Would You Actually Be Able To Change? | On Handling Haters

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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Ryan Holiday?

  Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast. Each day, we bring you a meditation inspired by the ancient Stoics, illustrated with stories from history, current events, and literature to help you be better at what you do. And at the beginning of the week, we try to do a deeper dive, setting a kind of Stoic intention for the week, something to meditate on, something to think on, something to leave you with, to journal about, whatever it is you happen to be doing. So let's get into it.

• 0:43Ryan Holiday?

  What would you actually be able to change?

• 0:49Ryan Holiday?

  We all think it would change everything. You're informed suddenly that an asteroid is hurtling towards Earth and could destroy the planet. You're given a year to get your affairs in order and report to prison. A doctor gives you a short time to live. Nuclear war breaks out, and we know for certain that the end is here. Those minutes would be so precious to us. We'd focus. We'd get over our fears. We'd make a change. We'd finally be able to, as Marcus advises in meditations, to live and act like a dying person. Or would we? Might we instead go right back to our phones, bury our heads in the digital stand, and pretend it's all a bad dream, or that someone will figure it out before it's too

• 1:32Ryan Holiday?

  late? It's a cliche in sports and in the military to point out that people don't rise to the occasion. No, they fall to the level of their training. So what makes you think that you'd be able to magically get it together just because death was now real and imminent? You've been a dying person this whole time, since birth. What makes you think you'd suddenly shake off your stupor and get serious? Did the pandemic do that for you? The Stoics knew that habits die hard, even in the face of death. They knew that progress was impossible without training. Just as you can't expect to run a marathon if you have not run a mile, you can't just trust that you'll get serious when things get serious. You have to practice

• 2:13Ryan Holiday?

  that now. You have to flex those muscles, build that strength, develop that capacity now. Amento. Mori.

• 2:23Ryan Holiday?

  That's my memento mori coin. I think about it all the time. I'm playing with it on my desk right now. It's something I carry always. It's probably the thing I get asked about the most when I get bumped in, when I bump into people in public. It's just been a game changer for me. I have a bunch of different memento mori reminders, of course, but if you want to get this one, which we make here in the US in a mint in Minnesota, that's been in business since 1882, you can check it out in the Daily Stoic store, or if you're in Bastrop, you can stop by my bookstore here, The Painted Porch on Main Street, where we sell them as well. It's a game changer. Check it out.

• 3:01Ryan Holiday?

  On handling haters.

• 3:06Ryan Holiday?

  The Stoics taught that kindness trumps hate. They believed that those who engage in hate are prisoners to a destructive passion, one that hurts the practitioner, not the intended target. There's no reason to hate a hater. They are already suffering enough. In fact, when we see them this way, it makes it easier to be kind, good natured, genuine, and useful. Remember that line in the Bible about how loving your enemies is like pouring hot coals on them because it's so unexpected? Well, what can surprise you that way? Whose enmity can you meet with kindness and compassion? And how much better do you feel when you've done so? You know, this is something I've struggled with a bit recently, just having

• 3:50Ryan Holiday?

  watched my stuff on social media get attacked by a brigand of sort of crazy anti-vaxxers and COVID deniers and weird trolls. And, you know, sometimes I have fun with it. Sometimes I like to stir it up a bit. I try not to get angry about it. It's not something that makes me angry, but, but it is, there is a part of it that makes me really sad, really frustrated, because it's not that I can't take it, I can take it. But what I understand is how these ideas are rippling through and influencing other people, making them fall prey to misinformation or participate in antisocial behavior. But I do try to remember this idea that hurt people hurt people. And

• 4:35Ryan Holiday?

  That is a great expression. I found it to be very true in my life. But I thought I would give you that thought as we get into today's quotes. The first is from Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11:3. "What if someone despises me?" He says, "Let them see to it. But I will see to it that I won't be found doing or saying anything contemptible. What if someone hates me? Let them see to that. But I will see to it that I'm kind and good natured to it all, and be prepared to show even the hater where they went wrong. Not in a critical way, or to show off my patience, but genuinely and usefully." So when I respond, I try to have fun with it. And if it doesn't always come off as I'm having fun, I assure you, I am having fun.

• 5:19Ryan Holiday?

  Because I think that's, you know, the Stoics talk about you're gonna laugh or you're gonna cry. I think if you can't have fun with it, if you can't troll the trolls back, then in a sense, they are winning. But let's go to Meditations 11:18. "Kindness is invincible, but only when it's sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what even can the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness? And if given the chance, you gently try to point out where they went wrong, right as they were trying to harm you." This is the hard part. And I talked about this with Brad Stone in his book about Jeff Bezos. You know, Jeff Bezos heard very early on from his grandfather that it's easier to be clever than kind. And I would say this totally drives with my experience. It's easy to have a witty comeback.

• 6:03Ryan Holiday?

  It's easy to be sarcastic. It's easy to dunk on someone, to point out the obvious and ridiculous flaws or contradictions in their argument, or even to focus on the horrific implications of what they're saying and point out the costs of their behavior. But kindness is almost certainly what is going to convince someone, right? Patience is what it's gonna take to convince them. And when you attack, you're almost certainly making them dig in more. And I have to remind myself of this. And then finally, we have Epictetuses in Coridion 20. Keep in mind that it isn't the one who has it in for you and takes a swipe that harms you, but rather the harm comes from your own belief about the abuse. So when someone arouses your anger, note that it's really your own opinion that's fueling it.

• 6:48Ryan Holiday?

  Instead, make it your first response not to be carried away by such impressions, for with time and distance, self mastery is more easily achieved. And that's something you learn when you put out stuff into the world. I talked about this with Malcolm Gladwell on the podcast. The people who dislike what you do are almost always louder than the people who are like, "Oh, it's pretty good. I liked it." Right? Most of the things you like, you just sort of nod your head and move on. But it's the things you really hate, that's what seems to get us riled up. And that's what we seem to talk about most, we complain about most. So anyone that puts anything out in the world has to understand how to handle haters, not to be triggered by them, not to be distracted by them, not to be made bitter by them, not to be made worse by them. I hope you're not a hater.

• 7:33Ryan Holiday?

  I hope you can find some more courage in your life. Talk soon.

• 7:43Ryan Holiday?

  Being able to control your anger is a difficult but worthwhile goal. It will take time and effort, it won't be free. But by changing your perspective and developing techniques to control your temper, it will ultimately be achievable and life-changing. So take the first step on the path to a calmer and more fulfilling future. Check out Taming Your Temper: The 10-Day Stoic Guide to Controlling Your Anger. You can just go to dailystoic.com/anger.