197: Breaking Up With Green Flags

What happens when you have to end a relationship with someone who did nothing wrong? This episode covers the breakup nobody prepares you for: leaving someone good, or being left by someone who simply "isn't feeling it." Sabrina breaks down why love and alignment are not the same thing, how to tell the difference between a rough patch and real incompatibility, and why these breakups can hurt more than the ones with an obvious reason. Whether you're carrying the guilt of leaving or the confusion of being left with no explanation that makes sense, this episode helps you stop internalizing someone else's feelings as a verdict on your worth. Sabrina shares her own story, the science of breakup recovery, and a tool of the week with journaling prompts for both sides. Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026, "Why Am I Like This?" If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step HERE! If you’re serious about changing your dating patterns instead of repeating them, the Art of Going Slow course helps you unlearn urgency, regulate your nervous system, and build real connection without rushing, chasing, or abandoning yourself HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Please support our sponsors! Get 40% off select Lola Blankets products at Lolablankets.com by using code SABRINA at checkout. Experience the world’s #1 blanket with Lola Blankets Download the Poshmark app and use code sabrina when you sign up to get $10 off your first purchase, or shop now at Poshmark.com/sabrina and get $10 off your first purchase. This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Get 10% off your first month of Betterhelp at betterhelp.com/sabrina ============================= Chapters: 00:00 The Breakup Nobody Talks About 01:54 When Nothing Is Wrong on Paper 06:46 Choosing Yourself Feels Scary 09:22 Why Love and Alignment Differ 15:30 The Brain Science of Heartbreak 21:15 Guilt vs Grief After a Breakup 23:23 Stop Outsourcing Your Validation 26:32 You Were Enough, It Was the Fit 28:17 How to Know If You Should Leave 31:27 Tool of the Week: 7 Day Journal Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 0:59Sabrina Zohar?

  This episode is for two people. The first person is sitting across from someone kind, someone consistent, someone who shows up and treats you well, and you feel the worst person alive because all you can think of is, "This isn't it. Nothing happened. They didn't cheat. They didn't lie. They just aren't your person." And you've probably known that for a while. The second person is the one who just got told, "I just don't feel like I have what I need to fully commit to this." And you're sitting there like, "What the fuck does that even mean? I did everything right. I showed up. I was consistent. I was kind, and it still wasn't enough?" I've been both of these people. I wanted to talk to you today about both, because this is the breakup nobody prepared you for. Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Babes, this is a highly requested episode,

• 1:43Sabrina Zohar?

  one that I think nobody really talks about: breaking up with somebody when there's no obvious reasons to break up with them. I have been there. I have been on both sides of the coin. And as shitty as it feels on both sides of the coin, we're gonna talk about it all. And I'm so excited. This isn't about the toxic relationships or red flags. This is about the one where the person is genuinely good and it didn't work out. We're covering both sides, the guilt of leaving and the confusion of being left. The science of why your brain makes this feel impossible, no matter what side you're on. Why love and alignment are not the same. But as always, stick around until the end because there's a tool of the week and it's something you can literally use tonight, no matter which side of the coin that you're on. And guys, as always, thank you again for everything. I love you guys. You are literally the reason that I'm fucking here.

• 2:28Sabrina Zohar?

  And I'm so grateful. The book, we're getting there. We're getting closer and closer. Don't worry, pre-orders have not opened up yet. But when they do, I will be screaming it from the rooftops because I'll need your help. If you guys need anything, you can join one of the courses. We have the Going Slow or the Healthy Dating Foundation course. You can work one-on-one, ask a question, join one of our just free guides and be in the community. Or just be here. If you guys need ad-free, feel free, everything will be in the show notes. You can slow the show down. You can do whatever the fuck you feel for you. I don't take offense to that. But babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? So why did this all start? I posted online a photo of me and an ex. Is the 2016 ex? Yes. And on paper, there was nothing wrong with this guy. He was lovely. He was, he looked like a Ken doll.

• 3:13Sabrina Zohar?

  He was so handsome and he was charming and lovely. But he was a little basic, right? Like he was from the Midwest and so we were just different people. And I remember our first date, like he told me to meet him at a bar at his friend's birthday. And I kind of was just like, that's weird. And we had like a nice time. I remember we went back, we hooked up. And then I woke up in the morning and he was like, you want to go get lunch? And we just like, kind of, that was it, right? It was like, we just started spending all this time together. He was obsessed with Clem. They were like thick ass thieves. And I remember at the time thinking like, oh, perfect. Okay, I don't have to do this anymore. Like I found a guy. I wasn't at the time where I was like, does this work for me? Is this what I want? Setting boundaries? No, no, no, baby. I just wanted to know, do you choose me? Do you like me? Great. Now I have a boyfriend for me. Heterosexual norms. Again, please insert.

• 3:57Sabrina Zohar?

  You know, just a side note, my ADHD brain, it does shock me how many men are like, this applies to men too. I'm like, I wouldn't say otherwise. You're 100% correct. And so I only gender my own personal experiences because that's what I have to go off of. But everything else is they? Because I don't believe that anybody is that different because love is love to me. So, side note. Anyways. And so me and this guy went from like, I remember being at his house like that afternoon. He was like, come with me. He lived uptown. I live downtown. So it was like a long distance relationship at that point. And he said, why don't you come with me and bring Clem and like come and hang out with me at the apartment. And he like bought me a ticket right then and there to go and see his lake house in the Midwest. And it wasn't love bombing. Like, I want to clarify. He wasn't, he was probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. He was just like me. We were just like, super excited. We were stoked. We were like,

• 4:42Sabrina Zohar?

  oh, my God, I met somebody that I like. This is really fun. And that's kind of just like the beginning of it, right? And we were together like every single day. And we were always together. And then we started to do some work together. And he was starting a company. And so I was helping and I connected him to my brother to do some work together. Like, it was a thing. He met my dad, right? Like, he started to meet the family and the friends. We were together for almost a year. It was like 10 months. And on paper, again, nothing was wrong. But I did notice, like, he was a heavy drinker. I don't drink alcohol. It's just not my thing. He would do two bottles of wine every single night. And so that was the first, like, I don't know if that were really compatible. And not because, but more so because I was like, I also think this person might have a problem if every single night were doing this. And it would get to the point where like, I would start to get

• 5:25Sabrina Zohar?

  kind of annoyed with him. But I think I was so scared of letting go of the routines and all the things that we were doing. We'd had our shows together. We'd watch Ballers together. And we watched Vice Principals together. We had our HBO night. And we would love the same restaurants and, you know, all of this. And I remember like, being slightly jealous of a friend he had who was a really good girlfriend of his. But like, nothing that was monumental. And fast forward, like, I remember just being numb to kind of everything. Like, I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I was just kind of there. I was a bit of a blob. I was very short. I was very reactive. And we went away to see his family for two weeks. I brought Clemmy. We drove cross country, or like, we drove to his house. And it was a fun time, but I was fucking miserable. And I had like, gained a ton of weight. I just totally let go of

• 6:10Sabrina Zohar?

  myself. And I didn't really recognize myself in the mirror. And we went to a wedding of a friend of mine. And I remember being there. And her husband was on a TV show. And so there were a lot of the actors there. And there was one, and he's a very good looking guy. And I remember the whole time staring and trying

• 6:25Sabrina Zohar?

  to get his attention and that's when I looked back at the guy I was with and I was like this isn't it like our sex life was mediocre like we were just because he was kind of like didn't really connect in that way and so it was me kind of trying to convince him often and then like it was just he wanted to cuddle in the middle of the night and I just don't touch me please like leave me alone so we were just like incongruent with some stuff but I like really have like I'm really new wardrobe I was helping with his hair like I was really giving him the glow up but I remember just sitting there at the wedding and just being like this isn't it for me I just knew it in my gut I can't I think a lot of people want like a what was it what is that moment and it's just listening to myself and saying I'm not happy this isn't the person for me and fast forward like a week later where he was at my house and I think I remember just looking at him and saying this isn't working and he looked at me and he said I agree and we both cried we just sat there holding each other and crying and then he was like alright well I should probably head out then and he emptied the closet of his clothes that he had there I had just moved in like I you know I lived with him for like a month prior because I was in New York in New York you're looking for apartments sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do I remember crying and he left and I was bummed and then a couple of days later I remember I was like back on the apps and so was he and we ended up like being friends right like he was a really good person confidant I helped him get his dog I helped him rescue him um he was so close with Clemmie so he would still come over and see him and we just ended really amicably and I mean to this day I don't know where the fuck this guy is it's been now what 26 it's been almost 10 years holy shit it's been 10 years wow that just happened and all that to say those are sometimes the hardest breakups when there's nothing wrong on paper no one hurt you no one fucked you over no one's disrespectful but you just know in your gut this just isn't it for me like I'm not satisfied I'm not fulfilled this person and I are just not in alignment on that way and I just couldn't fathom he was also 10 years older than me and not like that's the end of the world but I actually think he might have even been older than that he's probably even closer to 50 at this point which again humbling me but it was just really just noticing in that moment we have really different ways that we see life happening

• 8:24Sabrina Zohar?

  And I learned in that moment that it's okay to choose yourself. I know that it feels really scary at times to say, "I don't want this and this doesn't feel good to me." And after, I started to attack myself because I was like, "Well, who are you? How dare you put yourself first?" And then I had to realize, "Well, who taught me that?" And that doesn't mean that that's applicable. That doesn't mean that I have to listen to that. That just means that I'm able to sit in that grief. And I think after I meet my ex now, the Biggie, the one that was on the episode of The Biggest Heartbreaks, he and I got back together and so me and this guy stopped being friends. And to this day, like I said, I don't know where he is. I wish him all the best only. I genuinely hope that he is married with kids, if that's what he wanted, or happy in his life. I could care less what that looks like because I loved him as a person, but I knew he wasn't my person. And I know how tough that can be when you have somebody incredible and amazing and

• 9:09Sabrina Zohar?

  there's nothing wrong with them, but you're just not feeling it. This is different than, "I don't feel the spark." I'm not looking for a spark. But I'm talking that when you've been with someone for almost a year and you're identifying, "I don't think this is my person," then keeping them any longer, at that point, you're just harming them and you're being hurtful. So to me, that's really a lose-lose. I'd rather, again, be alone than with somebody that I know isn't for me because I'm scared of what the other side of that looks like. And so I had to make a really tough decision. And I did. And I never regretted it. I have always been really, really grateful that that person and I are not together because I don't think we would have lasted all that much longer beyond that, especially since we were both kind of on the same page. So, I wanted to share that story because I think it exemplifies that that's a really human thing to happen.

• 9:53Sabrina Zohar?

  I share with you guys all the times that people don't like me or that people didn't want me or that guys, for me again, heterosexual norms, picked me over. And then when I was on the other side of it, I was like, "Ah, yeah, I get what that means." And I've had plenty of guys tell me, "I think you're amazing, but I'm just not feeling what it is that I should feel in this moment." And that's okay. I used to attack myself and put myself down and try to understand what's wrong with me and what did I do wrong? And eventually I had to realize, it takes two people to make a choice and a conscious choice to choose each other in a relationship. And if one person is saying that that doesn't work for them, that doesn't mean that we have to internalize that everything is about us. We can also just leave it there that it's just not a match for the two of us and that's okay. As much as that could be really tough, that's also a fucking reality we need to face. This episode is sponsored by Lola Blankets.

• 10:38Sabrina Zohar?

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• 11:22Sabrina Zohar?

  And my favorite part is that Lola comes in ranges of sizes. So I have the large, it's perfect for cozying up solo, but the extra-large baby is massive and they call it the biggest blanket on the internet for a reason. Plus, there's a weighted blanket. It is everything for me. When I'm feeling anxious, I wrap myself in it. I love it so much. It's calming, it's therapeutic, it's everything. Baby, for a limited time, our listeners can get 40% off select Lola Blankets with code Sabrina at checkout. So, just head to LolaBlankets.com and use code Sabrina. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and let them know we sent you. Wrap yourself in luxury with Lola Blankets. All right, so there's no clean, good, or bad guy here

• 12:06Sabrina Zohar?

  and that's what I think makes us so disoriented. For the person leaving, everyone talks about the red flags and the narcissists, but no one talks about when the person is genuinely good and you still don't want to be with them. So you start questioning, I'm like, am I sabotaging? Am I avoidant? Am I too picky? Sometimes the answer could be that and sometimes the answer is this person is good and they're not your person. Both things can be true. For the person that's left, you're doing the same questioning but from the other side. What's wrong with me? What am I missing? If I was just a little more this, would they have stayed? Someone wrote in and said, "He broke up with me because he said he feels like I'm not his soulmate. How do I get over that?" Someone is telling you that they care about you and it's not enough. So how do you process that? And I think that's the cruelest part. You can't even be angry at them because they didn't do anything wrong either. They were honest and somehow that sometimes makes it worse. You almost wish that they had cheated.

• 12:50Sabrina Zohar?

  You almost wish that this person had hurt you. So you knew where you could put the pain. And there was a study done. Of course, there's a study done. I'm always going to do a study. And it was in 2021 at Western University from Samantha Joel. So it found that humans have a progression bias. We're wired to make decisions that move relationships forward, not end them. And so evolutionarily, having any partner was more important than having the right partner. So when you feel like you should stay because there's nothing is wrong, that's your biology talking. That doesn't necessarily mean it's truth. And when you're the one being left, your brain thinks, but I thought we were fine. So your brain is also running that same program, reading stability as rightness. So Joel's earlier research showed that 74% of people agreed to date someone who had traits they'd specifically identified as deal breakers. We literally overlook in compatibility by design.

• 13:35Sabrina Zohar?

  And so oftentimes, both of the people are fighting biology, right? One person's gut is saying, leave, this isn't right. The other person's gut is saying, fight for this. While the reality is, you can't make someone feel something that they don't. It's a really harsh reality that we need to face. That just because you care about someone and just because you like them, doesn't mean that they feel the same thing about you. And the more we internalize that and make that about us, the more that we're not looking at the fact that that takes a lot of kindness for them to tell you that. That takes a lot of growth and maturity for someone to be honest with you. And instead of internalizing this and making it about you, you could say, thank you so much, next. Because there is somebody out there that's never going to even fucking blink and have the opportunity to lose you because they know what the fuck they have. And if it's not this person, that's okay. You just haven't met them yet. So here's where it gets a little bit more complicated though. Leaving a good person isn't about you.

• 14:20Sabrina Zohar?

  And being left by a good person isn't just about them. So let's talk about the pro-social trap versus the self-worth spiral. Both sides get stuck in a loop that keeps them from moving forward. For the person leaving, that's called the pro-social trap. So again, this was another study that they had done. They studied over 4,000 people in relationships and found that people make, stay, or leave decisions pro-socially. So what that means is they factor in how much their partner depends on the relationship. The more dependent they believed the partner was, the less likely they were to initiate a breakup. But here's the kicker. Who wants a partner who doesn't really want to be in the relationship? You think you're being kind by staying, but you're actually just robbing them of someone who's all in, of somebody who could actually choose them for who they are. So instead of trying to convince yourself to pick them or to be chosen,

• 15:05Sabrina Zohar?

  maybe we can grieve the fact that this didn't work out, but not have to make it mean anything about you. So somebody wrote this in, "Someone was well-intentioned, but very limited and always shut down, and I stepped back. I want to hold space for both thoughts. One, he meant well and tried, and two, this didn't work out for me, and it would result in bitter resentment and losing myself. My brain feels exhausted from trying to not make him a villain. How do I hold space for both without being drained?" That's kind of what this whole episode is about. You don't have to make them bad to make leaving right, right? And somebody on the flip side said, "I just did this. It was so hard. The guy was amazing. I'm glad you're talking about it." But that's the whole feeling. The person was amazing and you still left, and it was still the right thing to do. I'll give you the best tip to healing your anxious attachment style that changed everything for me:

• 15:49Sabrina Zohar?

  holding two conflicting thoughts. You're allowed to be sad that it didn't work, but it also doesn't have to mean that there's something wrong with you. This person's allowed to be a great human and also not be that great human that's for you. It's okay to hold two conflicting thoughts because what that allows you to do is to be able to hold them accountable for their part, and then take accountability for yours. And somebody that is saying that they're not into it doesn't have to mean that they're good, you're bad. It could just mean that it's not compatible. So the person being left, again, there was the self-worth spiral research from Slaughter, Gardner, and Finkel. So Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin said, "Across three studies, they found that people experience reduced self-concept clarity after a breakup." Meaning, you literally don't know who the fuck you are anymore.

• 16:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Your sense of self gets completely destabilized, and that reduced clarity is what predicts emotional distress, not just the loss of the person, but the loss of who you thought you were with them. The research said it best. Couples don't just complete each other's sentences, they complete each other's selves. So when it ends, you're not just losing a partner, you're losing parts of your identity. So when someone ended it and they say that they're just not feeling it, I know we go into the "what could I have done differently?" spiral. But if somebody broke up with you and you're constantly questioning your worth, your value, and who the fuck you are, then this actually had nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with your core beliefs. And the reason that you're in this relationship is because you're going against those core beliefs. Because if them leaving and them saying that they're not into it sends you to hell in a handbasket and a spiral, then baby, it was never about them. And we need to be fucking honest about that.

• 17:14Sabrina Zohar?

  And remember, if you guys are listening to this and you keep ending up on either side, whether you're the one who can never fully commit or the one who keeps being left by people, just aren't sure, that's a pattern. And patterns don't just fucking change on their own. That's why I built the Healthy Dating Foundation course. It is eight weeks of repatterning, regulating, and rebuilding how you show up in dating. Baby, the link is in the show notes or sabrinaizawa.com. This episode is sponsored by Poshmark. I have been a Poshmark girly for over a decade now. I am obsessed. I love when I'm out at a store or I'm looking for something and I always wonder, "Wait a minute, can I find it on Poshmark?" Like this Rotten Boa dress that I am obsessed with, that frankly speaking, I don't want to pay retail for. So I will go to Poshmark because I was hunting it down and I have spent so long.

• 17:56Sabrina Zohar?

  And now I can find something for way less, thanks to Poshmark. So Poshmark is the leading fashion resale marketplace shaped by real people and real style. Millions of new and pre-loved items from daily wardrobe staples to vintage luxury items. Whatever you need, Poshmark has your back. And it's always fun because you enter in your favorite brand. It doesn't matter what that is. It could be Louis Vuitton, it could be Miu Miu, it could be Fendi, or it could even be something like Lululemon. And if you're looking for something specific, you can find it on Poshmark because they have over 80 million users on this platform. And new deals and styles are listed every day, so don't wait. Download the Poshmark app and use code SUBRINA when you sign up and get $10 off your first purchase.

• 18:38Sabrina Zohar?

  Or shop now at poshmark.com/sabrina and get $10 off your first purchase. That's P-O-S-H-M-A-R-K.com/Sabrina. Here's the part that nobody really wants to hear on both sides. You can love someone and still not be aligned with them. You can be aligned on paper and still not feel it. Because for both sides, love is a feeling and alignment is a direction. You can love someone's character and respect who they are, enjoy their company, and still know that you're in your gut that your futures don't match. Again, this isn't about the spark or the butterflies. This is about, do I see myself building a life with this person? And does that version excite me or just not terrify me? And I know that culturally, we're told love is enough, and love should be enough, and all you need is love. It's not. If all you needed was love, all of us would be in a different place.

• 19:23Sabrina Zohar?

  It's not enough, because love is the baseline, but alignment is the thing that makes it last. You have to see if you're actually compatible, if you both want the same things, and if you're both choosing each other every single day, you can love somebody and still decide that they're not your fucking person. That doesn't mean that anybody is right or wrong, but that just means that one emotion and feeling isn't enough to keep two people together.

• 19:42Sabrina Zohar?

  So, let's get into another study. Joel McDonald and Paige Gould studied people actively contemplating breakups. They found 27 distinct reasons people want to stay, and 23 distinct reasons people want to leave. Forty-nine percent of participants reported strong motivation to stay, both stay and leave simultaneously. So, this is called stay-leave ambivalence, and it was especially common in anxiously attached individuals. What? Us? Most people aren't choosing between good and bad. They're holding to competing truths at the same time. So, the person being left, that means their ambivalence wasn't about you. It was happening inside of them. They were probably fighting to stay. They were probably trying to talk themselves into it, and the fact that they couldn't isn't a reflection of your worth. Someone not choosing you doesn't mean you weren't worth choosing. It means what they needed wasn't something you could give them,

• 20:28Sabrina Zohar?

  and that's not your fault and not yours to own. Can you love someone but not be in love with them? 100%. The difference between love and attachment is love is about who they are. Attachment is about what they give you. So, if you're more afraid of losing the feeling than losing the person, that's attachment. So, okay, let's play this game. You guys always want to know why, right? Why this, and why this, and why this? So, if you know why, why can't you just leave? And if you've been left, why can't you just move on? Well, here's what's actually happening in your brain to why. So, welcome to guilt and grief. The person leaving carries guilt that doesn't respond to logic. The person being left carries grief that doesn't have a villain. Both are stuck. So, for the person leaving, guilt that doesn't make sense, so there was research done, of course there was. They tracked 3,734 separation events. They tracked emotional outcomes after breakups across thousands of people.

• 21:12Sabrina Zohar?

  They found that initiator status, having a new partner, times since separation, and social network satisfaction all predicted relief from sadness, anger, and other emotions. But guilt was the one emotion that none of these factors could rely on. ...predict, meaning you can be the one who left, have a great support system, know it was right, and still feel crushing guilt. Because guilt after leaving a good person is an evidence that you made the wrong choice, it's just evidence that you're a fucking good person. Now, for the other side, the person that's being left, guilt without a villain. So again, there was a study done at Columbia University, and they did fMRI studies, though Paraloo and Bus found that people who didn't initiate a breakup reported more depression, rumination, and lower self-esteem than those who did. So fMRI research at Columbia found that the brain processes romantic rejection in the same regions as physical pain.

• 21:57Sabrina Zohar?

  We've talked about the insula and the anterior cingulate cortex. Your body is literally experiencing this as a wound, so it's not dramatic, this is called neuroscience. And, research on reward centers, found that recently rejected people showed activity in the same brain areas as drug addiction withdrawal when looking at photos of their ex. Your brain is going through a withdrawal from this person. And then the parallel is that the person who left is thinking, "Why do I feel so bad when I knew this wasn't right?" The person who was left is, "Why does this hurt so much when they didn't even do anything wrong?" Same wound, but a different angle. And then we start to go back, "Maybe I should go back," versus "Maybe I should just try harder and they'll come back." Both people checking the other social media for different reasons, friends making it worse, right? But they were great, right? You'll find someone better. Neither of those help. The difference between guilt, which is "I did something wrong," and grief, which is

• 22:42Sabrina Zohar?

  "I lost something real," the person leaving carries both. And I know you probably don't want to hear that. And I know that you're probably just like, "Well, fuck them." And it's like, "Well, I get that, right? That's valid." But at the same time, we also don't need to villainize. I think that's also part of the anxious attacher and that black and white thinking. If they're bad, then I'm good, and if they're good, then that makes me bad. But maybe we can hold space that no one's good or bad, that maybe this just wasn't a match. You've got nine billion fucking people on the planet, and you have this one person that tells you that they don't want to be with you, and that's it, you're hell in a handbasket, and it's the end of the fucking world? How about instead that we say, "If I can meet them and feel something, then that means I can meet somebody again, and I understand you're scared, and I'm not going to discredit that, but just because you're scared doesn't mean you need to stay in the wrong relationship

• 23:25Sabrina Zohar?

  convincing somebody to choose you when they've already made it clear that they don't." Both sides need different medicine for the same breakup. So, if you're the one leaving, someone asked, "How do you quiet the voice of what could have been..." And honestly, here's what I want you to hear. That voice exists on both sides. So if you left, you're probably wondering, what if I'd stayed? Like, maybe would it have gotten better? And if you were left, you're also wondering, what if I just needed a little more of what they needed? And what if I was just this and this? Neither of you can answer the question because what could have been isn't real. It's a fantasy your brain is creating to avoid sitting with what is. Mama Zohar has always said, instead of focusing on what if, focus on what is. Because if you had a person that had the bandwidth and the tools and all the things that you needed, you wouldn't have to ask what if, because that's what you would actually be dealing with. So instead of creating this narrative of if they had just changed and been this different version,

• 24:10Sabrina Zohar?

  or if I had been different, maybe they would have chosen me, we now need to look and say, where the fuck did you learn that from? That you have to take full accountability as to why people don't like you. Maybe somewhere in your childhood, that was a gap you had to fill. But you're now in adult relationships, baby. People are gonna walk in and out of your life. And if you're so beholden to whether they stay or whether they go, you're fucking outsourcing all of your validation to the external and not actually realizing the baddie-ass baby that is sitting in front of me, who deserves nothing but the best, and you will fucking find that. And I want to be honest, you're not a monster for feeling, right? Like, any of the guilt or shame. You can't manufacture a feeling that isn't there. So staying out of guilt is not being kind, right? You're eroding both. There's a version of them with someone who looks at them the way they deserve to be looked at, and you're keeping them from that love.

• 24:53Sabrina Zohar?

  That's not fair to the other person. And the guilt will follow you for a while. It's okay, you can let it. It means you cared, but don't let it pull you back into something you know isn't right. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know we think relationships and all of these different aspects can cause anxiety, but did you also know that financial stress affects far more than our bank accounts? It can take a serious toll on mental health, relationships, with 88% of Americans feeling some form of financial stress at the start of 2026. Money worries bring anxiety, sleep disruption, and even depression, and was one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. And I want to normalize the emotional weight of financial stress and remind people that struggling with money doesn't mean that you failed.

• 25:36Sabrina Zohar?

  Sometimes, it just means that we need to access the right support. And I personally am going through that. Having a career where you never know where it is gonna come from, when it's gonna come in. And dealing with the unknown can feel really scary, but with BetterHelp, you've got someone by your side. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US. You take a quick quiz, they match and do the initial work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. And if you're not happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs. Baby, when life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/sabrina. That's better H E L P dot com slash Sabrina.

• 26:20Speaker 03

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• 26:48Sabrina Zohar?

  So again, another research. Longitudinal study found that breakup distress in early adulthood was associated with future benefits, not just future distress. So people who sat with the pain and processed it showed growth over time. Like I had just described with my ex. Yeah, in the moment, it was really hard and it hurt and I didn't want to hurt somebody. But at the same time, I had to look and say, well, it's just not for me. And now when I look back, having an amazing partner who is there for me. When I think back on all the people that I had dated prior to this. Sure, they might have been, oh, they're so attractive and they're so cool and they dress really well. And it's like, yeah, who the fuck is with you at night when you're crying? Who's holding you? Who's there for you? I don't give a fuck about their six pack. Is their six pack keeping you warm? Maybe figuratively, but not literally.

• 27:30Sabrina Zohar?

  And just because you have somebody that on paper looks amazing, if they're not actually able to satisfy your needs and vice versa. You satisfy theirs because you're both choosing each other and you're both investing in this. Then you are now just prolonging the inevitable. And the more you ask, why didn't this work out and what could I have done differently? The further you are away from an actual answer. It's not about why or what you could have done differently. It's about the fucking who, because it's not this goddamn person. Grief isn't a sign you failed, baby. It's the process of becoming someone who knows. Knows what they actually need. And remember, if you're the one being left, their inability to feel what they needed to feel is not a verdict on your worth. You showed up, baby. You were consistent, you were kind. That's not nothing. That's everything. It just wasn't the right person. And I know, I think, I see this all the time. It's like, but I've done all the work. I've done all the work, so why am I not seeing the results? Well, if you're doing the work to see results,

• 28:14Sabrina Zohar?

  then that's why you're going to be pretty fucking disappointed when you don't get them. We're not doing this because it guarantees you a result by the end of it. You do this so that if this happens, you're okay with it. That you know that your worth isn't contingent on them choosing you. And I know the hardest thing you'll do is to stop trying to figure out what you could have done differently. Because the answer might be nothing, and that answer is infuriating. You're going to want to shrink and become smaller and quieter. Please don't. The problem was never that you were not enough or too much. The problem was fit. There was another study done at Columbia University that studied breakup recovery over eight weeks. And it found that people who failed to redefine their sense of self, right? Separated from the relationship, had worse psychological outcomes. People who actively talked about the breakup and processed it showed faster self-concept recovery and less emotional intrusion over time.

• 28:58Sabrina Zohar?

  Talking about it isn't wallowing. It's a mechanism for rebuilding who you are. But we can't ruminate it in it. We can't constantly be in the what if, and this, and this, and why can't this? And why didn't they? We have to look and say, how can I move forward and how can I move on? So, how do I know if this was real? Whether you're questioning leaving or questioning why you were left, here's how to sort through it. If you're thinking of leaving, someone had asked, how to know if it's a season that you both should navigate through versus the end? Does this pattern show up in every relationship? If you always pull away right when things get good, that's worth examining. Is this about the person or about intimacy? If someone getting close to you is the trigger, not who they are, then that's avoidance, right? And can you name specific things that are missing? Or is it just vague off feeling, right?

• 29:43Sabrina Zohar?

  If it's vague, worth investigating. I hear this all the time with my anxious attachers. Something feels off, I just don't know what it is. I just can't put my finger on it. Baby, that's called hypervigilance. If you don't have anything concrete that you can say, they did X, Y, and Z, and it made me feel X, Y, and Z, then you are now creating narratives and stories to fit the core beliefs of, see, they're going to leave me. I knew I couldn't trust anybody. I knew they didn't want me. Investigate, get curious. And start to actually listen to your fucking gut and to not to listen to your fears. A rough patch has a cause, incompatibility has a pattern. Right? Remember, you can go through hard things. Incompatibility is we want fundamentally different things and no amount of working through it changes it. You've done the work, you've sat with it, you've tried, and not knowing doesn't go away. That's your answer. And sometimes, I don't know why is the reason, right? You don't owe anyone a thesis on why you're not feeling it.

• 30:29Sabrina Zohar?

  Now, if you've been left, right? Did they communicate issues before ending it, or did they blindside you? If they blindsided, that's their inability to communicate, not your inability to be enough. Were there sides you ignored because you were in your own progression bias? Because sometimes we're so invested in the fucking relationship, working, that we miss the other person checking out. And I know the hardest question to ask is, were you in love with them or in love with how they made you feel about yourself? Sometimes being left reveals what we were really attached to, and it wasn't the person. It was just the security that they offered, the idea of that. The avoidant person who uses like, it's not it, is an exit strategy versus the person who genuinely knows. We want to start to look at, is this because? Like, I've had that, where I had a guy that I dated. And he kept saying, I just, I'm not feeling what I should feel, I'm not feeling what I should feel. And we spoke a couple of years later, and he was like,

• 31:13Sabrina Zohar?

  "I tend to date avoidant people, and I wasn't feeling the spark and all of that excitement because you were really fucking healthy and I didn't know what to do with it." And that's a reality. You could do all the healing and the work and do all of this and still not be in connection with somebody. That doesn't mean that what you did was wrong, that just means that this person might not have matched that. That means that maybe this person has not met you there. And we also have to look too, a lot of people were like, but we never fought. That might mean that neither of you felt safe enough to be honest. And if someone can't have the hard conversations with you, they definitely can't have the harder conversations into why they need to leave. So whether you need to have the hard conversation, or you need to survive the conversation, that's what actually matters. How do you do this with integrity?

• 31:56Sabrina Zohar?

  Don't manufacture a fight so it's easier to leave, that's super fucking cowardly and they deserve better. Don't slow fade, hoping they'll eventually get the hint, that's fucking cruel. Be honest about the fact that nothing is wrong. Name that you care about them and that this isn't about their worth. You don't have to over explain it to get into a fucking negotiation, the decision is made. They're allowed to be angry, they're allowed to be confused, you can allow- them to grieve, that's their right. You don't need to offer friendship. That's for your guilt, it's not for your healing. And if you've been left, you're allowed to ask questions, but know that the answers might not satisfy you. I just don't feel it as a complete answer. You don't have to accept it as fair, but you have to accept it as real. Don't beg, don't negotiate, not because you're too good for that, but because you can't convince someone to feel something. And trying will only make you worse.

• 32:37Sabrina Zohar?

  Take space, not we can still be friends space, you need time to rebuild yourself concept without them. I know the impulse to prove your worth to them is strong, but gotta redirect that energy towards proving your worth to you, baby. And it's so easy to get thrown back into that. But what are you going to do now on the other side? What are you, what are your choices? All right, babes, tool of the week. So a different exercise depending on which side you're on. Seven days, three questions, no editing. If you're the one considering leaving, every night for seven days, I want you to write the answer to these questions. Today, when I thought about my future with this person, I felt. Excited, sad, depressed, not enough. If I knew they would be completely fine without me, would I still stay? Yes or no?

• 33:21Sabrina Zohar?

  Start to get really honest with yourself. The version of me I want to become, does this relationship move me toward that or away from that person? After seven days, the pattern is your answer, and if it's consistent, I need you to trust it. If you're the one that was left, every night for seven days, write the answer to these three questions. One thing I did today that had nothing to do with them or the relationship. I went for a walk, I got coffee with a friend, I did a workout, I chose myself. Something I believe about myself that is true regardless of whether anyone chooses me. I'm fucking awesome. I know my worth and I know I'm deserving of only the best. And it's okay that this hurts, but that doesn't also mean that it's going to dictate who I am. And if this breakup is teaching me something about what I actually need, it might be that I need somebody that chooses me in the same way I choose them.

• 34:04Sabrina Zohar?

  That I need somebody that is in it with me in the trenches. So this is based on the self-concept clarity research. You're rebuilding your sense of self one day at a time, not by getting over it, but by getting back to you. And baby, I want you to remember, whether you're being left or leaving, you deserve to be in something where both people are all in, not where one is staying out of guilt and the other is staying because they don't think they can do better. You're just fear. And fear is going to keep you in shit way longer than you need to. I want to just recap quickly. If you're the one leaving, the most loving you can do is let them go, find someone who's sure about them. And if you're the one being left, baby, you weren't too much, you weren't too little, you weren't wrong, you just weren't the right fit. And that doesn't erase who you are. I know it can feel really tough, but I need you to hear me. You deserve love. You deserve someone that chooses you.

• 34:49Sabrina Zohar?

  And if this person isn't it, open the fucking door and let them out so they don't take up space for the person that is right for you. You are amazing as you are. And if this person can't see it, so be it. If I'm too much, go find less. Let them go so that you can also find the right person that would never, ever think about letting you go. Babies, send this to someone who might need it on both sides, right? If you're a friend that's still scared about leaving, or you have a friend that's ready to, that just got left, send it to them. I'm so grateful for you guys. Please don't forget to rate and review the show. Leave a comment. Let me know what you like, what you didn't. Let me know. Well, really, you can tell me what you didn't like, but just be nice about it. If you guys need more, everything's at sabrina zohar.com. You can join one of the courses, work one-on-one, you could get ad-free,

• 35:33Sabrina Zohar?

  or you could just be here and you could just be part of this community. And I'm so grateful for you. Thank you guys for being here. Thank you for supporting our sponsors and the show and doing all of the things that we build this community. I am just so grateful. And thank you for being here and allowing me to show up as me so I can allow you to show up as you. All right, babies, until next time.

• 36:02Speaker 04

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• 36:31Speaker 05

  Ugh, I hate Mondays.

• 36:33Speaker 06

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite?

• 36:34Speaker 05

  Uh, Taylor Hanson? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 36:40Speaker 07

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 36:42Speaker 05

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• 36:46Speaker 07

  Taylor Hanson? Nice.

• 36:48Speaker 06

  Try one.

• 36:49Speaker 07

  Mmm.

• 36:53Speaker 06

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.

• 36:56Speaker 06

  There's nothing like it.