Moment 34 - The Key To Finding True Love: Ali Abdaal

In these ‘Moment’ episodes of my podcast, I’ll be selecting my favourite moments from previous episodes of The Diary Of A CEO. We all want to find success in dating, so it’s understandable if you feel the need to be different. But this is actually one of the worst things you can do. Ali Abdaal and I discuss how choosing to show up as yourself is the key to finding success in dating and relationships. Episode 93 - https://g2ul0.app.link/Sg9gsTn0Dlb Ali: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoOae5nYA7VqaXzerajD0lg https://www.instagram.com/aliabdaal/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Steven Bartlett?

  You talked about relationships at the start of this podcast, you said, you said you, I think you alluded to the fact that you hadn't had much luck there. When we were talking about knowing you're enough.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:15Steven Bartlett?

  What's going on?

• 0:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is a real problem. So there's a few like narratives that I've bought into subconsciously. One of those narratives is that I am like a weedy nerd kid, the kid that I was when I was 12 years old and getting slightly bullied in school and getting grades and stuff. But like not really have anything, anything, not being valuable as a human being beyond the fact that I was generating A stars in exams. That's like one side of it. There's another side, but I'd love to hear your take on.

• 0:46Steven Bartlett?

  What's the other side?

• 0:47Speaker 01

  The other side is, if we're, if we're keeping it real, it's like, I think it's around masculinity and what it means to be a man. And if one, if one were to hypothetically read WikiHow articles on how to get girls or even the vast literature on the topic. There is a big thing of women are attracted to men, like, you know, people who, so, so, so someone who is a man, someone who leads, someone who's like alpha, those sorts of, those, those sorts of things. And I think my kind of default way of being is very not that. And like my idea of fun is singing Disney songs and playing board games until 2 o'clock in the morning with a pizza takeaway.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  Rather than something that are more like macho alpha type person, person would be. And so on the one hand, there's that thing of just be yourself, of be your authentic self, et cetera, et cetera. And a girl will like that for who you are. And on the other side, it's the, the thing of. You will objectively get more success with women in inverted commas, if you sort of are more of that alpha type personality.

• 1:56Steven Bartlett?

  Well, here's the problem you have.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, please.

• 1:58Steven Bartlett?

  On the, on the, that particular point before we move on, because I'd love to hear what you're going on to say. But you, it sounded like you were saying, do I be myself and dance around listening to Disney?

• 2:08Steven Bartlett?

  Even though it might return a lower quantity of smoking hot potential partners.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 2:15Steven Bartlett?

  Or the alternative to that is, do I be masculine guy and like act outside of self? To generate more smoking hot partners. The issue you have is you've just got to zoom out and you've got to think about the outcome of both approaches and how sustainable both approaches are. All you can be is yourself for a long period of time.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:36Steven Bartlett?

  And if you want long, long-term results, that's the only option you have. Of course, you can act as something you're not and pretend you don't like Disney and not listen to playboard games and stuff. And you might meet the wrong person for a short amount of time. Because, and it will be a short amount of time because that relationship will capitulate the minute they find out who you actually are. And this is, there's, you know. Yeah, this is, this is always, for me, the answer is you have to be yourself. You have no choice in that. You do have a choice in being able to kill some of those confidence issues, which might be self sabotaging at key points in the relationship where it turns into insecurity and results in jealousy. And we know if you're coming into relationship thinking, why the fuck is this person with me?

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:21Steven Bartlett?

  The chance of you exhibiting jealous behavior and controlling behavior and manipulative behavior and insecure behavior. And where are you? Why haven't you here? And why haven't you texted me back fast enough? And is, is high. And for me, that will put undue pressure on something that might have worked otherwise. So go ahead and work on the, the confidence issues.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:38Steven Bartlett?

  But never, ever dare change who you are. Like the things you intrinsic, do not change those. Do not try and act outside of those because that is, that will lead to really short-term results. And you don't actually want to be with anyone for 50 years that doesn't want to dance and listen to Disney movies with you. You don't actually want to, society's telling you want smoking hot, but you don't actually want that. You'll, you won't return joy on that. You'll, you'll return status from walking in with a smoking hot model that has no brain. But you won't return joy in the long term. And that is the goal. That's the North Star. Does that make sense?

• 4:15Speaker 01

  It does. Yeah.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  On the note of. Being yourself, the thing that I feel, I feel, I feel a contradiction is that on the one side, there's, there's kind of be yourself. And on the other side, there's like, choose yourself. And what I, what I worry about is what if this person who I am, i.e. the kind of nice guy who like enjoys Disney and board games and stuff, that's a result of accidental experiences that I haven't really chosen for myself. And should I instead be thinking, okay, who's the sort of person I want to be? Well, having, having said that, I don't want to be anyone who doesn't sing along Disney songs because they're just great. Yeah.

• 4:59Steven Bartlett?

  And you sing along to Disney songs, not because you're now being forced, because you enjoy it.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's just genuinely fun.

• 5:04Steven Bartlett?

  It makes you feel good.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  I just fucking love it. Yeah, it's so good.

• 5:05Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah. So that's, that's part of the answer to a lot of the things we've discussed before, which is going in the direction of the things that make you feel good. Don't suppress things that make you feel good, because then you'll feel shit. So if that makes you feel good, that is, as far as I'm concerned, you've explored and exploited, as you say, and you've, and you've, and you've found something you enjoy. And don't sacrifice that for what? For a pretty woman to be stood next to you, that's not, that, that, trust me, will not be enjoyment, that'll be status, that'll be extrinsic approval, which is very different from internal fulfillment. So I would never disregard those things. However, you can, as I've done over the last year and a half, say, do you know what? When I look at my values and who I, I actually want to be internally, my health, this is what I've done,

• 5:49Steven Bartlett?

  is so foundational to everything. And I really managed to almost like hypnotize myself somehow into knowing that me being in good shape and me being someone that goes to the gym every day and prioritizes that my health is my first foundation, is in line with my happiness. The change in my life, the thing that's put me in the best shape of my life ever, was before, as I've said in this podcast, me working out was all about women. The minute it became not about women, it stuck. Because, because, um, yeah, for so many reasons. I mean, I enjoyed the process and I removed wanting six pack. And I basically don't have any gym goals now whatsoever. My goal is to go every day. It stuck. It became intrinsic. It was for me.

• 6:34Steven Bartlett?

  And now I go every single day. And the minute we finish this conversation, my PT is waiting for me. And I went yesterday, the day before, I'll go the day tomorrow, every day.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:43Steven Bartlett?

  I don't care. I'm not doing it for anyone else. So it sticks.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 6:48Steven Bartlett?

  That's why your relationship will fail if you're with someone that you're with for external reasons, it won't stick.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Okay. Yeah, this makes a lot of sense.