I’ve Kept My Diagnosis a Secret (Should I Come Clean?)

On today’s episode, we hear about: - A young woman wondering when to disclose her mental health struggles - A man unsure if it’s time to confront his mom about their past - A son hurt after being left out of the family vacation Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need! I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne. Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I was unfortunately diagnosed with schizophrenia. Is it wrong of me to keep this secret from literally every single person that I know?

• 0:14Dr. John Delony?

  We live in a culture now that says because we have social media, you have to tell everybody everything all the time. And if you're not, then somehow you're a liar. And that's false. It's just not true.

• 0:28Dr. John Delony?

  What's up? What's going on? This is John, The Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're with us, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your kids and whatever else you've got going on in your life. Go to johndeloney.com/ask, A-S-K. Love to talk to you on the show. All right, let's go out to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Ava. Hey Ava, what's up?

• 0:54Speaker 00

  Hey, how are you, Dr. John?

• 0:56Dr. John Delony?

  I'm great. How about you?

• 0:58Speaker 00

  I'm great.

• 0:59Dr. John Delony?

  What do you say, lady?

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Um, so I kind of like wrote something just so I wouldn't get, you know, kind of jumbled up. Um, is it okay if I just kind of like read that to you?

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  You could do whatever you want. Yeah, like let it rip. Read it up.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  Okay, got it. Okay. I'm kind of nervous, sorry.

• 1:16Dr. John Delony?

  No, don't be nervous. You're good. What's up?

• 1:19Speaker 00

  Okay. So...

• 1:21Dr. John Delony?

  By the way, I also know telling somebody, hold on. Ava, I know that telling somebody, hey, don't be nervous, is like when somebody's depressed and you're like, ah, just cheer up. Or somebody's anxious and you're like, just don't worry about it. So I know. Be as nervous as you want to be. You're good.

• 1:35Speaker 00

  Okay. So last year, um, I was unfortunately diagnosed with schizophrenia.

• 1:42Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, how old are you?

• 1:45Speaker 00

  I'm 25. I just turned 25 like yesterday.

• 1:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, before you keep reading, happy birthday. Before you keep reading, what usually there is a whirlwind of chaos in the years leading up to that type of diagnosis. Yeah, tell me about your life.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  Um, so I feel like I live like a relatively normal life. Like I go to college. I have a steady job that I've been at for probably about three years now.

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Um, I own apartment, all those things. Um, I've been medicated for like the last year. So ever since I found out, um, I've been consistently taking my medications.

• 2:22Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  I don't really experience like symptoms that often anymore. They'll sometimes peek through if I maybe like missed like a dose or something, but other than that, like my day to day is like pretty normal. Um, I also never really experienced like the typical symptoms that you think of, like, you know, when you think of somebody who experiences schizophrenia and other like hearing voices and like seeing crazy stuff and, and stuff like that. Um, it's not really been totally my experience. Um, my schizophrenia manifests as more so like delusions, um, which is like way easier to hide, but it's still like extremely stressful.

• 3:00Dr. John Delony?

  Give me an example of one of your, uh, what I would call, and this is kind of jargon, but one of your classic delusions, one of the ones that, that loops on you a lot.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  I would say the worst one that I had was that like the people closest to me were all plotting against me.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  Like plotting to hurt me in some way, either physically or emotionally. And I just was, it was just really, really bad. And it was causing serious problems with like my partner and my family members and stuff like that. So.

• 3:31Dr. John Delony?

  So does the medication turn the, turn down the dials on that hallucination?

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Pretty much completely.

• 3:38Dr. John Delony?

  Outstanding. That's, that's amazing. What, hey, can we just celebrate what a weird little sliver of history we live in?

• 3:44Speaker 00

  Right. I know. It's pretty weird. It's like when I take my medicine, you know, I, I feel completely like I feel great. You know what I mean?

• 3:52Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Awesome. I, I will tell you, folks with, um, Bipolar one and schizophrenia, especially those who present as you do. Those who take their medication regularly, which is hard, right? Because there's seasons when you feel good and you're like, I don't want to take it anymore. I want to, I just quote unquote, want to be normal, whatever. Those who do can live a really great life.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:18Dr. John Delony?

  So I am proud of you for a year of staying on. Good for you, Ava. That's amazing.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Thank you so much. It's been really hard.

• 4:26Dr. John Delony?

  I know it is. I know it is. And I know it's frustrating, especially when you have like two weeks or three weeks of feeling great, that you're like, oh, I'm quote unquote cured, which I don't like that kind of language, but like, I'm somehow.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  That's how I feel though.

• 4:39Dr. John Delony?

  I, I know, but it's that, alright, I gotta do it again, and I gotta do it again. So, man, good for you.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:47Dr. John Delony?

  Alright, so what's your question? Get back to reading.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  So, my question is, is it wrong of me to keep this secret from literally every single person that I know? Um, I feel really, really guilty lying to literally everyone close to me, my friends, my partners, my family. It's starting to make me kind of feel like a bad person, but I'm also like really, really afraid of like the stigma and what people think of me, because I feel like when you think of the word schizophrenia, it's like a really scary word, like, people think the worst thoughts, you know, I, I know I did, and I, I just don't know if I should continue to keep it to myself, or like, is that okay?

• 5:34Speaker 00

  I, I just, I really, really have been struggling with it lately and I don't know what to do.

• 5:40Dr. John Delony?

  A, you don't owe anybody anything.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And if you have, I don't know, like, cancer, if you've got any sort of, any number of things, schizophrenia, you don't owe everyone in the world. We live in a culture now that says, because we have social media, you have to tell everybody everything all the time. And if you're not, then somehow you're a liar, and that's false. It's just not true. We don't have any decorum anymore.

• 6:09Speaker 00

  I feel like I'm lying to people, which is why I feel guilty.

• 6:13Dr. John Delony?

  You are not, okay?

• 6:16Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:17Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to A...

• 6:20Dr. John Delony?

  Always double down on keeping Ava safe, okay?

• 6:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I want to tell you that over time, secrets will kill you. They'll burn a hole through your spirit. And so, having people that you can share this with, that you trust and that you care about, especially those who are, you're gonna need, if you don't have it already, what I would call an accountability circle. Somebody who can say, "Hey, have you taken your meds this week?"

• 6:51Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna desperately need that over time.

• 6:55Dr. John Delony?

  Alright?

• 6:55Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:56Dr. John Delony?

  And so, letting people in, not everybody, because that's madness, and not people who are gonna use this against you. When you apply for a job, you don't have to say, "Hi, my name is Ava and guess what happened to me? Guess what I..." You don't have to do that.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:11Dr. John Delony?

  You may, if you're working at a certain kind of place, and talk to the HR director. Because they keep things confidential and say, "Hey, I want everybody to know, I want you to know, I'm taking medication, I have a diagnostic, and I'm working really hard, and I've got things in, under control. And I'm working with two sets of professionals, I got a counselor, I got a psychiatrist, and I'm on it. Just want to let you know." You could do that, if you wanted to, if you felt safe doing that. I would feel safe doing that, where I work, not everybody has that, and that's okay.

• 7:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right? If you're dating somebody seriously, yeah, absolutely, they would need to know. I think that would be honest and fair.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 7:53Dr. John Delony?

  If you have one or two family members that you feel safe with, great. I don't want to, uh...

• 8:01Dr. John Delony?

  Paint with a broad brush, but I will, often, folks with your diagnosis did not come from stable family systems.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And so, there may be nobody in your family that's safe, or maybe you have a sibling that's safe, but it may just not make you feel like you can walk on firm footing by all your family knowing, okay?

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:24Dr. John Delony?

  You're not a liar. You are somebody who is taking care of Ava.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 8:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 8:32Dr. John Delony?

  Do you have two or three close friends, or associates, or a romantic partner that you would feel safe telling this to?

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would, I'm just afraid.

• 8:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:45Dr. John Delony?

  The way you described it to me was really well done.

• 8:51Dr. John Delony?

  I have schizophrenia. I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't even want to use the word "have." I have been diagnosed with a symptom cluster that presents as schizophrenia. I'm gonna commit to getting reevaluated every two to three to four years.

• 9:08Dr. John Delony?

  I've got an incredible team that gave me some great medication that's working amazing. And, um, obviously you didn't even know, friend, or colleague, or family member. You didn't even know.

• 9:20Dr. John Delony?

  But also, I want to bring you into the inner circle and let you know, if you ever see me kind of withdrawing, or starting to talk a little bit more about, "Hey, they're watching us," right? Or "they're listening to us." That you have permission to say, "Have you taken your medication yet?"

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:39Dr. John Delony?

  Because one of the things that is scary for people who love somebody who maybe is diagnosed with schizophrenia, diagnosed with bipolar, is they want to love and support, especially when things get tough, and they don't have an avenue forward. And so you, when you're well, when you're feeling great, and you have a season of taking your meds, um, you give somebody permission that if you show up and you haven't showered for three or four days, or you haven't slept for three or four days, they have a pre-established path already arranged with you on how to lean into that.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:15Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, that will give you an anchor point, a little bit of an exhale, knowing you're not holding this whole thing all by yourself.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:25Dr. John Delony?

  But, hear me say this directly: You are not a liar for being careful about who you tell.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 10:36Dr. John Delony?

  Now, you told me, do you feel in any way that I've judged you?

• 10:42Speaker 00

  No.

• 10:43Dr. John Delony?

  Do you feel like I don't like you?

• 10:45Speaker 00

  No.

• 10:45Dr. John Delony?

  Do you feel like I have communicated in any way that there's something wrong with you? And that you're not going to be a contributor to our crazy little world we live in?

• 10:54Speaker 00

  No.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, give other people the opportunity to do that too.

• 10:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:59Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  I cannot tell you how proud of you I am.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 11:07Dr. John Delony?

  And, did you get diagnosed by one person or more than one person?

• 11:11Speaker 00

  More than one. It was a process. I was misdiagnosed a few times and then they caught it.

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and everybody feels at peace there?

• 11:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, it is 2025 right now. I want you to put a little star in 2027. Maybe February or March of 2027.

• 11:32Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:32Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to commit with your provider that you want to go through a reevaluation process again.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and here's what that does for you. It keeps your well-being and health front of mind, and it's just going to be something you have to hang on to. I, one of my oldest friends in the world is in a wheelchair. He has to think through things like what restaurants I'm going to go to. Um, do I have access to him, right? He has to think through parking, he has to think through different things. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody, but that is his reality. And as soon as he can just say, yeah, this is my life and we're going to, I want to get on about it because I want to go to the concert. Um, then there's less, it's still inconvenient, but there's that, less of that pressure, right? I have to help him go to the bathroom when we're out. So he has a whole bunch of jokes geared up for when that has to happen.

• 12:20Dr. John Delony?

  Like, we, it's just a process. It just is. Neither of us want that, but it is what it is. And so we make the best of it and then we go on to the show. I want you to have that front of mind because this is just going to be what you, um, what's in your, in your, in your heart, in your head, in your mind, in your body. It's just going to be a part of your life and so let's make peace with it and let's go do the next right thing. You get what I'm saying?

• 12:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  But dude, awesome. I'm proud of you.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 12:48Dr. John Delony?

  And can I give you one more thing before I let you go?

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:52Dr. John Delony?

  This is just between me and you, okay?

• 12:54Speaker 00

  Got it.

• 12:55Dr. John Delony?

  And a couple of million people listening, but this is just me and, it's just me and you, okay?

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  One day, do you still see a counselor?

• 13:06Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want you to run this by your counselor, so don't take this just from me. But here's an exercise I would love you to consider.

• 13:17Dr. John Delony?

  In your journey to this diagnosis and in your journey to finding the right medication and going in and out of doctor's offices and counselor's office and probably school counselor's office and probably school disciplinary boards and all that mess.

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to write a letter to 20-year-old you, and this is a letter of love and forgiveness, because you've probably done some things that haunt you, right?

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, okay? I want you to forgive her, because now that you have some data, that 20-year-old you was going through hell, and she needed a lot of compassion that nobody around her even knew how to give her, especially you, right?

• 14:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:03Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to make peace with that girl who was struggling and let her know in this letter that 23-year-old you, 30-year-old you, now is on a new track and is doing some amazing things that are going to bring healing to the entire trajectory, okay?

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:21Dr. John Delony?

  I'm proud of you for the journey you've been on and for the work you have done. Gangster Ava, it's awesome. Stay on it, stay on it, and stay on it. I'm proud of you. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, when we come back, a man is struggling to confront his mother about his past.

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• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to Baton Rouge, or as Kelly calls it, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and talk to David. What's up, David?

• 16:19Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John.

• 16:20Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, brother?

• 16:22Speaker 02

  I was just trying to find out what the next right move is.

• 16:26Dr. John Delony?

  Me too, dude. You go first, and then I'll ask you mine. All right, go ahead.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  All right. So I have a question. Should I try to open up about the elephant in the room of my relationship with my mom, even though I know she will probably deny any wrongdoing?

• 16:44Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 16:45Speaker 02

  I'm 22, 23. Sorry, I forget. I get it mixed up with my wife sometimes. I'm 23.

• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and you're married?

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 16:57Dr. John Delony?

  Just a quick aside, you're married pretty young, which I love. Why'd you decide to get married?

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Well, um, we kind of grew up in a, uh, a kind of niche like conservative Christian culture where it's pretty normal that people are getting married before their twenties.

• 17:14Dr. John Delony?

  And is it niche or is it culty or kind of both?

• 17:17Speaker 02

  Uh, maybe a little cultish, but maybe not enough to be an actual cult.

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  It's cult adjacent. Okay.

• 17:26Speaker 02

  Yes, and I, I don't regret being married that often, uh, that early and it's been amazing two years, so.

• 17:32Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, two, so you're already two years in?

• 17:34Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 17:35Dr. John Delony?

  Wow, good for you, man. Congratulations, dude.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 17:39Dr. John Delony?

  I got, I got married young too, not, not as young as you, but I got married young too. I, I just, I'll, I have, I have a soft spot in my heart for it, so. Alright, so what's, what's this elephant in the room?

• 17:48Speaker 02

  Uh, it's like a lot of past trauma and I tried to, to think of a way to just answer that quickly because I knew you probably would ask that, but it's more, the more I look at it, the more it's just patterns of the way she treated us, but I did write down some examples if you would want some.

• 18:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, we'll, we'll get to those that you wrote down, but you said there were trauma. Um, give me a couple of bullet points.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Okay, so, um, it was basically an environment where us the kids were never good enough and, um, we would constantly get yelled at and punished for not, you know, cleaning up the way she wanted to. If she was stressed, she would make sure everybody else was upset with that. And then later in life, it ended up, uh, leading to my sister leaving the house when she was 19, uh, because of similar issues. And then my mom and her had this conversation that I never heard, you know, I've heard both sides and they both say different things, but basically they're not in contact. And one of the big things that she did was, uh,

• 18:59Speaker 02

  she told me and my little sister that she would kill herself if we ever did what she did, uh, if we ever did what my older sister did.

• 19:08Dr. John Delony?

  I- is it part of your religious heritage that 19-year-olds don't leave the house? That seems common across the board.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  Yes, um, we, we grew up in, um, the, uh, under like the IBLP.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Type stuff where it was like the umbrella of authority. So if you do anything that your parents don't want to, it doesn't matter how old you are, as long as you're not married, you're under your father and mother. And so if they don't want you to move, then you can't move, basically.

• 19:41Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. That is a twisting up of the honor your father and mother to a new level, which is you do whatever they say for as long as they say it.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's, I hate that for everybody. Um, yeah. So tell me, tell me why, oh, let's just say this. No, it doesn't, based on what you've told me, it doesn't make any sense to quote unquote, confront your mom because it, there would be two things at play here. Either you're confronting her because you want to heal this relationship and have her a part of your new marriage and your new life. And if you'll have kids and all that. Um, and it may even be an extension of your religious heritage, which is she still gets a vote in how we run our, our marriage, which I'll disagree with, but is what y'all, I mean, y'all do you. There's no, so that's number one. I want to heal this thing. And she's

• 20:35Dr. John Delony?

  proven to you over time that healing or working together or having a, a relationship that is one of equanimity is not anything she desires. She is your boss. She tells you what to do and when to do it and how to do it. And anything other than that results in threats, screaming, yelling, or even, um, threats to take her own life. Or the other reason you'd want to do this is because like, I'm 23, I've been married two years. It's time I stand up for myself. And I understand that, but I would much rather see you stand up for yourself with your actions and not just say something to have had said it. Does

• 21:20Dr. John Delony?

  that make sense?

• 21:22Speaker 02

  Yes, uh, could I add a little bit of context to that?

• 21:26Dr. John Delony?

  Add whatever you want, man, yeah.

• 21:27Speaker 02

  Alright, so about five years ago, I did start, you know, kind of standing up for myself, with, uh, standing up for myself, and I was in counseling at the time, and he told me it was probably a good idea to move in with my dad, because they had just recently divorced. Um, and, you know, she, she made a lot, she made a lot of assumptions, like when I was bringing things up, like, "Well, I wouldn't have yelled at you if you were a good, a good kid."

• 21:56Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, let me stop you, let me stop you, let me stop you. Let's don't go back five years anymore. You're talking about a woman who is unwell. Okay? And maybe she was trapped in this religious cult-adjacent niche group or whatever, and she has been squashed and, um, silenced and whatever her whole life, and who knows what her dad did to her?

• 22:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, I'm not giving her an excuse, I'm just saying, even going back to those moments, a mother that looks at a kid and says, "How dare you get depressed," or "Maybe you wouldn't be depressed if you weren't such a bad kid," that's the end of the conversation, there's literally nothing else to say there. Because that in and of itself is, um, it's so out of bounds, it, it doesn't make any sense to continue the conversation.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:53Dr. John Delony?

  And when you get, and you, when you, I, I'm gonna use a, gosh, an example I don't like to use here, but it's just the first one that popped into my head, okay? Um, I, I can't even count them, I could probably sit down and, and get a piece of paper out and count them, but I've had too many students over the years, at the universities I've worked at, either attempt to take their life, or to actually go through with it and die by suicide, okay? And I can't tell you how many people, whether it's parents, siblings, or other students and friends, um, and faculty members, etc., who are trying to figure out why? Why did this happen? And usually the result of that, I mean, the bottom line of that question is, "What did I do wrong? What could I have done?"

• 23:38Dr. John Delony?

  And there are some things people can do, etc., but I always used to tell folks, if you're trying to reverse engineer these things, there's not a rational response to an irrational act.

• 23:52Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're not going to find the math problem, generally speaking, that you can lay over A plus B equals C here. And so what I want to tell you is, it's irrational to look at your teenage son and blame him for his biochemistry and his life experiences. It's irrational to look at a son with anything other than compassion who's hurting as he's heading into a new marriage. It's irrational. And so you trying to find rational responses to that is just a waste of your energy. And it's pulling precious resources, love, time, attention, connectivity, from your brand-new marriage, man.

• 24:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I'd love to see you re-divert that energy into something productive and making sure this cycle stops with you and your new wife. Do you get what I'm saying?

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:52Dr. John Delony?

  And I know this is even more complicated because God has wound all up into this. And by the way, where's your dad in all this?

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Uh, my dad is now like separated from him, uh, from her, living separately and kind of we've both talked about how we both kind of feel like there's that denial and gaslighting of like, I never said that, I never did that, you're making this up, the devil's using you to attack me and things like that.

• 25:21Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, so you've got an unwell person, you both have experienced the same person. And I would hope with you and your dad, not in a gossiping or attacking kind of way, but you can both realize, oh, we have a shared experience here. We're both not crazy. And once you realize, phew, I'm not crazy, then the onus is on you to go do the next right thing. And so based on your past, you've tried this, your dad has probably tried this over and over, your sister tried it. It now makes you irrational to think that you can sit down and have this magic conversation or this magic confrontation that will produce anything other than more of the same.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  I guess I kinda just wanna get rid of the guilt I feel of

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  You can't.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  feeling that way about my mom.

• 26:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, the greatest gift, the greatest way to dispose of that guilt is you go through an exercise of mercy, of forgiveness. Forgiveness is for you, not for her. I'm not, I'm no longer mom gonna carry all of the cinder blocks you put in my backpack growing up. I'm not carrying them anymore. I'm especially not gonna hand them to my new wife to help me carry, and I'm especially not gonna hand them to my children.

• 26:44Dr. John Delony?

  And mercy is just assuming the most positive intent. I have no idea what you went through, mom, as a little girl in this, in this niche tradition, as you call it. I don't know what you went through. I don't know what demons and scars you have, but I am gonna opt out of this dance.

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to choose guilt every single time, because what's gonna happen is you're gonna start to resent this woman. You probably already are there. And that is an exhausting way to live your life.

• 27:20Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 27:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. I guess I, I half like going over there to her house to visit, but part of me doesn't like the obvious walls up.

• 27:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right. Do you know why you like going over there?

• 27:35Speaker 02

  Because she's still my mom.

• 27:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, there's a nine-year-old boy still wondering what you did that was so bad that she turned on you. There's a little bitty kid inside of your chest trying to solve her. And if you've ever listened to this show, I've said this often, the work you have to do is to let that nine-year-old boy off the hook. He never did anything wrong. He was nine.

• 28:00Dr. John Delony?

  He had a dad who didn't get involved to protect him, and he had a mother who was very unwell. And he had an oppressive system that said, "God set this up this way." That is, that is strike one, strike two, strike three on a little boy trying to make his way in the world. And so your work moving forward is not to try to solve your mom. It's an insolvable problem. Your work moving forward is making sure this never happens again.

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what that means in real life. That means, A, I want you to write that nine-year-old boy a letter, and I want you to read it out loud to your new wife. And I don't want you to skip the part where your dad just ducked his head and let your mom talk to you this way. I don't want you to skip the part in the letter where the church leader said, "Yes, this is exactly how this is supposed to go." I don't want you to skip the part where your sister broke free and your family system blamed her for it. Okay? I want you to let that nine-year-old boy go. Have a good time. And you're always gonna want to have peace with your mom.

• 29:15Dr. John Delony?

  It would be nuts to not want that, and you're not going to get it. And there's a lot of grief there, because it's not supposed to be that way. Moms are supposed to be ride or die with their boys, right?

• 29:37Dr. John Delony?

  You hear what I'm saying?

• 29:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry all across the board.

• 29:49Dr. John Delony?

  But I want you to begin to working on your new marriage and talking through like those fun, hard, scary, playful conversations that are, "Who are we gonna be in our marriage?" Because I don't want to do that.

• 30:07Dr. John Delony?

  And who are we gonna be as parents? Because we're not gonna do that.

• 30:14Dr. John Delony?

  And then you'll have some bigger questions to answer. Like, are we gonna stay in this faith community that teaches adult children that your main mission in life is to do whatever your mom and dad tell you to do? For as long as they tell you to do it? Which, "I'll die on this hill," is different than honoring your father and mother. It just is. And does that mean you have to have a big? I would not recommend a big send-off, cutoff party here. I just wouldn't. You can do that if you want to, I wouldn't recommend it. What I'd recommend is you and your wife saying, hey, what does Christmas look like this year? What does holidays look like? What does weekly gatherings look like?

• 30:58Dr. John Delony?

  And when mom calls and says, hey, y'all, coming over for lunch today? You say, hey, Mom, we already have plans. Thank you so, so much for the invite. We've got plans with some other friends from work, from our community, from our new church. We've got some friends and so we're gonna be hanging out with them. I hope you have a great day. I can't believe you're abandoning me. Wow. Thank you for sharing that with me, Mom. I'm gonna let you go. And you're gonna feel that knot in your chest and you're gonna put your fist in your chest and exhale through it. And it might weigh on you all day and then you're gonna go hang out and you're gonna practice doing life with new people. And when your dad wants to complain about your mom, hey, come on over here, let's talk about whatever. Hey, Dad, where were you, man?

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  Where were you? And have that conversation too. But I want you to do your best to begin to face towards the future. Because the past is what the past is. And going back to conversations when you had, when you're 18 and going back to conversations when you're 13, they're helpful if you don't know why you feel the way you feel right now as an adult, you do. And so now going back is just a way to hit yourself over and over and over again. And you've been hit enough, man. Emotionally, psychologically, probably physically. It's time to orient yourself to the future, man. Thank you so, so much for the call. I want to help out your new marriage.

• 32:23Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna send you the Questions for Humans Couples decks and the Intimacy deck. I'll send you several of those things and hook you up with those. I want you to begin building a new marriage, man. I'm excited for what comes next for you. When we come back, a man wonders how to reconcile his relationship with his parents and set healthy boundaries.

• 32:44Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life can be a mess, relationships can be hard, and work can be chaotic and stressful. And when your relationships and your life and work all collide, your mind and your body feel it. There is a ton of data showing how workplace stress, and especially workplace leadership, your boss, can have a major impact on your mental and emotional stress. And most of us can't just quit and we can't just take a vacation from work every time we want to or think we need to. But we can start with small steps to help manage our life and our work stress. The first thing we have to do is keep our bodies and relationships strong. And you know the drill, exercise, sunlight, eating right, relationship check-ins.

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  And when you need someone to sit with you and help you navigate things moving forward, getting a great therapist to help walk alongside you can be a game changer. I know, because I see a therapist myself. If you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, which means it's affordable and convenient. And to get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a wild diverse variety of expertise. And BetterHelp has an App Store rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars, based on over 1.7 million client reviews. So manage your workday challenges with BetterHelp.

• 34:12Dr. John Delony?

  Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, Indianapolis, let's talk to Brent. What up Brent?

• 34:27Speaker 03

  What's going on, Dr. John? It's an honor to talk to you.

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  It's an honor to talk to you, man. How can I help, man?

• 34:32Speaker 03

  Hey, thanks for taking my call. So, big question I have for you. It's over the past few years, my wife and I have been working on boundaries with my parents, just establishing healthy boundaries for us as a family. We have three kids and my mom has a fairly abrasive personality. Let's just put it that way.

• 34:52Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 34:53Speaker 03

  And my, well, she's fairly toxic in a lot of ways.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but what does that mean?

• 34:59Speaker 03

  Um.

• 34:59Dr. John Delony?

  Give me some examples.

• 35:00Speaker 03

  That, well, you know, she, she makes comments to my wife that seem to drive a wedge between us at times.

• 35:08Dr. John Delony?

  I know, dude, you're like, what are they?

• 35:12Speaker 03

  Well, you know, I, if, if, you know, she'll make comments like, you know, that we parent our kids a certain way that makes it obvious she doesn't approve of, right? Um, things like we coddle our kids or, you know, just little comments here and there.

• 35:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:36Speaker 03

  Um, you know, issues with them seem to kind of bubble up and, and, and smooth over, over the course of a few years, right? And, and, but recently, they kind of reached a boiling point with me, um, as they left us out of the annual family vacation. So, my wife and I have been pretty upset about it and it's really difficult to be around them and just act like nothing happened. And I'm just looking for a little help on, you know, maybe where do we go from here?

• 36:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so, I'm taking your word for it. I, I was trying to pry a little bit, but I'm taking your word for it that, like, saying, like, I, here, here's an example. Um, you're, you have a son?

• 36:23Speaker 03

  Yes, sir.

• 36:23Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's say your son is four years old and son's crying and y'all are just letting him go to sleep and mom, uh, are y'all going there to hug him? And mom says, you just let him cry. And you say, well, we're gonna go in there and hug him. Well, y'all are just coddling that little kid, he's gonna turn into a brat, right? There's that, which is annoying, and it's kind of some people's, like, personality, but it's my kid, I don't really care.

• 36:50Speaker 03

  Right?

• 36:51Dr. John Delony?

  I'm assuming that when you say abrasive and toxic, there's more than just that, because that stuff's annoying and that stuff's just whatever. I would never let my kid wear that, or that music they're listening to is, nah, okay, whatever. You get your opinion, you get your, you could say what you want to say, but you're my parents and I'm gonna move on with my life. Um, I'm, I'm gonna take your word that there's probably more than that you just don't want to talk about on air, which is fine. Tell me about what you did when you found out there was this family vacation that they purposely let, left you out of. What did you do? Did you call your dad? Did you call your mom?

• 37:24Speaker 03

  I did not. I

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  Why not?

• 37:26Speaker 03

  I stewed on it for a few days and just, you know, I was, I was really upset by it and

• 37:31Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 37:32Speaker 03

  ve- very angry, you know, about, about that and, and at them. You know, we, we saw them a coup- a couple of weeks later and, you know, everybody was kind of acting like it didn't happen. You know, someone made a comment like, hey, we missed you guys. And, um, it just felt, it just felt very fake. Like you, you missed us, but we also didn't get an invite. And

• 37:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but you were fake too.

• 37:56Speaker 03

  You know, my sisters and I don't have

• 37:57Dr. John Delony?

  You were fake too.

• 37:58Speaker 03

  Oh, sure.

• 37:58Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you went along with it.

• 37:59Speaker 03

  Absolutely. I did.

• 38:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And so are, are, it's, I, I would guess you're equally disappointed that you got left out for some reason and also equally disappointed in yourself for how we, how you responded. Is that fair?

• 38:13Speaker 03

  Absolutely. Yeah.

• 38:15Dr. John Delony?

  So do you have a sibling you could call? Or is your dad somebody that isn't going to fly off at you?

• 38:21Speaker 03

  I could probably talk to a sibling or my dad about it, you know, and, and I've made comments to my, my siblings in the past, you know, like, hey, I would, I would never go on a vacation with, you know, in, in that scenario, in that situation, you know, with mom and dad or whatever. And, you know, but, but things change over time and it's, it, it still feels like, you know, we still not, still trying to reconcile why there wasn't even an invite, right? Cause in the past, there was more extravagant vacations, right? Cross-country trips, you know, out of the country, things like that, that we were just kind of excluded from due to the size of our family and when, you know, the, the stage

• 39:02Speaker 03

  of life we were in. But that could be my perception too, but

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  But let me, let me paint you a different picture though, and just, just something to hold in, in tension. Okay?

• 39:15Dr. John Delony?

  Your mom and your dad, I'm just gonna throw them in the same bucket, even though that may not be fair. Your mom and your dad both know that y'all don't appreciate their quips and comments about how you and your wife are parenting. You've told even one, told one of your siblings, "I would never go on one of those vacations." They've not invited you in the past. And the story you've told yourself is, is because of life circumstances and time.

• 39:42Speaker 03

  Well, they had, they have invited us.

• 39:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, they didn't, okay, even better. So they have invited you and y'all said no, and they invited you again, and you said no. Is there a possibility that they thought the thing they could give y'all is what you've been asking for for so long, which is to not be out and about with us?

• 40:01Dr. John Delony?

  Cause it sounds like you want to keep getting asked and you want to be the person in the one up position to say no, or yes. And maybe they gave you the gift that they think you've been asking for, which is just to be left off the list.

• 40:14Speaker 03

  Uh, I never thought of it that way.

• 40:16Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, the way you're talking to me, it's like, man, they hooked you up. They didn't bother you with an invite this year.

• 40:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:24Dr. John Delony?

  And all this to say is, the, the, the part that, that concerns me the most is not that. It's not you got left off. It's not that you've said no a whole bunch of times and there's a miscommunication. It's that for whatever reason, you either think your mom and or your dad could not have this conversation, or you're scared to have this conversation. I, I don't know what the gap is, but the-

• 40:48Speaker 03

  I think it's a little of both.

• 40:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  I think, you know, it's, my mom is, uh, have a personality that it's impossible to have a conversation with her unless, you know, you agree with everything that, you know, she says.

• 41:01Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. And it makes her like 90% of mothers across the world, right? Like all across all planet.

• 41:07Speaker 03

  That's fair.

• 41:07Dr. John Delony?

  That's not how you make that meal. That's not how you do that. You, like, that's just, that just is, right? And so-

• 41:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:14Dr. John Delony?

  Now, I hate you can't have, I hate that you can't have a substantive conversation, but that is what that is.

• 41:20Dr. John Delony?

  I keep wanting to go back to you, though. What do you want to accomplish by a further conversation? Cause it sounds like you and your wife got what you really wanted, which is to be left alone.

• 41:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I guess I just felt like, I felt like I hurt them some way, right? Like, I never intended by declining in the past to hurt them. And did I finally hurt my parents enough where, like you said, they just left us off the list?

• 41:52Dr. John Delony?

  It might be hurt, or it might be, um, when the kid knocks on my door trying to sell me another box of cookies and another box of cookies, and I say no every year, I'm not trying to hurt them. I'm just saying, here's my place right now. And then, if the person who knocks on my door is trying to sell me cookies, catches me in a low moment, I'll buy the whole thing. All right? I'll eat all of them, right?

• 42:16Speaker 03

  I've listened to your show long enough. I could envision you doing that.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I'll hammer them, dude. I can get after some Girl Scout cookies. So, all it to say is like, it, here's the, here's the thought I'm having. You're creating a bunch of stories in other people's heads, and then you're responding to those stories that may or may not be true. And the only path forward is right through the middle of them. And so if you think you hurt your mom and your dad, the, the integrist move is to sit down with your dad, and if your mom can't hear it, great. Sit down with your dad and say, Dad, I think I screwed up.

• 42:55Dr. John Delony?

  You've invited us on three or four or five different family vacations, and I've told you no every time, and this year I was kind of gunning and ready to go. And y'all didn't invite me, and I invite me, and I realize, y'all probably didn't invite me because I've made it clear I don't want to go. And I messed that up, man, and I'm sorry about that. If that's what you really believe.

• 43:13Speaker 03

  Well, I think there's more layers, just like anything, right? And part, part of the problem, I think, with me is, I've still become that old me that I hate when I'm around them, right? My wife and I have done a lot of work through counseling and through, you know, just trying to be better than what our human nature allows when we're parenting and things like that. And for some reason, when I'm around the family, it seems like I'm, I'm that child again.

• 43:44Dr. John Delony?

  So can I challenge the work you've done?

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So what I would suggest is maybe you'll have done a lot of discovery.

• 43:55Dr. John Delony?

  A lot of uncovering.

• 43:59Dr. John Delony?

  What I would challenge you is, is the real work is now continuing to show up, if that's, if that's what you want to do, in practicing

• 44:09Dr. John Delony?

  being somebody new.

• 44:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And I That's the hard part. Yeah, dude, it's brutal. It's brutal. It's brutal constantly saying in your mind, "You don't get a vote. I love you and you don't get a vote. I love you and your guilt, or your anger, or your rage is for you to hold on to. I can't hold it for you." All of that's hard.

• 44:36Dr. John Delony?

  But that, that is work 2.0. I, I want you to do this. Um, I actually was working with a married couple recently. I did this exact same thing. I want you to get a picture of your mom and put it in a small frame. I want you to get a picture of your dad and put it in a small frame. Okay? Mm-hmm. And I want you to put it on your desk at home. Maybe even put it, go out on a date with your wife and put it at the table. Put those pictures up.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to cut eyes at them and say, "Hi, Mom and Dad. We invited you on this date to get your opinion on what we're gonna do this summer.

• 45:20Dr. John Delony?

  And little Jimmy is struggling with sleeping, and so we invited you to the table to drop your opinions in on what's happening." And when you do that, you'll realize how silly the whole thing is. And there's a physical practice of taking that picture and putting it down and saying, "I love you, but you don't get a vote here."

• 45:39Dr. John Delony?

  Every time you're about to yell at your wife or your kids on the way to grandma's house, pull that picture out and say, "Hey, Mom, this one's for you."

• 45:47Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, Dad, this one's for you."

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  And the data says that that sort of interaction, the yelling, it evaporates. Cause you realize, I am geared up with nothing to do with my wife and my lovely kids. Right. Right. But there's something about carrying those pictures around and letting them like, "Hey, Mom and Dad, um, we have three kids and we're trying to reimagine our sex life. We wanted to invite you all to this conversation." And you'll both go, "Gross! No, you don't get a vote." And you turn the pictures down, or maybe you take them off the table completely. And then, "Hey, we are doing a budget this month and we're trying to figure out between getting new shoes and whatever, and we wanted to invite you all to this conversation." "No, y'all don't get a vote on this one." "Hey, we're thinking about getting a dog. What do you guys..."

• 46:36Dr. John Delony?

  "No, y'all don't get a vote."

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  "Hey, we're thinking about coming on Christmas. We don't have the money this year. We're exhausted. We're not gonna..." "Y'all don't get a vote on this one." And it's just a form of practice.

• 46:49Dr. John Delony?

  Just a form of practice. But you've done, you've done the, what I would call, the discovery work. And it's hard work. Like when you dig through past conversations and you sit with a therapist and you talk about it, and you and your wife spin over and over, and she says, "I don't really want to do this." And you're like, "All right, I'm gonna tell them, like, we can't make the trip this year." You're, you're starting the discovery practice. Now I want you to enact it. And if you don't want to enact it, ask yourself, "Why am I so, at 40 years old, almost halfway through my life, why am I still inviting people who have hurt me so badly to the table to ask their opinion on what I do next?"

• 47:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have to do one of two things. Either begin to practice work 2.0, which is acting your way through this and feeling it and choosing, "I want to yell right now, and I'm not going to, because it's not about them." Or, "Hey, kids, we're all going on our own vacation this year. And where's Grandma and Grumps? Where's Grandma and..." My, my dad is, my kids call my dad Grumps, and so, that's why I just slipped out there. But, "Um, where's Grandma and Grandad? Like, where are they?" "Well, we're taking our own family vacation. What do you guys want to do?" And we're gonna begin planning that way. But you get to decide those paths. What I would tell you is just sitting where you are with your foot on the gas, just spinning and thinking and thinking and thinking and feeling and feeling and thinking.

• 48:13Dr. John Delony?

  It's just digging a deeper hole and I want you to begin moving forward. Thanks for calling, my brother. Proud of you. We'll be right back.

• 48:23Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, so you have an article you want to share with me?

• 48:27Speaker 04

  Yes, so I found this article that I thought was really interesting, given some of the calls we take on the show, that more than half of the top 100 mental health TikToks contain misinformation.

• 48:39Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh, I would have thought it was higher than that, over half of them. What is, read the top couple of lines in that article.

• 48:47Speaker 04

  Well, so this says that out of 100 videos, that this is from The Guardian, that The Guardian took 100 videos to share them with psychologists, psychiatrists, and academic experts. And 52 of the 100 videos offering advice on dealing with trauma, neurodivergence, anxiety, depression, and severe mental illness contained some misinformation and that many others were just vague or unhelpful. So 52 of the 100.

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  Great.

• 49:18Speaker 04

  52 of the 100 were wrong and more than that were just vague or unhelpful because it talks about how more people are turning to social media for mental health and that most of these videos, or I'm not gonna say most, a lot of them have these quick fix claims.

• 49:38Speaker 04

  And it says, "Those seeking help are confronted with dubious advice such as eating an orange in the shower to reduce anxiety." I'd never heard of that one.

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  You haven't? Duh.

• 49:49Speaker 04

  Clearly I should. "The promotion of supplements with limited evidence base for alleviating anxiety, methods to heal trauma within an hour." Did you know you could heal it that quickly? Yeah.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  Nope.

• 50:03Speaker 04

  "And guidance presenting normal emotional experiences as a sign of borderline personality disorder or abuse." That's scary. That was frightening.

• 50:13Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I'm kind of in a catch 22 here because I have a show that goes out on the internet.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  I guess I would hope that anyone who listens to this show don't think any of this stuff is a quick fix, right?

• 50:30Dr. John Delony?

  And I guess what I would tell you is if you are Googling or you're scrolling through TikTok or through any of these social media platforms.

• 50:40Dr. John Delony?

  We, let me put it this way, I use social media as a point back to a show, this show, so you can hear the whole show. And hopefully would point back to a book that gives you like a long walk through about how to pull some of this stuff apart. Anybody who says you can heal from some of these things in five minutes or 30 minutes, or just do these two quick things, or I've always pushed back. And you can scrub social media, the work that I'm on, you're never gonna see me say the five hacks for, I just don't believe in any of that stuff. And so, yeah, that's tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, because I'm in that ecosystem, but I'm trying to be a voice of reason in that ecosystem. I guess I would just ask anybody who's struggling,

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  if your body is anxious, or your body's depressed, or your body is trying to get your attention all the time, don't go to TikTok for a solution. It's just a, or don't go to any of these social media platforms for any sort of solution. What you may go for is a reference point, where is somebody I can trust? And it, I mean, Kelly, it's just such a mess, some, going there sometimes. I mean, you can, eggs are good, eggs will kill you, eggs have cholesterol, just eat the white parts of the eggs, just, it's just so hard to get any sort of good information there. Yeah, I don't, I don't know that I have a great,

• 52:07Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, what's the solution? What do you think?

• 52:09Speaker 04

  I don't think that, well.

• 52:11Dr. John Delony?

  I don't ever do diagnostic information on those, on the channels. And so, ma, how about this? Anybody who says this,

• 52:19Dr. John Delony?

  "The hacks nobody wants you to know", or "The secret too", or the, what the, what, big, big whatever, fill in the blank, "Food, pharma, media, what they don't want you to know", then you're probably getting nonsense. Or if anybody says you, "How to fix a psychological issue or an emotional challenge in one hour, in two minutes", it's nonsense, it's gonna be nonsense. Sorry, I cut you off, Kelly, what do you think?

• 52:44Speaker 04

  No, I think it's just, um, I mean, you can talk about mental health on there, but...

• 52:51Speaker 04

  There's no quick fixes.

• 52:52Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 52:53Speaker 04

  There's no, um, eating an orange in the shower. I don't...

• 52:58Dr. John Delony?

  Don't eat in the shower?

• 52:59Speaker 04

  Yeah. Ew, that's weird, but...

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, it's just super weird. I may have done that before, but like, don't make it a practice.

• 53:05Speaker 04

  Right, but I don't know why...

• 53:06Dr. John Delony?

  It was therapeutic, but I was eating ice cream and I was sad.

• 53:10Dr. John Delony?

  It was making me feel better in the moment, but it was that long-term negative ramifications.

• 53:14Speaker 04

  I mean, sometimes it's good to know, to go to, I understand the, the pull of social, social media and that you know you're not alone. And there's a community to be found. And I'm not the only one that feels this way. And maybe someone has some ideas as far as you should go see someone who helps with this, or here's something that has helped me. More sleep, finding a group or whatever, but these, with most things in life, finances, relationships, anything, there's no quick fix.

• 53:42Dr. John Delony?

  No. And by the way, you don't want a quick fix.

• 53:44Speaker 04

  No, because that means you're not doing the work.

• 53:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, and that means that your body is just gonna try to solve this problem in another way. So, yeah, I guess, what is it? Is it Chris Williamson? My buddy Chris, or maybe Lane Norton, Dr. Norton, says, like, "Your healing is in the work that you're scared or afraid or unwilling to do." That, there is no quick solution. Dealing with anxiety is really taking a life inventory and sitting with people and saying things out loud. Dealing with grief takes months or years, and you have to be brave and say it out loud. As the woman in this show earlier, who's dealing with schizophrenia, takes tons of stops and starts and painful experiences and decisions you wish you could have back

• 54:27Dr. John Delony?

  and broken relationships to finally exhale and plateau on a place where now I've gotta do the work the rest of my life. Man, getting well is an adventure. And just, anyone who tries to sell you a hack to that is just selling you that. Hacks are not real. Stay with us and just remember, you're worth the long journey. Love you guys, bye.