Pod Insights The Dr. John Delony Show My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me About this episode On today’s episode, we hear about:
· A mom concerned about her son dating a much older woman
· A wife wondering how to communicate with her husband in a healthy way
· A man struggling after donating an organ and not hearing any response
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Transcript 10,312 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:05 Speaker 00 My 20-year-old son, he has started a relationship with a 37-year-old woman, and I want to know if I'm irrational for trying to steer him away from her.
0:18 Dr. John Delony? How old are you?
0:19 Speaker 00 I'm 39.
0:21 Dr. John Delony? Oh, no way!
0:29 Dr. John Delony? What's up, what's up, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
0:34 Dr. John Delony? Coming to you live, in reverse, from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, and your relationships, and whatever you've got going on in your life. I'd love to hear from you. Shoot me an email. For you older folks, that's an electronic letter that you just hit send on. You don't even have to put a stamp on it. For you younger folks, it's a long-form DM. You don't slide into an email as much as you just walk down the hall. But however you get it to me, johndeloney.com/ask, F-O-R-O-U-M, and hit send, and it'll go to Kelly, and she may call you up. Wake me up before you go. I can tell you right now, this is gonna be a tough show.
1:19 Dr. John Delony? I know I tell you, Kelly.
1:21 Speaker 02 For those that don't know,
1:24 Speaker 02 it's already been a tough show, and it just started.
1:28 Speaker 02 This is our fifth show recording this week.
1:30 Dr. John Delony? It's gonna be a tough show. And that's not in addition to all the other media.
1:33 Speaker 02 Yeah, everybody else, everybody's a little fried around the edges today.
1:38 Speaker 02 Being honest.
1:38 Dr. John Delony? Not me. I am full go, full tilt.
1:42 Speaker 02 Let's just get started.
1:43 Dr. John Delony? I'm 100%. Or as the great Doc Holliday said, "I'm in my prime."
1:48 Speaker 02 Yes, we actually watched Tombstone last night.
1:50 Dr. John Delony? That makes you a good family.
1:53 Speaker 02 It's a great movie. It's one of my top five of all time.
1:55 Dr. John Delony? Every single time, 100% of the time.
1:59 Dr. John Delony? Those guys over by the river ask, "Why are you doing this doc?" And Doc said, "Oh dude, it's happening again because I'm tired and I'm getting choked up." He said, "'Cause Wyatt's my friend." And he said, "I've got lots of friends." A lot of friends. And he goes, "I don't." "I cry every time." Because I have friends like that, that on their deathbed would be like, "If we're going to dance and we're going to hide a body, I'll be there. Give me a minute." And, oh my gosh. "'Cause Wyatt's my friend." What a great line. Tucson, Arizona, let's talk to Denise. What's up Denise?
2:31 Speaker 00 Hi, Dr. John.
2:32 Dr. John Delony? What's going on?
2:33 Speaker 00 Thanks for taking my call. Doing good, thank you.
2:36 Dr. John Delony? Awesome. What's going on? How can I help?
2:39 Speaker 00 Oh, Dr. John, um, my question is about parenting an adult child.
2:43 Dr. John Delony? Okay, good, because my nine-year-old is not having me right now. And so, I need to pass on nine-year-old parenting questions, but I'm happy to lecture you on adult child questions. What's up?
2:53 Speaker 00 Please do. Um, so my 20-year-old son, he's my oldest. He has started a relationship with a 37-year-old woman, and I want to know if I'm irrational for trying to steer him away from her.
3:09 Dr. John Delony? How old are you?
3:11 Speaker 00 I'm 39.
3:14 Dr. John Delony? No way. Have you tried to fight her, like at a pool hall?
3:19 Speaker 00 No, I haven't met her. So, no.
3:22 Dr. John Delony? Good gosh.
3:23 Speaker 00 But I want to.
3:23 Dr. John Delony? How'd you find out? He's dated a 37-year-old. He just came home and volunteered that?
3:28 Speaker 00 No, of course not, no. Um, so my son got a job with my husband with, through his work.
3:33 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
3:34 Speaker 00 And so, he met her through work.
3:37 Dr. John Delony? So she, this woman works with your husband?
3:40 Speaker 00 Oh, well, yeah. She's one of my husband's employees.
3:44 Dr. John Delony? Ooh.
3:47 Dr. John Delony? Dang Gina.
3:48 Speaker 00 Usually, most of the information I gather is either through word of mouth, through coworkers from my husband, or actually me through social media.
4:01 Dr. John Delony? Dude. Your son is dating a woman who's your age.
4:07 Speaker 00 Yeah. Exactly.
4:09 Dr. John Delony? So what do you propose to do?
4:12 Speaker 00 Well, I've tried having conversations with him in regards to what he wants for his future. And so far, all I've gotten is like one word answers and I don't see any resolution of this ever stopping anytime soon. He seems adamant that he's gonna be dating her.
4:31 Dr. John Delony? You had your son when you were 19?
4:34 Speaker 00 Yes, correct.
4:36 Dr. John Delony? Put yourself back in 18-year-old you's shoes. Some adult wants to come talk to you about love and sex and connection. How would that go?
4:48 Speaker 00 Um, I think I would have been stubborn.
4:50 Dr. John Delony? (laughing).
4:54 Speaker 00 I'm gonna do it my way.
4:55 Dr. John Delony? How old's your husband?
4:57 Speaker 00 My husband is 41.
4:58 Dr. John Delony? 41?
5:00 Speaker 00 We've been married for 21 years.
5:01 Dr. John Delony? So imagine a 39-year-old woman talking to your 21-year-old husband about sex and love and what's the next right move?
5:14 Speaker 00 I haven't, I haven't thought about that, Dr. John.
5:17 Dr. John Delony? What would he have said? I mean, you knew him at 21. What would he have said? What would he have said if he came to you at 21? He's like, hey, we're gonna stop having sex. Somebody sat down and told me, um, our future's more important and we might get pregnant at 19 and we, we need to do X, Y, and Z first. I'm gonna go, like, what would you, can you, is that, is that, like, that's, you started laughing. That's like comical, right?
5:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:41 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. And I'm not saying what your 20-year-old's doing is right. I mean, clearly, he's in over his head, okay? Um, but, but the, the process of trying to lecture and talk him through X, Y, and Z is really relatively futile. He's a 20-year-old man.
6:00 Dr. John Delony? Now, here's where you can tighten the screws up, and here's where, where I would tighten the screws up. And it's not just about him dating a 37-year-old. It's any number of things, is looking at where I am contributing to his life.
6:14 Dr. John Delony? Meaning, if you wanna be an adult and make adult decisions and you still live in my house?
6:21 Dr. John Delony? I'm still paying your car insurance, you're still on my cellphone plan, I'm still paying for your college, I'm putting groceries in your fridge, I'm not gonna contribute to that. I love you, I'll sit with you when this goes well, or this goes sideways, but I'm not gonna financially contribute to a life that I see you're in a, you're fast approaching a brick wall, and you're in a car with a foot, with a gas pedal all the way down the floor. So, does he still live with you?
6:55 Speaker 00 Yeah, he does. Um, well, he went off to college, so he, well, initially, he went off to college for two semesters, he didn't do so well, he was out of state.
7:05 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
7:05 Speaker 00 And then, when it didn't work out well, through his bad decisions, we brought him to live with us in Arizona, and since then, he's been working at my husband's work, and, um...
7:16 Dr. John Delony? What's the deal with this woman? Your husband knows her.
7:18 Speaker 00 Yeah, I mean, he doesn't know her, know her, but he knows her very, like, he sees her around the facility, but...
7:25 Dr. John Delony? She doesn't work for him, she just works with him?
7:27 Speaker 00 Um, well, my husband's in, like, a leadership role, so he talks to the employees, but he's not, like...
7:34 Dr. John Delony? Has he fired her?
7:35 Speaker 00 Side by side. No, he has not. He's actually trying to be very careful about not doing anything wrong, because everybody at work knows about this, so, even make jokes, like, "Oh, there's your future daughter-in-law."
7:47 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, for sure. And by the way, I would be 100% making those jokes, by the way.
7:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, and it is kinda funny, but it's not.
7:55 Dr. John Delony? No, it's not funny at all, but, that's kind of one of my, one of my character flaws.
8:00 Speaker 00 That's all right, you're fine.
8:02 Dr. John Delony? I, I usually know I'm not gonna be friends with somebody if they say the words too soon. I'm like, "Hey, we're probably not gonna be good friends."
8:08 Speaker 00 I mean, we've recently started having him pay us rent, because he was living here rent-free, so, I mean, is that reasonable?
8:19 Dr. John Delony? Here's the deal, anything you wanna do is reasonable. Here's what your son needs to know, like, what you want is to have your son do what you want him to do, but you don't want the parental pressure of having to tighten the screws down, and make him choose between the comfort his mom has given him, and the painful realities of being an adult.
8:49 Dr. John Delony? And you can't have both.
8:52 Speaker 00 No.
8:57 Dr. John Delony? And a lot of, especially young mothers, they're, they're, who, or even with adult kids, their kid is their entire identity.
9:10 Dr. John Delony? And I don't like to tell him, no, I don't like to tell him, you have to move out. I don't like to tell him, you can't, we can't afford this college. I don't like to tell him, you gotta drive this old, beat up car.
9:22 Dr. John Delony? Cause if he feels bad, then I feel bad because he is my entire identity. And I'm, I don't wanna cast that on you, but I hear that a lot.
9:31 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm. Well, he's not my only child. I also have a 14-year-old son.
9:35 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, we don't care about him.
9:36 Speaker 00 I mean, he's-
9:36 Dr. John Delony? I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. So, um, here's the thing.
9:43 Dr. John Delony? You can sit down with him and say, look, I don't approve of this relationship. I think it's dangerous for you. I think you're being preyed upon by somebody twice your age. You can do that. And you can say, so as somebody who is the main funder of your life, I'm cutting off that spigot. You have a choice to make.
10:05 Dr. John Delony? You can say, you can not live here. You can pay your own bills. You can do everything you wanna do like that. Um, but I can't in good conscience continue to fund your life while you do things that I know are gonna hurt you down the road.
10:20 Dr. John Delony? And even if this particular relationship doesn't hurt you, the, the follow-up relationships might be distorted and different because of this experience as, as a young 20-year-old. You're not even 20, you're not even old enough to drink yet.
10:36 Dr. John Delony? You can do that. Or you can just say, dude, I'm never gonna have him move out, ever. I'm not gonna do that, ever, ever, ever.
10:44 Dr. John Delony? I'm not ever gonna make him pay his own cellphone bill. You have to look yourself in the mirror with that. And that means you have zero leverage to tell him how to live his life.
10:54 Dr. John Delony? And in that case, you're sitting across the table from him in a diner, saying, I would never have traded you for the world. And having a baby at 19 was real, real hard.
11:09 Dr. John Delony? It was tough.
11:16 Dr. John Delony? Let me tell you about, let me tell you about women my age. Or you wanna, you wanna shock his system, look at him and say, "Hey, honey, sex is awesome. It's really great, and it can be used for really abusive situations here."
11:33 Dr. John Delony? You're having sex with somebody as old as your mom.
11:39 Speaker 00 I have said that to him.
11:40 Dr. John Delony? Be frank with him. And, and what you're doing is you're not using the, your, the power of your purse, you're using the power of connection and persuasion. I have my own opinions on what I would do, but it doesn't matter what I would do. It's a matter of what you're gonna do and what you can live with.
11:59 Dr. John Delony? What's your husband say about all this?
12:01 Speaker 00 Um, he doesn't agree with it either.
12:03 Dr. John Delony? I know, but flip it around. Let's say you had a 20-year-old daughter and his 37-year-old coworker was, was sleeping with her.
12:09 Speaker 00 Yeah. Oh, God, I think it would be totally different.
12:13 Dr. John Delony? Why?
12:13 Speaker 00 He probably would be coming up. Because that would be his little girl.
12:17 Dr. John Delony? Okay, well, that's just his little boy.
12:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:20 Dr. John Delony? That 20-year-old needs the same level of protection, and I know he's an adult and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's over his head, man.
12:29 Dr. John Delony? And quote-unquote, "Be real careful."
12:30 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
12:31 Dr. John Delony? If I have a tw- if I have a business, and my son or daughter is getting preyed upon by somebody who's twice their age, they're not working for me.
12:44 Dr. John Delony? They're just not.
12:48 Dr. John Delony? Because if I can't trust you to have the dignity and respect not to sleep with my kid half your age, I can't trust you on simple matters like make sure the sales numbers are right,
13:01 Dr. John Delony? make sure the engine is cleaned right. I can't trust you in the little stuff. If you would disrespect me in such a spectacular way. What's this woman's end game?
13:11 Speaker 00 That's where I don't really know. I don't know what... I don't know if she thinks that, um, she's gonna get money, or if she wants to have... She had, oh, I didn't mention, she had a pregnancy scare about a month ago. That was great in her household. Turns out she's not.
13:30 Dr. John Delony? How in the world would that be a surprise?
13:34 Speaker 00 Yeah, no.
13:36 Dr. John Delony? You know what I mean?
13:38 Speaker 00 Yeah, well, they weren't using condoms, but now they are, apparently.
13:42 Dr. John Delony? Denise.
13:45 Speaker 00 I'm, yeah.
13:46 Dr. John Delony? They're not. You know they're not.
13:49 Speaker 00 They are. My other son found a condom in the backseat of my, my oldest car, so they are.
13:54 Dr. John Delony? Ah, they're not, but it is, that's, I would, I would tell myself that every night, too. So I, I'm with you on that. I'm with you.
14:05 Dr. John Delony? So here's the thing, you can't do anything about it legally.
14:09 Dr. John Delony? You just can't.
14:09 Speaker 00 No.
14:10 Dr. John Delony? The only thing you can do is make some hard calls as a parent.
14:15 Speaker 00 Would it be out of, um, would it be crazy if I called her and spoke with her or had a meetup with her?
14:23 Dr. John Delony? I don't, I don't think that'll go well. She's, let me, let me say it this way, in, in a weird way. She is, but in your world, she's not the problem. Your son is.
14:33 Speaker 00 Okay. Yeah.
14:38 Dr. John Delony? And she may have found herself a hot little 20-year-old young thing, and she's living her life within the bounds of the law. And maybe her dad was 72 and her mom was 52. This is just how she grew up. I don't know.
14:57 Dr. John Delony? But you can say, dude, it's weird for my son to be sleeping with somebody the same age as me.
15:05 Dr. John Delony? You can say, son, you're over your head, and I know this is all exciting and fun and all that, but you're, you're on a, you're on a pretty dangerous path.
15:19 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:20 Dr. John Delony? And you can choose whether to continue to fund his life or not.
15:26 Dr. John Delony? If my kids find themselves in situations that I'm just watching can only end negatively.
15:38 Dr. John Delony? I am going to sit down with them and have some direct, loving, connected conversations. I might even say, "I'll go to your wedding." You're not gonna live here. You're gonna be an adult. You're gonna make adult decisions. You're gonna make, you're gonna make adult, you're gonna have an adult life. "I'll go to your wedding now." "I'll be kind and cordial if you bring her over." Or maybe that's the move. You know what? Now that I'm talking out loud, that might be the move. Invite her over for dinner.
16:03 Speaker 00 No, I don't want her here.
16:05 Dr. John Delony? Invite her over.
16:06 Speaker 00 I don't want her in my house. I don't mind meeting up with her somewhere in public.
16:11 Dr. John Delony? She's been in your house today. She's been in your house. Invite her over.
16:15 Speaker 00 I don't want her in my house.
16:16 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, make dinner. Make a delicious dinner. Be like, "So, you're dating my 20-year-old son. Tell me about yourself."
16:24 Speaker 00 That's gonna go really well in the conversation.
16:27 Dr. John Delony? Okay, but how is it going well now?
16:29 Speaker 00 It's not.
16:30 Dr. John Delony? Okay. You wanna keep doing the same things but have different outcomes. I'm just throwing things up against the wall.
16:36 Speaker 00 Yeah. I appreciate it.
16:38 Dr. John Delony? And if you're doing things differently with a daughter than you would with a son, I think you need to challenge yourself.
16:45 Speaker 00 Alright. Yeah. You bring up a good point. I didn't think of it that way.
16:52 Dr. John Delony? And you have to hold this open-handedly. There's nothing you can do about it. And that's heartbreaking for parenting adult children. I hear that over and over and over. I thought parenting was hard when they were four. It's impossible when they're older. Because they're walking right into the same mistakes and challenges and hard experiences that I went through, and I can't do anything about it.
17:19 Speaker 00 That's how I feel.
17:20 Dr. John Delony? It is. Your feelings are right, and it's worth spending a moment in time grieving, not being sad that your little boy is now a very young man. And that's when the relationship in many ways shifts from, "I'm gonna tell you what to do," to, "Hey, will you go have coffee with me? I need to tell you some stories about my life that you don't really know, and this is what I'm seeing. I love you. I can't, I can't control what you do after this meal. I just want you to know I love you, and I also want you to know that if things go sideways, you can always come home. You can always come home."
18:02 Dr. John Delony? Your move Denise. I would love it if you sent us a picture of an amazing home-cooked meal with this wide-eyed 37-year-old girlfriend of your son, sitting at the kitchen table, wondering what just happened. That would be incredible Denise. You'd be a legend. We come back, we talk to a woman who is nervous to talk about a sensitive topic with her husband, because he might get mad. We'll be right back.
18:28 Dr. John Delony? There's no finish line when it comes to your mental and emotional and spiritual health. You don't wake up one day and just say, "All right, I've arrived." Your mental and emotional and your spiritual health, it's ongoing work. It's daily work. And for me, a big part of that daily work is staying emotionally and spiritually grounded. And that's why I use every day, Hallow. Hallow is the number one prayer and meditation app in the world, and it helps me stay centered when life gets loud. It's a great tool that helps me stay connected, helps me slow down, and it helps me be grateful. Whether it's the guided meditations, the music, or the scripture readings, Hallow helps me be mindful
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21:11 Dr. John Delony? I just got to Pittsburgh and talked to dear Marie. What's up, Marie?
21:15 Speaker 03 Hi.
21:17 Dr. John Delony? What up?
21:17 Speaker 03 Dr. John. Sitting here in the rainy, western Pennsylvania. Kind of nervous today.
21:23 Dr. John Delony? Oh, that's very... Are you nervous about talking to me or nervous about the rain?
21:28 Speaker 03 Talking to you.
21:29 Dr. John Delony? Oh, okay.
21:31 Speaker 03 So...
21:32 Dr. John Delony? Very cool. I'm glad you called. What's up?
21:34 Speaker 03 Okay, so, this is my initial question. So, how can I have a conversation with my husband about the nature of our relationship without it turning into an argument every single time?
21:47 Speaker 03 So...
21:48 Dr. John Delony? I don't know. Why are you arguing with him?
21:51 Speaker 03 Well, he does, we, honestly, we argue about everything. We don't really communicate that well. Tried going to therapy, like I was, I'm in therapy I've been in for about three years. I tried to get him to go and he doesn't like say anything. And I don't know how to get him to open up and communicate with me. And I'm like, I'm at a point where I'm one foot in and one foot out the door.
22:21 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, of course. But why would he communicate with you if y'all fight every time?
22:25 Speaker 03 I don't know. I mean, it's like, so...
22:28 Dr. John Delony? Do you get what I'm saying?
22:30 Speaker 03 Like, I don't know.
22:33 Dr. John Delony? Like, if you'll fight over everything and you disagree over everything, why in the world would he talk?
22:38 Speaker 03 I don't, yeah, I mean, I, I, I get it.
22:40 Dr. John Delony? Let me ask you this, what is, what does disagreeing and fighting get you? Not y'all, but you.
22:49 Speaker 03 Nowhere.
22:51 Dr. John Delony? But it gives you something because you keep doing it over and over and over and over again. What does it bring you?
22:58 Speaker 03 I don't know, I mean, feeling of like, I just wish he would, I don't know, I just wish he would listen and...
23:06 Dr. John Delony? But he, but he never does, ever, ever, ever, ever.
23:09 Speaker 03 No.
23:10 Dr. John Delony? Not when y'all are arguing, so why do you keep doing it? What is it, what is it bringing you?
23:13 Speaker 03 Well, and I, I think that's where I realized that it's not bringing me anything, so I'm shutting down from it. And I'm just not talking to him like at all.
23:22 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so...
23:22 Speaker 03 And then he takes that as everything's hunky-dory fine.
23:26 Dr. John Delony? He doesn't, I don't think that's true, because I think he knows, I think he takes that as he's gonna accept the peace accord that's on the table even though it's a bad deal for everybody.
23:36 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:36 Dr. John Delony? Um, my guess is this, a lot of people argue all the time thinking they're trying to solve a problem, that's not what they're trying to do. What they're trying to do is get an emotional release.
23:48 Speaker 03 Yeah.
23:48 Dr. John Delony? And over time, when two people are trying to get an emotional release with and from each other, what ends up happening is it becomes a parasitic relationship. I'm using you to vomit on so that I can get an exhale. And I hate the way this feels, and so I'm gonna blame you that we didn't get anywhere from this vomiting I just did, and vice versa.
24:10 Speaker 03 Yeah.
24:11 Dr. John Delony? And eventually, one person quits.
24:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, I think we both have quit at this point.
24:16 Dr. John Delony? Okay, alright, so the question you have to ask is this, because you don't argue with your boss every time you go in, you don't argue with your mom or your dad every second you see them, right? Or your grandmother, right?
24:29 Speaker 03 No.
24:29 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so that tells me you have the mental and emotional and psychological and physical capabilities of not arguing.
24:38 Speaker 03 Right.
24:39 Dr. John Delony? And so you have to sit down and say, I'm gonna be an adult and I'm gonna choose to not fight. And I'm gonna choose that we need to solve some major problems. You and me and our quote unquote communication stuff, that's not the issue here. What's at stake here is these big rocks. And so I'm gonna commit to when I feel triggered, when I feel set off, I'm gonna exhale. I may have to take a walk around the living room, but I'm gonna come back to the table.
25:06 Speaker 03 Yeah.
25:07 Dr. John Delony? And y'all just establish ground rules. And if y'all, if y'all, if one of you says, I'm not doing that, then that's, that's what you need to know.
25:17 Speaker 03 Yeah. I just see like, I, I don't, he just like changes the topic though. Like every time we're arguing about something, like I'll try to tell him, you know, I'm, I've got one foot out the door. I'm like, I can't keep going around in these circles. And then he'll bring up like, so an argument we had about something stupid, like, I don't even know, um, just like random stuff, like stupid things, like, why didn't I wash his laundry or, you know, like,
25:50 Dr. John Delony? But hold on, hold on. How in the world do you have the right to judge what is stupid and what's not stupid? If he's, if he's putting on the table, this is a pain point for me. And you're like, that's stupid. I got one foot out the door. I'd quit talking to you too.
26:04 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:06 Dr. John Delony? If you sat down and said, hey, you're not happy in this house. I'm not happy in this house and I want to be happy with you in this house. I'm willing to sit here for 45 minutes and just let you go. What's in your heart, man? And he's probably gonna start with tic tac stuff. Well, you said you were gonna do the laundry and you didn't do mine last week and the dog was barking and you always take care of the dog and you didn't go get it. You'll start there. And if you can just swallow your ego for a second, for five, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. And then it will get to, I'm exhausted. We don't have any money. I feel like I'm on a treadmill. I feel like you spend money like crazy. I feel like I don't like how I feel. My clothes don't fit.
26:51 Dr. John Delony? Like you'll get to the real stuff.
26:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
26:54 Dr. John Delony? And then vice versa.
26:57 Dr. John Delony? But if every time you sit down to say, "I've got a grenade I wanna throw," and then he throws one back and you're like, "Yours is stupid." Well, of course. I'm not gonna talk. And by the way, if your grenade is bigger, your grenade's a threat. I'm already halfway out the door. I'm leaving you.
27:17 Speaker 03 Yeah.
27:19 Dr. John Delony? So here's my big question. Are you done with this marriage?
27:26 Speaker 03 Sometimes I think I am.
27:28 Dr. John Delony? Not what I asked you. Are you done with this marriage?
27:36 Speaker 03 I don't know.
27:37 Dr. John Delony? Okay. If you're not done with this marriage, you have to have the vulnerability and the astounding bravery and courage to sit down and say, "I will go all in if you will."
27:50 Speaker 03 I think that's what I'm afraid of doing.
27:52 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
27:52 Speaker 03 Is opening up to him. Cause I don't know how he's gonna receive that.
27:58 Dr. John Delony? So what you're trying to do is threaten him into coming to rescue you.
28:05 Dr. John Delony? And what you're doing is you're making it very hard to come rescue you. And in the process, you're not just gonna step off the edge, you're gonna fall.
28:16 Dr. John Delony? You get what I'm saying? Like you're dangling over the edge, and you're like, "You better come get me, you better come get me, you better come get me," and you're gonna slip.
28:21 Speaker 03 Yeah.
28:28 Dr. John Delony? So, so let me ask, what is so scary?
28:32 Dr. John Delony? Are you scared of physical violence?
28:35 Speaker 03 No.
28:35 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
28:36 Speaker 03 Not at all.
28:36 Dr. John Delony? Are you scared of emotional berating? You suck, I'm swearing at you, screaming at you, pounding the table at you?
28:48 Speaker 03 No.
28:48 Dr. John Delony? Okay. It sounds like there's one underlying fear here. And I want you to just say, "Nope, you're wrong," or, "Crap, that's it."
29:00 Dr. John Delony? You're afraid if you go all in, he may say, "I'm out."
29:04 Speaker 03 I don't even know if that's it because
29:11 Speaker 03 in our, in his and I's relationship, I've spent all of our, almost our 20 years together, basically, taking care of him, and I've gotten pushed to the wayside. And now I don't know how to say what I need and hope that he will come back at me. What, "Okay, I'm here for you." Because that's what I'm afraid he's not, he's not going to.
29:37 Dr. John Delony? And what about if I talk to him, would he say, "Dude, for the last 20 years, I've been told what we're gonna eat, what I'm gonna wear, where we're gonna live, where the kids are gonna go to school?"
29:47 Speaker 03 No.
29:47 Dr. John Delony? No?
29:48 Speaker 03 Not, not really, no. He's, he, he's, I don't know, maybe he's-
29:55 Dr. John Delony? Have you been his mother for the last 20 years?
29:57 Speaker 03 Pretty much.
29:57 Dr. John Delony? Okay. That's where you start. That's where you start, Marie.
30:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, I felt like his mom.
30:02 Dr. John Delony? That's where you gotta start. "I've been your mom for the last 20 years, and I've, I've gotta be done with that. I wanna be your wife."
30:07 Speaker 03 Yeah. Yeah, I've kinda felt like, I mean, his mom that he lost years ago, and I like, I have a fourth child in my house, in a way.
30:19 Dr. John Delony? So there's, there's a both and to that conversation. He has acted like a fourth child, and you have treated him like one.
30:26 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:26 Dr. John Delony? Both of you have participated in this dance.
30:29 Speaker 03 Yep.
30:30 Dr. John Delony? And so, part of this is you're grieving 20 years where, instead of having a lover, you've had a fourth kid.
30:37 Speaker 03 Basically.
30:37 Dr. John Delony? It's partially on you, and that's partially on him. Fair?
30:41 Speaker 03 Yep.
30:42 Dr. John Delony? Okay. So, don't vomit your grief on him as much as, take your grief and set it on the table. "I've been your mother for 20 years, and I, I'm, I'm done with that."
30:54 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:54 Dr. John Delony? "I wanna be your wife."
30:57 Dr. John Delony? Or I want to be your girlfriend again because we have to rebuild this marriage and I want to find out if you and I still want to be married to each other.
31:04 Speaker 03 And I think that's where I'm at. I do, I do want to, you know, I do want to try to figure out, hey, is this worth rebuilding or are we just giving up? I don't, I don't, I don't want to completely give up on it yet.
31:17 Dr. John Delony? Can I be honest with you? I don't hear that you do. And I think that may scare you to death.
31:24 Speaker 03 It does.
31:25 Dr. John Delony? Okay.
31:27 Speaker 03 Definitely does.
31:29 Dr. John Delony? So the harshest reality of where you are is the only way it works is if you close the door and take one foot out of the door and put both feet back in that house.
31:40 Speaker 03 Okay.
31:41 Dr. John Delony? And he may walk right out the back door.
31:46 Dr. John Delony? Tactily, like, like, like, here's how this goes, A, B, C, and D. Number one, I want you to spend a few minutes or a few hours alone writing down what it is you want.
32:01 Dr. John Delony? I want X, Y, or Z. I want A, B, and C. That's number one. Number two, set up a time and let him know we're having a grown-up conversation. No yelling, no fighting, no, we're not here to disagree on minute things. We've got some big stuff we've got to talk about. And I love you and I want us to agree that we're going to have this hard conversation.
32:26 Dr. John Delony? Oh, what's that about? Are you serious? You're going to be doing that? No, no, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. This one's for real. And you know that you have a voice when you can be whiny and naggy and you have a voice that, when you can be angry and then you also have a voice when he knows you're being serious, right?
32:40 Speaker 03 Yep.
32:41 Dr. John Delony? Okay. That's the one I'm talking about. And I want you all, if you can, leave the house, great. If not, find a place where there's no screens or anything where y'all can look directly at each other and no kids. And then here's the fourth big one. Every one of these things that you bring up at the very beginning have to start with I statements, not you statements.
33:01 Dr. John Delony? For the last 20 years, I have acted in the role as your mom.
33:07 Dr. John Delony? And I've wanted you to have this kind of life. I wanted you to be at peace. I've wanted you to feel good and I have acted like your mother.
33:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
33:14 Dr. John Delony? And I am tired and I am no longer going to do that. And I still love you to the moon and back and I want to...
33:23 Dr. John Delony? Us to start dating again and find a spark that we had.
33:28 Dr. John Delony? Or find a new spark.
33:30 Speaker 03 Yeah, I feel like I want someone to take care of me instead of me taking care of someone.
33:37 Dr. John Delony? Say those exact words.
33:41 Dr. John Delony? I want to be your wife and I want you to spoil me and I want you to take care of me.
33:48 Dr. John Delony? And be honest, I don't know how to do that.
33:54 Speaker 03 Okay.
33:54 Dr. John Delony? Cause I think you like the idea of being taken care of and I think you would fight somebody trying to take care of you, especially at the beginning.
34:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:01 Dr. John Delony? Is that fair?
34:02 Speaker 03 Mm hmm.
34:03 Dr. John Delony? Okay, so be honest, I want you to take care of me and I don't know how to let you do that. And you can laugh and say, I don't even know if you know how to do that.
34:13 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:13 Dr. John Delony? And the big question is, are we willing to learn how to do that together?
34:20 Dr. John Delony? And then you'll get to, and then let's pretend he's all in. Yes, thank God, this is amazing. I love it. I'm all in. Before you leave, you leave with a small action plan.
34:32 Speaker 03 Okay.
34:33 Dr. John Delony? From this point forward. No more yelling.
34:38 Dr. John Delony? From this point forward, if I say the words, I have a vulnerable thing to say, all the screens go down, face down, and the promise is no rebuttals. I'm just gonna say it out loud.
34:49 Dr. John Delony? I'm not doing laundry anymore, or you're gonna be responsible for your laundry for 30 days or 60 days or 90 days and we're gonna try it out.
34:57 Dr. John Delony? Whatever those little knickknackies are, y'all co-create a 30 or 60 day plan with what comes next.
35:04 Speaker 03 Okay.
35:09 Dr. John Delony? And listen, he may say, I am all in, and that'll scare you to death.
35:16 Dr. John Delony? And he may say, I'm out.
35:20 Dr. John Delony? And that'll break your heart.
35:23 Speaker 03 Yeah. I don't know that he'll be out.
35:28 Speaker 03 I have a hard time telling him what's on my mind and what I'm thinking and. So.
35:34 Dr. John Delony? If you go in and sit down and say, I've not done a good job of telling you what I'm feeling over the years. And I've blamed you for it, I'm sorry.
35:42 Speaker 03 Yeah.
35:45 Dr. John Delony? You see, man, you're talking about a revolutionary change. And let's say this, if he walks out the back door, it will be heartbreaking, all that kind of stuff. But you will be able to exhale knowing, I tried to control what I could control, and I left everything on the table in the spirit of reconnecting and reimagining our marriage. And sometimes, that's the best we can do. Frustratingly, that's the only way it works if you want to rebuild something. And both of you go all in. Thanks for the call. When we come back, we talk to a man who is wrestling with the aftermath of donating an organ. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware
36:29 Dr. John Delony? of the need to take care of themselves, whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to a fear of judgment. And I understand this. I have felt that same judgment before when I finally tried to get up the courage to get help. When people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families. It impacts workplaces. It impacts their entire communities. The world is better when people are healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish on your behalf for a minute, the world is better when you are healthy and whole. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp.
37:14 Dr. John Delony? BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. So to get started, you just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily for no extra cost. Listen, we're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash Deloney.
37:52 Dr. John Delony? Out to Seattle. Let's talk to Team Edward. What's up Edward?
37:56 Speaker 04 Hey, good afternoon, Dr. John.
37:58 Dr. John Delony? Good afternoon to you, brother. What's up, man?
38:00 Speaker 04 So, I am trying, it's been one year since I did a benevolent donation of my left kidney.
38:07 Dr. John Delony? No way dude. What was that like?
38:10 Speaker 04 It was, it was a pretty amazing process. It's, you look back of all the decisions I've made in life, it was, it was an amazing decision. And, uh, it's just a decision I was so very much at peace with. A lot of thought and consideration. The process to donate your kidney takes so much time from the medical, the psychological and everything. So.
38:30 Dr. John Delony? Was this for a family member or a total stranger?
38:33 Speaker 04 No, it was a total stranger. So benevolent donation and that's, that's what's prompting my, my call today is trying to get closure on that.
38:39 Dr. John Delony? Oh.
38:40 Speaker 04 Because we've now hit the one year mark and I've never heard from the recipient. Which has kind of created, to me, it, it feels, uh, it's like that book and you get to the last chapter and you find the pages are missing. So I'm having a tough time kind of reconciling that I've, I've never heard from, from that person.
38:59 Dr. John Delony? Do you know who it is?
39:01 Speaker 04 I don't. Um, so the, the way the process works is when you go through the process, it took, uh, almost a year to kind of go through and, uh, be selected as a benevolent donor. Um, I went in, uh, March of last year. The recipient was just an operating room away, so they took my left kidney from me and, and then, uh, went over to my recipient there. And I anticipated that sometime within the first year, probably one of three outcomes would happen. One is, and all of this communication is handled through the hospital, that they would reach out and there'd be kind of, you know, some connection. You get to know the person, be able to kind of see the benefit of the donation and really make that connection.
39:43 Speaker 04 Or I figured there would just be kind of an anonymous note, which I get. If somebody received a kidney, they may just want to keep that degree of separation, but at least just, just something that helps for me bring closure. What was the benefit of receiving it? You know, oftentimes I'll hear, I have colleagues who donated kidneys and it's that, you know, the dialysis that their spouse didn't have to go to, for example. And just how a living kidney donation really benefited their life. The outcome that I wasn't expecting, although they prepare you for, is that you just hear nothing. And that's the piece I'm struggling with. Um, is I just anticipated some closure, maybe a card that just sits in a drawer that just sort of memorializes this, but it's never happened. And I'm trying to figure out how going forward I live with it. My story just feels just a little bit incomplete.
40:28 Dr. John Delony? There you go. So, I appreciate you being honest, man. This is, this is a, uh, something that I think would haunt me too, but I would not have the courage to say it out loud. I would just eat it. Right? So, good on you for saying it out loud. Um, I'm what, I'm fascinated to know this question. And this is a little bit perverse. This is just me wanting to know, but it, it may have a, a relevance later on. What story have you made up about the recipient as to why they haven't contacted you?
40:56 Speaker 04 That I don't know. And honestly, that's the reason I'm reaching out to you because I'm hoping someone can put me, um, in the place of, of what might be going through the recipient's.
41:09 Dr. John Delony? I know, but you've got, you've concocted some story, right?
41:11 Speaker 04 Yeah, I, the, but the story I've concocted I hope is not accurate. I hope it's not.
41:16 Dr. John Delony? Let it rip. Let it rip. Cause there's, there's some value in speaking it out.
41:19 Speaker 04 Yeah, I, I don't want to believe that they just took it for granted. Um, that they just treated it like, you know, we go to the blood bank and we give, you know, give blood and we get our free cookies and that's just more transactional. I, I would hope that they just don't take it for granted. Um, and I have heard through kind of post follow-up, there's obviously kind of rigid follow-up once you give a donation. I would hope that they're not taking it for granted, but that is my concern, that they just feel as if they've kind of received this gift and that there's, um, that they've given no thought to what it's like to be on the other side of that, of that ledger of being the person who donated. Um, And that's, that's my concern is, gosh, did I give my kidney to someone who is just indifferent to the gift?
42:03 Speaker 04 And I want to be clear, I'm not looking for the keys to the city credit or anything. An anonymous note would more than satisfy it. But it just feels like I have seven eighths of a story. And that's going to be the story that sticks with me. So when people ask, what was it like to donate? I've had a chance to speak of it, about what it's like to be a living benevolent donor. But I just feel like that story is just, just not totally complete. And that may be something I have to hang on with for the rest of my life.
42:29 Dr. John Delony? Well, I think the challenge for you is you are expecting external validation for an internal narrative.
42:36 Speaker 04 Uh huh.
42:38 Dr. John Delony? And I think this is instructive for the way most of us live our lives. We do the dishes, so our spouse will pat us on the back. We get straight A's, so our dad will give us that one little wink, maybe.
42:54 Speaker 04 Uh huh.
42:55 Dr. John Delony? And what I've found is, in my own life and in the lives of countless other people I've sat with, is the people who win are the ones that complete that narrative internally. Cause what you've done is you've, you've, you've created a story. Essentially, there's, there was some sort of altruistic 401K at play here.
43:19 Speaker 04 Uh huh.
43:20 Dr. John Delony? I want to do this, and the ROI on this investment will at least be a card I can put in the drawer. And I'd love for you, yes, dude, I want that for you. I would expect that. Like if I mow my neighbor's yard, I at least want her to say, thank you. At least wave, put a little smiley face card under, like a little note under my, under my windshield wiper. You know what I'm saying? But I've got to do, on the front end, it's going to be up to me to say, this act of service is in and of itself a complete circle.
43:59 Speaker 04 Yes, and I think to your point, mowing the lawn or something, and again, it's one of the benevolence, and I, the hospital has a program where you can initiate contact afterwards. So if I wanted to initiate, I could.
44:12 Dr. John Delony? Why haven't you?
44:13 Speaker 04 I don't feel right about that.
44:15 Dr. John Delony? Why?
44:16 Speaker 04 I guess there's a feeling that I'm not looking for credit.
44:21 Dr. John Delony? But you are.
44:21 Speaker 04 What I'm, I'm looking, I think, for closure.
44:24 Dr. John Delony? I know, but that's just a sophisticated matter of semantics. You want someone to give you a hug and high five you, and you're not wrong for that.
44:33 Dr. John Delony? And you want somebody to say, hey, you gave me life, you gave me an organ from your body. That's not wrong for you to want that. Why do you think, why are you avoidant of that sort of recognition?
44:45 Speaker 04 Well, I wouldn't say it's the recognition per se. What I want to see is what, what good came from the donation?
44:52 Dr. John Delony? Here's, here, and let me tell you, here's the good that came from that donation.
44:56 Speaker 04 Yeah.
44:59 Dr. John Delony? Edward got to look in the mirror and say, I'm gonna put myself at risk for the greater good. Period, story is over.
45:09 Dr. John Delony? Because if this person is in jail, I still think you did an amazing thing. If this person has passed away.
45:18 Dr. John Delony? They got this kidney, they lived another four lot, four, four months, they went to cardiac arrest, they never came out of the hospital. What you did was an amazing thing. If you're looking, I mean, this is, we can, I mean, you've probably heard the old trolleyology. If you haven't, it's a fun, you can go down a Google rabbit hole with trolleyology at a philosophy classes, but are we doing stuff because there's good in and of itself? Or are we doing things only if, is the value of the thing we did only in the end result?
45:50 Speaker 04 Yeah, and I would say it's the end result, even if for me, it's anonymized. Um, so my, my day to day work, I'm, I'm a police officer. And so I, I share that because as, as cops, we tend to be very evidence-based, right? We, we look at whatever the circumstance, we sort of, we distill it down to those, those facts that we can articulate and very outcome-based. And so I, I think it's for me not being able to see the, kind of the manifestation of this kidney that I donated and how, how it improved the circumstance. Again, even, even if it's anonymized, it just feels incomplete.
46:29 Speaker 04 And to your point, which so valuable is, how do I, how do I work through that, knowing that this may be as complete a story as I'll get? How do you work through the fact that I may never read the last pages of the book of my kidney donation?
46:45 Dr. John Delony? But the problem is, as an author, you've given somebody else the pen that they didn't ask for.
46:50 Speaker 04 Okay.
46:51 Dr. John Delony? You're still waiting for somebody to tell you, you're a good man, that you did good.
46:59 Dr. John Delony? And I'm telling you on behalf of my little kids, you wake up every day and you may not come home, and I know that.
47:05 Speaker 04 Yeah.
47:06 Dr. John Delony? Because my dad has a special little box in the back of his closet, because he may not come home every single day from work. You're a good man. You did an extraordinary thing, and it's ridiculous that you haven't got a note, or a call, or a letter. I'm with you. It's absurd.
47:23 Dr. John Delony? But I would rather you be frustrated and just like, ugh, than you, having handed somebody a pen and hoping they'll close, like, write the final chapter of your story. You're the only author of your story, man. And I think, I can't think of a more powerful speaker at a, at a benevolent donor conference to say, I had to look in the mirror, y'all. So if y'all are doing this for, because you think there's going to be a great Instagram reel and a fun story that's going to end up on CBS News when it's over, my person has never called me.
48:00 Dr. John Delony? And I wouldn't change a thing.
48:03 Speaker 04 Yeah, and that's absolutely true. And my ideal outcome would be just, just sort of seeing the manifestation of the gift, not even credit. That's not at all what I'm looking for. Just looking to, as I look at colleagues who have not done the benevolent donation, and they can speak to, they can speak to, hey, here's how this changed our family, allowed us to travel, allowed us to do these things. Knowing that their gift had some purpose, and I think that's my concern, is the potential compromise of my future health, obviously from two kidneys to one. I look at these things, I say, gosh, was it, at the end of the day, a decision I would
48:47 Speaker 04 absolutely remake, absolutely at peace with it. But not knowing, I guess, how it changed or what benefit it brought someone is the piece I'm struggling with. And I appreciate that this may be...
49:00 Dr. John Delony? You'll never get it. You'll never get it.
49:03 Speaker 04 I'll never get it. And so it's how do I, how do I work to reconcile that? And maybe it's just that reality of, it just is one of those things that won't get reconciled. It's the, it's the account that won't balance.
49:14 Dr. John Delony? I want you, by yourself, go into your office at your house. And I want you to write this person an imaginary letter. Like, write him a real letter, but you're not going to send it.
49:24 Speaker 04 Okay.
49:25 Dr. John Delony? And I want, in your mind, I want you to decide whether it's a 19-year-old male, a 48-year-old grandmother, a 79-year-old, like, you get to pick the picture and write him or her a letter. And say, here's what I hope for your life. And then, you can put that letter in your drawer, you can put that letter in the garbage, you can shred it, you can put it in a fire pit. But I want you to stop carrying around this open loop. It's, it's driving you into the ground. You did an amazing thing. This person may be deceased, this person may have some intellectual challenges, this
50:09 Dr. John Delony? person may be deployed, we don't know. And so any story we make up about this person is a burden to us, not them.
50:21 Dr. John Delony? And you are, oh, you are right and good and great to be frustrated and angry and sad. Those feelings don't make you a good person, they make, I mean, a bad person, they make you human.
50:37 Speaker 04 Yeah, and I think I feel a measure of guilt for sort of having those feelings. Because we do the benevolent donation, and I feel as if you do this, and I would absolutely do it again, and so there is that measure of guilt, wanting that, just a sentence of...
50:57 Dr. John Delony? Let me let you free from that guilt.
50:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, and I think that's the thing, it's feeling badly that I even...
51:03 Dr. John Delony? Be free from that.
51:03 Speaker 04 That I even want this disclosure.
51:05 Dr. John Delony? I want it for you, and I don't feel guilty at all. People should say thank you. One of my, it makes my wife die laughing, one of, like, I'm, I'm over emotional and just kind of goofbally, but when things get bananas, I get really still. One of the things that makes me comically enraged is when I'm driving in an urban area and somebody walks across the crosswalk and they don't wave. I get so irrationally mad when someone won't just nod and wave and say, "Thank you for not running me over." I don't know why that makes me so mad, it just feels like the lowest level of common human decency is to look somebody in the eye and wave to them.
51:50 Dr. John Delony? So dude, when it comes, you gave somebody an organ, I am indignant on your behalf. The challenge is, what am I gonna do next? What is that indignation bringing me? Nothing but misery. What does not processing my feelings bringing me? Nothing but a low-level hum of this thyme of depression, just, I'm slowly, just, I'm becoming trapped in my own, "Why not? Where is it? Who is it? What is it? Why didn't they do it? I bet it's because they don't even care. What if they're even doing drugs? What if they're so..." And then I'm just making up stories that impact me, not them. I did a good thing, you did a good thing.
52:35 Dr. John Delony? And you did the right thing, and if we're only...
52:41 Dr. John Delony? If we're only doing the right things in the world because we want some ROI on them, we're gonna have an exhausted life. If we only do good things in the world and we only judge the value of the things of our actions by not that we'd made the best call with the information we had, we did it because it was just the right thing, but what was the end result? Man, that's an exhausting life. And dude, that's a philosophical debate as old as time.
53:13 Dr. John Delony? Yeah, you did a good thing, brother. You did a good thing. Write that letter tonight to that imaginary person. And if you really want to know, reach out. Just say, I want to check in. How are you?
53:26 Dr. John Delony? But at this point, you're choosing not to have contact. That's a choice you're making. And you're choosing not to close the loop. That's a choice you're making.
53:35 Dr. John Delony? The move from here is yours.
53:39 Dr. John Delony? I'm grateful that men like you are in my community. Appreciate you, brother.
53:45 Dr. John Delony? All right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. Y'all have heard me say I love sleeping in a cold, cold room. And my wife would love to sleep under one of those taquito lamps at a baseball stadium. She loves sleeping when the room is so hot. And this is one of the many reasons why we both love our Cozy Earth sheets. They help each of us sleep at the perfect temperature. I don't know how they do it, some kind of voodoo Hogwarts kind of stuff, but they ferret it out, and they're soft, and they're breathable. And these sheets keep me and my wife comfortable all night long. And because I want all of you to sleep great every night, you should all know that sheets are not created equal. They're like everything else. There's a range of quality, from terrible sheets that feel like sleeping on an old paper towel, to amazing sheets that make getting into bed feel amazing.
54:30 Dr. John Delony? Cozy Earth sheets are amazing. They craft their sheets out of viscose from bamboo. And these are special fabrics and fibers that are amazing at regulating temperature and wicking moisture away while you sleep. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. Plus, Cozy Earth goes to great lengths to verify That their materials are responsibly sourced, so you can feel good about how you sleep and about how your sheets are made. And remember, Cozy Earth's spring into comfort sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. Forty percent off everything. That's forty percent off. Visit cozylearth.com/daloni and use code DALONI right now.
55:14 Dr. John Delony? That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com/daloni.
55:20 Dr. John Delony? All right, Kelly, that first call, dude, you have a 19-year-old son. Now, I know it's a little bit different. It'd be like him dating a 78-year-old, but like, imagine your son is dating an old, old lady that's your age. I can't wrap my head around it.
55:37 Speaker 02 No, I'm not that old, first of all. I am older than this woman, but...
55:42 Dr. John Delony? A lot.
55:46 Speaker 02 Anyway, I... But the thought even of, regardless of she's close to my age or not, but of my 19-year-old bringing home...
55:56 Dr. John Delony? A 37-year-old?
55:57 Speaker 02 A 37-year-old woman, I spent most of the call just like trying to crawl back in my own skin because I can't.
56:04 Dr. John Delony? Okay, my son's 15, so there's a legality thing there, but I'm trying to imagine him...
56:09 Dr. John Delony? What is that, 20? That's 33?
56:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, because four years difference, yeah. It's... I can't even...
56:15 Dr. John Delony? I can't wra-
56:16 Speaker 02 No.
56:18 Speaker 02 No.
56:19 Dr. John Delony? Wow.
56:20 Speaker 02 I would... I would be in jail. Let's just probably say that. I would probably be in jail.
56:27 Dr. John Delony? Again, again. You've been in jail a few times before, and you're like, "I'm going back to jail."
56:32 Speaker 02 Teardrop tattoo.
56:33 Dr. John Delony? You do have teardrop tattoos.
56:34 Speaker 02 I would, yeah. I...
56:38 Speaker 02 I can't even fathom how I would handle that. But again...
56:42 Dr. John Delony? And here's, like, just for a second, for everybody listening, because here's the stuff going through my head. This is dicey, because if you don't want them two together, I can get the narrative, I need to keep him as close as possible to me. And if I say, "Hey, you can't live here and be in this relationship," he's gonna go to her house. I might, I might facilitate them, their closeness, right? And so I get, I get being nervous all around. The whole thing's just a messy, ugh, situation.
57:16 Speaker 02 I don't like it. My heart goes out to her because I can't even fathom how I would deal with that. Not well, probably.
57:24 Dr. John Delony? I was about to say, it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be super good.
57:26 Speaker 02 No, no, not at all.
57:29 Dr. John Delony? You would just see Kelly supernova from space, just.
57:32 Speaker 02 Yeah. All right. Should we do one about the problem?
57:34 Dr. John Delony? We should.
57:35 Speaker 02 All right. This is from Molly and she writes, "We are very involved at our church and I lead one of the ministries, so we regularly use our church's childcare for events throughout the week. Our 15-month-old son recently moved from the nursery to the toddler room, which has a TV screen that is used to play music videos and Bible stories for up to two and a half hours at a time. My husband and I have decided to adopt a screen-free approach in our home, given his young age, which is in line with the American Academy of Pediatric Guidelines. I approached the church staff with the concerns regarding the use of TV for such young children, and I was told that the volunteers use it to help pacify the children who are experiencing separation anxiety and to keep them under control. I
58:19 Speaker 02 offered several alternatives and compromises to reduce screen use, all of which were dismissed, and I was encouraged to let it go because screens are a normal part of our society. Am I the problem for being upset?"
58:33 Dr. John Delony? Oh, this is gonna be a controversial one. I think she's the problem because she's going into someone else's house and demanding they live. It's like, it's like if you're gluten-free, or you have a, like a, well, peanut allergy, you'll die, so I get that one. But if you're, if you're vegetarian and you go to somebody's barbecue and you throw a fit and start lecturing them on how, why what they're eating is wrong and they shouldn't be, you're the problem. Same as if I show up at my friend's house, I've got some friends that are just staunch vegetarians and I throw a fit like, "Where's the meat?" Like, this is, that's me. I'm a jerk there. I'm the problem. I don't think this woman's a jerk. I think she's, A, right. I think there should be more adult contact with kids
59:17 Dr. John Delony? in these settings and not just one person per 30 kids dropped in front of screens. Totally agree with her. I agree with the American Pediatric Association, and I don't think I've ever said that sentence on this particular thing. I'm all in, and what she's wanting is to go in and dictate how these other people with different values are gonna do life and. She's allowed to have her feelings hurt. She's allowed to be frustrated. She's allowed to say, "Hey, we may have to find a new church. We may have to find new childcare." Yeah, that's, that stinks. But yeah, she, I don't know. I mean, yeah, it's the onus of what comes next is on her. And she's allowed to have her feelings hurt, and she's got to go find a different childcare, if that's what, if that's a priority for her. Does that sound right?
59:58 Speaker 02 Exactly. She can make the choice whether or not her child goes to that childcare, and if she doesn't like the way they do it, she can go. That's up to her.
1:00:05 Dr. John Delony? Yeah. Um.
1:00:07 Speaker 02 Near, near.
1:00:08 Dr. John Delony? Near, near. Look at you coming around. Look at you coming around. Yeah.
1:00:16 Dr. John Delony? I wish kids, well, I don't say that. I say that too much. Nope, I'll say it again. I saw a stat this morning. Forty percent, four zero, forty percent of two-year-olds have an iPad.
1:00:33 Dr. John Delony? Why is the world falling apart? Oh, no. Oh, geez. Love you guys. Bye.
Previous My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn Next My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?) Page updated November 3, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated