How To Set EFFECTIVE Boundaries Without Sabotaging Your Relationships

In this powerful masterclass focusing on family relationships, I sit down with three remarkable guests who share their profound insights on marriage, family, success, authenticity, and personal growth. Best-selling author Melissa Urban shares transformative wisdom about creating boundaries that lead to freedom in all relationships. Renowned comedian Gabriel Iglesias discusses the challenges of balancing relationships with fame and setting healthy boundaries. Award-winning actress and author Tabitha Brown opens up about maintaining a strong 20+ year marriage while navigating Hollywood success. Together, these conversations reveal essential truths about maintaining authentic connections while pursuing your dreams. In this episode you will learn:Why trying to control everything blocks authentic relationships and personal growthThe importance of setting clear boundaries while maintaining compassion and flexibilityHow to navigate relationship changes as you step into your authentic selfThe power of expressing feelings honestly instead of using unhealthy coping mechanismsHow to keep your marriage strong when one partner experiences increased fame and successFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1697For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Melissa Urban – greatness.lnk.to/1567SCGabriel Iglesias – greatness.lnk.to/1593SCTabitha Brown – greatness.lnk.to/1600SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

• 0:19Lewis Howes?

  This is what I think people don't understand is you were extremely successful before these last couple of years of healing, of therapy and creating boundaries. You didn't have a certain boundaries, but you had this massive, you know, number one New York Times bestselling book and, you know, this massive audience. You were extremely successful. So you can still function and be successful, but there was, you didn't have boundaries and you hadn't processed a lot, right?

• 0:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, by the time I wrote my books, I was pretty decent at boundaries, especially around my

• 0:51Lewis Howes?

  With whole thirty?

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Yes, especially around my entrepreneur-ing because I figured it out super fast when I quit my full-time job.

• 0:57Lewis Howes?

  But in your personal life?

• 0:59Speaker 01

  No, not as much.

• 1:00Lewis Howes?

  That's what I'm saying. You didn't have the boundaries in your personal life still.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Not as much. I had some in some areas, right? Around my drug addiction and recovery, really solid boundaries. But no, not

• 1:10Lewis Howes?

  Relationships.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, relationships, especially with like, you know, family, parents.

• 1:13Lewis Howes?

  And you were still able to be successful

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:15Lewis Howes?

  in society's terms with getting results.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19Lewis Howes?

  Which I think people can see that and be like, oh, she's got it all figured out.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23Lewis Howes?

  And, and you were able to function at a high level and accomplish a lot, but there's still stuff inside of you that you were working through.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Definitely.

• 1:31Lewis Howes?

  And that's why I asked you a question. What do you think is available on the other side? When you open the box, is it the right time for you? I'm not trying to have you open it up in this week or something, but when the time works for you, which you said may never be the right timing, what is available on the other side?

• 1:45Speaker 01

  It's freedom.

• 1:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  It's literally freedom. What is available on the other side is freedom. And that's really at the heart of my boundary practice. I think so many people think that boundaries are about pushing people away or holding them at a distance, or that they're controlling or manipulative. Boundaries are a gift in your relationship. Even in a relationship in which you are so close and so open and so vulnerable, like with my husband, we still have boundaries that are healthy for both of us.

• 2:14Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 2:15Speaker 01

  And so on the other side of like opening this box and exploring it will simply come a new set of boundaries. And hopefully those boundaries have continued to expand our relationship. And they continue to allow me to show up in a way that still feels good to me and safe to me. And then as that relationship progresses, hopefully I can back those boundaries off. Because showing up all the time or most of the time feels good and safe. That's what's on the other side of it.

• 2:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  It's really freedom.

• 2:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think it's creating the freedom. And it's not saying, okay, you can walk all over me and do whatever you want now.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  No, yeah.

• 2:49Lewis Howes?

  With friends or family or intimate loved ones. It's creating new boundaries in that space of freedom.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Correct, exactly.

• 2:56Lewis Howes?

  You know, you might still put people at a distance, but you feel like you have freedom from that relationship. Or from the past, right?

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's not even distancing, right? What it's essential, I'm not distancing myself from my husband or from my son when I set a boundary. What I am saying is, I have this need, I have this feeling that I'm taking responsibility for. And here is that limit, because you're not a mind reader and I shouldn't expect you to know it. And if you can meet me in this limit, then what you get is like a happier mom, a more patient mom, a more loving wife, a more, you know, romantic wife, somebody who can show up as her fullest self. Because I just had this like one small thing that I've asked you to do that you've said you're willing to do for the good of our relationship and for my own health and safety, yeah.

• 3:42Lewis Howes?

  Freedom, how free do you feel on a scale of one to 10? 10 being ultimate freedom. In these relationships that maybe you haven't opened the box yet.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  I mean, I still would say like a nine.

• 3:54Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  I do, and I think it's because I recognize that I am in control of how I choose to respond to these situations. Right, so I can't control what my mom does or says, or whether she goes to therapy. I can't always control the way my husband shows up, or my sister, or my colleagues at work. But I can always control how I respond to those things. And that sense of empowerment, I think, that comes from boundaries, that come from my recovery practice, that come from therapy, that comes from my movement practice, like all of these things that require me to check in with myself and ask myself what I need, and then realize that I have the power to act on that. Those are the things that bring me real freedom.

• 4:37Lewis Howes?

  You and I have both been in relationships that we weren't in full alignment with the other, with our partners in the past.

• 4:46Lewis Howes?

  What do you think are the, the boundaries that people fail to set the most in these relationships that don't work? And that continue not to work over time? What do we fail to set, once we realize there's massive breakdowns?

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I think, and this is the real challenge, is that when you're in a relationship breakdown or things aren't going well, and I hear stories like this from thousands of people all the time, right? Where it's like, I, the, in heterosexual relationships, the wife is doing all of the household management, and all of the childcare, and the, you know, expectations are only placed on her. And it's like, she is the default for everything, and she has to ask her husband to help and pitch in and babysit his own kids, and she comes to me and says, like, I don't know what to do in this situation. And the challenging thing is that at that point, you can't solve that with a simple boundary, right? The boundary has to be like, I am going to go to therapy myself to explore what my options are.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Because at this point, the way this relationship is working is not working for me.

• 5:50Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  But if we go back to like, some of the things we've talked about, even earlier on in a relationship, I think, setting a boundary, like, right away in a relationship, immediately, even before you start dating, can be a super good litmus test for how well you can communicate. So it's like, we're talking about going on a first date, and it's like, oh, by the way, I don't drink. So I'd love to meet you for happy hour, I'll just have like, a tea, and see if there's pressure. See if that is weird, see if they give you like, pushback on that. Or, you can talk about, you know, before you get intimate, like, by the way, you know, this is what I said to my husband, like, by the way, you're wearing a condom. And until we both get STD tested and like, swap tests, that's gonna continue. And like, If that isn't respected, that's an immediate relationship ender for me. Like, that's it, right?

• 6:36Speaker 01

  So I think it can be helpful early on to set boundaries in relationships just to see how you discuss them, how you each view them. Do they see it as selfish? And if so, can you have that conversation? Do they push back? How do they handle when you navigate that pushback? I think that can be really important.

• 6:52Lewis Howes?

  What about with, um, children? You know, as a parent, I don't have kids yet, so I can't relate to that. I can relate to my experience as a kid being obnoxious to my parents.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  Uh, and probably driving them crazy and understanding that it's challenging for parents. Uh, how do healthy, conscious parents create healthy boundaries with kids without neglecting their kids' emotions, feelings, and needs?

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think the two are definitely not mutually exclusive. So I think the first thing that you can do as parents is model healthy boundaries for your kids. So it is me, you know, saying to my husband, like, hey, I need a half an hour of alone time. I'm gonna go to my room. I'll come back out, you know, after I'm feeling a little bit more refreshed. Like, when my son watches us do that, he recognizes that, like, in this family, it's okay to say no, that people don't get mad when you say no, that mom's taking responsibility for her own feelings. So we've been modeling healthy boundaries. But I've had boundaries with my son from the very earliest age, and I have set boundaries on his behalf. So one of the earliest boundaries I set with him, or for him, was when you visit grandma or grandpa, or Nana and pop-pop, and, or Auntie Kelly, and you don't see them very often. You don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  We have to be polite and say goodbye and say thank you, but you can hug, you can kiss, you can wave, you can fist bump, you can make a funny face, you can, you know, high five, whatever you want, but you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to. And so we had this, like, issue once with my mom where she was like, I really wanna hug. Like, I haven't seen him in such a long time. I only see him a few times a year, and I'm like, I get it, but he doesn't wanna hug you. And like, you need to respect that. And she did, and I recognized that it was disappointing for her, but also what I taught my son was that you have agency. And if you don't want to hug, you don't have to. And so now, you know, I'll come sit next to him on the couch when he's nine and I'll be like, hey, do you want to watch Naked and Afraid and like do a little snuggle? And he'll be like, I'd love to watch the show, but I don't want to snuggle. I'm like, cool, that's fine. Yeah, that's good.

• 8:48Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  So we've raised him in the culture of boundaries and he feels now comfortable setting boundaries with me. And he, you know, boundaries really create a sense of safety for kids. They do because they, you know, realize that the adults in their household are taking responsibility for their own feelings. That boundaries are not about pushing other people away. They're about, you know, creating that sense of like family in a way that works for everybody. And I think they feel really safe to my kid.

• 9:16Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. And what are the biggest boundaries you've had to create for yourself? Healthy boundaries for you individually, separate from family and loved ones and...

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Zillions. I think boundaries with yourself are so incredibly powerful because they only rely on one person to hold them.

• 9:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  And you can immediately reclaim your time, your energy, your capacity, your mental health, your physical space and sense of safety. Like that's an immediate benefit from you setting one boundary with yourself. The challenging thing is that if you don't keep that boundary, like what's going to happen? Right? If you say to yourself, I'm not going to check my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, which is one of my most beloved boundaries and the one that I've set for many, many years and the one that I still hold to. If I do roll over and check my phone before I go to the gym and do my meditation, like nobody's going to jump out of the closet and slap the phone out of my hand. So...

• 10:12Lewis Howes?

  But you're going to know.

• 10:13Speaker 01

  I will know. And what's going to happen is that there will be a massive ripple effect to future Melissa.

• 10:19Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 10:20Speaker 01

  I think about future me all the time.

• 10:22Lewis Howes?

  Totally more.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  What is the decision that I'm making right now and how is it going to impact future Melissa? Because current Melissa is going to be so happy to just like stay up late and not start her bedtime routine and just do like one more, you know, show on Netflix. But what will this mean for future Melissa? She's going to be really mad at herself because she didn't get to bed on time. And then she's going to fall asleep late. And then she's probably not going to have as good a night's sleep. And then when she wakes up tomorrow, she's not going to be pumped for the gym. And she might even skip it because she's going to be tired. If she skips the gym before she does this interview, she was, she's like not going to be a good guest because she won't feel grounded and centered. Like when I play it out that way, it makes it a lot easier for me to be like, go to bed. Because future Melissa will benefit. So I have boundaries with myself where I'm not checking

• 11:03Speaker 01

  my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine, not checking my phone in like the half hour before bedtime. So I'm not checking Twitter one more time or email one more time. I have really strong boundaries. Like when I'm out of office, I am out of office unless something is on fire, you do not call or text me and I will not be checking text messages or emails. So, you know, I, I think I set boundaries with myself pretty often because I know that they can be like an instant sense, they can give me an instant sense of freedom.

• 11:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  And nobody else has to even worry about it.

• 11:35Lewis Howes?

  What's the boundary you've set in the last two years for yourself that has given you the most benefit?

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Hmm. I think I've become more rigorous about what I say yes to in terms of work opportunities.

• 11:47Lewis Howes?

  It's good.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  It's hard as an entrepreneur not to feel like you have to or should say yes to everything. And like if I don't say yes to this, maybe they won't ask me again. Or who knows what this like lunch or coffee could turn into. But I think, I don't know if we talked about this, but like four years ago, I got a concussion. I'm still going through post concussion symptoms that are triggered by air travel, events like this, speaking events, in-person events, like any kind of stressor can set my concussion symptoms off. And that forced me to become more rigorous.

• 12:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  About what I say yes to. So now, again, I kind of have this like automatic pause before I say yes to anything. Even something that I think I'm super excited about, it's like quick pause. Can you work this into your schedule? Will you have capacity to do this? What else is this going to push off your plate? And is that acceptable to you? What are the things you're gonna have to make up when you get back home? And then once I think about that, I either say yes or no. And if I say no, it's because again, I know I'm serving future me. I can be disappointed, but I can also be happy that I've checked in with my own needs. So that I think I've really dialed in on the last couple of years. And I think it's made a big difference in my overall capacity.

• 12:58Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:00Lewis Howes?

  What boundary are you to set for yourself next year that you haven't done yet?

• 13:04Speaker 01

  I don't know. I'm not a New Year's resolution person. I tend to just take on these like self-improvement things as I stumble.

• 13:12Lewis Howes?

  As I come.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, like I started my cold shower experiment like in February two years ago, just randomly.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  So I'm not a New Year's resolution person and there is no one-size-fits-all for boundaries. I won't know what my needs are next year until I get to next year. And then I'm in the moment and I go, you know, my context has changed, my capacity has changed, my goals have changed. Do I still, I'm always reevaluating my boundary. Do I still need a boundary here? And if so, is this the boundary that I need? Because they should be flexible and I shouldn't keep a limit in place that no longer serves me.

• 13:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  So, so I don't know. Ask me next year.

• 13:50Lewis Howes?

  What do you see since you've been working through this book for a while now? You've heard a lot of conversations from people, single, in relationships, family challenges, different things. What do you see that society needs in general to create better and healthier boundaries around?

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Hmm, welcome to my favorite TED Talk.

• 14:12Lewis Howes?

  It's just with social media, with work, with, you know, all the, the political stuff. Just what, what do people need in general moving into next year, you think?

• 14:20Speaker 01

  I mean, we need honestly so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people. And I'm, I will say especially women, especially moms, is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity, which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and trauma and the media. We have been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that, to not have needs. To not have needs, to be selfless, especially as a mom. We are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Like we're not even on our own list. And if we're on the list, we're at the very bottom. And then when we do have a need and we speak it, we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct. And then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds. Or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a [BLEEP]. Or any of those other monikers. So we have been conditioned to not have boundaries. Societally, and I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs. And to have those needs feel worthy. And the fact that like you of, you know, your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs.

• 15:47Speaker 01

  And then to remember that we have the power. To advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person. If I set a boundary with you, it can't be dependent on what you choose to do. The boundary I set has to depend on me, the actions that I am willing to take. In our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy.

• 16:09Lewis Howes?

  Give me an example around that.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Um, I, we're in a, we're in an argument and it starts to get really, really heated. And I say to you. Please don't speak to me like that. It's really making me feel unsafe. I don't like it when you use those words. It's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand. And you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that, right? I can't depend on you to change your communication style. The only thing I can do is say. I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it. I'm going to take a 10 minute break. After 10 minutes, I'll come back to see if you're ready. So I can't depend on you. If I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics. And we don't agree with politics, I can say.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  Could we change the subject, please? And if they say no, then I have to enact my boundary, which is, okay, I'm going to go for a while.

• 16:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, remove yourself.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  I'm going to leave the table, yeah. So. All of that to say, we have a lot of unlearning to do about what it means to have needs. And to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly. And what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly, right? A man says it and he's decisive. A woman says it and she's aggressive. There's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do, I think, before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative.

• 17:30Lewis Howes?

  What I'm hearing you say is the boundary doesn't rely on another person's reaction. It relies, or if they agree to it or not, it relies on you.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 17:39Lewis Howes?

  Removing yourself in a conscious way from the situation.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 17:43Lewis Howes?

  Independent of how they show up.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Correct. Now, I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request.

• 17:49Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Right? Because you didn't know I had a limit. So I'm gonna say to you, hey, I need, I could use a half hour of alone time. Would you mind if I go in my room? Or, you know, would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something, right? And if you say no, then my boundary is to remove myself. So I think that's another common misconception is that, you know, boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people. I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit, but I always have a backup plan. This is what I'm gonna do.

• 18:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it sounds like you're using emotional intelligence language, which is, you know, I have a request, this is my request. Will you honor this request?

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 18:29Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to screaming at someone like, you're crossing my boundary, you know, if they didn't even know what the boundary was.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 18:34Lewis Howes?

  Just making a request first and seeing if people will honor, respect it, or renegotiate it in some way.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:42Lewis Howes?

  If you want to accept that or not, you know, it all kind of depends.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Yes, I have this like green, yellow, red boundary framework that I've been using since the earliest days of my recovery, where I evaluate sort of the level of threat that the boundary crossing has on our relationship. And I've got these three different levels of boundary communication. So if your mother-in-law shows up on your porch uninvited, and, you know, you really want her to call before you come over, but you've never said that before. I don't want you to like, open the door and go like, Barbara, you're not welcome without calling first and slam the door. That's like a red level boundary. We don't need to start there. The green is, hey, would you please call before you come over and give us at least an hour's notice? That would be really helpful. Thanks. That's your green, right? You're going in with a request, you're inviting her to meet it. Chances are, she's gonna go, yeah, that's fine.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  Now, if she shows up on your door again after you've expressed that limit, and it's not some kind of emergency, you're free to open the door and say, oh, Barbara, you didn't call and it's not a good time. Would you like to come back and visit this weekend? Or should I just call you later on tonight, right? That's you holding your boundary.

• 19:45Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 19:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:47Lewis Howes?

  And then red is what?

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Red is you don't answer the door. Because you've asked now several times for her to call before she comes by. It's an unreasonable request until the answer is like, you are not entitled to my time and home and space and family anytime you please. That does not feel unreasonable to me.

• 20:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, especially if they've said, yes, I honor your request and I will do this. And then if they say no, then you just say, okay, well, I'm not gonna open the door, maybe. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

• 20:17Speaker 01

  Sometimes you have to like live in the yellow. So this is really common with conversations around like diet, body weight. If it's like really ingrained in your family to talk about how much weight you've lost or whether or not this person has lost weight or how many calories you're consuming. And these conversations tend to happen like around food. That can be really uncomfortable and triggering for some people. So you may say, hey, I would prefer not to participate in conversations where we're talking about my body, your body, anyone's body, calories. Can we just not talk about that? And they say, yes. And then they bring it up at the table because it's very common, like family culture. You might have to use that yellow limit and remind them, hey, we agreed not to talk about this. If you can't change the subject, I'm gonna excuse myself from the table. You may have to live in the yellow for a while if you're trying to re kind of change family

• 21:02Speaker 01

  patterns. But if they agree in the moment, they say, oh, yeah, you're right, I forgot. Then that's a win. And when you do that, when you continue to remind them, eventually, right? They're gonna remember, they're gonna remind themselves and that's how you change entire family.

• 21:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and people may agree to something and then forget. You know, it might take a couple of times to be like, that's my bad, you're right.

• 21:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, sure.

• 21:24Lewis Howes?

  How does someone create a better boundary around food?

• 21:29Lewis Howes?

  And where is the, why do people cross the boundary of consuming way more than they actually need for their bodies so frequently?

• 21:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. I feel like that's not an area where I have enough credentials or experience to talk about because there are so many factors involved in people's eating habits, right? There's physiological factors, there's stress factors, there's emotional factors, there's the impact of the, you know, kind of food that we're eating and the foods that are being marketed to us. I think there are a lot of reasons. And boundaries around food are tricky because you never want a boundary to feel punitive. So, you know, do I have boundaries around food?

• 22:20Speaker 01

  Kind of, I guess, in that I don't eat foods that I know don't work for my body. But that's not like all the time.

• 22:28Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 22:29Speaker 01

  I don't eat gluten almost ever on a regular basis because I know it really messes with my digestion and my skin and my mood. But when my mom bakes her chocolate chip walnut cake, a hundred percent of the time, I'm like, yeah, I'm on it.

• 22:40Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  So I think what I'm saying here is that my boundary isn't necessarily specific to like a food or drink. What my boundary is, is I'm not going to automatically say yes or no until I check in with myself and ask myself, is it worth it? Do I want it? What's the context? How I'm feeling? So maybe the boundary is like, I just don't have an automatic yes or no.

• 23:01Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  It's the very first question I ask is reflective.

• 23:04Lewis Howes?

  You know, when humans don't express their feelings in a healthy way, don't have a safe space to express them, men, women, whoever, bad things happen.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:15Lewis Howes?

  That's why I think we see a lot of pain and suffering in the world and a lot of war and dis-ease that's happening, caused by a lot of men, because they don't have the space to share. And that's why I think it's so important, you're talking about boundaries, talking about healing, talking about creating a healthy boundary with yourself.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:32Lewis Howes?

  Opening up, expressing yourself. And I think, I hope more people hear this message. Men and women and every, every human hears this message about opening up their feelings. And it can be journaling. It doesn't have to be expressing it to social media every day. It can be journaling, talking to a therapist, talking to a friend. Uh, it can look different for everyone.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  It should, yeah, it can and it should. And I think, again, boundaries are a great way to start that opening up because you don't want to vomit every feeling you've ever had in a space that might not be safe for you. So you can set limits with different people, with social media groups, with whatever that looks like. To be able to start sharing in a way that does feel safe. And then hopefully expand those limits as you gain confidence with sharing your feelings and as you're affirmed. Because you're sharing with the right people.

• 24:23Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:25Lewis Howes?

  So you said you were with drugs and alcohol addiction, right?

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Not alcohol. I never drank.

• 24:29Lewis Howes?

  Drug addiction.

• 24:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, just a lot of drugs.

• 24:31Lewis Howes?

  Do you think if you would have expressed your feelings more regularly, you would do less drugs at that time?

• 24:38Speaker 01

  I would never have started doing drugs.

• 24:40Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 24:40Speaker 01

  The only reason I started doing drugs was because at sixteen, I was sexually assaulted. I didn't tell anyone for a year. When I did tell my family, they didn't handle it well and they said, "We can't tell anyone. We need to keep it quiet or it will hurt the family." And I felt like I had no outlet whatsoever. They put me in therapy, but like I didn't, I didn't want to talk about it.

• 25:01Lewis Howes?

  But you couldn't talk about it to your family?

• 25:02Speaker 01

  I couldn't talk about it to my family. I had, I had internalized the message that obviously it was my fault. Obviously, I had done something wrong. And so I began looking for things to numb that experience and to numb these feelings that I had been shoving down. I tried controlling my eating, that didn't work. I tried drinking, that didn't work. And then I found drugs and I was like, "This is it. Here we are."

• 25:24Lewis Howes?

  It made you feel better?

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:25Lewis Howes?

  It was a coping mechanism?

• 25:28Speaker 01

  It was the first thing that took me as far away from myself as I wanted to be. And then I spent five years doing it.

• 25:34Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:35Lewis Howes?

  So how did you start to shift out of that? Was it talking about your feelings more? Like, when did it, the process changed to a different coping mechanism?

• 25:44Speaker 01

  Well, I mean, it started when I went into rehab twice. I went in twice, right? The second time, it really stuck and I decided I was going to really change every aspect of my life and, and really become this healthy person with healthy habits. That was really the first time I ever set boundaries around my addiction and my recovery. And I think that's what changed it for me. That's why I didn't have a second relapse. But then it was just a process. So I, I started exercising and I certainly exercised to an unhealthy degree. But then that modulated itself and then I started eating healthier and did my first whole thirty. And was like, "Oh, wow. The way you're using food is not super healthy." And, you know, then I went back to therapy and started talking about more things, but not all the things. And I went through my divorce and really started talking about all the things.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  So it's been like a, a process for sure. Yeah, and I'm sure, you know, I'll talk to you two or three years from now and be like, "Oh, since we've talked, I've done like X, Y, and Z, and here are the other things I've done." But...

• 26:41Lewis Howes?

  What's the thing you're most proud of, Melissa?

• 26:44Speaker 01

  I'm like a way better mom than I ever thought I would be. I'm a really good mom. I have a well of patience for my child that nobody in my life, myself included, knew existed. And I have a sense of love for him that I've never before experienced and like never will again. I'm a way better mom than I thought I would be, and I'm really proud of that.

• 27:10Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful. That's really cool.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  I love my kiddo.

• 27:13Lewis Howes?

  That's really cool. Just wait till he's a teenager, right?

• 27:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. I can see that now. He's nine. He's in a nice little sweet spot now.

• 27:21Lewis Howes?

  How do you, uh, how do you learn to let go of a relationship or relationships with people that don't respect your boundaries?

• 27:29Speaker 01

  So this is the thing. If your boundary is you telling other people what you are willing to do to keep yourself safe and healthy, that doesn't always mean that the outcome is like desirable. If you're talking about boundaries at work and they won't respect them, are you willing to transfer departments, go to HR, look for a new job? If it's boundaries with a family member and they will not respect them to the point where it is seriously harming your relationship, your physical health, your mental health, are you willing to cut that person off? Are you willing to take a break from them? Or seriously limit the way that you choose to engage with them? We will communicate only via email and text at this point, not in person, not on the phone.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  You have actions that you are able to take, but that doesn't mean that those actions are always easy or always your desired outcome. And then what you have to ask yourself is, how willing am I to let this person continue to harm me? For the sake of preserving this relationship and like, what would that look like? What does it look like? And are there limits that I can set in between letting them run me over exactly the way they are and cutting off the relationship altogether? Because there are a lot of things, I think, that you could do in between to preserve the relationship in a way that works for you. You just have to be willing to like, find it and then ultimately hold it for yourself.

• 28:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Oh, man.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  I know. It's not easy, but I don't, I don't want to be in a relationship that makes me feel like crap every time I show up.

• 29:00Lewis Howes?

  It's not worth it.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  Or that doesn't allow me to be my fullest self or that like hurts me every time I'm there.

• 29:06Lewis Howes?

  It's not worth it.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  It, I don't think that it is. And I can't make that decision for anybody else. If you say like, no, I, she's my mom and I want to maintain a relationship with my mom and like it, it, she's family and I'm going to, then like that's your decision, but I want you to go into it. Eyes open.

• 29:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and I think there's, listen. I think there's, I used to get really annoyed with my mom, right? I think because I'm the youngest of four and I used to feel like she always treated me like a baby. Even today, it's like I'm doing so much for, you know, her and different things, but she still treats me a certain way sometimes. It's like, okay, mom, don't do this. It's like this a little annoyance, right? And it wasn't until a few years ago where I said, you know what? I'm just going to accept her for it.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:46Lewis Howes?

  I may not like it, I may not enjoy it, but how can I change my response and my feeling towards it? How can I tell a different story to myself?

• 29:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:54Lewis Howes?

  About how my mom shows up? Is it the worst thing in the world? Is it like ruining my day? No, it's an annoyance.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:00Lewis Howes?

  That I grew up with this feeling.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:03Lewis Howes?

  And if I want to have a deeper, healthier relationship with my mom, right? Uh, as she continues to get older, I want to, I want her in my life. I don't want to distance myself because some things she says or does annoys me every now and then.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:15Lewis Howes?

  It's not like she's trying to ruin my life.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:19Lewis Howes?

  It's just her way of being.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:22Lewis Howes?

  And I can, I've communicated what I don't like and it's still happening. It's like, okay, then do I want her in my life? Yes. Is she gonna be this way? Yes. Okay, do I get to love and accept her for who she is? And shift the narrative within me? And have more patience, like you said, and learn how to deal with it?

• 30:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:38Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, if that's the relationship I want. And since doing that the last couple of years, like, it doesn't annoy me as much anymore.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:45Lewis Howes?

  I'm kinda like, okay, just kinda laugh it off. As opposed to get frustrated.

• 30:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 30:49Lewis Howes?

  Because I chose to be different around the situation. So, there are nuances to it as well, I think.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  There absolutely are, and this is why there's no one size fits all. Boundary scenario, because what might feel like an annoyance to you might be really harmful to somebody else. What one family is like, oh my gosh, how could you interact like that as a family? That wouldn't work for us. If somebody else is like, absolutely, drop over whenever you want. You don't even have to knock, like.

• 31:15Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  There is no one size fits all.

• 31:17Lewis Howes?

  The door is always open, yeah.

• 31:18Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 31:19Lewis Howes?

  Stay anytime you want.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  But I do like this idea of asking myself, like, what is the story? I'm telling myself about this? And like, is there some examination of that that I could do on my end?

• 31:29Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. Can I be more flexible or more accepting?

• 31:32Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 31:32Lewis Howes?

  Unless it's some extreme thing where you don't feel safe, then create the boundary.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:37Lewis Howes?

  Right? You need space, you need about, okay, cool. If your mom's just being annoying every now and then, like, okay, just love her and accept her and just move on.

• 31:44Speaker 01

  I think so, yes.

• 31:46Lewis Howes?

  Well, the book you have, The Book of Boundaries, is a game changer. Uh, it's about setting the limits that will set you free. And I think the thing that most people want is freedom. You talked about it. It's something I wanted my entire life that I struggled with. I didn't feel free internally. And the process of creating agreements with myself, creating agreements with others, and healing and integrating that healing process throughout life is what has allowed me to be more and more free every day. And so, if you guys are looking for freedom, make sure you get a copy of this book. You can go to melissayou.com. Uh, it'll have the book there. You can get it there. It's on Amazon as well, The Book of Boundaries, or anywhere else you guys get books.

• 32:29Lewis Howes?

  Uh, how else can we be of service and support to you today, Melissa?

• 32:32Speaker 01

  Hmm, I like that you asked that question. Thank you. This conversation was everything. I always love coming in here to talk to you. And I always feel like you get me to share more than I thought I was going to, but in like a really safe and authentic way. So, I appreciate that. I always enjoy our talks. Thank you.

• 32:51Lewis Howes?

  Of course. Um, I want to acknowledge you, Melissa, for taking on this challenge of talking about this. Because I think I think you're similar to me in some ways that I write the books that I need. Right, Whole30 was for you.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 33:08Lewis Howes?

  The Book of Boundaries is for you.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 33:11Lewis Howes?

  Right, you're like, ah, I didn't have any boundaries, let me learn this process and then write about my findings and how it's helped me.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:17Lewis Howes?

  Uh, and so, you know, I do the interviews that I need, right? It's like the things that I do as well, so. I want to acknowledge you for taking, having the courage to take on this topic. Create boundaries in a healthy way in your life and all your relationships because it can be very challenging. If you've lived a majority of your life without them. Having to shift into becoming the person who creates healthy agreements and boundaries in your life with yourself and with others. So I acknowledge you for taking this on and for sharing this wisdom with so many people that, that could use this, this book.

• 33:53Lewis Howes?

  You mentioned this, how, you know, people call you fluffy. Do you think that supports your success but holds you back in other ways? Or do you feel like that is an empowering thing for you with your identity and where you want to be?

• 34:06Gabriel Iglesias?

  There are so many more pros than there are cons. The cons are, are very small. They're very small.

• 34:15Gabriel Iglesias?

  No, man, let me tell you. When people, when you get recognized. You know, I, I have other friends that are, you know, other comics and I know a lot of people that are, that are famous. And I don't know, man, I get, I don't want to say that mine is, is better, but for some reason. When I get recognized, it's.

• 34:35Gabriel Iglesias?

  I'm not seen like, like, oh, it's, it's taking a swit kind of a thing. You know, the recognition I get from people, the, the, the look is almost like. Hey, man, this guy's like, like, it's like seeing a, a family member you haven't seen in a long time. And I feel, I feel that from people when I, when I get recognized. It's not, it's very different. I see how other people get recognized and I'm like, wow, okay, with, with me, it's a lot, it's a lot different. I get people right away that are like, like the, the glow and the energy is very, it's like, it feels like family. It like, like a moment, like a real sweet, sweet thing. And, um, I love that. It's, it's, it tells me that what I'm doing is making a difference, what I'm doing. Cause I get a lot of people also that will open up.

• 35:21Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know, hey, man, I was going through this and I was watching and hey, man, uh, just so you know, you I've heard you've helped me get through so many times and it's that's an incredible feeling and that's a game changer. So when I hear something like that, it changes the whatever mood I'm in, it it corrects it. I'm like, you know what, stop that stop thinking like that, you know, you're you're whatever you're dealing with is nothing. This dude is like you you just, you know, put things into perspective.

• 35:48Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 35:49Gabriel Iglesias?

  So being fluffy is is very much a uh, it's a good thing.

• 35:55Lewis Howes?

  A lot of pros to it, yeah.

• 35:56Gabriel Iglesias?

  A lot of pros. Do I wish I could vent about certain things? Of course I do. But I think that it's it's part of the deal. You have to sacrifice. This is part of the sacrifice to be where I'm at.

• 36:07Lewis Howes?

  You mentioned some people will just say, hey, fluffy on the streets or whatever. And they'll be like, oh, it's Gabriel Iglesias. You know, who is fluffy versus who is Gabriel in your mind?

• 36:17Gabriel Iglesias?

  They're they're they're pretty much like this. But, you know, Gabriel does have bad days.

• 36:23Lewis Howes?

  Really? Fluffy can't have bad days.

• 36:25Gabriel Iglesias?

  He's not supposed to. And if I do, I try to find a way to push it into the show. Like, for example, in my in my show right now, without giving too much away, because I have a new special coming out. One of the things I'm talking about is I'm I'm talking about things that happened to me that weren't great, weren't fun, weren't awesome. I'm starting to incorporate more of, you know, uh, after so many years and now I'm almost I'm coming up on 50 pretty soon.

• 36:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 36:51Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know, there's more things that have happened. For example, I'm talking about the fact that I almost died in a plane crash that made the news.

• 36:57Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 36:57Gabriel Iglesias?

  I'm talking about the fact that um, they broke into my house, you know, someone broke into my house and went through my things and just, you know, a bad situation. I'm talking about that I I reunited with my father, who I haven't seen in 15 years and how awkward that was. And so there's there's now moments where I'm like, okay. You know, so it's not all like, hey, rainbows and unicorns type of thing. It's like, okay, you know. So the challenge now is making those situations funny. Near death, how can you make that funny? That's, you know, that's a challenge. Wow. But I am I am talking more about things that aren't as fun and pleasant.

• 37:33Lewis Howes?

  What do you think has been the darkest or most miserable moments you've had?

• 37:38Gabriel Iglesias?

  Um, you know, I think that Feeling confused is is something that it definitely is is is painful. Not knowing, uh, living in a in a gray area of confusion, not being able to have clarity and understanding. Um, especially in relationships, not knowing where you stand. And and a lot of times, I I think we're the the ones responsible for that because we allow certain behavior to continue because we're trying to keep certain people in our lives. And unfortunately, some people should not be in our lives.

• 38:17Gabriel Iglesias?

  And that is a hard pill to swallow as well because as much as whether it's friends, family, or business acquaintances, some people do not belong in your life. And the sooner you can get them out, the better you're gonna be. And unfortunately, there was times when I didn't just have days or months or a year. I've I've allowed uh situations to go on for a very long time because I didn't want to be the bad guy to pull the plug.

• 38:46Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 38:47Gabriel Iglesias?

  And so I I took on the pain and the frustration and the issues because I didn't want to be the bad person who who said, let me hit the stop button. Because I didn't want to be that person, but at the same time, I wasn't doing myself any favors by not stopping or correcting certain things that were happening.

• 39:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I can relate to that because I've been in I I'm I'm a slow learner sometimes and I have to go through a lot of pain in order to learn lessons and I had many long-term relationships, intimate relationships that I should have been out of much years before I got out of them. And dealt with a lot of pain by trying to people please, by trying to change myself to keep someone happy that was just never gonna be happy with me. And so I can relate to that feeling. When when did you feel like you learned that lesson or what? What shifted inside of you that allowed you to say, okay, I can no longer be this way anymore with this person or these people in my life?

• 39:45Gabriel Iglesias?

  I'm still learning and it's it's one of those things where Maybe this period of time was was good and helpful and it and it allowed growth and joy and happiness, but then maybe, you know, uh, letting it go this long, just kinda like, ah, like it it's now it's going down and now it's going in the opposite direction, so. I'm still learning and I'm still adjusting and uh, the people that I've started with are not the people that are, you know, always the ones, the ones you start with are not always the ones you end with and fortunately, there have been uh, many people that are still in my life that that I've been on this quest with for so many years. For example, like my my team,

• 40:27Gabriel Iglesias?

  the team of people that I have, I I still have the the the same manager and agent that I've had for, God, like twenty years. Wow. You know, and it's it's awesome and and the fact that we've all grown together. Mm hmm. Has has been all the same promoter as well. Wow. So I've I've been very in in a business of show business, eh, you're always jumping around. It's always go go in this way, this way, whatever works and and you know, it's very cutthroat. So the fact that I've been able to maintain and have this same group of people, it's it's huge. Wow. Because the trust is there. And going back to that whole thing of having the wrong person in place, I had people in place that was that were making me question, are these the best people for me? Interesting.

• 41:12Gabriel Iglesias?

  And I feel like loyalty is one of the strongest, biggest things that people take for granted because they're thinking about the money, they're thinking about this or that, but loyalty is so huge. Being able to trust someone is so huge and I think that eh, a lot of people just kinda go eh, you know, whatever. And like, oh, and that and that's why for me to let people go is really, really hard because I'm like, am I gonna make a mistake? Am I gonna regret this? You know, what's gonna happen? And so sometimes I will overthink. But being able to trust somebody and being able to have the right people in your corner is is really huge and it is a big key to happiness and joy and peace. Wow.

• 41:54Lewis Howes?

  That's powerful, man. I love that you talked about therapy and I know you've talked about this in different interviews. I speak about it a lot on this show. Just my journey of healing and therapy and lessons I've learned and mistakes I've made. And I feel like it's been so beneficial to creating more clarity and peace inside of me. By having a place to talk about challenges, pains, frustrations, upsets, things like that. Well, would you say the three most powerful things you've learned through the therapy that you've done?

• 42:24Gabriel Iglesias?

  Again, being able to question myself.

• 42:29Gabriel Iglesias?

  I know I'm not always right and I will never claim to always be right. And that's one thing that I had to learn. By going that, you know what? Just because you're, you're popular, just because people like you, doesn't mean you're always right. And I was writing that for a minute and I had to come with the reality that, you know what dude? No, you're not, you're not always right. And you know, that's a, that's a tough one to swallow right there.

• 42:56Lewis Howes?

  Especially when you're selling out arenas and people are laughing at everything you say.

• 42:59Gabriel Iglesias?

  It's hard to, yeah, it's hard to admit that, yeah, because when you're doing all these great things. Like, are you kidding? You're in magazines, you're in the top Forbes, you know, maker of the year type of thing. You're, you're, you're selling out stadiums, you're doing all kinds of crazy, you know, you got a freaking car collection that, you know, that Jay Leno's like, wow. Like, you're doing all these amazing things. So to be able to, to feel like, really? I'm wrong? You know, that's, it's hard. It, it took me a minute to really, to get that. But, um, yeah. I admit it all the time now, man, yeah, that was stupid. I shouldn't have done that. So, uh, yeah, I, I definitely feel like that. That was huge, being able to learn that. Cause I feel like I did need to learn.

• 43:44Gabriel Iglesias?

  And nobody would tell me.

• 43:45Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 43:46Gabriel Iglesias?

  That's another thing. Once you're at a certain place where the wheels are moving really well and money is, is good at keeping people, eh, let's keep this going here, you know, don't nobody tell them anything. Don't, don't ruffle feathers, don't upset them because if we, we mess this up. You know, so who's gonna tell me I'm wrong? And that's a tough one. I had to figure that one out. Nobody said you're wrong. Because they're not, none of this, we're not gonna mess any of this up.

• 44:14Lewis Howes?

  Right. We don't wanna stop the money machine coming in right now.

• 44:17Gabriel Iglesias?

  And everything that's happened, so, yeah, but uh, I can be wrong in business, I can be wrong in relationships, and I've been wrong in both.

• 44:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:25Gabriel Iglesias?

  I've made decisions where I'm like, oh, okay, that maybe that didn't work out right.

• 44:30Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. I've had a number of different, I guess, inner painful challenges in my life. Especially in my twenties and thirties, from previous relationships I was in that were not in the right alignment. Nothing wrong with them, I choose poorly, and I stayed in those things too long, right? And I remember just feeling a lot of pain and sadness when I was in those relationships. And the aftermath of the breakup and the pain and sadness there, all that different stuff.

• 44:57Lewis Howes?

  And I remember I was going through a breakup one time, about, I don't know, five years ago. And I was feeling one of those painful moments, and I had a guest on who I was telling him about what I was going through. And he told me, "A bad day for the ego is a great day for the soul." And he said, "Think about all the past experiences you've had where you've had pain.

• 45:22Lewis Howes?

  And maybe you wouldn't wish that anyone would go through them, and you didn't wish you had to go through them, but you also know you wouldn't take those things back because of what you learned through them." You just mentioned this, right? The lesson that it gave you, peace, you have clarity now, it's like, feeling that misery, now you can have peace, because you know what that felt like. And so I started to travel in time in the future, since that moment about five years ago, when I've gone through challenging moments, to think, how is this happening in my benefit for my future self? How is this painful moment, this season of life, going to benefit me in the future? And that's really helped me navigate these kind of painful moments easier, knowing that everything in the past that I've been through, although it was hard and I didn't like it,

• 46:06Lewis Howes?

  I'm using it for my benefit now, today. And it makes these other moments of beauty that much more beautiful. So it sounds like you've been doing that also.

• 46:15Gabriel Iglesias?

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:15Lewis Howes?

  Which is really cool to see. If you could go into the future and see yourself thirty, forty years in the future.

• 46:28Lewis Howes?

  What advice would you give yourself now? If you are in that future, thirty, forty years ahead, and you're reflecting back on everything you've created now,

• 46:39Lewis Howes?

  and you can speak to your current self, what would you say?

• 46:42Gabriel Iglesias?

  Stop drinking, start eating better, start working out, and start enjoying the fruits of your labor.

• 46:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 46:52Gabriel Iglesias?

  Stop saving all that money for who? Start enjoying life. Start taking some, some breaks. Start taking some trips. Start having some fun.

• 47:01Lewis Howes?

  What's it gonna take for you to do those things?

• 47:05Lewis Howes?

  Like, what's it actually gonna take for you to do that, though? And not just, you know, another year go by, and you say, "Well, I should start doing more of these things" that my future self is telling me. What do you think it's gonna take?

• 47:16Gabriel Iglesias?

  What's it gonna take? I don't know what it's gonna take, but I'm saying it out loud, and that's not something I've done before.

• 47:21Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 47:22Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know, I've not said this out loud, back to back to back. So, you know, if it does happen, then consider this the first step. The saying it out loud.

• 47:34Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 47:34Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know, because I've acknowledged publicly, this is the issue.

• 47:38Lewis Howes?

  That's great, man. I want to see you follow through on all of what your future self tells you to do. I think that'd be inspiring to watch. I got a few final questions for you. This has been really, really inspiring, Gabriel. I appreciate it.

• 47:51Lewis Howes?

  How can people best support and serve you? You give so much to the world. You give so much to your team, to your friends, to your community. How can people best support and serve you?

• 48:04Gabriel Iglesias?

  Uh, if, if they like what I do, and, and I, I bring joy to their lives, tell somebody. You know, let people know, hey, you know, I'm only doing this because people still come to the shows. If people stop coming, then I stop doing this.

• 48:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 48:20Gabriel Iglesias?

  So as long as people come out to the shows, and that's, that's gonna keep me going.

• 48:26Gabriel Iglesias?

  I got to a place where you want to talk about feeling, not feeling good, not feeling, uh... Positive about what I was doing.

• 48:36Gabriel Iglesias?

  I talked about retiring. I talked about retiring because I wasn't sure that this was giving me what I needed. You know, I didn't, I wasn't feeling good. And it wasn't, it wasn't the stage that was hurting me. It was how I was feeling in just my everyday life. And I felt like a lot of it was coming from that. And it wasn't, it was just me not dealing with certain issues in my life. And I'm like, you know, uh, what am I doing this for? I'm still on the road. It's been so many years. And I was reminded by my publicist yesterday goes, you know what? You, you kind of brought up the retirement thing. Couple of times I go, yeah, you're right. I did, I did, I did. I said that.

• 49:18Gabriel Iglesias?

  Um, cause you know, at this point, I'm like, what am I supposed to do? But I think that I'm clearly missing the fact that I do have a, uh, more of an impact than I thought I did. On people's lives and, and it helps more than it hurts. And I should continue to do this as long as I can.

• 49:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:39Gabriel Iglesias?

  I mean, so the best way people could support me, just keep coming out.

• 49:42Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 49:43Gabriel Iglesias?

  Like your prices are too expensive. Everybody else got more expensive tickets. Look online.

• 49:48Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 49:49Gabriel Iglesias?

  Look, look online.

• 49:51Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think, so you mentioned you wanted to retire multiple times? Is that, was that a season of life?

• 49:56Gabriel Iglesias?

  Yeah, well, um, especially right after Dodger Stadium, because that put me in a different place mentally. Because it's not every day you can say that you saw your peak.

• 50:09Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know, and it's hard to argue that one because it's like, uh, okay, this is the biggest. It's the biggest show that's ever happened and, and on the west coast that I know of.

• 50:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 50:19Gabriel Iglesias?

  I don't know of any other show that's been that big for comedy.

• 50:22Lewis Howes?

  How many people were there?

• 50:23Gabriel Iglesias?

  Uh, almost 50,000.

• 50:25Lewis Howes?

  Holy cow.

• 50:26Gabriel Iglesias?

  Yeah. So, you know, uh, so how do you set a new goal?

• 50:30Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 50:31Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know what I mean? It's like, okay, what am I supposed to do now? You're on the other side of that. And it's like, oh, you know, you freaking jumped, jumped the shark, man. You're, you're, you know? So like, in a perfect world, like if it was a movie, I, I looked at it like a movie, like the best way would be to, to finish that night and thank you. Here's the end of the career.

• 50:50Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 50:50Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know, and it was literally, I want to say. Like three weeks uh after my twenty fifth anniversary of being a comic.

• 51:00Lewis Howes?

  Holy cow.

• 51:01Gabriel Iglesias?

  So I like numbers like that. Oh, after twenty five years, like this is how biggest show ever done, but I still love it. But at the same time, again, you know, dealing, having certain situations in life and then trying to do this. That night, everything just fell into place. It felt so good. Best night of my life. Hands down. Best night of my life. But then the next day, it's like, all right, now we're back to reality.

• 51:24Lewis Howes?

  Really? Did you gotta have like a hangover, emotional hangover?

• 51:29Gabriel Iglesias?

  I had an emotional and a physical one because I drank on stage that night. So I killed a bottle in front of, and what I thought was really cool is that everybody, well, I didn't see anybody leave, but it felt like. Even after my show was over, I stayed on stage and I just started telling random stories. I brought my friends out on stage and. We're drinking and they're playing music. We had them playing Vicente Fernandez over and over and we're taking shots and just drinking and. Oh, God, I want to say that it was uh almost. Two hundred thousand dollars for the fine. For going over.

• 52:01Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 52:02Gabriel Iglesias?

  Yeah, when you ran out of stadium.

• 52:04Lewis Howes?

  You gotta be out.

• 52:04Gabriel Iglesias?

  Yeah, you gotta, there's a cutoff time. We went way past that. And so, yeah, I got fined. Best fine I've ever paid.

• 52:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, well, you're willing to pay it.

• 52:13Gabriel Iglesias?

  Again, uh, you know, it's not every day you can say that this was hands down, no question. Best night of my life, but then, you know, all right, now what?

• 52:22Lewis Howes?

  If you were to take a year off, let's say, not completely off, but maybe you pulled back on touring, maybe you weren't doing a special, maybe, you know. And I don't think anyone in your team wants me to even say this, but if you were just to pull back, what would you do with your time to take care of you?

• 52:37Gabriel Iglesias?

  That's an easy one. Uh, COVID. COVID kept me home for a year and in that time that I was home for a year. I started eating better. I didn't drink as much.

• 52:47Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 52:47Gabriel Iglesias?

  I probably didn't drink at all. And I started working out, so I probably lost seventy pounds that year.

• 52:53Lewis Howes?

  Come on.

• 52:54Gabriel Iglesias?

  Yeah, because I was able to be consistent. I wasn't on the road, so I was home. I was able to get into a routine, you know? My friend, personal trainer, we were hanging out all the time, so we were just like, we were hanging out and work out.

• 53:05Lewis Howes?

  Moving, walking, working out.

• 53:06Gabriel Iglesias?

  Yeah, so it was just, you know, that whole year I dropped, I dropped seventy pounds.

• 53:10Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 53:11Gabriel Iglesias?

  Wow, and then as soon as we went back to work, gained back about forty of that. So fortunately, I still kept a little bit of that, you know, progress off, but yeah, I'm not where I was in 2020. 2020, when everybody was kinda, yeah, getting sick, I actually got, I actually got better.

• 53:27Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Man, well, I know you've.

• 53:29Gabriel Iglesias?

  So if I was to take a year off, and that's another reason too, I says, well, you know, if I keep grinding it out there, all I'm doing on the road is making bad decisions. I'm drinking, I'm eating, I'm just, I'm not sleeping the way I should, I'm just, I'm, it's, it's taxing. You know, it's go, go, go, travel, travel, travel, you're just, it's, you're all over the place and I'm not doing myself any good. And so that's another reason where I was like, oh, this isn't, you know, I should probably go away from this. And so that was one of the things about the retirement and then everything else that was happening.

• 54:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I mean, I mean, I'm not saying retire because you bring so much joy to the world, but you can do stuff at home. You could work at home, you could, you know, do TV shows, you could do other things. With a routine in your bed, you know, in your space with the right support around you and still work, maybe just a little less.

• 54:21Gabriel Iglesias?

  Oh, I know I could, and it's so much easier to make excuses. And the problem I have is I'm really, really good at making excuses.

• 54:32Lewis Howes?

  Oh, I have to go do this tour or they need me or.

• 54:34Gabriel Iglesias?

  Oh, I wish I could, but you know.

• 54:39Gabriel Iglesias?

  Yeah, and, and the problem is that I believe my own excuses. You know, and that's a tough one, man. I know that half the time I'm full. Like, come on, man, really, you know?

• 54:49Lewis Howes?

  I mean, I know we just met each other and I know we're having, you know, this type of conversation here, but how could I support you in stopping the excuses for yourself?

• 54:58Gabriel Iglesias?

  Oh, well, again, having the conversation. I don't have these conversations. People in my circle aren't gonna pull me aside and go, you know, you really should stop eating so much and drinking so much and, you know, it wouldn't kill you to lift a freaking weight. Uh, you know, you wanna go for a walk?

• 55:14Gabriel Iglesias?

  It is an uncomfortable conversation because I'm being very vulnerable about the fact that this is a problem I have that I haven't addressed and I don't, I can make a million, I can make a million excuses, but in reality, it's, it's just, it's just me.

• 55:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:30Gabriel Iglesias?

  You know?

• 55:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:31Gabriel Iglesias?

  So the best way to support me is the fact that we're having this conversation.

• 55:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and I'm not trying to, you know, get you upset at me if we just met each other.

• 55:38Gabriel Iglesias?

  Oh, I'm not mad.

• 55:40Lewis Howes?

  But my, my, my thing is, from an outside perspective, I see the talent that you have, I see the success you have, I see the career you've made that people would dream of having, right? Other comics are like, look at you as this, the career is like a dream career, right? But I think about your 80-year-old self and what he wants for you. That's what I, what I think about, is what is your 80-year-old you want for, for you at 80, at 50, at 60, at 70, you know? And he wants you happy, he wants you healthy, and he wants you feeling good. That's what I think from an outside perspective. So I, I have this conversation with you because I, I want to see you continue to bring joy to so many people in the world

• 56:25Lewis Howes?

  for a long time. And I want to see you bring joy to yourself for a long time. So that's why I have the uncomfortable conversation with you, risking you getting frustrated at me. But I want to see, I want to see how I can support. So I'm going to follow up with you afterwards, man, and see how I can support you eliminate these excuses, because it's not easy. You know, I have excuses for myself with different things as well that I need coaching, I need accountability, I need to, you know.

• 56:50Gabriel Iglesias?

  Oh, yeah. Those are, those are tough words. I had to learn a lot of those words in therapy. Accountability, yeah, that's a big one right there. Yeah, no one wants to be responsible and accountable. That's a tough one right there.

• 57:03Lewis Howes?

  It's not, especially when you've created so much for yourself. You worked so hard. You worked your butt, your butt for so long. And you want to enjoy some of it too, so I get it.

• 57:17Lewis Howes?

  What have you learned about

• 57:20Lewis Howes?

  the keys to having a healthy relationship and successful marriage? When you didn't have the success, the fame, the notoriety, you know, for the first, I guess,

• 57:32Lewis Howes?

  15 years to now having more of that? What have you learned? As one person in a relationship, you know, gets more famous and successful and financially well off, what have you learned? Or what advice would you give others in relationships?

• 57:46Tabitha Brown?

  For us, it's always been, we all we got. Right? You know, the saying, "Don't believe the hype." I live by that. Don't believe the hype. My husband, we are our foundation. That's where it begins. It's God first and then us. Right? Then the children and all the things. But together, we can do everything together. You know, my husband was, we moved to LA and so that I could pursue my dreams. For 15 years, he was a Los Angeles police officer.

• 58:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 58:20Tabitha Brown?

  He was like, "I can go get this job and we can at least have one solid income that has benefits." You know, because we had kids. And you could pursue your dream and never have to get, you know, a career like a job job. Although I always had a job, but I might have a job for a year or two and then quit or, you know, whatever. So he sacrificed. Right? He did that. And I used to tell him, "Five years, I'm gonna blow up out here in LA and I'm gonna take you out of there." And he'd be like, "Don't, I don't care about that. I just want, I'm fine." "Pursue your dream, pursue your dream." Right? We did that together. And so, didn't happen in five years, but after 15 years, I was like, "Listen, this don't even make sense for you to be working no more. Please retire like from LAPD

• 59:05Tabitha Brown?

  and do something that you wanna do, you know, something else." So being together and never letting the noise in. Like, people start believing the hype. I am Tabitha Brown, only because I carry my husband's last name. Right? So I am a, a wife first. Like, that's, that's what it is. Like, me and my husband, that's, that's it. Everything else is added on. That's all. It's just, work is work. But we never let it...

• 59:43Tabitha Brown?

  I don't know how to explain it. I think that people,

• 59:47Tabitha Brown?

  sometime they forget that marriage should be first.

• 59:52Tabitha Brown?

  You know, and for me, it's, it's family first. It's gonna always be that. My career is my bonus that I get to live.

• 1:00:00Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:00:01Tabitha Brown?

  Right? That, all the other things, it's the bonus. My dream, God gave me. I also feel like my husband was part of my dream. Right? That's part of who I am. Like, this is who he chose for me.

• 1:00:14Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:00:14Tabitha Brown?

  Right? To do this life with.

• 1:00:16Lewis Howes?

  What's his name?

• 1:00:17Tabitha Brown?

  Chance.

• 1:00:18Lewis Howes?

  Chance?

• 1:00:18Tabitha Brown?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:19Lewis Howes?

  What's the thing you love about Chance the most?

• 1:00:22Tabitha Brown?

  Honey, he makes me feel safe. But Chance is not gonna do nothing that Chance don't wanna do.

• 1:00:29Tabitha Brown?

  And you be like, hey, you wanna go to, nope, not doing that. Like, it's just, some days it gets on my nerves. But it's also admirable, like, oh, you're not easily influenced.

• 1:00:39Lewis Howes?

  He's authentic to who he is.

• 1:00:41Tabitha Brown?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

• 1:00:43Lewis Howes?

  If you get into a marriage, you gotta have to do certain things you don't wanna do all the time.

• 1:00:47Tabitha Brown?

  Let me tell you now, it's many days though he get on my nerves with that. I be like, you know what, I can't stand that about you. And then other days, like, I love that about you, you know? But I think, another thing is, he's a phenomenal father. I've, I've been able to witness my husband in all stages of his life. Right? Yeah, we grew up together. We've known each other pretty much our whole life since we were 10. And so, I've seen him as a boy, I've seen him as a young man, and now, you know, a man-man, you know, and he's 45. And, it's been an honor to watch him evolve and grow.

• 1:01:25Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:01:26Tabitha Brown?

  And mature. But fatherhood has been one of the best things to witness.

• 1:01:31Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 1:01:32Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:33Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:01:33Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:34Lewis Howes?

  If someone is feeling... Maybe not like in a complete depression or completely sick or completely out of it, but they just know there's something more for them. Maybe their relationships aren't where they want them to be, or maybe their career is just off a little bit. Or they just feel like, I just don't feel like the fire inside of me is driving me to where I need to be. You talk about 30 days to living free. What's the first few steps someone can take in starting to live free? To get that alignment back inside of them?

• 1:02:05Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah, it's so funny because this is why I started this challenge, right? This is a challenge that I started in 2014 because I was trying to, because what you're describing is feeling stuck, right? It's like you know there's something else, but you don't know what it is. We get in such a routine that we forget we haven't done anything outside of our routine for so long. So I always say, start with doing something new. It can be as simple as driving a different way to work. Or a different way to a friend's house, whatever. Or walking a different way. Just so that your eyes can see something it has never seen before. Something new that shifts the brain, right? Like even wearing something you normally don't wear. Like for me, I always tell people, if you wear black all the time, throw some color on.

• 1:02:50Lewis Howes?

  I gotta throw some color on soon, yeah.

• 1:02:52Tabitha Brown?

  Right, like for me, I don't like wearing black. But I found this and I was like, you got a little color on it?

• 1:02:56Lewis Howes?

  It's cool.

• 1:02:56Tabitha Brown?

  I'm doing a new thing, right? And so it's little things, even trying a new food. You know, going to dinner or lunch by yourself. You know how many people are afraid to eat alone?

• 1:03:08Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 1:03:09Tabitha Brown?

  Doing things that challenge you, that will open up a new space inside of you. That's what doing a new thing does for us. And that's how we start to think, oh, okay. And then going back to like, what is your dream? Like what's a thing that won't let you rest? And I talked about this recently. Because people sometimes they get confused by a dream versus a goal. Goals are things that we create. Dreams are deposited inside of us.

• 1:03:36Lewis Howes?

  Let's go.

• 1:03:36Tabitha Brown?

  We don't make them up. They live there. That's why we can't rest because they they're constantly nagging us. A goal, you can be like, I didn't make that goal, or I did it, Chet. But the dream won't let you rest. Even when you even when you manifest it and it comes, it still is persistent. There's more to do until we are getting, you know, called home. The dream is just, it lives inside of us.

• 1:03:59Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:04:00Tabitha Brown?

  It's it's born inside of us. So I always say do one small thing every day towards your dream. Even if you're stuck in the nine to five job or in a relationship that, you know, or or business, whatever the case is, that makes you feel like, oh, I don't have time to do something towards me. Right? Which we all are worthy of doing something toward ourself every day.

• 1:04:23Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:04:23Tabitha Brown?

  Do one small thing, whether it's reading something that can help open up, you know, an idea in your mind to help you get closer to your dream. Whether it's watching a movie or a TV show or listening to a podcast that can help inspire or open up something in your mind. Something small every day. One little thing.

• 1:04:43Lewis Howes?

  There's a lot of people that I feel like that want to be, they want to achieve their dreams or be successful so quickly. You know, if they haven't made it by 27, it's like they're a failure.

• 1:04:54Tabitha Brown?

  I don't know who put that timeframe on us. Lord.

• 1:04:57Lewis Howes?

  But you you, you know, you started to really gain traction in your late 30s, early 40s, right?

• 1:05:01Tabitha Brown?

  Yes.

• 1:05:03Lewis Howes?

  What was the biggest lesson for you for, I guess, having success later in your 30s and early 40s versus in 20s? What did you learn about yourself?

• 1:05:13Tabitha Brown?

  I learned that I was not ready when I thought I was. I wouldn't have had nothing to show for it. Right? I needed to do, as my daddy would say, keep on living. I needed to do more living before it came so that I could A, know how to pray for it. Right? Because a lot of times I I used to pray, pray, pray for all these things to happen. Oh, God, I want my dreams to come true and, you know, I'm fasting, I'm praying on it. But I was never praying, God, when I get it, prepare me to keep it.

• 1:05:44Lewis Howes?

  Let's go.

• 1:05:46Lewis Howes?

  This is the biggest challenge for a lot of people. I'm so glad you said this because early on, I was probably 25, 26. I remember being broke, living on my sister's couch for a year and a half. No money.

• 1:05:55Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:56Lewis Howes?

  I had a mentor at the time that I was working for for free, learning from him. And I was like, man, I'm really struggling. I could really use some money right now. He said, money comes to you when you're ready for it. I was like, I feel pretty ready. I feel ready for this. But he's like, it'll come to you when you're ready for it. Otherwise, if you get it too early, you'll probably lose it.

• 1:06:15Tabitha Brown?

  Yep.

• 1:06:16Lewis Howes?

  And I think it's similar to like having a dream. Like if you're not prepared for it, success, or prepared for the pressures that might come with it.

• 1:06:23Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:24Lewis Howes?

  You might cause, you might sabotage it, you might lose it, you might squander it, you might not be ready for all of the responsibility, the weight that potentially could come with it, right?

• 1:06:34Tabitha Brown?

  That's right.

• 1:06:35Lewis Howes?

  So you don't feel like you would have been ready for it in your twenties or early thirties, right?

• 1:06:37Tabitha Brown?

  Oh, absolutely not. I wasn't ready for everything I was gonna gain. I also wasn't ready for everything I was gonna lose.

• 1:06:44Lewis Howes?

  What did you lose?

• 1:06:45Tabitha Brown?

  Friendships, relationships, right? Things that, people that I thought I would have in my life forever. And when I started walking in my freedom, they started to disappear.

• 1:06:58Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:06:59Tabitha Brown?

  But God revealed to me, he said, everybody's not ready to walk in their freedom. So being close to you while you're in yours is disturbing their spirit.

• 1:07:05Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:07:06Tabitha Brown?

  And I couldn't allow that to affect me in a way that I know it would have affected me in my twenties or early thirties.

• 1:07:11Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 1:07:12Tabitha Brown?

  But in this 45, I'm all right with it. I love them, but I understand.

• 1:07:17Lewis Howes?

  Forty-five, feeling alive.

• 1:07:20Tabitha Brown?

  Right.

• 1:07:20Lewis Howes?

  Forty-five, feeling alive.

• 1:07:21Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:22Lewis Howes?

  Wow. So, man, I can resonate with that because, you know, in my teens or my early twenties, there were certain relationships that I had formed that made me feel good and safe, right?

• 1:07:33Tabitha Brown?

  Yep.

• 1:07:33Lewis Howes?

  And I remember losing relationships almost every few years.

• 1:07:38Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:38Lewis Howes?

  And I would be really sad that I was losing these relationships. That people want to call me back, or they didn't want to hang out anymore.

• 1:07:45Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:45Lewis Howes?

  But I also know that I was in such a pursuit of my mission and pursuing things that later I found out, and then some of my friends told me, like, it scared them, right? Because I was pursuing certain things. And they weren't pursuing the things they wanted.

• 1:08:00Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:00Lewis Howes?

  So I felt really hurt that they didn't want to hang out anymore. But it also kind of set me free to have more time for mentors or people that were wiser or older than me, who I can learn from and build relationships with them to give me counsel.

• 1:08:14Tabitha Brown?

  Yes.

• 1:08:15Lewis Howes?

  And to kind of guide me forward.

• 1:08:17Tabitha Brown?

  That's right.

• 1:08:18Lewis Howes?

  And that's one of the most challenging things, I think, is leaving the friend tribe.

• 1:08:23Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:24Lewis Howes?

  When you want to bring people with you, but they may not be ready.

• 1:08:28Tabitha Brown?

  Everybody can go.

• 1:08:29Lewis Howes?

  They can't all go.

• 1:08:30Tabitha Brown?

  Everybody can go. You know, I feel like a lot of times we, we feel bad because we, especially when you love people, I'm, I love people.

• 1:08:39Lewis Howes?

  Me too.

• 1:08:40Tabitha Brown?

  I'm a people lover.

• 1:08:41Lewis Howes?

  If you're a loyal person, all these things, right?

• 1:08:43Tabitha Brown?

  And you always want to turn around and bring them back. And God revealed one day to me, he said, listen, everyone who you need to bring along, you don't have to turn around to get them.

• 1:08:53Tabitha Brown?

  He said, because when you turn around, that's when you get distracted from them. You gotta keep your eye forward. The moment you do this, you might have just crashed. He said, the people who are supposed to come, all you gotta do is go like this. You never gotta turn around. They right there. They right there. It's just like a hand off a baton. You watch a marathon. They never turning around to reach for it. They just right here.

• 1:09:12Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:09:13Tabitha Brown?

  So the ones who are supposed to come with you, you don't have to turn around to go get them.

• 1:09:17Lewis Howes?

  So you've been married for 20 plus years, right?

• 1:09:20Tabitha Brown?

  Yep.

• 1:09:21Lewis Howes?

  How has that worked with your relationship and marriage, you know, with you and your husband? Have you, did you have struggle when you started to step into your authentic self? Because you became a different person. Maybe you became the person you always were, right? Was there ever challenges in your marriage or relationship as you started to thrive? Or was there alignment right away and just like everything was perfect?

• 1:09:43Tabitha Brown?

  Oh, honey, listen, my husband was so happy. He was like, finally, the world get to see who I know.

• 1:09:49Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:09:49Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah. I mean, for years, he hated the industry of Hollywood because he saw how it changed me. He would always say, why you can't just be you? He would, I mean, it would be all the time. Why you can't just be Tab? You know, the same Tab that they talk to your daddy. And I'm like, that ain't what they want. I gotta be this Tab. Those were the arguments. And all the no's I would get and all the hard work I would be studying and going to class. And he was like, you doing all of this and they still don't like you. So he hated the industry for a long time. So when I became free and started walking in my freedom walk, he was like, now the world gets to see who I love.

• 1:10:31Tabitha Brown?

  And I was like, you was kinda right about it, I guess, all along.

• 1:10:35Lewis Howes?

  You was probably like, yeah.

• 1:10:36Tabitha Brown?

  But no, it actually has made our relationship better and stronger.

• 1:10:39Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 1:10:39Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:40Lewis Howes?

  Chance the man.

• 1:10:43Lewis Howes?

  You know, you talk about fears a lot in the book, I Did A New Thing. What do you think was the biggest fear when you were not fully obedient or fully living the most authentic life that was meant for you?

• 1:10:59Lewis Howes?

  And what is the biggest fear now?

• 1:11:02Lewis Howes?

  Stepping into owning you 100%.

• 1:11:05Tabitha Brown?

  I think the biggest fear before was, you know, dying with this thing inside of me.

• 1:11:16Tabitha Brown?

  Like, never letting it be seen, right?

• 1:11:23Tabitha Brown?

  Fear now doesn't necessarily live with me as much. I don't know if I have a necessarily, like, I don't know if I have a fear. I want to,

• 1:11:44Tabitha Brown?

  I want to change people, right? I want to,

• 1:11:49Tabitha Brown?

  I want to affect them in the best way possible, right? And sometimes,

• 1:11:57Tabitha Brown?

  trying to spread love and positivity, people don't want to buy into that sometimes.

• 1:12:03Lewis Howes?

  Why is that?

• 1:12:05Tabitha Brown?

  I think misery loves company. You know, and sometimes happiness scares people. You know, you can have people that everything's going great and they'll be like, I know something bad's gonna happen. Why?

• 1:12:20Tabitha Brown?

  We're allowed to go through it either way. You know? So I think sometimes I don't necessarily fear it, but I am concerned.

• 1:12:30Tabitha Brown?

  Am I doing enough with spreading love and trying to reach people? Am I doing it the right way? Even though I feel at peace about it, I always, you know, I'm in prayer like, God, is this really what you want me to do? I want to make sure I'm not ever being triggered to get back into being in control. Because, you know, healing is a journey. And so sometimes we can be triggered to going back to our old things. And my old thing is being, I'm in control. Instead of, no, no, I'm letting God be in control and I'm walking. And I never want to go back. I never want to go back.

• 1:13:13Lewis Howes?

  How do you know when you're on the right path in surrender versus in control?

• 1:13:23Tabitha Brown?

  I think it's that feeling. For me, it's the feeling off balance.

• 1:13:31Lewis Howes?

  When you feel like you're trying to control things?

• 1:13:32Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:33Lewis Howes?

  You feel more off balance.

• 1:13:34Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah, and when nothing seems to be lining up. Oh, Tab, you trying to do this. Step back. Step back and let's look at every piece of the puzzle.

• 1:13:46Tabitha Brown?

  And make sure you're not trying to create the puzzle. Create the pieces and put it all together. Sit back and let God do what God does. We still have to do our part because faith without work is dead, right? But still, you got to let Him orchestrate. Yeah.

• 1:14:03Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:14:04Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:07Lewis Howes?

  What do you feel like will be the thing that holds you back the most moving forward? Besides, you know, being and trying to be in control or not be obedient? Is there anything else? You don't have the fears anymore. What are you preparing for? Like with the abundance coming your way, what are you preparing for to make sure you don't get in your own way?

• 1:14:28Tabitha Brown?

  I think just staying true to who I am. Right? I don't, I don't fear.

• 1:14:36Tabitha Brown?

  I don't fear or.

• 1:14:39Tabitha Brown?

  Project negative, right? I ain't, I'm not, I'm not preparing for negative. I'm expecting the unexpected, right? Which I'm always in my mind thinking of God saying is more than what I can imagine. Right, that's greatness. That's what I'm, what I'm looking forward to. I don't look forward to cloudy days, although I know they will come. But they're not, it's not something I'm like, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm planning for a bad day. No, I'm planning for all good days. I'm, I'm, I am being mindful and intentional with joy. Right?

• 1:15:19Tabitha Brown?

  So I don't think, and, and listen, that may be the thing that holds me back. And if it does, then we, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But I don't plan on allowing anything to shift me outside of the position God has put me in. I think that I trust God. I believe that he has me on this journey. And I'm all right with whatever come my way.

• 1:15:50Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 1:15:51Tabitha Brown?

  That's just kind of how I feel about it.

• 1:15:53Lewis Howes?

  What do you think is the greatest lesson God has taught you?

• 1:15:56Tabitha Brown?

  I was always enough. I didn't need to try to do his job. Cause, cause the thing about when you conform and when you try to, you know, create another person, that's me saying, God, you didn't do a good enough job on me. I had to fix me. But he taught me, he had did a great job and I was enough just as he created me to be.

• 1:16:21Lewis Howes?

  Wow. That's inspiring. You've done, you've done like three books in the last four years?

• 1:16:27Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:27Lewis Howes?

  Is that right? Three in the last four?

• 1:16:29Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah, in a little journal, like a workbook journal, but yeah.

• 1:16:31Lewis Howes?

  Just keeping track. Four books in four years, yeah. Uh, this one's called I Did A New Thing by Tabitha Brown. You're number one New York Times bestselling author, multiple New York Times bestselling author. This is all about the thirty days to living free. You talk about how to really create new habits and a framework around setting yourself up for freedom, stepping into your truth, overcoming your fears. I'm excited, I'm excited for people to get a copy of I Did A New Thing.

• 1:16:55Tabitha Brown?

  Yes.

• 1:16:56Lewis Howes?

  What else are you most excited about these days that you're working on and how we can support and serve you?

• 1:17:01Tabitha Brown?

  Yes, um, I know we were talking about it. I'm excited to get back into doing more acting. And I, I love that, you know, sometimes, and, and this is important for somebody to hear. Somebody needs to be reminded of this. Sometimes we have a dream, right? But our journey to get to it doesn't always look like how we envision it. And so God took me on this whole different path that has led me back to be able to do the thing that I've been dreaming of since I was a kid.

• 1:17:26Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:17:27Tabitha Brown?

  And so more I'm acting, I just finished a film, um, uh, television, you know, doing things that really matter to me, making people laugh, sometimes making them cry, right? That's what we do as actors, making people feel, that's it. Um, creating more products that people can use in everyday life, because I think that's the most important. Uh, and I know my, I know my, my fan base, I know my, as I call them, my, my fam base, they my family. Um, and, you know, feeding people good food, good recipes, but also feeding their soul with inspiration and, um, staying true. So I just keep on doing things that, that matter and that are, you know, real to me.

• 1:18:12Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 1:18:13Tabitha Brown?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:13Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode. In that review, I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told

• 1:18:53Lewis Howes?

  you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.