The Sleaze Bag Starter Kit w/ Ian Fidance | Your Mom's House Ep. 875

SPONSORS: Right now, when you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for FREE with promo code YMH. https://bluechew.com Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to https://Quince.com/MOM. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/ymh Tom is off this week, so Christina is joined by the one and only Ian Fidance, host of Ian Do on YouTube, on the road every week for the rest of the year, tickets at https://IanFidance.com. Ian arrives with flowers and a full divorce care package to usher Christina into the dating world, which leads to a conversation about the sleazebag starter kit he should be selling on tour, the darts she's allowed to rip now, and the gout-into-kidney-stones saga that put Ian on a Montreal hotel floor an hour before a taping. Then it's clip time: the horny cowboy is back with tips nobody asked for, a long-overdue update on Tony Johns and his homeless era, the whistling man who has genuinely figured out life, and a piss gadget that raises real questions. Ian pitches the only logical next step, move every cool guy into one house, with Christina as the RA handing out chores and taking away privileges. Also: a spy explains how important mouth stuff is in espionage, Christina finds out what dating requires in 2026 versus 2005, the suitor hotline delivers three voicemails and one very promising mechanic named Chris, Ian gets choke slammed at AEW, and a QVC host says something beautiful without realizing it. Enjoy! Your Mom’s House Ep. 875 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinap.com/https://store.ymhstudios.comhttps://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro00:02:01 - The Divorce Care Package00:04:41 - Ian's Gout Turned Into Kidney Stones00:07:54 - Opening Clip: The Horny Cowboy Rides Again00:15:08 - Tony Johns Update00:21:37 - Ralph The Whistler Update00:26:25 - Clip: Pissing Gadget00:27:01 - The YMH Cool Guy House00:30:51 - Clip: Russian Spy Tips00:36:30 - The Horny Hotline00:43:32 - Ian Do00:44:31 - TikToks00:49:35 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

• 0:12Speaker 01

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• 0:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can't, you've brought me presents.

• 0:43Tom Segura?

  I brought you gifts. I brought you presents. Yeah.

• 0:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Are those for me?

• 0:47Tom Segura?

  These flowers are for Niana. Where is she? These are for you.

• 0:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my goodness, thank you.

• 0:57Tom Segura?

  I know that endings can be tough, but new beginnings are wonderful to look forward to. So those are for you. I love you.

• 1:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you. I love you too. Are we getting married now?

• 1:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's, I actually, I'm gonna give you one of my little rings.

• 1:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is lovely. Thank you.

• 1:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you're welcome.

• 1:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's my first bouquet of flowers post.

• 1:17Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 1:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, like I've not been, I've been courted online, but not.

• 1:23Tom Segura?

  Have your DMs been a minefield?

• 1:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've stopped looking.

• 1:26Tom Segura?

  Good for you. Good for you.

• 1:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm not ready to, I mean, I do it for the show. We'll play some fucking bangers.

• 1:33Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's fun.

• 1:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let's just, listen, the reason we're in a hurry today, and it's my fault. I'm so sorry, you guys.

• 1:38Tom Segura?

  No, it's not your fault. It's my fault because I was late. There was a line at the CVS where I got all your gifts. And I was gonna steal them, but the guy recognized me and was like, "Oh no, I had to pay for everything." And so don't take the blame for yourself. It is my fault.

• 1:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I would normally just stay later, but today is the first day of school in Texas. Yeah, it's like August.

• 2:00Tom Segura?

  And you're doing this? You're a fucking superhero dude. Holy shit.

• 2:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  But full disclosure, that means I gotta get out of here at a certain time. So I'm sorry, guys, this is gonna be a little shorter than usual.

• 2:09Tom Segura?

  Well, that just means I have to come back. Yes.

• 2:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, queen.

• 2:14Tom Segura?

  And I'm sure you're gonna hear that a lot now that you're single. I'm sorry, this is a lot shorter than usual.

• 2:21Tom Segura?

  It won't hit the back, but it'll fuck the sides up. I'm sorry.

• 2:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you something? I'm so glad you're here because I've got so many fucked up clips. So why don't we just get into it? Hold on, what's that guy? Oh, here he is. Okay.

• 2:30Tom Segura?

  Should I keep, should I just not give you the other gifts?

• 2:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know there was more.

• 2:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I'm so, this is, give it to me, please. I'm dying to see what you got me. Wow, I'm so.

• 2:41Tom Segura?

  Well, you're single now, so we need to prepare you for this new world you're entering. And I know it's been a while. And I feel like I'm a good person to usher you into the dating world. But the most important part about dating is safety. So you're gonna be getting jammed out a lot, okay? You're gonna be getting some things going on. Get tested monthly, bimonthly, a couple of times, just to be safe. The condoms are a great form of safe sex, but also so is knowing your status. So I got you condoms, three different types, a pleasure pack. One for you, extra sensitive thin, and then one to make the guy last longer.

• 3:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you. That's really nice.

• 3:17Tom Segura?

  And if you really wanna make up for lost time, I got you Magnum so you can fuck a black guy. That'd be great. There you go.

• 3:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, wow.

• 3:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is really thoughtful. Thank you.

• 3:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you know, you gotta take care of your health. So we don't want you to get long-term UTIs. So I got you cranberry juice. You know, you're gonna pop that out. I also got you some UTI pills, just in case.

• 3:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're the fucking best, Ian.

• 3:43Tom Segura?

  And, you know, if you wanna get crazy, I got you Astroglide for anal.

• 3:50Tom Segura?

  That's for you. And also, guess what? A part of knowing pleasure is knowing yourself. So if you don't wanna date and go out and have sex, that's your choice and that's fine. So I got you a vibrator from CVS. You can jam your clam too whenever you want.

• 4:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, they sell these at the pharmacy?

• 4:07Tom Segura?

  I was gonna get you a rabbit, but it was a little.

• 4:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a little. Wow, what section of the fartmasy did you find this?

• 4:14Tom Segura?

  Adult needs.

• 4:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, this is really, see, this is why it's great to be friends with comedians when your life is in the toilet.

• 4:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 4:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is the best. Thank you so much. How very thoughtful. You should like sell this as a care package for someone that's newly divorced. The divorce package.

• 4:31Tom Segura?

  I should put together things and sell them on the road in a sle- I'll call it a sleaze bag. It'll be everything you need. It'll have like some little like merch things for myself.

• 4:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you so much. Truly, truly, what a thought. Oh, you got one for yourself too?

• 4:44Tom Segura?

  I got tart cherry juice for myself because I had gout and then I had kidney stones. And I have, I had to have kidney stone surgery. So I have to drink this because I have like urinary tract stuff now. Let's call it that.

• 4:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  How do they get rid of your kidney stones?

• 5:00Tom Segura?

  God, I'm so glad we're making it about me. I, well.

• 5:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  The best.

• 5:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 5:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm ripping darts now.

• 5:12Tom Segura?

  Yo, are you? Can I rip darts?

• 5:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  We're divorced. Divorced, Christine.

• 5:17Tom Segura?

  You're not taking your kids up from school.

• 5:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wait, I am.

• 5:19Tom Segura?

  You're ripping darts all day.

• 5:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'll blame you.

• 5:22Tom Segura?

  Let's go. Blame me for everything.

• 5:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ian was smoking. They hate when, oh, this is a fancy one.

• 5:27Tom Segura?

  Thank you. Yes, you'll never lose it.

• 5:31Tom Segura?

  I got it from a native family in San Antonio.

• 5:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's nice of them.

• 5:35Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 5:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  So wait, how do you, do they like ultrasound them, like break them up? And then you piss them out or something?

• 5:40Tom Segura?

  No, they were too big for that. So I, dude, I was up at JFL in Montreal and I was up for the Nasty Show for a week. And the final night, we had like this big taping, like an hour and a half before the taping, I got kidney stones. And I'm on the floor in my hotel like, huh, huh, just screaming, Googling like stomach pain. Why hurting hell? Not knowing what to do. And then it came in like these waves. So it went away, did the taping, and that was great. And then it came back and I went to the hospital in fucking Montreal and it was terrible. It's like, dude, there, everyone that's like free healthcare, other country, Canada, amazing. You'd, because what it is, is, you know, like their system's over jammed

• 6:22Tom Segura?

  because of this population explosion, which I have found is a better way of saying immigration problem.

• 6:31Tom Segura?

  So it was horrific, dude. I ended up getting up and leaving, like in all this pain. Came to the States, got helped out right away. I'm in the, they immediately put me in a wheelchair. I'm like screaming in pain. I'm like, oh, USA, USA.

• 6:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, did you like just drive over the border or did you fly home?

• 6:48Tom Segura?

  I got on a plane, man.

• 6:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  With kidney stones?

• 6:51Tom Segura?

  It was crazy, crazy.

• 6:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  How did you deal with the pain? Did you have anything?

• 6:55Tom Segura?

  It was like horrific. No, I'm sober. So I like couldn't, just doing like Tylenol.

• 7:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I hear it's horrendous.

• 7:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Well, gout is horrific. And then gout makes you more susceptible to kidney stone. So I got kidney stone. But it was from a lack of water. Oh, I brought myself a water.

• 7:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think it's from eating Domino's pizza once a day and then drinking wine and then smoking cigarettes for the rest of your day? Because I've been doing that for a little bit.

• 7:22Tom Segura?

  Can I tell you, that's actually the cure. So you're gonna be fine.

• 7:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 7:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, you're gonna be good. Just drink water. Water is so important. I forget to drink water. I only drink iced coffee and I'm like, that's a liquid. Yeah.

• 7:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, so how do they get them out? And then I gotta play this and then we got so many things to go through.

• 7:38Tom Segura?

  I had surgery, I had this procedure. So I went in, I was in and out of the hospital. I went in, put me under and they go through your urethra, up my ureter, your ureter. And I'd have a stent in my bladder, my ureter and my kidney stone. It was like this long, crazy.

• 7:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  And they take it out, that stent?

• 7:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I had it for like a week. I had to go back. They had to take it out. So I was under for the surgery and they told me, the anesthesiologist was like, you're pretty spicy. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, you've tried to fight us. I wouldn't, I had like a high tolerance. I wouldn't go under with the anesthesia. And when they tried to give me more, I grabbed them and was like, don't put it in me.

• 8:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hilarious. Well, I'm glad you did that because you, I heard pissing them out. And naturally, it's just the worst. Okay, hold on. Okay, is it, are you ready for the opening clip? We got, we got so much to get into. It's so important that we go. Okay, speaking of single.

• 8:33Speaker 04

  Look her in the eye and say, I think it's time for a vacation.

• 8:36Tom Segura?

  I love this guy.

• 8:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 8:39Speaker 04

  And she says, really? Or responds, say, we're gonna go to Pound Town.

• 8:44Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah, we are.

• 8:45Speaker 04

  And I'm gonna make sure you're coming.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  Don't bring anyone mothering to this. Your mama in the fucking stand!

• 8:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 9:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  In Fire Dance.

• 9:05Tom Segura?

  Queen.

• 9:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. Okay.

• 9:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

• 9:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is really crazy.

• 9:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 9:21Tom Segura?

  When you're in the carpool line, something to do.

• 9:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude.

• 9:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on.

• 9:29Tom Segura?

  And also, a fun thing to do is you don't even have to have sex. You can do a pleasure play with each other.

• 9:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm gonna throw up.

• 9:35Tom Segura?

  Make out, make, oh, you're gonna pee, is that bad?

• 9:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I just. Leisure play. It sounds like something the cowboy would say.

• 9:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know, I shouldn't have said it.

• 9:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's horrible.

• 9:42Tom Segura?

  I don't know why I said it.

• 9:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, this one's my favorite. It's portable and discreet, ideal for travel. It's ideal for travel.

• 9:48Tom Segura?

  Perfect. Yeah.

• 9:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, anyway, would you bang the horny cowboy?

• 9:52Tom Segura?

  No, but I take his advice. I've sent his videos to people and been like, he's right, it is time for Taco Tuesday.

• 10:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  And that gets you laid?

• 10:01Tom Segura?

  Huh? No!

• 10:04Tom Segura?

  It's never worked.

• 10:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I just like to send them and upset people?

• 10:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, cool. Okay, so.

• 10:10Tom Segura?

  Yeah, this guy's invaded. Everyone's like, it's weird how these people start invading people's feeds.

• 10:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, well, yeah. I, I, I, every single clip makes me wanna throw up even more. Like, I don't understand. Like, are people really using these tips? Is this really working with some woman? It's gotta be working for him on some level, right?

• 10:31Tom Segura?

  Well, I mean, do you think it's working with his wife? Like, do you think she's like, these are good idea? What if she's the one telling him to do this? Someone's gotta be filming it?

• 10:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's like, you're so hot, babe. Okay, what about this one? Here's another one.

• 10:46Speaker 05

  Gentlemen.

• 10:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Gentlemen.

• 10:48Speaker 05

  Honest answers. When you relieve yourself, do you grip it like tweezers?

• 10:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ugh.

• 10:54Speaker 05

  Do you grab it like it's a fire hose and lean into it?

• 10:59Speaker 05

  Do you free willy it? Or do you grip it like a broadsword?

• 11:05Speaker 05

  Let us know how you do it personally.

• 11:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  So that he's into dudes?

• 11:11Tom Segura?

  Is he?

• 11:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why is he soliciting dick-holding information if he's not looking for a dick?

• 11:17Tom Segura?

  No, maybe he's just unsure of how he should hold it. He's crowdsourcing.

• 11:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. What do you guys think? I mean, he's the horny cowboy. Sounds good.

• 11:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he's always on that.

• 11:30Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 11:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  It sounds gay as shit.

• 11:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but.

• 11:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not there's anything wrong with it.

• 11:34Tom Segura?

  You don't have to point at me and say that, all right? I'm taking back my gifts, you fucking whore. Get out of here. God damn it. I hope you end up with this fucking horny cowboy, all right? And then you and him make content together.

• 11:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  So lucky. Oh, my god.

• 11:48Tom Segura?

  Fellas, when you eat your chick's pussy, do you lick it like a taco or eat it with chopsticks, China style?

• 11:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, you guys, big YMH news.

• 12:01Tom Segura?

  Oh, boy.

• 12:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, let me find the drops before we go into this. Sorry, I am not as skilled as Tom.

• 12:07Tom Segura?

  No, you're killing it.

• 12:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  This thing. He really has the gift. Cool guys.

• 12:11Tom Segura?

  Hold on, wait. What if, okay, say you're hooking up with someone and they send you this as like a joke. That's fun.

• 12:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's great.

• 12:18Tom Segura?

  But no one's, I don't think people are sending this as like a, here's a good idea, you know?

• 12:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  This'll get her worked up.

• 12:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hope not. I mean, but he thinks he's clearly working somebody up.

• 12:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, he said, let us know. So he's not alone.

• 12:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a couple. No, it's, it's he and his wife.

• 12:33Tom Segura?

  I bet they swing. I bet they have like an only, I bet this is like a rejuvenation of their like dying marriage. I mean, here's the thing. People need, he should, there should, he, they, no one should see this.

• 12:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nobody. Why are swingers the grossest? Like, there's never been.

• 12:50Tom Segura?

  It's never hot people.

• 12:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's never hot.

• 12:52Tom Segura?

  It's never hot people. It's always two people that look like Bebop and Rocksteady from the Ninja Turtles. They're like, some woman that looks like she was birthed at a Renaissance fair. And then they're in my meet and greet line, meet and greet line, like, you wanna fuck my wife? We haven't washed our hair in six months and we have cat hair everywhere. I'm like, I'll come over to meet the cat, but I don't wanna fucking touch it.

• 13:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Same. What kind of cat? What are we talking?

• 13:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, show me your cat. Yeah. And then he's like, my wife's buzzy. I'm like, stop it, stop it. Have a family. It'll save you from this. Thank god.

• 13:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop, stop.

• 13:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 13:20Tom Segura?

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• 14:05Tom Segura?

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• 15:15Tom Segura?

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• 15:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, speaking of cool guys, the, like, one of our, uh, beloved cool guys, the coolest of the cool, you guys might remember these clips.

• 15:49Speaker 05

  Covid, you know, nineteen virus.

• 15:53Tom Segura?

  What is this?

• 15:53Speaker 05

  Don't do it, it's bad.

• 15:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Arguably my favorite, uh, cool guy out there, besides Robert Paul Champagne. So we've been following Tony Johns, uh, ladies' man, for the longest time, and he's in and out of jail, you know what I'm saying?

• 16:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 16:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's into trouble, so he was.

• 16:12Speaker 05

  Shit happened.

• 16:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit.

• 16:14Speaker 05

  Shit happened.

• 16:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was out of jail. Oh, here he is. Yeah, and he became a celebrity in, in this little town in, uh, New York State that he lived in, and we've had him on the show a few times. But anyway, so Cougar, give me the update on Tony Johns's life.

• 16:31Speaker 06

  Uh, so shortly after we did the live show with him, he, uh, got himself in some trouble. Uh, he violated a restraining order from his family.

• 16:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, right, I remember that.

• 16:44Speaker 06

  So he was in jail for a bit, and then he got out, and then, uh, that sort of kickstarted his, uh, homeless era.

• 16:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hmm.

• 16:51Speaker 06

  And while.

• 16:51Tom Segura?

  I like how you say era, like, it's like, yeah.

• 16:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, there's many. Oh, like a sassy one?

• 16:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in my homeless era.

• 16:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, so he was in his homeless era.

• 16:59Tom Segura?

  Clock it. Unchopped and cooked, which is what I don't get to do to my food.

• 17:07Tom Segura?

  That's crazy.

• 17:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Crazy, dude.

• 17:09Tom Segura?

  Homeless era, Jesus Christ.

• 17:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Homeless baddie, okay.

• 17:13Tom Segura?

  It's a joke.

• 17:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, so, so, so he was homeless?

• 17:15Speaker 06

  So he was in his homeless era, and, um, I guess he was, um, soliciting like a former girlfriend of his or friend.

• 17:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, he's always doing that.

• 17:25Speaker 06

  I'm not sure which end up.

• 17:26Tom Segura?

  You know, crazy Tony, always stalking his exes.

• 17:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he is.

• 17:30Tom Segura?

  Womp, womp. Does he?

• 17:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's his props. Yeah, he's always like going back.

• 17:34Tom Segura?

  And you guys like celebrate this guy?

• 17:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well.

• 17:37Tom Segura?

  What? Are you kidding me? What the fuck is this?

• 17:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where's his portrait?

• 17:42Tom Segura?

  You're encouraging this.

• 17:43Speaker 06

  Retired his portrait.

• 17:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, he retired his portrait. Yeah, of course.

• 17:45Tom Segura?

  You're making an abusive stalker feel like he's a celebrity.

• 17:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, because, he's, okay, first of all, first of all.

• 17:52Tom Segura?

  Get to it and have a content house with all these unwell people and just move them down here and film them all the time? Can we just get, that's the endgame?

• 18:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, it is, and I agree with you, and we've tried. You know how hard it is just to get these fools on the phone? Just to get them to answer a phone call?

• 18:08Tom Segura?

  Pay their Boost Mobile. What are you talking about? They got Cricket.

• 18:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, it would take Josh Zolo like 30 tries to get Tony Johns on, right?

• 18:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we got him out here, though, that one time. We did the dating show. It was great.

• 18:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was, he was in, he was.

• 18:21Tom Segura?

  Well, that's good. You're opening him up to other innocent women. That's fantastic. You're unleashing a sex creep on the population. This is great.

• 18:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, he's more than that, okay?

• 18:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's good.

• 18:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  We know him better than most. He's, I think Tony's a good boy. He just had a rough upbringing, and we're trying to help him.

• 18:40Tom Segura?

  This is how every episode of Cops ends.

• 18:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, no.

• 18:43Tom Segura?

  You don't know him like I know him. He's a good man.

• 18:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  He doesn't hit me that often.

• 18:47Tom Segura?

  He's a good man.

• 18:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, he's a worker. Okay, wait, so hold on. So, so now, so restraining order on the girlfriend, he was talking to the girlfriend.

• 18:53Speaker 06

  Yeah, I guess he was like trying to get out of his homeless era via her. And she filed a restraining order against him. He violated that and then one thing led to another.

• 19:05Tom Segura?

  What's a pimp supposed to do? You gotta hit a violation.

• 19:08Speaker 06

  He's been locked up since last December.

• 19:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, poor guy.

• 19:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, but he likes jail, remember? He was saying that he-

• 19:14Tom Segura?

  Yeah, cuz he gets a hot, three hots and a cot.

• 19:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 19:17Tom Segura?

  That's his home. He gets a place to stay.

• 19:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then the last time, remember when Steph Tolev was on here?

• 19:23Speaker 05

  Putting down my, uh, my gel pants and I just started stroking it and she like stopped, looked in my window and she, oh, I'll be real, she like licked her lips. I'm like, oh, fuck, yeah.

• 19:31Tom Segura?

  That's fucking hot.

• 19:32Speaker 05

  I was just-

• 19:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  He was telling us-

• 19:35Tom Segura?

  You were interacting with him when she was here?

• 19:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, we had got him on the phone for once and Steph was in your seat and then he was like, you know, one of these female guards, they're so horny for me and, uh, I've looked at, did he say like he whipped out his dick and started stroking it? And she was so hot and like the, the guard lady liked it and we're like, that's so fifth grade dude or sixth grade.

• 19:56Speaker 05

  He was telling us why he got fired from Walmart.

• 19:59Tom Segura?

  Why did he get fired from Walmart?

• 20:00Speaker 05

  Because he whipped out his dick.

• 20:02Tom Segura?

  Well, he's just being a good Walmart greeter. Like, what do you want?

• 20:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got a big unit too.

• 20:08Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 20:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I don't know where-

• 20:09Tom Segura?

  Oh, that's why he keeps making mistakes. All his brain blood goes to his fat, big cock.

• 20:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got a huge one.

• 20:15Tom Segura?

  Really?

• 20:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, he sent us, didn't he send us?

• 20:18Tom Segura?

  You lose it, so.

• 20:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's got a hu- oh, here's the dating game that we did with Tony. Tony John's a long time ago.

• 20:25Tom Segura?

  My god.

• 20:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Now, he came and he looked really nice. He had the, his best pair of headphones around his neck and he smelled great. Oh, my god, there he is. What a treasure.

• 20:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's amazing. He was so sweet to us and he was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to Tom and Christine. This is the greatest thing. He was really stoked to be here. I like him.

• 20:44Tom Segura?

  He looks like what would be inside the suitcase in Pulp Fiction when he woke up. Just like the gold emanating off of him.

• 20:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, he sparkles.

• 20:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, shouts out to Tony John's. So is that the update? Since he's just been in jail, is he gonna get out anytime soon?

• 20:59Speaker 05

  He gets out in February, but I think a lot of people were wondering just what happened to him, if he was alive.

• 21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yes, of course.

• 21:06Tom Segura?

  You can't get him on the phone in jail?

• 21:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 21:09Speaker 05

  I mean, we could try.

• 21:10Tom Segura?

  I mean, you haven't tried?

• 21:13Speaker 05

  Let's give him a call.

• 21:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Try.

• 21:15Tom Segura?

  Call him up.

• 21:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's up Christina? Heard you're newly single.

• 21:19Tom Segura?

  So wait, did he find a lover from your dating show?

• 21:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 21:24Tom Segura?

  How'd that go?

• 21:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, which one? Which girl? Her?

• 21:29Speaker 05

  Her, yeah.

• 21:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, did they go, like, did they have a great time? I think she had a great time with him.

• 21:33Speaker 05

  They had a great time. He loved that she was super tall.

• 21:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, yes, that's right.

• 21:38Speaker 05

  Kept calling her a tall glass of water or whatever.

• 21:40Tom Segura?

  That's nice. And she could look past all of his, um, illnesses?

• 21:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  There's someone for everybody.

• 21:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, she really, she really was into him. It was crazy.

• 21:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 21:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was crazy. Okay, so that's one update. And then you guys remember this guy, he opened up,

• 22:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  um, sorry. I'm just, it's cuz what happens is like, when you see talent and you know that it's real, like, you're gonna see this and you're gonna be like, nuh-uh, dude, how? Okay, like, it's that, just, um, just here.

• 22:13Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 22:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Listen to this.

• 22:15Tom Segura?

  Oh, I love this guy. Is he still alive? Oh, my god.

• 22:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's so good, isn't it?

• 22:22Tom Segura?

  Do you think that's how he eats pussy?

• 22:29Tom Segura?

  I mean, this would have been me if I was born in the seventies and I didn't have like the internet. I would just learn how to whistle.

• 22:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  To get on TV, whatever afternoon show he's on. Or is he whistling in church? Where is he? I don't know.

• 22:41Tom Segura?

  I mean, that is talent.

• 22:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  It is talent. So a lot of people too were wondering what's up with the whistling guy.

• 22:47Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 22:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  And here he is now. Here we go.

• 22:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow.

• 23:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, that's so beautiful. I'm gonna save the rest for later.

• 23:05Tom Segura?

  I mean, I hear ocean water behind him. It seems like he's figured it out.

• 23:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure he's figured out.

• 23:10Tom Segura?

  Santa Claus in the off season, just whistling by the waves.

• 23:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  And his beard is so healthy. It's a really nice shiny beard. He looks like he's got a nice tan. You're right. Sounds like he's by the water. He's probably in the Hamptons or some-

• 23:22Tom Segura?

  Do you know like an update on what he does in his life?

• 23:26Speaker 05

  This is all he does.

• 23:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is all he needs to do. What do you mean, is there anything he does? Isn't this enough?

• 23:32Tom Segura?

  Dude, he's figured it out. Why are we doing this?

• 23:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 23:35Tom Segura?

  I should just learn how to whistle by the sea and make that my life.

• 23:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not a bad idea. Or if you pick up the spoons, like, some people can play spoons and that's another talent.

• 23:44Tom Segura?

  I am so susceptible to late night ads when I'm alone in hotel rooms. I've bought wooden spoons to learn how to play and I brought two in case a friend wanted to learn with me.

• 23:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  You did not.

• 23:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert, they don't. Spoiler alert, you won't have any friends when you wanna play the wooden spoons.

• 24:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  So, so you like to buy things late night? That's cool, okay.

• 24:04Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I bought a harmonica recently. I could play the beginning of Piano Man.

• 24:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Harmonica is, well, let's see, what is the worst instrument? What's that one that goes wow, wow, wow, wow, that people put in their mouth? You know, like hillbillies do it on porches and stuff? Wow, wow, wow. Whatever that thing is sucks a lot, but then second is harmonica.

• 24:25Tom Segura?

  You don't like harmonica?

• 24:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's terrible. Doesn't it sound terrible?

• 24:29Tom Segura?

  No. A well, a well-played harmonica sounds great. Are you kidding me? Okay, so you tell me you don't like Blues Traveler?

• 24:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hate it.

• 24:37Tom Segura?

  What?

• 24:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Would rather die.

• 24:38Tom Segura?

  Why?

• 24:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because I like weirdo. I'm like, I'm a goth girl. I just, it's not, it's not my lane.

• 24:45Tom Segura?

  Like, the Cure with like a harmonica solo.

• 24:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I would fucking kill myself. Don't you dare. Don't you dare put that on me.

• 24:51Tom Segura?

  Outside your house, like John Cusack, but instead of holding a stereo, I'm holding a harmonica playing to like Friday, I'm in love.

• 25:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, it is not called a Jew's harp.

• 25:03Speaker 05

  That's what it's called.

• 25:05Tom Segura?

  It's a jaw harp, you anti Semite.

• 25:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  But it says Jew's harp.

• 25:08Tom Segura?

  No, it says jaw. Jaw. Whoa, it says Jew's harp. Oh, my god. Do you know what they call a cash register? A Jewish piano.

• 25:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's really funny.

• 25:24Tom Segura?

  They all know how to play it.

• 25:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this looks horrible. You see that guy in the, in the fur hat, like, listening to that horse shit?

• 25:31Tom Segura?

  Well, he's just doing that to warm up his Mongolian throat singing.

• 25:36Tom Segura?

  I mean, this looks like old Victorian torture device.

• 25:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it looks like a vagina opener, like a clamp. Yeah, speculum, correct, yeah. If you've been watching for a while, you know my love for lipstick has only grown. Before I started Christina P Cosmetics, I doubted whether I could turn that love into products people would actually buy. Those doubts will always creep in when you're starting something new, but success is on the other side of that fear. And having the right support behind you makes a huge difference. Shopify is that support system for tons of brands and businesses you know and love, including ours here at YMH.

• 26:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not only did I turn to them when I started Christina P Cosmetics, our merch store here at YMH is powered by Shopify. They made building a storefront that actually feels like my brand seamless from start to finish. My favorite part about Shopify is I have an app and it notifies me in real time. If I made a sale, I can go in and just see what's going on. Shopify houses everything you need to get your business up and running all in one place. With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business, so go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/ YMH. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/ YMH. That's Shopify.com/ YMH.

• 26:56Speaker 01

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• 27:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, anyway, I know you're into buying stuff. Tell me if you'd purchase this.

• 27:34Tom Segura?

  Oh, I need this for my kidney stone. Yeah, when I got out of surgery, I was pissing blood everywhere because it, my, my, um, urethra was, you know.

• 27:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shredded up.

• 27:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's ready for reuse.

• 27:50Tom Segura?

  Now, do you think this is real or this guy's like farming content?

• 27:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 27:54Tom Segura?

  And I love how he calls it a gadget.

• 27:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel this is real, right? I feel like we have a good sniffer for-

• 28:00Tom Segura?

  Bring them down to the YMH content house.

• 28:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Could you imagine if we had all of them living together?

• 28:06Tom Segura?

  Why have you not done that? They need places to live.

• 28:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  We cannot get a hold of these people.

• 28:11Tom Segura?

  Once you do, you need to have them in a Y, it's literally your mom's house of crazies. That's what it needs to be. You need to have these people coexisting.

• 28:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, but they would burn the house down in like a day. It wouldn't last.

• 28:24Tom Segura?

  Well, you're not gonna give them fire. Don't give them access to fire.

• 28:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they're all like blind and mentally ill and, you know.

• 28:32Tom Segura?

  You're exploiting them already. You might as well give them a place to live.

• 28:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  We do not exploit. We celebrate. That's a fucking big difference, okay?

• 28:39Tom Segura?

  Celebrate them in, in, in a house. I would love to see Tommy Tuss move or Tommy Two Time or what's his name, Tommy Leprechaun, hold this piss.

• 28:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tony John, say his fucking name right. God, show some respect.

• 28:52Tom Segura?

  Answered Cowboy Guy, how you're supposed to piss, okay? It all comes together.

• 28:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, synergy.

• 28:58Tom Segura?

  Yes. Yes. These people just need to find each other to find their purpose.

• 29:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're right. And you know what? You should live with them too. I think they need like, like a sober house. Like, didn't Dr. Drew, didn't, didn't like-

• 29:12Tom Segura?

  I'll be the, I'll be the crazy house, house manager.

• 29:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're like the, what is it when you live in a dorm? Yeah, the RA.

• 29:18Tom Segura?

  The RA.

• 29:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 29:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you help them. Could you imagine? And you would never sleep. It would be like a house-

• 29:27Tom Segura?

  I don't anyway.

• 29:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true. A house of toddlers. Like, Ian, come look at my new piss thing that I made.

• 29:33Tom Segura?

  And you're mommy. You're the mom. I'm the RA. This is, yeah. And then we give them tasks and teach them how to be like regular humans. It'll be great, dude.

• 29:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I-

• 29:44Tom Segura?

  I lived in a halfway house for two years. I got the, I got the, I know how to handle this. You know these people. Yes, we'll elect one of them a comptroller. And then they'll get in trouble for bringing girls back late at night and have to lose their privileges. Ha ha, not me.

• 29:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, what kind of task do you think Tony Johns could do? Like, could you say, Tony, mow the lawn?

• 30:05Tom Segura?

  Tony, mow the lawn and you will have an allowance, but it'll get taken away if you whip your cock out in public. They need consequences.

• 30:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's true. That's true.

• 30:15Tom Segura?

  Or you could put him in jail, but unless you reform these guys, they're never gonna learn.

• 30:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a really good point. That's a really good point. You need to help these fools.

• 30:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 30:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 30:25Tom Segura?

  It's a great idea.

• 30:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's a really good idea. Okay. And then I want to show you this clip.

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it'll be a good idea to have like, you know, all your like, young hot girl staff around all these predators too.

• 30:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  They love him.

• 30:37Tom Segura?

  They're just all Tanner.

• 30:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop.

• 30:40Tom Segura?

  How do I piss? I use Tanner to hold it.

• 30:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 30:43Tom Segura?

  I love you Tanner.

• 30:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let me tell you something. Every time I've met one of these cool guys, they're so nice and respectful.

• 30:49Tom Segura?

  So what do you think is a disconnect between, nice, between their internet presence and their like, real, what? Maybe they're cool and nice to you because they think they can get something. And then when they're out in the wild, they're just like, feral in who they are.

• 31:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you're right. Like, maybe because I'm, they, they see me as like a lady, like a lady that gives them money and, and treats and stuff.

• 31:09Tom Segura?

  And like, all these cameras and they're finally getting the thing they want. And they think, why, if I keep acting this way, I'll be on camera more.

• 31:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's true. No, you're right. You're right. I gotta, you know what I gotta do? I gotta visit him in jail.

• 31:20Tom Segura?

  Oh, sorry, sorry.

• 31:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  I have to go visit Tony Johns.

• 31:25Tom Segura?

  Dude, what if you and Tony Johns started a relationship and had conjugal visits? Like, you'll do, you'll do the prison pod. And it's you on a phone and him on a phone, and you guys are just chopping it up. That's, I mean, let's go.

• 31:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  He'd be like, oh Christine, I'm so horny for you right now.

• 31:43Tom Segura?

  Oh Christine, can you put on a cross guard uniform? Or wait, oh, a security guard uniform.

• 31:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, that's funny you mention this because this, this will come in handy when I visit Tony. The perfect spy blowjob. That's one of the most important skill any woman can have. There are like many, many techniques, but one of the most important is deep throat technique is one of the most desirable thing any man want to have.

• 32:08Tom Segura?

  Oh wow. Hey, thanks for the newsflash, idiot. What is this, new information? We all grew up on Heather eye deep throat. We know the score.

• 32:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I, hey, but Ian, I did not. I'm from the eighties. I watched consensual, old school, full bush pornography. I didn't-

• 32:26Tom Segura?

  And they didn't deep throat?

• 32:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah, there was one Linda Lovelace.

• 32:29Tom Segura?

  Probably because they didn't want the bush in their nose.

• 32:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, but there was like the movie Deep Throat. That's what I had heard about. But then the common stuff in the eighties, like, you didn't see people getting throat fucked. At least the wholesome pornography that Duncan Trust and I grew up on, we talked about it on that episode. So no, this is news to me. This is news to me.

• 32:48Tom Segura?

  Some of it's just too violent.

• 32:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that what you're saying? You think it's too violent?

• 32:52Tom Segura?

  Yeah. The porn that's, and then everybody thinks that that's like what sex is, and it's not, you know? It's like, sex is like pro wrestling. It's like a caricature of like what a thing is. It's real, but like, you also shouldn't try to like, you know, like, tombstone pole driver your friend in the backyard and like throat fucking choke a girl on a first date, you know? It's like, but people don't know that. They just, they, all this shit's like poisoning our brain, yeah.

• 33:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I mean, or it sounds like a great Friday night. Let me listen to what she's got to fucking say. I gotta, I gotta learn this stuff. How do I fucking, oh, fuck shit.

• 33:25Tom Segura?

  That's so funny that you're learning about sex stuff from like a Russian spy. So you're gonna like, end up doing this and then like get, and you're like, okay, so I deep throat a guy and then I ask him about his-

• 33:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, sorry, I fucked it up. Even like plastic dildo because- Okay, sorry. Let's reset. Okay. Yeah, but Ian, here's the thing. I, the last time I was single, girls could have pubes, like 2005, bro. That's when I started dating Tom Segura. So like, I've gotta do stuff, like I heard I have to wax my B-hole and my whole vag. I can't have any pubes. And now I have to get throat fucked. This is what I'm learning.

• 33:59Tom Segura?

  You can have whatever you want.

• 34:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know that, Ian, but I'm learning about the wilderness before I go out into it.

• 34:06Tom Segura?

  I mean, wax your butthole, obviously, you know?

• 34:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you done it?

• 34:11Tom Segura?

  You can have pubes, but I, see, I like pubes above, not on, you know?

• 34:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you wax your B-hole?

• 34:16Tom Segura?

  Um, no, but I've shaved it.

• 34:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, then how can you expect someone else to wax their B-hole?

• 34:21Tom Segura?

  Well, I'm a hypocrite.

• 34:26Tom Segura?

  No, live your best life. Do whatever you want, you know? You can have preferences. It doesn't mean it has to be like something you have to do.

• 34:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm just learning. Look, I'm just like, okay, play, play the clip. We gotta have, we gotta be educated. I gotta do my research on this. Can be painful for your throat. There are techniques to learn before doing that because otherwise your husband would hate it. So when you do it, try it maybe at least on banana, even like plastic dildo because like, before performing on human body. Because it can be really painful. So it has to go on top of your mouth. And at the same time, you do like, breathe in. It's on top of your mouth.

• 35:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then you swallow it. And also your head has to be like 90 degrees angle. Otherwise, if you do like any other angle, it will be painful for you.

• 35:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah. And also if you're a guy like me, wear a hat because if they look down to your bald spot, you're not gonna be able to deep throat a soft penis, okay? I, also, I love how they play the classical music like it's churching up the conversation, you know? It's like, yeah, I always play Mozart when I have anal. It just makes it a lot softer, you know? Put some elegance to it.

• 35:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  She has to be elegant, yeah. She's a classy lady, but should I-

• 35:33Tom Segura?

  What does this have to do with spying?

• 35:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because, oh, because this is what like the Red Swallows, you ever see that movie? Like the CIA, right? Is this Russian KGB shit or is this CIA shit?

• 35:42Tom Segura?

  Ideological sub, subversion.

• 35:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  You have to learn like when they, um, it's called a honeypot, right? When you like seduce your mark.

• 35:49Tom Segura?

  Oh, Erica Kirk?

• 35:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think so. Oh.

• 35:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was like, you know this person?

• 35:55Tom Segura?

  An MK alter at honeypot? Sorry. Can we just admit she was clearly MK alter? Like, there's something going on.

• 36:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  But can you imagine, like, I need to invest and buy a dildo to practice on before a human being? I, I mean, isn't that just too much? Have you ever done something like that? Like you practiced and bought stuff?

• 36:15Tom Segura?

  We're talking about practice.

• 36:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Talking about practice. Not, not a game.

• 36:19Tom Segura?

  Not even a game. We're talking about practice. Yeah, but you could also find someone you're comfortable with and like do things together so you can get feedback because, yeah, you could suck a fucking dildo, but it's not gonna tell you easy on the teeth, you know?

• 36:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  There you go.

• 36:32Tom Segura?

  You gotta, you gotta have someone to give you feedback. You can do this with anyone. It's all about communication.

• 36:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're absolutely right. And I'm, I'll watch this video privately and take notes because it sounds like someone's anti-

• 36:45Tom Segura?

  I'm, I'm, I'm anti feeling like you have to. I am pro doing whatever you want.

• 36:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 36:52Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 36:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hear you. Do you want to, do you want to meet-

• 36:56Tom Segura?

  I'm getting some tude, dude. Well, I mean, all right, yeah, listen to this fucking mangled face Russian spy, Russian. She's not, she's Chinese. Like, well, they're related, but I-

• 37:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you know that Russians are just white Asians, right?

• 37:10Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, no, but I didn't put that together until I went to Kyrgyzstan. And I was like, oh dude, like my tribe is just, we're like white.

• 37:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 37:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  White Chinese.

• 37:20Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so weird. We just, but they're food's a little bit-

• 37:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, no, they're all in cahoots too.

• 37:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they're all in cahoots, yeah.

• 37:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, that's why they got us sending everything in Ukraine and Israel to deplete our shit. So then Russia and China can come together because you know, okay, sorry.

• 37:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you want to, do you want to meet some of my potential suitors?

• 37:33Tom Segura?

  I would love that.

• 37:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  We set up a hotline for, uh-

• 37:38Tom Segura?

  That's awesome.

• 37:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can you bring up the photo as I play the audio?

• 37:42Tom Segura?

  Well, you're doing a dating show, right?

• 37:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, Kim Congdon's dating show at the, um, mothership, August 19th.

• 37:49Tom Segura?

  I thought it was this week. I was so stoked. I was gonna do it. I was gonna win you.

• 37:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Oh, I wish. I thought it was this week too. I'm so sorry. I misled you. Okay, well, let's-

• 37:59Speaker 05

  So the photos are different than the voicemails.

• 38:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 38:01Speaker 05

  The, uh, some people texted in with their photo and then the voicemails or other submissions.

• 38:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, so just like, listen to these gents and tell me like who catches your fancy.

• 38:13Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 38:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 38:15Tom Segura?

  Are you, is this like-

• 38:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hold on, what is it?

• 38:18Tom Segura?

  Is this jokes? Are you legitimately like trying to find? Cause it'd be fun if you were on a date and then I was there and like, I could like help, help you out.

• 38:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is a great, when I'm ready to date, this is a great idea.

• 38:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah, like it could be like an in-practice joke. I could be in your ear like coaching you or helping you, or I could be there for like safety, you know?

• 38:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, we should do it. We should do a dating show for me, like, in 10 years when I'm ready to actually meet people. When I'm 67. Okay, so these, these are my submissions, submissions. Um, and I'm, I'm, I'm contemplating meeting one of these gentlemen. Yes, in real life.

• 38:54Tom Segura?

  Let's go.

• 38:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  So just, let's, let's hear it.

• 38:56Tom Segura?

  I can't wait.

• 38:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, here we go.

• 38:58Speaker 07

  Christina.

• 38:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 39:00Speaker 07

  Thank you so much for reading my message on your show. I'm so happy. And yes, I would love to eat your puss. I'm so happy that Duncan Trust will figure that out. He is very funny, man.

• 39:15Tom Segura?

  How'd you get a hold of my Uber driver?

• 39:16Speaker 07

  I also would love to eat your pussy.

• 39:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 39:20Speaker 07

  I will not eat your ass just like all the rest of the other men.

• 39:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:24Speaker 07

  But I love the pussy.

• 39:26Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 39:27Speaker 07

  And I love you too, mommy.

• 39:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Thank you.

• 39:29Speaker 07

  Keep it high and tight. Keep your head up.

• 39:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  He sounds safe. He sounds, he sounds safe. But can I just say, like, if you know that the competition is willing to eat my ass, and you're like, I'm not gonna lick your ass, fuck you. You know what I mean?

• 39:44Tom Segura?

  You don't want a guy who's different?

• 39:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, like, if my, like I'm saying, like, he's competing for courtship of me.

• 39:52Tom Segura?

  But he's gotta go above and beyond. So he's like, I'll, you sit on my face and I'll eat your ass while we listen to Morrissey.

• 39:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  That'd be great. That's a different, but that's not the offer I got.

• 40:00Tom Segura?

  Please, please, please, let me eat your ass. Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time or the last time.

• 40:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I didn't like his tude. It feels entitled. Like, you know, my ass is pretty great. I don't think there's anything wrong.

• 40:17Tom Segura?

  It's like the Holy Grail.

• 40:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what are you talking about? You're not gonna lick my ass? Fuck you.

• 40:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right, next.

• 40:22Tom Segura?

  That was, he was kind of like an anti pick me.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  Look, let's just get down to business. Um, those jeans?

• 40:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:29Speaker 00

  I'll take them off. What you thinking about is, uh- Something and somewhere else, you know what I mean?

• 40:36Tom Segura?

  Well, this guy clearly needs the cowboy in his life. That's what I was gonna say.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  Get along. You feel what I'm saying?

• 40:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  I feel it.

• 40:48Speaker 00

  You know?

• 40:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  What? What? Tell me, you can tell me.

• 40:53Speaker 00

  We don't need to make this a whole committed thing.

• 40:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 40:56Speaker 00

  And then, you know?

• 41:00Tom Segura?

  I love a man who really takes advantage of the English lexicon.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  That's about it, man.

• 41:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's about it, man. I didn't hear that.

• 41:08Speaker 00

  Be back, girl.

• 41:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. I'm just, I'm gonna say pass on this gentleman too. Go ahead and delete that one.

• 41:15Tom Segura?

  I agree.

• 41:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. All right, here we go.

• 41:17Speaker 00

  Christina, I'm just checking in from my hotel room.

• 41:22Tom Segura?

  I love how these, you've like, you've, this is an aggregate for all of our sleep paralysis demons into like one phone. This is crazy. This is crazy.

• 41:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  What do you mean?

• 41:32Tom Segura?

  Christina.

• 41:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is my life. This is why.

• 41:35Tom Segura?

  I'm waiting in the top quarter of the bedroom and my head's gonna spin around. What is happening?

• 41:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm so afraid to open my DMs. It's been a while. Like, I'm a little scared.

• 41:46Tom Segura?

  Well, good. This is good. You shouldn't be farming in DMs.

• 41:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, but we didn't even listen. Okay, just listen to what he has to say. God.

• 41:55Tom Segura?

  Sorry, sorry, sorry.

• 41:57Speaker 00

  Christina.

• 41:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah, play that again.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  Checking in from my hotel room.

• 42:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:02Speaker 00

  I'm watching the party. I'm seeing your mommy. And, uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna shoot my shot from the east coast all the way across the country to California.

• 42:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't even let me go. He's not really a fan. Yeah.

• 42:20Speaker 00

  Nah, I'm just giving this message to make you laugh. And, uh, love the show. Long time listener.

• 42:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not really. We moved to Texas like.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  Praying for you.

• 42:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Six years ago.

• 42:30Tom Segura?

  Bring God into this.

• 42:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do not bring God into this.

• 42:33Speaker 00

  All right. Take care. Good night.

• 42:34Tom Segura?

  Are you religious?

• 42:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm like, I believe in orbs and aliens and shit, but I don't believe like a specific kind of God.

• 42:42Tom Segura?

  Well, I think if you convert to Islam, that would help your dating life, because I think you get fucked a lot, because you'd be face down, ass up, five times a day.

• 42:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, there's not a lot of blondes in that community too. I could probably clean up.

• 42:55Tom Segura?

  Well, you don't know, they're covered up.

• 42:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't wanna cover up though.

• 43:00Tom Segura?

  And you shouldn't have to.

• 43:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I shouldn't have to. I just got these new tits and everything.

• 43:04Tom Segura?

  You got new tits?

• 43:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, when I had cancer, they, they made new tits for me. You didn't know that?

• 43:08Tom Segura?

  No.

• 43:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fully new, new, yeah.

• 43:10Tom Segura?

  I don't have to believe it, honey.

• 43:14Tom Segura?

  Sorry, I was speaking in phone call.

• 43:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right, we're not even done. Should, should, okay, let me, let's go to some photos, because we got, we gotta roll in a bit here. Um, here's Chris. Oh, he's cute. Can you read it?

• 43:32Tom Segura?

  He's like if Cousin It had a face.

• 43:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop.

• 43:34Tom Segura?

  Sorry.

• 43:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I like him. He's got a beard. He looks like he's, he's got a car.

• 43:38Tom Segura?

  Mechanical engineer.

• 43:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Smart. No kids, never been married.

• 43:43Tom Segura?

  Nice.

• 43:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's forty, he's six foot four, not bad. Chris, okay. All right, put Chris to the side.

• 43:48Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 43:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is it swipe right on Chris?

• 43:51Tom Segura?

  Swipe right on Chris. But.

• 43:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know. I don't know. Not, it's like, he's friendly and I like that. I just wish he would have washed his hair for the.

• 44:01Tom Segura?

  I was gonna say, I wish he dried his hair.

• 44:04Tom Segura?

  Either way, don't show up wet.

• 44:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, don't, maybe just don't, yeah. Yeah.

• 44:10Tom Segura?

  You're the one that's supposed to be wet, not him.

• 44:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, exactly. I mean, again, I think he's a fine, attractive gentleman, but just like, the hair thing, that's gonna bother me.

• 44:19Tom Segura?

  Okay, and he is taking this picture in a college dorm. Where is he? Okay? You ever get fucked in a room made out of cinder block? I mean, what is happening?

• 44:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, oh, let's plug this before we go on to the next segment. Um, Ian Dew, which is your podcast produced by us.

• 44:37Tom Segura?

  Travel show.

• 44:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 44:38Tom Segura?

  Youtube, on Youtube, produced by you guys. You guys are the best. I go to different towns. People teach me how to do their jobs. The episode coming out next. I did a two day shoot with AEW All Elite Wrestling. The first day I did behind the scenes, I built the ring, did makeup, did costuming. The next day, they put me in a costume. I had tassels, my name on the back of my little bikini bottoms, kneepads. I got chokeslammed by a six foot four female wrestler, ran the ropes. It was the best. They gave me an intro. I cut promos. It was the best Make-A-Wish ever. Having the time of my life. Youtube.com/ianfydancecomedy. Every other Tuesday, you guys, I couldn't be happier to be a part of the family.

• 45:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, we love you. And then to see Ian live, go to ianfidance.com. Fidance, not Fidance.

• 45:24Tom Segura?

  No.

• 45:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fidance. Yeah, that's good.

• 45:26Tom Segura?

  I'm going all over on the road every weekend until the end of the year. Come, uh, hear a joke, have a smoke.

• 45:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Great.

• 45:31Tom Segura?

  We'll have some fun on the road.

• 45:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I like that, right? Okay, let me do some TikToks and then I gotta go get my kid from school today. Okay, are you ready?

• 45:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, I fucking love these shits, dude. These are my favorites.

• 45:46Tom Segura?

  I've seen this.

• 45:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 45:51Tom Segura?

  Oh, I wanna kiss him.

• 45:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  What a fucking psycho.

• 46:00Tom Segura?

  Is this a Russian woman that teaches you how to deep throat?

• 46:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, it's beautiful.

• 46:08Tom Segura?

  Beautiful.

• 46:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  So dangerous, though. Maybe not a great pet idea, right?

• 46:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I mean, I don't know, but like, like, um, tigers or like leopards could be like pets, because they've never attacked humans.

• 46:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, that's, that can't be true.

• 46:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, never. You'd never, you know, all, all times.

• 46:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 46:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know this empirically.

• 46:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's, there's no way that's accurate.

• 46:39Tom Segura?

  Idiot.

• 46:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay. Yeah, but I always love these Russians that collect volatile pets. That's like the best.

• 46:47Tom Segura?

  They give a bear a house.

• 46:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what are you doing, dude?

• 46:49Tom Segura?

  With pictures of it, and then they feed it porridge. It's incredible. Don't you, you don't want that, though?

• 46:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. No, I, what, I, no, no.

• 46:58Tom Segura?

  Why? Are you a pet person?

• 47:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  A huge pet person. Cats. And I did have hamsters and they died, and I've had dogs and stuff. Panther chameleon, I got two.

• 47:08Tom Segura?

  What are their names?

• 47:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Munchkin and biscuit.

• 47:12Tom Segura?

  Oh, I love that.

• 47:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  You can come over.

• 47:14Tom Segura?

  I would love that. I love, I have Glenn and Samson. Glenn Danzig and Samson.

• 47:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  You've sent me pictures of them.

• 47:20Tom Segura?

  After the Regina Spector song. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Did you send me pictures of your cats?

• 47:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. We weren't, we weren't friends enough back then.

• 47:27Tom Segura?

  Okay. Have we gotten to the level where you reciprocate cat pics?

• 47:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, a total, I'll tote send it to you.

• 47:32Tom Segura?

  Thank you.

• 47:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, this is cool. Oh, this guy.

• 47:36Tom Segura?

  Boots the house down, bitch.

• 47:42Tom Segura?

  The music's perfect. It's Blackula.

• 47:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so good, dude. So this guy is like full Goth, uh, black queen, and he goes in like the supermarket and just likes models, but this is essentially what we did in the nineties, like when we were Goth, except it was not, like, this is just being Goth.

• 47:59Tom Segura?

  And a fucking Acme while some minimum, minimum wage worker has to restock the shelves and get in the shot and this queen get mad at him.

• 48:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's got a great outfit, and it's really hard to achieve a summer Goth look. Very difficult. And he's managed to do it here with the short shorts and the tuxedo jacket.

• 48:16Tom Segura?

  He's dressed up like from an era that he's going to a mansion party that he would not be allowed in.

• 48:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah. So cute. They're like, get out of here. Okay.

• 48:29Speaker 07

  Here is drinking a Dr. Pepper right in front of the Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas. Um, we all want to come to Waco, Texas, explore the Dr. Pepper Museum.

• 48:38Tom Segura?

  No.

• 48:39Speaker 07

  Um, Waco, Texas, nice, fun city. I like Waco, Texas. Um, so, um, let's, let's see, um, how this would turn out. I hope you'll consider coming to Waco, Texas, see the Dr. Pepper Museum. Here it is right there, and here we go.

• 48:54Tom Segura?

  That's the last living Branch Davidian from Waco.

• 49:00Tom Segura?

  He's the one that made it out of the shelter that didn't get killed by the ATF.

• 49:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, also, he's got one tooth left. You might.

• 49:08Tom Segura?

  Cause he's drinking all the Dr. Pepper?

• 49:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay.

• 49:11Speaker 07

  Texas?

• 49:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  But you said, he should.

• 49:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dr. Pepper. But don't you think you should go, switch to diet or sugar free?

• 49:21Tom Segura?

  I mean, whatever kills him faster.

• 49:24Tom Segura?

  Whatever gets him, I mean, this is crazy that these people exist and are everywhere.

• 49:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, I'll leave you on this one. This one made me laugh a lot this week.

• 49:35Speaker 05

  Love to show the texture and this wave pattern. Again, it looks like you went and got a blowjob at your, a blowout at your salon.

• 49:49Speaker 05

  And it looks beautiful.

• 49:53Speaker 05

  All right, so. We're having a huge beauty sale. Everything ships to you for free, but that goes away at the end of the day. I will remind you that this is a one-time-only price, where the price goes up at the end of the show.

• 50:07Tom Segura?

  Dude, the shape, it is so cute how they all are giggling and like, like, it's so fun.

• 50:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so good. And also, I imagine the audience is elderly, like, nobody caught that.

• 50:19Tom Segura?

  I think they're so elderly, they're not used to it, and it, like, makes them giggle too. I would.

• 50:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I would love that. No, I give them raises, this is fantastic. She should do this on everyone.

• 50:29Tom Segura?

  Give the raisins raises.

• 50:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Give the raisins raises.

• 50:32Tom Segura?

  That was so cute, I loved it so much. Her giggle and getting caught.

• 50:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  So good. I love you so much, thank you again for my lovely prezies. And, um, everybody watch Ian do.

• 50:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  And go see Ian do, uh, stand-up comedy life. I gotta go pick up my kids from fucking school in the middle of August. Um, thanks for being here, I love you.

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  Thank you for having me, I love you, I can't wait to, uh, come back and hang and we'll share cat pics and some playlists.

• 50:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, sounds good.

• 50:58Tom Segura?

  I can't wait to find out who you pick.

• 51:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  We'll see, we got a whole, a lot more coming, so we'll find out.

• 51:04Tom Segura?

  I love you so much, thank you.

• 51:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bye.

• 51:06Tom Segura?

  Bye.

• 51:13Speaker 07

  Y'all think this a game, huh? Well, y'all come to camera group. Come on, I don't care where you from. Bro, bitch, Apple losers, church boy. Come on, bring it to me.

• 51:30Speaker 07

  Beautiful.

• 51:33Speaker 07

  Uh-huh, her big ass.

• 51:40Speaker 07

  One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time. Ay, ay, ay. She got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, I'ma tell her draw low.

• 52:31Speaker 07

  Yeah, they got some booty over there, yeah, my boy. Yeah, doesn't matter if she young, oh, oh. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet, I want your feet. Yeah, I wanna eat your feet. Doesn't matter if she young, oh, oh. Uh-huh. One time, ay, ay, ay.

• 53:05Speaker 07

  Nina, how you doing, my baby? I've been alright, yeah, girl. Y'all got to play that music. When I, when I say I'ma make you feel like a woman, I'ma make you feel like a woman, straight up, be going high. My baby girl, when you gonna let me touch your ass? I promise you, it's church. Oh, yeah, my baby, it's church. My baby girl, I'ma make you feel good, baby. I promise you, in God eye. The way you been a new one like this, just give me one chance, please, my baby.

• 53:48Speaker 07

  Yeah, give me one chance, my baby girl. I wanna eat your ass, one time. Ay, ay, ay.

• 54:12Speaker 07

  One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time. Ay, ay, ay. She got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, I'ma tell her draw low.

• 54:37Speaker 07

  Well, come on, wait, show me.

• 54:43Speaker 07

  Yeah, be a woman, it's church.

• 55:02Speaker 07

  One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time. Ay, ay, ay. She got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, she got a little brick building. One time, I'ma tell her draw low.

• 55:37Speaker 07

  Yeah, my baby girl, Gabriel. I'm looking at you, girl. Yeah, you beautiful, baby. Yeah, they got some booty over there, yeah, my boy. I'm telling you, man, that booty gonna touch your chest. Now, listen to this. I'm gonna eat them little muzzlin' women draw. Yeah, I'ma smoke they draw. When I say I'ma smell your draw, when I'm laying down, I'ma smell your draw. Uh-huh. Nina, I bet you any kind of money, you can't put your booty in my face. And it doesn't matter if you got a small booty or a big booty. Guess what?

• 56:21Speaker 07

  You wanna swing out, you know how? I'll let the ball go, straight up, be a woman.

• 56:52Speaker 07

  When I get through with you, you not done back to your house. You gonna stay over here with me, straight up. I call it like I see it. Yeah, 'cause you ain't never had that feeling before, be a woman.

• 57:09Speaker 01

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• 57:17Speaker 01

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