What We Learn About Love Before We’re 10 (How We're Raised with Will Guidara)

This episode is part of our new series, How We’re Raised — conversations about how the homes we grew up in shape the way we lead, love, and parent today. Dr. Becky sits down with restaurateur and author Will Guidara to explore how being deeply seen as a child shaped the way he builds culture — in restaurants and at home. Will shares what it was like growing up with a mother who became quadriplegic after brain cancer, the quiet power of full presence, and how those early experiences led him to build a career around “unreasonable hospitality” — not in pursuit of product, but in pursuit of people. Together, they talk about: • Why feeling seen matters more than being impressive • The gift — and cost — of being the person who cares for everyone • Why holding your child can matter more than fixing their problem • And how to bring more intention into your home life

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Caregiving is one of the biggest sources of stress for parents today. The data shows that most parents spend nearly every waking hour focused on someone else. And if you feel depleted, that's not failure. That's the reality of how much you're carrying. Another thing the data tells us is this: almost three quarters of parents say having a stronger network of trusted caregivers would improve their mental and emotional health. And I see that play out all the time. When parents have real support, the mental load lightens a bit, and they become more present, calmer, and more regulated. Care.com makes it easier to find that kind of support with background-checked caregivers, reviews, and filters for the exact skills you're looking for, whether it's infant care, before or after-school help, camps, daycares, or senior care.

• 1:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And right now, Care.com is offering something they've never offered before. For a limited time, use the code GOOD35 to get 35% off a premium membership, plus a free subscription to Headspace. Because when you have support, you can show up as your best self, for the people you care for, and for yourself.

• 1:48Speaker 01

  In spite of the fact that she cannot walk or talk,

• 1:52Speaker 01

  I have never felt more loved by anyone in my entire life. Do you know when someone is so focused on a single person that you know you are the only thing in the world that matters to them? We made the choice to be unreasonable, not in pursuit of product, but in pursuit of people, and relentless in pursuit of the one thing that will never, ever change, which is our human desire to feel seen.

• 2:17Speaker 02

  Here's something I think about a lot. The way we lead at work, at home, anywhere, isn't random. It comes from somewhere. And usually it's shaped early by what got noticed in our house, by what didn't. And my guest today is someone who has built a career around care. Will Guidara is a restaurateur and the former co-owner of Eleven Madison Park. Under his leadership, it became one of the most celebrated restaurants in the world, earning four stars in the New York Times and the title of World's Best Restaurant. And Will is so much more than that. He's the author of Unreasonable Hospitality, a book about going beyond service into something more human, something relational. And he's the author of Unreasonable Hospitality Field Guide.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  If the original book is the what, think about this as the how. What moves me the most about Will isn't just excellence, or care, or hospitality. It's actually his intentionality, the way he thinks about people. You're going to hear it today. He's also a dad of two, which means he's not just building culture in restaurants. He is building culture at home. And he has a few pointers that I think we might all want to take in terms of the culture in our home. Today, we're starting a new series called How We're Raised, conversations about the homes we grew up in and how our early experiences shaped the way we live, lead, and love today.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  So this isn't a conversation about business strategy. It's a conversation about the child under the leader, about the patterns that help us succeed and the ones that sometimes get in our way. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Well, I'm so glad you're here right now. But before we get into anything reflective or deep, we're going to do all of that. I just want to locate you, kind of situate you in your life right now. Like, where are you in your life? What does a normal week look like? Just give us the basics, and then we're going to jump in.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  My life is so much different now than I thought it would be. I remember my wife and I were in Seattle like five years ago, and we were walking past a houseboat. And she said, can we live on a houseboat in Seattle one day? And I said, no, we live in New York City. We will always live in New York City. And she said, I kind of wish you'd told me that before we got married. And I thought that would be my life.

• 4:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  Owning restaurants and living in New York City. And now neither of those is true. My family and I live in Nashville. I spend time with a small team. There's about 10 of us. I write books and I do speaking to companies across pretty much every industry. We have a creative studio where we get to dream of worlds that we wished existed. And then one day, welcome people into our imaginations.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  And I replaced restaurants with children.

• 5:21Speaker 01

  And I'm really grateful that I don't have restaurants and kids at the same time. Cause I don't think I'd be able to be nearly as good at either as I'd want to be.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  So you're catching me in a, in a season that I feel so grateful to be in.

• 5:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But I feel like with you, there's always this through line. I mean, I don't know if my word's going to be right, but care. It just feels like you've built a career around care. You're attentive to other people's experience. Now you're a dad, care is certainly, you know, part of that partnership. I'm just curious, because that, was that a theme in your life that was poignant for you from day one? Like when you were a kid, was care a big part of your, your home? Like, how did it become such a, such a theme?

• 6:01Speaker 01

  I think it was, it was a big theme in my home brought about through adversity. So when I was a kid, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. And by the time I was seven, eight, nine, somewhere in that range, the radiation treatment she received during her cancer, when they removed the tumor from her brain, had rendered her into becoming a quadriplegic.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  And so, I mean, my dad is my hero. Like watching him work restaurant hours legitimately take care of her and still be a good dad to me. And never once feel bad for himself. And in fact, to the contrary, like I would watch him, and I don't, I don't think I like consciously registered it at the time.

• 6:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  But I, I felt it and it infected me in a, in a good way. He derived pleasure out of caring for her. And then as I got a little bit older, we were a team, right? So I would take care of my mom and I would feed her and.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  And I think because of the example that he said,

• 7:12Speaker 01

  yeah, listen, if I can go back in time, obviously, and wave a magic wand, she would not have gotten sick and she'd still be alive today. But I never was like, gosh, I wish my mom was healthy. Like, that was our situation.

• 7:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  My dad and I took care of her and she, in spite of the fact that she could not walk or talk, I have never felt more loved by anyone in my entire life.

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Like, I think from her, this is not totally in line with your question, but eye contact, like, the little movement around a smile. Do you know when someone is so focused on a single person that you know you are the only thing in the world that matters to them?

• 8:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I want to go back to that, to something you just said. How loved you felt by your mom, having her, like, the way she gazed at you, her movements, having her full attention. Maybe not, but do you remember a moment, like, just to zoom in on? Or anything, like, visual or said, like, where were you? I just, I find that so compelling. Maybe it's especially compelling because our lives today are so chaotic and we're pulled in a million directions.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  I don't know how your memory works when you think back to, like, those early days or honestly, these days last week.

• 8:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  But I remember, like, glimpses, right? There's like these little things that, for whatever reason.

• 8:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 8:41Speaker 01

  I can almost watch, like, an old VHS tape of a five-second clip of my life. I used to ride a bicycle home from school. It was, like, so close. That's how I got home. And at a certain point, probably when I was a...

• 9:00Speaker 01

  I don't know, eighth grade or something. By that point, my dad had brought in a nurse to help during the day because now we just needed it when my dad was at work. And my mom would have the nurse push her to the end of the street. Like 10 minutes before I was likely to come home and she would always be waiting there. And I don't know which day or what, but I remember one of those moments. I remember coming down that little hill and her just, and she would, she would just have the biggest smile on her face. And so that was, that's the moment. I remember like the eye contact and the smile. And maybe that's an amalgamation of a bunch of those days wrapped up in one. I'm not sure, but.

• 9:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  But it is so interesting, the story we tell ourselves about what kids need to feel confident. I don't know, like now, right? Like the starting center on their soccer team, which means they need five private lessons a week and three teams and they need to be the math star and they need to have all the friends and they need the fancy birthday party. And if their friends all have this water bottle, they need this water bottle. And I'm just thinking about, like mom, my mom waited for me and she was just watching me. There was nothing more important or interesting or compelling than waiting for you to ride your bike. And my guess is you are at best an average bike rider. I don't know. Sorry.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  She was not sitting there marveling.

• 10:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know if the pedaling was, you know, but just you on your bike for this like very short ride. And it was like, it was captivating. It was captivating for her.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  And her energy was captivating for me in return. Out of necessity, like she couldn't do anything.

• 10:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  She was fully present.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Like as a dad now, I have all these things that I try to do to ensure that I am fully present.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  I don't know that I'll ever be as fully present as she was with me. And you can feel it when someone is.

• 11:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, you know, one of the things I say to myself, um, to try to stay really present in the moment with any of my kids when they're talking to me, I just say, Becky, listen for the next two minutes. Like, they are the most interesting person. It feels like your mom like was just, when she was with you, like, that's always full attention. Like, you were the most interesting person in the world.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, like, listen to this. I played the drums.

• 11:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 11:38Speaker 01

  Like, let that sink in. I threatened my friends to buy their kids drums if they're failing in our friendship. And I had a band, a grunge band, when I was like 14. We played up here. She was directly below us. There's no chance that it sounded good.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  And she loved it. Like, loved it. And I'm not saying like that because I don't love when I hear some parents say, oh, my kid's so good at the every, like, but it wasn't, that wasn't the spirit of it. She just loved being.

• 12:18Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  Like, able to be a part of this thing that I was doing.

• 12:23Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  She delighted in you.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, she did.

• 12:25Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You end up getting to this, you know, career all around hospitality, around care, around entertaining, around actually a lot of things that aren't simple that can be also exceptional, right? So just take me on that journey. So this is some of your early years. And then what brought you into that career? Or did it just seem like every step was the obvious next step?

• 12:48Speaker 01

  No, I mean, so, again, my dad worked in restaurants. And, I mean, my dad and I are very, very, very close.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  And so I just wanted to spend it like it didn't really matter what he did for a living. That would have been the thing that I wanted to do. And I would go to work with him on Saturdays because he'd work Monday through Friday, long days. And Saturday he'd go and just like to the office and have a few hours. And sometimes I'd be in the office with him. Other times he'd drop me off at one of the restaurants here in the city and I'd help, air quotes, help.

• 13:22Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  And I just fell in love with restaurants. I fell in love with like the choreographed chaos. Like the idea that every,

• 13:34Speaker 01

  every one of life's relationships was happening concurrently within the same four walls. But the fact that you could go into the kitchen and there would be obsessed, someone obsessing over food, the sommelier with wine, someone about graphic design, interior, like no two days would ever be the same. And it seemed like these people were getting paid to make other people happy.

• 13:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  And so when I, my dad, he is nothing if not intentional. And was very insistent on imbuing that trait in me. And so when I was like, he would take it too far, right? So when I was 12, I think we were like on our way to the airport from SeaWorld or something. And he's like, Will, it's time to come up with your goals for life. And I have, and I know this because he wrote them down and he gave them to me in my twenties.

• 14:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What were they?

• 14:27Speaker 01

  One, go to Cornell and study hospitality. Two, open my own restaurant in New York City. And three, marry Cindy Crawford.

• 14:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I mean.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  And I got like two out of three, and then the third, I think I might have done even better.

• 14:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Let's be honest.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  And so it's all I ever wanted to do. So I did get into Cornell and I did, like I worked, he, he really pushed me to work for the best restaurants. So I worked for Drew Neerpren at Tribeca Grill. I worked for Wolfgang Puck at Spago. I did all that stuff. And then I graduated from Cornell, went to work for Danny Meyer. And I worked there for a couple of years, but at this point.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  I didn't want to be in fine dining. I'd worked in fine dining and I'd been

• 15:15Speaker 01

  turned off by it. I'd been turned off by the fact that at this stage, if you worked in a restaurant, you were just there to serve the chef. Like it was all about the food. And the way that hospitality was manifested had taken a backseat. And so I wanted to, my goal was to work at Shake Shack. And so Danny Meyer came to me as I was at MoMA and he goes, hey, we're trying to do big things at 11 Madison Park. I'd love for you to go there. I said, no, I want to go to Shake Shack. But my dad, one of the many lessons that I carry with me from him was if you work for a company and you want them to be there for you when, when you need them, you need to be there for them when they need you.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  So the deal I made with Danny was that I would go to 11 Madison for one year. And then I'd get to go run Shake Shack.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  And then in that year,

• 16:12Speaker 01

  I just realized it didn't have to be the way that it was. And in fact, in fine dining, at that level, you could create magic for people at a level beyond what I think anyone had, had dreamt of.

• 16:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  And so a year later, he came and said, you ready to go to Shake Shack? And I said, no.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  Now granted, had I gone to run Shake Shack, I probably would own the building we're in right now. But that was the best decision of my life. Because what I got to do from that point forward was just the coolest thing ever.

• 16:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Tell me more about that. Tell everyone more about that. Like your brand of hospitality, of taking care of people, the experience at being at a restaurant, what that means, just jump off wherever.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, when,

• 17:05Speaker 01

  when you look at the best restaurants in the world, then they're run by chefs more often than not.

• 17:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  And when you look at the best, best restaurants in the world, they at that point were a hundred percent run by chefs. People who, gosh, they were unreasonable in pursuit of the food they served, their product.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  And relentless in pursuit of innovation. What new techniques could they develop? What new ingredients could they start cooking with? And each of them, in their own way, have influenced how restaurants around the world approach cooking. At a certain point, I was inspired enough by them, but cognizant of my own superpowers. And through those two things, was able to pair them together such that we made the choice to be unreasonable, not in pursuit of product, but in pursuit of people.

• 17:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  And relentless in pursuit of the one thing that will never, ever change, which is our human desire to feel seen, to feel cared for, to feel a sense of belonging, to feel genuinely welcomed. And it was years ago I wrote Unreasonable Hospitality on a cocktail napkin, but that articulation became like our call to arms.

• 18:17Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. The human desire to feel seen.

• 18:24Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I've been traveling a lot lately for my book tour, which means airports, rental cars, doing bedtime over FaceTime and having some of the most meaningful conversations with parents. And every time I'm on a trip like this, I think about how much coordination it takes to step away from everyday life, even just for a couple of days. I know for so many families, when you do travel for work or for fun, it can feel good to know your home isn't sitting empty while you're gone. Because while you're away, you could be hosting your home on Airbnb and earning some extra income to put toward future travel. Okay, Becky, that sounds great, but I cannot take on one more thing. I get it, truly. And that's exactly where Airbnb's co-host network comes in.

• 19:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You can hire a vetted local co-host to take care of the hosting for you. A co-host can create your listing, manage reservations, message guests, and even provide design and styling. It just makes everything feel a little more manageable. If you've ever considered hosting, but you need a little help? Find a co-host at Airbnb.com/host.

• 19:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing.

• 19:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky.

• 20:27Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com/becky.

• 20:45Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity, right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar. It's something you can add to your routine

• 21:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com/becky.

• 21:58Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You and I have talked about this, but everyone doesn't think, oh, am I a restaurant? Like, I'm going there to feel seen. But just say more about that. Like, what, how important that is?

• 22:07Speaker 01

  My favorite quote about hospitality comes from Maya Angelou. And it's one most people have heard. She said, "People will forget what you say, they will forget what you do, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Gosh, I believe that to be so very true. When I think back on the experiences that linger with me, it's not something that someone did. The little technical element of a meal or whatever kind of experience that I remember. It's a little or a big thing that someone did for me.

• 22:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yep.

• 22:39Speaker 01

  And I say a little or a big thing because it could be in a restaurant, something as small as me being on a first date and the server noticed that we had just run out of things to talk about. So they came in to like lubricate the conversation a little bit. Or it could be a big thing. And I have plenty of stories of those that others have done for me. But I think it's just being seen for me. And obviously, the cadence of this conversation, having just talked about my mom.

• 23:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  It means like, hey, you are an individual. You matter. This is not a one size fits all situation. I am here to deliver an experience that is specific to and special to you.

• 23:28Speaker 01

  And if you can take that idea and be as relentless and creative and intentional in pursuit of making people feel that.

• 23:37Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Not only does it make other people feel extraordinary, not only does it make the deliverer of those things feel extraordinary, because I really do believe that hospitality is a selfish pleasure. But- I came to understand that it was the greatest competitive advantage that we as a restaurant could have. And I now have come to believe it's the greatest competitive advantage that any business can have.

• 24:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How did you create a whole culture around that? Like, I'm just thinking about anyone listening and we'll eventually, I want to talk about how you do this in your home, but making other people feel seen, whether or not you work in restaurants, just this, we're saying it's kind of the greatest competitive advantage of an individual, right? I mean, that's what, because there's no greater feeling we have. You know, I remember, I remember being at a restaurant when I had this cough and the waitress came up and I was like, oh, she's gonna be mad or I don't know. And I just couldn't stop coughing and she just brought me this tray of like two cough drops. It was like, I just, I can, I love that restaurant, by the way. I don't remember what I ate, right? But like, it doesn't matter.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  And by the way, they obsessed over every single dish they served you guaranteed. There was a team of people working on every single plate of food.

• 24:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  She would have just had these in her pocket. Like, I don't even know where she got them.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  Wherever they came from, but that one simple gesture meant so much more to you than anything else that they did.

• 25:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That's exactly right. So this culture of hospitality, of helping people feel seen and cared for in this unreasonable way. So bring me to your house, this kind of culture of care. How does that show up for you as a dad?

• 25:15Speaker 01

  One of the things I say often about hospitality, and I said this for years in my restaurants, but I believe it applies to anyone. I would always say to my team, we have an opportunity, perhaps even a responsibility, to create our own little magical world in a world that needs more magic. I think about magic a lot as it pertains to hospitality and caring and experiences. And one of my favorite quotes is by a teller, a Penn and Teller. He said, "Sometimes magic is just being willing to invest more energy into an idea than anyone else would reasonably expect."

• 25:55Speaker 01

  I like that because it enforces something I believe in. None of the stuff I talk about is hard. It just requires being willing to work a little bit harder. Yeah. I think the biggest thing I think of and how I bring it home to my kids is just to try to create magic. Try to create little and big moments that feel magical. We had a magic show at the Nomad back in the day and when I introduced it in the beginning, I talked about I love magic so much. And I do love like actual magic and magicians because these days, and it's even more so now with AI. We know how everything is done and there's this childlike wonder that comes from not

• 26:39Speaker 01

  understanding something. So my kids, right now, like if their lives don't feel unbelievably magical now, what am I doing? And so my favorite thing to do as a dad, in addition to the things I just should be doing to care for them and to protect them, is to just find little and big ways to, to create magic. Like what? Okay, Christmas is a good example. Although, my colleague and I, Brian Canlis, we've had all these conversations around

• 27:19Speaker 01

  how so many families are good at creating magic around the holidays, but it stops there. Like people go all out to make magic in the holidays and then like the rest of the year is just kind of boring. Clef. Yeah, seriously. But like, so last year, we watched the kids open all of their presents and, I mean, everyone's experienced this. You spend so much time trying to buy all these gifts that you think they're going to love and wrapping them and setting them under the tree and then it is over at like 30 minutes and like, it's like, ah, it feels so unfulfilling. And so this year I was like, okay, how do we extend that? And make it magical? So my kids are two and four at the time, so. I just, it didn't take me very long.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  I just created all these scavenger hunts for their gifts. I mean, for a two-year-old to look at a picture and then run to a different part of the house and see another pic, it felt like a magic trick. Um, we do something that Brian Canlis inspired me to do. The Tooth Fairy is like such an awesome opportunity for magic. And yet it's not that magical. Like you talk about the Tooth Fairy a little bit. You put the tooth, there's a coin. So he started this thing with his kids where when they lose their teeth, a tooth, they have to go open a window and scream as loud as they can.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  My name is blank. I just lost a tooth. I believe in magic. And they need to say it really loud so that the Tooth Fairy, wherever she is, hears them. And it just makes it more, I don't know,

• 29:05Speaker 01

  wonderful. And I put a space between wonder and full with intention.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  We try to do little things like that maybe aren't even, I wouldn't go so far as to describe them as magic, but my wife and I both work a lot. We travel a lot, but we are home on the weekends. And so Saturday morning is fancy cereal day. It's the only day they get to have sugary cereal. And pretty much every morning they wake up and they say, is it fancy cereal day? They like the cereal, but what they love is the knowledge that when they're eating that fancy cereal, it means that for the next two days, they're going to spend their entire days with mom and dad.

• 29:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  And so I like

• 29:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Ritual.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Rituals. I love the rituals.

• 29:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And can I just name something that you're doing that I, I mean, it's not magic, but it's definitely joy and ritual and in some ways branding, like fancy cereal day.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:08Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You just branded that for your kids, right? Like one day they will be, I don't know, 25 and someone will say the word fancy and cereal and they'll hear that together and they will conjure up like all of these Saturdays. And kids love that because I think it feels like an inside joke to them, right? And that feels magical to have. And, you know, my youngest was in a stage a couple of years ago of having a hard time going to bed, right? And it was always like, oh, one more of this, one more of this. I'm hungry and more water in my water bottle. And there was a night I just went in and I said, Do you know about sip and fill? He's like, what? I was like sip and fill. He's like, no. What is that? You know? I was like, oh.

• 30:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do you know what it is?

• 30:53Speaker 01

  No, but I'm just into it now.

• 30:56Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  When you sip your water bottle and you hand it to your mom and she fills it up and brings it back. Like literally, that's what it is. Sorry, I don't get too excited.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Dude, I'm about to fill you in on the coolest thing ever.

• 31:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Oh, because as soon as it became a thing and a branded moment.

• 31:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And an entity, it became a point of connection.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Which is what kids need at bedtime and all the time, right? And they feel seen and you have a little special moment. I think those moments do feel magical. I mean, for us too.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  For me, a hundred percent. Like, here's another one, another rebrand that we started. We, I travel a lot.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  I'm given gifts.

• 31:33Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  When I go to do a talk and

• 31:37Speaker 01

  one of the things I love what people are doing and how they gift to me is centered around this recognition that the best way to love on somebody is to love on the people they love. And so I'm increasingly getting gifts for my kids when I go to travel and I love that. Now, the problem is I don't want my kids to expect something from me every time I travel. And I don't want them to just have too much stuff. And it's less based on my OCD nature. It's more, I just don't want spoiled kids to have too much.

• 32:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  So we were struggling with that.

• 32:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  And we came up with this idea of the treasure store. And so every two months, we get to go to the treasure store. But the way the treasure store works is you have to bring a bunch of stuff to the treasure store. And then once you have, you get to go inside and get one thing from the treasure store. Just between you and I, the treasure store is the goodwill.

• 32:38Speaker 01

  But it is so fun.

• 32:41Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yes.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  And when they know they're getting there, we're gonna go to the treasure store. We go up to their room and they just start running around and they start grabbing stuff. And they fill up a bag and then we go to the treasure store. And it, every single time, like, I can't imagine, absent that branding, the arm twisting that would be required to get my kids to give away anything.

• 33:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do we have to go to Goodwill, Dad?

• 33:04Speaker 01

  I don't want to give away my stuff.

• 33:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah, so good. Okay, question for you. I feel like all of our strengths that could work for us can work against us. This extreme talent you have, really, to notice people, to see people. I've gotten a gift from you and, you know, the most thoughtful, best gift I've ever gotten from anyone.

• 33:27Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 33:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Does it, does it ever, does it ever work against you? Does it deplete you ever? Are there times when, you know, you, you feel like you lose yourself in the process? So just, I don't know, does that resonate at all or not really?

• 33:39Speaker 01

  I understand the question. It doesn't deplete me. I, I, I find that some,

• 33:48Speaker 01

  some things I do are energizing and some things are energy depleting.

• 33:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Like, to run a great restaurant, or I think a great business of any kind, I think it's equal parts focusing on excellence and hospitality. I really care about details. I derive pleasure out of executing at a very high level, every single little detail. And yet, as much as I do, that is depleting to me. The hospitality side, it always is energizing. Now, I will say that sometimes I can be so focused on trying to care for everyone in a room,

• 34:31Speaker 01

  that maybe I'm not as good at caring for the few people that I really should be caring for. Like, I can go somewhere with my wife, and I want to make sure everyone else feels comfortable and good. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, I'm not being a great husband right now.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  And so I'm trying to get better at caring less about some people so that I can care more about others.

• 35:05Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  The reality is you can't make everyone feel important at the same time.

• 35:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  In a business sense, like taking care of people, this really, really high expectation, excellence, right? I'm thinking about in your home, so much of what can be good for a kid is being so supported and having space to struggle, to mess up, right? To not be excellent all the time, for your parent to actually get it wrong, because in that moment, you learned something about yourself. How does that show up in parenting for you?

• 35:38Speaker 01

  I mean, you know, my kids are so young, and so being good or not good at stuff, we haven't gotten there yet. At the age they are right now, I have not yet had the experience of watching them truly struggle.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  And that's going to be an entirely new game for me to start playing.

• 36:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  But I think it's, I think it's a part of it, like because of my mom. My dad was at work a lot. I didn't have anyone to helicopter me. I didn't have anyone to like. My dad was there, like I remember I came home after suffering my first heartbreak when I was like 15, and my dad is a big, you know, manly, intense man. I did his voice earlier, he's Will, I mean, he has a, and he went over and he held me in his arms while I was crying for like two hours. Like he knew when it was time for me to know that I was held in that relationship.

• 36:45Speaker 01

  But he also let me figure a bunch of stuff out.

• 36:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Maybe it's just my filling in the blanks, but I don't know why I'm thinking about your mom, like being there for you with no words and just presence. Was that a version of what your dad did in that moment too?

• 36:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so. I've never actually made that connection. Yeah, he just literally, I walked in and I'm just, I mean, you know, the first heartbreak, like, I mean, just devastated. And I walked in, I'm sure it was like snot crying and, and he just walked up to me and he just picked me, he didn't even ask me why I was crying, like, so I want to be the dad that shows up in those moments, but with intention holds myself back from showing up

• 37:28Speaker 01

  so consistently in some of the smaller moments.

• 37:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think that's, I mean, talk about like feeling seen, feeling cared for. It is just, I mean, just, I feel like just isn't the right word because it makes it sound like it's easy, but it's just being there, like just being there, full attention, full presence.

• 37:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Probably not saying much, you know, no solutions, no lecture, no brilliant advice, just, and you said holding, I mean, I think that goes back to systems in a way, being a container. That's kind of what we are for our kids, right? The systems around them and their hard moments, we're all like an egg without a shell. We're like, be, just be my shell, you know?

• 38:08Speaker 01

  I mean, even my daughter now, like sometimes when she'll really hurt herself and she runs in the house crying and

• 38:15Speaker 01

  I remember the first time she like jumps into my arms and I'm holding her. And I'm like, hey, what, what happened? And she's like, I hurt my toes. Like, can I lick it? She's like, no, no, no, no. She just wanted to be held. She didn't want any help outside of feeling held. And now I've learned when she runs in, I'll just hold her. But I don't need to fix anything for her. I just need her to know that I'll be there to hold her when she needs to be held.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  Which again, back to the what is depleting and what is energizing? Gosh, that's the best. I don't want my kid to be hurt or to be sick, but the way they let me hold them when they are hurt or sick is literally one of my favorite things in the entire world.

• 38:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's okay. I have a little phrase for that, like, because I think of it as sick joy. Like when your kid is not, you know, they didn't break their bones, but like they had a hard moment, essentially, they experienced a bump in the world, they didn't get included somewhere, they couldn't figure out the puzzle and, you know, just knowing if you have this long-term vision of where you want your kid to go, which is just, I want my kid to be someone who can take on challenges and survive them. And no one gets so good at exiting from struggle. You just kind of can get good at tolerating it and finding yourself through it. If you're orienting to that long-term, then these moments, you have a little bit of sick joy knowing like, this is going to have a big impact.

• 39:40Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Like this is it.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  One of the things I found myself doing in restaurants in the beginning, I would say relationships are relationships and the lessons from the ones we have in life can be applied to those in work. More recently, I've started to think the same thing in reverse, that the lessons I learn at work can be brought back into my home because almost without exception, most successful people I know are far more intentional with the choices they make at work than they are with the choices they make at home.

• 40:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Yeah.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  I have been trying to be as studied and intentional and creative and curating the experience in my home as I always have been at work, but I think that is something that everyone could stand to do a little bit more consistently and a little bit better if you're reserving a majority of your intention for the workplace.

• 40:44Speaker 01

  I think you're selling yourself short and you're not making the most out of what, forget about like being other centered towards your children, but just not making the most out of what life can be.

• 40:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:59Speaker 01

  I think hospitality happens at the intersection of creativity and intention, and doing that at home a little bit more, I think it just makes life a lot more worth living and a heck of a lot more fun.

• 41:18Speaker 02

  I could talk to Will forever, and there are so many takeaways I'm going to have from our conversation, but there are three that feel pretty loud in my head right now, so I'm going to share them with you. Number one, I don't think I'll ever forget the way Will talked about his mom, having her full attention, the way she looked at him with interest and wonder.

• 41:41Speaker 02

  That will really stay with me. Number two, adding more magic, making a moment with our kid a little more fun, adding a story. Those things, I know it can feel like, oh, do I have the energy for that? But sometimes putting in the energy saves us a lot of energy for the rest of the day. And number three, keeping it simple. So often, the moments we all remember are the moments someone was just there for us. They held us, sat next to us, put their hand on our back and said nothing. I'm going to remind myself that that is more than enough during my kid's next hard moment, which will probably be later today.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  Before we go, I want to zoom out for a moment. This is part of a new series that we're calling How We're Raised. Every couple of weeks, we'll feature another conversation like this about how our upbringing shapes who we become. If this format resonated with you, let us know. I love when our listeners help shape what we do next in the podcast. And if there's something you'd love to hear in the series, or someone whose story you're curious about, please tell us. You can reach us at [email protected]. Now, let's end the way we always do. That won't change. Place your feet on the ground and a hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside.

• 43:13Speaker 02

  We remain good inside. I'll see you soon.

• 43:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know that feeling when your brain is at full capacity? Right? I mean, you have a reminder from the dentist in your email, a birthday party invitation on the fridge, and your kid just texted you about a soccer game they forgot to mention until that moment, and you just cannot remember one more thing. That's where Skylight Calendar comes in. It's an all-in-one digital smart calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook to help your whole family see the days and weeks ahead. And I really love the Tasks feature, which is designed to help your kid build routines around things like homework and chores. And when your kid can do those things independently, it's a huge win for everyone in the family. Skylight Calendar is so much more than just a calendar.

• 44:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's something you can add to your routine to help your family work together. And right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to myskylight.com/becky. That's M-Y-S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T.com/becky for $30 off your 15-inch calendar. myskylight.com/becky. You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support,

• 44:52Dr. Becky Kennedy?

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• 45:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  even get a discount on daycare tuition as a Care.com member. If you need more support, Care.com can help. For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a Care.com membership. When it's not you, it's Care.com.