My Husband Thinks Our Marriage Is Fine . . . I Don’t

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife who feels stuck in her marriage A woman wondering how to set boundaries with her extended family A man struggling to tell his religious father that his beliefs aren’t the same Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Our marriage is great, honestly. Like, it's healthy, it's strong, we set goals. But I need emotional connection to feel safe, and so I feel like I need that a little bit more consistently.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  So let's take away the word "need" for a second. What do you want from your husband? Hey, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Spent the last 20-plus years sitting with hurting people, and the wheels have fallen off. Got two PhDs. I spent my whole life studying and sitting with people who are trying to figure out what's the next right move to do in their life when it comes to tough things that have happened, their mental, emotional health, their, um, gosh, their marriages, their dating relationships, their kids, whatever you've got going on in your life. I'm a real guy, taking real calls

• 1:01Dr. John Delony?

  from real people who are struggling and trying to figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona, and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up, lady?

• 1:10Speaker 00

  Hi. Hi, Dr. John Deloney.

• 1:13Dr. John Delony?

  How we doing?

• 1:14Speaker 00

  Awesome talking with you.

• 1:15Dr. John Delony?

  You too. What's up?

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Um, so I guess I'll just get right into it. I'm a little nervous, so bear with me.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Um, so my question is, how do I communicate my desire to grow in my relationship and stay emotionally connected without it sounding like criticism?

• 1:34Dr. John Delony?

  What does growth mean?

• 1:36Speaker 00

  I think, um, it's more like intentionality in our marriage. Um, our marriage is great, honestly. Like, it's healthy, it's strong, we set goals. Um, but I have come to know of myself just from past relationships that I need emotional connection to feel safe, and so I feel like I need that a little bit more consistently.

• 2:04Dr. John Delony?

  So let's take away the word "need" for a second.

• 2:07Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 2:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to use the word "want."

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm hearing a lot of the word need thrown around all and I slip into it and use it too sometimes. But when we tell somebody, especially our spouse, that's inside of a great marriage, that y'all are working hard, y'all are doing things, y'all are being intentional, all that stuff. I need you to X, Y, and Z to make me feel a certain way. What we're doing is we're taking a cinder block out of our chest and we're handing it to them and saying, "You have to do this, otherwise I drown." And I think that that sets up sometimes a false reality. So I wanted to use what is scarier, more vulnerable language. Because, because like, let me take it and say it this way.

• 2:56Dr. John Delony?

  If somebody on the street needed you. One time I was walking into the College of Education building at Texas Tech and this woman had been, these two women were on a run and this woman was going into a diabetic coma. And she's like, "She needs candy now." I didn't know them, but I got up and went to work, right? I went inside, got like, got a, one of the vending machines, got a candy bar out and ran outside, right? We would do anything for somebody who needs something, even strangers. Scarier question. What do you want from your husband?

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Um, oh gosh, that's a good question. That's probably a question I should have asked myself. Um, I think, like, maybe just a moment where we connect on a daily basis.

• 3:51Dr. John Delony?

  Keep going. Because I think you want more than a moment. Maybe not, maybe I'm wrong. But I, most people want more than a moment.

• 4:05Speaker 00

  Um, I think, yeah, probably more than a moment. I think that, um, we're just so busy in our lives and everybody's busy.

• 4:16Dr. John Delony?

  Nope. Now you're starting to like, now you're starting to feel the weight of want and you're like, I mean, but it's okay and everyone like, just, just hold it with me, okay? Want is a scary thing. What do you want?

• 4:31Speaker 00

  I want to take time for just ourselves.

• 4:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:38Dr. John Delony?

  What else do you want?

• 4:42Dr. John Delony?

  Or let me ask you this, what will more time for yourselves get you?

• 4:49Speaker 00

  I think the closeness that I'm wanting.

• 4:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Not just the partnership that we have, but

• 4:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  building that friendship. I mean, we have friendships, but a closer friendship.

• 5:04Dr. John Delony?

  I heard a little baby in the background. Do you have little ones?

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I have three kids.

• 5:09Dr. John Delony?

  Three kids, how old are they?

• 5:10Speaker 00

  Uh, seven, five, and one.

• 5:13Dr. John Delony?

  Holy smokes. So you're in it right now, right?

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Take this husband off the table for a second.

• 5:22Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the feeling that you're losing you.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Um, yeah. Sorry, I didn't think I'd get emotional. Um.

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good. You're good.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  I think that oftentimes I just give and give and give. Um, I work in healthcare, so that's kind of just my go-to. Um, and sometimes, yeah, I just feel like I need

• 5:53Speaker 00

  time to be me or time to be us without having to give.

• 6:02Dr. John Delony?

  You want somebody to take care of you like you take care of everybody else?

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I feel guilty for saying that because my husband already does so much.

• 6:13Dr. John Delony?

  Now we're there.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  He's amazing.

• 6:15Dr. John Delony?

  The American guilt factory for the young mom.

• 6:21Dr. John Delony?

  You feel guilty for asking anything. Is that why you're in healthcare?

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you've been taking care of everybody your whole life?

• 6:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, pretty much.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  So, the reason I'm asking these questions is I want to get to the bottom of it. And I've said this on other shows, but growth is a word I hear. I just want to keep growing. I just want to keep growing.

• 6:45Dr. John Delony?

  Unrestrained growth is cancer. Those are cells that won't stop dividing.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  So, growing just to try to grow your way out of a problem is not always the solution. Growing towards a thing, I want to get in better shape. I want to have more sex. I want to be the wild fun girl, wife, woman that I used to be. Those are all great. But just indefinitely growing is like running a marathon and right when you get to mile 26, you move the finish line another 20 miles. And that's a recipe for burnout.

• 7:17Dr. John Delony?

  Or it's a recipe for some doctor comes by and looks at you in the hospital and says, I think you're beautiful. Or your jokes are hilarious. And you find yourself doing things that you would never do.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think I, to me, growing or striving for something has always been...

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I guess I just never sit and rest.

• 7:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What does peace feel like?

• 7:54Speaker 00

  Calm, lack of chaos.

• 7:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, which is really hard to come by with a 7'5" and a one-year-old. There is no calm, right?

• 8:03Speaker 00

  Right.

• 8:08Dr. John Delony?

  I love that. I love hearing that. It's one of my favorite noises in the whole world. I love it. I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it.

• 8:16Dr. John Delony?

  Just that babbling of a one-year-old. I love it.

• 8:21Dr. John Delony?

  So how do you end up communicating to your husband, "Hey, I miss you. I miss us."

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Like, how do I do it now?

• 8:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  Or I don't?

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So what I hear a lot, and this might not be your house, and so pushback on me is,

• 8:41Dr. John Delony?

  women live in a guilt factory. They don't do anything well enough.

• 8:48Dr. John Delony?

  And men live in a failure factory.

• 8:53Dr. John Delony?

  They come home and they didn't do this right. They didn't do that right. And there's not a thing they can do to make their wife feel less guilty

• 9:05Dr. John Delony?

  about any of the circumstances. And it just gets in this big figure eight loop where you chase and you hide, and you chase and you hide. And then things blow up, like you always have your phone, or you never do this.

• 9:18Dr. John Delony?

  And it just turns into everybody chasing, and then they throw needs at each other. Well, I need more sex. Well, I need this, and I need this. And then the weight of that just gets real heavy, and so people just start dropping it.

• 9:33Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of saying, and this is hard, it's scary, because most of us have never done this, "I want our house to feel like this when you get home, when I get home." How do we create that?

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to be striving, but right now, I have three little humans that I co-created. And so my striving is going to be for a good night's sleep for a season. My striving is going to be for 30 minutes of screens off, we're playing dominoes, we're talking about our day, we're making out again like we used to.

• 10:11Dr. John Delony?

  We're sneaking away for a burger, even though that's not healthy and whatever, we're just gonna do it.

• 10:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate.

• 10:25Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me if I'm way out to lunch.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  No, you're right. I think that it definitely will turn in the moments of I hold in all that and explode with anger, have a lot of rage inside.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  And it's not fair to him that I'm not expressing what I want, and it's coming out as that.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha.

• 10:56Dr. John Delony?

  And then you become somebody you don't want to be, and then you feel guilty about that. So then it starts to cycle over. I'm gonna hold it, I'm gonna hold it, I'm gonna hold it, I'm gonna hold it. And then he gets home and plops down on the couch and turns a game on and grabs his phone, and then, and now we start over again.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  Pretty accurate picture there.

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so there's something powerful about clearing the deck and saying, hey, we have a brand new marriage and I love you forever. How do we want this house to feel?

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  And this is where it gets scary, and not everybody's in on this. And I hate that for them, but they're not. And that is, I have to see you, that you're a person, I gotta know you. What are you into these days?

• 11:44Dr. John Delony?

  I've got to celebrate you. I have to be the biggest cheerleader in the world, and then we can start the challenging part. You gotta put your phone down, man. And like, you have actual needs too, by the way, which is, there's this many lunches that have to be made, and this much food that has to be cooked, and this much sleep I need because I'm still breastfeeding and being a full-time hospital employee and being a, like, all those things are true. Like, there's actual things that have to get checked off a list.

• 12:16Dr. John Delony?

  But what does it look like to swipe the deck and say, we have never been married with three kids. Let's build something awesome.

• 12:23Dr. John Delony?

  How can I love you in this season? And that's him getting to know you again, and you saying, here's how you can love me in this season.

• 12:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, that sounds nice.

• 12:37Dr. John Delony?

  Is it realistic or are you just like placating me and be like trying to make peace?

• 12:42Speaker 00

  No, no, it does sound realistic and absolutely like he's anytime I've asked for anything, he's immediately on board. And I guess that's where the guilt comes into is he never asked for anything. Everything's hunky-dory on his end. And so.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe, maybe not, but maybe. Some guys are complex. Some guys are pretty simple.

• 13:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  And you asking him, how can I love you in this season?

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  Is giving him permission to put it on the table and say, well, this would be kind of awesome.

• 13:23Dr. John Delony?

  Or he might look at you and say, I see how much you're doing. You're doing so much.

• 13:29Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I have everything I want in this season. And you have to make peace with that, that you're worth being loved, even when you're not quote unquote striving for whatever.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  So give me two or three things besides just a minute of connection. I just don't think that's enough.

• 13:52Dr. John Delony?

  What would peace feel like in your house right now?

• 13:59Speaker 00

  I think it would be like, I don't know, like, kind of like you're saying, like, when you, when either one of us come home from work, that there's some time where we just ask each other about our day and, you know, connect together outside of the kids.

• 14:22Dr. John Delony?

  So here's a thing we created in my house. It's called grown up time when my kids were really young. And they knew that when I walked in the door, mom and dad went in the back bedroom and shut the door.

• 14:36Dr. John Delony?

  And they got a message from early on that the most important thing in my life was my wife, and vice versa. And we would just call it grown up time, and both kids would go, "Oh, yeah, no." But they knew it. And sometimes there'd be a temper tantrum, because they're five, they're supposed to throw temper tantrums, I'm not gonna lose sleep over that. And y'all can't do that fully, because you're gonna be holding a one-year-old, right? You can't just drop a one-year-old off in the middle of the couch and be like, "Here's the remote, kid." You can't do that, right?

• 15:06Speaker 00

  Right.

• 15:07Dr. John Delony?

  But that's where chores can be helpful, that's where coloring time, they can go do stuff, and they learn to be bored, and they learn to self-regulate. But in a weird way, that gives them the single most stable thing in the world, which is a mom and dad, they're on the same team.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I like that. That's a great idea.

• 15:31Dr. John Delony?

  But you're gonna have to weather a storm. If you've got a seven-year-old and a five-year-old, and they've never done that, they're gonna push on it and see if it will hold. But all of this, don't do this piecemeal, though. Don't be like, "Hey, when you get home, we're gonna start this new thing." Because it will last about four days. Okay? And you can leave the dishes on the sink, he can leave the dishes on the sink, there can be trash that's not taken out yet, but as a part of, who do we want to be in this new marriage, in this new season? Every day you walk in the door, or I walk in the door, I want everything put, everything goes down, and we go in our bedroom, we shut the door, we might have the one-year-old with us, that's fine, but I just want a hug for 30 seconds?

• 16:15Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to put your hands on my face, and just put your forehead on my forehead, and tell me that you love me. And sometimes 20 minutes of walking in the door, and just being together, and 20 more minutes of mad dash, are the water bottles filled, are the lunches for tomorrow made, is the laundry, is one thing in the laundry, in the washing machine, instead of doing five hours of laundry on the weekend, can we just throw one in? If you have a washing machine and dryer in your house, like, 20, you're talking 40 minutes, and the whole house is different.

• 16:56Dr. John Delony?

  And then some nights, like last night, my wife said, hey, I just need to watch The Office. Come sit by me. Okay. I stopped what I was doing, came down, downstairs and sat on the couch. We watched The Office together. We laughed, it was fun. She went to bed, I went back to what I was doing.

• 17:20Dr. John Delony?

  I guess what I'm gonna tell you is this.

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  If y'all two decide we come first, that will give you infinitely more margin to take care of them.

• 17:33Dr. John Delony?

  You just have to be honest about what does coming first, what do we want when we say that?

• 17:44Dr. John Delony?

  And if you have a husband that loves you, that shows up, that works hard for your family, that's doing his part on like the chores side of things.

• 17:52Speaker 00

  Right.

• 17:54Dr. John Delony?

  And your body starts to quote unquote, "feel unsafe." Be honest about what your body's saying to you, because it may not be telling you the truth. Or it may be, but it may not be. You get what I'm saying?

• 18:08Dr. John Delony?

  There may be a season where you exhale and say, no, he loves me. Or there may be a season where it's like, I need some girlfriends. Which means, once a week, husband, you're on your own with all three of these wild cats. I'm out of here.

• 18:22Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 18:23Speaker 00

  Right.

• 18:27Dr. John Delony?

  Hang on the line, I'm gonna hook you up with the Together app. And I want you and your husband to log in and use it, and it will, it will learn you guys over time, and it will give y'all one or two tasks a day, sometimes three tasks a day, that y'all co-create together that will do a thing towards each other. But I want y'all to go out, this weekend if possible, maybe not, because it's short notice, maybe next weekend, clear the deck. And say, alright, we've never been married with three kids before. Let's build a new marriage. How do you want this house to feel when we both walk in? What are the things we have to do? We gotta pay bills, we gotta make dinner, we gotta get diapers out, blah, all that stuff. Kids gotta get bathed. What are the things we have to do? How do we split this up?

• 19:09Dr. John Delony?

  And then what does connection look like? And I'll, I'll say connection works best when, for everybody, when somebody walks through the door and husband and or wife makes a beeline for their partner. And we stop and the kids know it's grown up time. Y'all get out. Y'all get out, grown up time. And they'll fight you on it, but man, their nervous systems will rest. They'll rest. I love your word intentional. Let's try to use the word want instead of need. And let's go down that rabbit hole. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, a woman asks how to set boundaries with, with family when it feels like self

• 19:53Dr. John Delony?

  abandonment. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you feel like you're the one holding everything together in everyone's life while you're slowly falling apart, I want you to hear me for a second. You can keep thinking that you don't have time to take care of yourself and that you're anxious and you feel stuck and you're overwhelmed and that's just the way things are going to be. And all the time you keep saying, I just have to take care of everybody else. I'm going to get to me later. Listen, that works for a while until it doesn't. Talking with a licensed therapist gives you a place to slow down, get honest and sort through what's actually yours to carry and what isn't, even if you don't have all the right words. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist

• 20:38Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:14Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:00Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:35Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Muscle Shoals, Alabama. There's a great recording studio there. Let's go to Marie. Hey, Marie.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

• 22:44Dr. John Delony?

  Remarkable. Running a scam called a podcast. What are you doing?

• 22:49Speaker 00

  I'm just, you know, waiting to talk to you. I've listened to you for a couple of years, and, you know, I really appreciate your insight and your expertise, so thank you so much for taking my call.

• 22:59Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, man. Thanks for being in our gang for a few years.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 23:03Dr. John Delony?

  It's good to have you. What's up?

• 23:05Speaker 00

  Um, so I'll just, you know, I'll start with my question, and, you know, I can provide, you know, whatever context you need. So my question is, how do you set boundaries around family and familial obligations when those obligations feel like self-abandonment?

• 23:22Dr. John Delony?

  That sounds like some internet gobbledygook. What does that mean?

• 23:24Speaker 00

  It does.

• 23:25Dr. John Delony?

  What does, uh, what does obligations and self-abandonment, how do those work together?

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Well, um, you know, just, I guess, to provide a little bit of, of context to the situation, you know, I just moved back to my hometown two years ago and, you know, with the holidays coming up and everything, and now that I'm here, you know, I'm expected to attend, you know, these family events. Um, but, you know, just to be quite frank with you, um, you know, I don't really enjoy being around my extended family. And the reason for that is, you know, um, the way they talk about people, their behavior, you know, just, just to be, you know, put it out there, you know, they use slurs, they, they, they say things that are just, that make me very uncomfortable. And I'm just kind of expected to let them

• 24:17Speaker 00

  be as they are and, and not cause anything, because if I say something, I'm labeled the troublemaker, I'm too sensitive, I, I'm trying to start things. And, um, but, you know, attending these events, I just feel like not, having to be around this behavior is not me being true to like my values and the things that I think are right.

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you, you use the word value, so I'm gonna jump in here, okay?

• 24:43Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:43Dr. John Delony?

  Sounds like you have two options.

• 24:47Dr. John Delony?

  A, not go.

• 24:51Dr. John Delony?

  Or B, be willing to be labeled the troublemaker.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 24:58Dr. John Delony?

  And I think any other energy you expend on anything other than those two options is a waste of energy.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Right. You know, I, the, the conversation of me not going has obviously come up because I have, you know, I've said that, but see, then I get guilt trips, you know, the guilt gets weaponized by my family as if like-

• 25:23Dr. John Delony?

  They don't get a vote. You don't, y'all have different values.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  I just, um-

• 25:33Dr. John Delony?

  You, you want to be fully you and you want them to be different. You can only impact one of those, one side of that equation.

• 25:48Dr. John Delony?

  And one of the things I think social media has lied to us about is that being fully you always, always comes at a cost. And the way social media is designed is it circles the wagons with a million different realities for slivers, niche beliefs, operating systems, values, and we think that we can be fully ourselves, comment on things, watch things, scroll things, get enraged by things, and it doesn't have a cost in social media world.

• 26:27Speaker 00

  Right.

• 26:28Dr. John Delony?

  This is the real world, where you have racist family members.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  You know, I've, since I've been here the past couple of years, I've been to a few things and, you know, I haven't, I've kept my mouth shut. I've just walked away from the situation, but that has made me feel like I'm not standing up for what I think is right. And, you know, I don't want to cause some big blowout. I don't want my, you know, I don't want there to be some big rift.

• 27:04Dr. John Delony?

  But you don't get a choice on that, because they can blow up if they want to, and they can rift with you if they want to. They're adults in America, they can make that choice. You can only control you.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  I guess the, um, I mean, I mean, you're absolutely right. I just, I guess the, I mean, I don't want there to be a follow-up question, but it's just like, I just, I don't want this to be something I have to argue every year. You know, every time there's something that comes up, it's gonna be, so you're just not gonna attend this year, so you're just, you know, how to continually deal with that.

• 27:50Speaker 00

  You know, with, if I stand firm on, you know, I'm not gonna attend just because I don't wanna be around these individuals. You know, it's just, I feel like every single time, it's always going to be, then, you know, I've listened to your show plenty of times and you say, you know, people will do everything they can to try to break that boundary and see if it holds. And I want it to because it's who I am, you know, I want to stay true to who I am. But at the same time, it's like, I haven't even seen my family in so long. It would be nice if I could go and enjoy, you know, it. And it's like grieving

• 28:28Dr. John Delony?

  There it is.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  The family that I wish I had.

• 28:30Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. That's it.

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  Grieving the family I wish I had, there it is.

• 28:42Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you wish you had a family that loved other people. Well. And you wish you had a family that they could even have their own beliefs, but that honored yours.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  No, I'm not even asking them to, I mean, I wish it would change, but I'm not even asking that. I just, I like, can you not use that language around me? Can you not speak like that when I'm around? And I get, it gets laughed, it gets, oh, you know, Jessica's too sensitive, or Marie's too sensitive. Um, you're too, you know.

• 29:17Speaker 00

  And I don't feel like I get the same respect that I'm being asked to give.

• 29:23Dr. John Delony?

  You don't. You don't. You don't.

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  You don't.

• 29:33Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll sit here with you, cause I wish you had a different family that honored you and other people too.

• 29:51Dr. John Delony?

  Exhale on that. You're still holding your breath. Exhale on that.

• 29:59Dr. John Delony?

  It stinks, man. It sucks. It's the worst.

• 30:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so, the question before you is, what are you gonna do next? And you can't do life alone.

• 30:13Dr. John Delony?

  And now you're gonna find yourself one of those statistics that doesn't go to family events because people are ugly and don't honor and respect you.

• 30:22Dr. John Delony?

  I've got family members who believe dramatically different about things than I do. And

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  some of them, to their highest credit, love me more than being right or feeling powerful. And we hang out. And others don't. And so I don't go. Does that make me sad? Of course it does. And then I have a weird responsibility, knowing I can't do life by myself, is I've gotta get other people in my life to be around.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  And it shouldn't be that way, but it is.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  I want to love them where they are and I

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  You can, but that doesn't mean you have to put your hand back in the fire every single year.

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  So I can love you. I can love you with all my heart. And if you need something, I'll be there. But as for me and mine, we're not gonna be around this kind of garbage, this kind of dehumanization, this kind of ugliness. We're just not.

• 31:35Dr. John Delony?

  And so I have the responsibility to not just sit at home on Christmas by myself.

• 31:44Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm gonna go find some people to do it with. And I'll be sad, I might even cry the first time, the second time.

• 32:06Dr. John Delony?

  I heard one guy, he's a pretty famous guy, I won't put him on blast here, but we were behind closed doors, and he said,

• 32:14Dr. John Delony?

  "The only thing I hate worse than fighting is going to bed at night knowing you didn't tell the truth today."

• 32:24Dr. John Delony?

  And that resonated with me.

• 32:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:30Dr. John Delony?

  And I've just have developed a personal belief that I only speak if someone can hear me, and if I've said, "Hey, I don't think this is appropriate, I don't think this is kind, I think this is ugly, and I don't wanna be around this kind of garbage talk," and people are like, "Huh huh huh," then, "Cool, man, I'm gonna brush my shoulders off and go on to the next." And I'm gonna be sad the whole way. But being your full self always comes at a cost.

• 32:58Dr. John Delony?

  And if, if, if your extended family was annoying, I would probably tell you to get over it. If they were, whatever, you know, just morons, or goofballs, or, you know, told jokes that you wished they didn't tell at the dinner table, I would say, "It's your family, get over it." But these people violate your values.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:20Dr. John Delony?

  They say horrible things about other people, and then they blame you for having a conscience.

• 33:25Speaker 00

  They frame it that way, too.

• 33:26Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 33:27Speaker 00

  As if they're, "Oh, that's just a joke," or "That's just how so-and-so is," just ignore him, and I'm like, I just, you know, like I said, like, for me, ignoring that is me saying it's okay, and that's just how I feel personally.

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 33:42Speaker 00

  And I don't even-

• 33:43Dr. John Delony?

  Well, challenge yourself, and see if your feelings are right.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  If there's two idiots and there's 50 people there, then I'm, I won't connect with the two idiots.

• 33:53Speaker 00

  Right.

• 33:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 33:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  But if there's 48 other people that I love and care about, and that believe differently than me, but they are kind and respectful, I'll show up.

• 34:04Speaker 00

  Right.

• 34:04Dr. John Delony?

  And when somebody walks up, I'll walk away.

• 34:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna cash in my character, my dignity and respect of other people.

• 34:16Dr. John Delony?

  But if there's 20 of them and there's 30 people at the event, yeah, I'm not gonna go. I'll stay at home. It's that scary thing of like, "You said it perfectly. I can't even approve on what you said." I gotta grieve the family I wish I had.

• 34:31Dr. John Delony?

  And I wish people would have my back. Even if they disagreed with me, I wish they'd have my back. But behavior is a language and what they're saying is, "I don't want you here." "You're to this, or you're to that."

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you feel like you are being a person who lacks integrity by being around these folks, then the call is, "I gotta find other people to be around."

• 34:59Dr. John Delony?

  If you feel like it's too much, but you know what? "I'm challenging my feelings. They're annoying, but I'm gonna go." "And I'm still who I am. And in fact, I'm gonna go there and love super well." And over time, that's gonna change them. Maybe. Maybe.

• 35:17Dr. John Delony?

  But I think you gotta grieve the family that you thought you had. I want you to write a letter to the worst one. Do not send the letter. But I want you to write a letter to the worst one and get all of this garbage out of your body onto a piece of paper. Get it out. Dear so-and-so, I hate

• 35:36Dr. John Delony?

  when you talk bad about other people.

• 35:41Dr. John Delony?

  Makes me sick.

• 35:45Dr. John Delony?

  Get it out of your body. Look at it and then ask yourself, "Are these feelings true?" And if so, I've got some hard grieving to do and some hard work to do. And if the feelings are a little bit heavy, but I'm gonna go. And I'm just gonna avoid these two, three people. I'll walk away. And go. Enjoy yourself. Have a good time.

• 36:08Dr. John Delony?

  But just remember, the only person you can change is you. The only person you can control is you. And any energy spent trying to control or change other people is just futile. It's a waste of doing the next right thing. I hate this for you, Marie, but I trust you to make the next right move. We come back, a man asks if he should tell his Catholic father that he's agnostic. We'll be right back. All right, in this new year, one of the best gifts that I can give my family is showing up fully present. And that means I need to be calm, clear, and rested. And for me, showing up well starts with a good night's sleep.

• 36:51Dr. John Delony?

  And that's why when I need a good night's sleep, I reach for Beam's Dream Powder. It's a science-backed powder that I mix with my favorite drink, and it helps me fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and wake up feeling clear and not groggy. I love that Beam's Dream Powder supports all four stages of sleep, using ingredients that your body actually needs: magnesium, L-theanine, epigenin, reishi, melatonin, and more. No weird chemicals, no added sugar, and it tastes incredible. Listen, Beam also makes Kids Super Powder, packed with greens, vitamins, and probiotics. It's super healthy, and both of my kids love it. So if you're ready to raise your sleep standards, now's the time.

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  And if you want to give your kids a healthy vitamin in the morning or at night, Beam has got you. For a limited time, Beam is giving my listeners their best offer ever: up to 50% off your entire order. So, use my discount code DELONY and you can get their best-selling Dream Powder for just $39. Go to shopbeam.com/delony and use code DELONY at checkout. That's shopbeam, B-E-A-M, dot com slash delony, and use code DELONY for up to 50% off your order.

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Hey, take two seconds and hit the like or subscribe button. Share this episode if you can. Man, it makes such a big difference. Kicking the show up in the algorithms and getting the show in front of more people. It didn't cost you anything, but it really supports our show and what we're trying to do here, which is change individuals and families and relationships all across the globe. Thank you so, so much for taking the time to do that. Let's go out to Burlington Coat Factory, Vermont and talk to Chase. What's up Chase?

• 38:40Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, man. What's up?

• 38:44Speaker 02

  Um, so I'll start my question. I'll say I want to apologize. I'm a little nervous.

• 38:48Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you're good.

• 38:49Speaker 02

  But my question, thank you, is if I should tell my Catholic father that I'm agnostic? Or if I should kind of occasionally, you know, go to mass with him? Despite, you know, not necessarily feeling the most comfortable doing so.

• 39:06Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  Let's start with the comfort. Why don't you feel comfortable going?

• 39:19Speaker 02

  So I was diagnosed with OCD when I was younger, kind of like my early teens. And part of my, I guess, obsessions would be, you know, if I didn't perform a certain behavior, if I didn't do something that, if I didn't, you know, pray enough that, you know, I would be punished by God. And so there was kind of this like religious aspect to it in the way that, you know, my obsessions and compulsions kind of played out. So that's just kind of an area where I'm a little concerned about, you know, maybe reopening a wound.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  But you don't even believe it anymore, right?

• 39:57Speaker 02

  Correct. Yeah. So is it okay if I give a little bit of background, just kind of about my family situation?

• 40:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, so um I live with my parents um as well as my wife um you know we have a really good relationship um in terms of my like upbringing um it wasn't a super um you know religious household but um we did go to mass you know fairly occasion uh or fairly often um you know usually maybe once a month something like that but not every week um you know we would go on major holidays things like that um and I think now that I'm you know I'm adult I'm an adult um they know I have kind of um my own beliefs about certain things but um I also want to be respectful of them um you know so

• 40:41Dr. John Delony?

  You you live in their house?

• 40:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 40:46Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 40:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean my gut here is telling me I don't know what you would accomplish by telling your dad.

• 40:58Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know what that would free you from.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think the the other difficult aspect is um I I love my dad we have a good relationship um but we don't really have a lot of super um you know emotional or um you know we don't really talk about our feelings and things like that so um you know having those kind of tough conversations with him is something that I've always tried to avoid um you know I have those conversations more with my mom um but you know my dad he struggles with a lot of guilt um about you know not attending mass regularly um you know he um it's something that um you know he has also some unresolved like trauma and things like that so

• 41:41Dr. John Delony?

  I know but what does that have to do with you?

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, so for me I am I guess I'm just afraid of um you know I I don't want to hurt him emotionally by having this conversation but I also want to um kind of honor my own um my beliefs and um just kind of where my comfort lies and I I do think he would be um respectful and understanding like I don't fear any kind of um you know verbal or um physical abuse or anything like that but um I I guess I want to be more open with him and be more vulnerable um and I'm just I'm not sure if if I can do that.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  So I I think there's a couple of things here one is I'm gonna go back to it you and your wife live in their house?

• 42:25Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:26Dr. John Delony?

  And so if there's a way you can respect them for putting a roof over your head And this isn't violating some deep core value of yours. You're not like a proselytizing atheist.

• 42:39Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 42:40Dr. John Delony?

  Like at some point, it sounds like you're just like, I don't care. I don't believe in the hoopla, in the mythology of it all. That's fine. And if that's the case, dude, part of being in relationships is being uncomfortable. If you're seeking comfort all the time, you're not seeking relationship.

• 43:00Dr. John Delony?

  And so I would put on my clothes and go to church, man.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:05Dr. John Delony?

  And if when you were a kid, you believed in all of the theater and it

• 43:13Dr. John Delony?

  between what you were taught and some challenges you had processing the world and like all that led to like a powerful thing of guilt. And I wonder if you're agnostic because you're tired as much as you don't believe in it all. But that's for another phone call. Like, again, the best way to get to know somebody is not to dump all of your feelings onto them, but it's to ask them to tell you stories about them.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:43Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you want to develop emotional connectivity or relationship with your dad, it would be dad, I want us to start going out once a week. I want to learn all about your story. What? Yeah, I don't know you that well. Yeah, you do. Like, no, Dad, we're doing this. We're going.

• 44:02Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about going to church when you were a kid. And just let him talk. And if he asks you a question, you can answer it.

• 44:11Dr. John Delony?

  Do you get what I'm saying?

• 44:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:12Dr. John Delony?

  You're taking a selfish approach, which I have this stuff in my chest and he needs to know about it. And I'm just asking you why?

• 44:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I think the biggest thing I've struggled with is the approach because I don't want it to be this big thing where I'm like, you know, unveiling all this information and kind of changing, you know, how he views me or things like that. I want it to be more of like a natural, you know, conversation. And so I think that is good perspective to kind of come at it from that lens.

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  But you don't feel settled to me.

• 44:50Dr. John Delony?

  Are you settled?

• 44:54Speaker 02

  What do you mean?

• 44:55Dr. John Delony?

  Why are you living with your parents?

• 44:58Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah, so I'm a recent college graduate, you know, specifically in our area. Housing is, you know, ridiculously expensive, so my parents really encouraged us to live with them. You know, they want us to save money, to, they also just like, you know, having us around and...

• 45:15Dr. John Delony?

  Is your new wife like that?

• 45:18Speaker 02

  Um, she does, yeah. There are certain, you know, pros and cons with that situation. You know, losing some of that independence that we had in college and feeling like young adults, you know, not, you know, going into the world fully, but we both are happy with the situation that we're in and we're really grateful to our parents.

• 45:37Dr. John Delony?

  What's the timeline on this?

• 45:40Speaker 02

  So, my wife is actually looking to get into medical school, so the timeline could be, you know, a little more extended, a few more years, depending on if she gets into medical school here, you know, maybe another part of the country.

• 45:54Dr. John Delony?

  She'll get mad somewhere else, yeah.

• 45:56Speaker 02

  But, yeah, yeah.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  So, often when we feel unsettled about our lot in life, where we happen to be financially, where we happen to be spiritually, where we happen to be physically, psychologically, we feel unsettled. It feels like it would feel better, and I'm using the word "feel a lot" here, if we took this stuff out of our chest and handed it to somebody else.

• 46:25Dr. John Delony?

  And often that is a hack towards taking the next right action.

• 46:33Dr. John Delony?

  And what I'll tell you is if you feel frozen inside of your own skin, dumping things onto somebody will not make you feel better. In fact, it will multiply it, because you'll still have that feeling and you'll feel guilty. And then you'll feel mad. And then you won't have anywhere to go with that anger, because you're financially trapped, your wife's in med school, yada yada, then that turns to rage.

• 46:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so my question for you is, what's the next couple of right actions around your finances, around your marriage, around your faith, around your physical body, like being a good steward of your body, exercise, like what are some things you can do to begin to make peace with you?

• 47:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think exercise is a big one. You know, there are definitely aspects where, you know, I'm getting back into therapy. I'm trying to work through, you know, some of these personal issues. And I think, yeah, it was more just imagining myself, you know, in a situation where my dad is kind of asking me about religion and my beliefs. And I don't want to be dishonest with him. But I also, like you said, I don't want to dump that onto him when I am dealing with my own kind of, you know, emotional baggage.

• 47:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So I, one, I'm going to tell you, you sound like a guy who spends a lot of time in your own head. Is that fair?

• 47:59Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 48:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to get that stuff out of your head. And I want you to come up with one or two actions you can take daily. Towards becoming a guy that you have confidence in.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 48:18Dr. John Delony?

  And this is a man who keeps his promises to himself. And even if it's good economics, even if it's good for the time being, even if it makes everybody at peace, I'm getting the sense that, and you and I could peel it back for a couple of hours, but you are unsettled with you.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  That's fair.

• 48:39Dr. John Delony?

  It could be that your wife is going to be a medical doctor and you feel less than, it could be that the fact that you got married and now you're back at your parents' house, it could be a thousand different things.

• 48:50Dr. John Delony?

  But this anxiousness, this dragging future problems and holding them in the present, isn't helping you, but it's causing you to lose faith and trust in you. And then your wife can't anchor into you. You just begin to spin and loop and loop and loop and loop. Does that sound familiar?

• 49:09Speaker 02

  It does, it does, yeah.

• 49:10Dr. John Delony?

  So making and not going crazy, I go bananas. My wife always makes fun of me. She calls me like January John. She has her favorite guy in the world because he's crazy.

• 49:21Dr. John Delony?

  Like, "I'm gonna do it all. I'm gonna lose 40 pounds. I'm gonna be on time every day." And I just, man, I just go, but I'm telling you, get two things. I will not budge. I don't care if it's midnight and I just got off my second shift from my second job and I'm gonna go exercise for at least 20 minutes because I said I would.

• 49:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to begin a practice of building trust in you.

• 49:48Dr. John Delony?

  That's number one. Number two, take your old man out and say, "I'm a young married guy and I got a lot to learn. I want to get to know you."

• 50:01Dr. John Delony?

  And then just throw some questions down the table and let the old man go.

• 50:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:08Dr. John Delony?

  And if faith comes up, you can tell him, "Yeah, man, I struggled with that Catholic guilt my whole life. I'm kind of in a place where I don't believe in much of nothing right now.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm still thinking through it. I'm still working through it. Or I'm pretty settled. I just, as for me right now, it's not for me." And by the way, I had a whole, I had years where I was a complete and total atheist. Didn't believe in any of it.

• 50:37Dr. John Delony?

  But I knew the data that said getting up and having a faith community was good for my body, so I still went. It meant something to my wife and to my family, so I went.

• 50:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that ended up being a path back to something that I never could have imagined.

• 50:53Dr. John Delony?

  Because the practice was good, right? If you're going to an abusive faith community, then no, don't go to that. Run from that, right?

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  But when it's like, I don't know, I wear pretty much the same thing all the time. Always, always. And if I'm going somewhere nice, I went to a funeral the other day.

• 51:16Dr. John Delony?

  I dressed up and I didn't feel comfortable in my clothes, but I dressed up because it was the right thing to do. It was a way to honor that person's family who died.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  And I may not go to the church my parents go to, I mean, wouldn't never have attend, but if I go to town and I'm in town with my family and they're all getting up to go, I'm gonna go with them. You get what I'm saying?

• 51:39Speaker 02

  I do, yeah.

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  If it's abusive and I think it's revolting, then I'm not gonna go. And I'll have that conversation before, but it sounds like you are try, you're uncomfortable in your own skin right now. And the way you're trying to become comfortable is to seek comfort. And it sounds exactly like the path, but I want to tell you it's counterintuitive. It doesn't work that way. Actually, if you are uncomfortable in your own chest, you seek more discomfort because on the other side of that, you become somebody that you can trust. And that's where true comfort is. And I know that sounds crazy. Read my buddy, Michael Easter's book, The Comfort Crisis. It's a masterpiece.

• 52:19Dr. John Delony?

  So to answer your big question, if given all I've heard from your situation, yes, I would just go to church with my dad, man. Because it makes him feel whole and good. And that's a way I can love somebody, especially somebody that I'm living in their house right now. It'd be a way to love my mom. And it's not a big violation of my values. It's just not something I believe in. But for you, it's like going to a movie once a week. Like, I know Tom Cruise isn't whatever, but I'll go.

• 52:45Dr. John Delony?

  And also, it sounds like you want to get to know your old man. Great, dude. Y'all start a weekly breakfast together. And it seems like you need to start thinking about who do I want to be when it comes to my profession. That's awesome. And by the way, I probably wouldn't anchor into deeply because your wife may get matched at some medical school all the way on the other side of the country. Cool.

• 53:02Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm gonna start taking action steps, not sitting there ruminating. I'm gonna commit to a thing for 90 days. I'm gonna go do it.

• 53:10Dr. John Delony?

  Today's day one, homie. I'm proud of you. Thanks for calling. Your move. We'll be right back.

• 53:17Dr. John Delony?

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• 54:02Dr. John Delony?

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• 54:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it.

• 54:46Speaker 03

  All right. So this is from Matthew and he is in Samora, North Carolina.

• 54:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 54:54Speaker 03

  And he writes, "Am I the problem? It bothers my wife if I watch shows or movies with attractive women. Even James Bond movies are too much. I have given up on that and I only watch sports. My middle school daughter is really into volleyball. There was a highly ranked college volleyball team, the game on TV last night. My daughter sat down in the same room as me and started telling me about the players. My wife got upset with what I was watching. Finally left the living room, did the dishes and just went to bed.

• 55:24Speaker 03

  Am I the problem?"

• 55:28Dr. John Delony?

  Ah geez.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, number one, clearly no, not the problem.

• 55:38Dr. John Delony?

  And, so just the way he painted this picture, yes, his wife clearly has some issues, right? And I would dig into what's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing? What is it about seeing a college volleyball player that makes her have to leave the room because she feels so less than? Okay, that's number one. And, just playing devil's advocate here,

• 56:03Dr. John Delony?

  if you watch James Bond, or whatever movie, and you're constantly oogling and being like, oh god, if you look like her, or can you imagine being that hot, or whatever, then yes, she doesn't want to be around you. And so, I'm assuming, based on your question, that you were fair as you posed it.

• 56:24Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, when it comes into like, dude, I don't know, what do you think Kelly? I mean, the whole thing just sounds preposterous, but I don't live in that world. My wife, if somebody beautiful comes on, she's like, you better probably come in here. And so, I just don't, I can't resonate with this at all.

• 56:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, same at our house. I mean, my husband's first of all is a huge James Bond fan, but I think it's, assuming he's not sitting there making crude comments about her, or why don't you look like her, or whatever, then that's some insecurities on her end.

• 56:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:56Speaker 03

  And she needs to deal with that. Especially if I'm watching a sport that my daughter is interested in, and she's sitting there and we're talking about it. I mean, unless he's making crude comments about college age girls in their volleyball uniforms.

• 57:08Dr. John Delony?

  If you're doing that in front of your daughter, you're sick dude, shame on you.

• 57:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's gross.

• 57:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 57:12Speaker 03

  But if he's not, if it's like, I'm just watching this, she's interested, she's telling me about it, and now I have to get up and leave the room because you've made it difficult for me to stay here.

• 57:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 57:21Speaker 03

  Then she's got some issues she needs to deal with.

• 57:23Dr. John Delony?

  And so, here's the deal, I would sit down and with my, if I'm you, I would sit down with her and say, we've reached a point where the house is stopping because you've got some...

• 57:34Dr. John Delony?

  Challenging insecurities, I want to talk about it. How can I make you feel loved? What is it about seeing these other women? These other either fictional characters or other real people? And by the way, college athletes are in the best shape of their lives. Of course, they look different than the rest of us. And actresses and actors on movie screens. I mean, people call me like, like, man, you look like Brad Pitt a lot. That happens a lot, but like Kelly's like, never, that never happens. But like, um, of course, that's why they're movie stars, right? So of course they look aesthetically like whatever. They look awesome. Um, but if that, if I bring that into my own chest and into my own spirit and I look in the, in the, in the mirror and I think I'm less than.

• 58:18Dr. John Delony?

  I'm unable to be in the room. I gotta get out and walk out on my daughter because she's watching a sport. Then yeah, I need to go talk to somebody because that means I've got some deep insecurities that are going to ripple through my family for a long, long time. So, and if you're an oogly gross dude, don't be that. That's just gross. Just gross. Love you guys, bye.