Paul Scheer Returns

Actor and comedian Paul Scheer feels optimistic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Paul sits down with Conan once more to discuss the late night sketches that left an impression, why bombing onstage is better with friends, and taking trunk-or-treating too far. Plus, Sona gives a report from her participation at the assistants convention. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  When it comes to insurance, Farmers doesn't like surprises. That's why there's Farmers coverage on a page. What is it you ask? Did you ask? I don't think you did, but let's pretend you did.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, what is that?

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  It's your coverage on a page, pretty straightforward.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  That's good, because sometimes it gets confusing, you know? What am I covered for, what am I not? Here, it's all on a page. Does your insurance do that? Get a quote to get started at Farmers.com. Don't be confused, don't wonder. Farmers makes it pretty clear. Underwritten by Farmers Truck or Fire Insurance Exchanges or affiliate. Products not available in every state.

• 0:39Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids, or do you shop for Tac?

• 0:43Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 0:44Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you gotta get them their stuff.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 0:46Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year, you feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:56Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. Little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at Amazon.com/holiday.

• 1:33Speaker 02

  Hi, my name is Paul Scheer.

• 1:38Speaker 02

  And I feel optimistic about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 1:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I hate to break it to you, buddy.

• 1:42Speaker 02

  No, I knew it. I knew it.

• 1:45Conan O'Brien?

  It's a crusher optimism. But this is all for tax purposes, right? You understand that?

• 1:54Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined as always by Sona and Matt.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  Hi.

• 2:18Conan O'Brien?

  Nice to see you both. Yeah. And we have a little bit of a follow up we need to do today because our audio genius, Eduardo, was invited to speak at a career day. Is this right?

• 2:31Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 2:32Conan O'Brien?

  Why don't you tell us, Eduardo, fill us in in case anyone missed the last episode where you set the table.

• 2:36Speaker 04

  No problem. So just to refresh the audience, I got invited by my cousin, who's a teacher at Altaloma High School, Mr. Morano, to speak to their students as part of a career day.

• 2:47Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 2:49Speaker 04

  And-

• 2:50Conan O'Brien?

  To tell them what you do.

• 2:51Speaker 04

  To tell them what I do.

• 2:52Conan O'Brien?

  And to refresh, we talked a little bit about, well, these are high school students. Yeah. None of us have any confidence that they will know anything about this podcast. And so there was a concern that you would get up and say, okay, I, I work on this podcast, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, and you'd just get blank faces, which would be totally appropriate and also make me feel better about the country.

• 3:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:15Conan O'Brien?

  If, if young people didn't know us. So what happened?

• 3:19Speaker 04

  So, as you mentioned, I was terrified going into it, but thanks to you guys, everyone here participated and gave me some pointers. So I decided that night that we had the discussion, put together like a five minute sizzle reel.

• 3:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we thought maybe a sizzle reel would be good where you're showing them people, us with people they may, may like.

• 3:37Speaker 04

  Exactly. So I did that and I showed up and I got to speak to three total classes.

• 3:44Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow.

• 3:44Speaker 04

  About 25 students each, a total of 80 students, I think is what I counted. And I kept track for you because I wanted to report back as to who may be aware of your work. It was a total of seven students.

• 3:58Conan O'Brien?

  Seven out of how many?

• 3:59Speaker 04

  Eighty.

• 4:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. You know what? I was-

• 4:01Speaker 03

  Just do the percentage on that. Yeah.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  Less than 10%.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  Who am I kidding? I don't know.

• 4:06Speaker 04

  It's a little less than 10%.

• 4:07Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, it's a little less than 10%. Well, listen, these are high school students.

• 4:10Speaker 04

  Right.

• 4:10Conan O'Brien?

  They probably know, you know, Tate McRae.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 4:13Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, you know what I mean?

• 4:14Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:15Conan O'Brien?

  And, and listen, I'm the first one to tell you, I'm no Tate McRae.

• 4:19Speaker 04

  I'm the first one to ask, who's Tate McRae?

• 4:21Conan O'Brien?

  She's a big, huge star right now. Uh, she, you know, I'm no, uh, Sabrina Carpenter. You know, and I'm no Dua Lipa. Uh, I'm also, uh, no ASAP Rocky. ASAP Rocky, you know, uh, I like to spell it out ASAP.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  I know, but it's weird when you do that.

• 4:38Conan O'Brien?

  I know. Um, so I get it. I get it.

• 4:41Speaker 04

  Right.

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  Now, my wounded, yes.

• 4:42Speaker 04

  I, I'll just say that I gained a newfound appreciation and respect for, A, high school teachers.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:50Speaker 04

  That's a tough gig. Uh, so shout out to all of them. They're doing good work.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:54Speaker 04

  And I also weirdly got an appreciation for people like you who get to stand in front of crowds. Uh, because at one point, I like ran out of all my material and I was like, should I start juggling?

• 5:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 5:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:06Speaker 04

  What, what do I do here? Um, but no, it was great. It was a pleasant experience.

• 5:10Conan O'Brien?

  What stars would they know that we've talked?

• 5:13Speaker 04

  So I picked, uh, as you guys had suggested, I picked Ryan Reynolds. I picked Iowa Debré. Uh, I did Billie Eilish.

• 5:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 5:20Speaker 04

  And then I showed some of your hot ones, uh, footage.

• 5:24Conan O'Brien?

  Was that just met with horror?

• 5:25Speaker 04

  It got laughs.

• 5:26Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 5:26Speaker 04

  It got laughs. Um, and then a little brief, uh, opening of the Oscars.

• 5:31Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 5:32Speaker 04

  Not that it did me more part.

• 5:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:34Speaker 04

  You just coming out.

• 5:34Conan O'Brien?

  It was Billy Crystal hosting.

• 5:38Speaker 04

  Yes, exactly.

• 5:39Conan O'Brien?

  I love that. And this is a show called The Oscars. This is Billy Crystal. He did it the correct way. That's, uh, it's great that you did that.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  I, I want to say six or seven kids raised their hand, but I bet more know who you are and are just ner- no? You're shaking your head. Oh, you're shaking your head. No, they don't.

• 5:56Speaker 02

  That was between you and me.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. I think a lot more kids know of you. They're just, I think there's this nervousness about being like, I know him.

• 6:05Speaker 04

  I made the mistake that when, because, uh, my cousin was taking role. These aren't normally his students. These were people who were assigned to his classroom.

• 6:12Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 6:12Speaker 04

  To see whoever was speaking that day. Uh, one person had the last name O'Brien and I confidently was like, you might know who he is. And she just looked at me like, who are you talking about, bro?

• 6:22Speaker 01

  Wait, tell them about the one guy.

• 6:24Speaker 04

  Okay, so yeah, so the part.

• 6:26Speaker 02

  Daughter.

• 6:27Speaker 04

  The part that I was buried, I guess I buried the lead. The sweetest part was at the very end, one of the students that had raised their hands when asked if they knew who you were, came up to me at the very end, he's like, hey, can I just say, I'm actually a really huge fan of Conan O'Brien.

• 6:43Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's nice.

• 6:44Speaker 04

  He says he watched a lot of your clips for late night and he had a piece of paper, like notebook paper in his hand. And he started proceeding to ask me like, is there any way he could maybe, and he started gesturing like that you would sign something for him. And I said, do me a favor, can you write your name on the piece of paper which I brought with me? His name's Kane, I can't, yes, I can't use his last name, but here's the piece of paper.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Kane B. from Altaloma High School.

• 7:11Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 7:11Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I love this kid.

• 7:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, he was a fan, he was very sweet, very sincere, and yeah, so I thought that was cool.

• 7:19Conan O'Brien?

  Well Kane, listen, I, I love that you like our nonsense, you truly are one of a hundred.

• 7:28Conan O'Brien?

  You're a one in a hundred person. And yeah, we'll, we'll, we'll figure out someone to send him.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  I think he wants you to sign that.

• 7:35Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wants me to sign this?

• 7:36Speaker 04

  He literally gave me that paper thinking like, if he could just sign this, and I was like, we'll hook you up Kane.

• 7:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, well, maybe we could get him more than that, you know?

• 7:44Speaker 02

  For sure. Well, let's, let's, let's see if we can elevate this for Kane, what are we talking about here? What can we get him? A car?

• 7:50Speaker 01

  Oh, what?

• 7:51Conan O'Brien?

  We can't get him a car, but.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  A t-shirt?

• 7:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we also have, when we put in the electrical stuff here, there's a lot of ducting that's left over.

• 8:00Speaker 02

  He's back on ducting.

• 8:01Conan O'Brien?

  We could, we could sign some ducting.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Okay Kane, you heard it here.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  But yeah, I mean.

• 8:07Conan O'Brien?

  Kane, you know the, the metal sheaths that go around electrical cables? I'll get you a section of that, I'll sign it to you. No, oh, we have some swag, we can sign some swag for him.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think this shows that we're all really desperate to have high school students think we're cool, right? Isn't that what it is? I think they're the scariest audience you can possibly have.

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  I don't even try with high school kids, I would not try, I would, I would, I would flee the area. But, but if someone like Kane is out there. There, we'll make them happy.

• 8:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:39Speaker 04

  And they were great, by the way. Like, all the students were engaged. I set up a little mini podcast setup where they can come speak on mic and act as a producer and stuff like that.

• 8:46Conan O'Brien?

  I have to say, I'm glad you did this because any time in my life I run across a teacher, I'm, I just tell them, I'm, I'm awed. I'm in awe of teachers. I just think it's the, it's the greatest profession. And I do think we have our priorities way out of whack in this country insanely. Because they're, they're essential. They're just amazing. Incredible people. And they change lives. And so my shout out to your teacher friend, what's the name?

• 9:18Speaker 04

  Uh, my cousin Angel Moreno, Mr. Moreno.

• 9:21Conan O'Brien?

  It's Moreno.

• 9:22Speaker 04

  Moreno. Yes. Wow.

• 9:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, incredible.

• 9:25Speaker 02

  Point you to the rap sign.

• 9:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. It's a rap.

• 9:33Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, cool. My guest today hosts the podcast, How Did This Get Made? and Unspooled. He also has a YouTube web series titled Dark Web. He is a lovely fellow, very funny, and I'm so glad that he could make time for us.

• 9:54Conan O'Brien?

  Paul Sheer, welcome.

• 10:00Conan O'Brien?

  So great that you're here. I love talking to you. And we realized, like, we haven't talked to you in a long time. There's much to discuss.

• 10:07Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 10:08Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm just trying to remember, you know, because you would do bits on my show back in the day. What was our first encounter? Do you remember? I'm trying to remember, because it was a chaotic time.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  Well, you know, so.

• 10:20Conan O'Brien?

  Girls were tearing my clothes off.

• 10:23Speaker 02

  Tearing your clothes on.

• 10:26Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Giving you scarves and hats?

• 10:28Conan O'Brien?

  Screaming women. Screaming women used to charge me and clothe me more.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  Here, sunglasses.

• 10:36Conan O'Brien?

  They couldn't handle it. They're like, it's not good.

• 10:39Speaker 02

  Well, it was really exciting to come on the show because it was my first like real foray into like real professional like acting. I had to join the like-

• 10:50Conan O'Brien?

  That can't be true.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  It was.

• 10:51Conan O'Brien?

  Because we could not have been your first professional experience.

• 10:55Speaker 02

  I was doing shows at midnight called Robot TV, which is like an improvised show by robots for robots.

• 11:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  So this was a giant step up. This was, this was a huge leap for me.

• 11:08Conan O'Brien?

  And even robots wouldn't watch it.

• 11:09Speaker 02

  I know.

• 11:10Speaker 04

  It's gonna be big in a couple of years.

• 11:12Speaker 02

  We walked audiences so much. It was, we had a guy on bass guitar playing like music that was not, that was not pleasant to hear.

• 11:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  Someone operating a slide projector and we did the show at midnight. So people were leaving and drost. But getting, getting-

• 11:29Conan O'Brien?

  Where are you going?

• 11:33Speaker 02

  And that's a-

• 11:33Conan O'Brien?

  This is my living.

• 11:34Speaker 02

  And that's how we all talked. We thought that would be great to have everyone just talking like, I am here and we worshiped our god Lando. Like, Lando, Lando.

• 11:43Conan O'Brien?

  I just love a robot being upset that people are like, I have slots to fill, slots to feed.

• 11:49Speaker 02

  We pointed them, my pork. So getting to go on your show was a giant big deal and and a lot of the times it was in these like, these bigger pieces. So I was just talking about this the other day. There was a, a bit, and I don't remember the conceit, but it was like, oh, uh, summer's over. So it's the return of the beach apes. And so we all-

• 12:12Conan O'Brien?

  Sounds, first of all, I have no memory, but it sounds exactly right. Us picking something that's completely, there's a fragment there, which is, summer's over.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 12:22Conan O'Brien?

  Now, most shows would have said, summer's over, so we're gonna do a bit about dressing for fall. No, that means the arrival of beach apes.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  It was like, it was like the, the apes had like, let the beach be open to humans during the summertime? And now we are back. So we all got-

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  Apes don't hang out at the beach.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  We all got dressed up in these, you know, ape gorilla costumes and, you know, they had probably a couple of good ones.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  Your response tells me it's so clear how this got greenlit.

• 12:53Conan O'Brien?

  I know. I'm the guy that said, that sounds right.

• 12:58Conan O'Brien?

  Also, if anything had an ape in it, I was immediately yes.

• 13:01Speaker 02

  Oh, you have to do ape bits.

• 13:03Conan O'Brien?

  We had one character which was, uh, they said, you know, of course, uh, in, in Planet of the Apes.

• 13:09Speaker 02

  Right.

• 13:09Conan O'Brien?

  Ape, you saw apes rode horseback.

• 13:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:12Conan O'Brien?

  Behold, a horse riding ape back.

• 13:17Conan O'Brien?

  And a horse came out on an ape's back.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 13:20Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, and anyway, but go, go ahead, Tinius. I want to hear about these apes.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  I wanna say.

• 13:24Conan O'Brien?

  Your costume was not primo.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  Well, look, you know, whenever you're in a situation where you have like 20 apes, the quality's gonna go downhill really quickly.

• 13:33Conan O'Brien?

  There's always three good. It's like in a zombie film, the zombies that are closest to camera got the most time in the chair. And zombies, you know, if a horde is charging, the ones that are way in the back, they just picked people with eczema. They just, they, they didn't even put it.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  We have definitely, we look like sick dogs, like splotchy patches of fur ripped off. And, and, uh, we had to put on the feet. And if you know like of these ape costumes, they're like these big feet. And they drove us out to Jones Beach and they're, get over this sand dune.

• 14:05Speaker 05

  Oh, location?

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Oh, we drove that. We drove like 45 minutes.

• 14:09Conan O'Brien?

  Come on, man. Sorry. We were a real show.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:11Speaker 05

  This is network.

• 14:12Conan O'Brien?

  We gotta get to the beach.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  And so we all hid behind this sand dune, like all 20 of us. And then someone yelled, action. And then in these costumes, in the sun with these big feet, we're trying to run up sand dunes to like run at camera. The beach apes are coming back. And that was it. That was it. The bit was just, we ran up a sand dune. People were falling all over each other because we didn't know how to work the feet. And it was a bit that was just like, oh, the beach apes are back over the hill with like Congo music, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that was it.

• 14:41Speaker 05

  And your face wasn't even on camera.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  No, no, I mean, majority of the bits I did, my face was, I was covered. I was in whale costumes. It was, it was great though. It was the best, the best gig.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  This is an upgrade from the robot show?

• 14:54Speaker 02

  A hundred percent. Well, I was getting paid. At least I was getting paid for that.

• 14:57Conan O'Brien?

  The robots were watching at home and seeing Paul on late night and going, he's doing well. Everybody has come up in the world.

• 15:04Speaker 05

  Robots, apes, cowboys. That's the hierarchy.

• 15:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it is. It is. Yeah.

• 15:07Speaker 02

  I would go home and I'd have a tape of all my like Conan bits and then show my parents. I'm like, look, I'm on TV. Here's, I'm that ape. You see the one in the back with the patchy, uh, the patchy.

• 15:18Conan O'Brien?

  Are you an ape? Are you an ape again?

• 15:21Speaker 05

  Well, at least he's not doing the robot show anymore.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was, so that was like really like just getting to hang out with everybody in that, that hallway because we'd be hanging out in the hallway, we'd wait, we'd go somewhere. I mean, the, the grossest thing I ever did for your show was a desk drive piece, right? So the desk would drive around.

• 15:42Conan O'Brien?

  I would, I would say it's time to take the desk out for a ride. It's a beautiful day.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:46Conan O'Brien?

  Andy would slide over next to me and then using very primitive rear screen projection, I would, you know, put a steering wheel on the desk and drive it around. And they actually, because the bit was popular, they made it a ride.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  What?

• 16:01Conan O'Brien?

  At the NBC Experience store where you could sit behind a desk and ride with Conan. And I've met people over the years that have said to me, now they're in their 30s, but they're like, when I was eight and I was, you know, I was with my parents in Rockford Center and I took a ride with you, remember? No, I wasn't there. I mean, you shook the hand of the fake robot at Disneyland and then asked Reagan, does he remember?

• 16:32Speaker 02

  So, yeah. We did a desk drive piece where you were driving through the meatpacking district. Before the meatpacking district was a fancy, cool place. It was when it was a meatpacking district.

• 16:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 16:41Speaker 02

  Disgusting. And we were Hare Krishnas.

• 16:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 16:44Speaker 02

  So again, I was in like, you know, a very small, you know, like, just practically naked and, you know, my body is not a sight to be seen unclothed, you know, it's, it's, and especially back then, it was even worse. And, and I had a bald cap on and you were, you said, oh, look, there's Hare Krishnas. And then you ran us over.

• 17:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  So then when you ran us over, we had to.

• 17:09Conan O'Brien?

  You know, having fun with a hate crime. You know what it is.

• 17:14Conan O'Brien?

  It works different than me.

• 17:17Conan O'Brien?

  And a queue applause.

• 17:20Speaker 02

  As they, as, as we did it, they're like, okay, now you guys have to lay down on the ground in the meatpacking district, which at the time smelled like blood.

• 17:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  And it was disgusting. And, and I remember just being on the ground, looking at the other people make, how much, how much longer do we have to be down? Cause it smelt and then, and we're like, no, no, I think we got, we gotta keep it going longer, longer. So we were down on that ground for such a long time. And I remember it was one of the only times where I couldn't get that smell off because I was pretty much naked laying in like, you know, uh, blood meat, you know, and it was like viscera that was just out in the street. And I just remember like all of us coming home again in a van smelling disgusting.

• 18:05Conan O'Brien?

  It was, well.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  I wouldn't have missed it for the world because it was like, it was, you're working. And yeah, I will say that, that like the best moment of all time was when Kirk Douglas came on the show.

• 18:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  He walked down.

• 18:18Conan O'Brien?

  And he had had a stroke.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  He had a stroke.

• 18:19Conan O'Brien?

  And but he came out. Uh, yeah, it was, it was amazing.

• 18:23Speaker 02

  And he walked down this hallway and he grabbed my face and held it. And he's like, look at this. This is amazing. This is what it TV is.

• 18:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my God.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  Yeah. And, and he was like, looking at, you know, like, I'm in like, uh, I'm in the body of a whale suit. He was next to a clown.

• 18:39Conan O'Brien?

  A horse, a horse just went by on eight back. Kirk was like, a horse is on eight back.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  It felt electric every night. You were, and you, you would spend the whole day there like, and you did something because a show happened and you would, you know, you'd rehearse the bit with you earlier in the day and everything was on camera for seconds. I mean, it was staring contest, whatever it was. So it was like, you also could have like 15 people in, you know, just only be on camera for like five seconds.

• 19:07Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  It was great.

• 19:08Conan O'Brien?

  I can't believe. It was, it was a definite era because um, it's crazy to think about it now, but we had money to spend.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  Right.

• 19:16Conan O'Brien?

  And so, we would order up, not just livestock, but you know, we'd hire actors and we'd have things built and crazy contraptions. And then sometimes, we'd just cut them at rehearsal and you'd see like a depressed.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  Right there.

• 19:28Conan O'Brien?

  A depressed, you know, whatever, Statue of Liberty made of sausages walking down the street.

• 19:36Conan O'Brien?

  That, that, you know, Bill Toll was up all night building that and it cost us $2,500. It cost, it cost the national broadcasting company $2,500 and I'm like, eh, it doesn't quite work. It, it gets the laugh, but not the kind of laugh we want. You're out, sausage liberty. I was never thinking, what does America want? How can I appeal to America? It was.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:02Conan O'Brien?

  It's a very self-centered thing. It says, this is the shit I like. I'm going to do it. If they stop it, well, that's too bad.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  I always say, I always say like, when people ask for advice, like, how do I get into comedy or how do I do it? And it's like, it's less about how do you get in, it's more about finding a group of like-minded people.

• 20:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 20:20Speaker 02

  That will support it, right? Because failing on stage with people who are all dressed in robot costumes is a lot easier than failing on stage as one person in a robot costume.

• 20:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  And it's like, oh, you like it? Great. And if you like it, then I am, I feel good, right? And then, and that's, and I feel like that's.

• 20:34Conan O'Brien?

  And by the way, this is how cults thrive.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Now, I do have, I do have seven wives now, and they're very funny and we all have a great. But yeah, like I think, you know, and I always.

• 20:47Conan O'Brien?

  But it is, you're exactly right. This is, if you're on stage alone in a robot costume, you are an asshole or insane. If you're up there with two.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  Wow, bold take.

• 20:58Conan O'Brien?

  If you're up there uh, with three of your friends.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  Right.

• 21:03Conan O'Brien?

  And you're all dressed as robots, um, you're in the best situation you can have in this world.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  You, by, by the way, you're reminding me of one of my epic failures, which was um, we were asked to do the show Stella. And in New York City, Stella was this like offshoot of what the state. It was Michael Ian Black, David Wayne and Michael Showalter. And it was like the most popular comedy show in New York. You'd see the biggest stand ups get there.

• 21:29Speaker 05

  It was like a modern Marx Brothers. I loved it.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  Yes, it was this amazing show and we got asked our improv sash sketch group. Respecto Montabon got asked to. Oh my god. Perform at this.

• 21:41Conan O'Brien?

  You really did not want an audience.

• 21:45Speaker 05

  High barrier of entry.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Respecto Montabon.

• 21:49Conan O'Brien?

  You have to first acknowledge you get why it's funny that that's our name before you can enter the theater.

• 21:57Speaker 02

  We got asked to do a bit at the show and we're like, this is a big deal. And so of course, instead of doing a bit that we were sure of, we're like, we gotta come up with a new bit that no one's ever seen. Essentially testing out a bit for the first time ever in front of the biggest people ever. And we decided we were gonna be the Blue Man Group. So we painted our faces blue. We're in these costumes and the whole idea was that we're doing our Blue Man Group bit. And one audience member isn't laughing at us. And then we're like upset with that audience member and that audience member is a plant. And we take her and we bring her backstage and you hear some yelling. And as we're backstage, it cuts to a video clip and it's us like killing her.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Or like she accidentally falls on a pipe, she gets it through, she dies. And then we don't know what to do and we have blood all over our blue faces and we come on out. The video machine did not work.

• 22:51Speaker 05

  Oh no.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Ooh. So we go backstage and we're like, do you, I don't hear anything. Do you hear anything? Like we don't hear anything and we're rubbing blood all over our face and we're getting all ready. And then we hear, uh, the projector, projector doesn't work. And now we're blue and bloody and we have no way to connect like from where the audience had seen us on stage.

• 23:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 23:12Speaker 02

  To what the video is supposed to cover. And, and we can't talk because we're Blue Man Group and we.

• 23:19Conan O'Brien?

  I forgot. You can't do a meta thing where you explain those. No.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  We were like, we are Blue Man Group. We're doing this bit. And so, and then, but all of us were like, we can't, again, we can't break character. So we walk out covered in blood and blue. We just walked offstage and we just said, thank you. And then to complete and utter silence, the audience did not know what happened. And we were crushed, but I remember like, once we left that place, which we did immediately, you have to leave if you bomb in a place.

• 23:54Conan O'Brien?

  You can never go back. And in fact, you have to have the place burned down.

• 23:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, we were like, we need to commit our, oh yeah, we need to commit arson here to.

• 24:00Conan O'Brien?

  The actual Blue Man Group was shut down after that.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  We gotta find these guys.

• 24:04Conan O'Brien?

  They had to shutter for three years.

• 24:06Speaker 02

  But I will never forget the feeling of sitting in a bar with mostly blue and blood. We haven't been able to clear enough of our faces. Sitting and drinking beers with these other people who are also like that, just being like, well, it's all went down together.

• 24:25Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:28Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen. You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 24:43Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 24:56Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 25:15Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 25:16Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space with available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details. Now, Sona, clearly, I'm a very important person to you.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:53Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:56Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 26:01Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 26:03Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 26:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 26:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 26:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:26Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide. Sona, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:58Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific?

• 27:17Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 27:18Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:20Conan O'Brien?

  Um, like a walk with an ex-wife. Uh, I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 27:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:29Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 27:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high fiving.

• 27:59Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly, Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 28:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's so funny that you bring that up, that that world of bombing with an idea that you were in love with. And I have to say, there's the sting of bombing, but later, especially if you did it with other people, it can be one of the funniest things in the world. It's such a funny memory and being onstage, on camera, doing a national show with an insane idea, and it didn't land. And I know that people were welding last night to build, to help make this work. There was actual, you know.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  Unions were involved.

• 28:56Conan O'Brien?

  Engineers, unions, people had drawn plans and you're there and then, well, I guess, you know, I guess, whatever, Hercules Toilet was pretty mad. And people are like, greet, greet, greet, greet, greet. And I have to say, there was always part of me that was secretly delighted. It's, it's, there's a show that goes on inside your own soul.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:20Conan O'Brien?

  That's maybe the funniest show of all.

• 29:22Speaker 02

  But, but then you have to continue to stay onstage because most people bomb and it's like, okay, next, and you have to be like, all right, we're back. And you, so I mean, I imagine your tolerance for like, you have to like, digest it and then let it go.

• 29:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, there's no tolerance. I have very low tolerance to this day. It's just, I might be a masochist, meaning it hurts a lot. And, and I didn't, I, I've. Still don't brush things like that off easily. If something doesn't go well, or even if a small thing doesn't go well, I try to pass it off as, well, come, you know, the audience got the show they got, or that's what happened.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:00Conan O'Brien?

  But then I walk around for a week as if I've been shot by a, like a 22.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  No, yeah, just a little strap. No, um, I had a, a bit that, oh, I look back on it now, but it was the worst bit. Seth Meyers is hosting the ESPYS.

• 30:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  All right. So I have to put it in a little bit of context. During that year of the ESPYS, there was a riot that broke out after the NHL championship and it was in Canada. And there was this very famous image of a guy cradling a woman and it looked like he was kissing her. Oh, I remember that. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, it looked almost like that, um, World War II photo of like the, you know, the, the officer in the street.

• 30:43Conan O'Brien?

  Vijay.

• 30:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. And so, and, uh, so they're kissing in the middle of a riot. And Seth was like, okay, we'll, we'll do that bit. Like this is going to be, we have so many famous people in the crowd. You know, there's Gronk. There's this guy and oh, we have the, the kissing couple from the riot. And so it was supposed to cut to me and Lennon Parham. Lennon's great comedian and, uh, we, as it cuts us, we're just kissing.

• 31:07Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  So now as I explain that bit to you, years later, that's how familiar the audience was with this bit.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  We start kissing.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  Frick it.

• 31:19Conan O'Brien?

  Frick it. So they didn't know the reference.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  Didn't know the reference at all. They didn't show an image. They didn't do anything. They just said it. Now, now I'm sitting next to, uh, Brooklyn Decker, Jonah Hill, and I feel like Dwight Howard, you know, like, like we're in this like grouping of people and, you know, cuts us dead silent. We're just making out, making out dead silence. Now the bit is, uh, contracted to happen three more times.

• 31:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  And so I go, well, they're clearly going to cut the bit coming back. No, they didn't cut the bit. And every single time it died, it almost like then the audience got mad. The second time was like, they're doing this again? We didn't like, we didn't like this.

• 32:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, we voted on this.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, this was.

• 32:05Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, he is not to return to office.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  Yeah. And so like, then like the third time we're doing it again, now the audience angry at us. And I will never forget this moment. We had worked our way from the seats all the way to the stage. It was the final act of the show. Seth killing it, everything working except for this bit. And I was going out there with London, I'm like, okay, we gotta do this one more time. And this is great, I'm watching Twitter just be like, this bit sucks, these guys suck. You know, it's like, oh no. And we kiss, it gets nothing, and I walk off and there's Jay Leno just standing off to the side of the stage. Denim on top, denim on bottom, and goes, yeah, yeah, didn't work. And I was like, oh.

• 32:48Speaker 02

  Like, that was the end, I was like, yeah, it didn't work, it didn't work. Like, I know it didn't work, but be told like, Jay Leno, yeah. It was like, it was, it was a mortifying experience, I never walked with my head so low.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  Oh my god, and a sports audience too, I feel like they're even worse, right? The hardest audience. Aren't they hard?

• 33:10Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, but you know- Not as hard as Leno. Yeah.

• 33:16Conan O'Brien?

  BC showed himself to be very supportive, that's the important bit.

• 33:21Conan O'Brien?

  The, uh, he does that too, he hangs outside the operating room. And when the patient flatlines, he goes, nah, didn't work. And the woman's crying.

• 33:30Speaker 05

  That's my husband of 35 years.

• 33:32Conan O'Brien?

  Heart stop. See you on Sunday, I'm gonna do a live show on Sunday. I'll be at the, I'll be at the car show.

• 33:38Speaker 01

  He wasn't even performing at the ESPYs, he was just there.

• 33:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. We couldn't save your son. Yeah, it didn't work.

• 33:47Conan O'Brien?

  So anyway, let's not get distracted or off on a tangent.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 33:52Conan O'Brien?

  Humans are good. I, uh, one of the funniest things though, I don't know if it was the ESPYs or what, but it might have been the ESPYs.

• 34:04Conan O'Brien?

  I think it was Will Ferrell came out as Harry Carey. Have you ever seen this footage? He comes out as the Chicago announcer Harry Carey, who's got like a big, will you talk and kinda like this with big fake teeth? And Harry Carey is just slamming different, doing jokes on different people, uh, famous athletes in the audience. And they are not laughing, and they're insulted. And it's the funniest thing, it's great, it's great because, I mean, it's, it's just like watching snuff or something, but I'm enjoying-

• 34:36Speaker 02

  How do you know?

• 34:36Conan O'Brien?

  Am I right about that? Which was it? Was it Jim, uh?

• 34:39Speaker 04

  Uh, 1998 Espies. It was Will Ferrell as Harry Carey.

• 34:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 34:43Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 34:43Conan O'Brien?

  Will Ferrell as Harry Carey. And I think he's saying things like, you know, you know, John Elway saved a lot of money because he, he still didn't get his teeth fixed. And they'll cut to John Elway just staring. And I love it. I'm sorry. I'm, I apologize that people had a bad time that night, but I, I think it's wonderful.

• 35:04Speaker 02

  I mean, it is.

• 35:05Conan O'Brien?

  You look at me like I'm a horrible person, but it's something about-

• 35:07Speaker 01

  But you don't like bombing, but you're, you laugh at other people bombing?

• 35:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, I'm not. You're missing the point. I love what Will is doing. I am pro Will.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Oh, it's funny to you.

• 35:16Conan O'Brien?

  It's really funny to me. And I think even if I was doing that and people were angry, I think I'd be laughing inside. I'd be, I'd be falling apart.

• 35:25Speaker 04

  You'll appreciate this note. Norm MacDonald hosted that.

• 35:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, Norm MacDonald hosted, which is perfect. Yes, I knew Norm. Yeah, that's right. I knew that.

• 35:31Speaker 02

  And Norm did that bit for one of the roasts where he just did old roast jokes.

• 35:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  That were like 1950 stuff. And it was like, and it bombed in a room. It's one of my favorite things ever.

• 35:40Conan O'Brien?

  No, and that's the thing too, is there's, bombing can be divine.

• 35:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:44Conan O'Brien?

  So you, you've taken this love you have for sometimes niche ideas.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  Right.

• 35:50Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, that could only exist if a certain kind of show was around. But now the world, I think, has grown with you, where you can do these podcasts, you can do these other projects that are phenomenally successful and you don't have to make any kind of concession. The stuff that's in your head.

• 36:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 36:08Conan O'Brien?

  Can be presented, uh, without any kind of filter. And it's like, how did this get made? Is you and your wife and Mansukas getting to do your thing?

• 36:20Speaker 02

  It's just hanging out and just doing bits with friends. And I think you're right. Like this idea of- Getting to just make your own thing and playing to a niche audience. And you know, and like, and I think you can play to big audiences too. But like, just being able to have an outlet where people like seeing the seams. Like, you know, if that makes sense.

• 36:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  We're, I did this show with Rob Hubel called The Dark Web.

• 36:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  And we have, we are now in a world where we've pretended that our studio has burnt to the ground. We've only been eating mustard and raw hot dogs. And now we have envisioned ourselves as hosts of a kids YouTube show. And we've actually made like a, it'll only be on kids YouTube now. Like, we got it approved by YouTube. Like, I'm like.

• 37:04Conan O'Brien?

  Didn't they do any research on you?

• 37:07Speaker 05

  You're almost full circle back to the robot show.

• 37:09Speaker 02

  I mean, 100% like, we did a full kid show and YouTube has like been very supportive, but like, you just can't associate it with the other thing. But it's like, yeah, we just get to go down this weird path. And I don't know. I mean, it's for, I, I guess the idea is like, you're not making it for anyone, but you're making it for the, that you think it's funny.

• 37:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 37:28Speaker 02

  And I feel like it's so hard because people will tell you a million times like, oh, that doesn't work. I remember one person, uh, when I was doing a sketch show for Fox, they were like, oh, that, that's not funny. And that's a hard note to get because it's the only thing that you, well, it could be funny to me. It's not funny to you. It's like, there's no one baseline of funny. No one ever says like, that's not dramatic. It's like, well, yeah, like, you know, dramas don't get judged the same way comedy is doing. I think that's weird.

• 37:52Conan O'Brien?

  If they just put, I don't think that's funny.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:56Conan O'Brien?

  That saves, that's, that makes them much more human to me. And then at least we can have a conversation.

• 38:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I don't think everybody needs to find everything funny. Like, you know, it's like, you look at certain comedians, they'll sell out an arena. And it's like, that may not be my cup of tea, but clearly it's working. I don't think that they're not funny. It's just like, it's not for me.

• 38:14Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  But then you also get to, I think when you get those bigger things through, it's insane. I did a, a thing for Adult Swim. Michael Azza used to let us make 3 a.m. infomercials. And he's like, whatever, as long as you just like, it's gotta be weird. And so I was like, I said to him, I was like, I want to make one where it's just like a hotel TV. Like, it just looks like you're in a hotel. Hotel room and this is like an ad for the hotel that you're in. And he's like, all right, and we got Ray Wise to host this thing. It was a hotel that was clearly built on Native American land. And they, and they have come back to haunt this hotel and they're, and they're like, and their transmissions getting like altered throughout it.

• 38:55Speaker 02

  And they're being told like to leave the hotel and, and he's very like, very much like Steve Wynn, like come in here and you'll get a massage. And you'll die, and you'll die here.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  You know, and I was like, and we could make a 15 minute long.

• 39:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  Thing for, I mean, whoever's up at 3am.

• 39:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that was to the magic of, when you mentioned 3am, the magic of making things and people will find it or they won't.

• 39:21Speaker 02

  Right.

• 39:21Conan O'Brien?

  That's kind of a magic thing. We were on at 12:30 and till 1:30. And I just always think that time slot helped us a lot.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  Right.

• 39:30Conan O'Brien?

  Because there was no internet. People were seeing it and often thinking, is this really happening? Or am I just, you know?

• 39:37Speaker 02

  Right. It's sort of like you getting a mentality. Like I used to love doing like these 11pm shows because anyone who comes out for an 11pm show is up for something completely different than people coming out for a 7:30 or an 8 o'clock show.

• 39:49Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right.

• 39:50Speaker 02

  And it's like, if you're up at 12:30, you're down to, you're down to go a little more.

• 39:53Conan O'Brien?

  I had a different way of thinking of it, which is it's your fault.

• 39:58Conan O'Brien?

  If you're up at 12:30, you are complicit in this crime. And get ready for some apes on a beach.

• 40:07Conan O'Brien?

  You should be sleeping, you creep.

• 40:10Conan O'Brien?

  So on the show, how did this get made, which I did once, and I think we did, how did this? Look who's talking too.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 40:18Conan O'Brien?

  And it was the second one.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Yes, 200. Or T O O, sorry.

• 40:23Conan O'Brien?

  That was crazy, what you just did. Clearly insane. This man's having a seizure. But that feels like it would be the gift that just keeps on giving this. The, the podcast is, is massively successful. There's no shortage of movies where you would say, how did this get made? And they keep making more of them.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Well, I think that that's the thing that we've loved is you know that everything gets started with the best intentions. Any movie that I've been on.

• 40:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 40:52Speaker 02

  It's like, oh, this is gonna be good. This is gonna be, you know, we don't see it, but it's gonna be good. You know, it's like no one goes in being like, this is a stinker.

• 40:58Conan O'Brien?

  I think sometimes they do.

• 41:01Conan O'Brien?

  But, but mostly not, mostly not.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. So you go into it and you're like, you're, you know, and I think what's so funny is that we try to look at it from that point of view. Like, well, this, this was the best of all, you know, everyone's trying to make something here. And then all of a sudden your budget gets slashed and you just get ripped apart. And when we watch these shows like Jason Takes Manhattan, that's Friday the 13th, part eight.

• 41:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  He is in Manhattan for five minutes.

• 41:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Okay.

• 41:26Speaker 05

  And it's Canada.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  And it's Canada.

• 41:27Conan O'Brien?

  All right. Walk me through this movie. I don't, I don't know this one. So take me through it and Matt, jump in. This is your terrain.

• 41:33Speaker 02

  It's, it's, it's Friday the 13th, part eight, Jason Takes Manhattan.

• 41:36Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 41:36Speaker 02

  It is taking place primarily on a senior cruise as they leave Crystal Lake, which I guess connects.

• 41:44Speaker 05

  That's the big mystery is how Crystal Lake suddenly connects to the Hudson River?

• 41:48Speaker 02

  Yes. And they're on a, a two night cruise to get to New York.

• 41:53Conan O'Brien?

  So it's a cruise that goes from a lake in Canada, maybe?

• 41:56Speaker 02

  From New Jersey.

• 41:56Speaker 05

  Technically, yeah.

• 41:58Conan O'Brien?

  And everyone loves a cruise that starts in a lake in New Jersey and makes its way.

• 42:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:04Conan O'Brien?

  Probably partially overland.

• 42:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:07Conan O'Brien?

  And gets the Manhattan. Yeah. Everyone is.

• 42:09Speaker 05

  It's a Werner Herzog movie.

• 42:13Speaker 02

  And it's not a tractive cruise under. It's a, it's a barge. It does look like a barge.

• 42:17Speaker 05

  It's very much the ship they could get for the movie.

• 42:20Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:21Conan O'Brien?

  And do they try and make this ship look like something that people would want to?

• 42:25Speaker 05

  Try is a charitable word.

• 42:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 42:27Speaker 05

  God, I gotta see this. Cause it's like an engine room they go into at one point.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  Yes. And they also, um, they also have a disco, which is very small, but is the most unappealing disco. It's like a disco in an old age home. That's what it kind of feels like. It feels like, yeah, like. And they also are trying not to make it too, uh, too violent. So all the deaths are very like, just push you.

• 42:49Speaker 05

  Except the one guy gets his head punched off.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  Yes. A boxer.

• 42:53Conan O'Brien?

  Punched off?

• 42:54Speaker 02

  Punched off.

• 42:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 42:55Speaker 02

  By Jason.

• 42:55Conan O'Brien?

  So, uh, Jason takes on a boxer and the boxer's trying to box him?

• 43:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, the boxer's, that's actually, I would argue, the funniest part of the film.

• 43:04Speaker 05

  I have a soft spot for this movie.

• 43:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, there are some good moments in it. There's a lot of cocaine within the characters in the film. Like, they're, they're on cocaine, so their reactions to Jason are odd as well. They're a little bit more ready to fight this, this man.

• 43:19Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  They're old people? Did you say they're old people?

• 43:23Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, this is a weird thing of eighties movies. Everyone who is in high school looks about thirty-five.

• 43:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, and they might actually be young. I don't know. Aging has changed in a way. Uh, yeah, but the, but.

• 43:36Conan O'Brien?

  It actually has. It has. No, you look at a movie and like a gnarled old Humphrey Bogart, I'll be, I'll tell you something, kid, and you really see it, you'll look it up and he was thirty-four.

• 43:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 43:46Speaker 01

  What?

• 43:47Speaker 05

  Wilford Brimley in Cocoon was only like forty-nine.

• 43:49Conan O'Brien?

  Forty? No, he's much younger than, than they, they put, they put a picture up of Wilford Brimley from Cocoon or The Natural, and they'll say, he's like eight years younger than Paul Rudd.

• 44:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:00Conan O'Brien?

  And in the picture of Paul Rudd, he looks like, oh, he's a, he looks like a scoop of sherbet. He's delicious.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, I always think about like Lethal Weapon, Danny Glover's character's like, I'm too old for this shit.

• 44:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:12Speaker 02

  He was forty-two.

• 44:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 44:13Speaker 02

  You know, it's like, wow, all right, like, and he's like, he's the old man.

• 44:18Conan O'Brien?

  I think we live in an era where no one, we don't really grow up. We didn't go off and fight World War II.

• 44:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's true.

• 44:24Conan O'Brien?

  We didn't, we didn't start smoking when we were fifteen. We didn't have to, we didn't get shot at.

• 44:30Speaker 02

  We didn't live a hard life.

• 44:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we then didn't, you know, drink ourselves into oblivion every night after our soul-crushing job. We're on, let's improvise!

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Let's get on stage and be robots.

• 44:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, let's be robots on stage, but first my smoothie! Yay!

• 44:45Speaker 02

  How much? Fifteen dollars for a smoothie? What a bargain.

• 44:48Conan O'Brien?

  What a bargain!

• 44:49Speaker 05

  That is a bargain.

• 44:50Conan O'Brien?

  Well, time to get into my little electric car and go home. Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, nine hours of sleep. Mmm, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Where's my apps? Boo! I can't believe I can't find one. Oh, there it is!

• 45:06Conan O'Brien?

  That's the whole world now.

• 45:08Speaker 02

  It is. It's weird.

• 45:09Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm not doing the old man thing. I'm that guy.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  No, I mean, look, I did something weird. We have a trick or trunk at my kid's school where you can, you decorate your trunk like a haunted house. Oh, yeah. And.

• 45:22Conan O'Brien?

  Anything that involves kids in the trunk of your car. Is I'm sorry.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  Get in there. It's the only thing we do with kids and trunks. I was told. Get in there.

• 45:33Speaker 05

  A trick or trunk?

• 45:34Speaker 02

  Oh, I was.

• 45:35Speaker 05

  We call it a trunk or treat.

• 45:36Speaker 02

  Oh, OK.

• 45:36Conan O'Brien?

  I call it kidnapping. We all have our, we all have our different fun names for it.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  I did get in trouble one year for my trunk or treat, which was, I thought this would be a really funny idea.

• 45:48Conan O'Brien?

  And do it, you do need to explain what trunk, because I still don't know what it is. It sounds creepy.

• 45:52Speaker 02

  So basically, what it is, is on Halloween Day, it's a chance for the kids at a school, probably up to like sixth grade, to trick or treat with their classmates. All the parents come, they pop their trunk, they decorate their trunks in different ways.

• 46:07Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 46:07Speaker 02

  So, you know, like one person has a Star Wars trunk, one person has, you know, a My Little Pony trunk, whatever it is. And it's cute, the kids go around from trunk to trunk, and it's a little bit of a Halloween parade. I never knew about it. It didn't happen to me when I was a kid.

• 46:20Conan O'Brien?

  It didn't exist. No, it didn't exist, yeah.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  So this is like a special thing. It's kind of great to go to school and do it. I volunteer every year. I love doing it. And in the beginning, I was like, well, part of it is supposed to be scary, right? And, uh, no, the answer is no. These are for young children. It should not be scary for them.

• 46:36Speaker 05

  I learned that the hard way, too.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  And so I, uh, I thought it would be funny. He wants to.

• 46:42Conan O'Brien?

  The theme of your life seems to be I didn't get the memo. What I didn't know.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  That these little preschoolers didn't need to be scared. Now, um, I thought it would be funny that I set up a San Diego Zoo. And the way I set up the zoo is I got like some stanchions, I got a zoo uniform, and I also got a gorilla costume. Now, uh.

• 47:05Conan O'Brien?

  You mean you stole our gorilla costume?

• 47:07Speaker 02

  I took it, I kept it. I was like, one day.

• 47:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  Um, and I thought it would be funny to take my brother-in-law, strip him down to his underwear. And undershirt, put him in the back of my car as if he was in a cage. And then me, as the ape, put on the San Diego Zoo uniform. And I was waving the kids over.

• 47:27Speaker 05

  So you're making social commentary as well here for preschoolers.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 47:32Speaker 02

  So my brother-in-law's trapped in a cage, like, help, help. And I'm like, hey, check out, here he is. And kids were scared of the ape who would kidnap the human.

• 47:46Conan O'Brien?

  Did they cry?

• 47:47Speaker 02

  There was a few kids that were very afraid to come to my truck. And I'd be, he's okay, he's okay. But we did mess up my brother-in-law's face, so he looked like he had been in a fight with me as well.

• 47:58Conan O'Brien?

  You still didn't learn, so you bloodied him?

• 48:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:01Conan O'Brien?

  As you did backstage with the taped piece.

• 48:05Speaker 02

  If you can't scare kids on Halloween, then what can you do?

• 48:08Speaker 01

  And you stripped his clothes off.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  Well, you know.

• 48:11Conan O'Brien?

  If you can't terrify a three-year-old, what kind of country do we have?

• 48:15Speaker 02

  My son now always will say to me, he's like, you can't make it scary. Don't make it scary again. Like, I guess he had gotten some flack from other kids in the school that I went too hard on the truck or tree.

• 48:27Speaker 05

  So what are you doing this year?

• 48:28Speaker 02

  This year, I'm keeping it simple. It's an alien theme.

• 48:31Speaker 05

  Like the movie Alien?

• 48:33Speaker 02

  No, no. An alien is gonna be popping out of my car. And I am somebody who works at Area 51, but I got one of those inflatable costumes. So the alien is grabbing me and I'm like, my hands are like.

• 48:46Conan O'Brien?

  You did it again.

• 48:47Speaker 02

  You're in it again.

• 48:48Speaker 01

  I don't know if that's gonna help.

• 48:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And I'm covered in acid and my face is melting.

• 48:55Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God. Okay, well.

• 48:58Speaker 02

  Anyway, Jason Part Eight, you should watch it. I think you would like it. We should bring you on.

• 49:02Conan O'Brien?

  Jason Takes Manhattan.

• 49:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 49:03Speaker 05

  And they do, they shoot about three minutes of B-roll in New York and the rest is Vancouver.

• 49:08Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, one of my personal favorites, and we may have discussed this, but the Death Wish movies are fantastic. But there's, but the further you go, the later you get in the canon of Death Wish's.

• 49:21Speaker 02

  Canon films.

• 49:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, the more insane it gets. And there's one, I don't remember which death wish it is, but I watched it with our writer Matt O'Brien. And I just was, the whole time I was in heaven, we were watching it together and, and a bunch of old people live in an apartment complex.

• 49:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 49:38Conan O'Brien?

  Whatever, they hear a lot of yelling and shouting and noise and they look out the window and a motorcycle gang has taken over the neighborhood. And they've surrounded the apartment building and the old people are trapped inside and one of them, they're terrified. And they don't want to go out, they don't know what to do, they're trapped, they're old, they're scared. And they pick up the phone, they make a phone call and then cut to JFK Airport, a plane lands, Charles Bronson gets out. No, actually, I think specifically, he rides the bus.

• 50:07Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 50:09Conan O'Brien?

  And also the movie was so low budget, they didn't even want to pay for plane landing footage. So he gets off a bus at the Port Authority.

• 50:17Speaker 02

  And it's Manhattan.

• 50:18Conan O'Brien?

  He gets in, he's in the 30s, you know, he gets into a cab, he starts driving, he starts driving north. And suddenly, and the cab's driving along and then they cut and suddenly the cab, it's still supposed to be in Manhattan. Like up north in Manhattan, like 150th Street. But I think they're now shooting on a soundstage or they're in Syria.

• 50:41Speaker 05

  Bronson had a contract thing where he wouldn't leave California.

• 50:44Conan O'Brien?

  He wouldn't leave California.

• 50:45Speaker 05

  Because his wife was there.

• 50:46Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, thank you, thank God you're here because I swear to God, it switches to a completely different ecosystem. An arid desert that exists and there's some fragments of a sidewalk. And then Charles Bronson shows up and his solution, he meets with the old people and has tea. And then he decides, don't worry, I'll help you. And so he has a concealed, you know, magnum. And he walks around killing them. And it's insane.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  He's so brutal and he lacks the charm of like Liam Neeson, like when Liam Neeson's like fighting off 15 people, it's like, it's like, he's got something like. Charles Bronson just goes like, no, no shit, this guy's head off, that's it. Like it's like, and it's, it's violent. By the way, speaking of insane ideas, there's a show, I just saw it here in Los Angeles, a comedy theater. Called Bronson Tonight and it's Charles Bronson. Hosting a show as his Death Wish character.

• 51:38Conan O'Brien?

  Is the, uh, is the impression good?

• 51:40Speaker 02

  It's great.

• 51:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow.

• 51:42Speaker 02

  And, and it's, and his monologue jokes are, you know, uh, they're, they're labored, but they're stories about, you know, running into these, these gangs of toughs out in the street, but he's trying, he's trying his best to host a very traditional talk show. He had a, an animal, uh, person on the show and he's interviewing karate people, but it's like, it's no, it's, it's a great, it's a really scratch niche that I needed to be scratched to watch that.

• 52:08Conan O'Brien?

  Dana Gould, who's absolutely hilarious, does.

• 52:11Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 52:12Conan O'Brien?

  He does Dr. Zayas as a talk show host.

• 52:15Speaker 02

  So funny.

• 52:15Conan O'Brien?

  And it's, and it is note perfect. And what I love about the kind of comedy we're talking about and the kind of comedy that you've dedicated, uh, your life to, and wrongly, I think.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course, very wrong.

• 52:28Conan O'Brien?

  Is you come up with a premise and it's just a big horse pill and you get them to swallow it and then you're, you're good.

• 52:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 52:35Conan O'Brien?

  So Dr. Zayas has a talk show. Charles Bronson has a late night talk show.

• 52:39Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien has a talk show.

• 52:44Conan O'Brien?

  No, it really is the same idea, which is, um, uh, someone who shouldn't have a show, has a show. But we, I think people, comedy tastes have, uh, I don't want to say that they've evolved, but they maybe have de-evolved or devolved. They, uh, to the point where there's all this kind of attenuated, really.

• 53:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:06Conan O'Brien?

  Cool, um, concept heavy comedy that people will turn out for. And they'll watch and then there are shows like Bojack Horseman, you know, or, you know, really South Park. I mean, to think that South Park is one of the most influential shows, it's been on for 30 years. I mean.

• 53:24Speaker 02

  Do you remember when that, like, I remember getting like a, a wave file of just like the Christmas card, cause it started off as a Christmas card.

• 53:31Conan O'Brien?

  I had a pass along VHS tape.

• 53:32Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah.

• 53:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:34Speaker 02

  So it was like, that was like, and it was a comedy currency and I mean, that, that even started for me, you know, for lack of a better, or, I mean. The Jerky Boys, it was like the tape that everyone passed around and you'd be like, oh, have you heard it?

• 53:46Conan O'Brien?

  And then it became a movie and I remember thinking, how could this be a movie? And then I watched it and I thought, it can't be a movie.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  No way.

• 53:53Conan O'Brien?

  I just answered my own question.

• 53:56Speaker 02

  But yeah, that kind of, that kind of thing is really interesting, the way that people find each other, you wanna like share.

• 54:02Conan O'Brien?

  But it's fascinating now that whatever we're doing here, we're not trying to please anyone. We're just, we're just, I think, enjoying each other's company and talking to people and going off on weird tangents. I'm only bringing it up because I do think things have changed drastically from the way they were 20, 30 years ago.

• 54:24Speaker 02

  I think it's like important to be able to explore anything because anything can be a good idea or a bad idea. It's all in the execution of it, right? Like, cause it's like you may hear something like, ooh, that will never, ever work. But I think so many people are in this business, they're like before, there's like this gatekeeping of like, you can't, no, no, no one will ever like that. But if you can actually execute it your own way and show people, no, actually it works, then, I don't know. That's, that's what I think performing on stage, right? I love performing on stage is like, no one can say no to that and no one can say no to making a video. No one can say no to us making a show for YouTube kids, you know, if we wanted to do it. And I think that-

• 55:01Conan O'Brien?

  But someone should.

• 55:02Speaker 02

  Someone should. I mean technically, we will be arrested, we will be arrested for that.

• 55:05Conan O'Brien?

  Someone should intervene.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  But I think that that's like, it's, you know, cause it's hard to sometimes explain that nuance, like why that would work, why that's interesting.

• 55:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, a bunch of this you can't explain, you just have to do it and the proof is in the pudding. You just have to, you do it and then people go, people are laughing.

• 55:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 55:22Conan O'Brien?

  And they immediately accept, oh, that was great. I always knew that would work.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  Right, exactly.

• 55:26Conan O'Brien?

  And that's why I would be terrified to be an executive. If someone said, hey Conan, you've been in comedy a long time and why don't you, we'll give you this job at, you know, Paramount or Warner Brothers and you'll look at things and tell us if they'll be successful or not. I don't know. Well, it looks like a funny idea to me.

• 55:42Speaker 02

  There's a great thing that gets passed around every now and then, Paul Thomas Anderson's Boogie Nights. It's script coverage of Boogie Nights and it's like, this movie is terrible. The characters are awful, it's too long and it's like this long thing written by a studio person about why they were passing on this script. And it's the script that he shot and you have to look at it and be like, oh yeah, these, some, not everyone's gonna see.

• 56:06Conan O'Brien?

  What if they found out that the guy who wrote the coverage had a small penis?

• 56:11Conan O'Brien?

  And it was all just, it was all just rage. This is terrible. No one could have a penis over two inches. What is this, science fiction?

• 56:24Conan O'Brien?

  What is that? He has a third leg? I don't think so. Penises are tiny and they don't get bigger when you're attracted to something. And you go to doctors and they can't do a thing. Awful, boo.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  Pass on this.

• 56:41Conan O'Brien?

  What movies did he, uh?

• 56:44Conan O'Brien?

  What movies did you like? I liked The Tales of Little Wee Wee.

• 56:50Conan O'Brien?

  This amiable chap with a one inch, with a one inch pee pee nailed seven broads in one night. Cause that's the way ladies like it.

• 57:02Conan O'Brien?

  Alright, I should wrap this up. But let's get that made.

• 57:05Speaker 02

  I'm ready to make the. Put it on YouTube, kids.

• 57:08Speaker 01

  No.

• 57:08Conan O'Brien?

  Paul, thank you so much for stopping in. You're hilarious. And, uh, it was a lucky day when our paths crossed. And I'm just very happy that, uh, you are wildly successful with all these really funny projects. You know, and, uh, I say onward, go onward.

• 57:27Speaker 02

  Well, this is my, one of my favorite, uh, shows to listen to and you're just the best. And, and, you know, talking about comedy, I just want to say that your travel show is truly like, I think this like, one of the things that makes me laugh so hard.

• 57:40Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, good. Oh, thanks.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  To me is like this, yes, you're amazing in this, you're hilarious, but that like, it feels like you get to do this awesome sketch show that's like globe trotting that you don't ever get to see.

• 57:51Conan O'Brien?

  It's all, you know what? There are times where it's really hard and I'm in a van.

• 57:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:55Conan O'Brien?

  And you're in a hot tropical climate and you're thinking, I'm getting, I'm no spring chicken. I'm still in a van and someone's telling me, okay, jump out here in this toga and tackle that guy over there who doesn't know you and somehow make it funny. But it's also, uh, yeah, I, I'm constantly stepping outside my body and going, what are you doing? But I really love it and I mostly love it's improv with people in other lands who often don't know who I am.

• 58:24Speaker 02

  Right.

• 58:24Conan O'Brien?

  And they don't even really speak English, but my. Happiest moments are when, if I can make a little kid laugh, or someone who doesn't know who I am and doesn't speak English laugh, because we're doing something pretty primal, then I'm happy.

• 58:41Speaker 02

  It's, it's just cool to know that as much as, like, I, I have a lot of respect for people who still get up and try to do, like, and do it. Like, you're doing, like, you don't have to be traveling all around the world in a van.

• 58:53Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I do financially, I'm, they didn't tell you on the way in? I'm a terrible gambler.

• 58:59Speaker 02

  I made so many bets on this episode even, I don't even know.

• 59:04Conan O'Brien?

  Paul is gonna, I bet a $2 million that Paul will come in wearing a tank top. No!

• 59:09Speaker 02

  Oh, man. FanDuel presents Conan Needs a Friend. Over on under and when it ends in seconds? Okay, alright. I had to give, I gave money here too.

• 59:21Conan O'Brien?

  And then I'm arrested because I clearly control when it ends? Okay, oh, no, no, Paul, tell me that's, oh, wait, don't tell me. It's our fight!

• 59:37Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 59:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 59:41Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 59:55Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 1:00:03Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 1:00:08Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 1:00:28Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space with available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details. Did you know that 1 in 4 Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them?

• 1:01:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:08Conan O'Brien?

  You fell for one.

• 1:01:09Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam.

• 1:01:10Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 1:01:11Speaker 01

  I did lose, and it was very inconvenient, and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 1:01:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I don't know where they got that impression. Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 1:01:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:38Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 1:01:39Speaker 01

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 1:01:40Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  Oh, no, that's not the point of this.

• 1:01:42Conan O'Brien?

  That's not the point. One accidental click, Son, it can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Luckily, this is the point. Not that you should start scamming, but that everyone should get LifeLock.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Right, right, right, right, right.

• 1:01:54Conan O'Brien?

  LifeLock has live, U.S.-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft, from first alert to full restoration. This is fantastic. How do you not have this?

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:02:06Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:02:26Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:03:08Conan O'Brien?

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• 1:03:44Conan O'Brien?

  Not long ago on an episode, we were talking about how Sona was going to be a featured speaker and Q and A subject on a panel for an assistance convention. I think we want to follow up and see how that went. Yeah, I want to find out, how did the, how did it go? The assistance convention?

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  Here's the thing, if you are going to go to like a summit or a convention, go to one that assistance run. Because anything you need is like within arm's reach.

• 1:04:07Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I bet.

• 1:04:07Speaker 01

  They think of everything that you might need. I was like, at one point, I was like, I think I have something in my tooth. And I turned around and there was just dental floss.

• 1:04:14Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I thought you were going to say there's an extra tooth.

• 1:04:16Speaker 01

  Oh, you thought, you thought I was just gonna take a tooth?

• 1:04:18Conan O'Brien?

  That's how good these assistants are. There's a slight gap between my molar and my incisor. Here's a tooth.

• 1:04:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:24Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm just curious. Okay, let's set the table.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:04:27Conan O'Brien?

  This was a convention that you were invited to speak at.

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:04:30Conan O'Brien?

  An assistants convention.

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:32Conan O'Brien?

  And it's run by assistants?

• 1:04:33Speaker 01

  Yes. So the person who, I mean, I don't know how much she wants me to give away, but the person who started the organization used to work for Dick Costolo, who started Twitter.

• 1:04:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, okay.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  And so it's all very tech-heavy. They all work for like founders or CEOs or CTOs of like tech companies. The people they assist are like real people. As opposed to like...

• 1:04:57Conan O'Brien?

  Some late-night clown.

• 1:04:59Speaker 01

  No, you can say it. It's just, I feel like the stakes for them are really high because they're like massive billion-dollar corporations that their bosses run.

• 1:05:09Conan O'Brien?

  So what did they ask you and what did you say?

• 1:05:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, what did... I really do think it felt like I was like a party clown they hired.

• 1:05:16Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't this cute?

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  To give some levity to it. I really do think that's what I was there for. It was a really fun Q and A.

• 1:05:23Conan O'Brien?

  Because no one wants to hear you say, "Well, here are the 10 rules about being a good assistant." No one wants to hear that from you.

• 1:05:28Speaker 01

  What, what are you, why are you about to say?

• 1:05:30Conan O'Brien?

  I would, I would like to hear that. What are the 10 rules of being an assistant?

• 1:05:32Speaker 01

  Uh, give them enough material to riff off of.

• 1:05:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:36Speaker 01

  Um...

• 1:05:36Conan O'Brien?

  If your, if your boss has one glass of wine, you have three on his dime. Make, make reservations in his name and then bring your dog to the restaurant.

• 1:05:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:05:48Conan O'Brien?

  And you know that they won't toss you out.

• 1:05:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. Look for restaurants with at least $4 signs next to them. Because you know, he's gonna be putting it on, "No, you're not begging for it." Um, I just, I had, uh, I had a lot of fun. It was beautifully organized. I got good laughs. I told like some really solid stories from our time working together.

• 1:06:10Conan O'Brien?

  I bet, yeah.

• 1:06:11Speaker 01

  And it was, they loved, there's a lot of people who love you. They love you.

• 1:06:16Conan O'Brien?

  I love this convention.

• 1:06:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was really cool.

• 1:06:18Conan O'Brien?

  How come they wouldn't let me come speak?

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  Um, I, why do you have to overshadow me?

• 1:06:22Conan O'Brien?

  You're right.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  I mean, you're not an assistant. Why would you be there?

• 1:06:25Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? They did invite me first and I said, why don't you let Sona have a little?

• 1:06:29Speaker 05

  Then they invited me too. Isn't that weird?

• 1:06:31Conan O'Brien?

  No, they invited you first. You said no.

• 1:06:33Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:06:34Conan O'Brien?

  I said, I want, and then I gave it to you.

• 1:06:35Speaker 01

  It was perfectly organized, great, great people. I really had a really fun time. It was awesome.

• 1:06:41Conan O'Brien?

  Now, uh, while you were doing it, were you thinking, I could do more of these?

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  Yes, I want to do it.

• 1:06:46Conan O'Brien?

  But I talked to you about this. This is an avenue for you.

• 1:06:50Speaker 01

  I would do it.

• 1:06:50Conan O'Brien?

  And I like you to prosper.

• 1:06:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:52Conan O'Brien?

  Not too much, but I like you to get ahead in the world.

• 1:06:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:56Conan O'Brien?

  Um, and I think about my godchildren, your two kids.

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:00Conan O'Brien?

  I want them to, uh, be able to go to college and stuff. So this is a, this is what?

• 1:07:05Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, I know what you mean, but you made it sound like I can't do that now and I need to...

• 1:07:11Conan O'Brien?

  You spend so much on gummies.

• 1:07:12Speaker 01

  I said, uh, you know what? You make, you're, you're making a joke.

• 1:07:15Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not making a joke.

• 1:07:16Speaker 01

  But it, I spent at least like...

• 1:07:18Conan O'Brien?

  I love that you're whispering into a very expensive microphone.

• 1:07:20Speaker 01

  At least like 250 every time I order.

• 1:07:23Conan O'Brien?

  How often do you order? Daily?

• 1:07:24Speaker 01

  Like, uh, daily? You think I buy $250 worth of gummies daily?

• 1:07:30Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. You're losing teeth at these conventions.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  Oh my God. No, I...

• 1:07:33Conan O'Brien?

  So you, how much are you ingesting? Would you have one a night? Do you have two a night?

• 1:07:37Speaker 01

  Uh, no, no. I do like a, like a one, maybe five, if I'm feeling crazy, a 10 milligram at night after the boy's sleep.

• 1:07:45Conan O'Brien?

  Just say 10 mil, yeah. So you do like...

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  Don't say mil.

• 1:07:48Conan O'Brien?

  250 every two weeks or?

• 1:07:50Speaker 01

  Um, maybe even longer than that. Like, you know, it's, it's like, it's like maybe a monthly expense is 200 to, 250 to $300 on gummies.

• 1:08:00Conan O'Brien?

  Have you had a situation where...

• 1:08:01Speaker 05

  So we're talking $3,600 a year on gummies?

• 1:08:04Speaker 01

  Why'd you do that?

• 1:08:05Speaker 05

  I'm just, just as your accountant.

• 1:08:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:08:08Conan O'Brien?

  Now she needs another gummy to calm down. She's feeling anxious.

• 1:08:10Speaker 01

  You're saying I should do speaking engagements just to pay for my gummies?

• 1:08:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:08:14Conan O'Brien?

  But also I'm saying you, you have a big life, you know, you like the good things in life and you're gonna want more. This is an avenue for you and, um, you could be right up front about it when you give, do speaking engagements, like this is paying for my gummies.

• 1:08:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true. I thought about it, but then I don't want to do like, you know, like Exxon. I don't want to go, they don't want me to...

• 1:08:37Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what they pay? That's a lot of money.

• 1:08:39Speaker 01

  I bet it is.

• 1:08:40Conan O'Brien?

  No, I've had, I started out with principals and then and then I was like, I was on stage like, yeah, you guys make the landmines.

• 1:08:49Speaker 05

  You don't have to tell us you're doing a podcast.

• 1:08:52Conan O'Brien?

  Keep America moving, you know?

• 1:08:54Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:08:55Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't do that stuff.

• 1:08:55Speaker 05

  You should do gummy conventions.

• 1:08:57Speaker 01

  Do you think they have them? I bet like.

• 1:08:59Speaker 05

  They have assistance conventions.

• 1:09:00Speaker 01

  Well, I know, but those they, they know how to plan them.

• 1:09:02Conan O'Brien?

  No one shows up at the gummy convention. Just a bunch of empty seats. One guy staggers in.

• 1:09:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I don't know. I'm just saying this is an avenue for you that you should pursue.

• 1:09:13Speaker 01

  I would, I would love to do more of these speaking engagements, I think. Maybe like five a year would be great, you know, just to make some extra scratch. It would be fun.

• 1:09:22Conan O'Brien?

  You gotta make your scratch if you're gonna get those gum gums.

• 1:09:25Speaker 01

  But I also, I don't know who would want me other than assistants.

• 1:09:28Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, you kidding? No, there's so many people you could talk to. I mean, the Armenian community would always like to hear from you.

• 1:09:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I do a lot of Armenian stuff. I emcee gallows. I don't get paid for those.

• 1:09:39Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's right.

• 1:09:40Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't get paid for any of those because a lot of them are nonprofit. Like, what am I gonna do? Ask my people for payment money?

• 1:09:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, exactly. Say cough it up. Let's go.

• 1:09:49Speaker 01

  You wouldn't do it.

• 1:09:50Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 1:09:50Speaker 01

  You don't, you don't, you do how many charity events? You don't get paid for those.

• 1:09:54Conan O'Brien?

  No, I always try and hit them up later on. I go by the children's hospital and I say, where's my money? Please, sir, I have no leg.

• 1:10:05Speaker 01

  But you're, you know what? It's funny being in a room with all these really professional people. It does make me feel like I wasn't a real assistant. Like, I was an assistant to a very important figure in, like, but.

• 1:10:20Conan O'Brien?

  You lost me on that one.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  No, I am. You're, you know, you are a very big, important figure and then, but they're like in a complete, it's like, it's like meeting, you know, Michelle Obama's assistant.

• 1:10:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:10:30Speaker 01

  Who spoke there the year before I did.

• 1:10:32Conan O'Brien?

  That's so great that they went from Michelle Obama's assistant to you.

• 1:10:35Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:10:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, she's got like important places to be, important things to do.

• 1:10:39Speaker 01

  I know. That's what I'm saying. It's cool. And I, you know, I wrote a book called The World's Worst Assistant and they asked me to be there. It was really fun. It was cool. I liked it a lot.

• 1:10:48Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, if you've got a gig and you're hiring Sonamus Sessians here, call 555-2222. That number again is 555-2222.

• 1:10:56Speaker 01

  Thanks for your help, boss. Thank you. That's very nice.

• 1:10:58Conan O'Brien?

  Those calls are coming into a fake phone that exists only in TV and movies.

• 1:11:04Speaker 05

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sona Afshasian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away Jimmy.

• 1:11:25Speaker 05

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• 1:12:13Speaker 06

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• 1:12:44Speaker 06

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