I Resent My Husband When He’s Away

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman struggling to accept her husband’s need for personal time A man wondering how to support his depressed girlfriend A man desperate to address his anger issues after having a baby Next Steps: ❤️⁠ Get away with your spouse today!⁠ 🔥⁠ Reconnect every day. Download the Together app.⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or⁠ send us a message⁠. 📚⁠ Building a Non-Anxious Life⁠ 📝⁠ Anxiety Test⁠ 📚⁠ Own Your Past, Change Your Future⁠ ❓⁠ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards⁠ 💭⁠ John’s Free Guided Meditation⁠ 🤘🏼⁠ The Dr. John Delony Show Merch⁠ Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to⁠ Beam⁠ and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of⁠ BetterHelp⁠. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to⁠ Cove Smart⁠ and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at⁠ Cozy Earth⁠. Get 20% off when you join⁠ DeleteMe⁠. Go to⁠ Dutch Pet⁠ and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit⁠ Hallow⁠ for a 90-day free trial. Visit⁠ Helix Sleep⁠ for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to⁠ Montana Knife Company⁠ to see what’s available now! Explore⁠ Poncho Outdoors⁠! Get 25% off your order at⁠ Thorne⁠.  Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️⁠ The Ramsey Show⁠ 💸⁠ The Ramsey Show Highlights⁠ 🍸⁠ Smart Money Happy Hour⁠ 💡⁠ The Rachel Cruze Show⁠ 💰⁠ George Kamel⁠ 🪑⁠ Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman⁠ 📈⁠ EntreLeadership⁠ ⁠Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I have five little kids.

• 0:07Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I'm actually, I'm pregnant with number six. I'm married to the best man in the world. But when he wants to go like on a hunting weekend or do things to like refuel for himself, I find myself like just feeling super bitter.

• 0:22Dr. John Delony?

  So this is gonna sound counterintuitive, but...

• 0:30Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from real people, going through all kinds of stuff in their marriages, in their dating life, with their kids, with their mental, emotional health, whatever you got going on. I want you to pull up a seat and grab some imaginary nachos. We're gonna figure out what's the next right move in your life. Let's go to Fargo, North Dakota, and talk to Mary Mary. What's up, Mary?

• 0:59Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 1:00Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 1:01Speaker 00

  I'm doing good. How are you doing?

• 1:03Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. What's going on in your world?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, so I'll just jump right in.

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, cannonball.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, so I am 29 years old. I've been married for almost 10 years and I have five little kids with my husband.

• 1:21Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa. That's a lot of people in the house.

• 1:25Speaker 00

  It's a lot of people, yeah.

• 1:26Dr. John Delony?

  How old is your oldest?

• 1:28Speaker 00

  Um, he just turned eight.

• 1:30Dr. John Delony?

  You have five kids, eight and under?

• 1:33Speaker 00

  Yes, yeah, I do.

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  Do you just set yourself on fire just to feel fun sometimes? Good gosh.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  I always joke with my husband that I'm gonna set my hair on fire and run down the street. That's like our, our joke that...

• 1:49Dr. John Delony?

  No, you already did that when you had five kids, eight and under. You did that. Wow.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  I know, yeah, we, but it's so great.

• 1:57Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, of course.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  We're very blessed.

• 1:59Dr. John Delony?

  What an amazing, chaotic, fun adventure y'all are on. That's cool.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, and I'm actually, I'm pregnant with number six.

• 2:06Dr. John Delony?

  Cause why not?

• 2:07Speaker 00

  It's still super new.

• 2:08Dr. John Delony?

  Why not?

• 2:09Speaker 00

  At this point, you know...

• 2:11Dr. John Delony?

  You have a backup on your basketball team. Yeah, that's right.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, so, um...

• 2:16Dr. John Delony?

  If you ever wanna call into the show and ask why this keeps happening, I could probably help you out there too.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, we do. We probably do need some help in that area.

• 2:25Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, keep them coming.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  We've just given up.

• 2:27Dr. John Delony?

  Keep them coming. I love it.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, so I I'm married to seriously the best, the best man in the world. Um, I I knew I would get emotional at this point. Um, you know how you always say like that girls should have a dad that would light the world on fire for them? That's that's my husband. He would literally do anything for me. Um, and

• 2:58Dr. John Delony?

  I love hearing that.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's just, he is so great and I really lucked out. Um.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  Did he luck out too?

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think he did.

• 3:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, he did.

• 3:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, um.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  But yeah, I recently just like when he wants to go like on a hunting weekend or um do things to like refuel for himself. Um, I find myself like just feeling super bitter. Um, and it always starts out great. Like I normally have a plan for all the kids for those weekends or those evenings or whatever. And it just seems like, you know, if he runs a little bit late or if something, you know, like if life happens and it ends up being later than he thought or something, I just like,

• 3:53Speaker 00

  I feel something inside of me that just like bubbles over and I get like so angry and feel myself getting bitter about it. And I I feel so much shame and guilt around it because he's so supportive. Whenever I need time, like if I want to go to ladies' night or book club or a retreat, he's just so supportive and would literally do anything to to help me with that. And so I feel like it's something like, like deep inside of me and I just can't seem to figure out what it is. Um, and so I thought maybe he would have an idea.

• 4:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, like, well, I mean, A, you're

• 4:40Dr. John Delony?

  I like to start with the premise, there's no bad thoughts. Thoughts happen, right? And feelings are a light on a dashboard in your car. Right? So sometimes they're annoying, sometimes they're, they keep us safe, sometimes they're right, like, but they just are, right? And I think we get ourselves into trouble when we act on every feeling. Or more importantly, we try to, we try to ascribe meaning and depth and what's going on in my subconscious to every emotion and feeling. And so this is gonna sound counterintuitive, but, and this may be the wrong track, but what if we unintellectualize them?

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  And we just put them on the table as, I'm pregnant with five kids. And I love, love, love that my husband's got friends and hobbies and activities. And I won the lottery with him, he won the lottery with me. But dude, our life is scheduled to the second because it has to be, because we're not even thirty and we already have a basketball team with the backup on the way. And like, there, it's just a whole, there's a lot going on. So what if the, your body's alarm system, what if it's detecting a low air pressure in one of the tires, but that's not really what's, you know what I mean? And maybe it's just low because it's cold outside. And it doesn't mean something's wrong, something's broken, it just kinda is.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:03Dr. John Delony?

  Or, has this been something that's been following you around forever? Have you been a scorekeeper your whole life? Or Jaco calls it the fairness fairy? Have you been looking since you were a little kid? My daughter has that, like, I got this piece of chocolate, yours has to be the exact same size as mine. Or like, it's cosmically unfair and we need to set everything on fire. Like, which one of those feels right?

• 6:29Speaker 00

  Well, I'm the oldest sibling in my family, so probably the latter.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, alright. So you're a, this wasn't fair, younger one got the car and you had to ride your bike and that kinda thing?

• 6:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that resonates a little bit more with me.

• 6:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  Especially because like, when it does happen, it's like, I...

• 6:55Speaker 00

  I think I try, I try to do like any sort of,

• 7:01Speaker 00

  any sort of like mental gymnastics I can to like, make sure that it's not a big deal and that I'm not overreacting and it's just like, it feels like it's this thing that I just like cannot,

• 7:14Speaker 00

  cannot get over, you know what I mean?

• 7:16Dr. John Delony?

  What, what is it? So take kids off and take husband off, okay?

• 7:20Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 7:21Dr. John Delony?

  Give me an example of something off the table. Give me some, an example of something that you see in the world that is just patently unfair.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 7:30Dr. John Delony?

  And it enrages you.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  I would say,

• 7:44Speaker 00

  yeah, like, well, this is kind of, I guess, a, maybe too personal of an example, but like if, I have a friend that's like not invited to a group gathering and it's not like, my thing that I'm hosting, I get like,

• 8:02Speaker 00

  I get really angry for that person when that person might not even care.

• 8:06Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. Okay, so you have like an internal sense of justice?

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Yes, yeah, for sure.

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  That things need to be the right way or else?

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Yes, mm-hmm.

• 8:15Dr. John Delony?

  Often, like, so a good, a sense of justice is important. I want everyone in the world to have that. I think that's amazing.

• 8:23Dr. John Delony?

  But if it is serving as an anti-anxiety medication for you,

• 8:30Dr. John Delony?

  if it's your way to get some tiny sense of control in your life, when the world feels out of control, because you have five kids, eight and under.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 8:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Then it can, it can be, it, it becomes a, not a useful way of being in the world, but it becomes a drug.

• 8:50Dr. John Delony?

  And then nothing feels better than when everything's out of control. Nothing feels better than rage. That's why our culture is the way it is right now. Because things are, things are uncertain, things are out of control. And so what do we do? We just get enraged because it feels, it makes us feel powerful underneath a blanket on our own couch.

• 9:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, that, I relate a lot to that.

• 9:13Dr. John Delony?

  So what, what is it, what is it getting you?

• 9:19Speaker 00

  Um, that's a good question.

• 9:24Dr. John Delony?

  Or let me ask it this way, what is, feelings serve a purpose. So what is your body trying to protect you from?

• 9:32Speaker 00

  I think it's trying to tell me that I'm being let down.

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, tell me about that.

• 9:42Speaker 00

  Um.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean.

• 9:50Speaker 00

  I was let down a lot.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  Growing up.

• 9:54Dr. John Delony?

  How so? Give me an example.

• 9:58Speaker 00

  Well, my family, my parents, they separated twice while I was growing up. Um, and then for a third time, more recently, almost four years ago.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Um.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  And yeah, being the oldest, I. Yeah, my dad had to go to rehab. He had to, he went and did a lot of things to, to better himself. And I found myself like at the age of 14.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Having to go and work and having to give up things that I really loved in order to, to keep things okay at home. Um, and I think then when they were okay for a long time and three years ago,

• 10:50Speaker 00

  it happened again. It was like just a huge letdown.

• 10:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Um, and a huge shock. And I kind of got brought back to all of those feelings of what I, what I felt growing up.

• 11:04Dr. John Delony?

  So. And I need you to be honest, okay? Cause we can't get to the truth unless you're just can lay it all out there.

• 11:11Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 11:11Dr. John Delony?

  Somebody can be wonderful.

• 11:15Dr. John Delony?

  And.

• 11:18Dr. John Delony?

  Not show up all the time.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 11:21Dr. John Delony?

  Or not fully understand the extent of it, of their not showing up.

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  So you've got this amazing, self-described wonderful, won the lottery husband.

• 11:34Dr. John Delony?

  Are there places where he's not showing up in this new, y'all have a brand new marriage? And you're about to have another new marriage?

• 11:41Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all had six new marriages. Right?

• 11:45Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:45Dr. John Delony?

  Is there places where he's not showing up as you need him in this new world?

• 11:52Speaker 00

  Okay, I know you're gonna call me crazy, but honestly, no.

• 11:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, great.

• 11:55Speaker 00

  Which I feel like-

• 11:55Dr. John Delony?

  No, that's great.

• 11:56Speaker 00

  Is why I feel like so much shame around this.

• 11:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What if you were really compassionate with your body?

• 12:04Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  Because when he's late and your body goes, "See, I told you."

• 12:13Dr. John Delony?

  He's not gonna show up for you either. You intellectually know that's not true.

• 12:18Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 12:18Dr. John Delony?

  But your body's got a roadmap. It's been down this before.

• 12:24Dr. John Delony?

  And it just automatically kicks in to four-wheel drive to keep you safe. And that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:32Dr. John Delony?

  That doesn't mean your thoughts are bad. That doesn't mean your feelings are bad. That doesn't mean you getting angry is bad.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  Where it becomes problematic is when you then go into, "I shouldn't be feeling like this. I'm a bad wife. He could've done better. I can't believe these kids got stuck with me as a mom." And now we're off to the race to the bottom. You get what I'm saying?

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  It's the difference in, he did a thing that I don't necessarily like, which is come home two hours late, which is fine.

• 13:07Dr. John Delony?

  And...

• 13:10Dr. John Delony?

  He did that to me.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Right, like... Deciphering between like, he didn't do that on purpose to hurt me.

• 13:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  And telling my body that it's okay.

• 13:24Dr. John Delony?

  And the way we tell our body is not sitting in our heads and stewing.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:29Dr. John Delony?

  The way we tell our body is going to do the next right thing. And I think we have over-intellectualized everything.

• 13:37Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  We think about it and think about it and talk about it and listen to podcasts about it, and we think about it some more, and then we talk about it some more. And our body is going to war inside of our own chest. Because it thinks the stories we're telling it are real. It's go time. He's gonna leave.

• 13:54Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:54Dr. John Delony?

  And then he bebops in the door and he's like, "I got a big buck." And you're like, "Shut up!" Right?

• 14:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:02Dr. John Delony?

  Because you've been having, you've been having an imaginary conversation with him for hours.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 14:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's pretty spot on.

• 14:12Dr. John Delony?

  So what does it look like to A, when he goes out and I'm making something up in real time that may or may not happen in my house on a regular basis, especially during hunting season? What if?

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  When he goes out Saturday morning at four o'clock in the morning, he says, I'm gonna be back tonight. I'm gonna be back around six. In his heart and mind, he wants to pull in that driveway at 5:45.

• 14:39Dr. John Delony?

  And life happens. The woods are crazy places.

• 14:46Dr. John Delony?

  What if your mind was, he's not gonna be home till nine?

• 14:53Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna expect him at nine, so I've got bedtime tonight. I've got all this stuff tonight. And I'm going to do one or two things that will blow his mind as he walks in the door. Not, he's gonna walk in the door and I'm gonna dump five kids worth of frustration on him. I'm going to hand him his favorite warm tea when he walks in the door.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I like that a lot better.

• 15:19Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and what it's doing is it's taking it out of your head and it is, I had this feeling, he's not coming back. And you know, yeah, he is. And since he's coming back, he's that kinda guy. I'm gonna begin to teach my body that when he's late, I got an opportunity to serve. I got an opportunity to double down amidst all the crazy.

• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to have the courage that if he's like, oh, sweet, man, she doesn't care when I get home. And she greets me with a cup. And if this becomes, I'm not saying abusing in like the abusive word, you know what I mean?

• 15:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:51Dr. John Delony?

  But like in the, if it becomes something he takes for granted, then I'm gonna have the courage to sit down and say,

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  hey, when you say you're gonna be home at six, like come hell or high water, I need you to be here at six.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:06Dr. John Delony?

  Or I know when you say six, with all of your heart and mind, you want to be here six, but I know it's not nine, but now you're coming home at 11.

• 16:13Speaker 00

  Sure. Yeah.

• 16:15Dr. John Delony?

  And being able to put that on the table. And he sounds like the kind of guy that could hear that and be like, you're exactly right. I messed that up. Won't happen again.

• 16:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, totally. He would. Yeah.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that would, uh, for sure be a good, a good place to start, for sure.

• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

  So you saying, hey, when you walk in the door, if you have some dinner with you, or my favorite cup of coffee, or you come in and you go straight upstairs to jump into bedtime? That would mean the world to me.

• 16:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a really good idea. I think sometimes like in the craziness, like those are the details that we miss. Cause it's just like constant survival mode.

• 16:55Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly right. And so how do you and him get away for a morning and say, hey, we're about to have our sixth or seventh marriage?

• 17:04Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 17:05Dr. John Delony?

  We've never been married with six kids.

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  And so we have a new one. That's awesome. It may look like for a couple of years, hunting season is like one or two weekends. And I know you love it with all your heart, but we both decided to create, you know, a half a dozen humans.

• 17:25Dr. John Delony?

  And that's going to come at some sacrifice. That's great. Cool.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 17:30Dr. John Delony?

  And when you walk in that door, here's what I need from you. But then he walks in the door refreshed and he's got a roadmap to you. You have been intentional about the things that you need to do to be well. And it stops it from being, well, I had to do this, so you had to do that. The scorekeeping is what melts relationships. I did this and then you did that. And then if it does, he's going to turn into,

• 17:53Dr. John Delony?

  oh, I can't get one weekend. I can't get two weekends. I can't get three weekends a year to go. Right. And of course that's not reality either. And so it's backing all the way out and saying, okay, we got a new marriage. What do we want this to feel like? And I'm going to be really honest and intentional with you. And I'm going to ask you to be really honest and intentional with me.

• 18:12Dr. John Delony?

  And the driver here is you are not going to beat yourself up about those lightning bolt thoughts that pop in your head. And you're gonna have a list of things that are the next right thing. But I guess the meta I want to pass along to you is there's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. You're in a wild season. And it's gonna take him giving up some stuff, you giving up some stuff, and more importantly, it's gonna be y'all giving up secrets and being honest about here's exactly what I want on a day in, day out basis and on these special weekends. And you having the courage to take him up on it and him having the courage to take you up on it. I'm gonna send you a code. I want you to start using the Together app.

• 18:54Dr. John Delony?

  It's become one of my favorite things in the world, but it's just a daily practice for this marriage app. And hang on the line here, I'm gonna hook you up with a free app that you and your husband can use, and it will just pop up a daily reminder, a thing to do for one another, so that your partner is seen and heard and celebrated. And it provides the foundation that when you need to challenge each other, you can. Hang on the line here, we're just taking care of it. Thanks for the call, sister. You're not broken, and you're not messed up, and you're not a bad person. Your body's working exactly as it should, and now we're gonna lean on intentionality. Thanks for the call, sister. When we come back, a man asks how to respond to his girlfriend's depression. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

• 19:35Dr. John Delony?

  As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all of the junk you're carrying, all those things that you think you have to do, along with all the past hurts and pains, along with past guilt and shame. Listen, when the world feels heavy, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carrying it into 2026. Therapy can help you identify all that heavy stuff and move forward with clarity so you can focus on the new year unburdened by the past. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the leading online therapy providers in the world, and they're trusted by millions, and they have an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars.

• 20:20Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:48Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:11Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Ademus. What's up, brother? How we doing?

• 22:17Speaker 02

  Better than I deserve. Thanks for taking my call.

• 22:19Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent, man. What's up?

• 22:21Speaker 02

  All right, um, as you know, that's a question. Um, sorry, I'm a little nervous. I'm a fan, so.

• 22:26Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you're good, brother. And I don't know the question is coming, so let it rip.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  All right. So my question was, how do I, like, I need a toolkit. How do I respond to when my, um, girlfriend is depressed? So I guess I'll give some details. So, you know, recently, like a week or two ago, she started taking medication because, you know, she's clinically depressed. She found out and, um, we've been, you know, we spend time together and she.

• 22:55Dr. John Delony?

  So she's not just grouchy or sad. This is, this is the real deal, Lucille.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, like she gets, and she gets in these headspaces and sometimes it's bipolar for no reason, or if like a little thing, like if we have like a little disagreement, it'll kind of, she'll overly blame herself and get in the headspace and I feel bad and I, I'd sit where I ask her like, how can I help? And I'm sorry. And then sometimes that doesn't even help. And she's just stuck there and there's nothing I can do to help her and I feel bad and I'm afraid I'm building, I'm building up resentment from it and I feel bad about myself. And like, no, so I just, I just don't know what to do. I want to know what's the right thing to do? How do I properly approach this, you know?

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's a great question, man. Thank you for loving her in that way and for being honest about putting it all on the table. That's great, dude.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 23:37Dr. John Delony?

  So I'll, I'll start with the hard truth first and then we'll reverse engineer it. Okay? The hard truth is you can't make her feel anything.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:49Dr. John Delony?

  The thing you can do is, given this context,

• 23:54Dr. John Delony?

  my girlfriend is struggling with a depressive disorder, which is a very real thing. She's seeing, seeking professional help for it and all that great, wonderful. The thing you can control here is,

• 24:10Dr. John Delony?

  am I going to, when I begin to feel like I gotta not tell the truth? When I feel like I have to walk on eggshells? When I feel like these things?

• 24:25Dr. John Delony?

  Am I gonna continue to be a person of character and integrity?

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:31Dr. John Delony?

  When you start to quote unquote feel bad because you told the truth, because you, she is saying to you through her lens, through her not being like she's, she's not well, being able, saying you did this, or I'm the worst, or I'm whatever.

• 24:46Dr. John Delony?

  The moment you start to go, well, now I feel bad that she is X, Y, I'm, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna choose to go down that road. I'm gonna do the next right thing. Here's how you determine what the next right thing is. When she is feeling well, y'all go come up with a game plan.

• 25:05Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:06Dr. John Delony?

  So that when things get, when she gets low, which is part of loving somebody with depression. I, I know the next right thing for me to do. It might be, I'm gonna back out. And this too shall pass.

• 25:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:22Dr. John Delony?

  It might be, I'm going to drop what I'm doing and sit by you for 30 minutes and we're gonna watch a cheesy TV show.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:30Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm not going to grab the rope and go down in the basement with you because I make it all worse by doing that.

• 25:40Speaker 02

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 25:43Dr. John Delony?

  And you're a guy who loves her deeply. Is that, is that right? I, I hear it on you.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, like I said, I feel real bad because I feel like I wanna help her so bad that I feel like I'm doing too much and making it worse. Like you're describing, it's like, but you know what I mean? Like it's like.

• 25:59Dr. John Delony?

  Totally. And so somebody who's struggling with depression, the moment somebody reaches in, overreaches, it confirms that they aren't enough.

• 26:10Dr. John Delony?

  It confirms, oh, you're exactly right. I was the problem. Look how great this guy is. Now he's bringing me breakfast. Now he's, and that actually compounds the issue.

• 26:21Dr. John Delony?

  See what I'm saying? And you are doing an amazing thing, like, oh, my gosh, my girlfriend's not feeling great right now. I'm going to do all of these things that I know would make me feel better if I wasn't feeling good. Ah, hmm, okay. Instead of sitting down and saying, not when she's low, because she's, she's seeing the world through a pair of glasses and those glasses are not telling the truth and those glasses are depression. Okay. When she is well, when she is having a, a season of clarity, okay? Okay. What does it look like? How can I best love you in these, in these moments? And by the way, this will alter and change and this has become my favorite part of being

• 27:03Dr. John Delony?

  married, which is this used to be the way I could love you. What's the new way? Hmm. And instead of me being mad, like I can't set it and forget it. Now I get to relearn, re, get to know my wife all the time and it's become one of my favorite things in the world. Wow.

• 27:21Dr. John Delony?

  It keeps everything alive, right? It keeps everything from getting stale and boring. Yeah, yeah.

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But it, for you, a guy who loves her and I, I'm overgeneralizing here, but most men are fixers. I want to fix this thing. And if she had fallen down in a hole, you'd be the first guy to climb down that hole and get her out. Hmm. Right? And it might be that what she really needs is to go sleep. Ah, okay. She really needs. I didn't think about it like that. A couple of hours to.

• 27:55Dr. John Delony?

  I, she knows her body, this too will pass. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed, I'm gonna go eat something, I'm gonna go some coffee, I'm gonna call a girlfriend, I'm gonna whatever. And that's not a, that's not a, um, uh, it's not an indictment of how much you love her. In fact, the hardest thing for you to do is to not try to jump down in that hole with her. Gotcha. Hmm. Wow. Okay. You get what I'm saying? I didn't think about it like that at all. The act of courage is not jumping, which sounds counterintuitive to guys like you and me. Yeah. Okay. Where this becomes hard, and again, I'm gonna be honest, where this becomes really tough is

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  if part of her narrative that she tells herself is, you need to be down there with her.

• 28:45Dr. John Delony?

  You need to be miserable too. It's not fair that you're not miserable.

• 28:50Dr. John Delony?

  And part of healing from anxiety, part of healing from depression. And in some cases, healing depression, depending on the severity and the depth and the type, is managing it. Is knowing. Let me, let me, let me take depression, anxiety off because those are third rails and those are diagnostics. And in our current world, they get thrown around a lot. Okay. Can I tell you one of the awesomest things my wife did for me? Whenever she got pregnant with our, our son. I was gonna be a cool, modern bro. If she's going through it, I'm going through it. If she's getting up at 2 a.m. to feed the baby, I'm gonna be up sitting right next to her all bleary. Because we're in this together. And she said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. We need one functioning brain in this house."

• 29:36Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. "You sleep.

• 29:39Dr. John Delony?

  I will get up and I will feed the kid. This is gonna be my magic time with him."

• 29:45Dr. John Delony?

  Interesting. "I need you getting up at 6 o'clock in the morning or 5 in the morning with a clear head." Okay. Right? And so, part of healing or managing anxiety or managing depression is not that I can't suddenly feel like, "Snap out of it. That isn't, that's not real." Right? She's hurting. But part of the management is, "When I feel like I want him here, I know that the greatest gift he's giving himself and to me and to our relationship is, he's doing the things to keep both of us well."

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  And if she keeps saying, "I want you down in the hole with me." And you know, being down in that hole, she knows being down in that hole actually compounds, it makes it worse. That's when you have to have bigger, harder conversations about the nature of your relationship. Okay.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  Huh.

• 30:39Dr. John Delony?

  How's that all sound? I threw a lot at you.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I'm just processing. Um, no, that's really how I did not think about it because that's exactly how I feel like when she gets in those like states, I'm like, wow, like I, I just like, don't know what to do. And I feel like, like I said, when the first instance, I'm like, let me try to fit in. I'm like, that makes it worse. And then sometimes I'll like act dumb and make her laugh and that'll help too. But it's usually it's not enough. And I just like, I just like feel bad like, mm, you know, but like, I didn't think about it like.

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to stay on that line right there.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to really work hard to avoid the phrase, I'm not enough.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:22Dr. John Delony?

  It's hard for you to metabolize her depression is not about you.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:28Dr. John Delony?

  It affects you.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 31:30Dr. John Delony?

  It affects y'all.

• 31:34Dr. John Delony?

  But it's powerful and painful inside of her heart and mind. And it's hard to think this has nothing to do with me.

• 31:41Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  She has a different mind and brain than you have.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 31:50Dr. John Delony?

  And depending on the severity of clinical depression, there's a reason I have not written the book, Building a Non-Depressed Life, because depression works different. It's, it's, it's, there's all different types. It's, it's, there's severity differences and whatever. And I'm always really careful with depression because it, it's, depression can be like a gnarly demon.

• 32:10Speaker 02

  Hmm. Okay.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  But you being honest with her when y'all are having open and honest dialogue in a place where she can hear it of, hey, I would love to come to one of your counseling sessions one day so that the three of us, you and her and the therapist can come up with a game plan on how you can best love her when she's feeling low.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:33Dr. John Delony?

  That would be a way that you could really reach across the aisle for her. But you see that she's getting to decide how she can best be loved, not you coming over and saying, I'm going to rescue you.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  And probably she's gonna say, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.

• 33:01Dr. John Delony?

  And that's, it's hard to keep waiting through that. And that's what love looks like. I'm gonna keep waiting through it. Hmm. Okay. Wow. Okay.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna make you a breakfast and then I'm gonna disappear for a while.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  Or I'm gonna bring you bagels and coffee. That's your favorite thing. I don't know what her favorite thing is, but I'm gonna bring that to you. And I'm gonna come back the next day or at 5:00 PM. And it's gonna be uneaten on the counter. And I'm not gonna immediately go, I screwed up.

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Because it might never have been about the bagels. It might have been a tiny glimmer of light in the darkness that that guy shows up for me. That's what I needed. More than the bagel. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Guys are really task oriented and problem solving centric. And this...

• 33:48Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say it this way. The thing she might need more than anything else in the world is you.

• 33:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Not your solutions, not your advice, not your stuff. Yeah, yeah. It might need to be that there's a steady anchored presence in my life, even if he's not right next to me. Okay. And most men really have a hard time believing they're enough without their advice or their solutions. Hmm. Okay.

• 34:19Dr. John Delony?

  How does that resonate?

• 34:23Dr. John Delony?

  That's, it's really helpful.

• 34:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, cuz, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me tell you this, brother. Yeah, I did. Yeah, okay. You're a, um... And this is for the men listening. And this is for the women listening who have men in their lives. Men are told, you need to go in guns a-blazin', swords drawn,

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  to protect and provide. And I like that. I like, I do believe that men need to be ferocious when they need to be.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  But often protect and provide in the modern context where women are earning, women have economic viability, there's medical support systems, there's all sorts of other contexts that have never existed before. Sometimes often protect and provide means I'm gonna protect your space. I'm gonna provide boundaries for you.

• 35:21Dr. John Delony?

  Not answers. Protection looks like I'm gonna make sure that our buddies don't reach out to you when you just tell me you need a night or a weekend off. I'll send the text message, not I'm gonna come in and with swords drawn.

• 35:39Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a, that's a different, it's a, it's nurturing, it's caring, and it's a new way of, of being masculine in the 21st century. It's a both and. Can we hold that tension of, I could go in there swords drawn, and the thing that we need right now is silence. The thing we need right now is rooted presence. The thing that we need right now is me.

• 36:03Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a shift, that's a skill set men need to learn moving forward, and especially with somebody who's hurting. And bravo to her for going to get the care she needs, bravo to you for wanting to love her the best way possible. This is amazing. This is awesome. This is how relationships are gonna move forward in the 21st century. It's awesome. She's lucky to have you, brother. But it's you saying, okay, I've got this one skill set, and it will serve my buddies. It will serve me, but right now she needs something different, and let's all sit down and discuss that.

• 36:33Dr. John Delony?

  Well done, man. You call me anytime. I love talking to guys like you who wanna get this thing right, and not just force their will. You wanna get this right because you love her. It's awesome. And if she ever wants to call, you wanna call in together to solve a particular problem, man, call me anytime. I love it. Proud of you, brother. When we come back, a man asks how to resolve deep-seated anger issues now that he's got a newborn. We'll be right back.

• 37:00Dr. John Delony?

  Let me tell you about Hallow, the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. My life can be chaotic. I'm a speaker, I'm a writer, I'm a dad, I'm a husband, and I do this show. I can get unhinged, and that's why I listen to the Daily Gospel on Hallow almost every morning in the car on the way into the office. Helps me pause, breathe, and let the words settle in. It's one of those non-negotiable starts to my day. It's a reset button for my head and my heart. And then at night, when my brain's still spinning, sometimes I'll put on one of Hallow's Meditations are a nighttime devotional. Things slow down and it helps me quit fighting my own thoughts. Hallow has daily devotionals thoughtful meditations about prayer and leading a spiritual life all in one place.

• 37:42Dr. John Delony?

  It's the stuff that helps me pause and reflect instead of just reacting to everything. Bottom line, Hallow helps me make space for peace and I need that. You need that. We all do. If you want to start your day in a new way, check out Hallow. Right now, when you sign up at hallow.com/deloney, you'll get three months for free. That's Hallow, H A L L O W dot com slash Deloney for three full months of the app for free.

• 38:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Let's talk to Brother Scott. What's up, Scott?

• 38:13Speaker 03

  Hey, John, how's it going?

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, man. How are you?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Doing great, doing great. Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the call.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man, I'm grateful you're calling in. What's going on, brother?

• 38:24Speaker 03

  Um, so I recently had a newborn within the past two months and I'm starting to realize that the anger issues I thought were gone are still, um, still with me and I really need to get them resolved so I don't pass them on to him going forward.

• 38:43Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I would high five you and hug you if you were here. This is how family trees change, brother. I like you see it and you recognize it and you think not he needs to fix his nine month old self, but I got some work as a grown man to do. Good on you, brother. That's awesome, dude. Um, all right. So, under the framework that anger points us to something that we care about that should be a certain way that it's not.

• 39:10Dr. John Delony?

  What is your anger protecting you from? What is it sensing in the world that isn't as things should be?

• 39:18Speaker 03

  Um.

• 39:18Dr. John Delony?

  Because I don't think anger is a bad thing.

• 39:21Speaker 03

  No, I, I think a lot of it is, uh, I'm a control freak.

• 39:25Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, there we go. Okay.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  This is so when I, when I can't control somebody else's feelings or like I feel like my son has everything taken care of and I, he still is upset and still is unsettled. I get, uh, I can just feel it in my hands and I clench my jaw that, uh, I just wanted to be, I want him to be settled and, uh,

• 39:51Speaker 03

  I guess be be taken care of it, if that makes sense.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and he's two months old?

• 39:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, two months.

• 39:56Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, he he he has one thing going on through his nervous system, right? By the way, he's he's a nervous system, that's all he is.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:03Dr. John Delony?

  You ever had a tooth that you had you had pulled?

• 40:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, definitely.

• 40:07Dr. John Delony?

  He's that. An exposed nerve, that's all he is.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 40:10Dr. John Delony?

  And all this nerve wants is mom, food, warmth, sleep.

• 40:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:16Dr. John Delony?

  That's it.

• 40:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:20Dr. John Delony?

  And the I dude, you're giving me flashbacks. I've never felt more powerless in my life than when I could not comfort my young son.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:30Dr. John Delony?

  And when I feel powerless, I feel shamed, I feel like a loser, I feel like a total bum.

• 40:37Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 40:38Dr. John Delony?

  What kind of loser can't comfort his screaming, crying, two month old, six month old, nine month old?

• 40:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's definitely a tough place to be because I like I can't. I mean, I can feed him, but my wife is breastfeeding, so she's she's feeding him and I I'm just kind of there to be the diaper changer and

• 40:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  hurt man and it's about all I can offer, unfortunately.

• 41:02Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so I'm gonna be a um, a buddy at the bar for a second and go, yep, that's it. For a long time, okay, but also that's not helpful. So let me ask you.

• 41:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:14Dr. John Delony?

  Where in your life

• 41:17Dr. John Delony?

  have you been told you were not enough?

• 41:21Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  God, I

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  My guess is for a long time.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, I I tend to be a people pleaser.

• 41:32Dr. John Delony?

  How come?

• 41:34Dr. John Delony?

  When was the first time you realized, not that I am a people pleaser, but I have to be one?

• 41:39Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 41:44Speaker 03

  That's tough, um.

• 41:46Dr. John Delony?

  Which one of your parents, if not both of them, was were you responsible for making sure they didn't get mad?

• 41:57Speaker 03

  He was, uh, pretty emotionally unavailable.

• 42:00Dr. John Delony?

  Your dad?

• 42:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, my dad.

• 42:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:07Dr. John Delony?

  And so how did, how did you get his attention?

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  I guess, I don't know. I, I didn't really ever get his attention, if that's what you're asking. He was not really around. He worked a lot and, and when he was home, he was in his own world, I guess.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  And, I don't know, I was kinda, I'm the youngest of four, so I was kinda left to my own devices.

• 42:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  But.

• 42:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so the way you reassured your tiny little nervous system that you were safe was either I'm gonna be unnoticed, that's the safest place for me, or I'm gonna go get straight A's,

• 42:55Dr. John Delony?

  or I'm going to fold everything exactly perfectly.

• 43:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  And all, all I'm looking for is a scrap of emotional connection. Maybe it's the eyebrow raise. Maybe it's a pat on the head.

• 43:13Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe it's the, oh, good. Or maybe it's the, ah, you didn't screw that up.

• 43:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:25Dr. John Delony?

  And that type of, you learned at a really young age, your emotions don't matter. Shut them down.

• 43:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm learning as a 30-year-old man that I actually do have emotions and feelings.

• 43:41Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 43:41Speaker 03

  And I'm trying to.

• 43:43Dr. John Delony?

  And they come out in a, like shaking up a two-liter bottle.

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  They come out enraged for a two-month-old.

• 43:54Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're getting your self-story reconfirmed that I can't even do this one right. I couldn't get it with my dad. And now I'm doing it again. Yeah. In a strange, in a strange, this is gonna sound weird, and if you and I had a couple of hours together, um, I would dig into this more. But there's two stories you can tell about your dad. One is, he felt that same level of anger and rage. And the greatest gift he knew to give you guys was to unplug. Yeah. Because he didn't want to pass it on.

• 44:34Dr. John Delony?

  And there's a weird, there's a weird type of compassion I would have for somebody. That would open his toolkit, and there's literally no tools there. And so he just unplugged the machine to keep it from burning down. What a lonely, scary, frustrating place for our dads, right? And the challenge for you, like the change your family tree is, how can I, and this is gonna sound crazy, how can I grow to believe that my son won the lottery with me as his dad?

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  Not by what I can do in this particular moment, but because there's a roof over his head, because I love his mother recklessly. Because I know that right now, he doesn't even have a cognitive thought in his mind. And I'm gonna honor, and, and you, you may have heard me talk to another caller, protecting and providing right now is, I'm gonna provide space for this little bundle of nerves and his mom to have a really special time together. Yeah. What a gift I can give them. And that's where I'm gonna find purpose and value right now.

• 46:04Dr. John Delony?

  Let me put it this way, if you don't think you're worth much, you're not gonna find worth out there.

• 46:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:12Speaker 03

  How do I, I guess, find worth around the house? Cause I, I tend to overwork myself at work and then come home and I guess do the same thing he did, just kind of unplug and just kind of be alone or sit on my phone too much. How do I try to balance going from just diving into work and then doing the same thing, I guess?

• 46:45Dr. John Delony?

  It's completely throwing away, wadding up and throwing away the word balance.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 46:52Dr. John Delony?

  It's a, it's a, it's a fantasy, it's not real.

• 46:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:56Dr. John Delony?

  And the trap I fell into, and as I've traveled the country, I do most of my public speaking with businesses and most of my behind closed doors stuff with business leaders.

• 47:08Dr. John Delony?

  Men, the baby comes home the first time and they realize, or they tell themselves a story, "I'm useless here. I don't know how to do the diapers right. I don't get the bottle just the right temperature. I don't know what I'm doing here."

• 47:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  And so home becomes a failure factory.

• 47:27Dr. John Delony?

  And good men, and you can drink it away, you can internet pornography it away, you can start like texting a coworker on the side, you can do that. Most of the men I talk to, they do the one thing they know they can do that makes them feel like they're helping the family, which is go work more. "I'm no good here. I'll go there where I can make some more money and I can at least contribute that way."

• 47:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And then when you walk inside of a failure factory, it makes perfect sense that your body's like, dude, we gotta numb out here. And in the past, that was a bunch of beers. Now it's just these stupid phones that we have. We, it's a portal to another world. We can just sit in our own couch and escape to another planet. Yeah. The problem is our kids register that nervous system detachment, the same as with alcohol. There's a body right here, but they're not here. Hmm. Right? Yeah. And so the challenge is the, the, the, the next right masculine move, if you will, is I feel useless.

• 48:39Dr. John Delony?

  My body's giving me a signal that this, how I'm a failure here. And intellectually, I know this is not true, so I'm gonna go do the next right thing. And for me, that is leaving my social media phone in the car, because I can't control it. For me, it's asking my wife, I need a list of things to be, that I can help you with in this home. Yeah. Okay. And I want to be picking up my infant son and comforting him, and I want that smile. That's not here yet. It will come, and bro, it will come in like a tsunami, and it will be the greatest thing ever.

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  And that will come with its own set of challenges. Yeah. Because you're gonna want, like, you've got pictures of y'all playing baseball together or whatever, or drawing together, whatever, and your kid's gonna have exactly opposite things, right? It's just part of it. Definitely. Um, but powerful displays of masculine strength in your situation might be washing all the dishes and make sure those bottles are completely clean and ready to rock and roll. Okay. I don't know what that means. It's you sitting down with your wife saying,

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  I want to feel like I have a purpose here and I'm out of my depths. I never babysat as a kid. I never changed a diaper as a kid. This is all new to me. And so I'm going to ask you to give me a roadmap for the best way I can love you right now in the next, for the next 30 days. By the way, in month three, you're going to have a totally new kid. Month six, you'll have a radically new kid.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:18Dr. John Delony?

  It changes so fast. And so you and your wife are going to turn in, it's going to become one of your favorite games, which is not games, but your favorite get to know yous is, how can I love you right now? How can I love you right now?

• 50:31Speaker 03

  And just asking that every day, how can I love you right now?

• 50:34Dr. John Delony?

  How can I love you right now? And, and there's going to be bigger pictures and this is very un-Hollywood. Everything about Hollywood says you should just magically know. And she might feel like, oh, now I'm a mother of two, two men, a little, two little boys. My husband doesn't even know what to do. Hopefully she has deep compassion and she says, man, I got a guy stepping up here.

• 50:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:59Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't even know all the stuff.

• 51:04Dr. John Delony?

  And that's my hope that she'll treat you like that.

• 51:08Speaker 03

  I think she will. I think so.

• 51:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm confident she will. But your anger brother is not wrong.

• 51:15Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 51:16Dr. John Delony?

  It's the next right. Are you going to numb it out?

• 51:18Speaker 03

  No, definitely not.

• 51:20Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have a group of guys you can go meet with and hang out with once a week? Are you regularly engaged in the failure factory, which is super frustrating?

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, I'll have to, I have a group of guys I can talk to, but I'll have to get them together more often.

• 51:36Dr. John Delony?

  It just becomes an intentionality.

• 51:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:40Dr. John Delony?

  And bro, I have it wired into me. The nights my wife went back, she taught night, she was graduate, teaching graduate school, she'd teach at night and it was three hours of total hell. I could not make my son stop screaming. And I felt like such a failure, man.

• 51:58Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. It's tough.

• 52:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 52:03Speaker 03

  Definitely tough.

• 52:05Dr. John Delony?

  And now I realize I wasn't. I was there. I kept showing up.

• 52:11Dr. John Delony?

  And you kept showing up and you keep showing up and you don't do it right and you learn.

• 52:17Dr. John Delony?

  It's seeing those numbing devices, whether it's your phone, whether it's pornography, whether it's whatever, and you're saying, "I'm gonna stay in this discomfort." Because it's only a season.

• 52:27Speaker 03

  So at this point, it's just showing up as the, uh, the best, um, plan of attack.

• 52:35Dr. John Delony?

  But showing up with a plan, not just showing up because you're gonna feel that, you'll feel like a bump on a log and that will just perpetuate.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  Showing up with a plan. Makes sense.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  And in being honest about, like at work, people come to you for the plan. "What do we do next?" And you're like, "I got this." Walking into this season and saying, "I don't know what the next right move is. Can we co-create a plan for the next 30 days?"

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  And then putting it on the calendar for January. Can we co-create a plan here? Putting one on the calendar for February. Can we co-create a plan here?

• 53:12Speaker 03

  Oh, that sounds good. Thank you. I appreciate it.

• 53:16Dr. John Delony?

  Do me a favor, would you?

• 53:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:20Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write two letters, okay?

• 53:22Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:22Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write one letter to seven-year-old you.

• 53:27Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to close your eyes and go to the end of your driveway and picture your dad, whatever car he was driving back then, picture him leaving again.

• 53:38Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to go through that exercise of watching your little seven-year-old self run to the end of the driveway as he's pulling out and driving off, not even waving to you.

• 53:49Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write that little boy a letter

• 53:53Dr. John Delony?

  that starts with, "Dear Scott, you're a good kid."

• 54:03Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:03Dr. John Delony?

  And then the second letter is not on the same day, but maybe a week or two later, I want you to write a letter to your seven-year-old son.

• 54:14Dr. John Delony?

  And let him know that this generational avoidance, this generational anger ends here.

• 54:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:27Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the things I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go see a counselor. I'm gonna check in with your mom every day, cuz I'm gonna love her crazy like. And I don't even have a picture of what that looks like cuz my dad just left.

• 54:40Dr. John Delony?

  But the greatest gift I can give my son is to love his mother to the moon and back. Watch this.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:50Dr. John Delony?

  And then be about it.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, definitely.

• 54:53Dr. John Delony?

  Game on?

• 54:54Speaker 03

  Game on.

• 54:55Dr. John Delony?

  You're a good dad, my brother.

• 54:57Speaker 03

  Thank you, I appreciate it.

• 55:00Dr. John Delony?

  This is how the generations are gonna change, my man.

• 55:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:04Dr. John Delony?

  Right here. It's an honor to talk to you, man. You call me back anytime.

• 55:10Dr. John Delony?

  God almighty, I love talking to dads who wanna get this thing right. Men, listening to this.

• 55:17Dr. John Delony?

  Go to the mirror this evening, when you're all by yourself, and look in the mirror, put both hands on the cat on your bathroom counter, and look in the mirror directly in your own eyes, and say the words.

• 55:29Dr. John Delony?

  "I love this guy."

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  And starting today, we're gonna do the next right hard thing. And it might be getting down off the video game controllers. It might be asking our wives, "How can I love you right now?" It might be sitting down with our teenage kids and saying, "Hey, I screwed this up. I'm sorry. This changes with me." It might be any number of things.

• 55:51Dr. John Delony?

  But it starts with you recognizing that dad didn't show up cuz there was something going on with him, not you. That mom was ugly and rude and drank too much, not because you weren't a good enough kid.

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  And, not by your hand, but in your lap, now as an adult, I don't care what your attachment style is, I don't care what your Enneagram number is, I don't care about any of that crap. What are you going to do next? To turn and face this thing?

• 56:20Dr. John Delony?

  So that your kids grow up knowing,

• 56:25Dr. John Delony?

  come hell or high water, I'm loved.

• 56:29Dr. John Delony?

  Game on dads. I'm in this with you. We'll be right back.

• 56:35Dr. John Delony?

  Me and my family have three wild dogs and we love them. And when the dogs are not okay, really nobody in the house is okay. Everything gets thrown off when a pet gets sick and we can't get the help that we need. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service that gives you 24/7 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere. Get this, no waiting rooms, no, we can see you in three weeks, just real help, real fast. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions. And with about a 10 minute call from your home, you can be on your way to a treatment plan for your pet. And here's the best part, Dutch is super affordable.

• 57:19Dr. John Delony?

  A Dutch membership covers up to five pets and it includes unlimited visits, unlimited follow-ups, and prescriptions shipped for free. With my code, all of this is less than seven bucks a month. You'll spend more than that just walking into a veterinarian's office one time. The average pet owner saves over $800 a year with Dutch. Good grief, 800 bucks a year. That's good for your animals, your wallet, and your peace of mind. Go to dutch.com/daloni and use code DALONI to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's D U T C H, dutch.com/daloni and use code DALONI. See site for more details.

• 58:01Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly 1.0, full denim. What's up?

• 58:05Speaker 04

  I'm just calling this out because I know I'm gonna get relentless crap for it from you. So let's just get it over with.

• 58:11Dr. John Delony?

  I never give you crap.

• 58:14Dr. John Delony?

  That probably wasn't true.

• 58:14Speaker 04

  You're gonna lie this close to Christmas?

• 58:16Dr. John Delony?

  That probably wasn't true.

• 58:17Speaker 04

  You're gonna make Jesus sad for his birthday.

• 58:18Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, Jesus Duke.

• 58:21Speaker 04

  I know that you know that I had to get a scooter. So just let it just come on.

• 58:30Dr. John Delony?

  I have deep compassion for people with special needs.

• 58:34Dr. John Delony?

  I do. I spent my whole career working with people's special needs. The fact that you, because here's what I know. I know how hard it was for you to get a scooter.

• 58:44Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're a very proud denim wearing woman.

• 58:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so I applaud you for getting the help that you need. And good on you. Beep beep. Good on you.

• 58:58Speaker 04

  Okay, let me.

• 58:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, when you back up, does it go beep beep?

• 59:01Speaker 04

  No, thank God it doesn't.

• 59:02Dr. John Delony?

  Now, that would be awesome.

• 59:03Speaker 04

  So for those who don't know, I had knee surgery 10 days ago.

• 59:07Dr. John Delony?

  And she's four Percocets in this morning.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  Oh, God, I wish I was. I wish I was. It ended up being a much more intensive surgery when they got in there. There was a lot more damage. And so it's not gone quite as smoothly as I. It was like, oh, be out crutches for a week. That's what I was told and then go live my life. Not so much. And I'm gonna be out crutches for like four to six weeks and three months of therapy.

• 59:31Dr. John Delony?

  I did see you run into the wall the other day with your scooter.

• 59:33Speaker 04

  You did not. You haven't even.

• 59:35Dr. John Delony?

  I have. I've seen it. You should see how much, how much I love you. I didn't say anything.

• 59:40Speaker 04

  No, but it's coming. So I'm just like, let's just.

• 59:43Dr. John Delony?

  Nope, I've got, I'm proud of you for getting, I know how hard that, when the guy was like, well, I could get you a scooter. I can imagine being in there and you going, oh, God.

• 59:51Speaker 04

  Well, it happened so Sunday night I was home and I was, so I'm finally to the point now where it's not pain, but it aches and I have this huge metal brace on and it's super heavy and I can't put any weight on it. And I was looking at my calendar for the next week. Very unlike me, started crying and my husband was like, what's wrong? I said, it's, we have a big building here for those that don't know. We have a very big building and it's my desk to here to the other, like after, when I leave here after this, I have to go to the, we have another building. And it's just back and forth. I was like, I can't make, I am late to everything because it takes me so long to get anywhere. And he's like, you know what you're gonna have to do? And I was like, oh, hell no. No, I don't. Uh-uh, not doing it. Yeah.

• 1:00:33Speaker 04

  And then finally I was like, I can't function five days a week, eight hours a day here, like, you know, doing that. And so, but I will say, our team has had a lot of fun because that sucker moves.

• 1:00:45Speaker 04

  It is quick.

• 1:00:46Dr. John Delony?

  Move, Kelly, get out the way.

• 1:00:47Speaker 04

  And so it's, she's gonna get decorated for Christmas and yeah.

• 1:00:52Dr. John Delony?

  I like you've already given her a gender.

• 1:00:54Speaker 04

  Oh, it's, of course she's a she. Come on.

• 1:00:59Dr. John Delony?

  Oh man, I just had three jokes in my mind that I didn't make and I want everyone to know I'm maturing in real time here. No, I'm glad you're getting better. I won't make fun of you. I'm happy for you. Because I know this, I know that nobody wants to be in a scooter less than you.

• 1:01:15Speaker 04

  Oh, God has tried to teach me some lessons with this whole knee thing.

• 1:01:19Dr. John Delony?

  He tried to teach you lessons with me and that has not worked.

• 1:01:22Speaker 04

  Oh, some have been learned. Some lessons have been learned, but like having to actually ask people, "Hey, can you grab this for me? Can you do this for me?"

• 1:01:28Dr. John Delony?

  It's the best. It's the best. You're just clicking that Demerol drip. Beep. Ah, I don't want to feel. You'll be back in action soon and for everybody listening, this just reduces the amount of kicks I have to receive from her because she's always kicking.

• 1:01:43Speaker 04

  Now I can hit you with my crutches.

• 1:01:45Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you've already done that.

• 1:01:46Speaker 04

  And by the way, I will be on the dance floor in my scooter at the Christmas party, so just prepare.

• 1:01:54Dr. John Delony?

  That's a sight you can't unseen, America. Love you guys. Bye.

• 1:01:58Speaker 04

  He goes, "I'll be right back" and he went and got the camera for the end of the year video to get me on it for...

• 1:02:06Dr. John Delony?

  That thing is flying. He's gonna crash.

• 1:02:12Speaker 04

  I'm gonna have to save that.

• 1:02:26Dr. John Delony?

  Hey Kelly, I figured it out. Check this out. You can do this.

• 1:02:31Speaker 05

  Oh yes, it's got a sad little horn.

• 1:02:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's a horn?

• 1:02:35Speaker 05

  That's my horn.

• 1:02:40Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the Money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com/getaway.