If You Feel Uncomfortable In New Social Situations, Listen to This (7 Science-Backed Shifts That Make Conversations Feel Easy)

Jay explores a moment many of us know all too well, walking into a room full of strangers and instantly feeling small, anxious, or out of place. Instead of assuming something is wrong with you, he reframes it through what’s actually happening in the brain. In those moments, your brain shifts into protection mode. It starts scanning for social threats and triggers a stress response. When that happens, the very things that help you connect, what to say, how to be yourself, how to feel at ease, can suddenly feel harder to access. What we often call awkwardness or insecurity isn’t really about who you are, it's your nervous system doing its job, trying to protect you from rejections. Jay then reframes social confidence in a powerful way: connection isn’t about impressing people, it’s about helping them feel comfortable around you. He shares seven practical shifts, like arriving with intention instead of expectations, calming your nervous system, staying genuinely curious, and focusing on the first few moments of interaction, to show that authentic presence is far more magnetic than charisma. Research shows that people are drawn to those who make them feel heard and understood, and the simple act of asking thoughtful follow-up questions can dramatically increase likability and connection. Instead of trying to be the most interesting person in the room, the real secret is becoming the most interested. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Calm Your Nervous System Before Social Events How to Make People Feel Safe Around You Instantly How to Make a Powerful First Impression in Seconds How to Position Yourself to Meet More People Naturally How to Make People Feel Heard and Valued If social situations have ever made you feel anxious, awkward, or unsure of yourself, remember this: nothing is wrong with you. Your brain is simply doing what it was designed to do, protect you. What people truly respond to is presence, curiosity, and the feeling of being genuinely seen. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty JAY’S DAILY WISDOM DELIVERED STRAIGHT TO YOUR INBOX Join 900,000+ readers discovering how small daily shifts create big life change with my free newsletter. Subscribe here: https://news.jayshetty.me/subscribe What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:44 Do You Feel Anxious in New Social Settings? 05:47 #1: Replace Expectation with an Intention 08:07 #2: Be the First to Provide a Safe Space 11:42 #3: Stop Trying to Be Interesting & Be Interested 15:02 #4: Master the Art of the First Ten Seconds 18:16 #5: Use the Power of Proximity and Positioning 21:15 #6: Give People a Role 23:58 #7: Leave Before You're Done 26:27 Social Confidence Isn't About Impressing People See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:43Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop.

• 1:26Jay Shetty?

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• 2:01Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised to yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 2:45Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. If you have social anxiety, watch this. Let me describe a moment you know far too well. You walk into a room, a party, a networking event, a work event, a friend's birthday where you only know one person and that person is nowhere to be found. And within three seconds, three seconds,

• 3:29Jay Shetty?

  your body does something you didn't ask it to. Your chest tightens, your hands don't know where to go, you reach for your phone, not because anyone texted you, but because holding it gives you a job, a role, a reason to not be the person standing alone with nothing to do and nowhere to look. Believe me, I've done it too. You scan the room. Everyone seems to already be in a conversation, having a great time. Everyone seems to already know each other. Everyone seems comfortable. And you feel like the only person in the building who didn't get the manual on how to be a human in a room full of other humans. So you do what most people do. You hover near the food table. You pretend to be very interested in the playlist.

• 4:14Jay Shetty?

  You maybe grab a drink. You wait, you hope, you silently beg for someone, anyone, to come rescue you from the invisible prison of standing there alone. And here's the part nobody says out loud. It's not that you don't know how to talk to people. You've talked to people your entire life. You're fine one-on-one. You're fine with your friends. You can be funny, warm, interesting. But something about walking into a room full of strangers flips a switch in your brain that turns you into a completely different person. A smaller person, a quieter person, a person who suddenly can't remember what they even like to talk about. I want you to know something. That experience is not a personality flaw.

• 4:59Jay Shetty?

  It's not introversion. It's not social anxiety in most cases. It's biology. It's your nervous system running a very old, very powerful program that was designed to keep you alive. And it's firing in a situation where your life is not actually in danger. By the end of this video, I'm going to break down exactly what's happening in your brain and body when you walk into that room. And then I'm going to give you seven simple shifts. Not tricks, not manipulation, not power poses in the bathroom. Seven evidence-based shifts that fundamentally change your experience of social settings. Shifts that make people want to come to you, talk to you, and share with you.

• 5:43Jay Shetty?

  Not because you performed confidence, but because you understand something about human connection that most people will go their entire lives without ever learning. Here's why your brain betrays you in a room full of strangers. Let's start with what's actually happening when you walk into that room and your body starts doing things you didn't ask for. Your brain has a structure called the amygdala. You've probably heard of it. It's your threat detection center. It's ancient, it's fast, and it doesn't care about context. It cares about survival. For the vast majority of human history, walking into a group of unfamiliar humans was genuinely dangerous. You didn't know their intentions. You didn't know the hierarchy. You didn't know if you'd be accepted or attacked.

• 6:27Jay Shetty?

  So your amygdala evolved a very simple protocol.

• 6:32Jay Shetty?

  When you encounter a group of strangers, assume threat until proven otherwise. Flood the body with cortisol and adrenaline, increase heart rate, tighten muscles, narrow focus, prepare to fight, flee, or freeze. That freeze response is what's actually happening when you walk into a party and suddenly can't think or have anything to say. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that handles language, creativity, humour, and social fluency, gets partially shut down when your amygdala is in threat mode. Dr Amy Arston at Yale School of Medicine has published extensive research showing that even moderate stress hormones

• 7:16Jay Shetty?

  impair prefrontal function. You literally become less articulate, less creative, and less socially intelligent when you're anxious. So here's the irony: the moment you need your social skills the most, walking into a room full of strangers is the exact moment your brain takes those skills offline. But it goes deeper than your amygdala. Dr Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA ran a groundbreaking study using FMRI brain scanning where participants played a simple ball tossing game and were then excluded from the game by the other players. What she found changed how we understand social pain. The brain regions that activated during social exclusion were the same regions

• 8:01Jay Shetty?

  that activate during physical pain. Your brain processes social rejection using the same neural hardware it uses for a broken bone. This isn't metaphor, this is measurement. And it explains why walking into a room where you might not belong feels so viscerally awful. Your brain is treating the possibility of social exclusion as a physical threat. Because for our ancestors, it was. Being excluded from the group didn't hurt your feelings, it killed you. You couldn't survive alone on the savanna. Exile was a death sentence. So when you walk into that room and your body tightens up and your mind goes blank, your brain is not broken. It's doing exactly what it was designed to do.

• 8:45Jay Shetty?

  It's just doing it in a context where the threat isn't real. Does that make sense? Now, how do we work with this biology instead of against it? Shift number one. Arrive with an intention, not an expectation. Here's what most people do before they walk into a social setting. They set an expectation. I'm gonna meet some cool people tonight. This is gonna be the worst night ever. No one's gonna talk to me. I'm gonna make a good impression. I don't know if I'll connect with anyone. And those expectations, if they're positive, feel motivating for about 11 seconds. Until you walk in and the room doesn't cooperate with your plan. Nobody approaches you. The first conversation is awkward.

• 9:29Jay Shetty?

  The confident version of you doesn't show up on cue. Now you failed. Not actually, but in your brain's accounting system, you set a target, missed it. And the moment your brain registers that gap between expectation and reality, it releases a drop in dopamine that neuroscientists call a negative prediction error. Dr. Schultz's research at Cambridge on dopamine signaling shows that when reality falls short of expectation, dopamine levels dip below baseline. You don't just feel neutral, you feel worse than if you'd had no expectation at all. This is why "just be confident" is such catastrophically bad advice.

• 10:10Jay Shetty?

  It sets an expectation that when unmet, neurochemically, punishes you. Here's what works instead. Replace the expectation with an intention. An intention is not a target, it's a direction. My intention tonight is to be genuinely curious about one person. My intention is to make someone feel noticed. My intention is to enjoy one real conversation. I have used this in countless events since I moved to America, since I moved to LA. And I walk into these rooms and feel this way all the time. My intention has been to find one person to have a deep, meaningful, fun conversation with, and it has changed my experience.

• 10:55Jay Shetty?

  The difference is that an intention can't fail. There's no gap between what you planned and what happened, because the intention lives in your behaviour, not in the outcome. Walk in with a direction, not a destination. Your brain stops scanning for failure and starts scanning for opportunities. Shift to be the first to give safety. There's a reason certain people are magnetic in social settings, and it's not what you think. It's not charisma, it's not attractiveness, it's not status, it's safety. Dr Stephen Porges' polyvagal theory, one of the most important frameworks in modern neuroscience,

• 11:37Jay Shetty?

  explains that the human nervous system is constantly, unconsciously, evaluating other people through a process he calls neuroception. Before you say a single word to someone, before you even make eye contact, their nervous system has already made a judgement about you, safe or unsafe. And here's what determines that judgement. It's not your words, it's your physiology. Genuine eye contact, not staring, but warm, intermittent eye contact, signals safety. An authentic smile, one that engages the muscles around the eyes, signals safety.

• 12:17Jay Shetty?

  Open body language, uncrossed arms, visible palms, a relaxed posture, signals safety. A regulated, calm nervous system signals safety to other nervous systems. Dr Porges' research shows that humans co-regulate. Your nervous system state is literally contagious. When you approach someone and your body is tense, your breathing is shallow, and your eyes are darting around the room, their nervous system picks up on that tension and mirrors it. They feel uncomfortable around you and they don't know why. But when you approach someone in a state of genuine calm, regulated breathing, relaxed shoulders, easy eye contact,

• 12:59Jay Shetty?

  their nervous system reads yours and down-regulates in response. They feel comfortable around you and they don't know why. This is why the advice to fake confidence backfires. People don't read your words. They read your nervous system. And you can't fake a regulated nervous system. What you can do is actually regulate it. Before you walk into any social setting, take 90 seconds. Breathe in for four counts and out for six. The extended exhale activates your vagus nerve, which shifts your autonomic nervous system from sympathetic activation, fight or flight, into parasympathetic mode, rest and connect.

• 13:43Jay Shetty?

  This isn't a breathing exercise to calm your thoughts. It's a physiological intervention that changes what your body is broadcasting to every person in the room. The next time you feel socially anxious, remember this. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the safest nervous system in the room. You don't attract people by faking confidence. You attract people by being present, fully, without looking over their shoulder for someone better. You don't attract people by pretending to be confident. You attract people by making them feel like they don't have to be. You don't attract people by being confident.

• 14:26Jay Shetty?

  You attract people by listening like you actually care, not like you're waiting for your turn. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the first person all night who didn't make them feel like a transaction. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the person who made them feel interesting instead of trying to be interesting yourself.

• 15:01Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

• 15:44Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated, calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified,

• 16:29Jay Shetty?

  where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions.

• 17:14Jay Shetty?

  Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

• 17:43Jay Shetty?

  Shift three. Stop trying to be interesting. Be interested. This single shift will change your social life more than anything else on this list. Most people walk into a room trying to be interesting, trying to have the right story, the clever comment, the impressive answer to, "So what do you do?" And the pressure of that performance is exactly what creates the anxiety. The self-monitoring and the blank mind freeze we talked about earlier. Here's the science that should liberate you from that pressure forever. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology at Harvard Business School found that the single strongest predictor of being liked in a first conversation

• 18:27Jay Shetty?

  was not how interesting, funny, or impressive the person was. It was how many follow-up questions they asked. Not just questions, follow-up questions. Not trying to be funny, not trying to be smart, not trying to be clever or impressive. Questions that proved you were actually listening. People who asked more follow-up questions were rated as significantly more likable, more competent, and more attractive across every context tested. The researchers called this "the question-asking penalty in reverse."

• 19:03Jay Shetty?

  People consistently underestimate how much others enjoy being asked about themselves. And the neuroscience explains why. When someone asks you a genuine question about your experience and then follows up with curiosity, your brain releases dopamine and activates the medial prefrontal cortex, the same region associated with reward and self-relevant processing. Dr. Jason Mitchell at Harvard found that talking about yourself activates the brain's reward centers to a degree comparable to food and money. Not similar to, comparable to. When you ask someone a genuine question and then actually listen, not listening while planning what you're gonna say next, but actually listen and follow the thread,

• 19:47Jay Shetty?

  you're giving their brain a neurochemical reward. You become associated with that reward. They like you, not because you performed, because you gave them something almost nobody gives them, the feeling of being truly heard. The practical shift is this. Walk into every conversation with the goal of finding out one thing about this person that you didn't expect. Something that surprises you. This reframes the entire interaction from how do I come across? To what can I discover? It takes the spotlight off you, which is where your anxiety lives, and puts it on them, which is where connection lives. Stop trying to be the most interesting person in the room.

• 20:30Jay Shetty?

  Because nobody remembers the person who had the best story. They remember the person who made them feel heard. The person who asked one real question and then actually listened to the answer. Not listened while loading their next sentence. Actually listened. You don't need better things to say. You need fewer things to say and more willingness to hear. The most magnetic person in any room is never the one talking. It's the one making someone else feel like the only person in it. Shift number four, master the art of the first 10 seconds. Here's an uncomfortable statistic.

• 21:10Jay Shetty?

  Research from Princeton psychologist Dr. Janine Wills and Dr. Alexander Todorov found that people form first impressions in one tenth of a second. One tenth, God, we're so judgmental. And subsequent research showed that impressions formed in longer timeframes, even up to several minutes, didn't differ meaningfully from those snap judgments we made earlier. In other words, people decide what they think of you almost instantly, and then spend the rest of the interaction looking for evidence that confirms what they already decided. Now, before that makes you more anxious, I get it. Here's why it should actually set you free. The impression isn't based on what you say. You can't say anything meaningful in a tenth of a second.

• 21:54Jay Shetty?

  By the way, neither can I, none of us can. It's based on three things. Your facial expression, your body orientation, and your energy. So here's what the first 10 seconds could look like. Not a rehearsal line, not a clever opener, three things. One, genuine eye contact before you speak, not after, before. This signals presence. Two, a genuine smile. Not a performance smile, but the kind where your eyes change. And three, aren't your body fully toward them, not sideways, not half-turned, fully facing. This is a non-verbal signal that in the language of evolutionary psychology says, "You have my complete attention.

• 22:37Jay Shetty?

  You are not a threat, and I'm not looking for someone better to talk to." Imagine someone did that to you. How many times have you talked to someone and someone's looking all around? They're looking behind you. They're even looking at the screen up there. They're looking over at who just walked in. How does that make you feel? How about when someone's kind of turned away? You kind of feel like they don't want to be there, and neither do you. These three things take no social skill, no charisma, no clever words. And actually, what I love about them is they lead to real connection. You're not trying to walk out with the... Award for funniest person at the party. You're not trying to walk out with the medal for smartest person in the room. Hopefully, you're trying to just connect with someone, make a friend, make a new connection.

• 23:20Jay Shetty?

  And there's a beautiful piece of research from Dr. Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University. The same researcher behind the famous 36 questions to fall in love study. Showing that sustained mutual eye contact between strangers significantly increases feelings of closeness and affection, even in the absence of conversation. Eye contact isn't a social nicety. It's a bonding mechanism. It triggers oxytocin release. It tells the other person's brain, "You exist to me." Obviously, don't stare at them like a creep. I'm not recommending that. Shift five, use the power of proximity and positioning. This one is going to sound too simple. And then I'm going to give you the science and you're going to realize it's one of the

• 24:04Jay Shetty?

  most powerful social tools that exists. In the 1950s, social psychologists Dr. Leon Festinger and Dr. Stanley Shacter and Dr. Kurt Back studied friendship formation in a housing complex at MIT. They wanted to know what predicted who became friends. Was it shared interests, similar personalities, compatible backgrounds? None of those. The single strongest predictor of friendship formation was physical proximity. People who lived closer to the stairwell, meaning more people passed by their door, had significantly more friends. People who lived next to each other were far more likely to become closer friends than people who lived even two doors apart. They called this the propinquity effect.

• 24:49Jay Shetty?

  Subsequent researchers confirmed this over and over. Dr. Scott Beach and Dr. Richard Moreland at the University of Pittsburgh ran a study where they had research assistants attend a large university class. Some attended zero times, some attended five times, some attended 10 times, some attended 15. The assistants never spoke to anyone, never interacted, just showed up and sat there. At the end of the semester, students were shown photos and asked to rate these people on attractiveness, likability, and similarity to themselves. The assistants who had attended more classes were rated as significantly more likeable and attractive without ever having spoken a word.

• 25:33Jay Shetty?

  This is called the mere exposure effect. Your brain equates familiarity with safety. The more you see someone, the more your nervous system categorizes them as non-threatening, and the more positively you feel about them. So what does this mean practically? Stop hiding in the corner of the room. Stop positioning yourself at the edges. Right, you're standing there hoping that maybe one person passes and talks to you. Someone might have to see you seven times before you spark up a conversation. Place yourself in the flow path. Near the entrance, near the drinks, near the place where people naturally congregate or pass through. You don't need to approach anyone, just be visible.

• 26:13Jay Shetty?

  Smile, make eye contact, be in the path of traffic, make yourself easy to encounter. And if there's a setting you attend regularly, a gym, a coffee shop, a coworking space, a class, the single most powerful social strategy is just showing up consistently. Not performing, not doing something big or memorable, just being there. The mere exposure effect will do the heavy lifting. People will feel like they know you before you've ever spoken. And then, when the conversation eventually happens, and it will, it will feel easier. Not because you engineered it, but because their brain already decided you're familiar and safe. Stop trying to be memorable, just be present again and again. Shift number six.

• 26:55Jay Shetty?

  I'm really glad you're still here because this one is huge and will make such a difference. Give people a role. This is one of the most overlooked and most powerful tools in human connection, and almost nobody ever talks about it. Someone walks into a social setting, they're dealing with the same thing you are, by the way. Uncertainty, ambiguity, feeling lonely. They don't know what to do, they don't know where they fit. They don't know what their role is. And ambiguity, neurologically, is deeply uncomfortable. The brain craves coherence. Research on cognitive closure at the University of Maryland shows that human beings have a fundamental need to resolve uncertainty. We wanna know where we stand, what's expected, and what part we play.

• 27:38Jay Shetty?

  When you give someone a role, you resolve that ambiguity for them. And the relief is so powerful that it creates an instant bond. This sounds abstract, so let me make it concrete. You walk into a party and you see someone standing alone. Instead of the generic, "Hey, how do you know the host?", which puts the entire burden of conversation on a stranger with no direction, try this. "I just got here and I don't know what I'm doing yet. You look like you've been here long enough to know what's good. What should I try first?" You just gave them a role. They're your guide, they're the expert. They went from ambiguous stranger with no function to helpful insider with a purpose. Watch how their posture changes. Watch how their face opens up. By the way, I was going to an event the other night, bumped into someone in the elevator,

• 28:22Jay Shetty?

  and we started talking. And my first question to them is like, "Hey, have you been to this event before?" And they were like, "Yeah, yeah, I've been here. I've been to this location." I was like, "Do you know where we're going?" They were like, "I know exactly where we're going." I was like, "Great, you're gonna save me so much time and energy." Had a great conversation. I didn't compliment them. I didn't flatter them in that interaction to start a conversation. I thanked them afterwards, of course. But we were able to give each other something much more valuable, a reason to be in this conversation. Dr. Adam Grant's research at Wharton on the psychology of giving shows that people experience measurable increases in wellbeing, self-efficacy, and social bonding when they're in a position to help someone. Asking for a small recommendation, a small opinion, or a small piece of guidance

• 29:06Jay Shetty?

  activates what Grant calls "the helper's high", a neurochemical reward for being useful. So stop trying to impress people. Give them a small role. Ask for their recommendation. Ask for their opinion. Ask for their help. You're not being needy. You're giving them the thing every human being in an uncertain social setting is silently hoping for, a sense of purpose in this interaction. And guess what? If they don't know any better, you now have something to laugh about, the fact that you're both at this place and have no clue. Shift number seven: leave before you're done. This last one is counterintuitive, and it will change how people think about you more than anything else. Most people stay in conversations too long. Not because the conversation's great,

• 29:51Jay Shetty?

  but because they don't know how to leave without it being awkward. So they linger, the energy fades, the silences get longer. It's natural when you just met someone for the first time. The interaction dies slowly instead of ending well. And the memory the other person is left with is not the interesting thing you said at the beginning, it's the uncomfortable stalling at the end. There's a well-documented phenomenon in psychology called the peak-end rule, researched extensively by Nobel laureate Dr. Daniel Kahneman. It states that people judge an experience not by its entirety, but almost entirely by two moments: the most intense point and the final moment. That's it. People barely remember the beginning: the peak and the end. Everything in between fades.

• 30:36Jay Shetty?

  This means that a five-minute conversation that ends on a high note is remembered more fondly than a 20-minute conversation that fizzles out. The length doesn't matter, the ending does. When you leave a conversation while it's still good, while there's still energy, still curiosity, still things unsaid, you become an unfinished loop in the other person's mind. And in yours. They think about you more, you think about them more. You want to get together again, you want to find a way to connect. Not because you manipulate them, but because the experience ended at a peak and their brain hasn't closed the file yet, and neither is yours. Here's how this looks practically. When the conversation hits a high point, a great laugh, an interesting insight, a genuine moment of connection, that's your cue to land the plane, to say something like, "I'm loving this conversation. I'm gonna go say hi to a few other people,

• 31:21Jay Shetty?

  but I really hope we get to finish this later. Or I could talk about this all night, but I promised myself I'd go say hello to a few people, but I definitely want to come and find you later." You're still making sure that the other person, and you're grateful for their time, but you're also getting an opportunity to reconnect later with that joy. You've just done three things. You ended at the peak, you made them feel valued for their time and energy, and you left an open loop for you to reconnect. People don't remember the person who talked to them the longest. They remember the person who made them feel the best in the shortest amount of time, and then had the self-awareness to walk away while it was still good. That's not playing games. It's not trying to play hard to get. It's understanding how connection works and how to respect what you've just created with someone.

• 32:06Jay Shetty?

  Let me tell you what's really happening underneath all seven of these shifts. Because it's not seven separate strategies. It's one principle expressed seven different ways. The principle is this. The person who changes the room is never the person trying to get something from it. It's the person giving something to it. When you arrive with an intention, instead of an expectation, you're giving yourself direction instead of demanding an outcome. None of this is manipulation. Manipulation is trying to extract something from someone. Everything I've described is about giving something first and trusting the connection to take care of itself. Social mastery isn't about what you project.

• 32:49Jay Shetty?

  It's about what you create in the other person. I want to go back to that moment at the beginning. You walking into the room, chest tight, phone in hand, scanning for an exit or a rescue. Now imagine walking into the same room with a different operating system. You've taken 90 seconds to regulate your breathing in the car. You've set an intention, not a performance target, just a direction. I'm gonna find one person and make them feel like the most interesting person in this room. You position yourself near the natural flow of the room. You make eye contact with someone, you smile. Maybe you gotta do it seven times. Your body's open. They walk over, or you say hi. Because it's a calm, approachable energy, a warm energy. You ask them a genuine question. You listen, you follow up. You give them a role, they give you a role.

• 33:34Jay Shetty?

  By the way, they're gonna ask you questions too, and you've got to be willing to go there. You share a real moment. And then while it's still good, you say, "I'm really glad I talked to you. I hope I see you again tonight." You walk away and then spend the next 30, 60 minutes doing other things, and then hopefully reconnect with each other. Nothing about that required confidence. Nothing required charisma. Nothing required being the funniest or most impressive person in the room. It required understanding how human brains work. How nervous systems co-regulate. How memory forms, how connection actually happens beneath the performance most people think it requires. You were never bad at talking to people. You were just never taught that the goal isn't to talk. If you loved this episode, you loved my conversation with Simon Sinek,

• 34:18Jay Shetty?

  where we dive into the real key to create meaningful connection and influence beyond numbers or followers.

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Disney, all of the characters are trained that when a little kid hugs you, you may not let go until the kid lets go first. You hug the kid as long as the kid wants to hug you.

• 34:36Speaker 02

  Whenever fall comes back around, it always feels like a fresh start. This year, I've been layering in some styles from the new Lululemon Fall Drop, because the weather is shifting and I find I have to be ready for the entire day and not just one part of it. Lululemon's Fall line has some really versatile transitional pieces, so I can just wake up, throw on a matching set, add a jacket or a fleece, and head out, knowing that I'll feel comfortable enough to go wherever the day takes me. Check out the new fall arrivals in store and online now at lululemon.com.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series East of Eden, a bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece, following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal, and the choices that shape humanity. Starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask Brothers, and Florence Pugh as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-heroine determined to build the life she wants, no matter the cost. Watch East of Eden, October 1st, only on Netflix.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  Mr. President, my company foreme of the explosion on our rig. On October 2nd.

• 35:40Jay Shetty?

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami.

• 35:43Speaker 04

  They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 35:52Speaker 05

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 35:56Speaker 04

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 35:59Speaker 05

  I'm not the first then.

• 36:01Speaker 04

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.