Should We Let Our 13-Year-Old Daughter Date?

On today’s episode, we hear about: A husband who disagrees with his wife about how to parent their daughter A woman wondering how to stop being codependent with her son A woman struggling to tell her mom about her son’s autism diagnosis Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  My wife and I are on separate pages when it comes to what we allow in our daughter's life. She's 13 and my wife feels like it's okay for a 16-year-old boy to pursue her and want to be with her and...

• 0:20Dr. John Delony?

  And want to be with her? What does that even mean?

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What in the world's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm a real guy with a real family, trying to figure it out along with the rest of you. For the last two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people as they try to figure out what's the next right move. And I'm glad that you've joined us. Now, that's what this show is. It's real people calling in from all over the planet, talking about what's going on in their life and their marriages and their mental, emotional health, relationships with their kids, whatever they got going on. Pull up a seat and we figure out what's the next right move. Thanks for joining us. Let's go out to Birmingham, Alabama and talk to Jorge. What's up, George?

• 1:09Speaker 00

  Hey, how you doing?

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How about you, man?

• 1:13Speaker 00

  I'm pretty good.

• 1:14Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on, dude?

• 1:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, I have a question. By the way, huge fan. Thank you for the work that you do.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  I appreciate that, man. Thank you.

• 1:24Speaker 00

  So, my wife and I are on separate pages when it comes to what we allow in our daughter's life. For example, the biggest thing right now is who she's able to, who she's able to date. She's 13. And...

• 1:43Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  My wife, yeah, my wife feels like it's okay for a 16-year-old boy to...

• 1:53Speaker 00

  Pursue her and and wanna be with her and vice versa.

• 1:57Dr. John Delony?

  And wanna be with her? What does that even mean?

• 2:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, like, uh, you know, whatever boyfriend and girlfriend looks like these days and and so she feels like it could be really good with the boundary set, allowing her to experience life. And I come from, I still think that she's period too young to be having a boyfriend, let alone somebody that's, you know, three years older. And it doesn't matter how much I try to partner with her on this, it always turns into a huge fight, something that we can never see eye to eye on. Um, and then I'm always ending up to be the bad guy. And so I don't know how to approach this conversation.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Our upbringings were very different. You know, I had a little longer leash and now I'm, because of my experiences, I'm saying, hey, I think we need to keep this closer to the chest. Where, um, she was in a much more controlled environment and wasn't allowed to do a whole lot. And so she wants to let that leash out a little bit further. So I would love your expertise in this.

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I've I've got some, uh, uh, about the specifics, man, I've got some really firm thoughts.

• 3:16Dr. John Delony?

  But I want to back out because I think this is an important issue and I'm going to address it head on. Comes to 13 year olds dating, especially dating 16 year olds. If you're watching this, you could have seen my face when you were when you were laying it out for me. But I want to back out a little bit, okay? Where else are y'all at odds in your marriage?

• 3:42Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. Tell me about that.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Uh, I don't know if you have enough time.

• 3:51Dr. John Delony?

  Um.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  The last, the last five years, about five years ago, uh, she had mentioned, well, not mentioned, but she told me that, you know, she was done in the marriage for a lot, for quite a few reasons. Um, and so through the last five years, just been, she hasn't left, um, thank the Lord. She's still a part of this family and we're trying to work things out. More recently, she's had some revelation in that area. Um, and uh, well, let's just say we're both on, on different thought processes on how

• 4:36Speaker 00

  much childhood plays into present day. And I'm, I'm a firm believer, believer that our, our childhood has a huge role in who we are and how we operate. And so just knowing a lot of her childhood, um, I believe is playing a big role in even how she's approaching her daughter's relationship. You know, she didn't have a very great relationship with her, her parents growing up, um, especially her mom. So she's always dreamed of having this amazing like friendship parenting relationship with her daughter.

• 5:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yikes.

• 5:15Speaker 00

  Um.

• 5:16Dr. John Delony?

  So where, where are y'all two struggling?

• 5:20Dr. John Delony?

  Everywhere?

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, we.

• 5:25Dr. John Delony?

  Or let me be concrete because I'm throwing amorphous things at you. Are you all on the same page with how y'all spend money?

• 5:31Speaker 00

  No.

• 5:32Dr. John Delony?

  Are you all on the same page with your sex life?

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 5:36Dr. John Delony?

  Are you all on the same page with when she walks in the door, your shoulders drop because you're glad she's home and vice versa?

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Uh, I am.

• 5:45Dr. John Delony?

  Uh.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. I, I think, I, I, I do see that changing.

• 5:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:53Speaker 00

  Somewhat. It, it's, like I said, I don't, there's not enough time on this. Like, it, it's really hard because to be, to be very honest.

• 6:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, just put it out there, man.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:06Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I get a hundred percent that you love your wife. Nothing you say is gonna change that, but also I want to own reality of the situation you're in right now. Okay?

• 6:14Speaker 00

  And I, and I had, like, and I've five years of counseling, seen multiple therapists and, you know, just really lots of books, podcasts, just really, that's why I'm a huge fan of the show. There's so much that I have learned and continue to learn. My faith is a huge part of also how I lead my family and, and how I love my wife. All that to say with boundaries, right? And so, um, you know, I, what I am seeing really is this fifteen year old girl that's trapped, um, whatever, whatever has triggered that over the last several years. And I don't think it's just been the last five. I think it's been for

• 6:54Speaker 00

  many more years than that because it wasn't, that girl was never able to grow up or experience or whatever. I see a lot of that, like, just continue to come out. And so.

• 7:07Dr. John Delony?

  She's, she's re-experiencing it because she has.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Right.

• 7:11Dr. John Delony?

  A daughter in the house, right?

• 7:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. And doing that with my daughter. And so there's like, even when it comes to dating and being with these guys, those, those boundaries, that control that's put in place there, you see a lot of her kind of living through that weather. I mean, she would never agree to that statement, but really that's, that's what's happening. And even when we have those conversations about my daughter and this, as an example, you see a lot of that, um, teenager fight with a parent, you know, it's, it's, it's very much there. And so I also recognize that that's also at play. I have, we have other children in the home as well. And, and so.

• 7:56Speaker 00

  Like I said, there's, there's just a lot of things that I've had to work through. And so recently she went, um, on this trip, conference, came back with some new revelation about just where she's at and where some of this has come from. And, you know, some of the things have been about looking at me being too controlling or too manipulative or too emotionally abusive or, or whatever. And I know a lot of that comes from that lens as well. Um, but with that, she's recognizing that, man, I have played a part in that, that I'm, that I'm not a victim, right?

• 8:34Dr. John Delony?

  She has played, she's played a part in co-creating the house she lives in?

• 8:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And, and, and when you grow up like she, it sounds like she did. And obviously you want to be respectful because she's not on the phone. But with how you're telling her story, any, any instance of you stepping in to be supportive, to create values in your house, to make wise choices, if her lens, if the glasses she is experiencing her life in and seeing her life unfold as an adult, with a, with a young girl in her home, then you become her dad. So everything that you do is tinged with trying to control, not love, trying to emotionally abusive, not holding boundaries, right? So it can be a lens that she experiences everything through.

• 9:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I'm not, I'm not removed from fault.

• 9:26Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you're not perfect.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  I am a very sarcastic guy.

• 9:29Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, of course.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  And I've learned, you know, God brought her into my life to teach me how to let some of that go. I totally get that. But that lens is still very much the reality. And, and so like with this particular instance,

• 9:47Speaker 00

  anytime I raise my hand, I've tried different approaches rather than just a hard no, um, looking at.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Partnership and really trying to get her to see that. And the problem is, is like when I, when I go to people get opinions, you know, I throw a situation out there. I feel like those conversations are being brought before, you know, mature adults that have worked through life that maybe have been parents before, therapists or whatever. Well, she says the same thing and it's hard for me. I know, I know that that's not true. And even if it is true, the people she's talking to obviously, you know, have not walked through that or they're not of the same mindset.

• 10:35Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Well, I, so my, my, my 30,000 foot concern here is that your teenage daughter is going to be the proxy war that your marriage is, that she's going to become the battlefield that you fight for your marriage upon.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:51Dr. John Delony?

  And she can't carry that weight.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so the deeper, harder conversation, which sounds like you've been wrestling with for half a decade or more is how do we co-create a world where we're both seen and we're both known and we're both celebrated on a regular basis and those things provide an opportunity for us to challenge each other.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:18Dr. John Delony?

  And that has to be the focus here. And I get obviously like, I mean, I take calls from all over the planet. I was just on the phone with business leaders doing marriage coaching behind closed door. Like I get that also, that's not how it works, right?

• 11:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  There's one spouse that's in a different path, right? In a different part of their, their, their life, re-experiencing things, trying to re-correct things through their, their kids or through their work or through their sex life, whatever it is, and it becomes just a mess. Um, so I, I get the pickle you're in and I also have some compassion for your wife saying, I, I think the way to stop, I can imagine her feeling in her nervous system. The way for me to change, change my family tree is to simply bulldoze every boundary that I felt hemmed in by as a child.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:11Dr. John Delony?

  The problem is y'all's daughter is going to be a casualty of that.

• 12:19Dr. John Delony?

  And so with, with no hesitation, like with no quiver or doubt in my mind, after spending my entire career working with teenagers and their parents, and having a 15-year-old and a nine-year-old in my house, there's no chance, no way, in any shape, form, or fashion would I let my 13-year-old son date a 16-year-old girl, or let my 13-year-old daughter date a 16-year-old boy? No chance, no how, no way. It's not fair to the 16-year-old, it's super, super not fair to the 13-year-old. Like, period, end of story, point blank. Yeah.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so, and I would even back out and say, I mean, the question I would ask her if she was on the phone is, like, what do you think you missed out on as a 13-year-old that you're gonna solve by putting her in the arms of a 16-year-old boy? Or what experiences do you think you're quote-unquote "robbing" her from, or, or "holding" her back from, instead of protecting her from? And again, I'd have this exact same conversation if your 13-year-old, your eighth-grade boy, was being pursued by a sophomore or junior in high school. Yeah. All right?

• 13:41Dr. John Delony?

  And I can just tell you the rules in my house, which are, nobody goes on a date, a one-on-one date until they're 16, period, end of story. That's the baseline. Now, my son is in high school, he's gone to dances with groups of people, he goes to the movies with groups of people. I want to, with, like you said, with boundaries, teach socialization, but there's no way I would put a 13-year-old in that situation.

• 14:14Dr. John Delony?

  Like, like, under, like, under zero circumstances.

• 14:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  And I, and I guess the hard part for you is you know that, right?

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:25Dr. John Delony?

  And this is becoming the proxy war by with the, which the disconnection in your marriage is being fought.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, cuz she'll even, she'll even say, like, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with, you know, my, my daughter, and then I'm walking on eggshells with you, and I can't win. And they said, well, we can win if we come at this together.

• 14:47Dr. John Delony?

  Correct. We're not, we're not, we're not competing with our 13-year-old, ever.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  Right. She's, she's a child, and so we, we make those rules. We make the guidelines. We come together. It's not like, well, if me and her do this thing, is it gonna upset dad? It should never be about that.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely not. And, and more importantly, 13-year-olds are supposed to be mad at their parents.

• 15:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:11Dr. John Delony?

  18-year-olds are supposed to be mad at their parents. That's part of the gig.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so if parenting is trying to avoid a teenager not being mad at you or not liking you, what a, what a scary place for that teenager to find themselves, that they are responsible for the emotional response of the adults in their home.

• 15:34Dr. John Delony?

  And more importantly, how terrifying for a 13-year-old or a 16-year-old to realize, I can control the adults in my life.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:46Dr. John Delony?

  That is a terrifying weapon that a teenager, a child, would find themselves in.

• 15:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, I, without digging into, I mean, it sounds like you've been on a path, man, and it sounds like your wife is on a path.

• 16:03Dr. John Delony?

  I would have to talk to both of you to sit down and give you some guidance on what I, you know, here's where I think y'all's next steps are together.

• 16:16Dr. John Delony?

  But man, somebody's gotta step up and protect that 13-year-old girl.

• 16:21Dr. John Delony?

  Somebody's gotta step up and protect that 16-year-old boy from himself.

• 16:28Dr. John Delony?

  And, yeah, that, I mean, I think you knew what I was gonna say, but, um, that's, that's where I stand on this whole thing. But brother, thank you for the call, man. I'm, I'm fully Team George on this one, man. And my hope is you'll continue to treat your wife with dignity and respect as she tries to wrestle with this. And at the same time, lovingly and firmly saying, dude, I remember being a 16-year-old boy. This is, this is bad news all around.

• 16:57Dr. John Delony?

  Bad news all around. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. Sorry, I don't feel like I helped very much, but I appreciate the call. We come back, a woman asks how to break codependency with her 15-year-old kid.

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• 17:57Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:36Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:03Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Toronto, Ontario and talk to Brooke. What's up, Brooke?

• 20:09Speaker 02

  Hi, thanks for taking my call. I'm super nervous and I just want to say thank you. Your show has got me through a lot of chaotic times, so I really appreciate talking to you today.

• 20:19Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's a blessing that you called. I'm really grateful for you. Thank you so, so much. What's up?

• 20:23Speaker 02

  Thank you. Um, sometimes my brain gets scattered, so I'll be right back.

• 20:28Dr. John Delony?

  I have no idea what that is like, so you're on your own on this one.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  You keep me, I keep me dialed in here. I'm wondering how I can break the generational cycle of codependency that I'm unintentionally recreating with my, he's almost 16-year-old son while still giving him a strong sense of stability and security.

• 20:55Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, what a powerful question.

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  It's a great question. I wish more parents asked that question.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 21:04Dr. John Delony?

  That's a, that's a scary question to ask, right?

• 21:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm terrified.

• 21:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Alright, so tell me, what, what's the most recent thing that happened that when you went to your room and closed the door, you thought, oh man, I'm doing it again?

• 21:18Speaker 02

  Um, I, I have three sons and it's, I can put boundaries up with the younger two sons and my eldest son, I just give him a pass or um, if he gets upset, then I feel like my body just goes into like an anxious freezing. So I can't even parent and I, I don't like that. I can't do what I need to do as a parent for him. I think it's probably because of my insecurities, things that our family's gone through.

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. Are you a single parent? Are you married?

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Um, I divorced his father about five and a half years ago, remarried two years ago.

• 22:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:09Speaker 02

  Um, I am still um, regularly dealing with post separation abuse from his father, which probably plays into this.

• 22:21Dr. John Delony?

  It, it, it does. And I want to go back to one single word that you gave me. Okay?

• 22:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 22:29Dr. John Delony?

  And it sounds like even in this short minute and a half or two minutes, we've been on the phone together, we already have a different set of beliefs. Okay? You ready?

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:41Dr. John Delony?

  You told me the word, I can't.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 22:46Dr. John Delony?

  And I think I believe in you already more than you believe in yourself.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you.

• 23:03Dr. John Delony?

  Because I think you can.

• 23:08Dr. John Delony?

  How much guilt do you have? Did you file for divorce to get yourself out of an unsafe abusive relationship?

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Uh, yes, I did.

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  And...

• 23:19Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, you don't even have to apologize, you don't have to say nothing. I'm with you.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:23Dr. John Delony?

  You did the right thing.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  Okay. Thank you. And at that time, I didn't realize it till at the time of the divorce, when I was trying to, um, stand up on my own two feet. I asked for support and independence from my parents. And at that time, I realized I was codependent with my mom. And when I asked for support and independence, um, she kind of flipped my world upside down to, um, went a little bananas and I, I lost my family at that time. It's what?

• 23:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:03Dr. John Delony?

  You, you may have challenges with codependency. But on this call, I want to humanize what your experience is. So I want us to put aside the clinical language for a second, okay?

• 24:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:16Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 24:18Speaker 02

  Uh, forty-two.

• 24:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:22Dr. John Delony?

  You are right to want your mom.

• 24:28Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:29Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you.

• 24:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:34Dr. John Delony?

  And when your whole world is blowing up,

• 24:38Dr. John Delony?

  you're right to want your mom and your dad to have your back, come hell or high water.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 24:47Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:54Dr. John Delony?

  And if your parents put you in a position where you felt like that they're gonna have to go tell their friends at the church, or the country club, or wherever, that their daughter is now a divorcee, or a single mom, and so to protect themselves, they tried to get you to stay in an unsafe situation, I'm heartbroken for you, because I was wrong.

• 25:13Speaker 02

  Thank you. That's what happened.

• 25:17Dr. John Delony?

  I know it is. I can tell. I'm sorry.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. Thank you.

• 25:24Dr. John Delony?

  And so also, I don't want to give you a pass, but I want to give you full permission to open your eyes fully and say, you found yourself in the middle of the ocean, completely and totally alone, and you clung to

• 25:45Dr. John Delony?

  the person treading water with you, that happened to be your, your son.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  And you, you know, I don't have to say it, I'm going to for the listeners, but you know that he can't carry you while he's trying to also tread water, because his life blew up, right?

• 26:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't, I don't want him to carry my weight.

• 26:08Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, but I know that, I know that, and the fact that you reached out to grab the nearest person that felt safe, the only safe person you had left in the world, doesn't make you crazy, okay?

• 26:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:24Dr. John Delony?

  I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, sit in judgment of somebody

• 26:31Dr. John Delony?

  trying to survive. Okay?

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:36Dr. John Delony?

  That's like your boat sinking, and somebody standing on the shore critiquing your swim stroke as you came in. That's madness.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 26:46Speaker 02

  It felt that way. Yes.

• 26:48Dr. John Delony?

  I know. Everybody did it to you.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:56Dr. John Delony?

  And I could tell you right this second,

• 27:00Dr. John Delony?

  as a dad who is head over heels for his little girl,

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  if my daughter ever finds herself with three boys in an abusive marriage,

• 27:10Dr. John Delony?

  and she chooses to have the courage to leave,

• 27:16Dr. John Delony?

  at that moment, everybody in that world's gonna come through me before they get to her first. Because that's the way it's supposed to be. And I'm sorry that didn't happen for you.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 27:28Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 27:29Dr. John Delony?

  All right, now here's the hard part of this conversation.

• 27:34Dr. John Delony?

  Question, I'm looking right at you through this camera lens, okay? I can't see you, but I can hear you.

• 27:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 27:42Dr. John Delony?

  The question is, what are you going to do next?

• 27:47Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm calling, I, I find, um, I know I need to change. I don't want him to carry this, and I don't want to have this going through his generation. And I, I don't know how to change my behavior with him.

• 28:10Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I got you, I got you on the tactics.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  Okay, yes.

• 28:13Dr. John Delony?

  I got you, I got you. I'll give you some things to do,

• 28:17Dr. John Delony?

  but I want you to, whenever it starts feeling heavy, which it's going to, and scary, and vulnerable yet again, I want you to remember this conversation, that you feeling like you're treading water in the ocean alone, and you can't see shore, that feeling is right. You're not crazy, okay?

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Thank you. I appreciate that.

• 28:38Dr. John Delony?

  It's not gonna make, it's not gonna make treading water any easier, other than you knowing, "I will get to shore."

• 28:47Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna get there barely able to take my next breath.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 28:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so back all the way out of this. What's the state of your new marriage?

• 28:59Speaker 02

  Um, he's, um, wonderful and, but this is, um, affecting my new marriage too because he wants to, he wants what's best for the kids. He wants to see them grow and develop and he can see that there's this codependency specifically with the oldest, my oldest son. And so he thinks that it's not fair to my son and I, I agree. Um, but we've been through so much that I, I don't know how to, um,

• 29:35Speaker 02

  I guess not nurture, uh, I don't know the word. I don't know, I don't know how to act except for what I've been doing, but I, I know that my son needs to grow and I do too.

• 29:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, here, here's, here's your path. Are you ready?

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:51Dr. John Delony?

  Number one.

• 29:54Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to, tonight, all by yourself, or you know what, this weekend, sometime in the next 72 hours. I want you to ask your new husband to step in and take the boys somewhere.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 30:07Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all go blow some money and go do something. Go for a walk, go fishing, go, I don't know, you're up in Ontario, so it may be like 44 below already. Go do something.

• 30:16Speaker 02

  No, man, yeah.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and here's your homework assignment, and it's gonna be a nightmare, okay?

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 30:22Dr. John Delony?

  Your homework assignment is to spend, uh, three or four minutes closing your eyes

• 30:31Dr. John Delony?

  and taking yourself back to

• 30:36Dr. John Delony?

  the attorney's office when he or she slid the paper across the table that said, "I'm, I'm signing this divorce decree."

• 30:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and I want you to do me a, do yourself, not me, yourself a huge favor.

• 30:52Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write that scared, terrified, exhausted, hurting woman a letter.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:01Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the gist of that letter. "Thank you for keeping me and my kids safe.

• 31:09Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for doing the scariest, loneliest, most terrifying thing ever."

• 31:17Dr. John Delony?

  Because that woman's a hero. And what I think is happening is you still hold her accountable for blowing up your kids' lives.

• 31:28Speaker 02

  I do.

• 31:28Dr. John Delony?

  And she didn't. She saved them.

• 31:32Dr. John Delony?

  Your ex-husband blew up their lives by being an abusive, manipulative man.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:39Dr. John Delony?

  But you gotta let that woman off the hook because she did a brave, noble, good thing.

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 31:49Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's homework assignment number one.

• 31:54Dr. John Delony?

  That's all for this weekend because that one's gonna not be great.

• 31:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. How old's your son?

• 32:00Speaker 02

  Um, he's almost 15, 16. Uh, they're all two years apart.

• 32:04Dr. John Delony?

  Perfect. He is right at the right age.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:08Dr. John Delony?

  You ready for a step for homework assignment number two?

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  You bring him and your husband,

• 32:17Dr. John Delony?

  and you find a place for your younger two boys to go play somewhere?

• 32:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you read them that letter.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  That's hard.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  It's real hard. And it's gonna be terrifying. And if you, if you, now that knowing that you're gonna read it to them, if you aren't fully honest in that letter, your body's gonna hang on to this.

• 32:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? They have to know the truth and your 16-year-old can hold it. He's probably about 25 years old inside his 16-year-old little body, isn't he?

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Yes, he is.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, okay. And then that's gonna be followed with, and this is scary and horrifying, and I'm gonna get roasted in the comments and I could care less.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 33:03Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to look at your 15, 16-year-old son and say, "I'm sorry."

• 33:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I have done that.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but I want him to contextualize how scared his mom was.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And I want you to look at him and say, "I'm not gonna talk bad about your dad,

• 33:23Dr. John Delony?

  but I was a scared mom and I have felt guilty ever, ever since I separated to keep us all safe."

• 33:34Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:34Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to know I've clung to you and that wasn't fair to you.

• 33:40Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to tell this 16 year old in front of your husband,

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  I am gonna begin practicing

• 33:51Dr. John Delony?

  building new adult relationships and you gotta know those have gotten me hurt in the past. And he's gonna say, cause he's a good kid, "Mom, it's okay. You don't, you're not all those things." And you're gonna say, "No, no, no, no. Stop. My job, job is to love you, not clear the path in front of you, but to get underneath you so you can climb as high as you can wanna climb."

• 34:13Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 34:15Dr. John Delony?

  Alright.

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to look at your husband and say, "I'm giving you permission," and I want you to give him a roadmap.

• 34:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:26Dr. John Delony?

  And it might just be a gentle tap on your knee. It might be a wink

• 34:32Dr. John Delony?

  when he sees it.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:35Dr. John Delony?

  And all you're asking him for is, "I don't need your lectures. I don't need, I don't need any of that stuff. I just need, I'm gonna begin practicing and I've never had to do this before."

• 34:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 34:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 34:51Dr. John Delony?

  And then here's your third homework assignment. You gotta go make some girlfriends.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  And that's a nightmare for a 42 year old.

• 35:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. I just recently made one about four months ago and it's completely changed my life. She's wonderful.

• 35:08Dr. John Delony?

  It's amazing. You need two or three, okay?

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Oh gosh.

• 35:13Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:16Dr. John Delony?

  And be as brave as you wanna be, but tell your new friend, "Hey, I wanna build a small gang. Invite one or two of your friends over."

• 35:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:27Dr. John Delony?

  And this is about damn near impossible in the depth of winter in Canada. I understand that, right? I get this.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's alright.

• 35:37Dr. John Delony?

  But I don't want you to do another, another winter in the dark.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 35:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:50Dr. John Delony?

  And if he is a good man, and he is awesome, as you say, and he is safe, I want you to grab your husband by the face and look him dead in the eye, and he's gonna be like, "What are you doing?" Be like, "That's just the sound of a grizzled up, freezing cold, uh, Ontario man in my mind. What are you doing?" Maybe not. Um, but I want you to look at him, and I want you to look him dead in the eye and say, "Thank you for loving me and walking with me as I practice going all in on somebody else."

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:23Dr. John Delony?

  But man, you are on the right path, and I think being very specific is really being specific about behaviors that you have identified, self-diagnosed yourself with as codependent. What, and I don't know what that is, and there's probably a litany of them, but if it's doing bedtime with your 16-year-old, keep doing bedtime. If it is, um, you make him do X, Y, or Z, or he's who you go to and you get in a fight with your spouse, all right, then we need to get some adults that can carry that weight, because he can't carry that. So it's being very specific and maybe bringing along your husband, saying, "Is this a codep, is this, is this, I've lost, I've lost my center here, and as I'm relearning

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  how to walk on my own two feet, is telling my son to come tell me goodnight every night, is that codependent? No. You're his mom. Is wanting to be a part of bedtime? No, you're his mom. Take every one of those bedtimes that you can get. Is it, you can't date because you're mine? No girl's ever good enough for my boy. Um, I'll just give you whatever money you need, even though you're not working? Yeah, because I, I can't bear you not liking me for a night or two or three. Yeah, now we're getting to some emotional challenges where he's got to prop you up, and he's in control of the house, and 16-year-olds can't carry that weight. It's gonna be, it's gonna be a tricky, slow slog as you slowly walk

• 37:45Dr. John Delony?

  out of the swamp and up on your own two feet on dry land. And I have 100% belief you can get there. When you don't believe in yourself, when you start saying the words, "I can't", I want you to remember my voice, "I think you can."

• 37:59Dr. John Delony?

  Keep pursuing that professional counselor. You've got some unpacking to do, some bricks to set down.

• 38:05Dr. John Delony?

  But I've got every belief in my guts that you can do it. Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, a woman asks how to tell her mom about her son's diagnosis without receiving all of the conspiracy theory blame.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized with less clutter, less stress, and why are we doing this? Because we want more peace. And here's one area I want you to focus on this year. Your digital footprint. And that's why I recommend Delete Me. Every time you fill out a quick form, grab a discount, or sign up for something quote unquote "free" online, your personal information, things like your name, your email, your phone number, and your address, all that gets collected, sold, and shared behind your back by data brokers. Over time, this turns on the fire hose of spam calls, weird texts, and scam emails. Delete Me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information and it gets it

• 39:03Dr. John Delony?

  taken down, and they keep it gone. It's like setting healthy boundaries for your digital life, because protecting your privacy is part of protecting your peace. This year, start fresh, get organized with fewer distractions, and find peace. Go to joindelete.me/deloney for 20% off an annual plan. That's join, J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me/deloney and start protecting your peace this year.

• 39:33Dr. John Delony?

  All right, take two seconds, two seconds,

• 39:38Dr. John Delony?

  and hit the subscribe button for me. Hit the subscribe button, or hit the share button, hit the like button, whatever it is, whatever device you're listening to this on or watching this on. It just makes such a huge difference for future listeners of this show who don't even know we exist yet. Thank you for taking the time to do that. It makes all the difference in the world. Let's go to Spokane, Washington, and talk to Sam Iam. What's up, Sam?

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Hey Dr. John, thanks for taking my call.

• 40:03Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, thanks for calling. What's going on?

• 40:06Speaker 02

  So, um, I'm wondering how I can tell my anti-modern medicine mother that my child has been diagnosed with autism without her spinning it into some sort of blame?

• 40:19Dr. John Delony?

  Well, did you have Red Dye 40 and Tylenol Saint? I'm just kidding. Oh, gosh.

• 40:26Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you the worst news I can tell anybody today?

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Oh, sure.

• 40:33Dr. John Delony?

  You can't do anything to change your mom's response.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:39Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm sorry.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 40:42Dr. John Delony?

  How old's your son?

• 40:45Speaker 02

  He is four.

• 40:48Dr. John Delony?

  And he's on the spectrum?

• 40:50Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 40:52Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about him.

• 40:54Speaker 02

  He is fantastic and has all sorts of amazing abilities, but has a speech delay as well as some fine motor, um, issues and, um,

• 41:12Speaker 02

  is otherwise in his own little world, but he's a wonderful kid.

• 41:20Dr. John Delony?

  Anytime I ask somebody about to tell me about their kid and the first words out of their mouth are is "he's amazing" or "he's wonderful," I can't, my face automatically smiles because I think that's amazing.

• 41:33Dr. John Delony?

  I want this-

• 41:34Speaker 02

  He's an amazing kid.

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and I want that to remain the focus, okay?

• 41:39Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  The only path forward you have is to treat everybody, regardless of their response, with dignity and respect. And what I mean by that is don't let somebody's blame, grenade throwing, or whatever,

• 41:57Dr. John Delony?

  allow you to be a person who violates your own values.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 42:03Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 42:06Dr. John Delony?

  you can't own your mom's response.

• 42:11Dr. John Delony?

  What you can own is the grief that in a moment, having a special needs kid-

• 42:20Dr. John Delony?

  It's heartbreaking, right?

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, it can be.

• 42:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 42:27Dr. John Delony?

  And every parent I've ever met of a special needs kid

• 42:31Dr. John Delony?

  struggles with the question, "What did I do?"

• 42:36Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I did this to them."

• 42:42Dr. John Delony?

  And now we're bombarded by media, by nonsense, by loved ones that confirms that madness, right?

• 42:52Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 42:53Dr. John Delony?

  That's an extraordinary weight for you and

• 42:58Dr. John Delony?

  your son's dad to carry, and I'm sorry.

• 43:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  Challenges with kids should be a point that all of us can rally around. Instead, it's a, we've turned it into a way that we can feel superior and point fingers.

• 43:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:22Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll even say this, your mom and dad should be the safe place for you to rest your head up against.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 43:31Dr. John Delony?

  Not a cactus.

• 43:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 43:34Dr. John Delony?

  And what that means is you're gonna have to do the next right thing for you as an adult, which is, "I gotta go find some adult friends that I can lean on." Because my parents have proven that they're not, they're not those people.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate that for you.

• 43:49Dr. John Delony?

  But the path for you is telling your mom, "Hey, Mom, I need to tell you some hard news about Charlie, my son, I don't know what his name is, I just picked that name up. And here's what I need from you. I know you have very firm opinions on things about medicine and about conspiracy, whatever, however you want to frame it for her. What I need right now in this moment is my mom."

• 44:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:16Dr. John Delony?

  And then she, so what you're doing is like, it goes with the old business axiom, "To be unclear is to be unkind."

• 44:23Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm gonna tell you, Mother, a roadmap for what I want right now." And actually, I'll even use the word "need" here. Because a daughter needs her mom in these kind of moments, I don't care how old you are.

• 44:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 44:35Dr. John Delony?

  "I need you."

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  And exhale.

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  She's probably not gonna be able to walk that road, is she?

• 44:49Speaker 02

  No.

• 44:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 44:54Dr. John Delony?

  That means you get to be sad.

• 44:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, definitely.

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  Is there other times in your life when you were younger, when you needed your mom to show up for you? And she showed up with a wagging finger instead of open arms?

• 45:10Speaker 02

  All the time.

• 45:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  All the time.

• 45:14Dr. John Delony?

  So some of this is just rerunning a script that little girl you has already run before, right?

• 45:20Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 45:21Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Can I ask you a hard question?

• 45:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 45:26Dr. John Delony?

  Will there come a moment when you stop putting your hand back in the bag that you know has a rattlesnake in it?

• 45:34Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 45:42Dr. John Delony?

  For whatever it's worth, you don't have an obligation to keep doing that?

• 45:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 45:54Dr. John Delony?

  I just hate it for you.

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, me too. It's tough.

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 46:00Speaker 02

  Because I need my mom. You're right.

• 46:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, I'm glad you said it.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:05Dr. John Delony?

  Saying that out loud and actually letting yourself feel that

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  is where the healing begins.

• 46:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. I think about my own child.

• 46:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 46:17Speaker 02

  With him needing his mom.

• 46:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And can you even imagine

• 46:24Dr. John Delony?

  not being there with open arms?

• 46:26Speaker 02

  No, no, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

• 46:28Dr. John Delony?

  Of course you would.

• 46:31Dr. John Delony?

  And this is how family systems change.

• 46:35Dr. John Delony?

  Because one person says, "I'm not gonna do it anymore."

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  That also means you have to turn and face the fire of your family system and you're gonna get burned, you're gonna get scars, because it's painful.

• 46:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:51Dr. John Delony?

  You can't control her, but you can control you moving forward. And that's, I hate to say it's the best we can do in these moments.

• 46:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's gonna ruffle some feathers, for sure.

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  What's that mean?

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Um, it's, I feel like it's gonna, it's just gonna cause a tantrum on her behalf, not mine, but on her behalf. And I think I'm anticipating the explosion.

• 47:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:30Dr. John Delony?

  But maybe for the first time in your life, you decide to not hold yourself responsible for her tantrum, because her tantrums have never been your fault, ever, not one time.

• 47:43Dr. John Delony?

  Never.

• 47:44Speaker 02

  My, my younger self would disagree.

• 47:47Dr. John Delony?

  I know. Because your younger self had it made very clear to her that it was her job to make sure mom was okay.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 47:55Dr. John Delony?

  And that was not your job.

• 47:59Speaker 02

  No.

• 47:59Dr. John Delony?

  Your job was to be a goofy, making dumb decisions, sarcastic, explosive, whatever you were, little kid.

• 48:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, all of those things and more, I'm sure.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. That's your job as a kid.

• 48:13Speaker 02

  Right.

• 48:16Dr. John Delony?

  Where's your, where's your dad in all this?

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Um, he's a little more neutral. Obviously, him and my mom are still married and everything, so they're, you know, they, they've been married my whole life. And he, he doesn't take as firm of stances as she does, but she kind of takes the lead and

• 48:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 48:41Speaker 02

  Um, and all of that, and health choices and things.

• 48:45Dr. John Delony?

  It might be an important conversation for you to circle around to him and say, "Dad, for the first time in my life, I need you to step up and be my dad."

• 48:54Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 48:57Speaker 02

  Like have that separately with my dad before my mom?

• 49:01Dr. John Delony?

  I would.

• 49:02Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:05Speaker 02

  I have a better, I feel like I have a better relationship with him, so. Um.

• 49:11Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe you can be very direct with him and say, I don't have a picture, I don't have a psychology for

• 49:21Dr. John Delony?

  a life with a new son without grandparents.

• 49:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  But I can't carry the weight of being accused, being blamed, being, having fingers pointed at me.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I need my dad.

• 49:41Speaker 02

  Right. And I know that he would, I know he would be devastated if, if his grandchild wasn't in his life, so I know.

• 49:50Dr. John Delony?

  But he gets to make a grown up choice about that, not you.

• 49:53Speaker 02

  Right.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  And he might need a very clear path. My son needs hugs.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  Your daughter needs hugs. Not, not internet emails about Tylenol.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  No, that one, that's exactly what I get in my inbox.

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  All the time from her.

• 50:19Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe saying, Mom, you've made yourself very clear. I don't want another email about it.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah. Setting firm boundaries is gonna be really important going forward with her because she, um, she'll hover and she'll try to fix it and be all over it and um, and I, I know from when I was a kid, it's, I'm uncomfortable with what's going on with my child, so I'm gonna do everything I can to fix it, so I don't have to think about it anymore.

• 50:50Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And that's not how relationships work. They're not set it and forget it.

• 50:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 50:55Dr. John Delony?

  They're minute by minute, day by day. And that's where the good stuff is, and that's where the hard stuff is.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:05Dr. John Delony?

  But there's something powerful about saying, Dad, you're about to lose all of us. And I don't want that. And I don't think you do either.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  I don't.

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe, maybe for his, the first time in his life, this gives him a path to stand up.

• 51:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:23Dr. John Delony?

  Now, he can't make his, his wife do anything anymore than you can make your mom do anything, but

• 51:28Speaker 02

  Right.

• 51:29Dr. John Delony?

  he can sure say, I'm gonna get in the car and go visit my daughter.

• 51:33Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I wanna hug that little boy.

• 51:36Dr. John Delony?

  I wanna hug my little girl, who's now 40 or 35, or however old you are. Right?

• 51:41Speaker 02

  Right. Right.

• 51:43Dr. John Delony?

  Before you start throwing boundaries out, I want you to, to, to do an exercise with yourself. Are you married?

• 51:49Speaker 02

  I am.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  You married to somebody who's a good man?

• 51:52Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 51:53Dr. John Delony?

  He's good?

• 51:55Speaker 02

  Yes, he's good.

• 51:56Dr. John Delony?

  You hesitated. You promise?

• 51:59Speaker 02

  Oh, I promise.

• 52:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  He's a good guy.

• 52:02Dr. John Delony?

  I want y'all, before you start throwing out boundaries, a boundary is a fence line, right?

• 52:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to decide what you want your home to feel like.

• 52:17Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 52:18Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I think sometimes we build walls to protect ourselves, but then we sit inside these walls and inside the walls, it feels hollow. They become a prison.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 52:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want y'all to plant gardens inside these walls before you build them. On your land. And I'm, I'm making metaphors, beating it to death here, right? But I want y'all to decide, what do we want our house to feel like? What do we want our child's experience to be? It's gonna be hard enough as it is without people throwing grenades at you.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  Or running in and trying to solve it.

• 52:54Dr. John Delony?

  Or when your mom thinks her deep cut internet emails have more value than the ABA specialist in your local community.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:04Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 53:06Speaker 02

  Right.

• 53:09Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe, shoot, I'm making something up here. I'm just, I'm, it's a fantasy at this point, but maybe giving your mom the purpose of, hey, Mom, I don't need you to solve this. I've got this. We've got, we've got some professionals in our area that are great. What I need is my mother. I need her to be on my side. I need her hugs. I need her to text me and say, I love you and you're doing a great job.

• 53:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:34Dr. John Delony?

  I don't need your suggestions to smear mayonnaise on the inside of his ears or some weird thing that, you know what I mean? I don't know, dude. It's just so crazy. It's so crazy that we're even having this conversation at this point.

• 53:45Speaker 02

  It would have to be dairy-free mayonnaise.

• 53:49Dr. John Delony?

  Avocado oil-only mayonnaise.

• 53:52Speaker 02

  Oh, no, as long as it's not seed oils. Those are the...

• 53:56Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Oh, yeah, those two. Those'll get ya.

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man.

• 54:05Dr. John Delony?

  I don't have a lot to add here, Sam. I'm just sitting here with you.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 54:11Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe you tell your husband, "Hey, there's gonna be times that I need you just to hug me 'cause I miss my mom.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  And I miss my dad.

• 54:23Dr. John Delony?

  So on those days, I'm just gonna say, "I need to borrow your nervous system for a bit.

• 54:29Dr. John Delony?

  I need to hold this hug a lot longer.

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  And then, Sam, you're gonna have to go do the work of having some adults in your life that are 10, or 15, or 20 years down the road from you. Whether that's a couple you meet at the local YMCA, or, I don't know, at your local church. I don't know what stuff you do, but... Or maybe it's your in-laws, but you can't do all this alone.

• 54:55Dr. John Delony?

  You need somebody there just with you celebrating how hard you're working. Somebody reminding you to take care of you. Somebody patting you on the back.

• 55:08Dr. John Delony?

  Somebody saying, "I see how hard you're working.

• 55:11Dr. John Delony?

  And I see how amazing this little boy is. With all of his quirks and challenges. My goodness. I can see that smile of his from space," or whatever it is.

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry you're going through this, sister. Thank you for the call.

• 55:27Dr. John Delony?

  Clear as kind here.

• 55:30Dr. John Delony?

  And first establishing what we want our home to feel like. Let's reverse-engineer the boundaries after that. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

• 55:39Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, as we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do, all the past hurts and pains, along with all of the past guilt and shames, all of it. When the world feels heavy, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and even consider not carrying it into 2026. Therapy can help you identify the heavy stuff, help you set it down and move forward with clarity so you can focus on the new year. And if you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  providers on the planet and they're trusted by millions of people around the world with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's all online, so it's easy to fit in your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist that fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney.

• 57:00Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. I got a money and marriage question. We are fresh off, um, we're recording this just a few days after the November Money and Marriage event and my goodness, what an amazing time that was. It was by far, I don't know, if it was, I say, I don't know, I do know, it was the best one of all time. It was amazing. We got it pretty dialed in and, um, by the time you hear this episode, I think we're into the new year, a couple of days and, um, it's probably sold out, but if it's not and you can still get your tickets to come to Nashville for the February, the Valentine's Day weekend event, um, my goodness, get them if you can. And if not, go ahead and get them for next October because 26, because my goodness, what an amazing weekend it is. I leave refreshed in my own life, but man, um, go check them out.

• 57:44Dr. John Delony?

  RamseySolutions.com/events, go check them out. Here's a question somebody left.

• 57:51Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, what kind of goals should we be setting for our family at the beginning of this year?

• 58:00Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all know me, I love New Year's, I love goals, I love New Year's resolutions. One of my favorite things in the whole wide world. But I think you can't have good goals without two important things. A, a period of reflection. How did I do last year as a husband, as a dad, as a wife, as a sister, as a mother? And how did we do? If you're married, it says family here, so how did we do together last year? Showing up for each other, showing up for these kids, financially, right? So it's a season of reflection. How's our money? How's the stress in our home? How's the chaos? And the second thing I think is important is asking this question.

• 58:43Dr. John Delony?

  This is from the great James Clear. Who do we want to be this year? I remember when I first started here doing media stuff, we had these meetings with these brand experts and I got so frustrated. I was like, dude, I don't want a brand. I don't like, I don't like thinking of that. That seems gross. And I remember the great Tim Newton, who leads our marketing efforts here at Ramsey. He said something that stuck with me. He said, hey, all a brand is, is who you are when you're not in the room. How do people experience you when you're not around? And that really hit home with me.

• 59:24Dr. John Delony?

  And so when I'm not in the room, I want people to smile. I want them to drop, I want people to drop their shoulders. I want people to laugh. I want people to roll their eyes a little bit because that guy's kind of crazy. I, I, so I think that question for a family, before you start setting goals, who do we want to be this year? We want to be a family that comes home and exhales and it's just like, ah, we're home. All right, well then, we're not going to sign up for 52 marathons and we're not going to sign up for dance classes and yoga classes and the new workout program because this year, we want to be a family who when people come over, they go, my gosh, I don't want to leave. Or maybe it's, we want to be a family that's got some more excitement this year, some more

• 1:00:09Dr. John Delony?

  play. We want to be a family who doubles down and conquers some financial goals. We want to, we want to get out of debt this year. And so we're going to reverse engineer our goals based on our identity, our brand. Who are we going to be this year? And then all goals are, it's a series of checkpoints, measurable checkpoints that say, we're on the path to being who we want to be this year. And so before you set off and be like, I want to run a marathon this year, I want you to ask yourself, who do you want to be this year when it comes to being a good steward of your body? Fitness?

• 1:00:47Dr. John Delony?

  And how does that relate to an overall picture of we want to be a family of peace, or a family that gets after it, or a family that does a hard thing together this year? So, number one, some reflection. Number two, that identity statement. Who are we going to be? And who do we want people to?

• 1:01:05Dr. John Delony?

  How do we want people to feel about us when we're not in the room, when we're not there? And then your goals will just simply be a path towards making that identity real, come alive. And so I think that the reason people set goals and resolutions and don't hit them is because they're not anchored to an identity. They're just anchored to a, I'm going to get up every morning at 4 a.m. and go work out. And that's a recipe for quitting. But if your identity is, in 2026, I'm going to be a guy that does hard things every single day. I'm going to be a guy that sets an example for discipline in my home. I'm going to be a wife who wades through conflict?

• 1:01:46Dr. John Delony?

  And finds one thing to celebrate about my husband every day, even when I have to look real, real hard through a pile of clothes and through dishes all over, like whatever it is, right? I, it's got to be anchored to an identity. So start there. Start with reflection, start with identity, and then start backfilling the goals. And make 2026 the best year possible. I love you guys. Super, super grateful. See you soon.