Is My Boyfriend a Bad Parent?

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering if she should end her relationship A young man trying to care for his frat brothers A dad deciding if he should move his family in with his in-laws Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  So I have been dating a man who is divorced and he has three kids. I'm realizing that we have very different parenting styles and I am trying to figure out if this can work long term.

• 0:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so can I play the devil's advocate challenge game with you? Is that cool?

• 0:21Speaker 00

  Of course, I like that game.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your relationships, your life, your marriage, whatever you've got going on in your life. I'm here. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move. Thank you so much for being with us. Let's go out to Austin, Texas and talk to Jay. What's up, Jay? How we doing, man?

• 0:52Speaker 00

  I'm doing all right. How are you?

• 0:55Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. What's up?

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Um, so I, well, first, thank you for your show because I think you're awesome.

• 1:04Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you so much. That's literally, I've been talking to Kelly for the last 30 minutes. That's the nicest thing somebody has told me in a while, so thank you.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Um, so I have been dating a man who is divorced for about 10 months now and he has three kids. And I met the kids about six months ago or so. And as I'm spending more time with the kids than him and his parents, I'm realizing that we have very different parenting styles and I am trying to figure out the longevity of things and if this can work long term and how to move forward with that.

• 1:47Dr. John Delony?

  Good one. All right. Do you have kids too?

• 1:50Speaker 00

  I do not. So I was married for seven years. It was a traumatic.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  Marriage.

• 1:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  And I, because he turned out to be an addict and I was determined that I wasn't gonna have kids with him until he got clean. And he never did. So I do not have children, but I always wanted to be a mom.

• 2:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, um, A, I'm glad that you're safe, and B, I'm glad that you made the choices that you made. That's very wise. So, good on you. That's awesome.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 2:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so can I play the devil's advocate challenge game with you? Is that cool? Meaning...

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Of course. I like that game.

• 2:34Dr. John Delony?

  Can I poke at you a bit and then you, you challenge me back? Is that cool?

• 2:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:39Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So, I'm always fascinated by people who disagree with somebody doing a thing when they have never done that thing.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  That's fair.

• 2:51Dr. John Delony?

  Let me ask you, in that same vein, you have a guy who's got three kids, he's parenting them, and you say, "I've got different parenting styles," when you've never parented. Tell me about that.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  So, um, I'm a few classes away from a bachelor's degree in child development with a minor in psychology.

• 3:09Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, no! Y'all are the worst! Y'all are the worst!

• 3:14Speaker 00

  And I was in childcare for about 10 years.

• 3:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  So, I, I know I have never birthed a child, and know I've never been able to claim a child as mine, but I have been around children a lot, and I have disciplined and parented and all of the things. I'm very close to my nieces and nephews. I, you know, have babysat a lot with them and was a nanny for several years. So, I...

• 3:44Dr. John Delony?

  You have a lot of lived experience.

• 3:45Speaker 00

  Completely understand. I, I have a lot of, a lot more lived experience than I would say the quote-unquote "average" quote-unquote "set mom," which I am not as of yet, um, comes in and says, "Oh, well, you're doing it all wrong." And I don't think he's doing it all wrong. I just think there are a few things that... I disagree with like spanking.

• 4:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  I just don't feel like I can discipline in the same way as him. Like, I want to come in and support what he's doing, but I don't feel like I can do that.

• 4:14Dr. John Delony?

  So, give me a couple. So, A, great answer.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 4:18Dr. John Delony?

  Great answer. If you had just stopped with, "I'm getting a bachelor's degree in childhood development," I would have passed out. I just would have banged my head on the counter, honestly. Um, there's a, and you know this, I'm saying this to everybody out there, there's a huge difference between knowing about a thing and experiencing a thing. Huge difference.

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Oh, absolutely.

• 4:35Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and so, good on you. Um, and you've got a ton of experience, and here's why I love your experience. You have a ton of experience with a ton of different kids. Meaning?

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Yes, I do.

• 4:45Dr. John Delony?

  You know, there's different ways that different kids need to be parented, need to be disciplined, need to be coached, need to be loved, and you begin to see some commonalities across that begin to say like, "Hey, there's some universal truths here." So, give me some, give me three things that you just are like, "Ugh, I couldn't support this guy that I'm falling in love with. I couldn't support him in how he handles his kids."

• 5:12Speaker 00

  Um, the spanking as discipline.

• 5:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  So, um, he, um, both him and his parents, he's living with his parents right now as he's building a home, and, um, and, uh, uh, between, like, academic studies and lived experience and my own personal experience, my parents spanked us when we were little. I, that's just not something that I can do to a child, and that's not something that it's hard for me to be around.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Um, especially, and it's not that it is always, but especially when, if it's done in anger.

• 5:55Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Um, and frustration.

• 5:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 5:58Speaker 00

  I, there's a difference between, "Oh, I hate that I'm doing this," or, "Oh, I'm smacking your hand to get away from the hot stove," or something, versus, "You are ticking me off, and I've told you five times, and now I'm frustrated, and now I'm gonna spank you to get you out of this situation." I, I just feel like there's a difference in that.

• 6:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. I think you're 1 million percent accurate. And I, I would, I would frame spanking somebody's hand away versus, "I'm hitting you."

• 6:30Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's fair.

• 6:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, and that's even different than the discussion of there's a consequent, yada, yada, yada. We can have that conversation. I don't want to get into-

• 6:40Speaker 00

  Of course. Yeah, I'm, yeah, I'm not talking about like spoiling and having no discipline.

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, I totally hear that. I totally hear that. Here's what I want.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so that's one. Let's just pause there. And, and for everybody listening who wants to get my take on it, I'm not going to give that because that's not the point of this. I have some very strong opinions on it, but not the point. It doesn't matter.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:59Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to begin to say, hey, I'm falling for this guy, but here's some things that violate my values. Okay, so like spanking, hitting, like what's the next one?

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Um.

• 7:18Speaker 00

  I think he's bargaining with his kids.

• 7:21Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  To try to get good behavior. Um, so when kids don't get what they want, which every kid throws a fit when they don't get what they want.

• 7:32Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, that's what they're supposed to do. They're kids. They're trying to learn how to regulate their nervous systems. Yes.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  Absolutely, absolutely. Um, he goes kind of into bargaining mode and so, and it's like asking the kids questions that isn't a question. Like, do you want to take a shower right now? Well, you have to take a shower right now. Well, don't frame it as a question then.

• 7:57Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 7:58Speaker 00

  It's like, we're gonna, we're gonna take a shower in five minutes. Do you want to turn the shower on or don't need to turn the shower on?

• 8:03Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Yes. And what you just said was-

• 8:06Speaker 00

  Examples.

• 8:07Dr. John Delony?

  World-class parenting. Like, this thing is happening and I'm going to let you practice choosing between this reality.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like you come up with what you think are great alternatives. You're okay with this or this, and then you present those things. You don't-

• 8:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Ask them if this is okay because the, that, the power should not be in an eight-year-old's hands.

• 8:30Dr. John Delony?

  Amen. And so, when you have sat down and talked to him about this, what has his response been?

• 8:37Speaker 00

  So, um, so I brought it up a few months ago saying, hey, that's, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm not here to come in and be the parent and all the things. It's like, I'm here to support whatever rules you and your parents want to have for the kids when I'm around. I was like, but that kind of discipline I won't do. And she was totally understanding about that. No issues. And then when I brought it up just in the last week or two, uh, hey, this really bothers me and I'm, it makes me question the longevity of this.

• 9:20Dr. John Delony?

  Of your relationship?

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  Good for you.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  And, and he said, so, so what is it? So he didn't get upset. He just asked, he's like, so, so tell me more, tell, like, um, and so it's like, look, I, I came from a home where I equated a man that was bigger than me, say he loved me one minute and hit me the next.

• 9:48Dr. John Delony?

  Correct.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  And I grew up equated is thinking as a woman that a man can hurt me, whether physically or emotionally or psychologically, and love me at the same time.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  Correct.

• 10:03Speaker 00

  And that led me to some horrible things.

• 10:06Dr. John Delony?

  And the reverse, the reverse for men is, I love you and I'm hitting you out of anger. Equates to inner rage and shame in, in adult men.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:16Dr. John Delony?

  That's what the research says.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  And so I just said, you know, so that is my fear. I'm, I'm afraid that you are teaching your girls that.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  Someone bigger than them can love them and can cause them pain. And I just, I was like, I maybe, I, I don't want bad things for them, but I also want to caution you about this.

• 10:42Dr. John Delony?

  And what did he say?

• 10:44Speaker 00

  And he had tears in his eyes and he said, you're right.

• 10:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  He's like, I, he's like, I have to do better and I want to do better. He's like, but there are times I don't know what to do. And I, he's like, you're right, sometimes I act without thinking and I, um, we have to find a better way. And so we have talked about, um, having like a family meeting and, and, and all having the same rules and all kinds of things. And there's a, a really good, uh, co-parenting relationship between, um, everybody and, um...

• 11:31Dr. John Delony?

  So here's, here's what I would tell you. Here's what I would tell you.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:36Dr. John Delony?

  That type of response, I'll take all day, seven days a week.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't think his, I, my personal belief is I don't think his behavior change will come from a parenting book. His behavior change is learning to regulate his adult emotions. That there is no way a child can get me so out of control that I have to hit them out of anger to get them to do what I want.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:09Dr. John Delony?

  Now, the next truth is what is action gonna look like, right? What is, behavior is the language, what is he gonna go do next? And so co-parenting, great, y'all talking about things, great. If I'm you, I would say, hey, I'm gonna go see somebody, and you probably are continuing to see somebody, I want you to go see somebody. Cause I want that nuclear reactor in your chest to dissipate. Your kids aren't gonna have access to that. And if it does happen, by the way, I'm not a robot, I do get set off, I do get angry. I've got a set of, I'm gonna go for a walk, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna start singing real loud, I'm gonna tell my kids, I need five minutes and I'll be back. And that's them witnessing their dad emotionally regulating himself in real

• 12:53Dr. John Delony?

  time. That's a gift to my kids. And same here, but you gotta learn how to do that. And that's just hard. You have to just, it's an ego free process. You have to commit to saying, there's a set of skills that I don't have. I don't want to learn to control this. And my goodness, he's got somebody like you in his corner, which is just amazing. So we covered a lot here. All I have to say is you putting, you continuing to speak your values and say, I can't be a part of this and I won't be a part of this is such a powerful thing. And him saying, I want to get better at this. I want to be a part of this with you. And will you walk alongside me? That's what really, that's, that's the stuff good relationships

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  are made of. It's amazing. And now the proof is going to be in the work that happens next. So high five to you, Jay, all across the board. Get that degree and keep going, man. The world needs people like you out in the world, affecting positive change. And man, it sounds like this guy won the lottery with you. And if he continues to be a guy that wants to get better, and by the way, there's going to be things you need to get better at, right? He's going to help you. But if he continues to say, you're right, I want to get better. And I'm going to go put my, my words into action. Man, that's the good, good stuff. Thank you so much for the call. Man, this is a great, is a great one. We come back, a man wonders how to do a hard thing, talk to his male buddies about their

• 14:16Dr. John Delony?

  health. We'll be right back.

• 14:19Dr. John Delony?

  This weekend, I got up really early with my son and we headed out to a local creek to try and catch some fish. And I brought my fishing gear and of course, I was wearing Poncho. I love my Poncho shirts. If you've ever watched this show before, or seen me speak live on stage, or even seen me fishing in a local creek, you have seen me wearing Poncho shirts. I wear them when I'm mowing, fishing, working out, grilling, wherever. I love my Poncho shirts. These shirts have become my go to because Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. The fabric's light and it's breathable. So I'm not drenched or stuck in my seat. Two minutes after I sit down and they're still durable. They move with you, not against you.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  Poncho shirts don't cling or bunch up or make you look like a human sausage. You know what I'm talking about. Listen, life is loud, fast and messy sometimes, and you need clothes that work with how you live. That's why I wear Poncho and you should too. Go to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and check out a few of my favorite shirts like the burnt end and the steel head. Right now, new customers get $10 off when you sign up with your email at ponchooutdoors.com/deloney.

• 15:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Detroit, Rock City and talk to Chris. What up, Chris?

• 15:39Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John. I'm a huge fan. I've been listening to every show since my sophomore year of high school. I listened to it in the morning when I drove myself to school.

• 15:48Dr. John Delony?

  Well, dang dude, you probably shouldn't have been listening to that. You should have been listening to the radio, but good for you, man. I appreciate you listening. That's awesome. What's up?

• 15:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, so my question is, I'm on the executive board of my fraternity going into next year and I'm looking for some help on how I can address a huge mental health gap that I think we have right now.

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. Man, kudos to your, to your brothers for voting you in in this role, man. That's awesome.

• 16:18Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about what you're seeing and experiencing.

• 16:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, um, we have a mental health chair who basically does nothing. It's kind of just a position that we have to say we have it.

• 16:33Dr. John Delony?

  Can I stop you, can I stop you right there?

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:35Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll, I'll interrupt you along the way here.

• 16:39Dr. John Delony?

  That right there is problem number one, because it sends a message that this doesn't matter.

• 16:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 16:45Dr. John Delony?

  And so as the executive chair, if you're able to remove this person or dissolve that chair and create something new that actually does a thing, that would be a huge like billboard to your, um, to your fraternity, to your brothers, that this thing, it now matters.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 17:05Dr. John Delony?

  But when there's, when there's an official position that does nothing, think, think of our government stuff, right? Like, like that person does nothing in this, like it communicates, oh, there's no value here from the top down.

• 17:20Dr. John Delony?

  So that's numero uno, but good call. Okay, keep going.

• 17:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, so my official position is social chair. So I'm the one who plans all the parties, puts most things together. And what I see happen a lot of times is rather than dealing with certain, whether it's school-related issues or relational issues, people will turn into this crazy party lifestyle that we've created for ourselves first, rather than ever addressing a lot of the problems. And I'm looking for a way to at least encourage people or provide,

• 18:03Speaker 02

  provide a sense of okayness, I don't know if that's the right word to use, around fixing yourself first, rather than using all the vices we have available to us.

• 18:14Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Man, this is a great question, dude. I'm glad you're asking this question. And you're going up against a tradition that has hundreds of years of history, right?

• 18:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:25Dr. John Delony?

  Of guys getting together, and I'm just speaking specifically to men. I know women have their issues, but guys getting together and just going bananas. Some as guys just go bananas, right? And also, some of it is, we have to let off, or this idea, we gotta let off steam, we have to burn a hole in the ground, or we have to just drink ourselves into oblivion because we can't live in our own skin, right? And, man, good for you for seeing that. So here's what I've seen effective in workplaces, and to some degree with college students, is just, it's just tough, okay? It's just tough. And I'll tell you this from lived experience. When you wade into college and fraternity changes, you're gonna get beat

• 19:10Dr. John Delony?

  up psychologically, emotionally, maybe even literally, like, they're gonna come after you. The, the old guard will come after you.

• 19:21Dr. John Delony?

  The current guard will come after you and possibly even people from other chapters will come after you. Like you will become a target. Just know that. Okay?

• 19:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:33Dr. John Delony?

  And it will come at you from the craziest angles.

• 19:38Dr. John Delony?

  60 year olds, 42 year olds. Oh my gosh, you're getting soft, you're getting woke, you're getting like they'll come up with all kinds of stuff and you'll be thinking, I just want these, my brothers to stop wanting to kill themselves. I just want my people, these guys that I'm committed to and that I care about, I just want them to be healthy. And like, oh my gosh, you see what I'm saying? So that's what you're coming up against. I just want to put that out there. Okay?

• 20:03Speaker 02

  Alright.

• 20:04Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I would say the first thing is to, as leaders, y'all have to commit to going first. Meaning, um, I, you'll, if you listen, you've listened to this show a lot. I talk often about how I go see somebody, see a therapist. And the reason I do that is I want to communicate, I'm a guy with two PhDs, two doctorate degrees in two different disciplines. I have a top 10 mental health and relationship show in the United States and I still go see a counselor. And so if I still need to go see somebody to process stuff, I want to make it okay for everybody else to go to. You get what I'm saying?

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:47Dr. John Delony?

  So you and the chapter executives have to come to some sort of agreement to say, hey, we're going to go to the counseling center here at the university. We're going to go use our resources and we're going to communicate that to our brothers, even though they're going to make fun of us.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so I tell executives, I tell CEOs this. If you want your staff to be well and utilize resources, you have to tell them, hey, I'm not available Wednesdays at 4pm because I leave and me and my wife go to marriage counseling. And what that does is it doesn't communicate weakness. It communicates an immense amount of strength and it communicates to your entire team, okay, it's okay if we go to.

• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right, so you have to go first and you have to demonstrate it. It has to be more than, more than just talking. Okay, that's number one. Number two, it's working with your chapter and you're probably your national fraternity house and the university where you're housed with, remember these words, reducing friction.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 21:52Dr. John Delony?

  Is there some sort of an agreement that you could work out with a counseling center that if one of the folks from our chapter calls you, you'll get them in quick because you know it's a big deal?

• 22:03Dr. John Delony?

  So for instance, when I was a dean of students at the law school, I had an agreement with the counseling center. They, I had a special therapist that was, that knew specifically about law school student issues. And so when I came back to the law students, I said, hey, there is a person over here that is specifically for y'all. There's other people, you can see anybody, but if y'all think nobody's going to know about what y'all are going through, we got somebody.

• 22:29Dr. John Delony?

  And if you have a counselor with the counseling department that would come and talk to you guys, come to your chapter meeting one night, that would come. And so what you're trying to do is you're trying to create a relationship there and reduce friction, reduce the challenge it is to go seek help.

• 22:48Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna, I don't know what that looks like. If y'all want to have workout time, if y'all want to have like mandatory, like I know a lot of fraternities have mandatory study halls, if y'all want to have mandatory exercise time, or you get points or something if y'all have this, if y'all submit your, your Garmin info or your Whoop strap info or whatever, like you can begin to incentivize healthy habits.

• 23:12Dr. John Delony?

  And you as a leadership team get to decide what that, what that looks like with your own fraternity, but I want this, if you're listening, you're not a fraternity, whether it's your church group, whether it's your guy friend group, put a thousand dollars on the table and say the guy who loses the most weight or who works out most continuously or whatever you want to do, has the best sleep score, wins that thousand bucks. Or if you're a CEO and you want your company to be healthier.

• 23:36Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, this same behavior that you're seeing at the fraternity where people are just drinking themselves to death or whatever, it just, when you get to be a CEO, your people just work themselves to death, right? They just move addictions and they also drink themselves too, but they just move addictions, right?

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:54Dr. John Delony?

  So, I'm throwing a lot at you. What are you thinking?

• 23:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I have like a counter question almost.

• 24:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 24:01Speaker 02

  The, um, for the university's mental health resources are not great at all.

• 24:08Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 24:08Speaker 02

  Um, I, there's been stor- stories I heard last year of people trying to get in and get a meeting and having to be on a two-month waitlist.

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  Is there anything internally that I could build to kind of circumnavigate?

• 24:25Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I think it'd be awesome if y'all use some of your membership dues or you went to your national group and you asked for some support and said, "Hey, we're gonna pay for half." Or, "We'll pay for the first three sessions here with a local community group." And you go, you go knock on doors and say, "Hey, if we come see you, can y'all cut us a deal on a sliding scale?"

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'd almost be willing to bet, depending on the size of the town your university is in, I'd almost be willing to bet that there's many people that would help with that.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 24:57Dr. John Delony?

  But, but you guys using your dues, "Hey, we're gonna throw two less keg parties." And I know you can't call them keg parties. You have to call them gatherings or dance parties and whatever. I know that. Um, but, "We're gonna throw two less parties and we're gonna take that 5,000 bucks and we're gonna put it towards, if y'all need to go see a counselor, we're gonna cover the first three sessions for free or we're gonna pay half the price, wherever it is."

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:21Dr. John Delony?

  And that way, they can go and they can talk to somebody, to a licensed professional. We're gonna help out there. That would be amazing. And it would probably, if you, if you initiated out with your, if you asked for some seed money from your national chapter, um, that would probably get you, um, national recognition because that'd be a new way to handle this problem. Um, but that's, and I'd go knock on doors to local therapists and see if they would show up. And...

• 25:46Dr. John Delony?

  And then y'all need to have hard, hard conversations internally about you're just not going to accept this kind of behavior at our events and our parties. And if you want to be a part of this group, then great. And otherwise, you can leave. And I know that's a financial commitment to you guys because people will leave and you don't want to lose a lot of chapter members. But also it's just about saying, hey, we're going to just take a stand on this thing because we're tired of 19 year olds going bananas. And it will also challenge you guys to come up with cool, fun stuff to do. It's outside the box. It's just a blast that people may not have thought of before. But is there ways to have fun without just being super unhealthy all the time? So, man, I love, love, love that you're asking

• 26:29Dr. John Delony?

  this question. What I want you to do is think in terms of action steps instead of ceremonial steps. We have the mental health chair. What is that? That's so stupid. That's just going to be, somebody's going to put that on their resume. Dumb. Not doing that. That's gone. We dissolved that. We've actually created a fund. If you want to go see a counselor, we will ask no questions. We will send a check over to that person, to the counselor for you. On your behalf, we'll write the check, send it over. I'm not going to give you cash. I'm going to send it directly to them. Or we've given them 5,000 bucks on retainer. Any of y'all can go use that. You can go see this counseling group. And by the way, if your therapists aren't good, I want you guys to work with the inner fraternity council that all of Creek Life is going to petition the university to hire more therapists because

• 27:14Dr. John Delony?

  we need some more help around here. So there's activist things you can do. There is practical things you can do. And you can also say, hey, we're just, we're just going to go dry. And I know we're going to get beat up and everyone's going to make fun of us and the old guard's going to be like, I can't believe, I know. But we're just going to stop the madness because we're watching our brothers just fall apart in front of us and we want to be about building each other up. So, great, great question, Chris. Thanks for caring about people. And if you're listening to this thinking, oh, God, fraternities, think about the groups that you inhabit. And where can you reduce friction? Where can you actually implement real things in real life? And where can you just say, hey, as for us in this group, we're not going to be a part of this anymore. Thanks for the call, Chris. I'm

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  really, really grateful for you. We come back, talk to a dad who is wrestling with how moving is going to impact his family.

• 28:08Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Everyone is talking about therapy, therapy, therapy these days. And I often hear folks say, I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life. I don't know if I can use therapy. Listen, this is really important. Therapy isn't just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past, as well as helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges that pop up. Many of you should consider therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access

• 28:52Dr. John Delony?

  to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. And they also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney.

• 29:24Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to Andy. What up, Andy?

• 29:29Speaker 03

  Hey, how's it going?

• 29:31Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?

• 29:33Speaker 03

  I'm doing pretty good.

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. What's up, man?

• 29:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, um, I'm calling today, or I'm talking, my biggest concern is, uh, I'm raising, uh, four boys, um, all under the age of eight.

• 29:47Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa! Are they all your bio kids?

• 29:51Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, sir.

• 29:53Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just, hold on, can I pause for a second and just say, God bless you, man? That's a lot, that's a lot.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  It's, yeah, it's a lot.

• 30:00Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, your, your food bill has to be amazing.

• 30:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, um, my, seems like their favorite meal is, uh, steak and, and pretty much heavy meat eater, so.

• 30:12Dr. John Delony?

  I was gonna say, yeah, their favorite meal is everything.

• 30:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. Bio long shot, yeah, it's, it's, it's, that's a, that's a good sized bill for sure.

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  You may want to become a farmer just to grow your, okay, go ahead. All right, so what's your question?

• 30:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, so um, the last several years, uh, my wife's family, uh, she's a stay-at-home mom, um, has been, uh, persuading us to come live with them on the, on their family property. Uh, there's, there's a dual benefit there. Um, there's a benefit of, you know, older folks living at, uh, on this property that can, uh, get some help with, you know, the younger generation, helping them with their living situation and, and, uh, help keep an eye and, and keep the, keep the house going. Um, my biggest thing was, you know, um, I'm raising four boys. One of them, uh, my oldest, really doesn't like, uh, change all that

• 31:09Speaker 03

  much. And, um, he struggled a little bit. Uh, we were homeschooling for a while and he went to, um, into, uh, public school and struggled for several months, you know, emotionally. Um, he's a really athletic, smart, kind kid, but just had a hard time with it. Um, but then ended up did, you know, towards the end of the year, turned it around. Um, I have one other kid who had, um, some developmental challenges and, uh, and we went through a lot of, a lot of hard years, but he's on the other end of that and, um, he's striving and, and thriving and doing a great job. And, um, my biggest concern

• 31:55Speaker 03

  is just, it looks like it's gonna happen. Um, I'm just, I have a lot of concerns and, you know, I'm, I'm learning on the fly a lot. And this is, uh, a lot of people look and think that, you know, I have it all figured out, but I'm constantly assessing the situation and making sure that I am not, uh, doing something that's going to affect them long-term. Cause I've had a lot of issues with, you know, my home life and my past, my, my, my upbringing. So I'm, I'm, my big concern is just to give these, these boys, um, who are gonna be men one day, the best possible outcome I can. And it's really the only thing I think

• 32:41Speaker 03

  about every single day.

• 32:42Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Dude, let, let me tell you this right now. Your kids are gonna, your, your boy's gonna be great. Cause they have you for their dad.

• 32:49Dr. John Delony?

  A father that is even asking the questions you're asking means they're gonna raise good boys. Good on you. Okay? And let me tell you, I don't know any parent, myself included, that thinks they're doing a good job.

• 33:05Dr. John Delony?

  That doesn't immediately look at the things they wish they could do better.

• 33:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:11Dr. John Delony?

  And so, let me just hear me say directly, my brother, "Well done. Well freaking done." Okay? Kelly's clapping for you too. She's clapped for me no times in my life. And she's clapping for you. Okay? Well done, brother. So, let me back out all the way, and I'm not gonna ask a bunch of questions about why, like, is this a financial move? Is this, is this, is this good? I'm assuming that you and your wife are in lockstep with, "This is gonna be good for us to move into this family. We're gonna help out our, your in-laws, you're gonna help out grandparents, you're going to also, it's gonna be, it's gonna be a win-win-win. I'm just gonna assume that out the gate. Is that cool?"

• 33:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're correct.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, let me back all the way out here. You've got a pretty cool situation ahead of you.

• 34:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:03Dr. John Delony?

  You have two kids, two of your oldest, your oldest and your second oldest, who have faced change before, and it was very uncomfortable, and then they ended up being successful. So they have a lived experience with that discomfort and the joy and strength on the other side of going through something hard.

• 34:25Dr. John Delony?

  And they have a lived experience of mom and dad walking alongside us, whether it was trying to find the resources for special needs, whether it was being comforting and supportive at athletic events or whatever. They got to see them, they got to experience going through hard stuff. Mom and dad never bailed on us, and at the end, it worked out. And so with those two, that's where I'm going to lean on. We've been here before. I know it's painful. I've seen you experience this discomfort and walk through it. And we're going to be right by your side like we were last time. And I know it's gonna be hard and you're allowed to be upset, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be heartbroken, you're allowed to be frustrated. All those things are right

• 35:05Dr. John Delony?

  and good. Eight-year-old son, good on you. And so I want you to know those lived experiences are going to be your roadmap for what comes next. All right. Now, here's the bigger thing. And you said it better than I could have said it. You are raising four future young men, right?

• 35:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:24Dr. John Delony?

  What more amazing opportunity could you give them than to demonstrate through word and action, we're going to take care of our elders, we're going to take care of their property, we're going to walk alongside them, and everybody's going to have jobs and responsibilities. And you talk to each one of them about what that might look like. And even if there's money involved, even if it's a little bit of money, that you begin using, hey, your, let's say there's horses, like your horses are going to X, Y, or Z. Your mowing is going to, your cleaning, like your kitchen area is going to be spotless. Like, you begin to give them purpose and autonomy in service of older folks. I think

• 36:08Dr. John Delony?

  that's amazing. So when I, I mean, I think I've talked about on the show, I'll put it out there. In fifth grade, when my son was in fifth grade, we moved out into the country and there's some awesome folks who live across from us that have a 30-acre horse ranch. It's beautiful. It's an amazing place. But I wanted my son to A, experience working with other people. B, I wanted him to get outside when it was hot and learn how to do stuff. And C, these people are about 10 or 15 years older than us. And so I want him to help people that aren't us, right? And now my son is 15, he's a, he's going to be a sophomore. And now he works for them full-time. It's amazing what he's learned.

• 36:52Dr. John Delony?

  And they've been so great with teaching and coaching and supporting and all. So all I have to say is, those lessons your kids will learn in service to their grandparents, to family, to older folks, to learning new skills that they're not going to learn in a suburban home, all of that is going to make them into amazing young men.

• 37:12Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm all in on that, dude. It's the important thing here is going to be highly intentional and highly purpose driven.

• 37:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm, um, I've read through the book, The Intentional Father.

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's an amazing book by John Tyson. Yeah, excellent, excellent.

• 37:30Speaker 03

  And, um, since, since going through that book several times, you know, um, I realized, um, I've kind of applied without really knowing a lot of that because it feels like a lot of things that I've had to learn, I had to be intentional from the, from the get-go.

• 37:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Um, I didn't, uh, um, you know, I had a very turbulent, uh, childhood. I moved maybe thirty times by the time I was sixteen and, uh, my father passed away very young, when I was very young. So I, I, I obviously really didn't have a, a male role model for a long time. And, uh, so I guess even instinctually, I, I, I realized that things that we're doing were already with intention because I, I, I needed to, to figure it out. And my, my job that I do is, um, very high, high stress, um, very, uh, it's a, uh, it's a very good

• 38:29Speaker 03

  job. It's the career I wanted. It's a dream job, but, uh, I deal with a lot of, you know, it's a very, uh, men-heavy, uh, profession. And, uh, so in, in my pursuit, I guess, you know, a lot of the things I've learned were just from, you know, older generations and, and people teaching us, teaching, it's a, it's a very, um, cultural, um, uh, you know, traditional, uh, environment that I work in. So it really picked up a lot.

• 39:04Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, and that's the, that's the final, that's the icing on the cake here, is your kids are going to get to learn and pick up things from their grandparents.

• 39:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:13Dr. John Delony?

  They're going to get wisdom that they wouldn't normally otherwise get from anybody else. And I think that's amazing. I think that's, I think that's perfect, man. And so if you and your wife are aligned on, um, this is going to be best for our family, we're going to get to take care of our aging parents, we're going to, this is a good move for us financially, this is, this is good for us, then I'll tell you on, on its face, your kids don't get a vote. If a kid, if an eight-year-old knows we're not moving or taking a new job or helping out grandma and grandpa because I'm going to be uncomfortable for six months, that the weight of that decision will crush a child. They can't handle it. And so saying,

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, this move is happening, and you're going to play a huge role in serving and loving grandma and grandpa, and I know this is going to blow your life up, and I hate it for you, and you get to be sad and angry and frustrated, and I'll be right here with you, sturdy as an oak tree. And I'll be here with you. I'm going to take you out to breakfast every week. We're going to, I'm going to go to a concert if I can get away and take you. I'm going to model this for you, but I know it's going to, if you have to change schools again, I know, man, I get it. It's the worst. Making new friends again, it's the worst. And I've seen you do it before, and you saw me and your mom walking right

• 40:38Dr. John Delony?

  by you, and I'm going to walk with you again. And so, we're going to paint this as the awesome opportunity it is, and we're going to also honor that eight-year-old's feelings, and then we're going to model for them going to do the next right thing. And I got to say it again, my brother, this, you are embodying changing your family tree. That's what this is. You are changing your family tree. And moving three times is different than moving 30, but I know for you, moving at all just hearkens back to when you were a kid, and you find out we're moving again, we're moving again, we're moving again. Your kid's discomfort, man, that's part of it. My daughter changed schools last year, I'm still hearing about it. And I'm watching my child blossom in front of me. It was the best thing ever.

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  She's nine, she's supposed to be upset about stuff, right? That's fine. It's knowing with your wife, we are doing the next right thing for our family, and we're not going to blow off our kid's feelings. We're going to sit in with them, and then we're going to model for them, what's the next right move. Thank you, my brother Andy. I'm really great. It was an honor to get to talk to you, my brother. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back.

• 41:45Dr. John Delony?

  If you're looking around at the culture and you're having a hard time knowing who to look up to, I get it. There's so much noise coming from so many different directions, and it can be hard to know who to trust. But, there are examples of people who can teach us and who have been inspiring us with their wisdom and their faith for centuries. That's why I'm excited to tell you about one of Hallow's biggest prayer challenges ever, and it's back this month. Saints in Seven Days. The saints we honor aren't just stained glass paintings on church windows. They were real, living people devoted to God no matter what the cost. And during this challenge, you're going to learn how we can apply their faithfulness to our lives today. Saints in Seven Days also features

• 42:30Dr. John Delony?

  Gwen Stefani teaching about Queen Esther, Michael Iskander from Amazon's hit series House of David talking about King David, and many more. And the saints aren't just stories from the past. They're real life examples for living with purpose, humility, and genuine faith in a world that feels like it's falling apart. Join the Saints in Seven Days prayer challenge on Hallow today, and you're going to get three months of Hallow for free. Go to hallow.com/daloni. That's H-A-L-L-O-W.com/daloni.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem?

• 43:06Speaker 04

  All right, so this is from Jessica in Ohio, and she writes, "My boyfriend of almost five years broke up with me. We are middle aged, each with teenage children from previous marriages. We are both Christians, but his faith is very deep, and he desires a traditional, godly wife that would submit to all of his principles and decisions. At my age and having to develop resourcefulness to establish a career and raise five children, I am working hard in my own walk with God, but I do not feel that it's right for me to agree with some of his decisions, such as not letting my teenage boys go to a haunted cornfield, or for me to take my daughters to a Taylor Swift concert. To him, these

• 43:46Speaker 04

  are relationship deal breakers. He is usually very calm, but last night, he left saying that I needed to quote, 'find someone else to deal with my emotions.'" Your S-word, he said he never curses, but he did last night, and your family, end quote. He is a policeman of high integrity, but I was feeling like he is becoming more unrealistic and more controlling. Am I the problem?

• 44:18Dr. John Delony?

  Run, run, as fast as you can. I'm sure Taylor Swift has like 30 songs about this exact situation. Just run, run, run. A quote-unquote "traditional godly wife," whatever that means, does not mean you are somebody's servant, does not mean you are somebody's dishwasher and sandwich maker, and does not mean that you don't get thoughts and autonomy and independence in your own emotions and feelings, at all, period. Run, run, run. I'm so sick of this cancer. I'm so sick of it. Run. And I know it's heartbreaking, and I know you love this guy, and I know this guy's got a ton of qualities that make him a good, upstanding citizen

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  and man, but you are right to not, to not collapse God-fearing wife and mother with servitude. You're right. Run, run, run. No, you're not the problem, as the great Taylor Swift once asked. Did she ask, or she said it? No, she said it. I'm the problem, it's me. Oh, Kelly, don't you, Kelly's Taylor Swift tattoo is legit.

• 45:32Speaker 04

  Actually, I do know that song. Hi, I'm the problem, it's me. I do know that song. I'm not well-versed on my Taylor Swift music, but I do know that one.

• 45:40Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's the 42nd time Kelly's lied to you, America, so she's very well-versed in it. There's pictures of you on the internet at like three different Taylor Swift shows on the front row. You can look it up. It's on the internets. I'll put it at john delaney.com/Kellyisataylorswiftie. Is that how you say that?

• 46:00Speaker 04

  I would happily admit if I was. I don't think there's any shame in that. It's just not my thing.

• 46:06Dr. John Delony?

  What is your thing, Kelly? Besides 50-ish-year-old men in leather pants at Whole Foods?

• 46:16Speaker 04

  Okay, first of all,

• 46:20Speaker 04

  you would be, if we're talking about some of our aging rock stars, you would be more of a fan girl than I would be.

• 46:25Dr. John Delony?

  You're correct.

• 46:26Speaker 04

  If we happened to run into, I don't know, Mark Slaughter?

• 46:30Dr. John Delony?

  Correct.

• 46:31Speaker 04

  You know?

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  I may have crossed a little bit of a stalky line with Mark Slaughter.

• 46:34Speaker 04

  He lives here, and I know he hangs out at The Home Depot, and I'm stalking The Home Depot, but it hasn't worked yet.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think he hangs out at The Home Depot as much as he shops there for plumbing fittings.

• 46:43Speaker 04

  Well, a guy that works here has run into him multiple times at Home Depot. Me, none.

• 46:48Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I haven't either. Everyone lives in Nashville. But I have seen Kelly with, like, catching her breath with both hands, like, on the Pop-Tart aisle, by the way, that's where she lives, like, breathing heavily, and I was like, Kelly, what's wrong? And she's like, "Somebody from some 80s metal band just walked by and I have to catch my breath." That happened multiple times.

• 47:12Speaker 04

  Pot, kettle? You and I've met.

• 47:14Dr. John Delony?

  Fair. Fair.

• 47:17Dr. John Delony?

  Fair. I didn't catch my breath, I just broke down weeping. It overwhelmed me.

• 47:21Speaker 04

  It was quite embarrassing, though.

• 47:22Dr. John Delony?

  It was, but I wept. But I love all those bands. Bye, love y'all, stay in school, don't do drugs.