Pierre Novellie

Stand-up, podcaster, and Ed's wine club buddy Pierre Novellie has a table booked this week. They chat dream meals, getting trapped in caves, and whether the Queen in Narnia was fit. Pierre Novellie is at London’s Soho Theatre with his new show ‘OK, One More Then Bedtime’ until Thu 1 Oct 2026. Get tickets at sohotheatre.com https://sohotheatre.com/events/pierre-novellie-okay-one-more-then-bedtime/ Pierre will be announcing a tour very soon – sign up to his mailing list to find out tour dates at pierrenovellie.com https://www.pierrenovellie.com/ Pierre’s book, ‘Why Can’t I Just Enjoy Things?: A Comedian's Guide to Autism’ is out now. Buy it here https://www.waterstones.com/book/why-cant-i-just-enjoy-things/pierre-novellie/9781785121012. Follow Pierre on Instagram @pierrenovellie https://www.instagram.com/pierrenovellie Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Ed Gamble is on tour in 2027 with ‘Fresh Hell’. For dates and tickets go to edgamble.co.uk https://edgamble.co.uk/ Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, fresh hell. And we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows, they're going to be great, they're on sale now. Edgamble.co.uk for ticket details.

• 0:26Speaker 01

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• 1:26Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the beef of conversation, drying it in the hot air of humour, creating the borovos of podcasting. It's thematic for our guest.

• 1:42James Acaster?

  That is Ed Gamble, my name is James Acaster, that was thematic for our guest. And every single week we invite in a guest and we ask their favourite ever start a make or dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is-

• 1:52Speaker 00

  It might be sausage. Sorry to any South Africans out there, I get your dried meats mixed up.

• 1:57James Acaster?

  Pierre Novelli!

• 1:59Speaker 00

  South African.

• 2:00James Acaster?

  Pierre Novelli is from South Africa, of course, he's a fantastic comedian, author, podcaster, multi-hyphenate, I guess.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's brilliant Pierre, delighted to finally get him on the pod.

• 2:12James Acaster?

  Yes, it's been, it's been too long.

• 2:14Speaker 00

  And he's a foodie as well.

• 2:15James Acaster?

  He's a foodie, he's part of Ed's little wine crew, we'll get into that later, I hope, I'll be bringing that up.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:21James Acaster?

  And even though he is all of these things, we will kick him out if he says the secret ingredient. We need to be honest about it.

• 2:28Speaker 00

  And this week, the secret ingredient is-

• 2:31James Acaster?

  Blackcurrant Lem'sip. I like blackcurrant Lem'sip, Ed doesn't like it.

• 2:37Speaker 00

  Don't call it Lem'sip if it doesn't have any lemon in it.

• 2:39James Acaster?

  So I like it, blackcurrant Lem'sip, I prefer it to normal Lem'sip. Ed doesn't like it, doesn't think it should even be called Lem'sip because it's not got lemon in it.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:46James Acaster?

  We're going to see if Pierre picks it and then we can have that debate.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  I don't think he will, but it's worth a shot.

• 2:51James Acaster?

  It's unlikely, but I would like the public and our listeners and our viewers, who might be watching this on YouTube right now, to discuss it.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:01James Acaster?

  And talk about-

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Tweet Benito.

• 3:03James Acaster?

  Whether they figure, yeah, tweet Benito, tweet him.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  The great Betweeto.

• 3:07James Acaster?

  The great Betweeto!

• 3:09Speaker 00

  We've already had Lem'sip as a secret ingredient.

• 3:11James Acaster?

  This is a sequel of sorts.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, Phil Ellis had Lem'sip as a secret ingredient.

• 3:15James Acaster?

  And now we've got blackcurrant Lem'sip, and I guess if they ever do any other flavours.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, which they will probably.

• 3:20James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, then we can, we can include that.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  They'll probably do Biscoff or something.

• 3:24James Acaster?

  Birthday cake flavour.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  Or salted caramel.

• 3:26James Acaster?

  Yeah, something like that, so we'll see, we'll see, we'll see what the boys at Lem'sip come up with.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, and girls.

• 3:32James Acaster?

  I'm assuming it's mainly boys.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  At Lem'sip?

• 3:35James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Really?

• 3:36James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  This is the off menu menu of Pierre Novelli.

• 3:39James Acaster?

  Pierre Novelli!

• 3:49James Acaster?

  Welcome Pierre to the dream restaurant! Welcome Pierre Novelli to the dream restaurant, we've been expecting you for some time.

• 3:56Speaker 03

  Thank you very much. When you imagine yourself as the genie, are you blue like Aladdin? Like, are you a different-

• 4:01James Acaster?

  I'm as the guest, because it's your dream restaurant.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:04James Acaster?

  I'm as the guest imagines me each episode.

• 4:07Speaker 03

  Okay, 100% Robin Williams, Aladdin kind of thing.

• 4:10Speaker 00

  It's sort of, there's no other genie really in my mind.

• 4:12Speaker 03

  Who else am I gonna, do I see a panto that was better than that film?

• 4:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I guess panto genie, but then, you know, it's not as good as Robin Williams.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  Someone who was in EastEnders?

• 4:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:24Speaker 03

  I can bet to Robin Williams at his, at his height.

• 4:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:27James Acaster?

  Also, like, genies have been like, you know, just like a thing for centuries?

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've got to say centuries.

• 4:35James Acaster?

  People talking about genies.

• 4:36Speaker 03

  In the West, 800 years.

• 4:37James Acaster?

  A long time.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  There you go, look, this is, this is what's going to be good this episode, is when you try and do a bit of history, you're clearly just making it, pulling it out of your arse. Right, we've got Pierre here who knows his shit.

• 4:47James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  He literally just said, "In the West, 800 years."

• 4:50James Acaster?

  In the West, 800 years.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, and you go, "It's for ages?"

• 4:53James Acaster?

  Ages, centuries?

• 4:54Speaker 03

  Both correct.

• 4:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, both correct, yeah. I mean, but luckily, in the case of James.

• 4:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes, yeah, but good instincts.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:01James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, good instincts.

• 5:04Speaker 03

  Driving towards the facts.

• 5:05James Acaster?

  Yeah, but not really knowing that they're there.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  Also, you should be driving.

• 5:09James Acaster?

  I shouldn't be driving, I'm a bad driver, but I know the history there.

• 5:15James Acaster?

  But yeah, I mean, Robin Williams-

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:19James Acaster?

  In the 90s, doing Aladdin.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:24James Acaster?

  And completely changing how everyone sees genies, which have been about for centuries. And now, whenever we think about a genie, they think of the Robin Williams version, that is quite a thing.

• 5:32Speaker 03

  To be like the Coca-Cola Red Father Christmas of genies.

• 5:35James Acaster?

  Exactly.

• 5:36Speaker 03

  They're blue now.

• 5:37James Acaster?

  They're blue now.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  And they're whimsical.

• 5:39James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  And they do impressions that make, are more funny if you were sort of an adult in the 80s.

• 5:44James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 5:47James Acaster?

  Man, I loved it so much.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  If I actually met the genie from Aladdin.

• 5:50James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  I think he'd get on my nerves within six minutes.

• 5:54James Acaster?

  So stop doing so much.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  That's because you'd have to say to the genie, "Look, I'm in the business as well." "I riff as well."

• 6:02James Acaster?

  Yeah, just like wishes, please.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  When the genie appears to comedians, he's like a deadly serious Hollywood agent.

• 6:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 6:08Speaker 03

  Like, no fun at all.

• 6:09James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 6:09Speaker 03

  Really serious.

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Just give me the rules.

• 6:11Speaker 03

  What are the percentages here? And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, sorry."

• 6:14James Acaster?

  Imagine the genie, yeah, when it is a comedian that's rubbed the lamp, the genie turns into this like, you know, when you're on a long car journey to a gig with another comic you don't know that well.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:24James Acaster?

  And they go for being really fun on stage to just like going like, "Well, who books that? Well, I could never get in with that person."

• 6:29Speaker 03

  He's like slagging off other genies.

• 6:30James Acaster?

  Whatever, that, they get all the, that other genie gets all of the wit. Everyone wants to like rub his lamp, and what's wrong with my lamp? I've been doing this for so long.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  You've got to do panto, you've got to learn the trade.

• 6:40James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  He just goes leapfrog straight to Disney?

• 6:43James Acaster?

  Yeah, straight away, I don't understand how they're doing it, these, all these young genies these days.

• 6:47Speaker 03

  It's like, it's the granting wishes on TikTok.

• 6:51Speaker 03

  People doing comments, they're just popping out the lamp and what, chatting to the people who've rubbed the lamp? And that's, that's good enough now, apparently?

• 6:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  I put on a show!

• 6:59James Acaster?

  Oh, thank, I'm catching all these different characters.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, doing impressions?

• 7:04James Acaster?

  Yeah, they learn their craft, man.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:06James Acaster?

  For you, am I also doing all the characters like Robin Williams and changing into stuff all the time? Or you want me to be a bit more-

• 7:13Speaker 03

  I think as you, your artist, but, but it still looks kind of like that, yeah.

• 7:18James Acaster?

  Happy to do that.

• 7:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:19James Acaster?

  Happy to do it. And what's the lamp like for you? What is that like, is that the Aladdin lamp?

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, it looks like, I really like how those Moroccan lamps look, I guess like lighting lamps, with stained glass and things.

• 7:31James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 7:32Speaker 03

  Like a sort of, an aspect of that to it.

• 7:34James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 7:34Speaker 03

  It'd be nice, yeah, very-

• 7:35James Acaster?

  I don't think I've seen these, a stained glass lamp?

• 7:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, they're, they're sort of, lots of different coloured bits of stained glass in a kind of brass frame and hanging from the ceiling. I mean, these are lighting lamps as opposed to oil lamps like the, yeah.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  I never even, when I was a kid, they would say, "Oh, that's a lamp."

• 7:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:52Speaker 00

  And I'd like look at a lamp in my house and be like, "It must be two different things."

• 7:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  "It must be for two different purposes, lamp must mean something different."

• 8:00Speaker 03

  Why can you go inside that one?

• 8:01James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  Why are you inside that one, why has it got a spout?

• 8:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, I guess in the modern one, he should be inside a bulb.

• 8:07James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  Hammering on a glass bulb, you'd see him the whole time.

• 8:10Speaker 00

  That's good, yeah, that's what Will Smith should have been like.

• 8:13James Acaster?

  Tamagotchi.

• 8:14Speaker 03

  A magical Tamagotchi.

• 8:16James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 8:17Speaker 03

  Slaps you.

• 8:17James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 8:20James Acaster?

  Surely there's a Tamagotchi movie around the corner.

• 8:22Speaker 00

  You've got to hope so.

• 8:23Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, how busy is Jack Black?

• 8:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 8:27Speaker 03

  Stick him in it, stick him in it.

• 8:29James Acaster?

  Jumanji, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  Like, the end of the movie is the kid, because obviously then you like zoom out and it's all happening inside the Tamagotchi.

• 8:36James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  And it's the end of the movie is the kid like pushing a pencil into the button you can push at the back, you know, with Tamagotchis?

• 8:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  It like resets the Tamagotchi.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  Well, they have to try and convince the big pencil not to do it.

• 8:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:48Speaker 03

  And also on the poster, one of the Tamagotchis is posing with her arms folded and one eyebrow raised.

• 8:52James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 8:53Speaker 03

  Because it's an animated film.

• 8:54James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 8:55Speaker 03

  They have to look a little cheeky.

• 8:57James Acaster?

  Oh, so the pencil's the villain?

• 8:58Speaker 00

  Hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  And it's quite like they're trying to convince like God from their point of view not to reset them.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 03

  Even though they keep, keep shitting.

• 9:05Speaker 00

  And the pencil's English.

• 9:06Speaker 03

  And they're real.

• 9:07James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 9:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm a pencil.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  They've got a sort of AI Tim Curry voice to do it.

• 9:12James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 9:13Speaker 03

  They've convinced Tim Curry to sign over the rights to AI generate, you know, it's the, it's the Home Alone 2 voice.

• 9:18James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The finest in New York, that's my favourite part.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  When he says, "Pizza."

• 9:25James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:26Speaker 00

  Pizza, yeah, I watched it recently.

• 9:27Speaker 03

  Like, he doesn't know what pizza is.

• 9:29James Acaster?

  Cheese, pizza, pizza. So good in that film.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  Really good.

• 9:33James Acaster?

  He's probably the best part of that film.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:35James Acaster?

  I think, like, and it's a classic, every part of that film I love, but every time I watch it, I go, I forget how good Tim Curry is in this one.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  It's just always, always, always interesting for listeners to know, this is our second episode recording this day. I don't know how far apart the episodes are going to be.

• 9:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  But this is also our second Home Alone 2 riff of the day.

• 9:53James Acaster?

  Wow! Yeah, second of the day.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  It's in the air.

• 9:56James Acaster?

  And if, if, if you can figure out, listeners, that the two episodes that were recorded on the same day.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:01James Acaster?

  Tweet the Off Menu podcast and the great Benito will send you a signed chopping board.

• 10:05Speaker 03

  Off Menu Jigsaw.

• 10:06Speaker 00

  Off Menu Jigsaw.

• 10:07Speaker 03

  If listeners can place episodes in the order in which they were recorded.

• 10:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:10Speaker 03

  It's a big prize though, for a full year of episodes.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:13Speaker 03

  That's good for a full year, it's got to be.

• 10:15James Acaster?

  If someone can take this whole series that we're doing now, put them in the order that they were recorded and send them in, do you know what, I'm going to say it, Ed and I will also sign the chopping board. Mmm.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  Hang on. So in the past, when we've been promising signed chopping boards, which have never been sent to anyone, are you imagining it's just Ben who signed the chopping board?

• 10:35James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Oh, I see.

• 10:38James Acaster?

  I thought that was about saying, Bonito signs the chopping board and he sent it to them. He thought that as well. And he did do it once. And that's what he did. He just signed great Bonito and he sent it to them. So but if someone gets the whole of this series in order.

• 10:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:52James Acaster?

  We will sign it and we will try and get as many guests who've been on the podcast that series, including Pierre.

• 10:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:58James Acaster?

  To sign that chopping board.

• 10:59Speaker 03

  We have to get in contact with like 20 people.

• 11:02James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 11:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. To sign a chopping board after they've been on the podcast.

• 11:06James Acaster?

  Bonito is the one good journey. Remember that. We don't have to do that.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  Yeah. Go around London on a moped.

• 11:10James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 11:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. Just getting signatures. Flight to LA probably.

• 11:14James Acaster?

  Yeah. Definitely have to go to LA at some point.

• 11:16Speaker 03

  But you're not allowed to take anything apart from the chopping board.

• 11:18James Acaster?

  Yeah, you just have to check the chopping board. That's your luggage.

• 11:20Speaker 03

  Hand luggage. Yeah. Enjoy. Enjoy the reaction of the security there.

• 11:24James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Or check it in.

• 11:25Speaker 03

  Mm hmm. You can check it in.

• 11:27James Acaster?

  Yeah, you can check it in if you want. No one's gonna stop you from checking it in. Yes, take a Sharpie.

• 11:31Speaker 03

  Pen, yeah, Sharpie. Oh, check, check the board in and take the pen as hand luggage.

• 11:35James Acaster?

  Yeah, that's your hand luggage.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  That's your hand luggage.

• 11:36James Acaster?

  Go on with that.

• 11:37Speaker 03

  Pop it in the overhead compartment.

• 11:39James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. You're not allowed to keep it anywhere else. You have to put it in the overhead. You have to insist on going to the overhead. These are all the rules for you, Bonito.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  There you go. Got it. Didn't write any of that.

• 11:49James Acaster?

  This is only if someone gets them all in the right order.

• 11:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big challenge.

• 11:52James Acaster?

  Uh, did you use a Sharpie when writing your book, Pierre?

• 11:55Speaker 03

  Ah.

• 11:56James Acaster?

  Not the best link you've ever done, because who would use a Sharpie to write a book?

• 12:00Speaker 03

  Big book. Yeah.

• 12:02James Acaster?

  Huge font.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  How many pages? Well, a lot of pages, but it's not a long book.

• 12:06James Acaster?

  Yeah. Uh, you're sending it off to your publisher going, I've written 500 pages. Like, Pierre, it's eight words.

• 12:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, assemble them. When you're trying to print something too big on only A4, all comes out in little segments.

• 12:19James Acaster?

  Like a birthday banner.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  Um, I do, I had a Sharpie with me during the fringe to sign it if anyone wanted it signed after the show.

• 12:25James Acaster?

  Nice.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  This monkey barrel were kind enough to let me sell it.

• 12:28James Acaster?

  Yeah, that would have been a better link.

• 12:29Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 12:30James Acaster?

  A better link would have been, and have you signed, because we've signed chopping board, have you signed copies of your new book, Pierre?

• 12:36Speaker 03

  Why can't I just enjoy things? The name of the book is fantastic.

• 12:39James Acaster?

  Yeah, that's not Ed out loud, pontificating about himself.

• 12:42Speaker 03

  Well, Ed.

• 12:42James Acaster?

  I also feel like that. It's not what the podcast has come to. We're midway for an episode.

• 12:47Speaker 03

  Yes. Why can't I just enjoy things? The subtitle, A Comedian's Guide to Autism. I tried to do a one-on-one book, because I got diagnosed at like 31, I think, around there. And the books were like informative, but very like medically written and quite serious. And also mainly, they were written like they were talking to your parents.

• 13:06James Acaster?

  Right.

• 13:07Speaker 03

  So you're gonna, it's not the most friendly way to, it's not fun either. And also I thought.

• 13:12James Acaster?

  Everything ends with pass it on.

• 13:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So tell that little weirdo to sharpen up. When was this written?

• 13:20James Acaster?

  Nineties.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Sharpen up.

• 13:22James Acaster?

  Chapter three, pull your socks up.

• 13:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Chapter four, just eat it.

• 13:28Speaker 03

  Just eat it. Um, yeah. And so I thought.

• 13:30James Acaster?

  That was my book.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:31James Acaster?

  Yeah, to be fair.

• 13:32Speaker 03

  If you make it funny, then also like, it's not as hard a sell for like your, your reluctant relative or partner to read, right? You'd be like, no, no, it's funny. Like, sugar the pill.

• 13:44James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 13:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. So that was the, the plan.

• 13:46James Acaster?

  And what, have you, have you had much, like, since it's been out in the world? You must have had people like get in touch and say, what effect, or how they found it and like, is there anything that sticks in your mind that is like, oh, good, that's exactly what I wanted. And that's, you know?

• 13:59Speaker 03

  I got a really, I've had a few handwritten letters. And one, the guy sent a letter that was very nice and very like profound about his own life. And he attached pictures, little Polaroids. And this is nice. It might sound sinister, like Polaroids of his kids. And he's like, these are my kids and they're both autistic and now I know I am. I can be nicer to them, you know, than I had.

• 14:20James Acaster?

  And so did he sort of, did his diagnosis start with reading your book?

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Uh, he read the book when he realized how similar his issues as a kid were to his kids.

• 14:30James Acaster?

  Right, okay.

• 14:31Speaker 03

  Like live now.

• 14:32James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 03

  A lot of middle-aged men find out that way.

• 14:35James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  Where they go to somewhere because their kid's having a hard time and the doctor describes a bunch of stuff and they go, but that's normal. But that's life, isn't it? So I get, I get a message from someone, like mainly it's like DMs or something, once every two or three days, I think, on average. Sometimes you get a bunch in a row and yeah, a few handwritten letters. It's very nice. It does make comedy seem a bit more shallow. You're getting a handwritten letter or the picture of someone's kids going, they're gonna enjoy bum jokes just as much as I wish I'd done. Thanks to your bum joke show.

• 15:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 15:10James Acaster?

  Well, speaking of comedy, you are on tour as well. That's a good link.

• 15:14Speaker 03

  That's good. Yeah.

• 15:15James Acaster?

  That was good.

• 15:16Speaker 03

  But we've been through how it's not, it's not a good link if you say it's a good link. Do you remember?

• 15:20James Acaster?

  Hmm. But that's normal.

• 15:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:26James Acaster?

  The show is fantastic.

• 15:28Speaker 03

  Thank you. And there's a long story in it about beef.

• 15:30James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 15:32Speaker 03

  Which is on brand.

• 15:33James Acaster?

  Yeah. You arrived here with beef, of course.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, it's like a cowboy and his gun, isn't it? Can't go anywhere without it. So it's my safe thing. Makes you feel safe.

• 15:44James Acaster?

  It's like you're constantly worried that you're gonna be searched by the beef police.

• 15:47Speaker 03

  The beef police. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:48James Acaster?

  But the beef police, in this context, they want, they need you to have beef. They're not policing, but they're policing non-beef.

• 15:55Speaker 03

  They're policing non-beef. Yeah, Sergeant Mince.

• 15:59James Acaster?

  Sergeant sausage.

• 16:00Speaker 03

  Sergeant sausage. Reports to Mayor Mince.

• 16:06Speaker 03

  In the beef police, yeah.

• 16:07James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 16:08Speaker 03

  They stink.

• 16:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 16:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. Every time I go somewhere, I think, are they, are they gonna have beef there?

• 16:15James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 16:16Speaker 03

  That's the first question I ask. Yeah, planning my life. Are they gonna have beef there?

• 16:20James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 16:20Speaker 03

  I bring my own.

• 16:22James Acaster?

  Are you eating a lot of beef on tour?

• 16:24Speaker 03

  I try not, I try not to. But you know, you know what it's like when you've done a tour show, one that's finished it maybe unusually early and you're in a major city where you can maybe have something nice as opposed to something terrible late at night. And you think, I could have a Massaman curry.

• 16:40James Acaster?

  Yeah, sure.

• 16:41Speaker 03

  Right now, instead of staring at the art choices of whatever I best saw.

• 16:47James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 16:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's, it's tough to resist.

• 16:51James Acaster?

  I've been told to eat more beef.

• 16:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, the fuck?

• 16:54James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  No, you're speaking my language.

• 16:56James Acaster?

  Yeah, I've been told that I don't get enough iron.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  I'd kill for that.

• 16:59James Acaster?

  Ah. And they said just a couple of times a week, just like, you know, if you wanna have a steak or something, just like, you should probably do something like that.

• 17:07Speaker 03

  You got a beef prescription.

• 17:08James Acaster?

  I was like, I was like, let me see some credentials. Because I was like.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  This is an old Texan doctor.

• 17:15James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 17:16Speaker 03

  Well, I think you need a little more beef. You get it rrrr in the background. What's that noise? Are you on a cattle farm? No, no, no, that's a patient. I'm being very unprofessional. That's someone who's had too much beef. So I'm balanced. I go both ways. I'm telling him to eat less and you to eat more. Yeah. But you're, you're quite a pale man. Is that what it is?

• 17:44James Acaster?

  I think so.

• 17:45Speaker 03

  You need to look more, you're more red than the face.

• 17:46James Acaster?

  Yeah, this was like a Zoom consultation with a nutritionalist who was able to say to me, are you getting enough, uh?

• 17:54Speaker 03

  Are you getting enough beef?

• 17:55James Acaster?

  Yeah, like, you don't look, from the form you filled out and looking at you over Zoom, I think you are not getting enough iron in your tire.

• 18:04Speaker 03

  It's odd to me that they didn't say get, have an iron supplement.

• 18:09James Acaster?

  Well, I do have that. I was prescribed that as well. She said, you need to do, start doing multivitamin, have this one, there's some iron in it. But they were like, you know, if you could just, every now and again, just like, get a steak. Because, because we're going through like what I have protein wise.

• 18:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:26James Acaster?

  And I was just like, I just don't ever really have. I said, I went through a big steak phase in like 2015.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:32James Acaster?

  Where like I suddenly got into steak and I couldn't stop eating them. And it got to the point where I was like, what the hell am I doing? This is insane. I have to stop.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  Prescribed beef over Zoom is like a modern Tom Waits.

• 18:44James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 18:45Speaker 03

  Or something like, like from Singapore. Prescribed beef over Zoom, liar.

• 18:51James Acaster?

  While someone's playing some tin cans in the background.

• 18:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:55James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  I wish I could. That's a great Zoom call to have.

• 18:59James Acaster?

  Yeah, it was that, that bit.

• 19:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, you and I.

• 19:01James Acaster?

  You and I are never having that conversation with anyone.

• 19:03Speaker 03

  No one's, if anyone tells us to eat more beef, it's sarcasm.

• 19:07James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 19:07Speaker 03

  Yeah. And that's how I pronounce that word.

• 19:09James Acaster?

  Yeah, sarcasm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love when people do that. The, the only way anyone's telling me to eat more beef is if they're like, you gotta eat a huge bit of beef just to try and drive the rest of the beef through the arteries.

• 19:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah.

• 19:22James Acaster?

  As sort of a shock to the system.

• 19:24Speaker 03

  The only thing that can fix this beef is the bigger beef. It's like Alien versus Predator in there.

• 19:29James Acaster?

  Yeah. It's like when Homer gets stuck in the slide and they send all the kids down.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  You have what we call beef dependent organs. And now that you've had this much beef over such a long time, to cut you off now would kill you.

• 19:43Speaker 00

  You have to micro dice beef for the rest of your life.

• 19:45Speaker 03

  Little meatball.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, little meatball in the morning, like a pill.

• 19:49James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just fire it in there.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a meatball in a capsule, horrible. It just dissolves.

• 19:56James Acaster?

  Yeah, or just have someone blow piping it into your mouth.

• 19:58Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:59James Acaster?

  Straight in there.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Beef assassin.

• 20:02James Acaster?

  A little beef assassin.

• 20:03Speaker 03

  That's what the beef police are for.

• 20:05James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 03

  They're doing their best. It's like Jack the Ripper, you know, humiliated by this guy.

• 20:11James Acaster?

  Before we get into the menu, are you much for a foodie?

• 20:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes and no. So I, I, I think there's three categories and I'm in the middle. There's people who it's just like fuel, the Joel Domets.

• 20:23James Acaster?

  Sure.

• 20:23Speaker 03

  Where in an ideal world, he would have access to like a kind of Costco version of how they create the NASA food.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 20:29James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 03

  Tubes.

• 20:30James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 20:31Speaker 03

  Toothpaste, everything in a toothpaste tube, fine.

• 20:33James Acaster?

  He'd love a meatball, fight down his throat.

• 20:34Speaker 03

  Oh, he would love it.

• 20:35James Acaster?

  Piece of it.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, and, and one that is just, sod the lie. No fat in it.

• 20:42Speaker 03

  A turkey mince meatball.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 20:43Speaker 03

  If you've ever tried to make those.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 20:45Speaker 03

  You just end up adding fat back in.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:47Speaker 03

  Waste of time. So there's people like that. And then there's pure foodies. And I definitely would put Ed in that category, James probably as well, where pretty much every time you have a meal, you think, well, why not make it nice?

• 20:59Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  It could just be nice.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:01Speaker 03

  The trouble with me is that I can't be trusted, right? Cause when I start thinking, why not make it nice? Then suddenly every day is boxing day.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 03

  I'm like the food version of someone who can't have one beer.

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  It's like, can't. So when I go to a restaurant, I am a foodie. Or when I'm planning to be a foodie or, or having people over, I'll stay up till, the other day I stayed up till like 2am, dicing the ingredients for like a big pie, made a big, like a real witches pie, you know, from a fairy tale.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  Like a desperate damn pie.

• 21:33Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, it looked great.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Great.

• 21:35Speaker 03

  Like brushing egg on that thing.

• 21:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:36Speaker 03

  Absolutely. Then I'll do that. But the rest of the time, in order to keep myself just fitting in my own clothes, I have to eat more like Joel Dommett.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:45Speaker 03

  So I'm half and halfing it.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:47Speaker 03

  So I've got.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  So basically when almost, so with the restaurants, it's fine because someone else is in control of the portions.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 21:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  And, and they know when they are going to stop adding butter.

• 21:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:58Speaker 03

  Well, there's no real point where I ever feel like there's enough butter on toast.

• 22:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:03Speaker 03

  I mean, like until the crust is soaked.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:06Speaker 03

  You could add more.

• 22:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  There's no limit on it, you know?

• 22:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:09Speaker 03

  I can't, oh yeah, no. So I have to, at home, I try and not keep too many nice things in the house.

• 22:14Speaker 00

  Cause I think we are quite similar, Pierre. I think, I think we might be in the same category.

• 22:20James Acaster?

  We always start with still a sparkling water, Pierre.

• 22:22Speaker 03

  Sparkling, I think. Yeah.

• 22:24James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm trying, trying to just disrupt whatever's happening in the mouth between bites.

• 22:29James Acaster?

  I see.

• 22:30Speaker 03

  But I've got an issue with fizz. I don't know if you guys do this, but I, I only know one other person who does this consistently or have heard of them doing it. And they're also autistic, so it might be a mouth texture thing. Diet Coke is my favorite drink of all drinks, but to my detriment, you know, I just think it tastes like the future.

• 22:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:51Speaker 03

  Drinking the inside of a robot's mind.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 03

  So much. But I defizz it by like 30%.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:57James Acaster?

  Oh, interesting. Yeah.

• 22:59Speaker 03

  It's, I just.

• 22:59James Acaster?

  How are you defizzing? What's your defizzing method?

• 23:01Speaker 03

  And I've got a patented, if it's in a bottle.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:04Speaker 03

  A series of careful shakes and, and hisses.

• 23:07Speaker 00

  Shakes and release.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  Shake and release.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:09James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 03

  Tip it, tip it to try and, you know, get the bubbles back down again. Shake and release. Do that like three times. Can is harder. Hopefully you're somewhere where you've got a coffee stirrer.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:18Speaker 03

  And stick that in, give it a little swizz. Now you're, now you're.

• 23:22James Acaster?

  You're swizzing round or do you just put it in there?

• 23:23Speaker 03

  Put it in there and swizz it round, like stirring the diet coke.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  You could do glass to glass as a defizzing method.

• 23:29Speaker 03

  That's true. And you'd feel like an alchemist.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  I used to have to do, I used to have to do, and you can really get the height going with how you're pouring it.

• 23:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:36James Acaster?

  I saw someone fuck that up once, it's best thing. See the cocktail, do the whole thing and then just. All over the floor, then.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  I used to have to do that for when I worked in a pub for one of the regulars who didn't want his Heineken to be fizzy.

• 23:51Speaker 03

  Oh, really?

• 23:51Speaker 00

  So I had to get two glasses, pour a pint of Heineken, pour it into the glass, pour it back into the glass to take some fizz off the Heineken.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  Fully take the fizz or just a little?

• 23:59Speaker 00

  A little bit.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  A little, a little.

• 24:00Speaker 00

  And he would just leave it for ages as well. Yeah.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:04James Acaster?

  For a Heineken.

• 24:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:06James Acaster?

  Yeah. Doesn't even.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  It was not a nice pub.

• 24:09James Acaster?

  Flat, flat lager. Still, if you're gonna be that fussy.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:12James Acaster?

  Why?

• 24:13Speaker 00

  Lager, yeah.

• 24:13James Acaster?

  Yeah, if you're gonna order a Heineken, buddy.

• 24:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I've since, you know, since found out just now, it might have been.

• 24:18Speaker 03

  You're a divergent.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  Well, that's true, yeah.

• 24:20James Acaster?

  Might have been a mouth texture.

• 24:21Speaker 03

  Send that guy, cover the book.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:23James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:23Speaker 03

  Read it in whatever frightening pub he's in now.

• 24:25James Acaster?

  Yeah, said in the corner of the pub.

• 24:28Speaker 03

  Going, what? Oh, every now and then, between sips of post house party flat Heineken.

• 24:35James Acaster?

  Calling his mates over. I think you might wanna read this.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  Do you want the sparkling water defizzed a bit or?

• 24:41Speaker 03

  A little bit, yeah. But I would like it to taste like a cave. I like it when it's really, it's not just normal water with fizz in it.

• 24:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 03

  There's minerality.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Someone's dropped a chalk thing from a blackboard in there overnight.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  That's what I want. Kitty stones.

• 24:59James Acaster?

  Like stalactites in the cave? Is that a kind of cave or just?

• 25:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. People go on tours there.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 25:05Speaker 03

  Walk around.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:06Speaker 03

  They, they try and remember which is stalactites and which is stalagmites.

• 25:10Speaker 00

  Yes, there's always, there's normally a sort of chart or something in a cave. If you're going on a tour, it'll tell you which ones which.

• 25:16Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, yeah.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:17Speaker 03

  Stalactites are holding tightly to the ceiling.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 25:21James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 25:22Speaker 00

  I just remember Harry, the Harry Hill bit.

• 25:24James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 00

  Stalactites, stalagmites, yeah.

• 25:27James Acaster?

  What a, what a great legacy.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  There's early.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  You leave one thing behind.

• 25:33James Acaster?

  I went through a phase of watching YouTube videos of people who'd got trapped in caves.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Oh, it's my worst nightmare.

• 25:40Speaker 03

  I can't.

• 25:41Speaker 00

  It's genuinely my worst nightmare.

• 25:42Speaker 03

  I can't watch videos of them succeeding.

• 25:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:44James Acaster?

  It's, it, it is like scariest one was a guy who had, you know, gone caving.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  Is this the nutty butty one or whatever?

• 25:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:54James Acaster?

  No.

• 25:55Speaker 03

  The famous one where they, like they couldn't get him out.

• 25:57James Acaster?

  Well, they couldn't get him out.

• 25:58Speaker 03

  He was head down.

• 25:59James Acaster?

  Head down. Jesus Moses Christ.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's about like breaking his legs at the knee to try and get him.

• 26:05James Acaster?

  Just die.

• 26:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:06James Acaster?

  It's so fucking bad.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  So hard to explain.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Don't call it spelunking. That sounds so fun.

• 26:11Speaker 03

  Spelunking sounds, yeah, like it involves trampolines.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 03

  This is, this is not spelunking. This should just be called.

• 26:17Speaker 00

  Death wish.

• 26:18Speaker 03

  Death wish.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:19Speaker 03

  Hades. Finding Hades.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  I'm just off to do a Hades death wish. Do you wanna come?

• 26:25Speaker 03

  No, all right, thanks, mate.

• 26:26James Acaster?

  No, but I'm glad they called it that, so that I can pass immediately.

• 26:30Speaker 03

  Fucking trampoline gumdrop challenge.

• 26:31James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 26:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'll come to it.

• 26:33James Acaster?

  Yeah, I'll come.

• 26:33Speaker 00

  What the hell is this?

• 26:36Speaker 00

  I've got squeezed into a space that's smaller than me.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Spelunking is like a Dr. Seuss thing.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 03

  Little hairy creatures with machines that covered in horns and springs and things. Oh, it's horrible.

• 26:46James Acaster?

  Just, I mean, I know this isn't, this isn't exactly what people tune into this podcast to hear this because I've just remembered the guy getting trapped.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:54James Acaster?

  Head down. Just the amount of things that you start, like I, every time I've made a, like a mistake in life that cannot be undone.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 27:02James Acaster?

  And I am now in trouble, whatever the thing is.

• 27:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, and it's your fault.

• 27:06James Acaster?

  Yeah, I think so much, why did I do that?

• 27:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:09James Acaster?

  I, I think about the little decision, the split second decision.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:12James Acaster?

  And think if I could just go back in time and not do that, imagine what my life would be like now. Imagine, and, and if, if I was, the amount of time he was upside down, headfirst in that cave, the amount of time you've got to think to yourself.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  I'm in a, yeah.

• 27:26James Acaster?

  Why did I not just check if that was the right way? Cause he'd gone the wrong way.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:32James Acaster?

  And why did I, when I thought, oh, this is a bit narrow, why didn't I just take a second to make, why did I carry on? And now all the blood's rushed to my head. I'm upside down in the fucking cave. And everyone keeps trying to get me out and I really don't feel like I'm gonna get out of it.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Also, also I'd be going, I hope I don't get out of here because this is so embarrassing.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:54James Acaster?

  I would still wanna get out.

• 27:57Speaker 03

  Fair enough, different people, different guys.

• 27:59Speaker 00

  To explain.

• 28:01James Acaster?

  I, I, I would get out and then if I was as embarrassed as you say.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:04James Acaster?

  I would just go out the cave, thank you for rescuing me, and say to all my friends and family who've turned up because they were hoping I was gonna get out of the cave, go, it's been nice knowing you guys. I'm gonna go and live a new life now.

• 28:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:15James Acaster?

  It's like, I'm too embarrassed. I can't see any of you ever again.

• 28:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:18James Acaster?

  I'm really glad I got out of the cave, but I'm not gonna, we're done.

• 28:21Speaker 00

  I'm gonna go.

• 28:21Speaker 03

  You wouldn't live in a field.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  You wouldn't style it out. You wouldn't go, it was just getting good in there.

• 28:25James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, I was loving it. And you guys are a bunch of wimps. You, you guys are the ones who panicked.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was about to figure it all out.

• 28:31James Acaster?

  I was spelunking.

• 28:32Speaker 03

  Bright red, because all the blood's in your head.

• 28:34James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:34Speaker 00

  Your whole body withered and pale.

• 28:36Speaker 03

  Just a huge bloody head. Me spending the wrong way like a grasshopper.

• 28:41James Acaster?

  I liked it.

• 28:44James Acaster?

  Poploms or bread? Poploms or bread, Pierre de Velli? Poploms or bread?

• 28:47Speaker 03

  It's gotta be, it's gotta be bread for me.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Here's what's great about this. We've had many, many meals together, so I know if you're lying.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 28:54James Acaster?

  Of course, I mean, well.

• 28:55Speaker 03

  It's true.

• 28:55James Acaster?

  Yes, you guys are big.

• 28:57Speaker 03

  We're in a.

• 28:58James Acaster?

  You're, you're in a gang.

• 28:59Speaker 03

  Spooky little club.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're in a spooky club.

• 29:01James Acaster?

  You're in a spooky little club.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  We go for dinner a lot. Same group of us go for dinner a lot.

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:05James Acaster?

  And get absolutely hammered. It's always like, I always tend to see Ed the day before for some reason, just coincidentally, what you're doing, I'm going out with the, with the wine gang.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:16James Acaster?

  We're going away for the weekend. All right. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be sensible though this weekend. I, I, I, I've, I've, I've been, you know, really healthy lately. I've been really on top of stuff and I do wanna maintain that. And, and like, I think it'll be quite quiet. And I was like, well, you're going with Wang and Pierre and Ollie and people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's gonna, I'm just gonna keep it.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  By the way, just say Freddie because he's the last one and we absolutely got to be missed out.

• 29:39James Acaster?

  Freddie's gonna be there. And then, and then like literally Ed will go, see you later. And it's like Ed walks out the door, the door swings, and then by the time it's swung shut, he sent me a text of all of you fucking hammered.

• 29:51James Acaster?

  Here we are, and I've never seen any group of people look more clearly drunk in my life. It's always just like.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  The red man.

• 30:00James Acaster?

  Some of you are trying to look sober.

• 30:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:03James Acaster?

  Some of you are not, and they're just like going, whatever. This is, we know what's going on here. And it's always not even trying. And it's always trying to communicate in the photo how drunk he is. Just smiling at the camera, really pleased with himself. And there's always like a humongous bottle of wine or some like ridiculous, like a pig's head or something.

• 30:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:23James Acaster?

  In the middle of the table.

• 30:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like a Henry the Eighth diar.

• 30:27James Acaster?

  Yeah, and Ollie's like this, like dad or like, literally a big, a big mum who just like breastfeeds their children wine.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  Where is he?

• 30:36James Acaster?

  Like, it seems to be that's what's going on in your group.

• 30:38Speaker 00

  It is. One red, one white.

• 30:39James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. He's just there with you all, just pumping you full of wine constantly. And, uh, and that's the gang.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  It's fun.

• 30:48James Acaster?

  I do, I do like the updates.

• 30:49Speaker 00

  Like, I, I love the meals, I love the wine. What I can't deal with anymore, I think I, I am more of a lightweight as I get older.

• 30:57James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 30:57Speaker 00

  What I can't deal with anymore is pints before and pints after. That is an absolute kiss of death to me.

• 31:03Speaker 03

  Pints after, I feel like, um, they're more dangerous because we've, going from wine to beer.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:09Speaker 03

  If you go from stronger to weaker, it just is like nothing.

• 31:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:12Speaker 03

  And that's a mistake.

• 31:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:13Speaker 03

  Maybe, yeah. It is funny though, there are, like in those pictures, there's like a, an amount of empty bottles on the table.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, doesn't match up with the amount of people who are there.

• 31:21Speaker 03

  No, not at all. And you'd be like, it's like props from a school play and suggest like, how much wine do grownups drink? Three or four bottles each, I imagine. Completely inaccurate looking.

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 31:34James Acaster?

  Yeah, so you guys are nuts.

• 31:36Speaker 03

  I'm amazed that I remember.

• 31:37Speaker 00

  Sorry, Brad, sorry, yeah.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  I remember, I'm amazed I remember anywhere we've been.

• 31:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:42James Acaster?

  But what were you gonna say? You said we could have been through a few meals together. So what's, what's surprising about the bread?

• 31:46Speaker 03

  No, it wasn't surprising.

• 31:47James Acaster?

  Oh, you just knew anyway.

• 31:48Speaker 03

  Saying, if he had, was like, oh, I'm not really into bread, I'd be like, shut up.

• 31:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:53Speaker 03

  Don't style this out, you little bread freak.

• 31:55James Acaster?

  I've seen, I've seen you. You know you can't at any point lie on this podcast.

• 31:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 31:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a CIA, yeah, yeah, whole wired up, hooked up.

• 32:04James Acaster?

  Straight in.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  Heads the polygraph.

• 32:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:07Speaker 03

  I'd never been to an Indian restaurant until I was over eighteen, until I was at uni, because my parents can't, can't deal with spice of any kind. And there wasn't really one where I grew up madly. Maybe they was, but it just, it never came up as a thing.

• 32:20Speaker 00

  The Isle of Man for the listeners.

• 32:22Speaker 03

  The Isle of Man, yeah. So I moved to the Isle of Man from South Africa, the normal thing to have done.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. And so we just never done it. Like, I'd had things like that, but like, I had, I wasn't conversant. And I remember sort of having to like learn as an adult, like, like I don't know what the difference between a madrasan and a bune is. Like, I'd have to try everything and figure it all out. And I do like papadums, but there's less variety. And I've been to a couple of restaurants where something that they do where I just think this is dangerous, is it's not just they give you a roll, but there's a whole bread basket.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  And there's like a very dark, like almost sweet rye.

• 33:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  Slice. And there's a pretzel one.

• 33:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:04Speaker 03

  It's got that shine. And then there's white potato sourdough. And then there's like, just like bog standard, like baguette piece. Just all this array. And all the places now are doing like whipped anchovy butter.

• 33:16Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 33:16Speaker 03

  So you can have like normal butter, whipped anchovy butter, the olive oil, the balsamic.

• 33:21Speaker 00

  Oh, man.

• 33:21James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 33:22Speaker 03

  I'm losing my mind.

• 33:24James Acaster?

  And you want these warm?

• 33:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Warm and, and, and in a kind of rus- a rustic basket.

• 33:30James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 33:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I want.

• 33:31James Acaster?

  Who do you want to have wove the basket?

• 33:33Speaker 03

  Wove the basket?

• 33:34James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 33:35Speaker 03

  Andrew Lloyd Webber?

• 33:36James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  What's he gonna sound like when he weaves the basket, Joe?

• 33:42James Acaster?

  Uh, my name is Andrew. Hello, hello, hello. I'm weaving the basket and it's time to go.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, there you go. Yeah, that's exactly it.

• 33:52James Acaster?

  Have to remember the song for a second there.

• 33:54Speaker 03

  Uncanny.

• 33:54James Acaster?

  Luckily, I remember the whole song.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  I love a song where it's, some of the lyrics are, hello, hello, hello.

• 34:01Speaker 03

  Good.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  Do you want them to bring the whole basket and put it on the table in front of you?

• 34:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  Or do you want them to do the thing where they come around with a selection of bread and go, would you like some bread? Which, which one would you like?

• 34:13Speaker 00

  No, I hate that.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:14Speaker 00

  Because I thought you might hate that.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  I wanna say to them, don't toy with me.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:18Speaker 03

  Leave me with the basket.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  I want the bread version of Leave the Bottle from a detective movie.

• 34:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:24Speaker 03

  Leave the bottle. Don't, I want all of the, leave it. I want all of the bread. I want the one with seeds. I want the one that's from Denmark.

• 34:32James Acaster?

  Well, that's from Denmark.

• 34:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:33Speaker 03

  Stop messing around, of course. Just put it, put it, pull it there, all the different types of butter.

• 34:37James Acaster?

  Very good, sir.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  That's what they say.

• 34:39James Acaster?

  I'll tell the bait.

• 34:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. Um, I want the butter, I want the whipped anchovy stuff and all the fancy ones, but I want the normal, the plain butter to be from Isle of Man creameries.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 34:51Speaker 03

  Isle of Man butter is, it, it's as, it's, it's as good in my head as, as Irish butter is to Irish people.

• 34:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 34:58Speaker 03

  Kerrygold and stuff. Like, it's a very, I mean, they're very similar places geographically. Um, it's really good.

• 35:03James Acaster?

  Now, you were saying.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  Standard of butter.

• 35:05James Acaster?

  Before we started recording, you were saying you're our second South African guest.

• 35:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 35:08James Acaster?

  After Jojo.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Yes, Jojo.

• 35:10James Acaster?

  I think you might also be our second guest who's grown up on the Isle of Man.

• 35:14Speaker 03

  No.

• 35:15James Acaster?

  Oh, no. No, maybe it's Isle of Wight.

• 35:17Speaker 03

  Joe Locke.

• 35:17James Acaster?

  Joe Locke.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  It might be Isle of Man, actually. We'll check.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  Ooh.

• 35:20James Acaster?

  I'm not sure.

• 35:21Speaker 03

  This really.

• 35:22James Acaster?

  Now, because I've got, I've got, I've got excited by Isle of Man. I was right, I doubted myself.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  Joe Locke.

• 35:28James Acaster?

  So I think you are second Isle of Man, second South African in the same, in one man.

• 35:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, combined.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  Like, um, Jojo and, and, and Joe Locke have done that Dragon Ball Z finger touching thing, and I've popped out.

• 35:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, Jojo.

• 35:42Speaker 00

  Jojojo.

• 35:42James Acaster?

  Jojojo Locke. And, and we've got no, uh, shout outs for the butter during that episode.

• 35:47Speaker 03

  Well, did he mention the seafood?

• 35:49Speaker 00

  We mainly talked about him having a fake assistant.

• 35:52Speaker 03

  Oh, yes, of course, yeah.

• 35:55Speaker 03

  I'm not, uh, I'm not a big seafood guy, but I have, I've always been told how good the seafood is on the Isle of Man. And it was backed up by your friend and mine, Phil Wang.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  Um, because I was doing a gig there with, with Phil and Chloe Pets, and we went and did a gig there. And Phil just went to some high street place in Douglas, I'm not sure where, and he just had like a seafood, um, pasta maybe or something. He was blown away by it.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 36:17Speaker 03

  And I trusted, and he's a, he's a man of delicate princely taste.

• 36:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  So I trust him. Um, Queenies are from the Isle of Man. That's a big thing. They're like massive scallops.

• 36:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:26Speaker 03

  They, they're from like the, the water's very, very clean. So I think maybe that's part of it. And, uh, Lochton Lamb. You'd like Lochton Lamb, because they've got four horns and they look like the devil. Their skulls look like the devil's skull.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  I'd love that.

• 36:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, they look really fresh.

• 36:41James Acaster?

  It's a new tattoo for.

• 36:42Speaker 03

  Really rare lamb.

• 36:44Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 36:44Speaker 03

  I've seen Queenies and Manks Queenies and Manks Lochton Lamb on pretentious menus before.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 36:49Speaker 03

  So someone out there is, is, you know, in London or Paris is flying these things in and they've got a good reputation. But yeah, I'm not, it's wasted on me. I'm not a big seafood guy. So yeah, that, that's where I want the butter to be from.

• 36:59James Acaster?

  What do you think about when Phil got trapped in the snowman costume? Did you hear about that?

• 37:04Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 37:05James Acaster?

  What? Big deal, big deal. Over Christmas.

• 37:09Speaker 03

  Got trapped in the snowman.

• 37:10James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. My parents were texting me about it because, uh, he was, he was on a, some TV show they watch, uh, some like, you know.

• 37:17Speaker 03

  The death of terrestrial TV.

• 37:20Speaker 00

  You know, one of those parents.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  One of the ones where you gotta watch it at the time it's on. Do you remember those?

• 37:26James Acaster?

  A detective drama.

• 37:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:28James Acaster?

  Like one of those ones.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:30James Acaster?

  And it's like on a seaside town or something. And there's like, you know, a detective knocking about.

• 37:34Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, yeah.

• 37:35James Acaster?

  And, uh, just one of the, you know, I don't think I'm doing Phil down by saying, I think it was the C plot, but, uh.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  I mean, it doesn't sound like the A plot.

• 37:44Speaker 00

  It's the A plot. You can see why terrestrial TV's on, on its way out.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:48Speaker 00

  Someone sabotaged your snowman. Do you have any enemies?

• 37:52James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Grinch, but yeah.

• 37:56James Acaster?

  But yeah, he's, he's someone for the whole episode is knocking around the station in a snowman outfit. And, and they're there because they can't get out of it.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 38:03James Acaster?

  They're trapped in it. And, uh, and, you know, every now and again, you go back to them, they're chatting to people and stuff. And my mum said it was so brilliant at the end where they finally get, pull the snowman's head off and it's Phil Wang.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Are you sure they weren't watching The Masked Singer and got really mixed up?

• 38:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:17James Acaster?

  I was trying to take it off.

• 38:19Speaker 03

  She went to the toilet, your dad turned it over.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:22James Acaster?

  Wow, Phil Wang's on it.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  The tech, the detective's got a velvet jacket.

• 38:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:27James Acaster?

  But like, yeah, she was, I, I'm, obviously my mum is like, it was so great. It was Phil Wang the whole time. He was so brilliant. She, she said, he was so convincing the whole time. Just so convincing as a snowman, someone just stuck, stuck in a snowman outfit. Obviously, my dad's response is just, I don't think it was him the whole time. I think Phil got someone else to just do all the scenes where he's got the snowman head on.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:47James Acaster?

  And then he probably only did the scene where they took it off. So obviously I had to text Phil and go, my parents are having a debate about this. And Phil was like, it, it was me the whole time. And I was like, well.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 38:59James Acaster?

  You proved my dad wrong, but probably the first time someone's proved my dad wrong and I've lost respect for them.

• 39:06James Acaster?

  I think normally.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:08James Acaster?

  Well done, you beat my dad. But I was like, you're the snowman of the whole day.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  That is weird.

• 39:12Speaker 00

  Why'd you agree to that?

• 39:14James Acaster?

  Why'd you do that?

• 39:14Speaker 00

  What? Crazy.

• 39:16James Acaster?

  Sitting them out.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  You're in Wonka.

• 39:18James Acaster?

  You're in Wonka, man.

• 39:18Speaker 03

  I hope they'd sell a taped an iPad to the snowman's in inner face. So you can at least watch stuff while.

• 39:23Speaker 00

  Hang out and just, yeah.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  My god.

• 39:25James Acaster?

  Yeah, you can FaceTime the group.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:27James Acaster?

  You guys. When are we next getting together, lads? I'm gonna start my own film. Absolutely gasping for some wine.

• 39:33Speaker 03

  Snowman's just muttering about wine.

• 39:34James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 39:37James Acaster?

  Ollie would have given me some wine by now. What did you say, Snowman? Nothing.

• 39:44James Acaster?

  Your dream starter, your menu proper now.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  So choosing stuff like this, it's a, it's a different, it's a difficult choice between my, my, my thing when I go to a restaurant is always never anything I can do myself.

• 39:55James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Otherwise, why am I here?

• 39:57James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 39:58Speaker 03

  And also with something like this in my dream restaurant, it's very tempting to fill the entire thing with like nostalgia choices. So this is my, this is my nostalgia choice is the starter. That's what I'm, I'm spending it on.

• 40:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 40:09Speaker 03

  Nostalgia. When I was a kid, uh, my mom would always make me, uh, uh, and in hindsight, autistically specific type of cheese on toast. So it's like slice of normal bread.

• 40:22James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  Normal cheese. And then as a kid, I'd watched like Conan the Barbarian, the cartoon, not the quite adult film.

• 40:30James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 40:30Speaker 03

  There was a mad cartoon from the eighties that was on TV in South Africa that I was obsessed with. And there was a lot of like grinding of herbs and potions and things. So I was like a potions kid.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  I know exactly what you mean by potions kid. I think we're all potions kids, right? We're probably all potions kids.

• 40:46James Acaster?

  I like potions, sure. I, I tried to make George's marvelous medicine.

• 40:51Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Bingo bango. We got in so much trouble with Alex Rose's mum. We raided her medicine cup, uh, cupboard.

• 40:57James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  God, really?

• 40:58James Acaster?

  I tried to get my dad to drink it. There was bleach in it.

• 41:02James Acaster?

  Bleach in it. Me and my friend, my friend George, that's why we did it.

• 41:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, of course. If your friend's called George.

• 41:08James Acaster?

  A birthday party at his house.

• 41:10Speaker 03

  Farm bleach.

• 41:11James Acaster?

  Yeah. Well, that's one of the things we put in there.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, well.

• 41:13James Acaster?

  I went to my dad, drink that. He, he was like.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  Blue, you made it blue.

• 41:17Speaker 03

  What is in there?

• 41:17Speaker 00

  Blue, yeah.

• 41:18James Acaster?

  Yeah. I'll be like, no, it's fine, dad. Snickering.

• 41:20Speaker 03

  It'll shrink you.

• 41:22James Acaster?

  But it really got to hold off.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:24James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  He tried to kill his dad.

• 41:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 41:26Speaker 03

  I think mine was stuck with mainly like, um, I think it was made pretty clear to me to not, try not to make any medicine from under the sink.

• 41:33James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  But I did waste, I think, a lot of nice bathroom products, creating like mad revolting potions.

• 41:38James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 03

  But the herb aspect, I was very entranced by the, uh, the spice rack. The, the idea of like mystical leaves that you can add to things, change them. I thought that was great. I was so.

• 41:50James Acaster?

  So cooking is like, it's like potions.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 41:52James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 41:53Speaker 03

  Add these herbs.

• 41:54James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 41:55Speaker 03

  Ah, you know, it'll, it'll protect you against the snake king or whatever. Brackets make the stew nicer.

• 42:01James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:02Speaker 03

  Both good. And I was obsessed with, um, I think maybe it was just the one that my mom had the most of. So she was like, whatever. So cheese on toast, normal oregano.

• 42:10James Acaster?

  It's also the one best one for cheese on toast.

• 42:12Speaker 03

  Dried oregano from the, the shaker, shaking it on the magic herbs.

• 42:16James Acaster?

  Just make cheese on toast basically into pizza, essentially.

• 42:19Speaker 03

  Exactly. Yeah, it's like, exactly. It's like ready-made pizza flake.

• 42:22James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  On the, on the nose. And then sliced, um, to discs of like cheap, you know, frankfurters, like cheap.

• 42:32James Acaster?

  Oh, this is a piece.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. And they're like arranged, you know, in like.

• 42:36James Acaster?

  This, this is where the autistically.

• 42:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spot where the autism. It's like a hazard awareness test.

• 42:42James Acaster?

  And they are arranged.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  They are.

• 42:44James Acaster?

  Perfectly symmetrical.

• 42:45Speaker 03

  Yes, in like a chessboard formation.

• 42:48James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:49James Acaster?

  Wow. You're really doubling down on this.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  Loads of tooth picks.

• 42:55Speaker 03

  Eaten on a black tooth.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  And a dot, I would put a dot of ketchup on each.

• 43:01James Acaster?

  Great. So it, so it tastes the same each, each bite.

• 43:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:04James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  It tastes the same in each bite. And you have, each bite has one frankfurter thing in it.

• 43:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 43:09Speaker 03

  So you're like eating it like chocolate in, in squares.

• 43:11James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 43:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:12James Acaster?

  God forbid you accidentally take too big a bite and take half a piece of frankfurter off.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  My god.

• 43:17James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 43:18Speaker 03

  Oh, my god. Yeah.

• 43:19James Acaster?

  All in the bin, on, on top of the stellet.

• 43:21Speaker 03

  Every follow.

• 43:25Speaker 03

  Sorry, mother. No, if that happens, then every subsequent bite has to be like that to balance it out.

• 43:30James Acaster?

  Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah.

• 43:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. And will the maths add up by the end? Or will the final bite be a miserable frankfurterless corner? Only time will tell. So that's, I'm, uh, my mom's name is Claire. I'm gonna call that Clairebit.

• 43:44James Acaster?

  South African Clairebit.

• 43:45Speaker 03

  South African Clairebit.

• 43:49James Acaster?

  Yes, please.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, Clairebit.

• 43:52James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 43:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's good. South African Clairebit.

• 43:55James Acaster?

  South African Clairebit.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  That's my starter. I'm having a, for my starter, I'm trying to turn myself into the Ratatouille food critic.

• 44:01James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 44:02Speaker 03

  I can have my psychic flashback moment.

• 44:04James Acaster?

  It'd be so funny if in the film Ratatouille, it wasn't Ratatouille that did it, but it was South African Clairebit.

• 44:09Speaker 03

  People watching it going, what is that dish?

• 44:12James Acaster?

  Is that from something? But then the film would have to be called it as well. The film would, it would be called South African Clairebit.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  Which doesn't make sense because there's no rat.

• 44:20James Acaster?

  Where's the rat, huh?

• 44:24James Acaster?

  I'm like, bit like, that's gonna bite you, like a bit.

• 44:27Speaker 03

  Clairebit?

• 44:28James Acaster?

  Bit by the rat?

• 44:29Speaker 03

  Bit by the rat?

• 44:29James Acaster?

  Is a rat called Claire?

• 44:31Speaker 03

  What's going on here? I think if you put it in with enough authority, because it's all set in France, people would go, oh, I guess it's some French thing.

• 44:36James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. And then you find out, no, it's the food critic is South African.

• 44:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:40James Acaster?

  Uh, growing up in South Africa, their mum Claire used to cook them. Very specific cheese on toast.

• 44:46Speaker 03

  That can seem to be a lot longer.

• 44:48James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 44:48Speaker 03

  And then the rat somehow knows about this.

• 44:51James Acaster?

  Yeah, the rat found it out. Or the rat had the same upbringing for a rat.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, the rat's psychic or something. You can't control people with their hair like that.

• 45:00James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:01Speaker 03

  I think what's happening is the rats, it's got some weird like avatar thing where he grabs your hand, he's like plugging to your brain.

• 45:06James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:08James Acaster?

  I, like, you know, we've gone on record many times saying how much I love Ratatouille.

• 45:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:13James Acaster?

  Everyone says like, just the perfect film. And it is.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:18James Acaster?

  But you can't control people by pulling their hair.

• 45:20Speaker 03

  No, let's be honest.

• 45:21James Acaster?

  That is the only thing. Well, I've got it's a cartoon, we have to do a leap, and it's a talking rat, and there are loads of talking rats and all of this. And obviously, it's just a laugh.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:30James Acaster?

  But that leap, I'd say is bigger than the rest of the leaps.

• 45:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a huge leap.

• 45:34James Acaster?

  Yeah. Like, you just have to just immediately go, oh, I'm just gonna accept that. But.

• 45:39Speaker 03

  I don't know, man. I'd say talking right is a big leap too.

• 45:42James Acaster?

  Or you're used to that in cartoons.

• 45:43Speaker 03

  That's true. That's got precedent. Yeah, it's got more.

• 45:45James Acaster?

  Yeah. So as soon as you're in a cartoon, you know, I assume the animals can talk.

• 45:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:49James Acaster?

  Yeah. It's scary if they were acting like actual rats.

• 45:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, you'd be more worried by the ones that aren't talking.

• 45:53James Acaster?

  Tugging people's hair and stuff. That's like, then it would be like, I'd be on the side of everyone in that kitchen. Get, get them out.

• 45:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:59James Acaster?

  Get them out of the kitchen. This is awful.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, they can't choose when to go to the toilet. They shouldn't be in a kitchen. That's never addressed.

• 46:05James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy how much like, like the, the head chef is just like, he's the bad guy and he mostly doesn't want a rat in the kitchen.

• 46:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's just completely, completely right.

• 46:16James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 46:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh, he's, yeah, he's 100% right.

• 46:18James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:19Speaker 03

  Especially on one of his chef's heads.

• 46:21James Acaster?

  Yeah. They end up getting him sectioned or something by the end of it. They fully, yeah, they're castlighting to the point where it's just like, he's sectioned.

• 46:29Speaker 03

  It's like when you get older and you watch all those kids films and like the dad is like working too much.

• 46:33James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 46:33Speaker 03

  They've got this huge American house. You're like, kid, do you want to live in that fucking house?

• 46:39Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 46:45James Acaster?

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 46:51Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast. But you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 47:10James Acaster?

  Sure, yeah. I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 47:21Speaker 00

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• 47:43James Acaster?

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the cozy furniture?

• 47:46Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 47:58James Acaster?

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 48:01Speaker 00

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• 48:18James Acaster?

  And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 48:30Speaker 00

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• 48:36James Acaster?

  Visit Cozy today. That's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

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• 51:02Speaker 00

  The Dream Main Course.

• 51:03Speaker 03

  Dream Main Course. So, there's been a lot of steak choices. And is it a coincidence that one of your most prominent autistic guests, Dan Aykroyd, chose basically what I wanted to do?

• 51:17Speaker 03

  When he chose it.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 03

  Big mixed grill, all that?

• 51:20Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:20Speaker 03

  Man, I was annoyed.

• 51:22Speaker 00

  But you can still have that.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you wanna leave your own mark on things.

• 51:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  You wanna be.

• 51:27Speaker 00

  You are very much like Ed.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:29Speaker 00

  This is Ed as well. Why order the same thing that someone else has ordered?

• 51:32Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:33Speaker 03

  Exactly. I try to not do that anymore.

• 51:36Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 51:37Speaker 03

  Because now that's become a thing that people think I do.

• 51:39Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 51:40Speaker 03

  So I have to give myself a talking to before I go and eat with people, that if it happens, it's fine. Because people will be like, oh, well, no, I won't order that because you're ordering that and I know you don't like that. So now I have to be like, no, I'm fine with it, actually. I'm all right.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:53Speaker 03

  Actually, I think it's brilliant.

• 51:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:54Speaker 03

  But I don't know why you would.

• 51:58Speaker 03

  Why you'd wanna do that. It's resenting having to be on brand.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:02Speaker 00

  That's what it is.

• 52:02Speaker 03

  It's like, fine, you can do it. Just let you know, I think you're mad. When they say that to you, oh, you don't like it if I do that, just, just, just slam the menu down and say, I'm not a cartoon character. Get really angry.

• 52:15Speaker 00

  I'm a gambler, my own man.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  I'm a real person.

• 52:18Speaker 00

  I'm a lovely boy.

• 52:19Speaker 03

  I'm not the same every day.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  The character in South African Claire bit.

• 52:25Speaker 03

  So you want the, the big, a big mixed grill? Main course is a bria platter. So bria is a South African barbecue.

• 52:31Speaker 00

  Ah.

• 52:32Speaker 03

  B R double A I. And I would like a kind of general sort of sharing platter of all the things that you would get on a bria. So, sausatis are basically, it's, it's, it's like a, a kebab, like skewer.

• 52:46Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 52:48Speaker 03

  I honestly thought it was gonna be sausages and I was gonna, you'd be making it up.

• 52:51Speaker 00

  Oh, sausages are coming. Sausatis.

• 52:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:56Speaker 03

  Sorry, it's pronounced sausages, Pierre.

• 52:58Speaker 00

  That would be funny.

• 53:00Speaker 03

  It's very dry mouth.

• 53:02Speaker 00

  We thought you were saying. We thought you were saying loads of South African words and actually, you just have never learned how to say these English words. Yeah.

• 53:12Speaker 03

  It's because they're very salty.

• 53:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  I like these sausages.

• 53:18Speaker 03

  How are the sausages?

• 53:19Speaker 00

  Can I have a plate, can I have a plate of sausages?

• 53:23Speaker 00

  This is his favorite.

• 53:24Speaker 03

  I'm just.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  This is his favorite sauce.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  Claire bit as well.

• 53:28Speaker 00

  It's a word that is immediately funny to say in a stupid voice. And I could do that all day. Yeah, yeah. He loves it. And I've heard him do that voice before.

• 53:38Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really timid.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  It's his favorite, favorite.

• 53:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're gonna have to move on, otherwise we'll get stuck on this. You know, when you have like chicken satay?

• 53:53Speaker 00

  Oh, satay is funny in that voice as well, but yeah, carry on, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:58Speaker 03

  Little, little dehydrated mouth.

• 54:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:01Speaker 03

  Satay is the same word in sausati, because the, the, South African food's got a lot of like chutney and sweet and sour and spice and things.

• 54:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:08Speaker 03

  A lot that's from Malaysia.

• 54:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  And Indonesia, because the Dutch trade routes. So sausatis are, that's the Afrikaans word for sauce and then satay. Same, same thing.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:17Speaker 03

  So you get a skewer and it will be like marinated, it's generally mutton. But it could be anything, whatever.

• 54:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  And you're marinated in like fried chilies and garlic and tamarind. There's a lot of tamarind happening.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:29Speaker 03

  You put it on the skewer with dried apricots, red onions, peppers, and then you barbecue that.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  Amazing.

• 54:36Speaker 03

  So you just have a bunch of sausatis of whatever meat. Let's say locked in lamb.

• 54:40Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 54:41Speaker 03

  Let's, let's bring it back.

• 54:42Speaker 00

  Love it.

• 54:42Speaker 03

  Fusion.

• 54:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is your, your two, your two sides.

• 54:45Speaker 03

  Fusion dish.

• 54:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, nice.

• 54:48Speaker 03

  Restaurant shuts down after two days.

• 54:50Speaker 00

  If you were like on one of those cooking competition shows.

• 54:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:53Speaker 00

  That would be something that you would do and then we'd go, oh, and speak about, because this is very personal to you, isn't it, Pierre?

• 54:59Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 55:00Speaker 00

  So you'd be able to speak about those. Is this fusion both my cultures?

• 55:02Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, oh, exactly. I would do my long nostalgic thing to try and put some emotional resonance inside some, some food.

• 55:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:09Speaker 03

  And then it would cut to.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  Well, it would, you'd fail miserably because you'd start it by saying, ah, is this my time to put some emotional resonance into the food?

• 55:15Speaker 03

  Yes, and then it's, well, we'll cut that. And we'll get you to say a bunch of stuff and then we'll cut back to a reaction shot clearly filmed on a different day.

• 55:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, and also a picture of you when you were a kid that we slowly zoom in on.

• 55:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, like.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  But too slowly.

• 55:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 55:30Speaker 03

  Sausatis. Bura vors. And now, now that is.

• 55:35Speaker 00

  That is a sausage.

• 55:35Speaker 03

  Now we are talking about it.

• 55:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:38Speaker 03

  So bura vors is like, um, uh, sort of, it's the closest thing, it's like a Cumberland sausage. It's in a big spiral. So you get a big spiral of it, but it's mainly beef, but you can mix in, people mix in a certain amount of pork or lamb as well, sometimes both. And I knew a guy who would make his own and he would mix in pork fat because it would liquefy. Whereas lamb and beef fat, sometimes it stays, you know, in those chunks, which are fine.

• 56:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:03Speaker 03

  Fine. But he would mix in fat that he knew would liquefy and spread throughout the whole.

• 56:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:08Speaker 03

  Spiral.

• 56:08Speaker 00

  Because when you cut into a bura vors, it's like, you want a bit of a.

• 56:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:12Speaker 00

  Bit of an explosion, right?

• 56:13Speaker 03

  You don't wanna ever prick it or pop it or anything till it's, till it's ready to eat. And I, I would break my heart as a kid watching people like, oh, these sausages are nearly done. I'll just pop them so all the juice leaves. Lovely evaporated juice. Enjoy your dry cylinder. I would hate that. Break my heart. Um, and I've tried, I, I can never remember all the things that are in it.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:35Speaker 03

  That breaks my heart.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  That broke my heart.

• 56:38Speaker 03

  That sausati broke my heart.

• 56:41Speaker 03

  Bura vors has in it coriander, cloves, nutmeg, allspice, dark vinegar or red wine vinegar. All mixed in. Those are the ingredients. So there's a slight vinegary aspect to it.

• 56:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:52Speaker 03

  Quite, there's a bit more spice in it than you would think.

• 56:54Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 56:54Speaker 03

  Spice brackets, exotic as opposed to spice brackets hot. But you know, there's chili versions, garlic versions that are. Bura vors definitely, all done on, on coals.

• 57:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:04Speaker 03

  Ideally. You want that real carcinogenic flavor to it.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:07Speaker 03

  Real singed.

• 57:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 03

  Like, this is bad for me. It's like I'm smoking while I'm eating.

• 57:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:13Speaker 03

  That's what I want.

• 57:15Speaker 00

  That's a true compliment to me, isn't it?

• 57:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:17Speaker 00

  Feel like I'm having a fag.

• 57:20Speaker 03

  Let me stub out this sausage. Like a big cigar. Absolutely. So sausatis, bura vors, lamb chops. Which here are expensive.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:29Speaker 03

  But in South Africa, which is, you just chops on the bria would be like the easy, cheap thing.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, we'll have a kuru lamb. That would be nice. Lamb chops with a lemon juice on. Try and cut through that fat. Because I mean, they are, they are fatty. Um, I once went to a bria where they had, separate to all the beef and lamb, just two whole chickens.

• 57:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 57:47Speaker 03

  One that had been marinated in a kind of, uh, quite quickly, because otherwise the lemon juice cooks the chicken. You get like chicken, uh. What's the thing with, uh, fish, what's in it?

• 57:58Speaker 00

  Chicken ceviche.

• 57:59Speaker 03

  You get chicken ceviche. Which is gonna be on your death certificate.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:04Speaker 03

  Cause of death, shat himself to death, brackets chicken ceviche. No way.

• 58:08Speaker 00

  Ate some chicken ceviche and then went spelunking.

• 58:12Speaker 00

  He was upside down in a cave, firing liquid shit out of himself.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  Himself.

• 58:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  Drowned in his own shit.

• 58:20Speaker 03

  That must be a lesson to you. Kids, with a TikTok trend for spelunking and chicken ceviche. That would have been, that had been marinated, I think the longest you can really do is like an hour or two before it starts to get out of hand. So like, like, like thyme and, and rosemary and lemon. And the other one had been marinated all night in peri peri. Because of course Nando's is South African.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 58:42Speaker 03

  Everyone thinks it's Portuguese.

• 58:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:44Speaker 03

  It's just a weird business with an aesthetic that confuses people. That's all. But in South Africa, it's much more like McDonald's. Like you'd go like Nando's, like drive through. You wouldn't sit in and do the whole thing.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  Really?

• 58:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:57Speaker 00

  Nando's drive through.

• 58:58Speaker 03

  Yes, please.

• 58:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. Because it's Nando's, is there a separate window on the drive through for cutlery and stuff?

• 59:06Speaker 00

  Keep asking if you've driven here before.

• 59:08James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. Get on to the next one. Do you want olives?

• 59:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, all the different sauces.

• 59:14James Acaster?

  Yeah. Everyone though.

• 59:16Speaker 00

  Or you've got to go through like a car wash thing and just hold the food up to.

• 59:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:20Speaker 00

  Squirt the sauce out.

• 59:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Yes. So you've got to have peri peri, I think, the bry. It's a national.

• 59:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:25Speaker 03

  Obsession. None of those. It's got to be on there. So wide range of meat. Am I missing anything else out? Can I have like the the bry, the other things that come with the bry that aren't the meat?

• 59:34James Acaster?

  Let's have them.

• 59:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, so like pop, I think Jojo had pop, his choice where it's like mealy mealy flour kind of. It's it's like mashed potato, but like from corn cornmeal flour.

• 59:43James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 59:44Speaker 03

  So that's good. And like a very basic, you can add chili if you want, but like just tomatoes and red onion salsa.

• 59:50James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  That kind of thing. You've had shakalaka?

• 59:53James Acaster?

  Yes, you've had shakalaka.

• 59:54Speaker 03

  I made some shakalaka and I ate it.

• 59:56James Acaster?

  Good.

• 59:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was lovely.

• 59:57James Acaster?

  What is shakalaka?

• 59:59Speaker 03

  Sort of beans in a in a kind of thick tomato and ginger and chili sauce.

• 1:00:04Speaker 00

  It's really nice.

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  You can make it sweet by adding like apple chutney and stuff. Mrs. Balls Chutney. That's the national brand. Just a very funny name.

• 1:00:10James Acaster?

  Yeah. Mrs.

• 1:00:12Speaker 03

  Mrs. Balls.

• 1:00:13James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

  Mrs. Balls Chutney.

• 1:00:14James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  Going on about Balls Chutney.

• 1:00:16James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  It's also my drag name.

• 1:00:19James Acaster?

  Mrs. Balls Chutney.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. Mrs. But just Mrs. Balls.

• 1:00:22Speaker 03

  Mrs. Balls.

• 1:00:23James Acaster?

  Yeah, I do Balls Chutney like a like a hyphen, like a double.

• 1:00:26Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I mean, that's.

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  Mrs. Balls Chutney. That's really a better drag name.

• 1:00:30Speaker 03

  That's someone.

• 1:00:30Speaker 00

  I was thinking Mrs. Balls and then I wouldn't have to tuck properly. I could just, my thing could be my balls are always hanging out.

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36James Acaster?

  You're not getting booked very much.

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  And you'd have to be dressed like Mrs. Balls is on the label and.

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:41Speaker 03

  Early nineteen hundreds.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  I'd be huge in Johannesburg. Like I could just go over there and do all the drag clubs in Johannesburg. It gets nothing in the UK.

• 1:00:49Speaker 03

  Every now and then someone goes, oh, I've seen that. Yeah, there's that shop in Paddington Station.

• 1:00:57Speaker 03

  Oh, right. I guess you look like a lady.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Weird things.

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  Balls Chutney is a posh surname.

• 1:01:03James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:04Speaker 00

  Balls Chutney.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  Someone who's at the coronation.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:06James Acaster?

  And no one makes fun of them in those circles.

• 1:01:09Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:01:09Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 1:01:09James Acaster?

  They don't see why that would be funny.

• 1:01:12Speaker 03

  If you pointed out it was funny, they'd be they'd they'd take a second and go, oh, yeah, I suppose.

• 1:01:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:18James Acaster?

  Probably not really the sort of things to bring up at an event like this.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  You need to either be really polite or incredibly rude.

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:26Speaker 03

  It was the rules in that kind of event.

• 1:01:28James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:29Speaker 03

  Astoundingly self confidently rude.

• 1:01:31James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:31Speaker 03

  Or like insanely jeeves perfect polite.

• 1:01:35James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  Anything in between is not interesting.

• 1:01:37James Acaster?

  It's like you don't know what you're doing.

• 1:01:39Speaker 03

  They want one or the other.

• 1:01:39James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:40James Acaster?

  You know, nothing funny about Balls Chutney. I don't, excuse me, Lord Cunningham, do you think there's anything funny about Balls Chutney?

• 1:01:49James Acaster?

  Great. I love the bry. I love the sound of all of this.

• 1:01:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:53James Acaster?

  Uh, you can absolutely have all of it.

• 1:01:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:55James Acaster?

  There are little extras there. Are they your dream sides or do you want that as part of your main?

• 1:01:59Speaker 03

  Part of the main, yeah. And this sort of as part of a kind of sharing platter aspect of it and and the and the and, you know, generic barbecue sides all around the world. Potato salad, coleslaw.

• 1:02:08James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 1:02:08Speaker 03

  Um, no salad.

• 1:02:11James Acaster?

  Because it is such a big.

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  I'm not doing that.

• 1:02:14James Acaster?

  All of that.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  There's apricots on the society.

• 1:02:16Speaker 00

  Why are we protecting?

• 1:02:17James Acaster?

  Yeah, you got you got your five a day with the apricots. Who, who do you want at the bry? Because like, I think.

• 1:02:24Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:02:25James Acaster?

  An event like that, I'm absolutely going to let you have all that different food, but I think I need to know that there were more people there.

• 1:02:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think.

• 1:02:33James Acaster?

  Because you got a, it's it's a social event.

• 1:02:35Speaker 03

  Yes, I think that's right.

• 1:02:37Speaker 00

  I think eating that amount of meat, for me personally, if I was alone, I'd feel awful about it.

• 1:02:43Speaker 03

  What if you had a next to you, a little hobbit singing a sad song? Like Denethor.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:50Speaker 03

  Noisily eating the tomatoes and everything.

• 1:02:53Speaker 00

  Feel better about that, I guess.

• 1:02:56Speaker 00

  But I think if I'm eating more than two meats, I need other people there.

• 1:02:59Speaker 03

  Yes, that's a good rule.

• 1:03:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:01Speaker 03

  That's a good rule. And but fries are social, you know. I had a teacher on the island of Man who was South African. At the end of term, he would do like a big barbecue thing. But I mean, he really, he got an oil drum, an old oil drum. He cut it in half, just with like a table saw. And he'd fill it with coals and he'd like built himself from like bits of metal, a spit.

• 1:03:22Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:03:22Speaker 03

  And he'd buy a whole lamb and cook it on an oil drum with like a really long handle that he like made.

• 1:03:27James Acaster?

  During this, did he get fired as a teacher?

• 1:03:30Speaker 03

  Promotion after promotion.

• 1:03:33James Acaster?

  Stop doing this in lessons.

• 1:03:34Speaker 03

  You can get crackling of a lamb.

• 1:03:36James Acaster?

  Oh.

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  And it's just, it's so salty and fatty and and like it comes off in like little panels. Oh, it's good.

• 1:03:43James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, if I could have something sprinkled on the bry platter, it would be that lamb crackling from that powdered lamb crackling. In shards, but it's not tough. It's like to get through like pork.

• 1:03:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54James Acaster?

  There's a twist on the on the on the guests.

• 1:03:55Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:03:56James Acaster?

  You're allowed free guests.

• 1:03:57Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:03:57James Acaster?

  And they all have to be called Bry.

• 1:03:59Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:04:00Speaker 00

  So short for Brian.

• 1:04:02Speaker 03

  Brian's. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

• 1:04:03James Acaster?

  Or Briany.

• 1:04:04Speaker 03

  So Brian, I think Brian May is a vegetarian, so he's he doesn't want to come.

• 1:04:07James Acaster?

  Like.

• 1:04:10Speaker 03

  He's like playing the whole time.

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:12Speaker 03

  I once, I was once walking through Gravesend in Kent on the, did a gig there and I was walking back to the train station. And I heard someone like doing sick, like wow, like Jimi Hendrix stuff.

• 1:04:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:23Speaker 03

  And I was like, is someone like practicing with their window open or something? But it's winter. So I thought, what is that fucking? And I looked around and I was walking past a restaurant where there was just a guy in the corner just wailing, wow. It's like the in restaurant music.

• 1:04:38Speaker 00

  That's funny.

• 1:04:39Speaker 03

  But he was doing like full on, like the guitar's about to burst into flame.

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  Solos, seventies stuff.

• 1:04:45Speaker 00

  People are just like.

• 1:04:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. No one even fucking looking at it. People just hunched over lasagnas.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  Just people just slowly ignoring this incredible riff master.

• 1:04:58James Acaster?

  I just remembered, on my birthday, my friend Graham had texted me and and he said that he'd been listening to The Police again.

• 1:05:08Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:05:09James Acaster?

  About The Police. And he was like, oh, what kind of stuff you've been listening to? He said, just keep listening to Every Breath You Take all the time. And I was like, okay. And then I went out, I went out that night.

• 1:05:19Speaker 03

  My luck.

• 1:05:20James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:22James Acaster?

  I went straight into a, you know, a bar that night and there was a guy in the corner playing Every Breath You Take, which I'd never heard of someone do that musician. So then I filmed it, sent it to Graham going, what a coincidence. I've just realised now, I've not got a reply to that.

• 1:05:38James Acaster?

  That was, that was weeks ago. That was like over a week ago.

• 1:05:42Speaker 00

  So you very dutifully replied to him saying, I'm listening to Every Breath You Take a lot.

• 1:05:46James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  And you'd be like, as a friend, because really he's like, all right.

• 1:05:49Speaker 03

  I'm doing your favourite thing.

• 1:05:50Speaker 00

  Responded. You've found a video of it and he's obviously gone, all right.

• 1:05:54James Acaster?

  Who cares?

• 1:05:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, who cares about that?

• 1:05:56Speaker 03

  You've got to give that at least a that's mad.

• 1:05:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've got to give it a that's mad or like a little shocked emoji or something.

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  Graham.

• 1:06:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:03Speaker 03

  You can't.

• 1:06:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 03

  Blank it's even worse than thumbs upping and.

• 1:06:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. I've got, I've moved on to Fields of Gold now.

• 1:06:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:11James Acaster?

  The solo stuff.

• 1:06:13Speaker 03

  I'm trying to think of famous Brian's. Still on the Brian.

• 1:06:16Speaker 00

  Brian Blessed.

• 1:06:17Speaker 03

  Brian Blessed.

• 1:06:19James Acaster?

  He would love a bry.

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian's bry.

• 1:06:21James Acaster?

  Feel over that.

• 1:06:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:23James Acaster?

  You'd be ripping apart those turkeys.

• 1:06:27James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:31Speaker 00

  Did I ever tell you about the time I shot myself on Everest?

• 1:06:34Speaker 03

  Yes, Brian.

• 1:06:36Speaker 00

  Say it again.

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  When you arrived, but we loved the story.

• 1:06:39Speaker 00

  Tell me if it tastes like Yeti or not.

• 1:06:41James Acaster?

  Yeah, definitely. Definitely. He's there blessed.

• 1:06:43Speaker 00

  Brian Blessed is there.

• 1:06:44Speaker 03

  Is Brian May there wailing on guitar?

• 1:06:47Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 1:06:47James Acaster?

  He'd be playing in the corner like that guy was a bad job. Yeah.

• 1:06:50Speaker 03

  He can eat what?

• 1:06:52Speaker 00

  He can have salsa.

• 1:06:53Speaker 03

  I'm just assuming, yeah, he can have the salsa.

• 1:06:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:55Speaker 03

  Eat around the lamb on the society.

• 1:06:57Speaker 00

  He can shakalaka.

• 1:06:58Speaker 03

  He can have the shakalaka. That's true.

• 1:06:59James Acaster?

  The shakalaka and he can play big shakalaka on the guitar.

• 1:07:01Speaker 03

  Yes, he can.

• 1:07:02James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:03Speaker 03

  I don't know if he's a vegetarian.

• 1:07:04James Acaster?

  A shakalaka.

• 1:07:05Speaker 03

  But he loves badgers so much.

• 1:07:06Speaker 00

  I think he's he's either veggie or vegan, I think.

• 1:07:08Speaker 03

  He's got to be.

• 1:07:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:08Speaker 03

  No one loves badgers that much and still eats meat.

• 1:07:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's my view.

• 1:07:12Speaker 00

  I fucking hate badgers.

• 1:07:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:14Speaker 00

  One of the only animal that is a cunt, I think.

• 1:07:17James Acaster?

  Comes across bad in Wind of the Willows.

• 1:07:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:20Speaker 03

  Standoffish.

• 1:07:21Speaker 00

  And so it gets worse in real life. They're not even dressed.

• 1:07:23James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:26Speaker 03

  Have some fucking respect.

• 1:07:28James Acaster?

  One chased me down the street once.

• 1:07:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're aggressive, mate.

• 1:07:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:32James Acaster?

  God, I can't see Ben Eaux's body cam. I've got to assume he's laughing at that. Chase you down the street.

• 1:07:37Speaker 00

  No, he already put his head in his hands because I called the badger a cunt.

• 1:07:40Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, but justifiable. He chased you.

• 1:07:44Speaker 00

  Horrible. His little clock on the pavement. Yeah, we like had a showdown. I was walking back to my mum's house late at night. This is like suburban London. And it was just in front of me on the pavement. I was like, well, I'll keep walking because it will run off because it's an animal.

• 1:07:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:59Speaker 00

  And then it was like, no, and came at me.

• 1:08:01Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:08:02Speaker 00

  Nails on the pavement.

• 1:08:03James Acaster?

  I can't believe this.

• 1:08:04Speaker 03

  Claws.

• 1:08:04James Acaster?

  People, people wait outside badger sets for hours trying to catch a glimpse of a badger. You get, you run away from it.

• 1:08:12Speaker 03

  Across the road, yeah.

• 1:08:13James Acaster?

  If my mum was out walking in a badger.

• 1:08:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, she'd have her fucking face ripped off.

• 1:08:17James Acaster?

  Towards her. She would love it.

• 1:08:20Speaker 00

  No, she wouldn't. If the badger ran at her like that, it was scary, man.

• 1:08:23James Acaster?

  She would stand there and be like, I can't believe I'm getting to see a badger. This is great.

• 1:08:27Speaker 03

  First person killed in a horror film about a badger. What if, what if in that show?

• 1:08:32James Acaster?

  Hello, badger. How are you?

• 1:08:34Speaker 03

  What if in that show of trust and faith, the badger's like sprinting up to your mum? And then it's just like that stupid video where the lion recognizes the guy and just hugging.

• 1:08:42James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. Straight into a hug.

• 1:08:44James Acaster?

  Yeah, you didn't consider that, Ed.

• 1:08:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:08:46James Acaster?

  I didn't quite like the badger recognizing mum.

• 1:08:48Speaker 03

  I don't know your mum's history with badgers, whether she used, she brought up a baby badger? And now it's in the wild.

• 1:08:54James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:54Speaker 03

  I wouldn't put it past her either.

• 1:08:55James Acaster?

  I wouldn't put it past her.

• 1:08:56Speaker 03

  She's a lovely woman.

• 1:08:57James Acaster?

  If you're listening, mum, tweet the podcast with the answer to the question.

• 1:09:02Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 1:09:02James Acaster?

  And it'll send you a sign chopping board.

• 1:09:03Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:09:04James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:04Speaker 03

  And we'll get a badger to scratch their signature in it.

• 1:09:06James Acaster?

  Yeah, a badger will sign it.

• 1:09:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:08Speaker 03

  We'll discover that Ed missed out on the chance of having a badger going, Edward, how are you?

• 1:09:12James Acaster?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:09:13Speaker 03

  How are you, boy?

• 1:09:14James Acaster?

  Little Narnia badger. Little Narnia badger, just trying to get you to pick up arms and join the fight against the queen.

• 1:09:21Speaker 03

  Honestly, if I went through to Narnia and I didn't know Narnia was a thing.

• 1:09:23James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:24Speaker 03

  And that badger came up to me, or who else was with his beavers and stuff?

• 1:09:28James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:28Speaker 03

  I'd batter them. I'd be like kicking their heads off.

• 1:09:30James Acaster?

  Don't Mr. Johnson to death.

• 1:09:33Speaker 03

  Just immediately they think, shut that cupboard.

• 1:09:35James Acaster?

  Yeah. They're really awful book. Awful book if it was Ed. Who went there?

• 1:09:42Speaker 03

  Well, there was an Ed who went there and he wasn't great.

• 1:09:44James Acaster?

  Yeah, he was easily swayed by the queen, which he would have straight away.

• 1:09:47Speaker 03

  I would be swayed so quickly, so hot.

• 1:09:49James Acaster?

  Turkish delight.

• 1:09:50Speaker 03

  Hot goth lady giving me Turkish delight.

• 1:09:51James Acaster?

  Oh, I'm on a dream.

• 1:09:52Speaker 03

  Taking you to a palace.

• 1:09:53James Acaster?

  Absolutely a dream.

• 1:09:54Speaker 03

  Hello, hello, fit goth lady. Yes, yes, I'll get in your sledge.

• 1:09:57James Acaster?

  No one has ever called the queen in Narnia fit. No one has ever talked about.

• 1:10:01Speaker 03

  Are you kidding me?

• 1:10:02James Acaster?

  No one has ever talked about her in this way. I've never heard this.

• 1:10:04Speaker 03

  I'm gonna, I'm so fair. I'm gonna turn you down and live in a tunnel with some rats. And eat whatever they dig up from the frozen earth.

• 1:10:11James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:12Speaker 03

  No, it's a bad sell.

• 1:10:13James Acaster?

  We need one more bribe before we can move on.

• 1:10:15Speaker 03

  Bryan Adams.

• 1:10:17James Acaster?

  Of course.

• 1:10:17Speaker 03

  Yeah. Are there any other famous Bryans that I'm forgetting? I've heard of Brian Cox. Don't know anything about football.

• 1:10:23James Acaster?

  Brian Cox.

• 1:10:24Speaker 03

  Brian Cox.

• 1:10:25James Acaster?

  Brian Cox, of course.

• 1:10:26Speaker 03

  Two, you got both, you got two Brian Cox's. Of course. Have them both there.

• 1:10:31James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:31Speaker 03

  And then the succession one can have a shout off with Brian Blessed.

• 1:10:35James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:36Speaker 03

  He can do the sausage. When I bring out, when I bring out the Bure of Horse, he can shout sausages like he does in succession and everyone will go, ah, I saw you in there.

• 1:10:43James Acaster?

  It's quite a loud party really, isn't it? You got.

• 1:10:47James Acaster?

  Oh, sausages! And then fuck off.

• 1:10:51Speaker 03

  It's, it's, it's the, the bellowing Brian's bribe.

• 1:10:54James Acaster?

  Yeah. That's exactly what it is.

• 1:10:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:59Speaker 06

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• 1:12:09James Acaster?

  The dream side dish.

• 1:12:10Speaker 03

  So I'm missing out a lot of stuff that I like in this because it's a tough choice.

• 1:12:15James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 1:12:16Speaker 03

  I'm missing out how much I love Szechuan things.

• 1:12:18James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 1:12:19Speaker 03

  Tian, Tian impression next to Arsenal Stadium.

• 1:12:22James Acaster?

  I've never been, but I've heard wonderful things.

• 1:12:24Speaker 03

  It's just so good. Smack cucumber.

• 1:12:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:26Speaker 03

  I like, I've learned so much about Chinese food genuinely through just going for dinner with Phil over and over again in my life. Chicken's feet, you know? I mean, they're fine.

• 1:12:36James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:37Speaker 03

  It's basically just chicken crackling on a creepy stick.

• 1:12:39James Acaster?

  Yeah, I think the only reason to eat chicken's feet is if you're with someone who would never eat chicken's feet and you show off to them.

• 1:12:44Speaker 03

  Yes, that's true. Yeah, to sort of win them over to.

• 1:12:47James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:48Speaker 03

  Like, like the kind of food equivalent of that thing where you scare kids by pulling your thumb off.

• 1:12:51James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:52Speaker 03

  Whoa, I'm willing to do this.

• 1:12:54James Acaster?

  I got your nose, got your nose.

• 1:12:55Speaker 03

  Crazy, yeah. Got your chicken's feet. There used to be a place when me and Phil were at uni together and it did, it was the first time I had salt and pepper chicken. And like little, you know, battered chicken kind of lumps.

• 1:13:09James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:09Speaker 03

  Nuggets.

• 1:13:10James Acaster?

  Yep.

• 1:13:10Speaker 03

  And, you know, tossed in chili and, and, and spring onions and garlic and all that. And it was so good. And I want that, but with Szechuan chili.

• 1:13:19James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:20Speaker 03

  I want it to go a bit numb.

• 1:13:21James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:22Speaker 03

  Because I can't not put fried chicken somewhere in this.

• 1:13:24James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:24Speaker 03

  It's just the best one.

• 1:13:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:26Speaker 03

  It's the best kind of chicken.

• 1:13:27James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:28Speaker 03

  That there is. And as much as, you know, I am hitting some of my, my, my tastes for, for, for more like flavors from like Southeast Asia or whatever with the Sashatis a little bit. And Mrs. Ball's chutney is around. Sure, why not? Mrs. Ball is there, looking over the garden fence, offering chutney from a mad fruit tree.

• 1:13:49Speaker 03

  I need to, yeah, I want the Szechuan chili, yeah, salt and pepper chicken.

• 1:13:52James Acaster?

  Beautiful. Yeah, I mean, I, I had some Szechuan fried chicken recently.

• 1:13:57Speaker 03

  Oh, man.

• 1:13:58James Acaster?

  And it was like a massive drumstick as well. Where I was just like, how is this a chicken? But like.

• 1:14:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:02James Acaster?

  So good. Like, I wish, I wish it had been a whole.

• 1:14:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, when you, when you're eating something and you're like, this is too big to be on the animal that I think it's from.

• 1:14:10James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:11Speaker 03

  You're just like, you've got to ignore the backstory and just eat it, right?

• 1:14:13James Acaster?

  Not interested.

• 1:14:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:14:14James Acaster?

  Just you're too late. It's too late. You're, you're really hungry. You just want to eat it.

• 1:14:18Speaker 03

  I don't know. I don't want to know what lab this is coming from. Well done, whoever invented this.

• 1:14:23James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:23Speaker 03

  Yeah. Fine, fine, fine.

• 1:14:25James Acaster?

  So we talked about going to like Disney World before and get the turkey leg.

• 1:14:28Speaker 03

  The turkey leg.

• 1:14:29James Acaster?

  It's like, I don't know. I think this might be a dog.

• 1:14:32Speaker 03

  It's, and it would be not be a small dog, from what I've seen in the pictures. It's not a handbag dog, is it?

• 1:14:39James Acaster?

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:14:40Speaker 03

  A handbag dog would be like one of those things you have to eat with the bones, like a sardine or. Just eat the whole. Just crunch it all down.

• 1:14:47James Acaster?

  Just crunch it all down. It's nice. The eyes get crispy.

• 1:14:51James Acaster?

  Well, as a kid in school, there was like this story, I mean, this kid coming in and saying that, um, somebody knows had a little chihuahua and, and, and a cat. And that they came down one morning and the cat was just sitting there. There's just a tail popping out of its mouth because it had eaten the chihuahua. And I believed that for so long. I was like.

• 1:15:14Speaker 03

  And didn't slap it like spaghetti, did it?

• 1:15:15James Acaster?

  Yeah, like it was just there. It was just the tail, just, just hanging out its mouth like that.

• 1:15:21Speaker 03

  I don't know where he is.

• 1:15:24James Acaster?

  I still think about it every time I see one of those little dogs.

• 1:15:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:27James Acaster?

  And I think, how did I fall for that?

• 1:15:28Speaker 03

  Well, now I'm going to think about it every time I see one of those dogs. A cat swallowing a whole chihuahua.

• 1:15:32James Acaster?

  Eating the chihuahua like that.

• 1:15:36James Acaster?

  And I think the story was like, yeah, they had like loads of like yapping from the kitchen and it got more and more intense. They went down to see what had happened.

• 1:15:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, and then the yapping became muffled.

• 1:15:44James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:44Speaker 03

  From inside the cat, the burping cat.

• 1:15:47James Acaster?

  Yeah, the, the chihuahua was like, I guess if the tail's there, the chihuahua was like head first upside down, like it's gone caving.

• 1:15:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:15:54James Acaster?

  Yeah. Like, like they're just down the gullet, like that, just trapped.

• 1:15:58Speaker 03

  And it's thinking, oh, if I just made one, one decision differently. Wish I hadn't done all that yapping.

• 1:16:04James Acaster?

  Just not yap.

• 1:16:05Speaker 03

  Wish I hadn't dived directly into this cat's mouth. I hadn't spelunked into this cat.

• 1:16:11Speaker 03

  Also, it was still, it's quite close to the, it's not a long enough dog for the tail to.

• 1:16:15James Acaster?

  I don't think it's troupe here.

• 1:16:17Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah, that was the point.

• 1:16:19James Acaster?

  That's my. I was lied to by a kid at school. I believed all the lies.

• 1:16:23Speaker 03

  Deceived, did you?

• 1:16:24James Acaster?

  Yeah. I got some, uh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bubble bath and, uh, I, I ran my mouth off about it before, before I'd actually used it. You know, at school, just like I got, got this bubble bath, can't wait to use it at home. So called turtles. And this kid went, I got, I got a bubble bath. Uh, I used it once and, um, the bubbles, when they come up, rise up in the bath, that bubbles rise up in the shape of the turtles. And I was like.

• 1:16:48Speaker 03

  Like something out of Fantasia.

• 1:16:50James Acaster?

  I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, just out of the bubbles.

• 1:16:52Speaker 03

  What do you mean? Hang on.

• 1:16:54James Acaster?

  What? What? What are we talking about? Like, it was, it was like, it's like they're full bodies. He said, they, they come up.

• 1:17:01Speaker 03

  Such a stupid lie.

• 1:17:02James Acaster?

  He said they've all got their weapons, so you can tell, you can tell which one it is.

• 1:17:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, otherwise you wouldn't know.

• 1:17:07James Acaster?

  Yeah, you can tell which one it is. And he was saying, he's saying the poses, like Raphael's got the football, like cross the, the two footballs. And I was like, what the, so.

• 1:17:14Speaker 03

  And you were, you were slamming it up against the wall by his lapels. What do you mean?

• 1:17:17James Acaster?

  I'm like, I can't believe this.

• 1:17:19Speaker 03

  You like, you were going, miss, I feel sick. I need to go home early because you're so desperate to have a bath. Just rolling in mud in break time.

• 1:17:27James Acaster?

  I remember, I remember being in the bath and putting the, and just like, I wanted to be in there as it happened. I didn't want to just be seeing it come out outside the bath.

• 1:17:34Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 1:17:35James Acaster?

  I'm sitting in there in the warm.

• 1:17:37Speaker 03

  You'll be amongst it. So you're like one of the turtles. Yeah.

• 1:17:39James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:39Speaker 03

  You're pouring that with a shaking hand as well. Oh, shit.

• 1:17:44James Acaster?

  I'm splinter.

• 1:17:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:45James Acaster?

  I'm hanging out with these guys.

• 1:17:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:47James Acaster?

  The bubbles just come up, obviously, normal.

• 1:17:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:17:50James Acaster?

  Maybe there was a point where I tried to convince myself I was a bit like Donatello, but like.

• 1:17:53Speaker 03

  At the top of his head, at the top of a turtle's head, he's coming, he's crowning.

• 1:17:57James Acaster?

  Bunch of fucking bubbles.

• 1:18:00James Acaster?

  Never seen someone look so miserable in a bubble bath.

• 1:18:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:02James Acaster?

  Just, just sitting there, little kid, absolutely gutted.

• 1:18:05Speaker 03

  So much less than you were promised.

• 1:18:07James Acaster?

  Yeah. I remember going into school the next day, for some reason, and this, I mean, pretty on brand for me, uh, running across the playground, fell over.

• 1:18:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:18:17James Acaster?

  As, as on.

• 1:18:18Speaker 03

  Only time beneath us laughed all episode.

• 1:18:20James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, loved it. As I'm face down in the playground, that same kid runs up to me.

• 1:18:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:27James Acaster?

  And he kind of like jumped on my back and goes, oh, you all right? You all right, mate? And I went, I'm not your mate.

• 1:18:32James Acaster?

  And I don't remember the rest of the conversation.

• 1:18:34Speaker 03

  Did you must have laid it out to him while you weren't there?

• 1:18:36James Acaster?

  I must have gone, you fucking kidding me?

• 1:18:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:38James Acaster?

  I sat in that bath and you know what I'm about to say? Don't even act like you don't.

• 1:18:43Speaker 03

  My fingertips are still wrinkled.

• 1:18:44James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no turtles. They come up in the shape of the turtles.

• 1:18:48Speaker 03

  He would, yeah, but he definitely would.

• 1:18:49James Acaster?

  He claimed you for a mug.

• 1:18:50Speaker 03

  If you're lying about that, he's then just going to go like, oh, it's a different type or something.

• 1:18:53James Acaster?

  Yeah, mum and paid for the special one.

• 1:18:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, mine's, mine's from America.

• 1:18:57James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:58Speaker 03

  The circle bubbles you saw were the turtles in their shells.

• 1:19:00James Acaster?

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yours.

• 1:19:01Speaker 03

  They were shy.

• 1:19:02James Acaster?

  They were still in their shells.

• 1:19:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:03James Acaster?

  They were still in their shells. And that's, that's what your, your parents only bought the shell once.

• 1:19:07Speaker 03

  Kids double down on those kind of lies.

• 1:19:09James Acaster?

  Yeah, he would have doubled down, stupid kid. If you're listening, you know you are.

• 1:19:13Speaker 03

  Now, I don't often say this out loud on the podcast, but how did we get here?

• 1:19:19James Acaster?

  Ah.

• 1:19:20Speaker 03

  Oh, chicken.

• 1:19:22James Acaster?

  Chicken.

• 1:19:22Speaker 03

  Fried chicken.

• 1:19:23James Acaster?

  Fried chicken.

• 1:19:24Speaker 03

  Dog leg.

• 1:19:25James Acaster?

  Dog leg.

• 1:19:26Speaker 03

  Lies at school.

• 1:19:27James Acaster?

  Yes.

• 1:19:27Speaker 03

  Turtles bubble bath.

• 1:19:28James Acaster?

  Yes, we got it. The anatomy.

• 1:19:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:19:31James Acaster?

  The anatomy is there.

• 1:19:32Speaker 03

  All laid out. Easy.

• 1:19:33James Acaster?

  Right.

• 1:19:38Speaker 00

  Your dream drink, Pierre.

• 1:19:40Speaker 03

  It's difficult with a dream drink because if it's a wine, then it's only one wine. And there's a lot of different courses here. And you know, me and Ed are in a spooky little wine club. So there's a lot of options. There's a lot of wrongs and rights.

• 1:19:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:19:56Speaker 03

  I, what I do, I don't know if you do this, Ed, but what I try and do is I try and guess from my, like, the things I half remember that Ollie and Freddie have said about wine.

• 1:20:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:05Speaker 03

  But they always say it when we're drinking wine, so it doesn't show.

• 1:20:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, nothing ever stays. No, absolutely not.

• 1:20:10Speaker 03

  It's like a magic room.

• 1:20:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:12Speaker 03

  Where if you go in the room, you know everything. The second you leave, the second you leave, you forget.

• 1:20:16Speaker 00

  Oh, is that a film?

• 1:20:17Speaker 03

  Should, should.

• 1:20:18Speaker 00

  Copyright that.

• 1:20:19Speaker 03

  Okay, that's mine.

• 1:20:20Speaker 00

  I absolutely love that.

• 1:20:23Speaker 00

  Also, I find, and this is not just with wine, but with. Severance is severance. With Ed.

• 1:20:28Speaker 03

  Getting battered. I'm always hungover. Oh, you get, you're allowed to drink at work.

• 1:20:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:33Speaker 03

  Fuck's sake.

• 1:20:34Speaker 00

  Any information now that is presented to me, not just with wine, when someone starts telling me something that I know they know about and I'd like to remember, my brain goes, no.

• 1:20:43Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:20:46Speaker 00

  No room.

• 1:20:47Speaker 03

  Your, your brain is like a bodyguard leaping in the way of the information.

• 1:20:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:51Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:20:52Speaker 00

  No room, overcapacity.

• 1:20:56Speaker 00

  So I'll just, if you're telling me anything, like, you know, you, you have lots of great facts, Pierre, you'd like to talk about.

• 1:21:01Speaker 03

  Bracket autism.

• 1:21:02Speaker 00

  But genuinely interesting things. And I'm just, I, I will just do this.

• 1:21:08Speaker 03

  You're enjoying it like food. It's there, but then it's, it's gone. It's.

• 1:21:12Speaker 00

  That's all that's happening in my head.

• 1:21:13Speaker 03

  It's, you're like in Saving Private Ryan.

• 1:21:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:21:16Speaker 03

  After the big explosion.

• 1:21:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:21:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, yeah. In your head, the little numbskulls, like in the comic book, they're just weighing a box labeled like new fact on the box labeled like WWF.

• 1:21:28Speaker 00

  Oh, if you tell me something that happened in the nineties.

• 1:21:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:31Speaker 00

  I will remember that because I already knew that once.

• 1:21:33Speaker 03

  Yes, that's, that's known as the Widdicom phenomenon.

• 1:21:37Speaker 03

  Anything from the nineties.

• 1:21:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:21:38Speaker 03

  It's just like a fucking.

• 1:21:39Speaker 00

  I can now, the only, the only thing I can take in now is things I knew in the past and I'm now being reminded of.

• 1:21:46Speaker 03

  Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eternal sunshine of the wrestling mind.

• 1:21:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm basically blowing the dust of old memories.

• 1:21:53Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

• 1:21:54Speaker 00

  And go, oh, yeah, that, ah, like an archaeologist. Look, I once knew this man, the undertaker.

• 1:22:03Speaker 00

  He's, there's no dust on that guy. He's, he's forefront every day I wake up.

• 1:22:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:22:07Speaker 00

  Just in case he's about to pop up.

• 1:22:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:09Speaker 00

  It's all Ed's thinking about. Scared of the undertaker again.

• 1:22:13Speaker 03

  I, I, what I like to do is I think, what wine would work with this? And I try and see if I can get it right in my head and then I'll look it up. And I'm sometime, I'm like, you know, there's broad brush rules that you can just learn and they're not that hard.

• 1:22:25Speaker 00

  Yes, this is the way Pierre approaches wine.

• 1:22:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:22:28Speaker 00

  Like an exam.

• 1:22:28Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:22:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:22:29Speaker 03

  Fun quiz.

• 1:22:30Speaker 00

  The thing with taste is, you know, who are we to say what you can smell or taste in something?

• 1:22:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:22:36Speaker 00

  But what Pierre will do is he'll go, I'm getting a bit of vanilla. There's quite a lot of oak on that. There's berries, sort of red fruits.

• 1:22:45Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 1:22:46Speaker 00

  Uh, black pepper and they'll put the glass down. They'll look at Freddie and Ollie and go, was I right?

• 1:22:49Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah. I miss exams so much.

• 1:22:53Speaker 00

  We don't know if you're right.

• 1:22:55Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 1:22:55Speaker 00

  Because it's about the personal experience, right?

• 1:22:57Speaker 03

  They know that.

• 1:22:59Speaker 00

  Oh, so there's no definitive answer there. I thought that was.

• 1:23:03Speaker 03

  Well, there is. If you look it up, those flavour profiles will be listed.

• 1:23:06Speaker 00

  Sort of broadly agree, like no one's throwing avocado in there as a note.

• 1:23:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:23:10Speaker 00

  Well, I get this.

• 1:23:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:23:11Speaker 00

  But I can be convinced. So if someone said, I'm getting rosemary, I'll go, yeah, me too, no.

• 1:23:17Speaker 03

  Yeah. But I did do a wine tasting thing. A friend of mine got married in, in Bordeaux. And you want to make it more of a trip, right? Because you're like, well, we're gonna go, go there. So we may as well do something touristy stuff around it. And we went to like a wine tasting thing and the guy said avocado as an example, because he said, do you all think I'm just tricking you? And half the people were like, yeah.

• 1:23:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23:37Speaker 03

  Oh, weird, random, not relevant. This whole time I'm sat next to a guy who's like a fucking clone of Napoleon.

• 1:23:45Speaker 03

  I can't, I cannot, he even has like.

• 1:23:47Speaker 00

  Let's call him the Clonian, please. Otherwise it's gonna drive me insane.

• 1:23:51Speaker 03

  He's German though, so what's that about?

• 1:23:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23:53Speaker 03

  Because I'm sat right next to the Clonian.

• 1:23:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23:55Speaker 03

  Who must be very popular when he visits France. Maybe that's why he always goes on holiday to France.

• 1:23:59Speaker 00

  It's so funny. You so rarely see people who look like.

• 1:24:02Speaker 03

  Someone from that long ago. But I mean, like.

• 1:24:04Speaker 00

  You know what I mean?

• 1:24:05Speaker 03

  You know the Napoleon thing where, I mean, I say that, you know, the Napoleon thing. This is my struggle with doing stand up.

• 1:24:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:10Speaker 03

  You go, well, cut, cut it, cutting that bit.

• 1:24:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:13Speaker 03

  It's like slightly balding, but with like the long black bit, like just swept across a little bit, like in every painting of him. Like I had that.

• 1:24:18Speaker 00

  The problem, couldn't stop looking at it.

• 1:24:20Speaker 03

  The problem for me is if you say that guy looks like Napoleon.

• 1:24:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:23Speaker 03

  The guy I'm imagining is the guy who played Napoleon in Bill and Ted.

• 1:24:29Speaker 00

  I was thinking about Napoleon Dynamite.

• 1:24:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:24:32Speaker 03

  There's a lot more guys who look like that, to be fair.

• 1:24:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:35Speaker 03

  So the guy said like, oh, do you all think we're making it up? And I say gooseberries and you can just taste gooseberries. And all of us, Napoleon, we all agreed.

• 1:24:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:42Speaker 03

  That we thought, yeah, we, we do kind of think that. And he went, okay, well, take a sip, let's try something. Take a sip, took a sip. And the guy went avocado. And we all went, yeah, no.

• 1:24:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:51Speaker 03

  Can't get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, see, I can't, I can't really trick you. I can't really trick you. It's not, it is in there like a chemical level. So it's not like a.

• 1:24:59Speaker 00

  But then he did it wrong.

• 1:25:01Speaker 03

  Who did?

• 1:25:01Speaker 00

  That guy, he did the trick wrong.

• 1:25:03Speaker 03

  He did the trick right. He should have said something that wasn't there.

• 1:25:05Speaker 00

  No, he should have said, um, and you get quite a lot of avocado on the nose here.

• 1:25:10Speaker 03

  Uh, but we, but no, but then it's.

• 1:25:12Speaker 00

  You know, you're gonna be tricked. You set up the trick too much.

• 1:25:14Speaker 03

  That changes the test to who here is willing to be rude to a man? Go, no, I'm not.

• 1:25:19Speaker 00

  That's part of it. It's like, it's like hypnotism.

• 1:25:22Speaker 03

  Maybe, maybe. I have faith in it. That's why I see Freddie and Ollie like wizards.

• 1:25:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, I do, I do have faith in it because you can agree on various things. But it's funny that you're like, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, would I win the wine?

• 1:25:33Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, max, A star wine. I, I got very into it because when we all met Freddie for the first time, Freddie was a fan of, of this podcast and, and Bud Pod, which I did with Phil, now I do with Glen Moore. And he wrote into us and it was right at the end of lockdown and he was gonna, he'd take us to like a wine tasting thing he organised. And I'd lost my sense of taste and smell from COVID for like two months. And then it was wonky for like another nine months. Things tasted like petrol, things tasted like burnt plastic cigarettes. Like, it was horrible. And it was starting to come back. And so the wine tasting had a double. Thing for me, because I was like, if I can get these notes right, then my smell and taste is coming back broadly in line. Yeah.

• 1:26:15Speaker 03

  What things should taste like. Whereas if I start saying weird stuff, I know it's still not fixed.

• 1:26:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:26:20Speaker 03

  Well, yeah. So I was very relieved to get it right.

• 1:26:21Speaker 00

  Well, petrol is a good night for riesling.

• 1:26:23Speaker 03

  Oh. See, this is what we do and then we forget.

• 1:26:28Speaker 00

  So he just has to get his catchphrase in every episode. Every single episode.

• 1:26:32Speaker 03

  How many of those t-shirts do you guys sell?

• 1:26:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. For riesling.

• 1:26:36Speaker 03

  So it's difficult to choose the wine because I've got like, okay, uh, what can stand up to, you know, all this like spicy meat and things.

• 1:26:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:26:44Speaker 03

  Um, and still work with the dessert or whatever else, because it's got to be the one wine. But then I don't know if you always want one to stand up and be as like overpowering as the mid flavour. Sometimes maybe you want on the left hand side of the ring, a boxer, and on the right hand side, a lovely, uh, vicar.

• 1:27:00Speaker 03

  Who give you a little, a warm hat, a hug.

• 1:27:02Speaker 00

  Refreshing vicar.

• 1:27:03Speaker 03

  A nice, refreshing ice cold vicar.

• 1:27:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:27:04Speaker 03

  Sure. I'd ra, I'd rather have no wine than just one wine.

• 1:27:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:27:09Speaker 03

  That's my caveat.

• 1:27:10Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:27:11Speaker 03

  So I'm just gonna go, uh, ice cold Diet Coke.

• 1:27:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:27:15Speaker 03

  I love Diet Coke so much.

• 1:27:16Speaker 00

  Yes. I don't know, like for a spanner in the works, but like, we have allowed people to.

• 1:27:21Speaker 03

  Oh, you?

• 1:27:22Speaker 00

  Have more than one drink throughout the meal.

• 1:27:23Speaker 03

  It's a pretty big spanner when there's seven minutes left on the camera.

• 1:27:26Speaker 00

  Ooh. But it is, it's absolutely panicking.

• 1:27:29Speaker 03

  He's panicking. Okay.

• 1:27:30Speaker 00

  I mean.

• 1:27:31Speaker 03

  Seven minutes left to go.

• 1:27:32Speaker 00

  What I'm gonna offer you, two options.

• 1:27:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:27:34Speaker 00

  You can have the ice cold Diet Coke.

• 1:27:35Speaker 03

  Lovely.

• 1:27:36Speaker 00

  Or.

• 1:27:36Speaker 03

  What a vicar.

• 1:27:37Speaker 00

  Ollie and Freddie could do a wine pairing for you for the whole meal and it would just be whatever they pair for you.

• 1:27:42Speaker 03

  Oh, well, then it's obviously, there's gotta be Ollie and Freddie. Yeah. I'd love to know what they paired with, with, with South African claret bed. I think, um, it'll be some kind of South African pinotage with the bry stuff.

• 1:27:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:27:51Speaker 03

  Something heavy and red. And then with my dessert, I'm gonna guess that they would suggest a.

• 1:27:57Speaker 00

  We don't want to.

• 1:27:58Speaker 03

  Champagne or a light white wine.

• 1:28:02Speaker 00

  And I'm gonna guess that off of that, your dessert is a vanilla cheesecake.

• 1:28:06Speaker 03

  You're close.

• 1:28:07Speaker 00

  I'm not.

• 1:28:08Speaker 03

  Quand-.

• 1:28:10Speaker 00

  Chips.

• 1:28:12Speaker 03

  Barrel of chips.

• 1:28:15Speaker 03

  Chip Obara.

• 1:28:17James Acaster?

  So what is it? What is your dream dessert?

• 1:28:19Speaker 03

  My dream dessert is a slice of the coconut cream cake from Champers in Barbados.

• 1:28:28James Acaster?

  Hello.

• 1:28:29Speaker 03

  And I'm not a dessert man.

• 1:28:31James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:32Speaker 03

  Not a sweet sky, really. I always thought till I had that cake, I would be coming on here talking about cheese boards.

• 1:28:40James Acaster?

  Well, I'm so lucky you went to Barbados.

• 1:28:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I know. I've always, in my mind's eye, I could just see your rage building.

• 1:28:47James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:28:48Speaker 03

  And me and Ed chuckling about Stilton.

• 1:28:51James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:28:52Speaker 03

  When the first holiday I went on with my partner, we went to Barbados and we went to this place. And I skeptically ordered it and it's it's a kind of coconut cake, but everything is made of coconut, like the flour is coconut flour. And the cream in it is coconut cream. And then there's coconut shavings and there's coconut. It's very dense.

• 1:29:09James Acaster?

  The plate is made of coconut.

• 1:29:11Speaker 03

  The plate's a big coconut.

• 1:29:12James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:29:13Speaker 03

  You push the waiter, they tumble to the ground.

• 1:29:16James Acaster?

  Coconut, man.

• 1:29:18Speaker 03

  I look across at my partner, coconut.

• 1:29:20James Acaster?

  It's a nightmare.

• 1:29:21Speaker 03

  It's like from the mighty bush and they're all made of coconut. That's what it was like, but it's still delicious.

• 1:29:25James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:25Speaker 03

  And the slice they give you, oh, it was like from a fucking Pixar cartoon.

• 1:29:30James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:30Speaker 03

  Big, huge doorstopper slice, no messing around, huge. And it was just one of the best things I've ever had. It was one of those things where while you're eating it, you're just going, I can't believe this.

• 1:29:40James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:41Speaker 03

  And there's even more. Another spoon? Why, yes. It was, it was like being in a kind of, yeah, it was a food critic moment, but for food I'd never had.

• 1:29:50James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:29:51James Acaster?

  I've had those like, those coconut cream like cakes that are so good, but they are always pretty small.

• 1:29:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:29:59James Acaster?

  And over pretty quickly and like, cause they're so easy to eat.

• 1:30:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:30:02James Acaster?

  So definitely you want it to be cartoonishly big.

• 1:30:06Speaker 03

  It was almost like it was verging on a quarter of a cake. Like it was so big.

• 1:30:10James Acaster?

  Great.

• 1:30:11Speaker 03

  And it was moist all the way through.

• 1:30:13James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:13Speaker 03

  Cause I don't know, coconut oil maybe keeps it that way, but there was no dryness. It wasn't getting all crummy. Towards like the edge of it where you go, oh, I see why you've covered this in icing. It's trying to cover up how fucking dry it is towards the end.

• 1:30:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:26Speaker 03

  Cake promises so much and it so rarely fully delivers in my view. And this was just stunning. I think about it all the time. It tasted more coconut than coconut.

• 1:30:36James Acaster?

  Oh, is it like a toasted kind of quality to it as well or just creamy?

• 1:30:41Speaker 03

  Toasted coconut shavings, I think in the icing around the outside of it. Yeah, I think so from memory, yeah. But the icing was coconut as well. Oh, man.

• 1:30:50James Acaster?

  Yeah, that sounds good.

• 1:30:51Speaker 03

  Perfect slice of cake.

• 1:30:52James Acaster?

  And it's just on its own. So you don't need anything with it?

• 1:30:54Speaker 03

  Just on its own. And it's still got away with being that heavy and on like a obviously hot, hot, hot day.

• 1:31:02James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:02Speaker 03

  Still fine. Still refreshing, still great.

• 1:31:04James Acaster?

  Plop straight into the sea.

• 1:31:06Speaker 03

  Plop into the sea.

• 1:31:06James Acaster?

  Yep.

• 1:31:07Speaker 03

  And get carried away.

• 1:31:08James Acaster?

  Yeah. My mum's, my mum's finally got into coconut.

• 1:31:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:31:12James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, finally. Yeah, it's taken a whole life. Cause it doesn't, doesn't like, never liked coconut. But every year in the hamper that I give my parents for Christmas, I've always chucked some chocolate covered macaroons in there. So I think they're great. I think my, I guess my dad will just eat those ones, but whatever.

• 1:31:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:31:30James Acaster?

  Little did I know, my mum's been trying to train herself each year to be able to eat the macaroons.

• 1:31:35Speaker 03

  Coconut challenge.

• 1:31:36James Acaster?

  Cause they look good. And she finally takes me this year going, I did it. I ate the whole macaroon and it was delicious. She was delicious. I like it now.

• 1:31:44Speaker 03

  Well, I was a really picky eater as a kid, so I vouch for that. You can train yourself.

• 1:31:49James Acaster?

  Yeah, if you want it enough.

• 1:31:50Speaker 03

  I love that you chuck in like, just basically like distraction macaroons for your dad.

• 1:31:54James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:31:54James Acaster?

  Cause, cause the Florentines.

• 1:31:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:31:58James Acaster?

  My mum's got to have all of them. And I know that's not going to happen unless there's some distraction macarons. I've got to throw some stuff in there that is just for my dad.

• 1:32:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On top as well.

• 1:32:07James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:07Speaker 03

  So he opens up, he sees them, he's like, ah.

• 1:32:09James Acaster?

  I've got to have some like really sour fizzy sweets.

• 1:32:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:32:12James Acaster?

  And then, and then he'll be eating those. And my mum's just got to hoof as many Florentines down her mouth as she can at that time.

• 1:32:19Speaker 03

  That's perfect.

• 1:32:19James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:20Speaker 03

  I was really picky eater. I couldn't eat stuff if it touched other stuff.

• 1:32:23James Acaster?

  Right, yes.

• 1:32:23Speaker 03

  If it touched it.

• 1:32:24James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:24Speaker 03

  It was, I was, yeah, I was really harsh on that. And yeah, you can, just through exposure therapy.

• 1:32:29James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:29Speaker 03

  You get over it. Yeah.

• 1:32:31James Acaster?

  It's a lovely way to end.

• 1:32:32Speaker 03

  Yeah. Good luck out there, picky eaters.

• 1:32:34James Acaster?

  And for the listeners, cause to get Pierre over that, we're all touching right now.

• 1:32:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:32:40James Acaster?

  All touching each other. Pierre, I've now got a read, speed read your menu in, I guess a minute, but like, someone's trying to face time you, Ben. You want, you want slightly defizzed sparkling water, a warm bread basket woven by Andrew Lloyd Webber with olive man creamery's butter. You want South African claret bit. You would like a bright platter. You would like Szechuan chili salt and pepper chicken. You want Ollie and Freddie's wine pairing for the meal and you want a slice of coconut cream cake from Champers?

• 1:33:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:33:09James Acaster?

  In Barbados.

• 1:33:11Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:33:11James Acaster?

  Beautiful.

• 1:33:12Speaker 03

  Thanks, Pierre.

• 1:33:13James Acaster?

  Thanks, guys.

• 1:33:14Speaker 03

  Thanks, Pierre.

• 1:33:21Speaker 03

  Well, there we are. Fantastic episode with the main man, Pierre Novelli.

• 1:33:24James Acaster?

  Thank you, my main man, Pierre Novelli. Thank you for not saying blackcurrant lemsip, of course.

• 1:33:29Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:33:30James Acaster?

  You can see Pierre Novelli performing Okay, One More Than Bedtime.

• 1:33:34Speaker 03

  Touring that show, Okay, One More Than Bedtime. Pierre has two brilliant podcasts you need to check out, Bud Pod and Button Boys.

• 1:33:41James Acaster?

  Yes, and a fantastic book, Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things?, which is a comedian's guide to autism.

• 1:33:47Speaker 03

  I'm on tour. Fresh Hell starts in January 2027. Come and see me, edgamble.co.uk. I'm enjoying putting the show together. I think it's going to be funny.

• 1:33:56James Acaster?

  And I will be going to see the show Fresh Hell by Ed Gamble.

• 1:33:59Speaker 03

  Look out for James.

• 1:34:00James Acaster?

  Yeah, look out for me.

• 1:34:02Speaker 03

  Thank you. Bye.

• 1:34:03James Acaster?

  Bye.