10 TOOLS to Reclaim Your Life: Live in PEACE & ABUNDANCE

Have you bought your tickets to Summit of Greatness 2024 yet? What’s holding you back?! lewishowes.com/ticketsIn this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes hosts an inspiring discussion with Muniba Mazari, Jay Shetty, and Gabby Bernstein, focusing on mental strength, self-love, and overcoming trauma. Muniba Mazari shares her journey of finding gratitude and self-acceptance despite her physical challenges, emphasizing the importance of not comparing oneself to others on social media. Jay Shetty discusses mindfulness and the intentional design of life, stressing how sights, sounds, and scents can positively influence our daily experiences. Gabby Bernstein delves into coping mechanisms and the internal family systems therapy, explaining how we can heal from past traumas by acknowledging and understanding our protective behaviors. Together, they offer powerful practices to help listeners achieve mental peace and strength. In this episode you will learnThe impact of social media on self-esteem and how to navigate it mindfully. Practical ways to incorporate mindfulness into daily life through intentional exposure to sights, sounds, and scents. The significance of self-acceptance and self-love in personal growth. How to identify and overcome coping mechanisms that mask deeper emotional wounds. Techniques to connect with your inner self and create a balanced, fulfilling life. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1637For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960Full episodes featured today:Muniba Mazari – https://link.chtbl.com/1282-podGabby Bernstein – https://link.chtbl.com/1407-podJay Shetty – https://link.chtbl.com/1571-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hey everyone, this is Lewis Howes and I am so excited to invite you to the Summit of Greatness 2024, happening at the iconic Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California. This is more than just an event, it's a powerful experience designed to ignite your passion, boost your growth, and connect you with a community of other inspiring achievers. Join us Friday, September 13th and Saturday, September 14th, for two days packed with inspiration and transformation from some of the most incredible speakers on the planet. Don't miss out on this chance to elevate your life, unlock your potential, and be part of something truly special. Make sure to get your tickets right now and step into greatness with us at the Summit of Greatness 2024. Head over to lewishouse.com/tickets and get your tickets today and I will see you there.

• 0:46Lewis Howes?

  For people who might feel stuck in their life, might feel some type of brokenness, whether it be emotionally or physically, and they say, "I don't know how to go after my dreams," what advice would you give to people who are struggling to figure out what their dreams are and also how to go after them?

• 1:06Muniba Mazari?

  First and foremost, we have this constant pressure of overachievement, thanks to social media. Why? Because everybody's posting about something great. You know, "I achieved this, I achieved that, oh my god, hashtag global trotter." Wait, I cannot afford to buy a ticket, I cannot go anywhere, what am I supposed to do, right? When you see people posting, rather bragging about what they have done in their lives every day, projects after projects, you question yourself. Am I doing enough? Am I good enough? Is my life meaningful enough, right? But let me tell you something, social media is

• 1:48Muniba Mazari?

  all about the good stuff. Nobody is going to post about their daily struggles. When I try to sit every day in the morning, because my back muscles don't work, I fall back. Then I try to get up, I fall back. And it happens, it continues. So basically, I start my day as a failure, because I just cannot sit on my own without the help of my mother. But my social media doesn't show that. It's all about inspirational things, right? So please, you don't have to be an overachiever every day.

• 2:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 2:24Muniba Mazari?

  Sometimes just waking up in the morning and not giving up on yourself is a huge achievement.

• 2:29Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 2:30Muniba Mazari?

  You know, and I do it every day. You do it every day. We all do that. So appreciate it and be kind to yourself.

• 2:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 2:37Muniba Mazari?

  And you were talking about people dreaming. I always say one thing that dreams don't work unless you do.

• 2:44Muniba Mazari?

  You know, there is no such thing as overnight achievement. No, if it comes easy, it goes easy. I can sit in the corner of the room and daydream all day long, but nobody's going to come and serve success on plate.

• 2:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 2:57Muniba Mazari?

  Right? So I have to be optimistic, but I have to be realistic too. I need to work to get my dreams. And that's it. And what I've learned so far, Louis, is the attitude of gratitude works wonders. Just be grateful because you are way, way better than many. You know, it is so powerful that gratitude has the power to turn what you have into enough. You know, gratitude will never let, it will never turn your pain into suffering. It will never.

• 3:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:30Muniba Mazari?

  You know, and so be grateful for all the things that you have, for the things that you don't have or you have lost. Just be grateful.

• 3:40Lewis Howes?

  There's a, for many years of my life, I would get frustrated when things would happen, right? I, I remember having a dream of being a professional football player and I got injured. I broke my wrist and had a surgery and had to recover for about a year and a half, which kept me from playing and living my dream and playing sports anymore. And then I went through multiple breakups. So I had to learn the lesson the hard way many times in relationships. You know, just lots of things happened where I was like, why is this happening? Why? Why is this breakdown happening? Why am I in pain? Why did this happen when I was a child? All these different things. And then I finally learned a strategy where people always say, you know, when you look back, you can connect the dots.

• 4:24Lewis Howes?

  Hindsight is 2020, they say, right? You can look back and you can see why that needed to happen. Then when bad, bad things started to happen, I said, you know what? I'm gonna look forward. I'm gonna have future hindsight. I'm gonna say, you know what? This needed to happen because it's helping me become a new person. It's helping me let go of toxic relationships. It's helping me get on a different path that will serve more people in my life and bring me more joy. When you had this accident, did you think about yourself in the future? Or when did you realize, I should say, when did you start to realize that? Oh, this is happening for me because it's gonna benefit more people. It's gonna bring me closer to my mission or it's gonna help me bring myself more joy. When did that happen for you?

• 5:09Muniba Mazari?

  It's rightly said, nothing is happening to us. It's happening for us. It's all about perception, right? It's all about your perspective. You know, I cannot relate to that 21 year old who used to walk around. I don't even remember, Luis, how it feels, you know, to stand on your legs.

• 5:29Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 5:31Muniba Mazari?

  I just don't feel it. And if you can feel it, you're very lucky. You know, health is such a big blessing. And when I say that health is a blessing, does not make me unlucky because I'm not healthy that way. But all I know is that when I say rebirth, it was a completely new me. It was a totally different person. And yes, there are lessons, there are mistakes. And I always say that even wrong people in your life, they become lessons. Bad times become lessons. Your mistakes become great lessons and you learn, you grow, you improve. And that's what life journey is all about.

• 6:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'm curious. What is the difference between self-acceptance and accepting where you're at, but saying, but I wanna improve and get better? Not just saying, I accept myself and I'm going to not do anything about how to improve. Is there a difference there? And what is that?

• 6:27Muniba Mazari?

  I think self-acceptance is the first step. Then comes self-love and loving yourself. You know, I have always said this, that love yourself, but don't fall in love with yourself. And there is a huge difference between the two.

• 6:43Lewis Howes?

  What is that?

• 6:45Muniba Mazari?

  Okay. When you fall in love with yourself, you are unable to see the flaws, the problems, the toxicity. Because you're so deeply, madly, blindly in love that you just cannot see the problems. Right? But when you love yourself, you want to improve, you want to become a better person every day. Right? You don't love yourself blindly. You will question your problems. You will try to improve. So love yourself, but don't fall in love with yourself. And that starts the minute you accept yourself the way you are. Then you become to become better. Then you try to become better.

• 7:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, love this. Why do you think people struggle so much with loving themselves? And with self-love?

• 7:35Muniba Mazari?

  A lot has to do with social media.

• 7:38Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 7:38Muniba Mazari?

  Especially in today's time and age.

• 7:39Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 7:40Muniba Mazari?

  You know, we are a generation obsessed with perfection. We want everything perfect. And everything has to be Instagram perfect. Hashtag couple goals. Hashtag beautiful.

• 7:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:57Muniba Mazari?

  You know? Let's redefine the word beauty.

• 8:00Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 8:01Muniba Mazari?

  Let's redefine the word perfection. I've always said this, and I'll say it again, that I'm perfectly imperfect. And that's perfectly all right. I have accepted myself with all the imperfections. Things that I cannot change. The deformity that I have in my body, I cannot fix that. The scars that I have on my body, even though I'm healed, wounds and scars are still there. I'm not, I'm not ready to change that. I'm okay with that. I've accepted. But what really makes me perfect is how I communicate with people. Am I kind enough? Am I compassionate enough? Am I considerate enough? That makes me perfect. That makes you perfect. And that's what it is.

• 8:46Lewis Howes?

  What would you say is the biggest challenge you face today? The biggest struggle that you're trying to overcome? Maybe it's something internally or externally? Is there anything that you're facing with now?

• 8:57Muniba Mazari?

  Right now, um, not really. I think, but when this happened 14 years back, you know, a wheelchair is always, I don't know why, but it's always been a symbol of, of pain and suffering and weakness. And oh my God, poor girl. I've heard this so many times, that she's too pretty to be in the wheelchair. Like, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to praise me or trying to make me feel bad? Then, you know, and in the worst case scenario, I've, I've heard people saying that she must have done something wrong. That's why God punished her.

• 9:31Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 9:32Muniba Mazari?

  But wait, I was just 21. What did I do wrong to deserve this? You know, so it took me a while to let the world know that, you know, this wheelchair is not adversity. This wheelchair is not weakness. This wheelchair is not suffering. It's the part of my body now. This wheelchair is not an accessory anymore. It's, it's me. Wheelchair alone is nothing. But when I sit in the wheelchair, that's the package. Talk to that package now. Talk to that human being now. Yes, I have problems. Yes, I cannot walk. I know that. But then there is so much more that I can do and I'm doing in my life.

• 10:16Muniba Mazari?

  You know, so the biggest challenge was to change the mindset, which I think has changed with time because it's been 14 years now.

• 10:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What was the biggest thing within your mindset that shifted?

• 10:30Muniba Mazari?

  In my mindset? You know what? I have made peace with the fact that no matter how amazing you are, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how cool you are, there will always be haters, there will be naysayers, there will be disbelievers, because you cannot be liked and loved by everyone. Some people will hate you for some reason, some will hate you for no reason. Appreciate it and acknowledge, just the way appreciate all the love. Let's acknowledge all the disliking too.

• 11:04Lewis Howes?

  How do you manage that when people discount you or maybe talk negative about you online or wherever? How do you personally deal with it?

• 11:15Muniba Mazari?

  You know, I've always prayed for those who see their failure in my success.

• 11:20Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 11:21Muniba Mazari?

  Those who hate you today, they were once dreamers who gave up on their dreams.

• 11:27Lewis Howes?

  Oh, wow.

• 11:29Muniba Mazari?

  Right? Haters were once dreamers. They just gave up. So when they see a woman in a wheelchair doing something, they have to hate me. Because, you know, a lot of people said that, oh, just because she's in the wheelchair, she got the chance to do all this. Dude, you're walking around.

• 11:48Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 11:49Muniba Mazari?

  Right? You had the chance to, but you were too busy hating on people.

• 11:54Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 11:54Muniba Mazari?

  You missed the chance. So I, I understand. I'm an empath. I understand, you know, why is that hatred coming? You know, and again, pray for those who see their failure in your success. Hating is not easy.

• 12:13Lewis Howes?

  It's exhausting. Yeah.

• 12:15Muniba Mazari?

  It's exhausting. I mean, like, imagine every day. I mean, I will be posting all the good stuff on my social media. You will be posting all the amazing stuff you're doing on social media, and they're just sitting in the room doing nothing and just hating.

• 12:28Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 12:28Muniba Mazari?

  Who is the sufferer? We are not suffering. They are. So they need empathy and kindness.

• 12:35Lewis Howes?

  Did you always have this belief for the last fourteen years? Or when you started to put your message out there and, and share your, your story, was it painful and hurtful for you at one point? Or you always have this perspective?

• 12:48Muniba Mazari?

  Um, I think perspectives change. I was always a very grateful person, you know, not before the accident. You know, I used to crib a lot because I was too young and I was too naive. But you know, with time, yes, with time I realized that, you know, everyone is fighting an unseen battle, Louis. Everyone. And we are so good at the art of concealing the pain that we are in, all of us. You know, the methodology changes. You know, there are certain ways that we conceal pain. Sometimes we share, sometimes we don't. But we all are going through something in life every day, you know? And I realized that if I think that I'm the one who's the most broken one, no.

• 13:32Muniba Mazari?

  I have traveled around the world, I have met so many people. And they had shared their very personal stories of how broken they are. And let me tell you, none of them were in the wheelchair.

• 13:46Muniba Mazari?

  So there are so many people who are walking around, who are perfectly fine, they are running their businesses. They are so broken from within. All they want is to be understood. They want someone who can understand their pain. You know, and I feel so blessed that when people look at me, when they see me in the wheelchair, maybe, you know, they just think that because she is in pain, we can talk to her because she can understand what we are going through.

• 14:14Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think so many people are broken in the world? Um, who maybe

• 14:22Lewis Howes?

  aren't in a wheelchair, who have able-bodied, let's say, don't have a disformed body or something, but they're broken. Where do you think that brokenness is coming from for so many people?

• 14:35Muniba Mazari?

  Too many expectations from people. Too many expectations. You know, we want to get into a relationship because we want happiness. We want to feel complete, right? Soulmates. No, you are your own soulmate, period. You know, if you are not in a good relationship with yourself, you will be miserable, even if you are in a relationship with someone. That's why people are broken. My happiness cannot be taken by someone because my happiness does not come from someone. Nobody is giving me my joy. I am the reason of my own joy. If we manage to understand this tiny little truth about life,

• 15:20Muniba Mazari?

  we will heal. And time doesn't heal you, you heal you. You need to sit down with yourself and think, do you love yourself enough? You know, and if you love yourself enough and you believe in self-love, no external force will ever be able to break you.

• 15:41Lewis Howes?

  How do we learn to love ourselves if we have been telling ourselves for so long, "I'm not lovable," or "I had this accident," or, you know, "I went through a breakup in a relationship and they left me," or "they abandoned me," or whatever it might be? How do we not let outside factors dictate our feelings about ourself? And not let the fear of abandonment of people or people's love hold us back from loving ourselves?

• 16:15Muniba Mazari?

  Yes, the fear of abandonment, we all have that. And we need to overcome this fear. You know, I always say, "When wrong people leave, right things start to happen." And we all are living a life story. You have your own story, I have my story. My brothers have their story, my mother has her own story. And when you find yourself in the wrong story, just leave. If someone is not adding value to your life story, or if you are not adding value to someone's life story, leave. Sometimes it takes letting go to realize you're holding on to nothing. We are too busy clinging on to those relationships,

• 16:58Muniba Mazari?

  which are not meant to be in our journey, you know? And that's why I say that these people are so toxic. With time, they become so toxic for you that, you know what? Your presence in their life is their only definition. And they will never want you to leave because they're so weak, they want to stay in your shadow. So you need to pick and choose. This person is toxic, leave. Liberate yourself by setting all these extra people free who do not belong to your journey. You know, and these people will always weigh you down. And if there's something is weighing you down, how will you fly high?

• 17:40Muniba Mazari?

  You know, and fear of abandonment, if you can manage to overcome this fear again, when you are on your own completely, that is where you will understand that solitude is very powerful.

• 17:55Lewis Howes?

  So powerful.

• 17:56Muniba Mazari?

  It's very powerful.

• 17:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 17:58Muniba Mazari?

  You know, because even in that silence, you're having a conversation. I mean, there is no energy vampire around me. I'm on my own and I'm manifesting the best things for myself. I would never trade my solitude to anything because when I am alone, on my own, I am the best version of myself.

• 18:21Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 18:21Muniba Mazari?

  Because I'm kind to myself. Yes.

• 18:24Lewis Howes?

  You're kind to yourself?

• 18:25Muniba Mazari?

  Yes.

• 18:28Lewis Howes?

  How much time did you spend alone after the accident?

• 18:35Muniba Mazari?

  Uh, so I have this, this really cool um habit. I switch off. So even when I'm, you know, surrounded by a lot of people, I'm actually not there most of the times.

• 18:46Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 18:47Muniba Mazari?

  Yes, I'm just thinking, you know what, recently I was thinking about something that when I was talking about that how, you know, this beautiful balance of strength and vulnerability makes us who we are. I was thinking about it the other day, that I've experienced this balance on daily basis. You know, when I see my social media, you know, when I read emails and people sending beautiful messages that you know, how your words have empowered us and you know, because if you, we're not never going to give up. It gives me so much strength, you know, and I say to myself, oh my God, I'm so strong. And then at the nighttime, when I'm thirsty, I'm unable to get up and get a glass of water for myself.

• 19:30Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 19:31Muniba Mazari?

  Right? That's my reality. And how vulnerable I am at that moment. So this strength and this vulnerability makes us who we are. So I need to have my own moment with myself where I am willing to understand myself better. That if I am vulnerable, that's okay. I'm strong too. And the perfect balance of these two things make me who I am.

• 19:57Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 20:00Lewis Howes?

  I'm so fascinated by your story and every time I see your content, it makes me smile. Every time I see you post a video or a photo, I'm always just rooting for you. I'm so excited for you and your life and the impact you make. And you are so much more talented than just an artist. At first, you wanted to be an artist and then you thought you couldn't be. You were like, these don't look good. But now you're, you know, selling your art, your arts in galleries. It's really inspiring, but you're also a massive activist. You're, you know, a TV anchor, model, you did modeling, you sing and you're a speaker and you motivate millions of people around the world. You could have not done any of it.

• 20:44Lewis Howes?

  You could have said, I just want to be an artist and just go after that one thing. But you decided to go for more. What, what, when and why did you say, I want to start sharing this story and start putting this message out there in a bigger way and revealing these things about yourself that maybe you were scared to do?

• 21:04Muniba Mazari?

  You know, I remember when I gave my very first talk, that was TEDx. And it actually happened when I decided and I manifested that I'm going to overcome the fear of facing people. That's so ironic that a public speaker was once scared of facing people.

• 21:18Lewis Howes?

  I was for sure, yeah.

• 21:20Muniba Mazari?

  I know. So what happened was, I gave my very first TED Talk and after my TED Talk, a girl from the audience, she came to me and she was crying and she said, can I give you a hug? And I said, sure. So she gave me a hug and she said, your 10-minute TED Talk has solved 10 problems of my life. And she said, today you made me realize that those 10 problems never existed. They were just in my head and I was overthinking. And because of you, I'm never going to give up. You know, in that moment, in the flashback, I could hear my mother saying, one day, God will show you, how did he choose you out of so many for this test? And that was the moment of realization that, you know what?

• 22:04Muniba Mazari?

  If my words can change someone's perspective, maybe this is my true calling in life. You know, and as they say that in the end, what matters is how many lives you have touched. So art is my comfort zone, Lewis. You know, I can sit in the corner of my room in a cozy environment, have a cup of coffee and paint and sell the work, make both ends meet, pay the bills, raise my son and live. But, I mean, is that enough? It's not enough. Because comfort zone is a good place to be, but nothing ever grows there.

• 22:38Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm.

• 22:39Muniba Mazari?

  So if you really want to grow as a person, if you really want to learn and unlearn, we need to tap on all the abilities that we have. We are so blessed with immense potential, which remains untapped, because we are too busy doing nine to five. We are too busy paying bills. And we live the same routine for so many years and then we end up calling it life. It's not life. It's not.

• 23:05Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm.

• 23:06Muniba Mazari?

  You know, I realized later that, you know, I was labeled as the first wheelchair-bound model, the first wheelchair-bound singer, the first wheelchair-bound anchor, first wheelchair-bound, you know, and it was so much rubbed in my face that I said, you know what? I might be the first one to do all this, but I wouldn't be the last.

• 23:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Hmm.

• 23:26Muniba Mazari?

  I had to pave path for so many people who are supremely talented, who are differently able, who are supremely talented, but maybe, maybe they were just a bit scared to take the first step. I took the first step. I broke those barriers. At least I tried, you know, and, and now I see a lot of young boys and girls doing amazing work. Why? Because now it's normal. It's normal for a wheelchair user to smile. It's normal for a wheelchair user, may it be a boy or a girl, to look good, to wear lipstick, to look nice, you know, to face the world. It's normal now. And even right now, when being an anchor person, you know,

• 24:08Muniba Mazari?

  I'm working for the national TV of Pakistan, and when I'm doing my show. I'm always thinking about that little boy or girl, you know, sitting in a far-flung village, watching my show. And I think about them that, you know, they might be thinking that if a girl or a woman in a wheelchair can do this, we can do that too.

• 24:27Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 24:28Muniba Mazari?

  You know, and that's what it is.

• 24:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 24:30Muniba Mazari?

  So one day, I feel, who is that? The day I will leave the world, you know, a lot of people will see my reflection in these young boys and girls, who are unique, who are different, who were scared once, but now they're not anymore.

• 24:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Speaking of young boys and girls, um, you know, in your videos online, you talked about how after the accident, the doctor said that you want to be able to have kids. Isn't that right?

• 25:00Muniba Mazari?

  Yes.

• 25:01Lewis Howes?

  Was that a, was that really like a shock and very devastating for you? And if so, why was that so devastating? And what did you do about it to change that narrative?

• 25:12Muniba Mazari?

  It was devastating, yes, definitely it was. Uh, you know, we live in a society where if women, you know, it's a bit of truth, a lot of people will hate me to say that, but I have to say it because I've experienced that.

• 25:26Muniba Mazari?

  If a woman is unable to reproduce, if a woman is unable to be a mother, she's labeled as a useless woman.

• 25:35Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 25:36Muniba Mazari?

  Oh, she cannot give birth to a child, she's incomplete. Right? And this is not changing. I hope one day things will change, but it's not changing for, for women. And, you know, the first thing that came to my mind was that, oh my God, I loved kids. I will never be able to have a child, but people are not going to accept me. Because at that point I was married and I cannot have kids. Disaster. You know? How will I tell the world that even if I cannot give birth to a child, I can still love a child unconditionally? You don't have to give birth to a child to be a mother.

• 26:18Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 26:19Muniba Mazari?

  You know, and so what happened was, again, that was my biggest fear, that I wanted to have children. I wanted to have at least one child. So what I did was, I adopted a child. And that baby was, my son's name is Nile, he was a few days old. When I held him for the first time in my arms. And now he is eleven years old.

• 26:40Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 26:41Muniba Mazari?

  I mean, oh, he is so amazing, he's such a bundle of joy. And, you know, when I held him for the first time, it actually made me feel that, you know, he was the fruit of all the pain that I've been through.

• 26:53Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 26:53Muniba Mazari?

  So, yes.

• 26:55Lewis Howes?

  What's been the biggest lessons he has taught you and motherhood has taught you?

• 27:01Muniba Mazari?

  Oh, motherhood is all about unconditional love. It's all about that. You know, a woman in a wheelchair can be a mother. A woman who cannot see her child can be a mother. You know, so you cannot define motherhood in words. It is just all about being unconditionally in love with a child. Whether you have given birth to that child or not. I mean, probably my eyes, my eye color does not match my son's eyes, but I see my reflection in his eyes every day.

• 27:30Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 27:31Muniba Mazari?

  And this little boy, who is now eleven, he is such an inspiration. I have learned so much from him, you know, so much from him. Um, you know, one thing I've learned from Nile is that

• 27:44Muniba Mazari?

  kids don't judge. They don't. You know, and I've shared this many times, I've shared this with your audience also, that he was about four years old, um, you know, he had, he's obsessed with soccer, he loves football. So we got him his fir- first football. And he was so excited, you know, so much so that he actually forgot that I'm in the wheelchair. So he said, Mom, I got my football, let's play football. And I said, yes, let's do it. So he kept the football in my feet and he said, Mom, kick the ball. And I looked at him and I said, Nile, my legs don't work.

• 28:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 28:20Muniba Mazari?

  You know, and I, you know, I just started crying a little bit and I was acting all cool, but he could sense that, you know what, my mind is hurting. And he looked at me and he said, it's okay, your legs don't work, your hands are working. Let's play catch the ball, you know, and in that moment, he made me realize that when we are busy thinking about the glass is half empty, he made me realize that, no, think positive, because your glasses are full. And so that's how we play, instead of playing football, we were playing catch the ball.

• 28:52Lewis Howes?

  I love this, I love this story. Um, can you, can you, can you wheel the wheelchair and kick it with the wheelchair? Can you kind of turn it and hit it a little bit?

• 29:02Muniba Mazari?

  No, no, I'm too scared. Honestly, you know, sometimes it tips over and it just scares me so much. So yes, no adventures on the wheelchair for me.

• 29:11Lewis Howes?

  Oh man, it, it falls over sometimes.

• 29:13Muniba Mazari?

  It does.

• 29:14Lewis Howes?

  Really? Is that how, what is that, what is that like when, when it falls over?

• 29:21Muniba Mazari?

  You have to be in the wheelchair to understand how it feels.

• 29:25Lewis Howes?

  That's scary, ah, man. One, one of the, one of the things we talked about before we started this was, um, the power of identifying your fears, creating a list of your fears. You talk about this in one of your videos where there was a point of your life where you were just afraid of everything, you know, lots of different things you're afraid of. Can you talk about the importance and what you did to just overcome fear after fear? And what that did for you, that exercise of overcoming them?

• 29:58Muniba Mazari?

  So I'll tell you something, I'm talking about self-acceptance, you know, accept yourself the way you are, it's never easy. I think the biggest obstacle, um, is a long list of fears, all sorts of fears, known, unknown. My biggest fears were three, they were my major fears. So I, I wrote them down and I said, you know what, I'm going to overcome these fears one at a time. My biggest fear was facing people, you know? And when I used to, now when I say this to the world that, you know, I was scared of facing people, people think I'm being funny, but no. And it's not the fact that I did not want to see people or I just hated people, that's why I didn't want to see them. You know, I was tired of, you know, those remarks like, oh, poor girl, you know?

• 30:41Muniba Mazari?

  I was tired of being treated as a patient. Oh, how do you feel? I feel the same. Ask me more about what I'm doing in life right now, you know? And this, this mercy in their eyes, that, oh, poor girl, that, that really, you know, that was killing me from within. And I said, you know what? I'm going to overcome this fear of facing people and, you know, maybe one day they will understand that I'm okay. I'm okay the way I am now. I've accepted myself, so please, you need to accept me too, you know? And as they say that when you think about doing something, the universe conspires. While I was thinking constantly about how can I overcome this fear of facing people? How can I do this?

• 31:24Muniba Mazari?

  I was going to the malls, I was doing groceries, but that wasn't enough. Out of the blue, I got a call from TEDx. And, you know, so the guy said that, you know, we really want you to come and share your story. And without missing a second, I said, I'm doing it. So that's how I gave my very first TED Talk. And in fact, while I was giving the talk, you know, I was sharing my life story with the world. You know, there I was, sitting in front of so many people and sharing my story, thinking, what am I doing? You know, I'm literally becoming an open book and everybody can come and say things to me because, you know, here I am.

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  They can judge you, they, yeah, they can do whatever, yeah.

• 32:12Muniba Mazari?

  Of course, right? But then I realized that maybe, you know, someone somewhere in the audience needs my words. So I'll do it for that one person. And then later that girl came from the audience. And in that moment, I realized that, you know, probably being speaker is my true calling in life, maybe. You know, then the other biggest fear was the fear of not becoming a mother. And I was constantly thinking about it, that, you know, how, how can I work? And then I sat down with my mother one day and I said, Mama, I want to adopt a child. And, you know, but I was scared, you know, being a wheelchair user, I said, you know, Maybe, you know, it will be hard. And my mother said, I'm with you.

• 32:54Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 32:55Muniba Mazari?

  We'll raise him together.

• 32:56Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 32:56Muniba Mazari?

  You know, and so I said, can we do this? She said, yes, let's do it. And that's how. So I applied for adoption. I waited for two years, you know. And then, one fine day out of nowhere, I got a call. The lady said, there is a baby boy. And would you like to adopt? I said, is that even a question? Of course, yes. So that's how Niall came in my life. And then the other biggest fear was abandonment, as we were talking earlier. What happens when people leave? Trust me, nothing happens.

• 33:29Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 33:30Muniba Mazari?

  We are so scared of abandonment that, again, when you let go of all the extra people, you realize that you never, you never needed them. You just never needed them, you know. So have a good relationship with yourself. And you will never be scared of abandonment. So when I overcame this fear of facing people, I became a speaker or whatever things I'm doing. And I overcame the fear of motherhood, became a mother, you know. So that's what it is.

• 34:00Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think so many people are afraid to be alone? This is kind of like this fear, I don't want to die alone. I can't, you know, go day by day without having friends around me all the time. I can't be alone. I can't go to dinner by myself. I can't go to the movie by myself. I can't walk down the street alone. Why is there this insecurity or fear that so many people have?

• 34:22Muniba Mazari?

  Because we forget that we came in the world with nothing and we leave with nothing. We came alone, crying.

• 34:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:30Muniba Mazari?

  And when we were born, we were in pain, right? And we were crying. That was the sign of life. Oh, the baby is alive because the baby is crying and the baby is in pain. And when we leave, we are alone. So many people have left. Life does not stop. Right, we are designed because we are social animals, right? We, human beings, are social animals. We need to socialize.

• 34:54Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 34:55Muniba Mazari?

  The problem comes, problem is not with the relationship. The problem is the expectations that we have with our partners. That my spouse has to make me feel good.

• 35:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:08Muniba Mazari?

  It doesn't work that way.

• 35:10Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't.

• 35:11Muniba Mazari?

  Your spouse is a human being too, fighting battles you are doing too. Again, if you two are not complementing each other, your life will become miserable.

• 35:21Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 35:22Muniba Mazari?

  And also, there's one thing that I've noticed. People are competing. I mean, two people in a relationship are not complementing each other. They're competing with one another. This is so silly.

• 35:34Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 35:35Muniba Mazari?

  I mean, you are supposed to complement each other, you know, but you guys are competing with each other. And no wonder why so many people are so broken, so broken. Either they switch to the new relationships like that because, oh my god, what will happen if we are all by ourselves? Trust me, nothing happens. You know, this, this global pandemic has taught us a lesson. You know, and that is by the end of the day, we are all on our own.

• 36:09Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 36:10Muniba Mazari?

  So if you want to heal from COVID, you have to live with yourself. And you know why people were so scared of being on their own?

• 36:20Muniba Mazari?

  Because they have never spent time with themselves.

• 36:23Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 36:23Muniba Mazari?

  For so long, right? And they were just so scared. But let me tell you something. Being a wheelchair user, I have spent so much time on my own.

• 36:34Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 36:35Muniba Mazari?

  And it did not kill me.

• 36:38Muniba Mazari?

  So when you sit with yourself, you realize, oh, I'm actually a good company for myself.

• 36:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:45Muniba Mazari?

  And that's it. So you go, you meet people, you socialize because it's fun, but not because you need to do it, but because you want to do it.

• 36:54Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 36:56Muniba Mazari?

  That's what it is.

• 36:57Lewis Howes?

  And I think there's this, um.

• 37:02Lewis Howes?

  You know, it's this thing where we shouldn't be abandoning ourselves. We don't need to be at an event or be in relationships with people if they are constantly toxic, like you said, or if they're making us wrong or bad, if they're not accepting us. That's really a form of self-hatred if we keep putting ourselves in those situations and we abandon the love for ourselves, the boundaries we need to create to have the environment of peace and love and joy. So I think it's important for us to remember that, like, we don't have to keep showing up in situations where people are trying to hurt us. We can protect ourselves and not abandon ourselves.

• 37:39Muniba Mazari?

  Yes, like Maya Angelou says, "When people show you their true colors, believe them."

• 37:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 37:45Muniba Mazari?

  Do not justify their toxicity. "Oh, you know, my spouse is being overprotective. You know what? Because she's so much in love." No, that's toxic. That's bad. And it's only going to get worse, you know? So be aware. When people show you their true colors, believe them.

• 38:04Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 38:10Gabby Bernstein?

  We run from these impermissible feelings from our past. These are emotional disturbances from our childhood, traumatic events, trauma with a big T, trauma with a small t. A big T trauma is being sexually abused as a child, having some kind of violence, living through a catastrophic event, growing up in an alcoholic home. A small t trauma is being bullied.

• 38:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:37Gabby Bernstein?

  A small t trauma is being told you're stupid by a teacher. But the traumatic events from our past are the ones that are so impermissible because inside those experiences, particularly childhood developmental experiences, is the shame, the...

• 38:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Impermissible rage, the feelings of inadequacy and feelings of being unlovable. And so we build up all these different protection mechanisms around us to avoid ever having to face those impermissible wounds. And those protections could be achievement. They could be, they could look good on the outside. That's the scary thing, right? So workaholism can be really praised at times. Those, it can look like alcoholism. It can look like drug addiction. And we just create all these forms of protection around ourselves to never have to go there. But what's happened recently is when we've been struck with feelings of not being safe,

• 39:36Gabby Bernstein?

  feelings of being out of control, a lot of our typical coping mechanisms won't work anymore.

• 39:42Lewis Howes?

  What are typical coping mechanisms for most people?

• 39:45Gabby Bernstein?

  Typical coping mechanisms, heading to the fridge, overeating, overworking, not working, like numbing out, vegging out, the sofa. A coping mechanism, and I refer to coping mechanisms as protector parts. I am now trained in internal family systems therapy. And so in IFS, we talk about these protectors. And what are they protecting us from? Those exiled child parts, those impermissible parts that we don't want to ever touch, don't want to go into.

• 40:15Lewis Howes?

  Protectors are the coping mechanisms. The addictive or non-healthy coping mechanisms, let me hear you say.

• 40:21Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 40:21Lewis Howes?

  Those are called protectors.

• 40:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally, exactly.

• 40:24Lewis Howes?

  The things that we don't want to go and face, the pain, the shame.

• 40:27Gabby Bernstein?

  And sometimes we don't even know that they're a problem. Like, like a workaholic may not, may not yet know that that's a problem for them. Or codependency, so they're constantly protecting themselves by finding relationship. Or there's, for me, there was the controller. You, you were, you were in studio with the controller many times. And, and you also even went as far as like almost pick up on that at, at early in our relationship. Where you were like, you know, it could be a little easier. You would, you noticed it for me. And there's, there's, and I have one that's called Knives Out. She's not out anymore, but she, she was like this, like, you know, like if you [BLEEP] with me, you [BLEEP] with death row, like I am done.

• 41:09Lewis Howes?

  So were those your two main coping mechanisms, I guess?

• 41:12Gabby Bernstein?

  Well, well, there was my 25 year old cocaine addict. And then there is the, you know, another interesting protector part is even spirituality at times. Because While it's a beautiful practice to be on a spiritual quest, and it's what I've been writing about for over a decade, we can at times use our spiritual practice to get above the pain.

• 41:37Lewis Howes?

  Give me an example.

• 41:39Gabby Bernstein?

  You're newly sober and you're like in every meditation class and you're doing, you know, your Kundalini yoga and you're, you know, you're, you're just, you're getting high on your own supply, right?

• 41:51Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 41:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Which is excellent. It's much better than drinking. And there's, and it's a beautiful pursuit. But it's also another form of protecting what is deeper.

• 42:02Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 42:03Gabby Bernstein?

  And frankly, that spiritual bypassing, as we would call it, is actually a tremendous gift at times because it's too painful to go to those places.

• 42:12Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 42:12Gabby Bernstein?

  So spirituality is what you've got. That's way better than the drugs and the alcohol, right?

• 42:17Lewis Howes?

  But you're still masking in a sense, right?

• 42:18Gabby Bernstein?

  But it's still another way of masking. It's still another way of getting above what is so uncomfortable to face below.

• 42:26Lewis Howes?

  What were the two or three biggest things that you weren't willing to face for so long?

• 42:33Gabby Bernstein?

  So...

• 42:35Lewis Howes?

  For the reasons why you had these...

• 42:37Gabby Bernstein?

  I didn't even know what they were. I, I got clean and sober at 25 and became extremely fascinated by my spiritual practice and became a spiritual teacher and started writing books on spirituality and personal growth. And then, all the while was writing books and on Oprah and, you know, friends with guys like you and, you know, doing like, moving my career forward and helping a lot of people and losing it on the inside, just cracking on the inside. And by the time I was 36 years old, I was, this is about probably maybe six months before that interview I referenced between you and I, I was just completely...

• 43:23Gabby Bernstein?

  overwhelmed with my reality that I had created.

• 43:27Lewis Howes?

  What reality?

• 43:28Gabby Bernstein?

  The extreme control.

• 43:31Lewis Howes?

  Oh, okay.

• 43:32Gabby Bernstein?

  So I had authored maybe six or seven books. I'd had all this busyness happening. And you remember, I had no team. I had like one virtual assistant running this like business that could have had 20 people at the time. And so I just kept just pushing, pushing, pushing, and all because I was trying to control. I was trying to stay safe. I was trying to stay safe from feelings that I didn't want to feel, but I didn't know that. So I kept looking back saying, why was I a drug addict? Why am I such a workaholic? Why am I codependent? Why am I, why, why, why, why, why? Until I was 36.

• 44:09Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 44:10Gabby Bernstein?

  And had a dream. And in the dream, I remembered being, I remembered I was an adult. Addressing that I had been sexually abused as a child.

• 44:24Lewis Howes?

  In the dream?

• 44:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes. And I woke up and I was like, no way, never talking about that again. I had a talk that night. I was like, no, down, get down. And a few days later, I was in therapy and my therapist was asking me a few leading questions and one thing that she said in particular just catapulted me into the memory.

• 44:49Gabby Bernstein?

  And not visual or details, but just the acceptance that this indeed did happen to me. And so it turns out that for over 30 years, I dissociated from a childhood memory because it was so extreme. And I ran from it in all the same ways that we run from trauma with the workaholism, the cocaine addiction, the love addiction, all of it.

• 45:10Lewis Howes?

  What's the root of the shame? Or what's the root of hiding or overworking or controlling? Is it the shame that I'm not enough? Or that it's just too hard to face this pain? Or that if people knew this about me, no one would love me? What's the core fear that a lot of us face when that event occurs?

• 45:31Gabby Bernstein?

  So I don't think it's necessarily a logical fear that we have in our conscious awareness. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sense. It's a underbelly.

• 45:45Gabby Bernstein?

  And the more personal growth work we do, we can see, oh, okay. You know, I worked so hard to be seen or, you know, you can start to see the map. But when we're in it, it's really hard to recognize. So much so that in the book I write about, I wrote, I write this chapter about shame. And I tell this whole story about how I'm in this training where I'm teaching, but I'm also with two other teachers. So when the other teachers were leading the workshop, I was in the audience just like, oh, let me hook up my friends. They'll sit and listen. Yeah, check it out. Like, the whole workshop is on shame. And I'm thinking, I don't have any shame. Thirty-six years old, you know?

• 46:19Lewis Howes?

  I'm succeeding, I'm driven, I'm this.

• 46:21Gabby Bernstein?

  I just, I, it's such a, it's, it's, it's the most difficult emotion to face. And being in that room, that one exercise, I was like, oh my God, this is what I've been running from, this is what I've been hiding from. This is, you know, decade into my sobriety and I'm just touching into this now.

• 46:46Lewis Howes?

  What was the exercise?

• 46:48Gabby Bernstein?

  It was, I think it was about like witnessing how you respond to things and

• 46:53Lewis Howes?

  Being aware of like how you react.

• 46:54Gabby Bernstein?

  Becoming conscious of what it feels like.

• 46:56Lewis Howes?

  If someone is a triggered human being in life, maybe not every day, but something happens and it triggers them. What is that saying about the person? That they haven't healed something that's allowing the trigger, that those events have power over them, that they're, you know, they have negative coping mechanisms. What is that reactiveness or shut down-ness and not standing up for yourself? Or whatever it is that people do, an unhealthy reaction, let's say.

• 47:22Gabby Bernstein?

  So the trigger, I'm going to speak to this in IFS language. So Internal Family Systems was founded by my, my, my new friend, Dick Schwartz. And it's just the most beautiful therapy.

• 47:31Lewis Howes?

  Internal Family Systems?

• 47:33Gabby Bernstein?

  Systems, yeah. And I now did the Level One training. I'm going to carry on and continue training in this. It's the most incredible practice I've ever used. And I've been in that type of therapy for a decade. And then I most recently got, got it under my belt. And so what, what it is, and I could do some with you too today. What it is, is the premise that we have these exiled child parts, that the young boy who was sexually abused, the little girl who was sexually abused, or just the kid that was bullied, or the kid, and I don't want to just say just, because people are committing suicide over this, but, or the, you know, being told you're not good enough or whatnot, or just a little bit of neglect, or whatever it is. Those experiences from our childhood just get so pushed away, locked under lock and key,

• 48:16Gabby Bernstein?

  never to be spoken of again. Then the protectors show up and from a very young age.

• 48:21Lewis Howes?

  Protectors meaning coping mechanisms.

• 48:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Exactly. And any time, and the protectors actually have two different forms. There's managers, which are just sort of like, you know, workaholic, you know, working, and then there's these firefighter protector parts that are like, F this, cannot go any further. I am going right for the drink or I gotta go right for the fridge, or just, just the addiction, the addictive parts, right? So those are all known as protectors. When we get triggered, when there's a moment where that child part gets activated, your, your father just passed, there's probably a lot of triggers that came up around that. Without any deep awareness

• 49:03Gabby Bernstein?

  of our system, our internal system, we'll get activated, the, the young part might get activated because we feel out of control, we feel unsafe, something activates that part. When that feeling starts to creep in, the protector comes right in. The protector's like, gonna work, gonna eat, gonna run, gonna run, run, run, run, run.

• 49:20Lewis Howes?

  The reaction.

• 49:21Gabby Bernstein?

  The reaction. Yeah, gonna control, gonna, you know, whatever it might be.

• 49:25Lewis Howes?

  Scream.

• 49:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Rage, blame, judge, judge, self-attack, attack others, binge on television, anything that that part can do to anesthetize the voice of that, or the presence, even this tinge of feeling sensation of that exiled child part. And then the beautiful good news is, we all have what's known as self. And for years, as a spiritual teacher, I would have called this higher self, or God, or universe. And in this case, I would call it self with a capital S. And self is the compassionate,

• 50:00Gabby Bernstein?

  calm, courageous, curious, creative, part of who we are that is, always has always been there. It's the truth of who we are. It's the soul of who we are. And it's a non-physical energy that is us. And when we learn to connect to that self-energy, and let that self-energy relate to and support the protectors, then our entire system can relax.

• 50:37Lewis Howes?

  You talk a lot about practicing meditation and also prayer. And you say something that was interesting, that you said about using silence to hear in between the lines. So can you share what that means to hear in between the lines through prayer, meditation, mindfulness? And kind of what this all means? How can we understand this? There's a lot of noise about it, but what does it really mean?

• 50:59Jay Shetty?

  When I hear the word mindfulness, to me, what it really means is intentionality. What I mean by that is, are you crafting, designing, and intentionally creating your life? Or are you just coasting in the passenger seat of your life, which is just dragging you and driving you wherever it's taking you? And so it's the difference between being the driver or being in the passenger seat. And so to me, living intentionally is what allows you to live a life of by design. And so I'll give you an example of what mindfulness can look like. There's something in the book that I talk about called the three S's, which are sights, sense, and sounds.

• 51:44Jay Shetty?

  And if you think about that, we're exposed to sights, sense, and sounds every single day. Every single day. But how many of us have crafted those to be sights, sense, and sounds that we want in our life? So this is what I realized. When we were monks, one of the most important things was, what was the first thing you saw, the sight, when you woke up?

• 52:04Lewis Howes?

  And right now, most people are probably seeing their screen.

• 52:07Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I think 80% of people look at their screens first thing in the morning and the last thing at the night. So you're seeing your screen first thing in the morning. But what are you really seeing? You're seeing everyone else's priorities. You're seeing everyone else's issues and challenges. You're seeing everyone else's messages to you, which means you're already starting your day off reactively. But what if you started your morning looking at a painting that inspired you? Or a picture of a loved one that brought joy in your heart? Or your favorite quote by Lewis or by anyone else that, when you read that in the morning, you were like, oh yeah, I feel in charge today to make a difference in the world. So imagine the first thing you saw in the morning was something inspiring. How much would your day change? That's mindfulness. Mindfulness is being intentional and mindful about what you are exposing yourself to.

• 52:52Jay Shetty?

  Let's talk about sounds next. So sounds were something that I started to study actually much later from a modern life perspective. But when we're monks, we would wake up to birds, we would wake up to water, we'd wake up to gongs or cymbals.

• 53:07Lewis Howes?

  Chants or yeah.

• 53:08Jay Shetty?

  Exactly, which are all beautiful sounds. Now, the crazy thing is, all of us wake up to something called an alarm.

• 53:15Lewis Howes?

  Uh, uh, uh, right, just like.

• 53:17Jay Shetty?

  Literally, I don't know why anyone would want to wake up to an alarm. Why would you want to wake up alarmed? It means now your system is alarming. Like, why would you want to do that? Why would you wanna wake up in shock? In a state of like a jolt? I don't think that's a positive way to wake up. So changing the sound that you wake up to. Now, I'm not saying that everyone can wake up to nature sounds. Maybe you're one of those people who just hit the snooze button again. But what if you woke up to a sound or a song that brought you joy? Now, when I lived in New York for two years between twenty sixteen and twenty eighteen, I started to feel quite exhausted by the end of the day, and I was really looking into like, why is it that I feel tired? And I started to realize, I came across this term called cognitive load.

• 54:00Jay Shetty?

  And what it means is that a lot of the sounds that you hear in New York City are sounds that are insignificant for your mind to process. Drilling, construction work, taxis honking, driving, cars screeching, scratching.

• 54:16Lewis Howes?

  People yelling at each other in the streets.

• 54:18Jay Shetty?

  Yelling at each other on the streets. So all of that sound is called cognitive load, where your brain is now trying to make sense of meaningless sound.

• 54:26Lewis Howes?

  Well, it's also just like, should I be afraid? This is a loud sound. Is my brain going to fight or flight? Like, I need to protect myself. So you're always being alarmed.

• 54:34Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly. And you hear sirens. The amount of sirens that I remember hearing on the streets. Now, when you hear sirens, sirens have an emotional trigger. And they have an emotional response to them. So think about your day. Think about when you come home from work. Well, now you're working from home.

• 54:50Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 54:50Jay Shetty?

  What sound do you wanna hear when you're working? What sound do you wanna hear at the end of the day? When you sound design your life, that's called mindfulness. That's being intentional. And then finally scent. Uh, scent is such a powerful sense that we're not even aware. How many of you, when you smell your favorite food, can't already wait to eat it? Like, you can almost taste it.

• 55:12Lewis Howes?

  Salivating.

• 55:12Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you're salivating. You can taste it already without, just through scent. Why is it that every time you walk into?

• 55:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, my favorite, yeah, I think pizza has one of the best sets.

• 55:23Lewis Howes?

  Well, your wife Roddy's got some amazing food. That was amazing set. When I walked in the kitchen last week, I was like, mm, this amazing.

• 55:29Jay Shetty?

  That was for you. That was special. That was for you. That was for you. That was a good meal. That was a really good meal. She really appreciated that you love to eat too. Like, she was happy. Her heart was full.

• 55:39Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. Bring a former jock into your house and you'll clear all the food out.

• 55:43Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, she was like, I've never seen someone eat that much. And I was like, you know, this like big American dude, I was like, this is like, you know, he can eat. And so, no, it was good. She was so happy that you appreciated it so much. She really appreciated that.

• 55:56Lewis Howes?

  But the scent is important in your life.

• 55:57Jay Shetty?

  When you walk into a massage spa, it's the scent, the eucalyptus, the lavender, the sandalwood.

• 56:05Lewis Howes?

  It puts you in a peaceful state.

• 56:07Jay Shetty?

  Dude, scent puts you in zen without trying. And so mindfulness is intentionally creating a life that makes you feel what you want to feel without having to just create the feeling from inside. You may say, Jay, you know, I really struggle trying to be positive. I struggle trying to deal with anxiety. I struggle trying to be focused. Your sight, sense, and sounds can help you do that.

• 56:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:31Jay Shetty?

  And you start creating an environment where you naturally feel that. Like, today when I walked into your studio, I saw your books, I saw all these motivational quotes, I saw a boxing glove, and it's like, all of a sudden, you're like, oh, I'm in a uplifting environment, right? So you already get triggered.

• 56:47Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. Yeah, I think a friend of mine mentioned one time on the podcast, Chris Lee said, you want to create an environment like a rainforest where things can thrive and grow as opposed to having an environment like a desert where things go to die.

• 57:00Jay Shetty?

  That's beautiful.

• 57:01Lewis Howes?

  And if you have sights, sense, and sounds that are like a desert for your life, for your heart, and it's gonna be hard to grow those things from your heart, but if you create an environment of a rainforest where things can grow, water, nature, you know, cool air, things like that, then you can really start to cultivate that growth. You mentioned about creating and designing your life. How much of the world do you think we receive by being here? And how much of the world do we create ourselves?

• 57:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's a beautiful question. It's a complete dynamic dance between what the Vedic tradition would call fate and free will. So fate is what is already created for you, and a good example would be the place you were born. The type of family you grew up in, the socioeconomic background you had, it was already there when you walked into the world. But within that, you had choices where your free will came about. You had the choice to either do what everyone in your neighborhood did, or to do something different. You had the choice to have a relationship with a particular person or not. So what happens is that we're constantly creating

• 58:15Jay Shetty?

  new spaces from which we have another choice.

• 58:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 58:18Jay Shetty?

  And so you kind of see it as this dynamic dance between, okay, now I'm in this situation, and now what is my choice in this situation? So I would say, I wouldn't, I'm not saying it's equal. I'm saying it's a dynamic balance and a switching process where you're constantly creating a new level, and then now in that level, you have a next choice.

• 58:38Lewis Howes?

  Because we didn't have the choice to be created here. We didn't, we were here, and that wasn't our choice. Now, everything after that is our choice, right?

• 58:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and there are some, there obviously there are some traditions, and I'm a, I'm a big diver into like reincarnation and past lives. So according to the beliefs of reincarnation or past lives, you have at some point made a choice to be here. But taking it more simplistically, the truth is that when you're brought into a situation, it's, the best analogy that I've heard and it's been told for years is of, a father is an alcoholic. One of the sons that he has decides to become an alcoholic, because his father's an alcoholic. The other son decides to never drink alcohol, because his father's an alcoholic. So they were exposed to the same situation and same scenario.

• 59:23Lewis Howes?

  Same environment.

• 59:24Jay Shetty?

  Same environment. But they both made different choices based on their experience. And that's the choice element. That's the element that we should be trying to empower in our lives. Because we can constantly say, I'm limited by my environment, or I've been restricted by my environment. And hey, it's true, there are so many of us that have been limited and restricted. But by now, you repeating that, you are going to repeat that restriction in your life.

• 59:50Lewis Howes?

  How much of a positive environment?

• 59:54Lewis Howes?

  Supports us in our growth or hordes us back. There are some people who have the perfect family situation, resources, beautiful backyards and nature, who are lazy. And there are others who have divorced parents, abusive parents, abusive friends, an environment of a desert.

• 1:00:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:16Lewis Howes?

  And they figure out a way to thrive.

• 1:00:18Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 1:00:18Lewis Howes?

  How much importance does our environment play in our overall success?

• 1:00:23Jay Shetty?

  If you look at the examples that you just shared and you really analyze life, you'd see very little because you see people craft their own life. So a good example for me is that when I came back from living in the ashram and there were other people who may have been monks who'd also left the path. And I came back to a not financially successful or supportive family. So my family doesn't have abundant wealth and couldn't necessarily have taken care of me or paid for me forever. And I had to figure out my own life. And that to me was a great sense of impetus and incentive to go and figure it out and learn new skills and network and meet people. And I saw other friends who'd parents had like a property portfolio

• 1:01:07Jay Shetty?

  with like 10 properties ready to hand them over. They had a BMW the second that they came out, whatever, you know, from their own life.

• 1:01:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:14Jay Shetty?

  Or I even have friends that had all of that and didn't become monks and didn't even find careers. So I've also got friends that I went to school with that today don't even have careers, even though their parents were really well established.

• 1:01:26Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:01:26Jay Shetty?

  Which has, all of these examples have continued me to believe that we truly have influence in our, more than our environment. Our environment affects us for sure. It plants seeds and weeds into our life, but there is still a choice. And, and I think even if you feel there isn't a choice. Simply by accepting that there is, it means you have a chance to get out of there. And I think that's what-

• 1:01:51Lewis Howes?

  Because if you don't accept that there is, then you're just gonna stay stuck.

• 1:01:53Jay Shetty?

  Correct. Like, there've been so many times in my life, and there's a beautiful quote from Edison. I don't think I said this last time, but if I did, it's worth repeating. He said that, "When you believe you've exhausted all options, remember this, you haven't." And the reason why I love that is, your mind continuously feels stuck when it's tried the obvious. And that's why a lot of creativity and focus studies say that the first ten ideas that come to your mind are never the most interesting. It's when you get into the eleventh idea that you start breaking the pattern. And so if someone asks you, "Oh, what's your best business idea?", your first ten ideas are probably not that innovative. And so the mind constantly gets stuck on that train, and you've got to keep reminding yourself that there is another door, there could be another pathway.

• 1:02:37Jay Shetty?

  I was thinking about a piece of advice that, so, one of my closest spiritual mentors, who is in London, I knew him since I was probably like twelve and properly, but since I was eighteen. He passed away this year from stage four brain cancer. And he'd had brain cancer for about, I think like, three, three, four years now, and so I hadn't really had a real interaction with him for the past few years, because every time I saw him, he wasn't fully functioning in his short-term memory. His long-term memory was there, but his short-term memory wasn't. And I remember speaking to him, probably about seven, eight years ago, and asking him the question. I said to him, "You know, I've got so many ideas. There's so many things I could do. Where do I start?" And he said this beautiful thing to me. He said, "You know what?

• 1:03:20Jay Shetty?

  Your role should be to open up every door possible." And he said, "Let the world close the doors you're not meant to walk through, and walk through the ones that remain open." And what I realized is, most of us are just not opening up enough doors, because we think we only have the option of two doors. We look at life as binary. Zero and one, zero and one, right? It's just A or B, this or that. And, I mean, I think you'd say this too about you and every guest you've ever had on. I don't think life is ever this or that. It's like this, that, and that, and maybe that, and that. And there's always a gap.

• 1:03:52Lewis Howes?

  Of course. The challenge that people have that I've sensed a lot is the fear of criticism when you go after something that you weren't supposed to do, or that people don't think you're supposed to do. Why do so many people fear criticism from peers, family, friends, the media? Why is that such a big fear? And how do we overcome criticism from others?

• 1:04:16Jay Shetty?

  Psychologically, we feel a sense of safety and security when we think people agree with us. Right? That is just psychologically true, that we would rather avoid conflict and sit in a space where we agree, and therefore we have something called confirmation bias and the echo chamber, where we keep surrounding ourselves with thoughts and ideas that are similar and reaffirm our beliefs. Now, I think that you can have that and at the same time entertain ideas that you're not sure about yet. And so one of my favorite examples was MIT did this study where they asked people which person was more creative and innovative. And they showed two charts.

• 1:04:58Jay Shetty?

  One chart was employee A and the other chart was employee B. The chart for employee A, all of the people they knew, knew each other and knew them back. So it was almost like a closed loop. And employee B, they knew lots of people who didn't know each other. And they found that people who have more people in their network who don't know each other are more likely to be creative and productive.

• 1:05:22Lewis Howes?

  Really? Why is that?

• 1:05:23Jay Shetty?

  Because they expose you to opposing ideas and they may counteract how you think. So one of my favorite examples of this is a conversation between Mark Zuckerberg and one of his mentors. So Mark Zuckerberg told this story at the Facebook headquarters a few years back. I wasn't there, I've seen it on video, I'm sure it's available. And he talks about how, when he was struggling with the direction of Facebook in 2009, He approached his mentor and his mentor happened to be Steve Jobs. Wow. Pretty cool. Wow. Pretty cool. I wish. That's really cool. It's so cool, man. And so anyway, so Mark Zuckerberg goes to Steve Jobs and he says, I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook. Remember at that time, Facebook was five years old. There was no fan pages, I don't think.

• 1:06:06Jay Shetty?

  I don't, I don't think it was, there was no creators. There was, I don't think there were fan pages. It was very much used by university students at that stage. Like, I think it was mainly like Ivy Leagues. College kids. College kids. And I don't even think it was international in a massive way. Very early days and now we can't even think of that. But 2009, I mean, you know, you just about had the iPhone and just about had Instagram and YouTube. So he ran up to Steve Jobs and he said, you know, I'm struggling with the direction of Facebook. What do I do? Now, Steve Jobs, at that time, obviously was already the founder of one of the biggest brands on the planet and obviously the brand still is. He had access to investors. He had access to business coaches. I'm sure he had access to life coaches. He had access to. Health experts and everything.

• 1:06:51Jay Shetty?

  He had access to anything. Like, I don't think there was anyone. Scientists, whatever. Scientists, PhDs. I don't think there's anyone in the world who Steve Jobs couldn't have called up at the time. And Steve Jobs said something amazing. He said, you know what, Mark? I think you should go and live in an ashram in India. He did not. He did. No way. It's a true story. He goes, anyway, when you go to live in the ashram in India, that's where, if you spend some time there, that's where you'll find your answer. Shut up. And Mark did it. No way. Went to the ashram. It's a true story. For how long? I, I believe he was there for, I believe, I've seen two online. I've seen two versions of the exact time he was there. I've seen some people said it was a couple of days or a week or some people said it's a month. So I think it's, it's hazy how much time he actually spent there. But, but he went.

• 1:07:32Jay Shetty?

  And he says that based on that experience, that's where he found the direction of Facebook, to be connecting people. Now, the reason why I love that story is because it's the unobvious, alternative, random connection. And when Harvard did a study of 3,000 executives, they looked at and asked them, what's the number one skill for being a good leader? And a lot of people would say communication. A lot of people would say. Vision. Vision, strategy, humility. And the number one answer that they got from 3,000 executives was the one word which is called associating. And what that means is the ability to spot patterns where everyone else doesn't see them.

• 1:08:14Jay Shetty?

  And that's the connect that real leaders can spot patterns and connections in anomalies. So most people would be like, what has an ashram got to do with a tech platform?

• 1:08:24Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:08:24Jay Shetty?

  But that is where you expand your mind to find answers that you never expected.

• 1:08:30Lewis Howes?

  How important is creating alone time with noises, people, busy work to allow your mind to expand? Is that the only time in that silence? I think you mentioned it. Silence to hear in between the lines.

• 1:08:46Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:46Lewis Howes?

  Is that where we start to hear what we're supposed to be creating, where we're supposed to be heading, our mission?

• 1:08:52Jay Shetty?

  That's, yeah, I'm really glad you brought that back. I wanted to get back to that. So when we talk about, there's a beautiful statement by David Lynch, who's movie producer and a deep meditator. And he says that prayer is how you talk to God and meditation is how God talks to you.

• 1:09:09Lewis Howes?

  Ooh.

• 1:09:10Jay Shetty?

  And whether you believe in God or the universe or spirit or divine, whatever it means, the point is that there is a dialogue and a conversation.

• 1:09:18Lewis Howes?

  So prayer is like you're speaking, you're saying, here's what I want.

• 1:09:21Jay Shetty?

  Here's how I feel.

• 1:09:21Lewis Howes?

  Help me.

• 1:09:22Jay Shetty?

  Help me, yeah.

• 1:09:22Lewis Howes?

  And meditation is more receiving.

• 1:09:24Jay Shetty?

  Receiving, yeah. And so I love that statement because I think it makes it very clear that we have to have a dialogue with the universe. We have to have a dialogue with people in our lives. We have to have a dialogue and there's both giving and receiving. So when I talk about hearing in between the lines, the best example I can give you, Lewis, is let's take a look at you and your relationship and mine and my wife's relationship. One of us is always traveling.

• 1:09:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:50Jay Shetty?

  So you travel, your partner travels, I travel, my wife travels. Sometimes we're missing each other. Imagine you've got really busy and hectic. Do you think, and anyone listening or watching, you can ask the same question, if you were really busy and hectic and stressed out, do you think your partner feels comfortable to tell you how they feel and get your attention?

• 1:10:12Lewis Howes?

  If I'm busy, stressed out, overwhelmed, would my partner tell me how I feel about themselves or about?

• 1:10:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, do you think they would feel confident to be like, Louis, I need to tell you something really important?

• 1:10:23Lewis Howes?

  I don't think they would.

• 1:10:24Jay Shetty?

  They wouldn't. They really wouldn't because

• 1:10:26Lewis Howes?

  They don't want to stress you out more.

• 1:10:27Jay Shetty?

  They don't want to stress you out more.

• 1:10:28Lewis Howes?

  You're not present, all these things.

• 1:10:29Jay Shetty?

  Exactly. So exactly that. And so what happens is when you're still, your mind and body actually get to speak to you and give you signals of how they feel. And so when you're still, that's when you notice that ache in your foot that you haven't noticed for a month. Sometimes when you slow down, that's when you get sick. Because your body wasn't allowing itself to be sick because you were pushing it to get through stuff. And so just like your partners can't communicate with you until you slow down, your body and mind can't communicate with you until you're still. And so there's a beautiful Buddhist teaching that says what movement does for the body, stillness does for the mind. And so when we find that space, stillness and solitude,

• 1:11:14Jay Shetty?

  you really are able to hear your deepest desires and challenges, your physical pains and areas of growth. It's one of the reasons why when people meditate, they feel sleepy afterwards and they think they're doing it wrong. But actually, they're doing it right. Meditation just told you you needed more sleep.

• 1:11:31Lewis Howes?

  You needed rest.

• 1:11:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, meditation was just a signal. So sometimes when I meditate with people that I'm coaching.

• 1:11:36Lewis Howes?

  They're like, pass out.

• 1:11:37Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, some of them, some of them will be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Jay. I'm just feeling so tired. And I'm like, no.

• 1:11:42Lewis Howes?

  They're asleep, they're rest.

• 1:11:43Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's what your body's telling you because you finally listened. And some people are like, oh, Jay, I feel so energized. And I'm like, yeah, because you allowed yourself to be in line with your body. I know your body's saying that you feel energized. And that's great. You've got that energy. Go work out, go build something. So.

• 1:11:58Lewis Howes?

  Or you've cleared out those negative thoughts, or you've let go of those distractions, or that resentment. And so you're not feeling this weight, so you feel lighter.

• 1:12:05Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And so that stillness and silence is one of my favorite ways for you to actually build that relationship with hearing your inner voice.

• 1:12:15Lewis Howes?

  Is there too much silence? Like if you say, okay, five hours a day, is there a tipping point where you're like, okay, I think you do two hours every morning, but. A lot of people say, well, I've only got 20 minutes, maybe.

• 1:12:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:27Lewis Howes?

  Is is five hours too much? Is an hour, you know, what is the maximum or minimum sweet spot you think for people to be silent every day?

• 1:12:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:36Lewis Howes?

  To live a great life?

• 1:12:37Jay Shetty?

  I think I think 20 minutes is a great starting point.

• 1:12:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:40Jay Shetty?

  Because 20 minutes is significant enough time for your mind to switch off. So we hear that study showed that we have 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day.

• 1:12:48Lewis Howes?

  And a lot of them are repeating.

• 1:12:49Jay Shetty?

  80% are negative. I'm guessing a lot of them are repeating. And so if you're only going to say, I'm going to do five minutes, it just takes five minutes to switch off. Like it takes five minutes to just overcome that noise. And so I'd say that 20 minutes is a good amount of time. And hey, you're not trying, and I think this is the challenge with meditation mindfulness, you're not trying to empty your mind. You're just trying to be present with it.

• 1:13:11Lewis Howes?

  And listen better.

• 1:13:12Jay Shetty?

  And listen to it and experience it.

• 1:13:15Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter.

• 1:13:59Lewis Howes?

  And now it's time to go out there and do something great.