Kelsey Cook Joins The Show! | Whiskey Ginger

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino sits down with comedian Kelsey Cook for a hilarious conversation about stand-up, relationships, life on the road, bad decisions, and all the beautifully uncomfortable stuff that eventually becomes material. Kelsey has a brand new special, Happy Hour, premiering August 18 on Netflix. If you’ve ever experienced hangxiety, made questionable decisions after a few drinks, or found yourself dating a literal Chad, this one might hit a little too close to home. Kelsey also co-hosts the Pretend Problems podcast with comedian Chad Daniels, where they get into relationships, life, comedy, and problems both real and completely unnecessary. Watch Kelsey Cook: Happy Hour Out Now On Netflix https://www.netflix.com/title/82772041 Check out Kelsey’s tour dates, previous specials, and more: https://www.kelseycook.com Listen to Pretend Problems: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9UBPfi4B_j1Ua7xDOcyBnA Follow Kelsey Cook: https://www.instagram.com/kelseycookcomedy Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #KelseyCook #happyhour ================================================= This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Play Daily Dingers and make your FREE pick on who’s hitting a homer. http://fanduel.com/whiskey Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:20Speaker 01

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• 0:24Speaker 02

  Nah, I got this. Hmm, okay, I don't got this.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, you need Nyquil Intense Flu.

• 0:32Speaker 03

  Undo your flu with Nyquil Intense Flu. Nyquil Intense Flu provides powerful relief of your flu symptoms so you can sleep.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  You do got this.

• 0:42Speaker 03

  Nyquil Intense Flu, the nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best sleep with a flu medicine. Uses directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 0:49Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by FanDuel. Well, I'm no longer touring this year, friends, but I am putting together a tour for 2027. The year of our Lord, and I'll be coming to your town. No matter where you are, I want to come see you, putting together a big, big multi-city tour. Comment down below on this video and let me know where you want me to be. And I'll come out there and perform and give you the laughies. All right, okay, let's go to the episode.

• 1:17Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:23Speaker 06

  Who are that creature in the ginger beard? Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse. Ginger's a hell no. The whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.

• 1:42Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests by the name of me once again today. It is the return of Kelsey Fast Hands Cook.

• 1:52Andrew Santino?

  I think about you every time I play foosball. Every time I think you pop into my brain. I should send you a text, but I think that's weird and annoying to be like playing foosball at a bar.

• 2:00Speaker 07

  You would be surprised how many texts I get just from random comments like, there's a foosball table at this bar, just thought you should know.

• 2:06Andrew Santino?

  But that's sweet.

• 2:07Speaker 07

  No, I know, I love it.

• 2:08Andrew Santino?

  It's like it's a reminder of you. Like I saw a video of a guy, this, it made me laugh the other day so hard. There were these guys, they're on a golf course and a butterfly flies by. And somebody goes, oh, oh, that, there's Sharon, there she is, there's Sharon. And he goes, you know how people assign a dead person to like an ant? He's like, oh, there's Sharon, only comes out in the summer, Sharon does. Her ghost isn't a, apparently Sharon disappears in the afterlife in the winter. I was like, that's so funny, like the reminder of something. He's like, yeah, Sharon's a seasonal ghost. She only comes out in the summer.

• 2:39Speaker 07

  It's always a butterfly.

• 2:40Andrew Santino?

  It is always a butterfly.

• 2:41Speaker 07

  It's never like an ant.

• 2:43Andrew Santino?

  No, oh, there's Michael, there he is. Oh, there he is again. That is true, why a butterfly? But butterflies, I did see a monarch yesterday, pretty beautiful.

• 2:52Speaker 07

  And I got, I am one of those people, I'm like, there's grandma.

• 2:55Andrew Santino?

  There's grandma.

• 2:56Speaker 07

  Just because she died when I was young and everybody in my family was like, she's gonna come back as a butterfly. And I know, who fucking knows, but that just stuck in my brain. And so I still, I'm like, grandma, is that you? I don't know.

• 3:06Andrew Santino?

  And the butterfly doesn't respond, of course, it continues to fly away.

• 3:09Speaker 07

  Naturally.

• 3:09Andrew Santino?

  All, my mother has a, in our garden, uh, she's got a, in our garden, what am I, British? In our backyard, that's insane.

• 3:17Speaker 07

  In my garden.

• 3:17Andrew Santino?

  In a garden, in my mom's garden.

• 3:20Speaker 07

  I just bought a tea.

• 3:21Andrew Santino?

  I'm in my mom's garden having tea. And she's got wind chimes in the little baby tree and it's for my grandmother. And sometimes, you know, like it'll ring and my mom is like, oh, there's Nana. And I'm like, this is, it's kind of a windy day.

• 3:39Andrew Santino?

  Like, yeah, but also it's just a windy day.

• 3:42Speaker 07

  You put a noisy thing in front of a breeze, so it's kind of like.

• 3:46Andrew Santino?

  Like for sure, yes, there's Nana. But does, how about Nana show up when there's no wind?

• 3:52Speaker 07

  There's also weather patterns, so we don't know.

• 3:55Andrew Santino?

  It's Chicago in the summer, it's a little windy, it's whatever. Kelsey Cook is here today, a good old friend of ours. We love her, we miss her, she's no longer with us, she's alive, but she's in the Midwest now.

• 4:07Speaker 07

  She's passed to Minnesota.

• 4:09Andrew Santino?

  She's passed on to Minnesota with her incredible funny, uh, fiance, fiance.

• 4:15Speaker 07

  Fiance.

• 4:15Andrew Santino?

  Fiance, I should say. I'm not allowed to say married, I said it on accident, but it's coming.

• 4:19Speaker 07

  It was only because then I thought you'd probably call him husband again. And then I'd have to do the awkward like, well, yes, we're getting married next month and I don't know, I just.

• 4:27Andrew Santino?

  But what's the date of your marriage?

• 4:29Speaker 07

  So we're getting married five days after my Netflix special comes out.

• 4:33Andrew Santino?

  That's amazing, what a party.

• 4:35Speaker 07

  Gonna be an incredible week. I mean, we didn't plan it like that. We planned, you know, we set the wedding date and then they were like, here's your Netflix date. And I was like, holy fuck, that's gonna, I mean, again, it's gonna be great, but just.

• 4:46Andrew Santino?

  What a great party to have.

• 4:47Speaker 07

  A lot of sweating that week.

• 4:49Andrew Santino?

  No, you should, that's so dumb, get that out of here, what a celebration. You've already done it, you did the work, let it go.

• 4:54Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:54Andrew Santino?

  Happy Hour on Netflix is available right now, please go watch that, even pause the show, turn off the show, I don't care. Go watch the special and come on back in a little bit later. Once you're fully satiated, sa- sa- satiated, satiate, satiated.

• 5:07Speaker 07

  You got the fiance.

• 5:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, fiance and satiation. I'm learning words, I'm taking a words class at night. But go watch Happy Hour, it's on Netflix right now, uh, because that would mean a lot to us and support the community of an extremely funny human being. Who's, you know, a Minnesota people, he's a Minnesota boy, as you might remember.

• 5:23Speaker 07

  That's right.

• 5:24Andrew Santino?

  But he's from the rich, rich, rich, rich area.

• 5:27Speaker 07

  Edina?

• 5:27Andrew Santino?

  No, he's not at all, no, no, he's from Hottega.

• 5:30Speaker 07

  Oh, see, I've lived there three and a half years and I still don't know.

• 5:34Andrew Santino?

  We don't even have a high school or a middle school. They don't even have a water tower.

• 5:37Speaker 07

  Just down in the field, you learn?

• 5:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 5:41Speaker 07

  Tough in the winter there.

• 5:43Andrew Santino?

  Every, that is the Midwest, every water tower that dictates what town you're in now. That has like the township name written on the water tower.

• 5:50Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 5:50Andrew Santino?

  That is so fun, that is, as a kid, when we were going traveling for like basketball or something, that's how I'd recognize when we were getting close to where we were going. I'm gonna go, there's a water tower for that town.

• 6:00Speaker 07

  I'm gonna think about it, you're so right, now I'm just, it's like constant water tower.

• 6:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Am I, I'm too dumb?

• 6:06Speaker 07

  I don't know.

• 6:07Andrew Santino?

  Why do we have to mark those with water, why do, why do they have water towers? We have reservoirs everywhere else? Look at, none of us know. We just grew up with these things and threw stuff at them to make the ting sound. We throw a rock and hear bong.

• 6:18Speaker 07

  These giant things are there.

• 6:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's so weird, like when you're flying over the Midwest, that's all you see is water towers. My little Google boy is gonna look it up right now. Where did you shoot Happy Hour?

• 6:27Speaker 07

  Uh, in the Twin Cities, in St. Paul, yeah.

• 6:30Andrew Santino?

  Cool, I shot my last special in Minnesota myself.

• 6:32Speaker 07

  That's right, I forgot.

• 6:33Andrew Santino?

  What is it?

• 6:34Speaker 05

  It's more so a water pressure thing, my mic cord is dead, but it's more so a water pressure thing.

• 6:38Andrew Santino?

  Your microphone is dead? What kind of fucking operation is this? All right, we'll get a new table.

• 6:44Speaker 07

  So glad we were here for this.

• 6:45Andrew Santino?

  Uh, yeah, I shot it in Minnesota, yeah, I shot it in Minnesota, because of you. Uh, no, I shot it at the, uh, I shot it at the Pantages.

• 6:53Speaker 07

  Oh, that's right, okay, you were, I did it in St. Paul, it's just a city over.

• 6:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 6:58Speaker 07

  At, uh, Fitzgerald Theater. What was your experience at Pantages? Was it great?

• 7:01Andrew Santino?

  Fantastic, we did four shows, yeah, we did four shows, which was kind of daunting. I, I really wanted to do four, at first, I've always done two and then I thought, maybe four would be more fun.

• 7:12Speaker 07

  Did it make a positive difference?

• 7:15Andrew Santino?

  I had a little bit of a panic attack on the first one, so I'm glad I got four. Well, just because like the rhythm was not what I wanted and I went into it with full panic because Shane Gillis was playing with the timbrels playing, Kevin Hart was playing in amphitheater and I was like, this is not cool. For my special?

• 7:28Speaker 07

  God.

• 7:29Andrew Santino?

  It worked out great.

• 7:30Speaker 07

  Always something.

• 7:31Andrew Santino?

  I know, we sold out four shows, it was fine, it was awesome, I was so happy to shoot it there, but Minnesota's always given me good love, so I did it there, but, um, it was good. You did two?

• 7:39Speaker 07

  Two.

• 7:40Andrew Santino?

  Now, did you blend them or did you use one?

• 7:43Speaker 07

  I blended them, but it was mostly the first one, we, okay, so it was like a weird thing going into it. I had a mild concussion when I shot the special because we got into.

• 7:55Andrew Santino?

  Do I need to call Chad?

• 7:55Speaker 07

  A car. Got into a car accident three weeks before.

• 7:59Andrew Santino?

  Oh shit.

• 8:00Speaker 07

  Um, we were going to a Vikings game and took the exit off the freeway and I'm just sitting at a stoplight. And this like comically large truck, like monster truck rally truck, just didn't stop. They just like went into the back of our stopped car.

• 8:17Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit.

• 8:18Speaker 07

  And, um, so my head didn't hit anything, but it was just like the whiplash was hard enough. Chad was fine. I learned that this is like partly why there can't be checking in women's hockey because of like our bird bone necks.

• 8:32Andrew Santino?

  Well, your brains are smaller.

• 8:33Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'm obviously, yes, that too.

• 8:37Andrew Santino?

  Bird bone necks, is that? I'm gonna say that to my wife, hey, bird bone neck, where's my dinner? Like it's the 50s. Give me my dinner, bird bone neck.

• 8:48Speaker 07

  Oh, God. But he, like, he was fine, this like strong dude, you know?

• 8:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, big man.

• 8:53Speaker 07

  And I, anyway, so get out of the car, the guy's like, this is just like guy in his twenties, he's like, I mean, I stopped, I don't know. And I'm like.

• 9:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you used our car to stop.

• 9:05Speaker 07

  My anal cavity, yeah, you're like, your car's fucking my car right now, it's like in. It was such a weird thing to be like, I stopped, it's like clearly no.

• 9:15Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 9:15Speaker 07

  This is a whole thing now, so, and then I was like, I still want to go to the game, I don't want this guy to have like ruined us going to the game. I'm sure I'm fine. And then we're sitting there watching the game and I realize I've just been staring at the same patch of grass for like 10 minutes, just like not, not there. So, uh, had to go to urgent care twice that week, started like throwing up. Just this whole thing, so tough going into a special where you're like, would love to be mentally sharp.

• 9:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 9:45Speaker 07

  And I can't look into light right now. So we had to like dim the lights. A little bit for the special.

• 9:51Andrew Santino?

  You had to physically change it for the special.

• 9:53Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 9:53Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god, dude.

• 9:54Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 9:55Andrew Santino?

  That's terrible.

• 9:56Speaker 07

  I know.

• 9:56Andrew Santino?

  But you can't postpone because all these people have set it up and you're like, and that's another guilt trip thing. You're like, I can't, I have to do it. Now I don't have a choice.

• 10:04Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 10:04Andrew Santino?

  All these humans have put in all this work. Oh, god, that's what a daunting experience.

• 10:08Speaker 07

  I know, but it's like what you're talking about with finding out that Shane and Kevin Hart are performing where you're like.

• 10:14Andrew Santino?

  What am I gonna do?

• 10:15Speaker 07

  What, yeah, you're just like, it's, the train is in motion. It's too close now to stop it and change it. And then we had some like kind of weird things day of. My makeup artist, she did a, a great job, but just like, took, she took a long time to the point where there wasn't really time to, I feel like, get in a good mindset beforehand. So I like fucked up a line the first show. Had, you know, where you're just up there like, god damn it. And the concussion wasn't helping. So when you're asking if I did one or two, I blended.

• 10:50Andrew Santino?

  You have to.

• 10:51Speaker 07

  Cause I was like.

• 10:51Andrew Santino?

  Well, there's no shame in that game. I, I would argue most comedians do that. In fact, Chris Rock made an entire special where that's all he did.

• 10:58Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 10:59Andrew Santino?

  Blend, how many shows was that? Four shows or something like that? He did one in every city. Do you remember that? And he like mixed them or whatever?

• 11:05Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 11:07Andrew Santino?

  I can't remember the name of that, whatever.

• 11:08Speaker 07

  Wolf did that too.

• 11:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 11:09Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 11:09Andrew Santino?

  Where they blended every city or whatever?

• 11:11Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 11:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's fucking, who gives a shit? I mean, it's like tambourine.

• 11:14Speaker 07

  Oh, that's right.

• 11:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's, there's this weird idea that it's like, you should get it in one. You're like, no, because stand-up, as fans know, changes every night. So what's to say that like the second night, uh, tag or punch or something you did differently the first night, just rhythmically, is gonna be better? Sometimes it is, you know, and like, and sometimes it's worse. There's ones where I did the second show and you're like, well, that landed harder at the eight o'clock. My god, I thought you'd like that joke. And they're like, we don't. We don't like that at all.

• 11:44Speaker 07

  Can I tell you the most diabolical Chad story? This is before I knew him, but this is like, his lore is that he had a show one time. First show went great, great crowd. Second show, didn't like the crowd as much. And they would give him a reaction to a joke that he didn't like, and he would pull up his voice recorder and play the joke from the first show and be like, this is what a good crowd sounds like, just so you know. I'm like, the balls on you. I mean, he, I am amazed by him all the time. He's so, he's just not afraid of anything.

• 12:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, good. Why, well, why? I mean, it's comedy. It's, it's supposed to be free and stupid. The tension of filming a special is what kind of ruins a little bit of the comedy, cause you're like, I shouldn't feel this way. I should feel as fun as I always feel when I'm

• 12:28Speaker 07

  Right.

• 12:28Andrew Santino?

  doing this, when I did this before. It's not like it's your first go. It's like, you should feel that way. But like you said, you were like, do you feel this, this, this thing during the week of your, uh, run-up for the special? No, cause you can't change it. It's over now. You already did it. It's locked. You did all the work to do all the, all the nitpicking that you needed to do.

• 12:48Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 12:49Andrew Santino?

  It's honestly, it's like, I hate to be that cliche thing, but it's like, it's out of your hands. It's over now. You really, it is. It's gone.

• 12:56Speaker 07

  I know. Do you know the, um, the quote, let go or be dragged?

• 12:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, let go.

• 13:00Speaker 07

  I fucking love, I know.

• 13:01Andrew Santino?

  Let go. But it is cool to be dragged sometimes. You ever been behind a boat? You know what I mean? Like, it is fun to be dragged sometimes.

• 13:06Speaker 07

  Minnesota, lakes in the summer.

• 13:07Andrew Santino?

  Lakes in the summer. Have you been, have you guys been laking it up lately?

• 13:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, Chad bought a cabin in 2020. And so, we go up there. It's very nice.

• 13:15Andrew Santino?

  So thank you, China, I guess, huh?

• 13:18Speaker 07

  Little Wuhan.

• 13:19Andrew Santino?

  Wuhan comes and Chad goes, let's get a cabin, baby. It is fun, lake life. What is it, me and, me and O'Connor used to say? When we go back to the Midwest in the summer, like we go down to, uh, or up to, uh, Madison, we'd go in the lake and we'd go, lake it easy, dude. Lake it easy, dude. We'd be laking it easy all day. Now you're out in the lake, you're out in the boat, and we talked a little bit before the show, but no more drinky pinky anymore. That's gone.

• 13:43Speaker 07

  I know.

• 13:43Andrew Santino?

  No more booze on the boat, which by the way, safer.

• 13:46Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 13:46Andrew Santino?

  Uh, safer, better for your health.

• 13:49Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 13:49Andrew Santino?

  Better for you.

• 13:51Speaker 07

  Better in every way, just less, I don't know.

• 13:56Andrew Santino?

  Bullshit?

• 13:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, a little less.

• 13:58Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're healthier physically then, you're healthier mentally then. Some of us need to escape.

• 14:04Andrew Santino?

  I do, I will say, having a beer on a boat is something, I don't, there's something about it that is.

• 14:08Speaker 07

  I know.

• 14:09Andrew Santino?

  But I get it. But I think you guys putting it away together is cool. It's cool when couples are like, we'll try it.

• 14:14Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 14:15Andrew Santino?

  We'll take a break and see how it goes. And then two years later, you don't pine for it at all.

• 14:19Speaker 07

  Well, we still pine for it.

• 14:21Andrew Santino?

  Do you?

• 14:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, but it's only, it's like being on the boat in the sun. And sometimes we'll look at each other and be like, oh, margarita right now. Would just be so nice. Like, we still, it's, it's not, for me, it's not like I have a bad day and I'm like, I wanna get fucked up. It's in the celebratory way where I'm like, this would be fun, right? This would make it maybe a little more fun.

• 14:43Andrew Santino?

  So some would argue that's, that's a good, you don't have a problem then.

• 14:46Speaker 07

  Right. I never felt like I had a problem, but, I mean, I mean, everybody feels like this. I think the older you get, the hangovers just are

• 14:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 14:54Speaker 07

  Tough. They are, they're tougher, they last longer. Um, and so Chad and I both were like, let's just, let's just like take a break. And we'll see how we feel. And we never thought we were gonna like fully give it up, but then we would go to a concert and be like, okay, let's see what it's like to go to a concert and not drink. It was surprisingly a great time. Get, drive home, not worry about driving, you know, you're not forgetting half the concert the next day. It was nice. So we were like, well, if some of the things that we thought we would want alcohol for are still fun, then it, it made it hard to wanna go back, I guess.

• 15:30Andrew Santino?

  A hundred percent. No, I, I, trust me, I totally, there's moments where I wish I wasn't as drunk, so I really enjoyed the thing a little bit more. But then there are days, I can't even lie to you.

• 15:38Speaker 07

  No.

• 15:39Andrew Santino?

  That with the boys, when I'm laking it easy on the boat and having a little sipper sapper, and I'm jumping in the water and I'm laughing and being a little kid. No, but it's, it's the same thing for me, is I never have a, I'm so upset, I need a beer.

• 15:51Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 15:51Andrew Santino?

  For me, it's like, you know, if me and the kid go get something, I'm like, do you wanna go get a beer today? If it's like a nice, it's a, yeah, it's almost like an end cap to all of it.

• 16:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 16:01Andrew Santino?

  Now, do you consume anything else now?

• 16:02Speaker 07

  No, I've been like,

• 16:05Andrew Santino?

  Sober, sober.

• 16:05Speaker 07

  Really sober, yeah, which.

• 16:07Andrew Santino?

  Chad too.

• 16:08Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 16:08Andrew Santino?

  Good. Were you ever a weed? Never a weed?

• 16:10Speaker 07

  Not really. I would like.

• 16:12Andrew Santino?

  Ever a weed?

• 16:12Speaker 07

  No, we would do like a gummy occasionally. I don't know. I'm, I feel like the older I get, I'm getting so fucking bland. I'm just like.

• 16:21Andrew Santino?

  No, come on, what do you mean? No, it's just you're, you just don't need these things and that's fine.

• 16:25Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 16:26Andrew Santino?

  That's okay. The Midwest has really got you, uh,

• 16:30Andrew Santino?

  really tamed you down. Cause when you were out here, man, it was, I would see, she'd be doing bumps before she'd get on stage. I'm like, is that Kelsey bumping in the hallway? And she's like, out of my way, Santines.

• 16:41Speaker 07

  Just a little raccoon lady.

• 16:42Andrew Santino?

  You were nuts, yeah. You were feral. You were, she was crazy, dude. No, I think, I think you do, as you do get older, it is, it certainly does change your perception of, uh, uh, what's worth it or not.

• 16:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's always a little bit of a, it's a give and take. I mean, the times where I would drink, maybe it would feel a little more exciting in the moment, but then I'd pay for the next day. And now it's like, I feel like not drinking has uncomplicated my life in a lot of ways, where it's like, Chad and I aren't getting into like dumb drunk argu-, you know, it's just like, all these little things that can come off of alcohol. You're just like, oh, that's just like, we don't do that anymore.

• 17:19Andrew Santino?

  Now, when you get into a fight, you know it's real.

• 17:21Speaker 07

  Now it's like, we're fucking locked in. You're focused.

• 17:27Andrew Santino?

  Are you guys getting married back in Minnesota?

• 17:29Speaker 07

  No, we're gonna do it in Spokane.

• 17:31Andrew Santino?

  Spokane, everybody's invited. Uh, Joe, put the address here down below for the wedding venue, please, and the phone number to call in and reserve one of the blocks of rooms that are blocked out. The code name is, uh, Cook, Cook Daniels Wedding. Uh, uh, and please put it up right there so the fans can call. And anybody's allowed to attend. So, please go. You're going back in your hometown.

• 17:51Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 17:51Andrew Santino?

  Wait, where's he from? He's from Minnesota.

• 17:52Speaker 07

  He's from Minnesota, yep.

• 17:53Andrew Santino?

  So he, he said, okay, we'll do for, we'll go to your family's hometown. That was nice.

• 17:58Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 17:58Andrew Santino?

  Well, you moved there for him.

• 18:00Speaker 07

  It was like a thing, yeah, like, he's given me that little, that little chunk.

• 18:05Andrew Santino?

  That's sweet.

• 18:06Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:06Andrew Santino?

  And then is a honeymoon planned, or since you're both comedians, it's like we're touring right after, so no?

• 18:10Speaker 07

  We're touring Europe together in the fall, and so that's gonna kind of just be like.

• 18:15Andrew Santino?

  You're doing co-headlining shows?

• 18:17Speaker 07

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:17Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my god, this is the best. You're, you guys are like one of the only, there's only a few comedy couples, like Natasha and Moshe.

• 18:24Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 18:25Andrew Santino?

  Uh, what?

• 18:30Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you made a face. Well, I thought you made a face because Moshe just had

• 18:33Speaker 07

  Oh, right, right, yes.

• 18:36Andrew Santino?

  I just saw Natasha the other day, but there's only a couple of comedy couples where both very funny, cool people and you guys get to co-headline? Bananas.

• 18:45Speaker 07

  It's fun.

• 18:46Andrew Santino?

  It's very cool.

• 18:47Speaker 07

  We, like, one of us goes up and tells the jokes that we have about the other, and then the other person goes up, tells our jokes about them, and then we go back on stage together and get to give our version of that, like, the rebuttal.

• 18:59Andrew Santino?

  That's great. Is there a tour name for this?

• 19:01Speaker 07

  Um, we were doing the Notebook rebuttal for a while. I don't know that we're actually gonna label that, but...

• 19:07Andrew Santino?

  Let's rename it right now.

• 19:08Speaker 07

  Yeah, okay.

• 19:09Andrew Santino?

  I really immediately went to that song Love and Marriage from, uh...

• 19:13Speaker 05

  From...

• 19:13Andrew Santino?

  From, yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:17Andrew Santino?

  What's wrong with me? Why can't I think of the name of that show? Am I crazy right now?

• 19:20Speaker 07

  Newlyweds?

• 19:21Speaker 05

  Al Bundy?

• 19:21Andrew Santino?

  Al Bundy? What am I talking about?

• 19:23Speaker 07

  Hmm.

• 19:24Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 19:26Andrew Santino?

  What is going on? Am I doing, you gave it, you gave me a brain fart this morning already once, and it's killing me, dude? Um, love and marriage, uh... This really pit-

• 19:37Speaker 05

  It was like the flagship Fox show.

• 19:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:40Andrew Santino?

  Google it right now. That's gonna really make me, this, this is really annoying. He was a shoe salesman. This is crazy. This is crazy.

• 19:46Speaker 07

  I know what you're talking about.

• 19:47Andrew Santino?

  Christina Applegate? What's wrong with me?

• 19:49Speaker 05

  The first word is married.

• 19:51Andrew Santino?

  Married with children.

• 19:52Speaker 07

  Married with children. There we go.

• 19:53Andrew Santino?

  I'm really appalled that I did that. I watched that show religiously when I was a little kid and my mom was not happy about it, because at the time it was like a dirty, it was like a rough around the edges show. It would be so tame today.

• 20:04Speaker 07

  Of course.

• 20:05Andrew Santino?

  But, but back then it was like, oh my god. Because he was like a misogynist. You know what I mean?

• 20:09Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:10Andrew Santino?

  America, he was kinda like what they would have pressed as like the new Al Bun- I mean, the new, um, honeymooners, you know, kinda that vibe, but Love and Marriage is what I just thought of for some, but no, but you want something that's got a rebuttal in it, something like that.

• 20:24Speaker 07

  Um...

• 20:25Andrew Santino?

  He said, she said.

• 20:26Speaker 07

  Yeah, live couples therapy.

• 20:28Andrew Santino?

  Live couples therapy, yeah, that's really good. And she's right. She's always right. She's always right.

• 20:34Speaker 07

  She's always right.

• 20:35Andrew Santino?

  She better be always right. I like at the end, you guys go out and combat each other. That's really good.

• 20:39Speaker 07

  It's fun. We did a few of them, um, on the East Coast last year, and it was a good time. And then it's nice because it's like a paid couples vacation.

• 20:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 07

  It's like all the parts of tour that we don't like, which is like being away from each other. It's like, then it goes away, because you're just like, oh no, we're on vacation.

• 20:56Andrew Santino?

  You're gonna get separate hotel rooms, though, right?

• 20:58Speaker 07

  I mean-

• 20:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you have to. You need your space. At some point-

• 21:00Speaker 07

  Goes without saying.

• 21:01Andrew Santino?

  You need your space. You just get the shared door, you know, the room with the shared, that's actually pretty good. Check in when you need to.

• 21:06Speaker 07

  Not bad. Pop your head around. You good?

• 21:10Andrew Santino?

  Do you have any toothpaste? It's a double lock door. What, now what cities are you going to?

• 21:16Speaker 07

  Um, Dublin, London, Paris, and Amsterdam.

• 21:20Andrew Santino?

  Gonna have a blast, dude. Dublin show was one of the best shows we've ever done. We've ever done in my career.

• 21:26Speaker 07

  No shit.

• 21:27Andrew Santino?

  Hands down. Hands down. It was called the, uh, it was called the, um...

• 21:31Speaker 05

  Three Arts?

• 21:32Andrew Santino?

  The Three, Three-

• 21:33Speaker 05

  That was the arena.

• 21:34Andrew Santino?

  Three Arts is what it was called? Three Art, yeah.

• 21:37Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 21:37Andrew Santino?

  Unbelievable show in Dublin. We got Irish step dancing on stage, who taught us how to step dance, which is hilarious, yeah.

• 21:43Speaker 07

  Oh my god.

• 21:44Andrew Santino?

  The Three Arena, yeah.

• 21:45Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 21:46Andrew Santino?

  It was so cool, man. The fans were, the whole time, the energy was through the roof, like, it never laxed. They never like, it was so, and that's because of boo- no, I'm kidding. No, they were partied out, man. It was fun.

• 21:58Speaker 07

  We went just for fun, uh, to Dublin, London, and Paris a couple of years ago, and we did the Guinness Tour. And we were sober at the time, and so at the end-

• 22:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you go upstairs.

• 22:08Speaker 07

  You go upstairs, and we asked for the-

• 22:10Andrew Santino?

  NA Guinness.

• 22:11Speaker 07

  The NA Guinness, and you should just, like, the fucking look they give you as they wheel out the dustiest keg of NA Guinness.

• 22:20Andrew Santino?

  We have to tap it now. No one ever tapped it. It's been on tap since we fucking made it. Thanks a lot, Cook.

• 22:27Andrew Santino?

  Does anyone know how to tap an NA keg? I mean, but you know what? Fuck them. They, by the way, their NA beer, when I'm on my, um, when I'm on a no booze kick,

• 22:38Andrew Santino?

  I think them and, and Heine Double Zero are my two favorites.

• 22:41Speaker 07

  It's, it's, I can't taste the difference. I mean, I'm sure people can, but I think it's good.

• 22:46Andrew Santino?

  I can, but, but I don't care.

• 22:48Speaker 07

  It's good, yeah.

• 22:48Andrew Santino?

  Their NA is really good and Heine makes a good one. I mean, there's so many good ones now, like, my brother-in-law is, he doesn't really drink anymore, and so-

• 22:54Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 22:55Andrew Santino?

  We get him Athletics, Athletic Brewing.

• 22:57Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:57Andrew Santino?

  He fucking loves them. And, and, and he's like, this one tastes, they're getting better as time goes on. When we're like in our 60s, I bet you it's gonna be flawless. The flavor profiles will be really good.

• 23:09Speaker 07

  It's crazy, yeah, but at the time, you could tell it was not-

• 23:13Andrew Santino?

  They were bummed.

• 23:14Speaker 07

  Yeah. I felt like it's, it's like holding up Bono's severed head or something. It's like a very disrespectful thing to do in Ireland is just to be like-

• 23:24Andrew Santino?

  You walking upstairs with Bono's head?

• 23:27Speaker 07

  He's like, you know-

• 23:28Andrew Santino?

  What an image.

• 23:29Speaker 07

  Prince.

• 23:29Andrew Santino?

  I know. He's their king.

• 23:30Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:32Andrew Santino?

  But, but you're right. I get it. I get their little attitude about it, but so what? That's why they look 10 years older and you look younger than your age. Really, truly, dude. You go to, I go to Ireland. I go to Ireland and they're like, how old are you? And I'm like, 42, and they're like, oh my god. Really?

• 23:46Speaker 07

  A pup.

• 23:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because they, a 30-year-old there looks 65. The weather, the booze, the food, there's no salvation there.

• 23:54Speaker 07

  The spray of the sea. It's just-

• 23:57Andrew Santino?

  It's salting your face every day.

• 23:59Speaker 07

  Just crusting it out like a Bavarian pretzel, just fucking cracked and shitty.

• 24:05Andrew Santino?

  Get the mustard. Get the mustard, scrape some salt off of your face. But you're gonna have so much fun. The Irish crowds were by far my favorite.

• 24:13Speaker 07

  I'm so excited.

• 24:14Andrew Santino?

  Uh, slanted bias, because we knew going in that it was like, we were excited. There was something, it was like, there was like a feeling in the air of that place. I don't even, I can't even describe it. It was like, you knew day, show, show day. We were buzzing. I, I, like, the town was excited, like, Dublin is a big, small city. It's pretty small. It's big, but it's pretty small. Like, you, you're in town, they know you're in town. Everywhere we went, people were like, so excited that we were there. The rhythm was amazing. It was like, it was cool, man. You're gonna love it.

• 24:44Speaker 07

  Do you feel like you got this extra excitement because you're a ginger?

• 24:47Andrew Santino?

  Yes. Yes, I felt more at home than ever, yeah.

• 24:50Speaker 07

  Yes, yes, yes, yeah.

• 24:51Andrew Santino?

  And they, and they, and they trust me more and they love me more than Bobby, because they see Bobby and they love him, he's cute, but he still is a little threat. He's a little tiny Asian threat, you know? A little tiny ninja. So they, they loved, I got, I got a lot of love out there, but I, but, you know, but again, London was great, Amsterdam, you're gonna have a blast. We didn't play Amsterdam together, but I've been and it's good god, dude. So fun.

• 25:14Speaker 07

  I can't wait.

• 25:15Andrew Santino?

  Don't do drugs. But go to the red light district. Go get a prostitute together, because they're legal. That's a good relationship bonding experience. That's a honeymoon.

• 25:23Speaker 07

  That's a nice honeymoon.

• 25:24Andrew Santino?

  What did you guys do for your honeymoon? We got a prostitute together in the red light district. Oh, sweet. He picked mine, I picked his.

• 25:31Speaker 07

  You know, it's funny, I had a layover in Amsterdam on like a high school Europe trip. My brother was with us and he was in, I don't know, he couldn't have been more than like 10 or something, and we walked by in the red light district, and there was a, like, very, very large prostitute, wearing like the teeniest, tiniest little bikini, and she was eating a cheeseburger in the window, and she saw my brother and she went

• 25:57Speaker 07

  and she did this, and he like, just screamed around. It was amazing.

• 26:01Andrew Santino?

  That stayed with him for years.

• 26:02Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah. I hope she's still there.

• 26:03Andrew Santino?

  She probably is. Yeah, I don't, I would say she probably is. Your brother's, your brother's grown now. Does he, does he have penance for big women?

• 26:13Speaker 07

  He doesn't.

• 26:13Andrew Santino?

  That, that didn't singe its way into his brain?

• 26:15Speaker 07

  No, no, no, no.

• 26:16Andrew Santino?

  It is interesting what you think, like, you love what you, what kind of women or men that you like based on what happened during your childhood. Because I do think, I remember being at a Chuck E. Cheese as a young boy, I think it was my cousin's birthday, and I saw this, uh, this Latino chick who I, I, I've told this before, I don't remember anything other than feeling like, I, I don't know what that is, but I like, oh, there's something inside of me. Do you know what I mean?

• 26:43Speaker 07

  There was a tingle downstairs.

• 26:45Andrew Santino?

  There was just something happening that I was like, what is, I like that person. I wanna, I wanna say, see that person. It was weird. I couldn't describe. And then for years, all I liked was dark-haired girls. Like, it was like singed into my brain.

• 26:56Speaker 07

  Really?

• 26:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dark eyes, dark hair. I was like obsessed when I was young.

• 26:59Speaker 07

  Does your mom have dark hair and dark eyes?

• 27:01Andrew Santino?

  No, my mom's a blonde. My mom's a blonde, blonde hair, blue eyes.

• 27:04Speaker 07

  Interesting.

• 27:05Andrew Santino?

  Well, it's dyed. It's dyed. It's all dyed. But she's been blonde my whole life, since I can remember my mother as a blonde woman.

• 27:12Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 27:12Andrew Santino?

  She had like light brown hair, but dyed it blonde my whole life. You know?

• 27:17Speaker 07

  I do feel like people always say that.

• 27:18Andrew Santino?

  What's that? Your mommy? You like, you like your mom? Yeah, no, I know, blonde was never... Yeah, I was always dark hair. I was always something about dark-haired girl. They, they felt more dangerous.

• 27:29Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 27:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 27:31Speaker 07

  For a sweet ginger boy like you.

• 27:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I want some danger. Another light-haired, we can't go light and light hair, that's feels like, light hair, light hair feels scary.

• 27:39Speaker 07

  Right, right, right.

• 27:40Andrew Santino?

  If your husband has dark hair, you have light hair, that, this is a match. But two light-haired people, you're like, is everything okay?

• 27:45Speaker 07

  What are you doing? That's suspicious.

• 27:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that really is dangerous.

• 27:50Speaker 05

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 27:53Andrew Santino?

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• 28:36Andrew Santino?

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• 29:10Speaker 06

  Ginger. I like gingers.

• 29:13Andrew Santino?

  Does Chad's mom a blonde with blue eyes?

• 29:17Speaker 07

  She is now, but I think she was a brunette when she was younger.

• 29:21Andrew Santino?

  Alright.

• 29:21Speaker 07

  I think in the past, he's been with brunettes though.

• 29:25Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 29:25Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 29:26Andrew Santino?

  He was with other women before you?

• 29:28Speaker 07

  Pretty fucked up.

• 29:29Andrew Santino?

  Interesting Chad, we'll have to have a talk about that. That's disgusting.

• 29:33Speaker 07

  Discuss that on the golf course, I suppose?

• 29:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's something to chat about. That's something to chat about Chad, I'll mark that down. Is both his parents alive?

• 29:41Speaker 07

  No, so his mom's alive, but his dad, there's a whole, his dad was like, uh, I don't even know how to describe him, like always on the run from the law, and so like, they don't know for sure that he died, but they don't, i- like, I- I think he last saw him when he was in his early twenties, maybe?

• 30:03Andrew Santino?

  Wow. Does he talk, does he talk about it on stage? He ever speak about it?

• 30:06Speaker 07

  Yes, oh yeah, talks about it in multiple specials. His dad stole Chad's identity.

• 30:12Andrew Santino?

  Seriously?

• 30:12Speaker 07

  And like ruined his credit for a long time. I mean like, a true, like a career criminal.

• 30:19Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 30:19Speaker 07

  But started out super nice and then just got into drugs and then just really took a turn.

• 30:24Andrew Santino?

  That's a huge bummer.

• 30:25Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:25Andrew Santino?

  Sorry Chad.

• 30:26Speaker 07

  He, I mean, the, he's gotten a lot of great material out of it, but-

• 30:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's worked in his benefit. Probably made him a stronger man.

• 30:33Speaker 07

  For sure. He absolutely deserved a better dad than he got, but it really instilled in him, so he has two kids, and like, being a good dad to him is the most important thing in his life.

• 30:44Andrew Santino?

  Sure. You guys know kids, you guys.

• 30:46Speaker 07

  Mm-mm, yeah.

• 30:47Andrew Santino?

  Never gonna happen.

• 30:47Speaker 07

  No.

• 30:48Andrew Santino?

  It's, we don't have any kids, yeah. We're childless, childless scum. It is so funny when people, at this day and age, you know, I'm in my 40s now and everybody does ask like, "You guys are, you guys are, I can't..." And they get so, it's like their mainframe breaks, they can't believe it, they're like, "Why not?"

• 31:03Speaker 07

  It's shocking, yeah.

• 31:05Andrew Santino?

  It's a whole lot, there's a lot of stuff, but I mean, it's, I'm not gonna tell you now, you know what I mean? It's a weird, people do really wanna know, they cannot believe you don't wanna take their path. And I will say for the childless people out there, like us, the scum, uh-

• 31:18Speaker 07

  Selfish twats.

• 31:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Keep living your free life and do whatever you want and don't listen to people's judgments about it. There is a lot of odd judgment to it, for no reason.

• 31:27Speaker 07

  Yeah, it is funny, like the reasons people give for why you should, it's just like, none of that's a guarantee.

• 31:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 31:34Speaker 07

  It's just, I don't know. Do you have pets?

• 31:38Andrew Santino?

  We do. We have, we have a human. We actually have a, a human that we have as a pet.

• 31:41Speaker 07

  Oh, okay, great, yeah.

• 31:42Andrew Santino?

  That's our dog.

• 31:43Speaker 07

  Yeah, perfect.

• 31:44Andrew Santino?

  It's just a little boy that we boss around. Yeah, no, we have a dog, yeah. And we wanna get, I want, would like to get more dogs, but I have to leave Los Angeles. That's what I said to my wife, I was like, "You want a house full of dogs? We'd have to have way more room." We, we, you know, we live right now in a studio apartment, it's just us. What do you like, what was that funny? Is that funny to you? We live in a 200 square foot studio apartment. The kitchen is inside the bathroom.

• 32:06Speaker 07

  It's just actually right here.

• 32:07Andrew Santino?

  It's actually in this office, yeah. You're in my apartment right now.

• 32:11Speaker 07

  Oh fuck, that'd be such a funny con to be running this the whole time. You just have people over for the podcast, we have no idea you would like live in the closet next door.

• 32:18Andrew Santino?

  I have to hide my clothes every time, it's like, Kelsey's on her way dude, hide the bed. Yeah, a Murphy bed behind, behind this. The whiskey, this is my bed, it just yanks out, like that.

• 32:26Speaker 07

  Amazing.

• 32:27Andrew Santino?

  No, uh, we don't have them and that's, it is what it is. You know, I think my parents were very excited. Were your parents like, pushing you for this whole thing?

• 32:34Speaker 07

  No, they were, they were pretty okay with it. Um, my mom had me when she was older, and so I, I didn't have that pressure from her to have kids young at all. And then as I got older, I mean also, my mom has dementia, so like those conversations, we don't obviously really have anymore, but, um, yeah, it was nice. I didn't, I didn't really have that pressure. I feel bad, so your parents were kind of intense?

• 32:55Andrew Santino?

  No, no, they were very good. I'm saying the opposite, I think, I feel like a lot of people do get the heat.

• 32:58Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 32:59Andrew Santino?

  And my parents were very chill about it. It was never like, uh, especially because it was a personal thing that, you know, like going through the process was not fun. So for us, it was more like, you know, they were like, "Just be happy." I mean, my god, it's a hard, hard enough life to like, try to have kids, not have kids, and then people put a weird thing on you, so they never were like that, ever. But I have this, he's my child, this is my little child right there. I mean, you adopt people-

• 33:21Speaker 07

  Sweet boy.

• 33:22Andrew Santino?

  In life.

• 33:23Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 33:23Andrew Santino?

  You just adopt people. I know you post a lot about your mom online, I see these videos and I do, they're fantastic.

• 33:28Speaker 07

  Oh, thanks.

• 33:29Andrew Santino?

  I, I hate to be a cornball, but they, they're very inspirational in a way where,

• 33:32Speaker 07

  Thank you.

• 33:33Andrew Santino?

  It's nice to, not a lot of people show that side, or want to, because personal, I get it.

• 33:38Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 33:38Andrew Santino?

  But I think you do and it's really cool.

• 33:41Speaker 07

  Thanks for saying that.

• 33:42Andrew Santino?

  It's very, very cool. It, I think it does things for people to help them, uh, cope with that, how not easy it is. There's a guy that I followed online for a long time whose father had dementia, he lives with him, and they made hilarious videos together. Like his dad was very fun. Some people have a, it depends on, you know, which kind they have, obviously you know more than I do, but,

• 33:59Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 34:00Andrew Santino?

  It was interesting because they'd make funny videos together. It was like, very odd.

• 34:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's, yeah, the dementia, I mean, all the, the variants, it's so wide ranging, but, yeah, I think if you have a loved one, especially a parent with it, it's such an isolating experience, and like, those sort of, like if my mom's having a non-verbal day and I'm just like, sitting with her and we're like, eating cookies, sometimes those days are the hardest where you're just like, you feel like there's such a huge disconnect where you're like, "God, like where did my mom go? This is just like so hard." She's like not even speaking, not really acknowledging that she knows who I am, and I feel like if,

• 34:44Speaker 07

  I even post that, just to let people know if you also are having that, it just helps it a little bit. Like I've had, a lot of people come up after shows and be like, "Oh my god, like thank you so much," because it is just a, it's a fucking crazy, horrible disease. Like, I'll be FaceTiming with my mom and she'll start like, trying to eat her teddy bear and I have to be like, "Oh, remember, that's your teddy bear." And then you're like, "Well like, how did we get..." You know, but if you don't talk about it and try to like, bring some levity and, share stuff online, you'll fucking, you'll, I mean, you won't get through.

• 35:18Andrew Santino?

  I do feel bad sending your mom that chocolate teddy bear.

• 35:20Speaker 07

  I know, I keep telling you. It's just too much.

• 35:24Andrew Santino?

  You just have to separate the ones that are edible and the ones that are not, that's, like you, AI, there has to be an element of comedy to it, because it does, it's very dark and you, you handle it very well, I'm very,

• 35:33Speaker 07

  Oh, thank you.

• 35:33Andrew Santino?

  I'm surprised about that. Now, the hardest, does, does she, do you ever talk to comedy world with her or no? Like when?

• 35:42Speaker 07

  So she's in, like the last stage of the dementia, and so I, I was there two weekends ago and I showed her,

• 35:52Speaker 07

  I like started playing the special for her, and she's not really, like her eyes are closed for a lot of the time, sometimes she'll kind of open them and see what's going on. She laughed at one point and seemed to know it was me on the screen, which even just that, I hold on. Yeah, where I'm like, "Oh, this is so great," because, uh, yeah, you just, so many days, I don't think she knows who I am anymore, or like, won't speak, and, so I can't really, like I tell her everything, I'll be like, "Mom, my special's coming on Netflix, mom, this," and, you know, she either like, won't say anything, or she'll, the type of dementia she has affects her speech primarily, and so she'll just say like, non-words, and you're just like, "Yeah," like you just-

• 36:36Andrew Santino?

  She snee, she leans over to Chad, she's like, "It was terrible."

• 36:41Andrew Santino?

  "The special was so bad." Chad's like, "I know, I can't say anything to her, dude, I live with her."

• 36:46Speaker 07

  She's faking it this whole time, just to distance herself from me, and like-

• 36:50Andrew Santino?

  She's like, "Kelsey shit so bad, I, I have to pretend like I'm not here anymore, it's unbelievable, it's terrible."

• 36:57Speaker 07

  Oh, that's really funny. That's so funny. I say, I talk about her in the special, because she, she went to the hospital like a year ago, and she was fairly alert at this point, on that day, and I, I came out of the bathroom and she turned to Chad and she goes, "I like this girl."

• 37:14Andrew Santino?

  That's so fucking cool.

• 37:16Speaker 07

  And I was like, "Yeah, I'm your daughter," and she goes, "I don't know about that."

• 37:21Andrew Santino?

  And I was like- But she liked, but she likes this girl.

• 37:23Speaker 07

  I know, I was like, also, she said it when we were in the same, exact hospital she gave birth to me in, which just is like, "Oh, fucking gut punch, the place you were created, the person now like, yeah, I don't think, I don't think you're my daughter."

• 37:39Andrew Santino?

  You're my daughter. I liked my daughter. I like this girl. Would've been a good name for the special.

• 37:45Speaker 07

  Oh, I think-

• 37:47Andrew Santino?

  I like this girl.

• 37:47Speaker 07

  You know what, we thought about it, but I was worried it would come off cocky, like I was trying to, make people think that's what they would think of me by the end of it.

• 37:55Andrew Santino?

  But they would. I think, I think it's actually a very middle, "I like this girl" is a cool name for something. Use it for something else.

• 38:01Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 38:02Andrew Santino?

  If you do a piece about it, you know?

• 38:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:04Andrew Santino?

  "I like this girl" is kinda cool, I, it's very simple and he's like, "Oh, I like this girl."

• 38:08Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 38:09Andrew Santino?

  I think it's good, yeah.

• 38:10Speaker 05

  Also, the, the context within the special is nicer, within the story.

• 38:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 38:14Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 38:15Speaker 05

  Pete Davidson's early special was SMD, which is actually-

• 38:18Speaker 07

  Oh, right.

• 38:20Speaker 05

  That's his father's initials, who died.

• 38:21Speaker 07

  Right, okay, yeah. Yeah.

• 38:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, what, SMD, yeah.

• 38:27Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 38:28Andrew Santino?

  I know when everybody was like, "Suck my dick," yeah, and he's like, "That's my dad's, that's my dead dad's initials dude." "My dad died in 911, you wanna make fun of me more? You wanna make fun of me more, dude?" It's wild. But no, but anyway, I don't wanna stick into it, but I just wanted to tell you that it was cool. Like you, you put a clip of you guys singing music together, and that she was amped as fuck. And I was like, "This is a great clip, man." It was just so cool, she was buzzing, you could tell like, she was really vibing with it. And you were like, "Yeah, you like it?" She was like, "Yeah dude, I loved it, I loved that." I think, I think I connect to you, because my mom and I have, uh, music is a great bind. Most of my text messages to my mom are music.

• 39:11Andrew Santino?

  It's like songs, I'm always like, "Play this," because my mom's always like, "I want, I want new shit," but she's old enough now where, they're not finding new shit easily, it's a, the internet's a nightmare. So she's like, "Give me songs that you know I'd like," and I do know my mom's flavor, because it's embedded in my mind, growing up in the, as an 80s baby, like 80s music.

• 39:28Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 39:29Andrew Santino?

  Anyone, anything that has like a pop, an, a, a, a pop tune that has remnants of the 80s, I know my mom's gonna like it. And a lot of artists now are doing literally that, they're like stealing from the 80s.

• 39:41Speaker 07

  Olivia Dean.

• 39:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's exactly what they're doing, yes. Like that song, I just heard it today, uh, um- Already gay.

• 39:49Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 39:50Andrew Santino?

  That is such an 80's song.

• 39:51Speaker 07

  When you started saying that, I was like, that's the first song.

• 39:53Andrew Santino?

  That's an 80's song.

• 39:54Speaker 07

  Yep.

• 39:54Andrew Santino?

  That's 100% a song that I would hear my mom in the, in the living room, playing.

• 39:58Speaker 07

  Just a soft little sway.

• 39:59Andrew Santino?

  The man I need, exactly. Tell me the man I need. That's me in my car. And then I switch immediately to rap and I get out at the valet and I'm like, yeah, uh, park it anywhere, man.

• 40:11Speaker 07

  Thanks, bro.

• 40:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, bro. Thanks, dog. Oh, by the way, I want to go backwards for a second. This guy, this man that hit you drunk, obviously. Was there any, did you call the cops?

• 40:20Speaker 07

  We didn't, because it was, the area that we were in has so much traffic, it's like, right by the football stadium.

• 40:27Andrew Santino?

  Right your getting off.

• 40:28Speaker 07

  So it was like, if we call the cops, we, we won't be going to this game.

• 40:31Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 40:31Speaker 07

  We would have been standing there for hours and I just was like.

• 40:34Andrew Santino?

  Probably wouldn't come anyway. They're like, dude, we can't, this is.

• 40:36Speaker 07

  I don't want to get down on this. This is a clusterfuck. Fucking figure it out yourself. So, yeah, no, but, um, he wanted to not go through insurance, of course.

• 40:47Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 40:48Speaker 07

  And I was like, I'm gonna go through insurance.

• 40:53Speaker 07

  Like, the wild audacity of this guy to like, fuck up my car, give me a mild concussion and then be like, also, I want to be shady as fuck about all of this.

• 41:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 41:05Speaker 07

  Financially, I want it to be a problem. I'm like, no. So, he just was, yeah.

• 41:13Andrew Santino?

  He's, we're gone. It's fine. We're all done.

• 41:15Speaker 07

  It's done. Got a different car.

• 41:17Andrew Santino?

  I hit, uh, I hit someone's car. I parked outside of my house.

• 41:22Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 41:23Andrew Santino?

  Outside of my home. I'm backing out of my driveway like in a panic and I smashed into it. And, uh, she was so nice. She was like, it's alright. And I was like, what do you want me to, do you want my, and she's like, just give me some cash. And I was like.

• 41:36Speaker 07

  Really?

• 41:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. It was just a bumper. It was like a nick of a bumper.

• 41:40Speaker 07

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 41:41Andrew Santino?

  It hit a parked car. I was flying out, cause I was trying to, I had to go back, I was coming here. I had to run here, grab some stuff, go back and then go to the airport. And I was like, fuck, I left out of the studio. So I, I was gnaw out of my driveway and scuff right, uh, it's such a dumb. It's so funny, cause then afterwards, you're like, so many ways I could have prevented that.

• 42:01Speaker 07

  Oh, I know.

• 42:02Andrew Santino?

  She was cool about it.

• 42:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:03Andrew Santino?

  Cause then she wasn't even in the car. So it's not like I, I hit a parked car.

• 42:07Speaker 07

  That's way better.

• 42:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it was easy. But I didn't feel like a moron.

• 42:11Speaker 07

  Yeah, you're human.

• 42:12Andrew Santino?

  This is what we do.

• 42:13Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 42:14Andrew Santino?

  We're scrambled egg brains. You know what I mean? Like I'm trying my, I find myself that more and more. I'm like, there's so much going on. I don't have time. I'm, I am ready for, um, after it's all said and done, which is in the next few years. When we close down the pods and everything's over and I can retreat to my little getaway and then I'm done. That's it. I think there's this great idea that standups never retire. Maybe we do.

• 42:37Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 42:38Andrew Santino?

  Maybe we do.

• 42:38Speaker 07

  Chad and I are gonna retire.

• 42:40Andrew Santino?

  You guys are, yeah.

• 42:40Speaker 07

  He is getting pretty close, I think.

• 42:42Andrew Santino?

  Well, cause he's 74.

• 42:43Speaker 07

  He's 74.

• 42:46Andrew Santino?

  No, he, he's got what, you think? 10 years left? Meaning like, he would want to do, I'm not saying what he's got.

• 42:52Speaker 07

  I don't think he wants to tour that much longer, like, heavily tour that much longer. I think he will probably always want to get on stage, but, I mean, he's been doing this for like, I don't know, like almost 30 years, like.

• 43:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Cause you've been what, 15? What are you?

• 43:07Speaker 07

  17.

• 43:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:08Speaker 07

  Yeah. And it's like, this summer is the first time I've ever taken a summer off.

• 43:12Andrew Santino?

  Good for you.

• 43:13Speaker 07

  Thanks.

• 43:13Andrew Santino?

  This was my first year I took off. I've only done like one-off shows. Like I did a corporate and I'm doing one more casino in St. Louis. Like I'm doing like, just, I did a couple of bop rounds. Mostly because I owed them for rescheduling.

• 43:23Speaker 07

  Okay, yeah.

• 43:24Andrew Santino?

  But I didn't, this is the first year that I.

• 43:26Speaker 07

  Good for you. How's it felt?

• 43:28Andrew Santino?

  I, this, I hate to say this out loud. Fucking amazing. Like, I was like, this is amazing. Like, I thought I was gonna be anxious about it. I thought I was gonna, and I just don't. I'm like, I'll get back to it. I think for years I thought, you gotta do it. You know, it's like, like, you don't, what are you gonna stop, you idiot? And now I'm like, relax, dude. It's fine.

• 43:47Speaker 07

  Yeah, it really is.

• 43:48Andrew Santino?

  I, I, I'll go back out again. Like, it'll be great and I'll, I'll have more material. It'll be brand new for people and, yeah, it's, but the anxiety sucked for 20 years of my life of like, you gotta do it.

• 43:59Speaker 07

  I know.

• 44:00Andrew Santino?

  But now I feel like I'll just do it at my leisure when I feel like it's, I should do it instead of,

• 44:05Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 44:05Andrew Santino?

  I have to. It was like gun to the head and I didn't like that. There's many tours where I was like, I have to do this and I was overworking myself and scared. Like, they're not gonna like this. This isn't good enough. This hour isn't strong enough yet and all that shit. So, fuck that.

• 44:17Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 44:18Andrew Santino?

  Fuck that, dude.

• 44:18Speaker 07

  It's so nice to hear of another person taking some time off, because it is, it's that FOMO. It's like, you're almost afraid to tell anybody you're not, cause you're like, I don't want to be,

• 44:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:27Speaker 07

  People think I'm like a leper or something and that I'm like.

• 44:29Andrew Santino?

  Cooks getting lazy.

• 44:30Speaker 07

  Yeah. Because it is, I mean, it's always so rewarded to be on that, you know, constant.

• 44:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 44:37Speaker 07

  Grind and it's, yeah, it's, it's a lot.

• 44:41Andrew Santino?

  It's too much.

• 44:42Speaker 07

  Just a travel of it. If it was like, we only ever performed in the place we live, I think it'd be a little different, but the con, like, on a plane, almost every week. Different hotel bed. It's like, a lot.

• 44:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. What are your, what are your little, what are your little particulars in the hotel now that you've become a little snob a little bit? Is there things you need?

• 45:01Speaker 07

  I still, it's funny, Taylor Tomlinson like yells at me. She's like, stop, like.

• 45:05Andrew Santino?

  She yells at everybody, by the way.

• 45:07Speaker 07

  Book your own hotel. Like, get, get something nicer. Cause I still just like go with, like, the club's recommendations and stuff.

• 45:16Andrew Santino?

  What the fuck is wrong with you?

• 45:17Speaker 07

  I don't, I don't know. It's like.

• 45:18Andrew Santino?

  Are you sick?

• 45:19Speaker 07

  It's like the Spokane in me where it's just like, I'll just take it and I don't want to.

• 45:24Andrew Santino?

  It's like a Red Roof Inn off the highway?

• 45:26Speaker 07

  I have to stop. I have to stop.

• 45:28Andrew Santino?

  Like, we haven't changed these sheets since 96. You're like, dude.

• 45:31Speaker 07

  Fucking black mold growing on everything. I mean.

• 45:34Andrew Santino?

  Get a little nice hotel. You don't need to be super fancy, but get a, get something that's.

• 45:38Speaker 07

  I know. I, I do need to start being better about it. So.

• 45:42Andrew Santino?

  Chad does that, doesn't he? He gets nice hotels. I feel like he would do that. No?

• 45:46Speaker 07

  He just, I think, goes with, with the club says too.

• 45:48Andrew Santino?

  What's wrong with you guys?

• 45:49Speaker 07

  I don't know.

• 45:50Andrew Santino?

  You guys are sick. On this European vacation, you guys better, you better do nice hotels.

• 45:53Speaker 07

  I think better ones there.

• 45:54Andrew Santino?

  You deserve it. You've worked super fucking hard.

• 45:56Speaker 07

  Thanks.

• 45:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, get a nice hotel.

• 45:58Speaker 07

  Okay. Um, I will, I've done this for, for years. Before I leave the hotel room for the shows, I will set the thermostat super warm, so that when I come back, I feel like I'm getting a hug from the room.

• 46:11Andrew Santino?

  That's so sad. That's so sad. You're so lonely and sad on the road that you want a hug from a room. Fuck, that's deep, dude.

• 46:20Speaker 07

  I know.

• 46:21Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 46:21Speaker 07

  I know.

• 46:22Andrew Santino?

  What do you put it at? 77, something hot?

• 46:25Speaker 07

  Yeah, like a 76. I don't know.

• 46:27Andrew Santino?

  You're absurd, dude. I like it. Icebox. I turn that bitch to 64 and it doesn't go any lower. Well, by the way, hotels are bullshit. Those are lies. They never get to 64.

• 46:37Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 46:37Andrew Santino?

  It probably gets to 69 as, they have a, a governor on it. It can't go. It'll say a number, but I know it ain't 64.

• 46:44Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:44Andrew Santino?

  So I'll put it all the way down, just cause I know it's gonna do only its, its governed level. And it's usually 69 is what it gets down to. Maybe.

• 46:52Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 46:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, maybe at, at best 69.

• 46:54Speaker 07

  If you're lucky. 69, yeah. I mean, when I sleep, when I go to bed, I, I drop it way down, or else that's a nightmare to be sweating.

• 47:01Andrew Santino?

  Hot at night's gross.

• 47:02Speaker 07

  Yeah, horrible. But like, right when I come back, I ju, it's just like a little.

• 47:07Andrew Santino?

  Do you ever take a bath in the hotel?

• 47:08Speaker 07

  No. That, to me.

• 47:10Andrew Santino?

  Alright, that's, you can't cross that line.

• 47:12Speaker 07

  I mean, I have holes. You know, it's like, you can't.

• 47:14Andrew Santino?

  You do have holes.

• 47:15Speaker 07

  It's a little, I do feel like for men, it's a little bit like, you don't think about.

• 47:20Andrew Santino?

  I just put paper towel up there.

• 47:22Andrew Santino?

  I just cork it and then I get in the tub.

• 47:27Speaker 07

  It's a pipe cleaner?

• 47:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 47:30Andrew Santino?

  You need more than one, my friend, okay? I, I do take the occasional bath. I take the bath.

• 47:35Speaker 07

  Really? Yeah, but again, I don't, I don't judge a guy as hard for it. I've just.

• 47:41Andrew Santino?

  Sitting in the funk you don't like. You don't even bat at home.

• 47:44Speaker 07

  I, I bat at home.

• 47:45Andrew Santino?

  Okay, you do. It has to be your tub.

• 47:46Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 47:47Andrew Santino?

  See, I take it, if it's a nice enough hotel, I like to sit in it. Right before I do a show.

• 47:52Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 47:53Andrew Santino?

  I like to get in there. It, it gives me a warm feeling.

• 47:56Speaker 07

  Before a show?

• 47:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 47:57Speaker 07

  It doesn't put you to sleep?

• 47:58Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no. No, because, because usually I'll work, I'll wake up, coffee, write, hang out, fart around, tour the city.

• 48:06Speaker 07

  Yeah, a little coke.

• 48:06Andrew Santino?

  Take like a little tiny nap.

• 48:08Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 48:08Andrew Santino?

  Uh, and then gym usually to get my blood real high.

• 48:12Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 48:13Andrew Santino?

  Then, then little, but after you get out of the tub, you get in the shower.

• 48:17Speaker 07

  Okay, yeah. So you're.

• 48:18Andrew Santino?

  You have to go tub to the shower.

• 48:18Speaker 07

  You're kind of getting then whatever was on you off. Okay, okay, yeah.

• 48:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you get in the tub, just get in the shower. The tub is just a way for me to, um, laugh at how funny my wiener is underwater.

• 48:28Speaker 07

  Just a nice giggle before.

• 48:30Andrew Santino?

  It just looks so funny underwater. You're like, look at that guy. Cause he's flo, he floats in there.

• 48:36Speaker 07

  Just a mind of his own.

• 48:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I just want to see the snake in the water. That's all it really is. And then I get out of there and get back to my, no, but I, but the summer, this year has been a nice takeoff. I am, I will be happy next year to like, start something up again. I do think I'm excited for that, but you gotta have a little, I'm going to Scotland tomorrow.

• 48:53Speaker 07

  Oh my god.

• 48:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm leaving at like 7, 8, 6 a.m. tomorrow. Yeah, I'm out of here.

• 48:56Speaker 07

  That's amazing. And for performing or for fun?

• 48:59Andrew Santino?

  No, for fun. Scotland, London, uh, come back and then I go to the Midwest for, then I'm Midwest, go see family and friends and bounce around and disappear and then, yeah, I'm gone, I've been gone so much this year. It's been kind of crazy, but in a good way.

• 49:13Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 49:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 49:14Speaker 07

  That's awesome.

• 49:15Andrew Santino?

  Mexico, yeah. Yeah. Mexico, I owed money to the cartel. So I had to go back down and pay my dues, which is bad.

• 49:22Speaker 07

  As you do.

• 49:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, to kill three guys this year and every time I go down that, I do feel scared. I'm like, they're gonna kill me. They're going to kill me. Like, you're gonna get, I have a fear they're gonna pull you over. You're not gonna have enough money to pay them off and they're gonna be like, well, that's that. You die here now.

• 49:35Speaker 07

  Yeah, no, no, no.

• 49:36Andrew Santino?

  You don't go to Mexico.

• 49:37Speaker 07

  That fucking freaks me out a little bit, yeah.

• 49:38Andrew Santino?

  You won't go.

• 49:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, we went for, um, Chad's son's wedding, but if I'm going to like, go on a vacation somewhere, Mexico's not.

• 49:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dangerous.

• 49:47Speaker 07

  I don't know.

• 49:47Andrew Santino?

  I like, I like it. I drink the water, cause I like to lose a couple of pounds.

• 49:51Speaker 07

  Get that, what is the parasite that's going on right now?

• 49:55Andrew Santino?

  Oh, oh, the new one?

• 49:56Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 49:56Andrew Santino?

  What's the new one called again? How do you pronounce it? Cyclopsis? Cyclopsis, you get one eye. You shit so hard.

• 50:01Speaker 07

  We've been full of knowledge this whole episode, if people haven't caught on. We don't know what's going on.

• 50:07Andrew Santino?

  Oh, cyclospora, of course. Give it an easier fucking name.

• 50:10Speaker 07

  Cyclospora.

• 50:12Andrew Santino?

  Ha, in Ireland. They don't have cyclospora in Ireland. But I gotta tell you, when the CDC names these, give it an easier name.

• 50:17Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 50:18Andrew Santino?

  Explosive diarrhea from Taco Bell lettuce now is what's going on.

• 50:21Speaker 07

  I know. Taco Bell really took the brunt of that, but it's like.

• 50:24Andrew Santino?

  They did and they don't deserve it. Cause they've been giving diarrhea for years.

• 50:27Speaker 07

  I know. They're just coming out honest. They're like, you guys knew what was going on here from the jump. Fucking blame on like the salad kits. Those are where it's like, you're really getting deceived. You're trying to have a, a light dinner.

• 50:39Andrew Santino?

  Uh-uh. Yeah, you're gonna have a real, you're, you're gonna have a good exit. I'll tell you that. You knew what you were getting into when at 2:30 you ate yourself a, a cheesy gordita crunch and two chalupas. You were gonna, you were gonna have a nice flow. That's how it goes down there.

• 50:53Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 50:54Andrew Santino?

  They should embrace it a little bit. Be like, yeah, we do have cyclospora in the lettuce. So what? And the meat's not real. Big deal.

• 51:01Speaker 07

  Do you wanna keep doing your GLP one? Or do you wanna fucking enjoy something a little bit right before?

• 51:06Andrew Santino?

  Everybody's on these, by the way. Everyone is big GLP's.

• 51:09Speaker 07

  It seems like it, yeah.

• 51:10Andrew Santino?

  You and your husband are not. You and your fiance are not.

• 51:13Speaker 07

  Me and my fiance are not.

• 51:14Andrew Santino?

  No one is, no, no one is that I really love and respect. I'm kidding. Bobby's been on it for so long.

• 51:21Speaker 07

  I judge no one for doing it.

• 51:23Andrew Santino?

  No, no, I judge. Yeah, you judge. Yeah, come on, give me a fucking break. You're, you're, what do you mean? You're, it's like, it's like when they find out someone's, um, uh, doing the Tour de France or something and they take a shortcut. You're like, what?

• 51:35Speaker 07

  Get back on the main road, you fucker.

• 51:39Andrew Santino?

  Can't do that. It's the shortcut's bullshit. I, will there be, uh, repercussions from this? Absolutely. But whatever. It's gotta have some sad, sad side effect that we don't know. But it did help Bobby lose twenty some odd pounds. So I'm not gonna lie, it's been amazing. Yeah, he looks like a different human being.

• 51:58Speaker 07

  Really?

• 51:59Andrew Santino?

  He does. I mean, physically, it's crazy. His face-

• 52:01Speaker 07

  Well, he's so small to begin with.

• 52:03Andrew Santino?

  He was rotund, though. His belly was big, yeah. He looked like a guy from the Midwest. Yeah, he looked like a Midwest guy.

• 52:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, a lot of tater tot casserole's going on.

• 52:14Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Bobby was, he lived in Indiana for a little while.

• 52:16Speaker 07

  Is that true?

• 52:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Born in, born, uh, born there and then moved to San Diego.

• 52:20Speaker 07

  Oh, my gosh.

• 52:21Andrew Santino?

  Then they moved there, moved back.

• 52:23Speaker 07

  I've never talked about that with him. That's so funny.

• 52:25Andrew Santino?

  Don't need to talk to him about it much, really. The guy's not really, yeah, no, he was rotund like the Midwest. I thought about that this morning. I had a breakfast burrito and it was delicious, because that's what we do best here in Southern California.

• 52:33Speaker 07

  Yep.

• 52:34Andrew Santino?

  But they put fries in it and I thought, I would never eat french fries in the morning for breakfast any other time, except in a burrito. Cause I was like, well, it's in the burrito. Like, the burrito kinda hides all the, the stuff that you're embarrassed about.

• 52:48Speaker 07

  It's a wrap. It's healthy.

• 52:48Andrew Santino?

  It's in there. Yeah, it's in there. But no, but man, that's the one thing when I leave Southern California that I miss is breakfast burritos. They're my favorite way to start the day.

• 52:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's nice. Some good protein.

• 52:59Andrew Santino?

  Bagels.

• 53:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 53:01Andrew Santino?

  Midwest fat guy breakfast. It is, whenever I go back, whenever I'm like, how many eggs are in the scramble? They're like, seven? I'm like, for me? Is this for the table? They're like, what do you want? Less? They're like annoyed. They're annoyed, though, when you go, cause most of the time I will go, I'll say, can I have two eggs in the scramble? And they're like, well, we're charged, I mean, it's not gonna be cheaper. I'm like, no, no, it's fine. I just don't need five eggs.

• 53:24Speaker 07

  It's so, that's so funny. I just, last week, it's, have you ever been to Brueker's Bagels?

• 53:29Andrew Santino?

  I love Brueker's Bagels.

• 53:31Speaker 07

  I love them too. But they, I ordered like a-

• 53:33Andrew Santino?

  Don't say that to the Jews out here, though. They'll kill you. They're like, who's Brueker?

• 53:38Speaker 07

  Oh, no, fuck.

• 53:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. He's a goy. He's a goy.

• 53:42Speaker 07

  I just wanted egg and cheese on a bagel and I saw on the screen, it was like automatically like two eggs, two this, and I was like, oh, uh, can I, can I just have like, I didn't need it to be huge, but you're right, in the Midwest, it's like assumed, like, make it,

• 53:56Speaker 07

  make the rest of the day hard for her. Set her up for failure. Just fucking grease it up. I don't know, sometimes it's a lot.

• 54:03Andrew Santino?

  They do make you feel bad about it in the Midwest. What do you mean? You don't, you don't, what do you mean you don't want it? No, I just say just one piece of cheese instead of five. Why?

• 54:11Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 54:11Andrew Santino?

  Uh. You know, my, my heart? Like, my, my day, you know, my body, my butt, really, my ass.

• 54:20Speaker 07

  It's mostly my ass.

• 54:21Andrew Santino?

  It's pretty much all my ass. That's like when you go to Wisconsin, they, they look at you like crazy if you don't want cheese. When you, when someone in Wisconsin goes, can I get no cheese on the burger? They're like, no, it comes with cheese. You can take it off if you don't want it.

• 54:34Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 54:35Andrew Santino?

  There was some weird law, I think you have to look this up, this is crazy. My buddy Sean told me, Wisconsin, if, if a restaurant serves cheese, they have to serve a certain ounce? Per serving? Like legally, they had to because of the, you know, because of big, big, big dairy.

• 54:48Speaker 07

  Big dairy.

• 54:49Andrew Santino?

  Because of big dairy.

• 54:50Speaker 07

  Big cheddar.

• 54:50Andrew Santino?

  It was something like if you served cheese, it had to be a certain percentage of ounces being served in order for them to meet some sort of minimums or something. What was that? It was something insane. He'll Google it. What do you got?

• 55:02Speaker 05

  Uh, it mandates that public restaurants serve a small size of cheese and butter with meals.

• 55:08Andrew Santino?

  So you have to have cheese and butter with a meal?

• 55:11Speaker 07

  Wild.

• 55:11Andrew Santino?

  Wisconsin, baby.

• 55:12Speaker 07

  Wisconsin's doing things different over there.

• 55:14Andrew Santino?

  It's, oh, so it's not true?

• 55:16Speaker 05

  It was a short-lived law from nineteen thirty-five, but it was replaced in nineteen thirty-seven, but it lives on in legend.

• 55:22Andrew Santino?

  So you think, but I bet you some restaurants just, just do it. And they're like, that's the rule.

• 55:27Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 55:27Andrew Santino?

  From the thirties, when we had it all figured out.

• 55:30Speaker 07

  My life was good.

• 55:32Andrew Santino?

  That's right. That, what was it called? Bird neck? What was it?

• 55:34Speaker 07

  Bird bone neck?

• 55:35Andrew Santino?

  Bird bone neck. God, that-

• 55:36Speaker 07

  Now I'm coming and ruining everything.

• 55:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. You're really setting women back a little bit on this pod, bird bone neck. How's the concussion now? Are you good?

• 55:43Speaker 07

  I'm good now. It's, everything's fine now. It just was, it was shitty timing and concussion protocol is so frustrating, because you can't, it's no screens, it's no reading, it's no, it's literally just like, stare into the distance, because you're not supposed to fuck with your brain. It's, it's a hard-

• 56:01Andrew Santino?

  Good for you.

• 56:02Speaker 07

  Good for you, but like, ooh, cold turkey off of everything.

• 56:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 56:06Speaker 07

  Phone, TV, laptop, a fucking book. Couldn't read.

• 56:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you can't read a book? I thought there was no screens would make sense, but even words?

• 56:13Speaker 07

  Anything that-

• 56:14Andrew Santino?

  Stimulates the brain.

• 56:15Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 56:16Andrew Santino?

  They're like, leave it alone.

• 56:17Speaker 07

  You have to let it rest. So again, three weeks leading up to special, not a great time.

• 56:22Andrew Santino?

  Not a, not a good time.

• 56:22Speaker 07

  Would love to be prepping, would love to be whatever.

• 56:25Andrew Santino?

  Were you just going over shit in your head?

• 56:26Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 56:27Andrew Santino?

  You were.

• 56:28Speaker 07

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:28Andrew Santino?

  Were you reciting it? Like, were you doing the walk and talk in the mirror?

• 56:31Speaker 07

  Yep.

• 56:33Andrew Santino?

  That's a little crazy.

• 56:34Speaker 07

  I know, but you know, okay, this is so funny, I was gonna bring this up. Last time I saw you, so I did the podcast, and then we were both on a show at a store together.

• 56:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 56:43Speaker 07

  And I was so, like, so I guess to me, the Comedy Store is still, like, I get nervous to be there.

• 56:50Andrew Santino?

  Do you?

• 56:50Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 56:51Andrew Santino?

  What do you mean? You're such a pro? I mean, who is it?

• 56:53Speaker 07

  Thanks. But there, there's just like, I don't know, it's the Comedy Store, it just feels like there's this lore around it. But I know it's one of your, like, home clubs, like, you are-

• 57:02Andrew Santino?

  That's my home club, yeah, a hundred percent, yeah.

• 57:04Speaker 07

  You're going up all the time. But I was so impressed, because we were just like talking in a group? And then you're like, alright, I'm heading up, and you literally like, you went from being in a full conversation to just, you just walked on, you just breezed up there. And I was like, God, the confidence. You just, like, do you not have to go over things before you go on stage, or you're not nervous at all?

• 57:28Andrew Santino?

  No, I think, I have to go on, I have to plug out what I'm gonna do like hours before the show and kind of decide and be like, that's good, and then, uh, I, I would argue that helps me more than anything is to feel a little bit loose and free before I go on. The more you're sitting in silence or patiently waiting or an anxiety, or riddled with anxiety to go on, I always felt like it affected my performance. And if I was more like free-flowing,

• 57:52Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 57:52Andrew Santino?

  it helped me feel more loose and free.

• 57:54Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 57:54Andrew Santino?

  So I'm always like that. I don't, I like the whole, like, banter, see people that I enjoy, it gets my, it gets my neurons firing and happy, and then I just can go up and, you know what you're doing up there. I mean, you're, you already have in your mind, unless I'm trying a couple of new things, which I sometimes will reference on the phone and have it out just to see the word to click me back in to go, oh, and I wanted to talk about this, but, but I, I think, um, if I didn't do that, it's more anxiety-fueled. If you're sitting and waiting, and you're a sit and quietly wait by yourself in the corner, right, you're spinning out, yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 07

  Old Lisa Simpson, just like, just like, try, I don't know, I'm just an anxious gal, but-

• 58:34Andrew Santino?

  Lisa Simpson's such a good reference. Lisa's, Lisa's shoes make my heart hurt.

• 58:39Speaker 06

  My cat's breath smells like cat food.

• 58:40Andrew Santino?

  The best, dude.

• 58:42Speaker 07

  Such a good one.

• 58:42Andrew Santino?

  I choo-choo-choo's you, and it's a picture of a train. I mean, one of the greatest unsung couples of Ralph Wiggum and her, that's like the best, no, not Ralph. Yeah, Ralph Wiggum. That's like the greatest, will they, won't they, they won't, but they should.

• 59:01Speaker 07

  But they should.

• 59:02Andrew Santino?

  They, cause she's perfect for him and he's perfect for her.

• 59:05Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 59:06Andrew Santino?

  Right? He, yes, yes, he's mentally slow, she's way too smart. This is, this is every pairing of men.

• 59:14Andrew Santino?

  That's what a marriage is. No, no, no. She's very smart, Chad is very, very stupid. This is how this all works. It, it happens in every relationship. No. No, he's very smart. Chad, you know I'm kidding, dude.

• 59:26Speaker 07

  He's in Mensa. Isn't that fucking wild?

• 59:28Andrew Santino?

  He's a smart guy. Yeah, you're the idiot.

• 59:30Speaker 07

  I am, for sure.

• 59:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you're Ralph Wiggum in this.

• 59:32Speaker 07

  Compared to him, for sure.

• 59:33Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. He's Lisa Simpson. Does he play the saxophone?

• 59:35Speaker 07

  I'm eating cat food, for sure.

• 59:38Andrew Santino?

  Does he play the saxophone?

• 59:39Speaker 07

  I'm sorry, he does not play saxophone.

• 59:40Andrew Santino?

  Does he play, do you play instruments?

• 59:41Speaker 07

  I played flute, growing up.

• 59:43Andrew Santino?

  Dork. Huge dork. Why is that such a nerd instrument?

• 59:46Speaker 07

  I know, it just is.

• 59:47Andrew Santino?

  It's funny that like of all the instruments in band, flute was huge nerd.

• 59:52Speaker 07

  No.

• 59:53Andrew Santino?

  But like fun.

• 59:54Speaker 07

  Flute and clarinet, I feel like we're kinda like, oh.

• 59:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 59:57Speaker 07

  You get a reed involved, you have to wet a reed before you play it? That's a lot. That's a lot.

• 1:00:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Coolest instrument in band is who?

• 1:00:06Speaker 07

  So my dad's a professional trumpet player.

• 1:00:08Andrew Santino?

  I know. You think trumpet's coolest?

• 1:00:10Speaker 07

  I think trumpet's cool.

• 1:00:11Andrew Santino?

  I think drum's gotta be king.

• 1:00:12Speaker 07

  Ah, drum's cool too.

• 1:00:13Andrew Santino?

  Beating stuff is cool.

• 1:00:14Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 1:00:15Andrew Santino?

  Trumpet is smooth.

• 1:00:16Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:00:17Andrew Santino?

  Like, that guy can still get girls. Do you know what I mean?

• 1:00:20Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Andrew Santino?

  Uh, percussion, king. Um, Windchimes is not even a real person. That's someone they slid off from percussion and they made him do... They were like, "Get over there and..." He has no rhythm.

• 1:00:31Speaker 07

  Get over there.

• 1:00:32Andrew Santino?

  Just make him hit... That Nana, my grandmother, he's just doing my grandmother the whole time?

• 1:00:37Speaker 07

  I know! Here she is.

• 1:00:40Andrew Santino?

  My grandmother the whole time in band?

• 1:00:42Speaker 07

  Just right in front of the AC.

• 1:00:45Speaker 07

  Ding-a-ding.

• 1:00:45Andrew Santino?

  Just set the wind chimes up and just stand there and watch it do... It'll work for you. No, but you know what? Uh, flute, flute, pretty nerdy. He's so smart, I'm shocked he doesn't play the piano. Every smart kid I know plays the piano.

• 1:00:57Speaker 07

  He does know how to play piano?

• 1:00:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, my wife plays the piano.

• 1:00:59Speaker 07

  And guitar, and drums.

• 1:01:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he does them all.

• 1:01:01Speaker 07

  He does, yeah, yeah. Mensa, Mensa shit.

• 1:01:02Andrew Santino?

  Mensa's just so wild.

• 1:01:04Speaker 07

  He's so smart, it's crazy.

• 1:01:06Andrew Santino?

  How do you even get... I don't even know how that's... They choose you, right? Choo-choo chooses you like a train.

• 1:01:12Speaker 07

  It was like, his first therapist or something was like, "I want you to go... Like, go to this thing."

• 1:01:18Andrew Santino?

  To get tested.

• 1:01:19Speaker 07

  "'Cause I want you to, yeah." And I can't remember how he set it up, but Chad didn't know that that's what it was. And then he did it, and they were like, "You're in Mensa." And he was like, "What?"

• 1:01:29Andrew Santino?

  That's wild.

• 1:01:30Speaker 07

  I know.

• 1:01:31Andrew Santino?

  Does he ever push to, um, like... Does he ever like brag about that in front of you?

• 1:01:35Speaker 07

  No.

• 1:01:35Andrew Santino?

  He should.

• 1:01:36Speaker 07

  He's like, very...

• 1:01:39Speaker 07

  That would make him cringe so hard if somebody ever thought he was actually bragging about being in Mensa. It's like, very Gen X Midwest man of like, "You don't, like, you are su-" like, humble to a fault. All of that.

• 1:01:50Andrew Santino?

  So he's gotta get rid of that.

• 1:01:51Speaker 07

  But...

• 1:01:52Andrew Santino?

  He should wear a hat that says, "Mensa member." Mensa mem.

• 1:01:56Speaker 07

  Mensa mem.

• 1:01:57Andrew Santino?

  "I'm in Mensa." I would brag about it so much if I had that. That's all I would do.

• 1:02:02Speaker 07

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:02:02Andrew Santino?

  That's like people that go to Harvard.

• 1:02:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

• 1:02:05Andrew Santino?

  They tell you, you know? Um, I wanted to ask you, uh, let's go back real fast just because, uh, I wanna make sure the fans know it once again. Please, on Netflix right now, go watch. Go watch her special right now. Of course, ironically named, Happy Hour.

• 1:02:19Speaker 07

  'Cause I talk about drinking on it.

• 1:02:20Andrew Santino?

  I know, which you're no longer involved in.

• 1:02:21Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:22Andrew Santino?

  Um, and these guys will miss you, but that's fine. Who opened for you? Did you have someone open the show?

• 1:02:27Speaker 07

  Yeah, uh, Ben Katzenner. And he opens for me on most of my tours. Yeah, he's fantastic. Based out of Minneapolis, was in New York for a while, in Minneapolis again now. He's so funny, he crushed it.

• 1:02:38Andrew Santino?

  How did you meet him?

• 1:02:40Speaker 07

  Um, so he opened for Chad.

• 1:02:42Andrew Santino?

  Ah.

• 1:02:42Speaker 07

  And met him there, and he also opens for Chad too.

• 1:02:44Andrew Santino?

  He still does, yeah.

• 1:02:45Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:02:46Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's great, the guy's got pretty good job security. Just open him for you guys?

• 1:02:50Speaker 07

  It's nice, yeah.

• 1:02:51Andrew Santino?

  That's so wild. Let's... Never gonna happen.

• 1:02:54Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:02:54Andrew Santino?

  Let's say you and Chad aren't together anymore, who gets him?

• 1:02:59Speaker 07

  Ben, we should put Ben in the prenup.

• 1:03:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you should. You really fucking should. I mean, you're not gonna not be together anymore, but given the hypothetical, who would get Ben?

• 1:03:11Speaker 07

  I mean, Chad knew him first, so it'd probably have to go to Chad.

• 1:03:13Andrew Santino?

  Who pays him better?

• 1:03:15Speaker 07

  We pay the same. Chad is very cool, he like, kind of showed me how to do things the right way, I think. Where it's like, he doubles the feature pay and like, takes care of hotel and all that stuff, so we pay the same.

• 1:03:29Andrew Santino?

  That's good.

• 1:03:30Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:03:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that is the move. And we're gonna get into the finances of what you should be doing as a comedian, because a lot of people don't pay well.

• 1:03:35Speaker 07

  I know.

• 1:03:36Andrew Santino?

  I could name him right now. Put up a list of... No, Joe, don't do that. No, that'd be so funny. Joe, you know Joe, my editor will put up names for fun.

• 1:03:44Speaker 07

  No shit?

• 1:03:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, he'll just throw names up there.

• 1:03:46Speaker 07

  Oh my god, hilarious.

• 1:03:46Andrew Santino?

  They wouldn't be true, it'd be funny. Like, we did put up your wedding venue, we actually, that wedding venue address was real, so please call that number and book a block.

• 1:03:53Speaker 07

  Yeah, come on down.

• 1:03:53Andrew Santino?

  Please book a... Yeah, you do have to treat the openers great, 'cause I do think you were an opener too, so it's like, I don't, I never understood this, uh...

• 1:04:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:04:01Andrew Santino?

  This kind of shoving off of them as if they're replaceable or whatever, I... I make sure everyone I take is someone I like and I respect and that I really want to like grow, and so I do a year with them, sometimes a year and a half. Two is the most. O'Connor and I did two. And then after that, I tell them, you know, "Hey man, I gotta take someone else," 'cause I think it's just like, uh... Clip the wings and you gotta go. And all of my openers have been, made a killer career.

• 1:04:26Speaker 07

  Amazing.

• 1:04:26Andrew Santino?

  Like, everyone's been... Ali Makovsky was one of the first I ever went with. John Radnitsky was one of the first people that ever opened for me, he's doing great. Um, Chris O'Connor also, one of my closest dogs, who's killing it on tires with Shane. Uh, Zach Townsend, who opened for me for a while, and now Devontre Coleman, and they're all...

• 1:04:43Speaker 07

  Amazing.

• 1:04:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'm stoked about that.

• 1:04:46Speaker 07

  Laura Peek open for you sometimes?

• 1:04:47Andrew Santino?

  Who?

• 1:04:48Speaker 07

  Laura Peek?

• 1:04:48Andrew Santino?

  Peek did too.

• 1:04:49Speaker 07

  Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:50Andrew Santino?

  But Peekers was kind of already kinda like... She was already kinda grooving.

• 1:04:54Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:54Andrew Santino?

  Like, she was...

• 1:04:55Speaker 07

  She's so funny.

• 1:04:56Andrew Santino?

  She was having, she was already kind of in the growth aspect period where you're like, everybody knows... But yes, I would say she did, but Peek's one of those where I go, she was already so beloved that she was kind of growing rapidly anyway, so it was almost like she didn't need to feature for me if she didn't want to. I think she just was like, it was fun and we loved hanging out. But she's one of the coolest. But yeah, she did too, 'cause, uh... 'Cause I remember the, uh, the first couple of times we went and I was like, you know, "If you're getting busier..."

• 1:05:28Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:05:29Andrew Santino?

  "You don't wanna like break your neck to come with me." 'Cause you know, it's a little bit of cash, but it's not gonna change your life. But I was like, "If you wanna do other stuff that's gonna help the career more." She's like, "Fuck that dude, I like to hang and this is great," and then she helped me on some terrible dates, I did Tampa and that was...

• 1:05:46Andrew Santino?

  Ebor's tough, dude. Ebor's one of the hardest, that's like one of the hardest... Steve Simone came and brought some homemade food, thank god, 'cause I was like having a tough go, and it was when I was just working out the hour and I was like...

• 1:05:56Speaker 07

  Okay. That's your hug from the room.

• 1:05:59Andrew Santino?

  That was my hug from the room.

• 1:06:00Speaker 07

  You get some homemade food?

• 1:06:01Andrew Santino?

  And then me and Peek go out and get fucking hammered. She's one of the most fun to party with, dude.

• 1:06:07Speaker 07

  Yeah, I look at where I am now with like sobriety and just like living in Minnesota and everything. And then I look at Laura and I'm like, "Laura is fun." Laura's like a fun person.

• 1:06:20Andrew Santino?

  So fun. Yeah, she's so fun to go party with. Anytime. Her and I would be at dinner, this was a problem with Peekers and I, we'd be at dinner. And she's like, "Are you gonna get some, you gonna get something to drink?" And I'm like, "Uh... I don't know," and she's like, "I'll have one, do you wanna have one?" And then we'd have seven.

• 1:06:36Speaker 07

  Yep.

• 1:06:37Andrew Santino?

  And then we'd be like, "Do you wanna go to the show now?"

• 1:06:40Speaker 07

  Do you need anything else?

• 1:06:41Andrew Santino?

  Go to the show hammered, which we only did a few times, but we did. She's just, she's always down.

• 1:06:47Speaker 07

  She's so fun.

• 1:06:47Andrew Santino?

  She's always down, dude. We've had some late nights, uh, out, walking through a random city. And, uh, the next day, travel days are tough, then it's no talky. Then it's we get on that plane and it's like, "Okay, I'll see you, I'll see you later." Just too hungover. Which I'm getting sick of, you're right. Kelsey came here to tell me that I need to clean it up.

• 1:07:09Speaker 07

  I always feel... I do feel awkward. Like, I never want people to feel like when I say I don't drink anymore that I...

• 1:07:18Speaker 07

  I'm judging you.

• 1:07:19Andrew Santino?

  You are.

• 1:07:21Andrew Santino?

  A little bit, you are.

• 1:07:22Speaker 07

  No, I just...

• 1:07:23Andrew Santino?

  I can't believe these people live this way.

• 1:07:25Speaker 07

  No, I miss it. I wish that I could drink the way I could in my twenties and then feel fine the next day.

• 1:07:30Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:07:31Speaker 07

  If that was still happening, I'd still be drinking.

• 1:07:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:33Speaker 07

  But it was just like, do you ever get anxiety after drinking?

• 1:07:35Andrew Santino?

  I have anxiety all day.

• 1:07:36Speaker 07

  Oh, so it's okay.

• 1:07:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it just never goes away. It just doesn't. It's just a spin out all day long. And then I get home, um, eat dinner, and then we have a little something on the couch, and I feel good again.

• 1:07:50Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:07:51Andrew Santino?

  It also helps because, um... You know, my wife sees me and it's not a good product. So I give her a glass of wine and she goes, "This isn't so bad."

• 1:08:03Speaker 07

  It's a soft filter, Andrea.

• 1:08:06Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, looking at me after wine is like looking through a screen, a screen door where you're like, "I can kinda tell what it is."

• 1:08:11Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:08:12Andrew Santino?

  "It's alright, I'll take it."

• 1:08:13Speaker 07

  Chad is, uh, farsighted, and I like, I kinda love it, 'cause that means when we're up close, like, I just look, just like soft.

• 1:08:21Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah, a little blurry. Far away though, he can see it just good.

• 1:08:24Speaker 07

  Yeah, so I stay real close.

• 1:08:26Andrew Santino?

  You stay real... Chad? Just nose to nose all day?

• 1:08:29Speaker 07

  Yep. Stop shaving my mustache, it's great.

• 1:08:31Andrew Santino?

  You did. I was gonna say something.

• 1:08:34Speaker 07

  I know. It keeps getting stuck in the thing. Like, Jesus.

• 1:08:37Andrew Santino?

  Do you still talk to Taylor a lot, by the way? You guys were very, very close, right?

• 1:08:40Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a long time. I'm staying at her place while I'm here.

• 1:08:42Andrew Santino?

  Are you really?

• 1:08:43Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:08:43Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's fucking cool.

• 1:08:44Speaker 07

  Yeah, I love her. It's so, it is so nice to have like a true best friend in this business. Like, especially a best girlfriend, I think, just 'cause sometimes, I don't know, female comedy.

• 1:08:57Andrew Santino?

  Say it.

• 1:08:57Speaker 07

  Well, it's just, I don't know.

• 1:08:58Andrew Santino?

  Say it. Don't be coy and say it.

• 1:09:01Speaker 07

  I don't know. Uh, again, some people are...

• 1:09:06Speaker 07

  I don't know how to say it. She is also like me. Like, we both will do like a jigsaw puzzle. Do you know what I mean?

• 1:09:12Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 1:09:13Speaker 07

  It's just nice. We've always been very type A. Both the girl, the Lisa Simpson's in the corner mumbling to ourselves before we go on stage. And I think it's nice to have that because sometimes, and this is, it's not women only, it's men. It's just like, sometimes you don't connect as well with other people if it's a totally different person. I don't know.

• 1:09:32Andrew Santino?

  No, you're right. I know what you're saying. Also, the competitive nature is like, look, inherently in the world of comedy, there are significantly more men than women that do comedy. That's just a numbers game. And the women that do do comedy, you would hope the community would be tighter, but it's hard because it's competitive. So there is that part of it that's a little harder, where men find more, more confidants in comedy. Because there's just a numbers game. It's just, there's more opportunity for me to meet some. Now, are there a ton of guys that I don't fucking like? Yeah, there's a shitload. But there's way more people I get to meet that I do end up liking because there's, it's just, it's a, it's a numbers game. And you guys have less people in the running, particularly at a level that you're at, which many people would be jealous of because you're successful.

• 1:10:13Andrew Santino?

  And that gets, that, that becomes a reality. I think that's in every business. Anybody can relate to that in any business where when the competition gets stronger, it's because you're valued more in your space. And so then it's harder. Then you're like, who's your real friends? Who's rooting for you?

• 1:10:30Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:10:31Andrew Santino?

  And who's a little bit like, fuck her, you know?

• 1:10:33Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:33Andrew Santino?

  And that happens.

• 1:10:34Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:35Andrew Santino?

  And that happens. I mean, you say that to me all the time. You'll text me and you go, you know who, this fucking bitch? And you'll go off. No. Taylor's great, though. We have, we, I've always rooted hard for her.

• 1:10:45Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:46Andrew Santino?

  You know, for, just because I was like, uh, it's nice to have, uh, uh, these like discerning voices of people that know what their brand is, know what they're putting out, and aren't doing it.

• 1:10:57Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:58Andrew Santino?

  Aren't doing what they, what they think the crowd will like, but what they really like, which I think is huge. I think that's a big deal in comedy.

• 1:11:05Speaker 07

  She's fucking amazing.

• 1:11:05Andrew Santino?

  And which you've done very well in Happy Hour, right now on Netflix. You gotta go watch Happy Hour. If you don't watch the special, um, four, four young children will starve. Is that what we said? Four or five? How many was it? Five, maybe? Five young children will starve. And by the way, this is on you. The blood will be on your hands if you don't watch the special. Um, and Ted Sarandos, who's at Netflix, did say that to her directly. Uh, people must watch this or, uh, hell hath no, hell hath no fury. Like a Sarandos, uh, five and, five and down or whatever, whatever the, is that what it said? That's something like that. Have you met him? Have you met Ted?

• 1:11:42Speaker 07

  Mm-mm.

• 1:11:42Andrew Santino?

  You're gonna.

• 1:11:43Speaker 07

  They sent a very nice wedding gift, though. I was like...

• 1:11:46Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 1:11:47Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:11:47Andrew Santino?

  That's so sweet.

• 1:11:48Speaker 07

  Thank you. Something like nice, like fancy...

• 1:11:52Andrew Santino?

  Portable speaker?

• 1:11:54Speaker 07

  Amazon gift card. Uh, like, no, like fancy, like glasses.

• 1:11:58Andrew Santino?

  Real, China?

• 1:11:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, like, um, like designer tumblers, whatever.

• 1:12:04Andrew Santino?

  Oh, nice.

• 1:12:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, it was really nice.

• 1:12:05Andrew Santino?

  Give them to somebody that drinks. You should have brought them here to me. They're gonna end up in a cabinet and you're gonna stare at them all the time. Netflix glasses. Give them to me.

• 1:12:14Speaker 07

  That was nice.

• 1:12:14Andrew Santino?

  Okay, what are the gifts? I won't harp on the wedding much, but what are the gifts that you really want? And what are the gifts that you don't want? Get it out of, right now.

• 1:12:20Speaker 07

  Okay, well, so it's both of our second weddings. And so we're, we're literally having 20 people there.

• 1:12:26Andrew Santino?

  Oh, no one's going. Yeah, except for our fans.

• 1:12:29Speaker 07

  Except for, I mean, it was 20, now it's gonna be...

• 1:12:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it'll be 645, yeah. A lot of people are gonna go.

• 1:12:34Speaker 07

  Yeah, so it's like, no gifts.

• 1:12:36Andrew Santino?

  No registry?

• 1:12:37Speaker 07

  Mm-mm.

• 1:12:38Andrew Santino?

  Good for you.

• 1:12:39Speaker 07

  It's our family. It's like our immediate, I'm not gonna tell my dad to buy me shit, you know?

• 1:12:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you do. It's your fucking wedding. Buy me some shit.

• 1:12:47Speaker 07

  But when it's your second wedding, you're like, you already did.

• 1:12:50Andrew Santino?

  They did it the first time.

• 1:12:51Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:12:51Andrew Santino?

  I actually agree. As a, as someone who's gone to, like, my buddy's gonna have, my buddy is gonna have a second wedding now.

• 1:12:57Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:12:58Andrew Santino?

  And, uh, I did everything for the first, so I have no obligation for the second, even to go. I even told him that. I said, I don't have an obligation to go. I mean it. I was like, dude, I did your number, I did your one. You get one out of me and that's it.

• 1:13:08Speaker 07

  We're not inviting our friends, which sucks, but also as soon as we invite like our best friends and their partners, then it's at least a 60-person wedding. That, it becomes a whole other thing. You can't just have, we're doing like a 20-person ceremony and then we're all going to dinner. It's very...

• 1:13:26Andrew Santino?

  Buca di Beppo?

• 1:13:27Speaker 07

  Yeah. A little, I'm glad, you know what I mean? A little spooky on specialty. Um, but it's, it's so hard. I would love for my friends to be there, but it, you cannot then make it.

• 1:13:36Andrew Santino?

  Send them a photo.

• 1:13:37Speaker 07

  This very small thing. And I think they're fine with it, too. Like, uh, you know? The older we all get, we're like, do we want to even? Probably not.

• 1:13:44Andrew Santino?

  And you're not doing it in a church or anything like that?

• 1:13:46Speaker 07

  No, no, no. It's like on a lawn.

• 1:13:47Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, outside.

• 1:13:48Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:13:48Andrew Santino?

  A lawn. So funny. There's a quinceañera going on in the background? Just on a lawn somewhere? You couldn't have a wedding here in Los Angeles. There, there is a quinceañera going on every single day.

• 1:13:59Speaker 07

  Oh, my god.

• 1:14:00Andrew Santino?

  Somewhere in a park in Los Angeles. 100%. It's, it's amazing. Every time I go down to a Dodger game down there by the park, Elita Park, there's gotta be four or five quinceañeras at any given time.

• 1:14:10Speaker 07

  Oh, my god.

• 1:14:11Andrew Santino?

  It's amazing. I kinda wanna crash one of them, just to, just for the food in the booze, because they do have such good food. And you're like, they're gonna be so happy in a lady that's a family gathering that you probably could get away with it, just...

• 1:14:21Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:14:21Andrew Santino?

  I'm gonna start getting lunch there every day.

• 1:14:25Speaker 07

  Well, this is funny. This is what I was saying. Your confidence?

• 1:14:27Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 1:14:28Speaker 07

  Just, you can take that anywhere.

• 1:14:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:30Speaker 07

  You really inspired me. There was something about that where I was like, wow, I am so nervous right now. I was super, super nervous. And you truly, it seemed like it was not anything to you at all. And that was a moment where I was like, why am I, why do I put myself through this every time? Like, he looked like he had so much more fun than I had.

• 1:14:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because, well, because you know, you already know what you were gonna, you already know what you have to deliver. And if, if it's not hitting that night, it's not because you over or under-prepared. You're prepared. It's the rhythm of the thing. There's nothing you're gonna be able to do about it.

• 1:15:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's like the confidence and the trust in yourself. And that's been like, my thing this year is just feeling more confident, but...

• 1:15:13Andrew Santino?

  You should.

• 1:15:13Speaker 07

  Again, the Lisa Simpson in me feels like I need...

• 1:15:16Andrew Santino?

  Listen here, Lisa. Well, you should be more confident because you have a great special that's out right now.

• 1:15:20Speaker 07

  Thank you.

• 1:15:20Andrew Santino?

  And I want everyone at home to please watch it. Tune in on Netflix. Tell a friend. Uh, do as much as you can to spread this thing around, to keep it, uh, one of the most top-viewed things on Netflix. It would mean the world to us over here because that's how we get good comedy out to the people. And how Sarandos ends up sending you a full set of glassware, not just two tumblers. If you, if you get a good amount of views, he'll get you, he'll start to get you, uh, nice pans. He'll get you pots and pans.

• 1:15:46Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:46Andrew Santino?

  What did we get from Sarandos? What did he send us? Because we got a good bunch of views on Netflix. What did he send us? What was it? It was a hot pot? Is that what it was?

• 1:15:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:15:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, a hot pot? No. Ted gave me a, uh,

• 1:15:58Andrew Santino?

  he gave me a pressure cooker and then...

• 1:16:00Speaker 05

  They gave us a mold of Bert's penis.

• 1:16:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they gave us a mold of Bert's penis. They did do that. We have a mold in the hallway of Bert's penis from Free Bird. Yeah, which I don't know why we kept. We didn't need to keep it.

• 1:16:10Speaker 05

  It's on display.

• 1:16:10Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's on display. We shouldn't keep that. Anyway. Um, shout out to Netflix for, uh, for the gifts. Thanks, guys. Uh, and please go watch Happy Hour right now. Um, I appreciate you. You're the best. You're not on tour, but when you do go back on tour, kelseycookcomedy.com, is that what it is?

• 1:16:25Speaker 07

  Uh, kelseycook.com.

• 1:16:26Andrew Santino?

  kelseycook.com.

• 1:16:27Speaker 07

  Right? Yeah, it's been a second since I've...

• 1:16:29Andrew Santino?

  Is that funny?

• 1:16:30Speaker 07

  Yeah, Kelsey...

• 1:16:30Andrew Santino?

  When you do go back, you'll go back next year.

• 1:16:32Speaker 07

  No, I go back this fall.

• 1:16:33Andrew Santino?

  You'll be there this fall.

• 1:16:34Speaker 07

  I just, I took the summer off. That's big for me.

• 1:16:36Andrew Santino?

  Summer's nice. Yeah, good for you.

• 1:16:37Speaker 07

  Um, yeah, kelseycook.com and then Kelsey Cook Comedy on socials.

• 1:16:40Andrew Santino?

  On all the socials. Go follow her. Like, subscribe it. Do whatever you gotta do. Leave a nice message to the, uh, bird bone...

• 1:16:49Speaker 07

  Bird bone neck lady.

• 1:16:50Andrew Santino?

  Bird bone neck lady. Uh, look into that camera. Say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, this will end the episode and it will be cemented in, in history forever. We, we've talked about submitting this to the Smithsonian. I don't know if they're gonna take up our request, but we keep trying. So whenever you're ready, go ahead and look in that camera and one word or one phrase.

• 1:17:09Speaker 07

  Anal cavity.

• 1:17:11Speaker 06

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Who that creature in the ginger beard? It's dirty and ginger. Like that, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

• 1:17:37Speaker 00

  Kayak searches and compares hundreds of travel sites. But unless I repeat the word kayak, Kayak thinks you won't remember that. So Kayak asked me to say kayak as many times as possible. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kayak. Kai. Ooh. Ak. Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai, kayak. Kayak, kayak, kayak. Search, compare, and save on your trip. Kayak. Got that right.

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• 1:18:14Speaker 07

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