My Daughter Had a Traumatic Experience at a Sleepover

On today’s episode, we hear about: A mom worried about her daughter attending sleepovers after an inappropriate encounter A young woman struggling with loneliness A woman concerned about how her mother treats her elderly father Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥Reconnect every day. Download the Together App. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I have an eighth grade daughter and up until about a year ago, I had never allowed her to go to sleepovers. I decided to let her go. During that sleepover, one of the girls with a phone had the app Omegle and an old perverted man had exposed themselves to the girls.

• 0:22Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm glad you're with us. Lot of hurting people out there and not a lot of people to call. So I'm glad that you've reached out. I'm glad you're listening. Glad that you're pulling up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move in your life with your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, whatever you've got going on. Let's go out to Bend, Oregon and talk to Jessica. What up Jessica?

• 0:58Speaker 00

  Hello. How are you?

• 1:00Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good. How are you?

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Nervous.

• 1:03Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, don't be nervous. I'm not very good at this. You're good. You're good to go. What's up?

• 1:08Speaker 00

  So I have an eighth grade daughter. I also have a fifth grade daughter and up until about a year ago, I had never allowed her to go to sleepovers. She'd had like a handful of, you know, one-on-one sleepovers with some friends that are like family, but outside that, I didn't allow her to do summer parties. But this year feels like there's one about every month and I decided to let her go. It was her, you know, she has really good friends. She's a good girl. She went and the next day I could tell something was off. And she told me that during that sleepover, one of the girls with a phone had the app Omegle and an old perverted man had exposed themselves to the girls. Obviously, I was

• 1:51Speaker 00

  pretty upset about it, but now I'm in this situation where I don't know if I should stop letting her have them or appreciate that she told me and I just don't know how to handle it going forward. They're just constant and I'm the only one that doesn't let my daughter stay or had been. So just trying to figure out how to navigate this.

• 2:14Dr. John Delony?

  Number one, I hate that hat that happened to her.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, me too.

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  I hate all of it.

• 2:23Dr. John Delony?

  I hate that I got to go to sleepovers when I was a kid and we didn't make great choices, of course, but we sure didn't deal with that, right?

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:34Dr. John Delony?

  And...

• 2:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:38Dr. John Delony?

  How much guilt are you carrying right now?

• 2:42Speaker 00

  I mean, I wouldn't so much say guilt. Something similar actually did happen to me. I'm 40 and when I was in the fifth grade, I went to a sleepover and somebody had put on a porno and it was very traumatizing and I never told my parents. And so my biggest thing was I was so happy that she was able to tell me because I carried as a child, a lot of shame and guilt over that for years because I was very like conservative, Christian home and I felt like I had done something wrong. So I'm very glad that she was able to tell me and I told her it was not your fault. But yeah, I was mad at myself. I said I shouldn't, I just, this is why I don't let her do this.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  But I also don't want her to now stop telling me things because if I now don't let her, then it's like, well, if I just hadn't told her, then I would be able to go.

• 3:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I would tell you that is probably how an eighth grader, a 13 or 14 year old will process that and that's okay.

• 3:46Dr. John Delony?

  I want to tell you that you have, you have done hard work to change your family tree. And what I mean by that is you've created an environment where your daughter feels safe to come tell mom big scary things.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:57Dr. John Delony?

  And kids can handle a ton, they just can't handle it by themselves, like you had to do when you were a little girl.

• 4:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:04Dr. John Delony?

  And so the fact that you've been able to process with her that you created a world over a decade or more, I don't know, I don't know how old she is, but you created a world where she came to you, which is amazing.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 4:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I want to applaud you for that.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 4:22Dr. John Delony?

  And I hear from kids, this is the way I hear that, when they come back and say, hey, I went to this thing and this happened to me. Especially big scary things like this, the way I interpret that is, please help me.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 4:39Dr. John Delony?

  And so what you have to do is the next scary terrifying thing, which is risk her being mad at you

• 4:48Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 4:49Dr. John Delony?

  for her being safe. And that's a parent's job.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  Um, what that means is, um, that if there's going to be a sleepover, it's going to be at y'all's house, which is inconvenient and which is a lot and it's dramatic and you've got boring rules that other girls don't have, great.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 5:08Dr. John Delony?

  Um, my, my wife is prepping one tonight.

• 5:13Dr. John Delony?

  That they're coming to our house and just so you know, just so you're not the only weird one, I know in your little community, you might be, there's zero technology allowed, period.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:23Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, and there was luckily after that sleepover, it did, the, the host's daughter also told her and there was a big group thing that went out and you know, the, a bunch of, every mom was on it and there was a consensus, like going forward, no phones

• 5:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  after 9pm or whatnot. So that at least is helpful, but it's still the, you know, there's, there's always a way.

• 5:44Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly, exactly.

• 5:45Speaker 00

  Technology. So it's not even so much just the phone, it's just the exhaustion, the, the lack of control over who's there, just the rest of it. So

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  Totally. And, and, and that's why when they come to my house.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:00Dr. John Delony?

  Um, there's

• 6:03Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want to put anybody on blast, but I mean, I don't care how old they are. I've, I have, or my wife will call other parents and be like, hey, here's the regulations and the rules and the whatever.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Um, and, and again, I've talked about on the show, I'm so obnoxiously over the top careful. Um, but here's the deal. You're, you know that you can't let her go again, at least for a while.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, and there is one this weekend and, or next weekend, and I, I did say, um, luckily it starts at like noon and then it goes into it. And, you know, I did say, hey, you know, we have, and then I struggle with like, do I be honest about why?

• 6:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Or do I, I just said, you know, the next day, you have like two basketball games. You've got, we have a friend's Christmas party. Like, I just can't have you being exhausted. Or do I just say it, we're not doing those?

• 6:48Dr. John Delony?

  I, I think saying that, having that conversation not with one in the balance.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:55Dr. John Delony?

  And so here, here's what an amazing moment would be for you and your daughter. Have you told her about what happened to you in fifth grade?

• 7:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 7:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. This is an amazing moment of mom and daughter connection. She's 13, she's old enough to hear that story. But y'all go out to breakfast and you tell her, hey, I've been wrestling with something since you told me what happened, and I, I want to tell you. Not in graphic detail, but somebody put something on, in a movie that is still stuck in my head to this day.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I knew better than to let you go, and I wanted you to have so much fun, and I don't want you to be the only weird kid. And here I am, I overrode myself, and then good God, it happened again.

• 7:39Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:40Dr. John Delony?

  I love you too much to put you in those kinds of situations again. And you have full permission to tell your friends that your mom is an old, old school, out of touch loser. Right, but if there's, if there's a party and you're having this conversation at 4pm on a Friday and the party's that night, it's gonna go awful.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, not the right time.

• 8:01Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:01Dr. John Delony?

  A random Tuesday morning at a diner is gonna be the, when to have this. And she'll metabolize it and you can look at her and say, I understand that you think it's because you told me it's not. Because somebody else told their mom, it would have got back to me, we'd be having this conversation, whether you talk to me or not, I'm so proud of you for being honest.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know, and that, that actually is true in this case.

• 8:23Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, it is.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  It would have absolutely gotten back to me, so now that's, that's a good idea, I will do that. Um, and then is there any age where, while they're in your house where you would allow it? Or like you personally?

• 8:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's, I will never do it based on age. I'm always gonna do it based on my relationship, first and foremost, this sounds nuts, my relationship with their friend's parents.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 8:45Dr. John Delony?

  Do I trust them?

• 8:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 8:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And, um, and usually it's done in little ways, like, hey, my kid's, in, uh, uh, like, my kid in sixth grade, uh, my son, he's in high school now, but in sixth grade, hey, we're all getting the kids together and we're gonna watch a movie. All right, well, my wife calls and says, we're weirdos, but I, I can't let him go over there if anybody has any access to the internet and if there's any phones anywhere. That particular parent took up everything. All of it.

• 9:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:14Dr. John Delony?

  Shut everything off. It was amazing, and so in little bits and pieces, and we went to dinner together and we did, we were on the same baseball teams, etc. And so they proved over time that not only did they respect our values, they began to adopt some of them in their home. It, like, us going first gave everybody else permission to go, ah, right?

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  And so it had nothing to do with how old my kid was, it had way more to do with, do I trust the environment here?

• 9:43Speaker 00

  Okay, no, that makes sense.

• 9:44Dr. John Delony?

  And, uh, and so... And then there's just being smart and safe.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:52Dr. John Delony?

  And it just kinda is what it is. And so strangely, the younger they are, the more likely an older brother, and not maybe not even older brother, an older brother's friend's gonna be there, or somebody's gonna have a phone, like what happened with your daughter. And then the older they get, they're just gonna have, they don't have wine coolers, they have kegs, right? It just, the stakes are higher. They're gonna take the car out, right? So, call me old fashioned, call me whatever. I'm just not a fan of, of, there's, there's an old West Texas saying that is, one, one 14-year-old

• 10:31Dr. John Delony?

  boy is half of a brain, two 14-year-old boys is no brain. Right? And so it's, it's like, it's a square root of the more kids you put together, right? And I never am gonna blame a kid for that. Why? Because they're kids. Of course they want to go experiment and see what crazy thing someone has on their phone. Of course they want to watch some weird war footage that's, someone's getting beheaded. Like, not, they want to watch, it's just curious about it, right?

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Curious, exactly. And when I asked her why she did stay in the room when they were in that, she said, I was just curious. That was exactly her answer, because some girls did leave the room.

• 11:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  And she said, I was just, I just didn't know, I was curious. And when I think about it, I'm like, that makes sense.

• 11:11Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, I want to know.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  Different, and, yeah.

• 11:15Dr. John Delony?

  And so, all that to say is, it's not about age for me, it's about my relationship with their parents, and do we have mutual trust over time? And even then, I'm gonna call and reiterate, and I, at least to my knowledge, maybe my friends talk about me behind my back, and probably they do, and you know what? I don't care, that's fine. They're still my friends. They're like, oh god, Deloney's kids come over, we gotta do all this crap. That's fine, that's totally cool. But here's the other thing, it's, it's hard. I have often had to backfill that time.

• 11:49Dr. John Delony?

  Meaning, hey dude, I heard there's a sleepover this weekend and I know you can be the only one here. You and I are going out to a movie tonight and we're gonna go eat whatever restaurant you wanna go to.

• 12:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:00Dr. John Delony?

  And that means me and my wife might do less date nights because one of us is with one of our kids during that time.

• 12:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:07Dr. John Delony?

  Or, hey, son, teach me how to play this, I don't, this Jurassic Park game or Star Wars game. I don't know how to do this, but I'll, I'll do this with you. Or, hey, I'm gonna take an extra hunting trip with you and you're gonna come with me and we're gonna go camp out, or whatever the thing is. I've got to, if I'm gonna pull away social situations from my kid, I have to be responsible for backfilling that, having kids at my house. Or, which I love that, actually. I want kids everywhere in my house. I love having kids over. Or, I'm gonna have to backfill that with me personally, or take my, my daughter or my son with me wherever I'm going.

• 12:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I think most parents default to, no, you can't do that. Well, now my kid's sitting there untethered.

• 12:49Dr. John Delony?

  With nothing. And that's, that, that feels kinda cruel, right?

• 12:53Speaker 00

  No, that makes sense.

• 12:55Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm, I'm gonna have a few years where my kid doesn't like me and I'm okay with that.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, luckily she's truly like the sweetest child ever and she really, I, I did tell her about this next one and she said, okay. So she really, and I don't think she associated it with anything to do with the last one. I think it was more just like, we have, we do truly have a crazy next day. So, I mean, I know I can't use that every time, so I do have to have that hard conversation at some point, but she was so sweet about it and there's no hard feelings that I can tell.

• 13:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  But I will definitely do that.

• 13:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I take her out and let her know, hey, this one's 100% on me and you're right to not like me. You're right to tell your friends that I'm boring and mean or blah, whatever. And if you wanna ever have girls over the house, you're all in. Like, come on over. And your older brother can't have any friends of whatever. Well, and, and that, that to me is the magic is when I put this boundary down. About safety, I have to backfill that boundary with opportunity. And that's, that's, I don't know, sometimes on Friday nights, I just want to collapse on the couch and watch something. Um, I just want to be kind of a bum and I took this away. So I'm going to step in and do the next right thing as a dad or my wife as a mom.

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  And we're going to do the next hard thing and we'll do it together. And that challenges me, how, am I a likable guy? Do I work on being likable so that when my son, I'm like, hey, hang out with me tonight. He's like, all right, that's cool. Let's go to a concert, let's go find a movie, let's go do something. That's cool. Instead of, oh God, he's just going to lecture me all night. And you know what I mean? So, um, but man, great, great call. I appreciate you thinking through this and waiting through. The thing that I think is the worst for most parents is kids that don't like them. Cause that like is short term. Um, especially if that like is me sitting, that not liking you is with me right next to you. Not at you, but with you.

• 14:54Dr. John Delony?

  I know this is a bummer and I know I'm kind of being a buzzkill here, but I'm going to keep you safe. Thanks for the call, sister. When we come back, a woman asks, how does she make peace with just being lonely after trying to make friends for so long? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all of the stuff you're carrying. All the things you think you have to do, the things you should have done. All those past hurts and pains, along with past guilt, past shame, all of it. And when the world feels heavy, when your back feels heavy from carrying all this stuff around, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight

• 15:37Dr. John Delony?

  and not carrying it any further into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff and move forward with clarity and set it down. So you can focus on the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions. An average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. All of their therapy is online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost.

• 16:19Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, you can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. You're worth it. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.

• 16:35Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to Kona, Hawaii and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up?

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Hi, hi Dr. Deloney.

• 16:43Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 16:44Speaker 00

  Um, I can't complain. The sun is shining and there's a wonderful breeze off the ocean. How are you?

• 16:50Dr. John Delony?

  It is freezing here, but I won't complain either if you won't. So that's cool. What's up?

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Well, um, I was just wondering, how does one like accept loneliness in a, like a mentally healthy way without giving up hope that someday they'll be able to make connections?

• 17:07Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, tell me about that.

• 17:10Speaker 00

  Um, for the last two years, I've been seeing a therapist and being medicated and I moved out on my own and I'm, I'm trying to grow up, you know?

• 17:22Dr. John Delony?

  How, how old are you?

• 17:24Speaker 00

  28.

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  28, okay. So you've been living with your folks up until you're 26?

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Uh, yes.

• 17:30Dr. John Delony?

  What are you being medicated for?

• 17:32Speaker 00

  Um, depression.

• 17:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  I'm on Lexapro, 5mg.

• 17:38Dr. John Delony?

  Um, are, were you staying at home because you had to or was it cultural or, or you didn't have anywhere else to go? Like, tell me about staying at home till you were 26?

• 17:48Speaker 00

  Um, I, I had an incident when I was 21 where I didn't do very well out in the world and I became a house hermit for almost six years.

• 17:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Tell, tell me about that.

• 17:59Speaker 00

  Um, I was at a private college at the time and I had my very first panic attack. And this was, you know, about 10 years ago. So that wasn't really normal. And people didn't treat me very well. Um, they thought I was, you know, I don't know. They just thought I was really strange and I became kind of an outcast after that. And it was really hard to like, not be afraid of other people and.

• 18:25Dr. John Delony?

  When you say people, are you talking about college administrators or friends or?

• 18:30Speaker 00

  Everybody.

• 18:31Dr. John Delony?

  Everybody?

• 18:32Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, students, um, administrators. My parents didn't really know what to do either. And so I just kind of closed off from the world.

• 18:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. O- over a, a single panic attack?

• 18:44Speaker 00

  No. Well, yeah, it was, I had this single panic attack and then I stuck around trying to stick it out. Right. And I did stick it out, but um, I kind of, people really didn't know what to do with me after that. And then when I came home, it was full force panic attacks all the time and everything. And yeah, I just kind of did one thing and did another.

• 19:08Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, I, I, I've spent my career working with college students and not just me, but all of my colleagues across multiple institutions and um, walking with a college student through a panic attack is, is almost like Student Affairs 101. Like I'm, I'm, I'm both shocked that, that I would have a colleague across the country that would go after a student for struggling and that there'd be that, that bad of a response from, with support resources.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Well, it was a Christian college and I don't.

• 19:41Dr. John Delony?

  I worked at several Christian colleges. Yeah. And I mean, there was the, the, the training and the resources we had were pretty remarkable. You know what I mean? It was, it was it, and maybe it's the particular, and I know the word Christian means a million things to a million different people.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:55Dr. John Delony?

  Um, did they blame you or just tell you to pray it off? Or like, what was the response?

• 20:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. They told me to pray it off and not to cause trouble.

• 20:03Dr. John Delony?

  Oh God, I'm so sorry.

• 20:06Speaker 00

  That's okay.

• 20:07Dr. John Delony?

  It's not.

• 20:07Speaker 00

  It was a long time.

• 20:08Dr. John Delony?

  It's not though. I mean, in, in, that incident may have been a, a long time ago, but um, you being scared of your own body. Cause panic attacks are terrifying, right?

• 20:21Speaker 00

  I don't, I grew up with a chronic disease as well.

• 20:24Dr. John Delony?

  What's that?

• 20:24Speaker 00

  Kind of like.

• 20:25Dr. John Delony?

  What's that?

• 20:25Speaker 00

  Um, I have, I have Lyme's disease.

• 20:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  And so I kind of just grew up feeling odd in my body in general. So I guess it wasn't really as terrifying as it probably could have been for me.

• 20:39Dr. John Delony?

  Well, but I mean, to be blamed for your body trying to keep you safe.

• 20:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:45Dr. John Delony?

  Is disorienting.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  It is.

• 20:50Dr. John Delony?

  And the, I mean, I, my, my, I mean, just talking to you for a few minutes. Um, I don't think it started there. Maybe the, the, the fireworks show started for the first time when you're 18 or 19.

• 21:04Dr. John Delony?

  But then not being able to trust your own body and then realizing, oh, I can't trust the people I go to church with. I can't trust my friends. I can't trust my family. I mean, that's enough to tell a body, hey dude, we gotta circle the wagons and shut the door, right? I get that. I get that.

• 21:20Speaker 00

  Thank you. I appreciate that.

• 21:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so what happened at 26 when you were like, I gotta head back out into the world and figure this thing out?

• 21:27Speaker 00

  Um, I was going out with a guy and he told me, he's like, I don't know if you know this, but you have anger problems. And I was like, I do. And I realized nobody in my life, not a single person had told me. And so I started seeing a therapist and it just turned out that I just didn't know how to handle emotions at all. I never learned to regulate. And so it was kind of a journey from there. I don't really have the anger issues anymore. It's just like, oh, there's a lot of things that I realized about my upbringing that was not healthy and that was not normal.

• 22:03Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have abuse in your background?

• 22:06Speaker 00

  Um, no.

• 22:07Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  No, it was emotional neglect mainly.

• 22:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So you're 28.

• 22:15Dr. John Delony?

  And you're trying to find connection, you're trying to find friends, you're trying to find community. Tell me about what you mean by, should I just accept being lonely?

• 22:23Speaker 00

  Well, I've been alone most of my life. I don't know if it's because I'm an existential thinker, if I'm dyslexic, if those are the reasons, but I've never really had a good time making connections with people where I feel like seen. I feel like I always have to alter myself in order for people to like, you know, digest me. And so-

• 22:44Dr. John Delony?

  Let me pause right there. And normally, I would, we would tell this, I would let you, if we were just sitting down, having nachos for a few hours, I would just let you go and we'd circle back. But like, I'm in a studio right now, and I am a old punk rock kid. Oh, don't apologize. I'm just trying to paint a picture. I'm an old punk rock kid who also went to Sunday School, who also played varsity athletics. I was a weird kid, right? I drove a Prius and also was a deer hunter. Like, just a weird guy, okay? And I'm looking through the recording glass at Ben the Engineer, who is world-class musician and an audio engineer, and he's super into Magic the Gathering. And I don't really have a psychology for that.

• 23:28Dr. John Delony?

  And then next to him is Kelly, and Kelly is a former cheerleader who still roots for the Dallas Cowboys, God knows how. And she's a brilliant leader, and she's super old and dysregulated when it comes to her emotions. And she's just shaking her head at me. And then Nate Dogg over here is into all kinds of weird, like, dice-rolling games, and he's a great dad. Like, all the things, right? So, here's what I'm telling you. And Alex is back over here, like, I don't even know what Alex is into, that's how creepy that guy is. Here's what I'm telling you. I'm on a team of people who are totally different than each other. All of us are into weird stuff, loud stuff, quiet stuff. And so I guess what I want to communicate to you is-

• 24:14Dr. John Delony?

  You're not, you don't lack friends because you're a big thinker. And you don't lack friends because you're too loud or you're too quiet. Okay, and here's why I'm telling you that. If you walk into a room, and every room you walk into, you think, "My body is a problem here." Then I want to suggest that there's a challenge with the rooms you're walking into. You get what I'm saying?

• 24:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:45Dr. John Delony?

  Or underneath it all, I don't want you to walk through every room, every doorway for the rest of your life with the assumption, "I'm screwed up and broken here, so I need to squash myself and fix, like, and become somebody or something I'm not. Put on a costume so that I can get up against the wall and fit into this room."

• 25:08Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:11Dr. John Delony?

  Now, the other side of that is, all of us have to make concessions. Meaning, there is a social world that we exist in, right? So, there's certain rooms that I think a funny joke is hilarious. I'm not gonna tell it in that room, that's okay. That's not me, like, "Not being me, bro." That's me being respectful of the room I'm in, right?

• 25:30Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:31Dr. John Delony?

  And Kelly, she doesn't talk about her, like, her Jaritol and her dentures and all that in every room she's in. Right?

• 25:41Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  And Ben and I, Ben and I have been in bands for years together, we've gone to concerts together, gone to comedy shows together, we've never once discussed Magic the Gathering. Because he knows, I'm not ready for it yet, right? So, I tell you that to say, there's both and.

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  But, out of the gate, I don't think something's wrong with you.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  Well, I feel like you're one of the few.

• 26:07Dr. John Delony?

  Well, what would it look like to begin to enter into different rooms?

• 26:11Speaker 00

  I do enter into different rooms, join groups. I've listened to your show for a while.

• 26:15Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 26:16Speaker 00

  Hmm, I am part of a D and D group.

• 26:19Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent, Nate Dogg would love you. Awesome. Okay, so, you are a part of a D and D group, and they look at you and say, "Wow, you're too much."

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Well, it's more like, there's no, a lot of interaction in terms of like, personal interaction. We go and it's all introverts and everybody does their own thing. And at the end of the day, when we all say goodbye, it's like, nobody says bye to me. Like, I don't, like, I'm an outsider in the group, once the game's over.

• 26:51Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about another group. Tell me about, i- i- it makes sense, but I'm, I don't want to challenge you just yet. Tell me about another group you're a part of.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  Um, I do hula on, um, my free days.

• 27:02Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 27:03Speaker 00

  And, like, um, I mean, I'm not like, athletic or anything, so I'm just there for fun. But it always seems like, I'm there and I'm paying attention and I'm having fun. But somehow, I just don't mix in with other people. Like, I don't know if there's, it's not that there's cliques, it's just like, everybody's at this hyping rhythm and I'm over here being like, okay, I'm just trying and it doesn't seem to be working.

• 27:29Dr. John Delony?

  And what, what would working be?

• 27:32Speaker 00

  Hmm. I don't know. Being able to like, talk to people during breaks and like, feel like, I could, like, I am included, like, I'm allowed. And like, because when I try, it, I don't know, it almost feels like I intruded.

• 27:47Dr. John Delony?

  Do they tell you that, or do you feel that?

• 27:50Speaker 00

  I feel that.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I guess what I want to challenge here is, if you have a body that has always not even been able to trust itself, because you have a long-term chronic health condition that resulted in it trying to shut you down because it felt so unsafe, which is what a panic attack is.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:08Dr. John Delony?

  If you have parents that were too busy doing other stuff to even bother with their own daughter.

• 28:14Dr. John Delony?

  If you learned at 25, 26, like, dude, I've got a lot of feelings that are big, which by the way, also allows you to really be a powerful empathetic listener. Right? To feel other people hurting. Then, you walking into these rooms, and what a cool diverse room you're walking into. You're walking into a Dungeons and Dragons game, you're walking into a, an athletic thing, right? You're, all kind of stuff. You're walking into a church group, whatever.

• 28:45Dr. John Delony?

  The thought is, it's supposed to feel a certain way.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm broken, so I need people to reach out to me. And every time I have a conversation, it didn't feel like something. And so that must mean something's wrong with me. I'm out of here.

• 29:02Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of recognizing, okay, I feel something that's important, and the next right thing is, I'm gonna get three of these girls and ask them out. Yo, let's go, go hang out.

• 29:13Dr. John Delony?

  At the end of my D and D session, or in the middle of it, I'm going to be like, alright, real quick, are any of y'all dating? And just see what happens.

• 29:25Dr. John Delony?

  But at some point, you have to push through that feeling of, I don't belong here. And in a way, um, I don't wanna say fake it till you make it, but totally fake it till you make it. Like, I super, I super belong here.

• 29:41Dr. John Delony?

  What, what's scary about that?

• 29:45Speaker 00

  Well, cuz I've tried that. I've invited people out.

• 29:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  I've, you know, I've invited people over to dinner. Um, when they have gatherings, I go and it, you know, if it was just like the last two years of this, then I would be like, okay. But I guess it's cuz it's been my whole life of trying and trying and trying. And then, just tired. Just tired of trying.

• 30:12Dr. John Delony?

  But I hear you say you're trying and you're tired of trying. And the other, other, the other conversation is, you got a boyfriend that loves you enough to say, hey, I love you, and I want you to work on your anger. And you have a group of Magic the Gathering wizards, like, who are like, hey, come hang out to the next one. And you have a hula class that you're like, I promise you're not the only one in there feeling weird.

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Um, and so, like, you're doing these things, you're with these other groups, they're accepting you over and over again, yet you walk out every time thinking, what's wrong with me? Here's what I'm trying to ask you. Is there a possibility that your, your radar system isn't, isn't working right? That you are being accepted, that people do like you, you do have added value, and that maybe it's not the community that's the problem, maybe it's, dude, my radar isn't trustworthy right now.

• 31:09Speaker 00

  No, I would say that's a huge possibility.

• 31:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  Cause my guess is if you were just up and disappear, the Magic the Gathering guys would be like, dude, we finally got a girl to play with us. And now she's gone, or the Dungeons and Dragons group, right? Like, oh no, we love Nicole.

• 31:29Dr. John Delony?

  Is that a possibility?

• 31:32Speaker 00

  Maybe, I don't know.

• 31:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna suggest that it is. And I guess my suggestion is, A, don't ever accept, I guess I'm just destined to a life of lonely. Social connection is easier for some than it is for others, no question about it. Like Kelly has friends with everybody. She's like, just like, she's, she's great at making friends. Great at having people around. It's awesome. Um, I struggle with it. I'm just a weird guy. And I've had to learn over time that my default setting isn't always right. And I've had to learn, that was pretty awkward, shouldn't have said that, right? I also know that too. But I guess my challenge to you is, is to make a commitment to yourself.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  To say, maybe I am worth being friends with because these other people are my friends. Maybe I am worth hanging out with because these other people want me around, they invite me, they like it when I'm here. Or maybe I don't feel like they like it, but they sure look like they do. And maybe consider, okay, my feeling-o-meter, my internal compass, is probably off from how my folks treated me, how my church community treated me. But I do have people. And then begin exhaling and saying, what is, what does this feel like? What does peace feel like?

• 32:55Dr. John Delony?

  And if you ask a bunch of people out and they say no, thinking, man, they must have a lot going on.

• 33:03Dr. John Delony?

  Because even the Dungeons and Dragons guys like me. And I'm just not, I'm trying to run them down here. I'm not trying to run them down, but.

• 33:12Dr. John Delony?

  Consider continuing to show up. In two years, like you've got 25 years of being told you're not enough, a couple of years of practicing, I want to tell you, I think you're on the right track. I'm pretty, I'm really proud of you for saying, "I'm gonna step out of my parents' house. I'm gonna go see a professional. I'm gonna start showing up to these groups." What I want to challenge you to do is just keep showing up. Keep showing up. And when you say, "I'm tired of showing up," show up again. Show up again, because I think, I think your friends are glad that you're there. And I think the, the challenge here for you is learning to feel what that feels like. Not as electricity and a need to get out, but as a, your body learning what friendship feels like. And sometimes it's boring and sometimes it's, "All right, see you guys next week."

• 33:57Dr. John Delony?

  And then it's going again next week. Keep doing what you're doing, because you're making some big changes. It's just, it's minute by minute, day by day, and it doesn't feel like a big change in real time, but it really is, is powerful. Thanks for the call, sister. When we come back, a woman asks how to handle concern that her mom is being mean to her aging father. All right, those of you watching or listening to the show right now probably fall into one of two camps. First, you're somebody who's never used a home security system. Maybe you thought it was too expensive, you think you need a degree in IT to work on it, or you don't want some random stranger drilling holes in your walls, or you're the other kind of person.

• 34:38Dr. John Delony?

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• 35:20Dr. John Delony?

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• 35:42Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Baltimore, Maryland. Let's talk to Angie, not of Angie's List. What's up, Angie?

• 35:47Speaker 02

  Of Angie's List, huh. Hi there, Dr. And I want to tell you, I appreciate the guidance you give to young parents about sleepovers.

• 35:56Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, thank you.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  I was sharing it with someone over the weekend, and my kids are older, but I just think it's great advice.

• 36:01Dr. John Delony?

  Well, thank you so much. I'm grateful for you. What's up?

• 36:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, my question is that my dad, my, my, my parents are older. There's an age gap between them. My dad is, um, is now 85. My mom is 15 years younger than him. He had a stroke in 2020. He was 81 at the time. Um, before that, the stroke, you would have never known he was 80. They're always out doing stuff, and they, they have a garden, and they're on like, in a rural community, and they're on like, seven acres, and always been, always doing stuff. So, after he had the stroke, he, he really started showing his age. And since then, so, my mom thought in a month, he was going to be better, and

• 36:47Speaker 02

  go back to how he was, and everything was going to be good. Well, obviously, he's not. He didn't, the biggest issue he had after the stroke is his speech. Um, everything else, he kinda came back, but of course, 80, not, not how he was before.

• 37:04Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  And she's just mean to him. She's just, she says things, and she does things, and, and she's just, she's just, and it's not just him. She's kinda mean to everybody, but...

• 37:16Dr. John Delony?

  Is that, is that new, or has she always been that way?

• 37:19Speaker 02

  No, she's, she's, it, it's new for me to see her do it with him.

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  I've seen her do it with, with me and my siblings.

• 37:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 37:30Speaker 02

  And, and I don't know that she, she, she just says mean things.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Like, for instance, he, so he had, they, they had quote unquote chores before the stroke. Like, he would clean out the dishwasher, he would make the bed, or he would fold the towels. And after the stroke, she would, she started complaining about him not helping.

• 37:54Dr. John Delony?

  He had a freaking stroke!

• 37:57Speaker 02

  I know, that's what I said. And so, I said, to be kind without yelling at her, I said, "Mom, he's had a brain injury."

• 38:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  "He, he's not the same person that he was before." And I said, "Um, you know, he's, he, he may not remember he has to do this." Or he meant, or like, she would say, like, she says things, and this is the thing that, so, this is the thing that bothers me a lot, is, is, she'll say things like, "Well, he won't tell me what he wants to eat, so I just am not gonna fix him anything, and if he wants something, he can go up and get it." And I said, "Mom, he's like a four-year-old. He, he doesn't remember this stuff. He had a brain injury."

• 38:43Dr. John Delony?

  Wow.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  And she'll just, she'll push it aside. And even my brother would say, my brother and my sister and I, we, we talked about it often, be like, "Ah, she's so mean. Oh, I can't believe she does that. Why does she do that?" So my question is, and, and I, I appreciate that there is caregiver fatigue, right?

• 39:02Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah, so, yeah. It's been five years. Her being frustrated is right. Her being just, "This is my life," and grieving that, yes, totally right.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  And, and I appreciate that. My, so my sister and I live two hours away. My brother lives about an hour away. We offer to come over. We off, I mean, they've got money. They could pay somebody to mow the, so my sister and I have this conversation, "We should pay somebody to mow the yard for him." And then we're like, "Eh, then what are they gonna do?" Right? They're so healthy and able to do it. It gives them something to do, until they're not able to do it, then, but, but, but the little things like, like making him lunch, or making him dinner, or he won't tell me what, and so my, my husband...

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  So, so here's the thing, here's the thing. You're...

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  He married a mean lady.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  He married a mean lady.

• 39:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, it makes me sad to hear you say that.

• 39:59Dr. John Delony?

  It does, and I don't want to talk bad about anybody's mom. It's, I get a lot of crap on that, that I'm meaner on dads than I am moms and, and wives, and that's true. Um, but I don't like talking about other guys' wives. Uh, it's just a thing. It's, maybe it's an old Texas thing, I just don't like doing it. Uh, but your, your dad married a mean lady.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And, fine. He married a lady that runs him down, has been quipping at him for years, and complaining about him for years, or that's the, that's the bed he chose. And... Now he's married to a cruel lady.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:33Dr. John Delony?

  And we can't have that.

• 40:36Dr. John Delony?

  Because now, there's, there, we're talking about elder abuse. You don't get to eat, because I have a bad attitude.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:45Dr. John Delony?

  You don't get any smile or joy, because I don't have any smile or joy. That's cruelty.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, but, well, well, two things. I had, I have two things to ask you about that. Number one, um, she doesn't do it to, like, she can have neighbors that's come over and she's the nicest person ever. Is that normal?

• 41:09Dr. John Delony?

  It, well, it, it just means that she's chosen him as her eternal punching bag.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:14Dr. John Delony?

  And it's very no, it's very normal for performative people, and I don't want to diagnose her, but there's some, yeah, she's just not a nice person.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  So, would, I already know the answer to this, probably. Would she, then, so when he first had the stroke, so he had the stroke in 2020, so of course, stupid COVID, right? But the doctor had said, had suggested support groups for both of them, like a stroke support group and a caregiver support group. And none of those were open during the time, and here we are, five years later. Would she benefit from something like that? Or would it be performative? Would it just be?

• 41:52Dr. John Delony?

  Both.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 41:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so, if she would go for a year as part of a performance, and that would put her around a bunch of exhausted, weepy, yet doing the next right thing wives, that'd be amazing. And maybe there'd be some collective, because here's the thing, she's not gonna suddenly wake up one day, regardless of what kind of education she gets, or some kind of training she gets, she's not gonna wake up one day and be like, "Oh my God, his life is hell."

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  Every minute, I'm gonna try to do something to make his life a little less hell. She's not gonna do that. She never has done that.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  Well, that's fair for you to say that because she doesn't, he was an avid reader. He always had a book in his, I mean, always had a book in his hand, was always reading. And now all of a sudden, he can't. I mean, after the stroke, right? All of a sudden, he can't.

• 42:42Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, but I gotta get really careful so I don't get choked up here.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:47Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm an avid reader.

• 42:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:50Dr. John Delony?

  And if I had a stroke, I can guarantee you, one of two things would happen the next day.

• 42:58Dr. John Delony?

  My wife would get me audible and she'd set it all up.

• 43:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  And/or she would read to me.

• 43:07Speaker 02

  Yes. Me and my sister have offered to do that.

• 43:12Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, though, you're becoming her. I just said it. You, by her saying, "He won't even tell me what she's gonna get, so I'm not gonna get him anything." You are saying, "Well, they didn't ask us to help mow the lawn and that's it, so we're just not gonna do anything."

• 43:30Speaker 02

  Oh, that's interesting. So, I didn't, so I didn't want to...

• 43:35Dr. John Delony?

  Don't repeat that same pattern. Here's what you have to do. You have to be, you have to forcefully insert yourself into the care of your father, period.

• 43:41Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  You and your siblings. And you know more than any of us, me talking to you or listening, whether, because some mean people are actually kind-hearted. They're just grumpy and mean, right? And you push through that mean, and they're pretty, they'll give you that shirt off their back, but they're gonna complain about it the whole way, right?

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  That's fine. If that's your mom, and she could handle all three of her kids sitting down and saying, "We can't watch this anymore." Either you make some pretty significant changes about how you feed and care and talk to our father, we're gonna intervene. And if she can't hear that, which most 70-year-olds can't,

• 44:25Dr. John Delony?

  then it's, we're not gonna ask, we're gonna start showing up at a regular interval.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  And it's gonna be really expensive, really inconvenient. But we're gonna bring a book that dad would like, and we're gonna read to him until he falls asleep.

• 44:42Dr. John Delony?

  We're gonna get him a subscription to Audible and we're going to upload a book for him every week.

• 44:47Speaker 02

  Okay. Okay, that's fine. So this is, this is gonna make me cry a little.

• 44:55Dr. John Delony?

  It's okay.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  My dad was, was always, always the big, strong guy, right?

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  So it's hard to, to do that.

• 45:07Dr. John Delony?

  It is.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Is that, is that weird? Is that weird or wrong? I can't find the word of, of me to be uncomfortable with that at first.

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so let me pass this along to you. Make a fist for me.

• 45:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 45:22Dr. John Delony?

  And put it right in the middle of your chest and hear me say this. There are no bad feelings.

• 45:29Dr. John Delony?

  None.

• 45:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 45:30Dr. John Delony?

  You can feel whatever you feel. You can be grossed out when you have to start changing his diapers in a few years. There's no bad feelings. There's just actions of character or actions that lack character.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:45Dr. John Delony?

  And so you can be heartbroken as you take this pillar who was the man in your life, the rock that you watched put up with a mean lady for all those years. And yet he kept showing up and being kind, even when he had to retreat to his books.

• 46:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:00Dr. John Delony?

  He had to retreat to his gardens just to escape her meanness.

• 46:03Speaker 02

  I didn't realize she was mean all this time.

• 46:06Dr. John Delony?

  I know. But if it happened to y'all, it probably happened to him two X or 10 X.

• 46:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

• 46:14Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're allowed, you're allowed to be heartbroken that this pillar of strength is no more.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:21Dr. John Delony?

  All of that is right and good. What matters for you right now is what's your next right move?

• 46:27Speaker 02

  Right.

• 46:28Dr. John Delony?

  And underneath all of the mean and callousness and ego and all, whatever words you wanna throw out there, he was her rock too.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  Because she knows she can't get away with that crap with the neighbors.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 46:44Dr. John Delony?

  And she is now untethered also. And that might be the compassionate way to enter into the conversation.

• 46:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:53Dr. John Delony?

  Like, hey, Mom, your rock's gone too, and he's not coming back.

• 46:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, and she's often, I mean, she's often said, oh, you know, I'm so tired. I have one brain for two people now. Because I recognize everything falls on her. The doctors appointments, the driving, the everything. And I get that.

• 47:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so you have to decide, you and your siblings have to decide, or you and your siblings, and since you're blessed to have resources across the four of you, your parents, and then y'all, we're gonna hire an outside professional for some of these things. We're gonna stop asking. We're gonna start doing.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 47:35Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have to weather her bad attitude. It's not about her, it's about your old man.

• 47:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 47:43Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the, here's the, the...

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the exercise I want you to do on your own, okay?

• 47:54Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 47:56Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to, when we get off the phone, and it might not be right now, but when you have 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 minutes by yourself, okay? There's not gonna be any kid running in there being like, Mom, can I have a snack? Like, none of that, right?

• 48:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to close your eyes and put yourself, with a rose in your hand, dressed up in your nicest black dress, at his funeral.

• 48:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:22Dr. John Delony?

  And are you gonna wish you had of, or are you gonna be so grateful that you did?

• 48:31Speaker 02

  Okay. Um. If.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  Is it? Uh. Is it okay? Well, you said Selena's okay. I feel like, I feel like this is. That this is gonna be a hard conversation, right?

• 48:46Dr. John Delony?

  It's gonna be a brutal conversation, cuz you already know how it's gonna go.

• 48:50Speaker 02

  Okay, that makes me feel better.

• 48:51Dr. John Delony?

  But it's, it's less about, and the more siblings you have with you, the more united you'll feel.

• 48:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  And this is not a question of permission. This is a question of, this is a statement of doing.

• 49:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:05Dr. John Delony?

  And it might be that this, when, when people who are mean, and I'll go as far to say violent, and whether violent emotionally, um, or cruel. Um. Sometimes getting called out escalates the behavior.

• 49:24Speaker 02

  Oh, I didn't think about that.

• 49:25Dr. John Delony?

  So y'all are gonna have to have a, um, oh, you're gonna eat this big fancy lunch tomorrow cuz Angie thinks she needs to come over and save you. You're not eating nothing today, right? That could happen. So y'all also, you and your siblings, have to have a trigger for when we're gonna make a hard phone call to a local, local social worker.

• 49:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:44Dr. John Delony?

  Dad's moving in with us.

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  We're, we're moving dad into a, um, a, a permanent nursing residency.

• 49:51Speaker 02

  Well, I, I know what I gotta do now.

• 49:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and, and, and, and I don't, this is me being, I, I, I only have a job because most of the time, these things don't go well, or when they do go well, I don't hear about them very much.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  I anticipate in your future, a very, very hard conversation that says, we're moving dad into a facility. We are intervening here. Like it's reached to a point of elder abuse. He's gotta eat. He's gotta be taken care of. He's gotta get help in the bathroom. He's gotta get somebody to care for his, his physical health, especially as he gets older. Um, and by the way, 70 to 80 is very different aging than 80 to 90.

• 50:34Dr. John Delony?

  Because it's easy to look at an 84 year old or an 85 year old and think, "Oh, if he's got five more years, they're gonna be like the last five years. They're not. They fall off a cliff."

• 50:45Dr. John Delony?

  And so, we might need to get care sooner and that might be an affront to her ego or her little picture that she's built or whatever. I anticipate a hard conversation coming. And so, prepare yourself for that. Not to avoid it, but man, I'm gonna head right to the middle of it. And again, the more your brothers and sisters are aligned with you on this, the more y'all have a team. So when this thing goes south, the conversation goes south, the actual implementation of going over there to read to him, going there and going for a quarter mile walk that takes an hour and a half. The more we do stuff like that, the more we hire out the yard work now. He's 85. The more you're gonna get resistance, but we're gonna have, we're gonna have a team.

• 51:32Dr. John Delony?

  You're awesome, man. Your heart's so good. Your heart is so good. And I don't envy your next right move, but I'm, it's an honor to talk to you. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  I am always, always talking about sleep. Why? Cause it matters. I have struggled with sleep issues for years and when I don't sleep, I'm impatient, I'm distracted. I eat a bunch of nonsense food that I'm not even hungry for. And I'm not the dad, the husband, or the friend, or the coworker that I want and need to be. And this is why I'm super jazzed to tell you about something that has truly helped me sleep better. Beam's nighttime dream powder. I use it. My friends that are professional athletes use it. My wife uses it. I'm telling everybody about Dream's nighttime sleep powder. Why? Because it works and it's delicious.

• 52:26Dr. John Delony?

  Dream is a blend of science-backed ingredients like magnesium, theanine, epigenin, reishi, and melatonin that help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep deeper and longer. I love all their flavors, but my go-to is sea salt caramel mixed with some almond milk before. Bed, it's awesome. Beam has no weird chemicals and here's the best part. I wake up sharp, not groggy. Right now Beam is offering up to 50% off their best selling dream powder with my code Deloney at shopbeam.com/Deloney. This is the lowest price they've ever offered and it's only for my audience. Go to shop, S-H-O-P, shopbeam, B-E-A-M, dot com slash

• 53:10Dr. John Delony?

  Deloney and use code Deloney and start sleeping better right now.

• 53:17Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, something cool happened.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Yes, so back in the spring, we had a caller on named Ashley and she was trying to figure out how to become the fun mom. She said that she was the one that was always-

• 53:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I remember this one.

• 53:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, so she sent in an email and some pictures, which I'm also going to include.

• 53:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 53:33Speaker 03

  This is great. She says, "Hi all, I wanted to share an update from our call this spring for your cool crap that happened segment. After our phone conversation, I told my husband about your suggestion to intentionally schedule family fun activities. His face lit up immediately because he knows how much I have struggled in this area. During our kids' spring break, I took them out for a full day of fun. We went to Dave and Buster's and before we even left the house, I told my son he could have a Coke, which is a big treat for him. We played games, talked and laughed all afternoon. They spotted a human claw machine and ended up winning a giant inflatable alien and a banana. On the way home, we made a couple of quick stops and let the kids each pick out something small. In the car, our son announced that it was the best day ever. It felt so, I felt so much relief to be able to simply

• 54:18Speaker 03

  enjoy the moment instead of worrying. It's a day our kids will remember forever. We're also a big music family. I used to put in my earbuds while cleaning, which really pulled me away from everyone. Now I connect my phone to a speaker so the whole house can hear. It's led to spontaneous singing, laughing and dancing, little moments that I didn't realize I was missing." Recently, after a very stressful day at work, I walked in to find the living room completely covered in playing cards. Instead of getting upset, I asked the kids what they were building. It turned into a whole conversation about their creation. It hit me later that my first thought wasn't about the mess. It was about how much fun they were having.

• 54:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude, that's awesome.

• 54:57Speaker 03

  During our call, you pointed out that I tend to take on all the responsibility for our home and family, and that I might not be letting my husband help shoulder the load. And you were absolutely right. I've opened up more to him about where I'm struggling. And now I come home, more often than not, to laundry already started or the dishwasher emptied. That one conversation has had a lasting impact on our family. While I still have a long way to go, your words continue to influence us in such a positive way. Thank you truly for helping us change the way our family lives and connects. P.S. Kelly, I'm sorry this is so long. You truly are a rock star.

• 55:30Dr. John Delony?

  You always add those things. Nobody ever says that, but good for you. Dude, that is awesome. And hey, okay, I'm in the middle of a big marriage project now. I'm keeping it under wraps, but I'm working on it now. That is something that has come up over and over in the data, which is there's millions of husbands who want to do the next thing, and they honestly, and this sounds like an excuse, they don't know. And if they do it, they don't do it just right or whatever. And so being able to be a spouse who comes home and says, all right, I need to relinquish some of the control here, which means the laundry may not be done as I imagined it in my head, but it's going to get done. Would you help? Or the dish, the cup may be put on the bottom shelf in the dishwasher, but you know what? It's going to be fricking clean.

• 56:14Dr. John Delony?

  It's going to end up upside down in the wrong cabinet, but it'll get put away. That's awesome. That's amazing. Good shout out to him, shout out to her. That, this whole call makes me super happy, man, because the kids are going to win, their marriage is going to win. And I love it. I love it, I love it. Good call. And Kelly, you're a rock star.

• 56:34Speaker 03

  Boy, that cost you something, didn't it?

• 56:35Dr. John Delony?

  Like Keith Richards, like.

• 56:37Speaker 03

  See? There it is.

• 56:40Dr. John Delony?

  An old, old...

• 56:43Dr. John Delony?

  But a rock star nonetheless. He can still jam. He can still jam. Love you guys, bye.