My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A mom wanting to reestablish communication with her estranged daughter · A wife wondering if sleeping in separate beds will improve her marriage · A husband considering a career change for the sake of his family Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I'm calling you about my daughter.

• 0:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  Um, she's 30. We homeschool our kids. We raised them in the church. It got further and further away and then she broke up with us with a text.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  I can't think of a, like, I'm, I'm, again, my kids aren't 30, but I can't think of a worse situation.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you are doing amazing. I'm trying to figure out what day it is. Back and forth, all over the United States on tour with my buddy Dave, and it is a blast. And I hope you are doing well wherever you happen to be. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Real people going through real challenges. Go to johndeloney.com/ask. And I'd love to have you out here. All right, let's go to Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Luann. What's up, Luann?

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Well, it's Tuesday, just so you're aware.

• 1:05Dr. John Delony?

  What day did I say it was? Did I say it was Monday?

• 1:07Speaker 00

  You didn't. You didn't know.

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know where, yeah. It's good, good to talk to you. Thank you for telling me that. I did not know what day it was.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Thank you for having me on. I appreciate it.

• 1:18Dr. John Delony?

  No, it's awesome. I legitimately didn't know it was Tuesday, so thank you for that. What's up?

• 1:25Speaker 00

  Well, I'm calling you about my daughter.

• 1:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 1:28Speaker 00

  Um, she's 30. We also have three sons who are, I don't know, between 35 and 45. So we're old enough to retire, but we're not yet because we're just having too much fun working. Um, we homeschool our kids. We raised them in the church. They went to public university. Probably when she was about 22, 3, 4, in that she started just being too busy to talk. Couldn't talk, couldn't talk, couldn't talk. Um, she does not communicate except by text. Can't call either of our younger two kids on the phone. That's just not right. Um, and it got further and further away and then last fall, she broke up with us with a text.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  She sent us a text saying she wanted to go no contact, that she didn't want to discuss why. And she would let us know when she was ready to talk to us again. So I'm kind of just stuck out here going, well, what's next for me?

• 2:29Dr. John Delony?

  So A, let's acknowledge like that regardless of what went on, what's going on, what's up, what's down, that's just hard.

• 2:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:38Dr. John Delony?

  I can't think of a, like, I'm, I'm, again, my kids aren't 30, but I can't think of a worse situation.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Well, you know, and I grew up in a world where, of course, I wanted to cut my parents off. Sometimes they were really stupid.

• 2:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 2:51Speaker 00

  But I would never, ever. You just don't.

• 2:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Except, they did.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 2:58Dr. John Delony?

  So, anytime I have a challenge like this, I always go back to what my buddy Jordan Bunch taught me one time, which is anytime I have some sort of relational challenge, I always want to start in one place and one place only. The mirror.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Okay.

• 3:11Dr. John Delony?

  So, if you back out, the data says, that you just told me, you've got four kids, three of them refuse to speak to you.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  No, one.

• 3:20Dr. John Delony?

  What, no, but I mean, the other ones just text you?

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Two will talk on the phone.

• 3:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Um, one does text.

• 3:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Um, but we're, we're not in the same town.

• 3:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 3:33Speaker 00

  So, there's that factor too.

• 3:34Dr. John Delony?

  So, well, at some point, it's like, okay, so I'm the common denominator here, and I raise these kids. If you're being fully honest with yourself, not trying to defend yourself, but being fully honest with you and your husband, what's the challenges that they're putting on the table? Why are they, why are they cutting off contact? Or why are they limiting contact so much with you?

• 3:55Speaker 00

  I'm telling you, she won't say.

• 3:56Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but you've got an inkling, or your other siblings will pitch something out every once in a while, or they'll tell you why they only want to text, or why they're busy.

• 4:05Speaker 00

  Um.

• 4:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let me say it this way. You're too smart. I can already tell, you're too smart to just be like, I don't, I don't know. Like, you have some inkling.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  I am trying to figure that out.

• 4:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  That's part of what's going on here. Um, the oldest two say, this is nuts. She's being, this is not right. Um, the third one says, boggled.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  And I have asked her, in fact, late, in her late teens, early twenties, she was in therapy, I was too, not because of each other, it was for separate issues, but because we were in a small town and it was convenient, we used the same therapist.

• 4:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  He did a stupid therapist thing one day and started talking to me, dealing with something she was dealing with.

• 4:49Dr. John Delony?

  That's not a stupid, that's not a stupid therapist thing, that is highly unethical, should be unlicensed, and not be able to sit with people.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  And I went blank, and I just looked at him, because I knew it was happening, and he said, oh my god, I just did it, and I, I shouldn't have, he acknowledged it, and he went on, but he did tell me, again, unethical, there's two things you need to talk to your daughter about, you need to figure these two things out, and I, we, she and I talked about one, four times since then, and she was, like I said, maybe twenty at most, four times I have said, can we talk about the other thing, but that I don't know what it is, and I've told her that, and she says, no, you don't know what it is, and she'll say, no, I'm not ready, and then, um, uh, Christmas a year ago, she said, I will never be ready to talk to you about that.

• 5:35Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  So I suspect it's that, but I kept, I've racked my brains, he tells me I need to do some self-reflection, my best friend says I'm the queen of self-reflection, so I'm trying, I'm trying to figure out, I'm really trying to figure out.

• 5:50Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  Now, the, the, the, when I go to the boards, or when I go to websites, and I go try to find out more about this phenomenon, the consensus is, you know, you're just not acknowledging, and I'm being honest, I want to acknowledge, I don't know.

• 6:09Dr. John Delony?

  Well, okay, so let's just look, flip the data around, because I misheard you at the beginning, if you have four kids, and three of them talk to you somewhat regularly, y'all live in separate towns, y'all aren't like buddy buddy, but y'all talk, you text, you show up for holidays, and then you have one outlier?

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:24Dr. John Delony?

  Then, what I would suggest is trying to figure out intellectually which going on is futile, you don't know, because you've got somebody that's, that, the, it sounds like the limited power she feels like she has is a thing you don't know.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  And you took care of her raising, you took care of her morals, you took care of her school, you wouldn't, and that can be flipped to, "You didn't let me be around real people, you didn't let me have my own ideas, you didn't let me have my own life," and then I got to out in the real world. And this is, this is one of the challenges, I think, with, that we have this whole homeschool movement now, and I don't have a problem with it, it's fine, but it's gonna come at a cost, and I know that because I've worked with these, with thousands of, of college students for 20 years. They are overwhelmed with the new, new ideas, new world, and you can't, you cannot, you can sit in the college of your choice, that just regurgitates what you taught them, which I think is a terrible idea, but then they get, they're gonna get to the real world, where there's no filter anymore.

• 7:25Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Right. And I, I suspect there's some of that. We did try, we did try.

• 7:31Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, sure. And it's not an indictment of you, but I'm saying like, that, this, that can be flipped to, from, "Dude, my parents really tried to shield me from all of this."

• 7:39Speaker 00

  Who doesn't try to shield their kids from some horrible thing?

• 7:43Dr. John Delony?

  Well, of course, of course, but I'm just saying like, it can be, a 25-year-old can say, "Dude, my parents did the best they could with what they got, with what they had, and they tried to protect me from madness, and I wish they had given me some more skills, but here we are," or they can completely demonize you. And any of the discomfort they have in their life, which all 25-year-olds have, you become an easy target.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:03Dr. John Delony?

  But here's the deal, trying to figure this out intellectually is a waste of your time. Because it sounds, I'm trusting you that you have actually looked in the mirror and tried to figure it out. And that there's not, I'm gonna rattle a couple of things off, okay, this is not, this is more for the audience than for you, but if you can honestly say, you do not know of a weird uncle, or a strange encounter with, with her dad, whether that's your husband or a stepdad or something, if you can honestly say, "I don't know anything about that," honestly say, "I didn't invite somebody over who had a strange kid who put her in awkward positions," if you can honestly say, "We walked through, I taught you about sex, I taught you about some of these harder, bigger

• 8:47Dr. John Delony?

  issues, we had conversations," if you can honestly walk through and say, "I don't know any of that stuff," those are usually, not usually, those are often the big cutoff points. Like, "Mom and dad, you didn't protect me." And then after that, it could, who knows what, what adventure she's on? And I think you have to let yourself get out from behind your intellectual shield and just be really, really sad. I miss my baby girl.

• 9:10Speaker 00

  Okay. My husband's been encouraging me to do that for a while and, and when she cut off last fall, he said, there you go. There's nothing we can do and-

• 9:19Dr. John Delony?

  I will disagree with him on one thing.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:22Dr. John Delony?

  I'll disagree with him on one thing.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  And that is?

• 9:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'm trying to think of the right way to say it. Um.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Well, you could say it the wrong way and walk it back.

• 9:40Dr. John Delony?

  I could, yeah. Um, so there's, there's a fine line for me between, um, well, I'm just gonna, I'll paint a big, huge picture here. Um, she's asked you not to call her or text her. She's asked for, for no contact. And I want to honor that. I want to honor that.

• 10:02Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:03Dr. John Delony?

  And also-

• 10:04Speaker 00

  And I have been.

• 10:05Dr. John Delony?

  I, I know, I know. But also, um, I'm try, I'm trying, I'm talking myself into, I'm thinking myself into circles here. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna do what you, I'm gonna do what you said. I'm gonna speak this out and then I may walk it back. Um, often, young people, and I'll say 30 and younger, maybe even older, trying to heal a broken relationship with, with a parent in their life or with an adult figure, will put down these big gauntlets. And some of it is very real, especially in abusive situations, especially when there is abuse, when there has been, um, neglect, when there's been some catastrophic stuff.

• 10:49Dr. John Delony?

  And in your situation, I'm trusting that is completely off the table. That didn't happen. So, the next layer is, I want to see if you'll come get me.

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm imagining my kids right now, if one of them said, "I'm going no contact. Please don't call me, don't text me. I'm not coming to, don't invite me to Christmas," or whatever. I hear that. And I might send you a letter once a week, or once a month, and just says, "Just so you know, I love you. And you're welcome home at any time." And I can see even where that might be run into legal issues. If it would be considered harassment, if somebody said, "I've given you clear, do not contact me, not touch me, I mean, don't come after me." But there's gonna come a moment when something happens in your kid's life, and they're open their eyes real wide, and they want their mom and their dad, and they're gonna think, "I burned the bridge to the ground to get back home. And I want there to be a breadcrumb back to my house."

• 11:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I guess, I don't know, I've just sat with too many 25-year-olds who say, "I can't go home." And I wanna tell them, "I bet you can." So, maybe that's it, Luann. If I knew as a parent, I was physically abusive, I knew what I thought to be spanking was, I went overboard. If I knew that there was physical abuse, if I knew I dragged a kid to a church for 15 years and didn't know they were being molested by somebody, like if there was some major catastrophic trauma, and they said, "I need to go no contact," I would actually honor that.

• 12:20Speaker 00

  And I can, I could understand that, yeah.

• 12:23Dr. John Delony?

  If there is a young person who is some sort of ideological temper tantrum, who's some sort of, has created a story, and they're just going on and on and on, you're 30, you're 25, I can't do anything about it. But I might send you a postcard, I might, and that postcard sounds kinda cheesy, I might send you a letter, I want you to open it. And you can, by the way, you can throw the letter away every, every week. You're a grown-up, you can throw it away, you can put it in the shredder. You can send me a legal document, or you can send me a text message, "I continue to receive your letters, do not send me another letter again." Okay, I would honor that. My guess is, in this situation, she wouldn't do that. What she might not wanna respond to is, the text message says, "Hi, how are you?"

• 13:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "Thinking about you," because she might have come up with a story that you're manipulative. And that any sort of contact like that is manipulative, but there's something about a letter that somebody can open, and they can hold, and they can see it, and they can go back to it, and it begins to punch a hole in their story.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  Or she might show it to-

• 13:20Speaker 00

  I would love to be able to do that, but when she went contact, she moved.

• 13:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 13:25Speaker 00

  I have no idea where she is.

• 13:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Or maybe you write a letter and you keep it in your house and one day if you reconcile, you hand her the whole box.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Okay. I have been doing that.

• 13:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's pretty amazing. You hand her the whole box and say, "I want you to know, I didn't know how to get ahold of you, but I never stopped looking for you."

• 13:42Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, these days, it takes about eight minutes to find somebody.

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Hmm, okay.

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, through social media, through an old friend, I mean, it's, it's-

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:53Dr. John Delony?

  It's not hard. So, yeah, I, I mean, I, I would go for that. I'd go after it and,

• 14:00Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know. It's hard. I'm heartbroken for you. And I, I would probably try to reach out to my older kids one more time.

• 14:09Speaker 00

  We talk most weeks, so-

• 14:11Dr. John Delony?

  And they honestly can look at you and say, "Mom, we have no idea."

• 14:15Speaker 00

  They have.

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  Has she cut them off too?

• 14:18Speaker 00

  I don't think so.

• 14:21Dr. John Delony?

  They have to-

• 14:22Speaker 00

  I don't ask them. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to get information from them.

• 14:25Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but Lu, they, they have to know.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Okay. I'll ask.

• 14:30Dr. John Delony?

  Don't you think?

• 14:33Speaker 00

  I would think so, but I also don't, I, I could see her saying, "Oh, she's trying to get information from you, huh?" I, I just, I worry that that would-

• 14:42Dr. John Delony?

  But here's the thing, yes, I miss my daughter.

• 14:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'll try to get information from everybody. And I would tell my older kids, "Hey, I'm putting you in an awkward position. If you know anything that I could, I've done, if, that I, that I did, that I missed, please, please help me. I'm drowning here."

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. I do, I do feel like though, that the culture, the atmosphere around this phenomenon is saying, "You don't have the right to miss your child."

• 15:09Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's insanity and it's stupid.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  They have made an adult's decision and that's, you're just gonna have to accept it.

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I'm gonna make an adult decision and let my kid know. I'm never gonna, I'll storm the gates of hell to come get you.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:21Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I know too many people in their 40s and 50s that don't have a relationship with their 70 or 80 year old parents and it's killing them. It's killing them.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  I, that's what I, and I, we did talk about that at one point in time. I said, you know, I just feel like someday I'm gonna be gone and you're gonna think, "Oh, my gosh."

• 15:37Dr. John Delony?

  That's the wrong way to say it. That's you trying to exert power over her. Don't do that.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 15:43Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to flip it around, because it's you standing tall.

• 15:48Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to actually take a seat on a park bench and put your face in your hands and sob because my daughter doesn't want to come home. Not making it like, "One day, you're gonna miss me." No.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  I genuinely didn't see it that way.

• 16:00Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know, I know. But, but like this, yes, you're correct. One day, she's gonna wish she had talked to her mom. I think you're right. But that's not the way to come at her.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 16:12Dr. John Delony?

  Is to say, "I miss my baby girl." And clearly, I've done something. I've said something. I was away, and I don't know what it is. I've tried. I've asked everybody I know. I've called everyone I know.

• 16:27Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll respect you. Just know that you can always come home.

• 16:31Dr. John Delony?

  And that's what I would... There's, there's, there's talking to your other kids, her siblings, about, "Well, do you know what's wrong with her? Why is she so mad at me?" That's one way to go about it. The other way to go about it is, "Hey, I'm putting you in an awkward position. I can't sleep. I can't breathe. My stomach hurts all the time." It's like the 99 and 1. She, "I just, I just want to bring my baby home. I just wanted to tell her I love her. And I've done something, and I don't know what it is." One is, one is very much a power, like a position of power, and one is one of great humility. If any of y'all know anything, please tell me. I'm drowning over here.

• 17:11Dr. John Delony?

  And you get the difference in posture?

• 17:13Speaker 00

  I do, I do.

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  Do you ever wonder if you start really crying on this thing, if you'll ever be able to stop?

• 17:21Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:23Dr. John Delony?

  I think you have to go there.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  I have been.

• 17:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You sound tough to me.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  A number... Well, there's a lot going on right now that's not this.

• 17:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 17:34Speaker 00

  I'll just say that.

• 17:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's fair.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  Um, but, uh, I have been there a half dozen times at least since this started.

• 17:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Okay. Yeah, I, I'm gonna get some hate on this call, and that's fine. Um, I...

• 17:52Dr. John Delony?

  The culture doesn't get a vote into my family's life and the culture can be nonsensical and insane sometimes. And yes, adults have a full right to not contact their parents, to not talk to them, especially in abusive situations. No question about it. And I'll support you to the end of the earth.

• 18:08Speaker 00

  And I wouldn't argue with that at all.

• 18:09Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 18:10Speaker 00

  That's absolutely appropriate.

• 18:12Dr. John Delony?

  And adults have the, have permission, have the right to, they're adults. They can just say, "I don't, everyone talk to you again. Don't call me, don't talk to me, whatever. We're done. Cool." You have a right to do that. And until you file a legal briefing on me, I'm gonna send you a letter once a month letting you know I'm still thinking about you. There's still a hole in my heart because I miss my kid and you can come home anytime. You can come home anytime and I'll meet you out in the parking lot. I'll come running to get you.

• 18:38Dr. John Delony?

  I think we've got this weird impasse that's happened and culturally, that if you're uncomfortable or you're not happy or somebody's not 100% in alignment with you, that that means you gotta end everything. My buddy Ian Simpkins said the other day, "Unity doesn't require uniformity." And I think that's right. Yeah, as for me and my house, my kids are gonna know, I'll come to the ends of the earth for you and beyond. And if that's culturally not cool, then so be it. Then so be it. And if I have things I have to apologize for, which God knows I do, I'll be the first to take a knee and apologize.

• 19:24Dr. John Delony?

  But that doesn't give parents the right to not be pretty self-critical, not look in the mirror and really be honest about what you might have brought to this situation. It's real easy for parents just to bomb their adult kids. And I think it's fair to do a lot of self-reflection when somebody that you love says, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you." We come back, we hear from a woman who wants to know if maybe having separate beds will improve her sex life. We'll be right back.

• 19:53Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:26Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:35Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly, did you, did you see there was some data that was sent around the other day about the show? Are we like at 30 million people a month are listening to this thing across? Seems like a wild number.

• 22:47Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the thing. Millions and millions and millions of people are consuming this show. I mean, it's a chunk. There it's, it's more than that. Okay, it's a lot of folks. And that when we look at the subscriptions and we look at the five star reviews, it's just a teeny tiny fraction of you. If you'll just take a second and hit the subscribe button and hit the like the five star review, it makes such a difference kicking this show up into more and more people's feed. And it just helps more people have a little bit better life. So if you love this show, please take a second and hit that subscribe button. It makes all the difference in the world. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Christine. What's up Christine?

• 23:25Speaker 02

  Hi.

• 23:25Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 23:27Speaker 02

  Oh, I, sorry, I'm a little nervous, but um.

• 23:30Dr. John Delony?

  I'm so nervous too, we're good.

• 23:33Speaker 02

  Um, but I, I was wondering if having separate beds would help uh me and my husband sex life.

• 23:40Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, what do you, what do you think?

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Well, I, I just kind of was contemplating it a little bit, um.

• 23:49Dr. John Delony?

  Why separate beds?

• 23:51Speaker 02

  A little bit of background, I think I have some.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Sorry, um.

• 23:56Dr. John Delony?

  You're good.

• 23:58Speaker 02

  I, I don't know how to describe this best, but when our first night in our first apartment after being married, I woke up to him screaming.

• 24:10Dr. John Delony?

  Take a deep breath, take a deep breath, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, sit with me for a second. No, don't, you better not apologize or I'm hanging up on you. No apologizing.

• 24:19Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sitting here right here, okay?

• 24:23Speaker 02

  I think there's a lot of elements into this, but I I have a lot of anxiety.

• 24:28Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Sit with me for a second.

• 24:31Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:32Dr. John Delony?

  You don't need to scramble on this one. How many little ones do you have back there with you?

• 24:37Speaker 02

  I'm sorry.

• 24:38Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good. I love that. It's one of my favorite noises in the world. Do what?

• 24:42Speaker 02

  I have three, one of them's asleep. The other two are children.

• 24:46Dr. John Delony?

  I love it, I love it. Okay. Do me a favor. Take your left hand.

• 24:53Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to open it as wide as you can. And stretch it all the way out, okay?

• 24:59Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:00Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to slowly close your pinky, and then your ring finger, and then your middle finger, and then your index finger, and then your thumb. And squeeze that as tight as you can.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  And then let go.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  Now, I can feel your shoulders up around your neck. Bring them down.

• 25:22Dr. John Delony?

  Alright.

• 25:24Dr. John Delony?

  So the first night you spent with your husband,

• 25:28Dr. John Delony?

  you woke up and he was screaming.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  He has a lot of neglect and trauma for his family.

• 25:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  That scare you?

• 25:44Speaker 02

  I, I won't mainly hurt for him.

• 25:48Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, I know, but did that scare you?

• 25:51Speaker 02

  Well, in that moment, yeah.

• 25:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:58Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you all been together?

• 26:00Speaker 02

  Seven, almost seven years, six, almost seven.

• 26:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. How many more times does that happen?

• 26:07Speaker 02

  That was the only time that's happened, but there's been other times he's woken up and his whole body is shaking. But that's the only time he's screaming.

• 26:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  And he's been on medication. Um, this, like, I had to convince him the first year of marriage to get on medication, and he's improved a lot. But he says a lot, but he can't sleep unless I'm next to him.

• 26:34Dr. John Delony?

  Unless you are next to him or not next to him?

• 26:36Speaker 02

  Unless I'm next to him.

• 26:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:39Speaker 02

  I think just he says the presence, my presence just brings a lot of comfort.

• 26:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  And relax, helps him relax. And I like that I can do that for him, but sometimes it's a lot.

• 26:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 26:58Dr. John Delony?

  In a moment, you can help regulate his nervous system, but that can't be your long-term solution.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, and he's been doing therapy on and off. Our finances have been hard, so it's kind of, there's been times we just can't afford it.

• 27:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  But...

• 27:14Dr. John Delony?

  What's he do for a living?

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Um, it's kind of been all over the place, but he's finally found something that he really loves, like enema trauma, um, in the sense of like manufacturing.

• 27:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 27:39Dr. John Delony?

  I'm hearing that...

• 27:39Speaker 02

  I think I...

• 27:40Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  Sorry. I just think I feel a lot of weight to stabilize him.

• 27:45Dr. John Delony?

  You do.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  Um, mentally and, and he's, he's, he is progressing, but it's really slow.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  You sound like you're somebody who is a really amazing person, and you're very kind, and you're very, very, very, very, very loyal.

• 28:06Dr. John Delony?

  And that you're on your last bit of energy before you slip underwater for good.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  Fair?

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 28:23Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna, normally I would, I would talk to you for a long time about this, but because of our condensed time together, I'm gonna be real, real direct, okay?

• 28:31Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  Don't take that for me not being loving. But I want to be real direct, okay?

• 28:38Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:39Dr. John Delony?

  If you crumble under the weight of all of this, you'll be of no good to yourself, or to those three little kids in the background, or to him.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? It's okay for you to say, "I've reached the end of what I can carry," because you're carrying the entire house, plus a grown man. Emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually. It's too much.

• 29:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 29:10Speaker 02

  And we've had conversations about it and I feel like you keep trying a little bit harder every time we talk about it.

• 29:18Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but Christine, it's not about trying harder.

• 29:21Dr. John Delony?

  He's gotta go get well.

• 29:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I know you say you can't afford it right now, there's gotta be some way to address that head on and figure that one out.

• 29:32Dr. John Delony?

  And that's where you take all the kids and you all move into a one-bedroom apartment for six months, that's where you have to go get a job and you gotta let some neighbor come in or your family come in and like, there's gotta be some sort of drastic change.

• 29:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:49Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you're all drowning financially, he feels that, he feels that shame, but also he's got some demons, right?

• 29:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:56Dr. John Delony?

  What did he experience growing up?

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Um, his dad would rage fit, um, and he's bipolar and then his mom's a borderline personality disorder and she would manipulate him to blow and he'd blow and he'd never physically hurt them, but you know, there'd be holes in the walls and there was always a worry if they had food.

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 30:23Speaker 02

  He became the parent to his siblings.

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  I'm sorry.

• 30:38Dr. John Delony?

  No, we're sorry, you sound tired.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Like I've been trying to, um, I'm starting a business and, um...

• 30:47Dr. John Delony?

  Is now a good time to start a business, Christine?

• 30:50Speaker 02

  Well, kind of out of necessity, we need something, um, and it seems like it's gonna be very profitable, but...

• 31:00Dr. John Delony?

  What's the business?

• 31:01Speaker 02

  I think, um, it's medical billing. Something I can do at home and that's what I can do at late at night when the kids are asleep.

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I had a friend of mine who did that well into the night for years.

• 31:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:18Dr. John Delony?

  What is your, when does your husband work?

• 31:21Speaker 02

  Um, he gets up at five and comes home at six forty.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  He works long and he can't push anymore overtime, you know, to be able to make a meeting because it's too much motion for him.

• 31:40Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have any support in your, in your area?

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Um, my mom helps out with the kids a lot.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  My sister's moving back in the state and she can help me.

• 31:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I wonder if you and your husband have a very honest sit down conversation about,

• 31:59Dr. John Delony?

  you, you gotta get some help. I can hear in the background, you just gotta get some help.

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 32:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. You gotta get some support and that might mean that your mother comes in, um, three days a week or four days a week and y'all pay her way under market rate to watch the kids. Um, and that's not ideal. It's not what you want, but it may be what you have to do.

• 32:25Dr. John Delony?

  He sounds like he is working his butt off from 5:00 AM to 6:30. He is just gunning and gunning and gunning. And in his mind, he's trying to quote unquote, work harder. I'm just telling you right now, given his childhood, it's just a recipe. He's gonna crash. And it's not saying working hard isn't important. Good grief, I've worked those hours for years, but it's about towards an end, not running, it's running to something, not from something.

• 32:52Dr. John Delony?

  And man, I know the season of three kids that are young and it's chaos and it's exciting and it's exhausting and all that stuff, but you have to have a, a, a support of some sort where you can have a phone call.

• 33:05Dr. John Delony?

  Where you can exhale.

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  Hang on the line, Christine. I'm gonna send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm gonna send you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want y'all to read that, you and your husband, and use that as a roadmap. The six daily choices. I want y'all to use that as a map and there's questions at the end of every chapter. Y'all sit down and answer those questions together. The second thing I'm gonna send you is, I'm gonna send you the Financial Peace University, the digital stuff, so that you and your husband can go through those lessons together. And you can get, begin to get your money under control. The third thing I'm gonna send you to EveryDollar app, the premium version, I'll give that to you for a year and you all two can use that together, you can align your money and you can get that attached to your bank account and you know, can start having honest conversations about if nothing changes, nothing changes. And we gotta have some, we gotta get some help.

• 33:51Dr. John Delony?

  Both emotional help and you gotta get some help with those kids, whether it's from your mom, whether it's from a neighbor, whether it's from a teenager, whether it's from your sister, who, whatever it is, and get very serious about it and regimented about it. And you all got to get some more income and here's the big one. Um, I'll give you a couple of months for free, three months free with better help for your husband, but he's gonna need some in-person trauma therapy. And this isn't just going to a counselor, hit and miss. He's gotta sit down with a trauma therapist in your area. It's gonna be expensive, but it's gonna be worth every penny of it. To say, it's time for me to get well, because I don't want to pass this on to the next generation. And I deserve to be free. Christine, you call anytime, I'm with you, I'm with you, I'm with you.

• 34:35Dr. John Delony?

  But I think an honest conversation about, I've, I've carried what I can carry for as long as I can carry it and I gotta set some of this stuff down. It's not gonna be an indictment of him, it's just gonna be a reorienting, you're both running as hard as you can. And there just has to be an honest reckoning with this, we, we gotta just set stuff down. And we gotta reconfigure this because we can't keep carrying it the way we're going. Have your husband give me a call anytime, Christine. Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, we're gonna talk to a man who's thinking about a career change that might help his family situation. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time and that's why I'm super jazzed to tell you about Bond Charge.

• 35:17Dr. John Delony?

  Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the crazy glow of fluorescent lights and in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies show it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy. Therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat. I use all of it. And listen, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production and improved blood flow. I got the mask and I'm looking beautiful.

• 36:02Dr. John Delony?

  Just wear it 10 minutes, a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams, no appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%. That's B O N C H A R G E. Bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%.

• 36:26Dr. John Delony?

  Chicago, Illinois. Let's talk to Mark. What's up, Mark?

• 36:32Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John, how's it going?

• 36:34Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, brother?

• 36:36Speaker 03

  Oh, just relaxing at home and enjoying a day off of work.

• 36:41Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, very cool, man. I wonder what that's like. That sounds awesome.

• 36:46Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, man?

• 36:46Speaker 03

  Good for now. So, yeah, I've been wrestling with a couple of things here over the last couple of weeks. Just trying to find that right balance of work and family time. And we have a seven-month-old daughter and...

• 37:07Dr. John Delony?

  Welcome to it, dude.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  I love her to death, man. It's one of the best things I've ever been doing in my life, really. And honestly, it's, I'm trying to figure out if this is, if I, if it's really the time for me to step into a role where I'm able to be home a lot more and help my wife raise our daughter. And it's just, you know, honestly, this job that I'm doing right now, it just is taking me, putting a lot of hours away from home and it's kind of beating me up mentally, physically every now and then.

• 37:53Dr. John Delony?

  So do you have a job in mind?

• 37:56Speaker 03

  Um, somewhat, uh, so I do have a little bit of experience in the financial background. Uh, before this job, I, uh, worked at a bank, uh, for a few years. Um, had regular hours, obviously, and, uh, I was treated real well. Uh, basically, the reason I moved to this role was something, it was something I was, uh, basically trained to do and, uh, basically went to, and actually went to school for it and...

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but let me ask you a question. Do you have a thing that you, you could go to?

• 38:33Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have a job that you could walk into? Do you have a job offer on the table? Or do you have a direction?

• 38:37Speaker 03

  I do not.

• 38:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What's the job you're doing now?

• 38:42Speaker 03

  Uh, so I'm a, a golf instructor.

• 38:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And do you like playing golf?

• 38:48Speaker 03

  I enjoy it. Uh, I don't play very much right now, just with how crazy work is.

• 38:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um...

• 39:01Dr. John Delony?

  I guess this is my big answer. I always want people to take six months to a year after a major life change.

• 39:10Dr. John Delony?

  Because

• 39:13Dr. John Delony?

  nobody's sleeping when you have a seven-month-old in the house. Your marriage takes a dip, like the research says that. The, the overall marriage satisfaction takes a dip because you have to readjust. You're, you're married to new people now. You'll have to create a new thing together.

• 39:27Dr. John Delony?

  And there's guilt. There is guilt on both sides. There is frustration on both sides. There is challenges on both sides.

• 39:37Dr. John Delony?

  And there's challenges moving forward together. Here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to quit your job.

• 39:43Dr. John Delony?

  A, with no other job. B, I don't want you to quit your job, go to a job that you didn't like before, but that would let you be home more, because here's what will end up happening. You'll blame this little lump of a one-year-old for your misery.

• 39:59Dr. John Delony?

  And that won't be fair to her. That won't be fair to your wife. It won't be fair to anybody.

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  If you love being a golf instructor and you love a job where you're outside, meeting new people, and you're shaking hands, and over the next year or two, you can start learning about businesses they're doing and ask, "How do you get into that business?" And then suddenly, you may be down a track you had no idea about, then that would be awesome, if you have an aim somewhere. But I guess I would tell you, if you want to get a new job, if you hate being a golf instructor, just have the courage to say, "I don't like being a golf instructor." Don't blame it on the seven-month-old. If you are finding, "I would rather not be at work, I'd rather be at home, I like being here with this little kid, I like being in the life of this kid," awesome, but I want you to have a conversation, an imaginary conversation, with 35-year-old you.

• 40:51Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:52Dr. John Delony?

  And say, "Are we glad that we didn't, that we put some more time in, and we're struggling here, and we're struggling here, and we're struggling here?" Or, "Would it have been better if I'd just hit the gas when the kid was seven months old, one-year-old, two-years-old, three-years-old, and now we're in a situation where we can exhale a little bit?" Only you can answer that question. Is your marriage struggling right now?

• 41:19Speaker 03

  Honestly, how I looked at it, Owen, last week was, came home after a rough day, and I, we're in a, we're good marriage-wise, but then sometimes we get into the habit of taking out frustrations and kind of snapping at each other, just because of a long day at work, and then we talk through it, and we're good otherwise with that. And we've, one of the good things about our marriage is that we don't yell at each other. If

• 41:59Speaker 03

  we have, if we feel like there's something going on, we actually sit down, talk it out very calmly, give each other a lot of room to air out their frustrations or anything, and then we can do it very calmly and very respectfully, at least.

• 42:21Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, respect is always important, but it doesn't even have to be calm. Sometimes calm can be a move. So, back all the way out, why do you want to change jobs?

• 42:35Speaker 03

  Because

• 42:38Speaker 03

  so part of me is a little fearful of not being home.

• 42:46Dr. John Delony?

  What are you afraid of?

• 42:50Speaker 03

  So my wife, she was also grew up in a house where her dad was not present as much because he was working. Very often he was, he traveled for work and everything and she went through that uh

• 43:06Speaker 03

  that time in her life and seeing her mom uh kind of having to raise her and her brother on her own a little bit. I don't want to have and also with uh my wife's work, uh she also has has her crazy busy times, late nights and everything and it would be a lot better balance for us um because our busy times actually kind of overlap a little bit and it gets a little

• 43:39Speaker 03

  and

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  She is she telling you to move? I can't, I can't get to the bottom of this dude. Like you talk, you're talking in like big looping, slow circles. It's like really big seasons a little bit. And then we have a fight, but it's, it's, it's okay. And then we have a disagreement, but it's, we just, we're calm and we're I'm trying to find some sort of, of and maybe you're just a total chill guy and the world needs more of people like you. I'm trying to find, I'm trying to poke and prod and see if I can find something that lights you up.

• 44:17Dr. John Delony?

  I can't feel, I can't, I can't get a grasp on what, what you love or what you want to do. It sounds like your whole life, you're trying to play defense.

• 44:27Dr. John Delony?

  And you're playing predictive defense. Well, this happened when she was a kid, so I'm going to go ahead and do this now. And then this happened, so it might happen here. And then this happened, it might happen here. Like what do you want to do?

• 44:40Speaker 03

  I want to have a little bit more peace in life, honestly.

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, is the peace coming because your wife doesn't like the life she has? Is the peace coming because your wife feels like she is recreating her childhood home? And she has some scars from that? Is the peace coming that you quit being a banker? And then you started working as a golf pro and you kind of hate it? Like, what's the peace coming from? Because a seven-month-old is gonna stare at you. And if you want a seven-month-old to give you peace, that's not fair to the seven-month-old. They don't have the ability to do that.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  No.

• 45:20Dr. John Delony?

  And if you think working less and being around home more is gonna help, it will not. If working less allows you to be present in home and do things that add to the flow of your house, that will help. But if you're trying to do things because your wife doesn't like the life she is co-creating, that's a recipe for a car crash. Or if you're trying to make her happy, or she's frustrated, and you're trying to figure out a thing that you can do. You get what I'm saying?

• 45:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:59Dr. John Delony?

  Am I off?

• 46:01Speaker 03

  No, you're actually, I've wrestled with this before. And the, and it's tough because I've seen it both ways of where having the life at home, having that time with family, being able to take care of things around the house, being, and just able to, having a life outside of work, then...

• 46:32Speaker 03

  Also trying to find that. And I've listened to your show and everything I've seen some of the other stuff that you've discussed of trying to find that passion. And that's kind of what drove me to golf in the first place when I was younger was the passion for it. And then on and some of the things that you've said in the past, it's kind of interesting of how that has kind of crept in my mind of where you can, you don't have to be passionate about something to do it for a long amount of time. And I'm trying to figure out what

• 47:13Speaker 03

  that, what would be if, if, because honestly, right now, what I love doing more than anything, what I feel like my first and highest purpose right now is to be a father and be a husband that is present and able to help at home. And working 60 hours a week sometimes does not, it just gets in the way of that.

• 47:56Dr. John Delony?

  I just, I just gotta disagree with you, brother. Because that my number one calling on planet earth is to be a good husband, followed immediately by being a good father. And I work a lot. And the antidote to being a good father and being a present husband is not quitting your job. It is being united with your partner and saying, what must be true for us to have the life that we want to co-create together?

• 48:32Dr. John Delony?

  And granted, some spouses will say, "I need you here. At 5 o'clock, I need you here." And so, we're gonna sit down and have a conversation about what that means job-wise, what that means financially, what that... Like, we're gonna have that all painted as a conversation.

• 48:52Dr. John Delony?

  In my house, there were seasons, and I've talked about this publicly, where I was crazy busy, writing books, being on the road, doing media, jumping on a plane and flying across the country to do a speaking engagement, going on a tour, I was all over the place. The problem was, it was all for me.

• 49:13Dr. John Delony?

  Now, I am busier than I've ever been, ever. And I feel more present and more connected.

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  And my marriage is stronger than it has ever been.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  And that's not a flex, that's just, it comes from so many scars and so many broken bones, relational broken bones, and so many like, missteps and messing up.

• 49:38Dr. John Delony?

  To where, the season I'm in right this moment, when you and I are having this call, my wife and I planned in July.

• 49:46Dr. John Delony?

  And what does that mean? That means, I flew in last night from an event, in the middle of the night, and I got up this morning at 6:00 and I took my son to breakfast.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  So, I'm tired.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  And that's exactly how we drew it up. And tonight, I'll be at my kitchen table for dinner, and then tomorrow, I fly out again. To go across the country.

• 50:11Dr. John Delony?

  But, just quitting my job, doesn't help with presence. It does mean, when I walk in the front door, my phone is off, off, off. It does mean, when I walk in the front door, the TV is off, off, off. And it does mean, for seasons, I'm very tired. Hang on the line, I'm gonna send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book. It's work you're called work you're wired to do. And it's got an assessment inside of it that you can take. And it will lean you towards, give you some options and maybe some things you might be interested in checking out. But I think it's also worth a conversation with your wife, saying this exact thing. Hey, we have a seven month old, me and you. We have a family. We made a human. This is awesome. And our marriage is completely different. And so let's clear the deck and let's rebuild our marriage.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  How do you want this house to feel when you walk in? What brings you laughter? It brings you joy? Tell me about your work schedule. Do you still love your job? What am I gonna want to do? What are we seeing in each other? And let's have that conversation because we need to rebuild something together so that we can both move forward. And sometimes that will take 60 hours a week. And sometimes that will take one of you just quitting and staying at home full time. And sometimes that'll take you both working full time and you're gonna have to get some support and help. It's gonna be all over the place, depending on where you live and what you do and your economic situation, all those crazy factors.

• 51:28Dr. John Delony?

  But I want to challenge you and all the men listening to this.

• 51:34Dr. John Delony?

  Wanting to be a, just I want to be a better husband and a better dad. That means I gotta quit my job. It's just absolutely not true. It's just not true. If you're using work as a drug, maybe.

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  If you're using work as a way to escape your family, maybe.

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  If you're just tired and bored, it's not a reason to quit. Thanks for the call, man. When we come back, something cool happens and Kelly's gonna let us know what it is.

• 52:03Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, listen, therapy is not just for people who are dealing with major traumas. It can be for that big stuff, but it can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. I've personally used therapy for working through major trauma, as well as helping me navigate daily relationship and personal challenges. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide Access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for you.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, what something cool happened? You put some pictures in front of me here.

• 53:13Speaker 04

  I did. All right, this is from Beth, and the pictures that John is looking at, we're also going to put on the screen. So Beth writes, "I'm an elementary school teacher, and I heard you talking about how you don't make New Year's resolutions, but instead you ask yourself, how do I want to show up for myself in 2025? Who do I want to be? I took that idea and brought it to my first grade classroom. We didn't make resolutions when we came back from winter break. Instead, we brainstormed characteristics that we wanted to have in the new year. I had to break it down to first grade language, but I really liked how it came out." So these, these are hanging up in my classroom, and we refer to these things when things get harder, when behaviors start to slip. Here are some pictures.

• 53:55Dr. John Delony?

  Well, this is not first grade language. Every adult needs to do this. This is amazing.

• 54:01Speaker 04

  So what, for those that aren't seeing it, what it is, each student had a cutout of a, of a person, and they colored it, made it, you know, into a little boy or little girl, whatever they wanted to wear, and then they wrote, um...

• 54:15Dr. John Delony?

  Like some descriptor, descriptive adjectives.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, descriptive adjectives that they wanted to be. Do you want to explain what some of those are?

• 54:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so this one kid wrote generous, peaceful, empathetic, kind, brave, polite.

• 54:30Dr. John Delony?

  Um, one person wrote grateful, kind, honest, brave, calm, loving, empathetic. So I'm assuming that if a kid gets spun up or the kid's got challenges with something and the teacher can bring him back and say, okay, here's who we are gonna be, how do we get here? And you're teaching the kid, like, where are you not feeling kind or where are you not feeling calm? And I think one of the, I think every school on planet Earth should have a class teaching you to identify your emotions and where they came from. That way you don't spew all over the place.

• 55:03Speaker 04

  If nothing else, just watch Inside Out with them.

• 55:07Dr. John Delony?

  God almighty.

• 55:08Speaker 04

  I mean, start there.

• 55:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 55:10Speaker 04

  But she said that she keeps these hanging in the classroom, so the kids are seeing them every day.

• 55:13Dr. John Delony?

  That's fantastic.

• 55:14Speaker 04

  It's fantastic.

• 55:15Dr. John Delony?

  And it also reminds you of, Sheila and I had to check in with our monthly, I mean, with our annual thing yesterday. I'm so far off. I'm so far off, God help me. But maybe I should make a little thing and dangle it in front of me all the time.

• 55:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, do you want us to make a little cut out of a John for you?

• 55:31Dr. John Delony?

  Kind of.

• 55:32Speaker 04

  I mean, I have one, it's a voodoo doll, but it's close.

• 55:34Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. Whatever, you framed it, put it by your bed, I saw that.

• 55:37Speaker 04

  Tomato, tomato.

• 55:38Dr. John Delony?

  I saw that. Jeez Louise, that's because I took away your John doll that you had because it was creepy. You carried it around and kind of pet it.

• 55:45Speaker 04

  Uh huh. No, I had pins in it, that wasn't petting, it was sticking it with pins.

• 55:48Dr. John Delony?

  No, you had pins in it. What, jeez. This is amazing. So what's this woman's name?

• 55:53Speaker 04

  This is Beth.

• 55:54Dr. John Delony?

  Beth, you're a hero. You're an absolute, like, absolute stone hero, teaching these kids this. And every adult, you need to do this too. Identify, who do you want to be? Who, what do you want people to say about you when you're not in the room? That guy's a complete and total bee hole. No. Um, that person's delightful. That person makes me feel happy all the time. That person makes me laugh, always, always. That person's a little bit chaotic, but a little bit awesome. Like, whatever it is, that person's empathetic. I love saying, being around that person, they're so generous. And then I think the big kicker is you gotta remind yourself over and over and over again. Good call. Love you guys, bye.