Why Your Relationship Checklist is Getting in Your Way & How to Stop Questioning if You are With the Right Person

What do you look for in a partner? What do you think makes a relationship interesting? Today, let's talk about the disparity between what people say they want in a partner — traits like kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness — and what they often find themselves attracted to, which may be more superficial qualities like physical attractiveness. Jay references research from the Pew Research Center to highlight that 35% of men value physical attractiveness most in women, while 33% of women value honesty and morality most in men. He discusses how societal pressures and media influence shape these preferences and often lead people to prioritize the wrong traits, which can result in unsatisfying relationships. Additionally, Jay addresses the issues of men looking for nurturing qualities in women, sometimes in an unhealthy, maternal sense, and the pressure on men to achieve professional and financial success. He also touches on the societal expectations and challenges faced by successful women who feel they need to downplay their achievements to attract partners. In this episode, you'll learn: How to identify cover values in a partner How to balance attraction and values How to avoid common relationship pitfalls How to build a connection based on values How to foster a healthy relationship By focusing on qualities like kindness, empathy, and honesty, we can build deeper, more meaningful connections. True compatibility goes beyond physical attraction and societal expectations, it's rooted in shared values and mutual respect. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:26 What Is More Important to Us in a Partner? 04:44 #1: Physical Attractiveness 05:16 #2: Honesty and Morality 08:37 #3: Empathy, Nurturing, Kindness 15:30 #4: Professional, Financial Success 18:49 #5: Intelligence 23:06 Looking for Love in the Wrong Places See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells,

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

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• 2:10Jay Shetty?

  Safety features designed to help keep you more aware, more connected and more engaged with the road ahead. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand and has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick Plus awards than any other car brand as of July 2026. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services.

• 2:42Jay Shetty?

  There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more present and self-aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to actually be mindful in your day-to-day life. That's where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you build positive habits, shift your self-talk, reframe your negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life. So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out my seven-minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each

• 3:25Jay Shetty?

  and every day. Right now, listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com/jay. That's C-A-L-M dot com forward slash J-A-Y for 40% off. Calm your mind, change your life. We say we want those things, but when we experience it in reality, a lot of people will say, "Oh, they're so kind, they're so sweet, but they're boring." And then the other person who's not kind and sweet, they're exhilarating. It's a really weird contrast in how we say we want someone who's kind, we want someone who's thoughtful, but then when we experience that in reality, it's not fun, there's no chemistry, there's no spark, right? And then we often go for

• 4:07Jay Shetty?

  the person who's not kind, not nurturing, not empathetic. What I'm getting at here is-

• 4:21Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for turning up for yourself, for turning up to the On Purpose show. I am so grateful that you are here with me right now. Now, if you're single and you're trying to figure out how to find your person, this episode is for you. If you're recently single and you're trying to figure out what's going wrong, what mistakes am I making? This episode is for you. And even if you're dating someone, even if you're married, but you're trying to figure out how to deepen your connection, how to understand more. Maybe you're even questioning whether you're with the right person.

• 5:04Jay Shetty?

  This episode is for you. I want to dive in to some really interesting research today. And the research comes from the Pew Research Center. And it talks about what men most value in women and what women most value in men. Now, I have to come clean with you to start off with. Last night, my wife, my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law made me watch my first ever episode of Love Island. I think it's season six of the USA version of the show. I'd never watched an episode before in my life. And again,

• 5:46Jay Shetty?

  today's episode is not inspired by that by any means. But it was just fascinating to me as to how after years and years of research, technological advancement and everything else, and even just seeing what works and what doesn't work, what we focus on about other people is so limited and so limiting. And it led me to go down this rabbit hole when I was thinking about this episode today and researching for the episode. And asking myself, what is it that we say is most important to us in a potential partner? But then how do we get carried away with what we're attracted to? Right, let me say that again. What is the difference

• 6:30Jay Shetty?

  between what we say is important to us in a partner? And then how do we get carried away with what we get attracted to? And I think what I was originally thinking about was this idea that

• 6:47Jay Shetty?

  We almost know what's good for us, but we want what's bad for us. Right? We know what's good for us, but we'll ignore all of that. If there's something attractive, if there's something shiny, if there's something exciting, if there's something invigorating, we're willing to give up all of our good, common sense. Now, let's actually look at the research. This was what traits or characteristics do you think people in our society are most attracted to? So what do you think men value most in women? Number one thing that came out, what do you think it is?

• 7:29Jay Shetty?

  It was thirty-five percent said physical attractiveness is the most important thing they value in a woman. I'm not surprised by that, and I think you hear that a lot, you see that a lot. I think that has led to so many challenges in our society, where there's so much pressure on appearance, there's so many enhancements of appearance, like it all becomes about that. Now, when women were asked what they most value in men, what do you think that was? Thirty-three percent said honesty and morality. Now, that's a really interesting one, because I think you end up watching videos on TikTok

• 8:11Jay Shetty?

  and on social media, and you see everyone talking about how the height is the most important thing. The bag balance is the most important thing, which we'll get to in a second. We're talking about who's paying on the first date. It's really interesting what cultural conversations spiral online versus what we say in a questionnaire. And I feel like there's a disconnect there. I think what's really interesting to me is you could go down this list and have someone tick a lot of it, and then find them, not that you find them unattractive, but they don't tick this really artificial box. Like, someone's height doesn't define the quality of your relationship.

• 8:52Jay Shetty?

  It just doesn't, right? It's almost like saying, I will drink a bottle of water because it's taller than the other bottle, but they both have the same amount of water in it. If you have two bottles and they both have 500 milliliters of water in it, but one's taller, one's shorter, you choose the taller one, but it doesn't change your experience of the water. It doesn't change your experience of drinking. It doesn't change the quality of the water within. And I think for so many of us who have been burned in relationships, who constantly feel that we're going after the wrong thing. How many of you can relate to that? Where you keep saying, Jay, you know what? I just keep picking the wrong person. I keep tripping myself up.

• 9:36Jay Shetty?

  I know I keep making mistakes. It's because we're focusing on the taller bottle of water. So I want to ask you, what is your tall bottle of water, right? What is that trip up for you? Right? What is that thing that keeps? Like Muhammad Ali said, the pebble in your shoe, right? What is that? That keeps giving you that discomfort? That keeps tripping you up? That keeps making you make the wrong decision? Because we say one thing, but then we follow the other. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is not important. I think you should be attracted to your person. But I think sometimes we create artificial, superficial, very limited and limiting criteria

• 10:20Jay Shetty?

  that doesn't really allow us to find love. And I think a lot of that criteria comes from what we were trained and conditioned to believe was attractive when we were younger. Right? When we were younger, we saw certain things on the front cover of magazines. We saw certain body types in movies and TV shows. We saw certain colors of skin that we're exposed to through media. And we built up desires. We built up ideas and visions of what a person should be. But I think so often, we're looking at criteria that doesn't impact the quality of the experience, which is bizarre.

• 11:02Jay Shetty?

  There's so many things in life where you would never assess it purely based on a superficial metric that doesn't change the experience of the product. Right? Now, number two of what men most value in women. Thirty percent said empathy, nurturing, kindness. Now, there's one thing I want to talk about because I see this a lot. I see this with friends. When a lot of men say nurturing, they often want a mom in their partner. I'm just going to put it out there.

• 11:43Jay Shetty?

  I had to say it because I think so many individuals struggle with growing up. And I think there's a lot of talk about women and daddy issues, but there's not a lot of talk about men and mommy issues. And it's this idea of I want someone who is nurturing, but in a very maternal way, like I want them to take care of me. I want them to take care of the house. I want them to do what my mom did. I want them to cook. I want them to... And it's not just the gender roles, but there's this false expectation. And I think what's really interesting about that is a lot of people being naturally nurturing, naturally empathetic, naturally kind, kind of see it as beautiful because it's a way of being needed. It's a way of being wanted. It's a way of being useful.

• 12:28Jay Shetty?

  But I think we have to really look at that in what we desire and what the other person is willing to deliver on. And again, I go back to it. Do we want a partner who's equal and excited and curious? Or are we really looking for someone to take care of us? Because if we're looking for someone to take care of us, it ends up leading to the relationship we don't want. We then say, oh, well, they're not adventurous. Oh, well, they're not interesting. Oh, they're not passionate. And it's like, well, yeah, because they're mothering or fathering you. Right? If your partner is now your parent. You're not gonna find them attractive after a while. You're not gonna find them interesting after a while. You're gonna find that they're annoying you, that they're on your case,

• 13:12Jay Shetty?

  that they're holding you accountable. All the things that you potentially are challenged by or resent in your parents, you now project that onto your partner. So when we say things like, "I want someone to be empathetic, nurturing, kind", let's really look at what we mean by that. And I actually think, here's the thing. We say we want those things, but when we experience it in reality, a lot of people will say, "Oh, they're so kind, they're so sweet, but they're boring", right? And then the other person who's not kind and sweet, they're exhilarating. It's a really weird contrast in how we say we want someone who's kind, we want someone who's thoughtful, but then when we experience that in reality, it's not fun.

• 13:55Jay Shetty?

  There's no chemistry, there's no spark, right? And then we often go for the person who's not kind, not nurturing, not empathetic. What I'm getting at here is we know we want people of high character and high value. We want someone who has deep values. We want someone who has values like honesty, kindness, morality, nurturing. Both in men and women, we've seen honesty and morality top one for women wanting in men, and empathy, nurturing, kindness, number two in women. You've got all these deep values that are right up there in what we want, but we're so easily shifted away from our values. So you're asking me, Jay, why is that?

• 14:39Jay Shetty?

  Why is it that I know what's good for me, but I choose what's bad for me? How many of you can relate to that? Jay, I know what's right for me, but why do I always choose what's wrong for me? It's interesting, isn't it? It's a trick of the mind. The mind has the ability to trick you. You know what's good for you, but you'll still choose what's bad for you. You know what's right for you, but you will choose what's wrong for you. This happens because we become clouded, our vision becomes blurred, and ultimately, love is blind.

• 15:21Jay Shetty?

  We get blinded by the chemicals of the spark and of attraction and of lust that literally blur our vision so that we now no longer see the unfavorable elements of that individual. This is true for the chemicals released during and after sex. This is true for when we first feel that chemical attraction to someone. We're actually emotionally vision impaired to notice the things about someone that actually matter. And I've partnered up with Match, which I'm really excited about as their relationship advisor,

• 16:04Jay Shetty?

  because what I found is that dating apps are not the problem. The challenge is of what we're focused on and what we're looking at. If we don't understand our values and we don't understand the other person's values and they don't understand theirs and ours, it doesn't matter how many other boxes we tick. If you're truly in this for a successful relationship, if you're truly in this for a real deep partnership, I promise you, the artificial superficial things are not going to be the ones that make a difference. Your values are, your knowledge, awareness, acceptance and respect for someone's values are.

• 16:48Jay Shetty?

  So I want you to head over to match.com/jay if you want to match people through value systems, through a deeper value connection. Again, I'm not saying, I want you to be attracted to the person. I want you to think they're fun. I want you to be excited. But I want us to pivot and shift our mindset.

• 17:07Jay Shetty?

  On for a moment, deprioritizing the things that society, media, parents and friends have told us to overvalue and shift more emphasis onto the things we've been made to undervalue, like honesty, kindness, connection, empathy, these deep values that are so critical to the success of a relationship, right? And, and we do this with everything, right? Like, there'll be debates constantly between iPhone and Android users. People saying like, oh, well, Android is more customizable, iPhone's more the slickness. And again, we, we follow brand. And it's true, right?

• 17:51Jay Shetty?

  Like Android does have, and Samsung phones do have more functionality, but we choose something that we think has a certain brand or whatever it may be. And it's interesting how when you start doing that in love, it has far bigger ramifications than with technology, right? This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now.

• 18:35Jay Shetty?

  In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading,

• 19:19Jay Shetty?

  but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favourite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.

• 20:05Jay Shetty?

  Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colours, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. Number two of what women want in men, 23% said professional financial success.

• 20:49Jay Shetty?

  And I want to call out, this has caused a lot of stress and pressure for a lot of friends, a lot of good men. Because I think we're again living in a society where people are exposed to a world online of fast cars, jewellery, you've got their high-flying life. And it can become quite intimidating and quite challenging for people to think they have to live up to that. And I know a lot of good, hard-working, honest men that are trying their best, that are passionate about what they do, that care about what they do, but they're being undervalued. And I always like sharing this because to me it makes a huge difference.

• 21:34Jay Shetty?

  When I met Radhi, materially, I didn't have anything. And Radhi chose to be with me at a time when I was still trying to pay off my student debt. And I didn't even have a job. And I don't even thought she knew if I would ever get anywhere externally to a certain level. But I think the point was, I had someone who believed in me and saw that I wanted to grow. And I think I want to point that out here, which comes third for women, which is nineteen percent ambition and leadership women wanting in men.

• 22:15Jay Shetty?

  Is that I truly believe that ambition is something that is better to look for than already achieved financial success. Someone who already has financial success may want to pivot. They may even want to quit their job to try something. By the way, someone else who hasn't made it, especially when you met someone young, they need to have time. And if that person feels pressure rather than belief, chances are they'll buckle. Now, the other thing I'd like to point out is whether you're a man or woman, these are all themes that I think are across the board.

• 22:53Jay Shetty?

  For me, if you're looking for someone who's ambitious, you've also got to understand from a value point of view what that trade is. So if you want someone ambitious, chances are they won't be available all the time. Right? You can't have someone ambitious and available. It doesn't work that way. And I think a lot of us will want someone who's ambitious, but then we'll say, why are they not available? Right? We'll say, we want someone who's successful, but then we're saying, well, why are they not? Why are they not messaging me? Why are they not available this weekend? Why are they not up for hanging out? And it's like, well, they're not living spontaneous, they're living structured. So we also have to understand the value that we want in someone. How does that value show up in reality?

• 23:38Jay Shetty?

  I think we almost have these very one dimensional views of values. Right? Our one dimensional view of ambition is, oh, someone who has goals, someone who has dreams. But then we want them to have dreams, but then we want them to never work on their dreams because we want them to be around. Right? It doesn't add up. And I think we can have these very limited and limiting views of what a true goal looks like. Now, the third thing that men look for in women, 22% said intelligence. And again, by the way, I am calling out all sides of it because it's, it's so interesting to me. I have a lot of incredibly successful female friends who are doing amazing entrepreneurs, building incredible companies,

• 24:19Jay Shetty?

  doing phenomenal stuff, and they actually feel like their intelligence is intimidating. They feel like their ambition is intimidating. And a lot of them feel like they have to kind of lower themselves or lower their standards or make themselves feel less smart, less thoughtful, less, you know, less accomplished in order to attract someone. Let me say this, your partner who cares about you, who values you, will admire your success. Now, I think there's a difference also between admiring and being a fan. And I think admiration is healthier than fandom.

• 25:01Jay Shetty?

  I think if someone's a big fan of yours, it's hard to be a partner. And sometimes we say, oh, my partner's my number one fan. I want to be their number one fan. I mean, to be honest, I'd probably even say I'm Ravi's number one fan. And maybe, maybe I should take back my statement now because I'm like, yeah, I am Ravi's number one fan. What am I talking about? But, but I think the idea that there's an admiration for what you do and there's a respect for what you do, but you have to have that back for them, whatever they decide to be or whatever they decide to do. And so if you are someone who feels like your success intimidates people or your success, you know, makes people feel uncomfortable, chances are you're just...

• 25:43Jay Shetty?

  Speaking to the wrong people because you shouldn't have to play down your success. I know someone who constantly started to play down their success. Whenever they were around someone to date them, they complained about their life. They did all those things and then someone left them because they said they were too negative. Now, this person wasn't negative at all. So just imagine that for a second. You're a positive, high functioning, high performer. Then, in order to make yourself more relatable, you start talking about your bad experiences and what's going wrong. And then that person leaves you, not because you're intimidating, but because they see you as uninteresting and complaining and negative.

• 26:28Jay Shetty?

  And so I think you don't want to become someone you're not. And there's this beautiful quote that I read from Arlen Was Here the other day on Twitter. And it said, "Be yourself so that the people looking for you can find you." And I think that's what that patience needs to be, that I don't have to make myself smaller in order to have a big experience of love. I don't have to make myself less significant in order to find a significant other. Let me say that again.

• 27:09Jay Shetty?

  You don't have to make yourself less significant to find a significant other. Because a significant other will recognize your significance and celebrate it. Now, I want to go down this list for you so you know. So what women value most in men? Nineteen percent said strength and toughness. Eighteen percent said hard work, good work ethic. Eleven percent said physical attractiveness. Eleven percent said empathy, nurturing kindness. Nine percent said loyalty, dependability. Eight percent said intelligence. Five percent said being family oriented. And five percent said politeness, respectfulness.

• 27:49Jay Shetty?

  Notice how a relationship is made up of loyalty, politeness, respectfulness, but those only make up fourteen percent of respondents. Fourteen percent.

• 28:06Jay Shetty?

  Versus strength and toughness at nineteen percent. And, and by the way, I think we all look at people and we're like, how can, how can you think that? But, but we all, this trick is played on all of us. We all fall for it. And so I want us to be really careful. When you're next meeting someone, don't write them off because they're boring and they're polite and respectful. Because there's a part of us that gets excitement. And it's the tension and the stress that feels positive in the beginning. When you're playing guessing games and you're checking in. And I've talked about this example before, this idea of there's stress and excitement. When someone's playing hard to get, there's the excitement of I got their number.

• 28:49Jay Shetty?

  The stress is what should I message them? The excitement is, oh, I just messaged them. The stress is when will they message back? The excitement is, I'm so excited we're going out on a date. The stress is, oh, they were hot and cold. And that creates positive tension in the beginning. But really, it's not what we're looking for. It's exhausting.

• 29:11Jay Shetty?

  And what this study says, men are looking for, and women, nine percent said hard work. Eight percent said professional financial success. Seven percent said loyalty, dependability. Seven percent said competence, ability. Six percent said independence and self reliance. Five percent said strength and toughness. Five percent said politeness, respectfulness. And five percent said ability to multitask. What I'm realizing is we're looking for love in all the wrong places. And usually we think of wrong places as, oh, am I in the right bar? Am I in the right restaurant? Am I on the right app? Right? That kind of thing. And what I'm saying is actually we're looking for it in the wrong places because we're looking at criteria

• 29:55Jay Shetty?

  that doesn't define the quality of a relationship.

• 29:59Jay Shetty?

  Right? For example, if you want to know whether a movie is good or not, you look on Rotten Tomatoes or IMDb. If you want to know whether a car insurance or something is good, you'll ask a friend or family member what they use. You go to the specific criteria to measure something. But you wouldn't say, "Oh, I want to know if a movie is good. I'm going to look at the height of the actors and the cast." Right? Literally, you wouldn't do that because it doesn't impact the quality of the movie. That is literally how ridiculous it is to say, "I'm gonna look at this person's height." Now, I keep picking on the height thing because it was big on that episode of Love Island yesterday. But, and I'm not mad at that, I'm not.

• 30:43Jay Shetty?

  Again, like, I get it. We're attracted to certain things. But I want you to really understand the correlation between what you're attracted to in a healthy relationship. Like, that element, that criteria, is not going to change the quality of your relationship. It's not going to change the experience of your relationship. Now, I really want you to go check out match.com/j to understand your values, select your values, and be matched with people based on your values. Because I think that, like I said, so many of us forget our values very quickly. And I think that's because they've been talked about in this very theoretical way.

• 31:28Jay Shetty?

  It's kind of like an idea that we have. We've never seen them. We don't put them at the center of connection. We kind of put all the other stuff of like personality and attractiveness above it, when values are truly what it's about in a long-term relationship. And so I would love for you to go and become more familiarized with values. I'd love for you to check out my book, Eight Rules of Love, which focuses deeply on understanding someone's values and them understanding yours as being the core and central part of a healthy relationship. And I want to thank you all again for listening today, for connecting here. I really hope this episode helps you. I hope it serves and supports you.

• 32:11Jay Shetty?

  And I can't wait for you to listen to more episodes on purpose. Share this with a friend, pass it along. Thank you so much for listening. I'm always in your corner and I'm forever rooting for you. Hey everyone, if you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.