How Much Are Couples Actually Fighting (and Why)?

If you're wondering how much couples are actually fighting, what they're fighting about, and how they're making up – we got you! We conducted surveys to ask these questions, and are also sharing our own experiences regarding conflict (and conflict resolution), makeup sex, the advice of "never go to bed angry," why you shouldn't fight over text, and how toxic relationships take a toll on your health. And we're discussing couples who say they never fight (ahem George Clooney and Travis Kelce). Before we get into the topic, Ashley pops off about the new iPhone feature she feels victimized by, Rayna shares the one thing about traveling she can't get right, and we have a foolproof tip for getting kinkier in the bedroom. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Shopify: Go to https://shopify.com/gge and start building your own empire today. Quince: Get free shipping and 365-day returns on your next order at https://quince.com/gge. Just Thrive: Get 20% off your first order at justthrivehealth.com with promo code GGE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Couples who say they never fight or they've never had an argument. I have so many more questions.

• 0:24Rayna Greenberg?

  This podcast is a Dear Media production.

• 0:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

• 0:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Welcome back.

• 0:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  What's up?

• 0:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Sorry, we just did another recording. I feel a little spent.

• 0:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, we'll be fine. We'll make it through. We'll power through.

• 0:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I know. We did 40 minutes and I was like, are we done?

• 0:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  End of the month.

• 0:45Rayna Greenberg?

  End of the month. Almost your special month.

• 0:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  We survived it.

• 0:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't you feel like January last year, like would, there was no end to January? Every day was January 1st. I quit.

• 0:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, because of the fires.

• 0:56Rayna Greenberg?

  But this, this January is like normal January.

• 1:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Not because just the fires.

• 1:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't you think January is usually really long?

• 1:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  It is 31 days. It does make a difference. February is shorter.

• 1:09Rayna Greenberg?

  I never know how many days are in a month. I don't even know February.

• 1:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  You don't know, Raina?

• 1:14Rayna Greenberg?

  What, 28?

• 1:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, but you don't know the others?

• 1:17Rayna Greenberg?

  I know the summer 31 and summer 30 and I know the rhyme.

• 1:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Know them? You wouldn't be able to guess them?

• 1:23Rayna Greenberg?

  Fuck no, I could not guess.

• 1:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Raina, you should know this.

• 1:26Rayna Greenberg?

  No, you don't. You don't do the rhyme every single time.

• 1:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I just know. I just know which months have a 31.

• 1:32Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, tell me.

• 1:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God. All right. January has 31. February is 28 or 29.

• 1:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I thought it was 27.

• 1:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  27? 27 would be unhinged. Okay, March 31st.

• 1:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 1:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  April 30th, May 31st, June definitely 30, July definitely 31.

• 1:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  August, definitely 31. September 30. October 31. November 30?

• 2:07Rayna Greenberg?

  Unclear.

• 2:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  December 31.

• 2:08Rayna Greenberg?

  All I know in the rhyme is I'm like 30 days past. I thought it's April, June, and November?

• 2:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm going on, like, I can just visualize, which, like, there's no November 31st.

• 2:20Rayna Greenberg?

  I guess that sounds weird, but you could tell me that there was, and I'd be like, sure, that sounds right.

• 2:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, are you guys more Raina's friend or more Ashley's friend?

• 2:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Here's a couple of things that I can't do without a rhyme, or like, just somebody explain something.

• 2:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Tie your shoes?

• 2:30Rayna Greenberg?

  No, I tie my shoes pretty good. Also, I never untie my shoes. You don't have to tie them if you never untie.

• 2:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Stay ready so you don't have to get ready.

• 2:43Rayna Greenberg?

  My shoes are all stretched out and the backs are all stretched out.

• 2:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know, I know. These are like, obviously my favorite shoes, and I never untie them. I'm just stretching the, stretching them out. But you know, if I stretch them out too much, I'll buy new ones. That's what it's like to be an adult.

• 2:54Rayna Greenberg?

  I have to relearn that rhyme, because I think, the rhyme I know is like, 30 days past September, April, June, and November, the rest of 31, except for February's 28.

• 3:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  But like, you just, what you said, I can't even, I don't even, that sounded crazy.

• 3:06Rayna Greenberg?

  I think it's wrong.

• 3:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, a spell.

• 3:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 3:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Whatever you just said would not, would not help me.

• 3:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, so I know that rhyme, sort of. Left or right, I don't have to do the L thing anymore with my fingers. I actually, I think I have a good grasp on left or right.

• 3:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  You'll know just what hand you're dominant with?

• 3:29Rayna Greenberg?

  No, no, no, I mean, which direction to turn. Like, when you tell somebody to make a left or a right, like, I used to have to, like, make the L with my hand. That's a normal thing. And then the thing that trips me up the number one the most in the world is when we get to the airport and it says arrivals and departures.

• 3:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Raina, you cannot get a handle on this.

• 3:44Rayna Greenberg?

  It's just like, I am arriving at the airport, so it's just, kidding, she's a language.

• 3:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  That is fair. Like, you're arriving.

• 3:52Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm arriving.

• 3:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 3:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not departing at the moment. And so it feels, I do have to say to myself, like, that means flights and not cars.

• 4:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. Who is, if you're coming in or if you're leaving. You are also departing. I would do that as a reframe. You are arriving at the airport to depart on a flight.

• 4:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, then it's still, it's like, which lane? Which lane do I go in?

• 4:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm trying to think if there's anything I have like this that I just can't seem to get a handle on.

• 4:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Food words?

• 4:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, but that's just, I can't pronounce anything. That's just my lack of culture.

• 4:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, let's thank our partners and we can get into it. Thanks to Shopify. Go to Shopify.com/gge and start building your own empire today. And Quince, get free shipping and 365 day returns on your next order at quince.com/gge.

• 4:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  And thank you to Just Thrive. Get 20% off your first order at justthrivehealth.com with promo code GGE.

• 4:48Rayna Greenberg?

  And it's sexy season. We're approaching Valentine's Day. It's blowjob season. It's masturbate season. It's stay and fuck your partner season.

• 4:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  January, you can't do that. But now that January is almost over, get it poppin'. No one fucks in January.

• 5:05Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy. I haven't had sex all of January? Is that even possible? No, actually, I start the tour this week and I'll probably have sex.

• 5:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my God, you get it in in January? Seriously, Raina, this, you have one week? Also, yes, Raina's tour starts this week.

• 5:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  We can't wait to see you guys.

• 5:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh yeah, big week. Listen, I'm in New York City at the Stand, January 28th, Wednesday night. I'm gonna run my full hour. So please come, you guys. Just come. I made it cheap. And then I'll see you in Tampa with Ashley, January 29th. And I'll see you in Miami with Ashley, May 1st. And it is a 4pm show.

• 5:44Rayna Greenberg?

  And how many days does May have?

• 5:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  31.

• 5:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  My Miami show was May 1st last year.

• 5:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Your Phoenix show, that like, you know, you had me come host and like, I was so nervous and I had like, never done a set by myself, is almost one year to the week of my Phoenix show.

• 6:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, really? Oh, I love that.

• 6:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Your sister-in-law's gonna be there. Are you gonna come to that?

• 6:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  We'll see. I don't know. We need to figure out my schedule. I do need, I actually need to sit down and really look at my year.

• 6:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 6:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't have a big ass calendar this year and I still haven't taken down my big ass calendar from last year. I just can't, I can't bear to like, take it down. Like, I look at the year and I sit there and just mourn.

• 6:22Rayna Greenberg?

  The best year ever. Well, you guys can get tickets to rainagreener.com and those Stand tickets at Stand NYC. I don't know, you guys just Google it. You'll figure it out. But yeah, I'm very excited to start the tour on May 1st with Ashley.

• 6:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's really happening.

• 6:35Rayna Greenberg?

  But it is Valentine's Day coming up. Ashley and I own a sexual wellness brand called Vibes Only. It is the most beautiful premium packaging and the most beautiful sexy orgasm.

• 6:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Giving toys.

• 6:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  The best products you could possibly have.

• 6:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 6:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  We have designed these with your bodies in mind and they are second to none in terms of quality and how soft they feel in your body and how ergonomic they feel in your hand and the vibrations and the sensations and all of the things. So they are just top of the line.

• 7:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. So this is a great gift to give to anybody or yourself. We have couples toys. We have cock rings. We have air pulse vibrators that just suck on your clit. It's the most insane, insane feeling. I have tons of them just sitting next to me. We have silicone hand clutches, which we have re-released as of today in two new colors.

• 7:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so Raina didn't really want to do the black.

• 7:25Rayna Greenberg?

  [laughing]

• 7:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'll say it. No, I just was like, I want to just try it. Like we, this is a thing that we've really been able to do a lot of colors in there. It's really fun. So we have this really brand new burgundy hue and then we have the black. I mean, I love them both. So it's really just choose your own adventure with those. And they are such a great way to just get into some light bondage, role play. They're one size fits most. There's no lock and key. And so they're just really fun to play around with and just grab out of the nightstand when you want to spice things up and pick your color.

• 7:55Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. And then finally, one of our bestsellers is our Lucy kit. So we have a Lucy Love kit for Valentine's Day. It is four vibrators in one. So you get a little bullet and you get three different sleeves. If you guys are watching on YouTube, you'll see it. But you can slip different sleeves onto it if you want different sensations. So if you want to experiment with nipple play or different rodion stones on your body, this is a really nice way to just try a bunch of sensations in one box. And this is one of our less expensive toys. So it's a great gift for like a girlfriend, maybe like a girly for Galentine's as well.

• 8:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it is really great. And the Lucy has been one of my longtime faves. And the Lucy Love Kit is probably my favorite because it does have this one sleeve that you can put on the bullet that is meant to stimulate your nipples. And then the heart shaped one is great. That feels so good on the clit. And then a one that looks like little lipstick that's just perfect to toss in your bag. It's great on the go.

• 8:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 8:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. So you guys check all that out at vibesonly.com.

• 8:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. Or if you're watching, I'll just have all these dildos piled up next to me.

• 8:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, your emotional support vibrators.

• 8:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, can I tell you something that I just experienced because I just did a software update on my phone? So you might have seen this for a while, or I don't know if this is, this is new to me within the last few weeks, that you can see when someone is typing in the group chat.

• 9:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, I've had that for a little while. I love it. It's a huge improvement in my life.

• 9:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Rayna, what do you love about it? I don't want to see that shit. I don't want to see, I feel like I will be typing and sometimes I'm typing something snarky to screenshot and send it to you and then I delete it.

• 9:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh.

• 9:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't want to know when people are typing in the group. This is too many people looking at me typing.

• 9:28Rayna Greenberg?

  That's where your mind went. Interesting.

• 9:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't do that all the time. I'm like, kind of making a joke that I'll do that sometimes.

• 9:34Rayna Greenberg?

  I do it all the time.

• 9:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I don't want all these people seeing me typing. Cause what if I don't send it? What if I start typing? I don't send it. Like, I feel like I know people are, I'm not that self-centered that I think people are sitting around watching me type, but something about people seeing me type in the group chat hits different than a solo text.

• 9:50Rayna Greenberg?

  And invade your privacy.

• 9:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  When it first happened, I was like, wait, I can see who's, I don't, I feel like I shouldn't be able to see that. Like when I'm on a group chat, there's five, 10 people, whatever it is, even three people. And I'm like, wait, I shouldn't know who's typing next.

• 10:04Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, I really enjoy it because I think sometimes like you and I have so many comedian friends and like everyone's just trying to like get their jokes in and like I, like yesterday, like I was on a group chat with you and Brittany and I could see that you were both typing and I was like, I can just, I can take it easy now. They're gonna tell their jokes and I can just, they got their stuff to say, I'm gonna let them cook.

• 10:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just think it's, what if someone's typing and then they never sent it? And then like so many people watch that happen. It's like, what did they, what were they saying?

• 10:31Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that they just changed their mind.

• 10:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  It happens all the time. Yes. You start typing something, you get distracted or you change your mind or you're like, oh, that wasn't worthy of sending. But I think watching people type in the group chat is an update that I feel a little victimized by.

• 10:45Rayna Greenberg?

  It gives you the ick?

• 10:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  It feels invasive.

• 10:49Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't think I've ever had a thought or feeling I didn't type and immediately hit send. I don't have that like inner voice that's like, maybe sit on this for a second. That's never happened unless I'm talking shit.

• 10:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I can't explain why it's different. I mean, obviously I've never had a problem with this one on one, but something about the group. I'm like, I don't think I'm supposed to be seeing that. I don't want a bunch of eyes on me.

• 11:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I agree, though, it is like a bit of a jump scare. You are like, that's none of my business.

• 11:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, who's typing is none of my business.

• 11:14Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, like what people write about me on the internet, it's none of my business. I'm not gonna look.

• 11:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  And maybe there's like part of me that likes the little thrill of who's gonna respond. I don't know, like when you get going in a group chat and like they're just popping up and you didn't know they were coming. Maybe that's like a surprise I like.

• 11:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes you just don't want to see how the sausage is made.

• 11:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know, like exactly, like when you're texting one on one, you're like, only one person could respond. But when you were in the group chat, who's to say? So it's like a fun little hit. And now I just have to know, I have to know, oh, you were, and also like you were typing way too long.

• 11:51Rayna Greenberg?

  That's embarrassing.

• 11:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Someone's typing for 10 minutes and they send something they think is funny. You're like, oh, it took you that long? We saw you type in.

• 11:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 11:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  We saw you workshopping in real time. That's embarrassing.

• 12:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, you thought you ate down with that.

• 12:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  To be workshopping. Watching you work.

• 12:07Rayna Greenberg?

  It is a jump scare. I don't know, they just like give you stuff, they take stuff away. I used to have that AI preview for our text messages.

• 12:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, mine are back on that.

• 12:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Are they back?

• 12:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  They're back with the software update.

• 12:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't have that.

• 12:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know.

• 12:17Rayna Greenberg?

  It never came back.

• 12:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Who knows what they're doing?

• 12:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Ever, I never know what anybody's doing.

• 12:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, well, let's sort of get into it. Let's talk about a cultural moment that inspired the episode topic today, which was, I guess George Clooney says him and Amal don't fight. And then he was on Travis Kelce and Jason Kelsey's podcast, New Heights. And Travis Kelce also said that him and Taylor Swift have never had a fight. So I went back and watched the clip of that they cited for George Clooney and he was with Gayle King. And he said they've never had an argument like, and we'll get into kind of like argument versus disagreement versus fight. How people define them is differently, but to say you've never had an argument? And then it says, he at least offered a sort of reasonable explanation for his marriage.

• 13:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I think this was on New Heights, but he says, neither of us are going to win the argument. So why get in it? Dude, I'm 64 years old and what am I going to argue about at this point? I've met this incredible woman that is beautiful and smart and she stands for all the most important things that I believe in in the world and I can't believe how lucky I am. So what am I going to fight about? And that feels a little reductive. Like, I'm also with someone that's, I think, is the most handsome man in the world and we have all the same values. And so, so do a lot of people feel that way about their partner, but that doesn't mean you don't, like, to me, and I get it, it might, that's how he feels. I'm not even criticizing it, but that's not the reason you, you don't ever get in an argument is because she's beautiful and you have the same values.

• 13:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. I mean, I've heard people say, what's there to fight about? You know, and we've been together for so long. Well, who cares? I don't know. I think it's, to your point, everybody defines argument and fighting differently. Do you never bicker? You never disagree? Like, that would be odd to me, but a lot of people think their partner hung the moon. They still have disagreements. And I think a lot of people are like, life's too short to argue and we have the same values. We like all the same stuff. I don't know. Sometimes I'm just tired at the end of the day and just bicker a little bit.

• 14:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And so then Travis Kelce said him and Taylor Swift have also never had an argument.

• 14:16Rayna Greenberg?

  They're just too rich. What problems could they possibly have?

• 14:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  So, I don't know. Couples who say they never fight, or they've never had an argument, I have so many more questions. Like, first of all, how do you define fight? Because if you are like, we've never yelled and screamed at each other, then same. Shashank and I have never yelled and, I mean, raised your voice, yes, but we have not screamed and we have not insulted each other, which I, just the thought of it makes me so sad to think that we would ever say something to intentionally hurt each other. And I've all been in relationships before where you were saying something to hurt one another and you're insulting one another and we have not done that. And so I guess I can say, if you picture a fight and like a fight and there's screaming

• 15:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  and yelling and throwing stuff and slamming doors, we have. Haven't had that, but to say you've never had an argument or a disagreement, why? Are you just like, I don't know, we agree on most things and that's great. We said this before, it's nice that you're aligned with your partner. We compromise, we're not combative, all of that, but like, is there resentment? Is there stuff that bothers you about them that you're just not saying? Like, are these two extremely passive people? I have so many questions.

• 15:26Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I look at like what people fight about and we'll talk about in the episode because we polled you guys, we asked so many questions about what do you fight about? Who starts the fight? Who ends the fight? What does the resolution look like? What do you fight about? And we had more than 10,000 people submit answers. So, thank you guys so much. And we will go back to this, but when it, the list of like, what do people fight about? It was, the number one thing was communication, but chores, cleanliness, division of labor, all kind of wrapped up in one, kids, money, in-laws. So, if you hold those things, you could say about Travis Kelce and also George Clooney, you guys probably aren't fighting about division of labor. You have tons of people that you've paid to help with that. You guys aren't probably doing the dishes. Kids, again, I don't know, you probably have a lot of help and a lot of staff. Money, you have all the money in the world.

• 16:10Rayna Greenberg?

  In-laws, I mean, both Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, I don't know about George Clooney, they seem to have really super tight relationships with their families. So, communication is the number one by far, far and above the thing that people argue about the most. And I think it is about finding somebody who doesn't invalidate you and make you feel like you're being quote unquote crazy or ridiculous or being oversensitive. And it sounds like those people found a counterpart that does not make them feel like that.

• 16:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 16:34Rayna Greenberg?

  And if that's the case, then I do think you probably don't fight that much.

• 16:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I don't, I don't fight. We do not have a lot of conflict, my, my husband and I. I don't want to sit up here on this high horse and brag, but I want to use myself as an example, as someone who was in an extremely volatile, combative relationship and someone who, we really do not fight. I can, one hand, I can name something that I would even dare to call a fight. And I really use, don't like the word because I, again, I don't picture the volatility and the screaming and yelling and the insults, whatever. But like, conflict, literally one hand, I can like, tell you all of them. And so, we communicate really well and there's people that communicate better than us. So, if you are, like, you have found your person that you have so much love and respect for, maybe you met them a little later in life and you both communicate really well. I can see a world, like, people who say they don't fight with their partner,

• 17:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  I am not invalidating that and jumping down their throat and telling them they're lying. I'm just not, but I have more questions.

• 17:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I guess I need to know what kind of, what do you qualify as a fight? I mean, you guys, you disagree on stuff sometimes. You calmly and kindly figure it out, but like you've not never had a disagreement. And I had, I mean, I had a relationship with somebody for four years where I'd say we never fought. And when he left me, the first thing he said to me was, I let you win every single argument. I never pushed back against you. I thought, look at me, I'm always right. I'm fucking crushing it. We never fight, we never have conflict. And we were so much younger and it's very partner specific. I didn't think we had a lot of volatility. We didn't yell and scream. At the end of the relationship, he was like, I feel like I have to let you win every single argument. I don't, like, I made more money than him. I was a little bit older than him. I had more experience. Like, I do see that dynamic.

• 18:14Rayna Greenberg?

  And so it scares me when people say we never have, we never fight at all. Cause it's triggering for me because I'm like, oh yeah, I never fought either.

• 18:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And if those couples break up and one person feels blindsided because the other person never expressed any sort of dissatisfaction or annoyance or grievance at all. I mean, Shashank is really so easygoing and so agreeable and patient and just easy to get along with. I mean, I attribute him a lot with our lack of a conflict. Not that I'm so difficult, but you know, I have like a strong personality and I'm certainly not going to be for everybody, but he is admittedly just less confrontational. Like he puts me in my place. I mean, he doesn't let me get away with everything, but I think he's just, I was talking to him last night about his previous partners and he's just more inclined to kind of let stuff go.

• 19:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  And, but I'm like, but if you can't, it builds up. And the few conflicts we've had, it was like something that kind of built up that he didn't vocalize in the moment. And so it is a fear of mine always, like to your point, that I would be with somebody, friend even, and something's going on and they're not telling me and they're keeping score. And of course it's not what I think he does. It's not what I think you do or any really buddy that's close to my life. But it is such a fear that someone won't say something and then it will all come rushing out in some conflict or they will, like you said, break up with you and be like all these things, all these years. And it's just like, oh, how have you not, then you just, you also feel lied to.

• 19:46Rayna Greenberg?

  It was tremendously destabilizing for me, for somebody to be like, you thought you were right all these times and I just let you be right. And to me, that's number one, it's partner specific, it's age specific. I mean, I was 28, he was 25. I mean, he was so young. Like, I don't think back then, I mean, this is so many years ago, like, we didn't have an avalanche of TikTokers with self-help and a ring light being like, you know, five signs you're being gaslit. Like, I didn't know those words. And I think there's a net positive to that stuff, but like, there wasn't so much information on the internet that was just like, this is what's happening, this is how to handle conflict. If you said to me today, like, if I really ran the tape and I was like, okay, I do seem to win every

• 20:27Rayna Greenberg?

  argument, and he never pushes back, and he never has an opinion, I really would pause for a moment and be like, does he feel hurt in this relationship? Like, I'm not a detective, we're not mind readers. So if somebody tells you, we have come to a healthy resolution here, you have to assume that that's the truth. But I just, I was so much younger, so was he. Like, to his own admission, he allowed me to believe that everything was fine.

• 20:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and there are other symptoms, too. I mean, I know you stopped having sex as much, like, which, again, that can change over time. Lack of sex is not always because there's a deep-rooted issue, but like, little things, I think, like, that's the few times we've had these conflicts, like, our dynamic has shifted in the home. We're not talking to each other the same way, we're not being as cutesy, something is off. And I typically am the one that needs to dig into it, and I can't be off with anybody without saying something.

• 21:21Rayna Greenberg?

  You really can't.

• 21:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's not even, you can't get, fuck this. And I have had to learn that he needs a little bit of time to process what he's feeling and vocalize it to me. And I think a big thing with him is having to realize he's not you, and he's not one of my girlfriends. And the way that we might communicate is not woman to woman, like, he's just a different person completely, and we really communicate so well. But the two, the couple times when I felt like we can't get there, I have to remind myself that he needs some time to digest what I've said and come back to me. And I just don't experience that with my girlfriends.

• 21:58Rayna Greenberg?

  He's not me. Like, you're not as close with him as you are.

• 22:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  But literally, when we've had these conflicts and we're talking things out, I have been like, but like, my head is going like, but my closest people to me, which are women, would be different. And I have to remind myself that I'm not dealing with them. And I will sometimes say all the things, I'm doing a fucking monologue, I'm explaining something, why I feel a certain way, or what this made me feel, or where I'm feeling a disconnect, or da, da, da, and I'm going on and on. And then he just, he just like listens and I'm like,

• 22:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  hello? What, what are you gonna say back? And I think he has to digest it, take it, have some time with it, go for a drive, and like, come back to me. And that's something I've had to learn.

• 22:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think everybody processes things differently. And also, like, I think back to that relationship, and when he left me, it wasn't a moment where I went like, oh my God, I think everything was so perfect. It was a watershed moment for me, where I was like, oh my God, we weren't having sex. We did have a lot of issues. I was deeply unhappy here. Yes, like, I think some people are like, we never fight. And if you really ran the tape, you could still say to yourself, well, we don't really have a lot of conflict. We don't have a lot of problems. I don't, I don't feel deeply in my soul that something is wrong here. If I was honest with myself, I felt deeply in my soul that something was wrong.

• 23:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 23:17Rayna Greenberg?

  That this was not my longtime partner, that getting engaged was a mistake, that I had all kinds of concerns about. He's a wonderful person, and he still is to this day. He's a kind person. But we had all kinds of issues in terms of money, and how we saw our lives, and where they were gonna go, and how we wanted to live. And I had a lot of problems in that relationship. I just wasn't willing to see them, because I was just like, oh, I'm right, everything, I'm right. And I did, I fought dirty too. Like, I think that you grow up and you change. Like, I, we would get in some kind of disagreement, and I just wouldn't answer his calls for like 12 hours. I would like go to friends, I would make sure he like didn't know where I was. It was super manipulative. Like, that's so unfair, and that's not something I would ever do to somebody.

• 23:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  I, I know. I mean, I really think back to...

• 23:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Relationships, I mean, you know, one in particular, and I guess others too, that we're fighting dirty, like you said, and just you're doing stuff to sometimes really hurt the person on a deep level, or just confuse them, or again, like make them wonder where you are. Like, these aren't like fun games. Like, you really gotta check yourself. I'm like, is this what I want in a relationship? Like, I know some people operate differently in their relationship, and that toxicity, they need it. And I would suggest working on that in therapy, but I mean, if that's what works for you, and you consider yourself happy, and you really like the thrill of that, that's fine, but it could never be me. I'd like to feel more safe and secure. And, you know,

• 24:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  I think if you fight all the time, if everything is a fight, you're always walking on eggshells, you're always triggered, they're always triggered, and you've worked on this, and you've tried, and it doesn't change, that's not the person for you. Like, it doesn't have to be like that. Like, I think there's seasons in relationships where things can feel tense, and big changes, like having a kid, for an example, or someone's out of work, they've lost their job, or you're dealing with family drama or trauma. You can have a season where there's more conflict and tension, but if it's like that all the time, it's not healthy for you, literally. Like, your mental health, but also your physical health. Like, I remember just always feeling that stress in my body. Like, when your cortisol levels are up, like, your stress hormones are up,

• 25:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  and you were dealing with chronic stress. And I was looking this up, because I just wanted a little bit of proof to back me up. I mean, it obviously impacts your mental health and your emotional health, but also your physical health. You can gain weight, you're fatigued, do you sleep less, you have mood swings, anxiety, irritability, memory, concentration problems, high blood sugar, high blood pressure, weakened immunity overall, which can make you prone to illness. Like, it literally makes you sick.

• 25:47Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. If things are bad at home, things are bad everywhere for me. Also, it's pervasive, I can't focus.

• 25:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, when it's all the time, it's a chronic. And you know, if you were chronically fighting with your partner in your relationship, you know that you are fighting more than you're not fighting.

• 26:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Everybody around you knows.

• 26:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  And everybody around you knows too. So, we will get into some of these stats, and go over all this stuff. We're just gonna take a quick break.

• 26:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, I want to tell you guys about Shopify. I mean Shopify is the platform that Ashley and I literally have used to run the Girls Got to Eat merch platform and all of Vibes Only for many, many years and we could not do either without this. And with Shopify, you can easily set up an online store and start selling your products literally in no time. So Shopify is the best place to start and grow a business like ours. It is the one commerce platform behind big brands that you know and love. So if it is a side hustle, if you want a full blown storefront, Shopify takes really the guesswork out of all of your business scaling. They have unbelievable reporting. So Ashley and I have access to every single order, every single product in our entire catalog on our phones and our computer. It's so easy to use. We have tons of users in our company that are in and out. So everybody can log in. There's tons of AI tools that can help

• 26:56Rayna Greenberg?

  you with directions, reporting, editing images, content ideas. You can build a whole website, a beautiful professional looking website on there. There's tons of plugins in terms of payments. I mean, Ashley and I could not run this business without Shopify and many, many people could not either. It has made it possible to scale and to keep tabs on everything, no matter where we are. I mean, it's really our one step shop for both of our businesses. So if you are ready to build your own empire, whether it's merch, products, or the next best idea, get on Shopify.com/GGE and make it happen today.

• 27:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  And that app, ching, ching, every time you go to sale.

• 27:28Rayna Greenberg?

  I love that noise.

• 27:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's such a rush. Yes, the app is great, too. Okay, and I am telling you guys about Just Thrive. Okay, so this past weekend, I just like ate poorly. I really, it was really out of character for me, just like a lot of like fried foods, beers, processed food. Like it just, I felt so bad and because my gut was off. And when your gut is off, everything feels off. Your digestion, your energy, your mood. Like I woke up this morning, I was just like in a bad mood, you know, and like it's because it's in my body. So every day, your gut is fighting a silent war. We're talking about fighting today, but your gut is fighting for its life all the time against processed foods, stress, and even toxins in the air. And when your gut struggles, like I said, your whole body feels it. So we love Just Thrive and we trust them. Most probiotics never make it to your gut alive and that is why they don't work. But Just Thrive

• 28:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  is clinically proven to arrive 100% alive and deliver measurable results. And it does something no other probiotic can. It turns your gut into an antioxidant factor. Creating protective compounds exactly where you need them most. For you, that means better digestion, healthy immunity, much more energy and easy weight management. Just Thrive Probiotic comes in capsules or berry flavored gummies. They are delicious. So there's an option for everyone in the family. We love the gummy. It's like a little treat that's good for you. For over a decade, Just Thrive has been helping thousands of people take control of their health with science-backed solutions you can trust. From their award-winning probiotic to their full line of gut immune and brain health supplements, Just Thrive is ready to help you live your healthiest life. So we love that. This isn't just like some new business that wanted to jump in on the health movement. They've been around for over a decade and really helping a lot of people.

• 28:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  So our challenge is to try Just Thrive Probiotic for 90 days risk-free. Visit justthrivehealth.com and save 20% with promo code GGE. See the difference for yourself or get a full product refund, no questions asked. Take the 90-day Just Thrive Probiotic Challenge today at justthrivehealth.com/GGE and be the best you with Just Thrive.

• 29:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, and Quince, literally there is almost not a day that goes by that something in my body is not from Quince. If you are thinking about a wardrobe refresh, Quince is where you want to go. They've got you covered for luxe essentials. They feel really effortless. They look polished. And I literally cannot believe the price on any of these things. So I was going through my sweaters. I was looking at all the cashmere sweaters. They have Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Ashley and I have the cardigans, the turtlenecks. I mean, they've held up for years in my closet.

• 29:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  The best.

• 29:46Rayna Greenberg?

  The jeans, I posted these jeans and this bag. So the Women's Bella Stretch Relax Straight Jeans. They also have a patch pocket one. The length on them is great, especially for short girlies. They're $50. I cannot believe the quality of these. And then I just bought this bag. It's the Women's Italian Suede Slouchy Bag. Comes in a ton of colors as well. I don't know what they're doing over there, but the pricing is unbelievable for what you get. I get so many compliments on all the stuff I wear from Quince and they have everything you could ever possibly need. They have bedding, they have luggage, they have all the things. And everything with Quince, their pieces are made of premium materials in ethical trusted factories and then priced far below what other luxury brands charge. I'm just, I'm thrilled. I really am thrilled.

• 30:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  They're not marking that shit up, you know? They're just passing the savings on to you. We love to see it.

• 30:32Rayna Greenberg?

  Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Don't wait. Go to quince.com/gge for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. That's Q U I N C E dot com slash G G E to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash G G E.

• 30:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so we have a bunch of stats and research to dump on you guys, but I do just want to direct people to a few other episodes because we've been talking about fighting the whole entirety of this podcast. So we did a few episodes if you guys want to look back because today we're going to talk about kind of what's normal. But if you're like, but I need more conflict management, resolution and all kinds of stuff. So we have, we have a lot of great episodes. We did an episode with Dr. Orna Goralnik from Couples Therapy in April of 2023, how to manage and make sense of fighting in your relationship. That was a really great one. Reina did three solos, Fight Smarter, Not Harder in April 2020. Should I Be Mad About This was November 2022?

• 31:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then I love this one, Reina, do you remember Just Say The Thing from January 2022?

• 31:33Rayna Greenberg?

  You said, Reina did three solos. I was like, I did?

• 31:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Wait, oh, did I say Reina? I thought I said, we did three solos. Did I? Guys, let's just rain on our own. So take a listen, Reina's solo podcast. Just Say The Thing was really great about like speaking up and voicing your concerns. And then we did how to complain to your partner and your friends the right way with Guy Winch in September 2022. So we can maybe make a little story with these and listen for you guys, but just there's a lot out there with a wealth of information on how to fight smarter, not harder in your relationship.

• 32:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Everybody fights.

• 32:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 32:06Rayna Greenberg?

  Except for not you guys and not in my last relationship.

• 32:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  But we do have conflict. But yeah, I again, like I have been a different person in my twenties in relationships and my thirties and my forties. And my twenties were just reactive and expectations were all out of whack and just kind of being immature and not having the language and the resources, especially that we do now and just. Being young, in my 30s, I was in a toxic relationship and that was the first time I had a really like in love, passionate, like this is who I'm gonna end up with type thing that turned out to be really toxic and it was nonstop fighting and you wonder, am I always gonna be this person? And you're not. And I have grown up a lot, but I also found somebody

• 32:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  that is obviously a way better match for me and we have a really healthy relationship. And overall, your partner should enhance your life and not make it worse. And not every single day, like we're all human, but if you look at the big picture and your life together and the part that they play in your mental, physical and emotional wellbeing, is it a net positive?

• 33:17Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I tell you all the time. I mean, he is literally, I credit you, but like he has really changed you. You are, I'm not gonna say you're a patient person. You have attained a level of patience.

• 33:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  He is impatient all the time.

• 33:27Rayna Greenberg?

  It's crazy. Maybe you're patient with him, but I see the way you react to him and I've said this always, because one time you were telling me about sort of like a disagreement you were having and you were so calm about it. And I said, isn't this so nice? Like, you're dealing with somebody that you know is your teammate and is on your side and is not trying to attack you or do something to hurt you. I think you trust that you're with somebody who would never do anything to make you feel badly on purpose. And there's a lot to be said about how you counteract that, you know? Because I think in the relationship that was so toxic for you, you felt like you were being attacked by this person. That wasn't your teammate. He wasn't on your side. He was trying to hurt you.

• 34:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know. It's like you've got to ask yourself, like, do you feel like your partner's out to get you? Like, when something happens that upsets you, do you think the worst? Like, I think the best. We love and respect each other so much. I mean, that's my, that's my husband. You know, like, we really would never think the worst. And additionally, even when we've had conflict, early days before we were even engaged or married, you know, before we were locked in, like, I knew that it didn't mean the end of the relationship. I could rest easy, like, very rarely, but when we have had a problem and we have gone to bed when we were long distance or even now. Still in the conflict. I could still sleep. I mean, it wasn't the best sleep of my life,

• 34:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  but I wasn't up all night just reeling and like, what is this? Are we over? You know? And I just feel at ease and secure in our relationship that this doesn't mean it's the end because we have a conflict.

• 34:59Rayna Greenberg?

  I think it's, you know, about finding their partner. I think you just, we talked about this earlier. We don't, we don't want the whole opposite to be like, sometimes you just get older and you get better. But like, when I was younger, I just let it fucking rip.

• 35:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know, yeah.

• 35:09Rayna Greenberg?

  And it does feel good sometimes. Like, all the nice, like, approach it with kindness and use I statements. I know all the things you're supposed to do. Sometimes it really felt good to just go fucking crazy.

• 35:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Nuclear.

• 35:20Rayna Greenberg?

  And I don't know, I think about how I want to spend my days now and actually, like, what would I like the outcome to be? Or I'd like the outcome to be that we're fine, that we're together, that we respect each other, that I haven't hurled a bunch of insults at somebody. Like, I just think when I was younger, I just had shittier partners and I didn't care if I hurled a bunch of insults at them. It was funny. I didn't, I didn't give a shit.

• 35:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 35:40Rayna Greenberg?

  And I was just more toxic.

• 35:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And just being more reactive in general. I mean, I just used to feel like the second I was triggered by someone, anyone, I have to respond in that moment. Like, I don't know what that is, that like sense of urgency. And again, I think I had a partner that brought that out in me. But that's my biggest tip. And I see the growth even today. Like, if something happens with Shashank and I get that feeling of like, ah, that bothered me, I like, sit with it for a minute.

• 36:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, how'd you teach yourself how to do that?

• 36:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Take a, I mean, just with self-talk. I mean, and also, he's not, he's not doing the things that my exes have done. But it's the self-talk. And like, I feel the growth from within. Like, the take a pause, take a beat. A, did he, not him, but anyone, did he mean it like that? Or have you interpreted something via text or via a tone? Like, what actually happened here? Take some time and space away from it. Ask yourself if this is a pattern, or this is a deeper issue of whatever it is that pissed yourself off. And ask yourself, why talk to somebody? Talk to your friends? Talk to your therapist? Talk to Chad GPT? Like, you have to de-escalate before you pop off. Like, with any relationship, that's what I've learned.

• 36:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I mean, I think when you think like, what do I like the end result to be working and I work backwards from it.

• 36:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 36:55Rayna Greenberg?

  No one, I mean, listen, again, I can't stress this enough. I was a toxic mess in my twenties. But I just, and I was comfortable living like that, too. I think I was just like, this is just how it be. But I don't want to be like that now.

• 37:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I think of those times, like being out with friends and be like head down, just text fighting. Like I, when I watch people text fighting with their partner, like I want to cry. I want to cry because it was me and I ruined a New Year's Eve party, you know, like I ruined events, friends, events, birthdays, whatever, because I was in the corner fucking text fighting. And he's part of that, too. He wouldn't let me stop, you know, like I would think like, Ashley, put it down, put your phone away, enjoy the time with your friends. And he would keep coming at me, you know, but.

• 37:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, that your previous partner.

• 37:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  My ex. So it's like hard, you want to defend yourself and you want to, oh, my God, I can't believe it, you know, and you're being super triggered. But like, I see people doing that. And I'm like, oh, so why are you doing this over text? With your partner, you know, like if you feel something's starting to get inflamed, it's like, whoa, let's, let's do this when we get home, or let's do this when we see each other next door. Let's at least do this on the phone.

• 37:59Rayna Greenberg?

  But you know me, I won't get a text with anybody. I'm picking up the phone.

• 38:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Will not do it. But that's a sign of maturity and growth because we've all been there, locked in a corner, fucking text fighting with somebody, whether it be a friend or a partner. And so you just don't do it. Just refuse to do it. I would.

• 38:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I just don't think anything is going to get resolved that way. Sometimes you want to say something like really mean via, I don't know. I mean, I'd rather voice note it to somebody, like anything will be misinterpreted in text. Like nothing good's going to come about it.

• 38:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 38:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Come from it. Nothing good's going to come about it.

• 38:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I mean, if you have to say a thing and they're at work, like, don't try to fire someone up at work. You know, like I used to do that shit, too.

• 38:40Rayna Greenberg?

  I used to do that shit. It was really mean.

• 38:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's just like, say, like, I'm upset because of this. Use your I statements and be like, we'll talk about it later. Like, just, you know, if you're firing someone up.

• 38:51Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm doing it on purpose. And I don't, I used to just be really.

• 38:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Exactly.

• 38:55Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I really would like leave the apartment for hours, sometimes like the whole night. I would like stay at Malini's or like run. I just, it was mean. So we said, we are gonna like tell you guys a lot of these poll results and we just can't thank you enough for what you offer to us. I mean, to say that 10,000 people, sometimes 20,000 people submit to these polls. I mean, nobody has access to information like that. So thank you for sharing your lives. And this is embarrassing and uncomfortable. And it's a, it's a tough topic to be like, I initiate a lot of fights. I start fights, you know? And so I don't think mean you should be embarrassed. I just mean, people find it embarrassing.

• 39:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  People have shame around all those kinds of things that we ask you guys about. And we appreciate you sharing always. But I will say, I mean, even if you try to Google search, how often do couples fight? You try to ask AI. I mean, it's hard to study this stuff. You know, like, this survey is as good as any. And it's 10,000 people. And if you guys are listening to this, it's 10,000 people that are similar to you in some way, because you're all here answering this or listening to this podcast. So it's just like, we love doing this because it really gives clarity around what's quote unquote, normal. And we did the episode, how often do people really have sex? And I think that was so eye opening and validating. So this is kind of what we wanted to achieve here as well.

• 40:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. So I guess we can just start with, I mean, we asked just straight up, how often do you fight with your partner? So 52% of people said rarely, which doesn't mean never. I mean, once or twice a month was 37%. So a lot of people are fighting a couple of times a month. And again, can't stress this enough, fighting means something different to everybody. So we did not, we never asked what constitutes a fight.

• 40:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, we, the next one, we kind of talked about it. But I just want to say rarely means less than once a month. So that's pretty good. You know, like, half of the people that answered this are really not having conflict monthly. But it's okay if you are. Like Raina said, once or twice a month, 37%. Once or twice a week, 10%. And 2% constantly.

• 40:50Rayna Greenberg?

  It's interesting, because people are only reporting on their own behavior, right? I thought it was interesting. We'll talk about like, who starts the fight versus who resolves the fight. Everybody thinks they did not start it. And everybody thinks they also resolved it. Everybody's like, I'm not the problem, it's them. It's interesting doing one side of this.

• 41:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And like, what you think about yourself. We're not saying anyone's wrong here. I'm just, it is interesting to see this.

• 41:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, so how often you fight? 2% say, only 2% say constantly. I think it would be so interesting

• 41:17Rayna Greenberg?

  to see this 10 years ago, or even 15 years ago. Like, I just, I think about it every day. I'm so fascinated by what like TikTok and self-help and AI and all this has done for people's ability to like self-soothe, understand a behavior ahead of time. Like, I really shit on the amount of like information that's out there. Everybody has like a PhD in feelings. We all think that we're so smart. But like, I do think people are realizing red flags sooner. I think that they're realizing this is not healthy sooner. I think people are getting out of relationships sooner. Like, I am obviously older than a lot of our listeners, I'm 40, but like, or the same age as you, but the constantly feels like I used to know people like that more in my twenties. I don't see that that much anymore. And I wonder how much people just have evolved in general because of how much information is out there. And I like to see it. 2% constantly?

• 42:02Rayna Greenberg?

  That's amazing.

• 42:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, also, having a boyfriend's embarrassing. So I think every year that we progress, you, people feel like, women feel like they don't need a partner as much as they did in the olden days. You know, like, we are just getting more progressive in terms of women's independence and all of the things. Well, hopefully, you know, I think we are definitely going back in time, and we will be Handmaid's Tale in the next 60 to 90 days. But, you know, I think in general, it's just like-

• 42:30Rayna Greenberg?

  At the time of this episode, we still have rights, but, and we can speak freely. But I think in general, like, women are settling for less toxicity and just, they don't need a partner. So I think they're just like, I don't want to be in that. And so it was really encouraging to see the 2% as constantly. I think that's a great point. I never really thought about it. People just stayed in relationships that were really bad because what else were you gonna do?

• 42:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and now you get shamed for it. Like, I think it used to be like, you're gonna be in the relationship because it's better than being alone. And now I think you're like, it's an ick. You know, those toxic couples, like, it's not cute. And you don't want to be the person in the corner, fight, text fighting. Like, it's, it's become embarrassing to be in that type of relationship, which you love to see it.

• 43:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I, I think people think that they're better than that, and they are.

• 43:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 43:19Rayna Greenberg?

  There is just an air of like, I'm, this is beneath me. And to go along with that, we asked, when, when you fight, it is usually, and the response were small disagreement. Small disagreement, 70%.

• 43:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 43:30Rayna Greenberg?

  So I, to your point also, like, I think that there aren't these like World War III fights, because that was 1% of people. Full-blown argument, 12%, passive-aggressive vibes, 18%. So 70% small disagreement.

• 43:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 43:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Which is great to see.

• 43:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  To 1% World War III. I mean, I gotta dive into. Because and that's, by the way, hundreds of people, by the way, like, it's not, it's 1%, it's 2%, but it's hundreds of people.

• 43:54Rayna Greenberg?

  1% of 10,000 people.

• 43:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  That are doing this. It's, that's normal, I want to normalize it too. Like, if you feel like you are in that toxic relationship, you are not alone. You gotta get out of it, but you're not alone.

• 44:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, right.

• 44:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Don't beat yourself up, but.

• 44:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, sometimes I'm happy for those people because they entertain me.

• 44:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Please do it publicly, obviously. Not that I love more than watching couples fight in public.

• 44:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, so for small disagreements, I think that, like, these small issues can feel really charged a lot for people, I think, because, like, you have these, like, service fights and a lot of things are, like, under it. And so, yeah, small disagreements, I think, like, sort of escalate and they aren't really about that topic. And so, I understand, it makes sense that most fights are kind of about that. I want to, like, validate, that's probably, like, what most people are dealing with. Small disagreement is, like, you left the dishes in the sink, but the main issue is, like, you don't help me with the housework.

• 44:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's so true. I mean, like, a dumb little thing can still lead to someone feeling dismissed or disrespected or hurt. But, like, when you actually run the tape, you're like, oh, my fucking god, like, I can't believe that shit led to, like you said, it's the dishes or it's a thing, it's, it was something small that just was snowballed.

• 44:59Rayna Greenberg?

  The worst, most nuclear fight I think I've ever had, I mean, definitely a top three, was the guy that I was dating showed me this video and it was about how men, it was like a dagger of men's brains and they could only think about one thing at a time. And I said something like, men are so stupid. Like, it was just like, it was funny, that was the point of the video, is that, like, men can have 500 different things going on, but they'll only, like, respond to one question you ask. But women's brains, it's like, a thousand things going around all at once. And I just said, like, men are so stupid. And it escalated into this, like, is this what you think of men? Is this what you think of me? You just think, and I was like, oh, this is a little deeper for you. Like, yeah, this is what you think I think of you. I've said things to indicate this is what I think of you, I guess. Like, you're really triggered by my responses, you're taking this real personal.

• 45:44Rayna Greenberg?

  But all, I was in the whole, the whole point of the video is that men are.

• 45:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and like, he was kind of stupid. Well, he took it personal because he knew there was some truth in it.

• 45:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  It is funny. Like I think I've talked about this on the podcast. Like that day, I think I went up and I was wanting to work out like in a hotel and like these like sweaty men were on the Pelotons and I was like so pissed and they just like ruined my morning and I was telling Shashank, I was like, I just like men ruin everything. Like they just so gross. These men are up there just like sweating and they're like ruined my morning.

• 46:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Ruin everything. Don't they? Men ruin everything. I'm saying this to my husband. He was like, Ashley, I just like wrong audience. Like he kind of clapped back. He was like, yeah, all right. You're annoyed because they were on the Pelotons. Like go talk to Reina. I was like, I will.

• 46:30Rayna Greenberg?

  And I will go talk to Reina and she will validate that men ruin everything. I also thought you were just annoyed about the Pelotons, but I also validate that men ruin everything.

• 46:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Thank you.

• 46:40Rayna Greenberg?

  I knew you were just annoyed you couldn't get on the Peloton, but I was like, you have picked a villain in your story and I think it's the correct villain.

• 46:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, two sweaty men.

• 46:47Rayna Greenberg?

  It's not circumstances that other people are at this hotel. It's men.

• 46:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, stop sweating in public.

• 46:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Who gave you the right to be in here?

• 46:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Who gave you the right? Okay, then we asked, do your fights usually escalate? Forty seven percent said, no, we stay calm. Okay. Forty eight percent though said sometimes. So more than the majority is sometimes, which I think is the norm.

• 47:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think that, you know, it depends on when you get me, at what point of the day, what's been going on. If there's a million triggers, are you stressed, timing, tone, emotional buildup? Am I already mad at you about other shit? Is money an issue? Do we have kids?

• 47:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Damn, all right.

• 47:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Reading up this outline.

• 47:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then one percent said almost always and then one percent said every single time. So those are similar. So, you know, again, like not negligible, but the majority is staying calm versus like sometimes they escalate because they do.

• 47:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think that's, listen, as long as there's, it doesn't escalate into like harmful behavior. I think it's fine. It's normal. It can happen. Sometimes you're not trying to deal with that shit at the end of the day.

• 47:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And this is not a hot take, but relationships are an experiment. They are a learning experience of realizing how someone is in all these different situations. I mean, you can really go a long time with somebody that has healthy communication skills and they're secure and so are you and you disagree on most things and you have similar interests. Like you can go a Really long time before a conflict arises. Months, a year, like forever. I don't know. It's just, but when they do, you will learn quick how they are in conflict and it may not be what you expected. And like I said, I mean, I think we as women are better at processing our emotions and being able to name them and pinpoint them

• 48:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  and talk them out. I think we're quicker to want to talk them out and resolve things. And I think we, a tale as old as time, is a woman that's like, I want to fix this. I'm ready to fucking fix it. I'm gonna be vulnerable. I'm gonna be communicative. I'm gonna be honest. Like, I want to fucking fix this. And the guy cannot, can't. And he has to go on a drive, or he has to go in the garage. Or, you know, think of my dad. He had to go in the garage. And like, Shajang's gotta go drive up in the fucking hills and think about stuff. I mean, it's just like, men do need to retreat. I mean, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. I read that like so long ago. And I do really think that there's some misogynistic vibes to it. But that was one of the things I feel like I really learned in my early twenties was about men needing to retreat and go into their cave and

• 49:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  think about stuff. And not all of them. But I do think this is the thing that can escalate the fight, is let's just say it's the female partner, if you're in a heterosexual relationship, being like, I want to fix this. Like, I don't want to walk around this house in tension anymore. And he's like, no, no.

• 49:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I just, okay, so to your point, I want to read a stat and then I want to talk about it. So we asked, how long do you stay mad after a fight? So the initial argument before the resolution. So just for minutes, 40% of people, I don't know who was staying mad just for minutes. A few hours is 44%. One to two days, 11%. And until further notice, 5%. So everybody stays mad for different periods of time. And I think there's a real difference between processing something and holding on to resentment. I mean, I do need a little bit of time and space usually. Like, I need to say to myself, like, you're not going to feel like this in an hour. You are not going to feel so angry. Like, I have been more the person that needs to go for the drive, needs to go for the walk. I need you to not press me on this right this second, because like, you will get a bad version of me right now, as opposed to if you let me go have an hour or two. And I use

• 50:12Rayna Greenberg?

  that to probably hurt people in the past. When I was saying my early twenties, I would just disappear all day. But like, I think it's okay to have like a cooling off time period and still like let your partner know like I we will discuss this.

• 50:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 50:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Need a little time. Cause I do, I just, I know that I'm gonna react poorly if we have the conversation right this second.

• 50:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Again, take some time and space and figure out how you actually feel when you're not heated and you can't feel that anger in your, in your body or in your brain. But the one time where I do feel like we had a conflict that lasted a few days, it's only happened once, but like I feel like Shoshawn couldn't completely get there and articulate to me like the thing that kinda started the whole, whatever. It's like, I'm not gonna get into it and I apologize if you want more, but I'm protecting my relationship and like, you know, what I'm sharing.

• 50:57Rayna Greenberg?

  You've done enough.

• 50:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  And again, it wasn't anything huge, but it was just like, I told him like, thank God you finally were able to figure this out and what I did that upset you in the first place and how we got here. But we have lost a couple of days, like of being quieter around the house and going to bed and not a great place and not being ourselves with each other. And like, I just don't wanna do that. And like, I'm not, I don't wanna pressure you if you need some time, if we have a conflict down the road. But like, if I have a note, it is like, I'd like to work through things. I don't want days to go by like this. Like, we love each other. Like, nothing terrible happened. Like, and I think he was like, I will work on. I don't want that either, you know?

• 51:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I get it. It's frustrating. And this is what my mom deals with my, with my dad. And I really feel for her. And my dad needs days. And he can't figure it out. You know, he, it takes a long time for him to come back around and A, say what he's upset about, or B, apologize if he needs to. And I, I feel for her and I, that's probably her biggest critique in their marriage.

• 51:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, that's been everybody's critique in a relationship with me, that I am that person.

• 51:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  That you're that person.

• 52:00Rayna Greenberg?

  That I really, I mean, you know that I'm like, I just, if it's a pervasive issue and I'm like, I know the way I feel is not like a situation that I'm upset about. It is a larger issue and I'm gonna hurt your feelings when I say it. So, like, I, it's, I just, I avoid those things. I get really nervous. Everybody I've ever been with, my family, friends of mine have been like, you, you refuse to share this. And I've worked to get better on it, cause I know that that's like very hurtful to people. Cause like you said, you lose days. Sometimes people lose weeks. It's just in this weird nebulous, like we're just kinda mad at each other.

• 52:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, and then you get another person like that that's not going to bang down your door like I will. And would you stop being friends? I mean, again, it's like, how much does it snowball from days to weeks to months? And then there's not a friendship there anymore? And that's an extreme case. But if you have two people that are like that, and you know, I'm not even, I don't think you're stubborn at all. I don't actually think that's not a word I would use to describe you, or really, any of the people that are super close in my life, besides my dad. But it's just, if you have two of those people, I mean, I'm sure there's couples that have broken up because they're both like that, and they were both stubborn, and they couldn't get there, and they maybe lost something good there.

• 53:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not stubborn. That's not the, it's just, I don't know. Yeah, I don't think you're saying I'm stubborn. But I just don't know how to say it. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna say this, and I can't take it back. This is the thing I feel about you as a person. And it's hard for me to get those words together. But I think that as I've gotten older, I've just, I see the best in people. I know the people around here are trying to hurt me. I don't want to hurt them. I try to, I'm just better at softening things. You know, I just, you know, we get older, we get better.

• 53:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally. And I do think you do really give your friends and the people you care about the benefit of the doubt. And obviously, we talk about this all the time. Like, it is way different than like, if we had conflicts, early days, I just wouldn't hear from you. Like, I guess she's dead. And I guess the podcast is over. Because why would she not be texting me?

• 53:55Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, our conflict style is really different now. I really, I thank your husband.

• 54:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right now, we've been, we've been doing good for a long, a long time. Was it that one summer, we fought a lot? Okay, so.

• 54:10Rayna Greenberg?

  So, this is actually a stat that I thought was really interesting. Who starts the fights? And who initiates the resolution?

• 54:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  The resolution, okay.

• 54:16Rayna Greenberg?

  So, I mean, most of our audience is, is, is female. So, this is mostly women saying this. So. Most people say that they did not start the fight and most people also say that they initiate the resolution. So every, all the women in our audience are perfect. And I love you guys and I just, I love this so much. But listen, none of us really think that we're at fault.

• 54:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, okay, but let's do the stats because I like the majority stat for who usually starts the fights. So who usually starts the fights? 33% said me. It's me on the problem. It's me.

• 54:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Only a third of you.

• 54:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  6% said my partner. I like that. That's not putting a bunch of blame. Okay, we alternate 23%.

• 54:58Rayna Greenberg?

  I should laugh that out.

• 54:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then 37%, the majority who answered this said, hard to say. They just kind of happened. And I feel like that's so real where you're like, I don't even fucking know. It just all of a sudden, it got weird.

• 55:17Rayna Greenberg?

  And then who usually initiates the talk? 50% me.

• 55:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  But that feels like a female trait to initiate, to drag. Like I, when I think of the couple of times with Shashank, I visually picture myself pulling something out of him. Like the first time this happened, like first real fight, summer 2024, I felt like all day I had to pull out of him why he was pissed at me.

• 55:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, listen, I'm the last male apologist alive, but I do understand that like men are not taught to value feelings and like being vulnerable and saying how something makes them feel. And I don't think that men, I think it's getting better, but men have not traditionally been raised to like, talk it out and say you're hurt. So they weren't like given those tools so young. And so now it's our problem.

• 56:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, he has a sister and so he's doing, he's already got a leg up on all those other men that don't have an older sister. But yeah, so who usually initiates the talk? Who starts the resolution? 50% said me. 19% said them, the partner. 27% said whoever snaps first. So you started it, you gotta finish it. And we avoid it forever. 4%.

• 56:24Rayna Greenberg?

  That's a lot.

• 56:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, this feels like Shashank and his previous relationships. Like last night, I was trying to talk to him so much about his past relationships and their fighting. And like, he finally had to be like, what are you trying to get out of me? Like, he was like, what are you trying to get out of me? I'm like, I want to understand.

• 56:38Rayna Greenberg?

  That I'm the best, that we are the best.

• 56:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  He's just not combative. He's just really easy, but he's also like, but I think I had stuff in those past relationships that I'd never said. And then obviously they didn't work out.

• 56:51Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 56:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know?

• 56:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I mean, I just, I do validate that that is just tools that we did not give boys growing up, and so it is harder for them, and so we have to raise them now.

• 57:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  But to your point, it's the like, the vulnerability of saying, you hurt me, and you did this thing that made me feel, I don't, whatever it is, dismissed, emasculated, disrespected, looked down upon, condescending, like, those things are hard for anybody to, it, uh, man, hard for them to admit, being really vulnerable, because you don't want to think that, like, your partner did this thing that maybe not even perceived as a big deal, but it made you feel a certain type of way.

• 57:30Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think that's why most fights are, these, they start with something little, because like, most people, men especially, are not going to start a fight with you by saying, like, this emasculates me.

• 57:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 57:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Most of them are going to say, like, why did you pick this plan? You know, like, something small.

• 57:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Or they'll, like, if they really don't have healthy communication skills, they'll just take it out on you in some other way, and you have to decode why, which is just unfair.

• 57:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 57:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then, I love this question, and I want to discuss it, do you go to bed angry? Never, 38%, sometimes, 60%, and often, that 2%.

• 58:07Rayna Greenberg?

  Get out of there.

• 58:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love this because of the never go to bed angry, marriage advice, relationship advice, like, and if that's, if you live and die by that, that's fine, but I think we hear it, we, we've heard it forever, and it doesn't always work like that.

• 58:24Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know, I just think there's, like, some people need a cooling off period.

• 58:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 58:27Rayna Greenberg?

  And, yeah, you're not going to sleep as well, but you're just like, I'll feel better in the morning. How often do I just wake up and I feel better in the morning? It doesn't feel so heavy and upset, you know?

• 58:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, I'm more likely to be like, this was silly, and I don't want to have this fight. I don't know, you've got to do whatever is going to allow you to emotionally regulate. So if you're like, I'm not, I'm going to lose sleep over this, I'm not going to be able to, then... Don't go to sleep angry. I don't know.

• 58:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, couples who live and die by this, what does it look like? I mean, is it bedtime and you're like, well, we gotta settle this now? You know, like, how do you navigate that? And again, the majority said sometimes it just be like that. So it does suck and it is so embarrassing to get into a bed with someone you're in a fight with. That is so embarrassing. It's embarrassing to fight with your roommate, first of all. It's embarrassing to walk around the house and maybe you said you used to give the silent treatment. We've talked about this. It is so embarrassing to fight with somebody, especially you lived in a one bedroom apartment, giving your roommate the silent treatment.

• 59:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Just being such a little bitch in this tiny little apartment.

• 59:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  I am in my 30s or 40s, like, what are we doing? And when you get into bed and you were both mad at each other, I'm like, grow up, Ashley. We need to grow up. This is so embarrassing.

• 59:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Sometimes you're just like, I don't feel like doing this right now.

• 59:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's just like, then sleep in the other room. Like, we're in the bed. I'm mad at you, you're in the bed. God forbid you snore, I'm even more mad now. You're moving around, you have the audacity to move? You pulled my cover when you pissed me off? It's the audacity.

• 59:56Rayna Greenberg?

  No, it's really rude and it's embarrassing.

• 59:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Seriously, for a man, for you to be fighting with a man and he has the audacity to get into bed and make a noise or a movement.

• 1:00:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Right. And they roll over their side and they just like, won't talk to you. Get out of here, go sleep on the couch.

• 1:00:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  But it happens sometimes. And if there's couples that are like, this is what works for us. And before bed, we've got to hash it out and we refuse to go to bed angry, more power to you.

• 1:00:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, and we asked you guys, what do you fight the most about? We left this sort of open ended as a question box. And I mean, far, I mean, lots of stuff came up. So chores and division of labor came up a lot. You know, who's just responsible for everything around the house? Obviously, kids, money, sex, in-laws, but far and above, over and over and over again, is communication. And I really like dove into like what that meant with like the next question slide. Cause like, we asked people, what makes you feel crazy during a fight? And everything had to do with communication and just feeling like you are not heard by your partner. You are invalidated, somebody just dismisses how you feel, they're sarcastic. I mean, there's just a laundry list of like things that will destabilize you. Stonewalling, which was- Like I was the MVP of Stonewall back in the day.

• 1:01:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Defensiveness and validation, like all of that communication is just like so much of fights is nothing to do with the fight. It's just like, how do I feel when we're having a disagreement? Are you, do you hear me at all? Are you trying to see my side of things at all? Are you acting like I'm being ridiculous? I had my first boyfriend in New York would say to me, I'll, we can talk about this when you calm yourself down. I mean, there was nothing more gaslighting on planet earth than that. I felt so like unsafe with him in conflict. And I, it didn't even, we were, who cares what we were fighting about? It was just that became the fight.

• 1:01:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  That became the fight. Yes, exactly. I mean, some of these answers for what, when we asked again, what makes you feel crazy during a fight is total disregard from my perspective and we cannot agree on the recollection of an event. I mean, that is tough. And you see this with every relationship with family, friends, partners, where you were like, that's not what happened. Like that, it makes you feel insane. Like I, I, I mean, there's different levels to this. There's literally like, that's not even where we were, what was said. And then there's just like, that's not what I meant by that. And that's how it, you interpreted it. And one of the things that triggered like the, I guess, biggest fight Shashank and I've had, it's like, he was upset by something that I did that I clearly didn't do intentionally. I didn't even think twice about it. It's just a reaction to it, whatever.

• 1:02:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  It doesn't, again, I don't need to get into the weeds with this. And like, I don't know, I, I didn't not understand where he was coming from, but it wouldn't have bothered me. I certainly validated it, but if I felt like all the time he was telling me like, you do this thing and you do this thing and you do this thing. And I feel like this, I, I, that's not the relationship we're in, you know, like there was a thing that happened and I was like, okay, I see where you're coming from. And I see why that hit different and I really will work on it. I hope it ever happens again. No guarantees, but I will work on it. Even though like what I'm thinking to myself, I didn't do anything intentional. I didn't, I didn't even know I didn't did anything. And so if you're with a partner that's constantly, you never know when you're going to trigger them and you feel like you're walking on a minefield at all times.

• 1:02:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  That might not be the right relationship for you, but every once in a while, you might get into a situation where someone is telling you did something and you really don't agree with it or how it made them feel because it wasn't your intention, but you still have to understand and validate it. Because that was their experience.

• 1:03:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think we're very, we're all quick to seize upon the gaslighting word and like you're gaslighting me. I don't know, we can have disagreements, we can, we can differ on our interpretation of an event. That doesn't mean somebody's necessarily gaslighting you. Like, gaslighting you is, it is actually like challenging your reality. It's abusive.

• 1:03:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 1:03:26Rayna Greenberg?

  But I can get past any disagreement with anybody as long as they say to me, I can understand why you felt like that.

• 1:03:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:31Rayna Greenberg?

  That's all. Not, not this didn't happen, or that's not, you're so sensitive. I need somebody at the end of an argument to be like, okay, I understand why you digested it like this.

• 1:03:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and I do think we get into that intention versus impact and some people can get really hung up on the stubbornness of like, but I didn't mean it. And it's like, but I still am hurt by it. And that is when you do have to stop being stubborn and let your guard down and just understand you hurt your partner even though you didn't mean to.

• 1:03:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I don't know. Some people really can't do that. It's so interesting to me. Like, some people really value being right, or only having their side of things. I mean, that's a, it's really like a narcissistic personality trait that like, they truly do not see their side in anything ever. You never hear, I'm sorry, you never hear, I understand why you might feel like that. You have to ask yourself, is that, is that the resolution of every single argument? Is I just have to back down? Then you might be the narcissist.

• 1:04:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. And also, like I was mentioning, if that thing that happened with us was weakly, then that wouldn't be for me. And I think of a couple, an ex couple that we know, they're broken up. And she just always feels like he's like making fun of her, or nagging her, or being disrespectful to her, like always. And like, he doesn't, and he's like, that's how, I'm just, that's how I am. And so I just don't think they're a match. Like, we've seen this with, actually, they're not the only couple where I feel like that, where there is one party that is constantly offending the other and being like, but I don't mean it like that. And it's just like, you guys are not, whatever's going on, your sense of humor, your delivery and tone, like you can only change that so much about somebody. You can work through your tone and your language and things on your own in therapy, whatever

• 1:05:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  it may be. But if you really are like, we are just constantly butting heads, then it might not be your person.

• 1:05:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  So.

• 1:05:16Rayna Greenberg?

  So, we asked you guys, what are some tips for managing conflict? And then we're going to wrap this up by telling you guys the dumbest fights you guys have had. But, I mean, you guys were, were great. And I had a partner who always said to me, like, you're not, you're not listening to me. You don't hear me. And I'd be like, what are you saying to me? And so I had somebody suggest just putting it back on your partner and saying like, help me to hear you better. Help me to understand what, tell me what you need from me. Like in a calm, nice way. And that was helpful for me because I was like, I'm being great. I'm using all this non-inflammatory language and I'm listening and I'm being calm. And like, he still didn't digest it like that. And so I did have to like, figure out how to communicate with him differently in fights. And that was like, very helpful for me to just put back on somebody else and say like, well, please teach me, you know?

• 1:05:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. I'm thinking of another two people we know that were together and have since broken up where one person always felt like the other person was yelling and screaming. And that person was like, I'm not. And that sometimes comes down to your like, childhood and what you dealt with in your home, because my voice will raise. And if I'm screaming, it's hit, it hits different. It does. There's a difference in a tone. Like if I am screaming or yelling, it's different than like, I'm talking elevated on this episode. Like I am passionate and I, my voice raises. And I see a world in which someone is immediately like, you're yelling at me. I think this is typically, a man might raise his voice and a woman might

• 1:06:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  retreat. And maybe it was, your dad was like that, or your mom, or whatever. And so, again, that's like, that is tough. You are not able to hear each other. And if I had someone that was like, I could not raise the volume of my voice, it would be tough for me because I'm like, that's, am I supposed to whisper when I'm upset? I know, it would be tough. You know, like when you have that communication breakdown.

• 1:06:59Rayna Greenberg?

  There was so much screaming in my house growing up. I mean, it was like a daily, I mean, I just got screamed at continuously from the minute she walked in the door until the minute we went to sleep. And it's just a bad environment to live in. I don't want to be like that. And so it has helped me at least to be the kind of person that doesn't raise my voice a lot. And I don't want to make somebody feel like that. If I'm yelling at you, if something really bad has happened.

• 1:07:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I know. But, and you will, it's rare, but.

• 1:07:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I will. Like, I like it sometimes. But I mean, it's not my like, go-to. But I, I also am not so triggered by it. Like, I can deal with it a little bit. But I'm, I don't approach people like that. So I don't, I don't want to be approached like that.

• 1:07:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally. And it's just, this happens over time. Like, I was in a relationship where I was yelling and screaming all the time. And I have never once spoken to Shank like that. He's never spoken to me like that. The thought of it legitimately upsets me to even think about. And that was what I was doing on the daily.

• 1:07:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like the thought that he could talk to me in that way, like, you know, you know, that that mean like tone, like, oh, my God, I could cry.

• 1:07:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I can't even imagine.

• 1:07:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't imagine it. I would never do it to him. Okay, never say never, but still. Okay, so there's just some great tips in here. Someone, obviously, number one, trust the intentions of your partner. If you can't, you're in the wrong relationship. If you really think they're out to get you and you're not in the same team. I mean, you're married, you have kids, you're trying to work it out or whatever. Have you been with them forever? Like, maybe you want to go to therapy. There's different ways. But if it's just like the underlying feeling, I don't think you're in the right relationship.

• 1:08:21Rayna Greenberg?

  When somebody says to me, like, he's just always attacking me, everything. And sometimes I've had friends in the past tell me examples, and I'm not invalidating them, but I'm just like, this doesn't sound like you're, like, he's trying to attack you. But you can only see it through that lens. Maybe you've gotten too far into the, down that path. And, I mean, obviously, go to therapy. I think relationships are worth working on if you're in love. And obviously, therapy's on this list.

• 1:08:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And I do think that there is a point where you chip away completely of your relationship. You have, like, completely shattered the foundation. You are in a vicious, volatile cycle that is hard to break. It can be done, but I don't know. Sometimes it does feel like there's a point of no return. Someone said, write it out first. I like that. Just, and then also, there's a point where you're like, this is so stupid.

• 1:09:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, I've been there where you're like, you're trying to tell somebody or something, and you're like, you know, I forget it. I was on my period.

• 1:09:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Sometimes I just get so upset or mad about something. And I wish that, like, I could look back. I wish I could look from the future and be like, you're not going to care about this later. Just relax, you know?

• 1:09:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Someone wrote, their reality is true, my reality is true, even if they're different. And again, we've all experienced this. But if it is all the time, I, again, don't know that this is the right relationship, where you are constantly battling over what happened.

• 1:09:45Rayna Greenberg?

  I liked what you were reading.

• 1:09:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  Pick your battles. Oh, my God. This is the number one hot take. I just think about this all the time. I think this is really when you move in with somebody of like, I just think that's a huge shift in a relationship dynamic is when you start cohabitating. I think it's the biggest. And having kids, obviously, those two, the kids more so. But kids too. I mean, like the pick your battles that you think of someone that is just constantly irritated by their partner for everything they does annoy you. Again, wrong relationship, but like, can you deal with them putting the towel on the door?

• 1:10:23Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know. I've lived with three people, but I've gotten so anal retentive since then.

• 1:10:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, you take this one.

• 1:10:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I guess you just have to say, I mean, it would be hard for me today. I've lived with three partners. You just have to, you just have to let people live. Like, I have a lot of self-talk in my brain about the way people like, stock their refrigerator, leave dishes, leave their socks, leave their shoes. I hate all of it. It all drives me crazy. But you have to say to yourself, I guess it's enough positive, like, I'm in love and someone's in the house with me.

• 1:10:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  You don't have to. You might, you might be the new me. You might not want to live with somebody.

• 1:10:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I probably do. If I found somebody I really liked.

• 1:10:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:58Rayna Greenberg?

  And we get good texts and we get along, we laughed a lot.

• 1:11:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  It would be tough. I'm a person that likes a clean, tidy house. It would be tough to be with like, a slob. I don't know how some of you do it. So, there's that. I just, and again, like, we talked about this years ago, and I've talked about it recently with a friend who runs her own business of when you employ people and they're gonna do it 90% perfect of what you want. Like, you have to think of that in your relationship too. Like, are you really expecting and demanding perfection? Because we're all human. So, sometimes your partner is not gonna do everything the way you want it done, or you would do it.

• 1:11:38Rayna Greenberg?

  That sounds so bad.

• 1:11:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  But you have to, again, let them live and understand they're human.

• 1:11:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:11:51Rayna Greenberg?

  You just, listen, if it was up to me, I would like follow somebody around the dustpan, pushing chairs in after they moved and picking up everything. I just, I can't be like that when I live with somebody and I want to be.

• 1:12:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Ask someone how you can hear them better or support them, like Rena was saying. Focus on how you feel versus what they did. I mean, this is where your, your I statements come in. I'll add in one of my own. I think, again, you approach with these I statements. This made me feel this way and this is why. And lead with love, of course, and calm yourself down first and lead with love and respect and always approach with curiosity. Like I've said things before, even to you, like if we've had a conflict, this felt out of character. This is not how I experience you typically. I'm not saying this to you right now, but like I've said, like, I don't understand what's going on because this hasn't been my experience. And I think in my head, I'm screaming, not to you, to whoever, I know you better than

• 1:12:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  this. You know, that's what I'm screaming in my head and I'm reframing it to be like, we have had this relationship for however many years and this is not typically how I would expect you to react or how I would have expected this to go down. So I'm just trying to understand.

• 1:13:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  And like, again, this is stuff that like I am working out in real time and I can feel my own growth of 10 years ago and like the way I would have just popped off and used more inflammatory language. I think language is so important in tone.

• 1:13:15Rayna Greenberg?

  You have grown up a lot.

• 1:13:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Don't say things you can't take back. I mean, I don't know. This is, this comes with the growth too. Again, again, it's like, it's just, I don't want to chalk it up to like, you're just going to be an asshole in your twenties, but like you do grow out of a lot of, a lot of that.

• 1:13:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. Stop being fun.

• 1:13:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Back then, it's just like, hold my beer. I'm about to do something really toxic.

• 1:13:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so if someone said like, "Lower your volume to lower the tension." Calm tone equals calmer outcome. But I saw on here, someone wrote, like, "When my partner is too calm, I'm like, I get more mad." Yeah, they feel...

• 1:13:57Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, is it, are you being calm to, are you being calm to instigate me?

• 1:14:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  To be patronizing, yeah.

• 1:14:02Rayna Greenberg?

  I've been with people like that, that are like, "I'm not gonna match your level of how crazy you're being." And that, to me, I remember the boyfriend who'd say to me, like, "We can talk when you start calming yourself down," or whatever it was. I remember at the beginning of the relationship, I said to my mom, I was like, "He just never, he never escalates, he never fights me, really. He's just, he stays like, super calm." And she goes, "Oh, that'll get old."

• 1:14:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, yes, here it is, I found it. It was in the one that, "What makes you feel crazy during a fight?" Someone said, "He stays overly calm, and I find it instigative."

• 1:14:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I think people really do fight, because you're just like, "I'm really upset, and I'm, I wanna make this better, and you don't seem like you care that much. Or you seem like you're patronizing me." But either way, I don't like, I don't like these.

• 1:14:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm-hmm, yeah.

• 1:14:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 1:14:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, so there's a line there.

• 1:14:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Calm, but not too calm.

• 1:14:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  "Listen to understand, not to win. Feeling heard often diffuses conflict fast." Obviously, I mean, people just wanna feel heard.

• 1:14:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm just laughing at somebody staying calm. It's like, "You could be calm, but sell me an experience." "I need to know you're a little bit upset. Like, sell it to me."

• 1:15:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  But that's, that's the thing, like, I've dealt with this a few times with Shashank, where I'm like, "Are you gonna, are, are we, like, are you gonna say anything? Why are you so calm?"

• 1:15:16Rayna Greenberg?

  "If you were right now, you'd be yelling back at me by now."

• 1:15:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  And of course, I'm not doing that to him, I'm doing it for effect now. You know, I like, I don't get in his face and scream at him, but I'm thinking to myself, like, "I just, fight with me, like, not fight with me, but you know what I mean. Say the thing, say the thing, so we can get back on track."

• 1:15:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, "I'm upset, can you act like you're upset?"

• 1:15:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:37Rayna Greenberg?

  "Sell me on an experience."

• 1:15:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Sell me on an experience, oh my god. "Aim for repair, not perfection." Yeah, I think, is that just words?

• 1:15:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, no offense. It's a nice, it's a nice little soundbite.

• 1:15:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Who chatty with you?

• 1:16:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  What does that even mean?

• 1:16:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  You all got that one from TikTok.

• 1:16:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Send me the TikTok where you got that.

• 1:16:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Repair. What if repair is perfection? I think what it means is like, don't brush us under the rug while like, everything's great. Like, let's repair this.

• 1:16:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, you interpret it that way. Okay. Yeah, no, I get it.

• 1:16:22Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, let's not, let's not act like, you know, everything's perfect. You know, let's, let's fix this up.

• 1:16:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Got it.

• 1:16:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Saw me on a fixer-upper.

• 1:16:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. And we are going to get into the dumbest fights you've ever had with your partner, but I have a question for you. I do want to talk about makeup sex.

• 1:16:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 1:16:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  We had it on here and we asked, how do fights usually end? Seventy-seven percent said rational discussion and resolution. Oh, you guys are so mature. No, I'm just kidding. Eight percent, one person gives in. Two percent makeup sex. And in my more toxic relationship, we always had makeup sex. I could never with Shashank. If we have had a conflict, I'm like sad and I am the opposite of turned on. Like, when we resolve something, if we have any sort of disagreement, like, we work it out and I feel closer to him, but I don't feel horny.

• 1:17:11Rayna Greenberg?

  You don't just like fuck it out.

• 1:17:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And that's, everybody is different. I have zero judgment surrounding this or any of this stuff.

• 1:17:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Maybe people misinterpreted it.

• 1:17:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I think it's normal. I think it's totally normal and I don't even think it's unhealthy. I think people work something out and they feel a closeness and they want to fuck. I really do think it's normal. I just have been like, I've just been a little sad.

• 1:17:33Rayna Greenberg?

  It makes you horny.

• 1:17:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  My pussy is sad.

• 1:17:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. I think some people are just, they feel so distant from their partner.

• 1:17:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, you want to be close.

• 1:17:39Rayna Greenberg?

  You really feel that closeness.

• 1:17:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  We'll be physically close. Like, we'll cuddle up and again, maybe it's later that night, but the immediacy is not, I'm not like horny after having that.

• 1:17:51Rayna Greenberg?

  There's a direct, I don't know what it is, like a parallel, what's it called? To how toxic the relationship was and how much I needed to have makeup sex.

• 1:17:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know.

• 1:18:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Like how sad I felt all day and anxious. And it was like the first time you finally feel like closeness to somebody.

• 1:18:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I totally, and again, I'm not saying that makeup sex goes hand in hand with toxic relationships. I, again, like, I think conflict resolution brings you closer together. That means you might want to fuck, but for me, I'm just like, mm. Okay, so this was like a wild card as we were doing these. I was like, wait, Raina, I want to ask dumbest fight you've gotten to with a partner and they delivered. They are insane. Okay, this one is so Raina-coded. He stole my teriyaki sauce that I ordered for me. I even asked him if he wanted his own. That's what she, she asked. She knew. She saw that coming.

• 1:18:40Rayna Greenberg?

  I know. And she was like, you always steal my teriyaki sauce and I, I got ahead of this.

• 1:18:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, yes, exactly.

• 1:18:47Rayna Greenberg?

  He doesn't know how to properly fold a blanket or a towel. Like, I can see that just being like, you don't help me with the chores or the housework and everything falls on me. And it's like, you just act like, we did this whole episode about weaponized incompetence. Like, I can see this happening a lot. Chores.

• 1:19:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, there's, there is a lot of eating my food. When we had Andrew Cullen on, what, last year or the year before, last time we had Andrew Cullen on, he talked about this fight with Brenna. Did he eat her food? Like, she had saved like some, like a couple pieces of sushi.

• 1:19:15Rayna Greenberg?

  One of them had saved two pieces of sushi.

• 1:19:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Sushi. The other one ate it. It was like World War III.

• 1:19:19Rayna Greenberg?

  If I'd haunt his kids when I died or not. His kids?

• 1:19:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  What do you mean?

• 1:19:23Rayna Greenberg?

  If I'd haunt his kids when I died. So I guess she's the stepmom.

• 1:19:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  They fought over that?

• 1:19:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, they had a fight about it.

• 1:19:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  This was the first one I saw. When asked what type of animal I am, he said killer whale.

• 1:19:37Rayna Greenberg?

  I would really need to know what the fuck you meant by that.

• 1:19:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, if you, if you are-

• 1:19:42Rayna Greenberg?

  You think it's just killer or a big personality?

• 1:19:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love a killer whale. That's, that's blackfish, right?

• 1:19:48Rayna Greenberg?

  No one cared more about blackfish than me.

• 1:19:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, like that's Shamu, right? Like, those are the badass looking whale. If she is worried about her weight, you don't call someone a whale. Like, if Shashanka said killer whale, I'd be like, dope. But if I was struggling with my weight, I'd be like, you're a fucking asshole.

• 1:20:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, are we talking about vibes? Are we talking about body shape?

• 1:20:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Leaving me in a Trader Joe's and checking out separately.

• 1:20:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Is that the time you and I got on the plane separately?

• 1:20:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, you knew a couple that they got off the plane and he went to baggage claim without her. They've broken up, but that was insane. That was one of the most insane things I've ever heard.

• 1:20:22Rayna Greenberg?

  We know a couple that got into Penn Station and she got into a car and he walked home. What?

• 1:20:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:20:31Rayna Greenberg?

  He put an open package of chicken in the freezer, no saram wrap, no baggie. I mean, again,

• 1:20:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 1:20:35Rayna Greenberg?

  This all goes into like, why does everything fall on me?

• 1:20:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Just raw chicken? A lot of this type of energy. I asked him if I was the most beautiful woman in the world, to him, and he said no. That's jail.

• 1:20:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, let me ask you.

• 1:20:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 1:20:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Let me ask you.

• 1:20:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  What?

• 1:20:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel like this is like a common meme fight, but I wonder if couples actually do this. I have no, I have no touch point to this. Like when people say like, if I was an aunt, would you still love me?

• 1:21:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, I hate this. If I was like a slug, would you still love me? And no, absolutely not.

• 1:21:07Rayna Greenberg?

  Can I have sex with you?

• 1:21:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm not a fucking weirdo. If you're anything but a human, no. I, like, this might crack.

• 1:21:13Rayna Greenberg?

  What if, if I died, would you, would you marry again?

• 1:21:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'd be like, wouldn't you want me to be happy?

• 1:21:19Rayna Greenberg?

  No. I think you just gotta lie and just be like, no, I'd be alone forever.

• 1:21:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't picture it.

• 1:21:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Getting married again?

• 1:21:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and I think that's so much more of a female trait is their husband dying and not marrying again. Men typically move on quicker.

• 1:21:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, he'll be like, yeah, I'll be walking down the street tomorrow. I'll meet my next wife.

• 1:21:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:38Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that's a nice response, though, if you're trying to not start a fight. I couldn't imagine such a thing.

• 1:21:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  That is the way to start a fight, is if I died, would you marry again or be with somebody?

• 1:21:49Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, I cannot tell you how many chore things about paper towels, the way people clean the mirror. I mean, people just, women really feel like men pretend like they can't do stuff.

• 1:21:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  This one I'm upset about. My husband wouldn't wear the Hawaiian shirt with my face all over it on vacation. That's a vacation shirt. Why would you not wear that?

• 1:22:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I actually thought you were gonna take the other side of this argument.

• 1:22:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, that's when you're supposed to wear it.

• 1:22:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Also, I just, I mean, you and I, it's important us to be with somebody that has like a sense of humor about themselves. You know, he didn't know what penne pasta was. I don't think we would have a fight. It would give me the ick.

• 1:22:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Wait, do you know my, like, our pasta thing, our first date? I don't know if you know this about me, because it's kind of embarrassing.

• 1:22:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, but it's like a food, you don't have food stuff.

• 1:22:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, okay, but so I didn't know, this was our very first date in 2023. We're at Alice in New York. And I didn't, I thought cassiopepe was just spaghetti. I thought it was a very specific type of pasta. I thought it was obviously the sauce, the salt and pepper. I know what it means, whatever, but I thought it was only spaghetti. Like, I thought that was a dish.

• 1:22:49Rayna Greenberg?

  That's the noodle, like, like penne vodka comes with.

• 1:22:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I thought it was a dish.

• 1:22:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 1:22:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  And he was like, cacho a pepe is like, can be any pasta. I said, no way. Absolutely not. Sure enough, we got cacho a pepe ravioli or whatever the fuck. And I was like, oh, you're right. That was like our first thing. And I was like, no way.

• 1:23:07Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm gonna validate you on this one.

• 1:23:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 1:23:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I actually, I mean, I haven't been in the, cacho a pepe is a style. So I mean, if you know about food, you know, the like, yes, ravioli can be cacho a pepe style. I mean, anything can be cacho a pepe style, but I think the mainstream, most common interpretation of this specific pasta dish is spaghetti.

• 1:23:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Anything could also be carbonara. I think people have a specific idea of the type of noodles that come with carbonara.

• 1:23:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:31Rayna Greenberg?

  It's like fettuccine noodles or spaghetti type noodles. So I'm gonna validate you on this.

• 1:23:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, thank you.

• 1:23:36Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that that's, I think that some people don't know.

• 1:23:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:39Rayna Greenberg?

  And I appreciate your commitment to not being wrong. You're like, I'm just not, if I'm, I don't admit I'm wrong, I'm not wrong.

• 1:23:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, I was wrong. Okay. He said, bring your big ass back here. And he meant it as a compliment.

• 1:23:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, bring that big ass back here.

• 1:23:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, shashank, language that men use about your body, like, he has said to me, I can't even believe I'm gonna say this on air.

• 1:24:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, I still, I remember exactly where we were.

• 1:24:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  He has said to me, like, once or twice, because I remember the, I can remember them specifically, that I looked jacked. And he meant toned. I'm not, I'm not jacked, like, I, like, but he meant, like, toned, like, I can see

• 1:24:21Rayna Greenberg?

  The definition.

• 1:24:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  The definition, defined, toned. And I was like, it's not jacked.

• 1:24:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Never, stop calling.

• 1:24:28Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not The Rock.

• 1:24:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, like, I'm not like, huh, like, jacked, don't, unless, if a woman is really working out a bunch and she's Crossfitting, she wants to be super big and muscular, I think that's an appropriate word. I don't want to hear that word, no offense, if that's what you want to hear.

• 1:24:43Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm gonna validate this one, too. I really think that, let, with, women have been tormented and badgered about their bodies their entire lives. And I think it can be like a one second thing of like, I didn't mean that word like that. Great, let's move on. But I think that women have been. Picked apart their entire lives about how they look and we're a little sensitive about certain words being applied to our bodies, our faces, our hair, our everything and that's fine.

• 1:25:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I told him, don't use that word again. That word is banned. Okay, I would show him a meme or he'd say he already saw it on Reddit three days ago. No shared laughs. That's a red flag. Like you, if you are always sending memes to your partner and they say, I've seen this already, ew.

• 1:25:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Really, I have to like, hold myself back from saying it to people because it's just, don't want trying to hear that.

• 1:25:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  I, this is a deeper discussion. Like, I just wouldn't do somebody like that. Like, every once in a while, like, my brother will, we send a lot of memes back and forth and I'll be like, oh my God, I saw it the other day and I died over it. My intention is not to be like, you're late on this. Like, my intention is to be like, oh my God, I, I literally, I think I died over that the other day, but like, I, I, people send me stuff all the time that I've seen. I don't feel the need to tell them.

• 1:25:48Rayna Greenberg?

  I, I mean, unless I'm saying like, you, you think I have been involved in this all morning.

• 1:25:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right, if it's like, embarrassingly late.

• 1:25:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, we have one friend that she will be sending stuff so late. Me not loading the dishwasher correctly, even though everything gets clean. You cannot fight about this. Do not fight about how you load the dishwasher. I'm telling you, like, the way I load the dishwasher is so chaotic and crazy looking. Like, I remember one time Bobby Westside came over and took a picture and he was like, what is going, what is going on with this girl?

• 1:26:13Rayna Greenberg?

  You are, it's crazy that you are so anal about laundry and dishwasher, do not care. Your, your vibes is it'll get cleaned.

• 1:26:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's true, but I'm just like, whoever loads it can load it however they want. Water gets all up in there, it gets clean. My parents had this fight my whole life. Like, this is one of their arguments around the house, is how they would load the dishwasher. And I'm like, whoever loads it can do whatever they want. You, there is no right or wrong. Stop telling people how to do this.

• 1:26:37Rayna Greenberg?

  My mom was like, military style. This, I mean, watch me fucking pack this thing. I have never cared about anything less. It is, I got other stuff going on and we will turn this on and it'll get washed.

• 1:26:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 1:26:49Rayna Greenberg?

  And if it doesn't get washed, we'll run it through again. Like, it's not even like, the washing machine, which is way more water to waste. Like,

• 1:26:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I've never cared about a single thing less.

• 1:26:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 1:26:59Rayna Greenberg?

  What's the difference?

• 1:27:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, whoever's loading it, it's their method.

• 1:27:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, I always put it, silverware with like, the prongs up, knives down, but like, spoons, forks up. I think it's so weird to put, people put them down, but if they get cleaned, who cares?

• 1:27:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, in my mom's defense, my dad does knife up.

• 1:27:16Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy.

• 1:27:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  He says the knife cuts the thi-

• 1:27:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Knife up!

• 1:27:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  The, he's like, the knife will like, wear away at the-

• 1:27:24Rayna Greenberg?

  The bottom.

• 1:27:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  The, yeah, the, like-

• 1:27:26Rayna Greenberg?

  So you'd rather just get stabbed?

• 1:27:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Silverware, yeah. So you'd rather slit mom's wrists?

• 1:27:29Rayna Greenberg?

  That's insane.

• 1:27:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  What are we doing here? So she has a right to be mad.

• 1:27:34Rayna Greenberg?

  I love him, but I'm on her side for this one.

• 1:27:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so in conclusion, everybody fights except for rich A-listers, apparently.

• 1:27:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, you're not in the same bucket as those people.

• 1:27:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I just always want to remind people, like, you can have amazing chemistry with people, they can make you laugh, you can have fun with them, you can have stuff in common, but if you are fighting constantly, or you cannot seem to find common ground and handle conflict healthily, that may not be your person. Like, it's a big piece of the puzzle, is how you manage conflict together.

• 1:28:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Totally agree.

• 1:28:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, well, Raina's tour this week.

• 1:28:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, it starts this week. I'll see you guys on the road. Ashley will see you in Florida with me, and-

• 1:28:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Come fight with us. No, just kidding.

• 1:28:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. But we'll see you guys. I'm really, really excited. And that's it. I hope you liked the episode.

• 1:28:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. So her tickets are at rainagreenberg.com, girlsgottaeat.com, girlsgottoeepodcast on Instagram and TikTok. I am Ash Hess, rainasraina greenberg. Subscribe on YouTube, share this episode with a friend, leave a comment on YouTube or Spotify, or wherever you are watching or listening, and we will see you Thursday.

• 1:28:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Have a good week, guys.

• 1:28:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Bye!