MBMBaM 828: *Unless I’m Pissin’ Pants

The spooky season creep is upon us and and to get into the spirit of it all, we’re opening our very own temporary store! We’ve got all kinds of stuff that will help with exorcisms, like shoes that turn into socks, a Lacey Chabert Mobile, and shareholder blind bags. Suggested talking points: A Cooler Executive, The Bad Boys of Mall Gifts, Looks Like a Sock, Eats Like a Shoe, Too Weak for the King Native Women Lead: https://www.nativewomenlead.org/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 0:19Speaker 01

  One, two, three, four. It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's rapid into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. Life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  My life, ah, it's better with you.

• 1:10Travis McElroy?

  Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

• 1:17Travis McElroy?

  What up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Big Duck, Wolf of the heater, award-winning McElroy.

• 1:23Griffin McElroy?

  Good morning, Trav Nation. It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 Under 30 Media Luminary Griffin McElroy.

• 1:29Travis McElroy?

  I am so excited, guys, because I have some news where we're obviously have a time of year when we start looking to find out where the Spirit Halloween is going to be in your area.

• 1:39Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:39Griffin McElroy?

  Right. I want to be ready.

• 1:41Travis McElroy?

  Ours has been at the abandoned Toys R Us for the past few years, but guys, I don't know that we're going to get one in Huntington this year. It seems like we may have to go to Ashland.

• 1:48Travis McElroy?

  Oh, boy.

• 1:49Griffin McElroy?

  Dude. Did you do something? Did you do something wrong, do you think? Maybe you didn't?

• 1:54Travis McElroy?

  Bought them too hard, went too frequently, probably lingered too long without buying enough for the amount of time I spent there.

• 2:00Travis McElroy?

  You pressed the button on the animatronics too many times, and they're like, you're just here for the animatronics.

• 2:04Griffin McElroy?

  I was thinking more like, like a deficiency in your Halloween activity, like almost like a Hallmark movie premise, like the town that skipped Halloween, like.

• 2:16Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I would use the changing rooms there even for like non-costume changing, just like my day-to-day clothes changed, like just, you know. Uh, but it's actually where I got all my groceries, too. You remember that week that I was just living off candy cigarettes and gummy eyeballs?

• 2:30Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:31Travis McElroy?

  And you drank only fake blood?

• 2:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. I remember last time I stayed over actually at the house and I was like, hey, I'm going to take a shower. Do you have any towels? And you said, yes. And you opened up a closet, which was traditionally your linen closet, and just a bunch of Freddy Krueger masks spilled out. And you said, here you go.

• 2:49Travis McElroy?

  You didn't forget those sweaters, which would have made.

• 2:51Griffin McElroy?

  You said, here you go. And you handed me a Freddy Krueger mask. And I was like, I don't, this isn't going to dry my nude form off. This is a Freddy Krueger mask. You seem confused.

• 3:00Travis McElroy?

  My relationship to Spirit is not what is the, the, the topic today. Uh, major business news this week. Uh, for starters, did you guys know that Spencer Gifts owns Spirit Halloween?

• 3:14Griffin McElroy?

  That makes a lot of sense.

• 3:16Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that really clicks for me because for whatever reason, Dot has been asking a lot of questions about Spirit Halloween lately, like how it works, why it goes away. And I thought, and I was explaining to them that like a Halloween store being open in like April doesn't make any sense. But then I thought, they must have like a board, a CEOs, are they employed year-round?

• 3:38Griffin McElroy?

  No, they have cryopods. They climb into November 1st and then, uh, you know, honestly, probably mid-April, they're back, they're cracking, trying to figure out.

• 3:47Travis McElroy?

  Theresa and I got really excited when we realized a fairly big, like, department store closed about six months ago near us, and the possibility that that could become a Spirit Halloween, and it's very big, was exciting to us.

• 4:01Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, so this is one company, Spirit and Spencer. Now Spencer, if you don't know, they're the bad boys in mall gifts. If you go into a Spencer Gifts at the mall, you're going to see cleavage and butt cracks and farts and black light posters.

• 4:15Travis McElroy?

  Jokes about getting old.

• 4:16Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, jokes about getting old for sure. Um, I actually, I bet there's some new high-tech stuff, maybe holograms or what have you.

• 4:22Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:23Travis McElroy?

  But now there's something brand new that you're going to be able to enjoy there. Uh, because the, well, not by Spencer, but the Spencer Spirit Company.

• 4:34Griffin McElroy?

  Right.

• 4:34Travis McElroy?

  Has purchased Hot Topic.

• 4:37Griffin McElroy?

  No way.

• 4:38Travis McElroy?

  Dude.

• 4:39Griffin McElroy?

  The singularity, the singularity approaches, dude.

• 4:43Travis McElroy?

  There's an axis of power now. Like, this is our best shot at, like, I'll be, like, as the conglomerations start to make their steampunk pivot into militarized Google, militarized Amazon, we need one corpode that we can root for that has like the hopes of humanity pinned to it. Spirit, Spencer Spirit Holdings gets Hot Topic, which also is Box Lunch and her universe. So now Spencer Gifts, Box Lunch, Hot Topic. There's one man, I doubt he's eating good, is Jack Skellington.

• 5:21Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 5:22Travis McElroy?

  He's fucking losing it. I bet he had to get this deal in shares. They couldn't even afford to pay him.

• 5:28Travis McElroy?

  Jack Skellington and the dude from Death Note are hanging out just on their big piles of money.

• 5:33Griffin McElroy?

  Making bank.

• 5:34Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 5:35Travis McElroy?

  My hero, Bankademia, is what I think.

• 5:38Travis McElroy?

  Do you think that somewhere there's like a council convening of like the leaders of like the emo kids and the leaders of the goth kids and the leaders of like, you know, the, uh, weeb kids and like then in comes like the Spencer's Gifts, just like dirtbag kids with like big weed leaves on their shirts and they're like, I call this meeting to order. And they're all just making big decisions about what's going to be in.

• 6:05Griffin McElroy?

  I cast my scrying bones and it's just a bunch of little plastic dicks.

• 6:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 6:10Griffin McElroy?

  That's the Spencer's, that's the Spencer's mysticism.

• 6:13Travis McElroy?

  If they swallow up like Hollister, fuck, man, we're in trouble.

• 6:17Griffin McElroy?

  See, that's, Hollister's going to, the other ones can change. The Hollister kids, those are different kids, Trav.

• 6:22Travis McElroy?

  No, this is what I'm saying. If they were to ever swallow up.

• 6:26Griffin McElroy?

  Approach.

• 6:27Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, if we got news that Spencer's had bought Hollister.

• 6:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 6:32Travis McElroy?

  I think there'd be a singularity.

• 6:34Travis McElroy?

  The CEO said, uh, Steven Silverstein, uh, said, "While our operating models and the strategies cater to unique and different audiences, our core values, mission, and commitment to hating our parents are completely aligned." Sailor's note, sorry. It said techno, commitment to innovation, excuse me.

• 6:55Travis McElroy?

  Commitment to fake tattoos and fishnets.

• 6:58Griffin McElroy?

  Fully aligned.

• 7:00Travis McElroy?

  This, this, this transaction enhances our long-term durability, further proving it's not a phase, mom. It broadens our reach and positions us to write the next chapter of our retail history together, which will be.

• 7:16Griffin McElroy?

  Get this guy fucking out of here.

• 7:17Travis McElroy?

  It will be sins, not tragedies. That is the chapter we will be writing together.

• 7:21Griffin McElroy?

  Get this dork out of here. I need a cooler member of the executive suite.

• 7:26Travis McElroy?

  Shareholders will be excited to receive their dividends this year via blind bags. So you'll see, you'll find out how much you got on the day.

• 7:35Travis McElroy?

  I chimed in with a, haven't you people ever heard of cutting our prices to attract a different clientele? Thank you, COO Brandon Urie. Thank you for chiming in. We are so happy to have you at this company. You've been such a great addition.

• 7:49Travis McElroy?

  The board recognizes Pikachu.

• 7:51Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 7:55Travis McElroy?

  Uh, there, yeah, so that's a great, I, I'm written, I can't even say that, but I guess they're going to stay separate, but.

• 8:04Griffin McElroy?

  And now, man, for a while, this is going to be a GameStop situation eventually. There will not be an electronics boutique no more. I think they're just going to combine into one really, a store with a lot of tood.

• 8:16Travis McElroy?

  Just a tood. Just, just call it tood.

• 8:18Griffin McElroy?

  Just call it tood.

• 8:19Travis McElroy?

  Just call it tood. Yeah. How far are we from Spirit?

• 8:24Travis McElroy?

  Was God's Zook's one?

• 8:27Travis McElroy?

  Do you think there's a point at which they're, they own enough businesses where Spirit Halloween just has to say like, listen, joking aside, I am tired of opening and closing these stores so much. We have all these other stores. We don't have to do this. It's such a pain in the ass. Just leave it open, please. You know they have Spirit Christmas? Okay.

• 8:51Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, but there's a good chunk of the year there where you're not, I mean, Easter, we, we do up, I guess, a bit, but.

• 8:57Travis McElroy?

  Just do payball. But I know the year-round Christmas stores exist.

• 9:02Griffin McElroy?

  They, yeah, they can live.

• 9:03Travis McElroy?

  I don't understand how, but I know that it happens.

• 9:07Travis McElroy?

  There's a year-round Halloween store. The problem is it's Hot Topic and they just bought them. So I don't know. I don't know where you go from there.

• 9:13Travis McElroy?

  What if Spirit Halloween becomes hidden within Hot Topic? Right? It's like, yeah, you'll have, like, it's all kind of pieced together throughout Hot Topic. You'll just start noticing different stuff going in, leading up.

• 9:26Travis McElroy?

  This idea that maybe, maybe Spirit Halloween is more like an infection that we have to drain every Halloween, so like it becomes bulbous. And it's like, whoa, we got, it's swelling throughout the store.

• 9:38Travis McElroy?

  The name comes from the fact that it haunts dead stores every year. Halloween, Spirit Halloween haunts dead stores. So I think it's a possession problem and it must be exercised through commerce.

• 9:53Griffin McElroy?

  There was a Spirit Halloween that was really close to our, our old house in Austin that used to be a furniture store that specialized in like Texas shit. So like a lot of longhorns, a lot of cowskin rugs, a lot of.

• 10:09Travis McElroy?

  That big, heavy wooden furniture. I think it was called Primitives. And I never saw anyone in that store even once. And then it became a Spirit Halloween, but whenever you were in there shopping for costumes or Babadukes or whatever, you could tell. There was a lingering, there was a lingering sort of funk of Texas, large Texas furniture, just kind of in the air. Hmm, you can feel that in Texas in general, a funk of large Texas furniture.

• 10:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 10:38Travis McElroy?

  It makes air quality terrible.

• 10:40Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, this is, this is an advice show.

• 10:42Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 10:43Travis McElroy?

  So like, uh, um, we're going to do that still. Like, it would be wild to stop at this point to like not do that. Like, we're still going to do that. Sorry, I had an email from Hunter Killer that just said, dead body, thumbs down, solving a mystery, thumbs up. It's like, okay, guys, it's really boiling down the concept. You got it all in the subject line. I'm really impressed.

• 11:07Griffin McElroy?

  That sounds like the subject line of like the Act Blue emails that I still get.

• 11:13Travis McElroy?

  Good for you, Griffin.

• 11:17Griffin McElroy?

  That was meant to be a complaint about the subject line of fundraising emails and less

• 11:23Travis McElroy?

  Griffin hasn't given up.

• 11:26Travis McElroy?

  I live in an adorably small town in Tennessee and have heard rumors that we will be having a Hallmark movie based on the town that will be doing principal photography locally. I do not know the schedule or any plot details, obviously, but I desperately want to be in this movie. What can I do to secure my part as a local weirdo in the production? I already host trivia at two spots in the town, if that helps.

• 11:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, obviously.

• 11:51Travis McElroy?

  From Hallmark, hopeful in the holler.

• 11:55Griffin McElroy?

  Hmm.

• 11:57Travis McElroy?

  I did witness them filming a Lacy Schubert vehicle Hallmark movie at Disney.

• 12:02Travis McElroy?

  It wasn't like a Lacy Schubert mobile, right? Cause I've been asking them to make one of those forever.

• 12:06Griffin McElroy?

  No, no, no, no.

• 12:07Travis McElroy?

  They stole that idea from me.

• 12:09Griffin McElroy?

  No. What would that look like to you? What would the Lacy Schubert mobile look? Would it be like the Wiener mobile, but just a big Lacy Schubert?

• 12:15Travis McElroy?

  Or it's like a mobile that spins around.

• 12:17Travis McElroy?

  It's like the Joker mobile, but it's her face on the front, just smashing through walls in Gotham.

• 12:22Travis McElroy?

  Oh, I saw it as a thing that calmed down babies. That would just spin over their crib. Yeah.

• 12:29Griffin McElroy?

  Weirdly, when this big fucking V8 powered Lacy Schubert car comes up on a baby, they are, they are sued.

• 12:37Travis McElroy?

  That's so weird that you said that, Trav, because I actually was thinking of Lacy Schubert Mobile Alabama.

• 12:43Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:45Travis McElroy?

  So it's actually confusing.

• 12:47Travis McElroy?

  Um, but I saw them filming this and now it's coming out and I'm very excited. I, I didn't have the courage to approach the filming in any way. I had my resume, Trolls World Tour, just written out on a piece of paper, because that's all I've got. And I, I tried to hand that over and they threw me.

• 13:04Travis McElroy?

  It's just a piece of paper that said Trolls World Tour.

• 13:07Travis McElroy?

  And they threw me into the, uh, the pond in the middle of the world showcase. So, yeah, it didn't pan out, but good luck.

• 13:16Griffin McElroy?

  Hmm.

• 13:19Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, can you get your SAG card? That seems like a good, good start.

• 13:24Travis McElroy?

  Are those all union gigs?

• 13:24Griffin McElroy?

  You might not need it. You might not need it, but it's better to have it and not. I've had my SAG card for a long time and needed it a couple, like two or three times.

• 13:36Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:36Griffin McElroy?

  And, and so I'm speaking from experience. It's better to have it and not need it.

• 13:40Travis McElroy?

  Host a trivia night of Hallmark movie trivia. Ooh, that's gonna be cad- especially if you put up a big cash prize. The production team is gonna try to get in there, recoup some cost of the filming. Right? Cause they're like, this is gonna make our budget, right? We're gonna, it's gonna have to be a big cash prize.

• 14:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 14:02Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. And you're gonna draw them out.

• 14:04Travis McElroy?

  Gathering a group is, is solid. The fact that you're doing trivia already, like, if you can say like, listen, I can get a group of people together and I know that's probably the biggest pain for you. Cause you just want people in the background. So like, I'm usually, I can get 20, 30 people if I just start asking questions out loud. That's, and that, that I think you just have to have one really, really good trivia joke that they can't cut. And you have to make them, yeah, like one really good. I don't know what a good trivia, you know, like it could be anything. It's trivia, but like, you get it.

• 14:40Travis McElroy?

  If you can connect the trivia joke to like, also be a summary of like, kind of the, the plot hinge of the movie, you're making it in the trailer. They can't cut that, right? So if you can make something about like, um, you know, like, oh, you know, when you look at it, I think that pursuing your job over a love of Christmas is pretty trivial, right? Like something like that.

• 15:06Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's good.

• 15:06Travis McElroy?

  Is that the question? The, here's the question. What's important in life? A, the love of family.

• 15:14Travis McElroy?

  Oh, that's good, Trav. You're gonna hear the violins like, oh. Was there a movie that, I guess, was there a movie that we have watched about Christmas that has a scene very much like this in it? Because I feel like in, I believe in Santa Claus, there's like a pub trivia night.

• 15:28Griffin McElroy?

  Christmas trivia, Santa Claus based trivia.

• 15:30Travis McElroy?

  Christmas trivia comes up. Yeah.

• 15:32Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 15:33Travis McElroy?

  Dang, so maybe they don't wanna, they don't wanna, they're, they're all super concerned with being original over there. So they don't wanna like rip off anybody else's Christmas trivia scenes.

• 15:43Griffin McElroy?

  You gotta find out more about the plot of the movie and I don't know.

• 15:46Travis McElroy?

  You gotta find out something.

• 15:47Griffin McElroy?

  You gotta talk, we'll talk to Joel. We'll call Joel up and see if he knows about, uh, one of these projects shooting in, in a cute town in Tennessee. Cause you gotta tailor it. You can't do the same trivia for Hot, Hot, um, Hot Frosty Two that you would do for like, Yes Chef Christmas Two.

• 16:04Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 16:05Travis McElroy?

  God, absolutely. You say Hot Frosty Two, I got chills. Like, dude, just.

• 16:10Travis McElroy?

  Could you walk around town just loudly talking like on your cell phone about how the true meaning of Christmas is having the most successful trivia night? And that's what you're really dedicated to and you don't have time for love. And like, you haven't talked to your mom in years.

• 16:27Travis McElroy?

  To try to spin it around yourself. It's like, hey, maybe the one element they're missing is a story and lead actor.

• 16:35Travis McElroy?

  We found the location.

• 16:36Travis McElroy?

  We're so close.

• 16:37Travis McElroy?

  The budget. Now we just need to figure out what happens in the movie.

• 16:41Travis McElroy?

  We just need a married 40 something to really bring this thing together.

• 16:45Griffin McElroy?

  I think it's hubris to think you're gonna make the shoot come to you. You're gonna need a network. You're gonna need eyes. You're gonna need boots on the ground, eyes in the sky. And you're gonna need them to post up at, for instance, it is not too early now to start reaching out to all the owners of like Christmas tree lots in the city and just say like, if you hear something, I'll slide you a, you know, a 20 to give me a ring. And you can just be in the background.

• 17:12Travis McElroy?

  But they won't be doing that in Christmas time though. So the Christmas tree lot people, you gotta go to the Arbor Day lots or some of the other like more, like summer lots.

• 17:20Travis McElroy?

  If there's a coffee shop in town that also has a stone fireplace in it.

• 17:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:25Travis McElroy?

  That's guaranteed. That's locked in. You're gonna wanna just sit there for like six hours a day looking for them. Cause they gotta put up those things that are like, if you walk into this, you're in the shot and we own you now. Right? They gotta put that on the door of places. So you're looking for those.

• 17:41Griffin McElroy?

  You're looking for those.

• 17:41Travis McElroy?

  You're looking for crafty.

• 17:43Griffin McElroy?

  You just gotta start spreading, spreading the word. Just start putting the dragnet out. Start printing out flyers of, uh, Candice Cameron Burr, Burr? Candice Cameron Burr. I think she has a.

• 17:57Travis McElroy?

  I just say Mrs. Bill Burr. It makes, it's easier for me to remember.

• 18:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 18:01Travis McElroy?

  Lacy Schubert.

• 18:03Griffin McElroy?

  Just printing out flyers.

• 18:05Travis McElroy?

  She hyphenated her last name when she married Bill Burr. Lacy Schubert.

• 18:10Griffin McElroy?

  Just printing out flyers of one of them and saying like, if you see this woman, give me a call.

• 18:16Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 18:17Griffin McElroy?

  And have your number on.

• 18:18Travis McElroy?

  That's good. Hi, I'm looking for Lacy Schubert.

• 18:23Travis McElroy?

  Come back.

• 18:25Travis McElroy?

  Have you seen Melissa Joan Hart?

• 18:27Travis McElroy?

  Have you seen Melissa Joan Hart or Candace Cameron Bill Burr?

• 18:31Griffin McElroy?

  Recently, like recently, recently. I'd not be. We've all seen Sabrina, the teenage, like we've all seen, yeah.

• 18:38Travis McElroy?

  Watch Clarice Explains All. I'm saying like, have you seen her around town nearby in the neck? If you traveled with a T-shirt that said, I consent to be filmed, that could probably get you.

• 18:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 18:50Travis McElroy?

  That would cut out. Yeah, I consent to be filmed at all. Dang, hold on a second. I gotta, we gotta get that one going. Yeah, we'll sell that.

• 18:59Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, there's no, nothing bad could come from that.

• 19:01Travis McElroy?

  No, I can, yeah, no problem. No problem at all.

• 19:06Travis McElroy?

  Oh wait, on the back, asterisk, only when I'm doing cool shit. You know what I mean? So that way it's clear.

• 19:12Travis McElroy?

  Unless I'm pissing pants.

• 19:14Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, unless I'm pissing pants.

• 19:18Travis McElroy?

  That's in tiny, that's in tiny.

• 19:20Travis McElroy?

  Tiny letter.

• 19:21Travis McElroy?

  Small print at the bottom.

• 19:22Travis McElroy?

  My full legal consent to film me at any moment, asterisk, unless I'm pissing pants.

• 19:28Travis McElroy?

  Uh, if it pleases the court, if you look at my client shirt. I'm wearing the shirt now, actually, Your Honor, if you look at the shirt, I've provided one for everyone in the audience. You can see.

• 19:39Travis McElroy?

  Ah, case dismissed.

• 19:41Travis McElroy?

  And then roll credits on the greatest Hallmark movie ever.

• 19:44Travis McElroy?

  And, and wait, one more question, young man. Where was the URL you purchased this great shirt?

• 19:52Travis McElroy?

  It's MacRae Merch.com. It's an ad.

• 19:53Travis McElroy?

  This Christmas, the greatest brand pairing between Hallmark Movies and MacRae Merch.com brings you, I consent to be filmed unless I'm pissing pants, the movie.

• 20:06Griffin McElroy?

  Unless I'm pissing pants.

• 20:08Travis McElroy?

  It got so commercial so fast. I consent to be filmed unless I'm pissing pants. You should be outside or shit. You know what I mean? And now they're making goddamn Hallmark movies about it.

• 20:20Travis McElroy?

  I remember when I bought the, I consent to be filmed unless I'm pissing pants shirt when it was cool, when it meant something.

• 20:28Travis McElroy?

  I used to be.

• 20:29Travis McElroy?

  For something.

• 20:30Travis McElroy?

  I used to give my consent to be filmed unless I'm pissing pants before it got all corporate.

• 20:35Travis McElroy?

  Now there's protest shirts also available on MacRae Merch.com.

• 20:39Travis McElroy?

  MacRae Merch.com. The others are at Goodwill, because we are done with them.

• 20:43Travis McElroy?

  I don't consent to being filmed unless I'm pissing pants.

• 20:50Travis McElroy?

  And then you have carte blanche.

• 20:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 20:53Travis McElroy?

  Hey.

• 20:53Griffin McElroy?

  Roll away, Mr. Zigfield.

• 20:59Travis McElroy?

  Uh, all right. Uh, here's another question for you, the, our beloved audience. My partner and I are visiting his parents tomorrow to stay for the week. Normally I only bring one pair of shoes to visit them, but I recently acquired a pair for the express purpose of wearing outside. Since I hate going barefoot around the house. Inside shoes and outside shoes, house shoes.

• 21:19Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 21:19Travis McElroy?

  Mm hmm. I want to bring these shoes with me so I don't have to deal with dust and crumbs on the bum of my feet. But my partner's family is generally in no shoes inside the household. How do I let my in-laws know that I'm wearing house only shoes? And not disgracing their floors with dirt from the outside while keeping up the illusion that I'm a well-adjusted young man who doesn't ever think this sort of thing and is a good match for their son and doesn't what? Email podcasts about it, I'm assuming is the underlying.

• 21:45Griffin McElroy?

  I'm well adjusted and not this, not the exact thing.

• 21:48Travis McElroy?

  I'm not what I am.

• 21:50Griffin McElroy?

  That's suggested in the postscript of every question we get.

• 21:53Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 21:54Griffin McElroy?

  If people knew that they listened to our show and were asking this question, it would put some English on the ball basically every time.

• 21:59Travis McElroy?

  This, my house, my house shoes are black rubber slide sandals, which I have never worn outside. My in-laws have tile in every room in their house, as is common here. Y'all, for starters, if you want us to try to solve this in another country, you at least have to tell us what country we are talking about.

• 22:21Griffin McElroy?

  Southern Europe could be anywhere.

• 22:23Travis McElroy?

  Europe? I don't, I don't even know.

• 22:25Griffin McElroy?

  What is that?

• 22:26Travis McElroy?

  I'm.

• 22:26Griffin McElroy?

  It's, I think that's Antarctica.

• 22:28Travis McElroy?

  Spain.

• 22:30Griffin McElroy?

  Italy?

• 22:30Travis McElroy?

  Right?

• 22:31Griffin McElroy?

  Where's Italy at?

• 22:32Travis McElroy?

  Where's Greece? Greece is down there, right?

• 22:35Griffin McElroy?

  Down there, yeah.

• 22:36Travis McElroy?

  How on earth, how on earth would I begin to presume to know how to help you to navigate?

• 22:43Griffin McElroy?

  But that is good so we don't dox you. I see you're being very careful here. Right. Those countries are so small. It would not be hard for someone to triangulate.

• 22:52Travis McElroy?

  I have to assume it's from a country without soccerinos. Is that the implication?

• 22:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:57Travis McElroy?

  In Italy, they don't have socks?

• 23:00Griffin McElroy?

  Well, I mean, Italy's shaped like a boot, so if we take that information.

• 23:04Travis McElroy?

  You're right, Trav, they would have thought of socks way before us.

• 23:07Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, man. They would have been early adopters. Here's, I think there's a problem here too. Well, I mean, there's many problems, but even if you were to say the exact, like I, these shoes have never been outside, I'm just wearing them and then follow up with, because I don't like getting crumbs and shit on my feet. You're telling your in-laws like, cause your house is nasty dirty. I can't get past this. I can't get past this. If you're walking, I'm not a clean freak or nothing, but if you're walking around your house and you sit down and you hoist your puppies up and they're covered in crumbs and dust, you have a floor, that's not a foot problem, that's a floor issue and you need to Swiffer Wet Jet all that shit. It takes just but a moment.

• 23:49Travis McElroy?

  Now, to be fair, I've got two, two dogs and a cat. It gets bad so quick, you could do it every day.

• 23:56Griffin McElroy?

  I was gonna say, man, I, I don't know what fantasy this is. My socks at the end of every day have to be decontaminated. Like my floor, if you've only worn your shoes in my house, then good news, you probably only have baking soda and crayon and food coloring on them. So it should be no problem at all for you to plop those right on my beautiful, pristine linen couch.

• 24:17Travis McElroy?

  Griffin keeps his kids in a taped off area with plastic wrap down.

• 24:21Griffin McElroy?

  The dirt zone.

• 24:23Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that's how he keeps it. I don't know. My kids eat all over the house like the Tasmanian devil and I don't know. I can't, I don't even see them do it. I just know it's happening. But you get, your feet get cold. Your feet get cold on the tile.

• 24:38Griffin McElroy?

  They get cold.

• 24:39Travis McElroy?

  Your feet get cold on the tile.

• 24:40Griffin McElroy?

  Your feet gonna get cold on the tile. I don't know that slide sandals are gonna do much for the warmth factor. Um.

• 24:46Travis McElroy?

  But it's gonna keep the heat transfer, the heat transfer.

• 24:50Griffin McElroy?

  Guys, we're trying really, really hard. I can tell we're trying really, really hard. When the answer is socks and it's like crazy that it's like, we have, we have a.

• 24:57Travis McElroy?

  Can I just say like, it's definitely not black rubber sole sandals. That's what you wear to my house if you're coming to help me clean up flood damage. Like sincerely. That's, it's not an indoor shoe.

• 25:09Griffin McElroy?

  Now, I know we've already developed, I consent to be filmed, less than pissing pants, right? But what if we developed a sock with a hidden sole at the bottom, right? So it looks like a sock, but inside the sock, right along the bottom.

• 25:24Travis McElroy?

  It's like a shoe.

• 25:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 25:28Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, if it's, okay, if the sole is just a physics thing, if the sole's on the inside of the sock, you're gonna destroy the sock beneath the sole. I think the sole has to be outside of the, outside of the sock material.

• 25:38Travis McElroy?

  So you need like Spider-Man, basically, like Spider-Man booties.

• 25:41Griffin McElroy?

  Ballet shoes almost.

• 25:42Travis McElroy?

  Hospital socks, like that kind of deal. If you get hospital socks in your back pocket, that's literally much less weird.

• 25:49Griffin McElroy?

  Maybe removable sole. Awesome. Magnetic.

• 25:54Travis McElroy?

  It's Velcro, no. I was trying to help you out and get you away from this bad idea, but you just.

• 25:58Griffin McElroy?

  No, I'm sticking with it like the sole sticks to the bottom of the sock, cause the Velcro on the sole, you see? You don't even need Velcro on the sock side, cause the sock will provide that naturally. All the hooks are on the sole and then you can change it in and out.

• 26:13Travis McElroy?

  I have, Trav, I wish I wasn't, this is true. I have a pair of shoes that I got off a shark tank that have, they basically convert into a slipper. You like, put the bottom of the heel on and it attaches and then you're in outdoor mode. And then when you get into the house, you rip the bottom of the shoe off. And I guess, set it aside. I don't know. I've never figured that part out.

• 26:40Griffin McElroy?

  It didn't come with like a case or something?

• 26:42Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Where do I, can I just throw these in a pile by the door? I don't want to forget them. And then it's a slipper, right? So you've like, you just remove your out, your outdoor, uh, uh, sole, which is like.

• 26:53Griffin McElroy?

  You can just wear those 24/7 then.

• 26:56Travis McElroy?

  Well, I'm adding.

• 26:57Griffin McElroy?

  Those puppies out.

• 26:58Travis McElroy?

  I'm adding a third layer to that, Justin.

• 27:00Griffin McElroy?

  A more complication.

• 27:01Travis McElroy?

  Where it's like, then you can remove another layer and it's just sock. So you go shoe to slipper to sock.

• 27:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 27:08Travis McElroy?

  That's good. That's actually a huge innovation.

• 27:11Griffin McElroy?

  Give me a boot upgrade. I want a whole Iron Man thing that I step into.

• 27:15Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 27:15Griffin McElroy?

  And it just kind of gets me where I need to.

• 27:17Travis McElroy?

  Cause that's one step up from that boot. It's like sock, slipper, shoe, boot, thrusters.

• 27:24Griffin McElroy?

  Pants, thrusters.

• 27:25Travis McElroy?

  Oh, thrusters.

• 27:26Griffin McElroy?

  I was gonna say, but it's all one piece.

• 27:29Travis McElroy?

  Like, yeah, man. That's a utility. I mean, you're talking about, yeah, like waiters.

• 27:33Griffin McElroy?

  You're gonna zip off pants, but instead of the knee, it happens at the top of the boot. Sometimes we stumble into a really good answer after just kind of vamping for a little bit. I think if your shoes are part of your pants, the parents can't say anything. You walk in and they, they can't be like, this is a no shoe household. You'd be like, uh, it's part of my pants. What? Do you want me to get my dick and butt out?

• 27:57Travis McElroy?

  Nice to meet you, by the way.

• 27:59Griffin McElroy?

  Nice to meet you. Crazy energy, like, hi.

• 28:05Travis McElroy?

  Do I, should I hang my suspenders up somewhere or how do you want me to work this?

• 28:09Griffin McElroy?

  Excuse me, I'm wearing a big inflatable Among Us crewmate costume that I got from Spirit Halloween. It's a onesie. You want me to climb out of this and be naked with you? I guess.

• 28:20Travis McElroy?

  I could return it to my local box lunch or Spirit.

• 28:24Griffin McElroy?

  For credit.

• 28:25Travis McElroy?

  Spencer gifts for credit.

• 28:28Griffin McElroy?

  It's been used, well-loved, I like to say.

• 28:30Travis McElroy?

  Used.

• 28:33Griffin McElroy?

  Inflatable Among Us costume, never worn.

• 28:36Travis McElroy?

  Infrequently worn, but worn with a depth that feels like time has been, uh.

• 28:41Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 28:43Travis McElroy?

  Hey, how about we take a quick break?

• 28:45Griffin McElroy?

  Yes.

• 28:45Travis McElroy?

  Is that your cable, you guys?

• 28:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, man, I'm exhausted. My water bottle's been empty this whole time and I've been like, honestly, kind of panicky about it.

• 28:52Travis McElroy?

  Bring in the ad, guys. To do the ads.

• 28:56Griffin McElroy?

  I'll be right back.

• 28:56Travis McElroy?

  The best guys.

• 28:57Griffin McElroy?

  I really am gonna fill this up. I'm thirsty as hell.

• 28:59Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, man, gotta hydrate.

• 29:11Travis McElroy?

  Okay. Hi, everybody. Quick, before Griffin gets back, Justin and I want to tell you about Bonobos. Bonobos is great, but we want to tell you before Griffin gets back.

• 29:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, he wants to keep the secret to himself. If he hears us talking about Bonobos, he's gonna kick our ass.

• 29:24Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, Griffin has loved Bonobos so much.

• 29:26Griffin McElroy?

  What are you two jabronis talking about?

• 29:29Travis McElroy?

  Uh, nothing, nothing was for back right.

• 29:32Griffin McElroy?

  Better not be Bonobos or I'm gonna turn your tails pink. I'm gonna turn your tails pink if you keep talking about Bonobos.

• 29:38Travis McElroy?

  It's not them. No, no, no. This is another, another, uh, great, great option for nailing the perfect fit in men's pants. It's a different place. It's not Bonobos.

• 29:50Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 29:51Travis McElroy?

  This is another.

• 29:51Griffin McElroy?

  I'm gonna make those pants fit, but I, when I pink your behinds.

• 29:55Travis McElroy?

  No, not again.

• 29:56Griffin McElroy?

  Talking about Bonobos.

• 29:57Travis McElroy?

  No, this is a different place. Bonobos anyway, Griffin, why are you so protective of them? Why, why, what's so great about Bonobos?

• 30:03Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, the pants fit perfect, genuinely. They got polos, they got everyday shirts, shorts, everything in between. They got whatever you need. It all looks very trendy. You're gonna look like a stylish person that seems like they know what they're doing. And I, I genuinely, I, I got some stuff from Bonobos a few months back. Uh, and I, I cannot tell you how, how frequently they have entered the rotation. Uh, some, some of my favorite slacks I've ever gotten.

• 30:31Travis McElroy?

  He literally can't tell you, cause he doesn't want to get the word out, cause he wants to keep it all to himself.

• 30:35Griffin McElroy?

  Well, no, cause Bonobos is paying us to spread the word. So like, I do, I'm conflicted. But you, maybe the compromise is just you guys don't make a big deal out of it. Or else you're hang, you're hankering for a spankering if you keep this up, guys.

• 30:48Travis McElroy?

  Hankering for a spankering. Okay, I will, here's what I will, I'll give you an example of what I'm not gonna say. Just for the future reference, okay? I will, I will not say, so put on Bonobos, feel good and get on with your day. Right now, head to bonobos.com slash my brother and use code mybrother for 25% off your order. Once again, that's B O N O B O S dot com slash. My brother for 25% off and make sure you use our promo code mybrother so then we sent you. Hey, have you ever noticed how fuzzy the world looks? And it's like hard to see things that are far away or it's hard to see things that are close up? Well, I got news for you. Glasses, you're gonna love these things.

• 31:32Travis McElroy?

  They're like telescopes you wear on your eyes.

• 31:35Griffin McElroy?

  They are like little telescopes.

• 31:36Travis McElroy?

  And they make your vision, they make the world clear and make things.

• 31:41Griffin McElroy?

  They're like two magnifying glasses, like you're some sort of cool double detective.

• 31:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:46Griffin McElroy?

  Put them on.

• 31:47Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 31:49Griffin McElroy?

  Twin monocles is sort of situation.

• 31:51Travis McElroy?

  Bionicles, if you will.

• 31:53Griffin McElroy?

  Mm hmm. And we've all been waiting for bionicles to come back and Warby Parker surprisingly is the one to do it. We all thought the Lego company would be the bionicle. Nope. Warby Parker does incredible glasses and sunglasses, prescription lenses, whatever you need. And also these rad Lego action figures with their mini multi-colored masks and weapons.

• 32:13Travis McElroy?

  Now I'm worried that we're gonna be see bionicles, the toy will not improve your vision. We want to make that clear. I tried for many years, but no matter how many I ate, it didn't make my vision any better.

• 32:23Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 32:24Travis McElroy?

  bifocals? Yes.

• 32:27Griffin McElroy?

  Bionicles?

• 32:28Travis McElroy?

  No, no. Happy Pride Month. So.

• 32:32Griffin McElroy?

  Bionicles for Happy Pride is.

• 32:34Travis McElroy?

  Bionicles and bifocals.

• 32:35Griffin McElroy?

  We're late, like it would have been, it would have been something in June, but like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just bought, literally just bought new sunglasses from Warby Parker yesterday because I lost my other pair at the pool. And that sucks when that happens, but it sucks less because the, the, the glasses are so affordable. Prescription glasses start at just 95 bucks. These are Warby Parkers. These are Warby Parkers. I have multiple pairs of glasses now for the first time because Warby Parker makes it, Warby Parker makes it just so affordable. And they look great and I don't think those are Warby Parkers. Those look like novelty sort of pineapple glasses.

• 33:10Travis McElroy?

  Oh, much better. Now I can see, now I can see the most important thing, Griffin, and my future is bright and sunny. Hooray, thank you, Warbo.

• 33:21Griffin McElroy?

  So thanks, Warbo, for this sponsorship.

• 33:25Travis McElroy?

  Take it from me, a lifelong fan.

• 33:27Griffin McElroy?

  I can't believe we're beefing, this is.

• 33:29Travis McElroy?

  Warbo Porky. This is. Guys, I don't know how to relate to you on these ads. I can feel you losing control of it. I don't know what to say. My vision's perfect. Like I want to step in, but I'm like not welcome in this space.

• 33:41Griffin McElroy?

  I have tried to get glasses other ways. Warby Parker is the only way that I have found to do it that makes sense financially and they look fucking great.

• 33:50Travis McElroy?

  There'd be an optometrist on there.

• 33:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 33:53Travis McElroy?

  And I told them it's a baby doctor.

• 33:55Griffin McElroy?

  Right now. Buy one pair of glasses and get 20% off any additional pairs at warbyparker.com/mybrother. That's 20% off any additional pairs when you purchase one pair at W A R B Y parker.com/mybrother.

• 34:10Travis McElroy?

  W A R B Y because you can't see clearly without them.

• 34:14Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 34:14Travis McElroy?

  That's, that's not bad, Travis. I would hold that one in reserve.

• 34:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 34:19Travis McElroy?

  You should charge extra for that.

• 34:23Speaker 05

  Hi, I'm Andrew Reich and I host Ed Pilot Society and I am here with Max Fun Member of the Month Jacob Eads. Thank you so much for being a listener of our show and congratulations on being this month's Member of the Month.

• 34:36Speaker 06

  Pleasure to meet you.

• 34:37Speaker 05

  What made you take the leap to become an actual member of Maximum Fun?

• 34:42Speaker 06

  I'm spending all this time listening and enjoying them for content because it's not like just supporting one podcast either. It's supporting a whole network of people. So I feel like the dollar really goes a long way.

• 34:55Speaker 05

  Can't tell you how much we appreciate it. And as our Member of the Month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a special Member of the Month bumper sticker. You can take that car with that bumper sticker and drive it to the parking spot at Max Fun headquarters in Los Angeles, which will be there just for you.

• 35:17Speaker 06

  I might have to get one of my friends to bring like a cardboard cutout of me who lives in Los Angeles and just to show that I was there.

• 35:25Speaker 07

  Support the shows you love, including this one. Check the show notes for a link or go to maximumfun.org/join.

• 35:32Travis McElroy?

  Hey, Max Fun listeners, it's me, Jackie Keshan. I have a podcast with Lori Kilmartin. Say hi, Lori.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Hi, Jacqueline. Hi, Max Fun listeners. But I'm very formal.

• 35:42Travis McElroy?

  We have a podcast and it's about standup comedy and how much we love it and how much we dislike some of it. So listen to that podcast. It's called the Jackie and Lori Show.

• 35:52Speaker 01

  We drop new episodes every Wednesday that gives us plenty of time to decompress from our comedy weekends and discuss things with sane, level heads. No, it doesn't. If you are a woman our age or a man our age, or you know what? Any person of any age, I think you'll enjoy our podcast, Jackie and Lori Show on MaximumFun.org. Bye.

• 36:26Travis McElroy?

  I wanna munch.

• 36:27Griffin McElroy?

  Squad.

• 36:30Travis McElroy?

  I want to munch.

• 36:32Griffin McElroy?

  Squad.

• 36:36Travis McElroy?

  Welcome, Munch Squad. It is a podcast within a podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating. And guys, we've talked a lot about Burger King because they are obsessed, it's, it's kind of getting a little weird how much they want to do a better job. It's like every time they're like, we really want you to come to Burger King. It's really good now.

• 36:54Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it's, it's starting to be, I don't know, they need someone to tell them they're doing a good job. I don't know, like, how many people have to finally say to Burger King, like, no, we've had it our way. We enjoy it our way. And they'll be like, thank God.

• 37:10Travis McElroy?

  Burger King is continuing to turn guest feedback into action with the Your Way Champion. Huh. Burger King is launching into the next chapter in its brand transformation, acting on feedback shared by thousands of guests across the US. Just four months after inviting guests to share honest feedback through its listening initiative that gave out President Tom Curtis's phone number, we remember.

• 37:35Griffin McElroy?

  Bullshit.

• 37:36Travis McElroy?

  Bullshit.

• 37:36Griffin McElroy?

  Bullshit. I mean, yeah, I remember, but I also remember that was bullshit.

• 37:39Travis McElroy?

  Get a call back, by the way, and I was too scared to return it. Like I couldn't, they were like, we heard you talking about on the podcast. I couldn't.

• 37:46Griffin McElroy?

  No, wait, really?

• 37:48Travis McElroy?

  Can't do it. Can't do it. We too weak. Burger King is.

• 37:53Griffin McElroy?

  Man, we, God, juice, this is brave. People never do this on like entertainment products where they're like, there was a thing we could have done. It probably would have kicked ass, but I am too weak to do it.

• 38:04Travis McElroy?

  Too scared to do it. Too weak.

• 38:07Griffin McElroy?

  But you can imagine, guys, with that content, what it'd be like. It would have been, it would have been great. We're just not the ones to make it.

• 38:13Travis McElroy?

  It probably would have been better in your imagination than it would have been in real life, so you're welcome.

• 38:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 38:18Travis McElroy?

  If it had just been me and that person, I, they, it would have just been me trying to get them to like me. It wouldn't have been funny. You know, you're not gonna enjoy that. Burger King is introducing two new initiatives designed to improve the moments guests told the brand matter most. One, providing consistent, accurate and welcoming in restaurant experience. This is the number one thing about Burger King when people called them and said, I would never eat. I wouldn't, I don't like eating in Burger King as much as I used to. Are you, first of all?

• 38:57Travis McElroy?

  Leave the building. Like, do not, unless you're going in to get a crown.

• 39:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 39:02Travis McElroy?

  Do not be in Burger King longer than you, but apparently the number one thing they heard is, I used to love eating in Burger King and I don't love that experience like I used to.

• 39:11Griffin McElroy?

  I hope they factored in the curve of it's 2026. None of us like anything that we used to like as much as we used to like it. It's, it's tough out here and we're all struggling a bit. I used to, I would probably say, I probably enjoyed eating at Burger King more than I currently do.

• 39:29Travis McElroy?

  Unless the next line in this press release is, so we're bringing back the Burger King Kids Club with Kid Vid and Wheels and all your favorites. I'm never going in a Burger King again.

• 39:40Griffin McElroy?

  Only press release. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

• 39:43Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, dude.

• 39:44Griffin McElroy?

  Or an apology press release for chicken fries for them to be like, we fucked that. We really, really, really hung a lot of our hopes on this.

• 39:50Travis McElroy?

  Hey, hey, we're sorry that we made good fries for like a month and then stopped. We apologize.

• 39:56Travis McElroy?

  Burger King is the only brand that'll sell you halfsies. If you want half onion rings and half french fries, they'll do that for you. Halfsies. It's on the menu. No problem.

• 40:05Griffin McElroy?

  That's cool.

• 40:05Travis McElroy?

  Anyway. One thing Burger King heard consistently from guests was that they wanted someone in the restaurant who could quickly make things right when needed.

• 40:16Travis McElroy?

  Awesome. Yeah. Wait. Yeah. Yeah.

• 40:21Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Burger King is excited to announce manajer. Manajer, the mana jer who comes when things are bad to fix them.

• 40:32Travis McElroy?

  Griffin. In response, the brand is introducing the Your Way Champion. A reimagined restaurant manager role designed to empower restaurant leaders and put the guest experience first. More than overseeing restaurant operations, Your Way Champions serve as a dedicated point person clearly identifiable in a Your Way Champion uniform.

• 40:59Griffin McElroy?

  And the, and the bastard sword that they have slung around their back.

• 41:03Travis McElroy?

  They are.

• 41:04Travis McElroy?

  Oh, see, I was picturing like a championship belt, but yeah.

• 41:07Griffin McElroy?

  That works too.

• 41:08Travis McElroy?

  Or both. They who welcomes guests, ensures orders are prepared the way they're requested and is available to make things right whenever needed. So, okay, I want to stop here in the press release to discuss. Yes.

• 41:21Travis McElroy?

  Uh, sorry. I just a quick question. Was I not already doing that?

• 41:26Travis McElroy?

  No, I don't know what the, the, the number one thing that people told Burger King is I will tell people that things are wrong and they will respond to me with stony silence. And a refusal to address the issue. I need at least one person who will not meet you a stony silence and refuse to address the issue. So now you have.

• 41:46Griffin McElroy?

  The Your Way Champion.

• 41:47Travis McElroy?

  Who they have described as sort of like, they're like a extra Burger King. They're like almost outside the sphere. Like, yeah, go. They like, listen, corporate says I'm not supposed to do this, but like they have unhinged me from the shackles. I can, I'm literally like deputized to kind of do whatever it takes within.

• 42:07Griffin McElroy?

  Everyone else at that Burger King to hate the Your Way Champion.

• 42:10Travis McElroy?

  Oh yeah. It's the internal investigations of Burger King.

• 42:13Griffin McElroy?

  The, the narc. Yeah.

• 42:15Travis McElroy?

  Can you, I, this reads as the most passive aggressive way to tell managers like, yeah, we're changing it. Hey, from now on, you're going to be the Your Way Champion.

• 42:27Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 42:27Travis McElroy?

  Can I please, can I just say, no, because managers before weren't fixing problems. They weren't making sure food was done consistently. So now you're a Your Way Champion.

• 42:39Griffin McElroy?

  Who wouldn't bail? Who would not bail? I feel like there would be a mass exodus at Burger King large enough to impact the global economy.

• 42:50Travis McElroy?

  What has gone wrong at Burger King that they need to make it someone's job to care if the burger is upside down?

• 42:58Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 42:59Travis McElroy?

  Like, I don't understand that they have to have one person who's like, shouldn't everybody kind of want it to be my way? Like, I feel like that's part of the idea.

• 43:09Travis McElroy?

  Hey, I ordered a Whopper and this box was empty. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. The Your Way Champion isn't here right now. So fuck off, I guess.

• 43:17Griffin McElroy?

  So fuck you. We ate your fucking guts.

• 43:20Travis McElroy?

  Can.

• 43:20Griffin McElroy?

  Get out of here, shrimp dick.

• 43:24Travis McElroy?

  Is the, is the implication that if the Your Way Champion is on lunch break, don't even fucking.

• 43:30Griffin McElroy?

  Don't even go to Burger King.

• 43:33Travis McElroy?

  They're gonna have to put up a hot and fresh like sign like, yeah.

• 43:37Griffin McElroy?

  Krispy Kreme has.

• 43:39Travis McElroy?

  They will make your entire meal perfectly and then they'll take the tray and smash it into your chest. Just smush it all and then knock you in the toilet.

• 43:47Griffin McElroy?

  Hi, can I get a, can I get a double Whopper chew? Did you just fucking spit on me? Yeah, man. No champion, no rules, no god. Get out of here.

• 43:57Travis McElroy?

  Further, where's your champion now? I think, okay, in, in fairness, there should have to be a staff champion that tries to thwart the Your Way Champion in return, right?

• 44:10Griffin McElroy?

  The Our Way Champion.

• 44:14Travis McElroy?

  The staff needs someone to stand for them against the Your Way Champion. It's an imbalance of power.

• 44:21Travis McElroy?

  Well, we then will need a third party for them to team up again, a Hamburglar-esque like, and I'm here to stop it. A no way champion. I'm here to stop it all.

• 44:32Griffin McElroy?

  Well, that's the Burger King does that. Takes it, can, can, can mediate for the champions of the rest.

• 44:38Travis McElroy?

  Oh no, I need an evil one.

• 44:40Travis McElroy?

  Oh, cool. To further reinforce the commitment to getting things right, Burger King is also introducing a Whopper Guarantee. Which is something that I thought I lived under the protection of already.

• 44:50Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 44:51Travis McElroy?

  Apparently I do not.

• 44:52Travis McElroy?

  I didn't know that it was a Whopper at your own risk scenario.

• 44:56Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 44:57Travis McElroy?

  The Whopper is the brand's most beloved item and guests expect to have it served hot, exactly the way they ordered it. That's why if a Whopper doesn't meet a guest's expectations, the brand will not only continue to remake it on the spot, but they'll offer the guest next Whopper for free.

• 45:12Griffin McElroy?

  Uh oh, infinite food hack.

• 45:15Travis McElroy?

  When we ask, this is Tom Curtis, who

• 45:19Travis McElroy?

  I've read a lot of press, press releases. I believe this is written by the man, Tom Curtis. Let me say that. One, I believe this is written by Tom Curtis. Two, I believe that Tom Curtis took phone calls from people who eat at Burger King regularly for some amount of time because this is a changed man. I've never seen a CEO express this level of humility. Quote, when we asked guests where we could do better, they gave us a lot of honest feedback.

• 45:48Travis McElroy?

  Who?

• 45:50Travis McElroy?

  And now, and now it's our responsibility to act on it. We're not going to get everything right every single time. But we're committed to listening intently.

• 46:06Travis McElroy?

  That but is doing so much work there. But, but, but I promise.

• 46:11Travis McElroy?

  But we're committed to listening intently and improving every day.

• 46:17Griffin McElroy?

  Please stop yelling.

• 46:18Travis McElroy?

  Choose us. When guests choose us, they deserve, they expect high quality food, orders made the way they ask, and a team that's there when they need us. I have lost track of the pronouns at this point. I do not know who is them and us.

• 46:31Travis McElroy?

  I don't think Thomas slept in weeks, Justin. I don't think he's kept track of it.

• 46:36Travis McElroy?

  They, that's what these changes are about. We're raising the standard in our restaurants. So every guest feels like they made the right choice.

• 46:45Travis McElroy?

  Is it, you know, it's funny. Tom Curtis took phone calls from people who all eat at Burger King. And he's like, I gotta figure out why people aren't eating at Burger King more. I gotta get to the bottom of this. Do you know how humbling it must have been just be like, the one thing, Tom, is it would be nice if it didn't suck. And if everybody gave a shit if it sucked and if I could, and they fixed it when it sucked. Is that, okay, thanks. Bye.

• 47:12Travis McElroy?

  And that, Justin, is the calls from people who love Burger King enough to call the CEO and give feedback about Burger King?

• 47:21Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. It's Tom wanted to be like in-store dining experience.

• 47:25Griffin McElroy?

  If Tom wanted a, a really representative sample slice, he should have called us, like called strangers, just picking 10 random numbers on the phone saying like, hey, real quick, this is Tom from Burger King. Do you like it? What could we do to possibly get you back?

• 47:43Travis McElroy?

  Bring back vid kid and wheels and the whole.

• 47:45Griffin McElroy?

  Bring back the king.

• 47:46Travis McElroy?

  We're never.

• 47:47Griffin McElroy?

  I gotta give that up. Person to tell me that.

• 47:48Travis McElroy?

  Your Way Champions serve as a clear point of contact for guests throughout their visit. Have you ever been at a Burger King and been like, who the fuck do I talk to about this? Is it the people in the striped shirts or not? I don't know where, like where I'm supposed to go.

• 48:04Travis McElroy?

  I guarantee you though, Justin, that the managers at the time did love any tiny bit of anonymity that they had during that time. And now they have to wear the big hat with streamers on it that says Your Way Champ. And they can't hide from it anymore.

• 48:20Griffin McElroy?

  I gotta say also, as a customer, I don't want that much attention to be paid to me while I'm at Burger King. I'm really, I'm probably on a road trip, stopping for lunch. That's the only reason I can think that I would be in there in the first place. And I don't need someone, it's like an interactive theater experience that I was not really, that I didn't sign up for. I don't need someone waiting, watching, looking, prowling. Everything okay?

• 48:43Travis McElroy?

  Here at Burger King, our latest innovation, we've installed a third window at the drive thru with an arm down that you can't pass until the your way champion confirms that the burgers you got in the bag are your way. And if they're not-

• 48:56Griffin McElroy?

  Can I watch you eat them?

• 48:57Travis McElroy?

  You won't be allowed to leave until you eat them in front and enjoy and smile at the your way champion. Only then will the arm be lifted and you can continue on your way.

• 49:08Griffin McElroy?

  We did pretty good, huh?

• 49:10Travis McElroy?

  Maybe Tom was like, okay, guys, I've done, I've crunched all the numbers and I talked to everybody. And I figured out what our biggest problem at Burger King is. Bring up the next slide, napkin theft. That's our big problem. The reason we're not making more money is people are stealing too many napkins. So the your way champion is really to just hang out by the napkins. Like whoa, whoa, whoa, partner. Was that made wrong? You need so many napkins?

• 49:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 49:36Travis McElroy?

  Cause I can, we can make it again.

• 49:38Travis McElroy?

  What if they realize one day-

• 49:40Travis McElroy?

  You got a spill? Cause we keep a mop back there, partner.

• 49:43Travis McElroy?

  What if one day, Tom, after poring over charts and chalkboards and everything, you realizes the problem is that people who order at Burger King don't know what makes a burger good and their way sucks?

• 49:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 49:58Travis McElroy?

  And he's like, actually, we should make it our way because we're the ones who have learned how to make the burgers good? And so from now on, there's one burger you can order. One burger, one size of frying.

• 50:12Travis McElroy?

  This is the best one.

• 50:13Travis McElroy?

  This is it. This is the only one you get. But we nail it every time.

• 50:19Travis McElroy?

  I would, oh man. I'm just thinking about, I mean, I'm not gonna eat inside a Burger King. But I'm thinking about the social pressure of eating inside a Burger King and having this person. And what if I'm the only one there?

• 50:31Griffin McElroy?

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:32Travis McElroy?

  You know, what if it's just you and the your way champion?

• 50:36Travis McElroy?

  Staring you down.

• 50:36Griffin McElroy?

  New friend.

• 50:38Travis McElroy?

  Watching you chew. Hey, partner, this seat taken?

• 50:40Travis McElroy?

  How was that by you? What about that one?

• 50:43Griffin McElroy?

  Again, more ketchup, this, more ketchup.

• 50:46Travis McElroy?

  Hey, you know the black bun makes your poops a different color, right? Don't be freaked out. That's still your way. If your poop's weird, it's just your way.

• 50:55Griffin McElroy?

  You may not know, that's cool. The your way champion can be a little pushy about what your way should be.

• 51:00Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 51:01Griffin McElroy?

  Don't freak out.

• 51:02Travis McElroy?

  By the way, to make redeeming the Whopper guarantee frictionless, guests who aren't satisfied with their Whopper can scan the QR code provided inside their Whopper box to receive a unique six-digit code that can be redeemed for a free classic Whopper during their next visit to Burger King.

• 51:21Travis McElroy?

  There's no way anyone will abuse that.

• 51:24Griffin McElroy?

  That's what I'm saying. How do you, but does it also say under the QR code, like, but be honest? Cause I think we fucking crushed this.

• 51:30Travis McElroy?

  But please, please. Free, free has an asterisk next to it and I cannot find what that asterisk is referring to.

• 51:37Travis McElroy?

  I also, there's something that tickles me so much. It's like, hey, if your burger is gross and you didn't like eating it, don't worry, you can have another one.

• 51:48Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, we'll make you another one. No problem. You're not gonna-

• 51:50Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, but I didn't like the first one. I don't care. Here's another one.

• 51:54Travis McElroy?

  Maybe, hey, maybe you don't like Whoppers.

• 51:56Travis McElroy?

  Eat this one. I didn't like that one either. Scan the QR code. I don't want, scan it.

• 52:03Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 52:03Travis McElroy?

  Scan it.

• 52:04Griffin McElroy?

  I think I just don't like the flame grilled taste. Um, yeah, no, you, you will like it. Eat another, eat another one. You'll learn to love it.

• 52:13Travis McElroy?

  Putting the code in the box feels like when in video games, you're watching a cinematic and there's a huge skip cutscene button. And it's like, they really are not confident in this product. They really want to make it clear how you get around this. Like opening the box and be like, disappointed? Scan this code. Dude, do we let you down again?

• 52:33Griffin McElroy?

  We know, we get it. Is it under, it has to be on the bottom of the, of the clamshell container, right?

• 52:38Travis McElroy?

  I mean, cause that's a position would be at that point, but like, then you have to finish the whole Whopper you don't like. That sucks.

• 52:45Travis McElroy?

  It's in the middle of the Whopper, like a fortune cookie.

• 52:47Griffin McElroy?

  Does it make less sense than?

• 52:49Travis McElroy?

  You clearly didn't eat the whole thing. The, the code's at the bottom of the burger.

• 52:53Griffin McElroy?

  It doesn't make less sense than opening the box and the first thing you're confronted with is a little QR code. It's like, on the off chance this sucks. Listen, this may not be good. You might not like this hamburger you see before you.

• 53:08Travis McElroy?

  Oh, they've written out the QR code in ketchup on the bottom of the bun. That's nice of them. Thank you.

• 53:14Travis McElroy?

  Hey, thank you so much for listening to this podcast, which is calling my brother, my brother in me.

• 53:21Travis McElroy?

  That's true.

• 53:22Griffin McElroy?

  That is, yep.

• 53:23Travis McElroy?

  I can confirm that.

• 53:24Travis McElroy?

  Did you guys think I was gonna say more stuff?

• 53:25Travis McElroy?

  Well, I, if you like other podcasts, specifically-

• 53:28Travis McElroy?

  Oldest trick in the book.

• 53:29Travis McElroy?

  It's specifically, if you like-

• 53:30Griffin McElroy?

  Always be guessing.

• 53:31Travis McElroy?

  A podcast called The Besties. Boy, have I got huge news for you. The Besties is performing live on Broadway and not just like out on the street, like in a theater. Yeah, at the town hall in NYC, uh, like on a stage too, not just like in the lobby, like a quartet singing. They'll be on the stage doing Besties live and you can get tickets now at bit.ly/bestiesonbroadway.

• 53:56Griffin McElroy?

  That's October 9th, coming up real soon. So come see us.

• 53:59Travis McElroy?

  It's gonna be a great show.

• 54:00Griffin McElroy?

  It's gonna be a tight. We got, um, some new merch up at the merch store over at macaraymerch.com. We got a, a pew painting is always a free action shirt inspired by the Pazz Royale finale. Uh, that one's only available till the end of September, designed by, uh, Brent Doherty. Uh, thank you so much, Brent. Uh, and 10% of all the, uh, all of our merch proceeds this month will also be donated to Native Women Lead. Uh, so, so go check all that out over at macaraymerch.com.

• 54:27Travis McElroy?

  I've got this 3D printed, uh, pirate ship that I haven't even broken the support trees off yet, but I can-

• 54:33Travis McElroy?

  Ooh, that's a great way of doing it.

• 54:34Travis McElroy?

  I think I could arc this pretty good.

• 54:36Travis McElroy?

  How do you resist?

• 54:37Griffin McElroy?

  But no, no, no, no, no, Trish, Trish, Trish.

• 54:38Travis McElroy?

  Hey, can, can we look at the supports real quick? What we got going on there? Just out of curiosity. Organic?

• 54:43Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 54:43Travis McElroy?

  I love organic supports.

• 54:44Travis McElroy?

  I like the tree slim is what I get.

• 54:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, those are much more fun to break off.

• 54:48Griffin McElroy?

  I wouldn't break those off, honestly.

• 54:49Travis McElroy?

  What kind of gap spacing do you have, uh, on, in, in between the material there, Trish? What kind of, uh, infill percentage?

• 54:56Travis McElroy?

  Standard.

• 54:57Travis McElroy?

  Nice.

• 54:58Griffin McElroy?

  The normal one.

• 54:58Travis McElroy?

  The normal one.

• 54:59Griffin McElroy?

  Trish, remember, we chuck shit over our shoulder. Yeah, no, I know, I know.

• 55:03Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 55:03Travis McElroy?

  I'm gonna try to do it without looking and not slamming into all the precious awards I have in the-

• 55:08Griffin McElroy?

  That's what I'm saying, man. That's why it's high stakes. Well, you're standing.

• 55:12Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I need some room. Okay, you ready? Here we go. Can you see me enough to know that I'm not facing?

• 55:19Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking not at all, bro.

• 55:21Travis McElroy?

  Well, that's my shoulder, see?

• 55:23Griffin McElroy?

  I'm just saying you could do it from your chair. Okay, you got it.

• 55:28Griffin McElroy?

  That sounded big. That sounded like a big smash room, dude.

• 55:32Travis McElroy?

  Is it okay?

• 55:32Travis McElroy?

  Let me see. I gotta find it first. Jeez Louise.

• 55:36Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, sorry to get pushy, dude.

• 55:38Travis McElroy?

  There it is.

• 55:42Travis McElroy?

  Oh God.

• 55:44Travis McElroy?

  It's okay.

• 55:45Griffin McElroy?

  That's all right, man.

• 55:47Travis McElroy?

  Piece, a piece of the support came off, but that's okay.

• 55:50Griffin McElroy?

  That's fine. That's fine.

• 55:51Travis McElroy?

  That's what you want. That's the deal. That's like ideal.

• 55:53Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, it was perfect.

• 55:54Griffin McElroy?

  Do it again.

• 55:55Travis McElroy?

  My name is Justin McElroy.

• 55:56Travis McElroy?

  I'm Travis McElroy.

• 55:57Griffin McElroy?

  I'm Griffin McElroy.

• 55:58Travis McElroy?

  This is my brother, my brother, me, kiss your ass, girl on the lips.

• 56:33Travis McElroy?

  Maximum fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.