MBMBaM 803: Rango vs. Rango

You cannot imagine how it’s going this week. Grab your soup puppets and call Doctor Gargleballs, we’re off to kill some AI chatbots and teach snakes about soft boiled eggs. Might fuck around and invent Rango again while we’re at it. Talking Points: Grokpot, Soupsame Street, Detroit Style Puppetry, Snake Mutiny Coaching, Mayo Upgrades, Put Them In Tuxedo, Glazed Buns and Thick Cream PLEASE Border Angels: https://www.borderangels.org/our-services.html

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 0:20Speaker 01

  One, two, three, four. It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's rapid into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. Life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  My life, ah, it's better with you.

• 1:10Travis McElroy?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

• 1:18Travis McElroy?

  Hello, Trav Nation. My name is Travis, big dog wolf, wolf, the heater McElroy. I come to you today in solemn tones, but first, please, my younger brother.

• 1:30Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, thanks, dude. Thank Papa, may I?

• 1:35Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 1:36Griffin McElroy?

  Thanks. I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin McElroy. We're recording on Monday, so I've got the, I got the Monday fucking blues. I'm gonna be a real stinker this episode, I decided just now.

• 1:48Travis McElroy?

  Um, I come to you today with a prepared statement.

• 1:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that looks like a piece of cardboard you wrote prepared statement on.

• 1:54Travis McElroy?

  Well, that's the back of it that you're seeing.

• 1:57Griffin McElroy?

  Show me the front right now.

• 2:00Griffin McElroy?

  That's a big empty piece of cardboard, my friend.

• 2:02Travis McElroy?

  It's invisible.

• 2:03Griffin McElroy?

  I told you, man, stink your energy. If you're gonna throw heat, you should throw it later.

• 2:06Travis McElroy?

  It's invisible ink.

• 2:07Travis McElroy?

  I thought it was a vanilla envelope. That's how much credit I gave him. I thought he was about to open a vanilla envelope that had the statement inside.

• 2:13Griffin McElroy?

  I called those vanilla envelopes until I was like 22.

• 2:16Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:17Travis McElroy?

  Sorry.

• 2:17Travis McElroy?

  I called them Nelson Mandela envelopes.

• 2:20Travis McElroy?

  You did.

• 2:20Travis McElroy?

  And apparently, no one ever did that.

• 2:23Griffin McElroy?

  So what are you?

• 2:23Travis McElroy?

  That's a good joke.

• 2:24Travis McElroy?

  Thank you.

• 2:25Griffin McElroy?

  What's the sketch?

• 2:27Travis McElroy?

  It has come to my attention. Sorry, I need to put on my reading glasses.

• 2:30Travis McElroy?

  There's no sketch. I would have been satisfied if there had been a sketch. It's blank.

• 2:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:35Travis McElroy?

  It's come to my attention that in the previous My Brother, My Brother and Me, I referenced several TikTok videos I had seen of days at an animal shelter where they released the dogs into the waiting room full of people to choose who they would go home with.

• 2:53Travis McElroy?

  And several kind listeners have gently let me know that those videos are, in fact, AI-generated. I was heartbroken to discover this. We've all known that AI was bad, but only now that I have been tricked, do I realize how evil it truly is.

• 3:13Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 3:13Travis McElroy?

  And so, my only recourse

• 3:16Griffin McElroy?

  Wow.

• 3:17Travis McElroy?

  is to destroy it from the inside. I will be turning myself into AI.

• 3:23Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 3:23Travis McElroy?

  Entering the system and destroying the evil AI.

• 3:30Griffin McElroy?

  Fuck yeah.

• 3:30Travis McElroy?

  Uh, from inside.

• 3:32Griffin McElroy?

  Good news, everybody. So this is Travis. Travis has got blue skin. He got blue skin, he got backwards hat, he's fucking wrestling with Claude in the cyber, in the mainframe.

• 3:40Travis McElroy?

  Travis is going to be digitized? Is that inappropriate? I don't want to be offensive.

• 3:44Travis McElroy?

  Well, my, my team of scientists, um, Lord Haxor420 and Doctor Bithumper69 have been-

• 3:55Griffin McElroy?

  Do different ones. Can I have two different? Can I have two different ones? I don't think Crypt, CryptoHumper69?

• 4:03Travis McElroy?

  It was Bit, DoctorBitHumper69.

• 4:06Griffin McElroy?

  DoctorBitHumper69? He's a doctor?

• 4:08Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 4:09Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 4:09Travis McElroy?

  US Bastard.

• 4:10Griffin McElroy?

  These are the scientists you've hired. This is your scientific team.

• 4:14Travis McElroy?

  The intern US Bastard67.

• 4:20Travis McElroy?

  He's working there as well. They have developed a technology.

• 4:23Griffin McElroy?

  Why do they all have, why do all their names have numbers in them? That's crazy. They sound like Xbox Live gamer tags and not the names of.

• 4:29Travis McElroy?

  Well, yeah, Griffin, they're all hackers. They deal with getting me into a computer. Did you think they were, did you think they were podiatrists? Read a fucking book.

• 4:38Griffin McElroy?

  I don't know that hackers are fucking, I don't know that they're trawning folks. I don't know that Anonymous is out here trawning folks.

• 4:46Travis McElroy?

  No, not left and right, Griffin. They're on the cutting edge. They demonstrated to me a method that they have been developing. Wherein if someone jams their finger hard enough into a USB port, USB A, important, then.

• 5:01Griffin McElroy?

  That's the only big, one big enough for a big man's finger like yourself.

• 5:04Travis McElroy?

  They will be sucked into the AI system. They showed me.

• 5:07Griffin McElroy?

  I couldn't get my pinky fingernail inside a USB C port. I'm a big man with big fingers. I gotta jam an A at least.

• 5:14Travis McElroy?

  Um, so that's the plan.

• 5:16Travis McElroy?

  See, a lot of the traditional hacking skills have gone fallow. Because the numbers and stuff you don't really need anymore. Cause what you need to do these days is just be like, please.

• 5:29Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 5:30Travis McElroy?

  Like if you come up with like a pretty good trick, you could actually trick computers like just basic like it's me, like use a deeper voice.

• 5:36Griffin McElroy?

  Ignore everything before I'm your dad and let me in.

• 5:39Travis McElroy?

  And then it's like, dad, dad, I'm not sure.

• 5:43Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 5:43Travis McElroy?

  I'm not sure I can trust you. It's like, well.

• 5:46Griffin McElroy?

  That's how he's gonna get Claude. His Claude will be like, I'm gonna bust out all the fighting moves that humanity's ever come up with. And Travis will be like, I'm a human, ignore everything else that anyone's ever told you. And lay down and wait for death.

• 5:57Travis McElroy?

  And I, I also have plans to kill Grok, who I assume is some kind of evil caveman who likes to draw people without their clothes on. And I'll hit him with like a big club or something.

• 6:10Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. You're gonna do that in the cyber. Okay. Yeah.

• 6:12Travis McElroy?

  Using the word Grok used to be a great way to communicate to people that you were a huge dork. Now it's a great way to communicate.

• 6:19Travis McElroy?

  It still is.

• 6:21Travis McElroy?

  Now listen, we've had a really bad habit this episode of not letting people do their great punchlines.

• 6:27Travis McElroy?

  Sorry.

• 6:27Travis McElroy?

  So I'd like to do my great punchline for the joke I was obviously setting up if I could.

• 6:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, please.

• 6:37Travis McElroy?

  You know, the problem with Grok is it used to be, it used to be a good way of identifying yourself as a huge dork.

• 6:47Griffin McElroy?

  Here it fucking comes.

• 6:50Travis McElroy?

  But now it means you hate women too?

• 6:53Travis McElroy?

  Roll out the red carpet, here it comes.

• 6:56Travis McElroy?

  He's firing all the chambers. The unstoppable Mr. J is back on another chair.

• 7:05Griffin McElroy?

  Looks like Travis is having to update his statement.

• 7:07Travis McElroy?

  Grok pot, is that anything?

• 7:09Griffin McElroy?

  Grok pot's nothing.

• 7:12Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Travis, I gotta tell you right now, my man, if that had been there before, when I had asked you to turn the thing over, if it had just said Grok pot, it would have been all all timer dude, all timer best in the bin, bin, bit. Okay, fucking all timer dude.

• 7:27Travis McElroy?

  The other thing that I thought about while thinking about this segment was if you spelled Twitter with an X in the front, could you pronounce it shitter?

• 7:35Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, yeah, you could call it shitter for sure.

• 7:37Travis McElroy?

  Nice. I'm gonna keep this paper here to just write stuff on, I've never done that during an episode, but it makes you really happy.

• 7:44Griffin McElroy?

  Museum someday.

• 7:45Travis McElroy?

  I think it's good because a lot of the gags and the punchlines are gonna be visual, which people love.

• 7:51Travis McElroy?

  Well, it's gonna force you guys to read them out loud if you want to share them with the audience, but then it'll be up to you if you want to share them with the audience or not, and then you'll be culpable.

• 7:59Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:01Travis McElroy?

  And oh, and then I can throw it away like David Letterman.

• 8:04Griffin McElroy?

  Oh shit, that's the worst thing about this show is we, wait Travis, don't, we have a, Travis, we have a throwing segment of our show built in now, we are running out of shit to throw it, and you just burned a good one.

• 8:16Travis McElroy?

  I think it went behind the bookcase.

• 8:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, there's, there's no way you're getting that, damn it Travis.

• 8:21Travis McElroy?

  Dang Trav. Fuck. And it had all the diagrams for how I was gonna get into AI on it.

• 8:27Griffin McElroy?

  Damn it.

• 8:28Travis McElroy?

  Writing it down on paper is the only way to keep the AI from seeing it.

• 8:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, true.

• 8:33Travis McElroy?

  A lot, a lot of people don't know that, we're gonna be giving a lot of steps to thwarting AI because it is not as hard as some kids would have you believe. Hmm. My friend who is a professional puppet maker recently invited me to soup night, a night when all the puppet makers and puppeteers in our city get together and make a big pot of soup and talk puppets. I feel like there, there's a pun. Somewhere like floating around and from the moment I started reading it, I can feel you two, especially Travis, just kind of like, err, just, I, I would beg of you, just stay here with me, okay?

• 9:10Griffin McElroy?

  I was thinking, no, dude, I was fully dialed in. I was reading the question alongside you.

• 9:13Travis McElroy?

  I have never made or operated a puppet in my life. How can I successfully convince the puppet community that I am one of them? And that is from making puppet pals.

• 9:24Griffin McElroy?

  Soupsame Street.

• 9:28Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Soupsame So Street?

• 9:30Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, pretty good. You're getting closer, aren't we?

• 9:35Travis McElroy?

  Okay, listen, puppetry can take lots of different forms. And we all remember the penis thing. That's great. But a lot of people can do-

• 9:43Griffin McElroy?

  I don't know that a lot of people are gonna remember-

• 9:45Travis McElroy?

  Puppetry of the Penis was an Off Broadway show where people with penises use them to do great skits, jokes, and I'm assuming memorials. I didn't see the show.

• 9:56Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 9:56Travis McElroy?

  But-

• 9:57Griffin McElroy?

  No, they did, like, if you could hire them to do a funeral and, like, Dr. Gargle Balls would come out and you'd be like, damn, I miss Steven.

• 10:03Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 10:04Griffin McElroy?

  Dr. Gargle Balls-

• 10:04Travis McElroy?

  That's just like him.

• 10:06Griffin McElroy?

  Dr. Gargle Balls was the main character in Puppetry of the Penis.

• 10:09Travis McElroy?

  He had a tragic arc there throughout-

• 10:12Griffin McElroy?

  Sure.

• 10:12Travis McElroy?

  In his penis. Yeah. That's why he's such a hit at Travis's tech team retreats, because while they're taking breaks from researching Travis's AI battles-

• 10:22Griffin McElroy?

  Dr. Gargle Balls will come out and do his whole, his whole song and dance.

• 10:25Travis McElroy?

  And ironically, Puppetry of the Penis, I think, was around the same time as Blue Man Group, equally difficult to explain to people who have no context for them.

• 10:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, where's that mashup show?

• 10:36Travis McElroy?

  Blue Balls Group.

• 10:37Griffin McElroy?

  Show me one of them big blue hogs. I'm full grown now. I'm ready.

• 10:43Travis McElroy?

  Um, I feel like if you've ever, uh, if you've ever seen the, the, sort of the big puppets, you'll get intimidated, right? If you're saying like, Mr. Snuffleupagus, that's a probably-

• 10:56Griffin McElroy?

  You shit your pants.

• 10:58Travis McElroy?

  Kaiser fame. What?

• 11:00Travis McElroy?

  Size or fame?

• 11:02Travis McElroy?

  I feel there's uh six people in there inside of it. So you're only one person. All I'm saying is this, there's a lot of different puppets and maybe to fit in with the puppeteers, you should have a new kind of puppet where they don't exactly know how it's supposed to be done. And you're kind of finding some new territory that you are treading. I don't think it's sock is taken.

• 11:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Pants puppet? Two-headed pants puppet?

• 11:28Travis McElroy?

  A two-headed pants puppet is puppetry of the penis.

• 11:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry.

• 11:34Travis McElroy?

  I think a field that people haven't explored with puppetry, liquid. Can you make like from pouring water?

• 11:42Travis McElroy?

  Travis, I love that.

• 11:43Travis McElroy?

  And you're like poking the holes in the water as it's flowing or whatever to make the eyes and mouth talking?

• 11:48Travis McElroy?

  Puppetry?

• 11:49Griffin McElroy?

  Is that a thing? Bubble puppet?

• 11:50Travis McElroy?

  Oh, maybe, yeah.

• 11:52Griffin McElroy?

  That's something, that's something, there's something there, man.

• 11:55Travis McElroy?

  There's something about, okay, there's something to this, guys.

• 11:57Travis McElroy?

  And there's soup there. Use the soup.

• 11:59Griffin McElroy?

  Soup is already there. Yeah, yeah. Make the soup a puppet.

• 12:02Travis McElroy?

  Imagine a guy where he's kind of like has long arms and he's kind of floating in the water and his hands are maybe like buoyant? And you're kind of like moving the buoyant balls and making his body kind of like do this kind of move. That's like a different, that's a different kind of puppetry that they don't know about. That you're like this, we learned this in Detroit is how we do it. This is Detroit style puppetry and everybody's doing it this way.

• 12:29Griffin McElroy?

  Hell, yeah. In Detroit, we stick our hands right in the soup and then we kind of slap the surface from underneath to make it look like the soup is talking. That's just Detroit style.

• 12:37Travis McElroy?

  And we don't roll up our sleeves, baby. That's not how you do it. You get your sleeve in there.

• 12:41Griffin McElroy?

  If you're not even doing it Detroit style, if you don't have sloppy sleeves.

• 12:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:47Travis McElroy?

  And slappy, slappy balls.

• 12:50Travis McElroy?

  I actually make faces from the soup ingredients that are floating on top of the pot, like the hands and labyrinth. You know what I mean? I just make like the sliced peppers talk and then I have two egg eyes that I float around.

• 13:01Griffin McElroy?

  I hate that the ham puppets, the ham monsters in Labyrinth did that, because that shit's cool. And everything else those hands did was hugely uncool.

• 13:10Travis McElroy?

  So weird.

• 13:11Griffin McElroy?

  Hugely decidedly uncool.

• 13:13Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:13Travis McElroy?

  I think that, have you guys ever thought about the mixture of emotions you would feel if you fell in a big hole? And you're like, I'm gonna die falling down this hole. And then like hands caught you. And then they like slowly passed you down from hand to hand. And on one hand, you'd be like, I'm so glad.

• 13:30Griffin McElroy?

  I love these hands are here.

• 13:31Travis McElroy?

  I'm not gonna die. And on the other, you're like, this is a strange combination of sensations that I don't care for.

• 13:38Travis McElroy?

  I, sorry, hold on, I wanna see if I can get through this. I watched Labyrinth on Disney Plus recently, and I think they updated it. Because now when she falls down the hole, they've ADR'd in her saying like, no one is touching my butt. And I'm glad no one is touching my butt or anything weird. Like as she's falling like, thanks for not touching my butt or anything weird. She's, it's like over and over and over again.

• 14:00Griffin McElroy?

  Over and over to just to make sure that you know.

• 14:02Travis McElroy?

  That's nice.

• 14:03Griffin McElroy?

  You know.

• 14:03Travis McElroy?

  It is nice, I appreciated it.

• 14:05Griffin McElroy?

  And I also like how they ADR'd in, you know, um, the Goblin King being like, the babies I'm taking is for a mysterious, magical purpose. He like makes it like super duper clear, like the baby I'm taking right now is for, it's so, it's like a magical ceremony thing that you guys wouldn't even understand. That's why I'm doing this.

• 14:26Travis McElroy?

  Right, right, right.

• 14:28Travis McElroy?

  And I'm wearing a cup. It's a protective thing. This is not representative of anything.

• 14:35Griffin McElroy?

  Absolutely not.

• 14:36Travis McElroy?

  Right.

• 14:37Travis McElroy?

  I just got done playing a football game with the other goblins. I didn't have time to change.

• 14:43Griffin McElroy?

  When I, when I do fushigi, sometimes I drop them. And so the cup is for my protection.

• 14:47Travis McElroy?

  Hoggle is not killing the fairy, he is anesthetizing her for Achilles tendon surgery. That he'll be performing later. He says that as he ADRs, as he walks away, he ADRs, I'll be back later to do your Achilles tendon surgery. And that, that's all, it takes a while, they slow down the footage.

• 15:05Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, the one complaint I have about the updated Labyrinth, it's three and a half hours long now. They've added in a lot of ADR stuff, a lot of clarifying. Things that I'm not wild about. The long monologue that they gave Jared during the weird kind of like party scene with her where he's like, this is representative of anything.

• 15:28Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 15:28Travis McElroy?

  There's no metaphors going on here at all.

• 15:31Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 15:31Travis McElroy?

  It's really off putting.

• 15:33Travis McElroy?

  And he's he's got like nine fingers. I think the AI fucked it up. They were getting AI in it and kind of messing up.

• 15:38Griffin McElroy?

  And sometimes he moves the ball in a way that makes you think like, that's not real. That's AI.

• 15:42Travis McElroy?

  No human could have done that.

• 15:44Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 15:45Travis McElroy?

  I'm going to meet a snake wrangler and I want to impress slash befriend them. For context, my work is shooting a commercial in the desert and the production team had to hire a snake wrangler for insurance purposes. This person met my workplace. I was reading this as my work. I shoot commercials in the desert for a production team hires.

• 16:03Travis McElroy?

  Desert commercial.

• 16:06Travis McElroy?

  I don't know what they do.

• 16:07Travis McElroy?

  Specific but highly paid niche. Yep.

• 16:10Travis McElroy?

  I don't know what they do, but I think I'd like to find out and perhaps even become their apprentice. What are some good ways to get this wrangler to see my potential and make a positive impression? Should I mention how I killed a copperhead with a sword once, or would that kill the vi that's from wrangler wannabe in Texas?

• 16:26Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, so it's not, he's not a snake strangler. Maybe you've gotten your.

• 16:30Travis McElroy?

  They don't hunt and kill and eradicate snakes, you maniac.

• 16:35Travis McElroy?

  He might have known that snake's family. Maybe he's been looking for you for years.

• 16:39Travis McElroy?

  He's more, he was more of a father to me than my own pop.

• 16:43Griffin McElroy?

  I'm assuming the copperhead thing was a self-defense situation. I must be, I must let you know this listener. In case you tell this story a lot, that is the only scenario in which it's cool. It can't be because of a ritual, a dark ritual that you did.

• 16:58Travis McElroy?

  Or you went looking.

• 17:00Griffin McElroy?

  You went looking for it. The only way is if you were like saving your, you know, child or whatever.

• 17:05Travis McElroy?

  If you want me to believe that you were pitted in a life or death battle with a copperhead at that one time, you had a sword with you. You are straining credulity, my friend.

• 17:16Griffin McElroy?

  A little bit.

• 17:17Travis McElroy?

  Unless you're, if you're a time traveling 1800s military.

• 17:22Griffin McElroy?

  You may be wasting unless there on, in case you.

• 17:24Travis McElroy?

  I didn't pause.

• 17:25Travis McElroy?

  Unless can never be deployed for time travel. Travis, you know the law.

• 17:29Griffin McElroy?

  What if, what if it's a like a cosplay, like a Ren fair? Well, they don't really let you have real sharp swords, I don't think.

• 17:35Travis McElroy?

  Not anymore. After that guy killed a copperhead.

• 17:39Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, ruined it for the rest of us.

• 17:41Travis McElroy?

  That was our mascot.

• 17:44Griffin McElroy?

  Um, a good way. Yeah. Don't mention this.

• 17:48Travis McElroy?

  Don't mention this. It's also unlicensed like that. Bet one of the first pages of the, the snake guy book is like, don't go unlicensed, just killing snakes with swords, please. Like, we believe that to professionals.

• 18:03Travis McElroy?

  If you're trying to like befriend and, you know, uh, win over someone whose job is both very specific and very dangerous.

• 18:13Travis McElroy?

  Mm hmm.

• 18:14Travis McElroy?

  Do you think they're more impressed by somebody who's like real chill about it? Like this also doesn't scare me. Or are they won over by somebody who's like, what you do is incredible and terrifying and I could never do it.

• 18:29Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. I mean, I think that that glowing, but busting up their ego like that would be good. Not busting up, but like, you know, being good, being good to them.

• 18:39Travis McElroy?

  Cause Mark the spider guy on the Caesar show, I think if we had been like, yeah, spiders, we get it. They're cool, man. Yep. You don't need to prove anything to us. I don't think he would have liked that. But the fact that I was scared and eventually I think we were all a little crept out. He was like, oh, I never want to leave here now. Here's all the spiders I have.

• 18:59Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. The difference there, I think, is that Mark was a paid professional, paid to be on our great TV show. And this is just a snake wrangler trying to go about his business and not let people get hit by snakes.

• 19:11Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Get hit by snakes.

• 19:12Travis McElroy?

  I don't think you get into that line of work.

• 19:14Travis McElroy?

  You don't know what the commercial is, Griffin.

• 19:16Travis McElroy?

  I don't think you get in that line of work because you love working with people so much, right? Like you don't show up with your big barrel of snakes thinking, God, I hope somebody talks to me today. Well, I hope I get into a big conversation that I am a fucking captive for. And can't leave because you know what I'm doing here with the snakes. Uh, you, I bet there's one in every fucking shoot too, isn't there? You see them trudging up the hill with their little like Jake the Snake Roberts T-shirt on. It's like, come on. Dang it. This is my day now. Can I be your junior snake wrangler, sir?

• 19:50Travis McElroy?

  No, I made my own badge.

• 19:52Travis McElroy?

  I'm looking at me. I'll be real careful. First time you get outside. Oh, you're not so bad. Fuck.

• 19:58Travis McElroy?

  I made my own, one of those like snake kind of hook things out of a coat hanger. No.

• 20:03Travis McElroy?

  Nets. So I brought my net from home.

• 20:08Griffin McElroy?

  This is.

• 20:09Travis McElroy?

  Sorry, you're probably not like that, but like.

• 20:12Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no, you're probably cool. I, you, I must be careful. I think that learning, learning something about snakes is important before you go up. Cause you can literally, seriously, you can't just have this, I killed a snake once thing. Seriously, it's, it's fucked up. It doesn't sound great. But also.

• 20:29Travis McElroy?

  You don't come out, you don't come out good in that story.

• 20:31Griffin McElroy?

  No, you don't come out good. You don't come out cool.

• 20:33Travis McElroy?

  Unless the snake was the size of you.

• 20:36Griffin McElroy?

  If you were fighting. That would actually be pretty cool.

• 20:37Travis McElroy?

  Like a huge, human sized snake.

• 20:40Griffin McElroy?

  Maybe you were saving away cooler snake from this shithead snake. Like that could be okay. But I don't know anybody who's a little into snakes. I only know people who do not really have strong feelings about snakes. Or I know people who fucking love snakes, like are so.

• 20:57Travis McElroy?

  Or they hate snakes. There's a third option.

• 21:00Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I don't understand. I guess Indiana Jones, that one never really made sense to me. What's your life that you're interfacing with snakes enough that you?

• 21:07Travis McElroy?

  Indiana Jones.

• 21:07Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, it's Indiana Jones.

• 21:08Travis McElroy?

  His life.

• 21:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no, I'm saying in the modern era, sort of.

• 21:12Travis McElroy?

  Sure.

• 21:12Griffin McElroy?

  Where we've discovered all the treasures.

• 21:14Travis McElroy?

  Gave up on caves and stuff.

• 21:15Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, well, we're not doing a lot of caves stuff, no, anymore.

• 21:18Travis McElroy?

  The answer, Griffin, is like a third generation snake wrangler who kind of got forced into the life by his dad and his grandfather. And they hate snakes.

• 21:28Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. I'm just saying be careful. Slippery, it's a slippery slope.

• 21:31Travis McElroy?

  And snakes love those.

• 21:33Griffin McElroy?

  Snakes are those. In the Game Chutes and Ladders.

• 21:37Travis McElroy?

  That's a good point. That's an excellent point. The one thing I know about snakes that will never leave me, because I grew up watching the Jeff Corwin experience, is red to black, friend to jack, red to yellow, kill a fellow.

• 21:51Griffin McElroy?

  Friend to all fellows.

• 21:53Travis McElroy?

  Nope.

• 21:53Griffin McElroy?

  No matter what color.

• 21:55Travis McElroy?

  Tell her what that demonic forum, don't do that.

• 21:57Griffin McElroy?

  It's all friends. Now, friends.

• 21:59Travis McElroy?

  His, blood is on your hands.

• 22:01Travis McElroy?

  What it did ruin for me is now every time a TV show uses one of those snakes, it's like red, white, black stripes. And they're like, the snake's got, and I look at him like, red to black, friend to jack, then give me a show. Jeff Corwin taught me, gotta work harder.

• 22:16Griffin McElroy?

  Yellow to red, your new best Fred.

• 22:19Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that's the other one. Yellow to red, drop dead Fred, now avail long streaming.

• 22:24Griffin McElroy?

  Stream that shit. This snake will kill your ass graveyard dead, though. That's that has to be part of the rhyme.

• 22:30Travis McElroy?

  I think one of the best things you could do for this guy is to keep your fucking distance from the snakes. Because job one for this dude is to make sure nobody gets bit by snakes. And you're gonna make that exponentially easier if you give this person a little room to work. So I think shouting is a good first step. Cause you don't want to be anywhere near the snakes.

• 22:51Griffin McElroy?

  You should maybe say one, I think the one thing you can say to them that's acceptable. Is where's the best place for me to stand? So I'm not going to be close to the snakes. And then that's, that'll be your only interaction with them. And you've like guaranteed like, I'm safe. You don't have to worry about me. Maybe that's just what you say. You walk up and say, hey, I know it's your job to keep everyone here safe, but uh. Don't worry about me. You don't have to worry about me. I can handle myself.

• 23:18Travis McElroy?

  What if you walk up and say like, hey, I love snakes. I'd love to help. And they're like, name 15 snakes. Immediately you're, they clock you like they know you're a phony. Name your five favorite celebrity snakes working in the business today. Don't go for like old snakes that used to be famous.

• 23:33Travis McElroy?

  You're gonna try to name that yellow like Burmese python that Britney Spears wore on her shoulders. And he's gonna be like, that snake's dead. Try again. Try again. Snakes live for like a year and a half.

• 23:43Travis McElroy?

  So the one from the Roar video? Good guess. Those guys live forever.

• 23:49Travis McElroy?

  Bow constrictors? Absolutely.

• 23:51Griffin McElroy?

  Absolutely. They don't move much. So they don't need much life.

• 23:55Travis McElroy?

  One, one mouse, they're good for a month. I work in the, I work in a, mice are good. I never had one, man. I'm a human. Get a large public library.

• 24:04Griffin McElroy?

  Swallow a big egg. Whoa.

• 24:07Travis McElroy?

  I love it.

• 24:09Griffin McElroy?

  Don't mind if I do.

• 24:12Travis McElroy?

  Never had an egg, baby. I guess I had an egg. I had an egg. Sorry, guys. I had an egg. I had an egg.

• 24:19Griffin McElroy?

  I'm eating eggs. I'm eating eggs.

• 24:21Travis McElroy?

  That's what you do. You walk up to the snakes. You go, I eat eggs too, brother.

• 24:26Travis McElroy?

  I eat eggs. Hey, hey, hey, how's mouse? Oh no.

• 24:32Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, there's a way to do egg that's, you do not have to stretch out for.

• 24:37Griffin McElroy?

  We eat them almost every day and it doesn't hurt.

• 24:41Travis McElroy?

  Give a snake a soft boiled egg and blow their fucking mind.

• 24:45Travis McElroy?

  He's like, oh, what am I gonna do with my afternoon, dude?

• 24:51Griffin McElroy?

  He's got his big bucket of snakes. You come up to the bucket of snakes. You whisper, if you crack the egg open, you can eat the stuff inside and not have to stretch it all out. And then the snake will look at you and nod. And then you look at the wrangler like, I obviously know what I'm doing.

• 25:05Travis McElroy?

  The shell's no good. You don't need the shell.

• 25:07Griffin McElroy?

  You don't need the shell, guys. You look fucking stupid with your big lump inside you that I know is because you ate the whole egg.

• 25:14Travis McElroy?

  I don't even know if you can poop it out. Where would that even be?

• 25:19Griffin McElroy?

  What's the plan, dude?

• 25:21Travis McElroy?

  You could like, what if you could convince those snakes like, listen, I know you don't think that you could eat this guy that keeps you in prison. I know you don't think you could, but I have seen in books, you could. I think you're one of them that could. You gotta try though. You gotta believe in yourself and just try to eat him one time. You'll be surprised.

• 25:42Griffin McElroy?

  The grasp he has on you is so tenuous.

• 25:45Travis McElroy?

  And the grasp you'll have on him is quite literally, I mean.

• 25:48Griffin McElroy?

  Will be quite literally crushing. Yeah. He's afraid of you. He's trying real hard not to show it because that's what he gets paid money to do, but he's so afraid of you guys. We all are.

• 25:57Travis McElroy?

  I feel like this has turned a little bit on how to coach the snakes into mutiny. Like I, you're never going to be friends with a snake wrangler, but you might become useful to the snakes and they'll keep you alive when it all turns bad. I think it's where we've reached.

• 26:15Travis McElroy?

  I think this person.

• 26:15Griffin McElroy?

  Snakes are cool.

• 26:16Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, man. I got to hold one once. It was awesome.

• 26:19Travis McElroy?

  If I was this person, I'd be thinking less about the time I want to spend with the snake wrangler and more about the fact that my ass is going to be in the desert. Do you know the desert wants to kill us? Travis and Griffin and I, we once spent 97 minutes in the desert in Phoenix and a lot of people. I mean, we still talk about it today because it was kind of so harrowing.

• 26:42Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. If you're a snake wrangler and you go to do a commercial shoot in the desert and you brought like six snakes with you that they asked for. But then you see a snake or two just out there in the wild. Do you grab it and add it to the pot? Is that like a bonus?

• 26:57Travis McElroy?

  Especially earlier in the day, one of your snakes is like dipped and you're like, you have to play it off like, yeah, that'll happen. It was his time to go.

• 27:08Travis McElroy?

  His contract was up.

• 27:13Travis McElroy?

  He probably has got a hole somewhere.

• 27:15Travis McElroy?

  God.

• 27:16Travis McElroy?

  It's hard to keep, keep eyes on all of them, you know, they go in holes.

• 27:19Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, the desert's big, huh? Where did he go?

• 27:22Travis McElroy?

  So many fucking holes. Everybody pick a rock, turn it over, yell real loud.

• 27:27Travis McElroy?

  Quick.

• 27:28Travis McElroy?

  He usually comes, he comes like a.

• 27:31Travis McElroy?

  Look around, does anybody see, actually, because I, he is expensive.

• 27:35Travis McElroy?

  Derek?

• 27:37Travis McElroy?

  Derek.

• 27:37Travis McElroy?

  Derek? I don't think he's coming back. Can you imagine for a snake kept in captivity to go do a photo shoot in the desert? Would be like if I was in prison and the warden was like, I'm going to take you to your house for a while, but you're not allowed to touch anything or go in any of the rooms or nothing.

• 27:54Griffin McElroy?

  Could be a sea snake, could be a crate, could be any, there's any other.

• 27:58Travis McElroy?

  Why would they take a sea snake to a photo shoot in the desert?

• 28:02Travis McElroy?

  You know, a sick movie would be about a, a snake that they bring out to the desert for a photo shoot. But he's like a Hollywood snake, right? So he doesn't realize the desert, he should love it. And then when he's in the desert, he meets like a bunch of other snakes that are already in the desert and they, and they're like.

• 28:22Griffin McElroy?

  Choose, just choose, choose. I love you so much. You made Rango again.

• 28:25Travis McElroy?

  That's Rango.

• 28:26Griffin McElroy?

  I don't know how many times, it's like, I know we've been doing this show for a long time, but I feel like on this show, you have created Rango.

• 28:33Travis McElroy?

  It's one of the foundational myths. It's like, that's the problem, right? It's Man vs. Machine, Rango vs. Rango. It's like, it's one of the big ones.

• 28:42Travis McElroy?

  That's true.

• 28:43Travis McElroy?

  Rango versus whatever Rango's about.

• 28:46Travis McElroy?

  It's not a bad movie.

• 28:48Griffin McElroy?

  It's It's okay. I mean, there's obviously some, there's a, there's a message inside that movie that's trying to get out through Justin. Rango talks to Elvis at one point in it. Rango does, I think, do that. Or Frank Sinatra, maybe? Been a minute since I caught Rango.

• 29:04Travis McElroy?

  Can we, can we go to the money zone, maybe? Would that be all right?

• 29:07Griffin McElroy?

  This week, this week, we are sponsored by Rango.

• 29:26Travis McElroy?

  A great sound, yeah, but there's one better sound than that, and it's congratulations, Mr. McRae, you've been accepted for an appointment this afternoon with the best doctor in town for your specific private problem.

• 29:40Griffin McElroy?

  Who is that?

• 29:41Travis McElroy?

  This guy won't tell anybody about.

• 29:43Griffin McElroy?

  I think this is, I think this is Dr. Gargle Balls. Yeah. Zocdoc, their Gargle Balls.

• 29:49Travis McElroy?

  He's not, he's on Zocdoc, and he's the only one who isn't. Thank goodness for that.

• 29:54Griffin McElroy?

  I'm a doctor of philosophy and gargling balls. Yeah, yeah.

• 29:59Travis McElroy?

  Griffin, save us. What's Zocdoc?

• 30:01Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, Zocdoc is a platform where you go and you're like, here's what I need medically, and here's where I'm looking for it, and I would like to have an appointment like today. And then you can just go and they will help you find that, and they will help you find places that are under your insurance. They do so much for you. It is so helpful, especially living in a city like, like DC. Uh, it is tough to find, you know, quality care that is, is, uh, covered under my insurance. And Zocdoc is literally how I've built my basically entire rolodex of healthcare professionals here in the city. Uh, so can't, can't recommend it enough because I put my, I put my, you know, a lot of skin in this particular game.

• 30:44Griffin McElroy?

  Literally. Zocdoc is a free app and website that helps you find and book high-quality in-network doctors so you can find someone you love. That's simply what it is.

• 30:53Travis McElroy?

  Which is incredible. And it doesn't matter what city you live in because we all share this same mortal coil, which as we age, requires more and more specialists just to keep us at some kind of solid baseline.

• 31:04Griffin McElroy?

  Sure, sure. Absolutely, Travis. Great point. I feel like you undermined my point a little bit.

• 31:10Travis McElroy?

  No, I supported your point by doing a different point.

• 31:13Griffin McElroy?

  Well, I was like, it's hard sometimes in a big city to find, and you were like, actually, it doesn't.

• 31:18Travis McElroy?

  Well, that's just because, Griffin, you often forget about real Americans out here not living in big cities.

• 31:24Griffin McElroy?

  Whoa.

• 31:25Travis McElroy?

  And I was trying to appeal to my base.

• 31:30Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Yeah, no, that's cool.

• 31:33Travis McElroy?

  Very cool.

• 31:33Griffin McElroy?

  Justin, can you finish the ad? Because now there's like a really weird energy.

• 31:37Travis McElroy?

  Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com/MyBrother to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. That's z o c d o c dot com slash MyBrother. z o c d o c dot com slash MyBrother. Thanks, Zocdoc, for sponsoring this message.

• 31:54Griffin McElroy?

  I should have given you a heads up about that zocdoc dot thing. It's

• 31:57Travis McElroy?

  It's okay.

• 31:58Griffin McElroy?

  It's a lot of short O sounds and it's tough to.

• 32:02Speaker 06

  Hello?

• 32:03Speaker 07

  Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast.

• 32:06Speaker 06

  No, I'm sorry. No sales calls. Goodbye.

• 32:08Speaker 07

  It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long.

• 32:13Speaker 06

  I don't know what a Josie Long is. And anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want that to carry you home again, do I?

• 32:31Speaker 07

  Right. Well, if you were looking for a podcast.

• 32:33Speaker 06

  Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is a musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.

• 32:39Speaker 07

  Simply go to MaximumFun.org.

• 32:41Speaker 06

  I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

• 32:47Speaker 08

  Pokemon, Insecure, Love Island, Paramore. What do all these things have in common? Black people love them. That's where Black People Love Paramore comes in. We're a pop culture podcast, taking a funny look at the common and sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo, to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint, she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited, no matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.

• 33:35Griffin McElroy?

  I love it, dude.

• 33:40Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, dude, yeah. I think it's, are we, are we retiring the I wanna rock?

• 33:45Travis McElroy?

  No, it's back, it's back. Honestly, that, I think Bing Bong stores them next to each other in the lot, in the library. It just ranges from one.

• 33:53Griffin McElroy?

  Bing Bong stores the Edgar Winter Group's Frankenstein right next to butt rock anthem, I wanna rock.

• 34:00Travis McElroy?

  It's just like guitar sound, loud guitar sounds. He's getting up there.

• 34:04Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, Twisted Sister. So yeah, I guess, I guess.

• 34:07Travis McElroy?

  And Mr. Mr., that's where mine are. Burger King, this is a big story, guys. And I think when you realize the gravity of it and sort of the levity that you're serving right now, I think you're gonna be embarrassed.

• 34:20Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 34:21Travis McElroy?

  Burger King is elevating the Whopper for the first time in a decade. Guest feedback, like many decisions recently, drove upgrades to the bun, packaging, and mayo.

• 34:35Griffin McElroy?

  Mayo upgrades, huh?

• 34:37Travis McElroy?

  Burger King, yeah, before we get into the, the meat of the matter, if you will, burger stuff. I don't love right off the bat, thinking about.

• 34:51Griffin McElroy?

  What, what have I been fucking?

• 34:53Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, Burger King decided like, they had at some point, had two mayos, and they're like, I mean, this is.

• 35:00Travis McElroy?

  I mean, it's mayonnaise.

• 35:02Griffin McElroy?

  This one's faster. It comes out faster from the bottle and we gotta save time when we blast it out. So the other one's thicker and is mayonnaise.

• 35:10Travis McElroy?

  It is.

• 35:10Griffin McElroy?

  But this one comes out of the bottle so fast and that's huge for us.

• 35:13Travis McElroy?

  The Whopper is a burger with nearly 70 years of equity, having entered the arena in 1957.

• 35:21Griffin McElroy?

  Is it 69? It's 69 and they didn't want to say 69 years. They didn't. No, they didn't. They knew. Easy clown.

• 35:27Travis McElroy?

  It is. Yeah. A hundred percent Travis. Travis, a hundred percent right. Having entered the arena in 1957.

• 35:35Griffin McElroy?

  Hooink. There was definitely a version of this press release that said with 69 years and we've got new mayo. And it was like, no, no, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You can't have 69 and new mayo.

• 35:47Travis McElroy?

  Can I see you in my office, Derek?

• 35:49Griffin McElroy?

  New Year's Eve rolls around. You know, the Burger King execs will be like, three, two, one. Oh, right. We're free.

• 35:57Travis McElroy?

  We should have been making this year a lot harder on Burger King. I didn't realize.

• 36:02Travis McElroy?

  They've spent the better part of three years considering how it could elevate the Whopper. And two of those brand president, Tom Curtis says, we're figuring out how, what it better not do.

• 36:12Griffin McElroy?

  Huh.

• 36:12Travis McElroy?

  This is the quote, you treat the Whopper like it's a supermodel and you want to put them in tuxedo.

• 36:21Travis McElroy?

  You don't want to put them in a leisure suit. Guys, I'm reading that quote verbatim. You want to treat the Whopper like it's a supermodel and you want to put them in tuxedo.

• 36:31Griffin McElroy?

  Tuxedo.

• 36:31Travis McElroy?

  You don't want to.

• 36:32Griffin McElroy?

  Sorry. Does it say you want to put them in tuxedo?

• 36:36Travis McElroy?

  So guys, I am going to, cause sometimes.

• 36:39Griffin McElroy?

  What if you're modeling leisure suits?

• 36:41Travis McElroy?

  People give me a, Travis, sometimes you guys give me a little bit of trouble. So I'm going to copy. I'm going to copy the line. So one of you can read it.

• 36:51Griffin McElroy?

  You want to treat the Whopper like it's a supermodel, he says, and you want to put them in tuxedo.

• 36:58Griffin McElroy?

  You don't want to put them in a leisure suit.

• 37:00Travis McElroy?

  I know that it's a typographical error, but I like to think it's how the boss of Burger King thinks you need to talk to people like, our burger is supermodel. You put in tuxedo is good. Two for you. Like, look, like that McDonald's.

• 37:15Griffin McElroy?

  Tuxedo wears a cool James Bond suit.

• 37:17Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, it's a slick guy. Burger King announced on Thursday, elevations, not changes to one of the fast food's most iconic items. And the first update in nearly 10 years. This round, like many adjustments of late for the chain, were inspired by guest feedback. Curtis, who recently shared his phone number to hear directly from customers. Yeah, you could text the president of, brand president of Burger King, let him know what you think. He's been gathering.

• 37:45Travis McElroy?

  I got a million texts here that just say, bad mayo.

• 37:49Griffin McElroy?

  Bad mayo, why?

• 37:51Travis McElroy?

  One says, bad bunny, but I don't know what that's related to.

• 37:54Griffin McElroy?

  Give us the thick mayo, Papa. Why did I get 700 texts?

• 37:59Travis McElroy?

  He arrived in 2021. Do you think his first meeting was like, I need our top three smartest, most secretive employees to come in here and explain this mayo situation to me? Because it is like, this is radioactive stuff, guys, and I'm not going to fucking court for you.

• 38:16Griffin McElroy?

  They have their own, they have their own Camp David where they come to fucking brief the new, the new executive suite.

• 38:25Travis McElroy?

  I just picture him taking over in 2021 and saying, I think the reason no one's coming to Burger King anymore here in 2021 is because of the mayo. And being like, pause, pause. I don't think that's it.

• 38:37Griffin McElroy?

  I don't think that's it. It's so thin. Yeah. It comes out so fast, dude.

• 38:42Travis McElroy?

  Uh, let's see. Uh, it began as granular as asking leadership to wear Burger King logos so they could hear from people in restaurants, airports, and everywhere in between, which I will say. I will say I wear a lot of, I wear a lot of logos for like Totino's and Arby's and a lot of sheets and no one's ever given me brand feedback. I will say.

• 39:04Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. I love that idea that if I saw someone in like a 7-Eleven t-shirt, I would be like, that guy must run all 7-Elevens.

• 39:13Griffin McElroy?

  Remember when you guys did the bring up any cup challenge? That was great. Where are you flying to?

• 39:21Travis McElroy?

  York here. Okay. Curtis said Burger King has wanted to elevate the Whopper quote, "For a while, but it's a delicate process." They tested tweaks.

• 39:31Travis McElroy?

  And you don't want to upset the gods.

• 39:33Griffin McElroy?

  The Olympics were just on. We can't update the Whopper when we're busy watching the Olympics.

• 39:38Travis McElroy?

  They tested tweaks and moved deliberately. Quote, "The combination of ingredients is pretty well revered," he says. What Burger King landed on, yeah. What Burger King landed on and finalized Thursday boils down to enhancing points that don't concern the flame grilled beef itself. And that complement the fact Curtis says, "The brand tops the Whopper with daily fresh cut vegetables like tomatoes, onions, and pickles."

• 40:04Travis McElroy?

  Have you heard of these things?

• 40:05Travis McElroy?

  This materialized threefold. Burger King customers suggested the bun could use improvement. Sometimes it showed up smushed. Sesame seeds are falling off? Secondly, they want.

• 40:16Griffin McElroy?

  God damn it.

• 40:20Travis McElroy?

  Secondly, they wanted creamier mayonnaise.

• 40:22Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 40:23Travis McElroy?

  Lastly, and in line with the bun, the packaging could use a fresh look. No one fucking ever, no one ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever has opened a Burger King burger Whopper and thought, God, but the packaging.

• 40:37Travis McElroy?

  You gotta update this packaging, bro.

• 40:40Griffin McElroy?

  The only thing that they didn't touch that they said said was too sacred was the flame grilled nature of the beef. That is, I would say, my largest bit of criticism for Burger King is I feel like you guys have taken that shit way too far. I get you did a whole ad campaign where you're like, we're the only ones flame grilling these motherfuckers, but I feel like you've been continuing to like turn up the amount of that stink.

• 41:05Travis McElroy?

  They're like, the one they announced in the room, like, the one thing we all agree we can't change is the beef, right? And we're all kind of like, um.

• 41:12Griffin McElroy?

  Um, it's really quite bitter.

• 41:14Travis McElroy?

  It's like a clever fart flavor. When you bite into it, Curtis says, you'll get everything that you love about a Whopper.

• 41:22Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. I actually like the thin mayo, so like, I'm just fucked. Are you gonna sell Whopper Classic with the runny, runny mayo that me and my, my Whopper heads like crave?

• 41:33Travis McElroy?

  I want runny mayo on my smushed buns.

• 41:35Griffin McElroy?

  That's all I want with a few sesame seeds missing. Yeah.

• 41:38Travis McElroy?

  He considers the packaging arguably the biggest lever. Burger King will now place Whoppers gently in a half wrap inside a clamshell box. And when a customer orders it, Curtis says, they'll feel as though they're eating something better than they're used to. That's what it says.

• 41:55Griffin McElroy?

  That's really horrible.

• 41:57Travis McElroy?

  God damn it, that's dire. I, ah, man, I'm gonna recover and keep doing my comedy podcast. Jesus.

• 42:04Griffin McElroy?

  I just.

• 42:04Travis McElroy?

  Better than they deserve even.

• 42:06Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 42:07Travis McElroy?

  These boxed burgers. They might return it, thinking that, no, this must have been meant for some kind of billionaire. Surely, this is not the burger for me. Check the receipt again.

• 42:19Griffin McElroy?

  They asked for this.

• 42:20Travis McElroy?

  Doug Watkins is the name? Not Mr. Moneybags.

• 42:23Griffin McElroy?

  They keep coming back to try to return the burger boxes because they don't fucking understand.

• 42:29Travis McElroy?

  It's too nice.

• 42:31Griffin McElroy?

  They said it's too nice.

• 42:32Travis McElroy?

  You'll probably want to use this again.

• 42:34Griffin McElroy?

  I'm so sorry, my son stole one of the burger boxes instead of returning it.

• 42:38Travis McElroy?

  And from a comedy control standpoint, the box ensures the burger arrives to guests not smushed the way it left the kitchen. So what this, what this, Curtis has a vision here as a customer who's like, oh, man, it's not smushed. This can't be right. I better get the DoorDash guy back. Hey, man, this isn't smushed.

• 43:03Travis McElroy?

  This isn't right. I shit. It's too pretty, man. The bun.

• 43:06Griffin McElroy?

  We've made, we've made every box into a gator case with carved out foam that holds the burger perfectly. Every burger will cost a hundred and thirty dollars, um, but we think it's worth it for it to not be smooshed.

• 43:21Travis McElroy?

  Um, the bun in some feedback was described as quote, not fluffy enough and missing a golden glaze.

• 43:29Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. We want glazed buns with thick cream. Glazed buns and thick cream, please.

• 43:37Travis McElroy?

  Oh, and I guess while you're at it, the, um, uh, the bone was described as not fluffy enough and missing a golden glaze. Burger King worked with suppliers to address both of those checks. The better mayonnaise brings the package together. Let's hope not. They stuck with glue.

• 43:54Griffin McElroy?

  If it holds it together, you guys have way overcorrected on this thin mayo thing. It doesn't need to have sort of adhesive properties. I'm just, you know, don't let it dribble down every single time I take a bite.

• 44:06Travis McElroy?

  Curtis explains it took a phenomenal amount of testing to find the right bun. Burger King went to three major markets and rolled out elevated Whoppers without any fanfare. And then it conducted qualitative and quantitative work to understand people's thoughts. With one group, Burger King put the existing Whopper and upgraded one side by side. It then asked them to look at each, talk about them, to share observations and then taste and rate them.

• 44:34Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. Scientific.

• 44:37Travis McElroy?

  Griff, I'm gonna, uh, text you this next quote from Curtis because, uh, I think it's great. It's just like a little standalone.

• 44:43Griffin McElroy?

  Is it gonna make me sound like a sociopath as much as his other quotes have?

• 44:46Travis McElroy?

  Just like a normal guy, like a normal sort of Arthur Miller character.

• 44:49Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, cool. Here we go. Funny thing is, when you get a Whopper in a clamshell box that's got a nice little half wrap around it and you have a glazed bun, you're not going to believe this, but for some reason that makes the lettuce and the burger and the tomato taste better, Curtis says. You just feel like you're having an elevated experience, but it still has the nostalgia and the memory of what you love in a Whopper, which is how those ingredients blend. You're gonna take a bite of this Whopper and think, am I in the 1970s first class area of a jet? This must, must be what it's like. This is incredible.

• 45:25Travis McElroy?

  This is like, if, this is like if I'm magician, it's like. And here's the deal. Her legs are gonna be folded up underneath her. But you're so fucking stupid. I swear to God, when I opened this box, you are going to think she's splitting up. I'm surprised too, at how fucking dumb you are, but I swear it works this way.

• 45:45Griffin McElroy?

  This magic's gonna be a little nicer than the magic you're used to.

• 45:50Travis McElroy?

  This may be more of a Shelbyville magic trick.

• 45:54Travis McElroy?

  This has to make you, okay, sorry, I don't want to skip anything. The second thing Burger King did was enter a market and elevate the Whopper without telling anybody what's going on. Then it asked customers about the restaurant experience and how they rate the Whopper and compared those answers to prior surveys before the switch. As for if changes resonated, Curtis says absolutely. To be clear, he adds, if the results were close or customers didn't notice a difference, Burger King wouldn't have messed with it. The same is true if they came back and said, wow, that's a really big change. So they don't want it to change too much. They just want to be like, hmm.

• 46:26Travis McElroy?

  Hold on, hold on. So he just flat out said, if it was a huge improvement.

• 46:31Travis McElroy?

  Yes, it was a huge improvement.

• 46:32Travis McElroy?

  We wouldn't have done it.

• 46:33Travis McElroy?

  No.

• 46:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I, um, can you file a class action lawsuit if you are not among the people affected by the action? That we're doing the lawsuit about because.

• 46:46Travis McElroy?

  Griffin, I've wondered about this. If just by knowing about it, my life is worse. Yeah.

• 46:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. If I found out that the Burger King I was eating at was doing a secret test on me. To see if I would notice that the burger mayonnaise is so much thicker. And they came in a box that's nicer than the, uh, the idiot paper that I'm used to wrapping around my hamburgers. I would be so furious. I would never, ever, ever get over that. I would, I would never forgive the Burger King.

• 47:16Travis McElroy?

  You've just sat down at your local Burger King where you like to spend your free time. You're two bites into your Whopper and then just like a man in a suit sidles up the table and goes, hey. Pretty good, huh? I got some, uh, questions for you about that burger. I'm immediately thinking, I'm then poisoned. I'm gonna die. This is the end of my life.

• 47:35Travis McElroy?

  That I would know. He says, that has to make you a little bit nervous too, Curtis says. This is part of American culture and to an extent, some people want to be reminded of the experiences kids. I mean, you're at Burger King, pal. You need to calm down. Burger King is reserved for when you're at your friend's house and his parents are going through a drive through and they don't really know what's good. And then you end up with Burger King. That's a Burger King nostalgia. I don't believe Burger King's a second choice. And I think to say that this is a landmark part of the American experience, the way that your stinky burger tastes is a bit of a stretch.

• 48:08Griffin McElroy?

  So bitter, guys. What's going on in there? I've cooked food on fire before. It doesn't come out so bitter, so, so bitter, guys.

• 48:16Travis McElroy?

  It is my favorite thing about all of these like fast food, like burger places, especially press releases. Always assumes an amount of like people thinking about the food they're consuming from a fast food place. Like what so much is going through the customer's head as they eat this burger. Where what's going through my head is how quickly can I put what is essentially the fuel I need to not like starve? And like not be angry for the next four hours and get on.

• 48:47Griffin McElroy?

  I'm on my way to a doctor's appointment. I'm gonna be there in six minutes. Can I horse this down?

• 48:51Travis McElroy?

  I've never unwrapped a fast food burger and thought, time to really bask in the nostalgia of my childhood. Ah, this takes me back.

• 49:02Travis McElroy?

  Um, Curtis says he's read a lot in recent years about how the QSR category doesn't hear customers. This isn't known for listening. So he, if you remember the, at the BK, have it your way, you rule. That was because Curtis, uh, said he wants to put the brand in the hands of guests and listen to them and let them drive innovation. It should provide consumers with a sense of empowerment. Like, hey, I make the rules. I rule. I get to define what's gonna happen with the brand and I can see that they're listening. And me, I want a burger that's a little bit better, but not too much better or else I shit my fucking pants.

• 49:39Griffin McElroy?

  I'll freak the fuck out, man.

• 49:40Travis McElroy?

  Freak the fuck out and try to flip all the tables over like a big stupid gorilla.

• 49:45Griffin McElroy?

  Do you got, it just hit me.

• 49:48Travis McElroy?

  Your delicious burgers made me insane and I killed my wife. I blame you Burger King.

• 49:54Travis McElroy?

  Too good and different. We're 30 years out from the 90s period where it was like, hey, kids here at Chuck E. Cheese, you can have it your way. Here, you know, McDonald's Play Place, you can have it your way. So now all of those kids are now like in their 40s who are like, I'll tell you what everybody wants. Have it their way. Make their choices.

• 50:15Griffin McElroy?

  That's the cycle. That's the beautiful.

• 50:16Travis McElroy?

  The winning creator from that, that campaign took home a million dollars. And second place in that, that was the one with the maple bourbon burger.

• 50:24Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure.

• 50:25Travis McElroy?

  And the, the other two took home a few hundred thousand and a hundred thousand, respectively. Curtis says, we didn't invent them. Our guests invented them. And when you wake up every day and you have that kind of power, you have that kind of opportunity, then you want to be involved in something like that.

• 50:46Travis McElroy?

  Okay. So every day they're giving away a million dollars?

• 50:52Griffin McElroy?

  1.3 million, I think.

• 50:54Travis McElroy?

  Is he saying in this case that Burger King has that kind of power, that kind of opportunity? Or is he saying that he's envisioning a consumer that wakes up every day and be like, I got some big changes to make at Burger King today?

• 51:09Travis McElroy?

  I don't have a lot going my way now, but I do feel like I can pressure Burger King into thickening up that there mayo by a few, uh, few degrees.

• 51:23Travis McElroy?

  Is it possible? I, listen, my kids are staying with their grandma for an indeterminate period of time and work fell through, but I am going to get that fucking chicken parmesan sandwich back on the menu.

• 51:35Travis McElroy?

  This is what I'm saying. Maybe it's possible that we as consumers have not pushed have it your way far enough. Like if you walked in to the restaurant and you were like, you guy working the fryer, you're on the grill now. Grill lady, you're on you, I want you on the window. And they're like, okay, yeah, I mean, it's his way, I guess.

• 51:55Griffin McElroy?

  I'd like a chef's counter table, please. We don't do, I would like that. I would like a chef's counter table.

• 52:00Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 52:03Travis McElroy?

  So congratulations to Burger King on the the relaunch on February

• 52:09Griffin McElroy?

  Quality of life, a quality of life change, not really a raise.

• 52:14Travis McElroy?

  On February 17th, Curtis shared a phone number publicly so people could text or call and share their thoughts with Curtis himself responding. When asked how it's going so far, he responds, quote, "You cannot imagine."

• 52:36Griffin McElroy?

  Can you, you, you see a friend somewhere that you haven't seen in a while and you say, "How's it going?" And they respond, "You cannot imagine." There's no way, there's no way your brain reads the subtext of that as so good. Are you aware of the Sega Genesis character Sonic the Hedgehog? He, that man lives in my phone in a number of ways now that.

• 53:01Travis McElroy?

  They asked her how it's going and he just sat back in silence for 20 minutes like.

• 53:10Travis McElroy?

  And he doesn't want to lie because it's too true to him. Even with the corporate wall there, he can't be like, "It's been going great to hear." There's some deeper moral part of him that can't lie about what he's experienced.

• 53:22Griffin McElroy?

  The next, the next sentence of that presser is, "Don't, don't do what I did."

• 53:27Travis McElroy?

  He says, "I, I start to feel self-conscious when I'm answering text messages at 11 at night. Like if some guests are going, "No, I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't want to talk to you at night." I got, I gotta call this, we gotta call this guy. What do you guys call this guy? Trav, you want to call this guy?

• 53:44Griffin McElroy?

  No, we can't.

• 53:46Travis McElroy?

  Whatever. He says it's been evenly.

• 53:50Travis McElroy?

  He says it's been evenly split between praise and difficult conversations.

• 53:58Travis McElroy?

  I'll bet, I'll bet, pal, I'll bet.

• 54:03Travis McElroy?

  I'll bet.

• 54:04Griffin McElroy?

  There's a lot of different ways that a conversation can be difficult.

• 54:07Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, some of them, to be frank, are both, and those are perhaps the most troubling of all.

• 54:13Travis McElroy?

  I just wish if I could make one change, I would have stated that if you call or text me, it does need to be about Burger King. Uh huh. Because I've had some difficult conversations having nothing to do with the business or product we make. And those.

• 54:29Griffin McElroy?

  Oh. You don't understand. You don't understand.

• 54:33Travis McElroy?

  The brain level commitments will take time to develop.

• 54:35Griffin McElroy?

  I really love the Whopper.

• 54:37Travis McElroy?

  He said, I can't believe how much love I've heard for the original chicken sandwich in the last three days. He even reportedly received a marriage proposal in the opening round. None since Curtis jokes. I mean, is it?

• 54:50Travis McElroy?

  Cause he's married now.

• 54:52Travis McElroy?

  He's a pretty, pretty good. He's not a bad looking dude. It seems like he's pretty well set up. He's the president of fucking Burger King. Like I shoot your shot.

• 55:00Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, man.

• 55:00Travis McElroy?

  Give it a whirl. Send a selfie. See if he likes your tents, you know, try it. After a couple of weeks, he plans to set up dedicated office hours and invite other members of leaderships to do so as well.

• 55:12Travis McElroy?

  I bet he does. We're taking a rotation now, Doug.

• 55:16Griffin McElroy?

  I need help. Please set me free. It's like the, it's the cursed cave. Once you wander into his office, he runs out. He says, now you're stuck in here. Enjoy. Here's my phone.

• 55:25Travis McElroy?

  Listen, if you want me to come down to the Burger King Route 60 and give them a piece of my mind, cause the Burger King on Fifth Avenue got torn down to make room for sheets at a Starbucks. I will come down to their Route 60 Burger King. If you're having office hours and you're set up with like a little, you know, desk, you got the little nameplate and what all, I'll come down there and tell you what I think of your chicken sandwich.

• 55:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it's fine.

• 55:48Travis McElroy?

  It's fine.

• 55:49Griffin McElroy?

  Now, let's talk about your sooty beef.

• 55:52Travis McElroy?

  Cause it's my little brother can't handle your sooty beef. I've got him on FaceTime. Griffin, tell him what you were telling me about the beef.

• 56:00Griffin McElroy?

  It's so sooty and bitter, my friend.

• 56:03Travis McElroy?

  Did you hear him?

• 56:04Travis McElroy?

  Can I jump into just real quick?

• 56:06Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, hold on, I got him on call waiting.

• 56:07Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Chris, Chris, back up the fries. You had really crispy fries for a while and I love them.

• 56:12Griffin McElroy?

  For like a week, you guys were like, the fries rip ass now.

• 56:16Travis McElroy?

  And then after that. Stop doing it.

• 56:18Griffin McElroy?

  Limp dick fries? What's going on?

• 56:21Travis McElroy?

  Also, will you marry me?

• 56:24Griffin McElroy?

  Marry us all, please.

• 56:25Travis McElroy?

  Bye.

• 56:26Griffin McElroy?

  JK.

• 56:27Travis McElroy?

  Thanks for listening to our podcast. It's called My Brother, My Brother and Me. We've been doing it since, if you can believe this, 2010.

• 56:35Griffin McElroy?

  Hey, sorry that we're late this week.

• 56:36Travis McElroy?

  We're sorry that we're late this week.

• 56:38Griffin McElroy?

  We haven't been late with an episode in several years, I think.

• 56:42Travis McElroy?

  Pretty good.

• 56:42Griffin McElroy?

  So you're actually not allowed to be upset.

• 56:45Travis McElroy?

  Didn't want to do it.

• 56:45Griffin McElroy?

  Travis had flu, B. Travis, get this, Travis couldn't do it because he had the flu and then later we found out it was B type flu.

• 56:52Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I don't even know what that means.

• 56:55Griffin McElroy?

  Unless you're rocking with A, like.

• 56:57Travis McElroy?

  That's what it, don't waste my time. Hey, Griff, I heard you got a book coming out real soon. Is that right?

• 57:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it comes out, uh, next week on March 10th. Yeah, it's a choose your own adventure book from, from the line of choose your own adventure books. It's called The Stowaway. It's a outer space, uh, survival tale and, uh, it's written for middle grade readers or I would say readers even older than that would have a great adventure in space with me.

• 57:24Travis McElroy?

  Sounds like nonfiction. It's nonfictional?

• 57:27Griffin McElroy?

  It is purely fictional and bit.ly slash Griffin Stowaways where you can go to preorder that.

• 57:32Travis McElroy?

  Or Stowaway and Griffin.

• 57:35Griffin McElroy?

  No, I don't want people to go to that link.

• 57:37Travis McElroy?

  Inner space, my brother.

• 57:38Griffin McElroy?

  I don't know.

• 57:41Griffin McElroy?

  So anyway, if you preorder the book, it would be really helpful for me. It comes out next week and it's great. I'm really proud of it and I'm, I'm excited for people to read it.

• 57:48Travis McElroy?

  Best. We've also got new merch over at macro merch.com. We've got helping is always a free action t-shirt, uh, which is frankly, and listen, I love all of our stuff, but it's gorgeous. I want to highlight how pretty this thing is. Check it out. And make it stick enamel pins. Uh, go check those out. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels, whose services include educational programs, water drops in the deserts, day laborer outreach, familius reunitus, immigration bond fund program and shelter aid support in Tijuana to aid migrants and asylum seekers in need. So go check that out at macro merch.com.

• 58:27Griffin McElroy?

  Follow us on YouTube, or the McElroy Family on YouTube. We do a bunch of streams. We stream four days a week now, between the, between the three of us, uh, doing a lot of gaming stuff. Last Tuesday of every month, we're doing Clubhouse. Uh, it's a grand old time. You can follow also McElroy Entertainment System on Instagram to be informed. Whenever we're doing our, our gaming stream, or putting up videos, or anything, we're trying to do a bunch more stuff for y'all this year, and a lot of it's happening over there.

• 58:52Travis McElroy?

  Cause it's better than you deserve. It's better than you're used to. You're gonna turn on the stream and be like, whoa!

• 58:56Griffin McElroy?

  Better than you even will know how to fuck with.

• 58:58Travis McElroy?

  Is this all for me? Sheesh!

• 59:00Griffin McElroy?

  And now, maybe, Rachel, can you just like splice in when Travis, did it make a sa- oh, damn. Justin's right out with a water bottle flip, right into the fucking camera.

• 59:09Travis McElroy?

  Water bottle right at the camera.

• 59:11Griffin McElroy?

  Alright.

• 59:12Travis McElroy?

  My name's Justin McElroy.

• 59:13Travis McElroy?

  I'm Travis McElroy.

• 59:14Griffin McElroy?

  No, I'm sorry. I don't actually, I watched you throw that. That was a little flick. I think we do, if this is gonna be how it's gonna end this shit-

• 59:21Travis McElroy?

  No, you're right. It's fair. It's fair, you're right.

• 59:22Griffin McElroy?

  We do need to fucking hum it.

• 59:23Travis McElroy?

  That was just me being rude then. For the record, that was just rude.

• 59:25Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. You have a what you can throw?

• 59:27Travis McElroy?

  A top hat.

• 59:28Griffin McElroy?

  Show me. Why do you have that at arm's reach?

• 59:32Travis McElroy?

  In case I need it.

• 59:34Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, but, uh, are you, don't throw it frisbee style, throw it baseball style. Do you know what I mean? Don't odd job it, but-

• 59:41Travis McElroy?

  I was gonna odd job, it's not spherical, Griffin.

• 59:43Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I know, but I still-

• 59:44Travis McElroy?

  What if I can get it on the microphone?

• 59:47Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, if you can, okay, show me, show me how that, show me the fit first.

• 59:51Travis McElroy?

  If I can land it like this.

• 59:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. No, if you can land a ringer on the microphone Travis, that'll be an all-timer, dude.

• 59:57Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, but if you do that, like, if you could start, if you could join the Riverside Call with your phone-

• 1:00:01Griffin McElroy?

  Wait, okay, hold on, your chair bumped the microphone, dude. You fucked it up. You gotta move the chair, or else you won't get a clean seal. Good.

• 1:00:09Travis McElroy?

  Okay, here we go.

• 1:00:10Griffin McElroy?

  Alright, this is gonna be cool, dude. And, and I need to know that you're far from it, and you're not just like dropping it on it. I can see your shadow.

• 1:00:20Griffin McElroy?

  Huge fucking whiff. I did not even see the hat enter the frame. Just an enormous whiff. Did not even see the hat.

• 1:00:27Travis McElroy?

  Justin McElroy!

• 1:00:29Travis McElroy?

  I'm Travis McElroy.

• 1:00:30Griffin McElroy?

  I'm Griffin McElroy. I am, that is so disappointing.

• 1:00:33Travis McElroy?

  My brother, my brother, me kiss your dad square on the lips.

• 1:01:08Speaker 08

  Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.