11 Crazy Facts About Laundry, Showering, & Getting the “Little Stuff” Done That Will Make You Laugh (and Prove You’re Doing Better Than You Think)

In today’s episode, best-selling author and therapist KC Davis answers the question, "How can you be successful in many areas of your life but fall short on getting the laundry, dishes, or grocery shopping done?" Which begs the question: why are all the "little tasks" so hard?! Because when it’s time to get them done, they don’t "feel" so little. KC’s advice, breakthrough ideas, and research will make you realize you’re not the only one who feels like you’re drowning. And her compassionate, hilarious approach and simple tools will help you take better care of your home and yourself immediately. If you’ve ever said: Why can’t I get it all done? Why does everyone else do this without a struggle, and I am FAILING? I should really have my act together…. All the answers you need are in this episode. And if you (or someone you love) is having a moment where even taking a shower or brushing your teeth feels like climbing Mount Everest, KC Davis is an angel sent from the heavens to lift you up. This is one of my favorite conversations of all time. It’s so wide-ranging in topics and deeply relatable, laugh-out-loud funny, poignant, and actionable. Talking to KC is like having an old friend show up at your house with a mug of tea, a mop, and a casserole you can stick in the fridge. There are so many life-changing realizations that will restore your sanity—and the functionality of your home—that this is only Part One of your time with KC and me. Today’s episode will change your entire life. You will learn: A shocking approach to laundry and anything else in life that changes everything. (This one is so goooood!) 3 rules for self-care made simple A 5-step tidying method that will improve your life A genius trick for when the dishes or laundry are piled sky-high KC’s "momentum-building trick" that will make your brain work for you Making relaxation your right, not your reward Leveraging self-compassion as a motivational tool KC’s favorite phrase to say when she feels overwhelmed My mission today is to prove to you that if you don’t have your sh*t together, you aren’t broken. You’re just like the rest of us – you’re human. Get ready to laugh and learn as I confess the details of what a disaster I am at home, as we go step-by-step with instructions and affirmations for an empowering and gentle journey to a functioning space. Xo, Mel In this episode, you’ll learn: 3:30: Why is it sometimes so hard to do even the small things? 5:30: This is why you feel so much guilt when you’re not getting it all done. 9:15: Your disappointment in yourself goes so much deeper than chores. 10:30: Here’s what your piles of laundry say about you. OR don’t. 21:30: I confess; this is the only time I’m motivated to do laundry. 23:00: Who knew what a WIN it was every time you make it to the shower? 35:00: Here’s how brushing your teeth can creep up on you in insidious ways. 37:30: Research shows that drowning in shame arrests our psychological functioning. 41:45: Alternatives to showers when you just don’t have it in you. 45:00: How can you make your space calm? 48:00: This reframe of your household chores will change your life. 51:00: Ditch the guilt and shame when you realize you didn’t sign up for this. 52:30: Here’s why emptying the dishwasher is way worse than loading it. 54:00: KC found a system for her laundry and that changed everything. 57:00: Here’s a new way to look at tasks when every task feels monumental. Want more resources? Go to my podcast page at melrobbins.com. Disclaimer

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone, and you can organize your savings into vaults for the goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mel to get started. SoFi, get your money right.

• 0:43Mel Robbins?

  SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank, N.A., member FDIC. To me, self-expression is all about showing the world what's on the inside. That's why I want you to discover Pandora Talsman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design tells a story that's uniquely yours. Pandora Talsman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in store or online at pandora.net. This podcast is brought to you by Expedia. If you haven't booked your next trip yet, now is the time. Whether you're going to fly across the country

• 1:28Mel Robbins?

  or maybe you just want to explore a cool beach town this summer, Expedia makes it easy. Flights, hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle. And when you bundle, you can save up to 30% with everything you need in one app. Sign in to save savings vary. Expedia, the one place you go to go places. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 1:57Mel Robbins?

  Is it just me? Or some days, does it feel freaking impossible to stay on top of everything you have to do at home? I mean, from the laundry, to the dishes, to dinner, to groceries, pick up this, pick up that, walk the dogs, feed the cat. It is endless. And look, I know I'm not the only person who's overwhelmed. And I'm probably not the only person that looks at a pile of laundry and I see it as evidence that there's something wrong with me, that I can't get the laundry done. Because I keep getting DMs from so many listeners of this podcast, and you feel the exact same thing. Just listen to what fellow listeners are saying. Mel, "When everything gets overwhelming and multiple things happen at once, crazy workload, breakup, moving, I feel the need to protect the literal energy that I have for my kids,

• 2:41Mel Robbins?

  and then I'm drowning in the household chores." Or this one. "Everything is zapping my energy, even getting out of bed in the morning, so now I'm trying to avoid washing my hair for days." Been there. How about this one? "Emptying the dishwasher, laundry, you name it. I'm a single mom that works full-time. My whole life is overwhelming." Or this one. "When it gets to be too much, caring for myself always goes first. Showering, brushing my teeth, and then all of a sudden, the wheels come off on the household chores." Or this one. "Dishes. I hate doing the dishes. Hate, hate, hate." You know what? Me too.

• 3:26Mel Robbins?

  Same, same, same. Or finally. "I am just so overwhelmed with all the little things at the moment. I don't even know where to start." Well, guess what? You don't have to know where to start, because on behalf of you and me, I got us help and I found this amazing woman named Casey Davis. Now, she's a therapist, but she sounds more like a wise friend, and I love that. And what she says is, "The problem isn't the dishes, the laundry, or the cleaning. It's the shame and the judgment that you and I are putting on ourselves." And she is here to show us that there is a way to take the pressure off yourself and Get your to do list done and still manage to take care of yourself because you deserve that.

• 4:11Mel Robbins?

  In fact, within the first two pages of her bestselling book, How to Keep House When Drowning, I actually, huh, exhaled because she gets it. And more importantly, her wisdom, her genius step by step advice, her simple hacks are going to help you rise above the dirty dishes to a more compassionate and loving you. When you can remove the shame from your to do list, you will improve your life immediately. And that's my mission today, to prove to you that you don't have to have it all together. You aren't broken. You're just like the rest of us. You're human. And it's about damn time you and I talk about this. So please help me welcome Kacey Davis to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Kacey, we've been waiting for you, woman.

• 4:56Mel Robbins?

  Hello.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 4:58Mel Robbins?

  So, Kacey, I am so glad you are here because, you know, I struggle with staying organized and not beating myself up over it. I pretty much have my shit together in so many areas of my life. Can you explain why it's so hard to just get the simple chores done around the house?

• 5:22Speaker 01

  So I think there's kind of four variables here.

• 5:25Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  I think on a very basic level, there are emotional difficulties. If we can't get the laundry done on time, if the dishes are in the sink, we tend to tell ourselves that that's about us failing.

• 5:36Mel Robbins?

  Hmm.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  That's about us not being good enough. And that can really make it difficult to find motivation, to get on top of those tasks, to think of creative ways to help yourself. I think for some people, there's a physical aspect to it. You know, disability is a very real variable in making some of those tasks difficult. And then, of course, usually you have the emotional on top of it, right? It's hard for me to do this and therefore I must be failing. And then we have the mental aspect of it. I think that there's a lot of people, when they're under stress, when they're in bereavement, when life is just hard, you know, we don't appreciate how complex our brain is when it does those little tasks and how our brain

• 6:15Speaker 01

  You can go from doing things on autopilot to all of a sudden, every step feels like you have to make yourself do it. Laying on top of all of that are just the societal messages that we have gotten about care tasks and about whose job it is to do those care tasks. What does it mean about the value of that labor to get those care tasks done? You know, who should be above doing those types of tasks and whose job is it to do those tasks? And I, so I think you run into a long history societally of, you know, what do we think about domestic labor and about women and about

• 6:58Mel Robbins?

  People of color.

• 7:00Speaker 01

  People of color and, and how much should we have to pay for this kind of labor that we maybe don't see as valuable? And so there's, there's, there's surprisingly quite a bit of racism and sexism involved in those societal messages.

• 7:14Mel Robbins?

  That makes a lot of sense. From my own personal experience, I just think about the fact that I grew up in a house where my dad worked out of the house and my mom was a stay at home mom for most of it. And she did everything around the house. And it got ingrained in me subconsciously that it's just my job. And that if I'm not able to do that job on top of every other job, then something must be wrong with me. How does that piece, the subconscious piece of what was modeled for you and what society tells you and the fact that, let's just face it, most dudes are not doing the same amount of work. The division of labor in a household is proven by research should not be equal between people who identify as male and people who identify as female.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Well, it's that same modeling. They saw their mother do it all. And they saw their dad not do it. They saw the men, you know, get around the football game after Thanksgiving while the women went in the kitchen and cleaned the dishes. And so much of this domestic labor is invisible. You don't realize how much work has been done unless it's not done.

• 8:19Mel Robbins?

  That's so true. How does what you saw growing up, or what society has sort of imprinted on all of us, how does that impact what you're talking about when there's moral weight to whether or not the dishes are done, or the laundry is done, or your house is clean, or you got it all together?

• 8:38Speaker 01

  Well, you start to think, you know, my value, I think this especially happens for people who identify as one, my value is directly tied to my ability to pull this off. And even in, you know, I consider myself a very progressive woman, a very feminist woman, I don't think my value is how good I am at laundry, but then it becomes something even more insidious, which is, I should be able to have this career and not let my house fall to shit. That's what boss ladies do. And if I can't do that, you know, then I feel as though I'm failing. And then those old societal things that I didn't even think I believed about, well, if people come over, they're going to judge me for this house not being clean.

• 9:19Mel Robbins?

  I could not agree more. I am just like you in feeling like, okay, I'm a feminist, and I'm a badass boss lady, and I can do it all. But as I'm standing in the laundry room, and I see what is almost always a parade of piles on the floor, and I'm lucky enough that I've got a little room with a machine in it, I can do my laundry, I look at these piles on the floor, I look at the crisp white towels that I once bought at Target, and I say to myself, why are they blue? Why did somebody have to wash them with a pair of jeans? Why can't I stay on top of this?

• 10:02Mel Robbins?

  And I feel this level of overwhelm and failure that I don't want to feel. And this is universal. I was so blown away by the number of people that poured into the DMs and the comments that listen to this show that are overwhelmed by the simplest tasks of keeping up with your stuff at home and taking care of yourself. And so, aside from the bigger messaging, which I agree with you.

• 10:38Mel Robbins?

  How does that impact why it's so hard?

• 10:42Speaker 01

  Here we are 2023, where we're not only supposed to be on top of all the housework, but most of us are also supposed to have jobs and have ambitions and be a girl boss and do all these things. And it's just frankly, too much for one person to handle. We have looked at care tasks as moral obligations, that this is the sign of whether or not I'm a valid adult, I'm a good mother, I'm a competent spouse, I have my stuff together. And we equate having our shit together with being a worthwhile human being, being deserving of love.

• 11:19Mel Robbins?

  You're right. I just thought I was disorganized. This is a crisis of how I am actually showing up as a human being when I stare at these piles. It goes so much deeper, which is why what I read over and over and over again in the DMs is this heaviness around doing household chores and taking care of yourself. Let's keep going even deeper. You talked about the fact that chores and other actions around your house, doing the

• 11:58Mel Robbins?

  dishes, keeping it tidy, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, that these are morally neutral? What the hell does that mean?

• 12:08Speaker 01

  So, most of us, you know, like you said, we look at the laundry, we walk by the dishes, and there's this message we give ourselves of, "I'm really screwing up." Worst case, "I'm a failure. I don't deserve love." Best case, "Oh, Casey, get it together."

• 12:25Speaker 01

  There's this constant frustration, and we feel as though they are truly reflections of our character as a person. And the biggest message that I have for people is that it is a morally neutral task. Mess is morally neutral. Dishes do not make meaning, only people do. And we are assigning that meaning. That's coming from our head. Maybe it's our voice, maybe it's someone in our lives' voice that's kind of internalized, but we're the one walking by the dishes and going, "Look at what a failure I am."

• 12:59Mel Robbins?

  It's true, but I still don't quite get it because to me,

• 13:06Mel Robbins?

  when I see piles of dishes everywhere, when I see parades of laundry, when I can't get out of bed and on those mornings where I don't want to make my bed, or I see the trash piling over, or like this morning. This morning, I went to make a cup of coffee and the state of the milk in the carton was, you know, when you pick up a carton of milk and it's got maybe an inch? And you kind of shake it and you're like, uh-oh. Uh, is that like, is this gonna be okay? And then you screw off the top and take a whiff and you're like, this just turned. So I can't even get it together to get to the store to get a gallon of milk so that I can have my coffee here.

• 13:49Mel Robbins?

  And then I stand there and I'm like, just what you said. Mel, what the hell? You can't even like get the fridge stocked? You can't keep milk in place for yourself so you can have a cup of coffee for crying out loud? What is wrong with you?

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, so the meaning that you made about that.

• 14:06Mel Robbins?

  But isn't that true? Like, isn't there something wrong with the fact that I can't keep the fridge stocked? And I can't keep on top of the laundry? Like, aren't I doing something wrong?

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Well, that's the meaning that you made of it. But let me ask you this, Mel. Like, what else could it mean? What else could that pile of laundry mean?

• 14:24Mel Robbins?

  It could mean that we've had nonstop visitors for the last 10 days. And, um, people use a lot of towels. That's what that means.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, so that's kind of like a neutral, neutral thing, right? Like, oh, we had visitors. That's certainly morally neutral. Let me tell you, what did you do with those visitors while they were here?

• 14:46Mel Robbins?

  We hung out. We had a great time. We swam in the pond. We watched the sunset. We ate great meals. We played cribbage. We went out to dinner. It was awesome.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  So you exercised hospitality. You prioritized those relationships while they were in your home. I mean, to me, that laundry means something good about you.

• 15:08Mel Robbins?

  Oh, I love you already. This is good.

• 15:12Speaker 01

  Right? Like, you've prioritized something that I think if we were all just to look at the objectively, is more important than, than the laundry that day, or however many days. Now, don't get me wrong. You still deserve clean clothes. So I'm not saying laundry doesn't matter. But it sounds like that mess in your home actually means really good things about you.

• 15:36Mel Robbins?

  It's true. So I have a question that I want you to answer when we come back from the break. And the question, Casey, is this. What if you have that same pile of laundry and it's just you solo? And you haven't had a bunch of visitors and you can't find a reason that's important enough for why you haven't done it? Stay with us because Casey is going to give us the answer to that question when we return. Sometimes the hardest part of starting something new is starting, especially when it comes to exercise. That first step out the front door, oh, that's a big one. So it helps when you're wearing shoes that make it feel easier. That's why I want to tell you about our sponsor, Ultra. Their shoes are designed to make your first step and

• 16:21Mel Robbins?

  every step more comfortable. The secret is in the Ultra Fit, which has more room for your toes. And you get comfort, balance, and strength all in one, so you can move more naturally as you run, walk, or train. Whether you're just getting started or already logging serious miles, Ultra shoes are designed to move with you stride after stride. Shop now at ultrarunning.com and use code MEL10 for 10% off at checkout. And if you want even more savings and you've got an HSA or FSA account, you can use those pre-tax dollars on Ultra Shoes through TruMed. Just head to trumed.com/ultra to check your eligibility,

• 17:02Mel Robbins?

  and it may save you an average of 30%. TruMed is for qualified customers. HSA/FSA tax savings vary. Experience Ultra and stay out there at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com. Are you getting enough omega-3s in your diet? Your heart, brain, and immune system all need omega-3s to function the way they're supposed to. Now, this is backed by tens of thousands of studies. And yet, over 80% of Americans are not getting enough omega-3s from food alone. That's why I want to tell you about Nordic Naturals. This is not your typical fish oil. They use high-quality, sustainably sourced ingredients.

• 17:46Mel Robbins?

  They test everything for purity and freshness. And get this, it actually tastes good. No gross, ugh, aftertaste. And the worst, no fishy burps. I hate those. That's why Nordic Naturals is the number one selling omega-3 brand. Use promo code MEL for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com and discover the power of omega-3 with Nordic Naturals. Supplements are not evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent diseases. Here's the thing. When it comes to investing, who doesn't love having options? Some days, you might want a little more control. Hey, it's only human.

• 18:29Mel Robbins?

  And other times, you may want a teammate in your corner. Well, with Schwab, you get all the things all in one place. Like self-directed investing when you're thinking, hey, I got this. Or full-service wealth management when you're like, you know what, maybe I need some help handling things. You also have investing, trading, college planning, and more. Whether you're mapping out long-term goals, building a diversified portfolio, or just getting started and learning the ropes, there's support when you need it and independence when you want it. Whatever the approach, Schwab can help you invest your way. Because if you're going to do this whole money thing, you might as well choose a firm that lets you do it your way, right? Visit schwab.com to learn more. That's S-C-H-W-A-B dot com.

• 19:13Mel Robbins?

  Here's something you might find encouraging. The best version of your life isn't always down the road. Sometimes, it's right here in front of you. That's why Buick is here to help you show up at your best, live with intention, and remember that now is exceptional. Whether you're showing up in style with the Buick En vista with its head-turning design and quiet-tuning technology with active noise cancellation, or you're embarking on a night out in the three-row Buick Enclave, where a tech-forward spacious interior keeps you connected to your drive and your crew. Every Buick SUV is designed to reward the road you're on and the moment you're in. So keep pushing yourself forward.

• 19:57Mel Robbins?

  But remember to enjoy the ride today.

• 20:01Mel Robbins?

  Visit buick.com to discover premium design that amplifies every day. That's buick.com. Buick, exceptional by design.

• 20:15Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and I'm here with the remarkable Casey Davis. And she is freeing me and you from laundry shame. She has just told me that my piles of laundry mean nothing about my worth as a person. And household chores are what she says are morally neutral. Casey, let's take this further. So if somebody that's listening is like, well, I had no visitors. And it's just piled up. Like the kids soccer stuff is piled up. Or my roommate's pile of laundry is in front of my pile laundry. Or it's like now at the end of my bed because the laundromat is down the street. How would you flip that for somebody listening?

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Well, it helps to think, what would I say to a friend sometimes in this case? Because what if what it means about you is that you're having a hard time? But don't, don't people who are having a hard time deserve compassion? And aren't you also people? Like, does it have to mean? It doesn't have, we don't, it's not toxic positivity. It doesn't have to mean something great about you, although sometimes it does.

• 21:23Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Maybe it just means you're having a hard week.

• 21:27Mel Robbins?

  What, what immediately occurred to me, Casey? Is that I think it's easier for many of us to say,

• 21:40Mel Robbins?

  you're a piece of shit. Or you can't deal than to drop deeper and be honest with yourself. And admit that the pile of laundry at the end of your bed means you're just having a hard time. It's overwhelming at work. You've been fighting with your significant other. You are feeling a little lost. And that's what that pile of laundry represents, which is why it feels kind of scary on some level that it's gotten to this. Does that make sense?

• 22:13Speaker 01

  And it's not, it's not an indictment, though. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't want to recognize that I'm having a hard time so that I can then feel bad about myself. Because we get into this rat race of self-improvement, where my worthiness is tied to how self-improved I am. Like, I must optimize my mental health and my emotional health and my physical health and my nutrition and my gut health, like, at all times, right? And the truth is, is that the reason we pursue those things is because it increases our quality of life. It's not a, I'm more lovable when I'm on top of the laundry. I'm more lovable when I'm doing self-care. For so many of us, self-care just becomes another thing that we can't get to, that we don't have the time for,

• 22:58Speaker 01

  that we don't have the energy for. And now we feel bad, great, and I can't even take care of myself right. What a piece of shit I am.

• 23:04Mel Robbins?

  Right. No, it's so true. And so, how do you want all of us, and especially you, listening to this conversation, to think about self-care? Brushing your teeth, washing your face, resting, eating okay, being kind to yourself? How do you want us to think about self-care? Because you're right. So many of us, I know, I feel like I put my business first, I put my kids first, I put the dogs first, I put my husband first, I put everybody that works for me first. And I often don't do the things for me that I know that I need, and then I make myself wrong for not taking care of myself.

• 23:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:48Mel Robbins?

  So how do you want us to think about taking care of ourselves?

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Well, I want us to bring it down to the very basics, like away from bubble baths and pedicures and yoga and things like, and to the very basics of laundry, dishes, you know, a clear space to walk, not that those things are a measure of whether you're failing or not. Yeah. Because like we, like we established, there will be days where the laundry means, "Oh, I must be having a hard time." And there'll be days when laundry means, "I'm nailing it today. I am actually prioritizing all the things that need to prioritize." So that's what we mean when we say the laundry itself morally neutral. It could give you some information, but it's morally neutral. There's nothing wrong with laundry. I would not be able to know whether you were feeling good or bad by looking at your laundry.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  But self-care, at its core, is about doing a task that cares for self. And we've gotten to a place where we see the dishes and the laundry not only in service for other people, like my job is just to do those things for the people in my home, but also as this external measurement for whether I'm measuring up, as opposed to looking at the laundry and going, "Okay, it's been a busy week. I had friends. I loved that. I prioritized the right things. And I deserve clean clothes. And I deserve clean dishes to eat off of. And my kids deserve a clean place to play." And the beauty of that is that that does not require that you do all of your laundry,

• 25:22Speaker 01

  or all of your dishes, or have a perfectly clean playroom. What does it mean? We want to get away from, "Is it clean enough? Is it perfect? Will Better Homes and Gardens come take a picture of this? Will my mother-in-law judge me?" And just, "Is it functional?" Hmm. Because sometimes I'm in a place where there's a lot going on, good, bad, stressful, happy, and I can see, "I'm not going to have clean clothes if I don't do some laundry." And I can make the choice, "Okay, for the next two hours, I'm going to do all the laundry." Or I can make the choice, "You know what? I'm going to wash and dry one outfit because I don't have the capacity to do anything else right now, but I do deserve clean clothes tomorrow." Or I can go, "You know what?

• 26:07Speaker 01

  I am privileged enough to have the budget to ship this shit out this week." And there's nothing moral about that decision.

• 26:16Mel Robbins?

  That's what I should do, because I hate doing laundry. And I'm in a position, finally, at the age of 54, and working my tail off, that I could probably drop things off at a laundromat and have somebody else do it. There is so much that you just said there that I want to unpack, because I'm going to confess something to everybody. And you might not believe that this is true, but this is an actual fact. Mel Robbins does laundry when she runs out of underwear. That is when I do my laundry.

• 26:57Mel Robbins?

  And it's at that moment, because I do believe I deserve clean underwear. I'm beyond the days of college where I would sometimes turn them inside out. Don't tell me you haven't done that in a pinch, everybody. That's the tipping point. And I want to stay on this topic of why some of these simple, or seemingly simple, chores or tasks of taking care of yourself can be so daunting. Let's talk about showering, because one of the things that I noticed in the 56 pages

• 27:36Mel Robbins?

  of DMs that we received in a matter of 12 hours from our audience about feeling overwhelmed by chores or taking care of yourself, showers kept coming up. I'm going to read some from our listeners. "One of my first indicators that I'm slipping into a funk is I start avoiding showers. Perhaps it's a reflection of how I subconsciously view myself, but I can't even find the energy to want to." Another one, "I say to myself, I can sit here and do nothing and feel like crap, or I can move and do things and feel crappy. But on my worst mental health days, even taking a shower is so incredibly exhausting."

• 28:21Mel Robbins?

  Here's another one, "My self-doubt got so bad after a breakup at one point, even the thought of showering was exhausting."

• 28:30Mel Robbins?

  Can you help us understand why something that seems on the surface like something that you would do every day, it's not that big of a deal, is actually daunting?

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Well, it really comes down to brain science and the way that your brain works. The part of your brain that does things like make the decision to get up and do something, time management, shifting your focus back and forth, maintaining that motivation. All of these little things are called executive functions. And everyone has had the experience of maybe having a stressful day at work or a lot going on and you're thinking and you're thinking and you're thinking and you just hit a wall and your brain goes, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore.

• 29:15Mel Robbins?

  I call that Tuesday.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. And that happens to us. It happens to us under stress. It happens to us with sleep deprivation. It happens to us with physical pain. It happens to us if we've just had a lot to do that day. It happens to us if there's a lot of emotional things going on. And it happens to us if we have a disorder or a struggle that just biologically compromises those executive functions. So if we have ADHD, autism, PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, all of those things. And so we think souring is this simple two-step process. It's more like 35 steps. And when your executive functions are firing properly, it runs like autopilot. I mean, think about getting on a plane and taking off and you're thinking, okay, you get on the plane, you take off.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  But if you were to look at that from the perspective of the guy in the air traffic control.

• 30:05Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 01

  And how much he's doing, you've got these planes in the air, these planes here, move this plane over there, land this one, take off this one, this one needs to stall, this one needs to go in a circle, and move this plane over there and we have a service issue on this plane, so back it up off of this one and I need this plane to kind of circle around for a while while I address this. And that is how complex your brain is when it is trying to do even a simple task. And that is your executive functioning. It's trying to deal with your emotions, your thoughts, the time management, your behaviors, what behavior should it initiate, what feelings are coming in, what information do you need to consider about the rest of your day? I mean, it is that complex.

• 30:43Mel Robbins?

  Not to mention what the pilot's doing. Walk us through these invisible 35 steps, or at least the first couple, so that you really break this down and allow the person listening to understand that when you're overwhelmed, this isn't just hop in the shower and hop out. This is a series of conscious decisions and actions that you need to take at a moment in time where you already feel like you're moving in quicksand. So let's just break down something simple like showering or brushing your teeth.

• 31:18Speaker 01

  So wherever you are, you have to think about the shower. That's step one. Then you're going to have feelings about the shower, and you're going to have to navigate those feelings. And so however many steps that takes you, you're going to have some thoughts about whether or not you do or do not want to shower, and you're going to have to contend with those thoughts. So you just read those people's examples, and you can hear their first step. Oh, I haven't done this in so long. Oh, what a piece of junk I am. I'm so dirty, I'm ashamed, I can't let anybody know about this. So already, we're in a hard spot. Now we're having to contend with a bunch of emotions that make us feel like failures. And our brain is naturally going to want to go, nope, we need to move away. We need to move away from the thing that makes us feel like a failure.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  You are going to need to make a motor plan to stand up, and you're going to stand up. You're going to have to think about whether or not you have time to shower. Maybe you need to also deal with the time management aspect. Do you have time to take a shower? Short shower, long shower? What else do you have to do today? Do you need to go pick something up? You don't want to do that dirty, but you also want to go exercise? And so you don't want to do that clean? And you've got to figure all that out in your brain.

• 32:24Mel Robbins?

  Where are the kids? What's happening with the dogs? Is the roommate here?

• 32:28Speaker 01

  How much time do you have to shower? Do you need to set an alarm? Do you need to get some clean towels? Do you have clothes to wear? You need to think about what you're doing that day. That's a step, right? Like, if I want to go to drop something off for my kid at school, and I don't want to look dirty to do it, but also I wanted to go exercise, and I don't want to go exercise clean, that seems silly. So you've got to figure that out. This is all before we've even gotten to the bathroom, by the way. And so we're going to go to the bathroom. On the way to the bathroom, one really important step is ignoring all of the stimuli coming in on the way to the bathroom. So if you see other things that need to be done, other things that are going to try to take your attention. So we get to the shower.

• 33:05Mel Robbins?

  Oh, the shower's dirty. Why did my roommate leave their razor in here? Uh, uh, uh, what time is it?

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Now, you have to take your clothes off. And that might bring lots of steps. That might bring in some steps dealing with how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your body. That's going to bring in maybe some sensory issues. Are you cold? Are you hot? Do you need to do something different? Do you want to adjust the temperature? Do you want to turn on it? Like, all those steps, right? Now, we have to turn on the water. So, we can turn the water on. Now, we have to wait. We have to wait for it to get to a certain temperature, and then we need to adjust it. And let's hope that your water's working and on, by the way, or we're going to have to take some time to think about the financial struggles that you're under. Or, you know, that you don't have one of those ones that either gives you ice cold or lava of Mordor, because then we can think about our plumbing for a while. So, you get it right to where it needs to be. Your clothes are off. You make sure you have a towel. You make sure you have a bath mat.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  You get in. You make sure that you have your shampoo, and you're this, and you're that. And did you get your razor out? Because I'm always getting in and realizing I don't have my razor, because I've taken something out of the thing, right? Now, you have to decide kind of what order you're going to go in. People feel very strongly about this. So, you're going to wash your hair, and you're going to do it right. And then, you're going to think about how you're supposed to wash it twice, but maybe you won't. And what does that mean? And then, you're going to have just like random thoughts.

• 34:22Mel Robbins?

  Do I have shampoo? Do I want to blow dry my hair? If I get my hair wet, should I get my hair wet? If I'm not getting my hair wet, where is the thing to put my hair up in?

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Yeah. There's lots of steps in processing the random thoughts, and so you don't get distracted and just stand there. Then, you're going to do the conditioner. So, maybe you rinse, washed, repeat. Maybe you didn't. What's happening with that water? Do you have other things going on? Are you wanting to run the dishwasher? Does somebody else need to take a shower? How long can you sit here under this hot water? So, we're going to do that. Then, you're going to do your body. Do you have the soap? Do you have a loofah? Are you going to use your loofah? What order are you going to go in on your body so you don't end up washing your face right after your ass? Right? You're going to do all that. Then, let's think about like, what cosmetic things are we going to do in here? Are we going to shave our legs? Are we going to shave our armpits? Do we want to do any of that? Let's, you know, maybe we do our face in here. Maybe we brush our teeth in here. We have to make all of those decisions.

• 35:15Speaker 01

  Then, we have to stand there under this warm, amazing water, and think about the fact we have To get out, you might have to think about what time it is. You might have to answer a child. You might have to think about, okay, now we have to psych ourselves up to get out of this warmth. So then you'd have to make the decision to turn it off. Then you have to make the decision to probably dry your hair or wrap your hair up. Then you get your other towel. You have to dry your body. You have to get out of the shower. You have to contend with the sensory change. You have to decide, am I going to just stand here and look at my phone on the bed? Or, you know, am I going to completely go? Do I want to get a brand new towel that's clean and dry? Or do I want to go with this damp one I have around my body? Then you have to decide where to throw those towels. Are they going to go on the floor? Are they going to go in the hamper? Do you have a hamper?

• 35:59Speaker 01

  Um, you know, are you going to hang them back up to use them again? When is the last time you used that towel? By the way, is it ready to go in the hamper? Or can you put it back up on the thing? Okay, now you're naked. Now what are you going to do? Are you going to put clothes on immediately? Is it the clothes you're going to go out in? Are you at that weird damp phase where maybe you don't want to quite put your clothes on, but you don't want to stand there naked? So maybe you go to your closet and you go get your clothes on and then you come back and then you have to decide. I mean, like, all of this is still like the act of showering and we haven't even put our clothes on or done our hair.

• 36:27Mel Robbins?

  Hmm.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  And when you're already under stress, it's not just that first step you have to like psych yourself up for and consciously do. You're having to put that much energy into every step.

• 36:38Mel Robbins?

  You know, what's interesting is that I went for a walk this morning and I was going to take a shower. But when I got there, I started considering how much time and then I realized I hadn't fed the dogs yet. And then I looked down at the floor and there was no bath mat there. And I thought, I don't want to get out of the shower and then put like have it track water everywhere. And then I looked at the towels and then I thought, I don't, well, if I could lay down a towel, but then I'm going to have to wash that towel because then I'm not going to want to take a towel that I stepped on with my dirty ass feet around my body. You're right. It's way more complicated.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  And then you're thinking about the laundry that got piled up because you had the guests and everybody used the towels and, oh, maybe you should actually go do the laundry, right? Like there's, it's, and that's the attention shifting focus, right? So if any of that's impaired, you're just staring and, and you're paralyzed and you're frozen. All right. Showers are also boring. Like, can we just get real? Like, I enjoy them when I'm in them, sure, but they're fricking boring. There's nothing to look at, there's nothing to listen to, there's nothing to do but think your own thoughts. And if you don't want to be doing that, that's another, like, hard part about the shower. We haven't even touched whether you have any physical issues. Do you have pain in your body? Are you tired? Do you get lightheaded when you stand? Do you have, right, like, any of that?

• 38:01Mel Robbins?

  Wow. I hadn't even considered that. Another self-care kind of thing that a lot of people talked about was brushing their teeth.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. It's the number one thing that comes up, the thing they are most ashamed to struggle with is brushing their teeth.

• 38:20Mel Robbins?

  Really? You know, Casey, I would love for you to explain to us why that's what we are most ashamed of when we're not doing it. I need to take a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors, but when we come back, let's take a compassionate look at why we have so much shame around not brushing our teeth in those moments when we feel too overwhelmed to do so. Stay with us.

• 38:48Mel Robbins?

  Are you getting enough omega-3s in your diet? Your heart, brain, and immune system all need omega-3s to function the way they're supposed to. Now, this is backed by tens of thousands of studies, and yet over 80% of Americans are not getting enough omega-3s from food alone. That's why I want to tell you about Nordic Naturals. This is not your typical fish oil. They use high-quality, sustainably sourced ingredients. They test everything for purity and freshness, and get this, it actually tastes good. No gross aftertaste, and the worst, no fishy burps, I hate those. That's why Nordic Naturals

• 39:31Mel Robbins?

  is the number one selling omega-3 brand. Use promo code MEL for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com and discover the power of omega-3 with Nordic Naturals.

• 39:43Mel Robbins?

  Supplements are not evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent diseases. One of the things I'm most proud of here at the Mel Robbins Podcast is that we're constantly growing and hiring new amazing people to join the team. So let me introduce you to our new producer, Matt. Matt, you just moved to Boston, joined our team, furnished your new apartment with our sponsor, Wayfair. Be honest, how empty was this place when you got the keys?

• 40:10Speaker 02

  It was pretty sad. Like, air mattress on the floor, eating takeout in a lawn chair, sad.

• 40:15Mel Robbins?

  So where did you even start?

• 40:17Speaker 02

  Went straight to Wayfair because I needed everything. Bed frame, couch, area rug, desk, you name it.

• 40:22Mel Robbins?

  How did Wayfair help you feel at home?

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Once I laid out the rug and assembled the couch, I was like, all right, this is home now.

• 40:29Mel Robbins?

  Well, there you have it. More than 20 million verified five-star reviews on Wayfair. Help shoppers buy with confidence. Plus, Wayfair Rewards members get 5% back on every purchase. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5% back on every purchase. Head to wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com.

• 40:52Speaker 03

  Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 40:54Mel Robbins?

  This podcast is brought to you by Expedia. If you haven't booked your next trip yet, now is the time. Whether you're going to fly across the country, or maybe you just want to explore a cool beach town this summer, Expedia makes it easy. Flights, hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle. And when you bundle, you can save up to 30% with everything you need in one app. Sign in to save. Savings vary. Expedia, the one place you go to go places.

• 41:30Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. We're here with Casey Davis, the author of How to Keep House When You're Drowning. And Casey just revealed that the number one thing that people feel the most ashamed to admit when you're struggling is that things have gotten so bad, you're not even brushing your teeth. Why do you think that is, that they're ashamed of that?

• 41:48Speaker 01

  There's so much messaging around dirtiness and cleanliness when it comes to our body. To be dirty is to be gross, to be disgusting. And when you're struggling with that, we don't talk about that a lot. So you're thinking you're the only one struggling with it. You're the only gross one. And so you better not let anyone know how gross you are because who would love such a gross person? And so now, we're not just dealing with maybe some executive functioning, or some mood issues, or some frustration, or whatever it is to go brush your teeth. We're dealing with the whole weight of what a piece of shit you are, that you can't get it a nut together to be a basic human being. Do you even deserve clean teeth? I mean, it just gets real dark, real fast.

• 42:33Mel Robbins?

  Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you. Because, you know, the topic of shame and self-hatred, or self-criticism, is this big, kind of heady topic. And I love your work, because you're identifying the ways in which it creeps, in an insidious way, into the day-to-day aspects of our life. And if you're living your life in a way where I think all of us are, you see a pile of laundry, there's evidence that you don't have your act together. You see a dirty, messy house, there's evidence that you don't have your act together, and you better not invite friends over. You see the fridge has sour milk in it, like mine did this morning, it's evidence that you just can't get it done.

• 43:18Mel Robbins?

  And you're never gonna get it done. And when you talk about the number-one thing that people are ashamed about when it comes to not being able to really have your self-together, being brushing your teeth, and the pounding that you give yourself for just not being able to do that, I will share with everybody, because it's occurring to me, this is a way in which shame and judgment has crept into my life. There are lots of mornings where I'm either running late, or I'm too tired, because, you know, I've got this electric toothbrush, and you're supposed to do it for two minutes, and I don't feel like doing it for two minutes.

• 44:01Mel Robbins?

  And then I have this other thing too, where I have a... This is probably getting to be too much TMI, everybody, but I'm just going there, okay? I have a really weird, like, gag reflex. It's like, super trigory. Like, I can't brush my tongue, you guys. Like, I'm embarrassed to admit this. Like, what's wrong with me that it's like, eh, eh, eh? And so then, I never brush my teeth for the two minutes that you're supposed to. I always turn it off early. I get bored while I'm doing it. And just recently, my dog chewed up the end of it. I went for probably five days without a toothbrush. So what did I do? I swizzled the Listerine, and I'd pop a thing of gum in my mouth. But then I felt bad all day, like, there's something wrong with me. Like, I've got

• 44:45Speaker 01

  No, there's not.

• 44:45Mel Robbins?

  carpeting on my teeth. No, I don't, because I just chewed it off with a piece of gum.

• 44:50Speaker 01

  I brush my teeth at best every other day. It's been a struggle since I had my second kid. And this is the same with every other care task. When you begin to speak about it plainly and without shame, like we're doing right now, maybe we feel a little shame, but we're saying it out loud. It's important to remember that we're not just talking about breaking free from shame because it's a nice thing to do, or because, you know, it's warm and fuzzy to like feel nice about yourself. It is because research has shown that being sort of drowning in shame arrests your psychological functioning. And that compassion and self-compassion actually increases your psychological functioning. So I don't just want you to step away from shame because, you know, rah rah, you deserve it, although I do think that's true.

• 45:35Speaker 01

  I want you to have better functioning in your life, better quality of life. And just from a practical standpoint, it is going to require we step out of shame. And a lot of us don't want to let go of shame because we feel as though beating ourselves up is the atonement that we can pay for not being good enough. It's this weird way of trying to regain some sense of worthiness because I may not be worthy, but I know that it's a good thing to hate bad things, so at least I hate myself. At least that one part of me is worthy.

• 46:10Mel Robbins?

  I do feel a little dirty. I'm going to admit it. I feel like there's something, like it's some weird thing about me that, and now I'm realizing, we probably traumatized my son because he literally went years without brushing his teeth when he was little. He had yellow, fuzzy, carpeted teeth, and he's got big choppers. And we teased him, "Dude, you can't go to school." And so now I need to clean that mess up. But I do feel like there's something dirty about not brushing your teeth. Why do we feel this way?

• 46:41Speaker 01

  It's the same thing. We've moralized the ability to care for ourselves. And the truth is, is that most of these things are pretty simple to fix or help. But you wouldn't know that if you were too afraid to speak to somebody plainly about it. I mean, this, I see this a lot with postpartum mothers. Because you're used to, you wake up, you go to your vanity, you're going outside. The main motivation that I always had for brushing my teeth, that kept me brushing my teeth every day, was I'm about to walk out the door and people are gonna smell my breath. All of a sudden, I had a kid, I started working from home, I don't leave my house every day. That motivation went away, yet I had 30 years where that was the main motivation for brushing my teeth. And now I don't have it, and I know what it's supposed to be.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  I know it's supposed to be, oh, I want my teeth to not fall out of my head and I wanna be clean. But that's such a far away thing, whereas I was used to working with a motivation that was a very instant feedback. I'm having to redo my whole neural pathway of how I think about teeth brushing. I don't go to my sink the first thing in the morning because a baby's crying or a puppy's whining. Not to mention, for a lot of people, they felt so ashamed of this. And when you give them permission to get curious about what is the barrier, they think and they think and they say something like, you know, the taste of mint burns my mouth. It's a really unpleasant sensation. And then you go, okay, well, what if we use some strawberry toothpaste? And it's like, wait, what?

• 48:09Speaker 01

  Like, years of avoiding this task and feeling bad about it and feeling ashamed about it and feeling this, that, and the other, when, man, maybe it's, maybe, maybe the issue isn't, you know, you're a fuck up. Maybe the issue is you have a sensory sensitivity and you can just use some strawberry toothpaste. Like, what is a moral issue about having a gag, like a sensitive gag reflex?

• 48:32Mel Robbins?

  I don't know. I just feel like I shouldn't.

• 48:37Mel Robbins?

  It's the stupidest ways in which we beat ourselves up.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, like you're allowed to be human.

• 48:43Mel Robbins?

  And you know, you know what I thought when you said, oh, you could get strawberry toothpaste. My immediate reaction, Casey, was, well, that's for kids.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 48:51Mel Robbins?

  That's not like adult toothpaste. And so now I'm not giving myself permission to make it work for me. I'm again, coming back to this, like, it's gotta be a certain way. You gotta do it a certain way. And if you don't, you're dirty and you're this and something's wrong with you.

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's my first thought when you were reading the thing about the showers. My thought was, what's the point of a shower?

• 49:14Mel Robbins?

  To clean yourself?

• 49:15Speaker 01

  Okay, so if the point is to be clean, and I would agree, all of those people deserve to be clean and comfortable. Is a shower the only way to get clean?

• 49:26Mel Robbins?

  That's a good point. No, you could stand in front of the sink and wash your private parts in your armpits.

• 49:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:33Mel Robbins?

  You could wipe yourself down with a baby wipe.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  Yeah. What if someone says, I don't like getting in the shower because I don't want to do my hair? Okay, well, what if you didn't do your hair?

• 49:44Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  Well, I hate the sensory sensitivity of being hot, cold, hot, cold. Okay, well, do you have a little heater that you could turn on for 20 minutes before you got into the shower? Is there a podcast you love that could be your shower podcast? So you're not as bored when you're in there? Is there, like, there's all these things we can do if we get out of the shame aspect of it? And just go, here's the thing, I deserve to be clean, having a hard time getting in the shower. Is there some ways I can move around these barriers? Like, not every barrier has to be gone through.

• 50:17Mel Robbins?

  Hmm. I love that. And by the way, I'll go in the shower with you. So if you want somebody to talk to you while you're showering, you just take Mel Robbins right in there with you.

• 50:29Mel Robbins?

  You wrote in your book that your space should serve you. What do you mean?

• 50:37Speaker 01

  So I think for a lot of us, you know, we look at those dishes and we look at the laundry, we feel so overwhelmed and we react in one of two ways. We either feel paralyzed at how much there is and do nothing and it builds up and builds up and builds up. Or we go into that activated state and we just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And we don't allow ourselves to sit. We don't allow ourselves to rest. We don't allow ourselves to do anything less than perfect. And because of those two things, um, we, we have a lot of people that are kind of running around like a chicken with their head cut off, kind of pinballing about their house, trying to get things done. And there's this exhaustion of it, it's not good enough and that's a reflection on me

• 51:22Speaker 01

  and how well I'm doing. And what I like to say is you do not exist to serve your house. Your house exists to serve you. So yes, that's going to take some maintenance from us, but it's your, it's your house's job to serve you, not your job to serve a house.

• 51:39Mel Robbins?

  What do you do if you're someone like me that truly prefers a house that is pulled together? Like my brain, when the counters are clear and the shoes are in the cubbies and the pillows have a karate chop, you know, I, I can feel my brain go, ah. So a house that serves me best is the one that really does look pulled together. And yet there are times where I can't seem to pull it together. And maybe Casey, it's because for my family chores and picking up seem to be morally neutral.

• 52:23Mel Robbins?

  They don't seem to be bothered by the mess. I'm the one that is like, like bothered by it because they walk right by the dog poop or the pile of laundry or the dead flowers in the vase or the, you know, the stuff and that, not my husband so much, Chris is pretty awesome, but the kids, absolutely. What do you do if you want your space to be calm and to be kind of clutter-free? Because that's what does serve you on the rare occasions that it happens.

• 52:56Speaker 01

  So there's a lot of ways to address that. And the first one I always like to say is I love to get curious with people about why that is relaxing to them. Because there is a difference between I feel more at ease when my space is functional and when things are beautiful. I like to look at beautiful things versus when my house is put together right, I feel like I'm doing OK. I can breathe. I feel like I've got it. I've got myself together and therefore I am worthy. So what you tell yourself when your house is clean will mirror what you tell yourself when your house is messy. Because if you look around at your house put together and go, OK, see? See? I'm a real adult.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  I've got it together. I'm on top of things. Then when you have a week when it's messy, well, what must that mean? So I like to kind of differentiate that there's a difference between a functional enjoyment of your space. I like to know where my things are and get them. I like to be to, you know, walk into my kitchen and see a beautiful vase of flowers. I like to not smell dog shit on the floor, right? Like, those are functional enjoyments of your space. That's different than I can't rest unless it's perfect. But because it doesn't actually serve you. If perfect makes you not have anxiety, that doesn't necessarily mean perfect serves you.

• 54:19Mel Robbins?

  Well, then, let's go there. Because as I was listening to you, I would divide my house into two spots, public and private. And so in the public spaces, because I work from home, like so many of us do, and there's a lot of people coming in and out, and a lot of people have busy households with kids and that kind of stuff, I just find That I love beauty. I love the flowers. I love the home being like, like a warm hug for people to walk into. Just in a few rooms. And I don't feel this moral obligation. It's just that I just feel an exhale.

• 55:00Mel Robbins?

  And I don't feel like there's anything that I need to do to prepare anything for anybody, to make them feel welcome and like, things are waiting.

• 55:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:11Mel Robbins?

  In the private spaces, though, I beat myself up. Like, the laundry room, the bathrooms, the, uh, my closet. My closet, uh, has a, you know, a stool in it where I currently have a Tetris game going with dirty laundry. Um, uh, my favorite cleaning method is to close the door and then feel bad about it, that there's a pile in there that's still waiting for me. Like, there is that... I'm, I, I, there, I'm, I'm, it's not that I want a beautiful closet. I feel like I can't get to the shit and there's something wrong with me.

• 55:46Speaker 01

  Well, it's important to remember that care tasks are not binary states of done or not done. They are cycles.

• 55:53Mel Robbins?

  What does that mean?

• 55:54Speaker 01

  So what that means is that we're used to going, are the dishes done or are they not done? Is the laundry done or is it not done?

• 56:01Mel Robbins?

  That's true.

• 56:01Speaker 01

  And the truth is, your laundry exists in a cycle.

• 56:05Mel Robbins?

  It does.

• 56:05Speaker 01

  You have clothes that are clean in the closet. You have clothes that are on your body. You have clothes that are dirty on the floor. You have clothes that are dirty in the hamper. You have clothes that are dirty waiting to go in the wash. You have some in the wash, you have some there, you have some that are waiting. Like, that's a cycle. And every state of that cycle, Mel, is morally neutral. You're not a good person when it, they're all parked in the, you know, closet and a bad person when they're in the hamper. It's okay for any of it to be in that cycle. And you are not morally obligated to line up every care cycle in your home at the done state at the same time. If you could see me...

• 56:44Mel Robbins?

  Right now, as you're listening to this podcast, you on YouTube, my mouth is on the floor because K.C. Davis, you just changed my fucking life with that reframe. Let me just give it back to you because I want you listening to really grab a hold of this. First of all, if you think about laundry, the machine has cycles that you can pick from. And laundry, if you think about it like a never-ending cycle, just a never-ending cycle of things that go in the washer, things that go in the dryer, things that go back to the spots where they're gonna go, then they go back in the washer, then they go

• 57:28Mel Robbins?

  back in the dryer. It's never a thing that gets done. It's always a cycle. The same thing is true with grocery shopping. You don't get grocery shopping done. You do it in a cycle.

• 57:40Speaker 01

  The same thing is true with tidying. I mean, my playroom, my living room, it's not clean or dirty. It's clean, perfect, just cleaned it. It's a few toys on the floor. It's a few toys and a few more on the floor. And here's the key. In that cycle, there's a place where it reaches where it's not functional anymore, and that's where I want to reset the cycle.

• 58:01Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 58:01Speaker 01

  But the key isn't how do I get everything done and keep it done and keep on top of it. The key is how do I learn to turn all of these cycles at a pace where it's functional, where I have clean clothes when I need them, clean dishes when I need them. I always say, like, when I decided to take on the laundry of my home, I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean clothes. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

• 58:26Mel Robbins?

  Oh, say that again.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Same with the dishes.

• 58:30Mel Robbins?

  Louder for the people in the back, Casey. Say that again.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean dishes to eat off of. I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones.

• 58:42Mel Robbins?

  And for the laundry, I signed up to make sure I have clean clothes and so do my families. I never signed up to make sure that there were never dirty clothes. Oh my god.

• 58:57Speaker 01

  And you get to customize that cycle because if you're moving that cycle too fast, Mel, you're exhausted, you're perfectionistic, you're anxious, you can't sit down, you can't rest, or if you're struggling in such a way where you're not moving those cycles fast enough, you don't have clean clothes, you can't function in your space. So you just want to get a pace that works for you and you can customize those cycles. I don't fold my clothes because that was the part that was sticking the cycle.

• 59:24Mel Robbins?

  How so? What did you figure out about yourself? Because it's interesting that you say that, Casey, because I could load a dishwasher full of dirty dishes all day long. I could load a washing machine and I love stain sticking that stuff and shoving it in there and like all the things and I can even move it to the dryer. When the dryer beeps or the dishwasher is done, I have some kind of a trauma response to that because I hate putting things away. Hate it.

• 59:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. It sucks.

• 1:00:00Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  Can I make a guess on why?

• 1:00:04Mel Robbins?

  Bring it on.

• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  Okay, well, I'll tell you what it is for me and we'll see what it is for you. The act of loading things, my brain naturally will do it in a pattern, right? Like if I'm loading up the dishwasher, it's like cups, cups, cups, cups, cups, plates, plates, plates, plates, plates, and I'm putting it all in in this beautiful Tetris whatever, right? Same with laundry. It's going in, it's going in, it's going in, it's going in and I'm dump, dump, dump, dump, shut. It's this pattern. But when you have to put dishes away, it's pick up, look at it, cup, fucking cup goes over here. This is a, okay, this is a, like there's the bending, nobody likes to bend over and over and there's no pattern. Like your brain likes patterns. It gets a little dopamine juice from it.

• 1:00:44Mel Robbins?

  Oh my god. I even, when I, when I have to unload it, I avoid it like the plague. You know, I'm joking about the dog poop, but it's typically. A cat hairball. Somehow our cat will barf these hairballs up and everybody walks by it like they didn't see it. And I know they saw it because they come to me and go, Mom, the cat threw up. I'm like, and? Pick it up. He's your cat too. I digress, but on the occasions that I unload the dishwasher, I always organize them into groups on the counter. Because you're right, it's the patterning of it. I fucking love you.

• 1:01:18Speaker 01

  That's one of the hacks is turning things into patterns, turning things into rituals. So here's what happened to me with my laundry. I, I could get it in the washer, I could get it in the dryer. And then what I would do is I would pull it out and it would sit in a pile, a clean pile in front of the dryer.

• 1:01:31Mel Robbins?

  Same.

• 1:01:32Speaker 01

  And I would do this over and over and over and I would, everyone walk over it. And when I wanted to dress me and my kids in the morning, I'd have to, you know, go through the pile and find something clean to wear. And I was always kind of stressed about it. And there was this one day where I actually like miraculously were asleep at the same time. And I was like, I'm gonna go fold that laundry. And I'm sitting there and I'm folding the laundry and I'm just thinking about how much it sucks and how much I hate folding laundry. And, and I looked down at myself all of a sudden and I'm folding like a fleece pajama onesie.

• 1:02:00Mel Robbins?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:02:01Speaker 01

  And I like slowed down. And I like put it down and I looked around and I was like, I had folded like underwear and like running shorts and tank tops that I never wear outside of the house. And I was like, none of this shit needs to be folded. Like, why am I folding fleece pajamas and baby onesies? That either don't wrinkle or like nobody gives a shit if they're wrinkled. When I really started to look around and think about it, there was such a small percentage of my wardrobe that needed to be folded or hung up. And I hate folding, so I just started hanging it up. So I have, you know, maybe 12 shirts that need to hang, sure. But everything else, what I did that day was I,

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  first of all, I took all the clothes out of my kids closets because I realized it was so stupid for me to be dressing three people and moving to three different locations to do that. I was like, this is silly. I need to look at my main en suite closet, which was big and it was off the laundry room. And I just moved everyone's clothes in there. So I could go to one place with my small children, undress everyone. So now all the dirty clothes are in one place, dress everyone because our clothes are there. And I stopped folding them. I just got a bunch of baskets and I organized them. So then when stuff comes out of the dryer, I literally sit on my butt and, and it's like, it's like I'm throwing cards. Like I just, it's like shorts, shorts, pants, shirts. Like I just put them and they're all organized. And are

• 1:03:28Speaker 01

  they wrinkled? Yes. But you know what? They were wrinkled before, but now they're organized and no one's walking over them and I'm not stressed and I can find what I'm looking for. So by cutting out that step, that didn't, doesn't actually bring value to me. It was just a thing I thought I was supposed to be doing. All of the sudden, that was it. That was the hitch and the cycle that was like grinding the gear every time it got to that place. And now the laundry's done every week.

• 1:03:52Mel Robbins?

  Wow. So you're better than me.

• 1:03:56Speaker 01

  Just kidding.

• 1:03:56Mel Robbins?

  I'm not better than you.

• 1:03:57Speaker 01

  No, it's morally neutral.

• 1:03:59Mel Robbins?

  There's no better.

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  You just found a system.

• 1:04:00Mel Robbins?

  There is no better.

• 1:04:01Speaker 01

  So I, um, I think you nailed it with the pattern. I want to talk about your concept that momentum is way more important than motivation when it comes to taking care of yourself or doing household chores. Yeah. So if you're in a place where, you know, it feels as though the effort to get off the couch or off the chair or out of bed to do a care task feels just insurmountable. I want to think less about, oh, I'm not motivated. I'm not motivated. I'm not motivated. As, as though you have to get like excited about it and think more about creating momentum.

• 1:04:41Speaker 01

  So sort of lowering the barrier to entry. So I don't want to get up and go do my dishes, but what if I just gave myself permission to stand up?

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  Or what if I gave myself permission to go stand in the kitchen, but not do the dishes? And I've done this and I'll stand in the kitchen and I'll stand in the kitchen and look at TikTok for 30 minutes. And then I'll go, well, what if I just did one dish and I do just one? What if I just did two dishes? And sometimes I stop it too. And that's awesome because now I have two clean dishes tomorrow. And sometimes I keep going. So there's something about that. The other thing that I think is helpful, I talk about the five things tidying method, where anytime I pick up a room, I go in the same order. I get all the trash and throw it away. I get all the dishes, I put them in the sink. I get all the laundry, I put it in a basket. And then I put away everything that has a place and I make a pile of things that don't have a place. But the key to that for me is scheduling that at a time in my day where I will already be on my feet

• 1:05:37Speaker 01

  and already have my shoes on. So this is, I wake up, I get my kids ready for school, I send them off to the bus. When I walk back in my house, I'm up. There's some motivation I can capitalize on there. I'm already standing. I've just done something. So now I can do something for five minutes. And maybe I even set a timer to get over that hump in my brain that goes, oh, this is going to take so long.

• 1:05:58Mel Robbins?

  Right.

• 1:05:59Speaker 01

  You capitalize on that.

• 1:06:00Mel Robbins?

  But it can become part of the cycle or rhythm where you walk in the door, you take one room, do the trash, put dishes in the sink, make a pile of things that are, what, not out of place? And what was the third, fourth and fifth?

• 1:06:13Speaker 01

  It's trash, dishes, laundry, things that have a place and things that don't have a place.

• 1:06:18Mel Robbins?

  I think I got it. So I want to repeat it back to be sure that I have it and to make it really simple for you listening. Casey, you want us to clean up a room in the same way every single time because that will make sure we don't get overwhelmed. And just so that you and I always have the steps, here they are again. First, you get the trash, you throw it out. Second, you get the dishes out of the room and into the sink or the dishwasher. Third, you take the laundry and you put it in a basket. Four, you put things away that have a place in that room. And five, make a pile of everything that does not have a place in that room you're standing in. And then voila, you're done.

• 1:07:03Mel Robbins?

  Casey, I love that. And I can see how if you get into the rhythm of cleaning in that five steps every day in the room that you're in, rather than thinking about how you're going to do every single room, how it would make things less overwhelming. Now, I just looked at the clock. Do you realize we've been talking for over an hour? And we've only just scratched the surface, Casey. And I haven't even gotten to the pile of listener questions that we have for you. And so, here's what I'm thinking. Do you have another hour that you could spend with us, first of all, in order to go through all these questions? Sure. Okay, great. So, here's what I'd like to do.

• 1:07:46Mel Robbins?

  How about, we end this episode right now? Yep. How about we end the episode right now? Because if what Casey is saying is resonating with you as deeply as it is for me, I know you don't have two hours to spend on a podcast right now. So, as your friend, we're going to divide this into two conversations. Part one, what you just listened to, and part two, what you're about to listen to. And the reason why I want to do that is because I want to make it easy for you. That's how it rolls on the Mel Robbins Podcast. So, Casey, stand by. We will start with listener questions in just a second. And you, listening, please do me a favor. Please share this episode with the people in your life that you love. Everybody struggles on some level with this topic. And we're not talking about it enough.

• 1:08:29Mel Robbins?

  And we all need Casey's genius hacks and her advice. And the fact is, now that you've just spent an hour with us, you know how to help yourself. And more importantly, when you share this episode, you can help somebody else who is silently struggling because they feel overwhelmed. And one more thing. I remind you and I all the time that whatever it is that you're going through, it's temporary. But what I love so much about this conversation with Casey is that we also have tools to help one another through these moments when they feel overwhelming, temporary or not. All right. In case no one else tells you, I want to tell you, no matter how high the piles of laundry are, or the dishes are stacked in your sink, I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe

• 1:09:14Mel Robbins?

  in your ability to take control in small ways and not be so hard on yourself, because you deserve that, and you deserve more Casey Davis. And that's why I'm going to talk to you in a few days. I love you.

• 1:09:34Mel Robbins?

  Get ready, but this is literally the perfect day for me to talk to you. Because I have not showered. I did manage to wash my face, which I am very, very proud of. Hello.

• 1:09:49Speaker 04

  Good afternoon. How can I help?

• 1:09:51Mel Robbins?

  Oh, my God, that's Siri. To stay on top of everything that you have to do at your place. Laundry, dishes, place, home, house?

• 1:10:02Speaker 04

  Your house.

• 1:10:03Mel Robbins?

  Okay, where you live? I can't find you. Oh, I don't think I'm in the document you're in. I don't see her.

• 1:10:10Speaker 04

  No, you're there.

• 1:10:10Mel Robbins?

  Oh, okay. Hey, it's your friend Mel. Here comes the burp.

• 1:10:24Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

• 1:10:59Mel Robbins?

  Stitcher.

• 1:11:03Mel Robbins?

  This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the everything app for smarter money. Let me ask you something. Is your money working for you? Or is it just sitting there? A lot of us work hard, get paid, and then leave our paycheck in checking. That's an easy habit to change. With SoFi Checking and Savings, you can earn up to 3.8% savings APY for up to six months with no account fees and a cash bonus of up to $400 when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Terms apply. It takes just minutes to open an account from your phone, and you can organize your savings into vaults for the Goals you're working toward. Go to sofi.com/mal to get started. SoFi, get your money right.

• 1:11:47Mel Robbins?

  SoFi checking and savings is offered through SoFi Bank, N A, member FDIC. Nearly 50 years after Stephen King's Carrie became a cultural phenomenon, Mike Flanagan is reimagining the iconic story for a new generation. Now, the new series honors the legacy of the original Carrie, but it's asking the question, are we watching the origin of a hero, a villain, or something far more complicated? And in this modern social media age, Carrie's new story resonates more than ever. You don't want to miss it. Carrie is now streaming on Prime Video.