Why Healing Your Past Won't Change Your Life

Katherine Woodward Thomas reveals why decades of therapy and personal development work can still leave you stuck in the same patterns. She exposes the 22 core beliefs that act as invisible glass ceilings on your potential, with "I'm not good enough" and "I'm alone" leading the pack. But here's what most people miss: healing your past will save your life, but it won't change it. The real breakthrough comes when you stop analyzing why you are the way you are and start living from the future you're meant to create. Whether you're struggling in relationships, feeling like an imposter in your career, or exhausted from overcompensating, Katherine shows you how to break free from the identity that's been running your life since childhood and step into the truth of who you really are. The Greatness Playbook: Identity Healing EditionKatherine’s books:Conscious UncouplingCalling in "The One": 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your LifeWhat's True About You: 7 Steps to Move Beyond Your Painful Past and Manifest Your Brightest FutureIn this episode you will:Identify the source fracture story that's been sabotaging your relationships, career, and self-worth since childhoodBreak free from victimization without dismissing your pain so you can finally access your creative powerDistinguish between trauma and truth so you stop letting a wounded 5-year-old drive your adult decisionsShift from healing mode to transformation mode by claiming a positive possible future that pulls you forwardOvercome imposter syndrome by recognizing where you're centered at the level of identity and consciously choosing your true selfFor more information go to https://lewishowes.com/1881For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Lewis Howes [SOLO]Jim CurtisGabor Maté Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The thing about the "I'm not good enough," and that is the most pervasive one, although the second runner-up is "I'm alone." Everything that is not working, if I'm not getting fed properly, people are ignoring my needs. If I'm aware that my mother didn't want to be pregnant with me, I might form a self-sense of "I'm not wanted."

• 0:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Whether she said it or not.

• 0:21Speaker 00

  Absolutely, and it happens in the womb.

• 0:24Lewis Howes?

  She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a New York Times bestselling author, and an internationally recognized teacher of personal transformation.

• 0:34Speaker 00

  You actually cannot progress in your life when you are making home a victimization.

• 0:40Lewis Howes?

  What if all these bad things happened to us? We were traumatized, someone hurt us, they abused us, they abandoned us. Shouldn't we feel victimized?

• 0:48Speaker 00

  So you want to look at how is the source of it? Who was I being that allowed that to happen? Now, you have to kind of put your big girl, big boy panties on and really show up for yourself.

• 0:56Lewis Howes?

  It's hard to create from a victimhood is what it appears.

• 0:59Speaker 00

  You can't create a victimhood. The first entry to creativity is getting a victimhood.

• 1:07Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. I'm very excited about our guest. We have the inspiring Katherine Woodward Thomas in the house. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a New York Times bestselling author, and an internationally recognized teacher of personal transformation. She's spent decades helping people clear emotional blocks, align their inner world, and consciously create the life and relationships they desire. And I'm excited that you're here because the last time you were on was over a decade ago, and it was such a powerful conversation to help people heal. And you have a new book out called What's True About You? Seven Steps to Move Beyond Your Painful Past and Manifest Your Brightest Future.

• 1:48Lewis Howes?

  And the first thing I want to ask you, Catherine, is about why so many people don't feel like they are enough? You have these different core beliefs that you talk about in your book that block people from manifesting their greatest future and from feeling enough. Why do you think one of the biggest core blocks that holds people back is "I am not good enough"? Where does that come from? And how can we start to overcome that?

• 2:19Speaker 00

  Well, when we're young, our...

• 2:24Speaker 00

  Task is to form a sense of self and to understand who we are for others and where we fit into this world. And so when you're young and you can't do things for yourself and you have parents who are trying their best or, you know, overburdened or whatever. And so there may be older siblings who can do things that you cannot do. There's a lot of ways that we would get the message. Somehow I'm small. Somehow I don't have the power that I need to do the things that I would need to do. I can't get what I want. Also, children take on the emotional troubles of their parents. So if their parents are depressed and they can't fix their parent

• 3:08Speaker 00

  or their parent is an alcoholic, they can't fix that. They don't internalize it. They don't have the cognitive, we didn't have the cognitive capacity to recognize the situation with any kind of complexity or holistic understanding that, oh, my mother needs AA or my parents are having money problems. It became who I am. That somehow I am inadequate here. I cannot help this situation. I cannot do anything in this situation. I am too small. I am too insignificant. But there are also, so these are what I call relational wounding. The I'm not good enough is in relationship to someone.

• 3:47Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting. So it's, you have to feel I'm not good enough based on what someone else thinks of you or says about you or your interpretation of what they think or say about you.

• 3:57Speaker 00

  Your interpretation

• 3:59Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  of what they must feel about you. All beliefs have three components to them.

• 4:06Lewis Howes?

  Okay, what are they?

• 4:07Speaker 00

  We're a little unsophisticated. We'll say, okay, I think I'm not enough. But what that means really is that when I'm with others, what I'm projecting onto others is that others are better than me? Or that others don't value me? And then also, there's a projection onto life that somehow I'm insignificant, that no matter what I do, I cannot get ahead. I have to do twice as much for half the reward. So there's a whole worldview that's centered on who I am, what is or is not possible for me, how other people are going to treat me, or how other people will feel about me. The thing about the "I'm not good enough," and that is the most pervasive one,

• 4:50Speaker 00

  although the second runner up is "I'm alone," particularly in America, where we, you know, kind of live with rugged individualism, and we're all so separate, and we're on our little devices, which is only increasing that. But there are actually, you know, 22 of them, which I've determined are the most common ones.

• 5:07Lewis Howes?

  22 core beliefs?

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Core beliefs at the level of identity that will actually serve as the inner glass ceilings on our potentials. Now, why they get perpetuated is what's interesting to me, right? So that's where they come from. We're forming identity before we have the cognitive capacity to understand the complexities of what's happening around us. So everything that is not working, if I'm not getting fed properly, people are ignoring my needs, if I'm, you know, aware that my mother didn't want to be pregnant with me, I might form a self sense of "I'm not wanted."

• 5:47Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Whether she said it or not, maybe she said something about it, or maybe she just gave energy that she's frustrated with you, and you think, "Oh, she really didn't want me."

• 5:56Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 5:57Lewis Howes?

  Could be any interpretation, right?

• 5:58Speaker 00

  And it happens in the womb. There's scientific evidence, and I cite the evidence in the book. There's scientific evidence about how consciousness at the level of identity is often imprinted in the womb.

• 6:13Lewis Howes?

  Based on the mother's identity?

• 6:15Speaker 00

  Based on the mother's feeling towards the fetus.

• 6:17Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  So there's one study that, one story that I put in the book about this baby that was born that would not take her mother's breast when she was born. She refused the mother's breast. So, of course, the doctors are crazy, and they're trying to figure out what's going on. Because the mother has milk, but the baby won't drink the milk. They bring her to another mother who has milk and the baby drinks that milk.

• 6:42Lewis Howes?

  Come on, really?

• 6:43Speaker 00

  So the doctor comes to her and says, wait a minute, what's going on? What really is happening? And the mother finally admitted, well, I didn't want her. I only had her because my husband wanted her and I really want nothing to do with the baby.

• 6:55Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Because the baby knew that, as a new.

• 6:58Lewis Howes?

  Baby felt it, like the, the immune system and the nervous system felt like rejected almost probably or something.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 7:05Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Right, so, so, but the danger is, and, and what we are all struggling, because we're all like, you know, this is interesting. Like, how did these beliefs form? Where do they come from? What I'm interested in as a person who is committed to helping people to actualize their potentials, become the highest and best, most authentic version of themselves, live out loud, be like a shining star shooting through the sky in this lifetime. Like, you know, really, that's why we all came here. So what I'm interested in is, why does that pattern keep showing up over and over and over again? And that's what the book is deconstructing.

• 7:46Lewis Howes?

  Well, yes, I guess one is identifying, you know, you might be living with one of these beliefs, which is, I am alone, I am bad, I don't belong, I'm a burden, I'm crazy, I am damaged goods, I'm different, I'm disgusting, I'm not enough, I'm a failure, I'm not, I'm not important, I'm invisible, all these things.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:04Lewis Howes?

  I feel like I've felt all those at some point in my life, but it's like, every one of those, I could identify with a time where I am stupid, I'm not safe, I'm powerless, I don't matter.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:14Lewis Howes?

  I'm too much, I'm unworthy, I'm not valuable, I'm not wanted, I am wrong. I can relate to all those.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 8:21Lewis Howes?

  At some point in my life. And I can think back to when I was a child or my teens or 20, even a few years ago and say, oh, there's a point in this where, yeah, I could relate to that. Maybe I don't live into those anymore, but I can definitely relate to feeling that and not knowing how to break free from those feelings.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 8:41Lewis Howes?

  Like, first you have to identify, okay, I'm saying over and over again that no one loves me, that I'm always left behind, or I'm not enough, or I don't matter, or whatever one of these beliefs is, I'm a burden, I'm bad, I'm wrong, all these things. The first way I'm hearing you say is like, learning to identify. Of what's, you know, keeping us playing small from these feelings? And then figuring out, how do we break free of each one that we identify with? Which is really hard if you don't have the tools.

• 9:11Speaker 00

  Well, and I think people have been trying to do it for years. I mean, I became a psychotherapist kind of from the inside out, only because I was so committed to breaking free of my own unconscious false beliefs. I actually call them source fracture stories, the original break in belonging, right? The original wounding. So, and that I, I went to therapy for years and yes, it helped. Oh my gosh, it saved my life, actually, really. Cause I was a compulsive overeater. I had an addiction that was severe. I was non-functional. So, therapy really helped.

• 9:47Lewis Howes?

  Overeater, is that what you said?

• 9:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, overeater. I was a binge eater when I was in my early teens and early twenties. It was out of control. Like I was even unemployable. So, it kind of was a great thing, really, because it forced me to do my own work. I couldn't progress in life unless I handled that. So, I went to therapy. I went to 12 step programs. I did all sorts of things to try and heal it. Now, it helps to go back. You've got to grieve. You gotta, you gotta see what happened. You, you have to understand it. But after that, if you just stay stuck in analyzing why you are the way you are, which I did for years because that was all that was really available.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  You kind of solidify the self of that story.

• 10:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you stay stuck in the past as your identity, right? It's like you're staying in it rather than integrating the healing and transforming beyond it and creating a new story.

• 10:43Speaker 00

  Well, what we focus on grows.

• 10:45Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  So, if you're constantly, oh, there it is again. I'm not, oh, it's because my father and oh, it's because my mother. Actually, it is because your father, it is because of what happened and how you interpreted that and you know, and then it's how you started to show up. This is another piece of it, how we are the source of our own experience. So in the I'm not good enough, what we tend to do is we over-function, we over-give.

• 11:10Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  We do, do, do, do.

• 11:12Lewis Howes?

  That was me for a long time.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  Which then.

• 11:15Lewis Howes?

  Achieve, accomplish, or whatever it is. Yeah.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Well, and, and, and, and you start over-functioning with other people so that they start under-functioning.

• 11:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  So in a way, you're training people that your time is not as valuable as theirs. You're not really as good as them. You're more subservient to them. This is how we then enroll a relational field that validates that story.

• 11:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  Because self is not a solo phenomenon. Self is relational.

• 11:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  And so what's happening for most of us is that we're working on our issues, but we keep going back to the past. And what happens where we get stuck is that we get victimized by our own imprinting now, right? Now, my, my father was this way, and now this is how I am, and I can't get out of it. And I, we get mad at ourselves, and we don't know how to figure out to reprogram ourselves. And so we keep going backwards to do it. I did this for well over a decade, until I finally figured out when I was like around 40. And I'd been working on myself since my, you know, early twenties, okay,

• 12:26Speaker 00

  for a long time to be swimming and analyzing why I am the way that I am, and then going to school to help other people analyze why they are the way they are. It's the future that actually pulls us forward.

• 12:39Lewis Howes?

  So, so understanding the past is a good thing, but staying there is not, is what I'm hearing you say.

• 12:45Speaker 00

  That is true. It will save your life, but it won't change your life.

• 12:48Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. So we need, we can't just bypass the past and just say, oh, I'm not going to think about it. I'm just going to only focus on the future. It's almost like we need to heal the memories of the past. Makes sense and meaning of them, but then, but then say, okay, that is a different chapter of my life. And I'm creating a new chapter with a new vision and I don't have to be stuck in that belief anymore.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  But I will tell you, I have a new form of psychotherapy that I've developed and I have a group of therapists. We've been working on this together. You can actually bring that a positive possible future into your preliminary work on healing the past. Right? So in other words, it's like, I know you have a big destiny. And I know that your life has been really handicapped by this, you know, history that you have with trauma.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  The commitment is, the context of our work is, within two years, you're going to be standing on that stage. Or you're going to be in that happy relationship. Let's get to work and clear that now. So that the context is still the future. Because the future, what you initiate with the future is development. Who will I need to be in order to manifest and sustain that future? You don't necessarily initiate development in just healing the past. You look at it, you feel it, you grieve it. You know, you learn how to regulate yourself. It's not necessarily developmental in, you know, and most of us can't actualize our potential yet.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Because in being stuck in past trauma, we were actually missing certain skills and capacities that would allow us to create something other than the patterns we feel stuck in.

• 14:38Lewis Howes?

  It's probably hard to think of a beautiful, possible future. If we're stuck in past trauma as well, it's probably hard to like,

• 14:44Speaker 00

  It is.

• 14:45Lewis Howes?

  step into it for always have something kind of dragging us back or weighing us down emotionally.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:51Lewis Howes?

  It's, you know, I don't know, it's gonna be like in fight or flight trying to accomplish.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  Well, you're in non-possibility. And by that time, living in the story of I'm invisible, because you had a narcissistic parent who punished you every time you, you know, dared speak your truth, or shamed you, you know, inside of the I'm invisible, what's underdeveloped is the capacity to even recognize your own feelings, or your own needs, and then to be able to bring that forth to others and negotiate those needs with the assumption that other people might actually care about those needs if you brought them forward. That's like a whole new concept to someone with invisibility, because the invisibility projection onto others is that other people don't really care about my feelings and needs, so why would I have to tell them?

• 15:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, because every time I try to talk, they shut me down, or they don't pay attention, or it's the interpretation of what happens in relationship to others, right?

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Yes, and then there's a deeper level of complexity. I'm gonna bring it all in, because you have such a great audience who's following you and knows all this stuff already. But if you're in and on invisible, and you know that you need to speak up and tell your truths, what you might not know is that you're speaking through the filter of other people don't really care about me, and other people are selfish.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  If you ask somebody for what you need through the filter of other people don't care about me, you're gonna, it's gonna come out like, well, I want a glass of water too, you know, as opposed to, hey, honey, would you get me a glass of water?

• 16:23Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 16:24Speaker 00

  Right, which then makes people defensive, and well, get your own, right? Which, that's how we're generating our own experience through the consciousness that we're centered in.

• 16:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and you used a word earlier about enrolling people. We're enrolling people in our relationship on how we, we show up and how we communicate, based on an interpretation of our past, and based on our beliefs.

• 16:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, globalizing that. This happens a lot with I'm not safe. People feel I'm not safe. You know, so they're going into their close relationships like this. Okay, prove yourself.

• 16:57Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Because, because the projection onto others from the I'm not safe is others have ill intent, others are gonna hurt me. So this is where you get love avoidance behavior, where people crazy making, destabilizing, in, out, push, pull, long distance, you know, all that stuff, trying to manage how you can have love, but not have commitment, not have anybody too close to you because people will hurt you. So in order to really evolve beyond something like love addiction or love avoidance, you really have to get to the root of it, which is, this is the core belief, how old is that part of me? You have to differentiate your wise self from your wounded self.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Usually when we get triggered, the wounded self is in charge and running the show.

• 17:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  Right, so we have to learn how to hold and contain our own younger selves that were wounded with deep compassion, presence, love, but get that little baby buckled up in the backseat of the car and not driving the car.

• 18:01Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. That's gotta be so hard. I mean, it was so hard for me for so many years to figure out, how do I have a wise self in me when my wounds are running my life?

• 18:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:13Lewis Howes?

  And it's so hard to like, when you feel like you're suffocating, because one of these beliefs is just feels so true to you. I'm not enough, people don't listen to me, I'm wrong, I'm whatever it is. If you're, if you're just like, this is true to my core.

• 18:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:32Lewis Howes?

  Your wounds are running your life, not the wise version of yourself, not like this, you know, 10 year in the future version of you that's had all the experience. It's, it's so hard for, it was so hard for me, and it's so hard for I think a lot of people, to breathe and not feel some type of tension in their nervous system, or clenching in their throat, or pain in their stomach, or... Fear or anxiety around how is someone going to respond to me or react to me if I don't do X, Y, or Z?

• 19:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:03Lewis Howes?

  It's such a fear, if you haven't grown up with the experience of having a safe environment emotionally, I guess. So what's the process from identifying, okay, I know something is off in my life and I feel anxious sometimes, I feel avoidant, I have these patterns in relationships. Once someone is able to identify that and they know they want a greater future, they want to be able to create something more beautiful in their life. What is the process afterwards to start healing and start leading with their wise self rather than the wounded self?

• 19:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, beautiful question. Okay, so in the, the seven steps of moving beyond your painful past, where we begin is with a positive, possible future. Now, I'm not talking about a goal because goals are kind of like, to me, and this is my definition. So, you know, people could argue with me, but to me, a goal is like the best possible situation that you could imagine, given who you are and your resources.

• 20:08Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  Like what's, what's the best outcome that could possibly be predicted here?

• 20:13Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  When I talk about intention, I'm talking about, let's get right to the gold. Let's get outside of your current identity because the I'm not good enough is not going to think big enough. And the truth is that what's coded in our souls is so much grander. I mean, this is what you're waking up in people. It's why people love you.

• 20:34Lewis Howes?

  School of greatness, you know?

• 20:35Speaker 00

  School of greatness.

• 20:36Lewis Howes?

  Not the school of average.

• 20:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or the, or school of best you could think you could be.

• 20:40Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yes.

• 20:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, no, it's school of greatness. Like what is that seed of greatness, even if you have no evidence? What did you come here to create? What were you born for?

• 20:50Lewis Howes?

  Let's go.

• 20:50Speaker 00

  And yeah, let's go. So if somebody's hungry for love, I don't want you just dating better people. I want you to go for the gold, even though you've never had, you've always had crappy relationships. Go for the highest and the best. Go for like a Lewis and Martha situation. You know what I'm saying? So, so, or, or with finances. So, you know, whatever it is, your career, your self-expression, your artistry, your music, whatever it is that you have in you. Now, what I have found is when I sit with people.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  And I can see that with them as the practitioners. Why I'm creating this new form of therapy and I have a coach training too. But because the practitioner sponsors that dream. Most of us were not sponsored in our dreams. And as a matter of fact, if you kind of bring in the element of fairy tales, most of us were kind of cursed. Who do you think you are to do that? Oh, don't you do too big for your britches. Sit down, quiet, you know, you're causing too much trouble. So a lot of us were kind of cursed, fell into the spell of that curse. So we really begin with a positive possible future. There was studies, there was a study done by two women in 1986, Paulin Nurius and Hazel Marcus. And they wrote an academic paper on it about positive possible selves.

• 22:04Speaker 00

  And what they saw, now positive possible selves, it's like the best case, an Olympic gold medal winner. Or, you know, you know, the actor standing on stage receiving an Oscar. Right. Or it could be, you know, a negative possible self, which many of us have and are trying desperately to avoid.

• 22:20Lewis Howes?

  I want to be dead or go to jail or whatever.

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, homeless or whatever it is, right? But the, the, the future that we're living into, what they found is the future that we're living into actually determines our current motivation and actions even more than the past does.

• 22:38Lewis Howes?

  The future we're living into, we're dreaming about.

• 22:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 22:42Lewis Howes?

  Has more impact than what, would you say it again?

• 22:44Speaker 00

  Than the past.

• 22:45Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  So here we are doing our work on personal development, looking to past, the past, the past, the past, the past, as though there's some kind of mystery, like if I get to the bottom of all of it, then I'll finally be free. But it's actually the future that holds the key.

• 23:00Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. So claim a positive possible future, even if it just seems like the craziest idea, think about it.

• 23:07Speaker 00

  Especially if it's the craziest.

• 23:08Lewis Howes?

  And claim it, how do we claim it? Is it a way of writing it down, speaking into existence, is it thinking about it?

• 23:14Speaker 00

  It's an intention, it's a visioning practice, like what does it feel like? You know, we bring the future into the present. We're all starting to get hip to this mental rehearsal of seeing yourself. Obviously athletes and musicians have been doing this for years. So you bring the future into the present and it is ace. I mean, for some people who live in a very small identity, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy is a big one. I'm not worthy. Just the idea, like just trying to get the idea of I have a million dollars just sitting in my bank account that I don't even need. For somebody who isn't, I'm not worthy. You feel like you're on a, you're being, your identity is stretched on a rack. Right? So we sit with that.

• 23:57Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  We open ourselves up to it. We open our receptivity and then we bring it in like a, like our imagination. What does it look like, feel like, sound like, taste like? Who am I here? How are others relating to me? What's the intention that I could set that would initiate what I call a future pull? I think that was a Wayne Dyer originally created a future pull that begins to inform my development in the direction of that dream.

• 24:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, in my decision making today.

• 24:31Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 24:32Lewis Howes?

  Cause in order for that to be possible, I have to start doing things differently, thinking differently, acting differently, different routines, different habits, right? It's like, you can't be living based on the past story anymore. It's towards a possible future.

• 24:45Speaker 00

  Yes. You're living into the self of your future. I mean, this is the practical way that this looks like. So back in my thirties, when I first started to discover this, I was so shy. I could not look people in the eye. I was painfully shy. Obviously I had problems making friends. You know, I, I, I couldn't really get work that I wanted. I mean, life was not working for me. I'd been like, kind of screwing up for many years, trying to figure myself out. I really hadn't had any successes, but I started to have this, what I thought at the time was this bizarre sixth sense. And I remember even telling my mother at one point, I think I'm going to be talking

• 25:30Speaker 00

  to thousands of people one day. This is even before the internet.

• 25:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  Right? Like, how is that going to happen? Like, you never know the how to. You can't get stopped by the how to. So I didn't know how to create something like that. I wasn't even sure I wanted something like that. That was just my sense, like that's the future that's calling me. We have to tune into that. Instead of dismissing it, I took it seriously. And the only thing I could think to do was to start articulating, you know, who I was in that future. I am a world-class leader of love.

• 26:05Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  I'm a world impacting, you know, hundreds of thousands of people to awaken and to expand their hearts to love. That was what I did at the time. And then I practiced walking down the street from that center. And I remember going into Starbucks. Now, my usual way of ordering my morning coffee was, um, I'll have a, a, a latte, please.

• 26:29Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  My little shy way. Walk in. I'll have a, a grande latte, please.

• 26:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just, just try on a new way of being.

• 26:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  Right? Because so much of it is like where we're centered at the level of identity is informing who we're being. So that's how I started to discover that that's how you begin to find your way to that future. And then what's that going to require of me? Well, at the time, I made a very good decision. Thank goodness. I thought, well, I don't know how I would even begin on that, but I do know that if I'm going to be speaking to thousands of people, I better make sure I have something to say.

• 27:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Right? So then wisdom became my north star, like.

• 27:09Lewis Howes?

  Get some wisdom. Yeah, exactly.

• 27:10Speaker 00

  Let's get some wisdom here.

• 27:12Lewis Howes?

  But the first step is not thinking about the past, is actually claiming a positive, possible future.

• 27:18Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 27:18Lewis Howes?

  And the second step is to name your source fracture story. Is that essentially the first time you felt wounded that caused the belief for you?

• 27:27Speaker 00

  So in every area of life, we tend to have one specific source fracture story that's really holding us back.

• 27:36Lewis Howes?

  One moment, one instance, not like, someone might have a lot of things that happened to them.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 27:41Lewis Howes?

  But you're saying one kind of core?

• 27:43Speaker 00

  I am.

• 27:44Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  I am not good enough to do that.

• 27:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:47Speaker 00

  That becomes the core identity in that area.

• 27:50Lewis Howes?

  I know mine, yeah. It's being sexually abused when I was five.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 27:55Lewis Howes?

  Because that was like the first memory that I have.

• 27:58Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 27:58Lewis Howes?

  And then it was just like, oh, I'm not lovable, I'm not enough, I'm abusable, all these things, right? It's like, and then it was almost like I've. Emotionally found that in every other area of my life. Until I was about thirty. Until I was like, oh, I'm. I'm living in this kind of. What you call source fracture story wound still. And I'm driven. To kind of overcome that wound, but I haven't healed it yet. I'm driven to try to like feel enough to feel worthy by accomplishing and getting bigger and stronger and all these different things.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Right. Well, the overcompensating is a big deal. Driven to overcompensate.

• 28:37Lewis Howes?

  But it still didn't feel enough.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  It doesn't do it.

• 28:40Lewis Howes?

  So it's like, what am I, you know, and it was like, why don't I still feel enough when I'm accomplishing all these things? It's like I had a big future. But I wasn't able to heal the past still.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Right.

• 28:49Lewis Howes?

  So it's kind of masking the.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Well, I think that's where people are. That's why people are frustrated.

• 28:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 28:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:55Lewis Howes?

  Exhausted too.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, and exhausted. Because you can't work hard enough to get over that.

• 28:59Lewis Howes?

  No, no.

• 29:00Speaker 00

  You can't analyze it enough to get over it.

• 29:02Lewis Howes?

  Can't outrun your past.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  You can't. But what you can do. Is you can isolate it. With the simple question. How old are you, sweetheart? You, the adult.

• 29:15Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  Who has wisdom. And depth and capacity. Can turn to yourself and say, sweetheart, how old are you? And where are you in my body?

• 29:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Now there's two of you in the room.

• 29:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 29:30Speaker 00

  And what we want to make sure is that you're not taking action from the wounded self because you'll only create more evidence.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  And learning how to then begin to mentor. That younger self. And the first way you do it is to say. I'm sorry for not loving, I'm sorry for not loving you in the way you need to be loved.

• 29:50Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 29:51Speaker 00

  You repair that within yourself because the. The source fracture story gets played out in the relationship with the self. I'm sorry, sweetheart, for abusing you. Some men are uncomfortable with sweetheart, you know.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Little Lou or.

• 30:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:07Speaker 00

  Whatever, what do you, buddy or.

• 30:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:09Speaker 00

  Son, son.

• 30:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:11Speaker 00

  But let me just tell you.

• 30:12Lewis Howes?

  Go ahead.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  If people can't locate their adult self. Think about who you are for friend in need.

• 30:18Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 30:19Speaker 00

  You are that person already for other people.

• 30:22Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 30:23Speaker 00

  Think about the parent you are.

• 30:24Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Think about the leader that you are at work.

• 30:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, great. We have, I mean, for people that are coming for the first time, it might sound weird that you're thinking there's two people in the room, but I've talked about this a lot in terms of like, if people understand the internal family systems and it's like the different parts of you and who have had these types of conversations, uh, similar types of conversations. So I hopefully my core audience would understand this concept. But if someone's coming for the first time, they're thinking, what are they talking about? There's two parts of you and one person. You know, we, we have these wounded parts of us from childhood, the psychological memory within our body that when I get triggered from something based on a wounds, and if I'm not aware of it and catch myself, I'll react

• 31:09Lewis Howes?

  based on the wound versus respond based on the wisdom, like you said, that wiser part of me. And so it's just learning how to respond to things that might trigger us from the wisest version of us, from the higher version of us, rather than from the wounded version of us, is what I'm hearing you say. And that's what, you know, Catherine's talking about here is when you're coaching a friend who maybe is going through a bad dating experience, and let's just say the guy's not whatever, being attentive or not being kind or cheating on the girl, your girlfriend or whatever it might be. And you give that person advice and say, you're better than this. You deserve more, you know, create a boundary, leave this guy, whatever it might be.

• 31:52Lewis Howes?

  But if you, sometimes we don't know how to do that for ourselves, but we can coach someone else. And so what I'm hearing you say is learning how to coach the wounded version of us inside of us and how to calm down and how to say, hey, I've got you. I'm here for you. You're safe. I'm parenting you essentially. I'm, I'm coaching you. I'm mentoring you. And let's make a better decision together from a safer space. That's what I'm hearing you say.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  Beautiful.

• 32:20Lewis Howes?

  It's hard for people to understand that. Like if you told me this when I was 25, I'd be like, you're crazy. What is this like? Just tell me how to make money. You know, just tell me how to like get the girl. Tell me how to do something else. Cause I'd be too afraid to address the parts of me that didn't feel enough. And I'd be too afraid to even speak them out loud that people thought I had a weakness. And I think there's a lot of specifically men in the world that are afraid to even speak out loud. That they have one of these beliefs that I'm bad. I don't belong, I'm a burden, I'm crazy, I'm damaged goods, whatever it might be. And I think the faster we can name our source fracture story and go through these seven steps you talk about,

• 33:03Lewis Howes?

  the better our life will be in manifesting faster anything we want.

• 33:08Speaker 00

  Well, wherever we're centered at the level of identities where we're generating our whole lives from, there's a lot at stake here.

• 33:14Lewis Howes?

  Say that one more time.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  Wherever we're centered at the level of identity is where we're generating our lives from. So there's a lot at stake. I can tell you a story. You know, sometimes stories help to integrate the concepts, right? So, um, these ideas have really been informed by my privilege of teaching tens of thousands of people in live interactive classes since 2007. I don't think there's many people who can say I've had

• 33:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:43Speaker 00

  the opportunity to teach 60, 70,000 people in live classes where there's interactive coaching and people writing and stuff. So it's been, I'm a clinician, right? It's on the court and I'm a transformational teacher. I didn't do that as a psychotherapist. I did it as a teacher, but these ideas are big ideas. And they're actually, they could actually turn psychotherapy into a new direction for those who are ready to move into a future forward focus and start to really take these ideas and work with them and see how quickly the work goes when you have the context of a positive, possible future. And when you're willing to help your client to understand themselves as the source of the patterns.

• 34:29Speaker 00

  And get off of the victimization, like take a zero tolerance for victimization, which doesn't mean they weren't victimized.

• 34:36Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 34:36Speaker 00

  Okay, it's just the most powerful place to be standing in life for those of us who are fierce about getting over this, right? So, so yes, you were victimized and let's not make a home of it.

• 34:46Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 34:47Lewis Howes?

  What happens if we make a home of being a victim to things we are victimized by?

• 34:52Speaker 00

  You just don't progress. You actually cannot progress in your life when you are making a home of victimization.

• 35:01Lewis Howes?

  What if something really bad happened to us? We were traumatized, someone hurt us, they abused us, they abandoned us, they left us, we're dead, they stole from us, they robbed from us. What if all these bad things happened to us?

• 35:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:12Lewis Howes?

  Shouldn't we feel victimized and pity and have everyone, and have everyone help us?

• 35:19Speaker 00

  It's not an either or. Yes, you were completely victimized, but victimization has two, two parts to it. One is, who was I being, you know, that allowed that to happen? Now, that, that's canceled in any childhood situation. Okay, cancel, cancel. You were never, ever, ever responsible for anything when you were a kid. But, you know, who was I being on, you know, in that relationship that this person became so, you know, ended up cheating on me?

• 35:46Lewis Howes?

  As an adult.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, as an adult. That's a smart question to ask yourself. Okay, so what, what might my three percent be?

• 35:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:53Speaker 00

  In conscious on a couple of people are so angry when they're getting, you know, separated, so much the other person's fault, they just say ninety-seven percent then, what's your three percent?

• 36:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Okay, so you want to look at how is the source of it, but.

• 36:06Lewis Howes?

  And even if you were a kid and you were victimized and abandoned and abused, and it wasn't your fault, why is it not worth it staying in victimhood as an adult?

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Well, the second part is who will I be in the face of it? Okay, that's the second part of none. It's just the refusal to be in reaction to life because we really want to be creators of life. And most of us are stuck in, are stuck in the being in reaction to life, which means we're not going to be able to generate the miracles that we came here for.

• 36:39Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  Okay, so that's why. So you have to, you have to kind of, you know, put your big girl, big boy panties on and really show up for yourself.

• 36:47Lewis Howes?

  Because it's hard to create from a victimhood, is what I'm hearing you say.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  You can't create from victimhood. The, the first entry to creativity is giving up victimization.

• 36:55Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. And you're not free if you're a victim.

• 36:58Speaker 00

  You're never free. The other person is bigger than you. They have the power over you.

• 37:03Lewis Howes?

  Or the, or just the interpretation of the moment or whatever happened that you felt abandoned or abused or neglected or whatever it might be, right?

• 37:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:11Lewis Howes?

  That's

• 37:11Speaker 00

  And those feelings are valid.

• 37:13Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 37:13Speaker 00

  Okay, so that's where we, you have to, you have to, you have to hold the complexity.

• 37:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Where you sit with yourself.

• 37:18Lewis Howes?

  And how long do you stay in victimhood? You know, it's like when you've been traumatized.

• 37:21Speaker 00

  You know, whenever it comes up, it comes up and you, and you have to just turn towards yourself and you say, yeah, that hurt. Yeah, that was really crappy.

• 37:28Lewis Howes?

  And if I want to have a positive possible future, I can't stand that.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:33Lewis Howes?

  Right? It's like, yes, that happens.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  Well, the context is, so the, the, the context of a positive possible future will give you a way to hold your challenges now in a way that's noble, that, that makes them bearable. Because you know, the, the whole thing about a positive possible future also, you want to have a meaningful why in your positive possible future. If, if you're just in it for yourself, it's okay. But, but if, if you see that you're modeling for your kids or you care about the next generation on the planet.

• 38:02Lewis Howes?

  Service to others is everything, yeah.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  Service to others is everything. So then you're going to go farther, you know, in, inside of your resolve. Okay, well, I'm going to see this. This is what we're all learning now, how to be stronger, how to be wiser. This is my teacher of love. You know, some of us have very dark gurus in our lives, people who really betrayed us, really hurt us. And you know, on some level, you think about, okay, what, they woke me up. I will never give my power away to another narcissist. That won't happen again.

• 38:29Lewis Howes?

  Painful though, you know?

• 38:30Speaker 00

  Ooh, yeah. Life, life lessons, man.

• 38:33Lewis Howes?

  So we got to name your source fracture story. Would that be like me naming the time I was sexually abused and be like, okay, naming this?

• 38:42Speaker 00

  What the I am. So you're not going back into the trauma. It's looking for the identity you formed.

• 38:47Lewis Howes?

  One of those 22.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not loved.

• 38:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'm not, I'm not a love. I'm not a love.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  I'm not lovable. I'm not lovable. Other people don't love me.

• 38:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:57Speaker 00

  And, uh, life is pretty barren when you're not loved. I mean, it's just kind of, you can't really expect much out of life.

• 39:03Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 39:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:04Lewis Howes?

  So it's naming your source fracture story and then waking up.

• 39:07Speaker 00

  And then mentoring that part.

• 39:09Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  Step three then.

• 39:10Lewis Howes?

  Having a relationship with yourself.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  Step three then is then from the wise self. You you actually tell the truth because what we distinguish, you've got to distinguish trauma from truth. And you were talking about when it happens, it feels true.

• 39:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  So the first thing you say to yourself is, sweetheart, that's not true. That's trauma.

• 39:32Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  I'm so sorry you were wounded like that.

• 39:35Lewis Howes?

  Wow, yeah.

• 39:35Speaker 00

  But that's not true about you.

• 39:38Lewis Howes?

  How do you believe something is not true about you when it feels so true?

• 39:43Speaker 00

  Well, you have to really kind of, you know, look for the evidence of it. There are parts of us that know that the story isn't true. And it can be, you know, psychedelics are all about this, right? Trying to wake people up out of the trance of the identity. And they, and it can be big and lofty, and it can certainly be, you know, you can go off into spirituality. We're all children of God or whatever, but it has to be related to the actual story that was created by that younger part of the self. You can't just split off and just have a new identity over here. This part of you needs rescuing, truthfully. There was no adult there, Lewis, who was able to sit to you with you within 24 hours and say,

• 40:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, no.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  Honey, I'm so sorry that happened.

• 40:27Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 40:28Speaker 00

  You are so loved. You are safe now.

• 40:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:30Speaker 00

  We've got you. You're OK.

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  Even with that, you might still be traumatized.

• 40:34Speaker 00

  You might still.

• 40:35Lewis Howes?

  And still need to be reminded over and over.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 40:37Lewis Howes?

  And have a healing journey.

• 40:39Speaker 00

  Right. So what?

• 40:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  So what happens?

• 40:41Lewis Howes?

  Feeling safe, yeah.

• 40:41Speaker 00

  Absolutely. And what happens is when we get triggered, our own adult goes out the window.

• 40:47Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm. Yeah.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  And there's still no adult presence to wake us up. So it's almost like you've got to be your own fairy godparent and come down. You look Glenda the witch.

• 40:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:58Speaker 00

  Or whoever the warlock, you know? You've got to come down with love and you've got to find. Now, I'll tell you another story that showed me how easy this could be, actually. So I was sitting in my twenties and I had, I was a wannabe actor in New York, you know? And obviously, nothing really worked for my life. So I had a lot of rejection, a lot of failure, and I was waiting tables. And I had this great group of people I was waiting tables with. A couple of them are still my friends today. And one of them was named Billy. And I had a really bad audition that day. I'm sitting there complaining and crying and, you know, crying over my wine. It was after the shift was over, I was drinking wine and I'm crying and nothing's ever gonna happen for my life. I'm never gonna make anything of my life.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  It's over, you know, I was crappy again today. And Billy reaches across the table. He takes my hand and he says, "I'm so glad you're facing it now, Catherine." And I grabbed my hand away. I said, "How dare you say that to me?" He said, "Thank you." What was the part of me that was like, "How dare you say that to me?"

• 41:58Lewis Howes?

  That was the wiser self.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  That was the part that just knew, "This is the story I'm in right now." So, all of us know, there is a part of all of us that do, we know that that's not true. We're just so captivated by the emotions because the false centers have an emotion to them.

• 42:14Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  So, we have to train ourselves to step outside, to witness, to mentor, to find the part of us that actually knows a different story and to begin to work with that self. And that's where we come up with power statements. Power statements deconstruct.

• 42:31Lewis Howes?

  What's an example of a power statement?

• 42:33Speaker 00

  "I am alone. I didn't come here to be alone. I was born to love and be loved. I have the power to grow my relationships healthy, strong, vibrant, and long-lasting." Right? There's an assertion. There's a ferocity to it. It breaks up the "I'm alone." It wakes you up out of the trance.

• 42:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So, you almost have to coach yourself in that and using those statements.

• 42:58Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 42:58Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 42:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:00Lewis Howes?

  Because you talk about the next step is seeing yourself as source. What does that actually mean when you've been a victim or had bad breaks most of your life?

• 43:08Speaker 00

  This is one of the most important things that we can ever do, is to see yourself as source. Very few of us are trained in how to do it. Most of us, when we go to say, well, you know, what's my part, that 3%, will drop into shame. See, I'm just too stupid. I have bad karma. I'm too screwed up for my parents. My parents screwed me up too badly. You know, I'm just, I'm just not good enough. We'll go back into the source fracture story. So, one of the things you have to learn is how to objectively notice your own choices and behaviors without dropping into shame. The other thing that we will do is we will then, if, how am I the source of this?

• 43:53Speaker 00

  We'll go back into our psychology. Well, my sister always, you know, competed with me and so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's why I am the way that I am. No power in that story. Interesting story. You know, good to know.

• 44:06Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. There's no power for a greater future.

• 44:08Speaker 00

  No power to generate a greater future. So what we're looking for is what's your access to power? So this skill of being able to really own your choices. So, an example from my life.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  When I was looking at my patterns in love, right? But as I was first writing Calling in the One, you know, 20 years ago. And I saw, you know, my pattern was unavailability and married men. So from a psychological perspective, you know, one married guy after another was really horrible. I was horrible. So, to even do that, but that's what I was doing. And from a psychological perspective, it's just kind of like, you know, A, B, C. Cause my father left when I was young, married a woman who didn't want anything to do with me. It wasn't allowed in their home. Condition of their marriage that it wasn't part of their family. So, he used to sneak out and see me, so I'm the other woman by the age of eight.

• 45:03Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 45:05Speaker 00

  So, you kind of get it. I mean, it's very dramatic.

• 45:07Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  So, you know.

• 45:09Lewis Howes?

  You were the, you were the other mistress by the age of eight.

• 45:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:12Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 45:12Speaker 00

  You know, not a good mystery why I'm dating married men, okay? Cause I'm finding, getting my dad to choose differently, which never actually worked. But, um, so that was one way of seeing it, which gave me no access to power. The other way of seeing it, when I looked for myself, how am I the source of this? Is that I realized that inside of this deep, I am alone story, I had a corresponding belief that no one will ever really be there for me.

• 45:43Speaker 00

  So when I would date people from that perspective,

• 45:48Speaker 00

  it didn't occur to me that I needed a man who would actually be able to show up for me.

• 45:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, emotionally available and not in a relationship.

• 45:55Speaker 00

  I'm looking at chemistry.

• 45:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:57Speaker 00

  How cool is he? You know, like, what car is he driving? I don't know what I was looking, but it wasn't that. I wasn't looking at his character.

• 46:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:05Speaker 00

  None of the things that actually matter. So in owning that and seeing that clearly like, wow, I wasn't looking at the right things. There's no shame in that. And actually, it was off my radar.

• 46:18Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 46:18Speaker 00

  Right? So there's no shame in it, but that's, that was key to recreating my criteria for the man that I was looking for.

• 46:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  Right? And, and, and, and then I was able to find a man and get married and have a great relationship. And, you know, so that changed my life was seeing how I was the source of it. Cause once you identify the old way of relating how you were generating that story, you can just flip it to what's the new way of being. Okay, here's my new list. This is what I'm looking for.

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  I mean, it's, I know it's, it sounds easy to say, okay, once you're aware of the old way of being that you've been for so long, we can flip it into the new way of being. But we've lived an identity of that old way for 20, 30, 40, 50, whatever, how many years

• 47:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:06Lewis Howes?

  of that way of being.

• 47:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:08Lewis Howes?

  How do you grieve and kill off an old identity essentially? Maybe not killing off, but it's like you're shifting an entire lifetime of being and all of a sudden saying, I'm just going to be different today and I'm going to think differently. And I'm never going to go back to this old past and it's all going to be easy. Like it's hard sometimes for people to transform into a brand new person, a new identity they'd never stepped into consistently. And letting go of a familiar comfort zone, even though they might have been living in pain and suffering, it's familiar pain and suffering of an identity, right?

• 47:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:45Lewis Howes?

  And even if you step into a more powerful identity, people just don't know how to do it.

• 47:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:51Lewis Howes?

  It's unfamiliar.

• 47:56Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's better for you.

• 47:56Speaker 00

  You're absolutely right. That's exactly where people go.

• 47:58Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's better, it's unfamiliar.

• 48:00Speaker 00

  Right. So that's now you're in step six and seven.

• 48:03Lewis Howes?

  Okay, well, so we're at step five first, right?

• 48:06Speaker 00

  So five is new ways of relating.

• 48:07Lewis Howes?

  Identify new ways of relating.

• 48:09Speaker 00

  Identify new ways of relating, which you will not know how to do.

• 48:13Lewis Howes?

  You don't know how to do. You're like, I've never done this before.

• 48:15Speaker 00

  I don't know how to have boundaries.

• 48:16Lewis Howes?

  No. I don't know how to have courageous conversations. I don't know how to say no.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  I don't know how to have faith in the goodness of life.

• 48:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. I don't know how to trust people. Yeah, whatever.

• 48:25Speaker 00

  You do not know how. So it's really important that we take the how to out of it.

• 48:31Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  Okay. And just say, well, that's the new way of being because step six is to embrace a growth mindset.

• 48:39Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 48:40Speaker 00

  Okay. And that's what I was talking about before about when you have a positive possible future, it will initiate growth in the direction of that dream.

• 48:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 48:49Speaker 00

  You are not yet the person you will need to be to manifest and sustain that future. If you think back to when you first saw the vision of what you have today, Lilith.

• 48:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:00Speaker 00

  You were not the man you needed to be for that future to happen.

• 49:05Lewis Howes?

  No, but the future excited me though. And I was like, I was hungry to learn and grow and develop. And, you know, it's in two weeks, it'll be of recording this. It'll be 13 years since I launched the show. And I remember before launching the show, like a year before, and I was kind of in this transition phase. And I was like, gosh, you know, I've done a lot of things. I've made money. I've gotten out of like being broke. I've like figured this out, but I'm still not fulfilled. I didn't have like this big future beyond just not be broke and make more money. Right? That was like, it was like get off my sister's couch, make money. But then once I got there, I was like, I'm not fulfilled and my relationships are falling apart like. There's something missing.

• 49:50Lewis Howes?

  And I just kept thinking about, God, all I want to do is just sit in front of really inspiring people, learn how to be better myself, and then share that with others. And that has been every single week for 13 years, showing up and doing that. Doing it not perfect all the time and, you know, go back to my old self at times, all these different things, but it's like, I'm constantly showing up. But I remember having that vision of like, this is what I want to do. And I just want to inspire people through interviewing and, and learning as well, and sharing my story of what I'm learning. And it's just, I'm constantly doing that.

• 50:24Speaker 00

  And you're still growing.

• 50:25Lewis Howes?

  Still doing it.

• 50:26Speaker 00

  You're learning all the time.

• 50:28Lewis Howes?

  Hundred percent.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. So when you have, when you have the courage to set a bold future that's outside of who you currently know yourself to be, you can expect a jolt in the direction of growth.

• 50:41Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  Which, which by the way, doesn't, isn't always pleasant, you know? Usually the first act of creation is destruction. So things start falling apart because you've got to get rid of the structures that have been locking your old identity.

• 50:54Lewis Howes?

  Or relationships that have been.

• 50:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, relationships and or start, things start blowing up. You get fired from your job, like all sorts of shenanigans happen. Like that future is not kidding. That future wants you, right? But, but it is to recognize, but if you know that boundaries are the key to your new life. There's a lot of books on boundaries. There's a lot of weekend workshops on boundaries. I would rather somebody put their efforts in personal development, personal growth, transformation and healing into that development rather than go back for the 18th time and talk about what your father did when you were four.

• 51:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  Okay, that's, that's where the real gold is. So we have to recognize that this is a developmental journey. When you got stuck in trauma, there were skills and capacities that were missing. When you were alone in life because you were a latchkey kid or you were neglected, you know, you were left alone for hours at a time. You didn't learn how to be vulnerable. You didn't learn how to engage conflict in a successful way. You didn't learn how to reciprocity or mutuality in relationships. You only learned self-sufficiency.

• 52:11Lewis Howes?

  Or how to receive and really, you know, it's like.

• 52:12Speaker 00

  How to receive.

• 52:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, all the things. If you don't feel worthy, how are you going to feel like you can receive something?

• 52:18Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 52:19Lewis Howes?

  You know, you're going to say, no, thank you, but no, whether it's a gift or someone buying you lunch or love.

• 52:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:24Lewis Howes?

  Uh, you're going to always kind of be emotionally, psychologically or physically rejecting love if you don't believe you're worthy of receiving it, right? In some way, or feeling guilty by receiving it or whatever, right?

• 52:36Speaker 00

  But there is a part of the person who's worthy. That's a very hard one to overcome. And you're, you're basically living as a servant to others when you don't have an I'm not worthy. You know, you're, you're showing up kind of subservient everywhere. That, well, that's one of the ways of being that that could generate. Um, but if you, there is a part of you that, that knows it's a wound. And not your destiny and not your truth. So that's what we're looking for. It's a, you know, and the, the book is very, it takes people very, very step by step.

• 53:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:11Speaker 00

  You know?

• 53:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. And the growth mindset is the embracing the growth mindset is step six, step seven is making those new choices and taking new actions.

• 53:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:18Lewis Howes?

  Which is, correct me if I'm wrong, how we integrate the new identity. It's like by making new choices, taking new actions, you're stepping into something you've never done. You know, ten, 20, 30, 40 years of an old identity. Now you're doing new actions, new choices. And it takes time to kind of integrate saying, I'm safe in this new identity. Is that correct? Yeah.

• 53:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Well, it's actually where the rubber meets the road.

• 53:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  And here's the thing. Things can change so quickly. Once you understand how you're this, you're, you're creating evidence for the old story. And you make a different choice. And it can be very, very subtle. A lot of these things are very subtle.

• 54:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 54:02Speaker 00

  Um, when I was, uh,

• 54:05Speaker 00

  When I divorced my husband, which was the foundation of conscious uncoupling, I found myself back out on the dating pool, right? Which was kind of weird because now I'd written Calling in the One. And it's weird experiences there. People say, well, I'm not the next one or whatever. You know, it was, it was an awkward situation for sure. But I remember one of the things that happened is that I started automatically recreating the old pattern of unavailability.

• 54:34Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 54:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. Like that pattern is just sitting there, you know, ready to pass.

• 54:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, he came out. Yeah, yeah.

• 54:39Speaker 00

  Like you actually have to generate your life.

• 54:41Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 54:42Speaker 00

  You have to create a different future. If you don't create something consciously, your past will determine your future. That's just what's so.

• 54:50Lewis Howes?

  That's true.

• 54:50Speaker 00

  So, so I, I noticed that that was happening. And so I went in and I did some work on it. One of my false centers, my source, my sources, stories. And by the way, there's not only just one for every area. Sometimes they, you know, they're kind of.

• 55:04Lewis Howes?

  Intertwined.

• 55:04Speaker 00

  They're intertwined a little bit. But you, you work with the one that has the most energy in that moment. Okay. So the one that had the most energy in that moment for me was I'm not wanted. And one of the ways of being in the I'm not wanted is over giving your energy.

• 55:21Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 55:21Speaker 00

  Because you're kind of anticipating people are going to reject you. So you've got to be kind of a salesperson, right? You've got to be like in their face a little bit and tap dancing and, you know, don't, don't reject me, you know? So, but, but what happens is of course it makes people back up. But again, how were the source?

• 55:35Lewis Howes?

  Needy, clingy energy.

• 55:36Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's like.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  And then people back up and.

• 55:40Lewis Howes?

  They're like, see, they don't want me.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  Exactly. That's it. That's it. So I realized that sometimes with men, if I liked them, that I would come on too strong. But that was like a nervous thing that I did. So with my beautiful partner, Michael, now, on our very first date, I knew this about myself. So the new way of being was to hold my energy in. To just, just bring my energy in.

• 56:09Speaker 00

  To kind of hold myself, be more self-contained.

• 56:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:12Speaker 00

  So that when I walked in the room, I was self-contained. I wasn't over-giving my energy.

• 56:17Lewis Howes?

  You were like a golden retriever, like, ah, love me. Ah, you know.

• 56:23Speaker 00

  Which gave him a chance to get to know me.

• 56:26Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  And he actually fell in love with me that night. So, you know, it doesn't have to be, it can be very quick how life changes.

• 56:32Lewis Howes?

  It can be.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  You know, so it, a lot of it is just-

• 56:35Lewis Howes?

  All based on your way of being.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  Absolutely. And being self-aware and self-responsible.

• 56:42Lewis Howes?

  What would you say then is the difference between healing yourself and transforming yourself?

• 56:46Speaker 00

  Well, healing, I say, is the domain of the past, but transformation is the domain of the future. So healing, again, is about regulating yourself, facing the truth, understanding what happened, you know, recognizing that you are not that, learning to regulate yourself, all of these beautiful things. And so, you know, there's a piece of healing, you just have to be witnessed and held with love. But there are parts of us that will always be healing.

• 57:13Lewis Howes?

  Of course, it's a journey.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  It will, you know, every New Year's Eve, I might feel sad because someone died on that day. And so I, it's a lot of it's about just some, some of these pieces of ourselves, we just need to learn how to hold them. When they come up with love, we don't have to get to the bottom of them before we can have what it is that we want. And that's the message that I'm really excited to be delivering to people.

• 57:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:43Lewis Howes?

  So there's healing, which is the domain of the past, transformation, which is the domain of the future.

• 57:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:50Lewis Howes?

  And it sounds like identity is the domain of like the present almost, where it's like, our way of being is our identity, or our belief is our identity.

• 57:59Speaker 00

  That's the true you.

• 58:00Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah, that's the true you.

• 58:01Speaker 00

  That's the true you, because the true you is in the now.

• 58:03Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 58:04Speaker 00

  Who am I really? Is it true that I'm not good enough? Oh, I was gonna tell you, do we have time for one more story?

• 58:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  Okay, okay. So I was gonna tell you the story about the, um, the, uh, so here I am with these big ideas, I've got all these big ideas, and I don't feel good enough. To be the one to deliver them. I go, I'm not Brené.

• 58:24Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 58:25Speaker 00

  You know, I'm not, I'm not at that level.

• 58:27Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 58:27Speaker 00

  You know, so, so who am I to bring this forward? And I'm struggling and I'm struggling, but they so want to be born that I'm struggling with, with the book proposal. I think I struggled for like three years in that, trying to write this book proposal. I got frustrated and I finally just sent it to my agent, like my, you know, okay, this is what I have, you know? And she read it and she said, I don't get it. Right? Mirroring, hearing, yeah, I'm not good enough. She rejected it.

• 58:55Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  And I was crushed. I was heartbroken. But this is what I realized out of it. Oh, here I am, writing this book about waking up from the trance of your source fracture story, to be able to create the life that you came here to live. I'm writing it from the source fracture story.

• 59:14Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  You can't create the future from the self of the past.

• 59:18Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 59:18Speaker 00

  You actually have to go into the future and begin to source yourself from there. So I asked myself, what's really true about this idea of you're not good enough? Well, you know, all of us are imperfect and all of us are doing the best that we can. And life seems to have given this teaching to me. So I guess if life thinks I'm good enough, it's just mine to do.

• 59:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 59:37Speaker 00

  Like it's, I don't need to get into that business about who, I don't need to compete with anybody. I'm just me. Right? So I woke myself up from the trance. Few months later, I called my agent because she's my friend and I needed advice and I believe that people can say no to you and they, you can still love them. They get to have boundaries, right?

• 59:56Lewis Howes?

  They can have their perspective and their feedback.

• 59:58Speaker 00

  They can disappoint you and you don't withhold your love. So, but, but I called her because she's smart and I wanted her opinion. By the end of that conversation, she said, I need to revisit this book.

• 1:00:08Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:00:09Speaker 00

  That was because who I was being.

• 1:00:11Lewis Howes?

  Was different.

• 1:00:11Speaker 00

  Was different.

• 1:00:12Lewis Howes?

  Different energy.

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

  A whole different energy. She got the book. She ended up shaping the book. She got me an amazing book deal. The book is integral to her. So that's what I mean, like we're sourcing ourselves and our lives from the identity we're centered in.

• 1:00:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  But the true you is actually a flexible you. If I say, okay, I'm not a perfect person and I'm open to learning and growing and becoming who I need to be to create that book. Now I'm a fluid self. The old fond centers are a fixed identity. They never change.

• 1:00:49Speaker 00

  They never change. There's no fluidity and they're shame-based. So if you collapse into a shame-based identity, you'll stop growing. From the true you, you're open to feedback. You can learn. Setbacks don't crush you. They disappoint you, but they don't crush you. You keep going. You grow from the experience and you can stay on track to actualize the future you're committed to.

• 1:01:15Lewis Howes?

  When you mentioned kind of how you had this, I guess, lack of self-belief or maybe, I don't know if it's a

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  Insecurity. I felt inferior.

• 1:01:24Lewis Howes?

  Imposter syndrome is what I was thinking of. So you're saying, ah, I'm not Brene or I'm not this, right? I haven't done this yet. Like, I'm sure there's a lot of people listening or watching that have this kind of imposter syndrome.

• 1:01:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:35Lewis Howes?

  How do we overcome that? When we're trying to create a bigger, powerful future that we've never done before?

• 1:01:44Speaker 00

  Well, I think the imposter syndrome is reflective of where am I centered at the level of identity? So you look at what it is that you're committed to creating. And then you, I mean, the actual practice is to, to, um, to first connect with the part of you that can be a witness to your own experience. You know, that has some wisdom. You're not going to collapse into getting blended with that younger part of you. And then you think about the pattern, what usually happens in this area, right? So I want to be, you know, I want to be a, a successful actor. What usually happens is I get rejected at every thing I do. And, you know, then I get bad reviews when I get cast. That's, that's the pattern. Right? So then you, you say, well, how does it feel in my body?

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  When that pattern happens? You just imagine the pattern's happening now.

• 1:02:33Lewis Howes?

  When I get rejected or something?

• 1:02:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, when I get rejected. How do I feel in my body? Where do I feel it? And then you say, what's the I am in the center of that feeling? Right? And you

• 1:02:46Lewis Howes?

  Not smart enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not whatever it is.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's how you find the source fracture story in that particular area.

• 1:02:55Lewis Howes?

  And then you identify, well, I guess then you wake up to the true you, see yourself as source, identify new ways of relating, et cetera, et cetera.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:02Lewis Howes?

  And go through the process.

• 1:03:03Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:03:05Lewis Howes?

  But, I mean, you, you say that transformation lives in the future. And I know I've heard Dr. Joe Dispenza say to remember the future. And I like to ask questions on here, like if your 10 year self in the future was giving you advice now, what would that wiser version of you be saying to yourself right now when you feel stuck? So how do people in this process, when they're feeling stuck, what is the process you really like to tap into that, I guess, wiser future self? To overcome the imposter syndrome, to overcome the I'm not enoughness, to overcome all these feelings? So that you can actually feel good again as opposed to feeling bad?

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Well, I think what you're talking about is how do I shift centers? When I'm really captivated emotionally by the story?

• 1:03:56Lewis Howes?

  Of the past, yeah, the wounded self.

• 1:03:58Speaker 00

  The wounded self, and it does feel very, it is very pervasive. And that's sometimes why it's very hard to language.

• 1:04:06Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:04:07Speaker 00

  Um, I think one of the ways that I have found helpful is to name it accurately. To really name it and to give it the age, because once you give it that age, even if you can't get outside of it, then what I sometimes do with people is I have them imagine then like a four year old sitting in front of them who just had a trauma and has collapsed into this meaning. And they are coming as, you know, the light. And what might they say about this conclusion? We're talking about the conclusions we came to that limit our lives.

• 1:04:45Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:04:46Speaker 00

  Right? So what might they say? And usually people have enough compassion if they can externalize that younger self to be able to speak to that younger self in a way that brings some light and some hope. But you're right, before you talked about many of us are kind of rusty in that area. We're not used to that dialogue, but it is one of the most important things that we'll ever learn how to do. It is the, the thing that actually allows us to really transform beyond the pain of the past.

• 1:05:18Lewis Howes?

  I mean, they talk about this in the sports world as like this self-talk, something that I learned all the time when I had insecurity or fear before games. It was like a self-talk or before a big moment, if I'm shooting a free throw or when the game was on the line, it was like, what I, how I spoke to myself would typically determine the results.

• 1:05:36Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:05:36Lewis Howes?

  You know, it would influence the results. If I'm like, I'm gonna be a fool, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, don't mess up. It's like if I'm thinking about the negative, I'm probably going to react from pain or a wound or a fear, rather than seeing a bigger possible future of you've got this or stay present or be in the moment or you can do anything like

• 1:05:55Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 1:05:56Lewis Howes?

  speaking into a bigger future.

• 1:05:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:59Lewis Howes?

  And it's a practice. It really did. And it could be a moment by moment thing that we need to be doing to remind ourselves, these mantras, this self-talk, and finding tools that we can master to overcome whatever life is throwing at our way.

• 1:06:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:14Lewis Howes?

  And, and you know, speaking of tools to master, you've been doing this for, for many decades, right? And you've mastered certain levels and gone higher and higher or deeper, deeper in mastery, beyond being a therapist, right? And learning about transformation and, and bigger ways to transform and heal at the same time.

• 1:06:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:34Lewis Howes?

  And when you were telling me beforehand, but before, when you, when you sold the book, Deal, you also got the call that you had cancer around the same time or that same week.

• 1:06:44Speaker 00

  Two days later.

• 1:06:45Lewis Howes?

  Two days later.

• 1:06:46Speaker 00

  Two days later.

• 1:06:47Lewis Howes?

  And so when, when you feel like you've mastered these tools, right? For so long and you've overcome all these challenges and created a beautiful new relationship and you have this wisdom to share with the world. But then you get some news like this with a new challenge or potential obstacle in your way.

• 1:07:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:05Lewis Howes?

  How did you not fall back into old patterns of wounds or whatever that have could have shown up? And how did you stay? Focused on the future and not living in the past or fear.

• 1:07:20Speaker 00

  Well, fortunately, you're right. I did have decades of experience of this way of being. So it's actually organic to me and to know live from the truths of who I am. And when I collapse into a story, which I do, because that's human.

• 1:07:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:07:36Speaker 00

  It's very important people know that this doesn't really go away. You have to learn how to work with it. I don't tend to stay there for very long, thank goodness. Yeah, that was a really wild ride, right on a Wednesday. You get this major book deal. Six houses were bidding on it. We went with the one we loved. We're so happy with Penguin Life. Two days later, cancer.

• 1:07:58Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:07:59Speaker 00

  So, and the book was due the exact same time that the cancer treatment was scheduled to be over.

• 1:08:06Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 1:08:07Speaker 00

  So I wrote the book when I was in cancer treatment. But I, the truth is, is that that helped a great deal.

• 1:08:15Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:08:16Speaker 00

  Like it, because it was so joyful to write this book. It was so uplifting and to finally be at a place, I mean, it's taken really decades to, to, to put this all together. Right? So this is out of all the work I've done, calling in the one conscious uncoupling, this is my true purpose.

• 1:08:33Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:08:34Speaker 00

  For being born. And it actually is the teachings underlying both of the other books and why they work. But it lifted me every day. So I just, you know, you just decide, who am I going to be in the face of this? And the context of the future that I was living into, which is really the big future I'm living into, is that this book recontextualizes how we engage our personal development work. You know, I've, I've, I've pioneered two other things into the world that I'm very proud of, calling in the one, even though everybody's now aware of law of attraction and your beliefs and your manifesting love.

• 1:09:10Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:09:11Speaker 00

  It was actually the first conversation. In 2004, nobody else was talking. I almost didn't get a book deal because the editors would come back and say, well, she's saying something nobody else is saying. And I remember saying to my agent at the time, I think that's a good thing. But I mean, I don't want to brag, but this is the reality of like, who I get to be is that I pioneer new things into the world, which I feel, you know, so grateful, grateful, grateful for. And then Conscious Uncoupling kind of, you know, broke the glass ceiling on how we do divorce. And now there's a lot of different books on it and teachings. And but it is so there's a there's a way that I'm given that privilege. And so I see this book as the privilege that it is. So that future

• 1:09:53Speaker 00

  of repositioning how we all engage personal development work to turbocharge our capacity to outgrow the imprinting of our past and create the lives that we want to be living. And and ultimately, Lewis, the world that we want to be living in, because this is what we need to learn how to do for ourselves, so we can bring it into the world. That future just carried me and is carrying me today. Like, I'm still in treatment, right? So it got better. And, you know, all the tumors went away and they shrunk. And now some of them are back. And, you know, so you're on a journey when you're dancing with atypical selves. But you see, like, truthfully, I'm, I'm just, you know, this is life, and we

• 1:10:38Speaker 00

  all go through hardships. So when you have a context of the future that you're living into, it repositions the challenges that we're in. And you can live your life, not from where you are trying to get to that future, but from that future, which then informs, who do I need to be today? Yes. Right? So it has really only, truthfully, increased my strength.

• 1:11:04Speaker 00

  And increased my capacity to stand in that positive possible future. I vision every day a future where my body is healthy. I thank God every day for healing my body. And at the same time, I'm aware that we're all only here for a minute. And we better as well, you know, we might as well do what God put us on this earth to do, or what we feel in our souls we're put here for, and get busy living into that future. Because time is finite on this level. And so I accept that. I'm 68. And, um, you know, we're lucky to be living this long, really, because 100 years ago, people were out by 40.

• 1:11:45Speaker 00

  So, you know, I'm grateful for my life every day, and I'm really committed to the privilege of being able to birth these ideas into the world.

• 1:11:55Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's beautiful. Beautiful wisdom. If you could, um, I'm, I'm gonna turn 43 soon. I never really celebrated my birthday, but that's my, my birthday's coming up in the next couple of months. 43, and I just had twins, which you're aware of, and my audience is aware of, twin girls. If you could give me one piece of advice on how to best approach fatherhood for two girls.

• 1:12:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:23Lewis Howes?

  In the world that they're entering in right now, and the life that we have right now, and what's happening in the world and the culture and everything. You know, I'm sure everyone's got a piece of advice on how to be a conscious parent. But if you could just give one piece of advice to myself or any new parent on how you would approach fatherhood or motherhood.

• 1:12:41Speaker 00

  Oh, such a sweet.

• 1:12:42Lewis Howes?

  At this season, what would you say with your infinite wisdom?

• 1:12:46Speaker 00

  Such a sweet, sweet question. I mean, the first thing that comes to me, I know you're already doing, which is to sponsor their potential greatness.

• 1:12:54Lewis Howes?

  Oh, 100%.

• 1:12:55Speaker 00

  100%.

• 1:12:56Lewis Howes?

  Speaking into it.

• 1:12:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, all, yeah, creating it with your words.

• 1:13:00Lewis Howes?

  Speaking into it.

• 1:13:01Speaker 00

  Absolutely, absolutely. But the other thing, and that, and, and once, once this book is out, we're, we're gonna be looking at doing a parenting book. Children do are a little meaning-making machines, and they're making meaning out of everything, you know?

• 1:13:16Lewis Howes?

  You could probably have the best of intentions, and they could interpret it in, maybe not the best of ways sometimes, right? It's like, maybe, who knows?

• 1:13:22Speaker 00

  So it's to pay attention to the meaning that they're making at the level of identity. I saw this with my daughter when she was six years old. My daughter has autism. And she was having a hard time socially connecting. And there was something that happened at school with the kids and they kind of, you know, weren't nice to her or something. And she immediately, I could just see the collapse in her.

• 1:13:46Lewis Howes?

  The shrinking.

• 1:13:47Speaker 00

  It's not like they come to you and say, I have a belief now that I'm not good enough. The energy shifts.

• 1:13:52Lewis Howes?

  They come back and they're like just quieter, more in their room or whatever. Yeah, they're not as free.

• 1:13:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're not as, she wasn't as free. She wasn't as happy. And I caught it. And I was able to sit with her and intercept it. And I was able to language it. I think what you're making it mean is, but honey, what it really means is this. And who you are is this. And I did see a shift back when I was able to catch that and do that for her. So I, I think there's a lot to be explored there because I haven't done a lot of research yet in that area. But that's what I would, you know, encourage you to do.

• 1:14:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's by catching the, when they make a weird face or their energy shifts, it's like catching it and communicating with love on, you know, what they're trying to make meaning of, I guess, and trying to shift it.

• 1:14:40Speaker 00

  Well, you know, children don't have the cognitive capacity to hold complexity till that they're about seven. So they, they, they, that's why if you look at the-

• 1:14:48Lewis Howes?

  I thought Santa Claus was real, you know? It's like until a certain age, you're like, well, it's not real? You know, it's like you can't see the complexities of life.

• 1:14:54Speaker 00

  Everything is very black and white. Everything's black and white. So, so you, you know, you, you have to be careful with, you know, with, with how they're interpreting their experience. So to just be the-

• 1:15:12Lewis Howes?

  Pay attention to it.

• 1:15:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, pay attention and be the one who helps them to.

• 1:15:18Lewis Howes?

  This is powerful. I want everyone to go get this book. What's True About You? Seven Steps to Move Beyond Your Painful Past and Manifest Your Brightest Future. If you feel stuck or if you feel like you haven't been fully living your truest gifts or you have something you want to bring into the world, but for whatever reason it's not manifesting yet, make sure you go through this book. Because when you break free from your past and you embrace the true you, you unleash your brightest future. And that's what everyone deserves to be living if they're willing to do the work. They can get the book anywhere. Again, what's true about you? Get it for a friend. They can check you out on your website, katherinewoodwardthomas.com. The same thing on social media.

• 1:15:58Lewis Howes?

  And I hope everyone gets this book and shares this interview with a friend as a starting point as well. I've got a couple of final questions for you.

• 1:16:06Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:16:07Lewis Howes?

  I think I might have asked this to you 11 years ago when you were on the show.

• 1:16:10Speaker 00

  Oh, my goodness.

• 1:16:11Lewis Howes?

  But I'm not sure if I started asking these questions back then. So I'd have to actually go back and reflect and see if that was the case. But I, I started at some point asking people a question at the very end of the episodes called the three truths. And maybe I did this with you.

• 1:16:24Speaker 00

  I think you did.

• 1:16:25Lewis Howes?

  Maybe I did. So I can't remember if I did it in my first six months.

• 1:16:27Speaker 00

  You did. I have no idea what I said.

• 1:16:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. All right. So we'll see where you're at now 11 years later and we'll reflect back on what you said then. So imagine you get to live as long as you want in this life.

• 1:16:37Speaker 00

  Amen.

• 1:16:38Lewis Howes?

  And you get to create everything you want from the most powerful future version of you.

• 1:16:44Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:16:44Lewis Howes?

  And it all comes to life. But at the end of the day, when you pass away, many years away.

• 1:16:52Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:16:53Lewis Howes?

  You have to take all of your work with you, all of your messages, all of your books, all your conversations, they're gone. Hypothetical scenario.

• 1:17:00Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:17:01Lewis Howes?

  But you get to leave a final message with the world, your final three lessons. I call it the three truths. What would those three truths that you would leave behind be?

• 1:17:12Speaker 00

  You are the creator of your life.

• 1:17:19Speaker 00

  The purpose of life is to create heaven on earth.

• 1:17:24Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:17:28Speaker 00

  And the essence of who you are is love.

• 1:17:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Yes, it is. Before I ask the final question, Catherine, I want to acknowledge you for your constant journey of transformation for your personal life and for bringing your message to so many people one-on-one, group settings, and, and even more so with your content and your books and your, your programs that you have online as well. You know, the fact that you live a life of service to help people heal and transform into their greatest self. I don't know a better way to live. So I want to acknowledge you for the constant journey, even through the challenges you keep facing. And it's a beautiful thing to witness how you approach life with everything you've been through and everything you're going through right now. So I want to acknowledge you for the love you bring to so many people. It's really beautiful.

• 1:18:14Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:18:15Lewis Howes?

  Of course. My final question is, what is your definition of greatness?

• 1:18:24Speaker 00

  It's to live in the most expansive calling on your life for who you came here to be for the world.

• 1:18:34Speaker 00

  And the gifts that you, the golden gifts that only you can deliver in just the way that you can.

• 1:18:43Speaker 00

  We're all needing to do that now.

• 1:18:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:46Speaker 00

  You know, as the world escalates and tensions and conflict and negativity, it's pushing on all of us to step into that yes to greatness, that call to greatness. So I'm glad we're all in it together.

• 1:19:03Lewis Howes?

  Amen. Kevin, thanks for being here. Appreciate it too. Thank you.

• 1:19:06Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:19:08Lewis Howes?

  I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment, moving forward. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

• 1:19:50Lewis Howes?

  And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.