Ep 637 - Throat Wrecker (feat. Jeremiah Watkins)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Watch Jeremiah's NEW Special 'Crazy Pizza' NOW Available on YouTube !! Support Jeremiah and See him Live @ https://www.jeremiahwatkins.com/ Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Lemaire Lee Live @ https://lemairelee.fun/ Yo0o0oo0o. Hope you're all having a good week. We're in Big Kahuna HQ with Jeremiah for you this week. Check out Jerry's new spesh 'Crazy Pizza' NOW on YouTube, watch stand up on the spot, and listen to his pod Jeremiah Wonders. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! Use code DRENCHED at https://BlueChew.com to get 10% OFF + Free Overnight Shipping on your first order Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:01Speaker 01

  We're not recording, right? And he's, and they said, no. And it freaking went out.

• 0:06Speaker 00

  And what'd you say?

• 0:08Speaker 01

  It was about a comic's bad breath.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Nice, we're recording. Who?

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Who?

• 0:14Speaker 01

  I can't, I can't start it up again. I already apologized to the comic because it went out. It was, it was bad.

• 0:20Matt McCusker?

  Did you confront them for their dastardly kind of sneaky behavior?

• 0:24Speaker 01

  Uh, no, no, he called me, he goes, uh.

• 0:27Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's a mistake.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  He goes, I gave the note to the editor, it didn't get implemented. And he go, and because we got a group text, the comic group texted me and the other comic. I was like, oh dude.

• 0:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, so the next time. Yeah, well, yeah, so I called him and I, I was like, the next time I saw him, I brought him gum and stuff as a joke.

• 0:47Matt McCusker?

  There you go.

• 0:48Speaker 01

  I was like, I gotta double down at this point.

• 0:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:51Matt McCusker?

  And you, I don't want someone to tell me if my breath is kicking.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Well, that's what he, he was.

• 0:54Speaker 00

  I'd like him to tell me, but.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:56Matt McCusker?

  Privately.

• 0:57Speaker 00

  It's not broadcast.

• 0:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 0:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  Well, that's why I said, are we not recording?

• 1:02Matt McCusker?

  Cause it could be a stomach issue too.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:04Matt McCusker?

  So.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  Could be a stomach issue.

• 1:06Matt McCusker?

  Could be a stomach issue.

• 1:07Speaker 00

  I never thought of it like that.

• 1:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, some bad breath comes from the stomach, believe it or not.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  I believe it a hundred percent.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  Halitosis.

• 1:14Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15Matt McCusker?

  But you also scrape your tongue in the morning, that helps apparently as well.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, I used to hear my dad just gagging in the mornings.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  You just find all this shit up?

• 1:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm not a morning brush teeth guy.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  You, what?

• 1:26Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm about to eat breakfast, I'm about to eat breakfast. Why would I brush my teeth and then eat breakfast?

• 1:31Speaker 01

  Oh no, I agree with you on that.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  But then brush your teeth after breakfast?

• 1:34Matt McCusker?

  If I remember.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  That's the.

• 1:38Matt McCusker?

  The important thing is to clean them before you go to bed.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  It's.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  And in the morning.

• 1:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's twice a day, minimum.

• 1:44Matt McCusker?

  Eh, dude, people even brush their teeth pretty recently, honestly. Brushing your teeth is kind of bullshit. I don't think so. If you look at the, uh, I think people were fine.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  No, they notably had fake teeth.

• 1:56Matt McCusker?

  Really? Fake?

• 1:57Speaker 00

  George Washington.

• 1:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh, he had wooden teeth, yeah.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  A lot of guys.

• 2:00Matt McCusker?

  Oh, eating sugar, it's his fault.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  You're right though, that our diet's gotten more sugar.

• 2:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but you know, those guys got like one sweet per year, really.

• 2:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:07Matt McCusker?

  So yeah, maybe I should, I mean, I'm doing all right. I have, I've, I've had one cavity my whole life, I think.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I'm not doing it for hygiene as much as.

• 2:15Matt McCusker?

  Breath.

• 2:16Speaker 00

  Breath.

• 2:17Matt McCusker?

  Gum, that's what I'm saying, crush the gum, hit the door. I feel like gum cleans your teeth better than brushing them, if I'm being honest. And you get way mintier fresh.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  This is a hot subway take.

• 2:27Matt McCusker?

  My wife, she, she gets on my ass to brush my teeth in the morning.

• 2:30Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 2:30Matt McCusker?

  She'll be like.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  Cause she has to kiss you and stuff, dude.

• 2:33Matt McCusker?

  I just woke up. I just woke up.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  We'll say, if I'm out drinking.

• 2:36Matt McCusker?

  Ooh.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  Come home, you go, almost another shot, I'm brushing my teeth. I'm fucking hitting the sack, dude.

• 2:41Matt McCusker?

  That's your, that's your right.

• 2:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:42Matt McCusker?

  If you're drinking, you don't need it.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Makes it so much worse when you wake up.

• 2:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  So much worse, if you don't brush your teeth and you're hungover.

• 2:49Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Waking up in the morning, like, oh.

• 2:51Matt McCusker?

  Your mouth's all dry.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:54Matt McCusker?

  I don't like how hot I get too, when I wake up hungover. I wake up with like a mild fever every time, like this sucks.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Yes. But it's so fucking fun.

• 3:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's fun.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  You get to fight your friends, yell at them.

• 3:05Matt McCusker?

  True. True. You have to slip the mask.

• 3:09Speaker 00

  You don't do that sober.

• 3:11Matt McCusker?

  True. It would be really weird. Be completely sober, I'm like, I fucking disagree, you dumbass.

• 3:19Matt McCusker?

  What is, what's your stance on alcohol and the consumption of it?

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Uh, I'm fine with people doing it. I, I like, yeah.

• 3:28Speaker 00

  It's not for you.

• 3:28Speaker 01

  It's not for me. I like, I've, I've had, like, there's people who drink in my family's stuff that I'm like, all right, I'm good.

• 3:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 3:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:35Matt McCusker?

  What happens, what, what kind of drunk would you classify, classify yourself as? Have you gotten like really drunk before?

• 3:42Speaker 01

  I haven't, no.

• 3:43Matt McCusker?

  Never?

• 3:44Speaker 01

  No, I haven't.

• 3:45Matt McCusker?

  You strike me as you'd be a train wreck if you got hammered.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Oh no, I absolutely would. No.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  There's something behind your eyes.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  There's something, if you got fucked up.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  I got some poison back there.

• 3:57Speaker 00

  And I've seen you fight too, you slapping people.

• 4:00Speaker 01

  I know.

• 4:00Speaker 00

  You'd be a real problem.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  I know.

• 4:02Matt McCusker?

  Well, especially, no, especially if you haven't really, so you've never been like hammered off?

• 4:07Speaker 01

  No.

• 4:08Matt McCusker?

  Never casually, so you've never taken a sip, you're like Trump.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 4:12Matt McCusker?

  Never. You've never even taken a sip of the stuff?

• 4:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:16Matt McCusker?

  That's fucking crazy.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:18Matt McCusker?

  Good for you.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  That happens a lot, so you had people in your family or something?

• 4:21Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, I had some, some people in my family who just.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Don't let a couple of bad apples ruin the bunch.

• 4:27Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 4:27Speaker 01

  What if it's more than a couple?

• 4:30Speaker 00

  It's a whole crate of rotten apples, maybe you're the good one.

• 4:32Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 4:33Speaker 00

  Maybe you can get a handle on the apples.

• 4:33Matt McCusker?

  You do have the numbers in your favor.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, true.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  True, I mean, I guess you could look at it that way.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, gotta look at the bright side.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  That I like, I have enough metrics where I've learned that I could be a solid drinker.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 4:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:45Speaker 00

  You could be a legend in the pub, we're missing out. You might be missing out on a legend in the pub.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  Well, I already, I already play good pool, so my game might even improve even more.

• 4:56Matt McCusker?

  You're in the pool hall, just.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  Silver's a bird, you're like, you're a pool shark, dude.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I, last time I was in Austin, no lie, I, I was playing a guy and he was trying to hustle me. I said, what's your name? He goes, Gator. I'm like, I don't want to play anymore.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  No.

• 5:09Speaker 01

  And he literally, he beat me like six games in a row.

• 5:12Matt McCusker?

  What's your pool rating, isn't there like a system?

• 5:15Speaker 01

  No, I've never like competed or anything like that. I, I would say I'm good for a comic, but like anybody who's like, that's like their thing, they're gonna beat me.

• 5:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I suck at pool, I get so nervous. If I get one good shot, it's over for me.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  It's very exciting.

• 5:29Matt McCusker?

  It's like, I'm never doing it again. I try, where I'm like, I actually just gotta not think about this.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Is there anything worse than having to break?

• 5:36Matt McCusker?

  Bro.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  When you suck?

• 5:37Matt McCusker?

  It's.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  You go, I haven't played this, I've never played this.

• 5:40Matt McCusker?

  I always.

• 5:40Speaker 00

  You gotta break.

• 5:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I always gotta, you break.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Nate, you gotta suck at pool.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  You gotta suck at pool.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  I was playing with Lemare, uh, what was it, last weekend? We were watching the UT, I was so bad, Lemare booted me off the tee.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  And Lemare, I bet, sucks but thinks he's really good.

• 5:58Speaker 03

  He's, he's bad too, but, but better than I was.

• 6:01Speaker 00

  Lemare, you good at pool? Yeah.

• 6:03Speaker 03

  He sucks.

• 6:03Matt McCusker?

  Crazy.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  Sucks. I've played it twice. I'm decent, I play enough, I'm decent, I'm at the pub, yeah. I've seen you at the pub, dude, there's, you're not getting anything accomplished.

• 6:15Matt McCusker?

  I seen at the pool hall, they call him Eightball down there.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  They do?

• 6:18Matt McCusker?

  Here comes Eightball.

• 6:20Speaker 03

  Here comes Eightball.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Wouldn't it be so weird, you walk into the, he's like, I'm just gonna take you around and everybody's like, Lemare, hey.

• 6:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:29Matt McCusker?

  There he is. Yeah, I suck, I, I got like into it a little bit in college for like a short period of time and then just lost all my skill.

• 6:37Speaker 00

  You're a college pool shark.

• 6:38Matt McCusker?

  A little bit, we had one in the dorm, so we would play all the time. I got like decent, I, I can break now, but it's like, it sucks. Sometimes I get like, I'll hit it real hard, but then only like the four corner balls or three corner balls just move and the rest of it stays still.

• 6:52Speaker 00

  And then it doesn't count.

• 6:53Matt McCusker?

  Well, I gotta play it, no, you gotta play that.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  No, literally, that's.

• 6:56Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:56Matt McCusker?

  How much, what's like, how much space do you need between balls?

• 6:59Speaker 00

  It's like a, on a break, you have to, a couple of balls have to come back to your end.

• 7:03Matt McCusker?

  Is that what it is?

• 7:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, something like that.

• 7:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what's the rule on breaking?

• 7:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 7:08Matt McCusker?

  Play it where it lies.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  You keep playing.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Really?

• 7:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, it's hard, but like, it's just a bad break.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  I was giving you false information.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, there's, there's always, what's weird about pool is like, there's, there's like two ki- kinds of like official rules that you can play by.

• 7:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 7:24Speaker 00

  I had a feeling.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  BCA or APA?

• 7:27Speaker 00

  Where are we going by here?

• 7:28Speaker 01

  But then there's house rules, then anything goes.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  That's when, that's when people start being like, ah, didn't touch a rail, blah, blah, blah, all this stuff.

• 7:35Matt McCusker?

  Three hits or else it doesn't count?

• 7:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  That's all crud.

• 7:39Matt McCusker?

  I, I think it's a gentleman's game and I think it should be respected as such. I don't like seeing toughs and ruffians playing pool.

• 7:45Speaker 00

  I agree.

• 7:45Matt McCusker?

  I call it billiards, first of all.

• 7:46Speaker 00

  There's billions.

• 7:47Matt McCusker?

  I call it billiards.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  It's the widest spectrum of, uh, class of any sport, I think.

• 7:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  You'll see the trashiest people who are incredible at it, and then you'll see wealthy people who, those are the people who own the tables and.

• 7:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  All that.

• 8:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I used to play with my father after Falconing.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 8:06Matt McCusker?

  It's a gentleman's game, middle class, terrible at pool. If you're middle class, you're trash.

• 8:12Speaker 00

  It's a good assessment.

• 8:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think it's fair.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. You gotta be poor or super rich.

• 8:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. It's a gentleman's game.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  Nothing in between.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 8:20Matt McCusker?

  Nothing between, how, so you're, you're good though?

• 8:23Speaker 01

  I'm pretty good.

• 8:24Matt McCusker?

  Could you like, could you like bounce the ball off the wall and get it into a hole?

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  Off the wall?

• 8:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm saying like, like, I gotta be. I gotta be aimed at the pocket, you can look at it and go, I'm gonna shoot it this way, but it's gonna go in over here, that's good.

• 8:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I can do that, yeah.

• 8:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'll do that on accident and be like, caught it, got it.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  It's the only thing you can do.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  Yeah. That was, yeah, that was the pocket I was going for.

• 8:47Matt McCusker?

  For real, that was my strategy for a long time, like, I'm just gonna hit the ball and like, as hard as I can and hope shit goes in.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  It's all you can do.

• 8:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  You ever see the classic, uh, Fresh Prince episode where, uh, Uncle Phil says, break out Lucille?

• 8:57Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Jeffrey?

• 8:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:00Matt McCusker?

  It's incredible, dude. Will, Will gets in trouble, he gets in deep with the pool shark.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  And then he has to go say.

• 9:05Matt McCusker?

  Big Phil comes down, sharks, sharks the shark.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, he goes, Jeffrey, break out Lucille. And then he brings up this case, and then Uncle Phil just starts running the table, it's awesome.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  Phil from down the way. That's what they call him.

• 9:17Matt McCusker?

  Who they call him?

• 9:18Speaker 03

  Phil from down the way.

• 9:19Matt McCusker?

  Phil from down the way. Yeah, I think in the episode, uh, Will Smith was questioning, I believe, Uncle Phil's blackness maybe a little bit. I kind of remember that in the episode, he was giving him some, a hard time. Yep. But he's Phil from down the way.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, this episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Two great things are happening this month, football is back and PrizePix is celebrating nationwide with new promos every day during stacked September. Plus their social feature, you can find popular picks and copy them in just one click. PrizePix app is better than ever, so pull up this football season. Matt, with the season underway, who's your pick for the big out, biggest, uh, breakout player this season? Who do you think is gonna break out?

• 10:05Matt McCusker?

  I think Shador's gonna break out.

• 10:07Speaker 00

  I like that.

• 10:07Matt McCusker?

  I'm, I'm rooting for him to break out.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  I think that's a, that's a fair pick.

• 10:11Matt McCusker?

  Thank you, I think he's, I think he's gonna break out, man.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  I like that, I like that daddy.

• 10:15Matt McCusker?

  Thank you.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get, uh, $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, that's code DRENCH to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. PrizePix.

• 10:31Matt McCusker?

  Run your game. Uncle Phil to Will, Will from down the way to the boys.

• 10:39Matt McCusker?

  Who do you think is winning the fight, Carl Winslow or Uncle Phil?

• 10:42Speaker 01

  Uncle Phil for sure.

• 10:44Matt McCusker?

  Heard Winslow fights dirty though.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Really? Yeah, he pulls out his gun and shoots him.

• 10:49Speaker 00

  Winslow's pulling out that thing. Uncle Phil for sure, but Winslow could.

• 10:54Matt McCusker?

  No, it was, he was in the Diddy trials. Someone was claiming that Diddy clapped, or clapped Carl Winslow.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Forgot about that.

• 11:04Matt McCusker?

  Allegedly.

• 11:04Speaker 01

  Did or did he not do that?

• 11:07Matt McCusker?

  That came up in court, people were claiming that, there, there was people claiming they witnessed him getting, him getting clapped by Diddy, which is so crazy.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  Satanic.

• 11:16Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  Just taking someone's childhood like that?

• 11:18Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I know. I mean, that's a surrogate father figure to Urkel.

• 11:24Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, dude, apparently that was one, the Diddy trial was.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  I wish you wouldn't have told me that. That's gonna be seared it. He is so rare.

• 11:32Matt McCusker?

  Well, it's all alleged. It's all alleged.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  It's all allegation.

• 11:36Matt McCusker?

  It's all allegation, but I believe it came up in the court transcripts.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  You better chill.

• 11:39Matt McCusker?

  It's on the record.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  Diddy man's coming out.

• 11:41Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 11:42Speaker 00

  You better, I'm not gonna be around when he.

• 11:43Matt McCusker?

  We're going to the party.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Seeks his revenge.

• 11:45Matt McCusker?

  I thought we were going to the party.

• 11:46Speaker 00

  We're not going.

• 11:49Matt McCusker?

  I'm trying to get into the first.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  First, first Diddy party back out.

• 11:52Matt McCusker?

  He's gotta have a get out bash.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Obviously. I might throw him one.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  I'm gonna get it ready. Say Diddy's coming, I have my finest men lined up.

• 12:03Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  Frogman is gonna be lubed.

• 12:05Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  He's gonna be secreting juices.

• 12:10Matt McCusker?

  Nate, for real, you would be completely covered.

• 12:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:13Matt McCusker?

  You'd be like a reflective surface. You'd be like light gleaming off you.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  You seem like his type, for real.

• 12:18Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

• 12:19Speaker 00

  From what I've heard, from the allegedly.

• 12:20Speaker 03

  I feel like, it seems like Diddy likes more of a challenge. I'm too, I think I'm actually too small for Diddy.

• 12:25Matt McCusker?

  Hmm.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  You got the.

• 12:27Speaker 03

  Come on, man. Diddy likes a conquest. That's obvious.

• 12:30Matt McCusker?

  Well, you're saying he'd be too easy?

• 12:33Speaker 03

  I'm not saying that, god damn it.

• 12:39Speaker 00

  You're saying you're no Carl Winslow?

• 12:41Matt McCusker?

  I'm no Carl Winslow.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  I disagree. I think you are.

• 12:44Matt McCusker?

  I am Carl Winslow?

• 12:48Speaker 00

  We get you that as a shirt. That's sick.

• 12:51Speaker 03

  I'm way more Uncle Phil.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  I'm more Uncle Phil.

• 12:54Matt McCusker?

  That's, marriage is more Uncle Phil. Dude.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Uh, I'm gonna agree with that.

• 13:00Speaker 03

  I looked over and saw him a little bit.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  He has a salt and pepper even in the beard now. Yep.

• 13:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:07Matt McCusker?

  He's a judge?

• 13:08Speaker 00

  He's delighted. He's delighted.

• 13:11Matt McCusker?

  He's always judging people on Twitter?

• 13:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Now, you guys are both Winslow, and that's fine.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  There's nothing wrong with being Winslow, dude. That shit's sick.

• 13:21Matt McCusker?

  Sean's Urkel.

• 13:23Speaker 00

  Sean's got a little Urkel. Has a couple of drinks, turns into Stefan.

• 13:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:31Matt McCusker?

  Sound slightly off.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Did I do that?

• 13:35Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna try to run it through a filter.

• 13:43Matt McCusker?

  What was your favorite TGIF show? Uh, maybe, well, Boy Meets World was one of them.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Racist. Go ahead.

• 13:50Matt McCusker?

  Uh.

• 13:53Speaker 01

  Oh, the white cast one? Out of all the shows that we're talking about?

• 13:59Matt McCusker?

  Boy Meets World rocked, obviously.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Boy Meets World was really good. I don't know. Yeah, Family Matters, Fresh Prince. What was a couple of other ones that were in?

• 14:06Matt McCusker?

  Step by Step.

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Was Fresh Prince, was Fresh Prince TGIF?

• 14:10Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 14:10Speaker 00

  I don't think it was.

• 14:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 14:12Speaker 00

  I think.

• 14:12Matt McCusker?

  Oh, gotcha.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  Family, or Full House. That was a good one.

• 14:17Matt McCusker?

  Full House rocked.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:18Matt McCusker?

  Urkel, Step by Step with the Code Man. Who was, who was the guy, the fucking, uh?

• 14:23Speaker 00

  I think I remember Step by Step.

• 14:24Matt McCusker?

  What, with the Code?

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Step by Step.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  I know the song. That's all I know.

• 14:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I just, I just remember the Code Man and that, uh, fucking, who was the guy from Baywatch? Was the dad, yeah.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:34Matt McCusker?

  The guy from Baywatch.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  Suzanne Somers.

• 14:36Matt McCusker?

  Suzanne Som.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, she had the thigh workout thing.

• 14:39Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:39Matt McCusker?

  And the guy, fuck, what was his name? The guy who was like the head of Dave, no, not him. I don't know. The guy who was on Baywatch. Curly haired fellow.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:47Matt McCusker?

  Hasselhoff.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  It's not Hasselhoff.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  No, but it's another white dude who looks like him.

• 14:50Matt McCusker?

  I thought it was Hasselhoff my whole life.

• 14:52Speaker 00

  It's not.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  But I see it.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  It's a perfect stranger.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  Hanging with Mr. Cooper was.

• 14:57Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

• 14:57Speaker 00

  Awesome.

• 14:58Matt McCusker?

  Coop was nice.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Dude, he'll, he'll pop in at the Comedy Store every once in a while, still. Mark Curry? Yeah, yeah.

• 15:05Speaker 00

  Step by Step was a little before, I think.

• 15:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it might have been. It might have been.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Sabrina, Teenage Witch was awesome. I loved that cat.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Salem?

• 15:14Speaker 00

  Awesome. Salem, talking.

• 15:15Matt McCusker?

  It's funny. I feel like the Teenage Witch was like slightly after me. I remember Code Man, Urkel. That was pretty much the pinnacle. I think Step by Step was the last show on TGIF when I was, when I was a boy.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  Sabrina was right after Step by Step.

• 15:28Matt McCusker?

  Oh, okay.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  That's when I entered the TGIF universe.

• 15:31Matt McCusker?

  I was asleep.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  I just had Caroline Ray on my podcast and it was, like, I've known her for many years, but she's so funny, dude.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:38Matt McCusker?

  Nice. Was she on Sabrina?

• 15:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was one of the aunts. Yeah.

• 15:43Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by Viori.

• 15:46Speaker 00

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• 15:51Matt McCusker?

  The core shorts work for pretty much anything. Gym, errands, hanging around the house, whatever.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Matt, and the Strato Tech tee? Insanely soft. You're gonna wanna wear it 24/7.

• 16:03Matt McCusker?

  Everything is comfortable but looks good at the same time. It just works.

• 16:06Speaker 00

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• 16:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I probably wasn't allowed to watch witchcraft. That was probably, cause I never watched that.

• 16:25Matt McCusker?

  Witches were hot. There was Charmed.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  It was.

• 16:27Matt McCusker?

  Sabrina. It was Luffy.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  It was just practical magic that movie just came.

• 16:32Speaker 00

  What was the movie with the hot, Sarah Jessica Parker was one of the witches?

• 16:36Matt McCusker?

  The Covenant?

• 16:36Speaker 00

  It's a very famous movie.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  The Craft?

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Hocus Pocus.

• 16:40Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  Also, I didn't.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  The Saunders sisters.

• 16:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 16:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:43Speaker 00

  Babes. Even the thick type one.

• 16:46Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 16:47Speaker 00

  Thick type.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  Give me the pog.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  The pog could get it in that.

• 16:49Matt McCusker?

  The pog witch?

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Thick pog.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  Pog.

• 16:53Matt McCusker?

  We need an eye of fog.

• 16:54Speaker 00

  Witch girl.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Those are my types.

• 17:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was the era of heart shaped honeys for sure.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Of yesteryear, yes. Yes. I recall quite fondly.

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Tell you what I'm dealing with. I trimmed my mustache a little too short.

• 17:12Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 17:12Speaker 00

  A little short.

• 17:13Matt McCusker?

  You think so?

• 17:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:14Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean, what are you missing?

• 17:15Speaker 00

  There's usually a little more on the side.

• 17:16Matt McCusker?

  Are you saying you're slow, inching towards, you're slowly inching towards greatness?

• 17:22Speaker 00

  It's getting closer and closer.

• 17:25Matt McCusker?

  You should claim alopecia. Like, bro, it's fucking falling out right there.

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Just right here, you have alopecia?

• 17:32Speaker 00

  I was watching an interview, or I was watching a documentary last night. One of the guys had blonde on the side and black in the middle.

• 17:40Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 17:40Speaker 00

  Like, it was like, that's how his hair grew.

• 17:42Speaker 01

  Hmm, the Siberian Huskies of mustaches.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  For real. And it was like, bro, just, you can't have a mustache.

• 17:47Matt McCusker?

  He had a blonde, basically.

• 17:48Speaker 00

  You could barely see it on the sides, and then a Hitler.

• 17:51Matt McCusker?

  He had a little soft top.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  I mean, it was.

• 17:54Matt McCusker?

  Put the roof down, shaved the sides off.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  It was enough that, bro, you're, you should just not have mustaches.

• 17:58Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Although, bro, if you had a fucking blonde patch in your stash, you'd wanna show that off. Even if it like.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  I'm telling you, it was, he had a Hitler.

• 18:08Matt McCusker?

  If I were him, I'd be like, get your mind out of the Eagles nest, dude. Stop thinking about.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  There's nowhere else to go. The second, I mean, it was, it was the, it was the one about the, the girl, last name is Smart, I forget, Lindsay Smart? The girl who got kidnapped? Amy Smart. And, uh.

• 18:23Matt McCusker?

  Wait, her last name is what?

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Smart.

• 18:26Matt McCusker?

  That's weird. Go ahead.

• 18:27Speaker 00

  Why?

• 18:30Matt McCusker?

  I'm kidding. Just a joke.

• 18:31Speaker 01

  She got kidnapped, huh? And her last name's what?

• 18:34Matt McCusker?

  Her name was Amy Smart got kidnapped.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  She got kidnapped.

• 18:37Matt McCusker?

  By who?

• 18:37Speaker 00

  It was a tough one. Right out of her room.

• 18:39Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 18:40Speaker 00

  Guy cut through the window, came in the middle of the night. Her daughter, the other daughter was sleeping next to her, and he was like, you fucking scream, I'll fucking kill you.

• 18:48Matt McCusker?

  How old was she?

• 18:49Speaker 00

  The, how old? 14.

• 18:51Matt McCusker?

  Jeez Louise.

• 18:53Speaker 00

  Tough, tough story.

• 18:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  But, uh, in that, in the middle of a Hitler mustache guy's talking about it, you go.

• 19:00Matt McCusker?

  What the fuck?

• 19:01Speaker 00

  He's a suspect.

• 19:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 19:04Speaker 00

  And then the best, though, is her uncle, one of her uncles, they're all Mormons. It was in Salt Lake, and then one of the uncles just gave an unhinged fucking interview. He's like, this is a blessing. This, you know, whoever did it, he's probably an amazing guy. He's just having a tough time. And, uh, we're, uh, everyone was like, well, that guy did it.

• 19:25Matt McCusker?

  Did he?

• 19:26Speaker 00

  Clearly that guy.

• 19:27Matt McCusker?

  Did he do it?

• 19:27Speaker 00

  He didn't do it.

• 19:28Matt McCusker?

  Who did, who done it?

• 19:29Speaker 00

  Uh, some freak who thought he was, uh, God, a messenger from God. He was like, I need a bride. Him and his wife captured this girl, took her out to a tent in the mountains for like a year.

• 19:40Matt McCusker?

  Jeez.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  Disgusting.

• 19:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, bad stuff.

• 19:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. Anyway.

• 19:46Matt McCusker?

  How long's the doc?

• 19:47Speaker 00

  Guy had a Hitler mustache in that doc. And the uncle gave the funniest interview I've ever seen.

• 19:52Matt McCusker?

  He tried to find the brave's bright side in it.

• 19:54Speaker 00

  He was, he said he hasn't slept in five days. It was five days after it happened.

• 19:58Matt McCusker?

  Oh, Jesus.

• 19:58Speaker 00

  He was like, I was losing my mind. I'd sat down, did an interview, and he was like, the guy whoever did it's probably cool. And, uh, he was like, dude, it's you.

• 20:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  It's obviously you. And the rest of his family was like, shut the fuck up, dude. And then he's doing interviews where he's like, you know, not all of us get along. We're family. I don't really like my brothers that much. I'm like, dude, shut the fuck up.

• 20:20Matt McCusker?

  Crazy.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was great.

• 20:21Matt McCusker?

  I haven't watched a good.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  Turns out he was innocent.

• 20:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's good. They got the fucking guy. Jail? I guess the guy's in jail forever, yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  Babe released.

• 20:30Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 20:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, the guy's wife, who was 100% in on it. They, they love giving women fucking zero. She's out.

• 20:39Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 20:39Speaker 00

  She's out chilling right now.

• 20:41Matt McCusker?

  She's probably having a tough time.

• 20:43Speaker 00

  She's probably a great guy. Whoever did it.

• 20:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, they're just a little screwed up.

• 20:49Matt McCusker?

  You see any good docs lately?

• 20:52Speaker 01

  I'm trying to think. Not off the top. Uh, I saw that, uh, there's a little bit ago. It was like a, the John Candy doc.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was good.

• 21:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was good.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  It's pretty wonderful.

• 21:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  You catch that John Candy?

• 21:05Matt McCusker?

  Mm-mm.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  It's nice.

• 21:06Matt McCusker?

  Haven't seen that. I told you, the only thing I saw, it wasn't even a doc, it was just a, uh, YouTube discussion on cuckoldry. That was the last long form thing I saw.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  What were your final thoughts? Oh, yeah, the guy who was like.

• 21:16Matt McCusker?

  Talking about the rats. Yeah, yeah. They're basically saying in the animal.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  Okay, I put out a front facing video about it. Okay, it's not technically a documentary, but.

• 21:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was just, it was a long, it was a long conversation.

• 21:29Speaker 01

  You're right, right.

• 21:29Matt McCusker?

  Long form. So, long form, it's good. I like long form conversations.

• 21:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was, there's scientists out there. There's scientists out there that like specialize in like animal cuckoldry. And they, they put like rats, they're pair bonded animals, in tanks, and they'll take the rat wife and put it in the tank of a boy rat.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  And make him watch the other rats fuck his wife.

• 21:51Matt McCusker?

  The male rat has to watch his rat wife get just plowed by this horny stranger rat. And then they drop the woman back in the tank, and the male rat is just like ravenous over her. So, same with birds, same thing. The bird even suspects cheating. It's on when they get back.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 22:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, so, it's pretty weird.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  You sent me a link?

• 22:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 22:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, so don't feel bad, that's all I'm saying.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  So it's fine.

• 22:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 22:19Speaker 00

  Happens to rats.

• 22:20Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  Could happen to anybody.

• 22:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. It is, I'll say this, though. I feel like the ultimate victory, if you do get cuckolded, is just to go full moral high ground and be like, this is my child. Because you can't, if you, it's a moment you're like, what the fuck, you've lost. You gotta be like, yeah, fine. Weird you did that, but this is my child, and we're in a family. Then you just slowly psychologically torture the woman for the rest of her life. That's what I would do.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, you would stay in it, you'd stay?

• 22:46Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the more, you'd have the upper moral hand, you'd just go like, wow, really fucked up you did that. Uh, so you could take him to soccer practice. Take this bastard to soccer practice.

• 22:57Matt McCusker?

  This son of a whore to a soccer practice, please.

• 23:00Speaker 01

  But would you treat the kid really well in front of the, right? But then as soon as he's out of the room?

• 23:05Matt McCusker?

  I'd treat him better than my other kids.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  Oh, put him on a pedestal.

• 23:09Matt McCusker?

  I'd put him on a, way up on a pedestal.

• 23:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, you could torture your kids with it.

• 23:12Matt McCusker?

  Exactly. Because I'd be like, why didn't you tell me, Mommy, fucking left? You should have known.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  You could have complete domination over your entire family.

• 23:20Matt McCusker?

  And then I would just hand that kid all of my business. But then the final thing before I died, it would be like a complete empty thing, all my money would be somewhere else, and I would leave him marooned. Then I would die.

• 23:32Matt McCusker?

  So, that's my plan.

• 23:32Speaker 00

  Is that what the rats do?

• 23:36Speaker 01

  Well, I don't know, you gotta have a game plan. I want to see this spinoff of Succession immediately.

• 23:42Matt McCusker?

  I feel like everyone should have a cuckoldry game plan, because it can't happen.

• 23:46Matt McCusker?

  And dude, it'd be so easy, a woman can cuckold you so easily.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  I want you to go into schools across the country.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  With like rats in cages? Instead of like earthquake, like tests, and like, like school shooter, like drills.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Put a rat in another tank, be like, see? See?

• 24:01Matt McCusker?

  It can happen to literally any of us.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  It's nature. So what happened to, not me.

• 24:07Speaker 00

  Has not happened to me.

• 24:09Matt McCusker?

  I was saying, it is funny, because in the conversation, the guy who's like hosting it, is, you can tell he's really grappling with like, how it affects human beings, and the fact that it's like, probable to guess that this turns humans on, and the whole time he's like, he's got a foreign accent, he's like, I would, if someone did that to my girlfriend, it would not turn me on at all. I don't have one, but I get furious thinking about what would happen if that did happen, and it's like, bro, relax.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:36Matt McCusker?

  It is fun.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Clearly turns you on.

• 24:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  It pulls out of the video, he's rock hard.

• 24:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'd be sad more than anything, I don't think I'd be turned on at all, I'd be heartbroken.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  Certainly.

• 24:52Matt McCusker?

  For real, I'd be too heartbroken.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  I mean, the theory of all of this is like, oh dude, I would hold it over.

• 25:01Matt McCusker?

  Some guys do report that they're so angry in the moment of betrayal, but they, they're like, I'm undeniably turned on by this. Which adds, I think, like a really tragic dimension. So.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's how you find out that that's your thing?

• 25:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 25:14Speaker 01

  The hard way.

• 25:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:15Matt McCusker?

  You gotta go to couples counseling and be like, yeah, I was just fucking hard as hell, I'm really mad at her, but undeniably turned on, it pisses me off. So. Yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 00

  So.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. You're crazy.

• 25:30Matt McCusker?

  I'm, I'm crazy.

• 25:31Speaker 00

  You're wild, man.

• 25:33Matt McCusker?

  Crazy, I'm just, look, guys, I'm just trying to think of topics. You guys ask me what I watch, that's the last thing, long format.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  We didn't ask.

• 25:39Matt McCusker?

  Did I just mention?

• 25:42Speaker 00

  We didn't ask? I was trying to talk about Hitler mustache and the kidnapping, and you're like, I saw a cuckold thing.

• 25:46Matt McCusker?

  Let's go back, let's go back Hitler mustache. No, we asked, we asked Jeremiah, and I felt like I should, I should share as well. So. So what else? What's new and shaking?

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Hello? Yeah, I've done a couple times with him now, I do an AI Harland Williams, I do some, like AI impression, do like Mark Norman and Harland, and some different people, and Harland's a very fun one to do.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Do you do Mark?

• 26:09Speaker 01

  What's up?

• 26:10Speaker 00

  Can you do Mark?

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Hey, hey. Comedy.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  That's pretty good.

• 26:14Matt McCusker?

  Perfect.

• 26:15Speaker 00

  That's it?

• 26:15Speaker 01

  Just sitting here with a couple homos.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  Hell, yeah.

• 26:21Matt McCusker?

  But that's, that's AI. What, what, exactly, I can see this.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it's AI, so it doesn't look perfect, you know, like it's my, so like, you can, like, like, you can ask it questions, like, it'll, it'll.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  How come we can't use saltwater in data centers?

• 26:34Matt McCusker?

  There you go.

• 26:36Speaker 01

  Ah, because of the kid fucking.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  That's exactly right. It's actually probably the correct answer.

• 26:45Matt McCusker?

  It's almost scary how advanced that AI is.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  That AI just nailed that.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Really is?

• 26:51Speaker 00

  Really doing it, fatty?

• 26:52Matt McCusker?

  That's great.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 26:55Matt McCusker?

  Now you have to do it the whole time.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 27:02Matt McCusker?

  Do you ever, when you go to do an impression, do you ever feel like you don't have like the impression sauce of that moment? That's the worst, dude, yeah. It's the worst.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, when someone says, do that impression.

• 27:11Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:12Speaker 00

  Fuck, I can't.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  No, no, some, some, some come right away because they're naturally in your register.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  That you get right away, like, I, I don't know how long it took you to get like your Trump down, but like, sometimes it just like, some of them, you're easy, it's easier to fall into than others.

• 27:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  If I'm doing like Irish or Australian or British or anything, I can only do one at a time. Like whichever one I can do like that year. I can't switch. I don't know what happens, and then I'll get stuck.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  Like you're Irish for that calendar year?

• 27:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can do an Irish accent. And then it's like, I can do an Australian, and then I can't.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  All the SNL sketch writers are like, so what accent are you this year?

• 27:52Speaker 00

  It's Irish this season.

• 27:53Matt McCusker?

  It's hard to switch back and forth. Especially like Irish and Australian, because it's like, you're like, wait, how did I say that again? Oh.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, what, like, what would be a sentence that you would try to do? Like to go.

• 28:06Matt McCusker?

  Australian, I'm gonna hit beauty, you go, beauty. Oh, she's beaut.

• 28:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, there are words that get.

• 28:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, get into it.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:13Matt McCusker?

  Dude, how about, how do you feel about the Australian lady who shit her pants at the high rocks competition?

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Oh, the.

• 28:18Matt McCusker?

  Did you see that?

• 28:18Speaker 00

  What, what was she doing?

• 28:20Matt McCusker?

  She was doing a high rocks, it's like a fitness competition.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I saw that, massive dump.

• 28:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, massive diarrhea.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:26Matt McCusker?

  And then she kept going. She was in China too, by the way.

• 28:29Speaker 00

  I mean, oh, they probably had no problem.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  They probably had zero issue, yeah.

• 28:35Matt McCusker?

  Well, I think it was, my theory was, uh, their shame culture's so like strong there, I think it's just unthinkable to like stop a race in front of people and be like, you shit yourself, get out.

• 28:45Speaker 00

  I think they, don't they dump outside?

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Isn't that a bit of an issue?

• 28:50Matt McCusker?

  It could be.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  Chinese immigrants taking dumps outside?

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, I thought it'd be the opposite in China, like, I thought it was Indian guys taking dumps outside, allegedly.

• 28:56Speaker 00

  I think that.

• 28:57Matt McCusker?

  No, I heard Indian guys on the beach, I've heard that, I don't know if that's true.

• 29:00Speaker 00

  They're cats.

• 29:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:03Matt McCusker?

  I heard that.

• 29:04Speaker 00

  They see sand.

• 29:08Matt McCusker?

  Although taking a dump on the, on the beach would be nice. But.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  Would, if you took a dump on the beach, would you like kick your feet back?

• 29:15Speaker 00

  You have to.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  You have to.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  You gotta dig a hole, lay on your butt.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  Litter back.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Lay flat. Conceal the hole, lay flat.

• 29:23Matt McCusker?

  I would have, I would have my kids bury my legs, and then I would shit in the sand.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  And stand straight up. Did fake sandals.

• 29:31Matt McCusker?

  And I'd build a castle over it.

• 29:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a nice thing. That way, when a kid comes by to kick your sand castle, you go, bag's on you, dickhead. I shit at the beach.

• 29:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, let me bury your legs actually in this hole, you bury them with a turd.

• 29:46Speaker 00

  Let's find out who's dumping outside, uh.

• 29:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, who is dumping outside?

• 29:49Speaker 00

  I think San Francisco is running into a Chinese dump out, outdoor problem. Could be wrong.

• 29:54Matt McCusker?

  I feel like there's a lot of suspects in San Francisco.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  San Francisco's homeless dumps as well, without a doubt. They got security footage.

• 30:00Matt McCusker?

  Oh, really?

• 30:01Speaker 00

  AI, they're covering that whole area.

• 30:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 30:04Speaker 00

  This guy's wearing khakis.

• 30:05Speaker 03

  My guess, I didn't find it yet, but my guess would be the Chinese, because I know that in China, in like Hong Kong, they're having problems with like mainland China people coming to the cities.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Dumping out.

• 30:15Speaker 03

  And dumping all over the place.

• 30:17Matt McCusker?

  That's what it tells all the time.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  That would be enough to keep me independent, if I was Taiwan. If I go, they, we can't lose this island, dude, they just come over here and shit, they're gonna dump.

• 30:26Matt McCusker?

  Isn't that China as a whole, though? It's the coastal elites, and it's like Chinese hillbillies in the middle.

• 30:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:31Matt McCusker?

  It's like the outback.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  They have like signs up like.

• 30:34Speaker 04

  I've heard about Japan too, they like gotta tell them not to eat the pigeons and not poop in the street and stuff. Like the Asian hillbillies will come to the big cities and.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  Grab the pigeons.

• 30:45Speaker 04

  Grab the pigeons and poop.

• 30:46Matt McCusker?

  Well, grab the piggyodos.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, they capture them.

• 30:52Speaker 00

  Let's get to the bottom of the street dump.

• 30:53Matt McCusker?

  True, let's, yeah, let's make sure we're dealing in truth.

• 30:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, we need to fact check this podcast.

• 30:57Speaker 04

  Google Gemini is saying, according to UNICEF and the World Health Organization.

• 31:03Matt McCusker?

  Such a funny body to go through.

• 31:06Speaker 04

  That India, South Asia, and Sub-Saharan Africa are the most likely to.

• 31:12Speaker 00

  Most likely to dump outside, because I know, yeah, that documentary, there's a couple documentaries about Africa where they go, we can't even use the beach.

• 31:20Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 31:21Speaker 00

  It's covered in dumps, dude.

• 31:23Speaker 04

  China could be fudging the numbers, though.

• 31:25Matt McCusker?

  True. I, uh. That's true, they're probably fudging the UNICEF street crap numbers.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  When I took a road trip from Kansas to California before I'd moved out there, I went with a group of buddies, and we didn't look at the signage at one of the beaches very well. And we were, we thought that it was like heavy saltwater in the ocean. Like when we were out there, we were like gagging a lot and stuff, and we're like, and then we get out of the water, and there's signage that said that it was like toxic water, there was like spill off like from Coronado, like, like.

• 31:57Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I've heard about that.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  It was like, it was like a poop beach, that we were like.

• 32:00Matt McCusker?

  You were at, you were at a pooed beach.

• 32:06Speaker 00

  It's always the guys. It's never the women at the pooed beach. It's never the poo you want to see.

• 32:12Speaker 01

  I should have known right away. There's no women there.

• 32:14Matt McCusker?

  I've heard that about Coronado.

• 32:15Speaker 01

  It was, dude, it was brutal.

• 32:17Matt McCusker?

  I was talking to some Navy SEALs and they had to do their training there and the shit, they were saying that there's like a shit pipe from Mexico.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 32:23Matt McCusker?

  That runs right up into Coronado. So you're in there doing training and you're like, ah, there's this fucking turd.

• 32:29Speaker 00

  Stomp from the southern border.

• 32:31Speaker 01

  It was.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  We gotta build a wall there.

• 32:34Matt McCusker?

  Bro, seawall.

• 32:35Speaker 00

  That's one everybody can agree with.

• 32:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  Can we agree on that one?

• 32:38Speaker 01

  I just saw that right before y'all got to it and their catchphrase that they're yelling, there's an activist group that yells, stop the poop. Like that's their whole thing is stop.

• 32:47Matt McCusker?

  I mean, San Diego is beautiful. Did not be able to get in the water.

• 32:50Speaker 01

  All right, we need a catchphrase. We need something direct. What is it gonna be? Stop the poop.

• 32:56Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I'd much rather deal with a jellyfish than like a.

• 32:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:59Matt McCusker?

  A corn pocked turd.

• 33:04Speaker 00

  A Mexican jellyfish.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  Mexican jellyfish, you have to crap on it instead of be on it, like you get the sting off your body.

• 33:13Matt McCusker?

  That would be upsetting for sure.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  San Diego just be set upon all sides.

• 33:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  You go in there, you're like, this is like the perfect city.

• 33:21Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 33:21Speaker 00

  And crackhead bum chases you, poop water.

• 33:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 33:25Speaker 00

  Otherwise, perfect city.

• 33:27Matt McCusker?

  I, dude, it's, I couldn't agree more. Every time I go there, it's too, like I'm, I always stay in the gas lamp, which is like their party area. You get out of like doing a show and you're like, this is fu, this is like hell. Just like drunk women in dresses, like up to their tits, just like falling over. You're like, God, this is like sad. I saw a lady that had to bring out a wheelchair for her. She was so drunk. And she was just like in a wheelchair and like a short, like, you know, club, super short dress and it was just wide open. She was just like sitting there. I was like, Jesus Christ. God damn it.

• 33:56Speaker 00

  Shame.

• 33:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Tried to help her, but I offered a wheelchair.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  I'll take it from here, fellas.

• 34:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I'll wheel her to the hospital.

• 34:05Speaker 01

  I'll take her home.

• 34:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, no, it's, it's sad. Every time in San Diego, I've heard it's like the perfect place and I'm always like, I don't know, man.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Well, that downtown area is a nightmare, but yeah, you have to go to the beaches and, and just like get out of like that main party area. Then it's good.

• 34:21Matt McCusker?

  That's what I've heard. But then dude, like I've, I've walked to like Balboa, is that one park?

• 34:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a nice park.

• 34:26Matt McCusker?

  I walked up to Balboa, I saw two bleeding homeless guys.

• 34:29Speaker 01

  Bleeding?

• 34:29Matt McCusker?

  Bleeding. Both of them had like bleeding wounds and they came towards me. I was like, oh my God.

• 34:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:35Matt McCusker?

  Bleeding homeless is crazy.

• 34:36Speaker 00

  Bleeding homeless is tough.

• 34:37Matt McCusker?

  Bleeding homeless is.

• 34:41Matt McCusker?

  It was, and it was like, you know, one or two, fine. But it was like, it was like a dozen homeless guys at the top. Yeah, it was a, yeah.

• 34:48Speaker 00

  What is a group of bums called?

• 34:51Speaker 00

  That's what I said. Well, there's gotta be another one.

• 34:53Matt McCusker?

  There's gotta be a term for a group of bums.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  A murder.

• 34:56Matt McCusker?

  Murder of bums?

• 34:58Speaker 00

  A rascal?

• 34:59Matt McCusker?

  Well, they used to gather, they used to call it a convention when they'd all gather up back in like the old.

• 35:03Speaker 00

  Could call it a convention of bums.

• 35:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's, it was the old glory days. They would call it a convention.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  Tent?

• 35:08Matt McCusker?

  Tent of bums would be nice. Yeah, you'd have to like, if you had a farm, you'd have to like wake up in the morning, like shake them out of your hay bales. Call the police, the constable will come, lock them up for.

• 35:16Speaker 01

  Getting their get.

• 35:17Matt McCusker?

  Vagrancy.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  There's, there's no, there's no true term, but the only slang term that comes up is a hobo jungle.

• 35:24Matt McCusker?

  Hobo jungle.

• 35:25Speaker 01

  Hobo jungle. Everything else is encampment, tent city, tent city, shit like that.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  Sounds kinda homosexual to me.

• 35:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the, the old glory days of hobos are over. They, they were cool for a while.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  Oh, like, yeah, hopping on the back of trains and different things like that. The handkerchiefs, the, the, the bindles, like with the sticks and the, the different things like that.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Can of beans, bindle. Good stuff.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  Do you remember the, did you see Dennis the Menace?

• 35:51Speaker 00

  That's why I said, bro.

• 35:54Speaker 01

  Him force feeding Christopher Lloyd. So much bean.

• 35:59Matt McCusker?

  Every, every time I see someone slicing an apple and eat the slice, I think of the bum from Dennis the Menace.

• 36:04Speaker 01

  Yes. It's such, ah, yeah, it's seared.

• 36:07Speaker 00

  The bum from Dennis the Menace was, yeah.

• 36:09Speaker 01

  That's an underrated character, Christopher Lloyd in that. It's so good.

• 36:13Matt McCusker?

  Killed it. I still think about him.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  His belly, just the shots are so gross.

• 36:18Matt McCusker?

  And what was the problem? The bum came to like terrorize the city? Well, I don't even remember the plot. I just remember the bum.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  One bum. Back in the day, that used to be like, holy fuck, there's a homeless guy.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  There's one.

• 36:27Speaker 00

  Now it's like.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  And now there's two bums bleeding, just walking towards the McCusker in a park.

• 36:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  He's like, yeah, that's my Friday.

• 36:35Matt McCusker?

  Think about it a lot. You know, no one knows what to do with those guys. You build them houses, then they OD inside. So it's like, all right, good, let's get back outside. It happens. It's a big thing.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course.

• 36:44Matt McCusker?

  So you gotta give them back outside. Maybe a greenhouse.

• 36:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, they start growing out of the ground.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  Terrarium.

• 36:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. You get, you know, temperature controlled, obviously, but here we go.

• 36:56Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 36:57Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by BlueChew, the number one brand for better sex. BlueChew just dropped something crazy, BlueChew Gold.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:07Matt McCusker?

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• 37:11Speaker 01

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• 37:12Matt McCusker?

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• 37:24Speaker 00

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• 37:25Matt McCusker?

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• 37:31Speaker 00

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• 37:33Matt McCusker?

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• 38:08Speaker 00

  You know what's nice about that three months is it's football season.

• 38:11Matt McCusker?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 38:12Speaker 00

  And what a better way to reward your partner with, you know, hey, I'm gonna be watching TV. I'm gonna be watching football all day. She or he gets a little grumpy with you.

• 38:20Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  And you go, watch this. I'm gonna knock that attitude right out of you.

• 38:25Matt McCusker?

  Bro.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  BlueChew Gold.

• 38:27Matt McCusker?

  Woo.

• 38:28Speaker 00

  So, think about that.

• 38:29Matt McCusker?

  The re, hit her with the real deal.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  Or him.

• 38:32Matt McCusker?

  Hit her with a hammer.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  Or him.

• 38:34Matt McCusker?

  Or him, for sure. Here we go, guys. Oh, please this weekend, please come.

• 38:40Speaker 00

  Please, pretty please.

• 38:41Matt McCusker?

  Real Oak, Michigan. That one's looking good. Good on you, Michigan. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, at the Riverside Theater. I got a show, it's, it's this Saturday, guys. I don't know how ticket sales are.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  It's your deal.

• 38:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, for real, guy. Milwaukee, come on. I've been telling the country, you guys have the best steakhouse in America and you show me nothing but hatred.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 38:58Matt McCusker?

  Uh, Charlotte, North Carolina, then I'll be in Jacksonville, Florida, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Fort Lauderdale, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Orlando, Newark, New Jersey. Guys, don't embarrass me there. It's a 3,000 seater.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  You're not humiliating.

• 39:10Matt McCusker?

  Really fucking bugging out about that. Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, San Diego, Sacramento.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. Let's get in here. Stand in front of the camera. Stand, stand in front of it.

• 39:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  In front of it. That's the side of it. Get in front.

• 39:29Speaker 05

  Hey, everyone, it's me, La Mer. Uh, and yeah, please come see me on October 8th in Indianapolis for Let's Fest. And October 10th in Marion, Illinois for another festival, Yummy's. And then.

• 39:44Speaker 05

  At the Creek and Cave, off the Noctis, the first day Tuesday. And also, you know, at the end of the month, I'll be in Jacksonville at River City Comedy. Come check that out too. And Orlando.

• 39:52Speaker 01

  I couldn't hear you.

• 39:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 39:55Speaker 05

  Leave it.

• 39:56Matt McCusker?

  You did it too fast.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  It's all right. No, it's good.

• 40:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. No one knows what to do. But you, you live in California way, right?

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:06Matt McCusker?

  Where, whereabouts roughly? You don't have to give your.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  Uh, like mid-city.

• 40:10Matt McCusker?

  Got you.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. It's like between, like, it's like a little bit west of like Koreatown and like just south of Hollywood.

• 40:19Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it's like 15 minutes.

• 40:20Matt McCusker?

  Oh, the bums.

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Uh, in that area, they're, they're pretty chill. They're not like, it's not like super active. They kinda keep to themselves. It's more the Hollywood bums that like, those are the people who like.

• 40:33Matt McCusker?

  Trying to make it.

• 40:33Speaker 01

  They were trying to make it or they were there for a specific reason and now they've just like gone off their rocker. But like, if you're out of the Hollywood area, then it's a little bit more normal.

• 40:42Matt McCusker?

  Chill bums.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, more chill, like, you know, just trying to get by, kind of a thing. Not like, not like, can I do five minutes on your show?

• 40:53Matt McCusker?

  I like a good humble bum.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  Right.

• 40:56Matt McCusker?

  I also like when they tell jokes or have like some sort of craft. I, I always respect that.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 41:01Matt McCusker?

  Come up.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Like if they have a funny like cardboard.

• 41:03Matt McCusker?

  Funny cardboard is like, I'll, I'll, yeah, I've.

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Funny cardboard's good.

• 41:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 00

  Paint yourself silver, stand on a box, pretend to be a robot.

• 41:09Matt McCusker?

  Perfect.

• 41:10Speaker 00

  Great bum.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  A good reveal sign, like give me a dollar and then it folds down and I won't have sex with your wife. And you're like, huh, okay, here you go.

• 41:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I saw a guy in San Francisco one time. He had carved a giant mouth out of like, he had like a cardboard box. He sat in, he would go, give me money. And he would just yell horrible, you had to feed him dollars.

• 41:29Matt McCusker?

  I was like, I would have sat there all day and just shoved money into this fucking box.

• 41:32Speaker 00

  There's a Tiger Woods golf bum next to the cellar.

• 41:34Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 41:35Speaker 00

  Comedy cellar. You guys ever see him? He's great. He has little cardboard boxes. He dresses like a golfer and you hit the golf ball across the street.

• 41:42Matt McCusker?

  Bro.

• 41:43Speaker 00

  Guy's awesome. I think that actually might be his, yeah, his Tiger Hood. Yeah.

• 41:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a good, good hustle.

• 41:49Matt McCusker?

  I like a good.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  He might have a house by now. He's been that hustle.

• 41:52Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 41:52Speaker 00

  Good hustle.

• 41:54Matt McCusker?

  Paid up.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  Do you think he's committed to the part and has like gotten multiple DUIs and stuff too?

• 41:59Speaker 00

  I'd say, yeah, you think he goes full Tiger? Probably. He flips his car occasionally, calls the president. I'm sure he's gotten pulled over and be like, I'm calling the president.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  No, you're not.

• 42:09Matt McCusker?

  I want the Tiger comeback so bad.

• 42:11Speaker 00

  He's done it before.

• 42:12Matt McCusker?

  We all do. Yeah. Everyone's rooting for that guy. I hope he knows it. Everyone wants to see Tiger dominate. It would be.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  Everyone loves Tiger. How's Romo doing after the DUI?

• 42:22Matt McCusker?

  Recent DUI?

• 42:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, he got DUI before the season. I think they fired him.

• 42:25Matt McCusker?

  Didn't he fall off his motorcycle too or something? I'm thinking of Roethlis, I'm thinking of Roethlis, man. Romo got the DUI.

• 42:33Speaker 00

  Romo called Dewey.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:37Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Smiling. Great DUI shot.

• 42:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, he knows the boys are gonna love it. The whole time.

• 42:45Speaker 04

  Sorry, don't wait on me. I'm trying. I'm sorry, I was trying to look up.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  Got some of the best producers.

• 42:52Speaker 00

  You ask me a question, they just answer themselves. They don't look anything up.

• 42:56Matt McCusker?

  No Romo.

• 42:59Speaker 04

  So far, he's just been hit with some fines.

• 43:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, he's not working.

• 43:06Matt McCusker?

  They kicked him off the team because he got a DUI?

• 43:08Speaker 00

  He's an announcer.

• 43:10Matt McCusker?

  What? Oh, oh yeah, I was gonna say, he's been, he's an old dog.

• 43:13Speaker 00

  He's a great announcer.

• 43:14Matt McCusker?

  You kind of want your announcers getting a little D.

• 43:16Speaker 00

  You want the announcers a little sauce up.

• 43:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:18Speaker 00

  Adds to the game.

• 43:19Speaker 04

  He had a point one five. Almost dub at the legal limit.

• 43:23Matt McCusker?

  What if this is what?

• 43:24Speaker 00

  Shouldn't have been driving, but come on, man. Point one five?

• 43:27Speaker 04

  We were saying, yeah, if he was in Dallas, that would have never happened.

• 43:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:31Matt McCusker?

  Where'd he get pulled over?

• 43:32Speaker 04

  Wisconsin.

• 43:34Speaker 00

  Wisconsin, you'd think that would never happen.

• 43:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:36Speaker 00

  Wisconsin, they'd be like, point one five, you're fucking sober, brother. God damn.

• 43:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's unfortunate. So is he just suspended? He better get back on the desk.

• 43:47Speaker 00

  He'll get back. He might, yeah.

• 43:49Speaker 04

  Can't drive for six months.

• 43:51Matt McCusker?

  No problem.

• 43:53Speaker 04

  Then he's gonna have to blow.

• 43:55Matt McCusker?

  Oh, he's gonna get the thing?

• 43:57Speaker 00

  Breathalyzer in the whip? For one DUI? Is that his first?

• 44:02Matt McCusker?

  Wait, what happened?

• 44:04Speaker 05

  He admitted to overreliance on alcohol. He pleaded not guilt, or no contest, but he admitted to being overreliant.

• 44:10Matt McCusker?

  So he can get the treatment plan, basically?

• 44:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:12Matt McCusker?

  Oh, getting the blow thing in your car. That thing stinks. You gotta keep blowing in it too, because you usually get.

• 44:19Speaker 04

  Stop.

• 44:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it'll stop. I used to work with a guy who would always be late. It was because he would get his wife to blow in it for him, and then he would try driving it, and it would just stop, and he would go, oh, I'm actually stuck it, wah wah, I got it. I'm like, bro, you're drunk. See you, see you at 10 o'clock.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  I had somebody recently, a weekend of shows that I did, that was taking me to Morning Press to do radio to promote the shows. And we're having a conversation just like this, and then all of a sudden I hear this really weird noise, and he goes, excuse me.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  And then tries to resume the conversation with me.

• 44:54Speaker 00

  Was it in the state of Missouri, or where was it? What state? Give me the state.

• 44:59Speaker 01

  I'm trying to remember what.

• 45:01Speaker 00

  There's some good, there's some good club owners and guys that'll drive you.

• 45:04Speaker 01

  Dude, and he tried to resume it, like it was like nothing. He's like, so you were saying, I just started dying laughing. I go, bro, really? I had to acknowledge, it was like, like, that's kind of hilarious that you tried to just roll with that seamlessly. Like, it was so loud, and like, he was like turning red, he was blowing so hard, like, while he's still driving and like, looking at me and like.

• 45:26Matt McCusker?

  Dude, he's gotta, he's gotta be like, this is my brother's car, fucking piece of shit.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  Dude, I had a, one of my guy news older brother caught one, and his car was his mom's van. They had to install it in his mom's van.

• 45:39Matt McCusker?

  So now she can't drink and drive, which is bullshit.

• 45:41Speaker 00

  Nah, she's not allowed.

• 45:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's fucking nonsense. And then you have it on there for a while. So another first one's like a slap on the wrist, second one's, I think, weekends? Third is definitely jail time.

• 45:54Speaker 01

  Weekends?

• 45:55Speaker 00

  Weekends.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  You get to see your car every other weekend?

• 45:58Speaker 00

  Dude, we used to, me and Blizz loved the, there was a kid, we knew that did comedy, who had weekend jail.

• 46:04Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  Had to get dropped off.

• 46:05Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 46:06Speaker 00

  And we were just, we're just laughing about the, the guys inside being like, oh, he's coming. Like a guy like, oh, what's up, boy, it's the weekend. Trying to run a fade right now? Like, aw, fuck. It's just a guy waiting inside. Fuck, it's Friday, I gotta go fight this fuck.

• 46:22Matt McCusker?

  Delaware County has the DUI hut. It's like, it's the weekenders, all, all the DUI guys go.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  Probably a hoot in there.

• 46:29Matt McCusker?

  It's probably awesome, dude.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  Probably great.

• 46:32Matt McCusker?

  Fire up the sweets, the peanut butter crackers.

• 46:37Speaker 00

  Probably a hoot, dude.

• 46:41Speaker 04

  If you are like three plus in certain places, you could potentially get a lifetime requirement of having the thing on your car.

• 46:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think it all depends on the BAC.

• 46:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true, true.

• 46:56Speaker 00

  On the extent of it.

• 46:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're not playing about that. Lifetime blow car is so funny.

• 47:05Speaker 00

  I understand, I understand the strictness. That's so fucking lame.

• 47:08Matt McCusker?

  Three is crazy.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  Drinking and driving is lame as fuck, dude.

• 47:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 47:12Speaker 01

  My dad had one on his car for a while, and he'd have to blow into it, and he would hum the national anthem into it while he did it, because he didn't want to come off as gay blowing into it.

• 47:27Matt McCusker?

  See, you could be a legend in the pub, dude.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Fucking beast.

• 47:30Matt McCusker?

  You come from a long line of legends.

• 47:34Speaker 00

  You could be a legend in the pub. He's like, ooh.

• 47:40Matt McCusker?

  They should have gave him the flashlight attachment.

• 47:42Speaker 00

  True.

• 47:42Matt McCusker?

  This is fucking blow through a puss.

• 47:47Speaker 00

  Blow through puss is actually.

• 47:50Matt McCusker?

  Blow through the butthole, I'd whistle through the butthole.

• 47:52Speaker 00

  Now you're on something.

• 47:53Matt McCusker?

  Hey.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  You just spread the cheese.

• 47:58Matt McCusker?

  I put a butthole and I put my truck balls hanging off.

• 48:03Matt McCusker?

  I am blowing in a no trans breathalyzer.

• 48:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it does suck. Getting an older guy and having a fucking mouth apiece is tough.

• 48:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, especially, you ever see that old, there's that famous like news interview, they're interviewing locals because they just passed the DUI laws? And guys are in their trucks like, what the fuck? Not allowed to drink and drive. Like, I'm not allowed to have a six pack on the way home from work in my truck. What the fuck? They're like drinking in their cars while they're getting interviewed. Like, this is some bullshit, dude. Fuck this country.

• 48:37Matt McCusker?

  It was a thing, man. You could have, yeah, you could have a six pack of Miller Lite and just, that was like your lunch. There was dudes that used to rock like that.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  Back when this used to be a proper country.

• 48:46Matt McCusker?

  Free country. Yeah, remember there was a plumber, I never worked with him, but he always had a little, one of those little like old school like handle coolers, and it was just six beers.

• 48:54Speaker 00

  It's the only way to get work done.

• 48:55Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 48:55Speaker 00

  Literally. Now the honkies, now we're all, nobody's actually working, so we're like, drinking and driving is bad. Now the lads, now we're putting that on the lads.

• 49:02Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 49:03Speaker 00

  That's the only way to get through a day of plumbing, you go, I have a six pack.

• 49:06Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 49:06Speaker 00

  It's lunchtime.

• 49:07Matt McCusker?

  I'll feed, I'll feed the lads up every now and again.

• 49:09Speaker 00

  Got it.

• 49:10Matt McCusker?

  Ever working in the house, you go, yeah, boys, I got some Friday, go.

• 49:14Matt McCusker?

  Hit him, hit him with some, the lads, the lads do not.

• 49:18Matt McCusker?

  The lads do not turn down a cold one after the job. You offer the lads a cold one after their shift, they're taking it. Gave him like Trulies one time, they're like, yeah, whatever, fuck, give me that.

• 49:36Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the lads, I, every time I had to stop, I'm like, dude, is there anyone better? Lads fucking rule so hard.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  They're up there.

• 49:44Matt McCusker?

  They are.

• 49:46Matt McCusker?

  They fucking rule.

• 49:47Speaker 00

  Trying to think.

• 49:47Matt McCusker?

  Polacks. Polacks are nice.

• 49:49Speaker 00

  I like some Eastern Europeans, they're very funny.

• 49:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Panie, you know that's sir in Polish, panie?

• 49:55Speaker 00

  No.

• 49:55Matt McCusker?

  Say panie, that's like their respect term. Panie. Ever see a Polish guy? Panie, please.

• 50:00Speaker 04

  Really?

• 50:01Matt McCusker?

  Panie, yeah, it's like Polish high society.

• 50:02Speaker 04

  I can spot a Polish guy.

• 50:04Speaker 00

  Blockhead.

• 50:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Big blockhead.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  Lego head.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  Big fat dick.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  Big thick dick, yeah.

• 50:09Speaker 04

  Excuse me, sir, could I see your dick real quick?

• 50:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's big blockhead usually.

• 50:16Matt McCusker?

  So, panie. You're hitting him with a panie. Panie, please.

• 50:20Speaker 00

  I'm gonna save that. I'm gonna hit Blizz with that.

• 50:21Matt McCusker?

  Hit him with panie.

• 50:22Speaker 00

  What's up, panie?

• 50:23Matt McCusker?

  It's their version of poppy, kind of. Panie.

• 50:28Matt McCusker?

  For real.

• 50:28Speaker 00

  I believe you.

• 50:31Matt McCusker?

  I just learned this last night, I was so excited.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  You learned it last night?

• 50:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:35Speaker 00

  How?

• 50:35Matt McCusker?

  I'm reading the Russian classics.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 50:37Matt McCusker?

  They encounter a couple Poles, and they keep being like, panie, and they're like trying to be boys with Polish people, and they have like two drinks, and they're like, to Russia, the greatest empire! And the Poles won't drink, and they're like, you fucking bastards, we drank the Poland, panie, please. Drink to Mother Russia. They say, we'll drink to Russia pre 1700s when it was still great, and they go, panie, disrespect us. Before they freed the serfs.

• 51:02Matt McCusker?

  That was crazy. You would just have a property, and you would just have fucking 500 serfs on your property. They were kind of slaves.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  Surf them? Yeah.

• 51:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they were essentially slaves.

• 51:11Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 51:12Matt McCusker?

  So.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, I got that going. Yeah, I was watching some lady today give a speech about how capitalism ruined everything. Because it was like, up until, up until capitalism, we had all this. It's like, there's a lot of stuff before capitalism.

• 51:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:27Speaker 00

  And it sucked ass.

• 51:29Matt McCusker?

  It was pretty bad.

• 51:30Speaker 00

  Dumb bitch. So that got me fired up this morning.

• 51:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I wonder what their case is. Like, what do you, well, they go back to like, almost like mythological.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  Mythological hunter gathering.

• 51:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:42Speaker 00

  Like where the women did all the cooking. And you're like.

• 51:45Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 51:46Speaker 00

  Go back there, see what happens. You're gonna cut your fucking head off.

• 51:51Matt McCusker?

  It's also like, and then every civilization somehow stopped that. You know what I mean? It's around the world. I've been watching a lot of Kevin Samuels recently, so I can't.

• 52:00Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by Quince.

• 52:02Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 52:03Speaker 00

  What do you know about Quince?

• 52:04Matt McCusker?

  I love Quince. I'll be, I'll be honest. They sent me the stuff and I, their boxers, they use like cot, like regular materials, not a lot of polyesters. Natural fibers. I'm a, I'm a big fan.

• 52:15Speaker 00

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• 52:40Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 52:41Speaker 00

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• 52:42Matt McCusker?

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• 53:08Speaker 00

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• 53:09Matt McCusker?

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• 53:25Matt McCusker?

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• 53:45Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 53:46Matt McCusker?

  I just watched him Kevin Sam this morning.

• 53:48Speaker 00

  Really? What's he going on about?

• 53:49Matt McCusker?

  I was watching him, I was listening to him battle a lady with a psychology degree. It was, dude, it's the funniest thing in the world.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  You know who Kevin Samuels is?

• 53:57Matt McCusker?

  No. Dude, you remember the, the black guy who'd wear a suit and tie and he would just like, he would do Zooms where women could call in. He'd be like, man, you're fat as hell.

• 54:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, they would complain. It's women complaining about men and then he would just be like, look at you, you're fucking ugly bitch. Fuck you, fat bitch. You should be lucky somebody's trying to fuck you. Next caller. It was great. The guy had a good thing going.

• 54:16Matt McCusker?

  He was good, but he died from a cocaine overdose.

• 54:18Speaker 00

  Legend.

• 54:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 54:20Speaker 00

  Beast. Legend in the pub.

• 54:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, you fire up some old school Kevin Samuels, whatever, he was good at, whatever he was doing, he was, he would wear a suit and tie and he sat in the studio, it was like a dim red light. And he would just let ladies call in and try to like, argue with him. He'd be like, this is the shit I'm talking about, man. Disrespectful, ignorant ass. Shut the hell up, bitch.

• 54:39Speaker 00

  Excellent.

• 54:39Matt McCusker?

  And he was, he would crush them in debate. He would always crush them.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Okay, add the link to the list.

• 54:43Matt McCusker?

  Check out Kevin Samuels.

• 54:45Speaker 00

  Kevin Samuels. Rap, rap fucking and Kevin Samuels.

• 54:47Matt McCusker?

  Okay. Yeah.

• 54:49Speaker 00

  And then the, and then the Russian classics.

• 54:51Matt McCusker?

  Right, right, right.

• 54:51Speaker 00

  Now you're entering the world.

• 54:53Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 54:53Speaker 00

  Heck, yeah.

• 54:54Matt McCusker?

  I was a bit ashamed. It was like seven thirty and I was like scrolling for YouTube, like listening to on the way home and I'm like, it's too early for Kevin Samuels.

• 55:00Speaker 00

  It's never too early.

• 55:01Matt McCusker?

  First a psychology degree, that's fired. A thirty-two year old lady with a psychology degree, fucking grown ass acting like a petulant child.

• 55:11Speaker 00

  It's awesome.

• 55:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was great.

• 55:13Speaker 00

  What, how did the psychology degree lady do?

• 55:16Matt McCusker?

  She was trying to pin him on, you're always, you have it out for black women. He goes, um, his, the seminar he was giving was, why are women angry? He goes, I didn't even mention black women. He says, give me your pictures of black women. He goes, lady, do your research. I'm a black man, so when I buy thumbnails, I'm gonna just represent myself by my own race. Every other YouTuber does it. And she was like, well, and he's like, well, what? And it started destroying her. It was pretty funny. So, yeah, it was whatever. Actually, he kinda let me down a little bit.

• 55:43Speaker 00

  Really?

• 55:43Matt McCusker?

  I thought there was gonna be a little more back and forth. And he was just like, shut the fuck up, you're not gonna talk over me.

• 55:49Matt McCusker?

  So, yeah, watched that. It was pretty good. Well, it was pretty tame Samuels, honestly, but.

• 55:55Speaker 00

  Can't always be top of his game like that.

• 55:58Matt McCusker?

  True. I mean, he was good. His research was solid. That is true. He goes, I'm not, you know, if I'm a black guy, I'm gonna use black people in my art that I license for the show.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  Do you think you could do that? Do you think you could debate like, like furiously with somebody? Or do you think you'd fold under pressure?

• 56:14Speaker 00

  I can debate pretty furiously.

• 56:16Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 56:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:17Speaker 00

  Yes. They've all witnessed.

• 56:20Matt McCusker?

  True. He's a bit of a master at it.

• 56:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, dude, what would your one v twenty be? Like, you're at the table.

• 56:25Speaker 01

  Oh, you're right, right, right.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  Jeez, I never even thought about it. What would yours be?

• 56:29Speaker 05

  I, I don't have one.

• 56:31Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  I could fight twenty AIs.

• 56:35Matt McCusker?

  Are you a twenty? I would do, I could do women. I could do twenty black women.

• 56:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 56:41Matt McCusker?

  I think I could.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  Just with your experience?

• 56:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think I could. I really think I could. I would need like a corner guy, though. I would need to like.

• 56:48Speaker 00

  On camera, that would be tough. Off camera.

• 56:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:52Speaker 00

  We're allowed to say whatever we want?

• 56:56Matt McCusker?

  I would need people squirting water in my mouth.

• 56:57Speaker 00

  On camera, no chance.

• 56:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 57:00Speaker 00

  On camera, you'd have to be like, yes, I'm sorry.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, you need an earpiece and you need a van outside of the location. Like, okay, Matt, stay calm. They've got you right where they want you.

• 57:10Matt McCusker?

  That would be tough. That would be tough. I'd have to wear my suit, I'd have to tap into my Kevin Samuels for sure. I would just do research. Whenever they said, I would just pull up the appropriate Kevin Samuels clip, play it and sit there and go.

• 57:20Speaker 00

  You're not allowed to say what Kevin Samuels said.

• 57:22Matt McCusker?

  I would play his clips. I would say, all right, from my ear, I heard what you're saying. Bang. And be like, all right.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  So you'd go on a bit of a Stephen Hawking.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  Press a button, Samuels clip.

• 57:34Matt McCusker?

  I would play it in the Hawking's voice, too.

• 57:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:36Matt McCusker?

  You bitches be tripping constantly and you expect.

• 57:41Matt McCusker?

  Ain't no grown ass man wanna deal with that bullshit.

• 57:46Speaker 00

  Bitch, you're two hundred forty pounds. Shut the fuck up.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  I like how you're Stephen Hawking is sling blade.

• 57:58Matt McCusker?

  Can you do a Hawkins?

• 57:59Speaker 01

  Can I do? Not, that's not one of my strongest. So I shouldn't be making.

• 58:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I heard, no, I heard a guy do one. Yeah, I saw a guy do one recently on Instagram. It was unbelievable. Who showed, fuck, who showed me that?

• 58:10Speaker 01

  Drew Dunn has really, Drew Dunn's is great. And then I saw the, the guy on Instagram.

• 58:14Speaker 00

  He's like a British guy.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's very good.

• 58:17Matt McCusker?

  That was crazy.

• 58:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. I guess they say the trick on that one, I haven't tried it, but it's like an inhale voice.

• 58:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 58:24Speaker 01

  It's like a, yeah.

• 58:26Matt McCusker?

  True. Don't, yeah, don't, don't, you know, don't mess up the brand.

• 58:29Speaker 00

  Don't risk it.

• 58:29Matt McCusker?

  By a bad Hawkins.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  I know. No, my hog, I mean, yeah, if I go too hard on the throat, then it just turns into.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  Hey, yo.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  Hey, yo.

• 58:44Speaker 00

  Have you been going hard on your throat in LA?

• 58:48Speaker 00

  Have you ever gone too hard on your throat and not been able to do your impressions? Yes, right?

• 58:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I have. All right, Shane?

• 58:56Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 58:57Matt McCusker?

  Because then it just, it devolves into, anything that wrecks your throat turns into.

• 59:04Speaker 00

  When's the last time your throat got wrecked?

• 59:09Speaker 00

  For real? Honestly?

• 59:10Matt McCusker?

  Honestly?

• 59:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:12Matt McCusker?

  Uh, I was doing an RFK Junior impression for too long.

• 59:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:17Matt McCusker?

  And then it just, you know. It's just going too hard on your throat and it just tears it apart because it starts to sound like you just have a pubic hair stuck in the back of your throat. You're just trying to get it out at all times. It's a real issue.

• 59:33Matt McCusker?

  That's surprising.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  I had to, yeah, every, every once in a while, my throat will get fucking wrecked when I'm on the road.

• 59:40Speaker 00

  And, uh, towards the end of my show, I'm like, oh, fuck, I gotta do a Trump impression. This crowd, this entire arena. It's like, dude, I paid for the Trump impression.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  We don't care if your throat's wrecked.

• 59:52Speaker 00

  Fuck about anything. You gotta plow through it. Saturday, the last, I did three at the Garden and the first two were just the best shows. Saturday, I got sick and I lost my voice.

• 1:00:02Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  I was on stage like, fuck, the whole show's ruined.

• 1:00:05Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 1:00:05Speaker 00

  Then mid, I'd start a bit and be like, there's an impression in this. Fuck, there's an impress, there's a fucking impression in every joke.

• 1:00:11Matt McCusker?

  How bad was your voice? Were you just powerful?

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

  It was fine, apparently, but I could hear it.

• 1:00:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:15Speaker 00

  I got off stage and was furious. Ruined the evening.

• 1:00:19Matt McCusker?

  You were, you were, yeah.

• 1:00:20Speaker 00

  I get very upset, yeah.

• 1:00:21Matt McCusker?

  Salty.

• 1:00:21Speaker 00

  Sometimes my throat just gets destroyed, you know? Yeah, on the road, your throat can get fucking absolutely pounded.

• 1:00:26Matt McCusker?

  My throat for like a month.

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:28Matt McCusker?

  My throat took a pounding.

• 1:00:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:30Matt McCusker?

  I was sipping tea, trying to cool it down.

• 1:00:32Speaker 01

  Sipping tea or D?

• 1:00:34Matt McCusker?

  Tea. After. I did a diet, I was on the tea.

• 1:00:39Speaker 00

  You sipped D and wrecked your throat. When did, when did you wreck it? You wrecked your throat for a month?

• 1:00:44Matt McCusker?

  I only chugged D.

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  Oh, you chugged D.

• 1:00:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, chugged D. Sipped D, chugged D.

• 1:00:49Speaker 01

  I thought you said sip D, so, yeah.

• 1:00:50Matt McCusker?

  I, I would go out, I would pop cough drops, middle, you know, mid joke, pop a cough drop in. Kinda makes me feel like a pro a little bit. I kinda like when my voice is all fucked up. It's like, yeah, man, this is part of the fucking thing.

• 1:01:00Speaker 00

  I'm on the road, you can hear it.

• 1:01:02Speaker 01

  I had one where I was losing it as the weekend was going on.

• 1:01:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:06Speaker 01

  And then by the last show, literally by, when I woke up the next morning, completely gone.

• 1:01:11Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 1:01:12Speaker 01

  So like, it kept getting like deeper.

• 1:01:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Damn.

• 1:01:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:18Matt McCusker?

  How'd you get your voice back? You have to find Prince Eric and marry him?

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  I had, uh, I was, when I was opening for Soder, I got like a horrible fucking ill. Like I was dripping sweat, terrible sore throat. Like it was, I remember plowing through that.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, Notre Dame, Virginia Tech played that night. It was exciting. You can circle the date, dude. Notre Dame at V Tech. I was down Tucson where I went for the Sode Man.

• 1:01:51Speaker 01

  The last show I did before the lockdowns and everything during the pandemic, I was on a show with, I was actively getting sick and I was like, my nose was running on that show and people in the room were like, like, kind of like, should we even be out? You know, like, it was one of those things.

• 1:02:11Speaker 00

  During COVID, yeah. A cough or anything on stage, show's ruined.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  And I had, I was headlining this, this like one nighter down in like Huntington Beach and William Montgomery, I had him on the show with me and he opens with, he goes, I have COVID right now. I have a cough. I'm sick. And literally the room's like.

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  Cool, man.

• 1:02:36Speaker 01

  It was so fun. All the comics are just dying in the back watching.

• 1:02:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, never discussing anything going on with you never really works. The same thing, you go, I just took a diarrhea, diarrhea before that.

• 1:02:47Matt McCusker?

  You can never mention you just took a shit before you came on.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't like that.

• 1:02:51Matt McCusker?

  They don't like it.

• 1:02:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:52Matt McCusker?

  I tried talking about the bidet at the mothership recently.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  They don't like the bidet?

• 1:02:55Matt McCusker?

  Even that was like, dude, come on, man. You just took a shit. Something about, it destroys the illusion of the confident performer.

• 1:03:02Speaker 01

  Well, also, yeah, I guess so. Well, it humanizes you, I think, too much.

• 1:03:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Cause they want a little bit of that mystique of separation, maybe.

• 1:03:09Matt McCusker?

  It's also crazy to come in like, yeah, I just took a shit.

• 1:03:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, this will be funny.

• 1:03:13Matt McCusker?

  Hey, guys, just clocking in.

• 1:03:15Speaker 00

  I got nothing. What did I do today? Oh, I shit.

• 1:03:18Matt McCusker?

  I just go shit. I do like the bidet, though. The bidet is, the bidet's nice.

• 1:03:23Speaker 01

  It's solid.

• 1:03:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's nice.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:03:26Matt McCusker?

  A little too good, though.

• 1:03:27Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:03:28Speaker 00

  Which one?

• 1:03:29Matt McCusker?

  The bidet, just like that, because you hit, turn it on, it doesn't go on right away. So you wait in suspense and then it.

• 1:03:34Speaker 00

  You're talking about the mothership one?

• 1:03:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:36Speaker 00

  How often you dump it at the mothership?

• 1:03:37Matt McCusker?

  Every single time I'm there.

• 1:03:38Speaker 00

  You're such an asshole.

• 1:03:39Matt McCusker?

  What? I have to shit every time I do stand up, I have to do shit. If I'm popping in to be like a little sad, I won't, but if I have to do a whole hour, I have to shit before I go on.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, I get that.

• 1:03:47Matt McCusker?

  It's just that's, I'm primed. If I, I cannot shit, but it's like, I need to shit. I hit it quick. I hit it hard and fast, though. Bidet helps.

• 1:03:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:57Matt McCusker?

  That costs the wiping time. The shitting's mostly wiping.

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  Do you ever preemptively do it before?

• 1:04:01Matt McCusker?

  No, I've never done that.

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  Just to juice the engine?

• 1:04:03Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna juice the tracks.

• 1:04:05Speaker 00

  You're on one today.

• 1:04:08Matt McCusker?

  I am on one. I've been sub stacking, dude.

• 1:04:11Speaker 00

  Crazy.

• 1:04:12Matt McCusker?

  Dude, ever since I started sub stacking, it's just like, it's, it all feeds everything.

• 1:04:15Speaker 00

  Statements from this episode alone. Gums better than brushing your teeth. Sometimes bad breath comes from the stomach. I blast my shit out. Shitting's mostly wiping. I mean, if you're blasting healthy dumps, yeah, you're not spending a lot of time on the toilet, especially at the mothership. You gotta get in and get out.

• 1:04:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:38Speaker 00

  Cause there's always, there's just a hot waitress sitting.

• 1:04:40Matt McCusker?

  That.

• 1:04:41Speaker 00

  Directly outside the toilet.

• 1:04:42Matt McCusker?

  Yep, exactly.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  Great.

• 1:04:44Matt McCusker?

  Or you could have a fucking, you could have, I would, I'm still waiting for just an angry Rogan on the other end, like, I gotta go on in two minutes, someone's in here shitting. So I never want to.

• 1:04:52Speaker 00

  I get, I get annoyed if someone's shitting.

• 1:04:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:55Speaker 00

  I'm like, I gotta piss, I gotta go on soon.

• 1:04:56Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 1:04:57Speaker 00

  Who the fuck would bring a dump here?

• 1:04:59Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I do all the time.

• 1:05:00Speaker 00

  Who on earth would bring a dump here? I understand the emergency dumps.

• 1:05:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. No, I do it every time, almost every time, but I, I try to be.

• 1:05:09Speaker 00

  The, the emergency dump before a show is left. I don't do that anymore. But I have, the new thing is, I've been doing it for a while now, before a show, instead of being like nervous, my nervousness has turned into just being extremely tired.

• 1:05:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:24Speaker 00

  For no reason, yeah.

• 1:05:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that is weird.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  Do you get a, a quick burst right before you go on there?

• 1:05:29Speaker 00

  Hopefully.

• 1:05:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm usually, I'm relying on that entirely and then you go, oh shit, I don't, I don't feel anything.

• 1:05:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:38Speaker 00

  I'm walking through an arena blasting fucking money for nothing and I'm like, what am I doing?

• 1:05:42Matt McCusker?

  All right, I'm almost up there.

• 1:05:45Speaker 00

  Hey, hey, everybody.

• 1:05:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I feel like I need the first, I like really, it takes me five minutes to really like, like settle down and like the inner monologue for being like, what are you doing?

• 1:05:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:57Matt McCusker?

  The hell's going on here? It takes like five minutes for that to go away, then I'm, I'm in the pocket.

• 1:06:00Speaker 00

  Mees, you're always juiced. Give that guy a fucking spot, he's juiced.

• 1:06:05Speaker 03

  I'll be juiced, yeah, I can get juiced.

• 1:06:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, you get juiced.

• 1:06:08Matt McCusker?

  You're pumped.

• 1:06:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:10Matt McCusker?

  You're respecting the art form.

• 1:06:11Speaker 00

  You respect the art form. You respect the audience who paid their, paid their hard work and money to be there.

• 1:06:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:15Speaker 00

  You're juiced.

• 1:06:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's also easier when it's not my show, you know?

• 1:06:19Speaker 00

  That definitely helps.

• 1:06:20Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:06:21Speaker 00

  It's so easy.

• 1:06:23Matt McCusker?

  True. Sweetest spot ever is featuring.

• 1:06:25Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:26Matt McCusker?

  It's the best.

• 1:06:27Speaker 01

  Oh, dude.

• 1:06:28Matt McCusker?

  Twenty, twenties might be the best.

• 1:06:31Speaker 01

  It's ideal.

• 1:06:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. So fun.

• 1:06:35Matt McCusker?

  I'm good for twenty for sure.

• 1:06:36Speaker 01

  Lemare and McCusker just did a, a stand up on the spot at Creek in the Cave. That'll be coming out here in a couple of weeks. Yeah.

• 1:06:44Matt McCusker?

  Love that.

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:46Matt McCusker?

  Love that shit.

• 1:06:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's a fun one.

• 1:06:48Matt McCusker?

  So fun.

• 1:06:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, had a blast.

• 1:06:50Matt McCusker?

  Excited for that.

• 1:06:51Speaker 01

  It's a, you did like one of the, the first early ones, Shane.

• 1:06:54Speaker 00

  I did one here, yeah.

• 1:06:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:56Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 1:06:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, he, you did one at, it used to be called The Parish, but now it's called, it's a Sunset Strip Club. That's, that's where that, that one was filmed at.

• 1:07:05Speaker 00

  The only qualms I have is people clip it and then think that that's my.

• 1:07:09Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 1:07:10Speaker 00

  Stand up. They go, I saw him running his mouth about something.

• 1:07:13Speaker 01

  We.

• 1:07:14Speaker 00

  Dude, I was just talking.

• 1:07:15Speaker 01

  Right, right. We tried, yeah, we tried to watermark it and, and, but yeah, people.

• 1:07:19Speaker 00

  It'll get clipped.

• 1:07:20Matt McCusker?

  People are also so dumb, too. You can watermark it all, you could literally write, this is a show where people go.

• 1:07:25Speaker 00

  They're not gonna do that.

• 1:07:26Matt McCusker?

  That's his shit?

• 1:07:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:28Speaker 01

  Right, yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:29Matt McCusker?

  But, yeah, I get, I've gotten that before, like, man, this guy's really a dick to the guy in the audience. I'm like, hold on a second, man.

• 1:07:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, hold on, it's, it's interacting, like, it's voluntary.

• 1:07:35Matt McCusker?

  It's all fucking, it's all just motion and juice on the web, so who cares?

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  It's all about motion and juice on the web.

• 1:07:41Matt McCusker?

  Oh, motion and juice.

• 1:07:42Speaker 00

  Are you about motion and juice on the web?

• 1:07:43Speaker 01

  I'm more about motion and juice in my throat.

• 1:07:45Speaker 00

  Ooh. Oof, my nose.

• 1:07:49Matt McCusker?

  Oh, Lord. Might have to title it Throat Wrecked.

• 1:07:52Speaker 00

  There's nothing worse, there's nothing worse than getting your throat absolutely throttled before a show.

• 1:07:59Matt McCusker?

  Hey, what's up, this is Steve. And you just got throat wrecked.

• 1:08:05Speaker 00

  Nate, you ever get your throat wrecked?

• 1:08:08Speaker 03

  I'll be honest, my throat was wrecked last week. I'm just recovering.

• 1:08:13Speaker 00

  Jesus, I thought you were gonna say no at least.

• 1:08:15Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:08:16Speaker 00

  Who wrecked it?

• 1:08:17Speaker 03

  Just, I was just yapping. I was yelling, I was yelling with Lemese.

• 1:08:21Speaker 00

  What were you guys yelling about?

• 1:08:22Speaker 03

  Oh, we were yelling about UT, then we got drunk and just kept yelling.

• 1:08:25Speaker 00

  You were defending UT's honor.

• 1:08:26Speaker 03

  I was, I might be a UT guy, there's something about it.

• 1:08:29Speaker 00

  You needed a team, yeah.

• 1:08:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I've been looking for it in something, it feels real.

• 1:08:32Speaker 00

  And you refuse the Irish.

• 1:08:33Speaker 03

  I don't refuse the Irish, I root for you guys.

• 1:08:35Speaker 00

  You, you refused.

• 1:08:36Speaker 03

  I, I would love to hate the Irish, but it's not, if it's not real, it's not real. It would feel good to be like, ha, ha, fuck your team, but I, I don't feel that way.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  Hmm. He, he was a bandwagon Alabama fan and then now that Alabama's mediocre, he's like.

• 1:08:51Speaker 03

  No, I still fuck, I still root for, I still root for him when I watch him too. I just, I live, this is the first like college town I've lived in and, you know, I'm experiencing the city, love the team. I've never, I never lived.

• 1:09:02Speaker 00

  You love the team, you love the boys.

• 1:09:03Speaker 03

  I love the boys.

• 1:09:04Matt McCusker?

  Your horns up.

• 1:09:05Speaker 03

  I'm a big fan of arts.

• 1:09:06Matt McCusker?

  Your horns up?

• 1:09:07Speaker 00

  Huh?

• 1:09:08Matt McCusker?

  Your horns up?

• 1:09:09Speaker 03

  I'm not, I'm not gonna commit to horns up yet, but I.

• 1:09:11Matt McCusker?

  Horns up, the butt?

• 1:09:12Speaker 03

  I'm starting, I'm starting.

• 1:09:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. Your horns up the butt.

• 1:09:15Matt McCusker?

  I get why you like the logo.

• 1:09:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. You say two in the butt.

• 1:09:23Matt McCusker?

  We were running jokes that Nate is gay, we've been doing it for.

• 1:09:29Speaker 00

  Anytime there's nothing to talk about, we go, Nate, you ever fucking suck a guy, fuck a guy or something? So that's what we do here.

• 1:09:39Speaker 01

  That's pretty cool, man.

• 1:09:40Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man, it's a good time.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, we've done it again.

• 1:09:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we did.

• 1:09:45Speaker 00

  Nobody thought we could.

• 1:09:46Matt McCusker?

  Bro, thank you, Jeremiah.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  Thanks for stopping by.

• 1:09:49Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you, the special.

• 1:09:51Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. I'd love for you guys to check out, it's called Crazy Pizza, Jeremiah Watkins Crazy Pizza, it's on my YouTube. I directed it, I edited it, love how it came out. Yeah, leave me a comment if, say, it came from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

• 1:10:06Speaker 00

  I don't know if you want that.

• 1:10:07Matt McCusker?

  They're nasty guys.

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  You know, type in throat wrecked or, you know.

• 1:10:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:12Speaker 01

  You know, type in, you know, type in something like about, you know, like the, the hurts, the frequencies or something, you know?

• 1:10:18Matt McCusker?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:10:19Speaker 00

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:10:20Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me on, and dude, I love having you guys on Stand Up on the Spot. You both have open invites whenever. Always a pleasure to riff with y'all.

• 1:10:27Matt McCusker?

  Fuck, yeah.

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:10:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Thanks, brother. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  Do it.

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