The Key Steps To Overcome Criticism, Heal Your Pain & Grow A Successful Business w/ Kristin Cavallari EP 1286

Kristin Cavallari is an American television personality, lifestyle entrepreneur and New York Times Bestselling author. She first rose to fame in 2004, as a cast member on the popular MTV reality television series, Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, followed by a starring role on MTV’s hit series, The Hills, and later sold her own reality series to E!, Very Cavallari, where she served as Executive Producer. Now a dedicated mother-of-three and respected wellness authority (which led to three New York Times Bestselling books), Kristin is the Founder & CEO of wildly successful lifestyle brand Uncommon James, which spans jewelry, accessories, home goods, children’s apparel and clean skincare and generates over $30 million in revenue annually, with over 100 employees and three brick-and-mortar locations (Nashville, Chicago, Dallas). In this episode, you will learn:How to embrace suffering rather than run away from itHow to approach Social Media in a healthy wayThe importance of healing after a breakupThe keys to success when starting your own businessFor more, go to: lewishowes.com/1286How to Change Your Limiting Thoughts & Beliefs Around Success w/Lilly Singh: https://link.chtbl.com/1250-podMel Robbins: The “Secret” Mindset Habit to Building Confidence and Overcoming Scarcity: https://link.chtbl.com/970-podDr. Joe Dispenza on Healing the Body and Transforming the Mind: https://link.chtbl.com/826-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  I have three really small children. I was filming Very Cavallari, which was a reality show on E. I was working on a cookbook. I was hosting a lot for E.

• 0:07Lewis Howes?

  Running your business.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, and my marriage was falling apart. That was the most stressful time in my life and

• 0:12Lewis Howes?

  How did you navigate that?

• 0:13Speaker 00

  I just

• 0:15Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:39Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest Kristin Cavallari in the house. I'm so excited that you're here. You've had an interesting life and career. A lot of people watched you as kind of like this villain on TV when you were a teenager, whether that was actual real, or if that was half-produced, or who knows. And then people have really come to love you in a different way and see you as a mom and as a, you know, an adult.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05Lewis Howes?

  Grow in your life and also become this powerhouse, you know, female entrepreneur. But recently, you've gone through different transitions and changes. And I'm curious, what's been the biggest transition internally that you've had to face?

• 1:19Speaker 00

  I have gotten to a place where now where I'm at in my life, I just want to be present. You know, I'm here to experience everything life has to offer. And I feel like before in my life, if I was hurt or sad or whatever, I wanted to ignore it, push it aside. Where now, I feel like if you can lean into that, there's actually a lot of growth that can happen. I think everything we go through, there's a learning lesson to be had. And so I'm just trying to sit in everything rather than get from point A to point B. My whole life, I've always wanted to be older. So when I was 12, I wanted to be 16. When I was 16, I wanted to be 18, and so on and so forth. And now I'm 35. I have three kids

• 2:01Speaker 00

  that are growing up right before my eyes, and I want everything to slow down. And what I've also realized going through a divorce and everything that I've gone through is that at the end of the day, everything works out. So even in our most challenging times, when we think the world's falling apart, we're always going to be this sad, everything is going to always be horrible. We get through it and we make it out on the other side and then we look back and we realize why everything happened. As we get older, life starts to make sense. To me, life has been building blocks and everything we go through is to get us ready for whatever we're gonna experience later on in life. And so, in that sense, life is really exciting to me now and I'm just, I'm ready for everything that's coming my way.

• 2:44Lewis Howes?

  And what would you say was the biggest challenge since the world got to know about you? Were you what, 16, 17?

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Seventeen, yeah.

• 2:50Lewis Howes?

  On a big show, MTV is where it was originally, right? So you're on a big show and you're in high school, which no one even knows who they are in high school, right? You're just trying to figure out how to manage like your little friend circle, let alone manage the world's opinions of you, right? Being on the show. What would you say was the biggest challenge since 16 to now that you've had to face? Was it being on TV at a young age? Was it having your own reality show later? Was it being in the public eye and being married? Was it launching a business that had challenges and ups and downs? What's been the biggest challenge you faced?

• 3:24Speaker 00

  The thing that's probably been the toughest for me overall has been people judging my life based on what they think is accurate when it's really not. I mean, I don't care who you are, there's no way the press, the media, Instagram, anything can capture who you are. There's just no way. We have so many sides to our personality and especially nowadays with media and press, everything is about clickbait.

• 3:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  And it's shocking to me how they can take one little thing and turn it into this whole story. And even though I've been doing this for 18 years or whatever it's been.

• 3:56Lewis Howes?

  It still gets you sometimes?

• 3:57Speaker 00

  It still gets to me because I have an issue with people judging me on things that aren't true or they're, or speaking as though they know what they're talking about when they have no idea what they're talking about. And I think probably for me, I've never been someone to shy away from a challenge, I actually love a challenge, or you know, someone telling me no, it makes me wanna push harder. So like all of those things, launching my own business, that's all been easy in a sense because I love all of that. But it's when I have no control over something like the press or people's opinions that that will then irk me.

• 4:30Lewis Howes?

  A lot of people want to have a bigger following. They want to be more influential. They want to have an audience. A lot of people who are on social media are looking to grow it. No one's saying, I wish I had less followers.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Unless they're private.

• 4:43Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. But I'd say a lot of people have this desire to grow, to have a bigger audience. Or they have a business, they know they need to build an audience around that. And with a growing audience comes criticism.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:56Lewis Howes?

  And you had criticism at a young age. And I think people don't understand how challenging it can be to manage the unfair opinions of other people. Or the made up stories about your character that aren't true and managing that.

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:12Lewis Howes?

  So how do you manage the criticism that, maybe it is justified or it's not.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:19Lewis Howes?

  How do you just manage all of it so that it doesn't hold you back from believing in yourself? From your confidence on a day to day with yourself, with your kids, with your life, with your business? How do you continue to believe in yourself with others critiquing you?

• 5:34Speaker 00

  Because I started dealing with it at seventeen, eighteen. I think really quickly what I realized was, no matter what you do, you can't please everybody. And that was a great lesson for me. Because if I can't win in that regard, then I'm gonna live my life for me. And I'm gonna do what makes me happy. Because no matter what, I'm gonna piss somebody off. So that was a good lesson to learn at an early age.

• 5:54Lewis Howes?

  When did you actually start living that way, though? Because...

• 5:57Speaker 00

  I mean, probably in my early twenties, I would say. Because I was getting judged quite a bit. My life at that point in time, I was on the cover of all the tabloids. I had paparazzi on me every day. That was a very different me than sits in front of you today. That's like a whole other lifetime ago for me. And then I remember, you know, that's before social media. But I would go on the chat rooms and I would read what people were saying in the chat rooms. And that crushed me those first few times when I was still living at home in high school, reading what people were saying about me. And so now, fast forward to now, I typically don't read my comments on social media. I try not to read the comments at all. And that I've found a lot of peace in.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  Because again, another thing I've learned is people's opinions of me actually don't really have anything to do with me. And that's just anybody in general. If you, you know, for example, I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, I'd say I've a good sense of who I am, I'm pretty confident, you know. What you're doing with your life, it doesn't affect me, so I don't care what you're doing.

• 6:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  I'm not sitting here trying to tear people down because I'm happy in my life. So what I've realized is that people who are constantly trying to tear people down or judging them, that speaks highly of them and not so much about me.

• 7:11Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:12Speaker 00

  And I will say, the one good thing about social media and being in the press, now that I have kids, I'm able to have that conversation with my kids. I'm looking at this stuff as an opportunity to have-

• 7:23Lewis Howes?

  A teaching moment.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly. Where if I wasn't, you know, in the press, I would never be having these conversations with my kids until they were probably older on social media, dealing with some of that stuff, where now, I'm like laying little nuggets in their head, you know, I'm just like getting the foundation, having real conversations with them about people in general, you know, the only time people will tear you down is when they're insecure and dealing with their own issues, those kinds of conversations. So I'm trying to just look at the positive in all of it, and I do think that is a very good thing.

• 7:52Lewis Howes?

  And if you could go back 20 years ago, right before you were, not to date, not to say your age-

• 7:57Speaker 00

  You keep trying to age me. I'm 35.

• 8:00Lewis Howes?

  Well, you're always trying to get older.

• 8:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, but now I'm finally trying to slow down.

• 8:04Lewis Howes?

  But if you could go back 20 years ago, right before you were gonna be, you know, on one of the biggest shows at the time-

• 8:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:12Lewis Howes?

  And you could give yourself three pieces of advice on how to manage your emotions, how to manage friends, family, how to manage fame, or any tools that you wish you could learn before that, what three things would you say to yourself to learn or manage?

• 8:28Speaker 00

  I love that question. To talk about it more?

• 8:31Lewis Howes?

  Talk about what?

• 8:31Speaker 00

  What I was feeling and thinking.

• 8:33Lewis Howes?

  Talk about your feelings.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, talk about your feelings. I was not good at that until, honestly, probably the last few years.

• 8:39Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 8:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I was always terrified of being vulnerable.

• 8:43Lewis Howes?

  Why?

• 8:43Speaker 00

  Um, because to me, I thought it was weakness and now I realize it's strength. But it scared the shit out of me, quite honestly. And so, so that's number one. Number two is just to, to take it all in and, and just live in the moment a little bit more. Kind of goes again with what I was saying earlier, but everything, just now that I'm a little bit older, you don't realize that you're living the best years of your life when you're in them, or some of the best years of your life. And just to enjoy it a little bit more, just to take it all in. And then the third is, well, so I'm actually doing a Laguna Beach rewatch podcast right now and I've gone back and watched it. And some of the stuff that came out of my mouth is just like, so I probably would say, you know, reel it in a little bit more.

• 9:28Speaker 00

  It's interesting because on the show, everyone looked at me as the confident girl and people couldn't believe I was so confident for my age. When I watch it back now, I don't see someone who's confident at all. I actually see someone who's extremely insecure. So it's kind of funny that that's what people saw because I was the one always trying to tear other people down or talking shit or whatever it was. And that's an insecurity. That's not being confident.

• 9:49Lewis Howes?

  That's the people critiquing you now.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, so it's interesting. So I think it, I just would have probably given myself a little bit more self-love back then.

• 9:58Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was a mess.

• 10:00Lewis Howes?

  When did you learn how to love yourself fully?

• 10:02Speaker 00

  I didn't learn how to love myself fully until probably the last like three years or so.

• 10:08Lewis Howes?

  What was the, the moment that allowed you to start that process?

• 10:13Speaker 00

  When you have kids, or at least when I had kids, realizing that everything I do is going to make an impact on them and I wanted them to see, I wanted them to see that I'm making good decisions for myself and also for them. And putting myself first became a priority for them. I mean, my kids have inspired me to be the best version of myself.

• 10:36Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 10:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, and...

• 10:37Lewis Howes?

  You don't feel guilty putting yourself first and then being there for your kids?

• 10:42Speaker 00

  I don't because I can only be as good to my kids as I am to myself. If, if I'm empty, I have nothing to give them. So being able to be energized and love myself so that I can really love on my kids and support them and encourage them, that's the most important thing. And so that was where it came from. And being in a relationship where I was really unhappy... That wasn't gonna work for me. And I had, I knew in my gut for a long time, but I just had to, I had to do it. And that was the scariest thing that I've ever done is, is get a divorce. But it's been the best thing that I've ever done.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  And that has really jump started my, my journey on self-love and figuring out who I am now.

• 11:29Lewis Howes?

  What have been the things you've done since then? What practices? Is that therapy? Is that sound healing? Is that just being in nature? Is that spending time with friends? What are those practices that have supported you in your self-love growth?

• 11:42Speaker 00

  It's interesting because I've been in therapy pretty much my whole life. But this is the one time I didn't go to therapy. I didn't go to therapy during my divorce, but what I did was I wrote a lot. And writing for me is a way for me to get my emotions in check, really figure out what I'm going through and just to have a, a level, just, will just be a clearer. Also, my friends, I have a couple incredible friends who have really been with me every step of the way. Couldn't have done it without them, honestly. Friends, I think, are sometimes the best therapists on the planet. And yeah, having time to myself and being in nature. I moved into a new house. I'm on 28 acres. I'm outside all the time and just breathing, meditating, all of these things.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Just taking care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and taking time too, to just, you know, I, I think for me, it's really important to, anytime, and I've always been like this. Anytime you leave a relationship, to reflect on it, to learn from it. And then when you can close that chapter, then you can date and move on. Never understood how people go from one to the next. I'm like, how is there any growth there? So that's been really important to me. And there was, obviously, you know, it was a divorce. It wasn't just a breakup. We have three kids together. I really wanted to make sure that I was taking the time, really feeling everything that I needed to feel before I was able to really move on.

• 13:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and you were afraid to feel things before in your past, right?

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:08Lewis Howes?

  You never really faced it because you thought it was a weakness, you said.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:12Lewis Howes?

  What has feeling the full range of emotions done for you now?

• 13:16Speaker 00

  It's gotten me to a really peaceful place, I would say. I And I'm not just saying this, but I feel the best I've ever felt in my whole life. The happiest I've ever been, and that feels really good. And I'm no longer afraid of getting hurt. Or I've sort of gotten to a place where if things don't work out, I'm OK with that. Because I know something better is coming down the line. I'm a very spiritual person. I'm a very, everything happens for a reason kind of thing. I'm more just kind of go with the flow now. Where before I was always trying to control everything.

• 13:54Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, and so now I'm just kind of taking a step back.

• 13:58Lewis Howes?

  Where did the sense of control come from? Was there an insecurity or a fear or a doubt? Or what was the?

• 14:03Speaker 00

  And I don't know exactly where it came from. But I think control, in a general sense, is a fear. A fear of what for me personally? I don't really know. Maybe, well, I've always been afraid of getting my heart broken.

• 14:19Lewis Howes?

  Why?

• 14:20Speaker 00

  Probably because of my relationship with my dad. And so I would want to break your heart before you were able to break my heart.

• 14:29Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, and so.

• 14:30Lewis Howes?

  One of those girls.

• 14:31Speaker 00

  I was that girl.

• 14:34Lewis Howes?

  So just when things were getting good, let's push the guy away and see later.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. So I've worked through that. And I actually am excited to see who I can be in a new relationship. Because I feel like I've done so much work the last few years that. And I'm in no rush to be in a new relationship. But when I am, it will excite me to see how different I can be.

• 14:55Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, I look forward to that.

• 14:58Lewis Howes?

  Do you feel like you were able to heal a lot of things from your past? Whether it be previous, you know, relationships growing up? Or with your father, the relationship internally or with that?

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:08Lewis Howes?

  It's a process?

• 15:09Speaker 00

  I've done a lot of work on being in a relationship with a narcissist. And that has been. Heavy. That's been heavy, but really important. And I'm really happy that I've worked through it. And to be honest, I don't know, when you're dealing with stuff like that, if it's with a parent or whoever. Like in my day to day, I'm fine, right? Like you can, I can be like, yes, I'm totally fine. I've worked through it, but it's always still there. You know, it's like one of those things where as much work as you can do on something like that, I don't know that you're ever like fully healed from it.

• 15:44Lewis Howes?

  It's a journey.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  It's a journey and acceptance is huge. And I have accepted everything in my life, every situation in my life. But the dad-daughter relationship is an interesting one for sure. And it's one that I've never.

• 15:56Lewis Howes?

  You haven't fully healed yet?

• 15:57Speaker 00

  I mean, I, I feel like I have, but then it, but it is still kind of just always one be in the back of my head.

• 16:03Lewis Howes?

  There's so much of your childhood memories that it's, it's hard to process all of it and be like, oh, everything's perfect. But it's, you know, even if we have good moments with our parents and some bad moments, it's, it's hard to like heal all those challenging moments in that process. So.

• 16:18Speaker 00

  And I think for me, like the most important thing for me is accountability. Cause I mean, my mom, for example.

• 16:24Lewis Howes?

  But if someone else isn't accountable, that's hard.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  All I need is an apology. It's literally all I need, but it's really hard for people.

• 16:31Lewis Howes?

  We may never get that in certain relationships in life.

• 16:33Speaker 00

  Exactly. But that's why I like, cause my mom, my mom is my best friend now, but growing up we had a lot of issues. But she's taken responsibility and she's owned up to her stuff. And that's allowed us to then have an incredible relationship now. I mean, she truly is my best friend. But sometimes that's all people need is a sorry, but it's, that's one of the hardest things I think for people.

• 16:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. You weren't able to do that with your, your dad fully yet, or is it still in the process?

• 16:57Speaker 00

  We're in the process.

• 16:58Lewis Howes?

  You're in the process. Curious about the, the challenge that I think a lot of moms face.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:05Lewis Howes?

  With always giving to their kids first before they give to themselves. And I'm not, I'm not sure if that's what you did or you maybe are half and half. But why do you feel like mothers feel like they should neglect self for their kid over everything? And what does that do for moms from, from your personal standpoint and maybe the mom friends that you have? Who don't take care of themselves first. Or at least make themselves a priority in the process.

• 17:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, I think just logistically, when you have little kids, it's hard to make yourself a priority because there's no time. Or there's no resources or whatever it is. But unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, most of it does fall on the moms. Just because when the kids are little, the kids primarily want the moms too, you know? And moms are very good at balancing a million things and doing, you know, a thousand things at once. And so you'll get burnt out if you continue down that path. I mean, there is light at the end of the tunnel in the sense that like my daughter, who's my baby, she was in kindergarten this past year. And I remember dropping her off and being like, oh my God, now what? Like, I made it, you know, like all my kids are in school now. You have full days again, you know?

• 18:16Speaker 00

  So it's a moment in time, but it is challenging. And I wasn't able to now have that balance until I got a divorce. And I'm not recommending getting a divorce. But that's offered me this perfect balance, I will say. And before that, there was a couple of year period where I had three really small children. I was filming Very Cavalry, which was a reality show on E. I was working on a cookbook. I was hosting a lot for E.

• 18:41Lewis Howes?

  Running your business.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Uncommon James, I had my business. And my marriage was falling apart. And that was really, really challenging. That was the most stressful time in my life and...

• 18:54Lewis Howes?

  How did you navigate that?

• 18:56Speaker 00

  I just, I don't know. I mean, it was, I essentially had, it was my reality show came first and my company and my kids. You know, and everything else was like a second thought. Which, that's not why my marriage fell apart. Because I think that would be really easy for people to say that. I think what I was doing was I was throwing myself in all of these things to avoid my marriage. Yeah, yeah.

• 19:18Lewis Howes?

  So you were saying yes to things that maybe you wouldn't have.

• 19:22Speaker 00

  I was maxing out to, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:27Lewis Howes?

  What happens when we avoid challenges?

• 19:30Speaker 00

  I mean, it just gets worse, you know? Yeah, yeah.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  So, but, but in those moments, you know, if, if you're a working mom and it's very hard to find that time for yourself. I mean, it just is.

• 19:45Lewis Howes?

  I hundred percent agree.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  And so I wish I had some great advice, but I, I really, I don't. I don't know what, what to do. Even if it's get a friend, you know, to come and watch your kids so you can even lock yourself in your bathroom and take a bath.

• 19:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I mean, I think, I mean, listen, I don't have any experience in this. So this is an outside perspective without having kids, uh, speaking on this topic. But I feel like just in general, I see a lot of women trying to do it all on their own as opposed to, like you said, have your friends come over or, or do it with other moms, activities, family as much as possible. But for some reason, it seems like, maybe it's just in our culture that in general, I see the moms wanting to feel like they're doing it independently. Like they're doing it alone.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:26Lewis Howes?

  I just feel like that seems like a lot of pressure, like just bring some friends over sometimes and, you know.

• 20:30Speaker 00

  I think a lot of people don't want to ask for help though either. I'm not good at that.

• 20:34Lewis Howes?

  You're personally not good at that?

• 20:35Speaker 00

  I haven't been, and that's something I'm trying to get better at too, is being, it's okay to ask for help and leaning on people.

• 20:40Lewis Howes?

  What's up with this theme of this vulnerability and weakness?

• 20:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. Well, when I was little, I had to do everything myself. And I learned very quickly that if I wanted something, I just had to make it happen myself.

• 20:53Lewis Howes?

  Why is that? Your parents weren't supporting or you didn't have?

• 20:56Speaker 00

  My parents weren't really around, to be honest. So I, my parents got a divorce when I was in third grade and, um, no, I mean, it was essentially my brother and I, my, my dad moved to California. My mom was working. We were alone quite a bit. And then I moved to Chicago with my mom when she got remarried. And listen, I love my mom, but she was in a new marriage. She was very wrapped up in that. I was very much alone, started getting into a lot of trouble, moved to Laguna Beach, California. My dad and I did not have a great relationship and, um, I never honestly wanted to be home. And so again, it kept getting in trouble. And so I was just kind of on my own and, but you know, the good thing is. I, in high school, when I was fifteen, I went out and got a job because I wanted to,

• 21:40Speaker 00

  not because I needed to. And I remember my dad being like, you know, you don't have to get a job. But for me, that meant freedom and independence. I never wanted to rely on anyone for money or for anything. And I'm thankful for that now, you know, and that's what I mean. It's like these things that we go through when we're younger or whatever. It's, it's setting us up for what we need in life. And now that I'm older, I can take a step back and I can work on all of the things. You know, I was so focused growing up and like, this is what I want to do. And, you know, I'm so tough and I'm not going to rely on anybody. Not realizing that was a trauma in a lot of ways.

• 22:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  Um, where now I can work through it, you know, so it's all good. But, but yeah, it's just interesting how life plays out. And I do feel like everything we go through is, is building blocks.

• 22:21Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. And I think it's only hurting yourself at the end of the day when you're not reaching out for support. And you're trying to do it all your own.

• 22:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, super mom.

• 22:27Lewis Howes?

  It's gotta feel like a super weight though, right?

• 22:29Speaker 00

  It's heavy for sure. Yeah, yeah.

• 22:31Lewis Howes?

  And now you feel a lot lighter.

• 22:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:32Lewis Howes?

  And also running a business with, how many employees did you have?

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Well, with our retail stores, we have over a hundred.

• 22:38Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 22:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, it's been incredible. Thanks. We just had our five year anniversary. It's pretty, thanks.

• 22:45Lewis Howes?

  All right, all right. Five years.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's been, it's been amazing. I'm so thankful for it too. And honestly, I think Uncommon James is really what gave me the confidence to, to leave. My kids and, and my company, um, gave me the confidence to get a divorce, yeah.

• 23:01Lewis Howes?

  So five years in the making, you didn't have any investors, outside investors, is that right?

• 23:05Speaker 00

  No, I'm a hundred percent owner.

• 23:07Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent owner. And I think I read online, and we can edit this out if this is not true, but it's, it's doing about thirty million dollars a year in revenue now. Which is pretty inspiring to do, to come from, I mean, you never had a jewelry business before, did you?

• 23:18Speaker 00

  No. No, well, I did have a, a line with a girlfriend, but no, I mean, it was a joke essentially.

• 23:24Lewis Howes?

  So what, what was the vision when you created it? And what would you say were the talents that you had to go into launching something from scratch without money coming in? And believe in yourself to make this thing bigger than just an idea?

• 23:38Speaker 00

  So I had a shoe line with Chinese Laundry for about five years, which I loved. That was such an enjoyable experience for me. But at the end of the day, I was still answering to a team of people.

• 23:47Lewis Howes?

  You weren't, you weren't.

• 23:48Speaker 00

  It wasn't mine. I learned a lot though. And sometimes I think it's almost more valuable to learn what not to do than it is what to do.

• 23:55Lewis Howes?

  What did you learn not to do?

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Well, okay, another. I had another jewelry line with a girlfriend and what I learned through that was A, never work with a friend, but B, we came at it from very different perspectives. I wanted to grow the company and I wasn't looking to make a quick buck. Where she needed money right then and so we just, it just didn't work.

• 24:15Lewis Howes?

  The vision was not aligned.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  The vision wasn't aligned.

• 24:17Lewis Howes?

  The values were off.

• 24:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, but what I learned with my shoe line was that I really know my customer. I really know my girl, which was, that gave me confidence. I love accessories, you know, and so I had a shoe line, couldn't do shoes. So I felt like jewelry was the next natural step. And because I had so much fire in me to prove to everybody, like I know what I'm doing. Watch me take this thing. I was ready to go, so I found someone to manufacture the jewelry and someone to create my website. And from there, it was like, boom, let's go. I had no business plan. I, the thing with me is I'm very-

• 24:51Lewis Howes?

  Let's launch and see what happens.

• 24:52Speaker 00

  Exactly, which, you know, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I've always been like that. I run off of my gut instincts. I don't overthink things. I am super decisive and I just go. And so I launched, I think from the time I decided to do it to when I launched, it was like four months.

• 25:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow, so you designed, you manufactured, you sold and shipped within four months?

• 25:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:14Lewis Howes?

  Holy cow, and were you designing everything from the beginning yourself? Or did you have other support designing?

• 25:18Speaker 00

  No, it was just me, yeah.

• 25:19Lewis Howes?

  And how many items did you have when you started?

• 25:21Speaker 00

  I think I had like eight or nine, so not many.

• 25:23Lewis Howes?

  It's like one small collection, would that be a collection?

• 25:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly, yeah, one small collection.

• 25:27Lewis Howes?

  Okay, and so you're like, I'm gonna launch this to my social media following, I'm gonna do all the press that I know I can get on and just see what we can do with this.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 25:36Lewis Howes?

  And what happened in the first couple of months of launching?

• 25:39Speaker 00

  We crushed it. I mean, it was, yeah, it was, and it was such a great feeling because right out of the gate, I was like, okay, I'm on to something and I do know what I'm talking about. And so because it was so successful immediately, that gave me the confidence too and to keep pushing and keep pushing. And it was, it was crazy because I mean, I launched it in a room in my house. It was a hobby at the time, you know? And I knew, I never thought I'd go back to reality TV. But I said I wanted to for Uncommon James.

• 26:04Lewis Howes?

  To promote the journey.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  Reason why.

• 26:06Lewis Howes?

  To show the whole journey. You could document everything.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Well, you can't buy that kind of exposure.

• 26:10Lewis Howes?

  Built-in media, yes.

• 26:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly, so.

• 26:12Lewis Howes?

  So did you pitch to, what was that?

• 26:15Speaker 00

  So it was on E.

• 26:16Lewis Howes?

  E, did you pitch to them and say, hey?

• 26:18Speaker 00

  So I met with a production company and we then went and pitched it to E. And actually, at the time, I wasn't supposed to be on it as much. It was gonna be more about my employees and the, the store and all of that. And then E eventually, you know, they said they would only do it if I was on it more.

• 26:32Lewis Howes?

  Kinda like what, uh?

• 26:33Speaker 00

  Vanderpump Rules?

• 26:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Yes, that was my inspiration, yeah.

• 26:36Lewis Howes?

  But they wanted more of you.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  They wanted more of me. And each season became more and more of, of me and my personal life. But, you know, and it, it is what it is. I mean, I'm, I, from the get-go said I wanted to do three seasons. I did three seasons. It got me the exposure I needed. It literally catapulted Uncommon James to the next level overnight.

• 26:54Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 26:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:55Lewis Howes?

  You think, you, where would the company be without that show, do you think?

• 26:58Speaker 00

  I'm sure it would still be successful, but I don't think it would be what it is today.

• 27:02Lewis Howes?

  Maybe like a five to 10 million dollar year brand or something?

• 27:05Speaker 00

  Probably, probably.

• 27:05Lewis Howes?

  So that, that show has that much power? Even though it was probably only talked about, what, 5% of the time? Maybe like?

• 27:11Speaker 00

  It was on it a decent amount, though. I do feel like the company was a bit of a character on the show. Yeah.

• 27:16Lewis Howes?

  So it was a part of almost every episode for a scene or something, right?

• 27:19Speaker 00

  Cause it was like the work drama or whatever was going on. You know, the shipping issues and whatnot. And we, because you know, we really did show the, um, the hardships of a startup company and some of the things we went through. Which at the time, I had a lot of other entrepreneurs reach out and say that they loved that I showed that stuff because it's what everyone goes through.

• 27:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's real.

• 27:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was real. I didn't try to sugarcoat anything in that area. But, you know, a reality show is hard because... Especially Very Cavalier, because we don't, I didn't show my kids. So that's a huge piece of my life that wasn't on the show. And my life, believe it or not, is actually pretty boring. It really is.

• 27:54Lewis Howes?

  So you have to make it interesting somehow.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, and so it's like coming up with storylines, even, you know, it was exhausting. And that's what I don't like about reality TV.

• 28:02Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  But I did it for the company.

• 28:03Lewis Howes?

  You can't just wake up and live your normal day.

• 28:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, there would be nothing to watch.

• 28:07Lewis Howes?

  You're sitting there watching like on your Instagram or like watching TV.

• 28:10Speaker 00

  Nothing to watch. It's the most boring show ever. So yeah, you have to create, you know, create situations.

• 28:17Lewis Howes?

  Situations, yeah. That's interesting. Now, I'm curious, we don't even go into the relationship, but how much pressure does a reality show cause you as an individual, whether you're in a relationship or not?

• 28:29Speaker 00

  Yeah. They definitely offer a level of stress in the sense that, again, it's people judging you. You know, they think that they're in the middle of your life with you and that everything they're seeing is accurate. It's not. There's no way to have a show be 100% accurate unless you have cameras with you 24/7. But even then, things are getting edited.

• 28:49Lewis Howes?

  And it's not edited, yeah.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  Your whole day is getting edited down to two minutes. I mean, that's impossible. So that's challenging. And also just the schedule, quite honestly.

• 28:59Lewis Howes?

  You're filming nonstop.

• 29:00Speaker 00

  It's a lot.

• 29:00Lewis Howes?

  You have to be on constantly, right?

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, and when my kids, I have my kids and they're not on camera, you know, we can only film while my kids are at school. But I was, I was good about that. I was like, I'm never filming on the weekends. And that was the good thing with Very Cavalier. I had a little bit more say in it and I was an executive producer. So it ended up being a really enjoyable experience in that regard. But I said, I'm home every day by five for dinner with my kids. I'm never filming on the weekends. And if you need me to go do a night scene, it's after my kids go to bed. Like, I was, I was very strict about that stuff.

• 29:29Lewis Howes?

  So you had some structure, you didn't feel too like burnt out from it?

• 29:32Speaker 00

  If I was just doing the show and had my kids, I wouldn't have. But it was the company and the cookbook and my marital environment. You know, all the other hosting and all these other things on top of it.

• 29:42Lewis Howes?

  It's a lot.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  It was a lot. It was a lot.

• 29:44Lewis Howes?

  It was the schedule.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  It was, I mean, you know, fun stuff though, too, but yeah, it was a lot.

• 29:49Lewis Howes?

  Would you ever do a reality show again?

• 29:50Speaker 00

  No.

• 29:51Lewis Howes?

  You said that before.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  I did say that before, but I mean it this time.

• 29:55Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 29:55Speaker 00

  No, because, again, believe it or not, even though I've been on three reality shows, I've always been semi-private, even on Laguna Beach, and now that I'm watching it again for this podcast. Anytime, like, my ex-boyfriend and I were in a fight or whatever, I would say, "Let's talk about it later. Let's talk about it later," because I didn't want to talk about it on camera. And that's, again, because I didn't want to be vulnerable, right? So, but I like keeping my personal life private, and especially with where I'm at. A, my life's not that interesting. I'm never gonna do a dating show. I can guarantee that. So, and I just, whoever I end up with, I would never want to expose our relationship like that. Yeah.

• 30:33Lewis Howes?

  Well, I mean, you probably host shows, you just wouldn't be in a reality show.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  Absolutely. I would host a reality show, but, yeah, no.

• 30:39Lewis Howes?

  It wouldn't be about you and behind the scenes, in your home and in your bedroom.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  I don't know. Yeah.

• 30:45Lewis Howes?

  Gosh. What were the greatest lessons you've learned about being in reality TV? Like, on just all of it, managing it all?

• 30:53Speaker 00

  I think just really being true to who you are and not bending for producers or for this or that, which I did more on Laguna Beach, well, The Hills I did, but I was essentially playing a character, which made it fun. I looked at it as a job, and that was a very different experience. But very cavalier, I stood up for myself a little bit more, and I was like, "I would never say that. I'm not, I'm not doing that," you know, like...

• 31:15Lewis Howes?

  Because the producer might say, "Hey, we want you to start with this conversation by saying yes."

• 31:18Speaker 00

  They don't try to get you to do anything and everything. And when you realize you can say no, you know, that's a, that's a good place to be in. So, I think, but, but that's sort of been my, my thing my whole career, is I've always been me, and I think that's what people can see, is I'm authentic. I'm not trying to put on a show. I'm not trying to be somebody that I'm not. I probably say too much. I don't really have a filter, but that's me. And so, you know, I think now, people come into this business with an agenda, and they're... Trying to be someone they're not.

• 31:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I was asking you, I got sidetracked, I was asking you about how you launched your company. And you said in the first few months, you killed it. And you had a lot of confidence going into it. What were the biggest challenges you had to face after launch? Because you had a big surge of confidence, you had a bunch of sales.

• 32:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:05Lewis Howes?

  What did you have to face the next year?

• 32:07Speaker 00

  Well, the biggest hurdles were when the show came on air and we sold out of everything immediately. And the whole first season of Very Cavalry, we had no product.

• 32:17Lewis Howes?

  No inventory?

• 32:18Speaker 00

  Nothing.

• 32:18Lewis Howes?

  What?

• 32:19Speaker 00

  Nothing.

• 32:20Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  That was a

• 32:21Lewis Howes?

  That's a problem.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  That was a huge problem.

• 32:23Lewis Howes?

  So were we just collecting pre-orders? Like you were just getting a sale and saying, we'll ship it in six months, or what?

• 32:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think it took four to five months to get everything. And we had one of those alerts so people could sign up to be notified. Which by the way, like 2% of those people actually place an order. So we're like, oh my God, yeah, we're ordering like thousands and thousands of units of stuff. And then when everything came in, it was like a tiny percentage of those people.

• 32:47Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 32:47Speaker 00

  So we're sitting on all this inventory. Like figuring out our inventory for a while was a massive challenge. Honestly, probably until about a year ago. And so that was, that was huge. Also hiring, we had all the wrong people working for us for the first few years. We just needed bodies at one point.

• 33:04Lewis Howes?

  Well, no one teaches you how to hire.

• 33:06Speaker 00

  And I realize I'm horrible at it.

• 33:07Lewis Howes?

  And how to manage.

• 33:08Speaker 00

  Horrible at hiring. And I still am. And so I have nothing to do with that anymore, thank God. Although I've hired, I mean, I shouldn't say that, I've hired incredible people. My COO, my CFO, I have really great adults in the building now.

• 33:20Lewis Howes?

  And now you let them hire for you.

• 33:21Speaker 00

  Exactly, now they do all the heavy lifting. But yeah, so you know, just the insane growth that we saw overnight was very challenging to keep up with. I'd say that was probably, probably the hardest thing. And then I've had to fire a lot of people in my day, which I

• 33:36Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that hard?

• 33:37Speaker 00

  I get anxiety about it. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I hate it. And so, yeah, I had to do that way more than I wanted to. I had to figure out this business world when I don't know anything about it. You know, I just had to fake it till I made it.

• 33:48Lewis Howes?

  Because you were essentially a talent, putting your name on products or lines before essentially.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  I mean, I was involved, but yes.

• 33:55Lewis Howes?

  But you weren't starting from scratch.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  It's someone else's company, you know, and I had a team of people to fall back on. Where this was me. This was all me. And so, it was exciting, but it's also, it's heavy. And still, I will always feel that because I'm now responsible for a large group of people. And, you know, it's my main source of income. And so, I want to make sure that it continues to grow. So, I'll always have that, not heaviness, but I'll always feel that way.

• 34:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course. What's the vision now after five years? Where do you see it in the future?

• 34:27Speaker 00

  So, we're gonna open two more stores next year. We have three right now, so that'll be.

• 34:32Lewis Howes?

  You have one in LA?

• 34:33Speaker 00

  No, we had a pop-up at The Grove for a while.

• 34:36Lewis Howes?

  I think I saw that one time, yeah.

• 34:37Speaker 00

  There's like those beautiful carousels.

• 34:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I gotta get some for my girlfriend one day.

• 34:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, I'll send you some stuff. But I don't know that I ever will in LA. If I was gonna do California, I would do Southern California. But we have Nashville, Chicago, and Dallas. We're gonna open Charleston and Austin next year. Yeah, so very excited about that. But, you know, honestly, I wanna just continue to grow it. We have jewelry and skincare is our two main focuses. And then we have some home goods and stuff like that. But the jewelry and the skincare are what are, you know, driving the most sales. And so, I wanna take what we're really good at and just focus on those. I don't wanna have a million other products. I wanna take what we know and do that to the best of our ability.

• 35:17Lewis Howes?

  So, the jewelry and the skincare, skincare's more recent, right?

• 35:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's only in the last year.

• 35:21Lewis Howes?

  How's that doing?

• 35:22Speaker 00

  It's doing really well. Yeah, it's a clean skincare brand. And a lot of brands can say that they're clean, but we actually are. And so, there's peace of mind putting these products on your skin. And we've only launched with our five core products. And we have a ton more coming out, so I'm excited for that.

• 35:38Lewis Howes?

  More inventory challenges to face.

• 35:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, now I have a team of people for that. It's not on my plate anymore.

• 35:44Lewis Howes?

  What inspires you the most about yourself over these last five years in the business side of things? Again, starting something from scratch, building it up, going through a lot of challenges of hiring, firing, kind of all the mess.

• 35:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:55Lewis Howes?

  Mistakes, the lessons, the growth, the success. What are you most inspired and proud of within yourself?

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Just the fact that I listened to my gut and I trusted myself. You know, I think that's a hard thing to do sometimes is to trust ourselves. And that I fought and I pushed for it and I didn't let any discouragement along the way stop me. I think that's really important. And I also am really proud of the fact that at one point in time, I did every job within my company, you know? So I was shipping, I was, you know, doing, I was, I've done everything. And so that I also am proud of. Um, and I'm, I'm just, I'm, I'm proud of where we've gotten it to, you know? I mean, I really am. It's the thing I'm most proud of professionally and so.

• 36:37Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 36:38Speaker 00

  If my daughter wants to take it over one day, I think that would be awesome. You know, I think just being able to show my kids too, that, you know, you can do anything you want. I think is, is really cool.

• 36:47Lewis Howes?

  That's really inspiring.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  Thanks.

• 36:50Lewis Howes?

  You know, speaking of young women, um, I feel like there's a pressure today for women to be like perfect on specifically social media and Instagram and everything else. What advice would you have for young women who see you and they're so inspired by your success? They're inspired by the mom you've become, the woman you've become, the entrepreneur, all these different things. Polished on TV, all the different things that you do well. On how to really stay true to themselves and not get into, I don't know, a fake persona to try to get likes or try to get engagement or try to search for some type of acceptance or acknowledgement that I feel like just a lot of people are putting out in the world.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  I know. It's so hard for everybody, but I mean, young women especially. You just can't get caught up in the noise and, and you know, social media is not the real world. I think that's what we all have to keep in perspective. It's not the real world, none of that translates into the real world. I think it's easy to get sucked into all of that. Put your phone down, go outside, go have actual human interaction. I think that's the most important thing. But you can't compare yourself to anybody else. I think that's probably the most important thing. The only person you should be comparing yourself is to yourself. You know, am I better than I was yesterday or a year ago or whatever it is? You know, we're all on a different journey and we also have no idea what other people are going through.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  And of course, on social media, we're all putting our best foot forward. You know, it's easy to compare our worst to everybody else's best. And then we end up feeling even worse than we did initially. So we just have to keep it all in perspective and, you know, pick up the phone, call your friend. Pick up the phone, call your mom, go outside, like, put your phone down.

• 38:32Lewis Howes?

  When did you stop comparing yourself to other people?

• 38:35Speaker 00

  I mean, listen, I would be lying if I said I never did, you know? I still do sometimes, but I think, I think truly like just in the last couple of years, have I really started to get to that place?

• 38:45Lewis Howes?

  So give me an example of, is this you would see someone on social media and you would, you'd see what they're doing and they had some success and thought you need to do more of that? Or would you compare yourself to it? What do women in general, I guess, is it comparing to looks? Is it comparing to success? Is it comparing to like, oh, their husband did this with them?

• 39:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's everything.

• 39:04Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 39:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I think, I think what it is, is there's this mentality that, oh, if you have it, I can't. But no, there's room for all of us to have all of it. So instead of being envious or jealous, I guess I should say, it's being happy for someone because also I am a big believer in energy and we get what we put out there. And so if you want love, you need to be putting out love, you know? And so. Instead of being this like bitter like, oh, you know, F her and whatever. It's, you know what? Good for her. She's killing it. Like it's changing, it's flipping the script in your head. And, and I think how we talk to ourselves is also really important, too.

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I'm a big believer in energy. Me and my girlfriend talk about energy all the time. Uh, I'm curious, do you have a daily energy practice to support you in having harmony and peace in your heart? In your mind, is there something you do in the morning or at nights that supports this reminder? When maybe you get off track and you go into comparison mode and you have to catch yourself and go back into like, keep killing a girl or whatever.

• 40:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. The Five Minute Journal, which is a gratitude book. Um, I, I go through phases, but I do have that. And I try to incorporate that on a daily basis. I also got these little three-minute journals for my kids, too. So we'll do that together at night and in the morning sometimes. Yeah, a lot of times it's, you know, a little over their head, but I just think laying the groundwork right now will hopefully set them up for the rest of their lives.

• 40:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  So, yeah.

• 40:34Lewis Howes?

  You have, uh, three kids, right?

• 40:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, two boys and a girl.

• 40:37Lewis Howes?

  If you could only share with them three pieces of advice, you could sit down in front of them, if you could only give them three pieces of advice for what they're gonna face for the next 20, 30 years of their life, and you could only share these three things. What would be that advice you'd give them?

• 40:53Speaker 00

  So hard. Um, okay. Uh, okay, I said it, one of them earlier, but, um, no matter what you do, you can't please everybody. So live your life for you. You create your own destiny. And, oh, life's about the journey, you know, just, just being present. I guess is what I would say.

• 41:14Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 41:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. And call your mom over.

• 41:18Lewis Howes?

  Your kids are lucky. I'm curious, Kristin, if you could go five years in the future and just hypothetically imagine, uh, your five-year-old self walking up to you.

• 41:27Speaker 00

  Hmm. Are we in therapy right now? Isn't this a therapy exercise?

• 41:31Lewis Howes?

  No, is it? I don't know.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, self-talking to your little self.

• 41:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that one is. But I'd like to talk to my future self.

• 41:37Speaker 00

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 41:38Lewis Howes?

  I've had many conversations with my five-year-old self. In fact, it's on, it's on my screensaver is my five-year-old self.

• 41:45Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 41:46Lewis Howes?

  To heal the inner child.

• 41:47Speaker 00

  Wow, you really have been doing work. That's good.

• 41:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, but I like to go in the future because when we, it's really when we learn to heal the memories of the past, then we can be more present and we can start looking into the future about what we want to create, what we can imagine as opposed to being stuck in the past pain.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  Love it.

• 42:02Lewis Howes?

  So if your five-year-old self hypothetically walks right up to you and is standing right here, what would be the ideal on how she would look? Her energy, her presence, her, her, her qualities, what would she have? And what do you think she needs to say to you right now in order for you to be prepared for what's to come?

• 42:25Speaker 00

  Okay, well, the energy would be warm and loving and engaging. And because I'm talking to the five-year-old, getting down on her level.

• 42:35Lewis Howes?

  No, five years, five years ahead. So your forty-year-old self.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, I'm talking to my forty-year-old.

• 42:40Lewis Howes?

  You're talking to your forty-year-old self.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm talking to my forty-year-old self. Got you. Okay.

• 42:44Lewis Howes?

  Your forty-year-old self is coming up to you.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  Oh, okay, to me right now. Okay, okay.

• 42:47Lewis Howes?

  Five years away from now, and she has this presence, energy, what is that presence she has?

• 42:52Speaker 00

  Okay, well, I would still say.

• 42:53Lewis Howes?

  And what would she be telling you at thirty-five?

• 42:56Speaker 00

  What would forty-year-old me be telling me at thirty-five?

• 42:58Lewis Howes?

  To be ready for over the next five years of your life.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Okay, okay, okay. Got it. Okay, so she would still be warm and welcoming and inviting and calm, I think, and just peaceful, just seemingly happy.

• 43:12Lewis Howes?

  What advice would she tell you on how to be prepared for what's to come over the next five years of your life?

• 43:18Speaker 00

  To just, to be, that's what I've been saying the whole time. Be present, feel it all, experience it all, take it all in, and savor these moments. I'm really thinking about my kids because my oldest is almost ten and it just goes by so fast. So in five years, I mean, I'm, you know, he's gonna be fifteen almost. So just to, to really enjoy these moments with them. Because I know as soon as they're out of the house, I'm gonna be a mess.

• 43:43Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 43:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I mean, listen, there's days where I'm like, oh my, I need today to be over. You guys are driving me nuts, you know, but it's, yeah, overall, I look back and I'm like, how is my oldest ten? It's insane to me.

• 43:54Lewis Howes?

  Like this, huh?

• 43:55Speaker 00

  So fast. Long days, insanely quick years, you know, that's kind of how it is, but. Yeah, so I just wanna, I just wanna take in these years, you know, while they still love me and wanna snuggle with me and all, you know.

• 44:07Lewis Howes?

  Watch movies with me.

• 44:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly. I just, I just, I want it all with them.

• 44:11Lewis Howes?

  What's the greatest lessons your kids have taught you?

• 44:13Speaker 00

  They have really inspired me to work through my shit, you know, to be the best self that I can be so that I can be the best mom to them. Because I wanna be operating from my highest self so that I can really show up for them. And obviously, I'm not perfect, you know, we all have our things and I'm sure in 20 years, they'll say I mess them up in some way. But, but I wanna, I wanna give it my best shot. And so, um, that's, obviously, they've taught me about patience. And I think just being able to really look in the mirror and, and look at myself to figure out what things I need to work on.

• 44:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What are the things you still need to work on? Or insecurities or doubts that are, you think?

• 44:54Speaker 00

  I have a really hard time trusting people, but I, I don't know how you really work on that necessarily. I think being in the entertainment business, that offers its own challenges with trust. But I was like that before. And so.

• 45:10Lewis Howes?

  Before 16, right?

• 45:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've kind of always been like that. But I guess maybe with men is really what I'm talking about. And so, um, like in relationship with men is, is, is that trust. And so, I don't know. I mean, I'm, you know, I'm dating in a general sense and I'm, I'm trying to figure that out right now.

• 45:28Lewis Howes?

  It's hard to open your heart sometimes.

• 45:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is.

• 45:30Lewis Howes?

  Fully trust someone's words.

• 45:32Speaker 00

  Intentions are and, you know, yeah, so that's, it's challenging.

• 45:35Lewis Howes?

  So I was telling you before that when I started, uh, you know, hanging out with my, my girlfriend, I was like, I'm gonna be, I told her, I'm gonna be 100% authentic to who I am. I'm not changing for you. I'm gonna, I'm gonna grow and improve for me.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:48Lewis Howes?

  And for my mission, but I'm not gonna change to try to make you happy. So if you don't accept me and I don't accept you, then we shouldn't be together.

• 45:55Speaker 00

  Exactly. That's how it should be. That's how dating should be.

• 45:58Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, and once I got to know her and here are the words that come out of her mouth and watch her actions and behaviors match that. You know, that's where I started to build the trust and started to have the trust for her. And I think it's learning for me, I'll speak for myself, it's learning how to create agreements and boundaries in place.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:17Lewis Howes?

  And not, um, allowing things to pass. If someone breaks their word consistently, you're like, okay, without any mending, without any apology or.

• 46:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:27Lewis Howes?

  Like that, then it's challenging. So I think it's.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  So it's so great.

• 46:31Lewis Howes?

  I think it's important to have our hearts fully open, but also we can create brown boundaries. We don't have to move forward.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  That's the key. Exactly. Yeah. And I think too, just being okay if things don't work out too. That's a great place to be in where it's like, listen, if it doesn't work out, it's all good. Like we're just weren't meant to be and that's okay. Yeah. So, all right. Well, you're inspiring me.

• 46:51Lewis Howes?

  No, it's definitely, it's definitely possible, but I think, um, you know, for me, I just had to do a lot of the healing work to know that I could walk away if.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  And be okay.

• 47:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And not abandon myself.

• 47:01Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 47:02Lewis Howes?

  I think a lot of it is like learning to not abandon ourselves in relationships just because we don't want it to fail.

• 47:08Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 47:08Lewis Howes?

  We don't want to not make it hurt someone.

• 47:10Speaker 00

  Yeah. So true.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  But it sounds like you were really good earlier in your life at saying peace and like hurting the guys. You're like.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  I still am, but I mean, no, but I know. I mean, I think before I didn't, I know empathy really for other people. It was more just about me. The world revolved around me where now I don't want to actually hurt anybody. That's not my mission, you know, before, like when I was younger, you know, early twenties and teens, it was if I can hurt you, it'll prevent me from getting hurt. That was sort of my mentality. I know it's messed up.

• 47:43Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 47:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I'm not like that anymore. I know. So I'm not like that anymore.

• 47:49Lewis Howes?

  That's good. You're a kind human being. Yeah. That's good. Jeez.

• 47:52Speaker 00

  I have more compassion in my life.

• 47:54Lewis Howes?

  What's, what's the thing that you're most proud of about yourself that most people don't know about you? That's not on a TV show. That's not in public, but.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:03Lewis Howes?

  Maybe it's something small or something big, but no one knows about.

• 48:07Speaker 00

  No one?

• 48:08Lewis Howes?

  I mean, very few.

• 48:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, I would say I have that I'm very normal. Like I'm very down to earth and normal. And I'm not just saying that, but like, that's what my friends tell me and people who meet me. I've I've allowed the entertainment world to not be my life. I look at it almost as Fantasyland. To me, this is not real world. It's just not. And it's because I didn't grow up in all of this. I mean, obviously, it fell into my lap at seventeen, but I grew up in Chicago and Colorado. So I I live a very normal life and I'm a homebody and I just kind of like to kick it.

• 48:45Lewis Howes?

  You've got a lot of land, you've got a lot of

• 48:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:47Lewis Howes?

  You've got a farm or something.

• 48:48Speaker 00

  I mean, sort of chickens and beehives and stuff like that. But yeah, and my kids have go-karts and they run and drive around. And it's, yeah, but so my life is not this glamorous, dramatic, you know, crazy life. It's very normal and I'm thankful for that. And I'm I'm proud that I didn't let any of this stuff

• 49:08Speaker 00

  change me or or make me somebody that I don't want to be, I guess. Yeah.

• 49:13Lewis Howes?

  Just fine. Is there any question you wish more people would ask you that they don't ask you?

• 49:18Speaker 00

  Well, it seems like all anyone ever cares about is my dating life. So if they wanted to ask me anything other than that.

• 49:23Lewis Howes?

  I couldn't care I couldn't care less about that.

• 49:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, which I appreciate.

• 49:26Lewis Howes?

  I'm more curious about like you learning what you've learned about yourself in this process and the person you've become and the challenges you've overcome, whether it's in dating or business or anything, but it's not about who are you dating?

• 49:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. I guess it's more about I wish people would ask, you know, like, what makes you happy? Like, what are you doing that fuels you? Like, that kind of stuff. Instead of just

• 49:47Lewis Howes?

  What are those?

• 49:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, what are those things? God, great question. Um, I mean, honestly, I love cooking. I find it to be so therapeutic. I love hiking. I love being outside. I love just spending time with the people I love. You know, my kids, my best friends, I love traveling. I was just in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.

• 50:03Lewis Howes?

  It's beautiful there.

• 50:04Speaker 00

  It was amazing.

• 50:05Lewis Howes?

  On the lake?

• 50:05Speaker 00

  Yes, it's beautiful. And I went with three girlfriends that I've been friends with for eighteen years.

• 50:10Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 50:10Speaker 00

  And we just had the time of our lives. Like, that's we hiked, went to a farmer's market. That, to me, is that's what life's about.

• 50:16Lewis Howes?

  That little town right there.

• 50:17Speaker 00

  It's amazing.

• 50:18Lewis Howes?

  The lake and the trees.

• 50:19Speaker 00

  We're gonna make that our annual trip. I loved it.

• 50:21Lewis Howes?

  It's incredible there. Well, Kristen, I'm really grateful to connect with you and meet you and just to learn more about you from a real world perspective, not the real world on TV. And I've got a couple of final questions for you. Before I ask them, I want to get, I want to have people follow you and support you. You're @KristenCaballari on Instagram and all over social media, also @UncommonJames. They can learn more about your skincare line there, your jewelry collection, which I'm gonna get some for my girlfriend, so I'm gonna make that happen. And also, you got the podcast. When's the podcast dropping?

• 50:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, so that comes out July 12th. That is Back to the Beach with Stephen and Kristen, and it's a Laguna Beach rewatch podcast.

• 51:03Lewis Howes?

  So if you're 35 to 40, this is the podcast for you to relive your high school and college years.

• 51:10Speaker 00

  It's been a trip, to say the least.

• 51:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so that comes out, when is it coming out?

• 51:15Speaker 00

  July 12th.

• 51:16Lewis Howes?

  July 12th, it's coming out. It's a, how many episodes?

• 51:19Speaker 00

  So we did 40, so that was seasons one and two, and then a couple of filler episodes, interviewing people and whatnot. But yeah, it's been, it's been fun.

• 51:27Lewis Howes?

  Do you guys talk about lessons, or is it more just kind of like?

• 51:29Speaker 00

  It's everything. Yep, it's light and fun. We also get deep at times. It's therapeutic. We have people come on. It's, you know, yeah, we really cover a lot of ground. It's been, it's been really fun. I'm really happy that I did it.

• 51:42Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. So we can, we can follow you on your social media. We can check out Uncommon James and follow there, and we'll learn more about, you'll be promoting that when it comes out, so if they're following you.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  Yes, yes.

• 51:52Lewis Howes?

  They'll get access to that.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:54Lewis Howes?

  Anything else we can do to support you today?

• 51:56Speaker 00

  No, I mean, this has been great. I really, this has been one of my favorite interviews, so thank you.

• 52:00Lewis Howes?

  That's good. I'm happy to hear that. This is a question I ask everyone at the end. It's called the three truths. I think they might have prepped you on this before. Imagine that it is your last day on earth.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 52:09Lewis Howes?

  You get to live as old as you want to live.

• 52:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 52:12Lewis Howes?

  And you get to live the life of your dreams. Everything you want comes true. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your conversations, your work, your, your message, it's got to go somewhere else. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world, three things you know to be true. And this is all we would have to remember you by. What would be those three truths for you?

• 52:30Speaker 00

  Okay. And now I'm kind of wishing I said some of this for the lessons I would give my kids, but it's all good.

• 52:36Lewis Howes?

  It's all good.

• 52:37Speaker 00

  Okay, so the first one would be, we're only given as much as we can handle. I truly believe there is nothing we will go through in life that we're not capable of. That's one. Two, stay curious. And three, which I've been saying is that you can't please everyone. So you gotta live your life for you.

• 52:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, those are powerful. And I think you being on TV at a, you know, for a long time, you probably learned that at that, you know, from sixteen, seventeen until now that you, if you do that, you're gonna be miserable.

• 53:07Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 53:07Lewis Howes?

  It's gonna be exhausting, draining.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't please everybody.

• 53:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, so really learning a practice on how to manage that internally and not, not deal with that stress. Kristen, I really acknowledge you. It's really been a pleasure to connect with you and learn about your story in a, in a more vulnerable, open way that I think most people don't hear about from you and the shorter, you know, celebrity news stuff that you're in typically. So I really acknowledge you for, I mean, anyone going through a breakup, anyone building a business, all these things are challenging. Anyone having three kids, all these things are challenging things in life, but it can also be beautiful moments of transformation.

• 53:42Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 53:43Lewis Howes?

  In each area of life. So I really acknowledge you for being vulnerable, for feeling the wide range of emotions that you're feeling and not shying away from them and not stuffing them.

• 53:53Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 53:54Lewis Howes?

  I acknowledge you for processing it. I acknowledge you for doing your best to be a light and lift others up around you. I, I acknowledge you for being open about different challenges you still have and knowing that you're, you're a human being on the journey. So congratulations. I acknowledge you.

• 54:11Speaker 00

  Thanks.

• 54:12Lewis Howes?

  And my final question is what's your definition of greatness?

• 54:16Speaker 00

  So my definition of greatness is, is, one, I've also kind of said this, but not comparing yourself to others and just being the best to your ability. So whatever that means to you.

• 54:29Lewis Howes?

  Kristen, thank you so much. Appreciate you.

• 54:31Speaker 00

  It's been so fun.

• 54:32Lewis Howes?

  Amazing. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.