732 The Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel

“COMMITTED SEX IS PREMEDITATED SEX.” - ESTHER PEREL Let’s talk about sex. So often, we blame our lack of romance on our partner. We’ll say, “He or she just isn’t doing it for me anymore.” But what if it’s your responsibility to make sure that you’re keeping the passion alive? If you are truly living your fullest life, you will create desire. Take ownership. That’s why, for this week’s Five Minute Friday, I want to share this conversation I had with world-renowned relationship expert Esther Perel who knows the key to making monogamous relationships successful. Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel is the New York Times bestselling author of The State of Affairs and Mating in Captivity. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views and she is also the host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? Esther says that it’s not the other person who turns you on or off. You turn yourself on by making sure you are connected to what lights you up. Learn how investing in yourself and pursuing your life force will help you want monogamy on Episode 732. In This Episode You Will Learn: The definition of “desire” (00:45) What makes someone want to be monogamous (1:30) What the biggest turn on is (2:10) How to experience love and desire at the same time (2:55) How to keep sex erotic (4:00). Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is Five Minute Friday!

• 0:10Lewis Howes?

  Now Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist notable for exploring the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships. She's promoted the concept of erotic intelligence in a bestselling book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, which was published in 2006 and has since been translated in 24 languages. She has given two TED Talks which have received more than 8 million views. I heard her speak recently and it blew the audience away.

• 0:46Esther Perel?

  What is desire? Desire is to own the wanting. If you ask people a question that goes like this: "I turn myself off when?", "I turn myself off by?", not "You turn me off when?", and "What turns me off is?". You're gonna hear "I turn myself off when I do emails, when I spend too much time on the phone, when I overeat, when I don't exercise, when I have bad days at work, when I don't feel confident, when I numb myself, when I feel dead, when I don't feel thriving, when I'm not alive." You will really hear that it has very little to do with sex. And when you ask people "I turn myself on when?", or "by?", "I awaken my desires?", not

• 1:31Esther Perel?

  "You turn me on when?", and "What turns me on is?", which is, i.e. "You're responsible for my wanting."

• 1:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:37Esther Perel?

  What people will talk to you about is when I'm in nature, when I'm connected with my friends, when I get to do my sports, when I play music, when I listen to music. It's stuff that gives me pleasure, that is alive, that is vibrant, that is vital, that is erotic, in the full sense of the word, as life force.

• 1:55Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:56Esther Perel?

  And from that place, people remain interested in having sex with somebody else for the long haul. Not because they've scratched their arms for two seconds, you know?

• 2:05Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 2:06Esther Perel?

  It's, "I feel good about myself." The biggest turn-on is confidence.

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 2:11Esther Perel?

  Confidence. You ask people, "When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?" Every description has to do with when they're in their element, when they're on stage, when they're doing their sport, when they are radiant, when they are in their studio, on the piano, on the horse, you name it. It's when they are in their element, i.e. they don't need me to take care of them.

• 2:33Lewis Howes?

  They're not depressed and down and lonely and sad.

• 2:36Esther Perel?

  They're not needy, they don't need me. Because desire is about wanting you. Love is also about needing you. Caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful anti-Afrodisiac.

• 2:50Lewis Howes?

  So how do you experience love and desire at the same time?

• 2:53Esther Perel?

  You calibrate it.

• 2:55Lewis Howes?

  So sometimes you're...

• 2:56Esther Perel?

  It's the same as when you walk. You have to move from one foot to the other. A balance is not about staying on one side. A balance is the ability to see, right now, we don't need caretaking. We can be mischievous, we can be naughty, we can be playful, we can break our own rules, we can stay home and not go to work at eight o'clock.

• 3:14Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:15Esther Perel?

  And now we are in a playful zone. Now we are feeling that we are bringing our own little transgressions home. We are alive, we're not just being dutiful, responsible, good citizens.

• 3:26Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:27Esther Perel?

  It's that, it's very small, you know? I always think when I go and I see people at lunch and you see them talking and they're well dressed and they're awake and all that, I think, who is here with their partner?

• 3:41Esther Perel?

  Because you can see them, they're engaged, they're giving the best of themselves, that's erotic. No, the majority are not there with their partner. They're there with their friends, with their colleagues. Their partner is gonna get the leftover when they come home at night. Sorry, you know what? Forget the night date, meet at lunch, when you actually have energy, you know? And in the middle of the day like that, when you're awake, when you have something to offer. It's a very small thing, but they don't do it. They don't do it and you say, why not? Why not? Why don't you stay an hour extra at home in the morning and not just because when you have a headache? And just say, this matters to me. All in all, you know, committed sex is premeditated sex. It's not just gonna happen. Because whatever is gonna just happen already has. So you're gonna make it happen.

• 4:27Esther Perel?

  Because you say, "We matter. We're important. Let's do this. Let's spend..." Doesn't mean if you're gonna make love or have sex. It just means we're gonna take this hour. And there's nothing else that matters in this moment. But just you and I, to be together, to check in. And then we'll see what unfolds. That's the erotic space in which sex may happen. Probably will, doesn't have to. But it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge. But people don't do that. They do the responsibility, that's the love, right? The citizen, the commitment, the caretaking, the burdens, the safe. And then they say, "I'm bored." I would be too.

• 5:05Lewis Howes?

  Oh, exactly. There's no mystery, there's no risk-taking, right? Exactly, yeah.

• 5:08Esther Perel?

  There's no risk-taking. That's the word. If you want desire, it's risk. And the risk is an emotional risk. It's not about sexy risks. It's really a risk on the emotional front is that, "I bring something else to you today."

• 5:22Lewis Howes?

  It's okay, yeah.

• 5:23Esther Perel?

  Differently, differently from, from the way I typically present myself.

• 5:27Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 5:27Esther Perel?

  You know, how can I do this some... What can I do today that will be different from the ways that I've done it until now? How can I do something that I think would actually improve our relationship? Me, right? Not something that I want or that you want, but that I think would be actually good for us, that third entity, the us.

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 5:48Esther Perel?

  Right? And you check every time. How often do you just go on the tried and trodden? As in, you know, it works.