My Husband Is Not Respectable (He Just Plays Video Games)

On today’s episode, we hear about: · A wife having difficulty respecting her husband · A woman wondering how to regain self-confidence after being called fat · A single mother struggling to cope with feelings of loneliness Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation Connect With Our Sponsors: · Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. · Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. · Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. · Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. · Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! · Explore Poncho Outdoors! · Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Struggling with my marriage, kinda your typical, I'm struggling to feel loved, he doesn't feel respected.

• 0:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna ask this in a rude way. Are you lovable?

• 0:14Speaker 00

  I think so. I like myself.

• 0:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, is he respectable?

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Uh, that's why I'm struggling.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us, talking about your mental, emotional health and your marriages and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I've had way, way, way too much coffee today, so I'm talking too fast. So if you're thinking, what is happening to my listening device? It's me, it's not your device. You may want to back it down to 1.5, 1.25, so we can have a regular conversation today. Alright, hey, um, if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. Let's roll out to the surface of the sun and talk to Lauren in Phoenix, Arizona. Hey Lauren, what's up?

• 1:15Speaker 00

  Uh, well, you are correct, Dr. John, it is the surface of the sun out here. It is hot. Um, I am excited to be talking to you today.

• 1:24Dr. John Delony?

  I am more excited to be talking to you. So what's up?

• 1:27Speaker 00

  Well, thank you. Uh, well, kinda struggling with my marriage, kinda your typical, um, you know, I'm struggling to feel loved, he doesn't feel respected, like, you know, kinda stuff. And so my question is, is...

• 1:40Dr. John Delony?

  Can I ask you a question at the very beginning? I've always wanted to do this.

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 1:46Dr. John Delony?

  Are, um, and I'm gonna ask this in a really like, uh, um, uh, in a rude way.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Okay, go ahead.

• 1:54Dr. John Delony?

  Um, are you lovable?

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Um, I, I think so. I like myself.

• 1:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  I've worked pretty hard to be someone I like.

• 2:03Dr. John Delony?

  Is he respectable?

• 2:05Speaker 00

  Uh, that's why I'm struggling.

• 2:09Dr. John Delony?

  Ta-da. Alright, so why is he, um, not respectable?

• 2:15Speaker 00

  Um, so...

• 2:19Dr. John Delony?

  Just, hey, you already called, so just cannonball sister, just, just jump off the top.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  I know, I know. Well, um, so he, he, to, to be fair, he struggles with depression and anxiety and some emotional disorders. Um.

• 2:33Dr. John Delony?

  Does he go, does he do the hard work to go, to go work on those things?

• 2:37Speaker 00

  Not, not, he says he's working on them, but like not re, like, I don't see that hard work that I would expect.

• 2:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:48Speaker 00

  Um, I'm trying to get him to go see somebody for therapy and, and work on some of this stuff. Um, but it's, it's hard to get somebody to go to therapy who doesn't want to go.

• 3:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Yeah, unfortunately.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  So give me some examples of, let's, let's take the diagnostics and put them aside. Has he, has he been clinically diagnosed before?

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Yes, he is clinically diagnosed.

• 3:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And he just doesn't want to do any of the, of the work to head into the light?

• 3:20Speaker 00

  Well, I don't know. That's what's so confusing sometimes is, is he says he does.

• 3:25Dr. John Delony?

  Behavior's a language. What's he doing?

• 3:28Speaker 00

  I know you say that all the time. Um, but he also has ADHD.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  I do too. It doesn't matter. I see a lot, I do a lot of work. Doesn't matter.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  That's part of the struggle.

• 3:38Dr. John Delony?

  I struggle with clinical anxiety. I struggle with clinical OCD. And I'm not better than anybody, but I do at least value myself and my family enough to do the work.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Yeah. And that's, and that's kind of my struggle is like, I'm like, I know, I know it's hard for you to focus. It's hard for you to remember, you know, um, but like these things need done. And then he'll just like forget. Like, that's a really big thing is he's always forgetting about, like, everything. And so I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders for the kids and the house, the responsibilities and all that. And, and so trying to get him to help me is, is a Herculean task. And, um.

• 4:16Dr. John Delony?

  When you, someone struggles mightily with ADHD, we don't do a very good job of talking about the other side of that coin. What is the one or two things that he lasers in on and can focus, like, in an unfathomable way?

• 4:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, he does, he does do that. So he hyper focuses on like woodworking or gardening.

• 4:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So for some reason woodworking and gardening.

• 4:46Dr. John Delony?

  Have become priority over wife, house, kids.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  Hundred percent.

• 4:52Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's not a matter, I don't want everything to get rolled off and blamed on diagnostics.

• 4:58Dr. John Delony?

  It wasn't until my wife told me, "I feel less loved when you are late all the time." That I finally got it.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:09Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 5:10Speaker 00

  Um, I, I have said things like that.

• 5:14Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, I know you have. I'm just, I want you to point out, it's not the diagnostic that's the problem here.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Fair.

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  That diagnostic is just the way a body responds to chaos. It's the way a body responds to stress.

• 5:28Dr. John Delony?

  So underneath all of that, I have to do the things to have a less chaotic and less stressful life. Those are choices I make. And they're hard.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:37Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth that. Your, your kids are worth that.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  And, and that's, that's why I'm having such a hard time is like, I, I want to, I want to improve my marriage. I don't want him to feel like I don't respect him. And so I'm like, how, how do I show him respect? When I'm struggling to find things that are respect worthy?

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  You, you can't. You can't make the sky purple, just blue.

• 6:02Dr. John Delony?

  And marriage unfortunately has to be built with two people.

• 6:07Dr. John Delony?

  And he is looking at you saying, "I'm not interested in building something new." "I'm interested in my tomatoes."

• 6:18Dr. John Delony?

  "And my peppers."

• 6:22Dr. John Delony?

  You've been working a long time on this, haven't you?

• 6:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, really long.

• 6:31Dr. John Delony?

  What is your or what moment?

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Uh, sorry, what, what do you mean? Can you explain a little more?

• 6:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Like you have to change or what?

• 6:43Dr. John Delony?

  Here's a good example in my house. It doesn't have to be divorce.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  One morning I wandered out to go to church and I was like 15 minutes late and my wife was gone. She drove herself.

• 7:00Dr. John Delony?

  And I was pretty embarrassed.

• 7:04Dr. John Delony?

  But her, or what moment was, I'm not gonna be late anymore because when I walk into an auditorium of people, I feel like everybody's looking at me, I feel uncomfortable. And I've told you that I feel less than when we show up places late. So I'm just gonna go. I can bother you about it. I'm gonna make peace with my reality, my choosing reality in my life. And choosing reality is my husband would rather get a workout in and sit there and eat breakfast and read his phone and read a book and whatever else. More than make sure that his wife feels safe. She drove herself.

• 7:42Dr. John Delony?

  And then I had a choice to make.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  That's kinda where like I'm at and I have, I have voiced that to him where I'm like, you know, here, here's what I need. Here's what's gotta happen.

• 7:56Dr. John Delony?

  And he has looked at you with his actions and said, I don't care.

• 8:01Dr. John Delony?

  So now the move, it's, it's your chess move. What's your move?

• 8:07Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 8:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, if you're gonna stay in the marriage, then you have to decide. Then I've gotta come up with a system for managing the house. And I've gotta come up with a system for managing these kids.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  That's you just choosing reality.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  And what if my systems to manage it all make him upset?

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  Um, then he gets to make a grown up choice. You can participate or you're welcome to leave.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Okay, fair.

• 8:45Dr. John Delony?

  We have an obsession with fidelity being about intercourse with other people. Fidelity is way bigger than that.

• 8:53Dr. John Delony?

  Fidelity is like, you can cheat on your, on your spouse with work or the golf course or with alcohol or with fishing. I mean, you could cheat on your spouse with, um, I am going to just simply be a leech on this relationship, a parasite. It will be all about me.

• 9:16Dr. John Delony?

  And when anything in my little ecosystem gets disrupted, I'm gonna cause a scene.

• 9:22Dr. John Delony?

  That's not being a person of fidelity.

• 9:27Dr. John Delony?

  And so, and, and your husband's cashed out.

• 9:34Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:35Dr. John Delony?

  And then how dare you, hey, blame you for having to make, make new systems to keep the house afloat?

• 9:46Dr. John Delony?

  And for whatever it's worth, I remember, I'll remember till the day I die, a conversation in my backyard with my wife in central Texas, when I said, "I feel like you have built an entire life that doesn't include me." And her response was, "John, I had to." You're too anxious. You're not doing anything about it. Everything's chaotic. Everything is spun up. You don't sleep. You wander on the neighborhood. You wander on the house. And she was right.

• 10:25Dr. John Delony?

  And that started a slow, painful journey back into, "Why am, um, why is my body responding like this?"

• 10:42Dr. John Delony?

  I'm throwing a lot at you. Talk to me.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  Um, well, a lot of what you said is, like, some similar conversations that my husband and I have had, where, you know, he's like, he just doesn't feel a part of our family. And I'm like, you know, I want you to be like, and I'll invite him to like, come be with me and the kids and come do things with me and the kids, but he, he doesn't necessarily want to, or, you know, he, he just wants to have the option to not necessarily come. He doesn't want to be expected to be there and...

• 11:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's cowardice, yeah. That's cowardice. I'm sorry.

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I, well, that's, that's part of the problem is, is I want, I want to respect my husband, like, I really do. Like, I've always, I want that, obviously. But it's just like, he keeps doing behaviors that are like, how do I respect that?

• 11:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, so, uh, uh, the last ditch, if I were you, I would hand him a, here's what respect looks like for me.

• 11:44Dr. John Delony?

  Give him a map. And that might feel elementary, but here's where we are.

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  In counseling, we call it the one up and the one down position. You can lead a house from the one up position. That's usually, not always, I know women who are like this, but it's often men who beat their chest and yell and scream to get their way. That's the one up.

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  And they kind of just bully their way through the world. But you can also bully your way through the world from the one down position.

• 12:15Dr. John Delony?

  You may have people in your life that's like, "Oh, well, okay. Well, I guess I just won't eat then. Then y'all just go ahead. You know what? I'll just stay here since there's no room in the car." And you're like, "Shut up." Right? That is, "I'm gonna get what I want. I'm just gonna kind of just be drippy about it." Yeah. Both of those are bully tactics to get what you want without having to co-operate and co-manage and be vulnerable and love and create something with somebody else. It's a selfish way of living.

• 12:45Dr. John Delony?

  Somebody who wants to be invited so they can tell you, "I don't want to go." Good God, dude.

• 12:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Yeah. And also, maybe, maybe we've just are surfacing a generation of men who are having kids and are finding themselves 10 years in, they had no model growing up.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  And they think respect is about feelings, not about action. So cool. Here's a map. Here's what respect looks like. A guy that gets up and goes for a walk. A guy who gets up and exercises. A guy who gets up and makes the bed. Respect looks like a guy who's got a full-time job.

• 13:30Dr. John Delony?

  Respect is a guy who, if you hurt your back, if you have ankle injuries or you have anxiety and ADHD and depression, you go do what you need to do to become well and whole. That's the job.

• 13:43Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, respect isn't like David Goggins like, "Crush it and kill it." Yesterday, I hurt myself. I hurt myself lifting. Hurt my back. And my wife said this morning, "Please do all of us a favor and don't go in there and try to..." And I said, "I know, I got it." Because respect looks like actually backing off my workout today. I worked out less, right? You see what I'm saying? But it's about doing the thing that's gonna keep you whole.

• 14:08Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:09Dr. John Delony?

  Respect looks like, "I need your help with the kids." Respect looks like, "On Monday nights, we eat at home. On Tuesday nights, we go out." We're just gonna be clear for a little while.

• 14:19Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what you gotta be willing to, or ready for. He might look at you and just say, "No, I'm not doing any of this."

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. And it'll, it'll probably make him feel really bad to do that, but I think, I think that's a good idea.

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  I think, I think he's, his whole life is, is being led around the nose by his feelings.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:45Dr. John Delony?

  And his feelings aren't telling him the truth, and his little feelings are about to cost him everything.

• 14:52Dr. John Delony?

  He can say what he wants, but he's gotta, he's gotta, he's gotta act. And by the way, that applies to you too. You can sit there and have conversation after conversation about, "I'm not going to, and I'm not going to." But your behavior's a language too, and what you keep telling him is, "Yeah, actually, I am."

• 15:07Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm gonna, I'm gonna talk a big game, but I'm not gonna actually do anything different." And your behavior's a language too.

• 15:15Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, in all of this, and I know you know this, I don't wanna kick you while you're down, but your kids are just absorbing. That's what men look like. That's what husbands look like. This is what marriage looks like.

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  And they deserve a different picture also.

• 15:31Dr. John Delony?

  But I'd give him a roadmap. I'd give him some really clear in writing, "Here's what respect looks like." "Your move, chief."

• 15:38Dr. John Delony?

  Just be prepared for him to make a move that doesn't really serve anybody.

• 15:44Dr. John Delony?

  But we'll keep our fingers crossed. Maybe he'll step up. We'll be right back.

• 15:50Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:16Dr. John Delony?

  That's joindelete.me/deloney.

• 17:21Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to Philadelphia where we were born and raised, playgrounds where Kelly spent most of her days. You're not a basketball player though, are you? That was a funny joke, I was just being funny.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  No, I'm not.

• 17:31Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 17:32Speaker 02

  I did used to like to go to the playground when I was little, you know.

• 17:35Dr. John Delony?

  In Philly? You got one little fight and your mom got mad?

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Sent me to live with my aunt and uncle in Bel Air, which I don't have.

• 17:42Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go to Emily. What's up, Emily?

• 17:44Speaker 03

  Hey, how's it going? Happy to be here.

• 17:46Dr. John Delony?

  We're doing great. Thanks for, thanks for calling in. So what's going on in your world?

• 17:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, so thanks again. Um, so yeah, I've just been processing this, what happened to me like a couple of months ago, and for some reason it's still on my mind, so I hope you guys can like, hear me out and give me some thoughtful advice, but basically like, I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with some hurtful comments from my boyfriend's inner circle, um, as it pertains to like my self-confidence and self-imagination, how do I move past that?

• 18:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, what happened?

• 18:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I can just provide some context. So, um, we've been going together pretty quickly. So like we got together three years ago and we're living together now and everything up until this point has been really great, but, um.

• 18:26Dr. John Delony?

  That is so not quickly, Emily. That's forever.

• 18:29Speaker 03

  No, really?

• 18:30Dr. John Delony?

  Three years?

• 18:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, it feels like it's been so quick.

• 18:33Dr. John Delony?

  What's he waiting for?

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Trust me, I don't even know. And I think this situation might have something to do with it. I'm not really sure. So, yeah, I'm not really sure. So like, um, he had this like really tight inner circle before we started moving in together. Um, and then once we moved in, they kind of just like dropped off. They don't really come by as much anymore. And I had asked him about it just because it has obviously been on my mind, hey, why aren't your friends come by? Like your family doesn't come by that much, et cetera. And, um, I had to really grill it out with him, but he said that, um, they made jokes about how I look and basically like my parents and I think it made them uncomfortable. And so that's drawn like a wedge between their relationship. Um, and so

• 19:17Speaker 03

  some of this stuff that they said, I mean, they come from like his father and his friend he's had for like 13 years. And it's all about my weight. Like the first thing his dad said, and this is what stuck to me was, um, when I guess my partner showed him pictures of me was like, oh, I didn't know you were into fat girls. And then his, yeah. And then his friend would say stuff like, um, she definitely got an extra push in for the cushion. Like I didn't realize this was the type of person you're into. Um, and he's been like withholding that information. Like I literally had to pry it out of him because up until this point, like no one has come by. And I think he's just trying to like protect himself and protect me, but, um.

• 19:58Dr. John Delony?

  Can I reframe this for you?

• 19:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:00Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I don't, I don't think that every idiotic thing that his dad says, or every idiotic thing that his buddies say, um, needs to just be on a pipeline right to you.

• 20:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:16Dr. John Delony?

  I do like that he drew some pretty firm boundaries and said, I choose her. And if y'all are gonna be disrespectful, then y'all are out. And so I want you to reframe this. I get that, man, that changes everything for you.

• 20:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 20:31Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and, but I want you to.

• 20:36Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say it this way. The, the perfect world that you wanted, which is he's gonna keep his inner circle of friends. I'm gonna become, we're gonna be one big happy friend family. And then I'm gonna be really close to his parents and it's gonna be this beautiful picture. That picture's over. But I want you to see the other side of it, which is he chose you. He chose you.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  I feel like really bad though and like really guilty. Like I've been extra like it.

• 21:04Dr. John Delony?

  Why would you take that on? He hasn't put that on you. You're, you're, you, you, you went into his backpack. There was nothing in there. So you went in the backyard and you put bricks in your own backpack. Why would you do that?

• 21:16Speaker 03

  Well.

• 21:17Dr. John Delony?

  Those guys suck. They're not good men.

• 21:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:21Dr. John Delony?

  They disparaged him in front of his face. They disparaged the woman that he is probably gonna spend the rest of his life with. And he said, I'm out.

• 21:30Speaker 03

  Do I have a reason to like question who he was when I wasn't in the picture? Or should I just say this is like a sign of a good man?

• 21:37Dr. John Delony?

  You can say whatever you want. I know I'm a radically different guy than I was.

• 21:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:43Dr. John Delony?

  And I know, I, I think I've told this on the show, but I, I, I had a list that I made when I was 18 years old. At the very wrong-headed advice of a mentor. And it was the 10 things that would be non-negotiables for the person I spend the rest of my life with. I'm coming on 26 years with the same person, including marriage and dating. She had two of the 10. And one of them was be a pretty woman. Like she had one, uh, one characteristic.

• 22:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:17Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, um, no. I mean, I mean, I, I would hope he would change. I would hope that he has a really like firm belief about this, a political thing. And then he meets somebody who shows him a different side, a different way to interpret, a different way to see something, and he changes his mind. And so maybe he was an, a knuckle-headed man and said, beauty is only in this category, only looks like this. And then he met somebody else. And he was like, oh my gosh, I was wrong. Beauty is way different than I had pegged it. Maybe.

• 22:55Speaker 03

  I told him I wasn't like upset about, because I know he felt awkward to say it.

• 23:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 03

  And I was like, oh, I'm not upset. I'm not triggered. Like, it's their opinion. It doesn't matter. But like internally, right? Like, it's like I've worked so hard to get past these thoughts of feeling like, oh, I'm not worthy because of my size. And, and it's just like those comments brought me right back to where I started. And I don't want to let him, you know, like, I don't want to let him know that I'm like upset. But it's like, it's, they're ruminating in my head, you know?

• 23:25Dr. John Delony?

  So flip it around. You, when you, you're frustrated at him for quote unquote, keeping this from, from you.

• 23:32Speaker 03

  A little bit, but I don't think why he did.

• 23:35Dr. John Delony?

  Same thing back to him. Don't do that.

• 23:38Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 23:39Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's the deal. He can feel your tension.

• 23:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:43Dr. John Delony?

  He can feel you look over his shoulder to see who's texting, to see if it's his dad, or if it's this other long-term buddy of his.

• 23:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:51Dr. John Delony?

  He can feel you when you're, when you're like, hey, what are you doing this weekend? He's like, no, I'm just gonna hang out with you. And you're like, oh, man. He can feel it. And you know what he's gonna do? He's gonna blame himself.

• 23:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:59Dr. John Delony?

  Don't do that.

• 24:02Speaker 03

  And it's like, I, I don't know if they know that I know. So it's like, when I see them, there's this like, unspoken tension, you know? And I don't know how to get past that either.

• 24:11Dr. John Delony?

  You go right through it.

• 24:14Dr. John Delony?

  You go right through it.

• 24:16Speaker 03

  I don't bring it up that I know.

• 24:17Dr. John Delony?

  Do what?

• 24:19Speaker 03

  I don't bring it up that I know. I just try to stay strong and not let it get to me.

• 24:23Dr. John Delony?

  Why? Why? That's, that's a facade. It got to you.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:27Dr. John Delony?

  Don't be a person who lacks integrity. And, and integrity, the, the root is integer. It means whole. Don't become part of yourself around other people.

• 24:37Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 24:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe that, and for some people, like for me, that's making a joke. I had bad acne in high school, and so I would make a joke when people, when I hear people were making fun of me.

• 24:48Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:48Dr. John Delony?

  Where were you last night? I was like, well, my, my zits were too crazy. And they would kind of go, oh, gosh, right? That's the way I would handle it. Some people say, I just don't want to be around you. Some people say...

• 25:01Dr. John Delony?

  Probably it was their weird awkward way of trying to connect with him and say something funny that was kinda mean but kinda funny and it didn't work.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean, like, like, I remember a buddy of mine got like a really, really nice car and several of us stood out around the car and we just, like, man, I, I never would have bought that car. That's embarrassing for you, but good, good for you, man. Like, and it was just, it was us being awkward and us being, trying to be funny and it wasn't.

• 25:34Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:35Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? And I know a human's not a car and I know, I know the sensitivities and the jo- I get that.

• 25:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, I have like, I'm overthinking too, cause now it's like, as soon as he said that, like, maybe this is just me ruminating, but like, the pictures on the social media, like, he doesn't post them anymore. Like, it's, I feel like I'm not crazy, but I feel like something changed and I don't know what it is. Like, it's like, since they said that, it's like, I feel like he might not be, like, wanting to show me off. I feel like those comments maybe also be getting to him. And I'm trying to avoid that. Like, really, I'm trying not to, you know?

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm gonna tell you, avoidance is gonna, is gonna melt this relationship from the inside out.

• 26:17Speaker 03

  But what do I, like, I don't know if I, like, bring it up and say, hey, these actually do bother me. I'm still thinking about it, like, a couple weeks later, it's not going away and...

• 26:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. Yes. You sit down with him and say, hey, you know, I love you. You know you're my guy and I've been keeping a secret from you. In all of this conversation, you used the word "I" because just on its merits, I think what he did was pretty, pretty dang noble. He picked you.

• 26:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:47Dr. John Delony?

  And I think you saying, for some reason, "I feel, have guilt in my soul that you don't have these relationships anymore or they've gotten real thin and you chose me and I'm really grateful that you chose me, but how's your, that was your guy, that was your dad and I spun back out." But here's the thing, can I ask you a real hard question? It's gonna get me a lot of mean stuff on the internet.

• 27:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. No, um, not really.

• 27:18Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no. Can I ask you a question?

• 27:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:24Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about what they said that has hit home with you? Take him out of the picture. Have you wrestled with your weight your whole life?

• 27:31Speaker 03

  My whole life.

• 27:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Because a lot of times, the thing that we're the most self-conscious of, the thing that we have gone to war with our whole life, we wear a pair of glasses. And that's all we see in the world. And that's all we go looking for.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  So when somebody makes one comment, one joke, we were waiting for it because it justifies our belief in ourself.

• 27:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:01Speaker 03

  Like the unworthiness.

• 28:02Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. And so you don't believe you're worthy of even being in this relationship, of having a guy that's going to dedicate three years to you, of being married to anybody.

• 28:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  And so you go through every second of every minute of every day looking for somebody to say a thing that justifies the way you feel about yourself.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that's spot on. How do I stop that?

• 28:27Dr. John Delony?

  You have to decide, because you're looking for external validation.

• 28:31Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  And you're looking for external critique. You have to decide from inside out. And can I tell you something that is very not PC and very not cool to say?

• 28:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:41Dr. John Delony?

  You have to get to the bottom of why you don't love yourself.

• 28:45Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to get to the bottom of if your weight is something, your health is something you want to deal with, why has it been so hard to deal with?

• 28:55Speaker 03

  Like, this just brings me back to like, my mom like would criticize me and say, "You don't need to eat that."

• 29:02Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 29:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so you have...

• 29:07Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the way I heard the great Terry Real give some wisdom to a client one time, and I'll pass it along to you.

• 29:15Dr. John Delony?

  You have a picture of your mom?

• 29:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to take a small picture of your mom. I want you to print it out or put it right there on your phone.

• 29:24Dr. John Delony?

  And every time you're about to go out with your boyfriend and you're standing in front of the mirror and you just want to disappear because you don't like how you look, I want you to pull that picture out and I want you to look at it and I want you to talk directly to your mom. I want you to say, "Hey, Mom, I'm about to have less fun with a man who says he loves me because I'm going to choose to believe you and the hate you spewed my whole childhood over him. Thanks, Mom. I choose you today." And you're going to feel ridiculous when you do that, but at some point, you're going to have to say out loud, "What Mom said to me and did was wrong and it hurt and I refuse

• 30:08Dr. John Delony?

  to carry that into future relationships."

• 30:14Speaker 00

  That's going to be, that's really hard.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  I know it is because it protects you. It protects you. That anger and that rage and those pair of glasses, "Who's about to hurt me? Who's about to hurt me?" Because the one woman that was supposed to love all of you didn't. And by the way, she probably was trying. She just did it the wrong way.

• 30:36Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 30:38Speaker 00

  I'm 30.

• 30:39Dr. John Delony?

  Hey.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  Too old for this.

• 30:41Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This stuff, I've talked to 70-year-olds who are still struggling with body dysmorphia. It's not.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 30:47Dr. John Delony?

  But listen.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  It doesn't go away.

• 30:49Dr. John Delony?

  No, you got to go through it, sister, but listen to me. In the late 90s, like, skinny was healthy. That was, that was what everyone was told.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:05Dr. John Delony?

  And the only way to be seen as loved back in the late 90s was to be thin. That's what we were all told. And so, in a weird, awkward, not healthy way, your mom probably tried.

• 31:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  And she hurt you.

• 31:22Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe she was evil, maybe, I don't know. But all I'm telling you now is at 30, still carrying all this around, still letting her speak into your life, still letting some, one of your boyfriend's old bros speak into the woman who's looking in the mirror? I was gonna tell you, man, set that crap down. They don't get a vote.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:46Dr. John Delony?

  And if you are not happy with your, with your aesthetic, if you underneath the aesthetic are not happy with your health, if you truly have challenges with your weight, then I want you to say, I am worth getting to the bottom of these challenges. And not just scrolling Instagram and not just finding online diets, but actually get some help and care. Both of those things are true.

• 32:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm, you're so right. I, it, and it's crazy because I do feel like I have grown a lot since, you know, my childhood being bullied and stuff, but like those comments just brought me right back to where I started.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  That's exactly right. That's exactly right.

• 32:31Speaker 03

  Does that ever stop?

• 32:33Dr. John Delony?

  When you, when you decide.

• 32:36Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what's crazy. Okay, I'm gonna take some, I'm gonna take, give you a, um, a scenario that's way outside of what's happening here, just so you can experience it, okay?

• 32:47Dr. John Delony?

  The worst thing that can happen to a parent in the world is them to, is for a parent to lose a child, right? It's not the way it's supposed to be. Children are supposed to bury their parents, it's not the other way around.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  A very common thing that happens is especially in a, well, in any situation, is what I call a lightning bolt will pop into the mind of a parent after the funeral of their child in a casket, of their child in a funeral home.

• 33:16Dr. John Delony?

  And that's their body's way of trying to keep the parents safe moving forward. To remember the worst thing that ever happened so that we can all stay safe. It's built into us. But when that lightning bolt comes into a parent's head, when that picture snaps into their head, they are faced with an instantaneous choice. Do I want to meditate on the worst moment of my life? Or do I want to immediately say nope? And switch to a photo in my head, a movie that's gonna play in my mind that I have ready to rock and roll? Of my kid driving his big wheel around and us laughing? Or like the other night when my daughter was trying to figure out how high she could pull my eyelids up

• 34:01Dr. John Delony?

  and we were laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I get to pick which one of those, which one of those things I meditate on. And so you, are you overweight?

• 34:13Speaker 03

  Um, like not really.

• 34:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 34:16Speaker 03

  But kind of, like my BMI is, but like I lift, like I'm, I'm a weightlifter.

• 34:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, my BMI is all jacked up too and I'm just got, that guy had to turn the stress test off on me the other day. He's like, you just got the highest stress test in my office ever. Now, my doctor worked mostly with geriatrics, so I cheated, but you know what I mean? So here's the deal. You know the truth.

• 34:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:36Dr. John Delony?

  But as Brene Brown says, if you go looking for places in the world where you don't belong, 100% you're gonna find them.

• 34:42Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 34:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I'm gonna ask you, turn the radar off. Turn it off.

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:49Dr. John Delony?

  It's not serving you anymore.

• 34:53Dr. John Delony?

  And when somebody makes a comment, when you feel like this shirt's too big, I mean too small, I don't look good in these shorts anymore. I just saw my boyfriend and he saw me in short shorts and he glanced away real fast. It must be because, fill in the blank, whatever story you're gonna make up. You have a choice in that moment.

• 35:13Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 35:14Dr. John Delony?

  Am I gonna meditate on, I've always been gross, I'm, I look at this, look at my butt, look at my cellulite, look, I'm just trying to come up with the most egregious stuff, right? I'm gonna just go down that rabbit hole or I'm gonna instantly insert that photo in my mind the first time I turned a corner and I caught him looking at me and he couldn't breathe.

• 35:34Dr. John Delony?

  And you know you've had those moments too.

• 35:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 35:40Speaker 03

  I, yeah.

• 35:41Dr. John Delony?

  You get to pick what you meditate on.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 35:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And if somebody says something that is crude and disgusting and disturbing, and he just blows by it, that's probably not the guy for you.

• 35:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  If a man is willing to cut ties with a 13-year friendship because you're not gonna talk about my future wife that way,

• 36:07Dr. John Delony?

  that's a guy I'm probably gonna, probably gonna consider building a house with.

• 36:11Speaker 03

  Really?

• 36:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 36:13Speaker 03

  So his response was good, it's just not nice comments all around that I'm just meditating on?

• 36:21Dr. John Delony?

  I think you're looking for a reason to end this relationship because, um, you want to be justified in your discomfort and the vulnerability of moving forward and making a relationship with somebody that you can't believe loves you more than you love yourself.

• 36:36Speaker 03

  Right, that's exactly it, you're getting me to cry.

• 36:38Dr. John Delony?

  Then stop!

• 36:40Speaker 03

  That's exactly it, like, it's like I don't feel like I deserve someone like that.

• 36:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 36:46Dr. John Delony?

  I think you do.

• 36:49Dr. John Delony?

  You a good person, Emily?

• 36:51Speaker 03

  I think so.

• 36:52Dr. John Delony?

  Nope. Are you a good person?

• 36:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I care a lot about things, I care really deeply, you know, that's why I'm so upset, yeah.

• 36:59Dr. John Delony?

  Do you tip well?

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, I was a server my whole life.

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Whenever, um, you're walking out of your office building and you see the custodian, are you kind to them?

• 37:08Speaker 03

  Oh my gosh, yeah.

• 37:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 37:11Dr. John Delony?

  You treat your boyfriend really well?

• 37:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's like my best friend.

• 37:16Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's just weird, but do you love him?

• 37:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, do you love well?

• 37:22Speaker 03

  I think so, I mean, sometimes I fight, but...

• 37:24Dr. John Delony?

  Well, we all do.

• 37:27Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to honor Emily as much as you honor the custodian as you walk out the building.

• 37:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to love Emily as much as you love the people that work for you in your office building.

• 37:41Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:43Dr. John Delony?

  And this means you're gonna have to start a new relationship with Emily that is based not on... The stories we're told as kids

• 37:54Dr. John Delony?

  start to become our experiences and over time they become the stories we tell ourselves. We just tell them in our own voice. So mom says, "Hey honey, quit eating that." "Hey honey, go change that shirt, it's too tight. You want that boy to think you're cute, right?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." That becomes the voice that you tell yourself the stories in.

• 38:15Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  And that sucks, but here's what's awesome about it. You get to tell yourself new stories if you want to.

• 38:22Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:23Dr. John Delony?

  And it's scary.

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:26Dr. John Delony?

  Can I ask you a real, honest question?

• 38:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:29Dr. John Delony?

  Are you beautiful?

• 38:30Speaker 03

  No, I don't think so.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  I think sometimes, like...

• 38:41Dr. John Delony?

  Emily, do you think you're beautiful?

• 38:45Speaker 03

  Um, yeah, I'll say yeah.

• 38:48Dr. John Delony?

  Well, don't say it just for me.

• 38:51Dr. John Delony?

  Does he think you're beautiful?

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  But I don't think myself, like, I don't feel that way about myself. Like, there's a lot I feel like I could be doing better.

• 39:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to explore that and probably need to go talk to somebody. And for whatever it's worth, I've struggled with body image my entire life and I talked to a couple of different people right now. Okay? It's tough, it'll haunt you.

• 39:14Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to care for Emily as much as you care for everybody else. Because at the end of the day, you can't get what you don't have.

• 39:24Dr. John Delony?

  And your cup's pretty empty.

• 39:27Dr. John Delony?

  And you're just running around your life exhausted, looking for reasons why the cup is empty. And they can't fill it up from the outside. It'll never get filled up from the outside.

• 39:37Dr. John Delony?

  And in a weird way, it shouldn't be able to be drained from the outside either.

• 39:44Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write 35-year-old Emily a letter tonight, all by yourself.

• 39:51Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to start the letter with, "Dear beautiful,

• 39:55Dr. John Delony?

  here's the things I started to do when I was 30, the work I started to do to fall in love with Emily for the first time,

• 40:05Dr. John Delony?

  so that

• 40:08Dr. John Delony?

  we could give and accept an anchor into love that was bigger than us.

• 40:15Dr. John Delony?

  If you don't hear anything else, Emily, you're worth being loved, and you're worth being loved really, really well. And don't keep secrets. Sit down with your boyfriend, tell him that you're hurting. Tell him that the whole thing feels weird.

• 40:29Dr. John Delony?

  And then believe him if he says, "Hey, I chose you."

• 40:33Dr. John Delony?

  Because I want you to choose you to. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 40:39Dr. John Delony?

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• 41:24Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you're struggling with anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, Hallow offers mental health meditations and prayers that I have personally found useful. From healing emotional wounds to establishing healthy habits, these guided prayers and meditations give you words of comfort and longing when you're all out of things to say. If you're ready to find some peace in all of this chaos and some purpose in your day, check out Hallow. Right now, when you sign up at hallow.com/Deloney, you get three months for free. Go to Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, dot com slash Deloney for three months for free.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, let's go out to Santa Fe, New Mexico, one of my favorite places in the United States and talk to Kaylee. Hey Kaylee, what's up?

• 42:08Speaker 04

  Hey, how are you?

• 42:08Dr. John Delony?

  I'm great. What's going on in your world?

• 42:12Speaker 04

  Well, my question that I wrote in is how can I overcome my overwhelming loneliness as a single mom of two to be more present and engaged as a parent?

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  Ugh. Tell me about it. That's so hard, it's so hard, my goodness, so hard. Tell me about it.

• 42:31Speaker 04

  It's really hard. Sorry.

• 42:33Dr. John Delony?

  No, don't be sorry. Tell me about it.

• 42:36Speaker 04

  I feel really bad for even saying that because my kids are my world, but I'm so lonely all the time and I was so overwhelmed with just the noise and the chaos of two kids who are eight and under. And I've tried breathing, I've tried meditating, I work out every day. It's, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm kind of at a loss.

• 43:02Dr. John Delony?

  Those are Band-Aids over bullet holes, right?

• 43:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  So tell me about this lonely. When did dad leave?

• 43:13Speaker 04

  My dad died three years ago, but he was pretty bad with alcohol as a kid. And I went through a lot of stuff with him and I didn't really get an apology or anything like that. And he was a good guy outside of that, but it really affected me and my family doesn't allow me to speak that. They're like, no, he was a good guy. Like, just brush over it. And, uh, yeah, I don't know.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  What about your kid's father?

• 43:46Speaker 04

  Um, that was a really bad situation.

• 43:49Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 43:50Speaker 04

  After my dad died, he got worse. He didn't hit me, but he did other things. And it got to the point where I was sleeping with my pistol next to my bed and a knife under my pillow because I didn't know what was gonna happen.

• 44:07Speaker 04

  And all anybody could tell me was, you have to keep it together for the kids. You have to make it work. You have to figure it out. And then when I did decide I was gonna leave, it was pretty much on me to figure out where I was going, what I was doing, how I was gonna do it.

• 44:25Dr. John Delony?

  Where's mom?

• 44:29Speaker 04

  She's around, but not really.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  She's a theater director, right? She, uh, she manages the image.

• 44:38Speaker 04

  More like a dictator.

• 44:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, she manages the, all the appearance of everything?

• 44:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so I want to...

• 44:47Speaker 04

  Instead of being...

• 44:49Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead.

• 44:51Speaker 04

  Instead of being like the helpful person I need, she's always criticizing. Like even now, it's just criticism. You could be doing this, you could be doing that.

• 45:02Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man.

• 45:09Dr. John Delony?

  You have any girlfriends? You have any friends?

• 45:12Speaker 04

  I have one pretty good friend. She knows a lot about what's going on in my life. And I try not to stress her out because she's got a lot going on in her life too. But sometimes we'll get together and just swap stories and...

• 45:32Dr. John Delony?

  So there's only one way forward for you and it's not going to be pleasant, okay? And here's why it's not going to be pleasant.

• 45:39Dr. John Delony?

  Because you've been burned at every single stage of your life.

• 45:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's really hard for me to trust people.

• 45:49Dr. John Delony?

  I know, you've been lonely your whole life. And lonely is not just this existential thing you think about. Loneliness is in your nervous system. Your body has known it's on its own for your entire life.

• 46:08Dr. John Delony?

  And how that plays out is you have a friend who would probably love more than anything in the world, especially as she's going through her challenges, have a purpose and to be able to give somebody else some peace. And you won't even let her do that because you think you're a burden.

• 46:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so when I tell you what comes next for you is going to be really uncomfortable, it's going to be because you have to say out loud to other people, "I need help and I want you to come over and have nachos with me."

• 46:48Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  And I know that sentiment has got you hurt in the past.

• 46:55Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't want you to have any relationship with anybody who told you to stay with a man that you had to have weapons on you so you could sleep at night.

• 47:06Dr. John Delony?

  Those people have opted out of your life. They're insane.

• 47:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 47:13Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 47:14Dr. John Delony?

  For whoever these people were, they preferred to keep their picture stable over you being safe.

• 47:24Dr. John Delony?

  There's a period at the end of that sentence.

• 47:31Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 47:31Dr. John Delony?

  But loneliness can't-

• 47:32Speaker 04

  And to be fair, I didn't explain like the severity of everything because I wasn't really allowed to. It was, it's your marriage between you and him, figure it out.

• 47:42Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know.

• 47:42Speaker 04

  And that's part of the other problem.

• 47:44Dr. John Delony?

  I know. And you also grew up in a home where if you actually spoke your needs out loud, it cost you something, right?

• 47:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 47:53Speaker 04

  It cost me a lot all the time.

• 47:54Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. So loneliness is healed not by being surrounded by people. I have been dreadfully lonely in a crowded room before.

• 48:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:05Dr. John Delony?

  I've been lonely surrounded by my kids before. You're not crazy, okay, Kaylee? You're a good mom.

• 48:10Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 48:12Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 48:13Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, their job isn't to prop you up. They can't be your whole world. You know why? They can't carry that. It's too heavy. They're kids.

• 48:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I try to not put it on them.

• 48:25Dr. John Delony?

  I know you do.

• 48:25Speaker 04

  I really do.

• 48:26Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know. But you can't try to not put it on them. You have to intentionally take it off. Meaning-

• 48:34Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 48:34Dr. John Delony?

  The greatest thing you can do for your kids is have Monday nights where your friend comes over and y'all bring whatever craps left in your fridge and y'all eat it together.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  And the kids know moms haven't grown up time. Y'all are on your own. Go play.

• 48:52Dr. John Delony?

  That is a great gift to your kids because they get to exhale because they're not responsible for mom's joy and happiness.

• 49:00Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, another adult's picking that up.

• 49:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:04Dr. John Delony?

  And then they feel your shoulders drop and finally it gives them permission to drop their shoulders.

• 49:14Dr. John Delony?

  And that's how family trees are changed.

• 49:18Speaker 04

  And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to change everything.

• 49:20Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but you're trying to change everything at this big, huge, you're trying to, to, you're trying to change your family tree at the fruit and leaf level. I want you to change it at the roots. And it's way less complicated. It's nutrients and water.

• 49:37Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 49:38Dr. John Delony?

  Do you go to church?

• 49:41Speaker 04

  That's another shaky subject for me.

• 49:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 49:46Speaker 04

  Because part of how it was done, like how everything was handled was because of the religion. So I have a love-hate thing for it.

• 49:54Dr. John Delony?

  Have, have a love-hate with that particular group of people.

• 49:59Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 50:00Dr. John Delony?

  Go find another box where you can go and people will wrap their arms around you.

• 50:06Dr. John Delony?

  Because that exists too. It's both and.

• 50:09Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 50:11Dr. John Delony?

  There's some very sick, sick churches and there's some pretty extraordinary churches. Both are true. Same as there's good doctors, same as I've learned the hard way, there's good tattoo artists and really bad tattoo artists, right?

• 50:22Speaker 04

  I've learned that too.

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. It's both and.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  But that's a good way to have a built-in group of people. And if you go back to the Bible, it's, they're, they're, they're supposed to be hospitals. They're not supposed to be beauty contests.

• 50:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:41Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to have your friend and I want you to say, hey, for the next six months, we're gonna meet, you're coming over every week, or I'm coming over to your house every week. And it's not to commiserate. It's just to be with. That's it.

• 50:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:55Dr. John Delony?

  And it's gonna feel like you're quote-unquote "not doing anything", but you're letting your nervous system rest for the first time in 30 years.

• 51:05Speaker 04

  Yeah. And I'm always in fight or flight.

• 51:08Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 51:09Speaker 04

  My siblings think it's hilarious and they mess with me all the time. And it's to the point where like, I will literally knock someone out if it has anything to do with my kids. And they think it's so funny. They tell me, calm down, just relax. I'm like, you don't understand the depth of this. I will do insane things for my kids. It's not funny, it's not a joke. And I try to explain it, but they just, they don't get it.

• 51:31Dr. John Delony?

  Well, make a choice to not do insane things too.

• 51:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:38Dr. John Delony?

  Cause that's exhausting.

• 51:40Speaker 04

  It is exhausting.

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 51:43Dr. John Delony?

  So here's your homework assignment.

• 51:45Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 51:46Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to invite your friend over, but you have to leave out something intentionally.

• 51:52Dr. John Delony?

  Like a, like a basket of laundry, some dishes in the sink.

• 51:58Dr. John Delony?

  You can't turn friendship into a performance. You've been performing for loved ones your whole life. That's over.

• 52:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:07Dr. John Delony?

  Cause your body knows it's not connection. Your body knows it's a show. It's a, it's a job interview. We're done with that.

• 52:16Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to tell your friend to bring over whatever, ever half drunk bottle of wine, or two liter bottle of Sprite, or whatever meal they've got left over and bring it over. We're gonna cook it up. We're just gonna hang. And then when she comes over, I want you to say, I need this every week. And by the way, I have text messages in my phone from really successful men that say, I need this.

• 52:43Dr. John Delony?

  Every Friday for breakfast, every Saturday morning for whatever.

• 52:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I say, I'm in.

• 52:53Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I need it to.

• 52:56Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 52:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 52:59Dr. John Delony?

  But you have to.

• 53:00Speaker 04

  I can do that.

• 53:00Dr. John Delony?

  Here, here's the, the key to solving loneliness. Looking at another person or a group of people and saying, this is all of me. Do you still love me?

• 53:13Speaker 04

  That's really scary.

• 53:14Dr. John Delony?

  I know it is, because it's got you burned in the past.

• 53:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:19Dr. John Delony?

  That's the answer. Are you in?

• 53:23Speaker 04

  I'm in.

• 53:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, the greatest gift you can give your kids is an emotionally regulated well mom.

• 53:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:31Dr. John Delony?

  And that means you're gonna not go to every single thing all the time.

• 53:37Dr. John Delony?

  And that means you're gonna have your every Monday night thing, and they may not get to go to a like a playdate, or a friend thing, or a school thing. Because this is my Monday night thing. And they're gonna go, "Are you kidding me, mom? You're the worst. You always do this every Monday." And you're gonna go, "Yep, because it's important to me." And what you're gonna give them, over the course of their, rest of their childhood, and you got a decade with the older one left. That's a long time.

• 54:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:04Dr. John Delony?

  What you're gonna give them

• 54:07Dr. John Delony?

  is an innate understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them.

• 54:13Dr. John Delony?

  That they weren't responsible for mom's happiness, and thus responsible for her sadness.

• 54:20Dr. John Delony?

  They didn't have the burden of having to choose, "What do you guys want to eat for dinner tonight?"

• 54:25Dr. John Delony?

  They didn't have to choose, "What do y'all want to do tonight?"

• 54:30Dr. John Delony?

  And they get to exhale, because that's so much for a kid to carry.

• 54:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:37Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 54:38Speaker 04

  That's fair.

• 54:40Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth having friends, Kaylee.

• 54:44Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 54:44Dr. John Delony?

  And those little kids are worth their mama. Having some great, great girlfriends.

• 54:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm trying to earn that with them.

• 54:53Dr. John Delony?

  No, you don't need to earn it. You're their mom. You get, you just get it.

• 54:58Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 54:59Dr. John Delony?

  Stop trying to earn the closest people's love. You've been trying to earn it your whole life, and you fend up from your dad. You can never get it.

• 55:07Speaker 04

  No.

• 55:07Dr. John Delony?

  If you gotta earn it from mom and dad, you're never gonna get it. They're gonna move the finish line on you every time, then they're gonna die.

• 55:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I don't want to do that to them.

• 55:16Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 55:19Dr. John Delony?

  I ain't earning nothing from you. I'm your mom.

• 55:23Dr. John Delony?

  I love you, and you love me.

• 55:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:26Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 55:28Speaker 04

  Right.

• 55:32Dr. John Delony?

  Go make friends. Go first, go be awkward, invite people over and they're gonna say no and you're gonna have that whole shame cycle spin up again. Exhale and then get on the phone and call somebody else, text somebody else, be weird, go first, have them over.

• 55:50Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 55:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 55:52Speaker 04

  I'll do that at my college classes. I'll try to find some older kids that go to school.

• 55:57Dr. John Delony?

  Hang out. My mom used to, my mom went back to school. She had started hanging out with younger kids. It was hilarious.

• 56:03Speaker 04

  It's so awkward.

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  It's so awkward. But you know what they really need? They need the wisdom and experience, not of TikTok, but of a woman who's been to hell and back.

• 56:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's true.

• 56:17Dr. John Delony?

  Together, y'all can exhale a little bit together. Be awesome.

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, it's awkward. Yes, it's weird. And yes, it's as necessary as breathing. You gotta have other people. Thank you so much for the call. And thanks for making a choice like to take one tiny little step in the direction of healing and being well. It's amazing.

• 56:40Dr. John Delony?

  Pretty cool. We'll be right back.

• 56:43Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Alright, everyone is talking about therapy these days and I often hear folks tell me privately, "I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life." This is super important. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past and to help me navigate the day-to-day challenges that pop up as a husband, as a dad, as a community member. And honestly, many of you should try therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online

• 57:27Dr. John Delony?

  therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily, and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/daloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H E L P dot com slash Deloney.

• 58:01Dr. John Delony?

  All right, welcome back, Kelly. I caught you putting on your lipstick before the camera came on. You look great. Beautiful.

• 58:10Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 58:11Speaker 02

  We have a cool crap that happened.

• 58:12Dr. John Delony?

  What happened?

• 58:13Speaker 02

  All right, this is from Stephanie. She said, "I wanted to send you a quick note of thanks. You said something on one of your shows that opened up a conversation between my partner and I that changed everything. How do I want my home to feel when I come home?

• 58:25Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah, that's a big one.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  That inspired a conversation between he and I where I was really honest, emotional, and it was kind of profound. It lifted a weight off my shoulders that I now realize I had been carrying for a very, very long time. Thank you. I'm very grateful for that insight."

• 58:39Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. And I'm grateful that she had the courage to sit down and have that conversation. That's a scary one. That's a scary one. Good on her. Kelly, what do you want this

• 58:51Dr. John Delony?

  show work environment to feel like?

• 58:54Speaker 02

  We don't have time.

• 58:56Dr. John Delony?

  What do you mean?

• 59:00Dr. John Delony?

  All right, that's enough of you. Hey, thanks, everybody, for joining us for their episode. I wish you guys the best. Be kind to each other. Be kind.

• 59:08Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth being loved. See ya.