Pretty Little Episode #62

Tig and Fortune give advice to a listener looking for her first kiss and reminisce about Hallowe'ens of yore on a spectacularly spooky Pretty Little Episode! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepod http://speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:17Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:34Mae Martin?

  Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings with a premium, professional website.

• 0:53Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:25Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Handsome, handsome, chat with friends on the handsome pod.

• 1:43Fortune Feimster?

  Chat with friends on the handsome pod. Pretty little episode.

• 1:50Tig Notaro?

  Welcome to the Handsome Pods prequel episode.

• 1:55Fortune Feimster?

  I'm Fortune Feenster.

• 1:56Tig Notaro?

  And I am Tig Notaro, and we stumbled over each other, didn't we?

• 2:01Fortune Feimster?

  That's all right. That's what we do. We don't want it to be too clean.

• 2:05Tig Notaro?

  No, and it's not. We've managed to keep it not so clean.

• 2:09Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm. I see you have your gavel.

• 2:12Tig Notaro?

  I do. I have my gavel. This is a real gavel.

• 2:18Fortune Feimster?

  What's engraved on it?

• 2:20Tig Notaro?

  It says Colonel Tig Notaro because an auctioneer taught me how to, well, he tried to teach me how to auction. And I did my best and it wasn't very good, but he still, he had this made for me.

• 2:39Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I think I remember that with you and Sarah Paulson giggling about being an auctioneer.

• 2:46Tig Notaro?

  I've made, yes, there is a very fun video. If you're listening, go track it down for my old podcast, Don't Ask Tig. Look up Sarah Paulson and it's, I think it's the very end of the episode and we just go completely sideways.

• 3:03Fortune Feimster?

  It's pretty funny.

• 3:05Tig Notaro?

  It's so fun. But yeah, and you're, you're in your new house, Fortune.

• 3:10Fortune Feimster?

  I am. I've had a busy week to just getting everything moved and I'm finally out of the old house for the most part, aside from things that will divvy up when that house sells, but all my personal stuff's moved. But now I'm just trying to figure out where I put everything. I just like, because I've been filming too, so I just threw everything in like drawers and closets. And now I'm trying to unravel all that.

• 3:42Tig Notaro?

  Did you have packers or did you do it all yourself?

• 3:45Fortune Feimster?

  No, I did it all myself.

• 3:46Tig Notaro?

  What?

• 3:48Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, I had movers move, obviously, the furniture.

• 3:52Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 3:53Fortune Feimster?

  But I've never hired packers in all my years of moving. Yeah.

• 3:58Tig Notaro?

  I highly recommend.

• 4:00Fortune Feimster?

  Really?

• 4:01Tig Notaro?

  Yes. Oh, my God, yes.

• 4:05Fortune Feimster?

  I got, I told you, I got 30,000 steps the day of my move.

• 4:09Tig Notaro?

  I don't know if I caught that.

• 4:11Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, maybe I didn't tell you guys, but yeah, the it was like the equivalent of like 16 miles.

• 4:19Fortune Feimster?

  The day, because I did it all by myself with the movers.

• 4:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 4:24Fortune Feimster?

  I just, you know, I spent a couple of days just like filling my car up and driving back and forth. And then the day of the move was just like going constantly back and forth and then with them and then doing stuff all around that. Yeah, I was pooped.

• 4:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 4:42Fortune Feimster?

  But yeah, Packers might have been the move.

• 4:46Tig Notaro?

  One million percent, especially a full house like you have, like that's that's insanity.

• 4:55Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, so well, it's done now.

• 4:58Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 4:59Fortune Feimster?

  I went to the store today and got, I'm just kind of starting over. I got like

• 5:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 5:04Fortune Feimster?

  Ziploc bags and foil and

• 5:08Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 5:09Fortune Feimster?

  Like laundry detergent and dishwashing, so.

• 5:13Tig Notaro?

  And wait, that stuff you left at the old house?

• 5:17Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 5:18Tig Notaro?

  Uh, why?

• 5:20Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I think Jax will be stay, I don't know what her plan is, but she might be staying there till.

• 5:25Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I see.

• 5:26Fortune Feimster?

  Uh, but I'm not exactly sure.

• 5:28Tig Notaro?

  She needs her foil.

• 5:31Fortune Feimster?

  Well, I just figured I'd just start new.

• 5:33Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

• 5:34Fortune Feimster?

  Get all that sort of basic stuff.

• 5:37Tig Notaro?

  All the old foil memories out and all the new foil memories in.

• 5:42Fortune Feimster?

  That's right.

• 5:45Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well, I I stand by how exciting to be starting anew. And um, do you have everything figured out of like this room is this and how many bedrooms is it?

• 5:59Fortune Feimster?

  Three, well, technically four bedrooms, but this one I'm using as an office. Um, so I'll have two guest bedrooms.

• 6:08Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay. All right.

• 6:10Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 6:10Tig Notaro?

  Nice.

• 6:10Fortune Feimster?

  But it's a much, it's a much smaller house than what I had, which I wanted.

• 6:15Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 6:15Fortune Feimster?

  It's one story, which is so nice. When you forget something, you just poop into the next room. There it is. Boop, boop, boop. It's a manageable house for a lady living by herself.

• 6:27Tig Notaro?

  Pretty little lady.

• 6:28Fortune Feimster?

  Pretty little lady living by herself.

• 6:30Tig Notaro?

  Have you met your neighbors?

• 6:32Fortune Feimster?

  I met one neighbor. She was very nice. I have not met anyone else, but I've also barely been here.

• 6:38Tig Notaro?

  And was your neighbor like, oh, are you from the handsome podcast?

• 6:42Fortune Feimster?

  She did not, but maybe she was thinking it.

• 6:46Tig Notaro?

  And then, um, when you said you got 16,000 steps in one day, do you clock your?

• 6:51Fortune Feimster?

  Thirty thousand.

• 6:52Tig Notaro?

  Oh, 30,000. Where did I get 16?

• 6:55Fortune Feimster?

  16 miles.

• 6:56Tig Notaro?

  Oh, oh, okay. All right. I thought that was a little weird that I pulled that off.

• 7:00Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know if I lost a single pound.

• 7:02Tig Notaro?

  Do you probably gained muscle?

• 7:04Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, maybe.

• 7:05Tig Notaro?

  In those, uh, gams. And, um, do you clock your steps every day?

• 7:11Fortune Feimster?

  It just was on my phone. I need to, I can't find my Apple watch. Um, I would like to start wearing that again to start tracking my steps because I'd like to be walking, uh, on this new show that I'm doing, uh, with Will Ferrell. He keeps his pedometer in his pocket, uh, because we're walking a ton on the golf courses. So I want to start tracking mine, but right now I'm just going by my phone.

• 7:37Tig Notaro?

  So he has one that's not his phone or his Apple watch?

• 7:40Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, just a little wrist pedometer.

• 7:44Tig Notaro?

  And is it connected to his phone?

• 7:46Fortune Feimster?

  Probably.

• 7:48Tig Notaro?

  Oh, okay. I was just asking somebody if that exists because I love to track. I didn't know about tracking steps. You know who taught me?

• 7:56Fortune Feimster?

  Who?

• 7:56Tig Notaro?

  Mr. Thomas.

• 7:58Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, nice.

• 7:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. When we were in Toronto years ago, he was like, oh yeah, the phone, I don't know if you remember that, Thomas, but you're like, oh yeah, the phone, um, counts steps. And I was like, really? Um, and so it's always interesting to see, especially when you're like traveling in a new city and wandering around, you're like, yeah, you're like 30 steps. Stephanie and I were in Amsterdam one year and, and I think we hit somewhere around there where. We had been wandering around forever and it was outrageous, the steps that we took.

• 8:31Fortune Feimster?

  I know, it feels so good when you've done a lot. You're like, yes, I'm not a bum.

• 8:36Tig Notaro?

  Do you have the 10,000 a day goal?

• 8:39Fortune Feimster?

  Um, that's always the goal, but I don't always hit it. I've, I will be curious if our listeners know more about this, but I heard recently, you know, it's always been said 10,000, but I heard you're pretty good at 7,000 and above.

• 8:56Tig Notaro?

  And you know what I've heard?

• 8:58Fortune Feimster?

  What?

• 8:58Tig Notaro?

  10,000 should be the least amount.

• 9:02Fortune Feimster?

  Oh God.

• 9:03Tig Notaro?

  You should do.

• 9:04Fortune Feimster?

  Well, then I'm in trouble.

• 9:07Tig Notaro?

  No, but I'm sure you're right. But also, health experts, doctors, whatever, will say, even if you take a 20 minute walk every day, that is, that is something.

• 9:18Fortune Feimster?

  Just doing something, yeah.

• 9:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, just moving your body.

• 9:21Fortune Feimster?

  Well, right now I'm moving my body quite a bit. I haven't had time to tread water.

• 9:25Tig Notaro?

  Do you have a pool at the new place?

• 9:26Fortune Feimster?

  A little mini one, but I think that, I haven't tested it out yet, but I think it's just enough room to tread in a little circle.

• 9:36Tig Notaro?

  Nice. How adorable. I'd love to peek in and see the little lady treading in a circle.

• 9:44Fortune Feimster?

  I could be wrong. I might get in there and be like, yeah, there's not much treading happening here, but it's pretty small. But honestly, I'm, I kind of like the idea of a much more maintainable.

• 9:55Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 9:56Fortune Feimster?

  A pool as well.

• 9:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Well, sounds like you're all set. And speaking of all set, should we head on into our first question?

• 10:05Fortune Feimster?

  Let's do it.

• 10:06Tig Notaro?

  Let us do it.

• 10:08Speaker 04

  Hey handsome pod, my name is Dawn and I'm in Portland, Oregon, and I've been really enjoying you guys so much. I appreciate you very much. Okay. The question that came to me to ask was, what was your favorite Halloween costume growing up and why?

• 10:25Fortune Feimster?

  Hmm. Well, you know how I feel about my Alf mask.

• 10:31Tig Notaro?

  The greatest line of all handsome episodes. Then why was that, then why did I go as Alf? Then why was I out? Whatever you said.

• 10:42Fortune Feimster?

  That would have been high up there for me. I'm trying to, I was not great at putting together Halloween costumes. Were you?

• 10:50Tig Notaro?

  No, but my mother was an artist and so she kind of really got into Halloween. Like if, if, if we wanted to be something, she really got into making it.

• 11:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 11:04Tig Notaro?

  You know? And I was just talking to my therapist about how, oh my gosh, I just have to share with you. I took a picture after my stepfather passed away of his phone, the weekly report. And this was when he was alive. Your screen time was down 47% to two minutes a day. He was on his phone.

• 11:32Tig Notaro?

  That was his average. I guess his average was four minutes. Yeah, but anyway, um, yeah, I was talking to my therapist about how I dressed. And maybe I've shared this on here, how I dressed as John Travolta and went to a friend's birthday party and all the girls, it was for Grease and all the girls were in poodle skirts. And, um, and they were crowding around me wanting to dance and treating me like I was like this cute guy. And it was very confusing for me, but, um, I really liked that.

• 12:10Tig Notaro?

  And also, um, for a few years on and off, I would dress as, um, uh, Dracula. Yeah.

• 12:20Fortune Feimster?

  That's a good one.

• 12:21Tig Notaro?

  Real girly stuff.

• 12:25Fortune Feimster?

  The, yeah, we were so lazy about it. We were just like grabbing like a, something to just put on our heads and that was it. I don't know why not me or my brothers were like, oh, I'm gonna go as this and I'm gonna wear this. And my mom wasn't crafty, so she wasn't like making us anything. Um, so yeah, we kept it pretty simple in the Feimster house.

• 12:52Tig Notaro?

  So would you just be like a sheet over your head and you're a ghost?

• 12:56Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah. I did the bare minimum.

• 12:58Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:58Fortune Feimster?

  Which is so funny because now I'm in costumes all the time. For work.

• 13:05Tig Notaro?

  I figured.

• 13:08Fortune Feimster?

  Not just for fun.

• 13:10Tig Notaro?

  You're just treading around in your tiny pool in a costume.

• 13:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I'm kind of now that Max and Finn are a part of my life. Halloween is so over the top. They're both so into it and I am so not.

• 13:35Tig Notaro?

  I mean, for years I would just say I'm going, when people would say, who are you? What are you? I'd say I'm an aging lesbian and that's the extent of what I put into costumes. But, um, yeah, I'm more of a Thanksgiving kind of gal.

• 13:51Fortune Feimster?

  I do love some Thanksgiving.

• 13:53Tig Notaro?

  Me too. Well, should we hear, um, should we hear what Dawn's answer is? It's gonna be Alf. It's gonna be Alf.

• 14:03Speaker 04

  Okay. And then just to share my favorite Halloween costume was I was an angel. I think I was sixth grade, 11 years old. I got to wear this angel costume with these pretty like wings that had all this glitter on them. But the coolest part was I got to roller skate because I had these like cool white roller skates. Keep in mind, this is like the late seventies. And so I was like a roller skating angel. And the reason it was awesome was because I was roller skating. And I thought that was cool. All right. Um, thanks. Keep, keep doing what you're doing. Love you all.

• 14:35Tig Notaro?

  Love you too, Dawn.

• 14:37Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, Dawn.

• 14:39Tig Notaro?

  That is so not my world. The butterfly wings and sparkles and, um, probably wasn't any of our handsome lives, right?

• 14:51Fortune Feimster?

  No, yeah. I don't think any of us had any of that sparkle.

• 14:56Tig Notaro?

  Although I could see May. Doing some version of something with wings or something, something. I don't know what it is. But anyway, thanks for your question and your answer, Dawn. And what else we got?

• 15:12Speaker 05

  Hi, Handsoms. This is Anna calling from Copenhagen. I have been a fan of yours. I've been seeing Take Life here in Copenhagen a couple of years ago. I am utterly and truly in love with all three of you. Now I have a problem and I desperately need advice.

• 15:31Tig Notaro?

  Okay.

• 15:31Speaker 05

  I have been single for about a million-ish years and I have a really hard time connecting with people out in the dating world. But I recently met someone who I like and who likes me. And I feel like this could actually turn into something. But he has bad breath. I don't know what to do. We have been out a few times now and I haven't even kissed him because I feel like I just can't as much as I would like to.

• 16:02Tig Notaro?

  Dang.

• 16:03Speaker 05

  I brought mints to our last dates and kind of ate them obsessively, but I felt too awkward to offer him one. I don't know why. I guess because it was like on my mind that it would be too obvious why.

• 16:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 16:15Speaker 05

  So how do I discreetly and politely do something about this? I just don't want to give up on a potential connection over something so dumb. So I hope you can advise me. Thanks so much.

• 16:30Tig Notaro?

  Well, that is tough and it's not dumb. I will say that because I think it's like the people scent is so crucial with attraction. And you know, oftentimes bad breath is, you know, dehydration or a bad diet or whatever. But I don't know what to do about that. I've certainly been in that situation a time or two. What about you, Fortune?

• 17:03Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, well, definitely I would have started with offering him the mints.

• 17:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, but that's not a long-term fix. That's one mint in a lifetime.

• 17:14Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I, I mean, that's, it's so hard in the beginning because you're both trying to like, you know, not walk on eggshells, but you're just like, oh, you know, you don't want to like ruffle any feathers. I don't know. I think I would have a hard time being blunt about it, but I feel like you would just be like, would just say it.

• 17:35Tig Notaro?

  Me?

• 17:36Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. You don't think you would just tell the person?

• 17:39Tig Notaro?

  Your breath stinks?

• 17:41Fortune Feimster?

  Well, not like that, but just like-

• 17:42Tig Notaro?

  What would I say?

• 17:43Fortune Feimster?

  I just envision you being like, hey, I just wanna, you know, I don't wanna make things awkward, but I did, I felt like I should tell you that, you know, your breath could be better.

• 17:58Tig Notaro?

  Your breath could be better.

• 18:03Fortune Feimster?

  Is that, is that a delicate blow?

• 18:06Tig Notaro?

  Uh, yeah, I guess if I try and picture myself, because I struggled with it with people and it made, made it hard to kiss them. But, um, what would, if I were-

• 18:19Fortune Feimster?

  Could she buy him mouthwash?

• 18:22Tig Notaro?

  But you have to have the conversation because he's not, you know, it's probably not that he can't afford mouthwash or he, you know?

• 18:31Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 18:32Tig Notaro?

  I think you're supposed to also be scraping your tongue. You've really gotta hydrate.

• 18:37Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 18:37Tig Notaro?

  I guess if I was really into, oof, it's tough.

• 18:41Fortune Feimster?

  I think she just, I think she just can't date this person.

• 18:47Tig Notaro?

  Really? Cause what if this is the one and you just do find a way, maybe, do you have a therapist?

• 18:54Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know that I, I don't know if I could be with someone full-time and like not even be able to get close to them.

• 19:02Tig Notaro?

  But what if they kicked the, the, the, the breath situation?

• 19:07Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, I guess if that's, I guess that that's what you're faced with, right? If it's like, you either have this uncomfortable conversation or you just don't date this person.

• 19:17Tig Notaro?

  Because, looking at it this way too-

• 19:19Fortune Feimster?

  Right?

• 19:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah. Because if you say, hey, I'm not gonna see you, it's the same as if you tell them and you hurt their feelings and they leave.

• 19:27Fortune Feimster?

  It's the same result.

• 19:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. So now we've narrowed it down.

• 19:31Fortune Feimster?

  So it's kinda like, yeah, what do you have to lose? Because the alternative is that you're just not gonna date this person and that's the same result.

• 19:39Tig Notaro?

  Yes. So I would say it sounds like he's-

• 19:42Fortune Feimster?

  Rip the Band-Aid.

• 19:43Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it sounds like he's worth it. And I would just say it as gently as possible. And I don't know what that is because I don't know how you deliver news. But yeah, I would preface it with, I enjoy you so much. I find you so attractive. And I don't know.

• 20:07Fortune Feimster?

  Butter him up with compliments first.

• 20:09Tig Notaro?

  But truly to let it not just compliments, but just to let him know you really do like him. But that you don't know if there's something chemically that's not jiving in his in his gut. But something stinks.

• 20:30Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, yeah, it could just be like I you could just preface it with, listen, I want to bring up something a little awkward. You know, just kind of call out the elephant in the room.

• 20:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, say it's awkward for me. And I hope that you hope it lands. Okay, with you because I I'm only bringing this up because I like you so much.

• 20:51Fortune Feimster?

  And I want to be close to you.

• 20:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 20:54Fortune Feimster?

  And you know, I just noticed this. And I don't, you know, I mean, I would probably put it on me like, I'm extra sensitive to this. Yeah, maybe other people wouldn't care as much, but

• 21:09Tig Notaro?

  I'm extra sensitive to sense.

• 21:12Fortune Feimster?

  Is there a way to like, you know, look into that?

• 21:16Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 21:17Fortune Feimster?

  And then have a care package full of floss, tongue scrapers, mouthwash, toothpaste. Hopefully, they're just, I mean, hopefully, they're not a person that's just not brushing their teeth because to me, that's a sign of like, what else are they not taking care of?

• 21:35Tig Notaro?

  That's rarely the issue.

• 21:37Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 21:38Tig Notaro?

  It's usually in your gut. It's something deep in your body that is causing that or like I said, dehydration.

• 21:47Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 21:47Tig Notaro?

  But anyway, well, please keep us posted, Anna.

• 21:51Fortune Feimster?

  I know. I want to know what happens.

• 21:53Tig Notaro?

  I know. And we wish you the absolute best. Please send us an update.

• 21:59Fortune Feimster?

  I've never been to Copenhagen, though. I do want to go.

• 22:02Tig Notaro?

  You haven't been?

• 22:03Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 22:04Tig Notaro?

  Oh, it's so beautiful.

• 22:05Fortune Feimster?

  I've heard it's really pretty.

• 22:07Tig Notaro?

  I went to an incredible restaurant there. Anyway.

• 22:12Tig Notaro?

  Send us your questions and advice requests to speakpipe.com/handsomepod. And if you like any of our episodes, please share them with a friend and help us build this very handsome community. Like, review, give us five stars if you're up for it. And until next time, what do you say, Fortune?

• 22:35Fortune Feimster?

  Keep it.

• 22:36Tig Notaro?

  Keep it pretty handsome.

• 22:39Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media @handsomepod.

• 22:55Fortune Feimster?

  What a podcast!

• 23:01Speaker 00

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.