I Just Found Out My Late Husband Cheated On Me

On today’s episode, we hear about: • A woman struggling with a shocking discovery about her late husband • A husband wanting to end his porn habit once and for all • A man wondering if his relationship with his ex-wife is unhealthy Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I lost my husband seven months ago and after he passed away, I found out he cheated on me two years ago.

• 0:13Dr. John Delony?

  Oh no. How'd you find out about the affair?

• 0:16Speaker 00

  I went through his phone. It kinda shocked me still, even though deep down inside, I kinda figured, because why else would you hide your phone?

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I've been out on the road and I'm so happy to be back here with you in the studio. It hasn't affected any, any of you listeners, because the shows, we filmed a whole bunch ahead of time, but man, I am happy to be back here in the chair in the studio, taking your calls from all over the planet. Let's go out to Lincoln Park, Michigan, and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 0:59Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 1:00Speaker 00

  I'm good. How are you? Thank you for taking my call.

• 1:02Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on in your world?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Nothing. So here's a little bit of backstory.

• 1:08Dr. John Delony?

  Nothing, but, but actually something.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  Yep. Um, I'm struggling a little bit. Um, I lost my husband seven months ago and after he passed away, I found out he cheated on me two years ago.

• 1:24Dr. John Delony?

  Oh no.

• 1:27Speaker 00

  And that discovery shattered me all over again and now I'm left grieving, not just his loss, but the truth that I thought we had. And so how do I heal from the betrayal that comes after death, when the person who hurt me is gone and the pain is tangled up with grief?

• 1:47Dr. John Delony?

  Oh my goodness.

• 1:50Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  I know.

• 1:52Dr. John Delony?

  That's a lot of grief all at the same time, a lot of different kinds of grief hitting you at the same time.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  For sure.

• 1:58Dr. John Delony?

  You talk about grief, grief is a tidal wave, but you're getting, you're drowning in, you got set on fire at the same time. It's not supposed to be like that.

• 2:07Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 2:08Dr. John Delony?

  How'd you find out about the affair?

• 2:11Speaker 00

  I went through his phone.

• 2:14Dr. John Delony?

  Uh oh.

• 2:15Speaker 00

  The phone that I didn't have access to before.

• 2:17Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, okay.

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  Um, so this is tough because normally if you, if you and I were just sitting down having nachos, I would, we would talk through a lot of different avenues, but because we have a condensed time, I'm just gonna jump in there. Is that okay?

• 2:35Speaker 00

  That's fine.

• 2:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, tell me about your marriage before you passed away.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Um.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  I mean, when it was good, it was good, but I think there was a lot of red flags way before getting married. The phone was always an issue. It was always like, I never had access to that phone. It was always kind of hidden. Um, so deep down inside, I think I knew.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's, that's what I was getting, getting at. Yeah. You think you knew?

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I always kind of ignored it just because I didn't wanna cause problems. And we have three kids. I didn't want them to see arguing or bickering back and forth.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Um, I just, I don't, it kind of shocked me still, even though deep down inside, I kind of figured, because why else would you hide your phone?

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  Right. Especially with somebody you made a life with, you made kids with, all that stuff, right?

• 3:39Speaker 00

  Right. Right.

• 3:40Dr. John Delony?

  Man. So that's even another layer of grief. So you're grieving the loss of your husband. How long were y'all married?

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Fifteen years together for twenty-two.

• 3:50Dr. John Delony?

  How, how old are you?

• 3:52Speaker 00

  Forty-three.

• 3:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So this has been somebody who's been with you more than half your life?

• 3:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 3:59Dr. John Delony?

  So let's sit on that for a sec. Hold on.

• 4:03Dr. John Delony?

  I wanna sit on that one first, just one second.

• 4:06Dr. John Delony?

  Like, half your life?

• 4:09Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 4:11Dr. John Delony?

  And even when the structure was wobbly, you still leaned on him for half your life, right?

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Always.

• 4:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 4:21Dr. John Delony?

  So there's a reality to that, that even though we found some stuff out about him, he also provided some structure in my life for a long time. Even if it wasn't great structure, and in retrospect, I wish it had been a different structure, it was what it was, and we leaned on that for 20 years. So we're gonna just exhale on that for a second.

• 4:40Dr. John Delony?

  And then,

• 4:42Dr. John Delony?

  we're gonna grieve the fact that we kinda knew and we didn't trust ourself

• 4:49Dr. John Delony?

  for 20 years.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a grief in the mirror, right?

• 4:57Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:00Dr. John Delony?

  And then we're gonna grieve the fact that this,

• 5:04Dr. John Delony?

  I won't use a bunch of expletives because he's your deceased husband, but this guy, they cheated on me. Are you kidding me? After I sat with him, how did he pass away?

• 5:15Speaker 00

  He had cancer.

• 5:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so I sat with him through cancer, held his hands, he left, and then I find that out, right?

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  And can I throw another grief in there?

• 5:30Dr. John Delony?

  Now there's the grief that you're feeling about, I don't even know how to walk forward. Because I don't trust myself, I don't trust the person I spent half my life with, I thought I was protecting my kids, and actually I wasn't, like, all of that. Now you just don't even know what step to take.

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 5:51Speaker 00

  It's fair.

• 5:57Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me something you did right as he was slowly, his health was failing.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  Well, I took care of him, no questions asked.

• 6:08Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  Anything he needed? I catered to his every need. And I just feel like, did he do this because I was lacking something?

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  Nope. I don't want him in the picture right now. I just want to talk to you. I'm trying to get in a real quick timeframe. I'm trying to get... What kind of person are you?

• 6:41Speaker 00

  I have no idea anymore.

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  No, you do. Keep telling me. When you say I catered to his every need, give me a couple of details of what that meant. Some people have never sat with somebody dying of cancer. What does that mean?

• 7:00Speaker 00

  I honestly... And you think I put myself on the back burner and took care of everybody.

• 7:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  I don't even know who I am anymore.

• 7:13Dr. John Delony?

  I've got a glimpse.

• 7:17Dr. John Delony?

  You're a protector.

• 7:21Dr. John Delony?

  We could debate whether you did it the right way or quote unquote, "the wrong way", but you're a mama who did whatever she had to do, including stuffing every feeling she had down to her toes in an effort to keep her family together and protect her kids, even though she had an inkling that something wasn't right.

• 7:41Dr. John Delony?

  You're a saint because you walked with somebody dying of cancer. What kind of cancer did he have?

• 7:47Speaker 00

  Colon.

• 7:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So that meant you were dealing with Clospivim. You were wiping your husband. You were doing all kinds of things, right?

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 7:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 7:58Dr. John Delony?

  And if someone's never sat with somebody in colon cancer, it's a disease that takes your dignity to.

• 8:06Dr. John Delony?

  And you waded right through that.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  To the very end.

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 8:14Dr. John Delony?

  And that also tells me you're strong. It was scary to pick up that phone, wasn't it? Because you didn't know what you were going to find.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Oh, God, you have no idea.

• 8:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so, in just a few short minutes, I've learned that you're very, very strong. I've learned that you're a protector. I've learned that you are the definition of ride or die, even when your husband was not.

• 8:45Dr. John Delony?

  And that tells me you're somebody I'm glad is in my community, in my town, in my state, in my country.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 8:57Speaker 00

  No one's ever said that to me.

• 9:09Dr. John Delony?

  It's a high honor getting to talk to you.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 9:15Dr. John Delony?

  And the scariest proposition for you is, are you gonna let what you found in that phone change who you are? Because we find out who we are when the chips are down.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Right.

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  And you found out what you're made of. You're stronger than you thought humanly possible.

• 9:41Dr. John Delony?

  So the question is, because you were with somebody, and let's don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, he probably had some great traits, right?

• 9:49Speaker 00

  He did.

• 9:50Dr. John Delony?

  Which is what makes this all so hard and confusing, right?

• 9:53Speaker 00

  Right.

• 9:58Dr. John Delony?

  You get to pick the narrative moving forward about how you remember him,

• 10:04Dr. John Delony?

  and you get to pick what happens next in your life.

• 10:09Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what that means.

• 10:12Dr. John Delony?

  You can choose to say, "He was a complete and utter SOB bastard, that I wasted 20 years of my life with a scumbag." That can be your story, and there would be some truth to that. That can be the story you tell his kids, your kids. That can be the story you tell your community, your family. That can be true.

• 10:35Dr. John Delony?

  The story you can choose to ruminate on and memorialize is, "I spent 20 years with a guy who both took care of me, and that dude had a bunch of demons."

• 10:50Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's the thing, neither of those stories will impact his actions or behaviors. It will only impact how you sleep and walk through the world.

• 11:05Dr. John Delony?

  So you get to decide how you remember him. And by the way, that story will unfold in multiple ways over the next month, years. You're not even a year out, right? The fog is just now starting to lift, right?

• 11:19Speaker 00

  Right.

• 11:20Dr. John Delony?

  Like on the reality of money, the reality of safety, the reality of are we going to keep the home? All that stuff is just becoming really clear and it's scary. Cause even though he was a cheating jerk, he also was consistent, right?

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Right.

• 11:36Dr. John Delony?

  He's always just there.

• 11:40Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't always helpful. Everybody gets to decide what story they want to tell about whatever situation. But what I have found in my personal life is when I keep ugly, negative stories circling about the past, they don't do anything to change the person I'm making the story about, but it makes it harder for me to get up and walk through my day.

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  And it doesn't let somebody who's not in your life anymore off the hook. It just frees you.

• 12:15Dr. John Delony?

  And nothing can take away the hurt you feel right this second. Trying to run from it or hide from it or numb it. I mean, it will resurface somewhere in your life. You'll be angry, you'll snap at one of your kids, right? You'll, you'll feel it coming out all over the place. So the only thing you can do is honor it. Find a couple of your girlfriends that thought he was just the greatest guy in the world and tell them, have that honest conversation.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  And be totally honest. Tell the ugly stuff and also tell the good stuff, because it's all true.

• 12:50Dr. John Delony?

  And then let me ask you this, what's your next move?

• 12:55Dr. John Delony?

  Do you need to leave your home? Are you gonna get to keep the house? Did you have life insurance? What's your plan?

• 13:01Speaker 00

  No, we stayed, we get to keep the house.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  So that's where we're staying, like me and the kids.

• 13:10Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Are you gonna have to go get a job?

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Um, I still have my job. So we don't, and then we get the, he had a pension and stuff like that. So that's all.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  That stuff is a, an issue. Thank God.

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So you get the privilege, the earned privilege.

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  Just being sad for a while.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I guess what I would tell you as your, as your new friend is trying to make sense of things that are not sensible, only make you crazy.

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Right.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  But let me, like, make sure you hear this one more time in just a few minutes.

• 14:00Dr. John Delony?

  I've heard that you are strong beyond words.

• 14:06Dr. John Delony?

  I've heard that you are a fierce protector, even to the point that you'll sacrifice yourself and how you feel and what you know to be true for those three knuckle-headed kids.

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  And you are as ride or die as ride or die is.

• 14:24Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you held the man's hand as he slowly withered away.

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  Can you hear, can you hear that and hold that?

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Cause that's true also.

• 14:44Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe you're gonna come up against some times when you wanna be reflective about,

• 14:50Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, maybe I was mean to him. Maybe I always yelled to him. Maybe I didn't sleep with him enough, or maybe I was always complaining. Maybe those things will emerge, but that's not for today. That's seven months ago and you had a new trauma two months ago or one month ago. Let's be sad for a bit.

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  And in our grief, let's create some boundaries. I'm not gonna go drinking. I'm not gonna go down rabbit holes. I'm not gonna Google everything. I'm not going to, let's create some boundaries so that we can stay safe while we're grieving. I'm not gonna vomit all over our kids.

• 15:25Dr. John Delony?

  I am gonna get some women in my life to just sit down and talk with it, with, with.

• 15:33Dr. John Delony?

  But I think you quote unquote, "move on." I don't know that you move on. I think you just continued to do the next right thing and grieve honestly.

• 15:42Dr. John Delony?

  With all of it.

• 15:44Dr. John Delony?

  Here's my promise, Sarah. You call me anytime and I'll put you back on the show. This is, you're in a long season now. A long season of wondering if every ailment you have is cancer, wondering if your kids are gonna be okay, like all that stuff is coming. But I think for today.

• 16:01Dr. John Delony?

  I think for today, let's just be sad.

• 16:05Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you so, so much for the call, my sister. We come back, a man wants to make things right with his wife. After he didn't tell the truth about his pornography use. Be right back.

• 16:19Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:04Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:36Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:19Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:03Dr. John Delony?

  Go to Organifi.com/Deloney and use code DELONY to save 20% off your entire order. That's 20% off everything with code DELONY at Organifi.com/Deloney. All right, let's go to Jackson, Mississippi and talk to Dot Backwards. What's up, Todd?

• 19:23Speaker 02

  Hey, John, how's it going? I'm a huge fan of the show, it's a great honor to talk to you and fellow metalhead, shout out.

• 19:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, yo. Well, appreciate it, dude, it's good to talk to you, man. What's up?

• 19:34Speaker 02

  Hey, so yeah, I hear a lot of wives calling in about, you know, their husbands with this issue, so I'm calling to tell them myself, because I do, I do love my wife and my family, and I'd do anything for them. So, a little background, over the past, past year, my wife has kind of found things on my phone that she's not a big fan of, on three, three separate occasions to be specific. First one, she's kind of said, hey, you know, we have, we're all about to have our third kid in-

• 20:02Dr. John Delony?

  What did she find?

• 20:04Speaker 02

  Just pornography. It's it's not, um, no, I've never paid for it. It's never been OnlyFans. I've never, never been unfaithful. Um, but just, you know, a little background. My wife has been pregnant for three consecutive years and our intimacy has gone down, of course, and I don't blame her or resent her for that, but, um, I just have to sometimes take things elsewhere. And she, second and third time she's found it, um, has not been a big fan of it. And this last third time she said, you know, you need to, need to get this under wraps or it's gonna, gonna be some issues. And the last time uh, she found it, I tried to say, oh, well, that's, that's old. And, you know, she called me out on it and claiming that it wasn't, and she knew that it wasn't. And, um,

• 20:50Speaker 02

  my wife is a very, very bright, very wise woman. Uh, she calls me out on my vices. Um, I'm a hundred and thirty-five days sober, thanks to her.

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations.

• 21:00Speaker 02

  And, uh, this is another thing that I want to tackle and I need to tackle, and I know I need to, but I can't seem to.

• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  This one's harder. What, what, what was your vice before?

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Alcohol.

• 21:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. This one's harder than alcohol.

• 21:16Speaker 02

  I've heard that.

• 21:18Dr. John Delony?

  Cause, cause, I mean, it just, just when it comes with availability.

• 21:23Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you can't just waltz into work in most workplaces with a thirty pack, right?

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 21:31Dr. John Delony?

  And you can waltz into work with your phone.

• 21:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 21:35Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you don't just like hop into your bathroom in the evening after everybody's asleep with a thirty pack. You can, and people do, right? But it's easier just to pull out your phone.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 21:47Dr. John Delony?

  So going from alcohol, which I'm real proud of you, dude. Congratulations on that.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 21:51Dr. John Delony?

  Going to this challenge, beneath those, where did this story come from?

• 22:02Dr. John Delony?

  That you don't like yourself? That what, what you want or need is not a story that's allowed to be told?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  I'm not, I'm not sure I'll follow you on that, Dr. John.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  Who did you have to sing and dance for growing up?

• 22:18Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, my, my, my mom, we talk about that a lot.

• 22:23Dr. John Delony?

  Me and you haven't talked about it, tell me about it.

• 22:28Speaker 02

  I guess I was just always afraid to tell the truth to my mom and fear of getting in trouble and...

• 22:33Dr. John Delony?

  What did in trouble mean?

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Just groundings and things of that nature, no, no physical beatings or anything.

• 22:44Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so she didn't hit you, but she weaponized her love. If you do this, you can't be in my presence.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 22:53Dr. John Delony?

  Get out.

• 22:57Dr. John Delony?

  If you do this, you can't see any of your friends, you can't see any of your family members, you can't do anything fun. You can't do anything with me.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  So, my mom is the problem?

• 23:10Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're the problem.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not...

• 23:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm just saying, if you're a little kid and you know there is a line that I can cross with my actions and behavior that my mom will send me away.

• 23:26Dr. John Delony?

  Then you learn very quickly to sing and dance.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:30Dr. John Delony?

  And any want you have, any idea or feeling you have, you learn very quickly how to shut it off. And when you get older, you can't shut it off, and alcohol is awesome.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, that was it for a decade, I struggled with that.

• 23:47Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, yes, pornography is about getting off, but it's different too. There, there's another layer to it. It's, it's that sense of, I'm in a relationship with myself and I'm in a relationship with my partner where there's no life here. And I can pull out my phone and take a quick exit ramp and my heart rate gets up.

• 24:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I see something crazy, I get to pseudo experience something crazy without any of the responsibilities of engaging with somebody else.

• 24:20Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 24:24Dr. John Delony?

  And so I guess, I guess what I would call you on is, yeah, having three kids in three years, that's gonna, it's gonna mess up frequency, it's gonna mess up, I don't wanna say exotic, but like whatever weird, fun, playful, exciting, whatever things you wanna call it, and I don't mean weird, and I go, "That's weird," but like weird, like and awesome.

• 24:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, it's harder to do that when somebody's, when your wife's pregnant.

• 24:52Dr. John Delony?

  And, it's not an excuse to not come down to the table and say, "Hey, we're entering into a new season." What does feeling alive look like in this new season?

• 25:03Dr. John Delony?

  And you just saying, "Well, I have to just go do X, Y, and Z," is just simply not true. It's a choice you make. It's an easy out.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 25:13Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes total sense.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  So tell me what you want in your life that would allow you to look in the mirror and feel like, "I like that guy."

• 25:24Speaker 02

  I'd like to be porn-free.

• 25:27Dr. John Delony?

  No. Porn is a symptom, dude. Porn works.

• 25:38Dr. John Delony?

  You don't hear what I'm saying? You don't like Todd. Why?

• 25:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:43Dr. John Delony?

  Why?

• 25:45Speaker 02

  I, I, I think it, I think it really boils down to my lack of self-control over some things.

• 25:51Dr. John Delony?

  But what does a lack of self-control get you?

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I don't believe that, cause you don't look at porn at work in front of your boss. And you don't look at porn at church, and you don't look at porn when you're at your mom's house. So you can control it in the right environment.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  And so when you're by yourself, or when you are in quote-unquote "your house," or when you are stuck in a marriage or a relationship where there's no life left in it,

• 26:23Dr. John Delony?

  what would you like to be true?

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Well, what I would like to be true is not feasible right now and that's a more intimate relationship with my, with my wife, but uh.

• 26:37Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean? That's a very like docile way. You wanna have sex a lot more?

• 26:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:43Dr. John Delony?

  What kind? Just boring married sex?

• 26:47Speaker 02

  I don't even have a prob- I don't have a problem with that. My wife has told me many times before, when she has engaged with me while she's pregnant, it's not gonna be hot. I'm, I don't care about any of those things.

• 26:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, you're not a bad person for having survive- seven minute survival sex?

• 27:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:07Dr. John Delony?

  You're not. It's not hot and it's not, I'm sure there's some weird dark web movies about it, but it's, it's, there's not the kind you make movies about. It's the kind you just laugh and stumble through, right?

• 27:23Speaker 02

  Which we've done many times.

• 27:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So underneath that, what's the thing?

• 27:30Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 27:39Dr. John Delony?

  Can I take a guess?

• 27:40Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 27:45Dr. John Delony?

  It'd be really awesome if she initiated, if you felt desired.

• 27:51Speaker 02

  Oh yeah.

• 27:53Dr. John Delony?

  That getting off may be even secondary to, I want you.

• 28:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, that's a lot of it.

• 28:03Dr. John Delony?

  And it sounds like your wife is down. If you're like, hey dude, I need, I, like, she's got seven minutes and she's like, yeah, let me, let me get this spit up off my shirt and I'm in.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's uh, that happens rarely, but you know, she's very uncomfortable a lot of times. We're getting into final weeks of it, but it's been, it's been brewing for years, so.

• 28:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Uh, she almost never, almost never initiates.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and fair.

• 28:35Dr. John Delony?

  And also, does she have space to initiate?

• 28:39Speaker 02

  No, she's, she's empty at the end of the day.

• 28:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so where can you lean in?

• 28:46Speaker 02

  Do you mean by, by parenting, or?

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  I mean by this, think of sex as a series of brakes and gas pedals.

• 28:58Dr. John Delony?

  Where in the house, in your marriage environment, in the world, can you participate to make yourself desirable?

• 29:08Speaker 02

  I feel like I've been doing nothing, nothing but, but that.

• 29:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Um, if I can give you a little bit of background information on that.

• 29:15Dr. John Delony?

  Let her in.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  I used to, you know, when our two youngest were a lot younger, I used to get frustrated about having to get up in the middle of the night because I take the night shift so my wife can sleep. She's a stay-at-home mom. She's there all day. I come home, I take the night shift off of her. I used to get upset about having to get up in the middle of the night and, you know, ever since I've, um, ever since I've tackled this alcohol thing, I've been, um, very more present in my family life. I've, I, my, um, patience is a lot better. My control of her anger is a lot better. Um, my control of my emotions is a lot better. Things like parenting and watching the girls ride their bike seem much less mundane than they used to.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  And I feel like I'm trying and trying and trying to be more present in my family and calmer, more patient. I feel like I'm trying to do all of those things all the time now.

• 30:10Dr. John Delony?

  I, I get that, a hundred percent.

• 30:15Dr. John Delony?

  But the layer I want you to actually explore is you're still, that all of the way you just explained that is yet another performance.

• 30:24Dr. John Delony?

  It's just a different stage.

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  And, man, if we were just sitting here chilling, I bet in a few minutes you would tell me that you're just freaking tired of singing and dancing.

• 30:42Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, watching your kids ride their bike. It might be fun for some people. I don't love it.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  I love hearing my kids laugh. I love being silly. But there's other stuff I'd rather be doing a lot of the time. And that doesn't make me a bad dad. That doesn't make me a guy who doesn't love his kids and not present with his kids.

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  But you're on another stage trying to become again something that you're not.

• 31:17Dr. John Delony?

  Do you hear what I'm saying?

• 31:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, a little bit.

• 31:21Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the, here's how you get underneath that stage. You're trying to do all these things that you think she wants. And you're doing all these things that you listen to the right podcast and they tell you all dads should be doing.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  All of that avoids sitting at a table with your wife saying, how can I love you right now?

• 31:42Speaker 02

  I've actually practiced that a couple of times.

• 31:45Dr. John Delony?

  How'd it go?

• 31:50Speaker 02

  I would, I mean, I wouldn't say well, uh, a lot of times she'll get over, I'll come in from work and she'll be absolutely overwhelmed with the kids. And the first thing I'll, I'll say is, you know, how can I, how can I help you right now? How can I, you know, what can I do to help you? And she'll just be so overwhelmed that she can't even get what she needs out.

• 32:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So let's have the conversation more not in an overwhelmed state. If you've listened to my show for more than a week, I've, you've probably heard me tell somebody to go to breakfast on a Saturday morning.

• 32:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:24Dr. John Delony?

  And right this second, by the way, when she's about to have baby number three is not, everyone's overwhelmed all the time, especially her.

• 32:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, she is.

• 32:33Dr. John Delony?

  But when, yeah, when you bust in from the office and she's got one kid, she's about to have another kid, there's a kid setting something on fire and you're like, all right, you tell me what to do. There's, I, I get that sense of, will you just look around, do something, right?

• 32:48Speaker 02

  I do.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I know you do. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not hating on you.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  But there's something really powerful and freeing, and if you go to AA, you learned this, of saying, "I walk into this situation, and I want to do the next right thing, and I don't know what to do." And when I ask you, I understand that that's frustrating, and then I get a lot of shame, that I don't even know how to make my wife feel less overwhelmed when she's holding two kids about to give birth to a third.

• 33:17Dr. John Delony?

  I feel powerless.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:20Dr. John Delony?

  Or here's the other word, "I feel unuseful."

• 33:26Dr. John Delony?

  "I feel undesirable."

• 33:29Dr. John Delony?

  And then, "I want to check in with you, and the only way I know to feel desirable is you to say, 'I want to sex with you.'" And I'm not going to do that to you. I want to be a good dad. I want to be a good partner. So, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to work all day, and I'm going to stay up all night, which is equally as unsustainable for you as it is for her. And then I'm just going to go jerk off in the bathroom because it's just easier for everybody.

• 33:54Dr. John Delony?

  And then here comes your mother's voice again, "How dare you X, Y, Z."

• 33:59Dr. John Delony?

  See what I'm saying? The whole loop starts over again.

• 34:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, that sounds pretty, that's pretty accurate.

• 34:05Dr. John Delony?

  And until you get underneath the shame part of this, which is, "I don't know how to make my house feel peaceful."

• 34:12Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 34:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to have a partner who will say, "I'm not going to condemn you for not having a skill set. I will teach you. I'll walk with you, and you have to be a modern male and not be like, 'You can't disrespect...'" Thank God. Tell me. Just tell me, please.

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  To be real, real direct, my wife gave me a list of questions to not ask when she was having our second kid in the hospital.

• 34:38Dr. John Delony?

  That was the greatest gift. Because in my trying to love her and help, I make everything more tense.

• 34:49Dr. John Delony?

  And if she won't give you that, then you don't, you, you, you have deeper challenges in your marriage.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Okay. Cause I was gonna say, um, we have, we, a lot of times on Saturday mornings, we will have, like, let's say my mom watched the kids the night before, we will have, be able to have coffee at our table and just, you know, talk. And even in situations like that, I've asked the question of, how can I make your life easier? What can I, what can I do to help? And it's hard for her to give it to me. And I don't know why.

• 35:19Dr. John Delony?

  Ask a different question. Cause what you're doing when you do that is you're making the, the, the chaos of the house yet even more her responsibility. Now she's gotta take care of you too.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  So I'm just supposed to know?

• 35:33Dr. John Delony?

  No, that I, it's, it's a different question. Will you teach me?

• 35:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:38Dr. John Delony?

  How to do the dishes? Will you teach me the best way I can do X, Y, and Z with a diaper?

• 35:45Dr. John Delony?

  And now what you're doing is saying, I don't need you to solve yet another problem for you, for me. I need you to share your expertise with me so I can get on with it.

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  You see what a huge shift that is?

• 36:01Speaker 02

  I do. Yeah.

• 36:03Dr. John Delony?

  But that's you being humble. That's not you saying, all right, solve my problem too. It is teach me a few skills so that I can begin to feel a little more in my skin. And dude, I, I guess when it comes to pornography, you get to decide, man. Hope that helps, man. There's layers to it. There's layers to it, my brother. And I think you're on the right path and I think you're a good guy. I really do. I think you're a good guy. I think you're trying to solve this with more tasks and more actions. I want you to get to the deeper layer, which is, my God, I feel helpless in my own house.

• 36:39Dr. John Delony?

  Let's deal with that one. When we come back, a man wonders if his ex-wife is keeping him from moving on.

• 36:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right, it's time to talk about Helix. Summer is here. Sun's up earlier, school's out, so the kids are going bananas. And if you're like me, your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks? Sleep. So I'm gonna be real with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife, I'm grumpy with my kids and at work, everything feels harder than it should. Sleep isn't just about closing your eyes and resting. It's about being able to show up the next day as the kind of person you want to be for yourself and for those who need you to show up for them. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft or too stiff, had memory foam that felt like quicksand, whatever it is, you name it.

• 37:33Dr. John Delony?

  But Helix matched me with the perfect mattress, based on how I sleep and based on who I sleep next to. Yes, they've even got mattress options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's incredible. So get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did. It takes less than two minutes and they'll match you with the perfect mattress that's just right for you. Plus, right now, my audience gets exclusive savings on the Helix 4th of July Sale, 27% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and get 27% off. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X. Helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. We're back.

• 38:18Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, um, take two seconds, please, and hit the subscribe button and the thumbs up button. Just real quick, wherever you're listening to this, just hit the subscribe button for all the algorithm, whatever reasons. It just changes everything for all of us, you included. So please, take two seconds, do that real quick. And now, we're gonna roll out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. We were born and raised in the playground. It's where Henry spent most of his days. What's up, Henry?

• 38:44Speaker 03

  Hey, how are you?

• 38:45Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right, brother. What's up with you?

• 38:48Speaker 03

  I'm great. I'm doing well. Thanks, uh, thanks for letting me chat with you here.

• 38:53Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, man. What's up?

• 38:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, you you kind of summed up the a bit, I guess, the question, but backstory a little. Uh, got divorced or separated at the beginning of January of twenty twenty, right before.

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh.

• 39:10Speaker 03

  Right?

• 39:10Dr. John Delony?

  Man.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  And it was it was due to, uh, my alcoholism.

• 39:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  That was the cause of it. Um, I I've been sober for over two years now.

• 39:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, thank you. It it's been great.

• 39:26Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, hey, don't don't blow by that. That's a huge deal. Congratulations, man.

• 39:30Speaker 03

  Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

• 39:33Dr. John Delony?

  That's amazing, man.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  So so we have three boys, three fantastic, knuckle-headed boys.

• 39:40Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 39:41Speaker 03

  And we co-parent very well. We spend most holidays together, boys' birthdays together. Um, and it's, you know, we've made things work and and have made them the priority. And it's been, uh, first and and foremost there. But I've recently started dating. Um, it scares the hell out of me. I feel lost trying to do that. Um, but recently, when I was talking to someone that that, uh, I'd been on a date with, she she thought my relationship that I had there was a bit, maybe a bit strange or or tough for someone to get over that I still have with with my boy's mom.

• 40:27Speaker 03

  Um, and she said it, we had just taken a trip to Las Vegas. Uh, we hadn't had many, um, vacations in the past. But for spring break, I got everybody, um, plane tickets, booked room shows, and I got my my ex, you know, ticket as well, um, her own room. And, uh, we all went, you know, we went together. And, uh, she she just kind of mentioned that it would be tough for for her, I guess, but she could be and and thought others that she thought it might be a bit too much and maybe seemed like I haven't quite moved on. And so that's the question. Am I am I holding myself back, shooting myself in the foot

• 41:11Speaker 03

  there trying to find a new relationship? Um.

• 41:17Speaker 03

  Already kinda with my, with my hands tied a bit.

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 41:24Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I got tons of thoughts on this one. The first one is whoever this person you went on one date with is get their voice out of your head. She doesn't get a vote.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay, and that's a good deal.

• 41:33Dr. John Delony?

  Like you swiped, you swiped right and matched. Like she doesn't get a vote into how you've reconstructed your life out of ash. But clearly that sparked something in you.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  It, it, and, and yeah, I guess it, it, and maybe I just pondered on it too much, or, and, and I've gotten, since I've been, I've been sober and just reevaluating everything and, and what, I wanted to, to get, sometimes I've doubted myself, I guess, and my, you know, what I think, um, what I think I'm doing is right, that isn't, or, or not necessarily right, just reading social, social cues possibly, or just, you know.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  You're learning, you're learning to trust yourself again. That's awesome.

• 42:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  So let me ask you this, the, the, the elephant in the room question.

• 42:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:27Dr. John Delony?

  If your ex-wife called you tonight and said, "Hey, I wanna talk in the morning, can you go to breakfast with me?" And she said, "Hey, I've just seen how you've changed and I still love you," would you wanna give this another shot? What would you say?

• 42:37Speaker 03

  It would, it would take some, a lot of counseling. It would be a conversation.

• 42:42Dr. John Delony?

  I know. What would you say?

• 42:44Speaker 03

  But, I could say, "Yeah, we could, we could talk, yeah." Um, but there would be, there's, there's fences all over there.

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know, I know. Is that a possibility?

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a possibility that you have become the man that she so desperately wanted you to be for all those years?

• 43:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, I guess. And, and maybe that's, that's a lot of it, 'cause I feel like that, that, uh, I'm trying to be, and...

• 43:17Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, listen, listen, listen, man. Can I tell you something that people who get sober don't always understand fully for a while?

• 43:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:25Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, bro, we're all trying.

• 43:29Dr. John Delony?

  All of us.

• 43:32Dr. John Delony?

  That firm footing, like the, that feeling of like, I'm nailing this, that's elusive for all of us.

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  And I've got my own demons. I don't struggle with alcohol, but dude, I don't, most of the days I don't wake up. In fact, it's the rare day that I exhale at night when my kids are asleep and I think out loud, I did today well.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  And I understand that very well.

• 43:57Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? And most guys, especially, I know moms do it too, but I'm talking to you, a dad. Most dads just focus on all the things they screwed up. I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't have been on my phone. I wish I'd gotten home a little bit earlier. I shouldn't have worked so much. But it's dishonest to not also say, I nailed this one. Today was a good day.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 44:18Dr. John Delony?

  I was present today and it felt good.

• 44:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:24Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the thing, anybody you, let's say if you've come up with a parenting arrangement and a co-parenting arrangement, and you've got a friendship with your ex that is harmonious and you're, you both are each other's cheerleaders, because you will always be bound together because you made three humans together. If you create that and it works for y'all, then whoever you date will have to understand that they're gonna always have to come behind those kids, especially while those kids are still minors and still on the payroll.

• 45:00Speaker 03

  Definitely.

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  Period. And so if you date somebody and they start dragging you, well, you always are just talking about your kids and what about me? They're not your person.

• 45:09Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:09Dr. John Delony?

  Somebody who's like, I would love to be number one in your life, but I love you enough and I think you're fun and exciting and hilarious at all, whatever the things you are, stable or whatever. And I know, eyes wide open, what I'm getting into, because you have already built a life with somebody.

• 45:30Speaker 03

  And I, and I get that too. I, I mean, I would, I would hope I would be the exact same way, you know?

• 45:38Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. The bigger question for me is, I don't, man, are you done?

• 45:44Dr. John Delony?

  And you, you named all, like, you named all of the obstacles. Of course, every relationship has obstacles. All of them. By the way, if you meet somebody new and y'all start dating and it gets kinda serious, you're gonna have to go to counseling. Y'all are gonna have to figure out how to navigate this. You and your ex, who's your friend, will have to navigate this. You and your kids. Your kids still have a fantasy that one day mom and dad are gonna get back together.

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  And the day you propose to this new person, the day you walk down the aisle with another person, if you choose to get married again, that will be a whole new conversation for your kids.

• 46:19Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I guess the idea is, if you still have feelings for your ex-wife and you're seeing the, the world clear-eyed now that you're sober, and she is seeing, there's that guy. I'm not saying get back together. I'm saying, don't avoid that elephant in the room. Have that conversation like friends and grownups.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  Alright. Okay.

• 46:44Dr. John Delony?

  And if you still have feelings for her, it, you have a choice. You can continue to play like you don't, but you kinda do, meaning, I just made us, uh, uh, I just booked us a family vacation. By the way, did you ever book a family vacation before y'all got divorced?

• 47:02Speaker 03

  Not like that. There was always a family reunion here or there. It was never like that.

• 47:07Dr. John Delony?

  Or your wife set it all up?

• 47:09Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Right.

• 47:10Dr. John Delony?

  Did you ever just come out and pay for everything?

• 47:15Speaker 03

  Well, before, yeah. I mean, but, yes.

• 47:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you did do that. So, here's I'm getting at. Your wife may have just, I mean, your ex may have been like, oh my gosh, there he is. This guy just planned us a family vacation.

• 47:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you still have feelings for her, but you know y'all aren't getting back together, put that on the table. Hey, I brought us out here to Vegas. I basically booked a family trip. Man, I still have feelings for you. It's too weird for me. We are the best co-parents in the world and we're doing this better than anybody else. I can't do vacations anymore. Romantically, it's hard for me.

• 47:58Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you know she still has feelings for you, it's something you gotta put that on the table.

• 48:06Speaker 03

  All right.

• 48:07Dr. John Delony?

  But if y'all have that solved, man, knock your lights out. And the person you date is gonna have to know what they're dating into, especially if you tell the truth.

• 48:18Speaker 03

  Cool.

• 48:19Dr. John Delony?

  What are you gonna do, man?

• 48:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, that, that.

• 48:21Dr. John Delony?

  You got me all cliffhangered.

• 48:24Speaker 03

  I, I'm still, I, I can't, I don't know if, if I'd wanna bring that back up, if I'd wanna go back down that road again. I can't. I feel like I've, I've gotten to this level of peace with myself and, and where I am, that going back and opening up old wounds and things like that would, I just don't know if, if it'd be worth the...

• 48:55Dr. John Delony?

  Why did you, why, why did you book a vacation and invite your ex-wife and pay for her to get her own room to come with you guys to go to shows together, to go do things together? Why'd you do that?

• 49:05Speaker 03

  The, the number one reason for it is, my boys love their mom. I wanna make sure that they, you know, that, that they understand too, that how important she is in their life and that if we're all out and she's back home by herself, it just, um, I just wanted to make sure she was included. Um, and, and, uh, and because it was always something that I felt like I should've done before. Um, and now that I can, I wanted to still let her have the option, you know, and she didn't have to go. I, I asked her, hey, you wanna, you wanna come? I'll get you a room. And she said, sure, yeah. Let's, uh, let's do it. So, um...

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'm smiling, Harry. I'm smiling real big. Do you hear what you're saying?

• 49:58Speaker 03

  Maybe I'm that clueless, I'm not sure.

• 50:01Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I'm hearing you say, "I'm becoming the guy that..."

• 50:07Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:07Dr. John Delony?

  "...I always wanted to be for her."

• 50:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:09Dr. John Delony?

  "And so now I'm gonna do things so I can show her I'm that guy now."

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  "And yes, of course, your kids wanna be included, but your kids are kind of the excuse."

• 50:19Speaker 03

  Okay, I hadn't thought of it that way.

• 50:22Dr. John Delony?

  Did you have fun hanging out with her in Vegas?

• 50:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, we did.

• 50:26Dr. John Delony?

  Did y'all laugh?

• 50:27Speaker 03

  We did, we had a great time, mhm.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  Did you hold hands?

• 50:31Speaker 03

  No.

• 50:33Speaker 03

  No, we didn't.

• 50:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You just said that all sad, did you want to?

• 50:40Speaker 03

  No, I...

• 50:43Speaker 03

  Not, not really.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  Not really.

• 50:46Dr. John Delony?

  Did you sneak into her room?

• 50:48Speaker 03

  No.

• 50:49Dr. John Delony?

  Good.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  No.

• 50:51Dr. John Delony?

  Just kidding, I don't...

• 50:51Speaker 03

  I, I did.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the thing, I, I want you to get, and, and let me back all the way out, because man, the YouTube comments are gonna be ugly to me on this one. I want you to back all the way out, and here's why I'm pushing on you. I want you to be certain

• 51:10Dr. John Delony?

  about your particular heart towards this woman.

• 51:16Dr. John Delony?

  And if you don't wanna get back together with her, but you wanna still prove something to her, or prove something to yourself, then don't use her to do that.

• 51:27Speaker 03

  Alright, that helps.

• 51:28Dr. John Delony?

  Don't, if you wanna prove something to yourself about the kinda guy you think you are now that you weren't back then, don't use your kids to do that, man, cuz it can be confusing for them.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Wow, okay, that helps.

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  If, "I really like spending time with her," and it's gonna be a minefield.

• 51:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I'm not sure that I do there.

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's great, great, good, great. And, and I just want you to become clear so that when some swipe right

• 51:58Dr. John Delony?

  says, "I don't think..." then you can be like, "Whoa, chill." There's no romantic feelings here. She will always be in my life, cuz we made three amazing kids together, and she's a close friend of mine. And if that's too much for you, great, I understand that, that's a lot.

• 52:13Dr. John Delony?

  And as the great, uh...

• 52:17Dr. John Delony?

  philosopher once said, "Bah, Felicia."

• 52:24Speaker 03

  There you go. That works.

• 52:26Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 52:28Speaker 03

  It is. It is. I appreciated that.

• 52:31Dr. John Delony?

  You're the man. Hey, let me know how it goes. And dude, I'm such a sucker romantic, and that's what makes me not good at this job because I get so like blinded by it. But if you do ask her on a date, please call me and let me know. I'll just be wondering.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  Cool?

• 52:48Speaker 03

  All right. Will do.

• 52:49Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, my brother. Appreciate you a lot, dude. Appreciate you. All right, coming up, I'm gonna answer one of your am I the problem questions?

• 53:00Dr. John Delony?

  It's Cozy Earth time. Let's talk about Cozy Earth, but first, let's talk about beating the heat. I grew up in Texas, so I know a lot about heat, and these summers in Tennessee are no joke either. I'm already starting to double up on my cold tub sessions because it's hot, hot, hot. But the real game changers in my life have been Cozy Earth Sheets and their joggers. The sheets are made from viscose from bamboo, and I'm not super certain what that means, but I know they're incredibly comfortable and they're now my secret weapon against the scorching hot days and the muggy nights. I have to have it cool at night when I sleep, and these Cozy Earth Sheets are a game changer. Cozy Earth Sheets are breathable and moisture wicking, and they keep you cool all night.

• 53:43Dr. John Delony?

  And these joggers I was talking about, they're tough and they're lightweight and silky soft. Perfect for wrestling outside with the kids in the yard or working out, or just heading out for a low-key night when the temperatures drop just a little bit. And listen, you never overheat with them. Since switching to Cozy Earth, my sleep quality has shot up and I wake up refreshed, and I think I look kinda rad in these joggers. So if you're ready to beat the heat and look good when you're out on the town or just wrestling with the kids, go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY to get 40% off. That's cozylearth.com/deloney, code DELONY. Listen, stay cool, everybody.

• 54:24Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly Hall, I want them to get back together, that last call.

• 54:29Speaker 04

  I kind of do too. He needs to let us know the tea.

• 54:32Dr. John Delony?

  I have no stake in this, but I'm such a sucker romantic. I want them to get together. All right, so just for everybody listening, this is Kelly 2.0. A much younger version of the other Kelly.

• 54:49Dr. John Delony?

  The other Kelly, though, is standing, sitting behind her, watching as she's producing today's show. Congratulations. This is the big kid chair.

• 54:57Speaker 04

  Thank you. It's an honor.

• 55:02Speaker 04

  Can you feel the sincerity?

• 55:03Dr. John Delony?

  I just, I felt all of the sincerity. Why am I surrounded by like, just sarcastic, mean women? All right, go ahead.

• 55:14Speaker 04

  All right, so today's am I the problem question comes from Aaron in Traverse City, Michigan. He writes.

• 55:20Dr. John Delony?

  A Aron or A R I N?

• 55:21Speaker 04

  A Aron.

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 55:23Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. My wife stays at home with our children and loves when I call her during my workday. However, generally when I do, she will complain about the kids or me. I find myself finding reasons not to call her. Am I the problem?

• 55:36Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 55:39Dr. John Delony?

  No. If you call somebody and just to be a trash dump, then yeah, it's not weird that you don't want to just go get garbage dumped on you. And so if your wife likes talking to you during the day, or if your husband likes talking to you during the day just to hear from you, just like a touchstone, like, okay, we're still together. I like hearing your voice. You have a funny joke. Awesome. If I just want to call you in the middle of the day so you can know how crappy my life is right now, and I hope you're having fun at work, then yeah, nobody wants to, nobody wants to engage in that. And so I think the bigger challenge is, I love talking to you, and here's the nature of our conversations.

• 56:20Dr. John Delony?

  And that's the harder conversation. But no, I would want to call anybody, much less my wife, just to hear how bad I am, right? I wouldn't want to call my boss if every time, I don't like calling Kelly, because every time, I'm just kidding, she doesn't, but like, I don't want to call somebody and just hear how terrible I am. Like, that doesn't make me excited for that call. And if you're excited to talk to me just so you can tell me how crappy I am, I don't like that. That just doesn't, I don't know, feel right. What do you think? You're a newlywed. What do you think?

• 56:47Speaker 04

  Um, I am not a mom yet, so I would just, my question is, is she getting the support that she needs while at home? And is this their only like connection time? Like, is she set up for success with connecting with friends? Or does she have that support system around her so she doesn't feel like that's her only like outlet in her break during the day?

• 57:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, and I hear this a lot, actually, when I am working with business owners, I hear this a lot from their spouses. My partner comes home, often husbands come home, and all they do is just vomit about how work sucked, and this happened, and this, this guy at work's awful, and whatever. And you start to see, like, this wife start to shy away when husband gets home, because they just don't want to hear about it all. And I just overly gendered it, it works to both ways. People come home from work and they just vomit on each other, as you just pointed out, because they have no one else to talk to. They have no other friends, they don't have someone to call when they get home, they don't just go straight to the gym, or go journal, or whatever weird thing you want to do that's helpful. And so couples just end up walking home. I just picture it like, I walk in the door and I dump my trash can on you, and then you

• 57:52Dr. John Delony?

  dump your trash can on me, and then we just sit in each other's garbage, and at some point, like, I don't want that anymore. I want to do something else. And I think it's breaking that cycle, and use of that cycle is broken with external support, which a good call. Man, look at you already producing the crap out of this show. Kelly 2.0. Kelly 0.5, you should be terrified. There's a new Kelly in town. Old Kelly just pulled out a sword. Whoa, she's making her own tattoos. Whoa. Love you guys, bye.