My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose husband has become racist and misogynistic A dad wanting to develop a relationship with the daughter he gave up 30 years ago A man wondering if he should move in with his future in-laws Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥Reconnect every day. Download the Together App. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  He'll make racial remarks and misogynistic remarks towards me, other women.

• 0:11Dr. John Delony?

  You're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-Semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and the other women? To get him to go to counseling?

• 0:30Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John. Glad that you're here. I'm a husband and a dad. And a guy's been sitting with hurting people for over two decades here in Nashville, Tennessee. Taking calls, your calls, from all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be with us, go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form and we'll see if we can get you on the show. Let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Kristen. Hey Kristen, what's up lady?

• 1:02Speaker 00

  Hey John, how are you?

• 1:03Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, how are you?

• 1:05Speaker 00

  You know, hanging by a thread.

• 1:07Dr. John Delony?

  Oh God, well, I'm glad that you called.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, all good. Yeah, so I called, I would just appreciate some maybe guidance or advice on how to ask my husband to go back to couples counseling with me after he made it clear he will not do it again.

• 1:26Dr. John Delony?

  Well, so you probably can't because he seems pretty clear. Why do you want him to go to counseling again?

• 1:34Speaker 00

  I just, I just see a big change in him and I just don't see how we can move forward in our marriage if we don't talk to somebody about it.

• 1:50Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on?

• 1:52Speaker 00

  I've noticed like in the past few years, maybe year and a half or so, just like he's changed a lot as far as like he'll make like racial remarks and like misogynistic remarks towards like me, other women, like anti-Semitic remarks towards me, it's in front of our kids.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  And I just

• 2:16Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have Jewish heritage?

• 2:17Speaker 00

  I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, say that again?

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have Jewish heritage?

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Um, I, I have ancestry in it, but it's not, I, it's not like I grew up in the faith or anything.

• 2:29Dr. John Delony?

  So, you're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-Semitic,

• 2:44Dr. John Delony?

  who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women, to get him to go to counseling?

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:54Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think counseling is his problem. His problem is he sucks.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. And it's just like, it wasn't like this. Um, he's always been a colorful guy, but like, it's never been like, like this. And I just, um...

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  What happens when you say, okay, because, because, let's be honest. There was a season when, um,

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  even whispering a funny joke, or an unfunny joke, or an off-color joke,

• 3:27Dr. John Delony?

  would get you to where you couldn't have a job anywhere, right? There was the cancellation years, we call them. Um, and in some places they're still in effect, but other places, whatever. And then we've had the last few years, what they're like, everything's back on the table again, right? And here's, here's the thing. There is a, I, I live in comedy clubs, right? So I've seen a resurgence in more, what I would call off-color, or like, oh my gosh, can't believe you said that comedy. But at least where I am, it's all part of, it's in good nature and good fun. You get what I'm saying?

• 4:05Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:07Dr. John Delony?

  Like, there's, there's high fives all around in the green room, is what I would say. Right? And any jokes are not at people, they are with people. Okay? And I hope what I'm saying makes sense.

• 4:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:21Dr. John Delony?

  But then there's been a rise in, or it feels like an unleashing in, oh, now that we can not lose our job, I'm gonna tell you what I really think. And it's not a joke, it's not being silly, it's not being funny, it's not pointing out um, things it is. I feel powerful again. I'm gonna hurt people with my words, make myself feel bigger.

• 4:45Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so you say like your husband's always been a colorful guy. I've always been a colorful guy.

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:53Dr. John Delony?

  And in my university work over 20 years, I spent a lot of time advocating for groups out on the margin. That's just what I, that was part of my job. That was an important part of my job. And spending time with those people, we would make horrific jokes if told outside of that room, right? And but there's a, I would consider myself a colorful guy. But there's also a time and a place and a context, right?

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so I don't think you'd be calling if your husband was making inappropriate, yet kind of funny jokes. It sounds like you're, what you're commenting on is the spirit of your husband has changed.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, it, it used to be where it was like funny and good natured, and now it just feels like, like much darker.

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  And it just, it bothers me. And if I tell him it bothers me, he just goes off on like how I'm sensitive and everybody is so sensitive now and you can't say anything. And it's like, I just, I'm walking on eggshells all the time.

• 5:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but this is happening not just with jokes and not just with suddenly this newfound racist person in your house. What's deeper happening?

• 5:59Speaker 00

  I'm not, I'm really not sure. And I, I feel like I can't ask him.

• 6:07Dr. John Delony?

  Where, where else is this research, where else is this surfacing? Is it surfacing in how he talks to your kids and treats your kids? Is it surfacing in the bedroom and what he expects of you? Where is this surfacing? Is he controlling the money now? Like where is this else?

• 6:20Speaker 00

  No, no, no, there's, there's no like controlling of the money. It's like, I, it's almost like, like he'll try to have a conversation with me or like he's just very, um, I guess politically minded. He likes to talk about it and like that's just not me. And so he'll try to like draw it out of me and he gets angry. It's like, or irritated. It's like I, I don't kind of go along with it or, or have this conversation with him. And that's where a lot of it will be, or it'll just be kind of like random.

• 6:59Dr. John Delony?

  Let's take joke sensitivity off the table because that's so unsubjective. I mean, so subjective. Let's pretend you had really sensitive skin. And he bought you a, I don't know, like a wool jacket. And it rubbed your forearms in a way that just caused like, it made them raw. Okay? And if you said, hey, I love this jacket. I love that you bought this for me. But my skin is really sensitive and it's making my arms like bleed, making them itch. Would he tell you, you just gotta toughen up and get tougher skin?

• 7:43Speaker 00

  No.

• 7:44Dr. John Delony?

  Or would he say, oh, man, I tried. Yeah, you can't wear that jacket.

• 7:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, he would say that he tried and I don't have to wear it.

• 7:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. When it comes to what hurts my feelings or what is offensive to me or what, forget offense, what I'm not interested in hearing. If somebody has the courage to say, hey, I don't think that's funny. Or I don't think that's accurate. Or that's not a conversation I want to engage in. And somebody's response is, oh, you're just too. Then what they're trying to get from that conversation is a sense of power over. And that's not marriage. Marriage is being whiffed, not over. Do you feel confident that you've been clear about, hey,

• 8:35Dr. John Delony?

  I've seen a shift in you and I don't think these things are funny. And it's not because I'm extra sensitive. It's not because I'm, or maybe I am extra sensitive. Who cares? I get to be that. But I don't want these jokes in my house. I don't want these jokes around me. And I don't want this kind of language and talk and mean spirit around my kids.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  I guess I haven't been super clear about it. I just like, it just, it feels like when I try to tell him I don't like it, like it just like spirals into an argument.

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:10Speaker 00

  And I just, I was hoping like if we went back to therapy, there'd be like a third person there that would maybe prevent that.

• 9:17Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's, he's already said, I'm not doing that again.

• 9:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's less about this thing. Most of the time, here's what happens. He drops some inappropriate or rude or mean spirited thing out on the table. And in some level, it's to get a rise out of the room, right? He gets the rise and the rise he gets is your pushback. Well, he thinks he's right. And so now we're in a fight. So the best time to have this conversation is not after he just said something super offensive.

• 9:51Dr. John Delony?

  The best time is to say, hey, I want to go have breakfast on Saturday morning. We need to talk about something that's kind of heavy.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:01Dr. John Delony?

  And you lay it out. I'm uncomfortable with this. I don't think this is funny. I think this is belittling and mean. These aren't jokes with the community. These are jokes against people and I just don't want to have that. And I especially don't want it around my kids. Call me sensitive, fine. You can call me whatever you want. But if you are choosing to be in a relationship with me, what I'm asking you for is to stop doing this. But I actually think for you, the conversation's deeper. It is you looking at your husband and saying, I'm watching your spirit change.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. I used to really like him and I used to like being around him and now I just can't.

• 10:42Dr. John Delony?

  That's the conversation. That's the conversation.

• 10:49Dr. John Delony?

  And can I, uh, she'd be okay with me saying this. Can I tell you, um, I became a, in 2010-ish, I became a nutritional religion zealot. I became a lunatic about nutrition stuff. By the way, I have no training in nutrition. I've got no degrees in nutrition. This cool new thing called a podcast came out and I thought I was the smartest guy who ever lived. And I took over parties, I lectured friends. I turned every conversation in every room I was in into a nutritional conversation.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  I'm sure you were the life of the party, yeah.

• 11:30Dr. John Delony?

  I ruined every interaction. I destroyed it, man. And it was my wife taking me and saying, I don't want to hear about this anymore. A, I think you're wrong. And B, um, you listen to a bunch of things on the internet. And this is early, early podcast. When I was really crushing it and killing. And here's the thing.

• 11:55Dr. John Delony?

  I got to choose, do I want to be in relationship with my wife? Do I want to continue to go to parties and events? Do I want people to be, want to be around me? Or do I want to be right?

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  And because she had the courage to have that conversation with me, it was a big dose of cold water to my face. And over time, it really changed to now, this many years later, um, I don't answer any question unless somebody asks me. And then I usually say, this is what I would do in my house, or this is what I do. Right? All that to say is, that courage changed, I mean, that courage, courageous conversation my wife had changed me. Or at least it planted the seeds of dramatic change.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  And also he could look at you and say, oh my gosh, screw you, I'm out of here. You're just like every other, like whatever, fill in the blank with misogynist comment and he could walk out.

• 12:51Dr. John Delony?

  Do you think he loves you?

• 12:55Speaker 00

  I do, yeah.

• 12:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I think he's worth you telling the truth to. I don't like being around you anymore because you've gotten mean.

• 13:07Dr. John Delony?

  And when you say mean things about other people, you make it my fault. And that's not the guy I married. And I miss you.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, I miss him a lot.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, tell him that. And if your need to make racist jokes or misogynist jokes that you're getting off the internet, if your need to do that is more important than your wife feeling safe and loved, then we've got bigger issues in our marriage. But I don't think this is you. This isn't the guy I married.

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  How come you're crying?

• 13:51Speaker 00

  I don't know. I'm just a crier all the time.

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's okay. Are you scared that he's gonna walk away?

• 13:59Speaker 00

  No, I don't have a fear of that. It's almost like I feel that or I fear that the person that I fell in love with either is gone or never existed. I just don't know.

• 14:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I think it's fair to put that on the table. My guess is he's consuming media 24/7/365 through a pair of headphones. And the ecosystem that the algorithm serves up to him is circulating this madness and nonsense. And it's either A, stripped out of context. Right? Or it's just fueled hatred. And that's just becoming the ecosystem. And he has to choose. It's kind of like in the old days, our wives would say like, hey, I don't want you around those guys. It's kind of like, hey, I don't want you around that garbage

• 14:57Dr. John Delony?

  because it's making you a different person. And he might say, that's always been me. You just don't... Like, fine, we gotta deal with that then because I don't want that guy around my kids.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  Do you believe the stuff he says? Or do you believe he's just trying to echo? He's just echoing the trash and garbage that he hears?

• 15:27Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't think he, I don't think he really belie- I think maybe somewhere he feels like he does, but I, I, I think it could be a lot of what he's consuming or seeing or hearing he's, you know, he works in law enforcement and so they see and, and hear a lot of, you know, a lot of things and I think it's maybe a combination of those two things. He's been in law enforcement for a long time.

• 15:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, somebody who loves him needs to have a hard conversation.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know.

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I wish you the best. I, I hate that it's turned and I hate this is happening.

• 16:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I also know, I've been asked in my career with law enforcement officers and I know that I've sat with guys whose whole beat is particular swaths of a city. And they have a very lived experience of quote unquote, "These people, this is what I experience every day. It's what I do. This is what the data says." And I get that. I get that. I've sat with those guys. And that doesn't give anybody permission to make huge blanket statements, especially that denigrate broad swaths of people.

• 16:47Dr. John Delony?

  And even beneath that, when your wife says, "Hey, it's not funny. I don't want that in the house." To then beat up on your wife about it, it's just, it just sucks.

• 16:59Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry you're going through it. I think it's time to have a hard conversation that begins with, "I miss you."

• 17:11Dr. John Delony?

  I hate this.

• 17:14Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:42Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:27Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:12Dr. John Delony?

  Go check them out. It's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W.com/daloni for three full months for free. All right, we are back. Hit the like and subscribe button and help kick the show up in the algorithms and get it in front of more people. I'm so grateful for you for taking a second to do that. Let's go out to Washington DC and talk to Anthony. Hey Anthony, what's up?

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Hey John, how you doing, man?

• 20:36Dr. John Delony?

  Doing great, brother. How are you?

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm doing pretty good. I'm talking to Don Jelani, so life is good.

• 20:42Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. What's up?

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Uh, so I'm calling about an issue. Back when I was 18, um, back in 1995, my, uh, my, my girlfriend at the time became pregnant with my help, of course. Uh, and-

• 21:01Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for that clarification.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, no problem.

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  With my help, of course.

• 21:07Speaker 02

  And-

• 21:08Dr. John Delony?

  That's fantastic. That's the best joke I heard today. That's awesome.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  And we, uh, we were both very young-

• 21:13Dr. John Delony?

  She got this thing that I may have contributed to.

• 21:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, and she, we were both very young and I'd actually just enlisted in the Army. So I had, I'd had a, I had a four-year commitment at that point. So we decided to, uh, to give her up for adoption. Um, like I said, this combination of factors, being so young and having, having that obligation coming up, we decided it was the best thing to do. Um, so that was, like I said, nineteen ninety-five and then turned around to twenty eighteen and, uh, she found me through, uh, she took a twenty-three and me DNA test and, and found me. She actually found my family first and my family contacted me and said, "Do you know anything about this?" And I said, "Yeah, I absolutely do."

• 22:03Speaker 02

  And, uh, she then reached out to me and, you know, that started the, the, the relationship, um, which has been awesome. It was, it's, you know, something I was dreaming about for twenty-five years. Uh, and, you know, just, I, I can't even, I can't even put into words what it's been like. Um, the, the reason I'm calling, the only downside to that is, um, I go back and forth with the situation as far as how, I'm just scared to death to scare her away and contact her too much. And then I go to one side and last, yeah, I think last year I, I went a full year without

• 22:45Speaker 02

  contacting her and she, of course, texted me and said, "Hey, what's up? You still alive? Everything okay?" And I said, "Yeah, absolutely." You know, I just don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna be a martyr. So, um, you know, I'm just, I'm really just looking for a kinda, to help build a roadmap, um, towards a, a, just a freaking awesome relationship with her moving forward.

• 23:07Dr. John Delony?

  I love that. So I got two important things for you, okay?

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 23:13Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and it's gonna take some, or three important things and it's gonna take some real significant honesty and integrity on your part, okay? And a lot of humility, okay?

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:23Dr. John Delony?

  Here's number one. I want you to be honest with yourself. About what a full-fledged relationship would look like and feel like. I want you to see it in 3D, 4D, HD, I don't know, whatever these stupid TVs do these days. I want you to see it clearly. In your fantasy, what would it look like?

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:44Dr. John Delony?

  You live by her, you're her dad again, you, y'all go to breakfast once a week, y'all, she's over for the holidays, like, go all the way there. And if it's not that, be honest with yourself that really, I want to text you once a month.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:03Dr. John Delony?

  Because the lack of clarity is gonna make you nuts, and it's gonna be very confusing for her.

• 24:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I can, I can tell you, John, what, I mean, what I want, I have two other kids, and I love my kids 110%, you know, I don't go half in, um, and I want, you know, I want that full package with her, but I, I've been very careful so far to-

• 24:27Dr. John Delony?

  That's gonna lead me to number two, okay?

• 24:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:30Dr. John Delony?

  Because I figured that's what you wanted, or you wouldn't be calling.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:33Dr. John Delony?

  Number two is, you have to, with, within this week,

• 24:40Dr. John Delony?

  write a letter to 18-year-old you thanking him for being courageous.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:48Dr. John Delony?

  Because the shame in, is just dripping off of this call.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's shame at my level, maturity, and, and, you know, discipline at that age that I, there wasn't a, well, we made a great decision, I think it was perfect, she ended up with a freaking awesome family.

• 25:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  Um, and nothing, there's been, so far, there's been nothing bad. It's been, like I said, nothing, the only bad part is, or negative part is, um, just, just trying not to screw it up, or not to, you know, ambush my, my, uh, opportunity for a long relationship with her.

• 25:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so that leads me to number three, and this is the simplest, yet the, I don't know, I think it can be the easiest thing in the world. I want you to set up a phone call with her.

• 25:42Dr. John Delony?

  Text and say, "Hey, when you have about 20 or 30 minutes, I'd love to talk with you." Are y'all in proximity where y'all could meet?

• 25:49Speaker 02

  Uh, no, she actually just recently moved overseas.

• 25:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:53Speaker 02

  So she's not, she's not in the area anymore.

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  A Face, I mean, actually, our first interaction was actually a FaceTime before we met person to person.

• 26:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:05Dr. John Delony?

  Is she overseas for good? Is she on a deployment? Or will she be back? What's the status there?

• 26:10Speaker 02

  No, she was, she's, she lives in Puerto Rico.

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  She, they're just there, I think, probably temporarily.

• 26:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  Living the island life and doing, you know, it's something that they always wanted, her and her boyfriend always wanted to do, I think, so.

• 26:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I would call her?

• 26:26Speaker 02

  It's probably fairly temporarily.

• 26:27Dr. John Delony?

  And ask if y'all could set up a FaceTime or a Zoom time?

• 26:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:31Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to tell her,

• 26:35Dr. John Delony?

  "Since you found me,

• 26:38Dr. John Delony?

  like, a missing piece in my heart has been filled, and I have to be honest with you.

• 26:46Dr. John Delony?

  I have this vision of a pretty amazing relationship with you, but I want to honor you.

• 26:55Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to give me a picture of what you want this to look like in the short term and in the long term."

• 27:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:04Dr. John Delony?

  And let her drive.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  Which is kind of what I've done so far. I've kind of let her dictate things, you know, like, green light, red light, green light, red light, uh, kind of thing.

• 27:16Dr. John Delony?

  Have you gotten any red lights yet?

• 27:19Speaker 02

  No.

• 27:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  No, no, no, really. Like I said, in fact, you know, I, I kind of put up the red light and then contacted her for a while and she contacted me.

• 27:27Dr. John Delony?

  Why'd you do that?

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Um, I, actually, I, for the first time, I missed her birthday. And when I say missed, I, I just, I'd always remembered it in my mind, even if I didn't talk to anybody about it. I just knew that that was her birthday. Um, and I actually missed it and I, you know, I was just ticked off of myself and kind of shamed.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's shame.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:53Dr. John Delony?

  And so, as a dad, we go to the next right thing.

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  We call the next day and be like, "Dude, I suck. I completely missed your birthday. I'm the worst." Check your mailbox.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:06Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? Like, I, I, I want you to, and that's what, a lot of that shame comes, is all the way back to 18-year-old you. As much as you think you've processed it, write that kid a letter and tell him thank you.

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:19Dr. John Delony?

  And then dads mess up, and we mess up. And we compound it by silence, and we compound it by weight. Don't do, don't compound it. You're gonna mess up. You're gonna say the wrong thing or whatever.

• 28:34Dr. John Delony?

  But it's just making the next phone call.

• 28:37Speaker 02

  And I kinda knew that too, in the back of my mind. It's like, dude, what are you doing? Why are you not calling her? Why, why are you doing this? And it was, you know, it's like, the devil and the angel on one side of his shoulder and the other. It's like, what? You know?

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. But I'll call her and let her give you a roadmap, and then follow that roadmap to a T.

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:59Dr. John Delony?

  And if she says, I'll take it all, be like, cool. I'm booking a plane ticket, and me and my wife are coming down to, coming down to Puerto Rico.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm serious.

• 29:09Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'd love to do, yeah, that'd be awesome. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's, that, that's, I'm totally, I can totally do that.

• 29:17Dr. John Delony?

  And what you, what you have to be willing to do is to have your heart broken.

• 29:23Dr. John Delony?

  In pursuit of her.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I just kinda have to remind myself that I, you know, I, I signed her, my, my rights away 25, 20, well, 30 years ago now. You know, and, and I can't expect, I can't expect anything. And I've always kinda had that in the back of my mind, like, dude, you can't have any expectations.

• 29:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but she, she, she, she blew up that story.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:49Dr. John Delony?

  She called you and said, hey, I miss, I wanna talk to you, I miss you.

• 29:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, she has at every turn. She really has.

• 29:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so stop telling yourself that same old story.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:00Dr. John Delony?

  You gave up parental rights from, from zero to 18. You did. And you gave her, you gave your child to an amazing family, and they did a great job.

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:13Dr. John Delony?

  Period. Now there's two adults that don't have much of a relationship, but they've got some deep ties.

• 30:22Dr. John Delony?

  And she has said, I'd love to get to know you. And you're like, wow, man, I missed the birthday crap. I'm just gonna take a year off like, right? Nah, I'm gonna go all in.

• 30:38Dr. John Delony?

  And if you have a dream about, I would talk to your biological, I mean, your, the two kids that you consider quote unquote, my kids now. And let them know, hey, I've got this dream of all three of us getting together. I know it's gonna be weird for you guys because this is 25 year old. You've never met, but um, in my head, that would make my heart feel complete.

• 31:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, whatever dad. Okay, dad. Right, whatever.

• 31:05Speaker 02

  That's pretty much what I've gotten to.

• 31:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 31:11Dr. John Delony?

  And then you be declared of about saying out loud, hey, y'all don't know each other. This is, my heart feels full right now and complete right now.

• 31:23Dr. John Delony?

  And let that be that. And there comes a day when she says, hey, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm gonna risk being heartbroken on that day. I'm gonna risk a bunch of amazing moments and getting to know somebody and making a brand new relationship with somebody. I'm gonna risk all of the beauty of that for a potential red light down the road that is a forever red light. I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't like you anymore. Blah, blah, blah, whatever.

• 31:53Dr. John Delony?

  But let her give you the roadmap and then follow that sucker to a T. And if she says it's all green lights, then dude, me and you and your wife are going to Puerto Rico this Christmas. That'd be awesome.

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  Or you're going to Puerto Rico for spring break. That'd be rad.

• 32:10Dr. John Delony?

  But if she says, let's, let's, I want to build this thing from the floor up, then man, get on your, get on your builder's hat and let's start, let's start cranking it. It'd be amazing.

• 32:19Dr. John Delony?

  But thank you for being courageous and brave when you were 18 and thank you for being honorable and not trying to mess stuff up over the next 18, 20 years. And thank you for having the courage to call and say, man, there's just been that hole in my heart for a long time. And that courageous young girl is now an adult and she reached out and I feel vulnerable and exposed all over again. And I'm going to be a true father, a true man. I'm going to head right into that discomfort because that, that, that's where the tension is, where the connection is going to be. Thanks for the call, brother. I can't wait to hear what happens, man. It's awesome. I love these reunification stories, man. They're

• 33:02Dr. John Delony?

  the best. We come back. A man is asking, should he buy a home together with his future in love? Oh, man. We'll be right back.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all of the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, the things you should have done, all those past hurts and pains, along with past guilt, past shame, all of it. And when the world feels heavy, when your back feels heavy from carrying all this stuff around, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carrying it any further into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff and move forward with clarity and set it down so you can focus on the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over

• 33:59Dr. John Delony?

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• 34:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go, let's stay here in Nashville. Awesome. Let's stay here in Nashville and talk to Thomas. What's up, Thomas?

• 34:48Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John, how you doing?

• 34:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

• 34:51Speaker 03

  Man, I'm swell. I'm swell.

• 34:53Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. What's up?

• 34:56Speaker 03

  All right.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  Well, good God, you are from Nashville.

• 34:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, man, yeah. I am in the market for purchasing my first home, and my question is, do I buy my own house? Or do I invest into an intergenerational home with my future in-laws?

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  You already know the answer to this question. Why are you calling me? You know.

• 35:19Speaker 03

  I'm torn. I'm really, really torn.

• 35:23Dr. John Delony?

  Over what?

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Well.

• 35:26Dr. John Delony?

  Having your own home with your new wife, or having her parents be your new parents for the rest of your life?

• 35:33Speaker 03

  Well, the way, you know, great question. We're

• 35:39Speaker 03

  I can already see us potentially taking care of them in the future. They are wildly close, and I came up in a family where I'm wildly distant. So this is all new for me. Now, it's a family full of love, great energy and connectedness, and I'm slowly learning how to receive. So, but this notion was brought up in order to, you know,

• 36:07Speaker 03

  we're seeing a lot of benefits in it.

• 36:09Dr. John Delony?

  Name them.

• 36:11Speaker 03

  Okay, the splits of the cost to live in a nicer house, community, location, to be close to family and be able to lean on each other. Um, it's, you know, we potentially may expand our family one day, and having that support right at home could be nice. And I think, for context, the intergenerational home would be

• 36:38Speaker 03

  hopefully enough for the two families to coexist pretty well with more of like a basement-style apartment.

• 36:47Dr. John Delony?

  Who would live in the basement?

• 36:50Speaker 03

  That's a great question. So these are kind of the things we're bouncing off of each other. And as of right now-

• 36:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, take, take, take, take, take this from me with all my guts.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 37:01Dr. John Delony?

  Do not co-buy a house with your future in-laws, please God almighty.

• 37:06Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:06Dr. John Delony?

  Now, if your in-laws want to buy a house and you and your future wife want to rent from them

• 37:17Dr. John Delony?

  with the intent of buying the house at an incredibly discounted rate one day, great.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:25Dr. John Delony?

  But this is a recipe for everybody hating everybody when it's all over.

• 37:32Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 37:34Dr. John Delony?

  Because, because here's the thing.

• 37:37Dr. John Delony?

  Every weekend off, if you lose a job, if you take an income cut,

• 37:47Dr. John Delony?

  if you have a kid and suddenly your father-in-law thinks things are hilarious, then you don't want those kind of jokes around your kid, you are stuck, man, legally with a, with a contract on a house.

• 38:01Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 38:03Dr. John Delony?

  This binds you in a way that doesn't allow your relationship to be what it actually could be. It forces you into a business arrangement, a legal business arrangement.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  Is there a way-

• 38:22Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  Oh, sorry.

• 38:23Dr. John Delony?

  No, go ahead.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Is there a way that, as opposed to going in on the contract with them to rent it from them?

• 38:32Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  They buy this house and you and your fiance are gonna rent the, the basement apartment for the next two years, sign a lease if you want to. In fact, I would a thousand percent recommend y'all sign a lease.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:48Dr. John Delony?

  Because, because here's the thing, what you don't know yet is, is this close-knit family, somebody's running lead here on this close-knit family.

• 38:58Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 38:59Dr. John Delony?

  And if you geographically enter into this world-

• 39:06Dr. John Delony?

  Then you are subject to that too.

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  And what I want you to do is establish your roots. Establish your own tent pole, even if it's under the same tent.

• 39:23Dr. John Delony?

  Otherwise, you will always be the second man in your new wife's life.

• 39:30Dr. John Delony?

  Always. Well, Dad says we should.

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:39Dr. John Delony?

  Dad says we've been going out too much and we need to be home with the kids more.

• 39:44Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 39:45Dr. John Delony?

  Mom says we're not coming to, we're gonna come into dinner enough.

• 39:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:50Dr. John Delony?

  Dad says we need to go to his church and we need to stop going to the, like, I mean, you're just setting yourself up for

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  chaos upon chaos upon chaos. And it's a, it's a, it's a path towards resentment.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Have you seen this work out before?

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  Never, never.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:07Dr. John Delony?

  Zero percent. I've never seen it. I'm sure it does. And to be honest, my bias is the nature of my job is I only get the calls when it doesn't work out. So maybe it does.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:19Dr. John Delony?

  But I have.

• 40:20Speaker 03

  Call in for the wisdom.

• 40:21Dr. John Delony?

  I have never seen this work well.

• 40:24Speaker 03

  Interesting. Okay.

• 40:26Dr. John Delony?

  What, what do you think? What do you, like, paint me your picture?

• 40:32Speaker 03

  Um, well, it's a, it's a very tight family.

• 40:36Dr. John Delony?

  But what does that mean?

• 40:38Speaker 03

  It means we're hanging out every weekend. We're all into the same things. We love eating together as many times a week as we can. Um, we especially love the holidays and going on vacations together. Um, just, I mean, I'm surrounded by love I never really got to experience. And it's a, I guess I am soaked into a little bit of the magic. Now, for a little bit of context, they've, you know, been in, they're no Nashville natives and have basically paid off their house that has, you know, quadrupled. And they were planning on putting the major down payment on this house in which I would then take over

• 41:19Speaker 03

  the remaining balance versus what I'm capable of doing right now would be move out to outside the city. Um, and kind of take. My partner away from her family, which kind of complicates the dynamic we currently have.

• 41:37Dr. John Delony?

  Well, but number one, that's a little bit dramatic, taking her quote unquote away. I mean, what 30, 45 minutes?

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, traffic can be bad sometimes, but yeah.

• 41:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's not a way. Will it be different? Yes. And should y'all establish a world where y'all aren't having every meal together all the time in your brand new marriage? Absolutely.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely. And will that feel weird for her? How old is she?

• 42:04Speaker 03

  She's 28.

• 42:08Dr. John Delony?

  And she still lives with them and has meals with them and every?

• 42:12Speaker 03

  No, we act, no, uh, we live independently.

• 42:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:16Speaker 03

  Of them.

• 42:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  How far away do y'all live now?

• 42:22Speaker 03

  Uh, four or five miles.

• 42:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. So we're, we're, uh, she's been, um, my partner's been solely independent for a while.

• 42:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Um, and has proven to be able to, we're both on our feet very well and don't necessarily lean on them for support other than just enjoyment.

• 42:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  And they're, they're also the same way as far as, uh, just beyond generous and, um, don't really, uh, don't offer more than they need to, uh, it's more or less, if you need to borrow a car, please take it kind of thing.

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:57Dr. John Delony?

  But if y'all choose, if y'all call and say, hey, we're not coming out, we're just gonna stay in tonight? They're all good with that?

• 43:02Speaker 03

  Oh my goodness. Uh, you just, it, it, it's kind of mind blowing how cool they are with that.

• 43:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 43:08Speaker 03

  And how often that actually does happen in our life, day to day. If we're having a bad day and we had plans to have dinner and it didn't work out, I don't, I've never felt like there was any resentment. So is that a temporary thing?

• 43:21Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's, it's amazing. It is, it happens all the time. And again, my bias is the, the ones that call me are the ones where it's, it's sideways. My parents are like that. They're pretty awesome. And my in-laws are like that. Cool. So I, I get that and that that happens. That's fantastic. Um, when it comes down to the legal mess, I would much prefer.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  They to make, sell their home and make a humongous cash donation to her, to their daughter?

• 43:49Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 43:50Dr. John Delony?

  And their daughter choose to buy a house with her new husband? And please don't buy a house with her until y'all are married. That just makes a whole other level of complication.

• 43:59Speaker 03

  Oh, absolutely. It's part of the...

• 44:01Dr. John Delony?

  But y'all buy a house and then give your in-laws in writing free rent forever in the basement apartment?

• 44:10Speaker 03

  Incredible.

• 44:11Dr. John Delony?

  Or have them buy the house? And y'all sign a two-year lease to rent from them and they can rent to you below market value. They can rent to you for whatever? With the intent that you and your new wife are saving up to buy your own place? Or maybe one day you'll buy this place from them?

• 44:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 44:28Dr. John Delony?

  But it just puts one name on the thing. Cause here's what I don't want to happen. I don't want your father-in-law to sign this thing. You're covering the rest of the note and he has a stroke next week.

• 44:41Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 44:41Dr. John Delony?

  Or you lose your job and suddenly, hey, you need to be out. What are you doing here at the dinner table, right? And it just changes every meal when somebody's over another person.

• 44:52Speaker 03

  Very good point.

• 44:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so this, here's the line I would use. I really want to

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  give you, give you the privilege of just being my father-in-law and I want the privilege of just being your son-in-law and not also your business partner and not also your roommate.

• 45:12Speaker 03

  That's great.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  But I do want to live together. So can I rent this place from you and just put it in your name?

• 45:20Speaker 03

  I love that, man. That's a, that's really helpful and kind of answered a lot of my questions and brought some things to light that I wasn't even considering. So incredible.

• 45:29Dr. John Delony?

  This is the best way forward for y'all to

• 45:34Dr. John Delony?

  keep this amazing relationship that y'all have. It's awesome. So cool, dude. And apologize for poking questions. Usually people call my show when they've got relationship challenges. The fact that y'all don't, amazing. But man, I would just keep it as simple as possible. So that y'all can keep your relationship as amazing, as amazing as possible. Thanks for the call, homie. We'll be right back.

• 46:00Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, what up? How we doing? Listen, my family and I traveled a lot this holiday season. And some of the mattresses I slept on were not the best. I found myself counting down the hours until I could get back home onto my Helix mattress. Sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses and we all love coming home and getting into our own beds. I even have a Helix mattress in my guest room. And when people come crash at my house, they always, always want to know about this amazing mattress that they spent the night on. Helix mattresses are that good because they make mattresses for real people.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  Whether you sleep hot or cold or on your side or on your back, Helix customizes their mattresses to you and your sleep style. I got online and took the Helix Sleep Quiz. It takes like two minutes and I want you to do the same thing. They're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And check this out, right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off their entire Helix Sleep purchase. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney for 20% off site-wide. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X. Helixsleep.com/deloney. And tell Helix you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on this show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Kelly, I just saw your shirt. Dude, that's hilarious. That's funny.

• 47:27Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I bought this. So for those that don't know, this is, we're still before Christmas, for a couple of weeks before Christmas. And I'm still in the whole knee brace and on the crutches and the whole nine yards. And it's a gingerbread man and his legs broken and it says, have you tried icing it?

• 47:41Dr. John Delony?

  That's a funny shirt.

• 47:42Speaker 04

  I know. I saw it and I was like, I've got to have that. So.

• 47:46Dr. John Delony?

  I needed a good, just absurdly lame dad joke today. Good job. All right, go for it.

• 47:51Speaker 04

  All right, we have another problem. And this is from an anonymous caller, or listener, writer, whatever. And she writes, this is actually, sorry, this is a guy. He says, "Am I the problem for having a hard time trusting my girlfriend sometimes because she tends to say little white lies to make herself not look so bad? For example, she will say she's 15 minutes away from a party that she was supposed to take food to, but in reality, she's 20 minutes away. Or she'll exaggerate when she's telling the story about why she's late. I know they are little things, but it makes me wonder, if it is so easy for her to lie about that, what other things is she or would she lie about?"

• 48:29Dr. John Delony?

  I just want to reframe that question. Or ask the question beneath that question. Is it weird that I'm starting to not trust the person that lies all the time? Near, near... No, you're not the problem. The problem here is keeping that secret. Or the problem is start calling it out. "I'm gonna be here, I'll be there in 15 minutes." And you're in the car and you say, "The GPS says 23 minutes." And then calling the person back or texting back saying, "I mean 23 minutes." It's the little things, man. It's the little things. And yes, you are right. If people will lie about little things, they will lie about big things. That's just the way the world works. And so, um, no, you're not crazy for beginning to wonder, "Hmm, what else can I not trust here?"

• 49:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I'd be willing to bet money that there's a couple of big things out there that you're like, "Ah, that doesn't ring true to me." And that's why you're writing in here. But no, you're not the problem. The problem is you're dating somebody who doesn't tell the truth about little things, which means they have the capability to not tell the truth about big things. Love you guys, bye.