My Stepdad Had an Inappropriate Photo of Me on His Phone

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman feeling violated by a recent discovery · A father who is angry about time lost with his kids since the divorce · A mother struggling to explain to her son why he can’t go to sleepovers Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I found a picture of myself on my stepdad's phone. He had put a picture that I had posted on Facebook through an app that made me look completely naked. I'm just absolutely gutted.

• 0:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from real people all over planet Earth about whatever's going on in your lives, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you've got going on. I'd love to have you on the show. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com/ask. A-S-K. All right, Raleigh, North Carolina. Let's talk to Renee. What's up, Renee?

• 0:58Speaker 00

  Hi, um, nothing much. How are you?

• 1:01Dr. John Delony?

  I am running a scam called being a YouTuber. What are you doing?

• 1:05Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, nothing much, just enjoying the sunshine out here in Raleigh.

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing. It's a beautiful part of the world, man. That's fantastic. So what's up?

• 1:14Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, I, um, I had an unfortunate situation where I found a picture of myself on my stepdad's phone, and he had put a picture that I had posted on Facebook through an app that made me and the friend that was in the picture as well, look like we were completely naked. Um, it's, my world kind of shattered in that because I don't have a great relationship with my dad, and my stepdad has been in my life for, you know, 10-plus years, and he's really been an answer to prayer for me in so many ways.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  So I'm just absolutely gutted and shattered, and I, I don't know, I don't know what a relationship with him would look like moving forward. Um, I don't know if I want that, I don't know. I just, I feel very heartbroken, very betrayed, very trapped, and very, very stuck. So I'd love any advice that you have.

• 2:25Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 2:30Speaker 00

  I'm thirty.

• 2:33Dr. John Delony?

  How old was this picture that you posted?

• 2:37Speaker 00

  Um, it was about a year old, so I was very much an adult.

• 2:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so this wasn't like, this wasn't kids?

• 2:43Speaker 00

  No.

• 2:45Dr. John Delony?

  Jeez. Um, I, ugh, ugh, ah, gosh. How'd you find this?

• 2:54Speaker 00

  So, um, I, he was picking me up from the airport. Um, I'm originally from California and my flight got in very, very late. Um, it was delayed and so he picked me up from the airport and, um, I heard a notification go off on his phone and I asked him, I'm like, why, who's messaging you at like one in the morning? What's going on? And so he told me he's got, um, friends that he used to work with that are contracting over in the Middle East and they sent him motorcycle videos. Okay, no big deal. So we sat down for breakfast, dinner, whatever meal that was at one in the morning. And, um, I took his phone and his password is my birthday.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  And so I looked at the message and it was in fact just a motorcycle video. But he had another message that was kind of suspicious and I asked him about it. And he was like, he just had some excuse for, oh yeah, that's a girl that I knew from high school or whatever. Um, and then I, I don't know why I did this, but I looked at his text messages and one of the first messages that he had was a picture that he had sent himself. And so I opened that and that's where I found the picture. Um, I did have a chance to talk to him about it the next day because right then I was absolutely shocked. I didn't say anything about it.

• 4:15Dr. John Delony?

  He saw you open the picture?

• 4:17Speaker 00

  No, um, he saw me open the messages, but he didn't see me open the text message thread, the picture. I just exited out of everything, put the phone down, slid it back over to him and we ate breakfast in almost silence.

• 4:34Dr. John Delony?

  So how'd your conversation with him go?

• 4:37Speaker 00

  Um, so the next day I-

• 4:38Dr. John Delony?

  It started with, "Hey, uh, stepdad, what the f-" like, how did it start?

• 4:43Speaker 00

  So, um, I tried to not be overly emotional about it.

• 4:50Dr. John Delony?

  Why?

• 4:51Speaker 00

  I don't, I don't know, um...

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  You know what? I retract that. Why is a terrible question asked you, and I just put you on the defensive, and you don't need that right now. I'm sorry about that. That was a bad, that was a bad move on my part. Okay, so you're challenging him.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, and so I, I sat down with him and I said, "Hey, I found something inappropriate on your phone, um, that's concerning." And he was like, "Yeah, what did you see?" And so I told him, "Well, I saw the picture that you sent to yourself." And he said, "Ah, yeah, well, yeah, um, yeah, you know, it was, it's an app, and I don't know, just playing around, I don't know," and just, you know, kinda wishy-washy, waffling back and forth of, you know, there's not an excuse for that. Um, and so I asked him, I said, "Do you see me as a stepdaughter?"

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Because that's not, that's not what a step, like, that's not a fatherly, you know, that's not something that a father figure would do. And he said, "Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. That's not something that a father figure would do. I do see you as a stepdad," but he couldn't look at me. Um, and so I don't believe him. Like, this does shatter my image of who he is in my life. But I just told him, like, "Hey, just delete the picture, delete the app, like, I don't, I don't want, I'm not gonna make a massive deal about this, I'm not gonna tell my mom, like, I don't, I just, at that moment, I just really did wanna forget about it, but, like, I can't forget about it."

• 6:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 6:30Dr. John Delony?

  Man.

• 6:34Dr. John Delony?

  So there's so many layers to this. Um, do you mind if I think about them out loud?

• 6:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:41Dr. John Delony?

  Is that okay? So I want to go real big picture and then get pretty granular with your situation. So, big picture, we're in a new era. Normally, to get a picture of a stepdaughter,

• 6:58Dr. John Delony?

  and unfortunately, I've seen this and been periphery to this and had some of these hard conversations, you'd have to physically sneak a photo of somebody. Open up their blinds, somehow get your phone in the bathroom while they're showering. Like, you'd have to do a thing like that, that is a crime.

• 7:14Dr. John Delony?

  Now, with these AI apps, you can take a benign picture

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  and, without committing a crime, have this, this as real as a real photo right there, right?

• 7:34Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 7:35Dr. John Delony?

  It's a disturbing new world we've entered into.

• 7:40Dr. John Delony?

  So that's big picture. Second picture is, maybe not in the legal sense, but I want you to feel, I want to connect that feeling you have in your guts and that feeling you have in your chest with that confusion in your mind, okay?

• 8:00Dr. John Delony?

  It may not be a legal case, but this, I consider this assault. I consider this a sex crime.

• 8:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? At the very least, it's so disgusting

• 8:16Dr. John Delony?

  that

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:17Dr. John Delony?

  every bit of unmooring you feel, especially for somebody that came in as a rescuer. Because here's what you're, I, I, just for the, the people listening, here's what I know to be true, and feel free to tell me, actually, you missed this one. Now you are wondering what other pictures he has of you. For how long has he been looking at photos of you? And your friends? Did he take pictures of you before these apps were out? Does he fantasize about, I mean, it unmoors everything, right?

• 8:46Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 8:48Dr. John Delony?

  And you and I both know, this doesn't happen a single time that someone happens to see a photo. You know that, I know that.

• 8:56Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want to know, what friends in the Middle East is he texting? And what is he sending?

• 9:05Dr. John Delony?

  And honestly, that stuff does matter, but not right now. Right now, you're just devastated.

• 9:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so I have all sorts of opinions on what you should do next. And I also know it doesn't matter.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  My question to you is, what do you want to do next?

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  Not what you think you should do. What is your gut telling you is the next right move?

• 9:38Speaker 00

  I'm so conflicted because he, part of me, like, I don't want to disqualify all the good that he's done in my life. But also, like, when I look back at our entire relationship, I was holding back, like, I think I knew something was off for a while. I didn't want to hug him. I didn't want to, like, tell him I love you. Um, he, again, he's been like a really good influence, but now I just feel dirty. Like, I just...

• 10:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, all those things are right. Like, what, this feels like the tip of the iceberg, you know?

• 10:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 10:22Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, don't, you're holding back. Don't do that. Well, I don't want to tell you, I don't want to tell you what to do and what to feel right now. But if you'll honor yourself, don't hold those tears back.

• 10:36Dr. John Delony?

  Because right now, if I'm, if I, I've sat with enough people in this situation, there's a sense that if you start crying, you're never going to be able to stop.

• 10:46Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 10:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, um, yeah, I just feel like if I actually show emotion, it'll be like completely the end of a relationship with him at all.

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but listen, he ended it.

• 11:07Dr. John Delony?

  And you have always known.

• 11:11Dr. John Delony?

  You ever heard of the turkey problem?

• 11:13Speaker 00

  No.

• 11:14Dr. John Delony?

  It's an economics

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  thing, but it works here.

• 11:20Dr. John Delony?

  A turkey is born the day after Thanksgiving and is moved into the family yard.

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  And every day, the farmer goes out and pets that turkey and feeds that turkey the best of the best of the best.

• 11:35Dr. John Delony?

  And over time, that turkey knows and would tell everybody, this is the greatest guy who ever lived.

• 11:44Dr. John Delony?

  He feeds me every day. He pets me. He brings in mates for me.

• 11:53Dr. John Delony?

  Until Thanksgiving morning.

• 11:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so maybe you have been caged with a predator for a long time and your instinct, your

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  genetic line and your just grit and determination. Because let's say before him, your life was rough too, right?

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:17Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. You're very tough.

• 12:22Dr. John Delony?

  And pretty gritty too, correct?

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  Like you get stuff done. You figure it out, right?

• 12:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 12:32Dr. John Delony?

  So it may be that caged with a predator.

• 12:37Dr. John Delony?

  You have always, you've been able to extrapolate the good.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  And so I don't want you giving him credit

• 12:49Dr. John Delony?

  for your survival and your hard work.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to know, he destroyed this relationship, not you.

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 13:15Dr. John Delony?

  And I know that you want to hang on to it. Okay, you're getting hard on me. Tell me what's happening inside your chest.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Um.

• 13:22Dr. John Delony?

  I can feel you walling up.

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, no, I think you're absolutely correct. And I'm just really frustrated myself for not like, seeing what you're saying sooner of like, you're right, he, I have been chained to a predator and have made the most of the situation. But like, why did I not know? Like, I knew, you know, as you said, like my God told me, I just didn't, I don't know if I didn't care or didn't want, like, I'm just, I'm angry with myself. I'm frustrated.

• 13:54Dr. John Delony?

  How long have you known him? Since you were 20?

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Um, he's been in my life as a stepdad since 20, but he's been in my life since I was like, six or seven.

• 14:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 14:06Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have any memories of him doing something shady?

• 14:08Speaker 00

  There was one time I remember I, um, I was rooming with, he was, um, living with my mom and I was staying with his step, his daughter, my stepsister, at his house. Um, but he wasn't living there. And there was one night that he did come, get into bed with me. Um, nothing happened, but he just slept there.

• 14:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 14:42Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry.

• 14:47Dr. John Delony?

  You've been through enough and you didn't deserve to have another man blow your life up. And I'm sorry.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  Me too.

• 15:00Dr. John Delony?

  So can I draw a map for you about what I think might happen down the road here? Just so you're not, um, I'm using it part as teaching for the people listening, but also just for you. Um, if you're not there already, you're going to become overwhelmed with rage for your mom?

• 15:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna be overcome with rage for him.

• 15:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna begin to ask yourself, was your whole childhood a lie? What do you not remember? And then there's gonna be little GPS pins popping up all over the place.

• 15:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And then you're gonna think about another sleepover when you had a friend over that you're gonna think about all that. It's just gonna come back in pieces and pieces and pieces until it's like a leak coming from a hot water heater till the whole thing just burst, okay?

• 15:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to hear me say you cannot go through this next stage by yourself. It'll kill you. Okay?

• 16:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm just, I'm really scared about telling my mom because, you know, ever since I was, ever since they got together, um, she's been telling me like, you don't deserve a man as good as him in your life. And she's always felt like she has to compete with me for him and

• 16:29Dr. John Delony?

  But you know why? You know why?

• 16:31Speaker 00

  She was crazy.

• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

  She has been.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, but now I'm seeing that like, wow, she, she saw. I mean, yeah.

• 16:40Dr. John Delony?

  She saw, but the dot, dot, dot is, did she know?

• 16:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know if she knew or not. I pray to God she had no idea, but I'm also not that naive.

• 16:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. That's right. And so the domino here is you may have lost your mom too.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:00Dr. John Delony?

  And if she knew she dragged her little daughter into a cage with a predator?

• 17:06Dr. John Delony?

  Shame on her.

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  Shame on her.

• 17:21Dr. John Delony?

  And you can find out with a simple email or a simple phone call. And if she chooses your side immediately, you know, oh my God, she didn't know. And if she says, how dare you talk about this man that was so good, then you know, right?

• 17:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think I already know. I just, I'm really not wanting to confirm that.

• 17:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. It feels like you're holding a dam up with two hands. I want you just to look to your left and your right and see that dam is already blown out. It's all, that water is rushing. What was is now over. And so that strength and energy you're using to hold up what was, or the shreds of what was, it's just wasted energy. I want you to use that energy on you. And that means you're gonna have to find people to do holidays with.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:25Dr. John Delony?

  That means you're gonna have to find people to celebrate with. That means you're gonna have to go see a therapist, for real. Probably a trauma-informed therapist in the Raleigh area. I mean, you're gonna have to do some of those things that are very hard and very uncomfortable. Because Renee, you deserve peace and your body does not know what that feels like. Renee, call anytime. Ah, ooh. Everybody listening, and everybody listening is probably feeling the same bit of disgust, the shock, let's burn it down, call everybody. And that's my, that's, that's what I want

• 19:08Dr. John Delony?

  to say too. I want to tell Renee, you need to get on the phone, you need to call everybody, you need to burn it all down, you need to find out who was in the Sunday School class, all those things. And I get that.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  And also, I want everybody to know, I've just, I've sat with so many Renees in my career, and I'm just so sick to my stomach and heartbroken.

• 19:31Dr. John Delony?

  But there's a fog, and there's a depth of this hurt that is so, almost, it's a paralytic, it's so hard. And...

• 19:42Dr. John Delony?

  So, again, the last thing she needs is some other man saying, "Here's what you gotta do." That's not gonna help. What she needs is somebody to sit by her and say, "I'm not a predator, and I'll sit with you, and I'll listen. And I want to encourage you to do the next right thing." I have a feeling that when the fog begins to clear, and Renee goes from numb to feeling that that rage will emerge, and she'll enact justice across the board. And, but those will be her calls to make, but... Renee, I'm really honored that you sat with me, and let me sit with you.

• 20:19Dr. John Delony?

  All right, when we come back, I talk to a dad who is newly divorced and is really struggling with only seeing his kids half the time. We'll be right back.

• 20:30Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:58Dr. John Delony?

  All right, listen, I understand the struggle. You're juggling work, parenting, eating right and a million other things. You're tired and wired and exhausted and you're trying to hold it all together. But there are small daily choices that we can all make to feel a little more clear headed and a little less anxious so we can show up and be steady for the people we love. For me, that includes starting my day with Organifi juices and gummies. Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health. They also contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance, too. They offer a wide range of organic superfood blends that are really easy to fit into your daily routine, even when you're on the go. You just mix the juices with water and you're ready to rock and roll.

• 22:43Dr. John Delony?

  I love their green juice in the morning for a great start and their red juice for caffeine free energy in the morning and in the afternoon. And of course, I love the SheLaJit, Creatin and Happy Drops gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients. Good folks, Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health. Go to organifi.com/deloney and use code DELONY to save 20% off everything site wide. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, organifi.com/deloney. Go check them out. Orlando, Florida, let's talk to Jay. What's up, Jay?

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Hey John, how you doing?

• 23:23Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great, brother. What's up with you?

• 23:25Speaker 02

  Uh, not too much, just, uh, living life, I guess.

• 23:31Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on, brother?

• 23:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, um, I went through a divorce, um, that was final last July. Um, my ex-wife, she originally left the marriage, uh, coming upon two years now. Uh, we have two daughters, um, right now, they're both, uh, they'll be four and eight this year. Um, the thing I'm still struggling a lot with is the fact that we have fifty-fifty custody and I'm, I'm having a hard time with the fact still of just being separated from my daughters. I still hold a lot of anger towards that part of it. Um, I mean, their mom, she stepped out, she had an affair and all of that.

• 24:16Speaker 02

  And that, okay, I got over it, it is what it is, it happened. But, uh, it's just the fact of being separated from my daughters, knowing that they're still so young and the rest of their childhood, I can only be a part of their lives to the extent of the time.

• 24:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  So I don't wanna live with this kind of feeling that pit in my stomach the rest of my life. I wanna get to a place where I can be okay. Um, but it's been a couple of years now and I still hold that anger and just that feeling that pit in my stomach that I just can't seem to get over.

• 24:50Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I got two things off the top of my head here, but I'm gonna go backwards. The first thing is, I'll just sit with you for a second, man. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how anybody who splits custody does it.

• 25:07Dr. John Delony?

  Cause my life's just not complete when my kids aren't around. You know what I mean?

• 25:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  And they drive me crazy and we get on each other's nerves and it's loud and messy and, but, but dude, my life's not complete. So I, dude, I'm, I'm sitting here with you, just as a fellow dad. I can't, I can't imagine that kind of, I can't imagine that pain.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:28Dr. John Delony?

  And then you throw in, is she dating again, probably?

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, she she's with the guy that she had an affair with.

• 25:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, basically, as soon as she left, she moved right in with him.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  My girls didn't know this guy. And and I guess to kind of throw another layer onto that is, you know, how do I even get okay with another guy being kind of another father figure in their lives?

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  I struggle with that, too. Um.

• 25:59Dr. John Delony?

  Well, let's get.

• 25:59Speaker 02

  Tommy, you know, it's just.

• 26:00Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead.

• 26:02Speaker 02

  I just, yeah, I was just gonna say, you know, going over the last two years, people say it's just a new normal. You get used to it, but it is nothing no more about it. So it's like, how do you get used to something like that?

• 26:16Dr. John Delony?

  All right, here's the first thing that is just sitting on my chest and I want to say it and tell me if I'm wrong. Okay?

• 26:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:23Dr. John Delony?

  Um. The pain that you feel for missing your daughters, dude, that's visceral. And just as, like I said, as a dad, I can't even, I can't wrap my head around how painful that that would be. But I don't think that's where your anger comes from.

• 26:39Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 26:40Dr. John Delony?

  The way you've mentioned this a few times,

• 26:44Dr. John Delony?

  I think your anger is in a in a laser beam on your ex-wife. I still think you can't figure out what you did wrong that she left you. I still think you're back there two years ago going, you you're cheating on me like what?

• 27:02Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 27:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're living with the reality that you don't get to see your daughters half the time. Can't imagine that.

• 27:10Dr. John Delony?

  But I think I think the source, the epicenter of your hurt is that you still haven't metabolized the fact that your marriage is over.

• 27:22Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you're still living in that marriage.

• 27:27Dr. John Delony?

  And she still controls your thoughts. She still controls is one of the first people you think of during the day when you wake up. Like you're so angry.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:38Dr. John Delony?

  And you're stuck in the grief that she blew up y'all's life.

• 27:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  And until you grieve, brother, that your marriage period at the end of it is over,

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  it's just gonna, you're gonna constantly be, have a nuclear reactor in the middle of your chest. And you can then go around and cast stories on other situations in your life, other pain points. Not getting to see your daughters, this scumbag who like hooked up with a married woman and then now she, now she's with him, right? You can cast other people in your life as the villains. And there's, there's truth to that. But I think the real hurt here, man, is you haven't gone through the full grief cycle of you lost your marriage. You never considered yourself to be a single dad. You never considered you would have to say, hi, I'm Jay, I'm divorced.

• 28:34Dr. John Delony?

  Does that ring true? Tell me if I'm out to lunch, man.

• 28:37Speaker 02

  No, I, I think you're, you're hitting it on the head pretty well there. Um, I mean, I know, I guess I can kind of agree with that because even just dealing with their mom, I, I still get anxious.

• 28:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's it.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  I tense up. Um, I, I hate having to have any kind of communication with her, um, seeing.

• 28:59Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that. Is it because you're enraged with her or the layer beneath that is you're still wondering what's so bad about you?

• 29:09Speaker 02

  I think it comes from so during the time, um, pilot, the first year, um, of us being separated, she was back and forth with this guy quite a bit.

• 29:20Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  And when she wasn't with him, we were able to be, to be cordial and, you know, talk through things. When she was with him, I was the enemy. Uh, they, they did a lot to just disrespect me as our girl's father. Um, belated me as her father's more him.

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  Give me an example.

• 29:46Speaker 02

  Um, so, uh, there was one instance where one of my daughters had pneumonia. She had to stay overnight at the hospital. Um, and so I let the staff there know, hey, the mom's coming with this guy. Just so you know, he and I, we don't get along. Um, it's best to keep us separate or whatever. And so they were not.

• 30:09Dr. John Delony?

  Let me stop right there. Why would you feel the need to preface that?

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Because he always has to make comments towards me.

• 30:17Dr. John Delony?

  Like what?

• 30:19Speaker 02

  Um, like, for instance, like when this happened, um, and then when I spoke with him, um, he, he ca- he could still see me and, uh, he was like, thanks for, thanks for that, not allowing me to come in the room right now. I was like, you're not their dad.

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  He goes, I am their, I am their dad. It was, it was what his response was.

• 30:42Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, okay.

• 30:44Speaker 02

  So things like that, just to try to dig it even further. Um.

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  So let me ask you, th- this is a hard question.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  But like it or not, he's a man that your daughter spent 50% of their life with.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:02Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the power play on display at a hospital when you have a little girl there and laying there in the hospital with pneumonia that you wouldn't be able to just suck your pride and bury it for a second and let all three of y'all in the room to be with this little girl?

• 31:20Speaker 02

  Um, I guess of the anxiety that I get when I was around them during that time.

• 31:25Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  Um, there was other stuff that's happened up until then. Um, so it, like, before all this happened, I was, I was never anxious for nothing. I was carefree.

• 31:36Dr. John Delony?

  No, but your life blew up. Your body now has a GPS pin and pain that you did not ever, y- you couldn't imagine. And here it is.

• 31:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:44Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Right. Yeah.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so your body's right, your anxiousness is right. Now you know somebody who says I do might stab you right in the face.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  Now you know a love that you didn't know you were capable of with two beautiful little girls and then you only get to see them half the time. You didn't know that kind of pain.

• 32:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so your anxiousness is right. But I think it's because your body is still trying to solve for what was instead of owning reality, choosing what is.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Right.

• 32:17Dr. John Delony?

  And it's solving that anxiety.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, and that's where I'm stuck.

• 32:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  I don't know how to...

• 32:25Dr. John Delony?

  I got you there. I'm gonna send you Building a Non-Anxious Life, my book, for free, okay? It's gonna be my gift to you.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 32:31Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 32:32Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I'm gonna hook you up with that. I'm also gonna hook you up with three months free from my friends at BetterHelp, licensed therapists. You can, you can check them out online at your computer at your house, okay?

• 32:42Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'll hook you up with that. And you can call them and just begin to walk through some of this stuff. But here's the big thing I want you to do. Do you have a couple of boys that live there with you in Florida? Some men that you trust?

• 32:54Speaker 02

  I do, yeah.

• 32:56Dr. John Delony?

  This is gonna sound ridiculous. And you can say, "This idiot podcaster told me to do this," and so I'm gonna give it a shot. I want you to have them over to your house. And I want you to have a miniature funeral for your marriage.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? This is you pronouncing it in front of a couple of other people. This is over.

• 33:24Dr. John Delony?

  And if you wanna take a step further, this old Terry Real move, which I love, get a picture of your ex-wife and get a picture of her new boyfriend. And frame them and put them at your kitchen table.

• 33:39Dr. John Delony?

  And every time you're mad, look over and say, "I'm gonna choose to have less of a relationship with my daughter to honor you two.

• 33:49Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna let y'all continue to ruin my evenings, keep me out of the dating game, get frustrated all the time. I'm gonna honor you two." And then really quickly, you're gonna see how ridiculous that is.

• 34:01Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Or keep a picture of your ex-wife up just at the dinner table in a small little frame. And when you start to spin out, literally lean over and put the picture face down and say, "You don't get a vote anymore."

• 34:18Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're gonna have to teach your body because it's still trying to protect you. It still thinks it can hold on to this marriage.

• 34:26Dr. John Delony?

  It's over.

• 34:29Dr. John Delony?

  And now you have to, and hopefully she does too, and hopefully this other guy does too. Y'all are gonna have to enter into adulthood. Which means I'm gonna put the needs of our kids ahead of my ego, of my anxiousness, of my whatever. Right. And you want me to tell you something crazy? Now, I don't know all the ins and outs, so you can decide for yourself if this is dumb.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  But if you were to call this guy and say, "Hey, you mind grabbing a cup of coffee with me?"

• 35:05Dr. John Delony?

  And saying, "At the hospital, I was wrong."

• 35:09Dr. John Delony?

  I know you see her 50% of the time. I'm their dad. It makes me uncomfortable when you say that. I don't like it. I'm their dad. But also, I know you care about my daughters too.

• 35:23Dr. John Delony?

  And that won't happen again. If they go to the hospital, we're all gonna be there because we're the three adults in their life, like it or not. That's the way this is.

• 35:32Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And that olive branch, he may take that olive branch from you and stab you with it, maybe.

• 35:41Dr. John Delony?

  Or he may take that olive branch from you and just exhale. And if you say, "I wanna do what's best for these girls."

• 35:50Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And so I wanna trust you. I gotta know your name. You gotta be able to text me and say, "Hey, eight-year-old just started her period when she was 12 and mom's struggling with it. Just know." We gotta be able to text each other, or some boys around here, you know, trying to talk to her, just FYI. Y'all gotta be able to do that for her. Right. And he may tell you to go to hell, dude. But at least you know I did the right adult thing for my kids.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I've actually had thoughts about just saying, hey, let's bury the hatchet. What happened, happened, um, and kind of move on from there.

• 36:35Dr. John Delony?

  But if you've been an anxious mess, fighting the whole way, and by the way, he only, only has an earful of how evil you are and how dumb you are from her.

• 36:45Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:45Dr. John Delony?

  And she has shown the world what kind of character and integrity she has, none, right?

• 36:50Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:50Dr. John Delony?

  And so, you've dated people in the past who was like, my ex-boyfriend was this and this and this.

• 36:58Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe, you got one side of that story.

• 37:02Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I, calling him and saying, hey, let's bury the hatchet, that's a step,

• 37:08Dr. John Delony?

  a, a, a better path towards connecting, because this guy's gonna be in your kid's life a lot, is starting with, hey, I was wrong. I messed this up.

• 37:19Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:19Dr. John Delony?

  And if you get to a point in that conversation, you can say, bro, you slept with my wife. Like, of course, this is hard. Right?

• 37:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:29Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, it's just putting it on the table. He knows it, you know it. Not saying it doesn't make it go away.

• 37:36Dr. John Delony?

  And then maybe putting it out there, hey, only seeing my girls 50% of the time is like, guts me.

• 37:43Dr. John Delony?

  But you're not able to move to sad yet, because you're still so mad. And you're still so mad, because I think you're still hanging on to this marriage in a weird way.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  Right, yeah. I mean, I'm, I, I do feel like,

• 38:00Speaker 02

  like, if she was trying to come back, I wouldn't, um...

• 38:03Dr. John Delony?

  You think about it.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, I only say that because she, within the first nine months of her being back with this guy, I took her back twice.

• 38:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:14Speaker 02

  At about six or seven times. And to only for her to take off again.

• 38:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  And, um, so, you know, I, I told myself, you know, I would never do that. And just seeing how heartbroken my older daughter was when she did it again, I was like, I would, I'd never put him...

• 38:30Dr. John Delony?

  That's right, that's right. And, and, and that, and I, I, I mean, I don't, I can't tell you whether to take her back or not. My, my gut says, I don't know why you would. But a lot of that, even that circular thinking, that circular conversation is because you haven't fully ended it yet.

• 38:46Dr. John Delony?

  And to you, she's still like a prodigal wife. You still are waiting for her to come home every night. And even though you're like, I'm not gonna take her back, but you kind of wish you would, right? So it's just metabolizing this, this thing happened and that marriage is over. Even if y'all got back together someday, y'all are building a totally new thing.

• 39:06Dr. John Delony?

  A new thing that she may leave, she may sleep with one of your friends, she may like, who knows? Right? And you may turn into an anxious wreck and get, let your ego speak for you. So all this to say is get a couple of friends over and let's exhale on this marriage. And let's make a conscious decision and it's gonna take some practice, 60, 90, 120 days, two, three, four months. She doesn't get a vote. I'm not waking up thinking about her every minute of every day. I'm just not. I'm gonna call this other man who's 50% of my daughter's waking moments are with him. And I'm gonna bury my ego in the backyard and we're gonna do its best. I'm gonna start by saying that was a bad call on my part, dude. That was me just uncomfortable and I shouldn't have done that in the hospital. That won't happen again.

• 39:53Dr. John Delony?

  And please understand, I'm trying my best to navigate this with you. You slept with my wife for crying out loud, it's hard for me, but I'm doing the best thing for these girls. And we gotta be able to text back and forth for their sake. Cause they need one continuous stream. And is this pie in the sky? Of course it is.

• 40:11Dr. John Delony?

  If most people could be this emotionally mature, they would get divorced in the first place. But here we are. And all we can do is the next right thing. And for you, I think the next right thing is grieving this marriage and then

• 40:25Dr. John Delony?

  taking that next step forward. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm really grateful. Holler at me if y'all have that call. That would be rad. And by the way, you know what I've never had on the show? I've never had, um, a bio dad and a stepdad call together and say, how do we best honor these kids? I'll take that call every single day. So if y'all wanna do that, that would be amazing. Reach out to Kelly and we would make that one happen, my brother. That'd be cool. Also know that's probably not gonna happen, but man, I would love for it to. When we come back, we talk to a woman who's trying to figure out with her teenage son about sleepovers. Stay tuned.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. Y'all have all heard me say, "I love sleeping in a cold, cold room, and my wife would prefer to sleep under one of those hot dog heat lamps at the baseball stadium." This is one of the many reasons why we both love our Cozy Earth sheets. Cozy Earth sheets help us each sleep at the perfect temperature, and they're soft, and they're breathable, and they keep us comfortable all night long. And because they want all of you to sleep great every night, you should all know that not all sheets are created equal. I had no idea. Just like everything else, there's a range of quality, from terrible sheets that feel like you're sleeping on an old paper towel, to amazing sheets that make getting into bed feel great.

• 41:51Dr. John Delony?

  Cozy Earth crafts their sheets out of viscose from bamboo. These are special fabrics and fibers that are amazing at regulating temperature and wicking moisture away while you sleep. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. Plus, Cozy Earth goes to great lengths to verify their materials are responsibly sourced, so you can feel good about how you sleep and how your sheets are made. And remember, Cozy Earth's spring into comfort sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. Forty percent off all products. That's forty percent off. Visit cozylearth.com/daloni and use code DALONI for forty percent off. That's C-O-Z-Y.

• 42:36Dr. John Delony?

  CozyEarth.com/daloni.

• 42:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Boise, Idaho and talk to Annie. What's up, Annie?

• 42:45Speaker 03

  Oh, not much. How are you?

• 42:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. What's going on in your world?

• 42:48Speaker 03

  Good, good. Well, not much. Advice from you.

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. What's up?

• 42:55Speaker 03

  All right, so how can we manage our son's frustration while standing firm on our no sleepover rule?

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  No sleepover rule. Okay, how old's your son?

• 43:06Speaker 03

  Um, he is twelve, yeah, almost thirteen.

• 43:11Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to applaud your stance on no sleepovers. There's literature that exists about the increased sexual predator, like just madness. There's also anecdotally, I just can't tell you the number of people who had incidents at sleepovers.

• 43:33Dr. John Delony?

  Like, our team was talking before this call just about sleepovers and everybody's got stories, all of us, right? So I'm 100% behind you. I think no sleepover rule is fantastic. And we'll get into a little bit of the downstream stuff, but I want to answer your big question up front. You cannot manage the frustration of a 12-year-old. You can't. And to try to do that is futile.

• 44:00Dr. John Delony?

  What you can say every single day of his life is, "My job is to keep you safe and my job is to love you."

• 44:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:07Dr. John Delony?

  And that comes with some of these hard decisions. And I always give my kids permission to tell their friends that their dad's a moron, outdated idiot. I don't need him, I always felt the need, and my dad never said this explicitly, but I always felt the need to protect my parents when they gave me these, what I thought at the time were crazy boundaries with my 13 or 14-year-old brain.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want my kids to ever feel like they have to protect me.

• 44:36Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So tell your friends, "Your dad's the worst. Your dad's lame." That's no skin off my nose.

• 44:43Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 44:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:44Dr. John Delony?

  And then occasionally, maybe your house becomes the sleepover house.

• 44:51Dr. John Delony?

  But that's a conversation for after 12.

• 44:54Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, we've had those conversations where we are, we are totally open to the sleepovers at our house, but that kind of makes me feel a little hypocritical.

• 45:07Dr. John Delony?

  The concept isn't, isn't sleepover.

• 45:11Dr. John Delony?

  The concept is environment.

• 45:14Speaker 03

  Right, it's our values.

• 45:15Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. And so I can tell you, like, when we used to let my kid go over to, like, we'll come pick you up at midnight, or pick you up at 1 a.m.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, yep.

• 45:24Dr. John Delony?

  Like, make no mistake, awkward or not, my wife was calling, and only because I was at work, my wife would call and say, "Hey, my kid can go over there, but there can't be any phones. No kids can have phones."

• 45:35Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 45:36Dr. John Delony?

  And can I tell you something crazy? Oh, this is just this limited friend group, 100% of them took up all the phones when the kids came over. They all, they just did it. And if they were like, "Well, then your kid can't come over," then great. I don't want my kid over there anyway.

• 45:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  But they did that. And, "Hey, my kid isn't watching these kind of movies." Awesome, done. Next, right? And so it was all, um, it was super good. And I'm gonna tell you, uh, maybe 13, I don't remember exactly when, um, but I've allowed it. I've allowed it twice.

• 46:10Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and it was with a family that I trust implicitly. It was with a family that, um, has the same electronics rule. And here's the bigger one. It was a family where most people get mistaken on, on where things happen at sleepovers, is often it's not the, the parents, and it's not the kid. And it's not the kid they're sleeping over with. It's that kid's older brother or sister who has a friend over, right?

• 46:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  That's what we get.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  I'm laughing because that's exactly, you know, we know the dangers, we know it, it's, yeah, it's the friend that comes over that we don't know who has a smartphone and we, you know, when the parents go to sleep at night, like, does the smartphone get taken out? What's my kid being exposed to?

• 47:00Dr. John Delony?

  Or worse, "Hey, let's play a game."

• 47:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:04Dr. John Delony?

  And that friend's 17 and your kid's 12.

• 47:06Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 47:07Dr. John Delony?

  "Let's play a game." And now we're in a big mess. Mm hmm. Right? So I don't feel any sort of hypocrisy. Number one, I, again, this is easy for me to say, right? Um, if other parents don't like me, I'm, I'm okay with that. I have my friends, or if they don't understand me, I, if they want to ask me, I'll be happy to explain it. But I have no problem saying, yeah, as for me and my house, we don't do X, Y, and Z. And by the way, most of my friends give their kids smartphones and they know my stance on smartphones. Every friend I have has a credit card and they know that I don't, I opted out of the credit system. Right? Mm hmm. Yeah.

• 47:49Dr. John Delony?

  Every friend I have is a Ford family and I drive Toyota. Right? So like, um, I was just saying in another episode, um, my, one of my best friends on the planet is a banker. And other than this show, I co-host a show about getting people out of debt. Every day I go to work trying to get people to not use my best friend's business. And every day he goes to work and tries to convince people that I'm a goofball. And we still love each other, right? So I, I don't feel like I need to explain my values. I will if somebody asks about them, but if you don't like my values and you're so dumb and that's super great. I'm not going to sleep over you. You don't get a vote in my life.

• 48:30Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and so one of my values for my kids is I want them in not, um, not risky situations. When people, when, when we do have sleepovers at our house, dude, they're out in the woods. I don't know where they are. I know they're not in a city playing, playing, uh, playing chicken in the middle of the highway like I used to. But I know they're in the woods and they're probably playing some form of chicken because that's what they do. But it's probably, I bet you won't jump in that huge hole in that creek or whatever. I'm okay with a broken leg. I'm not okay with a kid getting blasted across the highway. Right? You get what I'm saying? So like, I'm not about not taking risks. I'll see them climbing trees or sword fighting each other with crazy. Like, I'm not about that. I'm all about that.

• 49:14Dr. John Delony?

  This is going to sound crazy. I think kids need more broken hands and fingers and arms. Like they're not, they're not risking anything. It's, it's that I will and control the safety environment.

• 49:25Dr. John Delony?

  And that's for me. And so as for me and my house, um, I know that when people are at my house, they don't have access to the wifi and they won't have access to smartphones. And I know that there's not going to be some buddies, friends, other brothers, sisters, cousins show up that suddenly says, hey, y'all want to play a game?

• 49:45Dr. John Delony?

  I can't control that.

• 49:48Dr. John Delony?

  And over time, if there's one or two families or three families that you begin to trust there, I'm all cool with that.

• 49:55Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, we do have an exception where, you know, we don't have family close by. And so we have, you know, a family at church that we share the same values and we have let both of our boys go over and stay at their house. And that's always, that's mostly for us. Like if there's ever an emergency where they need to stay somewhere, they feel comfortable there.

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 50:16Speaker 03

  Um, so we have that exception.

• 50:18Dr. John Delony?

  And it can be fun too. It can be fun too, right? It can be fun too. But it's kind of like when your kid turns like 13, 14, I don't know. I don't want to become the movie police. But I let my, my 14 year old and I, we watched, um, Tombstone the other night.

• 50:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's one of the greatest movies ever. And that doesn't mean that he gets to watch every rated R movie that ever went out there.

• 50:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:45Dr. John Delony?

  I get to curate it. I'm his dad.

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, um, all I'd say is you don't owe an apology to anybody. Your 12 year old is supposed, if, let me, let me say this as boldly as I can. If your 12 year old likes you all the time, you're probably not parenting well.

• 51:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, true.

• 51:05Dr. John Delony?

  Right? The, the research says firm parenting with love.

• 51:11Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  I will hold very firm boundaries, very high expectations, and you will always know that I love you to the end of time.

• 51:21Dr. John Delony?

  Overly permissive parents destroy their kids. Overly critical, overly strict parents with no connection or love destroy their kids. It's the one in the middle.

• 51:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:37Dr. John Delony?

  But I can't give you, I can't give you any peace on your 12-year-old getting mad and going to bed.

• 51:44Dr. John Delony?

  Especially when he, when he says this, tell me he says this.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm not gonna have any friends, nobody calls me anymore because I can't do anything. You guys are keeping me from having any sort of friends and I'm lonely," all that.

• 51:58Speaker 03

  Uh huh, yeah, yeah. We've compromised where we will let him go when it's a weekend and his buddies are together and we'll go and pick him up at, like you said, 11 o'clock at night and he just gets frustrated that we're taking him from and yeah, we're just, we're so firm and really wanting to stick to our guns on protecting him, so.

• 52:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I don't know if protecting, I guess that, I guess that's the right word. For some reason, when you said that, it rubs me the wrong way. I don't know that it's protecting them as much as it's my job to make sure they remain as much as possible in environments where they can make successful choices.

• 52:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want to, my goal isn't to make all the choices for my kids. My goal is, especially when they're younger, and of course, this increasingly opens up as they get older. I want to make sure that I'm curating environments where they, if they make a wrong choice, it ends in a broken arm, not a pregnancy. It ends in somebody, I don't know, falling out of a tree and breaking their foot or their ankle and not them having to go see a sexual abuse counselor 15 years later.

• 53:24Dr. John Delony?

  Or seeing things in their mind that they can never unsee.

• 53:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:29Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So I'm not gonna pick the movie for them, but I'm gonna make sure that I, it's like, it's like Vordi or for jury selection. I'm not gonna pick the movie I'll watch, but I'm gonna get rid of these because you're not watching those. Right? So I just want to give them environments where they can make successful choices and after 11 o'clock, I mean, really? The only thing to do is to watch a movie you're not supposed to watch or stay up so late that you're useless the next day.

• 53:57Dr. John Delony?

  You're 12. You know what I mean?

• 53:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:59Dr. John Delony?

  When you're in college, make those choices. Knock your lights out.

• 54:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, for sure.

• 54:03Dr. John Delony?

  So, I think you're on the right path. You've got my stamp of approval. You're a good mom, a good dad. Stick to your guns.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  Awesome. Thank you.

• 54:10Dr. John Delony?

  And when your kid doesn't like you, I think it's fair to say, "I know this is the worst." I know it. It's the worst.

• 54:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:18Dr. John Delony?

  And you are right to be frustrated with us, and you are right to feel like we're taking away everything. I totally get that. Feel free to tell your friends that we're the worst, but my job is to keep you safe and put you in positions where you can make the best choices.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  Yep. I like that.

• 54:32Dr. John Delony?

  You don't love me. You're okay. Right?

• 54:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 54:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll leave you with this. I won't say which kid, because I think some of my kids, both of my kids are getting old enough now where their friends are like, "Is your dad on it?" Right. But my wife and I took a long walk the other night.

• 54:53Dr. John Delony?

  And it was a bummer, because we have to hold, we were doing something pretty cool, and we've got to hold one of our kids accountable, which means we have a really cool thing planned, and they're not going to be able to do it.

• 55:07Dr. John Delony?

  And it actually bums us out, because doing it with them would have been the best.

• 55:13Dr. John Delony?

  And my wife was Dr. Deloney long before me. She's been, she's a maestro with K-12 kids, and I do this for a living. And we still had to walk around the neighborhood for a couple of miles, just both talking out loud, but we were really circling grief. I don't want to hold him accountable. I don't want to hold her accountable. I just want to blow it off.

• 55:38Dr. John Delony?

  And that would be dishonoring and not loving my son and my daughter. Right?

• 55:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 55:44Dr. John Delony?

  So just know, it's never going to feel good.

• 55:49Dr. John Delony?

  But often, doing the right thing doesn't feel good, but we do it because it's right. So, high five to you, Annie. And parents, if you're like, "Oh, it's, who cares? Just sleep over." Times have changed. Times have changed. We'll be right back.

• 56:07Dr. John Delony?

  Hey, here's a quick word about the best mattresses in the world: Helix. Spring is here, and that means the darkness and the cold are finally lifting, and we can get back into the swing of life. Spring break, summer plans, I feel like I'm coming back alive. So, let's all reset. Most of us have already blown our resolutions, and so let's reset and make today day one for a great year. And at the top of the list of the reset? Great sleep. Great sleep is the foundation for everything in our lives, and this is where my friends at Helix come in. I've slept on everything: cheap mattresses, bad hotel mattresses, hunting camp sleep pads, overpriced mattresses, you name it. But when I switched to my Helix mattress,

• 56:52Dr. John Delony?

  literally, everything changed. I fall asleep faster, I sleep deeper, and I wake up feeling restored, rested, and ready to go. And because every person is different, Helix has a mattress designed for everyone: side sleepers, back sleepers, you sleep hot, does your spine need a little extra care? Whatever it is, they've got you covered. Take the Helix Sleep Quiz in just two minutes, and you'll find the perfect mattress for you. And Helix will give you 100 nights to try it out risk-free. And right now, my audience gets 27% off sitewide plus a free bedding bundle with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com/daloni right now. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here on this show.

• 57:36Dr. John Delony?

  That's helixsleep, H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P. helixsleep.com/daloni. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 57:48Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back for a money and marriage question. These are questions that were people submitted for the Money and Marriage Retreat. We just got back from a cruise. A big chunk of us, me and my network colleagues, went out, and Rachel Cruz and I did a version of Money and Marriage on a cruise ship. It was awesome, man. But here is a money and marriage question. This is a real question that somebody submitted.

• 58:19Dr. John Delony?

  Is there such thing as having too much sex?

• 58:26Dr. John Delony?

  No. Ta-da.

• 58:31Dr. John Delony?

  Feel like I nailed that one. Feel like I just crushed it.

• 58:35Speaker 04

  You are brilliant.

• 58:37Dr. John Delony?

  If you're having sex that you don't want to be having, that's a problem. If you're having sex in a marriage and you're being coerced, or your partner says you have to, or the Bible says you have to, or I get what I... That's a problem.

• 58:56Dr. John Delony?

  But if you two are like, again today? Yup. Wanna go for three? Yup. Rock on to the break of dawn.

• 59:07Dr. John Delony?

  Does that sound right, Kelly?

• 59:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, it sounds great. As long as you're not being coerced, or trying to...

• 59:17Speaker 04

  Everything I say sounds inappropriate here, but you're trying to substitute that for something else that is a problem.

• 59:23Dr. John Delony?

  You're using sex as a Xanax?

• 59:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:27Dr. John Delony?

  Or is it a way to keep somebody at bay? Or to keep somebody from bothering you?

• 59:30Speaker 04

  Right, or solving a problem, you know, band-aiding over a problem. But otherwise, bring it.

• 59:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, there's a lot of talk in the sex and relationships literature about the orgasm gap.

• 59:45Dr. John Delony?

  That I think it's 40% for women and 90% or something higher for men. I haven't looked at it in a minute. But whenever I teach this, I always go back to, if you ate at a restaurant, and it was only good 40% of the time, you would not look forward to going. Six out of 10 times, the restaurant wasn't good. You wouldn't go. If the restaurant was great 90% of the time, and it was fine that other time, you would go all the time. And so, sometimes when it comes to...

• 1:00:16Dr. John Delony?

  If we're having too much sex, it's people have figured out that orgasm gap. And people have figured out like, oh, if we work together on this deal, this could be amazing. So, no. And by the way,

• 1:00:29Dr. John Delony?

  outside of a sexless marriage where there is a gap between desire, where people are not having the conversations, and one person's weaponizing sex.

• 1:00:38Dr. John Delony?

  I would go as far as to say, if you are intimate, meaning you're connected, you have skin-on-skin time, if y'all are proximal, you're sitting, you sit by each other, you nuzzle up to each other on the couch, I would also say, there doesn't have to be a floor on a bare minimum of sex you need to be having, if you both are saying, "No, no, no, this is, this is the world that we want, and this is the one that we are co-creating." Where it gets to be a problem is when there's mixed-match desire, but on its face, is there such a thing as having too much sex? Nope. If y'all are both in, both consenting, and both ready to rock on till the break of dawn, rock on till the break of dawn. That's it. Money, marriage, come see us in November.

• 1:01:21Dr. John Delony?

  If you're wondering, yes, we talk about this and so, so, so much more. Have a conversation with your partner about sex. What do you like? What do you not like? Do we have enough? Are we having it too much? What's one thing you want to try? What's one thing that makes you nervous? How can I love you more? I feel like you're coercing me. I feel like I have to. I feel like this is a duty. Those are some good conversation starters. Love you guys, bye.