168: Why You Spiral When They Don’t Text Back

In this week’s episode, Sabrina breaks down what your texting patterns reveal about your attachment style and emotional triggers in dating and relationships. Through her own past text exchanges, she shares how anxious thoughts, people-pleasing, and over-explaining once shaped her dating behavior, and how she learned to regulate her emotions instead of spiraling when someone didn’t respond. Sabrina explores how rejection, ghosting, and unmet expectations often trace back to deeper wounds around self-worth and safety. She also explains how healing doesn’t mean never feeling triggered; it means recognizing those triggers, staying grounded, and choosing not to self-abandon. If texting still sends you into a loop, this episode will help you understand why and how to finally break the cycle. Ever felt that rush of panic when someone takes hours to text back? The tight chest. The spinning thoughts. The sudden urge to delete your last three messages and throw your phone across the room. That isn’t you being “crazy.”That’s your nervous system reacting to what it thinks is danger. Because your brain can’t tell the difference between rejection and getting punched in the face. In this episode, we’re talking about texting anxiety, what’s really happening inside your body when you’re waiting, overanalyzing, or trying to say the “right” thing. And if you’re ready to take this deeper, join me live on November 6th for my masterclass: Texting Anxiety: How to Calm Your Body Before You Hit Send. You’ll learn how to work with your body instead of against it, and finally stop letting what happens on your phone control how you feel.🎟️ Save your seat at https://masterclass.sabrinazohar.comBecause you don’t need to care less. You just need the right tools to feel safe again. Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course HERE! Enrollment for The Self Love Course, The Nervous System Course, and The Break Up Course is now closed. For your continued education and growth, please explore The Foundation Course, which is currently available. Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:31Speaker 01

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• 1:00Sabrina Zohar?

  Hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi, babies. Welcome back. It's Friday. And today, oh, we got a special episode, y'all. I'm going to tell you more about it, but we're just going to go and say, this is telling you what your texting patterns show about your dating and relationship patterns. And I'm going to give you so much personal experience, it's ad nauseam. Guys, as always, thank you for being here. Thank you, guys, for rating and reviewing the show, sharing it with your friends, putting it in group chats. All I ask is just please speak with kindness to each other for commenting and leaving reviews and things like, we're here, you're allowed to say whatever you want. We just asked for the community to be a safe place for everybody to come to. And it's okay. Guys, as always, if you need anything, link in bio. You can join a course, you could work one-on-one, you can ask a question,

• 1:45Sabrina Zohar?

  or you can subscribe for ad-free. Some of you guys have issues with the ads, and that's totally fair. Who likes them? I pay for cable and I still have ads. But for $4 a month, you can get the show ad-free if you like. And if not, thank you for supporting our sponsors, who help us keep the show free for you guys. Guys, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Okay, I have my phone out today. And you know why? Because this past, a few weeks ago, is the time this even comes out. Ryan and I- I went to New York and it was my first time bringing somebody back to New York in general, right? Like just bringing anybody romantic back. And I think there were so many moments in New York that I wished I had had somebody like Ryan with me. And so I was super stoked. I didn't shut the fuck up about this trip before we were going and I got everything. Like for anybody who wants

• 2:28Sabrina Zohar?

  New York recs, I got you. Don't go forget to go to Ivan Ramen, go to Kiki's for Greek, go to Supermoon Bakery. There are just so many amazing places in Brooklyn and in the city that we were exploring and it brought a lot of tears for me. I cried every few blocks. At some points, I was going around being like Clem and I used to go here and Clem and I used to go there. And it was really weird for me because I was between the version that I'm becoming and the version that I was. And so I was there to see, holy smokes dude, like you really have grown a lot. Holy shit. And like at one point we were walking, because I used to live in Williamsburg, and we were walking towards the hotel and I just beelined towards my old apartment. I like, didn't even realize. It was just so conditioned in me. And for anyone watching, I'm wearing my Clem

• 3:10Sabrina Zohar?

  shirt because I got it from the bar there. But I think that the reason that this trip was so hard was because I think a part of me thought that I was gonna go back and Clem would be there. That maybe I'd wake up and this was all a dream. None of this happened and me and my baby are just sitting by the water together. And it didn't happen, unfortunately. So instead, what I did was I celebrated the fuck out of him and I just told stories and I got a new photo for anyone watching on YouTube right now. I got a new photo framed of me and him and I just promised him I was gonna make him proud. I promised that to him when he died. And so I hope if he's watching

• 3:51Sabrina Zohar?

  right now that I've done that and that I can help create safety for you guys in the same way that Clem helped create safety for me. And I'll be honest, I've been struggling really hard. I've been struggling with friendships. I've been struggling with just people in LA, with connecting with people, with going back into my old core beliefs. Like, did I do something wrong? I don't get it. What's wrong with me? And that's the reason I share this is because you're so fucking human for experiencing these types of things. I'll give you an example because that's why so- Today's episode, the reason I did it is what I just, when we were in New York, I was with my best friend, Raquel, and she's been with me since COVID, since before any of this, before I, when I was really just getting into doing the work. Like I met her right after my ex and I had kind of like separated.

• 4:34Sabrina Zohar?

  And we were going over and she was like, dude, you were in your heyday, fucking gnarly with the texting and all that. And I said, you know what? I'm gonna go through our chat and I'm gonna pull all of the text to show you guys where I came from, what I used to do. And I put it in a little bit trajectory. It starts with like the days where that weren't as great. And I don't even have those. Like that was, I'm aging myself, but that was before we were screenshotting and sending each other texts. Like this was, you know, in my early twenties, like texting wasn't that big. We were still fucking going out and meeting people. And so I don't have a lot, but I was able to find some. And the reason I also wanted to have this episode is I wanted to share a personal experience that I made a new friend and I was so excited about her. And she is somebody that I created castles in the skies before. Honestly, I didn't know why she wanted to hang out with me.

• 5:17Sabrina Zohar?

  And that was my first core belief of like, who am I? Why do you want to come meet with me? And it was like, cause my fucking brain, my mom called me an idiot this morning. She's like, stupid. And she said it with love, but my brain couldn't comprehend that that person genuinely wanted to be friends with me. And we had the best time at dinner. We had so much fun. And when I left, she and I were texting and I was like, oh my God, we should hang out again. And I personally have to rein it in and like not over give because like I can literally be out, even my friends have all been like, dude, I can see your generosity. Like I'll take a shirt off and put another one on if you say you like it. And for me, it's always been, what can I give you to make you feel loved? And after, I didn't hear from her for a couple of days. And so I text and I was like, hey, do you want to hang out? And I didn't hear from her for five days.

• 6:00Sabrina Zohar?

  And in that five days, every single thing that you guys write in happened to me. And I'm not gonna bullshit you. You know where it started? When I went to the text and I started going, hmm, but there's, the longest she's ever taken was 23 minutes to respond back to me and it's been 40 now. And I stopped myself and I was like, holy shit dude, you're on the loop already. I could see it. And for five days, I went through the phases, right? At first I was really confused and I didn't really understand it. And then I went into sadness and then into acceptance and into, hey, you know, it's okay. Like it's like dating, just because you had a really- Good time doesn't necessarily mean they did, but you know what? I was really proud of myself. I didn't create narratives. I kept saying, did I do something? Like, I can't imagine. I was looking, I'm like, I don't think I did. But I didn't start attacking myself. And I was just like, hey, you're allowed to be sad, dude. You are allowed to be bummed.

• 6:45Sabrina Zohar?

  And I let myself be sad. I didn't try to change it. And sure enough, the fucker text me this week. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God, I got a new phone. I didn't even see this. Can you want to hang out? And then I ended up seeing her. And I was like, holy shit, dude. And that's what I mean by like, somebody tried to fucking come at me today for a video I had about like, when you get anxious with texting, we have to look. It's not about the text. And they're like, you're gaslighting people. You're telling them that their gut is wrong. And it's like, no, I'm not fucking saying anybody is wrong. What I'm saying is this, if you don't get a text for one fucking day, and you already are hell in a handbasket and creating narratives and stories, then this has nothing to do with the text and everything to do with the rejection and your perception of what the space in the text means.

• 7:26Sabrina Zohar?

  Regulating, coming back to your body and understanding your triggers is going to help, whether it's actually your gut reaction saying something is off or your anxiety. Because what is at the end of the day? You come home to yourself, you regulate, you can have a conversation with this person and gain clarity. That is why I tell you guys, it doesn't matter what the outcome is. What's important is you coming home to you to assess. Because even for me, my gut was telling me, dude, you didn't do anything. My anxiety was creating these narratives and these stories. And you know what? I looked at it as I said, I'm so glad this happened. I haven't dated in three years because I'm with my partner. I haven't been triggered like this. I didn't understand that this was still a pain point for me. And I welcomed it head fucking on. Let's go.

• 8:10Sabrina Zohar?

  And when she texts me, even Ryan, he was like, she text you, didn't she? And I was like, he's like, I saw your face. And he was like, you know what? I'm happy. He was like, because you fucking deserve this. Like, you're right, you didn't do anything. And I'm so happy. He was even like, I'm so proud you didn't attack yourself. That's growth, baby. That is growth. You're allowed to have these emotions and feelings come up. You're allowed to go, wait, but I'm confused. What did I do? I'm so confused. I didn't do anything. You're right. Sometimes you didn't. And sometimes it's just the other person. You can't control that. I was ghosted by a friend recently after. Two years. I left off by saying, "Love you. Can't wait to see you." Unfollowed, haven't spoken to her in a month. Okay, what did I do? Literally, the last time I left off with her was a big hug going, "God, I love you so much. I can't wait to see you." And then that's it. Am I going to internalize that that person might be going through something?

• 8:55Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't need to make it my problem. If she wants to talk, of course, I already reached out and I'm waiting to see if this person would like to have a conversation because I genuinely have no idea what happened. But I'm not going to internalize their behavior about me. I showed up as a friend. I was always there. They literally, they were with me, next to me going, "Okay, I'll text you later." I don't know what transpired. We did text for a bit, and then after that, it was, "Okay, thanks so much." And I never heard from this person again. I know they're alive because they unfollowed me. So I understand when you get ghosted and when you get dumped. Like, I know how it feels. It feels like fucking garbage. It is a dumpster fire. But what are you gonna do with it? What are you gonna do with that situation and what happens? That's, that's it. None of us can control what other people are gonna do.

• 9:37Sabrina Zohar?

  But I can control how I show up and how I allow this to affect me. I was still sad. I was still bummed, and I tried to take ownership where I could, but I couldn't. Well, what were we gonna take ownership for? That this person was really inconsistent? That when I talk to my good friends, they're like, "Hey dude, you've had these issues." Like, "Let's, let me remind you, you've had this multiple times with this friend." And I was like, "Hey, you're right. It's okay to let people go." And if you guys want more on friendship, I have friendship episodes, whatever you guys need. So let's get on into it, because, let's get into it. So, this was the first thing I sent my best friend. And this was on a hinge conversation, and this is kind of where it all started. This was right before I moved to New York and I started changing kind of the way that I dated. So this was a hinge conversation before I moved from New York and changed the way I dated. So, and these are gonna pop up if you're watching on YouTube.

• 10:21Sabrina Zohar?

  But by the way, guys, if you're listening right now going, "Wait, this bitch has video?" Yes, I do. Come on in. You can see the new studio. I love it. But come watch us on YouTube, @SabrinaZohar. Got you. Okay. And so we'll put the chat up. So he wrote, "Yep." And I said, "Welcome." He said, "Let's hang out soon when you're free." And I said, "What do you want to do?" And he said, "I'm open to drinks, or we can be lazy and movie and wine and order in." And I said, "Oof, I should manage expectations because I'm..." Now, before I even go on, that right there should have been my inclination of, "This is not for me." Right? This is where, the reason I'm sharing you my actual text to show you that I kept going, that I didn't just walk away. I didn't just say, "I'm choosing myself." For people that think that I've always been like this, I haven't. I said, "Oof, I should manage expectations because I'm certainly not ordering in and having movie night with someone I don't know.

• 11:04Sabrina Zohar?

  Not into the casual thing, so if that's your interest, that's cool, but no need to waste either of our time." And he wrote, "LOL, that was one option. Relax. No hooking up until several dates anyways." Bull fucking shit. And I said, "I'd love to know in what world relax works on a woman." And he wrote, "You're being aggressive." And I remember I sent this to my friend and I said, "Am I taking crazy pills?" He went on and on about how I date terrible guys and I'm so aggressive and could have just said I wanted a drink. Wild. I was setting a boundary. And the reason I shared that is because, "I know bitch, I'm not the only one that's had this." "I know, I'm not the only one that has had someone on an app texting or sending or doing that makes you feel uncomfortable." I was literally talking to my client this morning and I was saying, "What is the common denominator with all of these girls that don't work out for you?"

• 11:46Sabrina Zohar?

  And he said that in the beginning, "I got a gut feeling that they're not right for me and I ignore it." And so we were exploring that of like, "Okay, what's the discomfort?" And him choosing himself felt really uncomfortable. And so now that's what we're working on. Same thing I was working on. I saw it as, "If I explain to you, you'll get it, right?" Because that was my childhood. It was being like, "Wait, I don't get it. Why does dad think we're bad kids? Maybe if I explain to him like why I'm hurt and why I'm sad, he'll get it." No, no, no. He didn't get it. And so that became maladaptive to me. I had to over explain myself to people because I was like, "Look, if I cut myself and I bleed, look, you're gonna realize I'm a human that's going through something." And rarely does that happen. Because if I have to explain that I'm going through an experience and that person can't fucking pick up on it.

• 12:27Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I always found myself over explaining and trying to go on, which leads us into the next text chain. Because that was the Hinge guy. And that was not even as bad. I used to go way into more explaining. Then we go into this one dude, blank as a dickhead is what Ryan Tech Guy marked this as. He was deflecting intimacy with humor. And so I wanted to give you another example. Now let me give you some backstory. This guy, I'm not gonna say his name, even though I almost did. This guy was the one I've mentioned to you guys before, that for eight years I was on and off. That I was, he said, "Jump," I said, "Oh, hi." I slept with him, found out he had a girlfriend, still tried to get him to like me. He was treating me so fucking poorly. And even my friend, she was like, he's a fucking narcissistic piece of shit who's not even that attractive. Didn't matter. He had a six pack and a motorcycle I was in.

• 13:09Sabrina Zohar?

  And I would always try to negotiate because he would do low effort. He wouldn't follow me, then he would respond to a story. Then he would follow me for like a week and then when we'd have a disagreement. I'll never forget, he and I were supposed to go on like a proper date. This was after my ex and I broke up and I was like, okay, now I'm single, you're single. Like, let's actually do this. We never did. And we text every day for the week. And I remember I was like so keen, so keen. Day of the date, day of the date, it's Saturday. I had had like a 20 hour week, like day, the day before, I had not slept. I was so exhausted. And so I was like, hey, today's like my first day off. I had been working like a market in Brooklyn. And so I had every weekend, I was working from nine to 11, like I was exhausted. And I was like, oh my God. And so he said, what do you want to do? And I was like, let's meet up for drinks, food, whatever, right? Like, I was like, wherever we can bop around Brooklyn, I don't really care. And he was like, okay, how's five? I said, great, five is good.

• 13:54Sabrina Zohar?

  And I even had a, I had my software hoodie. Wear software.com if you want to support a local business. I had a software hoodie and I was gonna gift it to him. Because again, that was in the time when I overgave to hope that people were gonna like me. And I remember it had his name on it and I had, I sent him a photo, I was like, can't wait to see you. I take a nap, he texts me later being like, hey, I'm here, blah, blah. Like, I'm at this place and it was like 3:30 and I said, oh, I'm so happy. I just woke up from a nap, I was exhausted. And I'll never forget, he texts me, wait, you took a nap? Why the fuck didn't we meet earlier? And I was like, um, I don't, I was just exhausted today. I was like, I just kind of needed like the afternoon to myself. That was it. He was like, I'm done, I'm turned off by this, I'm not interested in you. And I remember calling my mom, crying hysterically, hyperventilating, being like, I don't get it. I'm literally getting ready to go meet this fucking guy. But because I didn't meet when he wanted, that was the biggest inclination.

• 14:39Sabrina Zohar?

  And I overlooked it. And then that happened and then two, three years later, this happened. Not even, like two years later or like a year later than this. And I said, we were texting something and he said, plus, they're so fucking cute. Clemmy got a blue one for his eyes. And then I said, and of course I texted Clem. I said, I know this is pointless because you have a girlfriend and will probably just stroke your ego, but fuck it. I have literally not stopped thinking about you and that night. We've known each other for years, but to finally hang out and touch you is something else. I don't know why you slept with me, having a girlfriend, but there's clearly something between us that makes us gravitate towards each other. I don't expect anything to happen, but should you feel that too? I hope one day you'll speak up if it's not good, but I couldn't not fucking say it. And his response was, do you exclusively wear yoga clothes around town? Also, you're the only person I ever see out and I know so many people in the hood.

• 15:24Sabrina Zohar?

  And then he said something, I'm just making sure these are all in order. And I said, so he said, I offered personal delivery and hang. Are you offended moderately? I said, I was kidding and thought you literally wanted me to just leave and fuck off. He said, lol, delivery cuddle, is that a service? I should start for those who didn't get many hugs growing up. I said, typically a service only needed when you're single, since you have a partner who should take care of that, I'd imagine. But sure, get a business plan drafted. He said, okay, well, let's see how it goes after then and then draft. And I said, FYI, I'm not your proof of concept in case you're alluding to that. He said, nice turn of phrase. I said, I know about that all too well. He said, well, there is no related business venture. Please come get photography. I am expert. I have outfit picked out for you. Thanks. I said, sure, hope you're not, those aren't the ones from your girlfriend's house. And he said, haha, touche. I said, I don't get it. You clearly want to explore other options.

• 16:08Sabrina Zohar?

  So why do you have a girlfriend and it's mutual with me and you? And yet here we are. And he said, order of operations. Shrug. And I said, what does that mean? He said, met you second. And I said, not actually, but okay. So you met me second and that means you can't change your circumstance. You rather cheat on her than be single and try to date me? That makes sense. And he put met. It's certainly more difficult. And then put his photo with the dog. True love will find you in the end. And I said, it's sad because I actually think we'd be awesome together, but it's your life. And if you want your dog and a girlfriend who doesn't clearly satisfy you, Godspeed. He's adorable, by the way. I want you to just, after I just said those texts, I want you to listen to what I just said. How fucking, I don't even want to say this word because it sounds like I'm putting myself down. But how fucking pathetic was that? How sad did I sound trying to convince this fucking guy who was using humor to deflect?

• 16:50Sabrina Zohar?

  Who wanted to take no accountability, who kept me going and I kept going. I kept doing this for, and he broke up with her, sent me a photo of him crying, going, I never cry over anyone. Why am I sad? I then said, let's go out tonight, paid for us to go, and he stood me up. That's how I wasn't choosing myself. I was just whatever you want. Instead of looking and going, fuck this guy, you're wasting my fucking time. You have a girlfriend, I found out after we slept together. I didn't know. That's why after I was like, okay, you have a girlfriend and you slept with me? But I was so enamored in the idea. Idea of him and making it something it wasn't that I just wasn't able to just go, "Hey, this guy just doesn't have it and that is okay." And that brings me even to the next text thread of me trying to negotiate.

• 17:32Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's why I'm gonna kind of read these all to you and then we'll kind of talk about all of these. And so this was a guy that I went on one date, one date. And I had texted him, we had a really lovely time on the date. And I think we somehow got into like an intimacy conversation. And or he said, "Like, what did your parents do?" And I was telling him about my dad and the porn theaters and the gay club and everything. And then I said, you know, that's why sex is really open for me. And I have a high sex drive, so it's not something I've ever really like shamed myself on. And that's when we had the conversation. He was like, "Oh, I don't." And I was like, "Okay, well, like, what are you gonna do?" And so after the date, I say, "Hey," because he was very handsome, he was very sweet. I thought we had like, we spent like three hours together. We had a nice time. So I text him being like, "Hey, I had a really great time with you. Like, would love to see you again." And he wrote back, "Yo, sorry my roommate and I were catching up. Haven't seen him before the birthday trip. It's all good. Totally understand with the wine."

• 18:16Sabrina Zohar?

  I think I had said like, "Sorry, I was so open. I had a couple of glasses." "It's good. Totally understand the wine situation. I had a great time as well. I want to be honest, though, and not waste your time. It's probably my own insecurities and such, but I already feel the sexual incompatibility thing will be an issue. I do not have a drive like you say you do." I said, "I appreciate the honesty. Is that the only thing? Seems like an issue that can be worked on if everything else aligned. I wouldn't stop seeing you because of the opposite, so it feels a bit silly to not give it a chance if that's the real issue." "Like we chatted about, connections don't happen every day, so if you're cool not to kick it again because of hypothetical issue that may or may not arise, that's fine. I'll respect it, but goes against a lot of what we spoke about." He said, "It's not necessarily just hypothetical to me because I've been in this exact same situation and saw the issues that arose from that. That's why I do appreciate that even though you brought it up in the first place. The gap in our sexual liberation and the way we were raised with it seems pretty big to me." I said, "That's truly a bummer because it felt like we connected on a lot of important things,

• 19:01Sabrina Zohar?

  but thanks for your honesty." He said, "We definitely did, but that is an important thing as well, at least what I've experienced." I said, "I get that. It's just shitty to have a past experience that's not me brought into that one and made me an issue. I'm understanding of learning from the past, but also sucks to have someone put an old experience onto me when I'm not in that situation. Regardless, it seems like you're pretty firm on that and I'm not seeing where this goes, so we can leave it." And he wrote, "It's not just the past situations, but I agree. Best of luck with everything. I truly did enjoy our date." And you know what I sent to my best friend, to Raquel after? I sent this text chain and I said, "I deleted all my dating Apps. It's nothing but avoidant pretending they want a relationship when in reality they love the attention. I'm fucking out. I wanted to share that one specifically because I was looking to see the date. I was trying to figure out if I could see the date and it just says

• 19:42Sabrina Zohar?

  Sunday, the 17th, 2022. So I know this is before I met Ryan. And I brought that up because one, one, I identified and put that this guy was avoidant. I don't know that he's avoidant. I have no idea. I don't think anything that he said was avoidant. I think what he did was maybe he realized that this wasn't compatible. But I very much should have respected him and been like, hey, thanks for being honest. No worries. Doesn't work. I wish you all the best. But I had to convince. I had to understand. I had to explain because I was in that school of thought of if I explain more and I can convince them, then they're going to choose me. Instead, like it's cringe, right? Reading back all of these and like, oh, oh, baby. No wonder I wasn't having great experiences. But look what that was saying about the relationships that I was having, that I

• 20:27Sabrina Zohar?

  was hyper focused on. I need to over explain myself. I need them to validate me. I need to, I need them to choose me. Well, no wonder I wasn't having the relationships like I have now. No wonder I wasn't meeting the right people. It's like, how could I have? Okay, so this next one, this was a date. The irony, I'm not going to say like specifics about it, but the irony was I had bought a product from this guy that he had made like 10 years prior on Kickstarter. That was, it was wild. And I was like, no way. You're the founder of that. I was like, I used it every day for like three years. So it was just a small world. But this to me was a great example of treating dating like a performance review. Because I had talked to this guy about a joke on the date. I said, I wish there was an app, like a dating app where we had report cards where after you could tell somebody like what it is that you liked, the pros, the cons, how you felt,

• 21:11Sabrina Zohar?

  and blah, blah, blah. And this guy was the first person to ever tell me about the nervous system. I remember on his profile, he said, like a sign of a great first date. I have a calm, central nervous system. Central nervous system was not the correct usage, but nervous system. And I remember being like, huh? And that was the first time I was like, oh, I didn't like a nervous system that's calm around somebody. I was like, I don't really understand that. And I started to learn. So the report card, he sent it to me at report cards as follows. Pros, confident, smart, really organized. I tell you why this is appropriate in person. A doer, go getter. We had a good flow. Resilient. Sexual appetite seems in alignment.

• 21:40Sabrina Zohar?

  What I was saying, I talked about sex a lot on dates because I wanted to make sure I wanted to connect in another way, thinking I could be the cool girl. I fucked my partner on the first date, so I'm not saying that you can't, but you can see the pattern. Open to share life experience is good and bad. Cons, we don't live in the same place at present. This week overwhelmed me back from commitment to future catch-ups. When I asked, even though I wanted to, would you see them again? Would love to. Additional report card. This would be shared with the person, more of a check-in with myself. How did you feel before and during after the date? In the moment, there was chemistry and we were immediately bantered, which was stimulating. She challenged my words a few times, which was intriguing, but I felt like it was a good trait to challenge, rather. Then assume, left the conversation feeling heard and nourished, hyped for her optimistic self, nervous system was chill. I'll never forget, we had that great date and we left. I don't think we kissed, we didn't do anything. It was just a hug, goodbye.

• 22:23Sabrina Zohar?

  And we were texting briefly and then I saw him walking down the street and I was on with my mom. And instead of texting my mom saying, oh, I just walked by him, I text him. Sure did. And I had to sit there with my tail between my legs. Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so sorry. My mom and I were talking. She asked me if I'd been on a date. I had to play it off. But I wasn't. I wasn't doing a very good job. Then we're like texting, we're having this bullshit banter. And I think after I had sent the screenshot by accident, he wrote like, hey, so sorry, been super busy. Fine. Then I text him and I said, hey, I'm sensing a shift in our dynamic and I haven't heard from you, so no words leads me to believe we won't be pursuing this. Am I reading that correctly? And he wrote, hey, I've had the double whammy last week, emotionally dysregulated from BP partner breakup and coming to terms with brutal realities in a relationship with a friend that I was relying on.

• 23:08Sabrina Zohar?

  I didn't expect this to happen and thought by this stage I would have gotten into a clear air, but it's still dragging me down. Haven't even responded to parents that I was grieving, da, da, da. Thought about you this morning. Whilst I would love to hang out again, now isn't the time to be bringing it into my life. I can't give what's needed. I wish this was a month ago and I was in relaxation autopilot before, business before I decided to start again. And I remember even just like, do you know how many of those I was scrolling through? Do you know how many messages I had of like, hey, that was so much fun. You're fucking awesome. How I'm so great. But I'm not feeling it. I'm just not ready. Do you know how many? I counted like 18. My ex came back and I was like, of course, how convenient. Your ex just came back when you meet someone that you claim you really liked? Crazy. What small world timing? And I put that In there because one, it was very performative, right?

• 23:52Sabrina Zohar?

  This person was trying to get me to like them, was trying to show up in a way. And it just wasn't really, I really should have just left it at this person's making excuses and they're not putting in the effort, but instead I kept going and I kept going. Even so, this was a guy who ghosted me. He had said, just want to let you know, sorry, things didn't go our way. The way you reacted when you were stressed. So mind you, back up. I went on a date with this guy the night before Shark Tank or like two days before Shark Tank. And I was sent home. I was sent home from Shark Tank and I went through a depression. So needless to say, when he texts me on Friday, how was Shark Tank? My response was, I didn't fuck it go and I'm in a depression. And I remember he was so flippant and rude and I never, like neither of us ever answered. So this was the first text from him that I got. Listen to the accountability. The way you reacted when you were stressed was just bad timing, I think.

• 24:37Sabrina Zohar?

  You're a good person who just has to put yourself first. Hope your clothing brand is going well and your mom's doing better. And I said, this feels random and left field. I'm sure where this came from. I hadn't spoken to him in two months. And he said, thought about you today and felt like I needed to clear the air. And I said, that's commendable that you wanted to clear the air, but you're putting things on to me. When what it was, was that you weren't supporting and then bailed on plans because you were hungover. That was it. It was like the day after Shark Tank, he was supposed to see me. Then he bailed because he said, I'm hungover and he never, he was supposed to then come and meet me for coffee to talk. Never showed up, called me, had a three minute conversation, saying he's hungover and was upset that I was upset. These are the people that you get to walk away from because that was rejection being redirection. When something ends, look at it as the universe, God, or whoever is doing you a fucking favor to remove these people out of your life.

• 25:21Sabrina Zohar?

  The more you try to hold on to people, the more you are self abandoning, hoping you are going to get chosen by somebody else. I know it sucks. I know it feels shitty, but take the fucking shine off these people and allow people to show you who they are. Believe them and put them in the right place in your life where they fucking belong. And then we're going to end it, right? Because I don't need to bore you guys with all my texts. This is where I started to change the way I was dating and you can start to see, I was recognizing the patterns, but I couldn't really break them yet. And I said to my best friend, how predictable are we? She said, it's sad, like know how I am with it, a fucking turtle. I said, it's, it is, but I also wanted to assess his behavior to see what he does. I don't want to push for a trip and then come back and feel shitty because he isn't proactive. I'm trying to learn. She said, yes, I agree with you. I want him to be so. Fucking smitten that with you that he treats you like a queen because Utah guy can never

• 26:03Sabrina Zohar?

  happen again to you. Told you about him. I said, yes, I deserve only that and nothing else. And no, thanks. I'm good. I don't want to be with someone who's not as stoked to see me and plan a trip as I am and spend time as I am. If he doesn't reciprocate, that's fine. I'm out. She said, yes, I completely agree. See and feel the energy in his FaceTime call. I said, for now, I'm observing his behavior. I don't want to bring up the trip and we'll definitely see what he says and how the FaceTime goes. It's all me looking right now. She said, exactly. Be chilled and relaxed and nonchalant. It's going to motivate him. I love my best friend, but that's terrible advice. I said, yeah, I have a rule plan. If by Sunday, he doesn't plan a trip or put more effort, then I'm stepping back and I'm not doing this. I'll give him the freedom and time, but otherwise, I won't waste more of my time and money. And she said, love this plan. I said, mama's learning. If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no. Come and get it or lose it. And you know why I added that in there? That wasn't serving me. That wasn't

• 26:47Sabrina Zohar?

  serving me. You notice how be nonchalant, be nonreactive, be cool. It'll motivate him more. I played a game. And then I said, oh, well, I'll let him still do whatever he wants. You notice how I never really stood up for myself. I didn't really go, hey, this doesn't work for me. I'm out. I did when he came and I realized that like, it ain't it. And I'm grateful that I had that experience. But I wanted to even just show, because a lot of you guys will say like, what's wrong with me? I know all of this. And it's like, there's nothing wrong with you, dude. You're not broken. There is nothing to fucking fix. But at the end of the day, we have to look and say, if you're struggling with texting in your dating and relationships, then we have to look at the depth and the quality of the relationships that you're having. I know for me, when I was begging people to validate me, when I was hoping that they were going to answer,

• 27:29Sabrina Zohar?

  when I was texting them 10 times in a row, when I was over explaining myself, because I wanted someone to see me and to validate that I mattered. I wanted to be somebody, something to somebody. And really where I learned and all of this came and how it culminated full circle was I've done all of this work and I still felt that when I had the perception of being abandoned via text. And you notice how I didn't shame myself, I didn't blame myself. I'm not going to put myself down. I'm not going to ridicule myself, because it's part of healing. Healing doesn't mean that everything goes away. Healing means that you learn to live with these emotions and feelings and that they don't take over and you expand your window of tolerance, which is what you can allow. What you can allow before you get super dysregulated up or down. That is why we do this work. And the reason I Wanted to have this episode and to share it. One, yay, we're doing a masterclass on this.

• 28:13Sabrina Zohar?

  So like, let me help you guys more in ways that you need. But two, to show you that I was where you are. You can absolutely grow, evolve, change. You just need the right tools. What are we doing when this happens? How are you showing up for yourself? How are you speaking to yourself? I know a lot of, I'll ask my clients, like, what parts do you not feel lovable? And they'll be like, well, this part, and she's so stupid. Or they're so dumb. And I'm like, okay, and imagine if you came into our session and that's the first thing I said to you was like, you're fucking moron and you're stupid. Would you feel supported? No, so then why are you talking to yourself like that? And that's what I kept catching myself when I perceived that I was getting ghosted was, hey dude, you don't need to be an asshole to yourself. You don't need to put yourself down. You can show up for yourself without doing what your parents did to you or your caregivers or whatever it is, by motivating you via shame. That hasn't worked for a long time. So why do we keep using it? Well, patterns.

• 28:59Sabrina Zohar?

  It's maladaptive. And the reason I wanted to have this episode is to show you, you're not fucking crazy. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a human. Texting causes anxiety for a lot of people, but what are you gonna do with it? You can say, well, they're avoidant, or they're this, or they're this. You can self diagnose, you can diagnose them. You can do whatever you want. Is that helping you? How did it help when I said, I'm fuck these avoidants? I'm done. How did that help? When that guy, on the contrary, he was the exact opposite. He wanted to genu, he was saying, I don't think this is gonna work. And he had every right to say that because that's the point of dating. And I took that as rejection and I internalized it and fuck all these people. When it was really just, the guy wasn't wrong. I don't think he was. I don't think we would have been compatible. I was alright, but it took me a minute. And I just wanted everyone to know that wherever you are on the journey, whether in a relationship

• 29:43Sabrina Zohar?

  or single, it doesn't matter, that this is really human and real. And that it's okay, that just because it doesn't show up with one person and it shows up with someone else, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're broken. What we need to get curious about is like, where did I learn this behavior? What is the narrative in the story that I'm creating? And if you guys want more, come to the masterclass. I got you, babies. Come to the masterclass. If you wanna ask a question, you can't, you wanna write into in the trenches, if it's free and you guys are dealing with some financial shit, that's fine. There are resources for everything you guys need. I just want you to know about them. Because frankly speaking, if I don't say it, I don't do myself a service because then I don't ask for my needs to be met, which are, hey, I have to keep my business going. I need you guys to comment on the podcast. Like, this is how we keep this going. And if you're happy with this, well, then here's what I need for us to continue because we're a community. And the same goes, when you need me, bitch, I'm there for you.

• 30:28Sabrina Zohar?

  I will always show up and have your fucking back. I need you to have yours, though. I can't be the only one and I had to remind myself that this last week. And I love you and I see you and I hear you and I know this shit is fucked. Right? Like, I'm not dating, but friendships are tough and you might have amazing friends and say, "Dating is tough." That's okay. Or if you have both that are shitty, that's okay. You're a fucking human and I think it's really beautiful and courageous that you still want to do the work and that you still want to show up and that we're still here together. Because I didn't give up on myself and this is where I'm at because I didn't give up on myself. And I know that you can too. So, guys, I love you. This was so fun. I just, if you liked it, let me know. If you want more of these types of episodes where they're less about teaching and giving you the neuroscience and the psychology and more about like the

• 31:13Sabrina Zohar?

  real shit, what I went through, how I got out of it, experiences, like I'm here. Leave a comment, let me know. You can write into in the trenches at sabrina zara.com if you have an idea or if you're like, "Hey, here's a text chat." Like, send me the screenshots and let me help you guys in a way that maybe no one was there to help us when we needed it. Because you're not alone. And if you think you are, I'm here to remind you, you're not. Guys, as always, like I said, if you need anything, sabrina zara.com, link in bio. Please don't forget, rate, review the show, share it with a friend. And even if you don't like the episode, market is finished. I can't tell you how much this all means for us to be able to grow this community together because my wound is that no one hears me. And so I'm trying to be heard, but sometimes you need support in that. So, thank you, guys. And I love you and I can't wait to see you next week or to see you at the masterclass. And if you guys are listening to this when this is done, that's okay. You can still join some

• 31:58Sabrina Zohar?

  stuff. There are still going to be new courses. There's still, we're coming up with a going slow, intensive, working with me, community-like cohort. I'm so excited. So, listen and get ready for that in November, December. And guys, I'm just grateful. Thank you for allowing me to fucking make my dream come true, which is show up here, talk to you guys and build this community of safety because it's something I never had and I am over the fucking moon to be able to grow that with you and by your side as well. So, I love you, guys, and I'll see you next week.

• 32:30Speaker 00

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