Moment 108 - This Powerful Tool Can Change Your Life: Africa Brooke

In this moment Africa Brooke discusses the importance of accountability and how taking responsibility is the opposite of self-sabotage. From her own past experiences, Africa knows that it is all too easy to externalise and place the blame outside of yourself. This is a way of avoiding self reflecting and truly examining the role you play in the decisions and negative outcomes in your life. However, the opposite is also true that we always have the ability and power to change even the smallest part of our circumstances for the better. Listen to the full episode here -https://g2ul0.app.link/m3QAsHUn6tb Africa: https://africabrooke.com https://www.instagram.com/africabrooke/?hl=en Watch the Episodes On Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Steven Bartlett?

  Speaking of controversial topics, one of the things that's become surprisingly controversial over the last couple of years is, and probably for a little while longer, since the 17th century, is this idea of accountability, which to me seems like much of the antidote to self-sabotage. It's like taking personal responsibility for your life and your situation. I've heard you talk about this. I actually think this was the first, the first, one of your first videos that caught my attention was you talking about taking responsibility in a really, you know, a fairly direct way. So tell me how taking responsibility, what that means to you, but how that helped you to rise out of that phase you had from 14 to 24.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, it was huge. It was huge. And it had to be one of the first things that I did. Actually, as I, as I think about this and sort of speak out loud, I think what allowed me to get and stay sober that eighth and final time was taking personal responsibility. I think all of the other times I had wanted to place blame on a lot of things outside of me. So my dad would have been the easiest person because he was an alcoholic and because of his abuse and because of everything we experienced and because of the instability, because of coming to a new country, moving to a part of the UK where just me, my sister and Curtis are the only black kids, the adversity I experienced from that. So I think there

• 1:27Speaker 01

  were so many ways that I could externalize, right? But I think the moment that I was able to say, okay, well, Africa, what part did you have to play in this? So you've experienced all of this adversity. What now? What fucking now? No one else can do it for you. And I think that helped me so much. And another thing that I had to do, which is a part of that responsibility and accountability, was making amends. So

• 1:54Speaker 01

  People that have followed the twelve step program, for example, will know that making amends is a huge part of it. I didn't follow the twelve step program. I.

• 2:01Steven Bartlett?

  What's the twelve step program?

• 2:02Speaker 01

  So twelve step is A A, essentially Alcoholics Anonymous. You go through a process, a twelve step process of accountability, essentially. And one of those steps is making amends, reaching out to the people that you've harmed and making amends. And that's what I had to do. And I I really did that. And there was a lot of shame, there was a lot of guilt, there were a lot of people that didn't want to hear it. But there were a lot of people that were very grateful that even after all of these years, I'm coming to them and acknowledging something that I did or played a part in. And only then could I actually move forward with my sobriety, knowing that I am responsible.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Yes, I've experienced a lot of adversity, but I am the one that gets to decide what now. So fast forward to finding ourselves in a culture where even just conversations around personal responsibility are have been politicized, because I've noticed they're labeled as right wing. The moment, isn't that weird?

• 3:02Steven Bartlett?

  It's mad. It's mad.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  Isn't that crazy? The moment you say, you do realize there is a lot in your life that you can control. You're called a bigot.

• 3:17Steven Bartlett?

  I'm a I'm a puppet and I'm a victim. And there's nothing I can control.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  It's.

• 3:22Steven Bartlett?

  And it's that political party that did this.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:25Steven Bartlett?

  So just.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  And that, that is unfollowed, unfollowed.

• 3:33Steven Bartlett?

  It's fucking crazy.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  It's mad. And I think I've, I speak to my family and my friends about all of these things quite a lot, actually. And because I'm still very much in touch with everyone back home in Zimbabwe, and because I have that perspective. When I compared to that part of the world, to the Western world, it this just seems like a completely different world, like some kind of show. It it can't be real that people can get upset to know that there are things in your life that you can control. Yes, you might have experienced X, Y and Z, but you are responsible for how you move forward. Yes, there might be other components. Maybe it is the system, maybe it is your familial environment, whatever the details might be.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  But there are also things within your control. The fact that people can. Label that as being bigoted the moment you say, I, I just.

• 4:28Steven Bartlett?

  Wouldn't you want that to be the case? Wouldn't you want to have things that you can control? The thought of being powerless.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:33Steven Bartlett?

  To my circumstances is the most terrifying thing in the world. You know, being, being a, being a, being, that's why I refer to it as a puppet, that someone else is pulling these strings.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Right.

• 4:43Steven Bartlett?

  And I have, I'm powerless to my situation. So I think it's, I find it empowering and liberating to say, do you know what? There is a lot of things I can control. Yes, I'm, I'm broke or yes, I'm in this situation, but there are, there's something that I can do.

• 4:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:54Steven Bartlett?

  And I, I have to also express the nuance that you did, which is there are a lot of people that are, um, that are disabled. There are a lot of people that have found themselves in horrifically unfortunate circumstances through no fault of their own.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 5:07Steven Bartlett?

  But I find it really important for my sanity of mind and my optimism for the future to know that there is something. Often there is something that I can do to change my situation.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 5:17Steven Bartlett?

  That's a controversial idea.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Imagine that. Would you have thought that?

• 5:22Steven Bartlett?

  The people typing out at you.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  Is it for you to say?

• 5:26Steven Bartlett?

  Rich motherfucker with his cones.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  What, what, what, what is it though? Do you, do you think you know what that is?

• 5:33Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah, because it holds a mirror up to you. It makes you feel like, for some people, and I think it was for me at some point as well, holding that mirror up and saying, do you know what? I might have had part to play in this and I'm actually, I ha, I can have a part in getting out of the situation. For some people is an evidence of their inadequacy, that they just don't have the self-esteem to confront. So it's easier to blame. Blame is a nice, a nice shield. It's a nice way to deflect the attack against my already fragile self-esteem. I would do that, of course, when I was younger and someone might point at something. Blame was a way for you not to hit me in the self-esteem. It was a way of saying, no, no, no, no, no, that's not because I'm inadequate or because I'm not capable or I'm not smart or because I'm not working hard. It's because of this other thing. And so leave me alone.

• 6:18Steven Bartlett?

  Africa blocked.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:20Steven Bartlett?

  It's like, do you know what I mean? That's, that's my analysis of it often is it's for some people, it's, it's looking, it's a. It feels like evidence of their inadequacy.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:31Steven Bartlett?

  And why would someone not like that? Well, because it makes you feel like shit.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I I think because we're also being encouraged, especially the younger generation, who I really now more than ever want to make more of an effort to really speak directly to them. It's because I think we're we're sort of training each other to not prioritize emotional resilience. Because along with personal responsibility, resilience is also another controversial word. You know, this this idea that you can build a strong foundation within yourself, that even if something happens externally outside of you, you are able to deal with it. You don't have to go into that deep, dark place and think that is it, full stop.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  So I think because most people are not emotionally resilient and are not nurturing and sort of cultivating that within themselves, it continues that cycle where you just end up in perpetual victimhood. And then we are in a culture that rewards victims, you know. And I I think self-correction there, actually, and I want to make this very clear, that there is a very real difference between being a victim, someone who has genuinely been victimized, and making victimhood an identity. There's a there's a huge difference between the two. But I think when you start to make victimhood an identity for anything and everything, that's when it might be time to actually hold a mirror up to yourself.

• 7:59Steven Bartlett?

  On that word resilience, I think the reason why resilience is, in part at least, why it's a controversial topic is because it kind of starts to merge into the lane of like mental health. And resilient people, when they think of resilience, they think of like, shut up and deal with it.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:16Steven Bartlett?

  You know what I mean?

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:16Steven Bartlett?

  And then that that acts in conflict to the narrative of like, express yourself, feel your emotions. It's okay to be not okay.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:25Steven Bartlett?

  So ta- talk to me about the distinction you make between those two things and your relationship with both.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  You know what? I guess this is where I would bring it back round. To holding those multiple truths. Because why do we think that we have to choose between one or the other? Why can't you be both emotionally resilient as an individual, as a being, and allow yourself to express yourself and allow yourself to be vulnerable? And allow yourself to have those real low moments that we all do. And I think both can coexist. It's really not one or the other.

• 8:55Steven Bartlett?

  So what is the opposite of resilience then?

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 9:01Speaker 01

  The word weakness comes to mind, but I don't know if that's accurate. I don't know if that's accurate to what.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  I'm not sure. But it's interesting because the word weakness comes to mind. And maybe a part of me, or even for someone listening, we,

• 9:23Speaker 01

  we think associating the word weak

• 9:27Speaker 01

  to yourself means there's something wrong with you, that it's a bad word. I think there's this idea that it's it's bad to be weak or it's not acceptable to be weak. But I think we all have moments of weakness. But I don't know if that would be the opposite of of resilience. What do you think?

• 9:44Steven Bartlett?

  Um, so if we're talking about emotional resilience, maybe the opposite is emotional, maybe fragility, maybe, I don't know.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  It's something within that realm, right? Yeah.

• 9:56Steven Bartlett?

  And the reason I I'm basically playing devil's advocate with myself to see if to see if it is two truths or if what we were describing earlier about being expressive and being in touch with your emotions. Is that being emotionally fragile? Or is that something else?

• 10:11Speaker 01

  I wonder if another word that's coming to mind for some reason, soft. I think it's both possible to be soft and whatever you would consider hard. Because just in very simple language, when I hear the word resilience, you have to be hard. There's something sort of, it's not necessarily stoic, but it but it's it's sort of that kind of language where you're really fully grounded in yourself. Your back is straight, you're internally up, you know. Whereas the other side of that is maybe, maybe there is an element of fragility, which is fine. I don't I don't think it's a bad thing, allowing yourself to be soft, allowing yourself to be, um, to not be as strong all of the time. So I I think.

• 10:52Steven Bartlett?

  It's interesting, because on one hand you're saying be resilient, but then also be the opposite of resilience.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:59Speaker 01

  But it can, you can be both.

• 11:01Steven Bartlett?

  There could also be context, right?

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:03Steven Bartlett?

  It can be context specific behaviour. So you can be resilient in the sense that when someone pelts abuse at you in your Instagram DMs, you have the resilience to not internalise that, not let it destroy your day or your mood and to move on. But then you can be, I guess, emotionally, you know, then your dog might die. I've got a lovely dog running around somewhere here.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:24Steven Bartlett?

  My dog might die and that is real cause for emotional expression and to be emotionally, to be soft and to be open and to feel.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 11:33Steven Bartlett?

  So maybe it's context specific behaviour.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  I think so. I think so. But again, I think they can both coexist.