3 Reasons Why 99% of Relationships FAIL

SUMMIT OF GREATNESS IS 2 DAYS AWAY! Have you saved your tickets yet? Get them before they sell out at lewishowes.com/tickets. Welcome back to another powerful episode of The School of Greatness! Today, we're diving deep into the world of love and relationships with four incredible experts who will share their wisdom on creating lasting, fulfilling connections. From healing past traumas to embracing vulnerability, get ready to embark on a journey towards deeper connections and genuine love. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or somewhere in between, this episode is packed with transformative insights that will help you cultivate healthier, more vibrant relationships. Let's unlock the secrets of lasting love together! In this episode you will learnWhy 99% of relationships fail and how to overcome the biggest obstacles to lasting loveThe crucial difference between chemistry and compatibility in finding your ideal partnerHow to create a safe emotional space in your relationship through brain preparation and self-compassionThe power of acceptance and allowance in building a strong foundation for lovePractical strategies for healing past traumas and cultivating self-worth in relationshipsFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1666For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Eckhart Tolle – https://link.chtbl.com/1463-podRhonda Byrne – https://link.chtbl.com/1525-podJohn Maxwell – https://link.chtbl.com/1501-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Hello, my friend. If you are looking for love, if you're looking to build a healthy relationship, or you're trying to fix a relationship that you have and make it a safer environment and a long-lasting loving relationship, then you've come to the right place. Welcome to the School of Greatness. I'm your host, Lewis Howes. In today's episode, we are diving deep into four powerful moments that have resonated with the world about relationships from our show. From healing past traumas to embracing vulnerability, get ready to embark on a journey towards deeper connections and genuine love. We don't go into relationships thinking that they're going to fail. At least, I know I don't. I've always tried to make them work, but a lot of them in the past haven't worked. And I've learned hard, painful

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  lessons. And I'm going to share some of those lessons with you today, and also dive into some of these powerful moments. So in this episode, we are going to explore key reasons why relationships fail, and what you can do to find lasting love.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  It's been so amazing.

• 1:05Lewis Howes?

  Last year was just a transformative, life-changing event. Team Greatness is great. My name is Lewis Howes. Thanks so much for being here. I want to remind you about the Summit of Greatness, our annual conference happening this September in Los Angeles. With David Goggins, Dr. Joe Dispenza, and many more incredible speakers and performers, there will be so many live attendees there that you can meet with, you can network with, and you can help transform your life. I can't wait to see you at the Summit of Greatness here in Los Angeles.

• 1:43Lewis Howes?

  To start, I'm going to introduce you to Michael Todd, as he shares why 99% of relationships fail. And this is a huge one that most people miss out on, and what you can do today to find lasting love. Now, Michael's insights on authenticity, trauma, and self-love are crucial for anyone looking to build a strong foundation in their relationships. And as you watch or listen, think to yourself, how can being fully authentic and addressing past traumas help us create deeper, more meaningful connections?

• 2:15Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think a lot of relationships aren't working out today?

• 2:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:20Lewis Howes?

  Specifically to our culture and society? Is it because people are choosing wrong? Is it because they're getting into a relationship at the wrong time? Is it because they're not clear on the tools on how to have healthy relationships?

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:36Lewis Howes?

  And intimacy? What do you think is wrong with relationships today?

• 2:39Speaker 02

  So, um, first off, I want to say that relationships are how we were, I believe, designed to interact with each other in this life. So for everybody that's listening and watching, be like, that's why I don't do no relationships. I don't want no relationships. Like, you're missing out on, I believe, what is the fabric? The most valuable connection you could have is authentic, real, the life-giving relationship with somebody else. So, so for everybody that's been hurt, I just feel to start there, to everybody who's been burned and wounded and all that other stuff, I do believe that this is how God intended for it to be, us to be in relationship. But the reason, to answer your question, why I think it's so hard and it doesn't seem like

• 3:22Speaker 02

  a lot of people are doing well in relationship is because of three reasons. Number one, I don't think that they're bringing their full self to the relationship. I think many times when people start in relationship, they, they, they really give versions of themselves. And I understand it to a degree, but some people have been married for 10 years and still, they've never met who they really are married to.

• 3:45Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 3:46Speaker 02

  Some people have been in business with people for years and they've never really met their business partner.

• 3:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  They're getting these versions of them that are triggered by, number two, their trauma.

• 3:57Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  So, so, so, so the version I present of you is not really who I am. It's who I am after I was in the relationship with the last guy. It's after I'm in the relationship with the last business partner. So when I come, I don't come with fresh trust. I don't come with fresh expectation. I don't come assuming the best. I come to you like, maybe you won't hurt me like the other person did? So I'm gonna give you this much, cuz I never want to actually feel that again.

• 4:25Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  And you can never really love unless hurt is an option. Say that one more time. You can never really love is being hurt is not an option. Interesting. And a lot of people are trying to mitigate the hurt so they also mitigate the amount of love they can feel. Interesting. And at the level that you are vulnerable, it's the level that you can actually experience the love, the acceptance, the joy that you really want in a marriage. And so I always ask people, I was like, who are you bringing to this relationship? Are you bringing the broken battered, wounded, jacked up pessimistic version of yourself to this? Are you actually saying, you know what? I need to start over. This is a brand new person. I need to maybe not even be in a relationship right now so I can go heal.

• 5:11Speaker 02

  And that's my burden of even this book and some of the things that I'm talking about. I really feel like the quality of our life would increase if we would allow the quality of our healing to increase.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  And most people don't want to take the time to heal. I mean, you used to play ball. Like, think about it. Every contact sport has an off season. And the primary reason for an off season is what? Healing. Healing. I've been getting hit. I've been running. I've been lifting weights. I've been ripping and tearing and all the different things. And so I need a season so that I can become the version of me that I know I can be up here. But my body, my emotions, my will needs time to become that in here. Yes. And a lot of people are jumping from relationship to relationship, business entrepreneurship to business entrepreneurship partner. They're going from this to that. And I I'm scared that many people aren't reaching their greatest purpose or their greatest height

• 6:08Speaker 02

  because they have not taken the time to actually heal. And so that would be the answer to my question, to your question holistically. I think people aren't doing good in relationships is because they're not tending to themselves. Right, they're not tending. So you said not bringing the full self to the other person, whether it's intimacy, whether it's friendship or business.

• 6:30Lewis Howes?

  They're allowing their traumas to guard them or hold them back as well because they're not allowing themselves to recover or heal. What would be the third thing, did you say?

• 6:40Speaker 02

  I would say that the third thing of this, now my mind, you got my mind going a thousand places. Now, I'm ready to start Relationship Goals Part Two. But the third thing would be that they do not give, they don't tend to themselves.

• 6:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, they don't tend to themselves, yeah.

• 6:53Speaker 02

  So what ends up happening is, I'm a person of faith and so the Bible says that you can only love your neighbor at the level that you love yourself.

• 7:00Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, so if you have a level two out of 10 of self-love.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  You only can give at maximum a two.

• 7:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  And a lot of times, you don't give nobody else the maximum.

• 7:12Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  So, so again, if you can't deal with you, if you can't look at yourself in the mirror, if you can't forgive yourself, if you can't say, "We failed back there, but there's still greatness in the inside of you," if you can't do that to yourself, it's very difficult to love somebody else at that level. And that's where I think a lot of times, our relationships are really a reflection.

• 7:33Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  The reason it's not working is because you can't divorce you.

• 7:37Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  But you can let go of him.

• 7:39Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  And you don't like what you're getting from you, but you can not like what you're getting from them and try it again.

• 7:44Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  And so, I think that sometimes, I'm talking heavy right now, Louis, but what I am saying is I feel like some people need to take time to reflect and remember, to retool and then renew. And I think that's how, out of that, your relationships will be so much more vibrant. They will be so much more intentional, as well as you'll get to experience the fruitfulness and the joy out of those relationships because you've done enough work on you.

• 8:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:15Speaker 02

  To know what you're actually looking for.

• 8:16Lewis Howes?

  This idea of healing is something that I've really loved over my last decade, but specifically over the last two and a half years. I've Dive deeper into internal and spiritual healing.

• 8:29Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 8:29Lewis Howes?

  And it has created a level of peace and an internal environment of harmony that I've never experienced in my life.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 8:38Lewis Howes?

  That allows me to see clearly, or at least more clearly, right? Of who's in front of me, what I want. It just gives me more awareness. But I remember many years, if not decades, feeling very anxious when a relationship wasn't working out, going through a breakup and feeling like I gotta get back on, you know, my relationship game quickly. And never really taking the time to heal because it was really scary.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:06Lewis Howes?

  It was really scary to face the trauma or the shame or the whatever it was I was holding on to. It was scary and all I wanted was intimacy and connection with someone else. I didn't want to be alone.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 9:17Lewis Howes?

  I don't know if anyone can relate to this.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  Everybody can relate to that. Everybody can.

• 9:20Lewis Howes?

  So for those who are like, you know what? But it's just, it feels, I feel so alone. I feel so scared. This trauma, I don't even want to think about it because it's so dark.

• 9:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:30Lewis Howes?

  Or it's so hard for me to focus on. What do you say to people that are really struggling, that really want love, really want intimacy and connection and just deep compassion with someone else, but they're afraid to do the healing work because the trauma is so scary?

• 9:46Speaker 02

  So I would say to you, because I know there's thousands of people watching this that feel that exact same thing. You need to examine the pattern.

• 9:56Lewis Howes?

  Man, that's so true.

• 9:57Speaker 02

  Because if this is a pattern of you continually getting hurt because you do not heal, then it might be better for you long-term to do the work to heal so that you can cut the cycle.

• 10:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  I think about Rest in Heaven, Kobe Bryant, when he, when he tore his Achilles. And. He said he could come back and play before he was fully healed. He, he, he was ready. I mean, and he would have probably been better than nine out of 10 people on the floor. He could have fooled everybody, but he knew he wasn't his hundred percent. He wasn't his best. He was not his best. So if it came down to the last minute when he really needed to be his best, he wouldn't have what he needed to have. So they took the time for him to actually heal. What I'm saying is you may be fooling everybody. You may, your Instagram is popping, your business is successful.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  You got the bag and the body and you got all the different things, but you know, deep down in your, your soul, your mind willing emotions, you know, you're still hurting. Ooh. And so what ends up happening is you come in limping to love. You limp into love. Wow. Instead of leaping into love. Right. You should be able to go a lot higher, but because you're still a, aware of the thing that you need to be healed, you don't go. And so what I'm saying is if this is a pattern, if this is, if this been the same, it was John and then it was Joey and then it was Julio, then it was Jaquan and then it was Jared. Like if it, if it's the same thing, you might wanna step back and get a new perspective, cuz the pattern is the same. Mm-hmm.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  And a season of discipline can produce a lifetime of freedom. Come on. And that's where I just, my encouragement, I've counseled too many people. I've been around too many people. I've helped so many people get through this hump in their life. And, and what they realize is what they're scared of, they need the most. That intentional time with themselves, that intentional time with God, that intentional time with community, that intentional time in counseling. They need that because if you discover you, if you find out who you were made to be and walk in your purpose and get confident in that thing, then you actually will attract what you really wanna love. And most people are attracting to their insecurities. Ooh, man, that's true.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  You, you're attracting based on your trauma, not on the healed version of you. Right. And so you're looking for somebody to play Savior and they can't. They, they've never been able to have that ability in this life. And so I would just encourage those people, I know it's hard. I know it's frustrating. I know you probably even tried before.

• 12:42Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  But as someone who can identify with you, like as someone who did not want to face their trauma, did not want to talk about the bad stuff that happened, did not want to even block stuff out. Like, like, no, like, I'm, I'm not going there. Like, the journey that I've gone on to actually take everything that has damaged me and say, you know what? I may be damaged, but I'm not destroyed. This thing that was trauma, it actually can be fuel to make me triumph. I learned that the value was still in me. And then, once I learned the value was in me, then I could give and add value to other people. And so, I'm telling you, it may be hard, but it's going to be worth it.

• 13:22Lewis Howes?

  I love this segment because Michael talks about these, these keys to really creating lasting love. And I think one of the biggest that resonated with me is making sure you take the time to heal. I've heard this from so many different relationship experts that I've interviewed here over the years. And I have made this mistake more times than I can remember, where I didn't take the time to heal between relationships, or I didn't take the time to heal within a relationship. And I just wanted to fix something and not address the traumas, the pains, or the things that were causing me breakdown. So really take the time to heal. If you're in a long-term relationship right now that you feel like you're struggling, or there's a lot of friction,

• 14:06Lewis Howes?

  take the time and space within the relationship. You don't have to end it and break up with the person. Just take the time to make sure you heal. Then you can create a better relationship moving forward, or take the necessary steps to remove yourself from that relationship. This will allow you to get clear on what are these negative patterns that I'm constantly in? And how can I shift them or shift into a different relationship with myself or the person I'm with? So again, I hope you enjoyed that. Leave a comment below on what your big takeaway from that moment was. So next up, we have New York Times bestselling author and relationship coach Matthew Hussey, who is one of my longtime friends and a favorite here on The School of Greenness.

• 14:49Lewis Howes?

  He emphasizes that love is not enough in intimate relationships. And this is a concept that I thought. You know, love is all you need. This is something we hear all the time. But he says, love is not enough. So let's take a look and let me know what you think.

• 15:04Speaker 03

  Like I, a friend of mine I wrote about in the book, her name is Tanya, she

• 15:11Speaker 03

  she had had a very, very busy career for a long time and was at a point in her life where she wanted a relationship. And she also knew she wanted a family. She wanted marriage. She wanted kids. And she got to the point where she just would be very not upfront with people about asking, like, do you want that with me? It would, that she would never do that, but

• 15:34Lewis Howes?

  Do you want to have kids? Do you want to be married? Yeah.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  She would literally bring those things up proactively and say, you know, but she would almost start with herself. So she'd say, I'm really excited. You know, whenever they asked her a question about her love life, she'd say, I'm really, I'm in a place in my life where I've worked hard for a long time. I've put a lot of focus into my career. I feel like I'm ready now. Like, I get really excited about the idea of being married. I get excited about the idea of being a mom. That's something I really want for myself at some point. And by saying that, she wasn't saying, I want it tomorrow. But by saying that, she was very clearly putting her cards on the table about what was important to her. She wasn't trying to play cool and indifferent. And like, yeah, you know, just see what life throws at me. I don't care.

• 16:20Lewis Howes?

  Just have fun.

• 16:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, she's like, very clearly like, this is something I'm excited about in my life. How about you? And then you're inviting someone to the conversation.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  You're doing it in a way where you're making it, it's a very positive thing. This is, you know, often we think of the things we want as our baggage. How do I bring up the fact that I want kids or that I want to get married or like, I don't want to scare them. I don't want to, we, we come at it from this place of like, it's I'm fearful of putting my intentions on the table. But if you, what she did very well is she didn't make them her intentions for someone else. She made them her intentions for herself. She was just letting the person in on those intentions. And then she was asking what their intentions were for themselves. So in doing that, you're not making it about like, we're on, you know, date four and having this

• 17:14Speaker 03

  conversation that's way ahead of where we are right now for ourselves, for each other, I mean. It was more, I'm the same way that I might on a date, talk about how I'm excited to start this business in the next few years.

• 17:30Speaker 03

  Well, what's the difference between that and I'm excited to be married in the next few years, or I'm excited to have a family in the next few years? Like, what's the difference? They're all just things, they're all goals of yours, they're all things you're excited about for your life. So why attach all this baggage to the one that, you know, might one day involve someone else? It's because we, our fear of getting rejected is getting involved and saying, they're gonna make, they're gonna think that I'm putting pressure on them or whatever. But actually, if we own it as our intentions and, and we own the fact that they haven't even, they're not even at the point where we could know that we, like, you're not at the point where I know I could want that with you right now.

• 18:12Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 18:12Speaker 03

  There's a hundred more little experiences we need to go through before I would ever know that you're the person that I want for that. So how could it be about you right now? This is about me. But I'm curious to know whether, you know, what it is you want in your life. Because if for you, you told me today, oh, I categorically never want to have kids.

• 18:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  And that's important to me, then, hey, that's cool, I get it, let's have a great dinner.

• 18:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and then see you later.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, have a good one.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 18:42Lewis Howes?

  It's so interesting you say this because Martha did a really good job of being curious with her questions with me early on and not reacting or being like, I can't believe that's what you want right now.

• 18:54Speaker 03

  Being neutral about it.

• 18:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, just kind of being like curious about, oh, tell me about this and tell me about this and tell me about your past and all these things where she wasn't reactive and making me wrong or shameful for my life, right? And she wasn't like, oh, that's really scary or something like that. She was more curious and just paying attention and noticing. And there was about maybe a month and a half in of us dating, or maybe it was two months, I can't remember. We weren't officially committed yet, but we were dating and seeing, you know, having a hundred of those little moments. She said, hey, I want to ask you a question. With a pause, and I was like, okay, what is this? I've already told you this before. She was like, what are your pri- She said, what are your priorities in life? I think every woman says this at some point to some guy they're dating.

• 19:40Lewis Howes?

  What are your priorities? And, um, and I got sad in that moment. I got sad because for the first time, I was like, man, I really like her. And I feel like this, we're in harmony in a lot of areas. We're in alignment in a lot of areas. But every time I've shared my priorities in previous relationships, there's always a negative reaction. There's always a pain, an anger, an upset, something. So I was like, I'm really sad because, and I said this to her, I said, I'm going to tell you the truth of my priorities, but I think this is the last conversation we might have. And I was really, I was really sad because I was like, dang it, I'm really enjoying my time with her.

• 20:24Lewis Howes?

  And I just don't know if she's willing to accept the priorities in my life right now.

• 20:31Lewis Howes?

  And she kind of got a little, she was like, what is it? She thought it was like going to be some horrible thing or something, right? So I'm like, like, listen, I'm, I'm wanting, this whole time I've known you, I've been a hundred percent honest with you about everything, even stuff that's uncomfortable for me, for my past or shameful things. And so my priority is to continue to be honest with you, but I just don't think you can handle what I'm about to tell you. And I don't think you're going to accept it.

• 20:57Lewis Howes?

  And then she eventually was like, listen, trust me, I'll be able to handle it. And I said, okay, I just, no woman has ever handled my response to this question before, but it's nice knowing you. It's been nice knowing you. And I was really sad, I was really sad before I shared it. And I said, listen, uh, my first priority in life, and this may change in the future, but this is where I'm at right now in this season of my life. My first priority is my health. Because I want to be healthy. I want to make sure I'm taking care of my mental health, physical, spiritual health. So I need time every day to take care of that. And that's a number one priority. If I don't take care of health, I'm not going to have good energy. I'm not going to be as happy. I'm going to be, you know, cranky.

• 21:42Lewis Howes?

  And that's not the life I want to live. So that's the first priority for me. And I've told that to previous relationships and every girl I was dating got mad at me for saying health as number one as opposed to them as number one, the relationship. And she didn't react right away. So I was like, okay, priority number two, you're not gonna like this. Hold on, it gets worse. Yes. Priority number two, you're not gonna like this. It's still not gonna be you if we're in a relationship. Priority number two is my vision, is my purpose in life. What I feel, you know, I don't know the, the, the magic and the miracle of life and why we're here.

• 22:25Lewis Howes?

  I don't know the answer to, but I do know that there's some type of calling inside of me, some type of voice, some type of pull. Telling me that I need to continue to grow, continue to develop and to serve humanity in a specific way. As my purpose for this season of life. And that requires a lot of time, a lot of energy and a lot of attention. And I know if I'm not taking care of my energy with that priority. I will be frustrated, cranky, grumpy. I'll feel like something's off inside of me because I'm pulling myself away from my purpose of this season of life. And that's priority number two. It's still not you. Or if we get together, it won't be you, right?

• 23:07Lewis Howes?

  And if she didn't react right away, she's just kind of like, okay, and what else? And I said, priority number three in my, in my life right now is my, my intimate relationship. You know, if that's with you or whatever it might be, it'll be creating a healthy, loving environment. A peaceful environment in a relationship so we can thrive together in a relationship. And those are my top three priorities. And I'm just kind of waiting for her to say, okay, see you later. But she goes, I love that. You know, that's really beautiful. And I've, and I've always wanted to meet a man who valued their health, valued their purpose and valued their relationship. And I said, really? You're not like, you're not gonna run away? You're not afraid of that?

• 23:51Lewis Howes?

  She said, no. She goes, that makes sense to me. And it was in alignment with her as well. And I said, listen, the reason I'm saying this, because if I'm extremely healthy and taking care of mentally, physically, spiritually.

• 24:07Lewis Howes?

  If I'm on purpose, on a daily, consistent basis, I'm gonna be more alive, I'm gonna have more energy, and you're gonna feel like the number one priority. You will feel my love, my appreciation, my attention, my care, my thoughtfulness, my generosity, a thousandfold than if I made you the number one priority and I neglected health and I neglected purpose. That would only last so long where I could pour into you as my only priority, top priority, and then everything else is secondary. And so you will feel like number one priority if you're in alignment with me with these other two. And it was a beautiful experience because I thought the relationship was gonna be over, but instead, that's when it started.

• 24:50Lewis Howes?

  When it was like, okay, I'm able to have a challenging conversation and share these things vulnerably. The fear that you may not like what I'm about to say. And if I'm accepted with that, then it felt like it was just starting to begin with that challenging conversation. And I think a lot of us get afraid of opening up. We get afraid of talking about these things, or even like you said, like, you know, my intention is to have a family one day. It doesn't have to be with you, starting next month, which that would scare me away if someone was like, I need this by next month. We need to make this happen. Sure. That doesn't work for me. We don't know each other.

• 25:31Lewis Howes?

  But I think having these uncomfortable conversations earlier on will create more freedom later in the future. Wow. Love is not enough. I remember posting a clip talking about this myself on social media, and I think it got like 10 million views. When someone said, well, why is it not enough? Well, I said, you need values, vision, and lifestyle. And you need to really prioritize values first, I believe, and make sure that you're in alignment and super clear with the person that you're dating or entering a committed relationship with and say, these are my values. And not make someone else wrong if they don't have the same values as you. And really asking yourself, are we in alignment? We don't have to have all the values exactly the same,

• 26:16Lewis Howes?

  but am I okay with their values if they're not mine? And are they okay with mine? Or are these gonna be challenges and struggles in the future? Because we're just not in alignment on our values. So I wish that we could all live in fairyland and think that love is all you need. And sometimes maybe it is, but for most of the time, I really feel like you need values. You need your vision to be in alignment and you need your lifestyle alignments to be there as well. That's my thought. What do you think below? Is love enough? Do you need more than love? Leave a comment below and let me know what you think. Now, in our next segment is, you know, my favorite person in the world. It's Martha Iguadeta. She's my fiance.

• 26:55Lewis Howes?

  She's spoke on Summit of Greatness 2023 stage where I proposed to her in front of the entire audience. There was a beautiful moment. But we talked about, before I proposed, we talked about the importance of authenticity, acceptance, joy and freedom in relationships. And I'll tell you what, I've been in many relationships in the past and I've never felt free in any of those relationships. In this one, I do. It is an incredible feeling that I want everyone who experiences a loving relationship to have. And when you don't feel free in a relationship, I'm not saying you can do whatever you want in the relationship, but I feel free to be myself. I accept myself and I feel accepted by her.

• 27:40Lewis Howes?

  It's a beautiful thing. And I didn't know that was possible because I never experienced that in any relationship before. I don't know if you can relate to that, raise your hand, leave a comment below like this, if that relates to you, if you know what that feels like. But it's suffocating. It feels like you're trapped. It feels like you're a prisoner to a relationship and you have to change yourself constantly. But Martha's approach, she really talks about chemistry versus compatibility in this moment that we're going to share with you. And she offers a fresh perspective on attracting your ideal partner. I'm so excited for you to listen to this, to watch it. Leave a comment below as you're listening and let me know what you think.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  So my acronym is the word balanced. And balanced with triple C, actually, we'll go into it. But

• 28:30Lewis Howes?

  It's not passion or chemistry.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  It's not passion, it's not chemistry. No, no. You know, that's the other thing because, because I think chemistry is extremely overrated. It should be valued because I think it's important, but it's extremely overrated. Because What chemistry does, and this is why they say love is blind, is because it really gets in the front of your head, creates all these chemicals, and you're not able to see the person as who they really are.

• 29:02Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  You're feeling these chemicals and you think you like the person, but you're actually, what you're liking is the chemical reaction that person is creating in you. You don't know this person. How can you really like them? Or love them? So that's why I'm a firm believer in the advice that my parents always told me, which is spend time getting to know the other person. And everything that comes your way is just information. You don't try to add to it, make them more, you know, amazing that they really are, and also you don't try to delete all the little things, some little red flags that you're seeing. Everything is information.

• 29:44Lewis Howes?

  And you don't, what I've heard you talk about is like not choosing to be with someone based on potential.

• 29:51Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no.

• 29:52Lewis Howes?

  Why not?

• 29:53Speaker 01

  Because then you're all, you're, you're, you're basically gonna spend a lot of time to try to mold them and make them or encourage them into becoming that potential. But every person is just living their own life. Nobody wants to be changed. You know, saying to a person, "You should do this, you should do that," like, nobody likes that.

• 30:11Lewis Howes?

  I guess it's different if you're seeing that someone's taking their own actions and they're becoming something.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Yes, that's different.

• 30:16Lewis Howes?

  Then you can be inspired by that potential.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:18Lewis Howes?

  But if you're like, "Well, they're so good, but they're, they could be so much more, but they're not taking any actions to show it," then that's not the same.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  And that's why I think the key of what you just said is if you're already seeing they're taking action. The problem is, if they're not taking action, but you are the one seeing that they could take the action, you're gonna start saying, "Hey, do this, do that, do that." And at the end of the day, that creates a dynamic that is like this, you telling this person that they should be different. And that creates a lot of resentment from the other person, and a lot of resentment on yourself because you're trying really hard to change them.

• 30:56Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. One of the things that, you know, before you get into your acronym, which I know the thing is really powerful, we've read so many books together, I'll talk about some of this. We've done so many different things together, which has been really cool, but one of the things that we talked about before we got, you know, committed to one another, we spent many months together, so much time together before we got committed. I made a conscious decision, and I think you did as well, that we were going to choose to accept the person for who they were in that moment and what we've experienced and saying, okay, if this is who you are, I choose to accept you. It doesn't mean I'm not gonna get frustrated or be, you know, have some aggravations here and there, but choosing to accept and love you for this person that I'm experiencing

• 31:38Lewis Howes?

  and let stuff go, like just not let other things affect me.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:42Lewis Howes?

  That takes a lot of work for me to continue to grow and a lot of work for you to continue to grow, to accept one another, so it's been, um, but having that and feeling like I can be a hundred percent who I am is the greatest peace and freedom I've ever experienced in my life.

• 31:57Speaker 01

  Me too, for me.

• 31:57Lewis Howes?

  And I'm sure for you, like, I, I told her before this day, I said, listen, if we're gonna choose to commit to one another,

• 32:05Lewis Howes?

  I said, I'm never going to get angry at you. And I don't think I have, I maybe I've gotten, you know, a little frustrated, but I haven't, I haven't gotten angry at you in over two years.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  No.

• 32:17Lewis Howes?

  I mean, call me out if I am.

• 32:18Speaker 01

  No, you haven't.

• 32:19Lewis Howes?

  I've gotten maybe frustrated, or I've been tired, or I've been, you know, whatever, not my best self, but I'm not getting angry at you and

• 32:25Speaker 01

  No.

• 32:26Lewis Howes?

  and hopefully I never do get angry at you, but I made that commitment, I was like, I am going to accept you. You know, as long as we're living into the agreements that we've agreed to.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:35Lewis Howes?

  With flexibility, with, you know, patience, then I should have no reason to be angry at you, cuz I've gotten to know you up to this point of who you are, seen so much of you, probably ninety percent of your personality I got to witness in, in multiple months of tons of time and trips and traveling and all these things we went to, I was like, okay, I've seen a lot of your personality, obviously I don't know everything about you, but we knew a lot about each other. And I was like, okay, if this is who you are, then there's no reason for me to get angry. Unless you start not acting this way, and you act like a completely different person.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:10Lewis Howes?

  I'm going to accept you and Never get angry at you because there's no reason for me to. And hopefully that makes you feel at peace.

• 33:20Speaker 01

  It makes me feel very at peace.

• 33:22Lewis Howes?

  And I know, and I said, and that's my one thing, I need you to accept and love me. Because if I'm gonna give that to you, I don't want someone getting angry at me or reactive or frustrated. It doesn't work for me.

• 33:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:33Lewis Howes?

  And so it was a mutual agreement and understanding from the beginning. And again, I was like, it doesn't mean you can't be frustrated or let down or sad or disappointed. You can have emotions and feel things, but lashing out on me doesn't make sense if we're trying to create a value system of conscious relationship. For me, it didn't make sense because I'd had that so many times in the past and I didn't like it.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:54Lewis Howes?

  So I'd rather be alone and single and peace in my own space than be on eggshells. Wondering when is someone gonna be unhappy with me or react to me or whatever. And so it's been a beautiful experience. I'm very grateful for you for that.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  It's been a close relationship.

• 34:08Lewis Howes?

  But I don't know if a lot of people can have learned how to do that. And so what is this BALANCE acronym?

• 34:17Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, so okay, this, I think this is very important. Um, I mean, at least it was for me, uh, and it is for me. One of them, so that I said is balance, right? So the B, which is super important is be yourself. A lot of the times when we meet someone new, we are trying to mold ourselves to who they are. And or just show the best version of yourself all times, the whole time or that, you know, things like that. Just be yourself and in order for you to be yourself and your authentic self, get to know yourself. And getting to know yourself also takes the exercise of knowing how do you like to be loved?

• 35:01Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 35:03Speaker 01

  And how you like to love.

• 35:05Lewis Howes?

  And we got very fortunate because early on we went through so many different exercises on our love languages.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:13Lewis Howes?

  I don't know if it was like just synchronicities or timing, but we have the exact same order of love language. Meaning. What I like to give, I also like to receive, and she likes to give and receive as well.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:26Lewis Howes?

  So, I'm not really a gift person. If she buys me a gift, I'm like, "Thank you," but it's not like, "Oh, it makes me feel so loved and so warm, and I feel so appreciated and seen." It's like, I'm cool, but I can buy this myself, you know, I'm kind of have that mentality. "Okay, cool," but it doesn't make me feel loved.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:43Lewis Howes?

  But touch and affirmations, you know, and words of affirmation, like, "I'm doing that with you all day, and you're doing that with me," and I'm like, "Man, I feel really loved." So I don't have to work harder to make you feel loved. And you don't have to work harder to make me feel loved, or do something that you normally don't do authentically.

• 36:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:05Lewis Howes?

  And I think that alignment has been really helpful. And I'm not saying it's what has to happen, but it's been really helpful for me and for her.

• 36:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's been really helpful. And even if we didn't have the same love languages, because maybe some people here say, "Wait, wait a second, we don't have the same love languages." We do, and this is great. Mom and Dad, they have it too. They have words of affirmation with each other and acts of service with each other. But if you have different ones, you can have the conversation and then do the things that you know for the other person will make them feel loved.

• 36:36Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  And then vice versa.

• 36:38Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. So the B...

• 36:39Speaker 01

  So the B is be your authentic self. The A is so important, which we touched a little bit on this, is acceptance. It's so important to accept the other person, which is why it's important to take your time to get to know them. Because you're going to see if the things that you hold as your values, as your vision, and as your lifestyle matches with the values, which is so important, of the other person, and their vision.

• 37:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  And also the lifestyle.

• 37:11Lewis Howes?

  We did a lot of exercises early on about our values and our vision.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:14Lewis Howes?

  We actually went to a location, and we did a whole meditation process where I said, "Listen, I want you to write your values." And I'm gonna write my values. We're not gonna let each other see them until after we've both completed. Cause I wanted to see if we're in alignment, or if we're completely off on things. Not, not meaning it wouldn't work out, but we'd have to come to an agreement on alignment.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:37Lewis Howes?

  And we had so many things in alignment, based on this exercise, where I was like, okay, she's not just writing something down, cause she knows I wrote it down, and vice versa. She's not doing something, cause she wants to impress me. She was just writing down what your values were. And that was just another helpful exercise, I think, for both of us.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:55Lewis Howes?

  Okay. Maybe those three things aren't my values, but I'm not against those things. And same thing for you, it was like, okay, he really values this. It's not really for you, but you're not against it. It's not against your values.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  It actually enriches my life, and vice versa, so. And a lot of them were very similar values. It was, it was a beautiful exercise that I recommended to everybody, even if you are already together. Just write it, separate from each other. What are your values?

• 38:21Lewis Howes?

  See how you can find alignment. We did, I mean, we did six, seven, we did an eight-hour therapy session on a Saturday one time, together. And, um, it's kinda crazy, but it's also extremely powerful.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  It was.

• 38:32Lewis Howes?

  On all the different exercises that we did. And we learned more and more about each other, even though we were doing these exercises together. It was powerful to have a, a third party, who had been seasoned in these things.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:47Lewis Howes?

  To support us. And, and any disagreements we might have, because we do have disagreements, but they don't become arguments, because we create conscious conversations, to form new agreements around a disagreement.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:03Lewis Howes?

  And that allows us to have more peace and harmony, as opposed to resentment. So it's beautiful, what you're talking about with.

• 39:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think acceptance is very important, because of the changing thing that we just talked about. Most people don't wanna be changed by the other person, so I just accept the person, for who they are and where they are.

• 39:21Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  I think that's very important, and the L from balance, is laughter. I think laughter, joy, um, sexiness, like, anything that you guys enjoy.

• 39:34Lewis Howes?

  Harper?

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Together. That's why I said, laughter and joy. I'm curating this, all of this for Harper.

• 39:40Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  Um, I think, I think that's important.

• 39:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 39:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, laughter, joy, appreciation with each other, you know, having these moments, I think.

• 39:51Speaker 01

  You know, I don't think anyone's gonna disagree with that. The other A, which I think is extremely important is allowance.

• 39:59Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean by allowance? Allowing someone to do whatever they want at any moment, at any time?

• 40:04Speaker 01

  No, I think allowance has to do with flexibility. Like allowing the person to make mistakes. Sometimes we get into, when you're in relationships or something, you get into silly arguments because somebody made just a tiny mistake. You're like, ah, how come you didn't take out the dogs? And I don't know, well, I just forgot. And that's okay, like allowance, have the allowance.

• 40:29Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't have to be perfect all the time?

• 40:31Speaker 01

  You don't have to be perfect all the time, no. And also because I am living my human experience and Louis is living his human experience. And we're just sharing it with each other. So if in your human experience, there's something that happens to you, you're just living your life. And I'm here for you, next to you. And you're allowed to be. You know, it's the allowance also of having freedom, freedom.

• 40:59Lewis Howes?

  In the relationship.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Within the relationship. I think it's important. Like the other day, you came, you came home and I saw this jujitsu, jujitsu suit outfit. And I'm like, oh, it looks like he's getting into jujitsu now. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna get into jujitsu. Oh, what if your ears go into the, if he wants to turn his ears into broccoli or whatever, Brussels sprouts? I'm like, that's his life. It's good. He's, he's living his life.

• 41:30Lewis Howes?

  Broccoli?

• 41:30Speaker 01

  I don't know, whatever.

• 41:32Lewis Howes?

  Cauliflower, what cauliflower ears?

• 41:34Speaker 01

  I don't know how you call them. I just think it's a vegetable, man.

• 41:37Lewis Howes?

  Vegetable. He wants to turn his ears into carrots and asparagus?

• 41:41Speaker 01

  I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna love you. It's your life. We're sharing it with each other. So anybody's allowed sometimes, well, you know, I wanna go on this trip with the guys. Go on the trip with the guys. If that's something you need. And I'm sure he's okay with me going on a trip with the girls. Like sometimes we get stuck in these little things because they make us feel unsafe. And so the more we feel unsafe, we wanna have these parameters to create safety, but in reality starts creating a cage.

• 42:15Lewis Howes?

  Again, one of my favorite people in the world, Martha, I'm so grateful for her. And if you haven't seen the full episode of that interview, we'll have it linked below where you can see me actually proposing to her on stage. It's on YouTube as well. You can check that out. And the big takeaway for me, I mentioned this before we started this moment, was acceptance and allowance. One of the things that, you know, Martha and I did early on is we went to couples therapy together as we started dating early on. And there wasn't any like problem or challenge really. We had minor things we had to address and discuss to get alignment on. But we did it not to fix anything, but to make sure we were setting up a strong foundation. And one of the key things that we

• 42:58Lewis Howes?

  talked about was acceptance and allowance. Before we got committed, I said, listen, I have one condition is that when we are exclusively committed, you fully accept who I am and I accept who you are. You've got specific things in your career and as an actress in your lifestyle that I get to choose to accept. And same for me. You've got to accept me and my lifestyle and my career choices and the things that I do as well. Now, we create boundaries, we create agreements and all these different things, but I accept who you are at your core, your personality, your flaws, your imperfections, and you accept those with me. Knowing that we are also committed to growing as individuals. We're committed to becoming better and not just staying where we're at for

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  the rest of our lives. So it's these agreements when there is acceptance and allowance as well. But finding a partner that can be in alignment with you on those things. Having those agreements and allowances and acceptance is a beautiful and powerful thing. And for our final moment of today, this is a extremely powerful guest that we've had on. Her name is Dr. Caroline Leaf and she talks about the fascinating world of neurophysiology and emotional dynamics. And Dr. Leaf reveals the science behind falling in love and staying in love. And from preparing your brain before resolving conflicts to cultivating self compassion.

• 44:23Lewis Howes?

  Dr. Caroline Leaf's insights will help you create a safe emotional space in your relationship, both emotionally and physically. And as you listen or watch this segment, think to yourself, how can, how can I really understand the brain's role in relationships to help us build stronger, more resilient bonds? So go ahead and take a look. If someone's in a broken relationship right now, maybe they've been arguing for years or fighting. They don't, you know, maybe they have good weeks and then there's a bad week. And it's this cycle of good and bad, up and down, and it just feels like it's draining or exhausting. What can they do to start healing the relationship, to start healing individually and the relationship to create harmony in the future?

• 45:09Lewis Howes?

  What are those steps?

• 45:10Speaker 04

  Okay, so first thing is if it's an abusive relationship, then obviously just get safe. It's parity, as we all know, but let's say that it's not an abusive, you're just getting some bad habits.

• 45:20Lewis Howes?

  Both of you are doing bad habits, both of you are trying to fix the other person, both of you are.

• 45:25Speaker 04

  But you're still together because there's love and there's a desire to be together. So that's the scenario, okay? So the first thing to do is to get into some good practices that will help calm your neurophysiology down. So I call that brain preparation.

• 45:38Lewis Howes?

  You're calming your nervous system or?

• 45:40Speaker 04

  Calming the entire neurophysiology. So that when your mind, you've got a calm, wise mind that's always active and always on your side. Then we have our messy mind that's in the relationship, it's in the moment, it's the in the moment messy mind.

• 45:53Lewis Howes?

  It's reactive.

• 45:54Speaker 04

  Reactive, learning, it's very normal, it's that experimental.

• 45:59Speaker 04

  And it sometimes goes really messy and other times it kind of gets it right and whatever. So you need a lot of guidance. And that's our wired full of nature is our wise mind. So the first thing is that when we're in that messy mind state, it's sending all this messy energy through the brain and it's triggering all kinds of, I mean,

• 46:16Lewis Howes?

  Toxic thoughts.

• 46:17Speaker 04

  Just think of an argument when you you start some stupid thing gets you going and then you end up arguing, what am I even arguing about?

• 46:22Lewis Howes?

  What's the point in the first place?

• 46:23Speaker 04

  Does that play? Well, why did I even bring that stupid thing up? We resolved that years ago, you know, why am I bringing that up now? You know, that's that's what will happen if we don't calm down on neurophysiology. So it's get your neurophysiology calm first. And you can do this with meditation, breathing, with exercise, gym workout with it, creating space that, okay, we're too both too hot now.

• 46:42Lewis Howes?

  In some fresh air, yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 04

  Get some fresh air, let's resolve this at a later, let's create mental, physical space. I mean, just there's so many ways of doing that. There's so many great sort of meditative breathing.

• 46:53Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 46:53Speaker 04

  Find something that works for you, it may not be the same thing. Um, Mac and I like to just create space and I like to do um a seven, a three ten breathe, a three seven breathing thing that gets my neurophysiology under control. So you breathe in for three and out for seven. So it's

• 47:10Speaker 04

  and if you do that seven times, you'll feel high. But it's great because you push so much oxygen to the front of your brain. And it's a very good way of calming down your neurophysiology. You can do that in, you know, in ten sec, I call it a ten second pause. You can do it for sixty to ninety seconds. So it's ten seconds that you do six to nine times.

• 47:27Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 47:27Speaker 04

  A great little formula for calming down neurophysiology.

• 47:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's great.

• 47:31Speaker 04

  That's that's a fail safe we always use. Really good fail safe. Like, we are a family run business, all of us are involved. It's very easy to argue with family. So when we all get hit up, which we do, because we're all very Italian, we do a ten second pause and we will go out the room, grab a cup of coffee and then come back and reconvene. Those are simple things that I know we know, but are we doing them?

• 47:51Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 47:52Speaker 04

  Or are you trying to push through? I've got to solve this now. I used to be like that at the beginning. You've got to fix this now. And so I had to learn to, hey, no, you don't have to fix it now.

• 48:02Lewis Howes?

  Take a pause and yeah.

• 48:03Speaker 04

  Okay, so that's the first thing.

• 48:04Lewis Howes?

  You can't, is it possible to fix something when you're in chaotic thoughts?

• 48:09Speaker 04

  You can, but it's more difficult and you, you have to, you know, it's just going to be confusing and, you know, messy and harder and not very sustainable. And it's just, it's not a very peaceful way of doing it.

• 48:19Lewis Howes?

  It's exhausting, yeah.

• 48:21Speaker 04

  I wouldn't do it that way. Then the next thing that's very practical is you can focus on good stuff. So it may just be good stuff about yourself. So you can, part of what I did work, part of Mind for Health, is not just detoxing stuff, it's also building healthy stuff. So I love talking to you. We have great conversations. Every time I talk to you, I have, and I think of, I always have great memories of our conversations. So if I want to get myself into a good state, I can think of, I can recall a good moment, like maybe a conversation with you. I love my research. We just published a paper and I mean, I look at those results and I get, I get like high, literally. So get yourself, so, and this is two silly examples, but they're very powerful. So if you've now calmed down your neurophysiology and you now go and focus on something that you know makes you feel great, that means you're pulling this up.

• 49:07Speaker 04

  When you pull this up, amazing things happen in your brain. You change all the delta theta, alpha, beta, gamma frequencies. You calm down. Think of the waves of the sea. You want, you know, they're build, they're deep and big and then they build on the beach, crash, make little waves, go back. We want that kind of energy going through our brain, which activates good neurochemical flow, the endocrine, all that stuff, immune system. So by the brain prep that I explained, the breathing, whatever, and then these, you have put yourself into a really good brain state, mind, brain, body state, not just brain state, but you've got a very good flow happening. Now you're still as irritated as hell, still would like to go and do something physical, like, you know, whatever. I'm just joking. But I mean, you might throw a plate at the wall or,

• 49:49Speaker 04

  you still, oh, I'm so mad about what, it's okay. It's okay to be messy. So third thing, tell yourself it's okay to be a mess. It's okay, I can be a mess. It's okay for us, it's normal. But how am I going to manage the mess? So give yourself permission to be the mess. Feel the mess, analyze the mess. I'm frustrated, what's my emotion? What's my body feeling? What's my perspective in this moment? What am I doing? So you go through, it's okay to be a mess and do a little mini neuro cycle. Go through, why am I feeling like this? Write a few things down. Do a recheck. Okay, this has happened, what can I do? Action, okay, I'm ready to talk. See what I've just done?

• 50:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 50:26Speaker 04

  So step one is brain prep. Step two is think of something good. This is activated on natural resilience. We have, we are not fragile, we are resilient. We are much more resilient than we realize. But if we take on the current zeitgeist that we break and it almost wrecked us for life, we're going to become fragile, which we're not. We're going to mask our natural resilience. We are pretty amazing as humans. Look at the stories of people surviving and getting through stuff. You know, and then we need to draw on that. We need to unmask our resilience. So these steps, the brain prep, focusing on something about yourself. And then you could also add up to this, not just focusing on your own good stuff. You could think of something great about your partner. You could think, you know, whatever, think of a great memory, which is a really good addition. And that people hear before, but you know, I'm sure you've heard that before.

• 51:10Speaker 04

  But it's doing this great stuff in your brain. Then do a neuro cycle on yourself. You can do this in three minutes, in 10 minutes, in an hour, whatever. Then reconvene and say, okay, now we're going to do this as a neuro cycle. I have a whole relationship podcast where I went to in detail of how to actually, what to say, guidelines of what to say at each step. And then we can talk about some of those.

• 51:32Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious, I love all this. And the thing that came up for me is, what happens if we want love? We want to be in a relationship, we want connection, we want intimacy, but we don't believe we're deserving of love? What will happen then?

• 51:47Speaker 04

  Such a great, great question. And it just reminds me, as you're talking, you're just prompting all these clinical experiences I've had. I'm a very successful, incredible person. And just could, one of those people that could get anything in their life, okay? And just wonderful in every single way, acute. And just could not keep a relationship going. We start off well and everything and at the end of the day, the core issue once this person had worked through was that they didn't deserve love and it came, unfortunately, a lot of it comes from childhood.

• 52:21Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 52:22Speaker 04

  And it's not everything because you can have a great childhood and really trust in love and then go into a really bad first marriage or first relationship.

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  How does that?

• 52:32Speaker 04

  And a person can break you and I can, I can give you an example of it.

• 52:34Lewis Howes?

  So it could be you could have a great, great childhood, great parents, great model of love.

• 52:39Speaker 04

  Total.

• 52:39Lewis Howes?

  But you get into a relationship, you fully trust and accept and love someone.

• 52:43Speaker 04

  Because that's what you've seen, you throw everything.

• 52:45Lewis Howes?

  And so you expect they're gonna do the same for you and then it doesn't go your way.

• 52:49Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 52:50Lewis Howes?

  And then you don't, and then that could potentially set you up to think, I'm not deserving of love?

• 52:54Speaker 04

  Yes, especially if it happens in your adolescent years. Twelve to eighteen is the most difficult part of the entire human life cycle. So, and that's where we are interested in forming our relationships. That's where romantic relationships are what we desire. Up until then, it's more friendship based. You know, it could be early ten, eleven, you can have little boyfriend, girlfriend things, but it's more just community, connection, deep friendship, something starting. But those years are, and, and you, you, at that age, your relationship with your friends and potential partners are more, are a lot more important, but are more important than your parenting.

• 53:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 53:31Speaker 04

  They, they supersede.

• 53:32Lewis Howes?

  In terms of relationship, yeah.

• 53:34Speaker 04

  The formation of who I am.

• 53:35Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 53:36Speaker 04

  So at that stage, that's, you know, so you can have this great foundation and then you.

• 53:41Lewis Howes?

  Amazing parents, no trauma.

• 53:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:43Lewis Howes?

  Fun all the time, peace, harmony and home.

• 53:45Speaker 04

  Sorted it out, did the real thing, just great parents. They had their own messed up lives, but took responsibility, said sorry, did all that stuff.

• 53:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 53:52Speaker 04

  And then you get into a relationship where someone who's broken is attracted to you and you're attracted to them and you swept off your feet either way and their brokenness is put onto you in your informative years and you get told you're not good enough.

• 54:06Lewis Howes?

  Oh, what happens when we believe that?

• 54:08Speaker 04

  What's wrong with you and, yeah, and, and at that stage where you are so like, you, you're forming yourself, you're, you're forming your choice, your identity in terms of others' relationships, me and the world, you know, in, in terms of that, that drive for love. So if you're told you're not. You're never gonna get a relationship.

• 54:26Lewis Howes?

  Or you get rejected, or you get dumped, or you get cheated on as a teen. How does that, how does, how does someone overcome that feeling of, I'm not deserving of love?

• 54:35Speaker 04

  So that is, is a, is a hard one. So to start, all of it's hard.

• 54:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 54:40Speaker 04

  But it's to find the source. So what you, what you, very often is as an adult, and it's very often in the twenties and thirties where you start doing this work. And it can happen, I'm not saying always, I'm not generalizing, but very often because that's when you kind of get through school and whatever you do and you get into the workspace and you start actually really forming deeper relationships. And then you start getting to the point where you're thinking, okay, well, why, our friends are getting married. You know, everyone around me is in relationships and I'm the only one who's not in a relationship. I can't seem to keep a relationship. What's wrong with me? That's when you start seeing those signals, patterns. That's when you need to sit down and do the work over sixty-three days and multiple cycles of sixty-three days.

• 55:20Speaker 04

  And then you could, you'll get to the point where you'll see, okay, what is the, the root why? It's either a childhood issue or an adolescent issue. Maybe it was you were the new kid in town and everyone laughed at you because you wore glasses and they just, you know, said you never, you know, you were mocked. So you were too scared to actually show that guy that, or that girl that you liked them. And you were too scared because you were so quiet, whatever. And that was the source of the, there's many reasons, you know. There was, I can tell the story of, of someone else who was one of four kids and it was the only girl, three boys. Kind of almost like seemingly perfect, I mean, there's never any perfect, whatever.

• 55:58Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 55:59Speaker 04

  It kind of got it more or less, okay. A bit of religious stuff going on there, but still. But the boys were very sporty and very, you know, and the father just, you know, like always that was totally sporty, it was like a big deal. But this was not a sporty little girl. But to get the father's recognition. This little girl had to be like one of the boys, or so she thought.

• 56:22Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 56:23Speaker 04

  And so purposefully, like, almost made herself America, with the hat on backwards and baggy clothes.

• 56:29Lewis Howes?

  Tomboy, yeah, yeah.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, tomboy. Didn't wanna feminise and that kind of stuff and didn't wanna, not that there's anything wrong with that, but her objective was not a healthy one. It was trying to fit in, to be accepted. And her perception, once we got to the root, was, well, I was never accepted, but never accepted by my, I thought that I had to be like a boy for my father to love me. And that was a huge thing. But what's so interesting, what really triggered that, this kid was about five or six, already doing this, already reading the room and thinking this was the answer. And they were sitting, and some stranger came up, they were sitting at some restaurant, and this kid was dressed up like one of the boys. And someone said, oh, what a cute little boy. And that broke it.

• 57:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow, she remembered that.

• 57:09Speaker 04

  Because it was confirmation that that was, that she's not good enough as a female, that even outside people are saying, oh, I accept you because you're a cute little boy.

• 57:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 57:20Speaker 04

  So that led to years of self-abuse, self-hurt, sexual promiscuity.

• 57:26Lewis Howes?

  Isn't it crazy that one?

• 57:27Speaker 04

  Broken marriages.

• 57:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Isn't it crazy that one thing we hear from a friend, a sibling,

• 57:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:33Lewis Howes?

  a parent, an outsider, a schoolmate, a teacher, it could stick with us for decades, forever.

• 57:40Speaker 04

  Forever. Now, imagine, Lucy, if that person could have, and this is what triggered me to write the current book that I have on children, with all these stories that I can tell, that person, I remember saying to me, if only I had known how to say to my parents, am I only loved if I'm a boy? I feel sad because you don't seem to love me unless I'm like a boy.

• 58:03Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 58:03Speaker 04

  Or that that man made me sad because that man made me say, I've got to be a boy. Or, Eddie, do you love me even though I'm a girl? That child didn't know how to say that, didn't have the language, didn't have the tools. So what I'm trying to create, and we know that the mental health situation is is for a multitude of reasons, we know the individual, society, social media, AI. I mean, there's our generations facing our problems. Every generation faces their issues. Every generation thinks what we're worse than the previous. Well, no, we're not. We're just facing our unique problems. What we need in this generation with our kids so that they have decent relationships is, and it starts with having a decent relationship with themselves, is we have to have a way of them being able to process and express their feelings.

• 58:46Speaker 04

  So that five-year-old needs to be able to say, hey, I feel sad, or have a point of contact, something. So you can teach a child as young as two how to do this first. My youngest patients in my practice were two and three years of age, and you can teach them how to identify their signals, detox, and to make it really easy, that's what I've done in the latest book, this one, How to Help a Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess. But we created this character, I actually created this character 25 years ago. I had a Disney artist create this character, and we had it all updated. So the book, if you flip through, you'll see there's multiple images of Brainy. This is a character we've created called Brainy.

• 59:22Lewis Howes?

  Uh-huh.

• 59:22Speaker 04

  When Brainy goes through all these different scenarios, and it's how you understand how you can teach a child as young as two that these trees in the brain and how you could change your brain, and how to express and identify your signals. All these hard things that we battle with as adults, you can teach children very basically as a child. So we created a toy. So for example, let's say you have a two-year-old who is sitting at, let's say, let's take a five or six-year-old, and they're at school, daycare, whatever. I mean, kindergarten, and someone constantly comes up and knocks their toy tower over that they're building, and then next day, pull the heel of the playground. And there's a series of teasing going on.

• 1:00:00Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:01Speaker 04

  And that child most likely has, and I'm talking of another clinical case, has been abused at home by a terrible, terrible physical abuse, but it's taking it out on the most vulnerable person in the playground. Then that child comes home and takes it out on the most vulnerable person in the family, which is the younger brother, who's maybe two or three years of age. And so now we see a perfect home environment with all the love and dealing with all the issues and stuff. But this child's now starting to bully the younger child, and quite badly, so that there's this terrible sibling rivalry.

• 1:00:30Lewis Howes?

  Where does built bullying come from? Like, why do most people start to bully other kids?

• 1:00:35Speaker 04

  It's a coping mechanism from abuse.

• 1:00:38Lewis Howes?

  Really? Could be verbal, or emotional, or sexual, or physical abuse?

• 1:00:42Speaker 04

  Yes. So it's coming from any level of eight, nine, 10, Thomas. If you think of a scale of one to 10, eight, nine, 10 would be your extreme, Thomas. And persistent bullying that's breaking a person down would fall under that category. Any kind of abuse would fall under that sort of category. So when bullying is one behavior in amongst those four signals I keep talking about, that is energy that's built up, that's self-hatred. And self-hatred, therefore, is now blasting out. And they're repeating a pattern. So bully has been bullied. And so it's a persistent pattern that goes through generations.

• 1:01:14Lewis Howes?

  They don't know how to process their emotions in a healthy way. So this is how they get it out?

• 1:01:18Speaker 04

  Exactly. That's how they're getting it out.

• 1:01:21Lewis Howes?

  So when bully has been abused in some way?

• 1:01:23Speaker 04

  Yes. And they've been bullied, or have been bullied, or are being bullied. And so they're just taking it out. So you can't treat the bully by punishing the bully. You've got to actually help resolve why the bully's doing the bullying in the first place. And so you'd start with a child in your home that's bullying the little brother and find out, okay, well, let's now, and this is key. You need to make a person feel validated. Because you need to say to that child, whether or an adult, this is not who you are. These behaviors that I'm seeing that are impacting us, the rest of the family, yourself, your friends, whatever. This is not who you are. I know that, because I know you are. I know who you are. I love you. So in other words, you divorce the behavior from the person. And that's really critical to create that safe space.

• 1:02:07Speaker 04

  So I'm going to help you work through this. This is no judgment, but let's talk about this. Let's talk about, you can't hurt your brother or your sister, whatever. But at the same time, I recognize that this is not who you are. So you're doing this for a reason. So you've got to stop hurting. And we're going to put boundaries in place for that. But I'm also going to help you understand what's going on. And you're going to help me understand. And then you take them through a process of a neurocycle. You have a contact point. So I've created things like toys, coloring books, that character. That if a child is not able to verbalize, which they're not until they're... They're old enough to have the language and even then they don't have the words often. But if you have a key contact point or a point in your house, where you know, like you have a sitting room and you watch TV and that's your place of relaxation.

• 1:02:51Speaker 04

  You need a mind management place in your home. You've got a gym, you've got a whatever. You need a mind management centre in your home, which could be a beautiful little couch that you were a little beanbag and makes you pretty proud. Something that you as a family create and choose and everyone adults say. Whenever you go there, there's no judgment, there's only safety. And if someone's sitting there, that's they need they're needing support to creating that environment. And then having like a toy like this. A young child, it's often easier to say, oh, Shane Brainy was bullied today and he's so sad. And you know, so they I see that Brainy's angry. And so you you transfer that over to the toy. Then the child can enact and carry it out and show you what's happening.

• 1:03:32Speaker 04

  And then it divorces it from them directly and it enables them to try and enact that without feeling threatened or scared or externalizing. And you can also model for yourself, oh, mommy feels sad today and this happened. So you model and you actually walk through the five steps without saying them, but you do that and you model. So that allows them to have the space. Oh, mommy also sometimes gets mad or dad also sometimes gets mad or uncle also. But you're in that space. Now, that idea of creating a mind management space or a neuro cycle space, whatever you want, or a brainy space, whatever you want to call it. And I've got these examples in the book. Came from a study done in Zimbabwe years ago where I was actually born. It was called bench therapy and it was a granny on a bench in a tribe in a country that has no money for current modern mental health

• 1:04:17Speaker 04

  and actually has better mental health than any westernized country because our current model doesn't make things better, it actually makes things worse. And the science is there to prove that. And all that this granny did, Lewis, was sit on a bench, create a safe space for people to listen.

• 1:04:29Lewis Howes?

  I love all the stuff that Dr. Caroline Leep just shared on our shows before. We've had her on many times and they've gotten millions of views and plays. So make sure to check those out as well as we dive deeper on those topics. But one of the things that she talked about that I loved here was creating a safe spaces. First off, within yourself, how can you create a mind management or neurophysiological space within yourself and in your physical home or environment? Where anyone can express themselves.

• 1:05:02Lewis Howes?

  Freely with their emotions. This could be you going to a specific room. This could be you taking a moment and really getting quiet with yourself and allowing yourself to process internally within your mind. It's important for us as humans to have that space to not suppress our emotions and our feelings. It's also important to express those things in a conscious, healthy way. Not attacking your partner and screaming at them or making them wrong. But allowing yourself to process first, creating a safe environment where there is no retaliation from another, then coming, letting some of that out and communicating consciously how you're feeling about something, what works for you, what doesn't work for you, what agreements you need to create, et cetera. Again, this was a powerful moment for me.

• 1:05:46Lewis Howes?

  Share in the comments below what you enjoyed most from Dr. Caroline Leaf or your biggest takeaway from all these different relationship experts who shared valuable insights in the pursuit of lasting love. Again, it's important to remember that relationships do take time, they take effort and they take attention. I thought if you just have a feeling with someone, if you just like someone, then you guys can make it work. But like we talked about in the beginning, love is not enough. It's not all you need. You've got to be constantly thinking about how can I show up for myself? How can I love myself first? How can I make sure I'm in a healing journey and creating wholeness within myself first?

• 1:06:30Lewis Howes?

  So that I can attract from a healthier space. And then I can respond, not react from a better position. Because if we feel wounded, if we feel like we're broken, if we feel like we're not deserving of love, if we feel like we're always choosing the wrong partners and getting taken advantage of or cheated on or hurt by them or lied to or manipulated, then we're never going to believe in love. We're never going to believe that we are deserving and capable of love because of these poor experiences in our past. So when we take back control of how we view and love ourselves, when we take back the

• 1:07:11Lewis Howes?

  intimacy with self first, then we can learn to communicate and respond in a conscious way with another. And create a loving environment with them. It doesn't mean everything's going to be perfect and roses and fairy land every single day. But when you have safety within you, you can create safety within another, or you can speak up when you know you're not safe to create those boundaries. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Again, let me know your biggest takeaway below. I'm so excited for you on your loving relationship journey. Make sure to subscribe to this channel to get more incredible content on love, life, mindset as well. Thanks again.

• 1:07:54Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

• 1:08:38Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.