Why Small Talk Should Be Banned & 9 Questions That Go Deeper

What does small talk do to our minds and our experiences? Small talk limits us from deep meaningful relationships, not just with others but with ourselves as well. How often do you go to an event and have the same conversation? You stop learning, you stop listening and leave feeling unsatisfied. The more genuine, authentic, vulnerable & empathetic discussions that we have, the deeper our relationships goes and the higher our quality of happiness. Text Jay Shetty 310-997-4177 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. Confidence isn't something Mazda finds, it's something they practice. That's the thinking behind every Mazda. With proactive safety features designed to help keep you more aware, more connected, and more engaged with the road ahead. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand

• 1:27Jay Shetty?

  and has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick+ Awards than any other car brand as of July 2026. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more. Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells... Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you.

• 2:12Jay Shetty?

  And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. Small talk actually limits us from deep, meaningful relationships. And here's the catch, not just with others, but with ourselves as well.

• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so grateful to be back with you for another episode in the month of December. I can't believe it's December already. This year has gone so fast. We launched the podcast in February this year. It's been a phenomenal year and I can't stop thanking you. And I'm sorry if you're bored of hearing me say it, but I'm going to thank you again because I'm so grateful to each and every one of you that downloads the podcast, that streams the podcast, whatever you do with podcasts. And I love that right now you're cooking, you're driving, you're walking your dog, you're at the gym, you're at all these places and you are finding a way to listen and finding a way to invest in yourself.

• 3:43Jay Shetty?

  It's not often that I get really, really excited about something, but this is genuinely one of those times. And I've never said that to you before. So we've been trying to build a deep relationship with each other. It started with these four minute videos and then you said, Jay, we need more of you. So we launched the podcast, which meant I was speaking to you for 30 minutes to an hour every single week. And we've got two amazing podcasts a week. And then I'm thinking, well, how do we go a step further? And so I found out from my friends that there's this new, really cool new thing that I've been trying out. It's called a community phone number, which means that you can actually text me. I'm being serious. So here's my number. I want you to write it down. Stop what you're doing right now and write this down. Three, one, zero, nine, nine, seven, four, one, seven, seven. I'll say it again.

• 4:25Jay Shetty?

  Three, one, zero, nine, nine, seven, four, one, seven, seven. You can text me right now. And the best thing about this is I can send you real time updates of where I'm at, what I'm thinking about, reflections I'm having, realizations, uh, pictures. And isn't it true that with friends, you want to text them, right? You don't email your friends. You don't just post it on Instagram and hope your friends see it. You text them when you want to share something. So I want to do that with all of you. So text me now. Three, one, zero, nine, nine, seven, four, one, seven, seven. I'm so happy and excited for this week's theme because we're living at a time where right now, you're probably getting invited to tons of holiday parties. You've got friends' parties, family parties. You've got, you know, events coming up. There's Christmas coming up. There's the new year coming up.

• 5:10Jay Shetty?

  It means you end up going to a lot of places, meeting a lot of people that you either don't know at all, or you either know very well. But here's the thing we have in common. We have something in common with people we know well, and we have something in common with people we don't know at all. We sometimes, sorry, let me take that back, rewind. We often resort to small talk. How often do you go to a family event? You've been going every single year. You go year after year after year, and you have the same conversation. Hey, how's your year going? Oh, it's gone so fast this year. Oh, the weather's been pretty bad recently. Oh, how's it going? What have you been up to? Right?

• 5:52Jay Shetty?

  How many of you revolve your conversations with people you've known year after year after year, whether it's friends and families, and get stuck in small talk? Or maybe you're going to a lot of parties where you're meeting new people, or you're getting introduced to new people. And even then, the normal questions are, so what do you do for work? Where did you grow up? How do you, you know, how do you, um, yeah, like, how do you know so and so, right? It's very, it's all based around this small talk. And what does that small talk do in our culture? What does that small talk do to our minds and our habits? I mean, how many of us love going out and having the same conversation night after night, after night, after night? I know I don't.

• 6:36Jay Shetty?

  I don't like having the same conversation again and again and again. And you're explaining the same thing again and again and again. And maybe if you're lucky, you recycle a joke or two as well. And you get bored of the joke by the third time you tell it, right? Or something funny or something witty. But small talk, actually, here's the thing. It limits us from deep, meaningful relationships. And here's the catch, not just with others, but with ourselves as well. Right? Small talk actually limits us from deep, meaningful relationships, not just with others, but with ourselves as well. Because when we keep saying the same thing that we already know, maybe if it's even rehearsed, maybe it's kind of part of the marketing of our company, whatever it is.

• 7:21Jay Shetty?

  When you keep saying the same thing, you don't learn anything new. Because all that's happening is someone's asking a question you've heard before. Your mind is going to a place in your mind that it's heard before, been before, finds the answer and repeats it. You don't create. You don't explore. You don't experiment. You don't flow. You don't get lost somewhere because you're asking the wrong questions and you're answering the wrong questions as well. So it doesn't just limit us from getting to know others. It limits us from getting to know ourselves. And here's the thing, right? When people ask us these questions, most of our responses, our emotional vocabulary is so limit, uh, so limited into these five responses.

• 8:05Jay Shetty?

  Pretty much, these are our five responses. Good, bad, okay, fine, hmm, right? Like, no matter what you ask, this is how you respond. Good, bad, okay, fine, hmm, right? Like, how was your day? Oh, it was good. How was your week? Fine. How are things going? Hmm, right? That's just generally how we connect and communicate and express ourselves. So the more we limit our emotional vocabulary, we're also limiting our emotional exploration or emotional intelligence. Oh, I like that emotional exploration. We're limiting our emotional exploration when we answer the same questions again and again and again. And we ask the same questions again and again and again.

• 8:48Jay Shetty?

  We learn very little, we listen even less because we've heard it before, and we leave the event not feeling great. How many times have you done that? You stop learning, you stop listening, and then you leave having felt like you got nothing from going out and spending three hours, four hours of your night at a dinner or a party that you didn't want to be at. Now, I'm sure you've had a lot of holiday parties to attend, or maybe you're just starting that process right now. And like I said, the conversations are in a few of these different places, and you feel you have the same conversation in a million places. But here's the science, and you know, I love talking about the science. And this is what I love about my book. So my book that's available for preorder right now, and it's coming out on the fourteenth of April next year in 2020.

• 9:33Jay Shetty?

  The book is full of relatable science that will really help you understand these concepts deeper. So a psychological science study with 20,000 people recorded that the happiest people's conversations had twice as many genuine and deep talks compared to unhappy people. Listen to that carefully. A study with over 20,000 people recorded the happiest people's conversations had twice as many genuine and deep talks compared to unhappy people. Small talk does not help build meaningful relationships. The more genuine, authentic, vulnerable, empathetic discussions that we have,

• 10:17Jay Shetty?

  the deeper our relationships goes and the higher our happiness goes. How many of us want to be happy? Of course we do, and we've all experienced this. Recently, I got to go to an incredible event hosted by Arthur Blank's Foundation. It was held in Montana at Arthur Blank's ranch where they have this incredible institute, the Blank Foundation, which is consistently creating spaces for thought leaders, creators, thinkers, policymakers, CEOs, entrepreneurs to have conversations about improving humanity. I mean, it's a beautiful, beautiful effort and I'm such a huge fan of not just the Blank Foundation, but Arthur Blank and how he is as a human being.

• 10:59Jay Shetty?

  And the whole event, the four days we were there were facilitated by Christian Berman from Irrational Labs, which is also a part of Dan O'Reilly's work. If you've ever read Predictably Irrational, one of my favorite books or anything like that, he's a phenomenal behavioral scientist. And what I loved is that all the dinners that we had at this event, and remember, there were creators, thinkers, celebrities, entrepreneurs, influencers, academics, researchers, all of these people at every dinner, we were not, and by the way, the food was amazing too, it was incredible. I was, I was, you know, I'm plant-based and the food they made was phenomenal. And all the dinners were not allowed to have small talk, right? There was literally no small talk allowed.

• 11:44Jay Shetty?

  And I was really impressed by that. I thought, wow, like, we could have spent four days there and not learned anything about each other, or actually, I've walked away with some really great friends from that event, one being Arthur Blank himself, who I'm so grateful for putting it all on. But also, two people we've had on the podcast, we had Laurie Santos on the podcast, I know you thought she was phenomenal, she's the Yale professor with the happiest class at Yale, and then we had Robert Waldinger from the Study of Harvard. So we've, and, and, oh, Dan Buettner as well, and Ben Leder from the Blue Zones, that was all there, I met all his friends and connections while I was there. And I think a big part of it is that small talk was banned, right?

• 12:26Jay Shetty?

  Small talk was not promoted, it wasn't something that was recommended. And so instead, we had these cards that are different spice levels in terms of, you know, three level of spice meant it's a tough question, a vulnerable question, one level of spice meant it's getting you started. And we had to answer these questions. Now, it may feel in the beginning, That it's a bit weird, right? You may say in the beginning like, oh, that's a bit strange. Like, I don't want to sit around, you know, answering random questions with people. It's a bit forward. If you remember the, there was in the New York Times a few years ago, there was an article saying the 26 questions that help you fall in love. And there were three sets of questions which deepen vulnerability.

• 13:10Jay Shetty?

  And supposedly, if you answer them on your first date, you are more likely to know if you love the other person or not. Now, maybe if you whip that out of your first date, your date's gonna probably walk away right there and then, because everyone's gonna be like, why am I gonna answer these 26 questions? I mean, it felt less inconvenient in a non-romantic setting. Obviously, no one, none of us was speed dating or anything like this at this event, so it felt more natural. So I'm not recommending you do this, but I am recommending you do this somehow. Figure it out, be smart about it. The point is, our conversations can either elevate us to deeper knowledge about each other, understanding, have more fun and reflection or not. And so, anyway, we had these questions at different spice levels, spice level one, spice level two, and spice level three.

• 13:53Jay Shetty?

  And remember, there's people aged probably 25 to 75 in the room. And again, researchers, celebrities, entrepreneurs, and policymakers. And these questions urged us in a certain direction. And I love this activity so much that I've been using those questions when we've had dinners at our home. I used this the other day when I was hosting the Streamy Social Good Awards. And I said, look, Irrational Labs came up with these amazing questions. I'd love to have you engage with them and use them. And people literally came up to me afterwards and said, Jay, thank you so much for doing that, because you got me to talk to someone I've never talked to about something I would never talk to them about. And I actually even exchanged my number with someone, and now we're gonna stay in touch because we connected so deeply. So I want you to give this a go, because I think we all know, and Robert Waldinger's

• 14:38Jay Shetty?

  75-year-old Harvard study shows us, that human relationships are the key, right? Human relationships are the key to our happiness in life. And sometimes we spend so much time with people, but we know so little about them.

• 14:59Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

• 15:42Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair.

• 16:27Jay Shetty?

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• 17:10Jay Shetty?

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• 17:32Jay Shetty?

  How much do you really know about the people you spend the most time with? Maybe a couple of friends who've been there for you for life, but so much family, work, people that we spend time with, maybe we can move in that direction. So it's up to you to experiment with this. So, so check this out. So these are questions to remove from events and things that you're going now. So I'm going to make you really aware of this. Number one, what do you do? It's potentially the most rehearsed answer because you've given it so many times. You don't give someone an opportunity to share something fresh about themselves and you're now defining them by what they do, right? Another one is where do you live? Usually it's not that fascinating. It's more interesting to know where they grew up. It's more interesting to know who they were friends with growing up. It's more interesting to know where they went to school, but still that, that still

• 18:17Jay Shetty?

  doesn't really give you that much. One of the worst ones of all time is how has the weather been or what do you think about the weather? You know, a weather conversation is probably the most go-to small talk, especially when you grew up in London, but it happens in LA and New York as well. And how was your journey here? I mean, what's, what is someone really gonna tell you about how interesting their journey was to that location that night? So those are questions to, you know, remove. And Harvard researchers found that deeper follow-up questions meant being more liked and felt like present. So not only do you build a deeper lesson, oh, sorry, a deeper relationship when you ask better questions, you also are more liked because people think you're generally curious. This isn't a technique, this is real.

• 19:01Jay Shetty?

  And people know that you're present. How many times do you ask a question like, what do you do or something and just switch off because you're, you're not fascinated by that? But if you ask a question you're fascinated by, you're going to be more curious. So that's the key of these questions. It's not just that hoping that you get asked these questions. It's also asking these questions because then you're going to be more curious and fascinated by the person you're speaking to. You're going to have more of a reason to listen to them and to learn from them. So this isn't just about being asked cooler questions. This is about getting to know people better, getting to know yourself better and being able to be fascinated and learn more. So I'm going to give you. Let me think, how many questions do I want to give you? I'm gonna give you nine.

• 19:47Jay Shetty?

  I'm gonna give you nine questions, right? Well, you knew that because the podcast is called that. So I'm gonna give you nine questions to ask people you know to take your relationship deeper, right? So it's why we should get rid of small talk and nine questions to go deeper. These are those nine. Here are the first three. That doesn't mean you have to ask them in this order. These are just some to get started and I'll explain to you why these are good questions and why they're such useful questions. Because this isn't just a random list of questions. These are questions picked up by rational labs based on behavioral science that help you be more vulnerable. So the first question, what was the last lie you told? Would you do it again? You can even answer it for yourself right now.

• 20:32Jay Shetty?

  What was the last lie you told? Would you do it again? Now, when I ask this question, we all tell lies. I think the truth is people tell seven to 10 lies in every conversation. It could be small lies, it can be big lies. Now, most of us are telling small, white lies, quick lies. Someone asks you, how do I look in this? Or how do you feel today? Or how's your day going? You know, it's things like that. It's not necessarily something huge. But if you ask yourself, what was the last lie you told? Why is this an interesting question? It shows you what you fear when you answer it, shows you what someone else fears. It allows that person to be vulnerable immediately about something small like, oh, I lied to my friend that I had a green juice, but actually I didn't. I had a, I had a chocolate fudge cake, right? That sounds like the kind of thing I would do, that kind of lie, right?

• 21:16Jay Shetty?

  So it's allowing that person to be vulnerable and open without exposing them too much, but without putting them in an uncomfortable situation. So I love that question. It's a great one to get started on. This second question is probably one of my favorite questions, and I think everyone should ask this to themselves. Even if no one asks you this one, ask it to yourself. If your younger self met you today, what would make them happy? And what would make them sad about you, right? If you met your younger self today, if you met yourself at 18 years old, what would make them happy? Right? And what would make them sad about you today? And I know I was answering this question recently. I had a dinner and I was playing this game with some of my friends, actually people I was getting to know.

• 22:01Jay Shetty?

  And I was saying that I think my younger self would be happy that I followed my passion. I followed my intuition. I've I've always tried to pursue my dreams and serve others. And so I think my younger self would be really proud and happy about that. But I think my younger self would be sad that I've been given so much spiritual opportunity and I don't think I made the most of it. I think I could have done more. I think I could be I think I could be pure. I think I could be cleansed. I think I could be healed. I think I could be of more service. I think I could be doing so much more based on the love and kindness I've received spiritually. And so I think my younger self would be slightly encouraging me to go back to that and to to work harder on that. So again, you're getting people to reflect on what they think of their strengths and their weaknesses.

• 22:44Jay Shetty?

  And it just sparks a beautiful conversation. Probably when I shared that, you felt of sharing something else. Now we're having a real conversation, a real exchange. So notice I'm answering these questions for you as well as we're going along. So this isn't just me telling you to do this exercise. I'm doing it with you. And the third question in the first section is what situations make you feel awkward and why? Right? And when you ask that question out loud, someone may say, this situation is awkward right now. You asking me this question is super awkward right now. Why are you doing this to me? So if someone says that to you, it's fine. Hopefully they're joking and then you can see the situation. So let me think. What situation makes me feel awkward and why?

• 23:26Jay Shetty?

  Let me think. That's a good question. When do I feel most awkward and why? By the way, I'm doing this in real time. I do not have the answer written here. I'm doing it with you. Hence, I'm having to think about it. So a situation that makes me feel awkward is when

• 23:45Jay Shetty?

  Someone wants to ask for something, but they're trying to ask about it in a roundabout way. Have you ever experienced that before? Someone wants something specific, but they're not telling you that, but they're trying to make it a roundabout way. That situation makes me feel really awkward when I know what they really want, but they're asking me a million different ways about the same thing. That really freaks me out. I know, it may not be the most awkward thing, but I definitely find it awkward. So that's, that's something that I find awkward. So those are the first three questions. Notice they weren't that hard to answer. They were revealing, but not too much. They were vulnerable, not too much, right? They get you going. So feel free to use any of those, any, any of those questions that you like. Tell me, which question did you like? One, two, or three? Let me know. And actually, if you are listening

• 24:28Jay Shetty?

  right now, you can text me what you thought was the answer. I'd love to be able to text you as well. So you can actually text me right now. Text me on plus one, three, one, zero, nine, nine, seven, four, one, seven, seven. That's plus one, three, one, zero, nine, nine, seven, four, one, seven, seven. So text me which of these questions you love while you're listening to the podcast. Okay. All right. So let's move on to the second three. Here we go. What did you buy recently that you now regret? So this is question number four. What did you buy recently that you now regret? How many of you have that purchase

• 25:09Jay Shetty?

  sitting in your wardrobe that you couldn't return? How many of you have a purchase that you regret it now because people weren't as impressed as you thought they were gonna be? How many of you regret the purchase you made at duty free because you thought it was a good deal, but then found it cheaper on Amazon? Right? Like what is that deal or that bargain that you regret? Uh, this one's an easy one for me. I, oof, I bought a watch last year. I bought it because I thought it was really very nice for like a day. And I was told it was limited edition. I bought into the holiday sales and then I bought it and I couldn't give it back because I went back too late and now it's sitting around. And so I regret it because I thought it was beautiful for like a day

• 25:51Jay Shetty?

  and I bought into the sales and I bought into the person's, you know, the guy who was selling it to me made me feel really cool about it. And I bought into everything I say you shouldn't buy into. And then I bought it and then by the time I realized I wanted to give it back, I couldn't. So I'm stuck with it. And yeah, that's, that's probably the thing that I bought for myself recently that I now regret. I'm trying to think if there's anything else. Why do I like this question? I like this question because again, it allows people to laugh at themselves. It allows someone to show their personality. A lot of the questions we ask people and then we wonder why we don't feel chemistry or why we don't feel a connection is because we're not necessarily asking questions that allow people to be their best playful selves, but these questions do that.

• 26:31Jay Shetty?

  The fifth question is, have you ever been to jail, been arrested, or gotten away with something of the like, right? I love this question because you find some crazy stories about people. It's always fun to hear. Now, I've never been to jail. I've never been arrested and you know, those have not happened to me. If they've happened to you, I'd love to know your stories. Feel free to text me as well. You don't need to post on Instagram or anything like that. But I love this question because you always find a wild card story. Like the person who you don't expect to have gone to prison or jail. They have been there and then they tell you what they went there for. And sometimes it's the funniest reasons ever. And it goes from anything to silly antics in Vegas or something silly they did as a kid.

• 27:16Jay Shetty?

  So definitely use that one as much as you like. Now, the sixth question, probably one of my favorite questions in the pack. What do you think, right? What do you think makes a person most attractive? How attractive are you on that scale? I love this question. What do you think makes a person most attractive? And you'll always get one person who goes, what do you mean physically? No, right? It can be anything. It's a, what do you think makes a person most attractive? Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, material? Be honest. And this is great because it gives you a sign. If someone answers this honestly, it gives you a sign of what they're attracted to. It gives you a sign of what they value, right?

• 28:00Jay Shetty?

  Because ultimately what we're attracted to is what we value. If someone says, oh, the thing that makes a person most attractive is what they wear, they're telling you what level or energy they're operating on. If they say, oh, the thing that makes a person most attractive. Attractive is their smile. Again, it's still a physical attribute. If someone says, you know, what do you think makes a person most attractive? I, I think it's, I think it's uh, how they take care of their kids, or how they take care of their family, or how they take care of their partner. Like, look at the value. Don't look at the thing. Don't get lost in the answer. Because there's someone who's trying to flirt with you as well, may just be like, oh, well, you know, the, you know, you, or whatever it is, but get the person to actually answer the question.

• 28:41Jay Shetty?

  Because if they answer the question properly, it actually gives you a sign of what they truly, deeply value. Right? So for me, this is a really good question. It's, it's a really, really great question. And, you know, what do you think makes a person most attractive? For me, it's a really easy answer, and I think I know that I find this the most endearing. And this is what it is. Humility. Humility,

• 29:08Jay Shetty?

  in my opinion, is what makes a person most attractive. By humility, I don't mean low self-esteem. I don't mean personal judgment. I don't mean lacking confidence. Humility is a sense of groundedness. Humility is a sense of not having to prove your worth to other people, or to keep name dropping, or whatever it may be. Someone who has that humility is most attractive. And I found that very attractive because all my monk teachers had that quality. I found that my friends that are extremely successful have that quality. I found that the people that I vibe with the most, externally successful or not, have that quality. And I think that quality alone makes them successful because they never make anyone feel inferior. That's actually what humility is.

• 29:53Jay Shetty?

  Humility is not that you feel inferior, it's that you never make anyone else feel inferior. That, oh wow, you've just got me there. Just, just talking to you guys out loud right now has got me there. That's the definition of humility. It's not that you feel inferior, it's that you never make anyone feel inferior. Because humility is often seen as a weakness. People think, oh, people who are humble just get walked over, they get pushed away. That's not humility. That's just low self-esteem and lack of confidence. If you're humble, you're still confident, right? But you don't need to make other people feel inferior to feel confident, because that's not confidence, that's arrogance. That's actually delusion. That's just, that's just lying to yourself.

• 30:34Jay Shetty?

  Right? When you're humble, you're already confident, and you don't need to make people feel inferior to be more confident.

• 30:41Jay Shetty?

  And that's making them feel inferior subtly or literally. And then it says, how attractive are you on that scale? Now, the thing about humility is that it's a trick. Because if you turn around and go, yeah, I'm a 10 on the scale of humility, then you're definitely not. So there's a beautiful story that I love to tell about Benjamin Franklin. And he had 13 precepts, 13 things he aspired for to live up to before he died. And when he died, when he was on his deathbed, they asked him, which ones did you achieve? And he said, I achieved all the first 12, but I did not achieve the 13th one. And they said, well, what's the 13th one? And he said humility, right? So I think humility is something that we're constantly striving for. We have never achieved humility. You never attain humility. It's a constant aspiration, but that's what I find most attractive.

• 31:26Jay Shetty?

  Now, notice just how much we just dove into my mind and how much I got to share with you just answering that question and how much you learn about a person when they get to answer that for you. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that mind blowing? And now I want to get to the final three questions.

• 31:45Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweetness and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online.

• 32:19Speaker 01

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company told me of the explosion on our rig. On October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and the Revenant.

• 33:05Speaker 04

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death. That's what.

• 33:09Speaker 03

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 33:13Speaker 03

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.

• 33:21Jay Shetty?

  Here are the final three, seven, eight, and nine. Questions to go deeper, right? With people you do and don't know. So question number seven. Complete this sentence. If you really, really, really knew me, you would know that, right? So you complete this sentence. If you really, really, really knew me, you would know that. So what is it about you that if someone really, really knew you, they would know that? That's a, that's a really tough one. And as you can see, it gets harder because I'm thinking, what is that one thing that if someone really, really, really knew me, what would they know about me? I think if someone really, really, really knew me,

• 34:05Jay Shetty?

  they would know that I'm just trying to serve. That I'm really, really, really just trying to serve with what I've been given. And I'm trying to have the best impact I can in the world. And I'm coming from a place of good intentions. And that at the heart of it, I'm, I'm just a soft-hearted guy who wants to, you know, who wants to help, who wants to make a difference. And I'm working on myself every day. I think people who really know me know that. And sometimes they'll joke because, you know, I can get pretty emotional. I can cry at an emotional movie. And, you know, in a meaningful conversation. So I think, yeah, that would be my answer. I love that one because it really pushes you to, to go deeper and open up. Uh, question number eight.

• 34:49Jay Shetty?

  What do you fight about most in your romantic relationships? This is hilarious. We did this with my friends recently. And I was saying, and I've probably said this before. I said, the thing I fight about most in my romantic relationship is my wife telling me to not leave my shoes at the door. So we take our shoes off when we come inside our home. And I have a habit of not putting my shoes away. So that's literally what we fight about. And my friends are really, really, is that all you fight about? I was like, yes, and it gets pretty bad. Uh, but that's all we fight about. That's, that's, you know, we argue about silly things like that sometimes. Uh, that's what we argue about most. Often in our, in our romantic relationship. Uh, I think that would be our one and, and uh, this again tells you again what, what people are working on, what they're trying to improve.

• 35:29Jay Shetty?

  Mine is definitely, I live in a world of organized chaos. I like things in a certain place, but I know where they are. My wife is a complete neat freak and uh, very clean and I'm very grateful for that as well. So, so that's ours. Uh, that's question number eight. And now question number nine. What would you talk about the most in a one hour therapy session? What would you talk about the most in a one hour therapy session? What a great question.

• 35:58Jay Shetty?

  This one allows you to really get close to people. And you'll notice and, and remember, and I forgot to say this at the start, but remember if someone wants to skip a question or pass, they can, they don't, you can't force someone to answer a question. You can't force vulnerability. You're just gonna get a fake answer. So you can't fake an answer. You can't force an answer. You have to let people give it naturally. But when you look at this scenario, what would you talk about most in a one hour therapy session? I would probably want to revisit my childhood, right? And I've done this several time in different formats with myself, journaling, reflecting, coaches, mentors, spiritually, meditation. But I think that's what I do. I'd love to revisit my childhood because I think we formed so many beliefs in our childhood.

• 36:39Jay Shetty?

  We formed so many patterns in our childhood and I'd love to revisit and reevaluate them. And I think that's very important. That we revisit and reevaluate the patterns, beliefs and systems we adopted in our childhood. Because they're affecting us so much in our adulthood. So that would be my number one thing that I would want to do. Right? So those, well, I want you to think about that one. Think about that one deeply. I want you to answer these questions first. And here's the, here's the truth. Answer these questions first for yourself before you ask them to someone else. Why? Because when you answer them for yourself, right? When you ask yourself, you'll realize how vulnerable you have to be to answer it.

• 37:20Jay Shetty?

  You'll realize what it really takes to give a genuine answer to that. And don't try and give your best answer. Don't try, come, I haven't tried to give you my best answers today. I just came up with them on the spot while I was talking to you, apart from the ones that I said I'd already had conversations about. But just be really open and honest and, and really let it out for yourself. So that when you're speaking to other people, that it keeps that flow. Remember the more you share, the more you learn, the more they share, the more you learn. And create that safe space of no judgment. Create that safe space of of course not going too far into too many details, but at least allow yourself to have a moment of vulnerability. And if you feel you can't ask these to anyone else or no one will answer them, ask them to yourself. I mean that.

• 38:04Jay Shetty?

  If you're sitting here listening going, Jay, I love this idea, but I'm not gonna do it. I can't do this. Answer them for yourself. Because the best thing you can do is be vulnerable with yourself. Be empathetic with yourself. Be nonjudgmental with yourself. I hope that this episode has equipped you for the new year. I hope it's equipped you for the holiday season. I wanted to get this episode out before the end of the year. I can't wait for you to use these questions in your meetings, in starting off your meetings, at your events, your parties, your holiday events, whatever it may be. And I can't wait for you to share which question you loved and what you're learning from this episode. Thank you so much for listening on purpose.

• 38:47Jay Shetty?

  Make sure you share your insights on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, everywhere, LinkedIn as well. And I can't wait to share them as well. Thank you so much. I'll see you again next week.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all keep the blame on me. Tom Cruise is.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  Digger got us into this mess. And Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 39:53Speaker 04

  What would happen if I stopped going? You start, you freeze in there, that's what.

• 39:57Speaker 03

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 40:00Speaker 04

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 40:01Speaker 03

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only appears October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not admitted without parent.

• 40:08Speaker 05

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• 40:30Speaker 03

  Espolón Tequila, 40% alcohol by volume, 80 proof. Copyright 2026, Compaia America, New York, New York. Drink responsibly.