The Financial Tea of Moving in with Your Boyfriend

Haley spills the tea on couple finances and what she's learned from moving in with a partner, bringing you her financial playbook for how to approach this milestone! Financial Tea with Mrs. Dow Jones is a Sony Music Entertainment production. Find more great podcasts from Sony Music Entertainment at sonymusic.com/podcasts and follow us at @sonypodcasts To bring your brand to life in this podcast, email [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Haley Sacks?

  Okay, so I just gave my apartment a major refresh and hands down, the hardest thing to get right was the rug. I just couldn't find one that fit right. And I really wanted something that pulled the room together because like a rug is a big deal. But then I found Ernesta and Ernesta's amazing, you guys. It makes designer quality rugs, custom cut to the exact size of your space. So it actually fits instead of almost fits and looks great the first time. Like in the past, I've just defaulted to stock sizes when buying rugs. And also like when you're in a New York City apartment, that really just doesn't cut it, but they're all weirdly shaped. But with Ernesta, you can send photos and dimension to Ernesta's design team and they help you get the size exactly right, completely free of charge.

• 0:45Haley Sacks?

  Hand selected by design experts, Ernesto rugs are beautiful, they're durable, and they're made for the way you actually live. Cut, finished and delivered in as little as two weeks. Visit ernesta.com and order five samples for only $10 and you will get $50 toward any rug of your choice. That is E R N E S T A dot com. Okay, we all love to romanticize being your own boss, but even when you have a team, you still end up being the bookkeeper, the marketing department, and the person rearranging appointments at 11:00 PM. And that work isn't just annoying, it is expensive. And it's especially taxing for businesses that run on appointments. So if you own a business that takes bookings,

• 1:28Haley Sacks?

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• 2:11Haley Sacks?

  know that podcast you love where I teach you how to build wealth with a side of market drama, money scandals, and of course, financial pop culture? Yeah, that one. And today I am spilling the financial tea because guess what? Your girl is moving in with her boyfriend. Just kidding, he's moving in with me because I had a bigger apartment. But the point is, we are merging spiritually, physically, financially. Because you know, a move in takes work. Suddenly, all your costs are intertwined. So honey, we gotta talk through it. Hopefully, this will be helpful. And if you have any thoughts on cohabitation, let me know. Leave it in the comments. I read every comment. So keep them coming. I respond to them. I love to hear from you. Oh, and don't

• 2:53Haley Sacks?

  forget to rate, review, and subscribe to the show. It really helps us. Like truly, I want to do a season two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. And the only way we're going to be able to do that is if we have subscribers. So please give it a subscribe if you like the show and you want to hear more of us. But yeah, now let's get into what's happening behind closed doors, which is that I'm just like with my boyfriend and love living together and like what that means for our wallets. Shall we? This is Financial Tea.

• 3:24Haley Sacks?

  Let's start off by talking about why we moved in together, which was of course, to save money. Just kidding. It was not to save money. Okay, yes, we are saving money by splitting rent. And that is definitely a perk. But I want to be clear, you should never move in with a partner for the sole purpose of saving money. Because then the relationship could implode and you could be stuck. And this actually happened to my friend Samantha, who was living with this guy in LA. And it was a horrible relationship. And she got stuck in the relationship for like a year longer than she should have, just because she didn't have the money to move out. So be careful. Don't move in just to save money. Move in because you really want to spend time together.

• 4:05Haley Sacks?

  And like, that's the next step. But the relationship decision comes with financial implications, and those we are going to talk about. And what I mean by that is when you move in together, you have to talk about money in a way that you never have with this person. So the first step, I would say to moving in together is really just being financially naked with each other and saying how much you each make. Because you need to know how much bacon they're bringing home, how much bacon you're bringing home, so that then you can split the bacon proportionally when you decide how much you are each going to pay for rent. Because let me be clear, I do not believe that couples finances should be 50/50. I believe in being fair, not equal. Like if one person makes $100,000 and the other person makes $300,000, why would they

• 4:49Haley Sacks?

  both pay the same amount for rent? That's three times more money for the person who makes $100,000 than the other person. That's not fair. So you have to both say how much you make. Just be transparent. Let them in, let them know, so that you can figure out what the right way to split, like what your ratios should be. With Mr. Dow Jones, we actually make the same amount, not to brag, which is very rare for a couple, by the way. Like I, we really got lucky that we just were coming in with the same pies. We have the same amount of bacon. So we did end up splitting things 50/50. But if I had been like, you actually make, you know, three times more than me, then I would expect him to pay three times more rent. And same with vice versa. So that's really the first conversation. And I know that I'm like hyped up as I say this to

• 5:31Haley Sacks?

  you, and I'm being like intense. But I will also say that when you talk to someone about finances, it's good to be relaxed, like sort of have the stoner attitude. That's something I've learned too, is like, you want to make it really nonchalant when you talk about money. Because the more that you energize it and make it a big deal, the more they're going to think that it's a big deal to you, and then they're going to get worked up. But I honestly made a huge financial mistake with the whole move in thing where I thought that rent was like the big thing. I was like, great, we're financially transparent. We know how much each other makes. We're going to split rent 50/50. Got it. Like whole Venmo meet. Because obviously, I want to put rent on my built card and get those points. You know, I'm a whore for those points, baby. But then, when we were living together, I was like, fuck, there's all these other expenses that we didn't

• 6:14Haley Sacks?

  account for. So we had to go back to the drawing board and create a system around those two. Like, no one tells you when you move in, that you need to budget for the toilet paper and the, you know, if you have a housekeeper and the dry cleaning and like, you know, if you're sharing a pet, Mr. obviously has a father now. It's huge for him. You know, is he paying for the dog food, things like that. And so you have to add that in to the budget so that everything feels fair. And I think fair is really the most important word here, because in order for the relationship to work and feel really healthy, you both have to feel that you're contributing proportionally the fair amount. And I didn't feel like it was fair at the beginning

• 6:56Haley Sacks?

  because I was like, oh no, I'm just because he moved into my apartment and I had all these systems already set up that were on my card. Like, sure, give me your clothes. I'll send it to my dry cleaner. Oh, I have it on Amazon subscription for us to get the toilet paper, whatever. And then I was like, wait, hold on. These are all shared expenses that we need to discuss. So I called an emergency money date, and we have since created a system for those two. And the system that we decided on was to get a shared credit card. And a lot of people do like shared bank accounts and things like that. I will say, whenever you're tying yourself to someone financially, you need to first check their credit score and make sure that they are someone that you should be tied to financially. Because if they take that credit

• 7:38Haley Sacks?

  card and go on a shopping spree, you are on the line for half of that money, honey. So you got to make sure that you avoid that. But yeah, we decided on a shared credit card, just so we can put all those things. Something like being queued on a Sunday night, being like, I'm ordering tacos. Do you want one? Then becomes this financial recurring cost of why am I always paying for our tacos? And it builds resentment. So I think that's also the biggest thing when you're in a relationship, is figuring out your financial systems. Because if you don't, then you end up just shouldering those costs and it will make you resent the other person. If you're going to be with this person for a long time, like a lot of people who move in together, get married, you know, like life progresses, it gets more serious, then it sort

• 8:18Haley Sacks?

  of gives you a hint of what that's going to be like. And he was really receptive and really open to it. When I suggested, okay, let's get a shared credit card for these expenses that are incurring because we live together, that I shouldn't be paying for. And I was talking to a lot of my friends who've lived with their partners about the shared credit card thing. And they were all like, oh yeah, we had shared credit cards way before we got married. Just because I think that it's like a very easy way to have your shared costs. Like even if you're like going to the airport together, put the Uber on the shared credit card. Or you know what I mean? Just like those things that shouldn't be one person paying or the other, you're both on the line for it. And I obviously have been using the credit card for Net-a-Porter.

• 9:03Haley Sacks?

  I've been getting my nails done. No, I'm kidding. I haven't done any of that. It's, but maybe I should. Just kidding. But maybe I'm not. And it's like, if he invites you to a wedding, like, should you be able to use a shared credit card for that dress? Yes. And for your glam, of course. And for like new shoes, obviously. No, I'm kidding. You have to be respectful with the shared credit card. But also, maybe you don't.

• 9:26Haley Sacks?

  I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

• 9:30Speaker 01

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• 10:16Haley Sacks?

  The other thing that I really wanted to flag about moving in with a partner is like the sneaky lifestyle things that happen where like everyone has a different relationship to money. And it's so formed with how you grew up. Like we, I always say your relationship to money is formed by the time you're seven years old. And that's because that is an actual data point. I don't just say it, there's science behind it. And when you live with someone, you see all of that. So like little things like, do you want to get a housekeeper or not? But also like for me, I grew up with a mom who really takes care of my dad. Like she is an amazing partner to him, but like in a very traditional sense, like, you know, she makes, he doesn't really eat real food. He just eats chocolate frozen yogurt.

• 10:58Haley Sacks?

  So she makes sure there's always chocolate frozen yogurt and like fruit wherever he goes. You know, he's got all the things that he needs. Like she really takes care of him. But I always wanted to be in a relationship. And my intention in my relationship is to be equals. I don't want to be that traditional wife. I want to be a partner with my partner where it's like they really take care of me and I take care of them. But what I realized at the beginning of moving in together was that I was definitely being more like my mom, even though that wasn't my intention in the relationship. It was just coming out because like, I don't know, that was what I've absorbed of like what it means to live together and like start to form this more serious partnership.

• 11:39Haley Sacks?

  And so with the help of therapy, I had to take a step back and sort of reframe that. And it's something that I'm definitely working through because I don't want to be in a relationship where it's like, I am a homemaker. You know what I mean? Like I'm down to make a home, but it's like, we'll make a home together. And it was just interesting to me that that came up because I'm obviously like, all my content is about like women, being independent and like equality in relationships. And I was like, damn, but I sort of am like trying to take care of him in this really traditional sense, and I had to walk that back a little. And by the way, it's not that he wants me to do that. Like I think a relationship really is just a mirror to yourself and like what you need to work on.

• 12:19Haley Sacks?

  And so it's been really interesting too, just from a more psychological deep perspective, figuring out what my money habits and biases are about like a woman in the home. And, you know, trying to work through those and be intentional about how I show up. Okay, wait, speaking of mirrors, this whole move in thing has also been a mirror to my value system because I've realized that I am someone who will absolutely pay for convenience. Whereas I am dating someone who's very independent, very DIY. And like, really will just do everything himself, which is amazing. But like, I'm like, let's book the Task Rabbit. Let's like get a housekeeper. Like I have an amazing assistant, like can we help you move? Things like that.

• 13:04Haley Sacks?

  And trying to sort of create a system of support around our lives, which I think because I have a business too, and you need so much support to run a business. That's sort of like how I look at operating my personal life too. And how I think that I'll look at having kids as well, which is also why moving in together is really cool. Cause it lets you think about like, okay, how am I going to spend money on my life going forward through all of these life steps? Like, what is that going to mean? And I'm like, oh, well, I'm definitely going to want help. Like Haley's gonna need some nannies, you know, like things like that. And so what I've learned or what we've decided that I think feels really fair is like the things that I really want support on that he doesn't really care, like he would DIY, I just pay for.

• 13:49Haley Sacks?

  Like if we need to paint something, I'm like, let's get, I'm just going to get a Task Rabbit versus waiting for him to like be free and get the paint and all this stuff. If I have like an urgency to it, which I do whenever I move or you know, whenever I change things in my apartment, I want it to be done really fast. I don't like being in that in-between. I find it really destabilizing. So I'm very much like, let's throw money at the problem, get someone to come help us and like, we'll go from there. And so that wasn't even really a conversation. I just paid for that without saying anything because I was like, this is not his value system at all. This is mine being not a DIYer and but wanting to make haste. And so let's just do this because for my mental health, I need this crossed off my list. And he went with it.

• 14:32Haley Sacks?

  But the same thing applies to like when you're buying furniture together, things like that. Like say, you know, you really want to get a new couch, but your partner is totally fine with the couch that you have now. Should you force them to split the cost of a new couch with you? Because you're both going to enjoy that couch? Or should you just pay for the couch because that's something that you really want? I personally think though, actually in that scenario, if you wanted to get a new couch, you're both going to use the couch, you should split it. Like if the old couch is shitty and you need a new couch, but the other person is like fine with a shitty couch, but you really want a new couch, you guys should split the new couch. You know what I mean? But like, if it's something that's totally egregious, like you want to buy a leopard chair or something that is just like impractical

• 15:14Haley Sacks?

  and a fun flourish to the apartment that they don't really care about, then they should pay for it. We have that in our apartment too. There's like this gorgeous bar that my partner bought. He wanted to get a bar, like that was important for him. So he paid for the bar. And like, if anything happened between us, I don't think so. Like I love him so much, I want to be with him forever. But I would be like, you should take the bar. Like that's yours, you paid for it, you know? Whereas if we split a couch, it would get a bit more complicated.

• 15:43Haley Sacks?

  Which leads me to my next point, which is sort of gruesome. It's about having a conversation before you move in together about what would happen if you were to break up. Jared Freed, when he was on the show, said something that I think about all the time where he was like, you have to be so delusional to be in a relationship because you really do have to convince yourself like this is it. Like we're going to be together forever, all these things. And it's amazing, but also like, we all know that sometimes things don't work out. And who you move in with is not who you're going to move out of the apartment with. Like you should figure out the terms of everything when times are really good. And I look at this the same way as I look at getting a prenup, where it's not necessarily the most sexy conversation,

• 16:28Haley Sacks?

  but it is the most responsible one that will sort of help future you navigate some things. And what I'm really talking about here is the lease. Like who's going to live in the apartment when you guys break up? Or are you guys going to both move out and get new places? Like just having some understanding of that, I think is really healthy. And you know, it just shows you that you can go to these places that are not necessarily comfortable with your partner and come out alive. Like all of these are good tests for your relationship because a relationship should be like a rubber band. Like it should be able to expand and contract. It should be durable. And not every conversation, a moment that you have with your partner, even if you love them so much and they're your best friend,

• 17:11Haley Sacks?

  is going to be like the most fun, amazing conversation that you've ever had. Because part of being with someone is combining lives with them. And that means a lot of logistics and a lot of hard conversations. You know, a lot of hard times are going to come with being someone for a long term. So you have to be able to get through all of that and communicate around it. And I think this is, you know, moving in is sort of this really good stepping stone and test and practice for those other life moments that are certainly going to come your way. And then the other lever that I also want you to pull before you move in is not only having that cohabitation agreement discussion, but also making sure that you have an emergency fund. I have this friend Lisa who was living with this guy.

• 17:54Haley Sacks?

  She made the cardinal sin, you guys, of moving in just to save money, which I mean, expenses are so high right now, I get it. But it was so not the right person. And so obviously it imploded, but she had no emergency fund. And so she was literally stuck in this horrible relationship. And by the way, the guy was like physically abusive. Like it wasn't just like, they didn't like each other. He was a really bad guy and she could not get out of it just because she did not have enough money to get her own place. And it's also really scary because she's moving in now with her new boyfriend that I also don't like. And again, doesn't have an emergency fund. And again, this is like a bad guy. And I'm like, holy shit, you are about to get trapped for like three years, even if this isn't the right person and you're unhappy because you're not going to be able to get out of the situation.

• 18:38Haley Sacks?

  So I would say it's really important to be able to walk away if you need to. And that's another example of why you shouldn't move in just to save money. Okay, now that I've given you every single horror story that I've ever heard about move-ins, I do want to add one silver lining, which is that moving with your partner does rock. It is literally like having a sleepover with your best friend every night. I freaking love it. I think that it's the best thing ever. And I also think that like, it's helped me grow, you know? Like even though I talk about money for a living and I really tell everyone to be open and you know, live their lives in a certain way. I think that it's a lot harder to walk the walk than it is to talk the talk. And this has been a good practice for me to walk the walk. And you know, it's not always easy.

• 19:23Haley Sacks?

  Like money is something that can feel really emotional and weighted. And the best thing that you can do is try and just push against that and communicate anyways. Because hopefully the person that you're talking to doesn't see it that way and just wants to get on the same page with you. And that's definitely been the case in my situation. And honestly, it's been like a good mirror. Like who needs therapy? You just move in with your partner and then you'll just get to meet your like inner child and realize that she secretly wants to be a trad wife and you'll have to put her to rest. So sorry, little Haley. We are girl bossing to the sun. Okay, let me know in the comments if you have any move in questions, comments, concerns. I read every comment, we usually respond to them. We'd love to hear from you. And yes, please do not forget to rate, review and subscribe.

• 20:06Haley Sacks?

  Like I said, we're trying to make so many seasons of the show and that's really what helps us keep doing this. You know what it is, we are business women. And most importantly, don't forget to stay rich.

• 20:24Speaker 01

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