Gabby Bernstein: The 4 Step Process To Manifest Anything & Heal Your Deepest Wounds

Get my new book Make Money Easy here! In this transformative episode, spiritual teacher and bestselling author Gabby Bernstein introduces her groundbreaking new book "Self Help" and reveals a powerful four-step process for healing our inner wounds and manifesting the life we desire. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Gabby explains how our various "parts" - including managers, firefighters, and exiles - develop as protection mechanisms from childhood trauma. She shares how accessing our "Self" energy (characterized by qualities like compassion, clarity, and courage) allows us to heal these wounded parts and create lasting positive change. Through personal stories and practical examples, Gabby illustrates how this inner work is essential for true manifestation and living an authentic, harmonious life. Get Gabby's new book, Self HelpJoin Gabby on her Change Your Life Tour in New York, L. A., San Francisco or BostonIn this episode you will learn:How to identify and heal the protective "parts" of yourself that may be blocking you from manifesting what you desireThe four-step check-in process for transforming limiting beliefs and patternsWhy true manifestation requires healing core wounds and addressing underlying beliefsHow to access your "Self" energy and its eight essential qualitiesThe difference between temporary behavior changes and lasting transformation through inner healingFor more information go to https://www.lewishowes.com/1714For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOG episodes we think you’ll love:Dr. Lisa Miller – greatness.lnk.to/1708SCSadhguru – greatness.lnk.to/1527SCDr. Joe Dispenza – greatness.lnk.to/1633SC Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Happy New Year. Welcome to 2025. You made it. The last five years. It is almost five years since COVID happened, if you can believe it. It was March 16th, on my birthday, 2020, when it seemed like the world shut down. I remember because we were doing a party in my office and we had to send everyone home before they actually came because the world shut down. And you have survived and hopefully you have thrived in the last five years. It hasn't been easy for anyone. There have been challenges. There's been health issues. There's been death. There's been struggles. There's been so many different challenges, but I am telling

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  you, if you can believe that it's all happening for you, if you can even just put that thought out into the universe right now and say, this all happened for me, even if there was some horrible stuff that happened. And if you can start to believe that this all happened for me and it's setting me up for an incredible next year and next five years of this decade, then I'm telling you, magic is going to flood into your life. But it starts with the belief. It starts with understanding how to believe. And I'm so excited that we get to kick off the new year with my

• 1:22Lewis Howes?

  good friend Gabby Bernstein, who is a force of nature when it comes to manifesting your dreams. And she's going to be talking about the number one secret to manifesting today, which is going to be exactly what you need to hear, going into 2025 to building out your dream year. And if you want to learn how to actually rewire your limiting beliefs right now and say, I'm drawing a sand in the line. I'm putting my foot down and everything that was holding me back is staying behind me. And moving forward, I am actually going to be committed and consistent with a new belief. And I'm going to keep reminding myself to live into this belief. It is going to be 12

• 2:05Lewis Howes?

  years of the School of Greatness podcast this month. And so many people ask me, Lewis, do you learn anything new after? Fifteen hundred or seventeen hundred episodes will be done, whatever how many number of episodes we've done. Do you still learn new things? And I say, yes, I do, but I also hear a lot of the same things over and over again. And I'm okay with that because I need these reminders, guys. I can easily go in my ego and my negativity and my limiting beliefs. I could go back to those places where I felt wounded as a child at any moment. So for me, I do this show for myself as a reminder to constantly stay committed to these types of frequencies, to these types of beliefs, to these types of ideas.

• 2:49Lewis Howes?

  So that I can stay in a state of goodness, a state of abundance, a state of positivity. And that is the key. And I want you to go on this journey with me today and every week this year on the School of Greatness. Because I am committed to bringing you the most powerful, valuable, insightful information that I can each and every episode this year. I am going to step up my game. My team is stepping up its game to make sure we are in service at the highest level possible. And I want you on this journey more committed than ever. Because you deserve to feel the greatness that is inside of you.

• 3:33Lewis Howes?

  You deserve to feel the love that you want to receive. You deserve to experience financial peace and freedom. You deserve to know what your purpose is and how to pursue that purpose. And you're also going to experience challenges and obstacles at different seasons of life along the way. And these challenges are designed specifically to help you overcome the parts of yourself that have been holding you back. And so we don't want them to always happen, but when they're happening, just know they're happening for you. And they're in your favor if you're willing to lean into them. If you're willing to go all into your fears until those fears disappear

• 4:16Lewis Howes?

  and transform yourself into something like your greatest self would be proud of. Again, I am pumped. This year is time to fully step in to the best version of you. And that's going to rely on all of you to stay committed when there are adversities and challenges. And we have an incredible gift today with the inspiring Gabby Bernstein. Do me a favor. If you've listened to this show for years, or if this is your first time here, we are almost 12 years in the anniversary. It would mean the world to me if you clicked the follow button on Apple Podcasts or Spotify right now and left us a review.

• 5:00Lewis Howes?

  If you found any value in this show and in this episode here, follow the show, School of Greatness on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, leave us a review and share this episode with one friend that you truly care about, that family member or friend that you care about, that you want to see thrive this year. Text them this link right now. Just copy and paste. Text it to them right now because Gabby Bernstein is about to blow your mind. And let's go ahead and dive in right now. Welcome back everyone to School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. We have my dear friend, my sister Gabby Bernstein in the house. So good to see you. Thanks for being here in my basement of greatness, my home.

• 5:45Gabby Bernstein?

  It's the home of greatness.

• 5:46Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 5:47Gabby Bernstein?

  It really, I walked in, I was like, wow, somebody made your home for you.

• 5:51Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, Martha.

• 5:52Gabby Bernstein?

  But somebody built your dream home for you.

• 5:54Lewis Howes?

  I saw this online and I was like, there's a whole story around manifesting this, actually, which I think is really interesting. We were, Martha and I were looking for homes for like a year, right? Just kind of like initially just curious, but then we were like, okay, let's get serious about thinking of buying a home. And I saw this one on Zillow, but it was like so expensive. It was absurd. I was like, this would be five years away, seven years away to be able to buy something like this with the price tag that it had on Zillow, but it had everything. I was like, I want a basketball court. I want the salt. I want, I want everything, right? It had a movie theater, it had a basement, which doesn't happen in LA. And I was like, if I'm going to buy a home, I want the home for the next 10, 15 years. I don't want to buy something that's almost what I want. I want to get

• 6:38Lewis Howes?

  what I want. Otherwise, I'll just stay in an apartment for the next few years and wait. And then this thing went off the market. And I was like, oh, it's sold. Okay, I guess it wasn't for us. Six months later, it comes back, but way cheaper. It's still more than what the budget was, but it was like, I was like, oh, maybe there's a chance. And what if we negotiated and really tried to work through it? And we got it exactly the price that I was like willing to pay.

• 7:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Yep.

• 7:05Lewis Howes?

  So it all came together. I just had to be patient. I had to keep setting the intention. And also it was not settling for something that I didn't want.

• 7:13Gabby Bernstein?

  Three things you just said. Patient, setting the intention and not settling for something that you don't want.

• 7:20Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Those are huge.

• 7:22Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 7:23Gabby Bernstein?

  Qualities of a super attractor, which of course you embody. But patience is probably the biggest one.

• 7:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Because it's when we're sort of, when we're thirsty or inserting ourselves or we're controlling, it's just completely the opposite of allowing.

• 7:39Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:39Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 7:40Lewis Howes?

  But I'm an impatient person by nature. So it's like, I want this thing now.

• 7:43Gabby Bernstein?

  I know.

• 7:43Lewis Howes?

  I want it yesterday, right? You're probably similar in a sense.

• 7:46Gabby Bernstein?

  A hundred percent.

• 7:46Lewis Howes?

  We have to teach ourselves how to allow the patience to come into our lives.

• 7:50Gabby Bernstein?

  I think that as impatient as I am, I'm also really in just tremendous faith. I think as like 20 years being a spiritual student, really my whole life, I feel like I've been a spiritual student. I have such a strong ingrained knowing and trust in timing.

• 8:08Lewis Howes?

  You do. Is there ever a time you get really frustrated where you're like, the thing that I've been intending and wanting and desiring is not even coming close to fruition?

• 8:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Only the small things.

• 8:17Lewis Howes?

  Really? Like what?

• 8:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Like often with work related things, because much like you, and I think much like many entrepreneurs, we happen to just sort of see things further than maybe, or think about the process or see the big picture faster than somebody else might. And that doesn't mean that that's better or worse. There's the, then you need the people that are like, wait, slow it down and let me figure out the plan. Right? You can't, one can't exist without the other. But because I have such that, such a visionary way of thinking, I can be so five, six, seven, 10 steps ahead that the, and then other people around me are kind of like, whoa, peel it back. That's when I'm like, wait, no, no, no, I want to move things faster.

• 8:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:59Gabby Bernstein?

  And I think I have a sense of urgency around knowing that this is, I keep saying lately, it's go time. It's go time, not just for the individual, but also I feel as a teacher, it's go time. I have to make sure that I am able to touch as many people as possible.

• 9:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 9:20Gabby Bernstein?

  It's a crucial time right now.

• 9:22Lewis Howes?

  It is. It always seems like it's a go time, but specifically this time, it feels like it's even more with what's happening in the world. This book is really exciting. I'm excited to talk about it. It's called Self Help. This is your chance to change your life. Make sure you guys pick this up. But in the foreword, Dick Schwartz, who's the founder of I F F, I F S, Internal Family Systems, says that you illustrate the ability to show compassion and love to all parts of you, even the ones that have ruined your life, and to do it in a very specific way that allows them to transform. How do we manifest something that we really want or desire in our life? When there are parts of us that have completely traumatized and ruined our lives?

• 10:07Lewis Howes?

  Is there an ability to create the life we desire and want?

• 10:13Lewis Howes?

  Without healing or transforming traumas and pain that ruins us and cripples us still?

• 10:21Gabby Bernstein?

  We manifest what we believe. So if we are stuck in a core wound, traumatized story, neural loop of fight, flight, freeze, we're living in a way where we're so afraid or blocked because of those core belief systems. What ends up happening is that no matter how hard we try to manifest, no matter how much we deepen spiritually, or how much we hold the vision, like you said, right? And have the intention. Things may show up because your focus is redirected, but then it may show up and you can't keep it,

• 11:05Gabby Bernstein?

  or it falls apart, or things just aren't in the flow. And that lack of flow is often truly because of the core wounds from our very early, early, early years.

• 11:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:18Gabby Bernstein?

  And so my, my, it's funny, this is my most therapeutic book. It's, I, I went and I got trained in internal family systems therapy. It's a therapy that I've used for a decade. And it, with my own therapist, it's about, it's coming up on a decade, maybe nine years now. And then I got trained in the model and I was so moved by it that I wrote this more therapeutic book. Now, while this is my most therapeutic self-help book, it's very spiritual too, but it's probably the most important manifesting book.

• 11:51Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 11:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Not because it's got lessons on manifesting, but because the secret to truly manifesting what you desire is to heal the beliefs that block those desires.

• 12:03Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 12:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Period.

• 12:05Lewis Howes?

  So if we believe that we are not worthy of something, what are we, what are we saying about ourselves and what's possible for us?

• 12:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, most people I think are walking through life with beliefs of being unworthy, unlovable, inadequate, not good enough. Maybe they feel worthy in one area of their life, but they're completely blocked in another. And so the areas in our life where we lack that confidence and that clarity and that connection and that calmness that you talked about when you were manifesting the house, sort of like the just relax, knowing it'll come if it's meant to be. The places in our life where we don't have that are the places where we have the most wounds.

• 12:47Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 12:48Gabby Bernstein?

  The, if you were to be, if you were to say, okay, I'm really great at attracting things into my career, but my relationships, I'm just a show. Okay, well, what is the core wound that's tied to those relationships? What happened to you as a child? What do you know about relationships? Was there trauma there? And this is sort of self-help 101 or therapy 101. We all kind of understand this on a kind of. In the periphery, we're like, okay, I get that. This thing happened to me and then I'm gonna hold on to it. But this book is like, no, no, no, no. The life you're experiencing is a result of the roles that you play, the parts that you play each and every single day. The world is like this theatrical event that we show up for on a day to day basis.

• 13:31Gabby Bernstein?

  And the parts of us that show up are different characters in our life.

• 13:35Lewis Howes?

  That's interesting.

• 13:36Gabby Bernstein?

  These extreme parts, these addicted parts, these fearful parts. So we're like lots of different actors in the show that is our life.

• 13:45Lewis Howes?

  It sounds like every human being is kind of schizophrenic or has multiple personality types.

• 13:50Gabby Bernstein?

  So in IFS, Internal Family Systems Therapy, I'm gonna break this down. So just talk around it. Let's just break it down from the get go. Okay, so my gift in this lifetime is to just simplify big ideas. And so, and my gift to Dick Schwartz, who's one of my cherished friends, the founder of IFS, is to take his extraordinary body of work that healed my life and to translate it and demystify it from.

• 14:10Lewis Howes?

  And simplify it.

• 14:11Gabby Bernstein?

  And simplify it and democratize it. So here we are. Internal Family Systems Therapy is not about your external family. It's about an inner family of parts of us. So we have these lots of little children inside.

• 14:25Lewis Howes?

  Which sounds crazy to think about.

• 14:27Gabby Bernstein?

  It does and it doesn't. Let me, let me keep it simple, right? Have you ever said, a part of me gets really outraged when, when Marta does this? Or a part of me flips out when I can't control something?

• 14:38Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm, sure, sure.

• 14:39Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, yes, you're kind of familiar with those parts of yourself. You've been said it earlier. A part of me is really, I don't even know if you said a part of me, maybe, but you're like, I can be really impatient.

• 14:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course, yeah.

• 14:48Gabby Bernstein?

  That impatience is a part, right? And these parts of us, the often the extreme ones are protection mechanisms. So the controlling aspects, the, the managing of the day to day things that we have to get done, the perfectionism, the, the overthinking, the playing small, these extreme roles that we play in momentary situations in our life, or, or really sometimes all day, every day, are protection mechanisms. So the extreme, so if you look at your life and you're saying, okay, there's parts of me that I don't like, or there's parts of me,

• 15:28Gabby Bernstein?

  or ways I act out that feel extreme, or there's behaviors that I have that I just can't kick.

• 15:36Gabby Bernstein?

  Addiction, overeating, drinking. And you see these, these things that you do, these behaviors that you have that you just don't know how to change. It's because they're very, very young parts of yourself. They've been around for a very long time.

• 15:50Lewis Howes?

  They haven't grown up yet.

• 15:52Gabby Bernstein?

  They never got a chance to grow up, these parts of you.

• 15:55Lewis Howes?

  And where do these parts of us live?

• 15:57Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay, so let me get this, let me keep it simple.

• 15:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Gabby Bernstein?

  So, they keep coming back to the simplicity, okay? Like I'm putting my, okay, let's keep it simple.

• 16:03Lewis Howes?

  How many parts of us does each individual have?

• 16:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Many, many parts of us. So, so let's keep it simple. So, very young, we grew up where we come into this world, we're like these perfect little people. We're so happy, everything's beautiful. Hopefully, we, we enter the world in a safe, peaceful way. And from a very young age, we start to experience the burdens of the world. A parent that doesn't have a strong attachment. I, in the case for you and myself, having sexual abuse as children. So sometimes it could be extreme traumas like that. Or it could be something along the lines of being bullied in the classroom. Or being told that you're stupid by your teacher. These moments in time are so extreme for our child brains to process.

• 16:47Gabby Bernstein?

  We don't have the resources, we don't have the brain capacity. And oftentimes, we don't have the parents or caregivers to help us process these extreme disturbances.

• 16:58Lewis Howes?

  They don't have the tools either to teach us.

• 17:00Gabby Bernstein?

  Or in the case of you and me, we don't have anyone to tell.

• 17:02Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 17:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Right, or we're too afraid to tell.

• 17:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Or in my case, I dissociated, didn't even have the memory, right? And so, what do we do? We build up protection mechanisms. For me, one of those protection mechanisms was straight up dissociation. Like, left my body, like, dissociated from reality. For others, it could be, and this is young, at a young, young age, you know, it could be, okay, this thing happened to you as a child. And all of a sudden, you go into this extreme protection mechanism of trying to be perfect because you had this shameful experience. So perfection makes you feel safe. Or you, give my son for an example, I have a six-year-old son. When he was three years old, he was in a Montessori program, so it was three to six-year-olds. There was a six-year-old in his class and he was just out of diapers. And that six-year-old was sort of like, you know, who is this three-year-old? I want to make anything do with him.

• 17:50Gabby Bernstein?

  I mean, it was, it was just like kind of bossy to him. And at a very young age, all he learned, like, I gotta be the boss. Cause that was so extreme. This kid is bigger, I wanna be like him, he hates me, he tells me he hates me, he tells me to leave him alone. But just kids are mean. But my little boy has this thing of I gotta be the boss. So he's got this misguided belief. I need to be a boss. So what does he do? Walks around with his Nerf gun, you know, and he walks around like, like with his, like his shooter. And he's like, I'm the boss, you know? This is like a little innocent six year old, but he wants to be the boss because he's protecting himself from that feeling from three years old. Okay. I watched this whole part develop in a person. So an extreme thing happens, big or small. In the case of Ollie, it was a six year old. Right? In the case of me, it was, it was something much more extreme. Hopefully, Ollie never has to experience that.

• 18:36Gabby Bernstein?

  But whatever it is, we have extreme experiences and we exile them. We exile them. Those are called exiled parts of us.

• 18:45Lewis Howes?

  Exiled parts.

• 18:46Gabby Bernstein?

  These are the little, young, traumatized children that had nowhere to go, no one to care for them, no one to support them. And we said, I'm going to lock that up. Send them into the basement. Don't want to ever talk to that person, see that, see that part of me ever again. And at three years old, five years old, whatever it is, we start to decide, I'm going to do this to protect myself from feeling this. So Ollie's the perfect example. I got bullied. I'm going to start to be the boss so that I never have to feel that fear again of that bully.

• 19:15Lewis Howes?

  Right. So we have, we, and does everyone build these defense mechanisms up?

• 19:19Gabby Bernstein?

  Everyone.

• 19:20Lewis Howes?

  It's just, they look different for each person.

• 19:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. And we have, and then lots of different protectors. And there's two types of protectors. So you're still tracking with me here. I know you are. Just want to make sure that the audience is still tracking with me. I'm going to take this slow. So exiled parts of the young traumatized little children don't want to feel those feelings. So they're too extreme, right, Louis? It's like, how could a child, you can't understand it. Your brain's not able to process it. Most adult brains are, don't have the ability to process that. Or most parents would say, you're fine, you're fine. Just get shut down.

• 19:52Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 19:52Gabby Bernstein?

  If you even did bring it to somebody, you'd be shut down. Right? Especially with, or in cases of, you know, real extreme trauma, you don't feel safe enough to talk about it. Shut it out. Then you build up these protection mechanisms, protector parts. And there's two types of protector parts. But in my book, I really just focus on one type. So we'll stay close to that. There's managers and firefighters. And so the managers are who we talk about in the book. Because the firefighters are who I want people to go to therapy to work with. But the managers are the control free. You know, for me, I'm just gonna name my managers, you know, like one would be like knives out is another one I named. Like if you with me, I'm like knives are out, like, you know, like,

• 20:35Lewis Howes?

  Destroy you. Yeah, that's a manager.

• 20:36Gabby Bernstein?

  Vigilance was a manager for me. Just sort of like anxiety was kind of a manager for me. Think about it, anxiety, right? If I'm anxious and I'm, you know, moving, moving, moving so fast. Like when you first met me, totally out of my body, hadn't remembered the trauma yet, totally scared. I'm gonna cry when I think about that time, you know? That anxiety was actually a form of protection.

• 21:00Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 21:00Gabby Bernstein?

  Because if I'm in anxious state, I don't have to feel the horror and the, this fear and terror of that other state. So that's a manager. The parts of us that are with us all day long, managing the big feelings of the exile. Okay. And then when the managers don't work anymore, like, let's say something very big happens in your life, something extreme, and the managing is no longer working, that's when the firefighters come in. The firefighters will do whatever it takes to put out the fire of those impermissible feelings. And that's when you pick up the drugs, pick up the workaholism, pick up the alcohol, the sex, the porn, the binging,

• 21:46Gabby Bernstein?

  the extreme addictive parts of ourselves. And those are the, the most extreme parts of us are the ones that are working the hardest to keep us safe from those feelings. And then there's good news. You ready for the good news?

• 22:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:01Gabby Bernstein?

  We all have an inner parent inside of us. So that, so those are all the young children inside, right? The exiles, the managers, the firefighters, right? The protectors and the exiles. They're all. Like running our world, right? Where like one trigger happens, this protector shows up. Another trigger happens, it's like protector to protector. It's like a boxing match all day long, walking through life.

• 22:22Lewis Howes?

  Exhausting.

• 22:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Exhausting. Why do people have burnout? Why do people have stress? Why do people have, have?

• 22:27Lewis Howes?

  Chronic pain.

• 22:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Chronic pain. Of course, there's a whole chapter in the book called Body Parts. How the body, like physical pain is a protector.

• 22:35Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 22:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Like if I have a back pain, I don't have to feel my childhood wounds. We're gonna get into that. But the good news is that we all have what Dick Schwartz has coined is self with a capital S. And self is our adult, undamaged, resourced part of who we are. It's the truth of who we are. It's the spirit of who we are. It's the God within us. It is an energy. And self has eight C qualities. Compassion, calm, connection, creativity, courage, clarity, commitment. I'm missing one. I don't even know. I always miss a C. Any, they're, they're all in there.

• 23:19Gabby Bernstein?

  So, and, and connectedness. I, I think I got to them. We'll, we'll find the eight Cs in the book and we'll get these.

• 23:25Lewis Howes?

  Yes, curiosity, compassion, calmness, clarity, creativity, connectedness, courage and confidence.

• 23:30Gabby Bernstein?

  You know, it's so funny. Confidence is the one I always miss, but it's the one that I often feel we're quite connected to. So I won't forget confidence anymore.

• 23:37Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 23:38Gabby Bernstein?

  So I'm gonna really try to keep this simple. So just think about it like you have an inner parent and.

• 23:42Lewis Howes?

  So everyone has an inner parent.

• 23:43Gabby Bernstein?

  We all do. And let's just keep it simple. Let's keep it super simple. You know, those times in your life when let's say Marta came to you and she was really struggling with something. And you just, your heart was filled up with compassion. No matter how extreme the thing that happened to her, you just felt connected to her. You were a calm presence for her. You had deep compassion for her experience. You had clarity on how to communicate. You felt like you had the courage to speak up for what was true. And that really just, it wasn't even what you said, but it was that presence alone that helped her.

• 24:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 24:20Gabby Bernstein?

  You know what I'm talking about?

• 24:20Lewis Howes?

  Yes, of course.

• 24:21Gabby Bernstein?

  That's self energy.

• 24:23Lewis Howes?

  With a capital S.

• 24:24Gabby Bernstein?

  With a capital S. And the thing is.

• 24:26Lewis Howes?

  The adult self.

• 24:28Gabby Bernstein?

  It's your true self.

• 24:30Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 24:31Gabby Bernstein?

  It's your essence. There's a really beautiful quote in the book that I share that's about how self is like the sun behind the clouds.

• 24:46Gabby Bernstein?

  And it's there, but the clouds are just in the way. So self is always been there, right? You feel self in shavasana, you feel self after a long run, you feel self, we're in self right now. Like this is our creative force, right? We're in the flow, like we have so much connection. We have so much creativity, right? We have clarity about what we're talking about. This is self energy right here. Like if you're watching and you're feeling elevated, excited, calm, soothed, that's because our self energy is coming through the screen or through the audio. And so we all have it.

• 25:22Gabby Bernstein?

  It's that we have to release the blocks to the presence of it.

• 25:25Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, and how we release the blocks is how?

• 25:28Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 25:29Lewis Howes?

  Is that through the core beliefs of like understanding?

• 25:31Gabby Bernstein?

  It's a four step practice I put in the book.

• 25:33Lewis Howes?

  Four step practice, okay.

• 25:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, the whole book, so what I've done is I've taken this huge therapy, internal family systems therapy, super in the zeitgeist right now. God bless, it's the most valuable healing modality, particularly for trauma. And it's the kind of thing that I felt only people that were going to find their way to an IFS therapist were going to get this. And I was sitting at a dinner with Dick Schwartz, I hosted a dinner for him. Just again, he's the founder of IFS, started this about forty, forty-three years ago, forty-four years ago.

• 26:04Gabby Bernstein?

  And I was sitting next to Dick and this was shortly after I'd taken the training and we'd become friends. And I looked at him and we're at a dinner, I'm hosting for him. And it's like having Lady Gaga at my house. And I look at him and I'm like, I have to tell you something, I'm scared to tell you this, but I want to write a book called Self Help. Self Help. And I want to make IFS self-help.

• 26:28Gabby Bernstein?

  And he looked at me, his eyes just widened. And he was like, I've always wanted somebody to do that. And in the foreword, he says, you know, I've always been looking for that person with the self-help, spiritual bona fides, and then Gabby's here.

• 26:41Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's cool.

• 26:42Gabby Bernstein?

  And so that's one of the greatest privileges of my life is to take someone else's body of work and translate it.

• 26:48Lewis Howes?

  Right, and you created the four-step process.

• 26:49Gabby Bernstein?

  The four-step is not IFS, it's an IFS-informed self-help practice. And that's really important for me to say, Louis, because if you're going into IFS therapy, you have a therapist with you, you're doing a six-step inquiry, almost like an interview with the parts, it's like an unburdening process, you can work with firefighters and exiles. I am not doing that, I am not a therapist. I'm a spiritual self-help author and teacher. I am trained in internal family systems therapy, but I'm not a therapist. So it was really important for me to take this and make it IFS-informed.

• 27:25Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 27:25Gabby Bernstein?

  So there's the four steps.

• 27:27Lewis Howes?

  IFS-approved.

• 27:28Gabby Bernstein?

  IFS-approved, IFS-informed, it's backed with Dick's blessing, and it's the way that you can take this model into your own hands, safely. Safely is a really important point.

• 27:43Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 27:44Gabby Bernstein?

  Because I'm not trying to guide you to those exiled parts. The book is not trying to work with firefighters. That would be, and I say all throughout the book, like if this happens, if you're with a firefighter, there's an exile, go, you're an IFS therapist registry, go find somebody. But I'm trying to help you access these managers, the extreme parts that are with you all the time, day to day. And through a four-step inquiry, let's self-help.

• 28:16Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 28:16Gabby Bernstein?

  So let me know when you're ready for that.

• 28:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, ready to go.

• 28:19Gabby Bernstein?

  Like, I'm just so excited about this. This is my first real interview about this, so it's like very thrilling to me. Questions before I go on?

• 28:26Lewis Howes?

  Well, there's something you said in chapter three about core beliefs, because I think a lot of people hear about their behaviors and beliefs, and that we have this...

• 28:38Lewis Howes?

  A block based on our beliefs, whether that's a childhood belief or a current belief as an adult. And you say that the hard truth is that although we can make surface level adjustments to our actions, true change can only happen when we heal from within and address the core beliefs that block us from manifesting the life we desire. So I guess would this four step process help us address the core beliefs that are blocking us in manifesting what we want?

• 29:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Exactly.

• 29:06Lewis Howes?

  And if so, then what is that process?

• 29:08Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay, so first of all, 100%, that's exactly the answer. This is the four step process. The other thing is, is how many personal development programs have we sat in where someone's like, oh, you have limiting beliefs? And the limiting beliefs are blocking you. But then you're like, how the do I get rid of these limiting beliefs, right? Like, you never leave and you're like, okay, I know the playbook, right, for changing. Maybe you have a little tip here or a manifesting tool there. And look, you know, I've, I've written, this is my 10th book. So I have nine other books with other practices, which all work, all are valuable, all have their own purpose, right? Particularly spiritual practices in these other books. And they all are bringing you yourself for sure. But this is addressing the actual

• 29:52Gabby Bernstein?

  neural redirection in the brain. Because when you practice this four step method, what's happening is you're rewiring your experience and your relationship to these parts of who you are.

• 30:07Lewis Howes?

  So you're connecting higher self currently to the self that was destructive or harmed or the manager.

• 30:14Gabby Bernstein?

  To the parts.

• 30:15Lewis Howes?

  The parts.

• 30:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 30:16Lewis Howes?

  The manager or firefighter parts of you.

• 30:18Gabby Bernstein?

  That's correct, baby.

• 30:19Lewis Howes?

  That cause stress or anxiety or control or perfectionism or whatever it might be.

• 30:24Gabby Bernstein?

  You're taking all these little people inside of you that have these belief systems that are holding you back. And you're bringing the internal parent of self to them to help them.

• 30:31Lewis Howes?

  So it's almost like we have these, we have multiple personalities or memories or people in us, which is weird to say.

• 30:38Gabby Bernstein?

  We don't even have to say like, they're just parts of us and parts of who we are.

• 30:39Lewis Howes?

  Multiple parts of who we are. And there are some parts that are wounded that we get to heal. And the more of those parts that we can have a, a higher relationship with, a, a more

• 30:52Gabby Bernstein?

  Self to part connection.

• 30:53Lewis Howes?

  Harmonious relationship with.

• 30:54Gabby Bernstein?

  Harmonious is the word. That's right.

• 30:56Lewis Howes?

  If you can create a harmonious relationship from the higher self of you to the wounded self parts of you. Then things are gonna start to flow better in your life.

• 31:06Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, well, yeah.

• 31:07Lewis Howes?

  In every area.

• 31:07Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, because think about it like this, like my controller part, I've done so much work with her. You can gender these parts of you, or they have no gender, they could have the opposite gender, it doesn't like sort of whatever is intuitive for you. My parts are female, so so I have that controller part that you knew for so long, or the anxiety part, right? Even to think about all where we were maybe 10 years ago in these conversations to where I am with you right now. And how much more self-energy you feel in this moment. It's making me cry, it means so much to me that you've been there with me.

• 31:37Lewis Howes?

  It's been like, what, 13, 14 years, 15 years maybe, since I met you, yeah. 2008, I met you.

• 31:42Gabby Bernstein?

  And when you first met me, like, I was like parts on fire, right? Like, like on, literally on fire. I was a workaholic.

• 31:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 31:48Gabby Bernstein?

  Really extreme, really extreme, I was sober, but like workaholism, I was just extreme anxiety, didn't know that I had trauma, so I was living in hyper vigilance. I was so scared all the time, I was so controlling, I was, it was just like, I was doing, you can still be going through hard things and do beautiful things in the world.

• 32:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you still get results in life.

• 32:08Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, and do good, but you can, but you might be having a lot of struggle, right? And so as a result of this, this model and what I'm gonna teach everybody today, and living this and developing this and practicing this and every day being, checking in with these parts of me, checking with these parts of me. I've unburdened them. And so it's not that they go away, it's that they're not extreme anymore.

• 32:31Lewis Howes?

  Interesting, so the parts that were wounded are still inside of you.

• 32:35Gabby Bernstein?

  They're no longer wounded.

• 32:37Lewis Howes?

  You feel them.

• 32:37Gabby Bernstein?

  They're in their, they're in their beautifully developed chrysalis, their new, for instance. The part of me that was a controller, I mean, that part did good things, right? She wrote 10 books in 14 years, right?

• 32:48Lewis Howes?

  Took action, got things done.

• 32:49Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, but now she can be in the flow, right? Like now she can be like, I don't have to force my way to like get this thing to there, da, da, da. I'm like, oh, you know what, Louis, like, I'm gonna be in LA, like, does that work? I'll be there, like, I can show up with an energy, she's, she's, she's, she's on top. But she's, but she's trusting.

• 33:09Lewis Howes?

  She's not forcing.

• 33:10Gabby Bernstein?

  Not forcing anything. She's just relaxed, like in the presence. So it's still like, so it's like a really great quality to have that control part present because she gets things done, but without craziness, right?

• 33:22Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, right, right. Chaos.

• 33:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Without chaos.

• 33:24Lewis Howes?

  And so these parts of us that once controlled us or hurt us, to try to protect us because they all had an intention to serve us, but they didn't help the self, really at our highest self.

• 33:38Gabby Bernstein?

  They're blocking self. They're blocking self.

• 33:39Lewis Howes?

  Blocking self, but they're an attempt to try to protect us.

• 33:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally.

• 33:43Lewis Howes?

  Uh, these parts of us, when we can have a relationship, a harmonious relationship with them through healing and mending those wounds, then we can use them for good.

• 33:51Gabby Bernstein?

  That's great. That, yeah. You're so great at like digesting and bringing it back. Yeah, it's beautiful. That, that self right there in action, clarity. Clarity is one of those qualities of self. So you have such a good job of listening, thinking, pulling it together and bringing it back.

• 34:03Lewis Howes?

  And it sounds like we, we could, you know, by doing the self-help work, um, and by following this four-step process that we're to cover in a second and just going through the book, it sounds like when we can start to have a different relationship with these parts of us that have caused us pain and suffering, but also try to protect us. If we can start to have a new relationship by mending those relationships, it can get a lot better, but it doesn't mean those things could come back at some point if we don't keep having a relationship with them in a healthy way. So you might be six months, I feel better, but then something triggers you and you go back to the wounded part of you that says, I don't feel safe.

• 34:39Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 34:40Lewis Howes?

  You need to control this. You need to protect this. You need to be a perfectionist in this moment, whatever it is, hypervigilance. And so it's a, it's a constant relationship and a conversation of checking in, it sounds like.

• 34:50Gabby Bernstein?

  It's called the check-in process.

• 34:51Lewis Howes?

  Okay, cool.

• 34:52Gabby Bernstein?

  Four-step check-in.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  All right, here we go.

• 34:53Gabby Bernstein?

  And I like that because everybody has a few minutes to check in, right? Or a few seconds to check in throughout the day and. The simplicity of it being this four steps of checking in with the part makes it such that you can have this relationship to the part rather than why are you doing this? It's why the pain, right? That's like what Gabor Maté always says, like, not why the addiction, why the pain? And so by every moment when you notice a trigger or you have this space in your body to like, see, oh, you know, I'm out of alignment right now.

• 35:34Gabby Bernstein?

  In those moments checking in are these moment to moment experiences of presence with bringing self to these parts. So I'll break it down for you.

• 35:48Lewis Howes?

  Give me a specific example in your life that maybe a part of you that comes up sometimes? That causes you anxiety or stress or?

• 35:56Gabby Bernstein?

  And how I would do the steps.

• 35:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, your team are like, oh, Gabby's in that mode, her part of her, you know, is coming out in this moment, you know? Okay.

• 36:02Gabby Bernstein?

  They're watching right now. They're like, oh, this is sure.

• 36:05Lewis Howes?

  You're being a perfectionist or she's over controlling or she's whatever it is.

• 36:08Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, exactly, yeah.

• 36:09Lewis Howes?

  So whatever that part is for you that maybe has tended to come up a lot in the past. Can you give me an example of how you could use this while you're sharing what these four steps are?

• 36:18Gabby Bernstein?

  Okay, so the protector that's freaking out, right? She's freaking out because something isn't going the way she wants, right? So she's the freaking out protector, actually doing a lot of work with her in therapy right now, so it's nice. And I do IFS therapy, so of course. And she's having a freak out, like, you know, some emails isn't good or like the things aren't working as fast. The team is not working as fast as possible or she feels like she has a burden belief, right? This freak out girl, her belief is if I don't do it, nobody else will.

• 36:51Lewis Howes?

  Zing.

• 36:52Gabby Bernstein?

  And so she is maybe just like, and she also has another, and I'm cursing a lot, but just bleep me, okay? But she has another phrase that she says, which is like, what the is going on here? And when I think about her. I think about, okay, so let me give you the check in process. So let's say I notice she's coming in, she's showing up. And I'm like, oh, I notice her. I have enough awareness to be like, she's here. She needs help. So I need self to help, self help me. I'll say that again. I need self to help, self help me. I, you know, have that awareness. I choose to check in. Step one. Choose to check in.

• 37:34Lewis Howes?

  Make a choice.

• 37:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, because. Remember, parts are like little children. So if you try to force something on a little child, like if I try to go to Ollie and say to him, bro, what the hell is going on? You seem upset, let's talk about it. He's like, no mommy, like get away mommy, right? So he, there has to be some buy in, okay? So there's some buy in and I'm going to choose to check in.

• 37:58Lewis Howes?

  So is that the adult self choosing to check in? Or is that the child self choosing to check in?

• 38:03Gabby Bernstein?

  It's both. Okay, so it's, it's the choice.

• 38:06Lewis Howes?

  You're both choosing to connect.

• 38:08Gabby Bernstein?

  Choice is a self like quality. But the part has to make the choice.

• 38:12Lewis Howes?

  So it's like what you said with your son. If he's not willing to reciprocate, like saying, let's talk about what's going on. And he's like, no, screw you mommy, or whatever he's saying. Then that's not a check in. Both parts need to check in.

• 38:23Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, it, it, it has to be my presence as self and his willingness.

• 38:27Lewis Howes?

  Willingness to receive or talk.

• 38:29Gabby Bernstein?

  Openness, yeah.

• 38:30Lewis Howes?

  Got it, okay.

• 38:31Gabby Bernstein?

  So.

• 38:31Lewis Howes?

  Not that your son would say, screw you mommy, but I'm just saying like.

• 38:34Gabby Bernstein?

  You never know.

• 38:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:34Gabby Bernstein?

  You never know.

• 38:35Lewis Howes?

  We're sixteen, yeah, yeah.

• 38:36Gabby Bernstein?

  Six years old, he might say things like that. He would say, screw you mommy.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:40Gabby Bernstein?

  So, uh, who makes me think of like Cartman? Do you know that I do a really good Cartman? Skitty man. I'm getting him.

• 38:48Lewis Howes?

  That's good, that's good.

• 38:49Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm really good at it.

• 38:49Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 38:49Gabby Bernstein?

  Uh, okay, so.

• 38:50Lewis Howes?

  Choose to check in.

• 38:51Gabby Bernstein?

  So choose to check in, detour from Cartman.

• 38:53Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 38:54Gabby Bernstein?

  Choose to check in. So you have this awareness that the part's triggered and you're saying, okay, I'm going to choose to check in right now. So you, you, step one, that's it, choose. And if you know that you feel that buy in, like, okay, the part's ready to go, we can get, we can keep going, right? Choosing to check in is also just sometimes even having the awareness that you need to check in. Cause that's like step one. Step two is curiosity. Become curious. These are all C qualities, remember, right? So it's like acting as if. And so the curiosity is start. So I'm in this place where this manager is up and she's like, what the going on here? I have to do everything. Nobody else will do it. And so I choose to check in with her and I become curious and I start to

• 39:36Gabby Bernstein?

  notice the feelings and the thoughts and the sensations inside. As you're asking her questions, like, where do you feel that in your body? And she's like, I'm not breathing and there's tension in my chest. And I start to say, you know, what kind of thoughts or sensations? And her thoughts are like, what the is going on here?

• 39:56Lewis Howes?

  Why is this happening?

• 39:57Gabby Bernstein?

  And I ask her for any images or visions. And she shows me my six year old self in my dining room with my pigtails. And I'm screaming, no bumps, no bumps. Because the only way that I could find control in this out of control life that I had was to control the bumps in my pigtails.

• 40:19Lewis Howes?

  To make your hair like look perfect or whatever.

• 40:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Right. And so she's, so this girl that's now this adult that's screaming, what the is going on here is the little girl. I, this is the vision she showed, that she shows me. The little girl screaming, no bumps with the pigtails. So I start having all the, I flash out this information about her. You can see I'm like, I could tear up as I think about her. And that connection that you, can you feel that connection I'm having with her right now?

• 40:39Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 40:40Gabby Bernstein?

  That connection shows me that there's some self energy here. Okay. And so as soon as you start to feel some kind of connection to that part, the third step happens. And by the way, you can spend as much time as you want in curiosity. You could just ask more questions, let the parts speak. The parts want to speak. Step three, compassionate connection. So I can look at that little girl and I can ask her.

• 41:09Gabby Bernstein?

  Little Gabby, what do you need right now? And right away, she'll, she'll speak back. She'll say, you know, at times she said things like, I need a mom.

• 41:20Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 41:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Or, I need, I need to rest. Or I need to play. I need to scream. I need, you know, they're just speaking for what they need, right? I need to speak up. I need to be heard. And so the little voice gets to speak up and say what they need. And once that response comes through internally, the fourth step is to check for C qualities of self. So you scan your inner system and you ask yourself, do I feel any connection? Yes, right now in this moment, I just did the check in with little Gabby and I feel connected to her. Do I feel compassion? Holy, right now I feel so much compassion for her. Do I feel clarity? Yes, she just showed me, it's a little girl, right? She showed me exactly where she was.

• 42:05Gabby Bernstein?

  I feel clear what she needs. Do I feel calm? I feel calm, even more calm right now, just having done that check in process out loud with you. Connected? Oh, yes.

• 42:15Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 42:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Courageous, much more courageous. Clarity, I think I said. Confidence, I got confidence.

• 42:22Lewis Howes?

  The one that you're remembering now, confidence.

• 42:23Gabby Bernstein?

  Creativity.

• 42:24Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 42:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Check for Cs, even if you just have one C quality of self show up, you feel a little bit more calm, you feel a little bit more compassionate, you feel a little more connected. You've done the four steps. You've done the four steps, even if you just get to check in, to choose to check in. Just even the decision to check in for two seconds is the check in process.

• 42:43Lewis Howes?

  Because if you're not starting step one, then you're just going to stay in fight or flight.

• 42:47Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 42:48Lewis Howes?

  You know, control freak anxiety, or whatever your manager is, is doing.

• 42:52Gabby Bernstein?

  Your manager won't have enough of a pause to pivot. Because the managers, we can become blended with the managers, which means we believe that we are that, right? Those times in your life when you get so worked up, right? And you're so, that you're like. I am the only one that can do this. Or, you know, the only way to live life is to fight back and tell everybody else that they're wrong. It's the only way to live. And if anybody challenges that, like, that's, they're gone. Right? So we're blended with these parts.

• 43:25Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 43:26Gabby Bernstein?

  So the only way to start this check-in process is to slightly unblend by choosing to check in.

• 43:31Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Because otherwise, you are those parts in that moment.

• 43:34Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, and there's gonna be plenty of times when we're so blended that we can't do the check-in until two hours later, two days later.

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  Until you can reflect, you take a nap, you sleep.

• 43:43Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, you can check in hours later.

• 43:45Lewis Howes?

  You're out of the environment.

• 43:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Most of the time when people start this work, they're gonna find themselves the next day being like, ooh, what happened there? And then just check in, right? But you should start with little, that's why I want to work with managers, because this is about a process, right? It's like making it a habit.

• 44:01Gabby Bernstein?

  Do it with the small moments, right? So like, just, just this morning, you know, like, or yesterday, right? I arrived in L.A. I was like, kind of overwhelmed by the energy. Didn't love like the view out of my hotel room. This is, it sounds like a luxury problem, but like, the energy's really important for me.

• 44:20Lewis Howes?

  Of course, if you're staying on a wall or something.

• 44:21Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm staring at like a Chase bank. I was just like, where, you know, I was like, in this, and then you're like, you know, I, I want to have a good vibe right now. And so I was seeing that controller come in, and she wasn't too bad, but she did ask my, my assistant to call five other hotels. And like, you know, very lovingly asked, you know? And at night, and then she's like, I don't want to ever come back to L.A. Like, she's like, and so instead of like, actually, I did fire off an email to my PR team, it was like, cancel the October trip. And then I was like, chill, okay. So I came back and I rewrote the email, I was like, don't cancel the October trip. And then I checked in with her.

• 44:56Lewis Howes?

  Wow, wow, okay.

• 44:58Gabby Bernstein?

  And so she wasn't like, that's just like, this is a day-to-day thing that normally we're just acting out in these ways. And we don't actually, maybe we come out of it because we just got some logic, but we never tend to it. And so I was like, oh, what do you need, honey? And so I just checked in with her and I heard her and she's like, I just want to feel like warm and safe and I just want to feel like I've got a good energy around me. And what do I need right now? I need to find the right place to land when I get here and I need to just sort of sort those things out. And I started to feel calmer as I checked for those seed qualities. And so this is where the manifesting comes in. Okay, so she calmed down last night, okay? She slept great.

• 45:43Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 45:44Gabby Bernstein?

  She woke up, she's like, I'm gonna see Louis tonight. She worked out, it was like 5 a.m. because I'm on East Coast, I was like, let's go work out.

• 45:52Gabby Bernstein?

  I was feeling great, I sat down, I had makeup done, I was like, super chill. And I'm like, you know, I think my makeup artist, who you met Christine, and I was like, you know, Christine, I'm like, I had this whole drama yesterday, I'm like, all I really want is like, high vibe, energy, super connected, I want to, I want to find my hotel in L.A. I have to be out here all the time, I want to just make it my home, like leave a toothbrush, like, I want that, and then like, I'm coming back in October and I really want to have like a retreaty vibe for two days because I need to write when I'm here and it's a weekend when I'm here. I'm like, this is what I want. And I was like, it'll happen, like the universe is gonna deliver it. I call our mutual friend Jeff Krasno, because I was like,

• 46:29Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh, oh, he's got an amazing place.

• 46:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Because I got the hit and I was like, you know, she's called Jeff, right?

• 46:32Lewis Howes?

  He's got the whole commune, it's like,

• 46:34Gabby Bernstein?

  But I wasn't even calling Jeff.

• 46:35Lewis Howes?

  It's a sanctuary, you know?

• 46:35Gabby Bernstein?

  I was calling him about something totally different, okay? I called Jeff and I'm like, hey, what, you know, and then I was like, oh, you know what? As I'm talking to him, I'm like, I'm like, just call me about getting on the podcast. And I was like, hey, what, bro, I'm like, wait, when I come in L.A., you're gonna be doing a retreat in Topanga. And I was like, wait a second, I'm like, let me come for two days in Topanga, like, is there a place for me to write? And can I like come do yoga with Skylar and can I like, can you take your class and eat food with you guys? And he's like, of course you can. And I was like, and then I was like, wait a second, hold on. So I just found my two days, my little retreat to go write, right? And then I look at my calendar, I'm like, wait a second, I have a podcast interview in Topanga on Friday. Somebody's showing up in Topanga. And then I'm on the phone with Jeff and he's like, you gotta call Robin Burz in, she's in L.A., call Burz right now. She's staying at the Soho House, I was like, wait a second.

• 47:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Second, I'm a member at the So House. There's a So House here.

• 47:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:24Gabby Bernstein?

  And all the time I thought there was no hotel. So I'm like, hold on a second. So I call Rob and she's like, get in the hotel. I call the hotel. There will be one room left. Get in the hotel. I was saving so much money going over to this other hotel that I want to be with, with my, one of my best friends tonight. I find my hotel that I want. I mean, it sounds like a stupid luxury thing, but look how fast the manifesting was. And then boom, I was in the flow. Here I am. And I've got this whole next trip in October, totally sorted. With the trip to Topanga, the hotel that's going to make me feel safe, the community I want to be with, the creative space to do my writing. Now, did a controlling, type A person make that happen? No.

• 48:04Gabby Bernstein?

  A creative, calm, connected, curious, right?

• 48:10Lewis Howes?

  Compassionate.

• 48:11Gabby Bernstein?

  We keep forgetting curiosity is self-energy. Curiosity.

• 48:14Lewis Howes?

  Compassionate.

• 48:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Was just like curious, right? Curiosity said, let me call Krasno and see if he can do a podcast. And then he asked me about Topanga, right? Hello? Sounds stupid, but that, that, but my, my makeup artist was like, that all just fell into place like a domino in 30 minutes. Like, that feels really weird to me. I was like, this is how.

• 48:30Lewis Howes?

  It was this morning?

• 48:31Gabby Bernstein?

  It was, it was right before I came out. And so like, but that whole like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, working out the details, that's how life is meant to be. We're meant to be in the flow and the awe and the synchronicity of self.

• 48:44Lewis Howes?

  Yes. You talk about, uh, in one of your books, Becoming a Super Attractor. How can we become a super attractor by applying this method? Cause it sounds like you applied the method and you wouldn't have been able to figure this out if you were in stress and control and manager freak out. Control freak mode, you know, that little part of you is back in that like, it needs to be a perfect pigtails or whatever. So how can you attract abundantly? Without managing the parts of us that are wounded?

• 49:15Gabby Bernstein?

  So we wouldn't want to manage the parts of us. We'd want to bring self, we wouldn't let self help them, right? Just for language purposes.

• 49:21Lewis Howes?

  So it's not managing them?

• 49:23Gabby Bernstein?

  Right. Cause managers are managing, right?

• 49:24Lewis Howes?

  You can't manage the managers.

• 49:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, you can't, that's correct. Managing the managers is like when the firefighters come in or, you know, that's right. That's managed. You're really getting it. It's so cool. Um, people might have to listen to this episode twice or read the book, right? Read the book, right? It's all there. So, um, there's no way that you can manifest effortlessly. Unless you have tended to these protector parts. Because.

• 49:49Gabby Bernstein?

  You might have a lot of things you can create in your life, but you're upper limiting yourself. You're going to hit ceilings, glass ceilings.

• 49:56Lewis Howes?

  You won't be able to break through certain levels.

• 49:58Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, because your sheer will can get you some of the way there. And you know, whatever. And you might have a little bit of moments where that creative flow comes in, but then you just sort of block it again or you know, but to live in the flow.

• 50:10Lewis Howes?

  Effortless.

• 50:11Gabby Bernstein?

  To say it and it will be. This morning, I would like a retreat center and a home base in LA. And 30 seconds later, clarity and curiosity. Call Jeff, get curious, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Because manifesting isn't about just sitting around and nothing happens. You're doing, but to be a super attractor and to be a co-creator, you have to dwell in the energy of creativity.

• 50:36Gabby Bernstein?

  You have to be calm. You have to be faithful, right? You have to be connected. You have to be courageous to take the action with, with that flow energy. You have to be curious about what's possible. You have to be creative, absolutely creative, creative, creative, creative. You cannot be judging yourself. You have to be compassionate toward every part of who you are. And so we are all super attractors. We all have self in us. We all have the ability to live with ease, no matter what our circumstances might be. But there are absolutely some of us who have far more privilege than others. Let's be real about that, right? Like for those of us that are in Western cultures, those of us who can watch this podcast right now, we have privilege. And those of us who have that privilege, it is our responsibility to do the self-help work,

• 51:22Gabby Bernstein?

  to clean up our side of the street, to get more flow in our life. Because in that flow, we can serve more people.

• 51:27Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 51:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Period.

• 51:28Lewis Howes?

  That's true. Isn't it amazing? And I'm sure people watching or listening right now, I've had those moments. I'm sure everyone has had those moments where like, God, I feel just like, things aren't working and I'm frustrated, but then you get centered. Maybe you didn't know you were doing some of these steps, but you get re-centered. And you say, in a world of possibilities, what can I create? And you call a friend and you say, I'm struggling with this thing. And it's like, who do we know that could help with this? Who, let's start brainstorming. You start to get creative. You don't even know you're doing these steps where you start to say like, we need to find a solution. Who do we know? What can we, who can we call? Who can do this for us? Who can support us? And you kind of naturally do these things, right? Some, I feel like everyone watching or listening has probably had those moments where it's like, wow, a synchronicity came up or the idea to call this person like you did came up

• 52:13Lewis Howes?

  and everything fell into place.

• 52:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes.

• 52:16Lewis Howes?

  And I think the goal. With this book, which I'm understanding, is to give people the tools on how to do that every single day.

• 52:23Gabby Bernstein?

  Make that the normo.

• 52:24Lewis Howes?

  The norm, not like this happened like twice a year.

• 52:27Gabby Bernstein?

  And he was, yeah.

• 52:28Lewis Howes?

  You know, for most people, it's like once a year, maybe.

• 52:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Cause it's an important point. We all have self, we have moments of self, but we live in protectors.

• 52:36Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 52:37Gabby Bernstein?

  And so the more self-help that we do, in this case, you know, IFS informed self-help that we do, that I'm suggesting, the more our protectors start to become unburdened, the more harmonious we feel inside.

• 52:53Gabby Bernstein?

  And when we start to feel that inner balance and that inner harmony and that inner connection and that inner clarity and calmness, our life just becomes this happy dream.

• 53:04Lewis Howes?

  Here's something that I've realized, which most, I mean, most of my life that you've known me,

• 53:11Lewis Howes?

  I was like working my butt off to create and to generate results. I was getting them, right? And New York Times bestseller and all these different things happened, just like you. It's like, we're able to build businesses and launch stuff and do things. But I remember feeling like I was a six or a seven out of a 10, like internally, you know?

• 53:31Gabby Bernstein?

  Me too.

• 53:31Lewis Howes?

  Consistently, I was like living my, and sometimes like four, you know, three or four.

• 53:37Lewis Howes?

  And I was like, I don't know how I'm able to get these results, feeling so emotionally drained, feeling disconnected at times, feeling frustrated or anxious or obsessive or whatever the feelings I was feeling, the parts of me that were coming out. And I remember just thinking, God, I wonder what life would be like if I was at like an eight, nine or 10 consistently, internally.

• 53:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 53:57Lewis Howes?

  With self, but also in relationship with, you know, an intimate partner, which I would never had really a healthy relationship with. And I'm not here to talk about previous relationships or blame anyone. It was more my work that I needed to do.

• 54:11Gabby Bernstein?

  It was your parts, right? Can you see how now that really burdened parts were attracting that?

• 54:13Lewis Howes?

  That attracted certain people that stayed in relationships, that was afraid to get out.

• 54:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Acting out and that pattern.

• 54:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 54:20Lewis Howes?

  But the thing that I've noticed that, man, life has gotten so good when you can create that self-help for self and you can blend it with another person who's also doing that work. It is magic. It is like,

• 54:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, full chills right now.

• 54:36Lewis Howes?

  I don't know, magical potion that you just. There, there isn't a day that goes by where Martha and I don't look at each other and where we look at each other where we say, God, life is incredible. It's almost daily. Now, there is still life that's happening. There's, she's gone through some extreme challenges earlier this year. You know, uh, family members having some, some different pains and sicknesses and diseases. And there's still life that's happening. There's still bad things that are happening and grief and sadness and loss and anxieties. But for the most part, we're able to bring it back to the higher self, even while being in

• 55:19Lewis Howes?

  those emotions of sadness and fear and anxiety that happen in life and frustrations in business, or whatever it might be. But we're able to bring it back to self individually and together. And when you can blend it in a relationship, from my experience, what I've noticed, just you're super, you're, you're two super attractors that are attracting and manifesting together. It is unbelievable. And life feels like anything is possible. And it's also like, anything is possible and I don't need anything else.

• 55:49Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 55:50Lewis Howes?

  It's like, more is coming and if it doesn't come, I'm so happy without it.

• 55:54Gabby Bernstein?

  You're defining the, the dream scenario, which isn't a dream. Let's not call it a dream. The, the way it's supposed to be, right? That what we all have the capacity of having. And what it is, is two humans who have done a tremendous amount of self-help work in whatever form that came, that healed and got to a place of core safety inside. And when two safe humans come together, magic can happen.

• 56:23Lewis Howes?

  And you can create.

• 56:24Gabby Bernstein?

  And you keep doing the self-help work, right? It's not like you're still curious every day. What more can I do? How can I help little Louis? What can I do? Like, the, the, the part, the part of you that was actually so successful, but at a six or a four. You were living with self like qualities, right? So it was almost like you can be.

• 56:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's there.

• 56:46Gabby Bernstein?

  You can feel creativity here. You can feel that connection there.

• 56:48Lewis Howes?

  It's not as flowing, it's not as consistent.

• 56:50Gabby Bernstein?

  It's not harmonious, right? But it's still great and it's still there. And that's the way many successful people live. It's like, you're like, this thing is all great here, but I still feel like inside. You know what I mean? So, and that's very common. But I want to sort of make people feel, feel seen in this conversation right now, which is that we all have exiles. We all have protectors. We all have lived and we'll, we'll see them. But the more, the reality, the bottom line is the promises that the more you tend to these young parts of yourself inside and care for them, starting with a book like this, and then maybe taking it to therapy and then whatever it is, maybe it's not my books and somebody

• 57:33Gabby Bernstein?

  else's, whatever that is, going deep into the inner healing. The more free you are inside, the more free your life becomes. The more free flowing, the more you attract, the more you manifest and the more steady, stable and safe you are when big.

• 57:50Lewis Howes?

  Consistently. I'll give you an example. Recently I had my event Summit of Greatness recently and Esther Perel, I'm interviewing Esther on stage at one point. And we had a massive mess up in terms of the production. We had, this has never happened to be in seven to eight years of doing this event. And we, we have this whole introduction. You've spoken at my.

• 58:12Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, it's the best.

• 58:12Lewis Howes?

  We have this whole introduction with the music.

• 58:15Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, yeah, it's the best moment.

• 58:16Lewis Howes?

  The fire, the smoke and the video of the person on screen.

• 58:19Gabby Bernstein?

  Pyro.

• 58:19Lewis Howes?

  They're supposed to come out and we played the video and Esther wasn't ready. So the whole video, people are screaming for her cheering and Matt backstage is like, she's not ready.

• 58:30Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

• 58:32Lewis Howes?

  And there was a part of me, I go back and I look at that while everyone's standing ovation, there's no one on stage. And I just think to myself, well, it's an opportunity. I go, the show must go on and how can I show up? You know, how can I show up as a higher self?

• 58:47Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 58:48Lewis Howes?

  And not a frustrated part of me, right? How can I show up and make the most of this? And so I go out on stage and I go, hey, guys.

• 58:57Lewis Howes?

  Uh, you know, I made a mistake and I, you know, I messed up Pearl. I kind of made a joke. I go, I messed up Pearl. I made a mistake. Esther's not ready. Uh, so we're gonna do this all over again in a little bit when she comes back.

• 59:08Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 59:09Lewis Howes?

  You know, and just to let you guys know that life doesn't always happen perfectly and there's certain things that are out of your control. And you just try to own the moment and make the most of it.

• 59:17Gabby Bernstein?

  That's the whole thing.

• 59:18Lewis Howes?

  And even though it felt like this massive breakdown, and it was in terms of what we wanted to create.

• 59:24Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 59:25Lewis Howes?

  I know that I could go into my wounded part of me that is frustrated that someone on my team didn't get the right cue. Or we messed up the timing or someone wasn't paying attention or, or I wasn't doing the right thing, whatever it is. I could have gone right into blame, frustration, anger, perfectionism, like you need to look a certain way. Embarrassment, shame, like, oh no, Esther's gonna feel angry at me. I don't know, whatever these younger parts of me that felt wounded. But quickly, I was just like, how can we manage this the best way possible and how can I serve people? And so I went back on stage and I said, I'm here to serve. And we did like a 10 minute Q and A until I got the cue that she was ready.

• 1:00:05Lewis Howes?

  And we did it all over again and it was fun. And Esther on stage when we were doing the interview, she didn't even really know this was happening. Uh, you're like, she was in her green room, but on stage she was like, what is a part of you that is, you know, evolved? Or that used to be something that would, would affect someone in a relationship with you? That would be maybe unbearable or something. And I said, well, this all happened just now. And there was also like noise happening in the background behind stage was very distracting. Like, I don't know who it was, but people were like making noise and things were slamming while we're on stage during this interview. And I said, the old part of me would have probably stopped this interview in front of 4,000 plus people and like screamed at people in the back.

• 1:00:48Lewis Howes?

  They're like, guys, what are you doing? Shut up. You know, we're in the middle of this. Like be quiet. Like five, 80 years ago, the old me. I would have freaked out on people for like messing things up, behind the scenes, whatever it is. The old part of me would have done that. But the new part of me is just like managing it in my mind and just saying it's all gonna be okay. You know, there's some disturbance, they're gonna handle it. Don't try to control it all. Be as present as I can be. It's not exactly the way I want it to be, but be as present as I can be and serve. It just went back into service.

• 1:01:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes.

• 1:01:20Lewis Howes?

  How can I serve even though it's not perfect? Even though it's uncomfortable, even though there's disturbances, even though it didn't flow the right way? How can I get back to service? And I felt myself very calm. I didn't feel like angry or frustrated. I was like annoyed. But I didn't go back into the wounded part of me that would freak out.

• 1:01:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Because you've unburdened that part of yourself. Yeah, because you've you've brought so much self-energy to him, to that part.

• 1:01:45Lewis Howes?

  And it feels, you know, again, in those moments, there's stressful moments that you're like, oh, I don't like this.

• 1:01:50Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:50Lewis Howes?

  But you don't have to react to it.

• 1:01:52Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, that's actually one of the benefits of starting to have more access to self, right? Because remember, we all have self. So it's not like you're getting something. You're just creating more access to it.

• 1:02:01Lewis Howes?

  Capital self, right?

• 1:02:02Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, self-energy, that that energy of calm, connection, compassion, curiosity, right? So that calmness that you had there was a result of you having done all this great transformational work on yourself. And so now, as this adult, resource, beautiful soul, not just, not like a literal adult, right? Because you are an adult, but like there's just sort of this like new nature.

• 1:02:19Lewis Howes?

  Emotional adult, yeah.

• 1:02:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Correct. You you can tend, you can care for yourself in different ways. You feel less burdened. You're not as extreme or reactive. And so when things that used to burden you happen, you can actually be more calm in those experiences. And that's because you've established a stronger access to self-energy. And we, like I said, we never lose self. We've just blocked it. It's been the sun behind the clouds. And I want to make sure I quote the right person. I think it was Stephen Krantz, the the sun behind the clouds. And we start to release those clouds and the sun starts to shine. And so in that presence of that sun that you live in, that light that you live in now, these annoying situations can happen and you can actually turn them into magic and goals.

• 1:03:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Give people an extra Q and A, witness yourself in a transformation, use it as a tool, you know, um.

• 1:03:12Lewis Howes?

  A teaching moment or whatever it is.

• 1:03:13Gabby Bernstein?

  And I also want to point out, like, this is, you can do all this work and all this work and still freak out, right? So like the other day, we're in your studio and I was sort of in my old, it was in the studio I work in in New York initially, the lighting's so. And I walked in and like the controller was hardcore and I love the people that worked there. They're so beautiful, but I was just like, this lighting's crap. Like fix this lighting, it's making me look like a skeleton. Like, I don't like this. I, this is like, I might as well, I was like kind of in that place. I was like, I might as well not even, you're a little girl, right? I might as well not even, why am I even shooting the video? I should just do the audio, like this is bad, we should fix this. And then I calmed down, I did, checked in, checked in. I went to the back room, I checked in, came back, I said, guys, I'm totally freaking out. And I'm still quite serious about the lighting and it's something I really want to fix.

• 1:03:57Gabby Bernstein?

  And I'm actually going to move some lights around right now with your permission. But, and I'm going to send an email personally and from my producer to the studio. Cause I want to work on the situation, it's a problem. But it's not, you know, but you guys are great and like, I love you and I, thank you for bearing with me.

• 1:04:13Lewis Howes?

  Not your fault, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Thank you for letting me be controlling in that moment and just being so calm in my presence, even whatever. So you're going to have, it's your comeback rate, right? I walked in and I was in this attitude of like, what the is going on here, right? The little girl, pigtails.

• 1:04:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:31Gabby Bernstein?

  And I checked in, came back new. Any moment.

• 1:04:35Lewis Howes?

  I think that's really interesting what you said because we're all human beings. We're going to have human moments.

• 1:04:41Lewis Howes?

  It's when someone is willing to take accountability, that's when you have more respect for that person and trust for that person.

• 1:04:46Gabby Bernstein?

  Absolutely.

• 1:04:48Lewis Howes?

  You know, and hopefully we can catch ourselves within five to 20 minutes or whatever. And just like, listen, I had a freak out moment.

• 1:04:53Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 1:04:53Lewis Howes?

  I own it, I apologize, it's not about you guys, I was doing my own stuff. And when you can do that, you can mend those relationships faster too.

• 1:05:00Gabby Bernstein?

  They become even more connected.

• 1:05:01Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 1:05:02Gabby Bernstein?

  That's what they, they call in IFS, speak for the part, not as the part.

• 1:05:07Lewis Howes?

  How does that look?

• 1:05:08Gabby Bernstein?

  So you had that experience happen on stage. It wasn't what you wanted. It was a little bit of a show, there was noise in the background. It's not like you're so zen now that you don't give a crap and that you don't say anything or you don't ask your team to do it better. But old Louis might've been like, as the part, what the, guys, what's going on here? How could you let me down like this? Why are you doing this? Make everybody leave feeling shame and blamed. Of course, we all have adult resource self-connected, self with a capital S, connected Louis can maybe next week, you know, we do a postmortem on the event. And you're like, you know what, guys? I'm gonna speak for the part of me that was pretty activated.

• 1:05:49Gabby Bernstein?

  You know, it was like I was on the stage and I was kind of like frustrated and I just want to speak for that. Cause like it's real and like, I really, I really want this team to be the best that we can be. And with no blame or shame or all, I just want to really just highlight this, this area that things could have been a little bit different. Maybe you guys, I'm curious, like, do you guys have any ideas of things that we could do differently next time? And, you know, I just want to make sure we connect on that, even use the C words, right? Like, I'm curious, can we connect on that? And, you know, do you have any creative ideas or possibilities for how we could do it differently?

• 1:06:19Lewis Howes?

  I'm trying to get clarity here.

• 1:06:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, and it's not even about the words, it's the energy, right? If you, you could say anything to someone, Louis, as long as you're in self. Now, it's such a tricky thing to say, right? It's not like you can't say like, you can't like say a racist comment to somebody in self-energy, but you can say far more difficult things in self than you otherwise would ever be able to say. And if you don't have self and you're saying all the right things, won't work.

• 1:06:44Lewis Howes?

  That's true. It's so interesting you said that because it brought something up for me. I have so many memories from childhood and my teen years where kind of mentors and leaders that I was around, coaches, teachers, speakers, when I went to events.

• 1:06:59Lewis Howes?

  I don't remember a lot of things they said, but I remember the energy, right? The energy they brought to me, I think my Angelo talks about like.

• 1:07:04Gabby Bernstein?

  You'll remember how they make you feel, yeah.

• 1:07:05Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. And I remember this specific moment, I've said this every time I met with Tony Robbins. My, my dad bought two tickets to one of his events for me and my mom when I was 16. And I was, it was a big arena tour, it was like 15,000 people. It wasn't his main UPW, it was like a three-day multi-speaker thing that he used to do, he no longer does. And my dad got a seat, imagine like a basketball arena, like the big NBA arena. But we're sitting kind of on the court with seats, like tons of rows in the court. And I'm sitting. You know, in the half court and the stage is over by the end of the arena. And he gets off stage and walks down and he's getting closer to me. This is the first time I've ever been to a Tony Robbins event, really even knew anything about him. Sixteen years old.

• 1:07:48Lewis Howes?

  He walks down and he stops like right next to me in the aisle. And I'm like looking up at Tony and it was like this massive presence. I still to this day, I don't remember what he said, but like he spoke to the audience for maybe sixty seconds. And his energy was so magnetic. It was so in self. He was in the flow.

• 1:08:07Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 1:08:08Lewis Howes?

  He was like in his creative force. Thinking about the energy he was bringing, the connectedness he was to each person. It was like he was speaking to everyone. Look in your eyes, but to fifteen thousand people. And really landing his, his points. And I remember just thinking, I want to have that energy. You know, I want to bring that energy to life. In my sports at the time, I was a high school athlete. And I want to bring that, that level of service to people. And it's like a moment, it was like a memory is a moment that like, if that wouldn't have happened, maybe I want to be doing what I'm doing.

• 1:08:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally.

• 1:08:42Lewis Howes?

  Maybe I wanted to be creating the way I'm creating to serve and find tools and strategies to help people sell and interviewing people like yourself. And I have that with coaches that was like moments where they like stopped us in the court and like said something, but it wasn't what they said, it's how they connected with us.

• 1:09:01Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right.

• 1:09:02Lewis Howes?

  And I'm really like, wow, I really feel that presence, that trust, that respect of that individual, that they care, that they, they want us to improve, that they're trying to like be there for what they're sacrificing. Teachers like stepping up for me like after class when I'm struggling and being their presence, their energy. You know, sure, they helped me how to like read and write better, but it was like their caringness.

• 1:09:27Gabby Bernstein?

  It's so beautiful what you're, you're describing.

• 1:09:31Gabby Bernstein?

  Your experience of being in the presence of self.

• 1:09:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:34Gabby Bernstein?

  And think about, and it's not necessarily for the viewer that that everyone's going to be the next Lewis Howes or the next Tony Robbins, right? In in this instance, like the Tony's presence reflected back to you, the presence you were ready to step into.

• 1:09:49Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. Something that I wanted that I was like, wow, that's really cool.

• 1:09:52Gabby Bernstein?

  But that's everyone, that's for everyone. So so we can all access our own inner Tony Robbins self, the creativity, the courage, the compassion, the connection, that laser focus that he has is all self energy. I just saw a spark of light over you, by the way. That's when I see the angels in the room. And so the, the, the, okay, so now channeling. So that can, that connection, that that fluid connection is for every single listener, every single person watching, because it doesn't matter what you do with it, right? The most important thing you do with it is you bring it to your kids. Some, or the children in your life.

• 1:10:28Lewis Howes?

  The energy, yes.

• 1:10:29Gabby Bernstein?

  That presence, it doesn't matter if you're Tony Robbins, you're the next president of the United States, or you're a, an adult figure in a child's life is equally as important. The adult, when we access self and we can bring that self energy to the young people in our world, think about how much, how much self help work we're doing for them, right? Because if a child has presence of self energy in their life, their protectors feel safer, they become less burdened adults. That's how we change the world. That's how we change the world. The all the political issues that we have, all the wars that we have, that's just protector parts at war with each other. It's all young wounded children.

• 1:11:13Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that crazy?

• 1:11:13Gabby Bernstein?

  In power.

• 1:11:14Lewis Howes?

  I was just thinking about, yeah, and when we bring self help and start to heal the parts of ourselves, there, there's, we're not going to have that chaos in the world. If every person is doing this work and tending to the parts of us that feel traumatized or wounded, we don't need managers and firefighters to protect us.

• 1:11:31Gabby Bernstein?

  Nope.

• 1:11:32Lewis Howes?

  And we have the courage to communicate differently. We have the courage to love differently and to have compassion for someone else's point of view and say, okay, that's not what I agree with or believe with, but let's find a way where we can come together somehow. As opposed to let's fight and I'm going to win and you're going to lose on all, on all sides, right?

• 1:11:49Gabby Bernstein?

  It's what Dick Short's called self-led leadership. Okay, so, and I'm, as I access more self, I can lead my team with more self, right? So, so leaders who have that self-energy, and I can name a few. Definitely like a Michelle Obama or Barack Obama, I think. I, I don't want to be just so political, but there's Oprah's self-led leader, right?

• 1:12:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Not just even famous people, right? Like the teachers that you were talking about, or those coaches in those moments. Self-led leaders have such a profound impact. You were just describing it, right? As a kid, these coaches and teachers in these moments offered self-energy to you, impacted you tremendously, and created a pathway for you. And so-

• 1:12:32Lewis Howes?

  And imprinting you.

• 1:12:33Gabby Bernstein?

  It imprinted upon you.

• 1:12:34Lewis Howes?

  And I still remember these moments.

• 1:12:36Gabby Bernstein?

  So asking yourself, when I'm with my child or a child, am I calm, am I connected? Am I curious? Am I courageous? Am I feeling any kind of creative energy or compassion, curiosity? The curiosity is the big one with kids too.

• 1:12:50Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:12:51Gabby Bernstein?

  And, you know, I want to create, I am, this year I'm going to create something new and it's going to be called self-impact training. And it's going to teach leaders predominantly how to master this.

• 1:13:02Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:13:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Because, but not just leaders, just, just humans, right? But people that have to, that want to make an impact, not just leaders, anyone that wants to make an impact. To come through with this. We can't do the big work that we're here to do in the world if our child parts are doing it.

• 1:13:19Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm, that's true.

• 1:13:20Gabby Bernstein?

  You can't run your business like the 10-year-old self. You can't, you know, make a movement when you're constantly in your addiction, right? You can't, it doesn't work. So we have to heal ourselves.

• 1:13:31Lewis Howes?

  In the book, again, we're talking about this book here, Self Help. Make sure you guys grab a copy. In this book, you say, "Those terrifying moments in life are the catalyst for our greatest awakening and transformation. They are the moments that crack us open to the possibility of believing something new. They are the moments when we surrender enough to let self help." This self-impact training, which I don't know if you knew this, is sit.

• 1:13:58Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, cool. That's actually quite good. Sit your down.

• 1:14:01Lewis Howes?

  It's essentially, you need to like, sit down and surrender.

• 1:14:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:04Lewis Howes?

  It sounds like. Because a lot of people are in stress and chaos and they feel like they need to control and like, take action on something. But sometimes we need to stop taking action if it's a wounded action. And we start sitting, surrendering, and going through these steps in the process.

• 1:14:20Gabby Bernstein?

  Absolutely. I think that sometimes the best advice that I can give somebody is to stop. Stop doing what you're doing because you're doing it from a place that's a protector. And so it's stop and check in. Sit and check in. First step of having the choice to check in is that moment when you let that light come in, right? It's the cracking open to what's possible. It's the, I always share this Rumi quote, it's my favorite quote. I've shared it here on this podcast before. "The wound is the place where the light enters you." Those wounded parts of ourselves are our greatest opportunities for transformational

• 1:15:04Gabby Bernstein?

  growth and extreme development. And here's what I believe as a spiritual teacher. I believe that before we come into this body and this way, we sit down with our guides, our angels, and it's actually, it's always what I believe, but it was reinforced to me recently by this media. And it's like, yeah, that is exactly what happens. You sit down with your guides and your angels and you're looking at this list of life that you want to have. And you say, well, who do I want to be? What I want to go through? What are the experiences that I want to have? So that I can learn the lessons that I am here to learn, so that I can pursue whatever it is that this lifetime has meant for me. And I believe that you and I both sat there with our guides and we said, we're going to have this abuse as children and we're going to have these extreme experiences and we're going to do, do, do, do. And I'm not going to put that on you, I'll put it on myself, right?

• 1:15:49Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm going to have these experiences of, of, you know, trauma and attachment wounds and severe cocaine addiction and, you know, physical issues and, you know, remembering the trauma, all of it. Check, check, check, check, check. As a journey back to self. And I recognize that none of it is an accident. There are no bad parts of who I am, as Dick always says, no bad parts. And I chose this path so I could unlearn the wounds of the world and remember the light and the self of who I am. And no one is different. I mean, everyone, take it or leave it. They don't have to have my spiritual faith.

• 1:16:25Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 1:16:26Gabby Bernstein?

  But, but if you can start to see and witness these parts of yourself, Dick says there's no bad parts. And so as you start to witness these parts of yourself through that lens of compassion. You know, Louis, I was a fellow for a while at this recovery center near my home. And I would go in every month and each month it would be a new group of 100 people that were the new, because it was a 21 day program. So each month there was new people.

• 1:16:52Lewis Howes?

  And the addiction program, recovery program.

• 1:16:55Gabby Bernstein?

  And the majority of them had one to two days clean. Okay. Because they were new, it was like a new wave of people. And I'd come in and I would teach some of this work. And I would suggest to them that the addict was just trying to protect them.

• 1:17:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:17:13Gabby Bernstein?

  And I'd give them the, I'd offer them the opportunity to consider that, right? Because when you're deep in your addiction, you're like, no, I hate this part of myself. This part of myself is ruined by life. I'm ashamed. I'm, I'm a horrible person. I'm, I'm, I'm. And to just even slightly tease that out a little and say, well, everybody here in this room, what is your addiction protecting you from? And every single one of them would say, this trauma and that trauma and this trauma and that. There's just trauma stories flying through the room. And then we'd say, okay, well, so if you had this extreme experience that you don't know how to manage, and you've been using this thing to manage those big feelings, you see how it's been trying to protect you? And when you look at it through that lens, how do you feel? And everyone in the room would say compassion.

• 1:17:55Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, yeah.

• 1:17:57Gabby Bernstein?

  Not everyone, not everybody was ready for the compassion, but it would come through.

• 1:18:00Lewis Howes?

  When someone is going through addiction, or someone is addicted to something, you're addicted to drugs mostly, or cocaine, cocaine and alcohol? But when someone is addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, whatever it is, lying, stealing.

• 1:18:13Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, work, I also, you know, I had food, work, love, you know, I was like multifaceted.

• 1:18:18Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, people, whatever it might be. But if someone is addicted to anything, and has an extreme addiction to that thing, what is that saying about them, or the parts of them?

• 1:18:29Gabby Bernstein?

  What it's saying is they have extreme traumatized little exiles inside, and they've done everything they could to manage those feelings, and that management didn't work anymore. And the firefighter of addiction has stepped in to put out the fire.

• 1:18:41Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:18:42Gabby Bernstein?

  And they, they deserve, they deserve compassion, they deserve connection. Now,

• 1:18:49Gabby Bernstein?

  if you're someone who's in a relationship with an addict, and you've, you know, tried your best to do all the things, you know, sometimes the most kind and loving and compassionate thing to do is to cut yourself off.

• 1:19:00Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:19:01Gabby Bernstein?

  And I say that with, because it's sort of the premise of some of the 12-step work, which is, you know, some of the Al-Anon work, which is, well, let's not say Al-Anon, some of the codependency recovery work is, is really that, you know, you can't, can't, you don't enable the addict, right?

• 1:19:16Gabby Bernstein?

  But they all, but you have to trust that they have self inside.

• 1:19:18Lewis Howes?

  How hard is it to end an extreme addiction?

• 1:19:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Depends on how much you want it as a cocaine addict, right? So it also depends on the drug of choice, right? Because if you're trying to get off heroin, it's very different than getting off cocaine, right? You get off cocaine, you just feel better right away. You might detox a little bit, but ultimately, you just feel like, you're just like, whoa, I feel better today, I'm not anxious, I'm not crawling out of my skin. Whereas coming off of, you know, heroin or opioids, I mean, that's brutal. You deserve detox, you deserve support. You know, go to an ER and get the detox that you need, get whatever support that you need, because that's, that's a different journey. But. If you want it, if you want it. And that's the question is, I think all these addicts, well, of course I want it, right? But I want to be careful with what I say because everybody would want it, right?

• 1:20:06Gabby Bernstein?

  They would want it, but, but, but there might be parts of you still that want to lean at state. Hold on, right?

• 1:20:10Lewis Howes?

  Of course, because it makes you feel safer.

• 1:20:12Gabby Bernstein?

  Makes them feel safer.

• 1:20:12Lewis Howes?

  There's a relief.

• 1:20:13Gabby Bernstein?

  Or that's the way that they, you know, think that they, the only way they think they can get ahead. Or it's still fun or whatever, right? Sometimes it's so, it's, it's, it's when we hit those big bottoms that we really stay clean and get clean oftentimes. Because it's no longer fun, like it's like so destructive. We don't want it anymore. For me, that was the case, you know, I just didn't want it anymore. I struggled for a few, several months in and out of this therapy that I was doing. And like, you know, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just a cocaine addict, you know, blah, blah, blah. I just kept going back out or I'll, I'll drink, I won't do coke. And then I always ended up doing coke. And then finally I found my way into a program and, um, into a, a self-guided program. And I, um, I got myself clean and sober, you know, with, with the group.

• 1:20:56Gabby Bernstein?

  And I, um, I didn't go to, I didn't go to, um, treatment, but I, um, yeah, did get my, my program. And I, I swear it, um, worked for me. Actually, in a week, I'm celebrating 19 years. Well, actually, well, no, let's say that was in January now.

• 1:21:13Lewis Howes?

  Very, yeah.

• 1:21:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Actually, you know, a few months ago, I just celebrated 19 years of sobriety. So now I'm 19 years sober.

• 1:21:19Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing. Congrats.

• 1:21:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah, and I wanted it. But also that desire and that willingness is really the, the whole thing.

• 1:21:29Lewis Howes?

  It's almost like you have to commit your whole life to being sober, clean, like breaking the addiction. You have to almost commit, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to set myself free. And that might be painful to look at the parts of you in other ways.

• 1:21:43Gabby Bernstein?

  But it's slow, you know? They say, they say in 12 steps, like, keep it simple, stupid. And, you know, it's like slow and steady. And people always would say it to me like early in recovery, like, I wish you a slow recovery. And because. You don't want to try to be, you know, 20 years sober today. It's not going to happen. And I can look back almost two decades now and say, every part of that journey was exactly as it needed to be.

• 1:22:05Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:22:06Gabby Bernstein?

  And the thing that's nice about the willingness and the wanting is that if you do find your way to whatever kind of recovery path you find, it does feel good when you start to get a little bit of it.

• 1:22:17Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:22:17Gabby Bernstein?

  And then you want to reach for more and reach for more.

• 1:22:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, better than momentum. Speaking of the new year, we are, you know, we're in the new year. If people are watching or listening to this now, if you could give people, there's a lot of things that have happened in the last few years. A lot of chaos in the world for people. There's a lot of financial up and down, social up and down, relational up and down, health up and down, political up and down. But if someone is watching or listening right now and they're saying, I just really want to create a new baseline for myself to start manifesting in 2025 in a beautiful way, in a way that I've never done it before. And if they're watching this and they're thinking, what's the best way to manifest after all the crap that we've been through in life,

• 1:23:02Lewis Howes?

  them individually or the crap that the world has been through? What's the best way that they can start manifesting in 2025 and beyond?

• 1:23:10Gabby Bernstein?

  So there's four steps. Choose to check in with the parts of you that are burdened. Become curious about those parts and let them talk to you. Be curious, what do I need to know about these burdened beliefs that I've had over the last three years? And what I'm carrying? Check in, become curious. Extend compassion by asking, what do you need? And then let those C qualities emerge. I'm telling you, I mean, it's like from now on, for the rest of my life, people are like, well, what do I do to manifest? And I just be like, check in. Check in and check in and check in more. Four step check in, do it more and more and more. This is, this is the secret. This is the key to manifesting. We manifest what we believe. And that was some of the first words out of my mouth here today.

• 1:23:52Gabby Bernstein?

  And so how do you want to change the patterns and burdens? And how do you want to attract more of what you want into your life? You tend to the belief systems that are holding you back with this four step check in process.

• 1:24:08Lewis Howes?

  That's it. That's the process. Yeah. The book is Self Help. This is Your Chance to Change Your Life by Gabby Bernstein. Make sure you guys pick up a few copies. I love this because it's simple. It is short. So for me, it feels very manageable when I'm reading it. It's like, it's, it's easy to read. So make sure you guys check this out. The four step check in process to transform the patterns that have held you back. And you mentioned this before, that we always hear about these limiting beliefs that are blocking us, that are holding us back. But a lot of times, people don't talk about these steps on how to break through those limiting beliefs. And I really love the approach to the, the I F S.

• 1:24:44Lewis Howes?

  Approach because it's looking within at the parts of us that are holding us back. And these parts of us are, are blocking us and limiting us to break free in what we want, whether it's creating a better relationship or manifesting something in our career or business, whatever it might be. And so those are the things that are limiting us. The things that have been trying to protect us for so long are actually helpful in certain ways, but not every way. So we need to have a new relationship from a place of capital self, higher self within us, and start tending to those parts of us that have been holding us back, that have been limiting us. And incorporating a new, healthy, whole relationship with them so that they can support and elevate all of you.

• 1:25:28Lewis Howes?

  And I think when you can follow Gabby's process, it is going to make it seem more relatable. It's going to make it feel more simplified and less confusing and daunting. Because some of these things in therapy can extreme, can be extremely daunting to like, just even sitting down with someone for an hour and hearing some terminology is like, I'm exhausted already. Let me just get back to my life and being addicted because that's what I know. Yeah. And so allow yourself to start sitting, start checking in with yourself, start reflecting and following these four steps in this book. It'll really help you transform your life. So Gabby. Thank you so much for doing this. This is amazing. I'm excited for everyone to get this. And again, make sure you guys get a few copies. Give it to friends. It's great to start off the

• 1:26:11Lewis Howes?

  year 2025. If you have anyone in your life who's maybe feels blocked in any way, give them a copy of the book so that they can be supportive as well. Any final thoughts for you guys?

• 1:26:21Gabby Bernstein?

  I just want to say something to you. On behalf of all your listeners and viewers, because I meet people all the time that flip out when they find out I'm friends with you, because you've really helped heal them and helped them, given them the resources to heal. And with your wisdom and with your interviews, but most importantly, with your self-energy. And as a friend of yours and someone who feels so seen and safe and connected and supported, right here, right now, and I mean this with the bottom of my heart, I want you to feel how grateful I am to have a presence of self like you in my life.

• 1:27:00Gabby Bernstein?

  And on behalf of all of your beautiful community out there, because I think they're all going to say this in the comments, everyone, tell Lewis how much you love him.

• 1:27:09Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it. Thanks, Gabby. Appreciate it.

• 1:27:11Gabby Bernstein?

  I love you.

• 1:27:11Lewis Howes?

  Love you too. I appreciate it. Get the book. Follow Gabby everywhere online. You've got an amazing podcast as well. What else can we do to support you? How can we support you?

• 1:27:21Gabby Bernstein?

  And you know, people like this work, they want more support with it. Go to deargabby.com/app because there's my Dear Gabby Coaching Membership and inside it is a lot more self-help guidance, just extra processes here, but affirmations you can pull, two-minute exercises, long deep dive coaching. It's your coach in your pocket, pretty much. So if you're like, I like the way, what she's saying, and I want more of her, that's the place to go.

• 1:27:50Lewis Howes?

  Gabby, love you. Thanks for being here. Appreciate it.

• 1:27:52Gabby Bernstein?

  I love you. Thank you.

• 1:27:54Lewis Howes?

  I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneymeasibook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment, moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to the next episode on the School of Greatness. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

• 1:28:39Lewis Howes?

  Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.