I Got Drunk and Slapped My Girlfriend

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man wondering if he can rebuild his relationship after hitting his girlfriend A Navy wife trying to help her daughter through a long deployment A father unsure of how to tell his adult daughter it’s time to move out Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need! I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. I’m stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne. Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Back in June, I did something that completely shocked me and I traumatized my girlfriend. We went out for dinner, we had a couple too many strong drinks when I got back. You're gonna think like I'm a horrible person, but I ended up slapping her.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  First and foremost, I would tell every single woman in this situation.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What's up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee, but not really live, pre-recorded, but I'm live right now, taking your calls on, you know, whatever's going on in your life, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, whatever you got going on, I'll sit with you and I'll walk with you as we figure out what's the next right move. You want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. We take your calls from all over planet Earth. If you write into the show, leave a message, we will haul the back girl at you and we will get you on. Can't wait. Let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Alex. What's up Alex?

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Hey John, I'm doing okay. I'm a huge fan. But um, yeah, I just wanted to talk about something that happened back in June and I got a, I got a doozy for you today. Pretty horrible.

• 1:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, go for it.

• 1:27Speaker 00

  So, back in June, I did something that completely shocked me and I traumatized my girlfriend. For some context, I'm a college student, I was in a great relationship and when we went out for dinner and we had a couple too many strong drinks and I blacked out and then I think I drank more after that, so it was just bad, but I ended up slapping her. And I'm not a violent person, like I've never had this impulse of doing something like this to her or anyone and I woke up, no recollection of anything that happened. It was, I found out about it that morning and just a crazy shock.

• 2:07Speaker 00

  So I guess my question would be, what can I do to work through myself and figure out what happened on my end that night and ensure nothing like this happens again to anyone? And how can I help her feel safe around me again and what steps can we take as a couple to build our relationship?

• 2:28Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 2:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sifting through, I'm trying to be measured in my response, right? And you get that. First and foremost, I would tell every single woman in this situation to not talk to you ever again. Okay? So, like, I want to put your relationship stuff aside for now, okay?

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Understandable.

• 2:59Dr. John Delony?

  The greatest gift you can give somebody when you physically assault them, and then you say, "I don't know why I do that, I don't know where that came from", is to say, "The greatest way I can love you is to get you out of my sphere until I've got a handle on this."

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  And so if she were on the phone, I would say, "You're dating this person, hang up the phone, block him, and just never talk to him again."

• 3:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right? She's not on the phone with me, you are. So the next thing I would ask you, you said you did this thing, you woke up, and I'm sure she told you all about it. How did the next morning conversation go as she walked you through what had happened?

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, I totally, there was no argument on my end. I was, um, in complete shock and...

• 3:52Dr. John Delony?

  I find that, honestly, like, just between you and me, I find that hard to believe.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  Why?

• 4:00Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're talking about a Jekyll and Hyde situation that's just so rare outside of, like, deep pathology.

• 4:10Speaker 00

  Well, that's why I'm legitimately trying to figure out what's going on, because I, like, you saying, like, I should have remembered that?

• 4:20Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no. I'm saying, nobody, or it's astoundingly rare, and I'm trying to rack my brain right now, thinking if I've ever talked to somebody, and I can't, I may have over the years, I've talked to thousands, I mean, so many people, but I can't remember a time that somebody, even when drinking...

• 4:41Dr. John Delony?

  Like, like, often what happens with alcohol is it peels back. It, it, it, it pulls apart the layers of our protective masks to, to be union for a second. Like, it pulls away those layers and you get a version of yourself that is like, oh, there he is.

• 4:59Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:00Dr. John Delony?

  And so it would, it would, it would.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  This might help.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  It would shock me to say, you have never had a violent outburst. You've never screamed and yelled at somebody. You've never said stupid things. You never have, that, that has never happened in your life. It just happened this one time.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  No, a hundred percent. I've been, gotten too drunk and been extremely childish, childish, yelled, screamed, and like treated her like, but like, never like something on this level.

• 5:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that's not childish. That's abusive.

• 5:33Dr. John Delony?

  And when you call it childish, you're, it's a, it's a way to pacify this behavior. So I want you to.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  I mean, like, I, I get childish about like arguments or like insecurities and stuff, and then I become.

• 5:47Dr. John Delony?

  Abusive.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  Abusive.

• 5:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:50Dr. John Delony?

  Before her, when did this happen in your life?

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Um, never. I've had relationships before, but I've never been drinking with, I never were drinking with them because I was in high school and we weren't partying too much. Um, and this, this has never, this has never happened to me.

• 6:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Like, and, and, yeah.

• 6:16Dr. John Delony?

  How much have you consumed, how often have you consumed alcohol, alcohol after this?

• 6:21Speaker 00

  Since this has happened?

• 6:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 6:24Speaker 00

  Um, I've gone to concerts and stuff and had a couple beers, but nothing to the point where I've gotten drunk per se. Um, but yeah, I, I've drank beer since, since this happened.

• 6:39Dr. John Delony?

  You, you can, you can like.

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  I'm just gonna be honest with you, brother. I don't think you're ready yet.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:48Dr. John Delony?

  Because what you're wanting to do is keep your life exactly the same with a few modifications to it.

• 6:57Dr. John Delony?

  And you have a unstable impulse inside of your chest.

• 7:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so you want to, I'm just not gonna drink hard liquor, but I'll just drink some beers. I'm gonna go out and just kinda do my thing, but like, I just won't do this thing.

• 7:16Dr. John Delony?

  And like, I just get childish, and then I say dumb things.

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not grasping the full reality of this.

• 7:26Dr. John Delony?

  Like, if you, if you, like, you can never drink again, ever.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:33Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to say, "Hey, honey, we need two months away from each other, and I'm gonna go sit down with a therapist, cuz I'm not okay."

• 7:42Dr. John Delony?

  Because I don't think you're fully grasping the depth of which you're unstable if you drink to blackout and another version of you emerges.

• 7:53Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:56Dr. John Delony?

  That comes from a level of repression and insecurity that has to make its way out in other places. Do you, do you have a problem, like, and I need you, if you're not gonna be honest, then this is kind of a waste of a phone call. So you're, are you all in?

• 8:08Speaker 00

  I'm an honest person.

• 8:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Do you have a problem exaggerating or kinda telling a bigger tale when you're talking to your buddies or talking to a professor? Or your parents?

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Do I have a problem exaggerating?

• 8:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, are you kind of exaggerating?

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Do I exaggerate stuff?

• 8:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  Um, I wouldn't, I wouldn't say that I do that.

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Like exaggerating like my accomplishments?

• 8:34Dr. John Delony?

  No, just life.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, man, you're five minutes late." "Yeah, I know, dude, traffic was kinda crazy." It wasn't.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  No, I'm, I'm pretty, I would say I'm pretty genuine. I'm, I like to think of myself as a genuine person.

• 8:49Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but you're not. That's the thing. I, I think the challenge here is you like to think of yourself as, fill in the blank, yet your actions are, are separate from that.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  I see.

• 9:03Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I'm trying to merge is behaviors of language like you have this image of yourself as yet reality is showing us something different.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so this projection you have in the world is like, I'm a pretty honest guy. I'm a, I'm actually a great guy. If I do this one thing, then I become a monster. In your words, I become childish, but then I'm cool. And when I tell you it's not cool.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  Do you think I'm just repressing a lot and lying to myself?

• 9:40Dr. John Delony?

  I think you're walking through the world with a pair of glasses on that isn't reality. Either that, or you have such a deep pathology related to alcohol.

• 9:52Dr. John Delony?

  That would be different than

• 9:53Speaker 00

  That I can't touch that.

• 9:54Dr. John Delony?

  Ever again.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:59Dr. John Delony?

  Who have you talked to counselor like?

• 10:04Speaker 00

  I want it, I want to start therapy.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  Why haven't you?

• 10:09Speaker 00

  I don't know where to start. Like, I don't want to tell, get my parents involved. And I don't know like how to do it on my own. And also like, I'm really busy, but I know that's not an excuse.

• 10:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And that's, that's the thing. So to heal from something like this, you have to acknowledge there is a monster that lives with inside me. I'm not saying you're a monster. I'm saying you have a monster inside of you.

• 10:39Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm, I'm hard pressed to believe that it only comes out with your, when you're drinking, but I'm going to take you at your word on this call.

• 10:47Dr. John Delony?

  And almost every person I've ever met in this situation has spends a ton of energy in their non wasted life, their non drunk life, carefully curating an image to the world.

• 11:05Dr. John Delony?

  And that is exhausting and alcohol frees you from it and whoosh the dragon emerges.

• 11:14Dr. John Delony?

  And bro, feel free to tell me I'm wrong, that you're just a happy-go-lucky guy, you make straight A's, you're a good kid, and then all of a sudden I just hit my girlfriend in the face.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  Like, I'm, I'm totally open, I'm trying to, to think, to really think about it, but honestly, I, I see myself as a, a pretty free spirit, um, like, and I, I know you like, like this is like what I want to see myself as, but I, I genuinely like don't care a lot about what other people think about me and like I like to, like I, that's a quality that I like about myself, um, and I don't think I'm always curating, I'm always curating, um, an, an image, I mean, obvi- like sometimes, yes, like we, feel like everyone curates some kind of image, um, sometimes, but

• 12:09Speaker 00

  I do think, I do know that there is some monster inside of me that I need to work through and process and I, this has been the worst thing that is like I've ever done and it's ever happened in my life, um, just, I don't want to, I'm not the victim here, but the, the guilt and the, the looking myself in the mirror is, is, it's insane.

• 12:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  Um.

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  But I'll tell, I'll tell you, the, the holding on to that without sitting in front of somebody and being seen and heard will kill you.

• 12:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:47Dr. John Delony?

  It will magnify this.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  I should go to my, my school's, uh, counseling office or should I go on to like, like a better, like a website like BetterHelp?

• 12:57Dr. John Delony?

  If you, if you go to, no, you need to be in front of a person.

• 13:01Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:01Dr. John Delony?

  In front of a live person. If you go to your school, I'm going to tell you right now, they're going to have to respond to the fact that one of their students got hit in the face by another student.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:12Dr. John Delony?

  And so there will be student conduct accountability with this. Make no mistake. They'll have to.

• 13:17Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  Especially because you don't know why this happens and you don't know when this happens again.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 13:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 13:25Speaker 00

  Terrified of.

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  I'm like, if I didn't have any intentions of this at first, like what? Feels like uncontrollable, like what, like, I don't even.

• 13:34Dr. John Delony?

  But the main switch that you've told me is controllable is when I drink, I be, this, this thing gets released.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, and so also you think it's like more than, it's more than just not hardly, like, I need to be completely sober.

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely, yes.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:51Dr. John Delony?

  And if you, if you don't like who you are, or you don't like how you feel when you're sober, then that's when you need to go sit down in a dress. And so the greatest gift you can give her, the greatest act of love you can give her is to say, I need to break off contact with you for 60 days while I go down a rabbit hole to figure out, who, why am I hiding from myself so desperately?

• 14:13Speaker 00

  There's, there's no way to do, to be together and, and do that self-discovery and healing.

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  You can do what you want, man, but I'm telling you from the rooftops, if this was any woman in my sphere, my sister, my wife, my daughter, my friends, my friends' daughters, I would say, do not talk to this person until they are unwound. Period. Because here's the thing, you don't know why you did that.

• 14:45Dr. John Delony?

  That means every time she enters into your space, she's taking a risk to a fist in the face, dude.

• 14:55Dr. John Delony?

  And she's not on the phone with me, you're worth more than that, man.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, I hate that person who, who did that.

• 15:09Dr. John Delony?

  Don't hate the person, hate what happened.

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  If you start to hate, if you try to heal from, "I hate him", you have to heal from a place of, "I'm worth self-control. I'm worth being a safe, loving presence.

• 15:29Dr. John Delony?

  I'm worth being able to see something and exhale and walk away for a bit."

• 15:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:37Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 15:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:39Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't know any man in the world that doesn't have things that set them off. The biggest part, one of the greatest responsibilities of a man is to know those things are there and to take into account when and when not to let them out. I would be willing to bet, I don't have a lot of money, I would be willing to bet a chunk of money that you're not going to be able to do that, because you're not willing to do it.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  Not, Doctor?

• 16:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Not to, not give, like, say, "I need to go get healthy and I'm not safe to be around. We're cutting ties for 60 days. I love you. It's been an amazing nine months. I have to go detox from you as my drug, from figuring out why in the world I drink till I blackout and I become a, like, this dragon comes out of my chest,

• 16:35Dr. John Delony?

  that I've got a kind of this curated image of myself that I have to prop up with weed and alcohol and sex, because I have to numb myself to being in the world of my own skin.

• 16:49Dr. John Delony?

  I need at least 60 days, and we'll put a day on the calendar, we'll go have breakfast. We'll meet in a public place and we'll go have breakfast. But I've got to, I've got to keep you safe and I've got to keep myself safe and I've got to get to the bottom of this. And you will not, by any stretch of the imagination, be quote-unquote "free" in 60 days.

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  But you'll be on a path to begin to see the world a little bit clearer.

• 17:15Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to resolve, brother. I can not touch alcohol because you cannot ever

• 17:29Dr. John Delony?

  hit a woman in the face, drunk, blacked out, sober, ever. Period.

• 17:37Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, man. And I hope you hear me trying to talk to you in love and not just beating you up. And I know that, don't read the comments on this call because people are going to be brutal and awful and ugly. Know that I'm imagining my daughter in her place. And so I do have anger in my chest. You can hear it. I do have rage in my chest. You can hear it. But I'm also trying to honor the fact that I got a hurting, broken kid in front of me who is saying, I don't want to be like this. And I'm willing to sit with you and love you.

• 18:06Dr. John Delony?

  But you have to take full accountability. And that starts with sitting in front of somebody vulnerably, knowing that what I put on the table will have consequences. And those consequences are okay and right. And that will be the path towards getting well. Thanks for the call, brother. I'll take your call anytime you want to call my show and let me know how you're doing. We come back, a mom is struggling to hold it together during her husband's long, silent Navy deployments.

• 18:37Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, everybody in the world is talking about therapy these days. And I often hear folks say, I don't have any major traumas in my life. I don't think therapy is for me. This is super important. Therapy isn't just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that. It has been for me. But it can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional and relational well-being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges that pop up in my life. And many of you should see someone too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule.

• 19:21Dr. John Delony?

  As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Seattle, Washington and talk to Elizabeth. Hey Elizabeth, what's up?

• 19:58Speaker 02

  Hey John, how's it going?

• 20:00Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right. How are you, lady?

• 20:02Speaker 02

  Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Been better, been worse.

• 20:04Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. What's up?

• 20:07Speaker 02

  So, my husband basically becomes a ghost every three years. He's, uh, works in the Navy, he's on a submarine. So, we get about 24 hours notice of comings and goings, which wasn't so bad when it was just me. Um, but now we have a nine-year-old daughter this time around and she's, uh, special needs. She's a little bit on the autistic spectrum, so routine is kind of where she thrives and this is very anti-routine. So, I'm trying to find a way to, uh, help support her and my husband and help them, like, stay connected during these crazy next three years we have coming. I could use some wisdom and a guide map.

• 20:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'll give you a guide map, but you're not gonna like it. Is that cool?

• 20:51Speaker 02

  I'll take it.

• 20:52Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Um, let me get a little more context here. So, on these three-year deployments, um, what does resurfacing look like? Is there times, I know probably every email gets read, there's no communication, that kind of thing?

• 21:04Speaker 02

  100%.

• 21:05Dr. John Delony?

  Whenever, um, are there, no pun intended, are there days and times when it comes up for air and it's free to call, or is it three years of silence?

• 21:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, we get no phone calls, um, but it's not three years in a stretch. So it's a lot of in and out.

• 21:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  So it'll be, it could be, you know, we'll get a call, hey, um, he's leaving tomorrow. Cool. We see him off. And then we'll get a call maybe in, um, three months. Hey, I'm coming home. Okay. So we don't have a date. Um, but there's a lot of in and out. We kind of have a, a season, shall we say, of like, well, he's probably going to be gone over the holidays. Okay. You know, that kind of thing.

• 21:40Dr. John Delony?

  And then you get 24 hours notice and he's got to ship out and it's just silence?

• 21:43Speaker 02

  Exactly. There's no phone calls. Yeah. We get something like email, but you know, there's no links attached. You can't send photos. And you never know, it, they can only get them or receive them when it's safe for them to come up and ping a satellite.

• 21:54Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  And they're kind of in the world's most dangerous game of hide and seek. So it's not very often.

• 21:57Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, that's right. Okay. Um, so I'm going to tell you numero uno, which, oh, let me ask one more question. Sorry. Um, is this y'all, is your daughter, your, y'all choose biological kid? Did y'all adopt her? How did you just suddenly get a nine-year-old with special needs?

• 22:13Speaker 02

  She is, she is our bio kid. Um, but the last time we went through this, uh, this rotation, it was during COVID. So everything was very different.

• 22:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:21Speaker 02

  And we had like video chats every day because he was sick and stuck in a hotel room and it was very different than this time around.

• 22:27Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:27Speaker 02

  And I think now that she's older too, it's been what, three years since the last one. So they do like three years of this crazy in and out. And then three years of like an office job. And then they talk you back into going on the.

• 22:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right, right.

• 22:40Speaker 02

  So, so she's had him dad home pretty much every night for the last three years. Um, and all of that's about to change. And we, I, we have a great relationship. My husband and I have a great relationship.

• 22:49Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  He's got a pretty good relationship with her. Homecoming is always rocky.

• 22:53Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that. Tell me about homecoming.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Uh, everyone's always very, I think it's very typical military families, but for those people who aren't familiar with it, you see the homecomings on TV where everybody hugs and love each other and that's fantastic. But we will have, my daughter and I will have developed a routine and a lifestyle and he's got to figure out like where he fits in and we've got to adjust to this other person being home.

• 23:15Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  And she's got to adjust to another adult that can tell her what to do.

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  So it's, it's kind of a battle. I think last time it really took probably like a year, year and a half for them to be much more comfortable with each other. I'm kind of hoping now that she's older, it will be different. Well, it will always be different, but it will be smoother.

• 23:32Dr. John Delony?

  How verbal is she? How, how, how, how social is she?

• 23:35Speaker 02

  She can talk, she's very expressive in that, in that regard, that's not kind of where our sticking point is, um, but we get into kind of like shutdown mode and meltdown mode from time to time and it's, it's something my husband is also, being in the military, everything is very like rigid, has to happen now.

• 23:52Dr. John Delony?

  Correct.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  And that works for her routine, but when we start getting out of that routine as life requires you to do, um, it's hard for him to slow down.

• 24:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  And you address the melt, you know, kind of get through the meltdown.

• 24:05Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 24:06Speaker 02

  That makes sense.

• 24:07Dr. John Delony?

  Absolutely.

• 24:08Speaker 02

  And then be able to talk to her and also being in the military, like just that she's very sensitive to sound and his voice gets very big.

• 24:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right. So, so I'm hearing two important things. One is her outbursts or her shutdowns, I like to think of them in this way and it's, it's not apples to apples, but, um, I was blown away working with students, with young people with autism that they're way more perceptive than, than they would seem.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:36Dr. John Delony?

  But their outbursts are, can't, I mean, they can be these huge expressions of love that they just don't process like somebody not on the spectrum would. So they come across as shutdown, they come across as hitting, they come across as kind of just manic, if you will, and if somebody's walking in with a picture of this is how my house is going to go now that I am home, yeah, I mean, that's a recipe for, i- i- it's attention that meets tension that meets tension that meets explosion.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Right. That's a great way to put it. And I mean, and she, her shutdowns look like, um, she doesn't want anybody to touch her and as a father coming home, like, I'd be like, he can't even give her a high five or a hug, you know?

• 25:18Dr. John Delony?

  Correct.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  And he also doesn't want to be that man that's forcing himself, you know?

• 25:21Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, of course. So here's a couple of things I would start doing now. When does, give me a range of when he ships out. Is it one month from now? Is it 30 days? Is it tomorrow?

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Actually, we lost him last week.

• 25:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. We, don't say that. Don't say we lost him last week.

• 25:36Speaker 02

  We'll put it this way, he's, he's out finding Nemo, but there aren't really good portholes, so he's gonna be off for a while.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  There you go, there you go, okay. All right. So, um, I would do a couple of things here, big, and then I'm gonna give you the big thing that you're not gonna like, okay?

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 25:49Dr. John Delony?

  Um, thing number one is, I would start, if you can build this into your routine, if you could do it every day, that would be awesome, that's probably too much, if you could do it two or three times a week, or if you could put, y'all like a wall calendar?

• 26:01Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, yeah.

• 26:02Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. If you could put, um, and even ask your daughter if she can put two times a week when we're going to send a message underwater to dad. And that can be, we're gonna write him a letter together. We're gonna draw him a picture together. She's nine, right, you said?

• 26:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And, um, she has some fine motor skill issues, but we do try to do the emails every day, but like I'm finding that like she's just not interested and part of it is because addressing that makes you sad.

• 26:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I, I'm talking about a, um, like with a pen and paper.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

• 26:35Dr. John Delony?

  And so it, it's gonna serve two purposes. One, it's gonna keep her relationally tethered in some shape, form, or fashion. It could be a picture. It could be a, we're both gonna draw a picture of a tree for dad, cause he's underwater and there are no trees underwater.

• 26:48Speaker 02

  That's a great idea.

• 26:49Dr. John Delony?

  But we're gonna do this thing and so that when he shows back up, he will have three years of letters.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:58Dr. John Delony?

  When he returns, we're gonna go get a life-size teddy bear or dog stuffed animal.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  And she during her, um, cause she's gonna be 12 when life quote-unquote resumes, right?

• 27:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's gonna be in and out for the next three years, but then, yeah, and then he'll be home for another three and then we'll see what life brings.

• 27:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I wanna give him something and this is, this is kind of a, uh, end around, cause he needs this too. He's just gonna be a tough military guy and I'd be able to say this out loud. He needs something to hug too.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:31Dr. John Delony?

  So he's gonna walk in and if she shuts down and doesn't wanna hug him, he's gonna say, "I love you so much, but I'm gonna hug this dog and pretend it's you."

• 27:40Speaker 02

  That's a great idea.

• 27:41Dr. John Delony?

  And she, he's gonna get to release that hug and it's not gonna be his daughter. And by the way, my daughter's not on the spectrum and she struggles with sensation with, with, and it breaks my freaking heart that I can't hug her sometimes.

• 27:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm her mom and some, we basically at that time, we're like kisses, hugs, high-fives, knuckles, wave, whatever you want to do.

• 27:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, my daughter and I right now, we just, we just developed a new high-five routine this morning.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  Perfect.

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so, and here's the thing, she wants to hug me. And she gets caught in her own loop and so, but here's the person who has to manage that, me. I'm the adult. And so I will hug the stuffed animal.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:20Dr. John Delony?

  And say, "This is my hug for you. I love you so much." And then we do our high-five routine.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  I love that. That's a great idea.

• 28:27Dr. John Delony?

  But it also gives your husband a way to direct that. He, cause he's gonna have dad guilt and then he's gonna try to wallpaper over the dad guilt with, "I'm serving my country," and then he's gonna go over that with, "But I need to be a dad and be present," and then you're gonna look at him kinda hollowed out cause you're exhausted from being a single parent. It's gonna be all that crap. There's something about, "I can channel that. I can hug my wife and I can hug this little bear." And then I will do the high, that will, it will help regulate an adult, which is embarrassing, but it is what it is, what it is, and I lived that life too.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, that's a great idea.

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  Now, you started this call by, and by the way, give him a thing that he can sit at the table and it could be dinner time and once a week, he's gonna open up one of these pictures or once a night at dinner, when she doesn't wanna talk, she's not making eye contact, she's just eating quietly. He's gonna open this up and it will be, "I love you dad," in the form of a picture of a bird, cause there's no birds underwater.

• 29:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:26Dr. John Delony?

  And his, his job is to take 10 seconds and just say how, "I feel so loved that you drew me this picture of this bird."

• 29:34Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  And how she responds to that will be filtered through all kinds of her ABA stuff and her autism, like all that. That's all well and good. His job is to regulate himself and let her know, "I'm back in a stable, sturdy presence."

• 29:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I gotta admit, like, one of the, one of the things I love best about him is that he's always been, I mean, just as in it as I am and willing to learn and be flexible.

• 29:56Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Having to measure your own reaction.

• 29:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Um, because he'll often ask her a question and, and not, like, she, she's looking for, "What kind of response do you want?"

• 30:07Dr. John Delony?

  That's it, that's it.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  And he's like, "There's no wrong answer."

• 30:09Dr. John Delony?

  That's it, but that, that, when he's measuring his response, she feels that measuredness and she tries to match it and she, the, the challenge with being autistic somewhere on that spectrum is the, the, the return misses.

• 30:23Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 30:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Like, the social return, "I smiled, so you're gonna smile back." It is, I don't, what kind of smile is that? And I don't have in my toolkit that return. And then I see that you go to a frown and now I feel like it's that, it's that volley back and forth that we all just take for granted socially.

• 30:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:41Dr. John Delony?

  If he can take that from her, look at this picture and feel it big. I love this. Or if the volume is too big, I feel so loved right now. Thank you for loving me when I was in the boat underwater. I got to, you, man, this is so great. And that way she doesn't have to volley. She's already hit it and he is returning it. She's getting to witness that experience, but she doesn't have to participate in it. You get what I'm saying?

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, no, that, that's, it gives her a really safe distance, but still feel included. Yeah.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  And then slowly, hopefully she can feel his, not that he's measuring himself, but she can feel the welcomeness and that brings that back. All right, here's the, and again, I am spitballing here. I don't know where she falls on that spectrum. So you modulate that for your daughter in your house and your husband, right?

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:30Dr. John Delony?

  You called, your first question was, how do I help her and help him? The greatest gift you can give them is that you be okay.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  I knew you were gonna say that.

• 31:41Dr. John Delony?

  You have to have a group of women that you just can weep with, laugh with, that you build a new routine with.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think that's something I'm, I'm constantly working on. Cause we're a little older for the military force than most of them. And like, I'm not, I don't drink when my husband goes out. So I don't fall into like the wine mom military category. So it's kind of, I know it's really, really wild and out there, but.

• 32:07Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're, I can tell you're wise, so good for you. But I mean, you could, you can host at your house, like, like the no complaint zone. Like we're gonna invite the wives over and I'm gonna be the wise old, the old mom, right? Like whatever.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:22Dr. John Delony?

  My wife and I waited for a long time to have kids. And so we fall, I mean, most of our, our kids' parents are 10 years younger than us. And so we, like, we kind of serve in that, like, hey, what do y'all think about this? Hey, can we talk this afternoon? Like, and that's cool and awesome, but for you and that routine, and especially for your daughter too. But I'm just gonna set that up Tuesdays and Thursday nights at our house.

• 32:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe one person shows up, maybe four people, and you just have to go be weird.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:50Dr. John Delony?

  And then you've got to commit to, I love that you set some boundaries for yourself. I just don't want to be the, because you'll find yourself 24 months in knocking off a bottle of wine a night and just be like, oh gosh, talking about housewives of like, you don't want to be that person. And I love you for that. Like,

• 33:05Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 33:06Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, but you're going to have to backfill that with, with something more than a nine-year-old with special needs.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. I, I mean, I do work and that helps too. So I, I'm a,

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It doesn't help.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  I get to build other people and that's the fantastic part of my job. I get to be a personal trainer for strength training. I do like strong man and Olympic lifting and I get to take these women who, you know, look at grocery bags and think it's heavy. And they get a whole new aspect on life, you know, by the end of it.

• 33:31Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but who, who are you allowing to build you?

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. I've got a couple of besties, but they live too far away. You're right. So we do a phone call like once a week.

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  Boo.

• 33:43Speaker 02

  It doesn't, it does not fill the hole. You're right, my friend.

• 33:46Dr. John Delony?

  But I, I, maybe you sign up for a race or you sign up for a competition or you sign up for line dancing. I don't know. Like it's you signing up for something, you being a part of something. But if, here's, here's what, here's I'm getting at. You're going to find yourself devoting your life to other people, which is beautiful and amazing. But if it comes at the expense of you being well and whole, you're going to have, you're going to be a completely depleted person when your husband walks in that door. And it's, you're not doing this just for him. You're going to have, you're going to, you're not, you're slowly going to not have anything to give this daughter, to give your husband, to give yourself, to give these clients of yours, unless you also have on the calendar schedule time

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  per day, per week, per month. And as a single mom of a special needs kid, these are fleeting times, right? It's not easy, but where I am allowing somebody else to build me up, whether that's a yoga instructor, like, take a new class, come back and you know, Spanish. I don't know what it is, but when he comes back, you know, Spanish, but allowing yourself, I, to be the best version of myself for all these other people who I love and care about. I have to go first for me. And that starts with you looking in the mirror every morning when you're tired and exhausted and saying, I'm worth an hour today. I'm worth two hours today. I, it's such an honor to talk to you. Anything you need, you call me and call anytime. Thank you for being.

• 35:11Dr. John Delony?

  Serving our country at home, keeping this thing locked down. Thank your husband for what he does. Playing hide and seek in the depths. Thank you so much for everything about your willingness to call in today. I'm super grateful. Anything we can do to help over this journey, you never hesitate to call us. You're a hero. We come back. A man asks, how do I tell my daughter she's gotta move out?

• 35:38Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, let's get cozy. You know that I love adventures and I love being out there in the world, kinda being a little bit crazy, but I'm telling you, at the end of the day, I'm ready to shut it down and go to bed. And when I do, I want my bed soft, cool, and absurdly comfortable, which is exactly what Cozy Earth delivers. Their amazing bamboo sheets are super breathable, they regulate temperature, and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler with my Cozy Earth sheets, and it's not just me. My family's gotten hooked on them too. We've got this giant Cozy Earth blanket that we all fight over, or we all get under at the same time. This thing is ridiculous. It's ultra soft, it's plush, and it's got some weight to it without being too

• 36:23Dr. John Delony?

  heavy. It's like a combined anxiety blanket and a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's amazing. And Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for your family, just like they have for me and my wife. Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code deloney for 40% off your entire purchase. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth right here on this show. That's cozylearth.com/deloney and code deloney to save 40%. Alright, let's go to Milwaukee and talk to Dean. Hey Dean, what's up?

• 36:58Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

• 37:00Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Good, good. Great to talk to you.

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  You too. What's up?

• 37:06Speaker 03

  So, I'll just, I'll just start with my question and then we can go from there.

• 37:12Speaker 03

  So, me and my wife are trying to figure out how to tell our daughter it's, it's time to move out without making her feel like, you know, we're kicking her out.

• 37:23Dr. John Delony?

  Ooh, that's a tough one because one of the hardest things for parents to come to grips with is that we cannot...

• 37:33Dr. John Delony?

  Manage somebody else's feelings.

• 37:37Speaker 03

  Right.

• 37:37Dr. John Delony?

  We can be respectful and treat people with dignity and do the next right thing. And then they get to absorb that, hear that, feel that.

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  In their own way.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Sure. Yeah.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  So how old are you guys?

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Um, my, my wife and I are in our late 50s.

• 37:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 37:56Speaker 03

  And we've been married 34 years.

• 37:58Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  Three children. Yeah.

• 38:00Dr. John Delony?

  Congrats.

• 38:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, great.

• 38:01Dr. John Delony?

  How old's your daughter?

• 38:01Speaker 03

  Thank you. Um, our youngest daughter is the one I'm, I'm calling about. She's 24.

• 38:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So why do you want her gone?

• 38:10Speaker 03

  Well, um, the main reason is I, I'm just thinking, actually, when I say I, we, me and my wife are on the same page with this. But, but we don't see that there's going to be growth for her continuing to stay with us. Um, she moved out, uh, when she went to school, she went to school for two years at a local state college. Um, and then didn't continue on, didn't, wasn't sure what she wanted to do. So we, of course, told her, you're, you're always welcome to come back home. Um, I guess we weren't thinking it was going to last this long.

• 38:48Dr. John Delony?

  No way.

• 38:49Speaker 03

  No. See, we had, with our two older ones, we had similar situations where when they graduated from college, they did come back home, but it was three, six months, somewhere around there.

• 38:59Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 39:00Speaker 03

  And then they moved on. They moved out, uh, with roommates or, uh, partner, uh, and we're just trying to figure out the best way to, uh, tell, tell our daughter that it's time. Uh, because again, I don't see any growth with her staying with us. She's a little bit of a reserved person, so she spends a lot of time in her room. She's a reader. She watches movies, but, um,

• 39:27Dr. John Delony?

  She working?

• 39:29Speaker 03

  She is working, yes. A little fact, she works actually with me at my job. So I get to see her pretty regular. Um, she's a great kid. We don't have any issues with her. Um, she helps around the house. She does dishes. She'll cook a meal or two during the week. She helps mow the grass.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man.

• 39:49Speaker 03

  She's very financially responsible. She's been working since she was 14 and has a huge savings account. Um, we've discussed, you know, her buying a home because she has a really nice nest egg to purchase a home.

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:05Speaker 03

  Um, and, and she just kinda says, "Yeah, yeah, I'm, I'm looking." Um, but that's where it kinda stops.

• 40:12Dr. John Delony?

  So I, I love this conversation because she's not, I get this call a lot, but it's often, "I've got a kid who's just laying around and won't get a job." Or, "I've got a kid who smokes weed all day and plays video games, but doesn't want to go X, Y, and Z." You don't have that. You've got a pretty amazing young woman who is, at 24, finding herself in what I think is the great trap of the 21st century, which is comfort.

• 40:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's just comfortable. And she sounds like she's an amazing person of character because she's helping out all over the place. She's not just, she's, she sounds like she's awesome, but she's also just comfortable.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  Yes, she's great. We go on vacations with her and my other children. Um, she, you know, she is a great person.

• 41:03Dr. John Delony?

  Can I high five you and your wife, dude?

• 41:05Speaker 03

  (laughing)

• 41:06Dr. John Delony?

  That's ama- y'all have done amazing. Amazing.

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, thank you.

• 41:10Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome.

• 41:10Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 41:11Dr. John Delony?

  So I, he- here's where I think this is pretty cool. And y'all get to do a couple of things. I want you and your wife to, and you probably have already done this, but I'm gonna say this for the listeners. I want y'all to begin to dream about the third and fourth quarter of your life.

• 41:34Dr. John Delony?

  Statistically speaking, you may be at the beginning of the fourth quarter, or you may be in the middle of the third quarter. But what do we want our life to look like? Who do we want to be as empty nesters?

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Yes, so we definitely have discussed that, the third and fourth quarter of our life. We were empty nesters for about two years. So we got a taste of it when our youngest went to school for two years. So we had the house to ourselves, which we enjoyed. Not that we don't love our kids, but we enjoyed.

• 42:07Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you don't got to qualify it. I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Yes, we were kind of excited to finally be empty nesters and get on with the next chapter.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 42:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:21Dr. John Delony?

  So I think that's where I would start. Because this is a truism in marriage conflicts or marriage conversations, is always starting with the words "I" instead of "you."

• 42:36Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:37Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you sit down and say, "All right, you are the most ama-" I just started with you there, but I want to say, "You have far surpassed our dreams for you as a person of character. You're a hard worker. You're a key part of our business. I hope you take it over someday." I don't know if that's true or not. I just put those words in your mouth. But you're a great saver. You help around this house. You are amazing. And I, your mom and I, are in the middle of our third quarter, and we want to begin to head off into the back half of our life as empty nesters. And so we're going to come up with a plan for you to begin moving out.

• 43:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:21Dr. John Delony?

  And that will be three months, six months. You are, we love you, and you are ready to fly. And because y'all are on great terms, I don't know that in my house, it would be a laughter-filled, "This is us kicking you out of the nest." And it would, but it'd be a fun, it'd be a funny conversation. That's not every household.

• 43:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think it might help to try to bring some humor to the conversation. I, I think she might be nervous about

• 43:49Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 43:49Speaker 03

  The fact that, that we would be telling her, yeah, you have to go.

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  And, and tell us, we love you so much that

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  We can't let you continue to be this awesome third roommate of ours.

• 44:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:01Dr. John Delony?

  We love you so much. We want you to get out there and find your 35 year marriage. We want you to get out there and have your own house, build your own equity. Like, we love you that much.

• 44:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:15Dr. John Delony?

  But if you, if you notice, all my language is, we want, we love you, we are making these boundaries, not, you've been here too long, you need to get out, it's time you go get a house. This is all y'all taking full ownership of how y'all feel and what y'all want to do next.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah.

• 44:34Dr. John Delony?

  And then you're feel, obvi- obviously say, we hope you hear this in love, but we also know you're 24 and you're our kid and you may just be like, they kicked me out. And y'all can laugh and be like, we're kind of kicking you out of the nest, but we know you can fly, right?

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Right, right. She can totally fly. She's an intelligent young woman.

• 44:53Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  It's just gonna be an uncomfortable, I believe, you know, I think more for my wife maybe than me, just because I, you know, she's a little more sensitive to this, to this subject.

• 45:07Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 45:08Speaker 03

  It, it just might be a...

• 45:11Dr. John Delony?

  But I think also y'all let her know, we are not being fair to you.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  We are beginning to get accustomed to having a maid slash roommate slash somebody paying rent, like, I don't know how she, how y'all function, but that's not fair to you.

• 45:29Dr. John Delony?

  We aren't loving you to our full capacity by letting you stay in this nest forever.

• 45:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:36Dr. John Delony?

  And so I would also give her a runway. You got three months, 90 days, you get six months, y'all get to decide that.

• 45:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. And by the way, she does, she does pay rent. That was one of the criteria.

• 45:49Dr. John Delony?

  So, I mean, I mean, I see y'all get to say like, we're gonna lose money on this deal. We're gonna have to hire a, a, a yard person like,

• 46:00Dr. John Delony?

  we, this will come at a cost to us too, because we love having you here and it's becoming increasingly unfair to you.

• 46:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the thing, she might laugh, she might cry, she might hug y'all. She, it sounds like she's gonna be somebody that's gonna say, I know.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  She might be. I think that, that's a probably a, a fair statement, at least from, in my mind, that she might already have a sense just in the back of her mind that this may be coming.

• 46:29Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and some kids, like especially good, young folks like, like you've raised, she might be worried about y'all.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  And you get kind of this figure, it's kind of like the infinity loop. There's like, y'all love having her around, but gosh, she's 24. She's got to get out and get on her own and start building her own sea legs. And also, I don't like being 24 and live with my parents, but man, they need the extra help and I like being here to give them a little extra money and, and if one person breaks that dance, sometimes everybody exhales and like, okay, good, thank you.

• 47:02Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 47:03Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe not, maybe it's both, but it may be all that all in one big mushed pot. But I also think I'll help you. I will go, you, you get five houses that you want to go look at. I'll go, we'll, we'll both go with you.

• 47:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:16Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I'll sit with you when you sign your first mortgage. I will, like, I'll do all those things with you. Um, this is just, uh, it's like, we're old. It's time for us to kick you out of the nest. We're not being fair.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, we need her, we need her to grow. And I, and again, I'm not certain that that's happening and that that's, we're doing her a disservice by allowing her to stay with us if I'm, if I'm explaining myself correctly.

• 47:42Dr. John Delony?

  I think you're, I think that's, she sounds like a wise, wise young woman, and I think she will hear that. Even if she won't like it, it won't feel good, she will understand that.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I hope so.

• 47:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. But every bird kicks their baby out of the nest, not because the bird's mean, but because, because the bird knows, this little bird has to learn to fly or it's gonna die, it's not gonna make it. And so, we've given you two years, three years, we're all here stable, we wanna push ourselves to be uncomfortable, to figure some things out in the back half of our life, and the best way we can love you is to let you get out there and be uncomfortable in the world so you can develop your own strength, your own sea legs, your own, fill in the blank. So, yeah, I think this is a great conversation, and expect there to be tears, expect there to be frustration, expect there to be, well, I didn't think, all of that is a normal part of this exchange.

• 48:38Dr. John Delony?

  But the more you and your wife can say "I" and "we" instead of "you," the, the more honest this conversation becomes. So, good on you, brother, for raising good, for having a great marriage, for raising three great kids, and for not allowing the comfortable option for everybody, which is, dude, we have somebody paying rent, we got some extra money, we got extra hel- hands around the house, we're gonna love our daughter enough to let her fly. You're awesome, Dean. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. I love my Poncho shirts. If you've seen me on this show or on stages across the country, I'm almost always wearing Poncho shirts.

• 49:19Dr. John Delony?

  I wear Poncho when I'm fishing in the Gulf, and I was wearing Poncho shirts this weekend while I was mowing out here, my little miniature farm out here outside of Nashville. I'm telling you, you should wear Poncho shirts too, because Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. I love- They're denims and they're insanely soft flannels, but right now it's super hot outside and I'm wearing Poncho's ultralight shirts all the time. They're lightweight, they're breathable, and they're still tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings. Everything from travel to being up to my chest in the surf or doing wild yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. They drive fast and they don't cling or bunch up and

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  they come in slim or regular fits so you don't have to walk around looking like a circus tent. Here's what I want you to do. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and check out the selection of my favorite shirts on there like the Laramie and the Buffalo. And right now, new customers get $10 off from your first purchase when you sign up with your email. That's $10 off at ponchooutdoors.com/deloney.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back and we've got a money and marriage question. By the way, our money and marriage retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee, and we have one in November and we have one Valentine's Day weekend. They are selling super fat. I don't even know if they're sold out, but they're selling fast. Go check them out. We'd love to have you here. They always sell out. We've got people from all over the planet coming in. Love to have you and your spouse with us here in Nashville. You can go to johndeloney.com and check it out for events or go to ramsaysolutions.com/events and find out where you can get tickets. All right, here's a question. We have an anonymous box at Money and Marriage and people put questions in and we've got so many great ones that I'm reading a few on the show every

• 51:14Dr. John Delony?

  once in a while. So here we go. Here's an anonymous question that we got during the Money and Marriage event. "My spouse and I are in a sexless marriage once per month, and that's if I don't mess it up. She feels that we have plenty of sex. Obviously, I feel differently. I've been this way our whole marriage despite me trying everything I know. What am I missing?" Wow. It's hard for me to just say, "What am I missing?" because there is so much here. The place I would start if you were sitting with me is this is more than likely not about the act of sex. This is about...

• 52:02Dr. John Delony?

  Safety in a relationship, this is about trauma, this is about physical health, whether it's hormonal, whether it is vaginismus, whether it is a lack of attraction, this is about maybe you not participating in how the house runs, or she doesn't feel loved in this house, she doesn't feel seen or heard or known in this house, yet you swoop in and say, "I want to do it." Or it could be she doesn't, like, some of the questions, some of the conversations we've had at this money marriages, "I really want to have sex, but I am grossed out by how I look in the mirror, and I feel less than in the bedroom, and so I don't want to reciprocate."

• 52:42Dr. John Delony?

  There's a lot here, but often, the act of how many numbers of time we are having intercourse becomes a proxy conversation, becomes a proxy war for a whole host of issues going on in a marriage. And so I would sit all the way back and ask questions like, "Tell me where you feel loved and safe in this marriage." "Tell me what love looks like for you." "Tell me what

• 53:14Dr. John Delony?

  what you love about the physical act of having sex, what do you not love about it?" "How do I make you feel during the lead-up, during foreplay, during intimacy, during 8 o'clock in the morning, when I'm hoping we have sex at 8 o'clock that night?

• 53:30Dr. John Delony?

  How do I show up in our marriage in a way that makes you feel so safe and so loved, that you want to be with me in this way?" And begin having some of those conversations. If this has been going on for a long time, and honestly, the way you say, "If I don't mess it up," that tells me that some, your wife in some ways is using sex as a bargaining chip, or as a weapon, or as a means of control. Maybe she's just awful, maybe it's the only lever she feels like she has in a house where she's got no voice. You take care of the money, you take care of the job, you take care of where y'all go on vacations, and this is the only lever she's got. Like, there's so much here for potential conversations.

• 54:11Dr. John Delony?

  I would recommend you starting the conversation this way. "Honey, I made us an appointment with a local marriage counselor, because I want to love you the best way that I know how." And I have realized that I'm not communicating in a way that you feel heard or loved. And that I don't feel like I am loved in this marriage. Would you please go? Come with me. That's how I would probably start this conversation. But libido differences, I want to do it more, she wants to do it less. I want to do it more, he wants to do it less. That's very, very common in marriages.

• 54:51Dr. John Delony?

  And it is also common that one or more partners use this as a weapon, as a bargaining chip. And that's never healthy. So I would stop the conversation about the act of can we have intercourse? Can we intercourse? And ask a much deeper question. How are we doing? You don't feel loved and I don't feel loved. Let's get to the bottom of that conversation first. Thank you so much for listening to the show, everybody. Be nice to each other. Be kind out in the world.