E545 Stavros Halkias

Stavros Halkias is a stand-up comedian and host of the weekly podcast “Stavvy’s World”. He's in the upcoming season 2 of Netflix's Tires, and his new movie "Let's Start a Cult" is now available to rent or buy wherever you get Video On Demand. From the Hotel Chelsea in New York City, Stavros Halkias returns to This Past Weekend to talk about the release of his new movie, Theo's unique living situation with a friend's dad, and the long and storied history of condoms. Stavros Halkias: https://www.instagram.com/stavvybaby2/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ BetterHelp: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp - go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month. Tommy John: Go to http://tommyjohn.com/theo and use code THEO to save 30% sitewide. Zocdoc: Go to http://zocdoc.com/theo to find and book a top-rated doctor today. Blue Chew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO to get your first month free - just pay $5 shipping. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Theo Von?

  Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, uh, he's a podcaster, he's an actor, he has a new film called Let's Start a Cult, that he both co-wrote and starred in. Uh, he's got his own podcast, Stavvy's World, and he's one of the hottest young comics in America. Um, I'm grateful for his time today. Um, I'm grateful for his honesty, always. Uh, no one else I'd rather be sitting down with than Mr. Stavros Palakias.

• 0:44Theo Von?

  Hey, hey, whoa.

• 0:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, he looks a slick, huh?

• 0:50Speaker 01

  Thanks, man, yeah. Going with a slick back.

• 0:54Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  You like it, bro?

• 0:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  Little fucking aerodynamic.

• 1:02Theo Von?

  Looks very, I'm trying to think of what it even makes me feel like.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  I love it. Explore that, bro.

• 1:08Theo Von?

  Like a principal, maybe?

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe.

• 1:11Theo Von?

  Principal at a very unique school.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  We don't give grades, man.

• 1:17Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't give grades, there's, um, shit. I need some socks.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  Dude, I think it's a good look.

• 1:29Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  You can't throw ankles out, dude, you can't give.

• 1:34Theo Von?

  I mean, I feel homeless, I just, I just felt some wind hit him.

• 1:42Theo Von?

  And my first thought was, I've worked too hard.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. I got the thighs out, I give out the whole leg for free, brother.

• 1:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, but you have good legs, man.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  Thank you, bro, I appreciate that.

• 1:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, and do a lot of, um, people from where you, or your culture have good legs, huh?

• 1:57Speaker 01

  I think so, yeah, I think so.

• 1:58Theo Von?

  It's a leg, cause even the pillars, um, yeah, it's like, that's a part of it, huh?

• 2:04Speaker 01

  There's a lot of hills, Greece is very hilly. I think people are.

• 2:08Theo Von?

  The hills have thighs, dude.

• 2:11Theo Von?

  Over there.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  They really do. I think that helps.

• 2:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Um.

• 2:15Theo Von?

  Cause you see a man like that. It's like, oh, this is a structural man.

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Sound, sound. I am structurally sound.

• 2:21Theo Von?

  The.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  You're not shaking me.

• 2:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  You're not shaking me, bro.

• 2:24Theo Von?

  No, you won't. You're not like that building forty seven or whatever.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 2:28Theo Von?

  Or whatever that is.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  Seven? Was it building seven?

• 2:31Theo Von?

  Which one is it that keeps falling down? Seven. Tower seven.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  Tower seven.

• 2:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. The one that we can't exactly explain or something.

• 2:38Theo Von?

  Yeah. Some guys like, oh, it's a great time to just fucking.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Get the insurance money.

• 2:42Theo Von?

  To drop this one.

• 2:47Theo Von?

  All right, all right. I see what you're doing, man.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  Wouldn't have happened if it was made out of Hellenic marble.

• 2:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, out of some strong baklava.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 2:55Theo Von?

  Some baklava.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  You can't shake baklava either.

• 2:58Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  As far as desserts go.

• 2:59Theo Von?

  Very structurally.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  Structurally sound. You're right. You're right.

• 3:03Theo Von?

  Um, Stavros Halkias, dude, you have a new movie. The movie is, uh.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Let's start a.

• 3:10Theo Von?

  Let's start a cult.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  Yes, sir.

• 3:12Theo Von?

  And is it kind of, your new movie, is it kind of like, um, is it like, what's the, is it a twelve years of slave type of thing? Is it a, like a Lincoln lawyer? Like, what's the?

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Those are your two references.

• 3:23Theo Von?

  What's the arc of it, you know?

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Twelve years of slave, which is like a serious slavery drama that won Oscars with the Lincoln lawyer. Just a middle of the road Matthew McConaughey entertaining movie. I think it's, which are, they're both good movies, by the way. Lincoln lawyer, pretty good.

• 3:40Theo Von?

  Twelve years of slave was a little long. They could have done it. Could have done it in eight years.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  Nine years.

• 3:46Theo Von?

  Seven Minute Slaves.

• 3:49Speaker 01

  We didn't need to see all twelve of the years.

• 3:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, come on. The last two years, it's like, we kind of get how this goes.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  We get it. We get it. Um.

• 3:58Theo Von?

  But yeah, what's the story arc? You know, like, yeah, what do we expect it?

• 4:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude. So it's, it's way less, um, way, way smaller for budget than those two. Honestly, the movie is, I just love dumb ass comedies, like the stuff we grew up on, like the Sandler, you know, Spade, Farley, you know, to Will Ferrell, to all that stuff that was just like silly as shit. You know, like the first movie I was obsessed with was Billy Madison, right? And just like goofy, technically a premise, but it's like, would this ever happen in real life? No, but we just need, it's there to just as like a skeleton for jokes.

• 4:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  And let's get goofy, let's get silly, let's get a bunch of funny people in it. And that's what this movie is, dude. It was like, I just wanted, you know, I wanted the opportunity to make something that I loved and like, I, I don't consider myself an actor, I'm a fucking comic. And comedy movies I think are an extension of just like, I'm not trying to make a good ass movie. I'm trying to make a fun time, 90 minutes, and you know, I'm proud of it, don't get me wrong. It's not fucking dog shit, like it's still.

• 5:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, but it's not like Amistad or like, um. Trying to think of something else I've seen recently.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  No slavery. I don't know what's going on with your references.

• 5:11Theo Von?

  No, sorry.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Amadeus, maybe?

• 5:12Theo Von?

  No, Bridges Over Madison County or whatever like that.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  Sure, I didn't see that one. The Bridge to Terabethia.

• 5:18Theo Von?

  Oh, you saw that one, huh?

• 5:19Speaker 01

  That's a child's movie. I saw that as a kid.

• 5:21Theo Von?

  It's about a, it's a, something happens to somebody, I remember.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  I haven't seen, I haven't seen it since I was a child. I, is it like a allegory for something wrong?

• 5:30Theo Von?

  Well, someone's handicapped something. I remember somebody was trying to do, um, The Life of Jesse, Bridges to Terabethia, and adolescent changes when he befriends Leslie, the class outside of the children created imaginary world called Terabethia, which is inhabited by all manner of magical creatures.

• 5:45Speaker 01

  So basically, no, it's not like that either. It's not like the Bridge to Terabethia.

• 5:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, so, okay, so it's not like that.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  It's just fun, dude, and I think like.

• 5:52Theo Von?

  Funny movie, good comedy.

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Funny, you turn your brain off, no lessons, you're not gonna be a better, you're not gonna be a better or worse person.

• 6:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? You're just gonna have a good time. You're just, you can get high as fuck, you know what I mean? Like, you can, you could make some popcorn. You won't miss plot points, you might want to go back and miss and see if you missed a joke, but you get the movie. You know what I mean? The whole point is, like, basically the like bullet point is. What if a guy was so annoying, his cult committed suicide without him? Like they left him out of the, left him out of the final ritual? And then he tries to start up his new, his own cult and that's the like, and so I'm just, I'm that guy. I'm the fucking annoying idiot who's just like, you know, with a heart of gold classics, classic comedy shit. And I just like, you know, we meet a bunch of funny people. We have really funny comics in it.

• 6:45Speaker 01

  Bobby Kelly is in it for a little bit. Tom Papa's in it for a little bit. You know, a lot of really funny, uh, just like Wes Haney, who is the, who co-wrote it with me and Ben Kitnick. It was basically like, me and my friends got a chance to make a movie and I was like, yeah, fuck it. What the fuck? Like no one, no one lets them, no one lets, uh, no one lets me star in a movie.

• 7:07Theo Von?

  Yes, you have to do it.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  You just gotta do it. So.

• 7:09Theo Von?

  Yeah. It's nice to have a movie where it sounds like you just can just go look at a movie.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Go look at a movie and the jokes are like, I'm not, I'm not trying to make any commentary on anything. I'm just trying to make you laugh. And it's like that, it has been, even some of my favorite movies, like towards the end, they all kind of had weird lessons. Or they just kind of got like even 40 year old virgin. It's weirdly like an allegory for virginity. And like, fine, saving yourself from, you can read into a lot of those movies. You cannot read into this movie. There is nothing, there is no, there is no subtext. There is no, it's a fat, it's a lovable fat guy getting into high jinks for 89 minutes. Not even 90. You'll be out. You'll be out. And if you fast forward through the credits, we get that to 87 and a half.

• 7:58Theo Von?

  Nothing like a thick guy coming in short, you know?

• 8:01Speaker 01

  Absolutely, absolutely.

• 8:03Theo Von?

  Okay. So I get the movie and they, we, they need good comedy. It's like, you need them. It's like you go to a thing now and it's like, yeah, some stuff, it doesn't even make you laugh. Like what is this about or whatever? And then like everybody at the end is kind of like handicapped or something at the end. You're like, what is this? You know, it's like Elliot gets a rainbow or something. You're like, what is this?

• 8:22Speaker 01

  It's not.

• 8:23Theo Von?

  You know, and it's like the guy always has a heart transplant, but his new heart is, um, like. Like a libertarian or something, you know?

• 8:31Speaker 01

  So yeah, so now he's like, I'm gonna kill myself.

• 8:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  Cause I would rather, I would rather die than have a, have a heart that's against public school systems or something, you know? No one will be committing supuku at the end of this movie for their political beliefs.

• 8:46Theo Von?

  It's called, it's called homeschool heart, that movie.

• 8:50Theo Von?

  It's a movie where somebody gets R transplant and that heart was a homeschool teacher.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Was a homeschool?

• 8:57Speaker 01

  That would be fun, yeah. Yeah, it's either, it's either, it's like both, it's like, and even independent movies, it's like, I don't know, cause I, and you know, I'd love to talk about just more comedy stuff too, but.

• 9:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, but this is interesting, cause it's a new time where someone is making their own film.

• 9:11Speaker 01

  Well, that's, that's the thing, dude, is like, I don't know how you feel, but I feel like I hit the jackpot of all jackpots, right? Like, I never thought I'd be fucking podcasting, you know what I mean? Like, I wanted to just do comedy. I never thought I would have to like, build my own fanbase to just like, make a living and then like, got really lucky and, and like, so when you get lucky, what do you do with it? And it's like, I've never been the kind of person that just wants to chase, I don't wanna get super famous, I don't wanna get super rich. I wanna be able to make the stuff I fucking love and like, that's what this was. It's like, I think, you know, there's some people who, like, we have a chance, like, building our own fanbases where it's like, we can make what we like.

• 9:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  And instead of trying to desperately get into like, a mainstream studio system or, you know, not that I won't make a fucking, you know, so, you know, studio, I want to make a movie, I'd love to do it, but instead of like, waiting for years, like, I think, I don't know, I think a bunch of like, a generation of comics found out, you can go through the internet, make up a fanbase, and then it's like, what do you wanna do with it? And for me, it's like, let me just fucking do, make a fucking movie, like.

• 10:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  No, the way no one, the way no one, it's stupid that I get to like, sell out theaters, it's stupid I get to make movies, but that's what I wanna fucking do. And instead of just like, being broke and trying to be an actor and all this other shit, it was like, I know at least some people will see it, my fans will see it, hopefully, you know, some of your fans will see it.

• 10:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  That's the cool thing about building like, a network where it's like, you just hit up your friends. It's like, I'm not on, I got on NPR, because the lady liked my movie, like a lady on the weekend thing, liked my movie, but it's like. We don't even have a mainstream way to to put it out there. So I don't know, man, I just think it's cool. And it would be sick if people just started doing that shit. If you started doing whatever you're passionate about because you have this fan base and you've built your own thing.

• 11:04Theo Von?

  And yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 01

  Tires is like that. That was really inspiring.

• 11:06Theo Von?

  That was the best thing. Yeah, that was one something amazing about tires. It was like you heard jokes on there for the first time. There was jokes about everybody.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:13Theo Von?

  And it was just normal stuff you would probably hear.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:16Theo Von?

  At a very alarming rubber shop.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bad tire shop.

• 11:22Theo Von?

  God, this place.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Exactly. And it's like, no one's saying that that's the only comedy that has to exist. You know what I mean? I want to see shit from everybody, but it's like, go make your own shit. Everybody gets to make their own shit. So that's why my version of that is just like a goofy ass.

• 11:38Theo Von?

  Uh, let's start a cult.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  Let's start a cult and it's on VOD. You can rent it, uh, rent it or buy it right now.

• 11:44Theo Von?

  Right now.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  By the time this is out, it'll be, you can go rent it.

• 11:46Theo Von?

  Right now, they can get it.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it's like, and it's like.

• 11:49Theo Von?

  It's a VOD. Like what is that? So I know what means video on the main, but where? Like what does that mean?

• 11:52Speaker 01

  Amazon, just wherever you rent.

• 11:54Theo Von?

  You can go to Amazon.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:55Theo Von?

  Put in, let's start a cult.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  And you'll be able to rent it.

• 11:58Theo Von?

  Exactly. And now what's that price point? How do y'all figure that out?

• 12:00Speaker 01

  I don't actually know, but hopefully low. I'm trying to get it out there. I was trying, I was, I'm trying to get there.

• 12:05Theo Von?

  And what do you mean low? Are you talking 9.99?

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, probably maybe lower even than that.

• 12:09Theo Von?

  Well, that's.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Yeah. I just want people to see it.

• 12:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, but you don't want, yeah, I get that.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  But you're right. I think probably 9.99.

• 12:16Theo Von?

  If somebody's like, I can get this, I can get some McNuggets.

• 12:20Theo Von?

  I, it's not that they're, they're gonna debate between the two.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:23Theo Von?

  But then they're kind of like, hey, I want both for 14.99.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Right. Maybe we should, maybe we should talk to McDonald's. We could do a tie in. Do you remember those glass cups for Batman? You remember those, dude? Those were sick.

• 12:35Theo Von?

  Uh-uh.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  Oh, Batman, I believe Batman Forever, which was not a good movie. It was like the Jim Carrey.

• 12:42Theo Von?

  Oh, I forgot that he was Batman.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  No, no, he was, uh, the Riddler.

• 12:45Theo Von?

  Oh, he was the Riddler?

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. They had those glass cups.

• 12:48Theo Von?

  Oh, wait, with the?

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Those, yes.

• 12:50Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  You remember those, dude?

• 12:52Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  I had the fuck out of those, like the two-faced ones.

• 12:55Theo Von?

  But one loser shattered one of those in the fucking ball pit.

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Mm, mm-hmm.

• 13:00Theo Von?

  And ruined it, you know?

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:01Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  People were dealing with that. Yeah, that one, that one's an iconic one, the Tommy Lee Jones one. That movie was fucking awesome. And the one after it with Mr. Freeze was even more awesome. They had Joel Schumacher, who was just like the gayest guy of all time. He's the man. He's a great director, but he made it fun as shit. Like, those movies sucked coming off the Tim Burton Batmans, because they were like, went from dark and like moody and kind of cool and comic booky to like truly the campiest. It was like essentially Batman going to like drag brunch.

• 13:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  And then like, people weren't ready for that now, but throw those on now, you'll have a great time.

• 13:35Theo Von?

  Oh, okay.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  You'll be like, wow, this is so over the top, but it's fun, dude. You know what I mean? Like, they got jacked guys, they got sexy ladies just parading around. It's very fun. Alicia Silverstone's Batwoman, Batgirl.

• 13:47Theo Von?

  Oh, I remember her.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  She's looking pretty good.

• 13:50Theo Von?

  When did this happen? Because I saw the one with Hugh Ledger. And then I saw Heath Ledger.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:57Theo Von?

  And then I saw the one, um, where it was like the two old guys in the cave running around, you know? Remember that one?

• 14:03Speaker 01

  I don't remember that.

• 14:04Theo Von?

  Batman and Robin.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  Batman versus Superman? Were they on like a rock or something?

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Batman and Robin.

• 14:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, can you bring that up?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Oh, you mean like the old ass ones?

• 14:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, the one where they're like running around in the same cave over and over again?

• 14:17Speaker 02

  With Adam West?

• 14:18Theo Von?

  Yeah, and one of the, oh, there you go, yeah. And one of the guys is like, I'm Batman. The other guy's like, I'm just here, you know?

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:24Theo Von?

  I'm here for the party, that guy.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  Well, they, they were actually part, Adam West was absolutely getting pussy in this era. He was, he's like notorious for fucking and sucking.

• 14:37Theo Von?

  Really?

• 14:37Speaker 01

  In this ti- yeah, and I believe-

• 14:38Theo Von?

  With men, too?

• 14:39Speaker 01

  I don't think men, I, well, I don't know.

• 14:41Theo Von?

  That long pussy?

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Is that what man ass is? Is that this long pussy?

• 14:47Theo Von?

  I think they call it that. Cause dude, if you look at it, they, you know, wiener, wiener is just long pussy.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  Oh, you mean the dick is long pussy? Like an inverted, okay, I thought you meant the ass.

• 15:01Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude. A wiener is just like a pussy that's reaching for something.

• 15:08Theo Von?

  Look at this guy. Now, this just looks like any, uh, this looks like.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  It's awesome. He refused to shave, to shave his mustache, so they just painted it over. This is how little they gave a fuck about the Batman TV show. The guy was like, I'm not shaving my mustache. And they're like, we don't give a fuck, man.

• 15:24Theo Von?

  He's like, I gotta play tennis tomorrow. Not shaving this fucking thing.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  But Burgess Meredith, who played, um, the Penguin in this and also played Mickey and Rocky, I believe him and Adam West were absolute kooz hounds. They were just fucking so much in these, in these times. I, and by that, I mean, I saw one TikTok about it and I love to think of that.

• 15:48Theo Von?

  Well, they didn't even have condoms at this time, did they?

• 15:50Speaker 01

  I don't believe so.

• 15:52Theo Von?

  When did condoms really start to?

• 15:53Speaker 01

  They probably had them, but they weren't using them.

• 15:55Theo Von?

  You think?

• 15:56Speaker 01

  They was like a luxury good. It was like a fancy thing. They had, they probably had like, I bet you, like, cavemen were like, putting their dick in like sheep's like intestines not to have children at a certain point.

• 16:09Theo Von?

  Oh, just to get it out of their system?

• 16:11Speaker 01

  I think they just figured out condoms pretty quick, like.

• 16:13Theo Von?

  Condoms have been used for centuries, but became more popular at different times for different reasons. Eighteenth century condoms became more well-known and the market grew despite opposition.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Opposition to condoms. That was the first time the church was like, this is unnatural. Which in, I absolutely, yeah, yeah.

• 16:30Theo Von?

  Church was against them.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  I promise you, the church was against them because every, they got a nut. The whole point of life is procreation.

• 16:37Theo Von?

  Right.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  So for them.

• 16:38Theo Von?

  And Mother Nature was probably against it. Nature has to be, because nature wants things to have sex.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 16:45Theo Von?

  Right? That's what nature needs that.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:47Theo Von?

  So I wonder if nature put that in the minds of people, like, we can't stop it.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  Yes. You mean mu, like? Like Mother Nature planted that thought into your head.

• 16:56Theo Von?

  Or she's not gonna let that not like, that's her only goal.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 17:00Theo Von?

  Is to smash and party.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  But is it, is it people though? Cause people were doing her harm. Maybe Mother Nature wanted condoms so rabbits, so rabbits and plants and shit could fuck. And bring back, you know, the eco, cause we're fucking polluting, especially if this is the 18th century. Mother Nature probably, she, the industrial revolution happens, we start polluting shit.

• 17:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  She's like, these motherfuckers are no good.

• 17:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, you gotta get, we gotta get them out of here.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  We gotta get them nutting inside of plastic bags, inside of pussies, instead of free and clear.

• 17:30Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's a good point.

• 17:31Speaker 01

  You know?

• 17:32Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's starting to become sort of this, um.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  Oh, look at this.

• 17:35Theo Von?

  It was like blue blockers for pussy kind of, or for, for sex, you know? 19th century. Oh, go on, what you said, we're gonna say, despite opposition, they were sold in pubs, theaters and barber shops.

• 17:48Speaker 01

  When the lineup's so crispy, you know, you're gonna get pussy.

• 17:54Theo Von?

  You're like, now this?

• 17:55Speaker 01

  That's, that's a good marketing ploy.

• 17:57Theo Von?

  It is, huh?

• 17:58Speaker 01

  You're gonna need one of these, pal. I like you, I'm so nice, yeah.

• 18:01Theo Von?

  Good day, sir. And then you get a bad cut and the guy's like, eh, you're not getting.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  I will say this, we have eight for the whole city. And by the way, wash it out and tie it back up when you're done. These things are expensive.

• 18:16Theo Von?

  I know, huh? You see them on the clothesline? Those are the days.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Don't nut in it too much.

• 18:23Theo Von?

  I know, huh? Hey, come on over, I stole my neighbor's condom, man.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, we'll go half on, go in half on a condom with your boy.

• 18:30Theo Von?

  Tonight, tonight, Judy?

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Be like, dude, jack off before you fuck.

• 18:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  I, you know, I don't want the first nut of the day going in this thing. We need the second, the weaker one goes in this one.

• 18:41Theo Von?

  We gotta, we gotta, uh, we gotta keep the foundation intact on this thing, dude.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:47Theo Von?

  The thing is, it can't handle, it can only handle about seven PSI.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's not rated for the first nut of the day loads. It's not rated for that.

• 18:56Theo Von?

  That's crazy. And then 19th century, it says rubber condoms became popular. However, condom use was mainly limited to the upper class due to a lack of sexual education.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 19:07Theo Von?

  And the working classes, wow.

• 19:08Speaker 01

  That makes sense.

• 19:09Theo Von?

  Oh, for sure. Like, these people can barely, you know, if this guy's making shoes all day.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's cobbling.

• 19:15Theo Von?

  Yeah, he's cobbling, or would cobbling be like a hierarchy job, you think?

• 19:20Speaker 01

  Oh, you like, you mean, you mean they're in the shoe factory? The cobbler is kind of a.

• 19:26Theo Von?

  An artisan?

• 19:26Speaker 01

  A bespoke, yes, artisan. You're right. Yeah, yeah. He's probably somewhere in between the two. 19th century, so we're talking the 1800s, you still got both. You still got cobblers and shoe factory workers.

• 19:36Theo Von?

  They wouldn't let them have condoms?

• 19:38Speaker 01

  It's a little bit of both, I would say, where it's like the education keeps them not understanding how useful is. So the working class has kids, working class women have to have kids earlier, they're trapped, they don't get to fucking, you know. I mean, it's a classic thing. The working class always gets tricked in this fucking, in all of human history. While the fucking, the barons fucking suck, you know what I mean? They're on their fucking couches, they're on their chaise lounges.

• 20:03Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  The, the, the factory workers, they don't know any better.

• 20:07Theo Von?

  But then they're just letting them have sex and make more factory workers, which seems bizarre.

• 20:11Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. Well, that's good for, again, the upper classes. They want disposable working class people in shitty living conditions. What do they care?

• 20:19Theo Von?

  Right. And so if people have more kids, it keeps them in poverty because then they have to spend and take care of the children.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, and they get more workers and then wages go lower.

• 20:28Theo Von?

  Right.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  So, you know?

• 20:30Theo Von?

  Keep them going.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  Keep condoms just for the rich.

• 20:32Theo Von?

  Yeah. Condoms in 1950s and 1960s, condoms became a popular birth control method with 42% of Americans of reproductive age using them for birth control between 1955 and 65.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  So that's about when we're, to bring it full circle, that's when Batman, I believe the first Batman was shot. So they probably mixed it up. They probably had condoms, but those guys looked like raw doggers to me.

• 20:56Speaker 01

  I think Adam West, can we do a little research on Adam West's sexual history?

• 21:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, bring that up.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  I think Adam West and Burgess Meredith, they're old school guys. They're not putting on condoms unless absolutely necessary.

• 21:09Theo Von?

  What do you say?

• 21:10Speaker 01

  Well, look at this, Adam West. His stories of romantic conquest, including the infamous night with eight women.

• 21:15Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  Have become the, yeah, this man's.

• 21:17Theo Von?

  Part of lore surrounding his life and career. While some might view Wes candid revelations with a mixture of astonishment and disbelief, they all start for a glimpse into the complexities of living under the spotlight. Yeah.

• 21:28Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 21:28Theo Von?

  Sounds baffling.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  Real tough. Got to fucking suck before smartphones.

• 21:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 21:34Speaker 01

  Lord knows what Adam West was up. There was no way he was.

• 21:37Theo Von?

  Well, he had that bat phone, didn't he?

• 21:41Theo Von?

  He used.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  Hey, what's that? He used it to get head.

• 21:43Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  Mayor, give me the woman with the largest tits in Gotham ASAP. Bring her over to my trailer. You've got it, Batman.

• 21:52Theo Von?

  He just shines that bat light just across into his neighbor's apartment.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Fucking dick. He has a bat light, but he also has a dick light. Whether he's horny or not.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Squish.

• 22:12Theo Von?

  The crazy part was when they would fuck, like they had to run like this or something.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they would go up a wall.

• 22:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:18Speaker 01

  They'd pretend to go up a wall and they literally just put the camera up sideways.

• 22:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  It's pretty fun to watch it.

• 22:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, we need more stuff like that. But, you know, we just need more stuff that's entertainment.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  More goofy bullshit.

• 22:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:29Speaker 01

  And no, we did not have as much sex on the, I don't.

• 22:32Theo Von?

  Yeah. Is there a love story? Is there a love arc in there?

• 22:35Speaker 01

  There, you know, I will say there is a, there is a sex scene.

• 22:38Theo Von?

  Really?

• 22:38Speaker 01

  There is a sex scene. It's, and it was probably my favorite. I wrote the movie, like I said, with my friends and so.

• 22:44Theo Von?

  Of course you write in a sex scene, dude. I used to. I used to have acting class and I would just like, we'd have to do scenes and stuff. And I would always bring a scene where there's like possible making out.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  That's hilarious.

• 22:55Theo Von?

  And sometimes it would just be like two people are walking and they're in an argument and then for no reason they kiss or whatever.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  You wrote it.

• 23:02Theo Von?

  And chicks are always like, this is crazy.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:05Theo Von?

  Like, yeah, it is, dude.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  Janet presses her tits against Mark vigorously. Like, Theo, don't put, don't add actions, please.

• 23:17Speaker 01

  I just think it should be clear.

• 23:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  I think it should be clear. It's a vigorous tit press.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  Uh, it was, I had to, I had to.

• 23:27Theo Von?

  Now, yeah, you had a sex scene.

• 23:29Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 23:29Theo Von?

  Wow. First one you've ever done? Like in a film or something?

• 23:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I think it was.

• 23:34Theo Von?

  You know what I mean? With that hiding your phone on a cabinet across the room?

• 23:39Speaker 01

  Without being like, oh yeah, I don't know why that teddy bear is blinking red. That's weird.

• 23:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 23:45Speaker 01

  I'm gonna go turn it off. Then you just put a fucking piece of black masking tape over it.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  I'm trying to think, cause I will.

• 23:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, how did you think, was that a nervous day?

• 23:57Speaker 01

  It was weird, man. So yeah, there is a sexy, and I don't want to spoil too much, but it's a wild one. And I will say, uh, there, there was an intimacy coordinator and that's the person I felt bad for the most. Cause this person's job is if you're, I had a nude scene. And so if you're nude, some lady has to put a little like, a rubber triangle around your dick and balls.

• 24:20Theo Von?

  Really? Like one of those bibs you get at a crab joint?

• 24:24Speaker 01

  It has, it has a lobster with a fork and a, and a knife in its, in its claws printed on it. It is honestly not that far off from that though. It is just like a, it's like a plastic thong essentially.

• 24:36Theo Von?

  No, and so, so you're naked that day?

• 24:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, perhaps I am.

• 24:42Theo Von?

  So nervous.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, it sucked and it's like, you know.

• 24:46Theo Von?

  And the person's naked, the woman?

• 24:48Speaker 01

  I won't divulge who, I'll just say I'm naked.

• 24:51Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  You know, that's, you know, and, uh, so I'm definitely nude and, and one, and a woman has to, uh, tape, literally tape my dick and balls to this fucking thing. Cause you want to look naked, but you don't want, if, you know, you don't want people to have to look at my dick the whole day. So you want to put like a plastic sheet over it. But this woman's job, anytime that thing like slipped, she had to just like get in there, just this poor lady, man.

• 25:18Theo Von?

  Really?

• 25:18Speaker 01

  She had to retape my shit up.

• 25:20Theo Von?

  She's just like cutting edge with it, huh?

• 25:22Speaker 01

  And she's, it's like the way like, uh, you know, they would, they would tape up your ankles at a high school football game. She had the same demeanor. It was just like a grizzled, you know.

• 25:30Theo Von?

  You're gonna be fine.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  I've seen worse.

• 25:35Theo Von?

  He's like a Eminem's, huh?

• 25:38Speaker 01

  It was tough, but wow. No, dude, I fucking.

• 25:41Theo Von?

  So there's a lot of little layers in the film, huh?

• 25:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's a lot, a lot of, you know, anything, again, anything for a laugh and I wanted, you might never get a chance to make a movie again. So it's like, let's fucking,

• 25:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Let's leave it all out there. You know what I mean?

• 25:53Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:54Speaker 01

  And the way there is always, I love, I, again, I used to love when there was over the top sex scenes in those movies we're talking about. So I was like, let's put one of those and there's some, there's some physical, other physical stuff. I had to run a lot, which is hilarious.

• 26:06Theo Von?

  Really?

• 26:06Speaker 01

  I didn't think about it. Yeah.

• 26:07Theo Von?

  Any acrobatics or anything for you?

• 26:09Speaker 01

  I wish. Next time, dude. Next time I'm gonna fucking spend a year to learning how to do a backflip.

• 26:16Theo Von?

  Yeah. Or the cartwheel that never stops.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, that would be sick.

• 26:20Theo Von?

  That Greek cartwheel.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  That would be awesome.

• 26:21Theo Von?

  Just fucking rattle that bitch. Just eliminate the Albanians with it.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  I would love that. Yeah.

• 26:27Theo Von?

  That's just a joke Albanian. That's just a joke Albanian.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  That's just a joke.

• 26:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 26:32Speaker 01

  One of my dear friends, that's the, the classic racist thing to say. My best friend is Albanian, which is actually true in my case, but it's like the classic.

• 26:42Theo Von?

  What was that? What, and what was the budget of the film? What does it cost of that?

• 26:45Speaker 01

  It was, it was 750K.

• 26:48Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it was, it started at like 200K and we did it with, I want to say, you know, Dark Sky, Dark Sky Films, which like, it's a smaller production company. They've actually, they've done a lot of cool shit, a lot of cool horror movies and stuff, but lower budget stuff. And they were just fucking awesome to work with. They just saw a short that we did. And they thought we were gonna write like a one location, cause the short takes place in one place. But we were like, if you're gonna let us make a movie, we're gonna fucking, there's gonna be wild shit in it.

• 27:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  And so we pretty much pushed it to the, the amount. Cause it's such a weird, you also learn so much about this kind of shit where it's like, if you go over.

• 27:25Theo Von?

  What'd you learn? What was the number one thing you learned? Do you like?

• 27:27Speaker 01

  Well, I mean.

• 27:28Theo Von?

  Well, I interrupted you. If you go over what?

• 27:30Speaker 01

  No, no, like, one of the things I learned is that like, you can't really go over a certain budget because then everything becomes more expensive. And you have to like, you have to get like more, just like for, you know, union reasons, you have to get more people involved. It becomes like a harder job, whereas like, the lower budget, you make a movie, they kind of allow you to like, a lot of people can do different jobs. You can, you know, obviously you have to follow certain rules and you can't overwork people, but um, there was basically like a limit where they were like, look. If you spend any more of this, we have to pay all the actors more. We have to pay everybody else more. And you know, we pretty much lost, I mean, I lost money.

• 28:05Theo Von?

  So you put some of your money in?

• 28:06Speaker 01

  No, but like just not work. I took, I like canceled dates. I like, you know what I mean?

• 28:11Theo Von?

  Your time cost.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Totally, totally. And like, and I'll probably lose money just like traveling to promote it and stuff like that. But again, who gives a fuck? It's about making cool shit. And it's like, I'm not hurting for money. And so, but yeah, you just learn a bunch of, you know, and you also think like, you think a movie is going to be like this fucking actors fucking talking about each scene and shit like that. And they're like, dude, we have fucking 12 minutes to get this. And oh, it's actually the most crucial scene in the movie. Well, good luck.

• 28:42Theo Von?

  And this dog has to be asleep in, in a half hour.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  We're putting the dog down.

• 28:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 28:47Speaker 01

  We're putting the dog down unless you nail this scene. I'm like, huh? Yeah, it's just cheaper to put him down. Union rules. I don't know, bro. Either nail the scene or the fucking Shih Tzu gets it. Oh, I didn't want to kill a dog.

• 29:01Theo Von?

  You shouldn't have fucked with the teens.

• 29:07Theo Von?

  You think you'd be able to make your money back?

• 29:08Speaker 01

  I think so. We did pretty well. You know, we didn't do crazy. We had a, we had a release in theaters just because I just think it's important to see.

• 29:16Theo Von?

  Yeah, no, like, well, you, this is, that's what's amazing about it. It's this, you know, like we had Kevin Smith on and he's done this, you know? But now it's certainly that there are creators that have their own world and they want to make a film sometimes.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 29:31Theo Von?

  Me and Spade wrote a movie and we have a chance to do it, right? And so we're finally going to do it. It just took forever to get it together. And like, nobody in Hollywood wants to finance or anything, but it's cool to see people just making their own stuff. And so, that's why I called you even last week and I was like, hey, tell me about this. I just want to know, because it's just brave. You're trying something.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  Thanks, man. Yeah.

• 29:50Theo Von?

  And it's, um, and it's, yeah, what you want to do. Nobody can kind of tell you what's supposed to be on the script.

• 29:56Speaker 01

  The only limitation was budget. And for me, I think that's so much, that's so much cooler. And you get to actually be an artist about it. Not to fucking suck my own dick. It's a movie about, you know, a fat guy and my, you see my nuts in it. It's not like I'm fucking, again, we're not making.

• 30:10Theo Von?

  You see both your nuts in the movie?

• 30:12Speaker 01

  I will also mention this, they didn't let me show my real nuts, which is a big problem for me.

• 30:16Theo Von?

  Well, how much is it?

• 30:17Speaker 01

  The nuts looked little and I have pretty nice nuts.

• 30:20Theo Von?

  Foundation.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  I have a nice foundation, truly, the dick, the dick is more of an ornamental piece.

• 30:25Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 01

  But it's like the little star at the top.

• 30:28Theo Von?

  The dick is the nose, the lung.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  The dick is the nose.

• 30:32Theo Von?

  The nuts are the lungs.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Absolutely, they go deep.

• 30:36Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  They go deep, they go deep and they're full.

• 30:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Deep breath, let's just say.

• 30:41Theo Von?

  Lungs of the heavens, brother.

• 30:42Speaker 01

  I got Michael Phelps's lungs. Nice capacity on those lungs, nose, not so much, cute little button nose.

• 30:49Theo Von?

  Michael, yeah, Michael, yeah, dude, or a, yeah, it's nothing a snowman would love.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  It's not a Michael Imperioli nose.

• 30:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 30:56Speaker 01

  It's, it's, it's, uh.

• 30:57Theo Von?

  It's very, yeah, it's almost like a burn victim nose.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, right, right, right, right, again, yeah.

• 31:03Theo Von?

  You know?

• 31:04Speaker 01

  Shaved off, they've made it out of a little ankle bone.

• 31:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  They took a little ankle bone and they're like, look, we'll do our best.

• 31:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's kind of Voldemort situation.

• 31:18Theo Von?

  Kind of more of a cat's nose. I've got a penis like a cat's nose, you know?

• 31:25Theo Von?

  It's cold and wet.

• 31:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I guess this kind of.

• 31:30Theo Von?

  It's cold and wet, it stays up all night.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  It stays up all night, yeah, yeah.

• 31:33Theo Von?

  Wandering the streets.

• 31:34Speaker 01

  It'll bother you, it'll bother you all night.

• 31:36Theo Von?

  It'll fucking, yeah, it'll fucking bat your eyes out of your face while you're resting.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  It'll keep nudging you until we give it a little attention.

• 31:45Theo Von?

  It'll bait a jingle about a death on your Christmas tree.

• 31:48Speaker 01

  Um.

• 31:49Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  But yeah, but I didn't get to show my real nuts, which is a prop, but again, these are the artistic sacrifices we have to make sometimes.

• 31:56Theo Von?

  Hey, no on Prop 24, you know, whatever.

• 31:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

• 32:01Theo Von?

  Yeah, but that is crazy and there's, Michael Phelps has small nuts, you cannot, nuts are the.

• 32:06Speaker 01

  I bet you he's got a nice pair. He's a large guy, he's a huge guy, though.

• 32:10Theo Von?

  Nuts are the fucking.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  They show, okay.

• 32:13Theo Von?

  Are you gonna have big back tires on a fucking swimmer?

• 32:15Speaker 01

  I think he's got a nice pair, dude.

• 32:17Theo Von?

  No, he doesn't, look at this.

• 32:18Speaker 01

  No, I will not, I bet you he's tucked them underneath his ass.

• 32:23Theo Von?

  You have to almost tie them in your ass.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  There is, there is, okay. There is a image, I believe. They tried like.

• 32:29Theo Von?

  Wow, look at that.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  He's fucking jacked. He's probably got a, I mean, he's a big dude. He's got a nice pair. Now, I would say probably.

• 32:37Theo Von?

  You don't.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  Size to size, pound for pound, I think I have pretty nice nuts.

• 32:41Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  And not weight. I'm talking about frame.

• 32:44Theo Von?

  Okay, yeah.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  We're not gonna go, we're talking about what my body should be on the, on the, cause nuts, that's a big disadvantage for the fat man. Titties get bigger the fatter you get. Dick and balls stay the same size.

• 32:55Theo Von?

  Is that true?

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Absolutely. Dick, um, my dick got plumper the fatter I got.

• 32:59Theo Von?

  That's almost beautiful this time of year.

• 33:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The leaves change, the dicks, the nuts are getting plumper with every slice of pumpkin pie. Every helping of squash, your fucking dick gets a little bigger. No, your dick got bigger the fatter you are. I would be 800 pounds. You would have like feeders trying to get dicks as big as possible.

• 33:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 33:23Speaker 01

  Which doesn't happen, so.

• 33:25Theo Von?

  But yeah, I think you want those smaller nuts. You want less drag if you're a swimmer. That's not a big thing. You want those Roy Jones juniors, you know? Dude, why don't they have Roy Jones junior mints?

• 33:35Speaker 01

  That's a great idea. Roy Jones junior mints.

• 33:37Theo Von?

  Kidding anymore.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  Yep. They'll knock out bad breath.

• 33:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Done and done, dude.

• 33:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, something chocolatey that knocks out bad breath.

• 33:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. Just a hint of chocolate.

• 33:47Theo Von?

  Oh, um, well, so that movie is out now. People can go check it out.

• 33:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, please go see, please, please go see it.

• 33:52Theo Von?

  Congratulations, man.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Thank you, dude. And yeah, I think it's, you know, so it's cool to support, you know, it's obviously my movie. I, I believe it, believe in it a lot, but it's like, anytime creative people that you like make shit outside of a system, I think it's kind of important to go support that shit.

• 34:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, well, it's kind of like a new realm, you know, and also some movies that are billion dollar movies are horrible. There was one, Ryan Gosling was in, my mom and I went and saw it. It was horrible.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:19Theo Von?

  I went and saw something the other night. It was, um, A Chance in Time or something. Can you look it up for me? We live in time.

• 34:29Theo Von?

  There you go. Well, here's what I don't.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  Is that bad? That looks, I like those actors.

• 34:33Theo Von?

  It was sweet.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  It was cute.

• 34:35Theo Von?

  Every shot was so close on their faces. After a while, you're like, where's all the money they spend on sets? Who, you can't even see the set. So what starts to happen for me, I notice in movies is they shoot things so tight nowadays. Right? Like it's just this.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:51Theo Von?

  And your brain, there's no, like your imagination, if there's more going on, your imagination has to process things on the screen.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:59Theo Von?

  So your imagination is interested in what's going on. But if there's nothing to even really think about, it's so dumbed down. Everything is this tight. You're not, you're just kind of like, you just start to lose interest because I think there's a part of you that's not working, you know?

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:15Theo Von?

  It's like when they shoot comedies now, it's like they shoot everything so tight and it's just about, you, you don't, you don't see people's body language stuff. They just, I feel like they miss out on a lot of things. Just because they think we need it to be so simple.

• 35:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, I think that is another thing that I learned about movies, which I didn't think about at all is that it is such a visual. You think it's about the writing. You think it's about your jokes, especially being a comic. You're like, it's all about the writing. It's all about the jokes. And you don't think about like, it's a visual medium. It's like a bunch of interesting pictures strung together. Ultimately is what it is. And it was interesting to like, like talk to our cinematographer. And a scene that I thought was like pretty straightforward, just two people talking, kind of what you're describing, just faces. He's like, nah, let's fucking play it. Why don't you guys lean on the car? Why don't we make it a little more interesting? And like, that was a fucking sick part of it to like, yeah, I, cause you don't think about that. I just think about the jokes and I just think about my words getting laughs.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  And then it's cool to watch a movie and be like, oh, you just do something with your face and that's a laugh. And you just fucking, you run funny and that's a laugh. You know what I mean? And it's like, that was a cool thing. Again, I love comedy so much and I'm just trying to figure out every way to be funny. And I think like, yeah, what you're saying of like making it interesting, having the visuals being really interesting. That's a huge, a huge, again, it's a cool learning experience. And that's what I, I don't know if you feel this way, but it's like. That's the nice thing about

• 36:39Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  About like, learning you shit is just, how can we be funny and like, the, the time I felt the most engaged in my life was like, when I was an open mic or learning how to do comedy.

• 36:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 36:50Speaker 01

  And it's cool to get the chance to make a movie and like, feel like, I don't know dick. I'm a fucking dumb as shit. Like, let's figure out how to, how to make all this stuff.

• 36:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm a recovering Greek.

• 37:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm fucking, I'll never kick that.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  I had fucking, I had a yee-haw yesterday, bro. I had a yee-haw yesterday, dude. I'll never.

• 37:10Theo Von?

  Sorry, man. I thought you had some time under your belt.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 37:16Theo Von?

  You know, I've, sometimes I put on, uh, them nighttime underpants. You know what I'm talking about? Cause who sleeps naked, baby? A criminal, that's who. Not I. Tommy John's, that's what I'm wearing. I like Tommy John's. I like them, the male negligees they got for you, them underpants because they smooth. You can feel them and they feel good. God, you can't even believe you're feeling yourself. When you got them TJ's on, baby, them Tommy John's. God, they feel so good. I want them on right now. I'll put them all over myself. What I love about them is the waistband isn't super tight on them. Some underpants, you get them, the waistband's so tight. So I have one sip of water and then I gotta go pee pee.

• 38:01Theo Von?

  I don't like doing that. Tommy John lets you feel comfortable and casual inside of your own skin. Exclusively for our listeners, you can shop Tommy John's amazing Black Friday sale early, right now. Save 30% off site wide only at tommyjohn.com/theo with code Theo. That's 30% off for a limited ti-

• 38:29Theo Von?

  excuse me. That's 30% off for a limited time at tommyjohn.com/ t h e o with code Theo. See site for details.

• 38:40Theo Von?

  They say first impressions are important. What about lasting impressions? That's where BlueChew comes in, boy. Snack your way to that wiener, baby. BlueChew helps men have longer lasting and stronger erections. So you can perform at your very best. Don't you want to have that baby cane on you? You feel me? BlueChew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Cialis, Levitra, and Viagra. And those aren't urban women's names. Those are other medicines. Does it work?

• 39:22Theo Von?

  Mm-hmm. I didn't even say that. My wiener did. BlueChew wants you to have the confidence to perform at your best. So discover your options at bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try BlueChew free when you use our promo code Theo at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W.com promo code Theo to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. Let's, you also, you have an annual calendar due, which is pretty crazy.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  I do, yeah.

• 40:06Theo Von?

  Is that coming out sooner?

• 40:07Speaker 01

  That's out now, yeah. That's out now, yes. The 2025.

• 40:10Theo Von?

  Oh, it's already out?

• 40:11Speaker 01

  It's all, you can already buy it, the 2025.

• 40:14Theo Von?

  Look at the calf on this guy.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  You like that, dude?

• 40:16Theo Von?

  Look at the

• 40:17Speaker 01

  It's popping.

• 40:18Theo Von?

  kettlebell you're hiding there.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  It's popping, brother, yeah.

• 40:20Theo Von?

  Wow, you got that Rogan head down there.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Nuts and calves, that's all I got.

• 40:24Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  Fat nuts and calves, and you know.

• 40:27Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  You know.

• 40:28Theo Von?

  And is this real?

• 40:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm on fucking Mount Everest right there. That's me. That's some beautiful, some of it's real, some of it is the work of my, my brilliant producer Benjamin Buttcheeks. Benny Buttcheeks, Ben O'Brien, who also directed my special. He helps me with the calendar as well. Squirtember, of course.

• 40:49Theo Von?

  The get heads be that too right there. Wow.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Now, if you zoom in on those, there's a lot of fun.

• 40:57Theo Von?

  A lot of fun things to see, right? The set, right? It adds to it.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Moby Cock.

• 41:02Theo Von?

  Do you?

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Less jizzables.

• 41:04Theo Von?

  Wow. Oh, the different books on that bookshelf? A lot of Easter eggs in here, huh?

• 41:09Speaker 01

  A lot of Easter eggs, a lot of Easter eggs. And then we have Halloween right there.

• 41:13Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. And this is very Chelsea Lynn. You got, she has a calendar as well.

• 41:18Speaker 01

  I, yes, I saw that she had that. I've been, I, uh, I've been doing a nude, this was the first thing that was successful in my career. Before I had anything going on, I would, I sold a nude calendar when I was like, basically a feature. I was opening for Bobby Kelly and dude, this was the first thing that ever made me money. I've been doing a calendar for legitimately, probably, I think nine years.

• 41:40Theo Von?

  Really?

• 41:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:41Theo Von?

  Okay, so you're doing it before Chelsea Lynn?

• 41:42Speaker 01

  I used to print them myself. I used to sell them out of my fucking Honda Civic. And now it's like, and now it makes a shit ton of money, but I would make like a couple, like back in the day, I'd make a couple thousand bucks. And I was like, I'm fucking rich, dude.

• 41:54Theo Von?

  And the, the headliner starts to hate you, dude. He tells you, that was always a thing, the headliner and the feature selling stuff.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  Well, that's why, I mean, Bobby was the man and he, he knew me and I was like, then, and he was cool with it. And I also would just like, I would just fucking sell it on Instagram and like mail it personally to people.

• 42:10Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 42:11Speaker 01

  Like I had no, just like sell it out of the back of my fucking trunk at like, I would be headlining shitty little fucking, you know, like a, a restaurant in Frederick, Maryland.

• 42:22Theo Von?

  Oh, and just be 12 Polaroids a year, cock or whatever? And you just wrote a different month on each one? You're like, but if you only had 11 Polaroids, it's like January, February, spring.

• 42:35Theo Von?

  June, July, August.

• 42:39Theo Von?

  Do you ever audition other men to be in it? Cause I was wondering if there should be more, I mean, you do a great job, right?

• 42:45Speaker 01

  Thank you, thank you.

• 42:45Theo Von?

  But would there ever be the possibility to creating a, something around the idea of getting other men in there?

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Interesting. And diversity of body types.

• 42:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Um, I don't know. I've never considered, I, I did think at one point to get to make it like a collaborative calendar where every month, there's like a. A guest that's a different type of person, you know, like maybe men, maybe women, some non-binary motherfuckers, just some different body types.

• 43:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, he's Sagittarius, whatever dude.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, get them all.

• 43:15Theo Von?

  Barbecue lovers, whatever.

• 43:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, so, yeah. Some centaurs, uh, some, uh,

• 43:21Theo Von?

  Oh yeah.

• 43:21Speaker 01

  Half.

• 43:22Theo Von?

  Short legs.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Yep, yep.

• 43:24Theo Von?

  Long life.

• 43:26Speaker 01

  That is true. The taller you are, the, the quicker you die.

• 43:29Theo Von?

  Is it?

• 43:30Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 43:30Theo Von?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  Short people live longer.

• 43:33Theo Von?

  Bring them down.

• 43:35Speaker 01

  Enjoy all that pussy 6'6" guys.

• 43:38Theo Von?

  Yeah. Must be nice dude.

• 43:40Speaker 01

  Now, I'm not gonna go into the obesity metrics right now. We're just gonna keep it, we're just gonna keep it just on height.

• 43:49Speaker 01

  I'm gonna take my wins where I can get them, brother.

• 43:52Theo Von?

  This ain't about me dude. Some people say fat, some people say foundational.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 43:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 43:59Speaker 01

  A good foundation, you're not knocking me over in the wind.

• 44:02Theo Von?

  It would be cool if you got guys on there, just get like, you could get a lot of union workers.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  Sure, I would love to get, yeah, you're right, I should get.

• 44:09Theo Von?

  Lay them down, put some grapes on their chest.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

• 44:13Theo Von?

  Dude, grapes will, that'll fucking, that'll Greek out any union worker.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  Sure. I think they're close. I think you show them a little, you know, any of the, the most hard edged union worker, you show them a little bit of the forbidden fruit of what it can be like to be, to be a fat, uh, you know, just, you, they would trade in a heartbeat.

• 44:31Theo Von?

  Oh, some Rubenesque cement workers.

• 44:33Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, yes, yes, absolutely. That's what we should, that's what we should figure out here. We should set up a situation where it's like, look, we got DMs coming in.

• 44:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  We're not gonna be able to fuck everybody who wants to fuck us. We don't wanna fuck everybody who wants to fuck us, right?

• 44:46Theo Von?

  What do you mean, what are you saying?

• 44:48Speaker 01

  I'm saying, both of us, I feel like, have, uh, I'm sure your D, I don't check my DMs too much.

• 44:53Theo Von?

  Oh, your DMs coming in, you're saying?

• 44:55Speaker 01

  I'm saying.

• 44:56Theo Von?

  Oh, so there's women you can date?

• 44:57Speaker 01

  Young ladies that wanna, you know, are attracted to a style of guy.

• 45:01Theo Von?

  Older ladies.

• 45:01Speaker 01

  Older ladies, uh, across the board. We're not gonna fuck all of them. We should be able to find, in my case, Rubenesque, you know, union workers. In your case, I don't, you know, I don't know exactly, no guys that run rehabs or, you know, you know, like guys that run rehabs or I don't know.

• 45:18Theo Von?

  I've been off for a couple of free 30 day stays. I'll tell you that.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  But, you know, little mullet guys, you know what I mean? Theo style gentleman.

• 45:29Theo Von?

  Yeah. Neighbors of farmers.

• 45:31Speaker 01

  Neighbors of far- yeah, they don't do any, any farming themselves, but they, they got the same zip code. They got farmland zip code, but they don't own a tractor.

• 45:39Theo Von?

  But they'll sit on their porch and look at the other guy's place and be like, oh, look at these soil feds over there, you know? So, yeah, there's.

• 45:49Speaker 01

  We should be able to, to hand them off.

• 45:51Theo Von?

  Yes.

• 45:51Speaker 01

  Some of the DMs. That's all I'm saying. I think that would be a nice thing to do.

• 45:55Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. Like donate a DM to someone.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Donate a DM, almost like create love connections, you know?

• 46:01Theo Von?

  Ooh, I would love to see a dating site if you would put one together.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  I'd love to do that. I'd love to do, host a dating show, actually. That would be awesome.

• 46:08Theo Von?

  You'd be so good at it.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  That would be awesome.

• 46:09Theo Von?

  That could be maybe your next movie. You host a dating show and then you find love somehow.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  I love that. A little romantic comedy.

• 46:15Theo Von?

  Yeah, I remember you saying one time about like, uh, one of the reasons that you got into comedy was for dating, right? A lot of guys.

• 46:19Speaker 01

  Purely, without question.

• 46:21Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 46:21Speaker 01

  And I think maybe.

• 46:22Theo Von?

  And is that still a good reason? Do you feel like, like, what's that evolved like a little bit? You know, or to get laid? Like, does that work? You know? And what's the dangers also of having sex in some places, some regions of the country?

• 46:35Speaker 01

  The regional dangers of coitus?

• 46:37Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm just saying, if you're ever in the bus belt, you know?

• 46:42Speaker 01

  Well, you can't let it fly like Adam West used to.

• 46:45Theo Von?

  That's true.

• 46:45Speaker 01

  I'm definitely using condoms. I'll put it that way.

• 46:47Theo Von?

  There you go.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  The dangers of the bus, you don't want to get stuck in the bus belt.

• 46:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  You can make, you can have a, a nice visit, but you don't want to be a father that has to check in court ordered once a month at the bus belt. That's the biggest danger.

• 46:59Theo Von?

  Especially if it's a layover to get to your child. How many children lose out on a father because it's a layover?

• 47:07Speaker 01

  Right, because JetBlue doesn't want to fucking fly direct to Akron.

• 47:12Theo Von?

  And we just used Akron in a joke last week. It was just crazy that you did as well. Cause we did, we did show in Akron.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were there at the same, that was, that's why I thought of it. That was fun as shit.

• 47:23Theo Von?

  It was fun. But yeah, what are the side effects now as you see that? You've been out in the, you know, you've been out in the world over there, you know?

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 47:29Theo Von?

  Glazing.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

• 47:32Theo Von?

  You know, glazing the, you know, different, um.

• 47:34Speaker 01

  Literal glazing, not the metaphorical, like sort of pumping somebody up.

• 47:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  You mean actually glazing?

• 47:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, just, uh, yeah, or, you know, uh, whatever they call it.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Letting it fly?

• 47:45Theo Von?

  Yeah, filling the man, you know, doing the manicotti or whatever.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, filling the manicotti up.

• 47:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 47:52Speaker 01

  Filling up the manicolt.

• 47:53Theo Von?

  Yeah. You've been more, you know?

• 47:55Speaker 01

  Creaming the cannoli.

• 47:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I got you, brother.

• 48:00Theo Von?

  But yeah, and what is, what does it look like over time? Do you feel like?

• 48:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 48:05Theo Von?

  Cause that gets.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  Not good. Not good at all.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  I mean, that's, that's something I'm facing kind of, I don't know if it's head on. I don't know if I, it's one of those things. There's a couple of things remaining in my life that I feel like I need to conquer. And that's long-term health. Like I have, I took a lot of time off and I lost some weight this year. I lost like 45 pounds. But in the month that I've been shooting tires, promoting the movie, doing stand-up again, fucking, I've gained 10 pounds. You know what I mean?

• 48:34Theo Von?

  Really?

• 48:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, cause.

• 48:35Theo Von?

  Cause you look more organized. Your body does.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a, it was a mess before. It was like, uh, when you go, remember you just, that show where they would open up random, uh, storage units?

• 48:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  That's kind of what my body was like. You never, you, once the shirt comes off, you don't know what you're gonna get.

• 48:50Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? There is a little more. Now you open up a storage unit, at least it's got some rusty shelves that all the, all the, all the stuff is in, in little boxes.

• 48:58Theo Von?

  Curios.

• 48:59Speaker 01

  Like, okay. It's a cabinet of curios.

• 49:02Theo Von?

  There's a little something, you know.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  Uh, I've been working out and so I still am lifting weights and stuff and I feel better. I I literally city biked over here from from Queens.

• 49:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, cuz you're a little wet when you got here.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  I had a sweat. I was I was fucking city biking, listening to Sexy Red, you know, the In Sexy We Trust. Lot of bangers on that. Nothing like listening to bad bitches when you're working out, in my experience. Cuz it puts me in that in that headspace, you know.

• 49:29Theo Von?

  Oh, I see.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  Of that, like, you know, there's something a little more, there's something a little more, um, you know, sure.

• 49:36Theo Von?

  She's back.

• 49:37Speaker 01

  I love She's Back. Honestly, the one about the, uh, the gentleman being outside, I don't remember which, uh, I don't remember which one it is. It's sort of like, uh, you know, uh, an anthem for for the gals to get ready. Maybe it's outside.

• 49:51Theo Von?

  Outside.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Outside, yeah. It's basically a song about, hey, gals, uh, you know, look real hot. There's a bunch of sexy gentlemen outside. And even though I don't want to fuck the guys.

• 50:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 50:02Speaker 01

  I could gender flip that and be like, fellas.

• 50:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 50:04Speaker 01

  There's whores to be gotten. Let's fucking put on our nice shirt. Let's get out there.

• 50:09Theo Von?

  There's opportunity to meet these gals.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  To be gotten.

• 50:11Theo Von?

  Yeah, cuz I'll go in the bathroom sometimes at a bar and there'll be guys in there and I'll yell like, fucking piss and get back out there.

• 50:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, boys.

• 50:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 50:17Speaker 01

  Come on. You've been shut, you've been shut down three times in a row. Actually, maybe go home now that I think of it. You're kind of fucking the vibes up. I just thought about it for a second. Please leave. Both the ratio and the vibes are being fucked up by you.

• 50:36Theo Von?

  I'm more like a, like a you pissies ass rant when I'm in there. I'll just start telling them like.

• 50:40Speaker 01

  Rally the boys?

• 50:42Theo Von?

  Get back out there. What are you made? What do you mean you're coked up, you little queer?

• 50:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean there's no way your dick works?

• 50:49Theo Von?

  Remember, people used to slap people like that.

• 50:52Speaker 01

  That, I really want to do that once in my life.

• 50:54Theo Von?

  Three Stooges, you could be in one of the Three Stooges, brother.

• 50:57Speaker 01

  I would love to. I would love to do some physical comedy. But I would also love to bring one of my friends to his senses when he's having a psychotic break with a nice, get yourself together, man. That would feel awesome.

• 51:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. Get yourself together, man. The markets are closed.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  And that's all it used to take.

• 51:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  You didn't have to send someone to a fucking mental institution.

• 51:18Theo Von?

  You fucking popped him once in a public street.

• 51:22Speaker 01

  Simpler times.

• 51:24Theo Von?

  Different times.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Did he go home and hit his wife? Not deal with any of the mental issues? Probably. We can't say.

• 51:32Theo Von?

  We don't know.

• 51:33Speaker 01

  Maybe it is better. Again, on second thought.

• 51:35Theo Von?

  There wasn't a lot of accurate reporting back then.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  We don't know the numbers.

• 51:40Theo Von?

  Do you, what was that like taking a year? You took a year off stand up?

• 51:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:43Theo Von?

  Was it a year?

• 51:44Speaker 01

  It was about six months, but yeah, I didn't tour from February until I had like one date.

• 51:50Theo Von?

  But you still practiced or no?

• 51:52Speaker 01

  No, I was, I didn't, I didn't do any stand up. And it was, it was fun. The thing that sucks is it was awesome. Like I felt peaceful. I didn't have to travel every fucking week.

• 52:02Theo Von?

  Being unemployed.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was, yeah, exactly. It felt like that. I would, I would go on long walks. I would fucking go to, I would go to like fucking the supermarket and just see what was on. It's like, what's on special today? I had like.

• 52:15Theo Von?

  I've never heard somebody say, I go on long walks.

• 52:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:19Theo Von?

  Through the supermarket.

• 52:20Speaker 01

  To the supermarket.

• 52:21Theo Von?

  Oh, to the supermarket.

• 52:22Speaker 01

  Not through. No, no, no.

• 52:23Theo Von?

  Here's this guy who's fucking.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  I'm pulling up to a fucking Safeway and hitting, I'm hitting all the aisles at the grocery store.

• 52:29Theo Von?

  It's like, oh, what do you mean there's not a mile marker by the Graham crackers?

• 52:34Speaker 01

  The way they have old people walk through malls. They have fat people walk through grocery stores. Like, come on, these are your favorite things, little buddy. You pass the ice cream eight times. You get, you get a lick, you get a, you get a fucking thing, a whole halo top. No, I would, I would fucking walk by the water and ball, I was in Baltimore. I would take long ass walks. I would buy like one piece of meat, grill it up, eat it with some veggies. It was a beautiful, beautiful, simple life, but I also love, that's the other thing is like, and I did stand up. I was like, damn, this is awesome.

• 53:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 01

  But I think the, the, the lesson is to not do three things at once.

• 53:10Theo Von?

  It's a lot.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  So I think like next year when I tour, I'm not doing anything else. Like right now I made the mistake of going from nothing to tires. The movie coming out.

• 53:21Speaker 01

  My, back to my stand up, back to my podcast. I'm also, I have a tour that I'm announcing. I think actually probably if it comes out next week, it'll be then, but the dreamboat tour. I'm doing a big, all across like.

• 53:32Theo Von?

  On the water?

• 53:33Speaker 01

  I, yeah, that would be fucking sick. I should have done that. I should have chartered a sailboat, but no, it's more of a metaphor. Metaphorically, the dreamboat tour.

• 53:41Theo Von?

  Can you imagine fucking chartering a sailboat to go to your shows?

• 53:48Speaker 01

  That would be fucking awesome.

• 53:49Theo Von?

  Like, where is Sire? Like, he's on the horn, he's on the...

• 53:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, the K, the horn of Africa, the horn of, yeah, he got caught. The gales, the gales of November came early and caught him.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  He's marooned off Vancouver Island.

• 54:04Theo Von?

  Off the seashell. Yeah, he only sold forty tickets near the Suez Canal.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  He's still gotta go. He's still gotta go.

• 54:14Theo Von?

  Are the Greeks the blacks of, are, some people say, some people say that the Greeks are the blacks of Europe.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Who are these people exactly?

• 54:27Theo Von?

  Bring up someone, bring up.

• 54:31Theo Von?

  Google. No, people say that all the time.

• 54:36Theo Von?

  I'm serious, man.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 54:41Theo Von?

  You'll be wandering past an olive shop.

• 54:46Theo Von?

  And you'll, you'll, the door will open and you'll hear somebody yell.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  Are you talking about your internal monologio? Are you talking about every time you see a Greek person? That's what you think?

• 54:56Theo Von?

  I'm just saying, there is a lot of people call them black olives.

• 55:05Theo Von?

  There's a lot of conversation about black olives out there.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  Hey, I'll, I'll take that with pride. Black people are the cool, they, they're the culture. They're the culture drivers of America without question.

• 55:15Theo Von?

  Cultural filters.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  In some ways, I guess that's, you know, maybe ancient Greece, what's democracy if not the original hip hop?

• 55:21Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? How everything filtered out from that, kind of, you know, the same way.

• 55:26Theo Von?

  Love it when you call me Big Socrates.

• 55:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same way music's been taking from black people forever. Everyone's kind of been taking our shit between philosophy and democracy forever.

• 55:36Theo Von?

  Hey, if he's a Pompeii.

• 55:39Speaker 01

  Pompeii, I believe was, was that the Roman Empire?

• 55:42Theo Von?

  Don't be a hater.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  Fuck Rome. They took our whole shit.

• 55:46Theo Von?

  Some people think it's in Greece.

• 55:49Theo Von?

  So, don't kill our dreams.

• 55:51Speaker 01

  Louisiana public school system.

• 55:56Theo Von?

  Cheaper globes.

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Cheaper globes, if they're from eighteen twenty.

• 56:01Theo Von?

  Thirty countries.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  They mash Europe together. Yeah.

• 56:08Theo Von?

  So no comment on that, huh?

• 56:10Speaker 01

  Uh, I say, I'll take that. Like I said, you know, I, I had a joke on my special where if you think of it really, I think Greeks are probably the most light skinned Arabs. It's really what we have more cultural. We're pretty similar people. Loud, you know what I mean? Like loud, kind of flashy. You know what I mean? But I think people, British people loved England or England loved ancient Greece so much that they were like, we gotta make them white because then white people were, you know what I mean? Like ancient Greece was white. When in reality, I think we're probably light skinned Arabs.

• 56:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 56:48Speaker 01

  Very loud, you know, touchy feely. You know what I mean? Like it just, it's the same vibe. The gold jewel, you know, I'm wearing jewels.

• 56:54Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:55Speaker 01

  You know what I mean?

• 56:56Theo Von?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 56:57Speaker 01

  Very, yeah, warm, intense people. We're not, we're less, you know, I feel like.

• 57:02Theo Von?

  Like grape?

• 57:03Speaker 01

  What's that? Like grapes?

• 57:05Theo Von?

  Grapes is a very Middle Eastern food, isn't it?

• 57:07Speaker 01

  We'll take grapes. We'll take grapes. Dates, all that type of shit.

• 57:09Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  A date's nice. And me personally, I like, I like that kind of, that kind of, that style of woman as well. Nice curly hair, big nose type of situation.

• 57:18Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  Anywhere from like, you know, you go Spain to the Middle East kind of.

• 57:22Theo Von?

  I met a beautiful Greek girl one time in Florida.

• 57:25Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 57:26Theo Von?

  And popped a couple of wiener pills or something. This is early when the gas stations just had them.

• 57:30Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, sure, sure. When we talk about street overlord, uh, Rhino.

• 57:35Theo Von?

  This was before Rhino.

• 57:36Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 57:37Theo Von?

  This was like, uh, I think these were healthy dose or something.

• 57:42Theo Von?

  Or, uh, the last captain, I think that was called. It was like, these were hopeful ones, you know?

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Love it, love it, love it, love it.

• 57:51Theo Von?

  And I remember I took a couple of them and then I was like trying to make out this girl and my nose started bleeding

• 57:58Theo Von?

  right onto her chest, dude.

• 58:01Speaker 01

  Oh, what a shame. That could have been your wife, dude.

• 58:04Theo Von?

  She was so cool too. There's something about a curly haired woman, dude.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  I agree. I actually, my favorite.

• 58:09Theo Von?

  Yeah. You know, they're crazy if their hair had to come out like that.

• 58:14Theo Von?

  You know, like you must.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  You would have been a great 17th century doctor. Well, you can tell she's suffering from bouts of insanity. Look at her hair. Look at the wave in her hair.

• 58:25Theo Von?

  My God, look at the print out here.

• 58:29Theo Von?

  This is, she's lying.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Look how far apart her eyes are. That's a space for deceit. That's the deceit zone right here.

• 58:40Theo Von?

  I guess she's just Polish. Let's calm down. But they look at, uh, they, it's like the, um, you're a lie detector test or whatever.

• 58:49Theo Von?

  What else is go-

• 58:50Speaker 01

  Wow, the boner pills, huh?

• 58:52Theo Von?

  Bro, I took them most of my life because I just had so much anxiety.

• 58:56Speaker 01

  Oh dude, believe me. Same. I'm lucky that I only caught the tail end of the, of the, uh, gas station era.

• 59:04Theo Von?

  Those are horrible.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Now you can get them online pretty easily, but I also want, in the, in between, one time I convinced I had an old Italian doctor. And I convinced him I had some other, I read that like, if you have some kind of prostate issue, you can also take Cialis to like relieve that. I just kind of read it as like, I was doing my research.

• 59:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 59:23Speaker 01

  And I was like, dude, I think my fucking prostate's fucked up.

• 59:26Theo Von?

  Acting up.

• 59:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. My prostate's acting up.

• 59:29Theo Von?

  Picking up radio stations.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. And he was like, and he had to put his finger up my ass. And he realized the prostate was fine, but then he was like, okay, I give you the couple. He knew what I wanted, which is also like, why'd you have to put your finger up my ass?

• 59:49Speaker 01

  But I guess he just was hoping I was on to something. And then he was like, listen, I give you this in the morning. But he was like, he knew I was just, I was like 20.

• 59:59Theo Von?

  He had short fingers. Wide fingers though. Like, come on.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  He was fucking awesome. And he just gave me a couple dick pills. And dude, those were like, that was my holy grail. I had like a sample pack of Cialis and I fucking.

• 1:00:12Theo Von?

  Oh, so the, when that, yeah, when those sample Cialis and stuff hit the streets, they were breaking people's windows to get those. I went, when I first went to college, I went and lived with my buddy's dad. He had a Viagra prescription, right? He lived in a one bedroom apartment.

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  Where the fuck were you living? On the couch. Yeah, that's awesome.

• 1:00:31Theo Von?

  And we would take turns like sleeping on the couch with the bed, right? And so, and there was-

• 1:00:35Speaker 01

  You and his dad?

• 1:00:38Theo Von?

  And the reason I did was because he got a boner pill subscriptions, right?

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  So you could.

• 1:00:42Theo Von?

  So I could nibble off a little.

• 1:00:45Theo Von?

  But he only got like eight of them. And I'm like, fuck, it's so hard to steal off.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  Steal out of eight is a tough.

• 1:00:52Theo Von?

  Kind of like the third day you can pull one. You're like, oh, he got drunk. He took two. Yeah, no. But then you have to cut one directly in half. Like, well, how did one?

• 1:01:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:00Theo Von?

  Just take it in half.

• 1:01:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta take it in half. You gotta make that last.

• 1:01:05Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  You gotta make that last.

• 1:01:07Theo Von?

  And then it, but it's.

• 1:01:08Speaker 01

  That's a fun, that's a fun kind of Passover parable.

• 1:01:11Theo Von?

  It was horrible.

• 1:01:12Speaker 01

  Making the one dick pill last.

• 1:01:13Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  12 days. Just nibbling on it just a little bit.

• 1:01:17Theo Von?

  We had one can of oil and we made it last for 64 days.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. One dick pill, 100 milligram Viagra. We made it last for 12 weeks. We each took one lick of it. Me and my friend's dad.

• 1:01:33Theo Von?

  Shabbat shalom.

• 1:01:34Speaker 01

  How long? Yep. Shabbat shalom. How long were you living with your friend's father?

• 1:01:41Theo Von?

  Six months, one semester of school. God.

• 1:01:45Speaker 01

  How were your grades that semester?

• 1:01:47Theo Von?

  It was crazy. We had a wall. There was like a half wall. There was a, it was a loft. The bedroom was a loft and there was a living room. It was a nice building. They did have a pool at the building. That was pretty cool.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:01:57Theo Von?

  And I was learning to play guitar at the time. And so I would go in there. He'd have some, every now and then he'd have a chick stay over and I'd go in there and play.

• 1:02:05Theo Von?

  Teasing.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  The song about Eric Clapton's son dying.

• 1:02:10Theo Von?

  That is about.

• 1:02:11Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's a song you would play while the guy was getting pussy.

• 1:02:16Speaker 01

  It's about his fucking son falling out of a window.

• 1:02:21Theo Von?

  No way. How was his son? Was he in the military?

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  No, he was like a little ass kid, dude. It's a tragic song.

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  Sorry Eric.

• 1:02:35Theo Von?

  Is Eric alive?

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  He's alive, yeah.

• 1:02:40Speaker 01

  So, so your friend's dad, who's giving you shelter is getting pussy with one of his eight Viagra's? And he has to battle that Viagra's up against that old man's LED and the saddest song, one of the saddest songs of the nineties. A poor rendition, by the way, there's no way you were good at it. You're butchering it and it's sad as shit.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  Bink, bink. Oh, sorry, sorry. Bink, bink, bink. Ding, bong. Oh, so my bad. Bing, bing, bong, bing, bing.

• 1:03:17Theo Von?

  But I would go in there and one time after a couple, they would requesting me to come back.

• 1:03:21Speaker 01

  Wow. You were the fucking, you were the music for them fucking.

• 1:03:26Theo Von?

  Well, usually Postcoital that would bring me in.

• 1:03:29Speaker 01

  Postcoital.

• 1:03:29Theo Von?

  And I also then eventually played, um, uh, um, uh, Every Rose Has Its Thorn.

• 1:03:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:03:36Theo Von?

  I rocked that for him a little bit.

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:03:38Theo Von?

  And I did eventually a, um, Widespread Panic.

• 1:03:42Speaker 01

  Okay, nice. Yeah, that's good, man. So that was just the three song spread?

• 1:03:46Theo Von?

  Yeah, fucking rattle out a very poor rendition. Lot of hand beating on the fucking.

• 1:03:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try and dress it up. You can barely play guitar.

• 1:03:56Theo Von?

  Niveling on a Viagra to keep me going.

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  Like a mouse with a little piece of cheese.

• 1:04:00Theo Von?

  And that dude was hammering dude and I was, and I was having so much sexual issues and shit. He'd be in there just fucking. I almost have days to send him in there. I'd be like, just go up the hill, man.

• 1:04:11Speaker 01

  Come on, climb up his bunk bed. Climb up the top bunk.

• 1:04:16Theo Von?

  Turn around.

• 1:04:18Speaker 01

  That's a very interesting living room, like, uh.

• 1:04:21Theo Von?

  It was crazy dude.

• 1:04:21Speaker 01

  Roommate dynamic.

• 1:04:22Theo Von?

  And we had an eclipse. His son had an eclipse because this dude was struggling. His son had an eclipse. Yeah. Mitsubishi Eclipse, but it wouldn't turn off, right? You couldn't turn it off. So you had to just.

• 1:04:33Speaker 01

  Siphon gas?

• 1:04:34Theo Von?

  No, you just have to keep putting gas. So we'd keep like.

• 1:04:37Speaker 01

  Hold on, hold on. It never turned off.

• 1:04:41Theo Von?

  You could, but you'd have to fuck. It was so hard to get back on. So we would just, we'd keep like extra cans of gas at the fucking parking space. We had an underground parking space. Yeah, that was it, but it was a green one.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  That's a nice car, man.

• 1:04:54Theo Von?

  It was a green one, and it had good rims on it too. I don't know if they have that. Oh, not that green. That is very.

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  More of a sea foam?

• 1:05:03Theo Von?

  Yeah, I would go with that one to the right of the horizontal one, of the vertical one. Left, left, right there.

• 1:05:10Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. Nice.

• 1:05:10Theo Von?

  Something like that. Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Not as nice as that, but it's something like that.

• 1:05:16Speaker 01

  The idea.

• 1:05:16Theo Von?

  Yeah, but that bitch, uh, we would keep a couple cans of gas because it got great mileage. You could fucking keep it going.

• 1:05:24Speaker 01

  I don't know how good the mileage is if you have to keep the gas just to keep it running.

• 1:05:29Theo Von?

  I would drive that bitch over to, I went to Loyola University. I'd drive that bitch.

• 1:05:33Speaker 01

  Loyola where? There's one in New Orleans?

• 1:05:36Theo Von?

  And since you kept it running, people didn't, you could park in a weird spot and people like, other guys just coming and going.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  And how long would it be there idling?

• 1:05:44Theo Von?

  Fucking two hours. I'd fucking be in class.

• 1:05:49Theo Von?

  I'd be in class, dude. But it was kind of nice. Right when you got to it, got right in.

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, sure, sure. You don't have the fuck, that hassle of doing this. Turning your fucking, turning your fucking four finger, one inch.

• 1:06:05Theo Von?

  But it was a flex to the lady. Like, damn, that guy's a chauffeur.

• 1:06:07Speaker 01

  Keep it running. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:09Theo Von?

  Like, it's him.

• 1:06:11Speaker 01

  It's you from the past.

• 1:06:14Speaker 01

  But that's my chauffeur.

• 1:06:15Theo Von?

  Chauffeur, nah. Sorry, guys, my ride's here.

• 1:06:18Speaker 01

  My ride's here. No one stole it, huh?

• 1:06:21Theo Von?

  No.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  They respected the eclipse.

• 1:06:23Theo Von?

  I guess. I mean, sometimes I'll put the plasters on. I think it's like, there's a lot of reverse psychology there, you know? It's a lot of General Sherman.

• 1:06:30Speaker 01

  Hiding in plain sight.

• 1:06:32Theo Von?

  Very much of the Ongonkwin. How they behaved.

• 1:06:37Speaker 01

  I love the idea. And how old was that guy at the time? Is that depressing to think about?

• 1:06:42Theo Von?

  Fifty-two. Handsome, pretty good at tennis.

• 1:06:44Speaker 01

  Handsome.

• 1:06:45Theo Von?

  He could wear short shorts.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 1:06:47Theo Von?

  He's a foundational guy.

• 1:06:48Speaker 01

  Foundation, we, plus-size guy?

• 1:06:50Theo Von?

  Mm, middle size.

• 1:06:51Speaker 01

  Middle size, mid-size.

• 1:06:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:53Speaker 01

  Love that. I see.

• 1:06:55Theo Von?

  I love to drink. He's a vodka, orange juice guy in the morning, even. Morning drinker.

• 1:07:01Speaker 01

  And I guess a divorced man?

• 1:07:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:03Speaker 01

  If he was hammered.

• 1:07:04Theo Von?

  I'd live with his family before that.

• 1:07:06Speaker 01

  Before, well, through the divorce?

• 1:07:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:07Speaker 01

  And then he got you in the divorce?

• 1:07:11Speaker 01

  He's like, how the fuck did I end up with my son's adult friend in the divorce? This bitch got the house. I got CO playing fucking Tears of Heaven while I'm trying to get, keep a hard on.

• 1:07:25Theo Von?

  And meanwhile, you can barely hear the song because there's a Mitsubishi Eclipse.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  Riding, the fumes are coming up through the underground garage. You have fucking poison, you have CO2 poisoning.

• 1:07:41Theo Von?

  Oh man, dude.

• 1:07:43Speaker 01

  That's fucking awesome.

• 1:07:44Theo Von?

  That's crazy, dude.

• 1:07:45Speaker 01

  Was that your weirdest?

• 1:07:46Theo Von?

  That was probably one of my craziest living situations, but I always lived for cheap, man. I slept on my buddy's bed for probably seven months out in Flo- in, uh, in Los Angeles when I first got out there. I lived in this little cupboard that was in a, um, living room. They have like these two cupboard doors and it was like four, three feet high, four feet wide.

• 1:08:06Speaker 01

  Just the bed?

• 1:08:07Theo Von?

  No, there was no bed in there. It was just a floor, right? But you put a, um, but it was long and it was like probably eight feet deep. So it was perfect. Like I go into bed, boom, get in there like a bird, little bird house or whatever.

• 1:08:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:18Theo Von?

  And sometimes I come out right on the hour, you know?

• 1:08:25Theo Von?

  But I was always sharing, dude. I slept on my buddy's floor for a hundred and fifty dollars in college in a sleeping bag and I'd fucking yell at him, complain about shit.

• 1:08:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:32Theo Von?

  But he needed the money.

• 1:08:36Speaker 01

  It's so fucking funny. I did the same. I, I similarly, I convinced my friends to give me a shitty room in their house in Baltimore. I lived for three hundred bucks, uh, a month. I had a room. They were just like, I was literally living on the, my, my go-to meal was beans and eggs. On one, I would bake them and put them on one sheet and that way I could just use the sheet as my plate. I wouldn't have to do dishes. I just, after I'm done eating the beans and eggs.

• 1:09:03Theo Von?

  Into the washing machine.

• 1:09:06Speaker 01

  Directly into the washing machine with the condoms from the 18th century. Hanging off the fucking clothesline.

• 1:09:13Theo Von?

  Don't mind if I.

• 1:09:14Speaker 01

  Don't mind, no.

• 1:09:16Theo Von?

  Please hang them. Let the neighbors see. We're fully operational, baby.

• 1:09:21Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. No, no one eighth of a Viagra needed.

• 1:09:25Theo Von?

  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Better help when there's when your mental health is unsure. You know what it's like. Ever been driving a car and one of the tires is shaking? Well, sometimes that kind of stuff is happening in your brain or in your emotions or in your attitude. Just notice when you got that, when you got a bad wheel on your carriage, baby, on your brain carriage. When you got that baby wheel on there and that thing's shaking, buddy, rattling. Leaves your whole brain rattling. If your, if your brain or your feelings or how you're operating in your world are uncomfortable. Or they're not keeping your ride smooth. Well, BetterHelp can help. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

• 1:10:11Theo Von?

  It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist. And switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/ Theo today to get 10% off your first month. That's better H E L P, betterhelp.com/ T H E O. There are some things in life that are okay to be a total crap shoot like trying a new type of milk in your coffee or maybe trying a pasta sauce that you're not familiar with.

• 1:10:55Theo Von?

  But finding the right doctor shouldn't be a total crap shoot. And with Zocdoc, it's not because you've got more options than you know. Zocdoc, that's what I want to tell you about. It's a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in-network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty. From mental health to dental health, eye care to skincare and much more. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast.

• 1:11:39Theo Von?

  Typically, within just 24 to 72 hours of booking, you can even score same day appointments. Hooray, Zocdoc. I hate waiting for appointments, man, and I've used Zocdoc and it's helpful. So you should stop putting off your doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com/THEO to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z O C D O C dot com slash T H E O. Zocdoc dot com slash Theo. What did I see in the news? Oh, I saw, did you see that Mark Wahlberg restaurant?

• 1:12:19Speaker 01

  Wahlburgers?

• 1:12:20Theo Von?

  It burned down, though. He had a new restaurant.

• 1:12:23Speaker 01

  A fancy one?

• 1:12:24Theo Von?

  Uh, let me see. Mark Wahlberg's new restaurant in Las Vegas burns down opening day.

• 1:12:28Speaker 01

  Day.

• 1:12:29Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:12:30Speaker 03

  Mark Wahlberg was excited about today because he's supposed to open up his new restaurant, Fletcher Cantina.

• 1:12:36Speaker 01

  Fletcher.

• 1:12:37Speaker 03

  It went up in flames just hours ago. Check this out. This is Town Square and it's obviously fully involved with fire here. And we have gotten a ton of emails to the station inviting the cameras out because Mark Wahlberg was going to be there around 4:30 this afternoon.

• 1:12:50Speaker 01

  Oh, no. You can see the flames inside.

• 1:12:53Speaker 03

  They were going to get the oversized scissors out and welcome everyone in for the grand opening.

• 1:12:58Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:12:58Speaker 03

  So obviously that's not happening today.

• 1:13:01Speaker 01

  You think, you think, you think that's just a plate of fajitas that was sizzling too much? You think that got a little out of control? Do we know it's not just a really intense fajita? It is Fletcher Cantina after all.

• 1:13:19Theo Von?

  Go back and show that window right there. That does look.

• 1:13:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:23Theo Von?

  Like, and they spray that, that flavor on it, smoke or whatever?

• 1:13:27Speaker 01

  Like grease, we have, uh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:31Speaker 01

  Maybe a flambe. We do a saganaki, Greek people, the cheese you set on fire.

• 1:13:37Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:37Speaker 01

  Lot of different stuff it could be. I don't think we should draw conclusions right away.

• 1:13:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, that's crazy. I thought it was a burger shop he was doing, but that's wild.

• 1:13:45Speaker 01

  We had Wahlburgers. Fletcher.

• 1:13:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:47Speaker 01

  Doesn't sound, I gotta be honest, does not sound appealing. Fletcher. Sounds too much like flesh.

• 1:13:53Theo Von?

  Fletcher?

• 1:13:54Speaker 01

  Fletcher.

• 1:13:54Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm just a regular person, like, I'm going to Fletcher.

• 1:13:56Speaker 01

  Fletcher Cantina, no thanks.

• 1:13:58Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's kind of bizarre.

• 1:13:59Speaker 01

  Cantina I'm okay with.

• 1:14:00Theo Von?

  He's done some interesting things, you know, he had an alcohol, but then he said he didn't drink, and then he came out with a tequila, which I thought was kind of wild.

• 1:14:06Speaker 01

  Interesting, interesting. What do you think that's about?

• 1:14:09Theo Von?

  I don't know. I think it was just when, when, when, like, celebrities were coming out with tequilas.

• 1:14:12Speaker 01

  It was purely a business move.

• 1:14:13Theo Von?

  Yeah, like when George Clooney came out with one. Dude, one time I was in Toronto, I'm sitting there, it's like probably 12:30 or something, you know, AM, just sitting on my computer in the lobby, dude. Um, hoping to meet my wife or whatever.

• 1:14:24Speaker 01

  In the lobby?

• 1:14:25Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:26Speaker 01

  At 12:30 on your computer?

• 1:14:28Theo Von?

  Desperate for attention. Probably. I don't know.

• 1:14:31Speaker 01

  That's fucking awesome.

• 1:14:32Theo Von?

  I can't remember why.

• 1:14:33Speaker 01

  After a show, you're just there?

• 1:14:35Theo Von?

  I think I was doing shows, yeah.

• 1:14:36Speaker 01

  Gotcha.

• 1:14:37Theo Von?

  So I was just hanging out. Um, because, yeah, it's funny, after shows, you don't want to go to, like, bars and shit.

• 1:14:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:43Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's like you go to a bar, you're gonna see a lot of people from the show, sometimes it can be overwhelming.

• 1:14:46Speaker 01

  Definitely.

• 1:14:47Theo Von?

  And then if I don't drink, it's hard to be there, so it's like, you don't, there's nowhere usually to go.

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  Sure. No, that's true.

• 1:14:52Theo Von?

  Restaurants are closed usually.

• 1:14:53Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:14:53Theo Von?

  So then you can go to, like, a gas station, sometimes ice cream, or your hotel.

• 1:14:58Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:15:00Theo Von?

  But I'm sitting in there and I feel something on my neck right here, and it's fucking Mark Wahlberg, dude.

• 1:15:04Speaker 01

  Pretending to have a gun?

• 1:15:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:07Theo Von?

  He's like, caught you slipping, you know, or however, you know.

• 1:15:10Speaker 01

  You have failed the, the keep it on you challenge, or lacking challenge.

• 1:15:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

• 1:15:16Speaker 01

  You failed the caught lacking challenge.

• 1:15:18Theo Von?

  It was like that.

• 1:15:18Speaker 01

  By Mark Wahlberg.

• 1:15:19Theo Von?

  I was like, look at this fucking Boondock saying out here. Was he in that movie?

• 1:15:22Speaker 01

  He was not.

• 1:15:23Theo Von?

  Oh, damn.

• 1:15:23Speaker 01

  He was not.

• 1:15:24Theo Von?

  No one of the jokes didn't land.

• 1:15:26Speaker 01

  But he does embody the spirit of the meanox saints.

• 1:15:29Theo Von?

  He thought he was in it.

• 1:15:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:32Theo Von?

  He thought he was in it. But I said that and then he invited me the next day to his tequila opening. He was actually really nice. He had a nice group of friends, really chill.

• 1:15:39Speaker 01

  He seems nice, but it's also like that level of fame where people start to go insane in a like polite way. Like a guy like it doesn't seem sinister, but it's insane to wake up at three in the morning to work out.

• 1:15:52Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:53Speaker 01

  And play golf and like it's just crazy and like.

• 1:15:56Theo Von?

  Three fifteen, yeah.

• 1:15:57Speaker 01

  Go to ma- three fifteen, wake up, pray for one hour. I mean, I know, you know, whatever this, I don't know if he's, yeah, two thirty. I mean, that's not a time to wake up.

• 1:16:05Theo Von?

  Two thirty AM, wake up, two forty-five AM crypto prayer.

• 1:16:11Theo Von?

  Three fifteen breakfast, three forty to five fifteen workout.

• 1:16:14Speaker 01

  That's a long workout, respect.

• 1:16:17Theo Von?

  Post-workout meal, only two hours after breakfast. That's wild. Shower, he gets an hour and a half for shower.

• 1:16:25Speaker 01

  That can't be real, right?

• 1:16:27Theo Von?

  I have definitely taken some sad showers.

• 1:16:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's not when you're fucking, when you, when you're a regimented, like planning an hour and a half shower. You don't plan hour and a half showers. You're so fucked up that you take an hour and a half shower. I've taken some of those too, Theo. I'm not judging, but that's when I'm hungover as fuck and I'm like, should I just fucking do drugs at seven AM? Like that's like, you're spending forty-five minutes convincing yourself not to take pills. That's what those long showers are, man. They're not thinking about the Lord and my fucking bicep curls.

• 1:17:01Theo Von?

  I'm so high, I should go in the shower.

• 1:17:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe if I'm in the shower, I won't purchase a prostitute. That's what that shower, maybe if my hands are wet, I can't fucking use my phone. So I won't fucking buy pussy and hate myself the second I nut. That's what that shower's about. That shower is not reflecting on your three fifteen AM breakfast.

• 1:17:27Theo Von?

  And look, we're cross promoting our own lives here with yours, Mark.

• 1:17:31Speaker 01

  We're not talking about my, but this is from ours. This is about, we're, we're putting a little of the personal into this riff.

• 1:17:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah. It's just gotta be wop. But you open a restaurant, dude. Opening day and that thing cooks.

• 1:17:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's crazy.

• 1:17:49Theo Von?

  But that, you know, I think, um, I'm trying to think of anything good burnt down by us when I was growing up.

• 1:17:54Speaker 01

  Ooh, any good fires?

• 1:17:56Theo Von?

  I don't know if we had it.

• 1:17:56Speaker 01

  I only have hate crimes in my neighborhood, which are not fun to talk about. Just idiots that didn't understand that Indian people weren't, like after nine 11, some fucking idiot in Baltimore.

• 1:18:08Theo Von?

  Indian person? Yeah.

• 1:18:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, they just burnt, just a guy, a Sikh guy who wore a turban. He's like, he's Osama bin Laden, so I'm gonna fucking burn down his fucking mini mart.

• 1:18:18Theo Von?

  You're like, that's fucking, that guy's a librarian.

• 1:18:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:22Theo Von?

  That guy runs a 7-Eleven, the library in the middle of it.

• 1:18:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, literally. He was like a fucking nice guy.

• 1:18:28Theo Von?

  Um, I just went to a nice Indian restaurant here the other day called, um, uh, Bungalow.

• 1:18:34Speaker 01

  Nice. I love that. I like a nice Indian. Yeah, there it is.

• 1:18:37Theo Von?

  This Indian, oh, uh, Vikas, Vikas is the chef there.

• 1:18:41Speaker 01

  Vikas.

• 1:18:42Theo Von?

  Dude, he let us sit at the chef's table. They put a little table.

• 1:18:45Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 1:18:45Theo Von?

  Right by the kitchen. It was, it's fancy, but it's not crazy fancy. Um, I gotta get this guy on the podcast. It was just fascinating to like, uh, eat Indian food, learn like just about some of the energy and why they have certain things. It was fu-

• 1:18:59Speaker 01

  That looks awesome. I'll check it out.

• 1:19:00Theo Von?

  Ton of Indian people, and he said a lot of Indian people don't go out to dinner because a lot of them cook at home.

• 1:19:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:06Theo Von?

  And they always want, they always believe their cooking is better than other places.

• 1:19:09Speaker 01

  I get that. I understand that. I mean, they're-

• 1:19:11Theo Von?

  I do not believe that at my place.

• 1:19:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what's your, the traditional?

• 1:19:17Theo Von?

  Quesadilla smoothie.

• 1:19:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. A Slim Jim quesadilla.

• 1:19:21Speaker 01

  That's what you grew up on. And nobody can make these better than my mom.

• 1:19:27Speaker 01

  Owl meat fried rice.

• 1:19:31Theo Von?

  A little bit of squab in there.

• 1:19:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:19:34Theo Von?

  From the holidays.

• 1:19:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, maybe a nice, maybe a nice possum rib roast.

• 1:19:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, a little bit of peyjon, we call it, huh? A little bit of fucking sidewalk oysters.

• 1:19:46Theo Von?

  You know what I'm talking about. Um, what were we just talking about?

• 1:19:49Speaker 01

  Uh, the Indian people will not go out to eat.

• 1:19:52Theo Von?

  Right, but that restaurant was really great, man. Went there, that was kinda cool.

• 1:19:54Speaker 01

  I love that. I went, I was in England, I was in London and I had Indian food and it was so incredible.

• 1:20:00Theo Von?

  Yeah, they're there.

• 1:20:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, you know, that's the one upside to the fucking, the British Empire. It's like if they-

• 1:20:06Theo Von?

  They brought Indian food along.

• 1:20:07Speaker 01

  If they fucked up India, the least I can do is go enjoy a nice meal.

• 1:20:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:11Speaker 01

  As a result. You know, they're there either way.

• 1:20:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:14Speaker 01

  So, but it was good as fuck. It was, uh-

• 1:20:17Theo Von?

  You'd be a good Indian, I think.

• 1:20:18Speaker 01

  Thank you, man. Yeah. Thank you, I appreciate that.

• 1:20:21Theo Von?

  A hundred percent, man.

• 1:20:22Speaker 01

  Yeah. Uh, I've got some Buddha qualities.

• 1:20:26Theo Von?

  I just think, um, yeah, they would herald you.

• 1:20:32Speaker 01

  Well, they do respect the cow. So I have a bull, kind of like a bull.

• 1:20:36Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think they would just, yes.

• 1:20:38Speaker 01

  I have kind of like a bull.

• 1:20:39Theo Von?

  You could like an Indian sumo wrestler.

• 1:20:40Speaker 01

  I would love that. We could start that.

• 1:20:43Theo Von?

  That could be one of your, another movie. It's like you go to India to be the first Indian sumo wrestler. Put you in some semi-off brown face.

• 1:20:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know about that. I don't know that we're, yeah, maybe I'll just get a nice tan.

• 1:20:52Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 1:20:53Speaker 01

  I could, I can get pretty crispy, dude.

• 1:20:55Theo Von?

  Can you?

• 1:20:55Speaker 01

  Greek Mediterranean blood, you know, maybe that's it. Maybe that's what happens. I get such a tan that someone mistakes me for an Indian.

• 1:21:03Theo Von?

  Signs you up.

• 1:21:04Speaker 01

  Signs me up to be the first Indian sumo wrestler. And there we go. India's first female sumo wrestler defying odds and empowering women.

• 1:21:12Theo Von?

  Hetal Dave is her name. Hetal-

• 1:21:14Speaker 01

  Shout out to Hetal.

• 1:21:15Theo Von?

  Hetal Dave's journey in sumo wrestling is not just about personal triumph, it's about rewriting what's possible for women in India.

• 1:21:21Speaker 01

  Love that. Push him around, Hetal.

• 1:21:23Speaker 04

  Love interest?

• 1:21:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I could, I could smash an Indian, uh, an Indian sumo wrestling woman. No problem.

• 1:21:29Theo Von?

  That's love, dude.

• 1:21:30Speaker 01

  That's love, absolutely. I can't really tell. I'm gonna say yes. I'm gonna give it a, a hesitant yes from that picture-

• 1:21:39Theo Von?

  Some say love.

• 1:21:40Speaker 01

  That I would smash.

• 1:21:40Speaker 04

  I meant for the movie, that she could be your-

• 1:21:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I'm saying, you know, I wanna do it for real.

• 1:21:44Theo Von?

  Let's see what happens, huh?

• 1:21:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, let's see what kind of sparks fly on set.

• 1:21:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. That's all it is, dude, you know?

• 1:21:51Speaker 01

  You think of romance maybe as possible between you and Spade? Maybe you guys just have like a, come, become gay later in life?

• 1:21:57Theo Von?

  No, there's a gay, uh- There's, I think Tim Dillon might be in it.

• 1:22:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:22:03Theo Von?

  Small part or just.

• 1:22:04Speaker 01

  Who you think sucks who off then?

• 1:22:06Theo Von?

  Not it.

• 1:22:10Theo Von?

  TBD, bro. To be David.

• 1:22:18Theo Von?

  TBD to be Dave.

• 1:22:23Theo Von?

  So we'll see what God wants out of those guys.

• 1:22:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, I can see Tim doing that, pulling it off.

• 1:22:29Theo Von?

  What about the election over there happen, man? Did people go crazy out here in New York? Did you feel any of that energy?

• 1:22:34Speaker 01

  I, where was I?

• 1:22:35Theo Von?

  I just felt so glad that it's over.

• 1:22:36Speaker 01

  I was filming.

• 1:22:39Theo Von?

  You were in Philly taping?

• 1:22:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were taping, we were doing tires.

• 1:22:41Theo Von?

  You were doing tires, right? How exciting is that too?

• 1:22:44Speaker 01

  Tires fucking rules, yeah, I mean.

• 1:22:46Theo Von?

  What's it like between second season and the first season? Is the set different? Cause it.

• 1:22:50Speaker 01

  Set's not different.

• 1:22:51Theo Von?

  Same.

• 1:22:51Speaker 01

  But we, yeah, we're in the same spot and

• 1:22:56Speaker 01

  it's, I think it's gonna be fucking great. I mean, the first season, I didn't even know, when I agreed to do it, I thought it was going on YouTube.

• 1:23:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:04Speaker 01

  Like, it was like Shane texted me, there was no like agents involved, there was nothing. He was like, hey, we're doing this thing. They didn't have scripts, we were kind of writing shit as we were going. Like, I was supposed to have a small part and we just had like so much fun doing it. They kept like adding, it was like so fun and we felt like we're just making a fun web series. You know what I mean? Like, uh, cause I loved Gillian Keeves was so fucking funny. Their sketches were so good and, and I almost was in one and then it like fell through. And so I just wanted a chance to work with those guys. So then Shane hit me up, I was like, I don't need to know shit, let's just fucking do it. And it's insane that this thing that we did in, honestly dude, we did in a few weeks? And then we did like a couple of days of reshoots and it was a fucking show that was top 10 on Netflix for like two weeks. It's insane.

• 1:23:48Theo Von?

  My mom liked it.

• 1:23:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, and so I think, I mean, we've been shooting from. I think we started in October and we end in the middle of December. And so it's, you know, much more time. They actually had a real writers room. They went over the scripts. We have, I don't want to, you know, I'm the least important. I don't want to give away too much, but there's like a bunch of cool actors in it.

• 1:24:10Theo Von?

  You play the brother, right?

• 1:24:11Speaker 01

  I play, I'm basically like their, uh, I'm basically like.

• 1:24:16Theo Von?

  Are the dad, the other manager?

• 1:24:17Speaker 01

  No, no, I'm the, I'm the guy who's not in the family, basically. I'm the guy who's like, it's like a family tire shop and I'm like the kind of middle manager, GM.

• 1:24:24Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 1:24:25Speaker 01

  Who's just kind of in the middle of it. You can't tell if I'm good at my job or not.

• 1:24:29Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:29Speaker 01

  Just kind of a pig. Again, pretty hard role. A horny idiot. It was really hard for me to get into, into the character. But it's gonna be fucking good, man. I mean, and those guys are great. I mean.

• 1:24:42Theo Von?

  Is it shot on sticks or is it shot like, uh, The Office? I've seen it. It's just been probably four months.

• 1:24:47Speaker 01

  Both. I mean, it depends, but it's mostly, I would say it's mostly handheld. They have some, some, you know, steady shots, but no, it's, we have, the whole crew is fucking awesome.

• 1:24:58Theo Von?

  Oh, it's so much fun. And that girl in it is so good.

• 1:25:00Speaker 01

  Kyla crushes it. Well, that's, that's what's awesome about like, you gotta love Shane cause he legit brought his friends along.

• 1:25:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:08Speaker 01

  In like a very Sandler way, but the second he could, like Steve Gerben, who is, you know.

• 1:25:13Theo Von?

  So good.

• 1:25:14Speaker 01

  He's the man, he's the lead, but it's like, they did open mics together. You know what I mean? Like, uh, that whole crew, Kyle, the same thing. And, and McKeever, who directs it, is so fucking good. He's such a great director. Shane's a great actor and it's, it's awesome. It's just great to see that kind of shit. And that, that's part of.

• 1:25:31Theo Von?

  Funny shit.

• 1:25:32Speaker 01

  And it's again, and.

• 1:25:33Theo Von?

  People saying queers, people fixing tires.

• 1:25:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Well, he's.

• 1:25:37Theo Von?

  This country was founded on.

• 1:25:38Speaker 01

  Right, right, right, right. Misogynist fixing tires.

• 1:25:43Theo Von?

  Yes. You're gonna have to deal with a little bit of misogyny, but we're gonna get you back out on the road.

• 1:25:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like, you know, you want the chassis tightened up or not?

• 1:25:53Theo Von?

  That's been the story of our, of history.

• 1:25:58Speaker 01

  But yeah, I mean, it's a if you're setting us some shit in a tire shop. That's how those motherfuckers behave.

• 1:26:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:04Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Like, you gotta be realistic about it.

• 1:26:07Theo Von?

  Like a trans male swimmer in there or something?

• 1:26:10Speaker 01

  Oh, that would be, yeah.

• 1:26:12Theo Von?

  We need these better tires.

• 1:26:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, that would be good.

• 1:26:14Theo Von?

  These tires ain't tire enough.

• 1:26:16Speaker 01

  On the way to the, maybe, maybe on the way to the meet.

• 1:26:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:19Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? Bring them in, see, get the fellas.

• 1:26:22Theo Von?

  Reginald has a magic tire.

• 1:26:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:25Theo Von?

  You're like, what the fuck is happening? No, you need a fucking, all people want is just art to reflect life, man.

• 1:26:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:33Theo Von?

  Let's be realistic.

• 1:26:33Speaker 01

  And if your thing is set in a tire shop.

• 1:26:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:36Speaker 01

  That's how those guys have to behave.

• 1:26:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:38Speaker 01

  I'll watch the trans swimmer show.

• 1:26:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:40Speaker 01

  That's fun. And they can go do, you know, they can fucking talk the way they actually talk. And if you have tire guys, talk the way they talk.

• 1:26:47Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's what you just need is, I think that's, people just want the reality of stuff.

• 1:26:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:26:53Theo Von?

  I agree.

• 1:26:54Speaker 01

  And those guys are funny as shit. My dad's a contractor. Those guys are hilarious. Growing up around these fucking morons, they're stupid as shit. And they, they, they, they rag on each other so much.

• 1:27:06Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:27:06Speaker 01

  It's fucking awesome.

• 1:27:07Theo Von?

  It's great.

• 1:27:08Speaker 01

  And the office was set in an office and yeah, you can't really say wild shit in an office. So it can be a little bit more mainstream, but if you're gonna do some shit in a tire, in a family owned tire shop.

• 1:27:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:18Speaker 01

  It's like, anything goes there.

• 1:27:21Theo Von?

  We're talking, yeah, that is the Wild West.

• 1:27:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely. A family owned like.

• 1:27:26Theo Von?

  That's the Gaza Strip of fucking humanity.

• 1:27:29Speaker 01

  There's no oversight.

• 1:27:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:30Speaker 01

  There's no oversight, no matter what, no matter how many reports the UN writes. You're not stopping that. You're not stopping the fucking family owned tire shop from saying racist shit. You just, you can't do it. It's, that's how it goes. Same thing with diners. I mean.

• 1:27:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:46Speaker 01

  You can't, I would not, don't let, don't let a teenager work in a Greek diner. Okay? Just don't do it. You're gonna, don't let, don't let the hostess work for some guy. The evil variant of me from a different universe that has same hair, open black polo. You know what I mean? You don't want him fucking, you don't want him sexually harassing the hostess. You know what I mean?

• 1:28:09Theo Von?

  No, well, I just, as long as the guy who's making my food has, has a, like a thing of toilet paper stuffed up one of his nostrils. I don't give a fuck.

• 1:28:18Speaker 01

  As long as one of the line cooks is going through active withdrawals.

• 1:28:24Theo Von?

  Hey, you want your eggs scrambled? Just by his hand, just holding there with a spatula?

• 1:28:29Speaker 01

  Greek restaurant, same thing. Look, there might be some chest hair on your lamb chops, but it's gonna be the best lamb chop you've ever had in your life. You really wanna get the fucking food safety people involved in this? You wanna bland hairless lamb chop? Be my guest.

• 1:28:44Theo Von?

  God lamb, huh? The pussy of beef.

• 1:28:50Speaker 01

  I agree, gamey.

• 1:28:51Theo Von?

  It really is kinda, you know?

• 1:28:53Speaker 01

  It's good as fuck.

• 1:28:54Theo Von?

  You're like, what part of the lamb is this?

• 1:28:56Speaker 01

  This is good, dude. Oh, I love a nice fucking lamb chop.

• 1:28:59Theo Von?

  How, um, how does it feel? You're kind of, you've become a staple of your favorite football team. How does that kinda feel every time?

• 1:29:04Speaker 01

  That's awesome. I love the Ravens. It's fucking sick. Uh, and I have a show, I have a show at the Lyric, uh, which is, I did it last year. I did a bunch of shows this year. I'm doing a couple for the holidays. It's fucking nuts to go to your fa- the team you grew up rooting for. And it's like, they fucking put me on the jumbotron, dude. You get a big pop. I got to fucking, yeah, you get to, I got to meet players. I get to meet this guy.

• 1:29:28Theo Von?

  What player is that?

• 1:29:29Speaker 01

  That's real fan Dan.

• 1:29:30Theo Von?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:29:31Speaker 01

  Who is, uh, yeah. He does the R A V E N E S dance.

• 1:29:36Theo Von?

  He gets it going?

• 1:29:36Speaker 01

  He gets it going. He's got some, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would, yeah, the chaperone version.

• 1:29:42Theo Von?

  Chapel Raven, dude.

• 1:29:43Speaker 01

  Chapel Raven, that's me, dude.

• 1:29:46Speaker 01

  And yeah, they put, this is on the Ravens Instagram account. The official Ravens Instagram account. Let me put on fucking a helmet.

• 1:29:55Theo Von?

  You gotta rip a dart on there next time.

• 1:29:58Speaker 01

  They wouldn't let me, they wouldn't let me, uh, mention guns.

• 1:30:02Theo Von?

  Or Suboxone.

• 1:30:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:05Theo Von?

  Which is crazy. Also, Suboxone Wilson is a player there too, which is.

• 1:30:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, great on the edge. Great on the edge.

• 1:30:14Theo Von?

  Not allowed, dude. Bro, the Saints have, um, the Saint, the, someone keeps tweeting about the, the Pope keeps accidentally tweeting about the New Orleans Saints, dude. Can you see, you can find that?

• 1:30:25Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:30:26Speaker 01

  That's fucking awesome. Were you, you were a, are you an LSU guy? Are you a, uh?

• 1:30:32Theo Von?

  Here's who I like. I'm a Saints guy, but they've been under, under delivering for the past few years.

• 1:30:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:37Theo Von?

  And that's been, um, Pope Francis keeps accidentally tweeting about the New Orleans Saints. So, that's where we are.

• 1:30:43Speaker 01

  Hashtag Saints are formed by the Beatitudes. Poor, meek, merciful, hungering and thirsting for justice seeking peace.

• 1:30:50Theo Von?

  Okay, yeah. See, they have some issues with the refs.

• 1:30:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:53Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think the Saint, uh, the post went up before the Saints lost to the lowly Carolina Panthers marking their 73th defeat.

• 1:30:59Speaker 01

  God is not on your side.

• 1:31:01Speaker 05

  They took it out, but in the actual tweet, it was showing the Saints logo every time he hashtags Saints.

• 1:31:11Theo Von?

  Wow. And there he is right there. Thank you for your prayers, Pontiff. We need them.

• 1:31:17Theo Von?

  What?

• 1:31:18Speaker 01

  Interesting. But that, now does that prove, there it is, does that prove the Catholic God is not real? Cause a tweet from Pope Francis doesn't even get you to beat the fucking Panthers?

• 1:31:28Theo Von?

  That's a good point.

• 1:31:29Speaker 01

  I'd like to see, you know, a Muslim guy tweet about you. I'd like to, this is a good way to see who wins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is how we can tell who's right.

• 1:31:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:37Speaker 01

  Each religion tweets about the New Orleans Saints.

• 1:31:40Theo Von?

  Tweeters, start your fingers. And they rattle off?

• 1:31:44Speaker 01

  And they rattle off. We get to see.

• 1:31:45Theo Von?

  Who really gets?

• 1:31:46Speaker 01

  Is it Islam? Is it Judaism? Yeah, Buddhism?

• 1:31:49Theo Von?

  Get a shot.

• 1:31:49Speaker 01

  They all get a shot.

• 1:31:50Theo Von?

  Wiccan?

• 1:31:50Speaker 01

  Catholicism, Wiccan, yeah. Get some fucking fat bitches with black lipstick.

• 1:31:56Speaker 01

  To put a curse on your opponent.

• 1:32:00Speaker 01

  Tear out a Raven's heart.

• 1:32:01Theo Von?

  Oh dude, one time I was walking on the beach in like Destin, Florida at night and we're like, we're kids and we got to go to the beach. And I met this girl out there, pretty Reuben-esque girl, you know? And so she's like, I want you to hold me in the water or whatever. And it was like, I'd hidden like a bottle of wine and I told him someone in the sand earlier in the day.

• 1:32:20Theo Von?

  So I'm out there literally digging in the fucking sand by myself under like probably pretty decent moonlight, right?

• 1:32:26Speaker 01

  Sure, sure.

• 1:32:27Theo Von?

  Fucking digging in there and uh like I'm one of those like like watching the grunion run or whatever, like I'm a pregnant turtle.

• 1:32:34Speaker 01

  Trying to see how many of your babies make it to sea.

• 1:32:36Theo Von?

  Yeah, literally, I'm just looking for a bottle of zen fidel, putting my hand in and uh then she came up and we had a couple sips of we were talking and stuff and she's like, I want you to hold me in the water. So then we're out in the fucking water, dude.

• 1:32:49Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 1:32:49Theo Von?

  Kissing is fucking ridiculous.

• 1:32:51Speaker 01

  Was she any wiccan?

• 1:32:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, and she was a wiccan, yeah.

• 1:32:53Speaker 01

  Interesting, interesting. Did she do any chants or enchantments to you?

• 1:32:58Theo Von?

  No, she just said some stuff. She didn't believe in this and that and she was wiccan.

• 1:33:02Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 1:33:03Theo Von?

  And that she had to be pregnant by a certain time or whatever.

• 1:33:05Speaker 01

  And you didn't oblige. You're like, I'm out. You want this white tail or not?

• 1:33:10Theo Von?

  I was like, this zen fidel is gotta fucking go, fidel.

• 1:33:18Speaker 01

  Did you, did you encounter any like, cause I, I think about like New Orleans, it is, they have some spooky, some spooky shit. Any witches, any like voodoo shit? Did you ever encounter any of that stuff?

• 1:33:29Theo Von?

  I stole money one time off of an altar there and I, and my life was bad for like seven months and then, swear to God.

• 1:33:36Speaker 01

  I believe you, dude.

• 1:33:38Theo Von?

  Here was the crazy part. I stole the money and then you use the money to buy peanut butter M and M's, right?

• 1:33:46Speaker 01

  Hexed for peanut butter M and M's.

• 1:33:48Theo Von?

  And so that was horrible and I finally, and I, I was on the road for a while and then I finally got back home and I put them, I went and put twice as much money back.

• 1:33:54Speaker 01

  And it was all good after that?

• 1:33:55Theo Von?

  Well, we grew up, there was a lot of pro, like uh there was like uh snake fucking Protestants, you know?

• 1:34:00Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Now, hold on, what, what kind of altar and where was this altar?

• 1:34:05Theo Von?

  This was in the French Quarter, outside, like on the edge of the French Quarter.

• 1:34:07Speaker 01

  Gotcha. And it was just kinda out there?

• 1:34:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, they just had a thing put together and...

• 1:34:12Speaker 01

  It's interesting how many different, cause Greek people have like, when somebody, we have like the, kinda like a little altar for like your past loved ones. And if you think about it, it is, even though we're Greek Orthodox, that's so clearly like a, a pagan ritual. You put a little altar for the, for the deceased. That's not like Christianity anywhere. It's just, you know?

• 1:34:31Theo Von?

  But I wonder, well, I wonder if we should spend more time communicating with the deceased, you know, like helping relieve, you know, or is there anything that they need to tell us? It's like, we're just like fucking be, you know, like, once they clock out, we're like, you are off the fucking.

• 1:34:45Speaker 01

  We're going to Mangiano's, having some pasta in your memory and that's it.

• 1:34:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, they just like, cause the Mexicans do that every year. They let the bet, you know, they let all the, you know.

• 1:34:55Speaker 01

  Let them out for one, one last fiesta.

• 1:34:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, like on MS 31st or whatever. Halloween night, they let all of like the family members come back, you know?

• 1:35:04Speaker 01

  You ever see Coco, the movie about that?

• 1:35:06Theo Von?

  Uh, yeah, I think Joey Diaz is, oh no, that's something.

• 1:35:12Theo Von?

  I thought he was in it.

• 1:35:15Speaker 01

  That's awesome.

• 1:35:16Theo Von?

  Fucking tremendous.

• 1:35:16Speaker 01

  You gotta deal with your generational trauma, you cocksucker.

• 1:35:22Speaker 01

  Stop depending on your grandfather to say to turn your life around.

• 1:35:26Theo Von?

  I think I did try to watch this on a plane or whatever.

• 1:35:29Speaker 01

  Legitimately destroyed me when I saw it. What happened was, so me and my brothers, um, we had a tradition where we would, uh, take some kind of hallucinogenic, whatever big like, uh, uh, Hollywood release was out that, you know, like a big fun action movie. Or like, like star, the first, the, the first time we did it was the new Star Wars prequels where it was like, we didn't give a fuck about Star Wars that much, but,

• 1:35:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:54Speaker 01

  it takes some fucking acid. You watch Star Wars.

• 1:35:56Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:35:56Speaker 01

  It's gonna be fucking awesome. So we would do that on Christmas or around Christmas.

• 1:36:00Theo Von?

  Your stepfather.

• 1:36:02Speaker 01

  You really, you really will actually. It did cause some issues.

• 1:36:08Theo Von?

  Surprise attack with a catalytic converter out there. Well, fuck.

• 1:36:13Speaker 01

  So, yeah, we did that. And then one year we were gonna, it was Aquaman was coming out.

• 1:36:17Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:36:18Speaker 01

  Forgot to buy fucking tickets ahead of time. We thought for sure there's no way, you know, Aquaman's gonna be sold out. And then we forget, so it's sold out. We get there. I'm already on acid.

• 1:36:28Theo Von?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:36:28Speaker 01

  And we're like, all right, let's just get back to the house ASAP. We're all fucking on acid. We didn't have, we couldn't. So then my brother's like, um, Coco is pretty like colorful. This could be fun. Dude, it's a story all about family death. Like my best friend's mom had just died. We were like, it's a story all about like family.

• 1:36:50Speaker 01

  And dude, I'm just tripping my nuts off, just sobbing and being like, dude, I thought I was gonna watch Jason Momoa fight a fucking punch of fish in the head. And now I'm thinking about my dead grandparents and if they're proud of me or not.

• 1:37:07Speaker 01

  It was so fucked up, dude. And then my brother, I was like sobbing so much afterwards. My brother's like, all right, man. And he just put on Thor Ragnarok for me to just fucking calm down. He's like, like I was a fucking baby.

• 1:37:21Speaker 01

  Here's your fucking dumb movie. Cause I would watch that on acid a bunch. That was a fun thing I would do.

• 1:37:26Theo Von?

  Wendy Weatherfoot on fuck on YouTube.

• 1:37:28Speaker 01

  He puts on softcore pornography with huge titted women. He's like, here you go, buddy. Your favorite stuff.

• 1:37:34Theo Von?

  Weatherfoot is a children's.

• 1:37:36Speaker 01

  No, sorry. I was just thinking. I don't know what Wendy Weatherfoot is. I was just going into stuff I liked.

• 1:37:43Theo Von?

  Yeah. Wendy Weatherfoot is a nature based animation series on YouTube. If you like children in nature, you might like.

• 1:37:53Speaker 01

  Right. That would have been a better thing to calm me down.

• 1:37:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:56Speaker 01

  But yeah, it was fucked up how much cocoa on acid when I was not emotionally ready to deal with it. How fucking destroyed me, dude. Destroyed me. But you know.

• 1:38:06Theo Von?

  Acid is just such a wild thing that they make.

• 1:38:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:38:09Theo Von?

  Cause first you're like, you're telling me this little bitty square of paper.

• 1:38:13Speaker 01

  Isn't gonna do shit.

• 1:38:13Theo Von?

  Is gonna remodel the way I. Experience the world.

• 1:38:18Speaker 01

  Completely fucked my brain up.

• 1:38:20Theo Von?

  Is gonna make me hide behind the car in your yard.

• 1:38:26Theo Von?

  And cry about how your parents met each other?

• 1:38:32Theo Von?

  I don't know, guys.

• 1:38:33Speaker 01

  Same thing. Last, the last one we did was Avatar. And I literally was fucking crying at that too. But that was a more like, the movie was affecting me. I was like, oh, fuck dude. The fucking little guy's gonna die. I was fucking crying and like moments before I was laughing at what a stupid movie it was. And then they kill a character. I'm like, oh, he's fucking dead, bro. My brothers were just laughing at me. They weren't as fucked up.

• 1:39:00Theo Von?

  Just the attendant is just shining a flash right in your eyes. You give him your license. That's when you're fucked up at the movies.

• 1:39:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:39:07Theo Von?

  You give him your.

• 1:39:09Theo Von?

  You hand the guy your driver's license. Just shining a light on you. Dude, I've been watching all those like around the holidays. I'll start watching a lot of those military people come home videos.

• 1:39:21Speaker 01

  Oh, that's that'll fucking do it to you for sure.

• 1:39:24Theo Von?

  Surprise at the school.

• 1:39:25Speaker 01

  While we look for that one more time I was on acid at the movies.

• 1:39:30Speaker 01

  I was the people in the theater thought I was a special needs because I was like.

• 1:39:35Theo Von?

  What was it? What gave it or what gave them the impression?

• 1:39:37Speaker 01

  I was again on, I was actually on mushrooms and acid at the time. And it was a packed one and you know, you, you familiar with Babu Frick? He's a little Star Wars guy. He's a little Star Wars Muppet.

• 1:39:48Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 1:39:49Speaker 01

  And every time Babu Frick would come on, I would be like, yeah, I would be so happy.

• 1:39:54Theo Von?

  Oh, you loved him?

• 1:39:55Speaker 01

  Cause I was so on acid. I was so, that I had kind of returned to being a fucking baby. And so he was just a cute little Muppet guy. And every time he'd come on, I'd be like, yeah. Babu Frick.

• 1:40:08Speaker 01

  I couldn't stop laughing and people were mad and they looked at me and then I saw, I saw them be like, like their faces softened.

• 1:40:18Theo Von?

  They're like, oh, this guy's special needs.

• 1:40:20Speaker 01

  There's like, there's no way. They thought I was like some teenager. They just looked around. It's like, there's no way a man this old and fat is not special needs if he's reacting to Babu Frick this way. And then, and they looked at my brother. My brother was like, sorry. And they were like, oh no.

• 1:40:36Theo Von?

  Oh, it's fine.

• 1:40:40Theo Von?

  Dude, I uh, I don't even know what to say now.

• 1:40:45Speaker 01

  Some memorable acid. You're not an acid on movies.

• 1:40:48Theo Von?

  Oh, me and my buddy, well, I've told this story recently. It's just one that I remember, but we uh, we went to the Waffle House in our town, right?

• 1:40:55Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 1:40:55Theo Von?

  And we got there at like four 30 in the morning and there was a gay, uh, or there was a homosexual urban male in there waiter, right? We'd never seen a gay black guy, right?

• 1:41:06Speaker 01

  Wow. How old were you?

• 1:41:08Theo Von?

  We were probably 14, right?

• 1:41:09Speaker 01

  Okay. That's big.

• 1:41:11Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was big, dude. We're very excited.

• 1:41:13Speaker 01

  That's some of the funnest, that's one of the funnest type of guys in the world.

• 1:41:16Theo Von?

  Oh, we're so high, dude.

• 1:41:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:41:18Theo Von?

  And we're so, we're so high that all we can do is fucking laugh.

• 1:41:20Speaker 01

  On hallucinogenics or just weed?

• 1:41:22Theo Von?

  Taking some LSD.

• 1:41:23Speaker 01

  Cool.

• 1:41:24Theo Von?

  And so we went there because it was open. It's the only place that had lights out where you could be somewhere and be young and not have to, as long as you were buying food, you had a

• 1:41:31Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:41:31Theo Von?

  legal reason to be there.

• 1:41:33Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 1:41:33Theo Von?

  I'm legally here for breakfast, right?

• 1:41:36Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 1:41:36Theo Von?

  Well, we started laughing so hard.

• 1:41:38Speaker 01

  May I use the hash browns defense? I'd like to enter the Hatch Brown's defense.

• 1:41:45Speaker 01

  Sorry, go ahead.

• 1:41:46Theo Von?

  No, it's a.

• 1:41:47Speaker 01

  So you guys are fucked up?

• 1:41:48Theo Von?

  Oh, and we're so fucked up. My buddy starts laughing so hard and starts fucking choking. He's laughing so hard. The guy, the waiter starts giving him the fucking.

• 1:41:57Speaker 01

  Heimlich.

• 1:41:58Theo Von?

  Heimlich maneuver, dude. So there's a, bro, I laughed. I fuck my.

• 1:42:03Speaker 01

  That's, I mean, that would destroy me.

• 1:42:05Theo Von?

  My body was coming out of my fucking body, dude. I was doing like this. I was like, and my buddy's just getting fucking remodeled by his breakfast brother, dude. Just fucking reshaping him, bro. Smothered him fucking chunk.

• 1:42:21Speaker 01

  Gay guy are we talking? Does he have like eyeliner on?

• 1:42:23Theo Von?

  Strong.

• 1:42:23Speaker 01

  Small but strong. Yeah.

• 1:42:25Theo Von?

  Small but strong, like, um.

• 1:42:27Speaker 01

  Just posture and the way he talks?

• 1:42:29Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 1:42:29Speaker 01

  What do you mean? Go for your shifty.

• 1:42:32Theo Von?

  Had flair on.

• 1:42:33Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 1:42:33Theo Von?

  But didn't need to have it on.

• 1:42:35Speaker 01

  Right, right. That's not mandated by.

• 1:42:37Theo Von?

  He had so much on, you almost thought he was like one of those people that blows up the balloons or whatever. You're like, what is this guy?

• 1:42:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. He's selling them.

• 1:42:43Theo Von?

  He's like. Blow up some breakfast.

• 1:42:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's being fun.

• 1:42:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:48Speaker 01

  Love that.

• 1:42:48Theo Von?

  Great attitude, great guy.

• 1:42:50Speaker 01

  Great attitude, saved your friend's life.

• 1:42:51Theo Von?

  Yeah. I went to SNL the other night, too. That was pretty cool.

• 1:42:54Speaker 01

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 1:42:55Theo Von?

  Saw Burr.

• 1:42:55Speaker 01

  Fuck, yes, dude. That was awesome.

• 1:42:57Theo Von?

  It was cool. Just to be there. You ever, you ever been there?

• 1:42:59Speaker 01

  I've never been there, no. I want to go and I have, I mean, I have friends who are on the show now and like, it would be cool to go, but I just, you know, always traveling, never hear, Saturday. It's a hard night to, to be.

• 1:43:11Theo Von?

  They'll probably ask you to do it this year, I bet.

• 1:43:12Speaker 01

  No, I don't think so. I'd love to, but.

• 1:43:15Theo Von?

  Would you?

• 1:43:15Speaker 01

  I would absolutely love to. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to fuck, you know, it seems like, cause I have friends who are on the show and it's like, seems like a hard job. That's the thing. We're as, as much, as stressful as it is to like, have to put out shit constantly and be touring, like, you're still your own boss. I can't imagine, as, that's a great, you know, that's a huge comedy show that people still watch, but you're somebody's fucking employee.

• 1:43:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:37Speaker 01

  I can't imagine doing that anymore, dude. Even if it's a cool fucking job, just being worried about my performance at work? I can't do that shit, dude. That's fucking crazy. But I would love to. It's a dream to host it.

• 1:43:50Theo Von?

  But if I, yeah, that's why I say like, I'm a, uh, I work for myself and I'm a hard person to work for.

• 1:43:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely. I'm my own boss and my boss is a fucking idiot.

• 1:44:03Theo Von?

  And my boss is an asshole too sometimes.

• 1:44:04Speaker 01

  Asshole, he's a fucking.

• 1:44:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, he's a closeted homosexual as well. Hey, that's a lie. Okay. If I saw you in Houston.

• 1:44:16Speaker 01

  If your name is Mark and we hooked up in Houston.

• 1:44:21Theo Von?

  Hold on guys, let me start over.

• 1:44:23Speaker 01

  You can't help it.

• 1:44:25Theo Von?

  The dad just.

• 1:44:30Theo Von?

  God, that was so.

• 1:44:32Theo Von?

  But I had to play in the dark and that was a challenge. I remember that.

• 1:44:34Speaker 01

  That's good for your understanding of the fretboard.

• 1:44:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:37Speaker 01

  You know, it's more intuitive. It's more.

• 1:44:40Theo Von?

  Yeah, SNL was great. It was cool to see. Well, Burr, Burr, Bill Burr dropped into a lot of the characters. He liked the acting part where you're like doing the characters. He did a really great job.

• 1:44:48Speaker 01

  He's a good actor, man.

• 1:44:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, he really like try, you know, it's like, cause some of it, it was like, kind of, you would think it's a little cheesy or whatever. But he like, you know.

• 1:44:55Speaker 01

  You gotta commit. You're there. You know what I mean? Like sketch comedy in general is a little, is a little cheesy. But if you're gonna do it, you gotta fucking do it. You know what I mean?

• 1:45:03Theo Von?

  It was cool. McGee played.

• 1:45:04Speaker 01

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:45:05Theo Von?

  That was pretty dope. I'm trying to think of what else happened.

• 1:45:08Speaker 01

  And he, uh, go to the after party or anything like that?

• 1:45:11Theo Von?

  I didn't go.

• 1:45:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:45:12Theo Von?

  I heard that it's interesting. They line up like limos and people all from the show go get in the limos and they're just waiting outside and it takes everybody to the after party.

• 1:45:19Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 1:45:20Theo Von?

  So.

• 1:45:21Speaker 01

  A show of force. It's kinda like how North Korea has a bunch of tanks and stuff. SNL was like, we got 12 limos.

• 1:45:26Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:27Speaker 01

  Don't fuck with us.

• 1:45:28Theo Von?

  We got what we got.

• 1:45:29Speaker 01

  We got 12 limos going to the Dave and Buster's in Times Square.

• 1:45:32Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:45:35Theo Von?

  And all of our drivers are addicted to porn. If you're in North Korea, you see that?

• 1:45:38Speaker 01

  That's awesome, dude. Salute to those guys. That, they made a big mistake. Once, once someone gets a little taste of pornography, you tell me they're gonna go back to no porn? This could legitimately lead to the toppling of the North Korean regime.

• 1:45:52Theo Von?

  Little dabble, do you, dude? North Korea soldiers in Russia gain internet access. View lewd videos.

• 1:46:00Speaker 01

  This is from UkrainianWorldCongress.org. Where the fuck are you getting your news, man?

• 1:46:07Theo Von?

  The same place everybody is, dude.

• 1:46:09Speaker 01

  UkrainianWorldCongress.org?

• 1:46:13Theo Von?

  This is a website we made a half hour ago.

• 1:46:18Theo Von?

  This is all news now. It's whatever you want it to be. A usually reliable source. This is from this article. Tells me that the North Korean soldiers who have deployed to Russia have never had unfettered access to the internet before. As a result, they're gorging on pornography.

• 1:46:33Speaker 01

  Gorging on pornography. That's awesome. Gorging is crazy. Gorging mean? The equi- what's gorging like the equivalent of? Cause I've gorged on food.

• 1:46:42Theo Von?

  Yeah. Probably mouth open a couple, use a couple of phones going at once.

• 1:46:51Speaker 01

  I don't think it's their best soldiers. I think they're sending expendable guys. There's no way Kim Jong Un is sending his best boys out there.

• 1:46:59Theo Von?

  They're sending.

• 1:47:00Speaker 01

  He might want to get the masturbators out of his ranks. He might've sent the masturbators out.

• 1:47:06Theo Von?

  A hundred percent. Let's zoom in on a couple of these guys.

• 1:47:08Speaker 01

  He looks awesome. Look at that fit, bro. I wanna dress like that for real.

• 1:47:13Theo Von?

  You can do that, man.

• 1:47:14Speaker 01

  I need those pants. I need that fucking leather jacket.

• 1:47:16Theo Von?

  Is that goat leather?

• 1:47:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Where do they get it from? It's shiny. He's looking awesome.

• 1:47:22Theo Von?

  Oh, he looks great. I think especially over the years.

• 1:47:25Speaker 01

  He's really figured his lookout. He's coming, he's coming to his own.

• 1:47:29Theo Von?

  They say he gets massages every day.

• 1:47:31Speaker 01

  And you, interesting.

• 1:47:32Theo Von?

  And facials too.

• 1:47:33Speaker 01

  I'd love that. I would love to live like that. I would love a massage.

• 1:47:37Theo Von?

  Look how high the one dude is on porn. Right above your cursor to the right. Zoom in on that guy. Right there. Right there. Zoom in on that guy right there. Oh, you can't, sorry.

• 1:47:47Speaker 01

  Enhance.

• 1:47:48Theo Von?

  Let's get a shot of that guy.

• 1:47:50Speaker 01

  Um, the hats are pretty, the hats are pretty high.

• 1:47:53Theo Von?

  Great hats. I've watched that much porn before. Where one of my ears turns really red. That's crazy, man.

• 1:48:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:48:06Theo Von?

  That's a lot.

• 1:48:07Speaker 01

  Cause he's lost all the blood from that ear and it's gone translucent. Cause that's all pumping to his cock.

• 1:48:12Theo Von?

  It's all being used, brother.

• 1:48:13Speaker 01

  All non-essential blood is being redirected to your dick. When do you see porn for the first time in 40 years?

• 1:48:20Theo Von?

  Oh dude, I remember at school when I would have to take tests, I would fucking tie my legs off like this to keep the blood like up by my brain.

• 1:48:26Speaker 01

  Oh, smart dude.

• 1:48:27Theo Von?

  So I'd be able to have more oxygen in my brain, help me think.

• 1:48:31Speaker 01

  Where did you find out about that? Who told you about that? Was that just, you know what I mean?

• 1:48:35Theo Von?

  Good idea.

• 1:48:36Speaker 01

  Just good idea. Did it work?

• 1:48:37Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think it was pretty good. Pretty good student, you know?

• 1:48:40Speaker 01

  Love that dude.

• 1:48:41Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was fun, man. It was being alive back then. Fucking beautiful leg skin.

• 1:48:45Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. What's the leg skin looking like these days? You don't really show off the gams too much.

• 1:48:49Theo Von?

  I don't that much, yeah. I mean, I put them away today.

• 1:48:52Speaker 01

  That's not bad.

• 1:48:52Theo Von?

  You know?

• 1:48:53Speaker 01

  That's not bad.

• 1:48:54Theo Von?

  I mean, yeah, I'm not, yeah, they won't be in Westminster, but, you know, they won't be in the dog show.

• 1:49:01Theo Von?

  But I do saw, I think if I get in the gym for a couple of weeks, I'll show them, you know?

• 1:49:04Speaker 01

  Please do.

• 1:49:05Theo Von?

  I will. Thank you, man.

• 1:49:06Speaker 01

  Please do.

• 1:49:06Theo Von?

  But see, that's the thing. That's a blessing of being a foundational man.

• 1:49:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, we got some thick, and I'm even hiding the calves, too. I, what, what bothers me is I love, I'm a little too milky white up here.

• 1:49:17Theo Von?

  Oh, you got those force five walls right there, baby. Those things are category three. Fucking, you could hang out, you could hide two bitches behind those.

• 1:49:25Speaker 01

  You could, you could, you could take shelter behind my calves, no problem.

• 1:49:29Theo Von?

  I would love that.

• 1:49:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:49:31Theo Von?

  What else is happening, man? Anything else?

• 1:49:34Speaker 04

  Want to talk about? Police seized a goat from an 11-year-old girl and she won a $300,000 settlement.

• 1:49:42Speaker 01

  What is up with cops taking fucking animals, dude?

• 1:49:44Theo Von?

  Yeah, something happened with a muck, a squirrel too, huh?

• 1:49:47Speaker 01

  I don't understand why people are fucking, it's just, it like bureaucrat, like, who gives a fuck? And good for this girl, she won 300K. Now, I don't know all the facts. Hopefully this goat wasn't biting people's dicks off or whatever. It turns out the goat was a fucking piece of shit, but if he was just a nice little goat, Vanessa Shakib?

• 1:50:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's tough to know. Um, the goat was seized by sheriffs. Go back to the top a little bit. Sheriff's deputy in 2022 while living at a North Carolina farm and was later slaughtered.

• 1:50:19Speaker 01

  Why? Did they, did they eat him?

• 1:50:20Theo Von?

  As outlined in court documents.

• 1:50:22Speaker 01

  You can't slaughter a goat for no reason. For no reason.

• 1:50:26Theo Von?

  No, not for no fucking reason.

• 1:50:27Speaker 01

  Look, if they had a nice.

• 1:50:28Theo Von?

  Cops like, nah, we're getting this guy out of here.

• 1:50:32Theo Von?

  And the ghost is like.

• 1:50:34Speaker 01

  Yeah. The sheriff's deputy did nothing than enforce the law. Yeah, right.

• 1:50:38Theo Von?

  I, who knows if this is even right. And then they got this squirrel or whatever. He did something.

• 1:50:42Speaker 01

  Some dumb bitch snitched. They shouldn't have killed Peanut, but the bitch who snitched is obviously the biggest villain in here. But also the cops overstepping. Cops love killing a fucking animal when they can, man. They do. They'll shoot people's dogs for no reason. They just fucking like killing shit.

• 1:50:58Theo Von?

  Quiet him down. It's just a fucking Cherokee.

• 1:51:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a gun.

• 1:51:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:04Speaker 01

  The Barrett had a gun.

• 1:51:07Theo Von?

  Oh, man. What do you think of the world right now? Things feel okay now to you? Are you scared?

• 1:51:12Speaker 01

  Not really.

• 1:51:12Theo Von?

  Cause I know there's the, there's the, the election, right?

• 1:51:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:51:16Theo Von?

  Do you, what are people truly scared of? Do you think when they talk about Trump? Cause, but what is it? I'm, I'm, I kind of start to wonder, what do people be scared of?

• 1:51:26Speaker 01

  I can tell you right, I mean, the thing, so for me, you know, I didn't love either candidate here. Um, I didn't, I really didn't understand being enthusiastic about either candidate. Um, I think, you know, I'm not a Trump guy, obviously. I think he, he is dangerous and the things that I'm scared of the most. And the thing that made me, that made me lean towards Kamala was more than anything was the Supreme Court and that, um, it would be if it's put under like far right control.

• 1:51:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:56Speaker 01

  For the next however long, we've already seen, you know, women's right to, you know, over their bodies, the, the abortion, you know, Roe v. Wade's been overturned, which I think is really dangerous. That's going to like really affect women's healthcare. Uh, already in states that banned it, you see they're getting less just general OBGYN care because it's more dangerous to be a doctor in those states. So we don't think about shit that trickles down. So like, it's harder to get just general healthcare, let alone abortion in Texas now for women. And that's only going to get harder in rural states. And I think for me, that was the number one issue. That's really fucking scary to me.

• 1:52:32Theo Von?

  Well, especially with the border being open and they're letting rapists in.

• 1:52:36Theo Von?

  You know what I'm saying though? It's like, you're just. Well, yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's the best time to repeal that.

• 1:52:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. If we're gonna follow your logic and you claim they got rapists coming in, maybe we should also keep abortion. But, you know, I think we got plenty of homegrown rapists too, but, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:52:55Theo Von?

  We've got our own.

• 1:52:56Speaker 01

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 1:52:57Theo Von?

  We've got some union guys.

• 1:52:58Speaker 01

  We've got some heirloom American rapists for sure.

• 1:53:03Theo Von?

  Jesus.

• 1:53:03Speaker 01

  But I think, I think that's my, the number one thing that scares me is about that because it's not only, that's the first step. And I think you can really see stuff that we take for granted as progress, gay marriage is another thing. There's a really weird cultural, I think this is what happens anytime the party that's backed by the, you know, the powers that be, big business, the rich people, the richest people in the world want far-right politicians. And I think if they still. Absolutely, without question.

• 1:53:34Theo Von?

  I feel like tech is now, I just feel like the parties have changed.

• 1:53:38Speaker 01

  Elon Musk is, was a huge, is a huge Trump guy.

• 1:53:40Theo Von?

  That's a good point.

• 1:53:41Speaker 01

  I think rich people will support whoever's in power, number one, but they want to transfer wealth from the poor to the rich. They've been really good at doing it. The biggest issue, I think the reason the Democrats lost is because they pretend that there is no problem. That it's like, that's fucking crazy. You have to tell people that, yes, there are issues here. Shit is more expensive. I think inflation, I think a big, a big part of inflation is that companies realize they can just charge you more and say it's somebody else's fault. A lot of it's price gouging. That's, you know, that's fucking true. And the, but you should.

• 1:54:15Theo Von?

  Everything gets much more expensive.

• 1:54:16Speaker 01

  And companies are, some of it is just real inflation, but some of it is companies are hiding behind inflation. And like, there was no, Democrats did nothing to stop price gouging, right? They didn't even say they were gonna do it. You can't tell people that things are going good when they're just clearly not. And there were just no, it sucks because. They offered the Democratic Party has become like they were going after fucking Dick Cheney and who's like

• 1:54:43Theo Von?

  It was so bizarre.

• 1:54:44Speaker 01

  It's crazy because they're going after policy wise, you know, moderates, Republican, Republican people who most working class people don't agree with the economic stuff that they're saying. And then culturally, it's not, it bothers me when you become a, a, a party of like tattletales. It's like, it's become a party of like middle managers that want to get mad at you if you say the wrong thing. And it's like, that's not fucking, that's not the most important issue. The most important issue for people is that things are fucking more, they have no healthcare. Wage inequalities out of fucking control. We're not, the people's wages have not kept pace with how much bosses are earning.

• 1:55:25Theo Von?

  Well, yeah. Well, what percent, I mean Bernie Sanders said greatly that he thought if AI starts to happen for companies, right? So companies are making more money because of AI because they don't need people.

• 1:55:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:55:34Theo Von?

  Right? Then some of that money should go to the employees.

• 1:55:38Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 1:55:39Theo Von?

  As opposed and cut it, cut it down their hours for the week.

• 1:55:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:55:41Theo Von?

  Give them a better life instead of just making it where, well, fucking.

• 1:55:46Speaker 01

  Well, we don't need you anymore.

• 1:55:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:47Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? So you don't get anything and we keep all the fucking profits. And I do think, I mean, I think we talked about a little bit last time where it's like AI as a tool to fucking do creative shit is, it's so weird. And it's like, it should be making normal people's lives easier. It shouldn't just be for rich people to be able to charge less. Like you, there should be some protections for workers and we should be able to like, you know, you should be able to fucking buy a house, all these fucking regular issues that weren't really hit on. It was just, well, you gotta vote for us because the other person's worse. And even though I think that is true, that's not a winning message. That's nothing, especially when the other side is offering, they're at least saying shit's bad.

• 1:56:29Theo Von?

  Well, yeah.

• 1:56:29Speaker 01

  They're saying it's for the wrong reasons. I don't think it's immigrants fault. It's definitely not fucking, trans people aren't the people buying up houses and not letting you buy it. You know what I mean? Like, I don't, but at least they're saying something's wrong and they're saying some fucked up shit. In my opinion, they're trying to make it cultural. War stuff. They're trying to divide people who should be on the same side by saying, oh, gay people are bad, trans people are bad, when it's like, the people trying to fuck you are rich people. That's how it's always been. That's, that's the fucking, that's, that's a tale as old as time. Like, and it's weird. Some people think they're gonna be fucking billionaires when they're, when it's like, they don't make off crypto or whatever. And they're like, well, when I'm that

• 1:57:09Speaker 01

  rich, I don't want to be taxed. And it's like, you fucking don't, you live in, you're, you're sharing a loft bedroom with your dad, your friend's dad who's taking dick pills. You don't have to worry about fucking tax rates going up on you.

• 1:57:22Theo Von?

  Don't bet on, yeah, yeah, bet on yourself now.

• 1:57:24Speaker 01

  Bet on yourself right now, man. How about, how about we raise some, some fucking, some taxes on the, on the richest people and you get some fucking healthcare. It just, I don't know, man.

• 1:57:34Theo Von?

  I know, maybe I shouldn't have. It's a lot. It's a lot.

• 1:57:36Speaker 01

  It just, it's frustrating because I, that, but even having said all that, I think what people are scared of the most with Trump is just, yeah, man, the Supreme Court being taken over by like, ideologically really right wing, because now the Senate is Republican and there's like, you know, taken over by that, that's scary, that is scary to me because we could see a lot of stuff rolled back that is, that we, we take for granted as fundamental and stuff that's just progress. We can argue over like, you know, economic issues, whatever, but some of those things, that does scare me. When it's like gay, like, women's rights are being rolled back.

• 1:58:12Theo Von?

  So wild if you got groups in there that were like, well, you can't do gay anymore.

• 1:58:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, we're, we're taking away gay marriage.

• 1:58:20Theo Von?

  But then you'd have to, all the gays have to pretend they're straight again or whatever.

• 1:58:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, back in the closet, boys. Like, ah, come on. I just threw away all my straight, I just threw away all my Dockers. I just threw away all my fucking plaid shirts.

• 1:58:34Theo Von?

  Fucking burned all my Doc Martens and just lay in bed, holding my high school girlfriend.

• 1:58:42Speaker 01

  Gay guys and lesbians have to get married again?

• 1:58:47Speaker 01

  And then fuck other, fuck on the side?

• 1:58:50Theo Von?

  Hey, you know what? There was something admirable about those days though.

• 1:58:53Speaker 01

  Look, you got, you got, I respect getting a nut anyway, against the, against everything.

• 1:58:58Theo Von?

  Well, just the hard work, just the, you know, the effort that people put into being gay.

• 1:59:02Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:59:02Theo Von?

  Whereas now fucking some dudes just like all day being gay. Just willy fucking nilly, just burning the gay candle at both ends.

• 1:59:12Speaker 01

  Yep, doing Pilates, he's the only guy in the class.

• 1:59:14Theo Von?

  Which is the gayest thing you do. I used to have a gay roommate for about four months and he would chew gum in his fucking sleep. And I was like, what is going on?

• 1:59:22Speaker 01

  Did he have a defined jawline?

• 1:59:23Theo Von?

  He was a figure skater. He could jump over a Toyota Tercel, the front.

• 1:59:26Speaker 01

  Wow, just the front.

• 1:59:28Theo Von?

  Yeah, but side to side, couldn't go long. That's insane. And he's jumping. Literally at an angle and kind of.

• 1:59:33Speaker 01

  Oh, he do the spin, the axle.

• 1:59:35Theo Von?

  It was crazy.

• 1:59:36Speaker 01

  That's awesome.

• 1:59:36Theo Von?

  He could axle over a fucking Toyota Tercel, yeah.

• 1:59:38Speaker 01

  Where'd, where'd you meet him?

• 1:59:39Theo Von?

  We met him, um, we were shopping, my buddy and I were shopping for firewood and we met him at a Vons one afternoon. We'd just moved to Los Angeles.

• 1:59:50Speaker 01

  He was doing tricks in the parking lot?

• 1:59:51Theo Von?

  Yeah, he was just doing that fucking Piro, Ant, Reyes.

• 1:59:54Speaker 01

  Your buddy's like, hey pal, ease off the Tercel. I just, I just got rid of the Mitsubishi. I can turn this fucking car off. The last thing I need is a gay heel going through my windshield.

• 2:00:07Theo Von?

  Yeah, I toned it down, huh?

• 2:00:08Speaker 01

  Tone it down.

• 2:00:09Theo Von?

  Hey, just buff, he's just buffing it with his feet as he passes over.

• 2:00:16Theo Von?

  Well, I do think some things that, uh, I do, I will say this though also, Donald Trump campaigned harder than fucking anyone. For a 78 year old man.

• 2:00:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:00:28Theo Von?

  It's unbelievable.

• 2:00:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I think he loves the attention of campaigning. You know what I mean?

• 2:00:33Theo Von?

  But to even do it, dude, like. I just can't even believe, I mean, that like blew my mind just how um how much he could do, you know?

• 2:00:43Speaker 01

  I think that's his favorite part, though. You saw him. He was all, he was electric on the fucking mic, bro.

• 2:00:48Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:48Speaker 01

  He loves, he loves getting, he loves crushing, dude. He's like, he loves getting in front of this crowd, just fucking riffing like, dude, you think that motherfucker wants to be in meetings? Or you think he wants to be talking to the Nelk Boys? About how he used to get pussy in the eighties or whatever the fuck he was doing? Like, that's the part he likes. He doesn't want to listen to fucking reports about fucking stats and numbers and shit. No, he wants to eat a Big Mac, drink a Diet Coke and go on busting with the boys.

• 2:01:15Theo Von?

  He's like, paraffin.

• 2:01:18Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Cut the mics. Let me tell you a little something.

• 2:01:22Theo Von?

  Suzanne Somers.

• 2:01:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:01:25Theo Von?

  Funny, I will say, I think one of the funniest guys I've ever had, though.

• 2:01:28Speaker 01

  Entertaining. Without question, that's the thing. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you he's not fucking, he's funny as shit, which is, I think, why things are so, that's why he was able to sneak through. If somebody was saying the exact same shit with no humor at all, it would be horrifying. It would, it would be. It's fucking crazy. He says insane shit and but it's funny as fuck and he seems gay. That's the other thing. He's a New York gay guy who happens to be straight, I guess. Well, he beha, I mean, come on. He's, his mannerisms, his little pursing of the, he behaves like a gay guy is what I'm saying. He's got queen, he's a, he's a, he's, he seems like a gay guy from Queens. He's from Queens. He has like that little, his hair, his fucking spray tan. No, he's from Queens.

• 2:02:12Theo Von?

  Oh, he is?

• 2:02:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The spray tan, he, I'm saying, I don't think he's gay, but he does have gay mannerisms.

• 2:02:19Theo Von?

  Okay.

• 2:02:21Speaker 01

  Doing this, doing this, like, his little fucking.

• 2:02:25Theo Von?

  Where the gays for Trump? That was the best, like, where are they? They're here.

• 2:02:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:02:29Theo Von?

  Couple gays for Trump. Where the squirrels for Trump? They're here, look at them.

• 2:02:33Speaker 01

  Where's my African American?

• 2:02:36Theo Von?

  Blacks for Trump. Where the, there's two of them right there. Let them loose. Let him loose guys.

• 2:02:44Speaker 01

  How many whispers in his ear? Good to see you, boys.

• 2:02:47Theo Von?

  Harriet Tubman's here.

• 2:02:51Theo Von?

  Dude, the best was he brought up Nikki Jam. He thought it was a woman. He's like, Nikki Jam is here. Beautiful. And it's a fucking dude, some dude off Instagram.

• 2:03:01Speaker 01

  Nikki Jam?

• 2:03:02Theo Von?

  Some dude with a mouthful of zins rolls up there. Just fucking spitting stay awake juice into the fucking audience.

• 2:03:10Speaker 01

  No, he's so fu- but that, like, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you the guy's, he's so fucking funny. I wi- like, I-

• 2:03:17Theo Von?

  But so it's a court. So that's one thing that people, cuz I, I just hear that a lot. People like, I'm so scared. What are you fucking like? That's a part. I just never believed the government's gonna affect my life that much.

• 2:03:26Speaker 01

  I agree with you. The pres- the presidential, the president doesn't have that much power. And if it wasn't for the Supreme Court, I would be like, who really gives a fuck? The Democrats didn't run any kind of coherent campaign. They don't wanna, I, I hope, I hope this will make- Cuz look, I, my politics are further left than that. I'm not a Democrat registered. Bernie is the only guy I liked in a long time because I thought he was the only human being who was like a real int- person of integrity. I think Donald Trump just is a po- the idea that he's different from politicians is crazy. He's a rich guy who had, you know, he grew up rich.

• 2:04:02Theo Von?

  He's a class president for sure, type.

• 2:04:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it's like, his dad, you know, he was like, uh, his dad was a fucking slumlord. He's just a rich guy who's fucked over people on deals forever. He's, I don't like, I, I, you know, I have class issues, right? I don't, I tend to not trust super rich guys and, and I don't see how he's gonna do anything different. I think it's naive to think he's gonna be different than, I understand not trusting the democratic establishment, but it's like, to me, Trump's funny, but he is, he's a fucking billionaire propped up by other billionaires. That's, I think he's part of just the, the complex that runs our country and I don't think he's any different.

• 2:04:37Theo Von?

  Right.

• 2:04:37Speaker 01

  The only person that I like-

• 2:04:38Theo Von?

  It's gonna be a challenge to see if he is. Like, I mean, they'll think, you know-

• 2:04:41Speaker 01

  He was already, that's the other weird thing. He was already, we're talking about him like he's this shaking up force. He was already fucking president.

• 2:04:48Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:04:49Speaker 01

  It's not, he's not new. That's what's weird.

• 2:04:52Theo Von?

  Both of them were, that, that was a foul, they both of them had. It was like- And Kamala's like, it'll be different. Like, let's fucking

• 2:04:58Speaker 01

  I know, and that's

• 2:04:59Theo Von?

  go home and make it different right now.

• 2:05:00Speaker 01

  And that's why, absolutely. You're in office, you're in power right now. Do something. God knows Joe ain't doing shit. That guy's been having ice cream for six months.

• 2:05:09Theo Von?

  I know. And they pretended. And when they, that's what, that's what lost me as a Democrat, when they, that's when they lost me. Was when they lied about, or when they just, I just didn't like the way they treated that old man.

• 2:05:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:05:20Theo Von?

  You know, it's not fucking cool. Cause then he believes he's doing great.

• 2:05:23Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 2:05:24Theo Von?

  So he wakes up every day.

• 2:05:25Speaker 01

  Different.

• 2:05:25Theo Von?

  He's listening to the music. He's fucking riding for his bike. He's looking for fucking.

• 2:05:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:05:30Theo Von?

  I mean, what are they doing here?

• 2:05:31Speaker 01

  He's looking awesome there, honestly.

• 2:05:33Theo Von?

  Is this the end of Amazing Race?

• 2:05:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:05:37Theo Von?

  To heaven?

• 2:05:39Speaker 01

  It looks like he's just about to finish a fucking marathon.

• 2:05:42Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:05:42Speaker 01

  But he just got out of his car.

• 2:05:44Theo Von?

  And they're still pretending every day. They, they, they just told him the other day, he's the fucking mayor of Wisconsin.

• 2:05:49Speaker 01

  And he's like, great.

• 2:05:50Theo Von?

  And they're giving him unlimited.

• 2:05:51Speaker 01

  Have some cheese curds?

• 2:05:52Theo Von?

  Yeah. Unlimited ice cream and milk.

• 2:05:54Speaker 01

  Well, and that's why, I agree with you. I think they made a fucking huge mistake in running him again. Like, when he ran the first time, it's like, I get it. People were scared of another thing of Trump. So like, put some fucking, you know, put some middle of the road ass Democrat. But then they should have had an open primary. Like, when people could

• 2:06:13Theo Von?

  It seemed like a railroaded thing.

• 2:06:14Speaker 01

  People could actually vote on the issues they care about. And they just didn't do that. And, and she even had an opportunity to, if she came out with any fucking, um, you know, I'm just pissed off.

• 2:06:25Theo Von?

  She didn't release any new music.

• 2:06:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, there was nothing new. It was all Biden remixes and nobody liked Biden.

• 2:06:32Theo Von?

  And you can't just hit, and she tried to go after blacks with a mixtape. You got a fucking

• 2:06:36Speaker 01

  Little production.

• 2:06:37Theo Von?

  Yeah. It was, she dropped a lot of diss tracks.

• 2:06:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. But no, yeah. Nothing new.

• 2:06:42Theo Von?

  No, yeah. Just didn't hit. But look, man, I think it's just crazy how, um, I don't know. It'll be interesting. It's a lot of pressure to see. I'm, I'm most excited about RFK and JD Vance was super cool when he came on the podcast. He's a human. Trump's hard to get to know.

• 2:06:58Speaker 01

  I don't know that JD, to me, he seems like a traditional, just say whatever it takes to get elected snake, to be honest with you. I know, you know, you had him on, he was cool here, but he was a guy who said he hated Trump. He said some fucked up shit about women like, I just think he's a, and venture capitalist guys are fucking worms to begin with. I don't trust JD Vance at all. I think he's a piece of shit also. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, just, I think he's a cut in the, regular ass Republican that'll say any fucking fucked up thing just to get into power. He sucked Trump's cock after saying he was, he called him Hitler or whatever. And he, he made a complete turn when he realized it was politically advantageous to be on Trump's side.

• 2:07:39Speaker 01

  I think he also is just a run of the mill, piece of shit politician. Like I just do. And that's the thing.

• 2:07:45Theo Von?

  I think all politicians is a weird thing to be, right?

• 2:07:49Speaker 01

  But that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying is like, I've never been excited about, the politics I've been excited about was Obama when I was 18.

• 2:07:56Theo Von?

  Same, I voted for Obama.

• 2:07:57Speaker 01

  And I think he did have a real opportunity to do something and it turned out he didn't really do shit. And then, and then he didn't, man.

• 2:08:04Theo Von?

  Yeah. But that's the, that's the thing that always happens.

• 2:08:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. At least that was something that was like, and I think part of that was Obama was just too inexperienced. I think if he had a little more, you know, he didn't know what he was doing with the Senate. His, the healthcare thing got completely fucked and universal healthcare.

• 2:08:20Theo Von?

  I had Obamacare.

• 2:08:22Speaker 01

  It was bad. It was, they didn't, they, they ended up.

• 2:08:24Theo Von?

  Some cups. I saw some, a set of cups they sent me.

• 2:08:26Speaker 01

  Nice dude. You got, you got a mug? That's the, yeah.

• 2:08:29Theo Von?

  No, it's like, like I kind of like some plastic cups of it. I still use them.

• 2:08:35Speaker 01

  He got worked over by thinking he could actually, you know, find common ground with the Republicans. They should have just rammed the legislation down their throat. They had both, both houses at the time. Anyway, whatever.

• 2:08:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:08:49Speaker 01

  The, and the only person I was excited about was Bernie because I think he was actually in that run in 2016. He was like.

• 2:08:56Theo Von?

  He would have been cool.

• 2:08:57Speaker 01

  Been cool, but the Democrats shut that shit down.

• 2:08:59Theo Von?

  I, hey, man, well, one, I, I like Vance as a guy, seemed like a nice guy. I, I know that like, like he's like, you know, they say like Peter Thiel is like the guy that got him in office, that sort of thing. But then you start to see that all these guys have backers. Will things be different with some of these guys? I don't know. I think, but one thing that's cool is that we both like Bernie. I like Bernie too. I would have voted for Bernie.

• 2:09:20Speaker 01

  See, that's the, is I think those ideas unite people because he's just saying like, look, we have issues to deal with. There's real issues. We're not going to pretend shit's good when it's not. And let's find real ways to do it that everybody gets and every, that's real equality. He wants to help everyone because it's not about, it's not, it's not a fucking, it's not about like, you know, cultural shit. It's about economic shit and more people are disaffected because of the, you know, people at the top. And I think that's a message that everyone can agree with. And I think when, when people aren't looking at things ideologically, if you just ask them about issues, people agree on a lot of fucking issues.

• 2:10:01Theo Von?

  I say that every day.

• 2:10:02Speaker 01

  Able to fucking buy a house. They want to be able to afford shit and they want to be able to fucking, you know, get healthcare. How many people do we know? Like I have, you know, I know people extended, extended family, stuff like that, that are struggling off shit that they shouldn't, because somebody got sick and it derails your whole fucking family.

• 2:10:18Theo Von?

  We talk about that all the time.

• 2:10:19Speaker 01

  It's fucked up, dude.

• 2:10:20Theo Von?

  The number one cause of, I mean, we say this all the time now because it's one of the few facts I know, but the number one cause of bankruptcy in America is medical debt.

• 2:10:27Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 2:10:27Theo Von?

  And so it's a fucking, the whole system is a money laundering scam. And I don't know why that hasn't changed. And you would think at some point, one of these fucking groups would be able to change the shit, you know?

• 2:10:38Speaker 01

  It's, I mean, there is so much money in politics and I was.

• 2:10:41Theo Von?

  Right, but it's just, it's so, people are so fed up with the fucking system. I, I just, you almost want there to be a war to end it all or whatever.

• 2:10:51Speaker 01

  I know what you mean, man. I do know what you mean. And some people do believe that. Some people think there's no way.

• 2:10:56Theo Von?

  Has to change because this is not changing over time, right?

• 2:10:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, some people believe revolution is the only way to fucking do it.

• 2:11:03Theo Von?

  Hey, Tony tried to start one.

• 2:11:07Speaker 01

  That was the main reason cop like Shane said it too on his podcast. It would have been so funny to be able to blame Tony. He would just be like, you bombed so hard that the part of your candidate fucking lost. How fun would that be to tell Tony for the rest of his life? That's actually the thing I'm most pissed off about. Supreme Court is number two. After being able to mock Tony for the rest of my life. That's what I regret the most about the election.

• 2:11:38Theo Von?

  He was sweating. I sat there and watched it with him.

• 2:11:42Theo Von?

  He was sweating, man. I think we could, I know that we could do better in this country about being, making useful things. I was just looking the other day in Japan. Is it in Japan where they have the sidewalks turn power a fucking building? You're walking by them. The fucking building's powered by people walking on this.

• 2:11:58Speaker 01

  That's fucking cool. Yeah, our infrastructure is so fucked too. It's like.

• 2:12:02Theo Von?

  Our trains don't even work.

• 2:12:03Speaker 01

  High speed rail, we need like.

• 2:12:04Theo Von?

  Our trains, if you're on a train, the other day it got robbed by a bunch of people on horseback.

• 2:12:11Speaker 01

  The Amtrak's getting the fucking, the 310 de Yuma treatment.

• 2:12:17Theo Von?

  It's unreal. Dude, you go to the post office, you go in there, you're like, yeah, I'm looking for this package. You give a piece of paper. The guy comes back two days later and asks you who the fuck you are, right? You're like, where have you been?

• 2:12:33Speaker 01

  I know, dude.

• 2:12:34Theo Von?

  What is even going on?

• 2:12:35Speaker 01

  It's fucking crazy. It's crazy.

• 2:12:37Theo Von?

  It's falling around, dude. Yeah, but it's like meanwhile, we have all these homeless people wandering around town. If you put them all in an area. And set up one of these, because this floor in Japan turns footsteps into electricity. Play a bit of it there.

• 2:12:48Speaker 01

  So you, you're thinking.

• 2:12:53Speaker 01

  I don't like this guy's voice.

• 2:12:55Theo Von?

  The trains are powered.

• 2:12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean.

• 2:13:00Theo Von?

  But if you could get 50 or 70 homeless people to power a Jamba Juice or something, you know?

• 2:13:04Speaker 01

  I agree with you, dude.

• 2:13:04Theo Von?

  How fucking great would that be? They come out, they dance for 12 minutes or whatever. And bam, the fucking-

• 2:13:10Speaker 01

  It's exercise for them. It's good electricity.

• 2:13:13Theo Von?

  The blender's cut on in there.

• 2:13:15Speaker 01

  And they get a free smoothie for their trouble.

• 2:13:17Theo Von?

  What are we doing? But instead, everybody's like, they need pills, you know? It's like, fucking no, dude.

• 2:13:23Speaker 01

  That's a perfect example, though, of homelessness. It's like, give them homes.

• 2:13:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:13:27Speaker 01

  We have the, we know what it takes. Like, make fucking apartment buildings. And like, that has been shown to work. And most people just don't have access. But there is all this weird, like, you will create nonprofits to, to help the homeless that cost more than just getting them little apartments.

• 2:13:45Theo Von?

  They give them recipe books.

• 2:13:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:13:48Theo Von?

  And they'll just keep bussing them back and forth to different cities. Like, it's basically, political parties play Red Rover with them.

• 2:13:56Speaker 01

  I know. What they should do is, is instead of bussing them, sign them up for Southwest miles.

• 2:14:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:01Speaker 01

  And then they get some fucking miles out of it. Give them a Southwest credit card. Every time you ship them from Texas to New York to fucking wherever the fuck. And then they can go on vacation, you know? They can earn some miles, some points.

• 2:14:13Theo Von?

  You're not free to cough about the cabin. Somebody was just hacking up a fucking dead sparrow in his throat. And I only say that because I was in San Francisco. One time a guy threw a fucking bird at me for no reason.

• 2:14:24Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 2:14:25Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:25Speaker 01

  It was a sparrow?

• 2:14:26Theo Von?

  It was small enough.

• 2:14:27Speaker 01

  Small enough.

• 2:14:28Theo Von?

  It could have been a, um, a warbler, but I'm gonna get him back. We'll see.

• 2:14:33Speaker 01

  He put an air tag in his, in his bindle? And you're, you're tracking him? You're gonna get him back?

• 2:14:38Theo Von?

  Every time I close my eyes, I still see what he looks like.

• 2:14:41Speaker 01

  That's horrifying. Birds to me are unsettling creatures.

• 2:14:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:45Speaker 01

  To have one thrown at you is very tough.

• 2:14:47Theo Von?

  The, the dirtiest surprise.

• 2:14:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:14:50Theo Von?

  Star Wars fan, the new movie.

• 2:14:52Speaker 01

  Let's start a cult.

• 2:14:53Theo Von?

  Let's start a cult.

• 2:14:54Speaker 01

  Out on VOD right now. Go to Apple, Amazon, wherever you like to rent video, uh, movies. Go check it out, please. I'm begging you. We got the calendar. We have a new tour coming out, the Dreamboat Tour. And yeah, I really appreciate you having me on, dude. It's always so fun. This is my favorite podcast to do. It's so much fucking fun.

• 2:15:10Theo Von?

  Really, dude?

• 2:15:11Speaker 01

  I love it. You're the best to riff with.

• 2:15:12Theo Von?

  Thanks so much, man. I'm gonna come back in December so I can do yours in.

• 2:15:14Speaker 01

  Please, yeah. Love, would love to have you.

• 2:15:16Theo Von?

  And I remember, I didn't even know you were the guy from Come Town that I liked.

• 2:15:18Speaker 01

  That was so fun, dude. You were like, I met that guy once. I was like, it was me, dude.

• 2:15:24Theo Von?

  That's crazy, dude.

• 2:15:26Speaker 01

  But I love that. That's awesome.

• 2:15:27Theo Von?

  Would it be?

• 2:15:30Speaker 01

  We'll fucking play some Clapton. I'll have you play a little guitar while I get my dick sucked. It'll be like old times, dude. Just take those old records off.

• 2:15:39Theo Von?

  Thank you, Sal.

• 2:15:40Speaker 01

  You're the man, dude.

• 2:15:41Speaker 02

  Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone

• 2:15:51Speaker 02

  Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little time