Supernanny's Parenting Secrets w/ Jo Frost

FAMILY IS EVERYTHING! Raising kids isn't easy Even if you don’t have children, having a strong relationship is not easy… We cover both of these things in the interview… Obviously we talk a great deal about raising children. But we also discussed relationships in general, including those that don’t involve children As parent, building a STRONG and HEALTHY family is the most rewarding thing we’ll ever do in our lives. This weeks guest Jo Frost is the worlds top expert in this department! She became a fixture in England where she was the central figure in the popular television show Supernanny UK. In fact, spinoffs were created in almost 50 countries, cementing Mary Jo’s reputation as a family, relationships, and parenting expert. Since that time, she has done other television work and authored several books on improving family dynamics and raising children as well. In our interview, Jo lays out the challenges of how the world has become and a pressure-filled place to raise a family, especially in a post-pandemic era. Technology and social media have also further complicated and impacted our lives as well. Despite these changes, Jo has takeaways on how family dynamics have not changed in many ways. The need to create a STABLE and LOVING home is as timeless as ever. That provides children with the courage they need to go out and live their best lives, knowing they will always have a SAFE SANCTUARY waiting for them. We also dig into the proper way to DISCIPLINE children, how to create family goals, and navigate through difficult issues in families where dysfunction exists, or a divorce has taken place. You’ll also want to hear Jo’s best practices on being a better parent. She is on point when we talk about CONFIDENCE, having a plan, why it’s important to let children fail, and how parents should react when failure does take place. If you're looking to improve your FAMILY DYNAMICS and RELATIONSHIPS, you must listen to this podcast. 👉 SUBSCRIBE TO ED'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL NOW 👈 → → → CONNECT WITH ED MYLETT ON SOCIAL MEDIA: ← ← ← ▶︎ INSTAGRAM ▶︎ FACEBOOK ▶︎ LINKEDIN ▶︎ TWITTER ▶︎ WEBSITE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

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• 0:45Ed Mylett?

  Over 20 years in business, over $12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to cardiff.co/ed. That's cardiff.co/ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding. Cardiff. Borrow better.

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• 1:48Ed Mylett?

  Welcome back to the show, everybody. I have such a unique woman here today. Been a fan from a distance for a long time. She's a global parenting expert, but I actually think she's more than that. I think she's a transformation expert. So today's show, we're going to get into a lot about parenting. But if you're not a parent, we're also going to get into things about just transformation. The blueprint to transform your family, your life, or whatever it is that you feel like you need to transform. You know her from the show Supernanny, but you may also know that she's written six books on childcare. She also consults with corporations on these topics. And she was doing this work for 30 years before you even saw her on television. And she's also great on TV, too. And she was just giving me some advice on how to be great myself on TV. So Joe Frost, welcome to the program.

• 2:30Jo Frost?

  Thank you. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

• 2:33Ed Mylett?

  We just found out we're doing this through Zoom and we basically are, you know, like literally a 10-minute drive from each other. So we should have been.

• 2:40Ed Mylett?

  But I'm grateful we're doing it nonetheless. So you know what? There's so many directions I want to go with you. And as a father too, there's questions. I wish I had a minor 19 and 17. I wish we would have had this conversation a little earlier. Before we do it, what are some of the issues now you see affecting families that maybe are different than they were, say, 10 years ago? Like current issues that you see, wow, this is, this is new stuff. Is it technology? What would you say it is that's different?

• 3:09Jo Frost?

  Well, the technology era did shift us into a space that left us really wondering how we were going to navigate this new novel space and at the same time, respect the boundaries enough to honor the sacredness of family, right? So I think that one of the biggest distractions is technology, right? Because it does cut into our life on so many levels. We spend so many hours. It has created addiction with children even as young as the age of five years old. I think that we right now are in a space where, especially in the last 18 months,

• 3:54Jo Frost?

  there's a lot of fatigue, a lot of burnout, a lot of questioning. I think families are questioning a lot about where they work, where they live, what's truly important to them as a family, what they thought was important. And now realize when we've been in, in such a space in the last 18 months of, of really recognizing, wow, like what are we truly grateful for? That there's been a big flip, you know? There's been a lot of conversations that have had to, had to have had, you know? And I feel like. When Covid, for example, came along, it really did two things. It highlighted issues for families that needed to get a grip of new things that were happening,

• 4:39Jo Frost?

  working from home and children learning from home and learning all to be in the same space. If you had like five or six of you, so respecting boundaries. But what it also did was highlight the issues that have been sitting there for a very long time. And we chose to ignore it. We went on vacation and thought it would be fine. We gave an excuse that we were both working till late. We said, oh, the kids, you know, they're just, that's just kids, that's how they are. And really it highlighted with a big fat Sharpie pen, deal with this, you can't run. We're all in lockdown and now's the time to address what the problem is. Because I truly believe that 2021 is about transition.

• 5:25Jo Frost?

  So even the things that we thought may be a problem for us before the pandemic has kind of leveled us all out into recognizing what are we truly grateful for? How are we going to move forward in 2021 to bring us more peace, more harmony, more connection as a family in 2022? Still honoring as a family our individualism, you know, as mum and as dad. Because we can get lost in that role and then forget about who we are as well. So a lot of the work that I do is not just helping families to transform when they come to me and say we've got parental issues, but also to life coach in a way and being able to look at married couple

• 6:09Jo Frost?

  and to see how they can connect with one another and have their own journey, but support one another as a couple, as a married couple. Because when they can do that, they show up better as parents for their children, you know?

• 6:24Ed Mylett?

  So good, you know, it made me think, I, I, it just dawned on me, now that my kids, my son's off at college.

• 6:31Jo Frost?

  Yeah.

• 6:31Ed Mylett?

  He just came back, he's back for the summer. And it just dawned on me when he walked in, I went, oh, he's back in our home. And then, it sounds really silly, but I went, hmm. This whole time I've been creating a home. And you would think, well, duh, that's what you're doing. But no, I just kind of was a dad. My wife's an amazing mother. But like, I wasn't conscious of building a home. We've got a great family, but that thought just dawned on me after he left and he came back like this is our home. This is our home.

• 7:01Jo Frost?

  The place where children feel safe. Um, the, the environment um is, is loving and nurturing and accepting. Because I believe when you can create that environment, the best that you can. I really do feel uh it gives our children uh the courage to take risks, to step outside and to take risks and to do things because they know that there's home. They know that they have parents that love, that support, that are there for them. I mean, that, that's you know, that

• 7:41Jo Frost?

  that in itself, to be able to do that, just to, just for families to be more consciously aware of the environment that they're creating for their children that we call home. Not a house. A house is not a home unless it has, you know, a, a, a parent who can create this loving environment that's fun and also just safe. Like, children want safety. You know, they want to feel safe in the home that they're in from the outside world. It's where we get the kickback and, and just be, you know, as a family. But it does, it does, I think, give our children

• 8:22Jo Frost?

  the ammunition to take risk, to go outside in the world because there is this nest, you know? And we see it a lot now. We see it now because of the pandemic. We've had kids that have gone out and, you know, young adults that have been flat sharing and, you know, on their own and times have hit hard and they've come back home for a bit and they'll settle themselves and then they'll be off again. But that security means, means the world, I think, to any child in knowing that they have that. And I, and I say that with, with knowing that this is something that we, we build, right? This is something that we build, just like when we watch birds in the garden and, and they're

• 9:03Jo Frost?

  building nests. You see that it's not built in one day. You know, we, we build that. It's an experience um that's infinite, goes on, you know, there's not an end game, is there? You know, our children are thirty and they're still, they'll always be your, you know, your baby girl, you know what I mean? Your son, you know, uh, that in itself.

• 9:23Ed Mylett?

  You um, instead of speaking as a parent, why don't you, for everybody listening to this, speak as the child? If you could speak for a child and says, hey, mom and or dad, I would like this from you as my parent. This was what you could provide me that's the most important thing to me. What would that be?

• 9:44Jo Frost?

  Safety, security, to be seen, to be heard, and your time.

• 9:52Ed Mylett?

  Time.

• 9:53Jo Frost?

  Your time. Time is so valuable. I believe that if we're chasing time, we're doing something wrong. I feel if we're chasing time. Like I hear so many people complain about, well, I've only got twenty four hours.

• 10:12Jo Frost?

  Then that that's what you've got, twenty four hours. So start to prioritize what you're gonna need to show up in the way that you want to. Whether the goal is getting healthier, whether the goal is concentrating on a business, whether the goal is resolution in some family issues, like you've got to recognize that when something becomes a priority, we give it our time, we give it our attention, we give it our focus. So prioritize. Another word I hear is

• 10:47Jo Frost?

  Consistency, well, we can only be consistent if as a parent, we can learn to say no to things that don't support us waking up every day and being consistent. Like if you wanna get up and hit the gym early hours in the morning before the kids wake up, then you can't be watching the box set till two o'clock in the morning and not getting enough sleep. Because you're gonna have that monkey on your back saying, ah, just stay in bed a little bit more, just stay lit, and you're not gonna, you know, you're not gonna build that willpower, right? You're not gonna build that willpower. But I wanna say something, Ed, you mentioned the word vulnerability. And I wanna touch on that because I do believe that we are in a movement for men

• 11:30Jo Frost?

  in recognizing the importance of redefining masculinity. And a lot of American families have fathers that were raised by men who weren't taught how to emotionally connect. It was seen as a weakness to be vulnerable, to express how we were feeling deep down, to talk about fear, to cry, to be emotional. And we're in this space of redefining. And one of the, one of the best, I think, one of the best spaces we can be as a father for our own sons and for our daughters is to be able to say we're sorry

• 12:15Jo Frost?

  when we've, when we've messed up and we've done wrong, we can reset the bar, to apologize, to, to, to recognize that at the end of the day, it's not I'm the parent, right? And the kids do as we say, that we mess up as well. And to be in a space where we can be vulnerable, that we can say to our children, you know, I'm feeling a little sad right now, I'm feeling upset, you know? However, I do know that that's how I'm feeling today and we will muster through tomorrow because there's been a lot of grief, you know, over the last eighteen months. And there's been a lot of hard times. But I also think that it, it helps build our relationships as well because emotionally.

• 12:58Jo Frost?

  Women wanna see that from men. Women, women say, oh, you know, my husband's, you know, he doesn't show anything. He doesn't emotionally articulate how he's feeling. So in order for men to feel in a safe space that they can express how they're feeling, then I think every woman has to understand that we have to reciprocate. We have to be equal in how we show up as women so that our men can feel safe. Right to express how they feel, to be in a safe space, a safe space of vulnerability and to not feel de-masculated for that.

• 13:39Jo Frost?

  And I want women to understand that because if we want men to be able to understand us and to emotionally check into how we feel, then as women, we have to do the same back. We have to do same back for our husbands, for our partners. We have to show up in a space where we're not, well, man up. Well, what kind of man are you? You know, we have to give them the space to be able to feel okay about doing that too.

• 14:07Ed Mylett?

  There's, I guess there's level two issues that can affect a family and there's a level 10. Like when I grew up, I had a loving family. My dad became my best friend, but there was alcoholism and some just really, I don't know, level eight or nine stuff. Yeah. That was, there was a shame I felt about it, that families feel. And I feel like even if that, that, that difficulty you're having as a family is a level two or three, you know, we're not communicating. We don't love one another the way we could, or maybe we're not as kind as we could. And we, I'd call that a two or a three. There's shame associated, it's almost like, there's a couple of topics in our country that just people don't touch. One is, you know, mental illness. Somehow there's shame attached to mental illness, which there should be no shame attached to, it's an illness, right? And then I think also family dysfunction or challenges and it's almost something to be embarrassed by.

• 14:52Ed Mylett?

  Do you sense that? And then what do you think a couple of those issues are that surface for the most part sometimes in families that you were, you know, alluding to a minute ago?

• 15:01Jo Frost?

  Yeah, I do sense that. I mean, we're in the middle of that conversation now worldwide. You know, mental health and the importance of family wellness. And us recognizing the importance of emotionally checking in with ourselves as a family. You know, even when we think about your career and many others who are talking about life coaching and strategies and business and making money and being successful, what does that mean for the family? What does success truly mean for a family? What does it mean to the individual family member? You know, so I think it's important for us to, you know, concentrate on that and to look at how we're going to identify what those issues are and how we move forward.

• 15:46Jo Frost?

  With many families, it's about looking at where they are now and where they want to be. And getting the results for them.

• 15:54Ed Mylett?

  Families have those conversations, Jo, like, is it, no one ever talks about this. Should families have like, hey, this is what we want to do as a family? Like, I don't think that's ever talked about. Is that one of the things you recommend? Like, get together and have a session with your children and your spouse?

• 16:08Jo Frost?

  What are the, what are the goals for a family? Like, I say to couples, right? You spent time dating one another, like you hunted this woman down. Like, you really liked her. You saw her wherever you saw her. And you rang her up and she rang you back. And you looked good and you showed out. And you put the time and you put the energy into one another. You flirted. You know, it was all good. You were all hyped, right? You got to the stage where you want it to be exclusive, then you took it another step further. You know, then you had children and you stopped talking. All of a sudden, the energy went. Nobody put the same amount of energy into what you did in the beginning.

• 16:49Jo Frost?

  And you have to keep talking. It's that you have to keep having that dialogue. It's not, okay, we've had kids now, that's it. You know, we have to normalize those conversations. And the media doesn't always support that. When I look at magazines, when I look at articles online, how to hold a man down, how to keep a guy, how to get the girl that you want. It's like, there's nothing about an appreciation of valuing who you are. Your self-worth and you showing up in your authentic self and being apologetic about that, you know? And so. When we're in a family and we meet someone and we take it to that space where we have children,

• 17:31Jo Frost?

  we can't stop talking because I think children are little spiritual teachers. I think they show up and they again highlight what we need to be more of or less of to be the best in ourselves for them. There's nothing better than a little toddler showing up and teaching us more patience or more empathy or surrendering to things that we're just holding on to, to try and control, which is suffocating the whole family. So really, when I show up and help a family, I'm the mirror. And it's not always what people like.

• 18:13Jo Frost?

  They don't always like to see what I show them about themselves. So it's about unraveling how they got to that space. I work backwards.

• 18:23Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 18:24Jo Frost?

  It's, it's taking, I think you've spoken about this before in your own field. It's taking something that can seem so complex and complicated and uncomplicating it.

• 18:36Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 18:37Jo Frost?

  And that's, that's the work that I do. Uncomplicate the situation because so many families out there do not want to admit it, but they're addicted to drama and they create more work for themselves. They're the, like, get out of your way, mum and dad, get out of your way. You're creating more of a problem here. Is this necessary? And why is it necessary? Why do you feel like you need to implement this? Let me hear you. But also giving the children a voice. So what I do is three sixty. It's important to be able to bridge the gap between parent and child and to give the child an opportunity to voice and express their feelings.

• 19:21Jo Frost?

  Um, and that for me is very, very powerful to educate a family about what that child's thinking. So for example, your teenager may say, I hate you. I absolutely hate you. I don't even know why I talk to you. And we take it so personally. We take it so personally. We think that, oh my God, we've screwed them up. They're never going to talk to us again. They're never even going to look at us again. We take everything so personal and really that's about ego. You know, that's, if there's no room for ego when you're trying to build and connect with really an authentic self and, and love. So.

• 20:06Ed Mylett?

  I gotta ask you about that, Joe. I, I uh very much relate to what you're saying.

• 20:13Ed Mylett?

  I uh, actually neither one of them said they hate me, but I know that feeling of taking things they say personally. I want to make sure like, don't think I outed them on the show because neither one's ever said that to me before, but, but I must say this idea that children are these little spiritual teachers. You know, children are curious. Children use their imagination. They're dreamers. And oftentimes in life, I think as parents, or just people that aren't parents, listen to this, we just forget to be curious and use our dreams and our imagination. We just sort of exist to some extent. And they do teach us those things. And I think a family should have imagination. A family should be curious. A family should dream and have a dream as a family.

• 20:49Jo Frost?

  And have goals, you know, and have, and have goals. What, what, what do we want to do as a family? I think, you know, I think just looking, not everybody had that, right? So you were talking about your own upbringing. Not every, not every.

• 21:04Ed Mylett?

  We didn't have a goal as a family. Yeah.

• 21:06Jo Frost?

  And not, and not every family had parents that were the example either. So a lot of parents grew up with some form of trauma. You know, the reality is, is that we don't, you know, we, we want to be present, right? That's the best gift that we can give our kids to be present, to keep working on ourselves, you know, to be the example because perfect doesn't exist. Um, and so, you know.

• 21:32Ed Mylett?

  I gotta tell you, like, I came out of my family and my two heroes, but my, so when I say who's your hero, I say it's literally my mom. And my mom's my hero because she literally kept our family together during those difficult times. I did feel as safe as I could and as loved as I could, mainly from my mom during those years. But you hit on something that is, to me, is the core of parenting that I've always wondered. And you said, allowing these little beautiful spirits to express themselves. So help us as parents. Where's the line between allowing this child to express their genius and their personality and their curiosity? And disciplining them, you know, sometimes I see parents, "Don't do that, don't be too loud, be quiet." And I feel like sometimes you're suppressing this brilliant, funny, curious,

• 22:16Ed Mylett?

  expressive part of the personality. But at the same time, I see these other parents, I'm like, "Are you watching your child right now?" Like, is that like, often sound like, "Am I the only one who can hear your kid freaking out and you're saying nothing?" So where's that line as a parent? Everyone in the world who's getting quiet right now is going to hear this from you.

• 22:32Jo Frost?

  In the middle. The line is in the middle. We've become a polarized world, and we've become polarized in our parenting. It's, it's mad me in the face when I arrived in America seventeen years ago, to travel across American Help Families. And even so, now I sit on a global level, everything's polarized. It's either black or it's white. It's either extreme or permissive and on border neglect. There's, there's no consideration. There's no moral compass. There's no teaching of value. Like, values belong, there's no monopoly on values. It's not Republican,

• 23:14Jo Frost?

  it's not Democrat. Every, every family should have values, right? What's important to them? How they're going to raise their children, the character of who they become. You know, you're the gardener and the carpenter, you know? I think it's important to, to recognize that as a family. And education, of course, is incredibly important, but it's in the middle. And it's what I call the LBC. Recognizing what's life skills that we teach our children at whatever age, boundaries, and making sure that we can respect them, and understanding, see for control. If we're being too controlling, or they are. And where does that come from? The need to have

• 23:56Jo Frost?

  to control. The need for a child to feel in control. So I think it's important to recognize the LBCs, right? The life skills, the boundaries, and the control. And the, the immediate ways in which we can keep families attached.

• 24:13Jo Frost?

  To their children in their relationships with those safe and healthy boundaries. And to understand where the dysfunction came from. I think it's it's important for us to self heal. For us to to understand why we may be emotionally triggered in certain circumstances and to grow from that. And to have compassion, you know, we have to have compassion and empathy. We have to nurture um our own inner child. Because none none of us, none of us come from perfect families.

• 24:44Ed Mylett?

  True. You know, one thing I have been aware of as I've worked with adults most of the time is that adults have an emotional home. They've got these four, five, six emotions that they're going to find a way to get every day. And no matter what the circumstances are, it could be a beautiful circumstance, or those emotions can be bliss, joy, ecstasy, passion, peace, whatever, laughter. Those emotions can be worry, anxiety, fear, depression, anger. And one of the things as a parent I have been pretty good at is knowing that children do eventually model the emotions they see you experiencing on a pretty regular basis, right? And so I'm wondering if that's part of your work, not, I'm not, I know the day to day disciplines, but also how they see me living. Do they see joy in our home? Do they see peace?

• 25:27Ed Mylett?

  Or do they see anxiety, fear? Go ahead.

• 25:30Jo Frost?

  I actually got asked that question um the other day on Twitter. Somebody said, you know, should we be showing our children? Um the way we connect as a couple? And I said, absolutely. Like your children are watching you. They're the silent witnesses. You may not think, a lot of parents, they underestimate their children. They see everything. They hear everything. You know, that they're not sitting there benign and just in bliss. They see it all. But most importantly, energetically, they feel it.

• 26:04Jo Frost?

  They feel everything, you know, so when we show up emotionally and that comes with a certain type of behaviour. Whether that's showing in good lights, how we how we move through adverse times. Or, you know, how we don't, either way, we'll be monkey see monkey do, you know, and children will learn that. And I answered this question to the lady that said, should we be showing? And I said, absolutely. It's important that we show love and affection in front of our children. Our kids wanna get in on it. They want the hugs too when they're younger. They get to a certain age and they're like, ew, like really, you know?

• 26:45Jo Frost?

  But we should model that, the affection, the the playfulness, the together, you know? It it's incredibly important, I believe. And on the other end of the spectrum, parents say to me, should we never debate in front of the children? And I say, no, you should. You should show that you can have disagreements. But what's most important is to show them resolve. So not just two people feeling passionate about what they believe, but what's the result? Did they see that two people spoke it out in a loving, respectful manner? Did one not do so? But how was the result that taught them?

• 27:27Jo Frost?

  This is how, you know, human interactions happen between two people that love one another. And so the dysfunction can happen when we're not respectful, when we start to insult, when we have not got enough emotional regulation and we have adult temper tantrums. You know, and sulk, you know, so again.

• 27:47Ed Mylett?

  That makes me think of something. I'm just curious. By the way, that's profound. I love that you use the word debate. Uh, that's a good context for it. That softens it a little bit. Cause my wife and I have certainly debated in front of our children.

• 27:59Jo Frost?

  Yeah.

• 28:00Ed Mylett?

  Um, and that part about resolve is beautifully said and a great lesson for everybody. Speaking of that, I was gonna ask you about this later, but it sort of leads us there.

• 28:09Jo Frost?

  Yeah.

• 28:10Ed Mylett?

  Some specific advice you would give for divorced parents? Uh, I'm just thinking of debate, sometimes those things end up in the ultimate debate. And a child moving from one home to another one, would any specific advice or counsel you would give to someone who is in that situation?

• 28:26Jo Frost?

  I would say the most important thing to remember is that it's incredibly difficult for the entire family. And really important that the parent is able to have their collective of friends and family members that they can lean on emotionally. When they're going through this heartbreak, um, you know, this moment of emotional turmoil and this journey. And that they're able to keep that separate in recognizing that a child never wants to be caught in a space of feeling torn between two people that they love. You know, and that a world that has now become an earthquake underneath their feet, for the want of a better word.

• 29:11Jo Frost?

  In now knowing that there's gonna be two separate homes and two separates of everything. So it's really important, I feel, that if you can have a very mature, amicable relationship. And recognize that this is not about the kids and they're not the chess pieces on the board. Then amicably, there can be a relationship that really focuses on the children because that's your priority. You may no longer be committed to one another as a couple, but you are lovingly committed as parents to your children. And I've seen it very successfully and helped many families come through this very trying time. But what this country doesn't speak of, because again, it's about normalizing it and an understanding that it exists.

• 29:57Jo Frost?

  But there's so much focus on, and rightly so, that there's so much focus on abuse that women go through in marriages. And on domestic violence, we forget that also men go through that too. And so what we can see is parental alienation. And I think that's incredibly important to say because parental alienation is alienating a child from another safe parent. So when it comes to divorce, I would say if there are challenges communicating, it's really important to have a mediator, somebody that's not subjective, that's a part of the family, somebody who's objective,

• 30:40Jo Frost?

  somebody that can help you articulate and keep the focus on the children to give them, to really give them an opportunity to talk about how they feel without feeling that they're betraying the other parent. No child wants to feel that they can't talk about the other parent in front of the one they're living with. You know, we don't want to make our children feel that they can't talk lovingly about their mother or their father. And we can, we can as human beings, uh, take that to a place where children need more protection, you know?

• 31:17Ed Mylett?

  There's a lot of times if a divorce has taken place, there was a betrayal of some point often.

• 31:21Jo Frost?

  Yes.

• 31:22Ed Mylett?

  And I think it's just important for everybody to hear my reciting it back to you, which is that perhaps you've been betrayed by this person. Don't then pay that forward in a negative way and betray your child by alienating them from their parent. And that's a very difficult thing. You've got to rise above that. And I know a lot of people right now are really thinking through this, this woman betrayed me, this man betrayed me. I certainly don't want to betray my child if this is still a safe parent from alienating them from that parent because now you've done exactly what was done to you.

• 31:52Jo Frost?

  Yeah, it's not.

• 31:53Ed Mylett?

  The most.

• 31:54Jo Frost?

  Exactly. It's not mommy or daddy left us.

• 31:58Ed Mylett?

  Wow, boy, that's a common thing that I hear people say and they should.

• 32:02Jo Frost?

  And that's, that's the tru- it's true Ed. I mean, we, we have to be honest, you know, it does exist and I, you know, I speak the truth and that doesn't always get, you know, that doesn't always get the likes and I don't care, you know.

• 32:16Ed Mylett?

  It gets my likes because your work is real, right? And by the way, these are things that you've got to navigate even if you don't have children. Just the way you're going to navigate trauma, the way you're going to navigate stress. And I want to ask you about that with a child. I, I had um, this notion with the, I'm just curious of your feelings about this.

• 32:37Ed Mylett?

  Pushing a child, I guess that's the word I want to use, but I'm just gonna, I think you'll know what I mean. I think everybody listening or watching will. Where's that line of getting your child to do their best? And pushing them to the point where they're like my, my children in sports. If you want to have a study and parents needing some help, go to a youth sporting event and watch particular parents with their children, right? It's a sometimes very scary thing to observe. Almost like they're projecting all their hopes and dreams onto this child that they didn't achieve. And there's this unbelievable pressure that's put on. And then there was kind of me, I was almost the other way where oftentimes I felt like maybe I would surprise many people that I didn't

• 33:19Ed Mylett?

  nudge, encourage accountability with my children quite enough to get the best out of them.

• 33:26Jo Frost?

  Well, I think maybe there was a balance there for you. Excuse me. Maybe there was a balance there for you in a very conscious way. Because we don't want that narcissistic parenting. We don't want that child having to perform and to always do good. Hey, look at me. Can you see me now? Can you see me now? Can you hear me now? Based on performance because I, I believe that um, you know, men and women grow up. And you know, they kind of lose themselves, like who they are, you know, it's always about being this type of person so that you're liked, so that people think you're the cool guy or the cool chick, you know, and

• 34:08Jo Frost?

  uh, we can, I think we have to ask ourselves as parents, are we living vicariously through our children?

• 34:16Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 34:16Jo Frost?

  What that make us feel? Does that mean that we can say, hey, well, my child, you know, made, uh, you know, made the finals and, you know, again. That to me is very narcissistic, right? Because it's then teaching the child that, you know, we'll love you on terms and conditions, not unconditionally. But that has a major impact on an adult when they're older with respects to them kind of having this mask and and really not knowing who they are and accepting, you know, who they are and being okay with other people. Being okay with that as well.

• 34:56Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, so guys, everyone that doesn't have a child, I want you to hear, maybe I hope you understand yourself better. I had loving parents, but one of the things I was conscious of with my children was even when they did achieve, to to acknowledge it and love them, but not such a dosage that was so in contrast to my day to day love of them. Let me tell you all why. I grew up at some point, it wasn't my parents' fault at all, it was my, just the way I read things, that I get attention, acknowledgement and love when I achieve. So I attach achievement, winning, getting the first place, doing this, doing that to my identity and feeling loved. Be very careful, I think you would acknowledge, Joe, doing that with your children where it's it's at one level most of the time. Then they achieve its way up here, then it's back down here again.

• 35:41Jo Frost?

  Yeah.

• 35:42Ed Mylett?

  Something we're not conscious of, true?

• 35:44Jo Frost?

  Yes, absolutely. And I also feel that if parents can be less distracted with all the noise and the technology around them, because listen, it's not just kids that are on their phones, it's parents as well. If we're more in tune to our children, then we should learn to be more confident in trusting our guts. Because we know, we know when our children are being lazy and not wanting to show up or when they're just procrastinating, like there comes a moment when you know, because you've seen it, you know they can do better, but they're just rushing it or they can't be bothered right now or they want to go out with their friends, they're just not interested or maybe they're tired,

• 36:27Jo Frost?

  you know, because they've had a stressful couple of weeks. So again, when we're more in tune and that takes us being more observant, that means us not being distracted by outside stuff. But then we can really connect on a level where we see every detail and we we start to see more as we connect intuitively with our children. And and I want parents to.

• 36:53Jo Frost?

  You know, like I said, you know, trust your gut. Like if you're in a rut, like trust your guts. Because, you know, that's never normally wrong. Parents normally know when something's off, when it's just off tilt, they normally know.

• 37:07Ed Mylett?

  I love that. You know, it's funny about this presence thing because I teach it. I can say, put your phone down when you go to dinner. We were at dinner, uh, two nights ago. And, um, and so I want everyone to give themselves some grace because I think it's something you have to be intentional about all the time in the world today.

• 37:21Jo Frost?

  Yeah.

• 37:22Ed Mylett?

  So I'm fortunate that when I go out, sometimes people want to come up and talk to me or take a picture or those kinds of things. Sometimes that breaks my routine. So anyway, we're dinner. I just want to show this to everybody. We're dinner the other night, two nights ago. And I looked and I watched this family and I just noticed them and they were all on their phone. Dad's head was down on his phone, mom's head and the two kids where they weren't looking at each other. They were typing and I immediately went, gosh, that's not the way it should be. I feel bad for them. And then I, as I, my eyes glanced back to our table. My phone was up because I had just done an Instagram post. My daughter was on her phone. My son was checking the golf score and I went, now we're doing it. So it's something you have to be vigilant about all the time, everybody. I know that I do. And I want to ask you about

• 38:03Ed Mylett?

  this idea. Let me just jump in here. Do you have like two or three best practices? You go, hey, you want to be a better parent? Here's two or three things you should be doing or thinking. What would you say?

• 38:16Jo Frost?

  I think one you have to, I think one to be, it's confidence. It's all about confidence. Right? And

• 38:23Ed Mylett?

  How do you be confident in something? Maybe you grew up not in a good one and no one taught you how to do it in school and all you've got is Joe Frost. Get one of her books or how do you display that confidence?

• 38:33Jo Frost?

  Well, you could. Um, I think it's practice. I think people are hard on themselves. Like they expect to, they want it right now. Immediate gratification. Like they want to be able to just pick something up and get it. Right? They get impatient with themselves. But you know, what I've learned has been over thousands and thousands of hours in the trenches with families. Um, and lots of different types of families. So I say, in order to build that confidence. You know, one, you have to be realistic with identifying what those challenges are. You have to face them head on. You can't run from them. You have to be real with yourself. You know, what are we really dealing with here? That's, that's the mirror. And then secondly, you've got to have an action plan. Like, how are you now, how are you now going to change this?

• 39:18Jo Frost?

  Like, how are you going to take the first step on the ladder? What are you going to do? Are you going to buy a book? Are you going to take an online course? Are you going to call somebody up? You know, like, you know, people call me, right? Are you going to call up and we're going to do the work together? And are you going to make a commitment? Because you can talk a good game for five minutes, but can you walk it? Are you going to commit to the changes, you know? And that's really important. Like, when I help the families that you see me help on the show. They give me their undivided time and attention. And they are committed to the process of wanting to change. Now, the journey challenges them.

• 40:02Jo Frost?

  And there are hurdles, but it's not looking at the hurdle or the brick wall as uncl- as unclimbable. You can climb that wall if you want to. You'll find a way. So it's got to be, everything's got to be about stay open, stay open. This is about us working as a team and families get into a space where it becomes that. It's you, it's you, like, you're on the same side. So how will we talk about an issue together to resolve it together? You know, and really taken into consideration. How the other person is feeling and why they're showing up that way. And again, it comes back to ego. A lot of that ego gets in the room where it's about being right.

• 40:45Jo Frost?

  Rather than really being happy with what the outcome could be, you know, it's about an immaturity. Um, it's about somebody feeling slighted and the communication is off where. Somebody felt they weren't able to communicate how they felt without being attacked or without hearing a defence.

• 41:06Jo Frost?

  So again, it's it's unblocking, it's unblocking for those parents. Um. So that they can continue moving forward, but you've got to commit, you've got to give the time. You've got to surrender and identify what those issues are, and you've got to keep going because we all come off track. But you've got to get back on the horse, you know, you've got to get back on it, you know, and. We, we, we do tend to helicopter parent. We, we don't want our children to feel disappointed. We don't want our children to feel upset. We don't want our children to feel angry, so we pacify. We don't want them to feel what makes you mentally stronger. You know, a kid's got to fall off a bike.

• 41:48Jo Frost?

  And graze their knee and feel the pinch and feel that little bit going on the knee to make it better ouch. Right, to get better at their coordination and ride like. Sometimes you've got to fear the fear and do it anyway, right, and and face it head on. I recently, we had our grandson. You know, my husband's um son, son, right, so we had him, he's got his helmet on. And he's ready to ride his bike, you know, husband taught him how to ride his bike, he was well proud of himself. I want to go on my bike and ride it down the street, well, like, okay. And I said, he's going too fast and he's gonna fall.

• 42:29Jo Frost?

  So my husband was like, Eli, slow down, slow down, you're gonna fall. I said, nothing. And he's looking at me like, my husband's looking at me like, you're not saying anything. I'm like, it's gonna fall. And when he falls, it's how we're going to react to that that's going to make the difference in him getting back up on that bike and riding. And he fell and he grazed and he cried. And we said, you know, oh, look, come and let's have a look at that. But as soon as we did that, we're like, all right, buddy, see, if I do first fall, get back on that bike, let's do it. You know, and he was like, all right, slow down, let's go, and there he was.

• 43:08Ed Mylett?

  What a magic.

• 43:11Ed Mylett?

  What a magic lesson. Shoot, where were you?

• 43:15Ed Mylett?

  15 years ago. That's the, I should have been reading one of these books of yours. What a magic lesson that is. I, I gotta tell you that, that, by the way, you want to raise a kid that can stand out in the world. You do a little bit of what you just said. That's a huge difference.

• 43:29Jo Frost?

  So I got our snowplow. You know, we've, we've heard a lot of it, you know, parents snow plowing, making it easier. You know, where's, look, you can be really, really intelligent, but that's only going to get you so far. Like the grit and the character to not, to, to not give in. Every time you get knocked down, you back up again. Like that grit is what's going to take you the extra five miles. And that's about having mental strength as well. I, I, I left a post the other day, don't give up on your children. So you teach them never to give up on themselves.

• 44:06Ed Mylett?

  I did do a couple of things right. Like you're making me feel good. But a couple of times there's things at school where the teacher wasn't unfair. It was unfair to one of my kids or something. And

• 44:14Jo Frost?

  Yeah.

• 44:15Ed Mylett?

  Every parent's going in negotiating with the teacher. I remember telling my wife, I said, you know what? Let's just let them handle this. And even if they are being treated a little bit unfair, they're going to have this happen in their lives when we're not around. Let them navigate this. Let them deal with it. So it's not that I wouldn't intervene in something if it was dramatic, but much intervention. There's not enough of letting them metaphorically fall in life. Right? And you're doing such a disservice to your kids. Now, as a parent, is there a way to give our children more confidence? Like one of the things I wanted for my children when they left my home. I wanted them to have their faith or their moral compass. I wanted them to have self-confidence and I actually wanted them to be really good communicators,

• 44:59Ed Mylett?

  which I'm, which I also put under that banner, the ability to be present with people and listen. I think a high form of communication is listening.

• 45:06Jo Frost?

  Yeah.

• 45:06Ed Mylett?

  Anything that you recommend to a parent who's listening to this, or by the way, it could even apply to an individual to

• 45:12Jo Frost?

  I think you did it.

• 45:13Ed Mylett?

  Okay.

• 45:13Jo Frost?

  I think you, I think you, I think you've hit those, those points already. You know, um, being able to teach by example. Good communication starts with listening first. You know, so this, your style of communication. Um, having the patience to listen, to give children a platform to recognise the difference between them voicing their opinion and not mistaking it for back chat. Sometimes I hear a lot of parents say, my kid's back chatting. And I'm like, no, back chat is when you deliver your opinion and you're insulting. And you're cocky and you have an attitude, you know, um.

• 45:57Jo Frost?

  That's not the case, you know, when a child is giving their opinion respectfully. That's, that's them voicing how they feel and, and we can mistake that sometimes for back chat. So we also must give our children the breathing space to learn themselves. Not everything has to be structured, like that genuine self-esteem and confidence comes from them having the ability to work things out and do things themselves and to see that they're capable. And they have the ability to be able to do that, just like you exercise with the school. Not everything's about intervening, like step back, like don't try and fix everything.

• 46:36Jo Frost?

  Don't try and snowplow and make everything good because life isn't like that outside the house. They're gonna struggle and it goes with, I feel it goes with a very delicate line in teaching our children resilience and teaching them the importance of still recognising emotionally when they're overwhelmed and needing to voice and to talk and knowing that they can come to you. Um, as children when they're, when they're struggling, when they're feeling overwhelmed, you know, there's a very, there's a, there's a very fine line, there's a balance between that. Cause I do want children.

• 47:17Jo Frost?

  I do want children to have mental resilience, you know, and we are caught, I believe, in a time where we have a generation of people that wouldn't communicate as well. They wouldn't have had a higher emotional intelligence that just suck it up and deal with it, you know. And then children can't talk. And then you have this whole generation of touchy feely and it's all about the feelings and then no self-discipline. Like none at all. So really, the compromise is meeting in the middle. It's truly about recognizing that it's not one particular parenting style. It's it's being able to think very quickly on your feet, to look at scenarios that's happened before.

• 48:01Jo Frost?

  Because parenting is also a moving target. So look at everything. Why is the child behaving this way emotionally? What are the circumstances surrounding that? What is the best way for me to respond and not be reactionary?

• 48:15Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 48:16Jo Frost?

  You know, we can then build, you know, certainly, um, this this infrastructure in our homes that really honor the importance of mental resilience. But an emotional compassion and empathy. But our children know that they can always come to us, even if they, which they will in their older teenage years, they'll make decisions and they'll screw up and they'll learn by it.

• 48:43Ed Mylett?

  I have to, I have to tell you, Jo, you're so brilliant because I love being vulnerable. That's something I didn't do a good job of. I did not do a good enough job. I set standards. I was loving. We had our faith. We had goals as a family. But one thing I didn't do that a dear, Teddy Mellencamp actually pointed this out to me, one of my friends recently. And, um, and she said, well, does so and so feel like they can call you and say, hey, I've made this mistake. I need your help? I said, I think so. Well, have you told them that? No. And I promise you, they don't know that because they want to make you proud, because you're a good example, because of the, so as you as a parent, please make sure you hear what she just said. The other thing you said that's just profound that made an impact on me

• 49:27Ed Mylett?

  is why is my child acting this way? I didn't ask myself those questions until the last few years. When they were little, I wish I asked myself, why are they behaving like this? Why are they acting out like this as opposed to just reacting? I think in families. Correct me if I'm wrong, but because of our proximity to each other and the regular frequency in which we're together, there's like this boiling pot of reactions happening all the time. They do something, you react. You do something, they react. And it's reacting all the time. Whereas in business or in other areas of our lives, or even with our friends, we're like, let me think about what I want to say here. Let me process this. Let me be intentional to some extent. But in families, we are reacting all the time unless we're

• 50:10Ed Mylett?

  conscious of not reacting and asking ourselves these questions. Don't you think it's even more true in a family structure than anywhere else that the reaction?

• 50:17Jo Frost?

  Yes, because we're emotionally invested. Because, you know, this is our family and there's nothing more sensitive to a family when you start talking about their partner or their children, because it's a reflection of us. And we start to think about that. And what does that, what does that say about us? Again, it's the ego. What does it say about us?

• 50:39Ed Mylett?

  What about transformation in general? So I'm a parent or I'm not a parent. You're a transformation expert. And any of you that have seen the show, it's remarkable, some of the situations you walked into. And when you leave, the transformation. Is there a thought process, a formula, questions you ask transforming anything? I suppose transforming a family isn't all that different than transforming any other area of life. Is there a process? You guys are like an evaluation, the mirror, the, is there something you do that's sort of your structure? If you were to recommend it to somebody, want to transform their family or any part of their life?

• 51:16Jo Frost?

  Yes, I think you have to be all in or nothing. It's all or nothing. There's no half assing. You're either in it to win it, to change it, right? Or you're not. So if it's a sleeping issue, it's about recognizing, you know,

• 51:32Jo Frost?

  That you've had enough, right? You get to the point where you've had enough. And I think that change. Well, really, that change happens like that. You can procrastinate for years. You can love hearing your own voice. But at that point, when it's enough, right, change happens like that.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Um.

• 51:48Jo Frost?

  And at that moment, what's it going to take for you to be able to get that result? What are you prepared to do? And I kind of feel like Liam Nielsen to some extent, like you will be taken, like you will be tired.

• 52:04Speaker 03

  Ah.

• 52:04Jo Frost?

  You are gonna wanna pull your hair out.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:07Jo Frost?

  Your kid is gonna push every button they can push, because guess what? They know the playbook. They've been reading you since they were born. Right? So I give them the what to expect of themselves, knowing who they are. Because it's not what you tell me, because what you tell me is what you want me to know about you. It's what you don't tell me. It's what you don't tell me. And so I'll take a situation and work backwards. So what are you not revealing? Um, you know, ninety percent of our body language, right, speaks volumes. So when I go in, I work very intuitively with a family. Um, and I take my bag of experience as well.

• 52:51Jo Frost?

  To be able to read, to be able to see the environment, to see how um each family member interact with one another. And to recognize where the difficulties may be with each particular family member. So if I see one parent that has less patience, um but they're more pacifying the child, I'll put them in the ring straight away. You know, I'm gonna want them to learn the self-discipline. I'm gonna want them to go back and back again and back again. Because it's training that muscle, right? And I want them to keep doing it, the repetition. So it's looking and identifying what the issue is, like the surface issue. Like, my child won't sleep and they keep coming in our bed.

• 53:36Jo Frost?

  And then I start to reverse it and work out what the real issue is. And it could be that the real issue is not the fact that the child can't self-soothe. It's the fact that the child has crossed the boundaries and they do it during the day. And now they're bleeding it over into the night time. Because the parents have not chosen, right, to put those boundaries in place and to stick with it. Then you have to work out why they're choosing to do that. Why are they not honouring what they're saying, what they want? So mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean, right?

• 54:12Speaker 01

  Oh, that's so good.

• 54:14Jo Frost?

  Mean what you say and say what you mean, because your kids will hold you accountable. And if you're holding loads of balloons like Mary Poppins, full of hot air. Your kids are gonna, they're gonna know that and pop every single one of them because they have the playbook. So you have to literally write a different playbook, right? You have to flip the script and change it all up and know. So it's with, it's with conviction, but it's got to make sense. My teachings, when I'm helping families, it has to make sense to them. So I have to work out very quickly what the analogies will be, what the antidotes will be.

• 54:55Jo Frost?

  How I'll be able to take their life and, and certainly create a quick painting, a quick picture for them to go, ah, I get it, I see what you mean now. Because if you don't get it, then you're not gonna do it. And if you don't understand why you're doing it. Like getting a child to sleep is about giving them as the parent the sleep that they need. So that they are, you know, their brain is repairing and restoring and, you know, healing and ready sprite to learn in the morning, not because I need the kids to go to bed because I need a glass of red wine and like I'm tired, had a long day, right? Now, that's what parents are thinking.

• 55:38Jo Frost?

  But if I can get you to understand the importance of the difference you will make. Then I can empower parents to be the best for their kids, because that's enough. If you can say I've been the best that I, that I feel I possibly could have been today. Then that's enough for today and tomorrow's another day because it will be a different day.

• 56:01Ed Mylett?

  You're brilliant. You are brilliant. There's only one of you. I just, I think you're a treasure. And as you're talking, you're just making me reflect and think and want to be better. And so I'm very, very grateful for you. I could tell you, I know millions of people's lives were affected today, but I could tell you I know one, which was mine and my family's going to be better for it, Joe. So thank you.

• 56:25Jo Frost?

  Please share.

• 56:25Ed Mylett?

  Where should everybody find you? Where should they go? What's the best place to find you?

• 56:29Jo Frost?

  JoeFrost.com or Joe Frost on the social media platforms. Joe Frost for my IG, Twitter or JoeFrost.com for any personal, private help.

• 56:40Ed Mylett?

  Go there, guys, if you need it. This is the best in the world. This woman is. Joe, thank you so much for today. I can't wait to go back and watch this and listen to it again myself, just to be candid with you. So.

• 56:54Jo Frost?

  Thank you. I appreciate it.

• 56:55Ed Mylett?

  And you're, you're just a beautiful soul. So thank you. And everybody listening, share this with a parent or a wannabe parent or a grandparent or anybody that wants to make a change in their life. Subscribe if you're listening to this. Subscribe if you're watching it. And I just want to say God bless you to everybody and max out your life. Take care for now. We'll see you next week.