How to Make Hard Choices: Practical Tips for When Sh*t Gets Real

Oh…sometimes life is a real doozy. You make all these plans, and boom. You step right into a pile of you-know-what. And then you realize that pile was there all along—you just missed it. Which brings us to the topic of today’s episode: making hard decisions and moving on from hard relationships. How do you move forward when… You feel so torn about what to do. You don’t trust yourself. You’re scared to make the wrong decision. What’s best for you will impact the people you love. How do you decide your next big move when everything you worked for evaporates before your eyes? How do you stop thinking about your ex, especially when you might bump into them at any moment? I’ll tell you how. Pull up a seat and join me because you are going to love the listener, Katrina, who I’m coaching today. Her question was, "Should I stay or should I go?" By the end of this episode, you’ll not only have the answer to whatever question YOU are grappling with, but you'll also have so many decision-making tools in your back pocket that you’re going to need more pockets. Today, you’re getting strategies to help you Live your life with no regrets. Keep your cool when you see your ex. Bounce back after rejection. Stop feeling guilty about following your dreams. Make courageous decisions. The biggest takeaway? Knowing the difference between what’s right for you and the fear that’s keeping you from it When something is right, even if it’s scary as hell to go for it, you’ll only ever regret not having tried. Xo Mel PS - If you’re looking to ditch your insecurities for a powerful way to launch forward on your dreams, I’ve got just the thing for you. Sign up for my FREE Take Control mini course here. In this episode, you’ll learn: 2:20: Ever been dumped? Then you’ll relate to what Katrina is going through. 4:00: The kind of decisions that change your life don’t happen in your brain. 6:30: When you have a big decision to make, ask yourself this question. 8:15: Holding yourself back because you feel guilty? Listen to this. 11:00: The single biggest quality you want in any partner? It’s always this. 14:00: There are always red flags before a breakup, whether you saw them or not. 16:15: You deserve nothing less than these qualities from your partner. 19:00: Try role playing with a friend to help you get the closure you crave. 23:45: Use this strategy to help you make a weighty decision. 27:40: Takeaway #1: Stop running away. Think of it this way instead. 30:15: Takeaway #2: If you want closure, you have to do these two things. 30:30: Takeaway #3: If you’re going to hold yourself back, own it. Don’t blame others. 31:00: Takeaway #4: You’re making it much harder in your head. 32:00: Takeaway #5: As soon as somebody doesn’t want you, they’re not your person. 33:30: Takeaway #6: Please stop doing this after a breakup. 35:00: Takeaway #7: If it’s not love, it’s a lesson. 35:30: Takeaway #8: Don’t be caught off guard by preparing ahead of time. 37:00: Takeaway #9: You don’t need someone else to feel complete. 38:00: Takeaway #10: Don’t let your fears hold you back. Disclaimer

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone, and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mel to get started. SoFi, get your money right.

• 0:43Mel Robbins?

  SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net. This podcast is brought to you by Expedia. If you haven't booked your next trip yet, now is the time. Whether you're going to fly across the country

• 1:28Mel Robbins?

  or maybe you just want to explore a cool beach town this summer, Expedia makes it easy. Flights, hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle. And when you bundle, you can save up to 30% with everything you need in one app. Sign in to save, savings vary. Expedia, the one place you go to go places.

• 1:51Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Let's go.

• 2:01Mel Robbins?

  I am really looking forward to our conversation today. If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author. I am also one of the world's leading experts on habits and motivation and behavior change. And I invite you today to pull up a seat and listen in as I give some advice and coaching to a woman named Katrina who wrote in because in the wake of a breakup, she has a very big decision to make. You're going to love her, by the way. She's smart and she is a go-getter, but she's really stuck right now. And this coaching session is going to give me the opportunity to teach you two just critical truths about life.

• 2:46Mel Robbins?

  Number one, you have to know the difference between the right decision and being afraid of the right decision. And the second truth about life is that how you feel about somebody is very different than how they make you feel. And how they make you feel is where you have to put all the weight when you're making really hard decisions. And by the very end of this coaching session with Katrina, you are going to learn an absolutely incredible tool. This is a tool that will help you make courageous decisions.

• 3:30Mel Robbins?

  Because isn't it true that so often, the decision that you know is right, the one that deep down in your heart, you know, is the best and truest decision for you, it's also the one that scares the hell out of you. All right. Do we have Katrina here? Oh, great. Hi Katrina.

• 3:53Speaker 01

  Hello. Hi Mel, how are you doing?

• 3:56Mel Robbins?

  I'm doing great. So why don't we start by having you share the question that you originally sent in to me with everybody that's listening?

• 4:04Speaker 01

  Yes, absolutely. In July 2022, just days before my 25th birthday and last year of law school, my boyfriend of five years dumped me. To say that this was out of nowhere would be an understatement. But looking back, I am sure there were signs that the end was coming. My future crumbled right before my eyes. I was numb for the first three to four months. I've done a lot of work since then. I need your help on what to do next. The state I live in has been my home all my life, and as far as I know, it's where my ex still resides. I'm unsure if it's the breakup, the last year of law school ending, or the fact that I truly have nothing tying me down here anymore, but this place no longer feels

• 4:47Speaker 01

  warm to me. Most of my friends are engaged and beginning to start their lives in a chapter I can no longer relate to. I'm thinking of moving to a state that has everything I love. However, a part of me knows that if I leave, the chances of me getting back together with my ex become slimmer. A brilliant and well experienced woman once said, "One decision can change the trajectory of your life forever." So I hope you can help me figure out what decision to make, or at least ways to make this grueling decision. Thanks, Mel.

• 5:21Mel Robbins?

  Okay. So I think that this is a very short coaching session.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:29Mel Robbins?

  Because I think you know the decision.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, I think I do too.

• 5:34Mel Robbins?

  So, when you just kind of went, "Uh, yeah, I think I do."

• 5:41Mel Robbins?

  I want to tell you something about decisions. Since you've just graduated from law school, you're very analytical. But the kind of decisions that change your life are not made in that analytical brain.

• 6:02Mel Robbins?

  Do you know where in your body you can feel what the decision is?

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's my heart. I think, um, I mean, there's definitely a part of me. I left out a few things. There, his parents have a love story that they ended up back together after they broke up and after they had separate lives. So I think subconsciously, I'm hoping that that's the case, but I know my time here, I live in Indianapolis. I, I think my time here has come to an end just because I, I don't want to be living in a place where I'm worried I'm gonna bump into him or worried I'd see him on a date with someone else. Like, that's not a life I want to

• 6:48Speaker 01

  live. And that's not something I want to have in the back of my mind everywhere I go.

• 6:55Mel Robbins?

  Yep. Um, I think there's a bigger reason.

• 7:00Mel Robbins?

  That has nothing to do with him. I want you to tell me why you want to move. I mean, fuck him for a minute. Like, what, why do you want to go somewhere else?

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, um, there are many reasons. I, I've lived in Indiana my entire life and I think this breakup has shown me so many things, but one thing is that you have one life to live. And I just don't think I'm supposed to live here for my entire life. And it's, it's something that's deep in me and it was deep in me before we broke up. I thought about moving. I wanted to move. So it's just, it's only accelerated it, but I have parent guilt because they live here and they don't intend on moving anywhere. But maybe if I can show them that it's possible, you can do it, you can start over somewhere new, that maybe it'll give them the confidence to do so. So I agree with

• 7:58Speaker 01

  you. There are reasons that are more personal than just him and that, and that I know from my own self-growth, it's a necessary next step.

• 8:07Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, I think you want to make the decision not only from your heart, and I'll coach you through how to make the decision and how to read the energy of your heart. But you can make this decision either

• 8:22Mel Robbins?

  Because you want to move away from something? Or because you feel called to something?

• 8:32Speaker 01

  I think it's, it's 60% being called somewhere else. 40% of me feeling that I need to move away because it's, I mean, we, we spent five years here. We were very active people everywhere and I, I like to go on hikes. And now every time I go on hikes, I think about where we've been. Indy's not that big of a city to escape from all the memories. And it's just, it's been really hard to think that I can create new memories with someone else or myself without those things coming in the foreground.

• 9:09Mel Robbins?

  Yep. It's possible for sure.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:12Mel Robbins?

  So you said a couple of things to me. One is I felt called deep down, even before we broke up. And that this is something that I've wanted to do. And I will tell you, you will always regret not doing it. And the other thing I'm going to tell you is you can always come back.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, yeah, that's been my main thing is I know I can always come back. I've made enough of a network here and I know there are plenty of people in my corner that are here that would, I could rely on. And God forbid something was to go awry in the state that I have, I've chosen. So I, I, yeah, I do want to bet on myself. It's just that feels a little guilty towards my parents and.

• 10:00Mel Robbins?

  Hold on a second. Your parents are grown ass adults.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Well, they are.

• 10:04Mel Robbins?

  And they can move. They can get on an airplane. They can FaceTime you. They want you to be happy. They want you to pursue your dreams. There is nothing I would hate more than to have my kids tell me that they gave up on something they wanted to do because they felt guilty about me. After all the shit I've done to support them, they're now going to saddle their coward ass, chicken shit decisions on me?

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, that resonates deeply. I know you're right. I know. I don't know what part of me that somewhat believes that I can't go somewhere without disappointing them, but I know that you're right, that deep down that they want the best for me. They want me to be happy.

• 10:56Mel Robbins?

  Here's what you can do. You can actually go to your parents and say, "I need to do this for myself. And the only thing holding me back is my fear about you guys being upset with me. So can I ask for your support in doing something that I desperately need to do for my own growth? And I promise I can always come back."

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think I need that reassurance, for sure.

• 11:27Mel Robbins?

  Well, you can ask for it. Whether they give it to you or not is a whole nother thing. I don't know your parents. I don't know if they're going to be emotionally immature about it, but I suspect they've seen you suffer. And they've seen you sad. And they want you to be happy. And if you tell them this is what you think you need to take this risk, to do this thing, then you need to do it. Living with regret is the worst thing in the world. I need you to accept that he broke up with you. And you haven't.

• 12:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. I feel like I haven't had time.

• 12:10Mel Robbins?

  That's bullshit. Because all you do is think about this.

• 12:17Speaker 01

  It's gotten a lot better. I mean, I've been able to, I told myself I would be on a hiatus until I take the bar in July from men, like talking to men, and I've gotten over that. I've allowed myself to live and like freely talk to adult males who I find interesting or attractive, and I've been using the five second rule. And it's worked wonders. It's just, I don't know, there is a part of me that is hanging on to this little piece of hope that, because he was the person that, I mean, everything I wanted in a person was that, was him, except the fact that he didn't want me, so.

• 12:55Mel Robbins?

  Well, that's the single biggest

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:58Mel Robbins?

  thing that you need. Why would you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you?

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, you don't.

• 13:06Mel Robbins?

  But you do. Because you think if you can win him back, it means something.

• 13:14Mel Robbins?

  What does it mean if he comes back?

• 13:19Speaker 01

  That he regrets his decision.

• 13:21Mel Robbins?

  But what does it mean about you?

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Oh, probably not anything commendable. I mean, you take in someone that second guessed your worth and their perception of you as what you meant to them in your life and how I wasn't enough.

• 13:43Mel Robbins?

  There's a part of your value and worth that you have handed to him.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:55Mel Robbins?

  And him coming back and wanting to be with you is what you think is going to give you that piece of self-worth back.

• 14:10Mel Robbins?

  That's why you're holding on to it. Because you think there's something wrong with you or missing from you or deficient, and only he can give it back to you.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, we haven't even spoken since.

• 14:23Mel Robbins?

  Good.

• 14:24Speaker 01

  Since July. I haven't seen him.

• 14:27Mel Robbins?

  There's nothing to say. He said everything when he broke up with you without warning.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:34Mel Robbins?

  And I also think you need to look back at the relationship, if you're going to, with a much more critical eye. Because there were signs. There are always signs.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, there were absolutely signs.

• 14:46Mel Robbins?

  I'm proud of you for admitting that there were signs. And I want to dig into those signs after a quick break from our sponsors. Stay with us, everybody, because that's where we're going next.

• 15:06Mel Robbins?

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• 15:50Mel Robbins?

  Visit schwab.com to learn more. That's S-C-H-W-A-B dot com. What's your favorite kind of vacation? Do you like to do physical stuff and see a bunch of sights? Or do you just, "Oh my God, just let me lounge by a pool and don't talk to me." Scottsdale, Arizona, will let you do it all. And fall is one of the most beautiful times to visit Scottsdale with warm days, cool desert evenings, and endless sunshine. Here are just some of the things you can do in Scottsdale. Visit legendary Old Town Scottsdale with over 100 restaurants, dozens of art galleries, and boutique shopping. Stay at award-winning luxury resorts designed for relaxation. Spend a day at one of Scottsdale's world-class spas.

• 16:34Mel Robbins?

  Eat at an award-winning restaurant with unmatched sunsets. Play championship golf courses surrounded by stunning Sonoran desert landscapes. And top it all off with beautiful desert scenery that instantly helps you disconnect. We spend so much time taking care of everyone else. Scottsdale is where you can finally take care of yourself. Visit unwindinsscottsdale.com to plan your trip this fall. Here's something you might find encouraging. The best version of your life isn't always down the road. Sometimes, it's right here in front of you. That's why Buick is here to help you show up at your best, live with intention, and remember that now is exceptional.

• 17:15Mel Robbins?

  Whether you're showing up in style with the Buick En vista with its head turning design and quiet tuning technology with active noise cancellation, or you're embarking on a night out in the three row Buick enclave where a tech forward spacious interior keeps you connected to your drive and your crew. Every Buick SUV is designed to reward the road you're on and the moment you're in. So keep pushing yourself forward, but remember to enjoy the ride today. Visit Buick.com to discover premium design that amplifies every day. That's Buick.com. Buick, exceptional by design. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why

• 18:00Mel Robbins?

  I want you to discover Pandora tellsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful Zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora tellsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at Pandora.net.

• 18:30Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and today we're talking about two truths about life and I've got Katrina here with us who just went through a excruciating breakup and we're talking about the fact that there are always signs. So Katrina, what were the signs?

• 18:50Speaker 01

  Well, one, two years into our relationship, he cheated on me.

• 18:55Mel Robbins?

  Okay, there's a sign.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  That's a sign. Two, about three weeks before he broke up with me, he's Mormon and I'm Christian and he had some...

• 19:14Speaker 01

  Mormon people over and we got in a big fight essentially and I saw him look at me differently in that time and then on our 4th of July weekend when he broke up with me, he was very distant. Also, all of our mutual friends broke up. So every guy in our group all broke up with their girlfriends two weeks prior and then I was next. I was the next target to be hit.

• 19:42Mel Robbins?

  Or captive to be released.

• 19:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, that too.

• 19:50Mel Robbins?

  You need to change your story. He was not everything you thought you wanted. He was somebody that cheated on you that you forgave, who then started to ice you out because he felt the pressure from LDS leaders, which he's allowed to do. And he did it in a really chicken shit, mean, disrespectful way. Had he sat down with you and explained from his heart the pressure he feels, how much he cares about you, how much this time is meant, but he just can't get past the religion, blah, but he blah. If he had done that,

• 20:28Mel Robbins?

  we wouldn't be here. But see, why you feel pissed and I'd like you to get into the anger instead of the sappy doopy, oh, but doopy day, should I move? Should I not? Fuck him.

• 20:43Mel Robbins?

  You gotta get into that motive. I was fucking disrespected by this son of a bitch. How fucking dare he? What a chicken shit, piece of shit. What the, I was dating a boy.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, absolutely. A hundred percent. Not emotionally intelligent.

• 21:02Mel Robbins?

  Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Come on, what else?

• 21:06Speaker 01

  Oh, man, it's so hard.

• 21:08Mel Robbins?

  No, it ain't. It's only hard because you've been telling yourself a different story. And the story that you need to tell yourself is this one. When it's not love, it's a lesson. And the lesson that he taught me is I want an actual man. I want somebody who talks about his feelings. I want somebody who is upfront with me when something's not working. I want somebody who respects me to have the hard, enough to have the hard conversations.

• 21:36Mel Robbins?

  And I also learned that I am a fucking lawyer. And if I can get my ass through law school, I am an adult who wants an adult relationship with an equal. And I was dating a child, and I was making excuses for him, and I'm not fucking doing that again.

• 21:56Mel Robbins?

  How about that story?

• 21:58Speaker 01

  I like that story.

• 21:58Mel Robbins?

  I say it with love.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  That story, I think I'm gonna keep in my back pocket, yeah.

• 22:04Mel Robbins?

  Here's one other thing I want to say to you. We gotta come up with your Plan B when you bump into him. Because I have a feeling that literally within the next 48 hours, you are going to bump into him.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  I do too. I know, I've had this feeling for a while.

• 22:18Mel Robbins?

  Okay, so what are you gonna do?

• 22:22Speaker 01

  I don't know. I've just thought about saying hi and I mean, I'm in a much better headspace now. Like, the amount of relationships that I've fostered and the amount of people that I've met since then that I never would have met, and their stories I never would have heard. Like, it's given me a new light. It's given me a new reason to live and a new pursuit. I've learned so much about myself. I've learned how loyal I am as a friend and how many people I have in my corner. It's just... So I want to exert that kind of energy when I see him. If I was too.

• 23:01Mel Robbins?

  Great.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:02Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 23:03Speaker 01

  If he asks me how I'm doing, I want to say I'm doing great, because I am.

• 23:06Mel Robbins?

  Okay, great. But there's still that little piece.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 23:12Mel Robbins?

  And I want to turn that piece into something powerful for you.

• 23:21Mel Robbins?

  And it's the truth.

• 23:24Mel Robbins?

  The reason why you can't let this go is because of how he handled it.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:31Mel Robbins?

  Because you are a person of principle.

• 23:35Mel Robbins?

  And you deserved to be treated differently. This is not about the breakup. This is not about what happened. It's about the how.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:44Mel Robbins?

  And so, the way that we're gonna do this, because we're gonna role play, is I want you to put on your lawyer hat.

• 23:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:52Mel Robbins?

  Okay? Having this rehearsed will help you not get triggered. Because when you see the person, it will be a little bit like, oh my God. So expect a little bit of the wave, like, oh shit, shit, shit. And then, you're gonna take a deep breath, and you're gonna walk right up to him. Do not look away. Do not worry if he's with somebody, even better. You're gonna walk right up, and you're gonna say, hey, I had a feeling I was gonna bump into you. It's actually really great to see you, because I'm moving something I've always wanted to do. And I wanted to thank you. Thank you for ending it. Because I probably would be making different decisions

• 24:36Mel Robbins?

  if I were still putting you first. But I do wanna tell you, the way you handled it was really awful. And I deserve better. And now I feel better that I told you.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's tough.

• 24:52Mel Robbins?

  All right, go ahead. Go ahead.

• 24:55Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:55Mel Robbins?

  I'm him. I'm like walking, and I see you, and I'm like, huh.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  Okay. Hey, Nick.

• 25:03Mel Robbins?

  Hi.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  It's great to see you.

• 25:06Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, it's good to see you.

• 25:07Speaker 01

  I had a feeling I was gonna bump into you recently. I mean, it's been a long time since I've seen you.

• 25:13Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, you look great. You look really great. How you doing?

• 25:15Speaker 01

  Thanks. Thank you, I appreciate it. I just wanted to let you know, I'm actually, I'm moving soon. And I truly wanted to thank you for, for allowing me and giving me this time to...

• 25:29Mel Robbins?

  Nope. Okay, we're gonna turn over. No! I wanna thank you for ending it.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  For ending it, okay.

• 25:36Mel Robbins?

  Because I wouldn't have.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would not have.

• 25:39Mel Robbins?

  And it needed to end. And I'm happy it ended. But I do have to tell you, the way you handled it, not cool. Not cool at all. I deserve better. And I hope you treat women better in the future. See you later.

• 26:02Mel Robbins?

  All right, here we go again. I'm Nick.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  All right.

• 26:05Mel Robbins?

  Okay, here we go.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  Hey, Nick.

• 26:09Mel Robbins?

  Oh, hi. Hey. Wow.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  How's it going?

• 26:12Mel Robbins?

  Uh, everything's great. Everything's really great.

• 26:15Speaker 01

  I had a feeling I'd bump into you. That's really odd, but I just wanted to let you know. Um, I wanted to thank you, actually, for ending what we had.

• 26:26Mel Robbins?

  Really?

• 26:27Speaker 01

  I, yes, I, uh, I recently made the decision to move.

• 26:32Mel Robbins?

  Oh, wow.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  And I would not have made this decision had we stayed together. And it's, after great reflection, it's been truly the biggest blessing. The way in which it was done was not acceptable. And I hope that you can do better for the women that are in your life in your future. Thank you. Goodbye.

• 26:55Mel Robbins?

  Case dismissed, man. He's convicted. You're the winner. That was incredible. How do you feel?

• 27:01Speaker 01

  It feels empowering and it feels honest.

• 27:07Mel Robbins?

  Yeah. Yeah, that last word is it. Because, like a lot of that gotcha, and I'm just gonna say that thing where I pretend to look da-da-da, that doesn't work. But you're being honest because it's the justice piece of this that hooked you. That that's what has kept you attached to this, that it wasn't right. And when you distinguish the relationship ending from the how it ended, it gives you your power back to go, wait a minute, I was mistreated here. I need to say something. This fucking coward did this and then slinked off into the sunset? I don't think so.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  Right.

• 27:48Mel Robbins?

  And I also love that you can see the difference between making a decision because you're weak and you don't want to bump into this loser on a hiking trail. Give me a fucking break.

• 27:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 27:59Mel Robbins?

  He should be, he should be, he's probably not hiking anywhere because he's scared to bump into you.

• 28:04Speaker 01

  Possibly.

• 28:05Mel Robbins?

  Definitely. Definitely. Even if he has somebody new. He's gonna be scared to bump into you.

• 28:14Mel Robbins?

  Because he also knows he was a coward and he disrespected you the way he did this. You know that you are now making a decision to move toward your power and toward your growth. I think you are going to find something in this move that you didn't even know you were seeking. And I am so excited for you. And I want to leave you with a tool. The way that you make a decision in the future that, you know, is kind of one of these big, weighty ones is you just kind of close your eyes. And I want you to think about the two options. Do I stay in Indianapolis? Or do I move to this new place that I've always wanted to live?

• 29:00Mel Robbins?

  The decision that aligns and is true for you is the one that is going to feel more expansive. Something inside you opens up. Doesn't mean it's an easy decision, doesn't mean that there aren't things you're concerned about, but that it's going to create growth. That there's something exciting, even if it's scary about that decision. That there's some expansive energy to it. And that's how you can feel in your heart and in your gut that that is a decision that's aligned with who you are and where you're meant to go. If you are making a decision and you feel yourself shrink a little,

• 29:45Mel Robbins?

  you feel the energy go down. You feel kind of, instead of the expansion, like this kind of contraction of energy. That's a no.

• 29:58Mel Robbins?

  It's a no. And that's why I opened up our conversation by saying, I think this is going to be a short conversation because you already know. And one other piece of advice I'm going to give you is this. When making decisions in life, always use your heart to know what the truth is for you. And that's why I knew immediately, oh, she knows, she's moving. This is like not even a question, she's already knows what.

• 30:26Mel Robbins?

  You'll use your brain and you've got this beautiful analytical lawyer brain that's going to help you figure out that, okay, when am I doing it? How's it going to happen? Like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Okay? Awesome. I'm so proud of you. I wish I could give you a big fucking hug or we could go out and have a drink together.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  I know. Well, I wish this was in person. I would give you the biggest hug too. I just, I'm so, this feels honestly so surreal. I have been meaning to email you for approximately six months and it wasn't until I finished the audible book of the five second rule this weekend and that I said five, four, three, two, one, and I fucking sent it. So.

• 31:06Mel Robbins?

  Boom. See, you did it when you were ready. And I'm really proud of you. You're going to do really big things in life. I know it. I know it. And you are going to be shocked about the relationships that are coming in the future because you are stepping into your power. So you're in a totally different place, which means the person that steps into your life, friends or romantic, whatever, are going to amplify you, which is incredible. I'm really proud of you. Go get them.

• 31:36Speaker 01

  Thank you so much.

• 31:37Mel Robbins?

  You're welcome, darling. Oh, don't you just love her? I am so rooting for her. And you know who else I'm rooting for? I'm rooting for you. And believe it or not, in those 25 minutes, I packed in about 10 incredible takeaways. And I want to make sure that I highlight those for you so that you've got all 10 of them because we packed a ton into that coaching conversation. So let's hit pause real quick for a word from our sponsors. When we come back, I'm going to go one through 10 and summarize everything that you just learned so that you can apply it to your life too. Stay with us.

• 32:22Mel Robbins?

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• 33:02Mel Robbins?

  That's why Nordic Naturals is the number one selling omega three brand. Use promo code MEL for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com and discover the power of omega three with Nordic Naturals. Supplements are not evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent diseases. Here's the thing, when it comes to investing, who doesn't love having options? Some days you might want a little more control. Hey, it's only human. And other times, you may want a teammate in your corner. Well, with Schwab, you get all the things, all in one place. Like self-directed investing when you're thinking, hey, I got this. Or full-service wealth management when you're like, you know what? Maybe I need some help handling things.

• 33:47Mel Robbins?

  You also have investing, trading, college planning and more. Whether you're mapping out long-term goals, building a diversified portfolio, or just getting started and learning the ropes, there's support when you need it and independence when you want it. Whatever the approach, Schwab can help you invest your way. Because if you're gonna do this whole money thing, you might as well choose a firm that lets you do it your way, right? Visit schwab.com to learn more. That's S-C-H-W-A-B dot com. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are.

• 34:28Mel Robbins?

  Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net.

• 34:52Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I promised that I would unpack all of the takeaways, and that's what we're going to do right now. Believe it or not, there are 10 extremely valuable takeaways that we packed into those 25 minutes of coaching with Katrina. So let's walk through them right now. Number one, it is so powerful in life when you are running towards something, okay? Stop running away from things. And I realize you may be running away from a job you hate right now, or running away from your problems, or running away from an ex. That's not a powerful way to frame it. And what I want you to do is, I want you to think about if you're moving away from a relationship, or a place, or a

• 35:33Mel Robbins?

  job, what are you moving toward? Let's frame it in the positive. Katrina is moving for growth. She's moving for freedom. She's moving for a new beginning. She's moving for confidence. See how different that is from, "I gotta get away from my ex"? There's no power in that. You just gave it to your ex. And so takeaway number one, in life, I want you to flip your narrative so that you're always describing what you're moving toward. And, you know, Katrina was honest about this. Just listen to this clip from her. Remember when she said this?

• 36:02Speaker 01

  It's 60% being called somewhere else, 40% of me feeling that I need to move away.

• 36:10Mel Robbins?

  And the truth is, you will feel a bit of a tug of war, because fear's involved there. And that's why you need this takeaway. Always flip the narrative about what you're doing is moving towards something powerful. Okay, second takeaway, let's talk about closure. If you're still holding on to the handle on the door, you haven't fully closed it, okay? When you're going to close the door on a relationship or a chapter in your life, you cannot be holding on to the handle. That's what Katrina was doing. Remember when she said this?

• 36:43Speaker 01

  A part of me knows that if I leave, the chances of me getting back together with my ex become slimmer.

• 36:49Mel Robbins?

  Now, I applaud her honesty, but to truly close the door.

• 36:56Mel Robbins?

  You have to let go of the handle. And then you have to turn and walk toward something else. So whatever it is that you're holding on to, whether it's this slim sliver of hope that things could be different, whether it's beating yourself up, whether it's rumination, you have to let go. And you also need to move away from that door and start walking toward something new. That is what it means to truly have closure. Takeaway number three, if you're gonna hold yourself back and play a really small game in life, you give up the right to blame other people for that. Let me unpack this for you.

• 37:41Mel Robbins?

  Remember when Katrina said this about her parents? I do want to bet on myself. It's just that feels a little guilty towards my parents. And I was like, woo, wait a minute. You don't get to bet on yourself and then be like, but my parents, I feel guilty. That is so wrong. If you're gonna hold yourself back, own it. I'm too scared to move. Do not saddle your parents or your friends or anybody else with this guilt stuff. It's complete baloney. All right? So be very clear when you're holding yourself back that you're the one doing it to yourself. The fourth takeaway, don't even get me started on this because it makes me so frustrated. How many times have you been afraid to disappoint somebody?

• 38:23Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I'd like to do this, but what am I gonna disappoint them? 99% of the time, you haven't even frickin' asked them. So stop saying you're afraid to disappoint someone. Be an adult. Just ask them. Tell them what you want to do and then you'll find out if there's a reason to be afraid. But I guarantee you, if you explain to somebody what you want to do and why, you're gonna get the support that you need. You know, I'll give you an example. My parents, I hate that I live so far away from them. They can't stand that I moved from the Midwest and I live out in the East, but you know what? They're still my biggest supporters. People can be two things at once. They can be disappointed that you don't live closer, and they can still support you in pursuing your dreams.

• 39:08Mel Robbins?

  So, stop saying that you're afraid of disappointing people. Go have the conversation, because I think you're gonna be shocked. Here's the fifth takeaway. If someone doesn't want you anymore, you shouldn't want them. The second they break up with you, the second they're not in love with you anymore, the second they treat you as though they don't want you, take that as the truth, and flip the switch, and tell yourself, "You deserve better." I'm sure you remember this moment when Katrina confessed this. Everything I wanted in a person was him, except the fact that he didn't want me. I almost fell out of my chair when she said that.

• 39:52Mel Robbins?

  That's not your person. That's your insecurity and your trauma from childhood playing out. That's your attachment issues. See, one of the reasons why we cling to people that don't want us is that we play this crazy game that if we could only convince them to like us again, it proves that somehow we're worthy, okay? The only person that you need to be worthy of is yourself. And so that means you should not want to be with somebody who does not want to be with you. Period. Another really big takeaway here. There are always signs. Your intuition is always right. Your issue is that you're not listening to it. So, the next time a chapter,

• 40:36Mel Robbins?

  or a job, or a relationship is over, please stop romancing what it was. And please look back with an astute, honest, critical eye, and look for the signs. Because you need to claim those signs, and you need to own the fact that you ignored them. And that's a major mistake that I see so many of you making. That you're embarrassed. "Oh, I was such an idiot. There were signs that they were cheating. Oh, I was such an idiot. He's been treating me, or she's been treating me like garbage for a year." There were signs, but you don't want to tell anybody because you think it makes you look weak. It's actually the opposite. If you can claim all the signs that you saw and chose to ignore, you know what it does?

• 41:21Mel Robbins?

  It strengthens your intuition because you're honoring the fact that it's true. And if you make that part of the narrative, it will be more likely that you will see any signs in the future and that you will trust it because you've now owned the mistake that you made in the past. And that brings me to takeaway number seven. If it's not love, it is a lesson. Full stop. You see, not everybody is meant to be in your life for your lifetime, but the things that they teach you and the experiences that you have with them will stay with you for a lifetime. And so, one other thing I want you to remember is that when something ends, it ends because

• 42:05Mel Robbins?

  it was supposed to end, okay? There's something better coming. And so, when you feel ready, change your story from heartache and heartbreak and insecurity and drama to the lesson that you learned. Because remember, if it's not love, it's a lesson. Another big takeaway here was the coaching that I gave her about rehearsing what you're going to say if there's somebody in your life that you're worried about bumping into. There used to be somebody like that for me, and I think everybody has someone in the back of their mind. They're like, "Oh my God, dear God, please do not let me bump into them, please do not let me see them." And for me, it used to be my college roommate.

• 42:48Mel Robbins?

  We had a huge falling out after we graduated, partially, I'd say mostly my doing. We went back and forth with letters. This would have been 33 years ago. And I think she's complete, but I certainly was not complete. And I have thought a lot about what I would do if I bumped into her, and I used to be scared of it until I did this.

• 43:14Mel Robbins?

  You just need to figure out how you're going to handle the situation. That way, you're not caught off guard. You've prepared for it. It's something researchers call A B planning. Plan A is, I'm not going to see the person. I'm not going to bump into the person, right? Well, what do you do if you do? You have Plan B in your back pocket because you've rehearsed it. You've thought about it. You know exactly how you're going to react because you've already rehearsed it. And that means it removes the concern from the back of your subconscious mind. And it also empowers you because you've taken control. And you now aren't going to have an awkward moment because you will know what you're going to do. So that's takeaway number eight. Rehearse what you're going to say. Now, number nine, we're getting near the end here.

• 43:56Mel Robbins?

  I told you there was a lot packed into that coaching session. You don't need another person in order to get complete. I don't need to bump into my friend to feel complete. I was the villain in our friendship ending. And so I accept that. I will welcome her with a huge hug if I ever see her. I don't even know if I would be greeted that way, but that is how I am going to respond. I've learned from my behavior. I have forgiven myself and so I've moved on. But another person's behavior is all you need. You see, when the person ended it, when they lied to you, when they did what they end, that's all the data point that you need in order to be complete.

• 44:41Mel Robbins?

  And the other thing that you need to do is claim and identify the signs that you ignored. Or in my case, own and take responsibility for the toxic behavior that you engaged in. And then the best form of apology is honestly changing yourself for the better. A change in behavior is the best apology that you could give yourself and the best apology you could give anybody else. And finally, In life, there will be many things that you do that you regret. I just named a bunch. You know, I don't like the person that I was in high school, college, or law school because I didn't know I was dealing with childhood trauma.

• 45:24Mel Robbins?

  I hadn't ever gotten any kind of professional counseling. I didn't even know that's what the issue was. I'm not proud of the fact that I cheated on former boyfriends. I'm not proud of the way that I showed up in friendships. And I definitely regret squandering opportunities that I had in college and law school because I just didn't take full advantage of everything that was in front of me because I couldn't. I hadn't dealt with the deeper issues yet. But here's the thing about regret. What you'll actually regret are the things you didn't do. So if you've been thinking about moving away finally from your hometown, you will regret it if you don't.

• 46:07Mel Robbins?

  You will regret it if you don't go back to school. You'll regret it if you don't start dating again. You'll regret it if you don't take your health more seriously. You'll regret it if you don't start saving for that incredible trip that you've always wanted to take, even though you know it might take you five or six years to save for it. Don't let your fears hold you back from doing the things that you know in your heart you want to do. And that brings me all the way, full circle, to the very beginning of our conversation and the two major truths I told you that we were going to talk about. The first one is how you feel about someone or something is very different than how that person or place makes you feel.

• 46:52Mel Robbins?

  I'm going to say that again. How you feel about someone else is very different than how that person makes you feel. Put the weight of your decision in how the person makes you feel. Katrina's ex made her feel angry, rejected, disrespected.

• 47:17Mel Robbins?

  That's where she needs to put the weight when she's making a decision about what she's going to move toward next. And the same thing's true about where she lives. How does Indiana make her feel right now? Well, it makes her feel small and stuck and like she's shrinking and no longer growing. Pay attention to that and put the weight of your decision in how that place is making you feel. Now you know what to move toward. And the second, and this is the biggest truth of them all, you must know the difference between what the right decision is in your heart versus your fear of making that decision.

• 47:59Mel Robbins?

  Always find the courage to make the decision that is in your heart because you will never ever regret it. Now, one thing that I would regret if I didn't do it right now is I would deeply regret not telling you that I love you. So in case no one else tells you today, I want to tell you that I love you, I believe in you, I'm so grateful to talk to you twice a week, and I believe in your ability to take these 10 takeaways and two truths about life and apply them to go create a better life for yourself. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days.

• 49:01Mel Robbins?

  Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

• 49:27Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you some. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone, and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mal to get started. SoFi, get your money right.

• 50:11Mel Robbins?

  SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. Nearly 50 years after Stephen King's Carrie became a cultural phenomenon, Mike Flanagan is reimagining the iconic story for a new generation. Now, the new series honors the legacy of the original Carrie, but it's asking the question, are we watching the origin of a hero, a villain, or something far more complicated? And in this modern social media age, Carrie's new story resonates more than ever. You don't want to miss it. Carrie is now streaming on Prime Video.