Why You Haven't Healed From Your Break Up and How To Get Over Your Ex

Have you been struggling to get over your ex? Do you want to find healing after a painful breakup? Then this episode is for you. Today, Jay will talk about the complexities of heartbreak and grief, shedding light on the profound emotional and physiological effects of romantic loss. He unravels the intricate workings of the human brain's obsession with love, exploring the biological and psychological mechanisms triggered by heartbreak. There are different physiological changes that occur in the body during a breakup, illuminating the intensity of emotions experienced in the aftermath of romantic dissolution. Through poignant anecdotes and expert insights, Jay navigates through the stages of grief, offering a compassionate understanding of the rollercoaster of emotions that accompany loss. From denial to anger, bargaining to depression, and ultimately acceptance, Jay guides listeners through the transformative journey of healing and growth. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to overcome a breakup The physical manifestations of a heartbreak The different stages of grief Whether you're in the midst of a breakup or seeking to support a loved one through their journey of healing, this episode offers invaluable insights to help you navigate the path forward with grace and resilience. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:19 What Happens When Someone Breaks Our Heart? 03:54 The Human Brain Is Obsessed with Love 04:55 What Happens in the Body During a Breakup? 09:36 Why Breakups Are Comparable to Addiction Withdrawal 11:36 The Rage Room 13:58 The FIve Stage of Grief 16:38 THe First Stage - Denial 20:42 The Second Stage - Anger 23:03 The Third Stage - Bargaining 25:37 The Fourth Stage - Depression 27:33 The Final Stage - Acceptance 29:02 This is the Best Way to Describe Grief See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on.

• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more present and self-aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to actually be mindful in your day-to-day life. That's where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you build positive habits, shift your self-talk, reframe your negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life.

• 3:42Jay Shetty?

  So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out my seven-minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com/jay. That's C-A-L-M dot com forward slash J-A-Y for 40% off. Calm your mind, change your life. I think it's so easy when you're going for a breakup to be like, I'm going crazy, I'm going mad, but you're not. There are good days and bad days, and that's okay. I'm going closer to the good days. I'm recognizing my worth, I'm working with a therapist, I'm working with a coach, I'm working on my self-worth.

• 4:32Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, if you've been leaving reviews, it means the world to me. There have been some incredible reviews recently and I want you to know how much I value, how much I appreciate the beautiful testimonies that you've left about the show, how it's impacted you. And I will be posting some on my Instagram. So if you haven't left a review yet, please go and do it. It makes a huge difference to us as podcasters. Please subscribe to the show. Make sure you've followed

• 5:14Jay Shetty?

  as well. Again, it makes a huge difference to us as we're building our community. And I know so many of you, whether it's the first time you're listening, or whether it's the thousandth time you're listening, I deeply appreciate you being here. Now, this episode came about because I've met so many people in the last week who've come up to me and said things like, Jay, when I was going through a tough breakup, I turned to your book, Eight Rules of Love, or your podcast, On Purpose. Or I've met so many people who tell me that their friend is going through a really tough divorce. And I've even met people who've talked to me about a recent breakup they went through, and how deeply it's affected

• 5:57Jay Shetty?

  their self-worth and their self-esteem. Now, if you've gone through a breakup and know that you haven't healed yet, this episode's for you. If you're going through a breakup right now, this episode's for you. And if your friend's going through a breakup right now, this is the episode to send them. And if you've ever been broken up with, or even if you've broken up with someone, and you want to know how it affects them, what they go through, why they have acted irrationally in the past. Maybe you've let someone go for the right reasons, but their reaction hasn't been rational. This episode will help explain what's happening in our brains, what's happening in our minds, and why we behave the way we

• 6:41Jay Shetty?

  do when someone breaks our heart. Or when you break someone's heart. And I want to start off by just saying that as I dive into this, feel free to take notes, take a screenshot of the moment that impacted you and share on Instagram and TikTok. What are the parts that really truly stay with you? Now, the first thing I want to start off with is this idea that the human brain absolutely loves love. The human brain is obsessed with love. It's why we're always seeking it. It's why we're always after it. Right? If you came to my live show, I started off the show by letting you know

• 7:22Jay Shetty?

  that the number one thing Googled when you type in, will I ever? The first thing that comes up is will I ever find love? It's the most Google question for will I ever about the future? Our biggest worry, our biggest anxiety is will I ever find love? That's how big it is. And so the human brain loves love. That's because when we experience love, it releases dopamine and it releases oxytocin. So that strong release creates this feeling that we want to crave, that we want to experience, that we want in our lives. But let's think about what happens when the opposite occurs. When there's a breakup,

• 8:05Jay Shetty?

  the brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone and epinephrine. Studies show that breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction. Losing a relationship can throw you into a type of withdrawal, which is why it's hard to function. You ache for your ex, sometimes literally, and you can't get them out of your head. This is like an addiction, but the good news is we can also overcome this. So you're seeing that on one side, when we're experiencing love, dopamine and oxytocin, the chemicals that we want to feel, and then cortisol, even though stress can be a great thing in the beginning of a relationship, we feel that excitement. The levels of cortisol when we go through a breakup

• 8:50Jay Shetty?

  are high and very difficult to deal with. Too much cortisol in the brain, studies show, sends blood to the major muscle groups. What happens is those muscles think that they're about to fight a threat. So they go into that fight or flight mode. But the problem is, when you're being broken up with, there is no physical fight, right? The muscles don't need that energy. And there's nowhere to express that energy, but that may be why we feel like hitting people sometimes, right? We've all seen movies where you wanna throw the dart at the face of that person on the picture, or you wanna throw rocks at them, or maybe you wanna punch them in the face, right? That feeling comes from that fight or flight mode.

• 9:35Jay Shetty?

  But because there's nowhere to give that energy, to release that energy, right? Sometimes you wanna, you know, movies give us lots of ideas. You wanna scratch their car, you wanna do all these things. But because most of us don't do those things, what ends up happening is that that energy stays within our body. This is what causes headaches. This is what causes, you know, pain in our neck and our back. And this is often why we feel so tight chested and so heavy in our chest. And so it's really interesting to me how even that aggression, we start thinking sometimes, oh my gosh, I'm so aggressive. Oh my God, they're so angry. And really what's happening is that cortisol level

• 10:17Jay Shetty?

  is creating this desire for a physical altercation. But because most of us control that sensation, the body keeps the score, as that great book is titled, "The Body Keeps the Score." And a lot of the time, that tight chestedness, that feeling of being squeezed, that feeling of being under stress, keeps it in their body. Now, what ends up happening is to ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply, cortisol diverts blood away from the digestive system. This is what causes everything from digestive issues, cramps, stomach pain, stress in our gut. And this, of course, can lead to appetite loss or diarrhea,

• 11:01Jay Shetty?

  or even cravings. Just think about this for a second. When was the last time when you were broken up with and it led to bad food decisions? When it led to you not feeling so great inside? And so you can see that these aren't just irrational triggers. This isn't because you're weak. It's actually a chemical reason as to why we behave this way. Then, when the stress hormones are really accelerated, the immune system can struggle, which of course makes us more prone to getting sick. And that's why there's the often thing known as the breakup cold, or why our immune system takes a hit. And one of the biggest things that happens here

• 11:45Jay Shetty?

  is that with that steady release of cortisol, it starts to impact the quality of our sleep. It starts to impact our ability to make healthy decisions and choices. This is why we start thinking, do I text them? Do I message them? Do I stalk them on social media? Do I comment on their last post? Do I ask my friend, what are they up to? What are they doing? Right, it can often make us really irrational. It can make us really do things that are out of character. And I think, again, we've all experienced this, either as the recipient or as the person who does it. And I think we often look back at ourselves and we think, God, why did I do that? I'm the worst, I'm so crazy. Or we think, oh, that person's gone crazy. Why are they acting that way?

• 12:30Jay Shetty?

  But we can see that cortisol and epinephrine can have this impact on us mentally and emotionally. And we can see why we start to act out a while out because of this. Now, I'm painting this picture for us to empathize with someone going through a breakup. Because even if your friend's going through a breakup, you're often thinking, well, just get over it. Right, what's the big deal? Like, they weren't good for you anyway. Right, how many of us have said that to our friends? They're not good enough for you. Why are you giving them so much energy? How are you still thinking about them? You should be over this by now. Right, and it becomes a normal part of the conversation we have with our friends who are being deeply affected by a breakup.

• 13:15Jay Shetty?

  The point I'm trying to get across to you is that breakups are tough. They're chemically difficult, they're emotionally challenging, and they're soulfully troubling. And the reason is because some other studies show that when you break up with someone, you're almost experiencing what it feels like to detox from drugs. We get that craving feeling of wanting them back in our life. We think, how can I live without them? This is the same thing an addict feels when a drug that they're addicted to is removed from their daily consumption. Now that we're not daily talking to this individual,

• 13:58Jay Shetty?

  now that we're not starting our day with their text, now that we're not speaking to them every night, now that we're not seeing them, now that we're not feeling that sense of physical touch. All of these things act as an addict going through a detox process. So it's really easy to make it feel like a breakup is just an emotional and mental feeling, but it is in fact a chemical feeling. But here's the good news. The good news is despite the rising cortisol, despite the rise in epinephrine, despite our muscles holding on to that emotion because that emotion has nowhere to go, there are ways to.

• 14:44Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

• 15:27Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated, calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified,

• 16:12Jay Shetty?

  where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation, and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision-making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions.

• 16:57Jay Shetty?

  Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. Solve it. Now, some of the more quick, immediate ways to solve it, because we have that desire for a physical release. And this is why often people say, if you're going through a breakup, it's important to work out, it's important to move around. But when we hear that, we think, I don't want to work out right now, I just want to stay in bed. It's why there's something called the rage room that exists. And it may be called something different in your city.

• 17:40Jay Shetty?

  I remember I went with Rudi a few years ago, we made a YouTube video about it. We went to this place in LA called The Rage Room. It's a room where you get given a baseball bat, goggles and some overalls. And you break things, old things, you break old computers, old fax machines. You break bottles, you break all these things. Now, what's really interesting is me and Riley went in to see if it was fun. We walked in unstressed, but we walked out very stressed, which was a really interesting experiment. We found that when we went to do something destructive, when we didn't feel upset, we walked out more stressed. And when we asked the person who worked there why that was, they said, well, you're meant to come in here

• 18:23Jay Shetty?

  when you are stressed in order to release it. So again, don't go to it unless you're feeling that desire. I just wanna punch them in the face and just, you know, I'm so mad, I'm so angry. It's important to release that rage. And this is one of the biggest mistakes we make. We think that rage makes us bad. We think that the rage is not useful, but it is a feeling that needs to be released in a controlled, safe environment. Some people like to burn old things, old pictures, whatever it may be. Again, this is a sign of us wanting to release that rage, right? That feeling in our body of the cortisol that's brought about that fight or flight.

• 19:07Jay Shetty?

  And we don't have the ability to fight. But what we have to understand is our biggest mistake when we're trying to heal is we don't allow ourselves to feel these things. We also want to go from hurting to being fully healed. We don't want to go through a process. So we're hoping that one day we're gonna wake up and this thing that we're feeling is just going to disappear. That's not how it works. We have to understand that there's levels to our healing. And what we have to do is focus on getting to the next level, not the complete level. Right? It's almost like saying you're playing a game and you wanna finish the game

• 19:51Jay Shetty?

  without going through all the levels. You wanna get to the end game without going through each of the segments and sections. So the three phases in our language are reeling, feeling and healing. Right? In the beginning, you're reeling, you're shocked, you're surprised, you can't believe it. Then we have to allow ourselves to feel, and then the healing process starts. Now, something known as the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief shows the more clear steps of what you're going to experience. And the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief was first developed for people who were unwell or diagnosed with a illness.

• 20:36Jay Shetty?

  But later, they actually got likened for someone who is dealing with grief, when someone would lose someone they love. Now, here's the interesting thing. We've realized now, today, that loss doesn't just mean death, right? It means the end of a relationship. So, loss doesn't just mean you lost someone because they're no longer here. You can even have the loss of a person you once knew. You can have a loss of an identity you once had, being this person's partner. You have a loss of the idea of the future you wanted. You have a loss of the idea of who you thought someone was. These are all types of grief, right?

• 21:21Jay Shetty?

  Grief isn't just, "I lost them, they're no longer in my life." Grief also is the loss of a life we thought we were creating. The loss of the marriage we imagined with this individual. The more deeply we imagined and envisioned, the deeper that grief is experienced. Just because you didn't have the life experience doesn't mean you don't have the grief experience. Because the grief experience is mental and emotional more than it is physical. And so often, we underplay someone's grief because we think, "Oh, they never..." You know, "Come on, you weren't even together for that long.

• 22:06Jay Shetty?

  Why are you overreacting?" But they're not. Because for them, they were together, in their head, in their mind, they'd made commitments. So, the Kubler-Ross model has these stages. The first stage is denial. We are in denial. "Oh, they'll come back. I know I'll get them back." "They're just going through a rough time." "You know, they're gonna miss me." There's a sense of denial, right? It makes you pretend a little bit, or it allows you to get used to the fact that something's happening, but very slowly. It's okay to feel denial. I think often when someone's in denial, we say, "No, no, no, don't be in denial. Come on, they're not coming back.

• 22:50Jay Shetty?

  Just be honest with yourself." The point is, it's a phase we need to go through, because what your mind is doing, is it's slowly making you okay with the reality. Right? If you immediately accept it that your new reality was this person's gone, that may be so emotionally painful that the mind almost drip feeds you that information. So the mind says, "Let's go into denial first. Let's pretend like it's not happening. Nothing's changed. Everything's okay. It's just that kind of a moment." So denying gives you time to gradually process what is happening. And this is a common way

• 23:35Jay Shetty?

  in which we protect ourselves. And what it does is it allows us to create a defense to the pain that we'd feel if we allowed it to all happen at once. And as we experience denial, slowly, slowly, slowly, we start to rise to recognizing that may not be the case. And again, when we see people in denial, we're often like, "Come on, stop being in denial. They're gone. Wake up." But actually, they can't emotionally accept that. They can't emotionally allow themselves to feel that, because it would be too painful. And I think when we feel forced

• 24:20Jay Shetty?

  to experience something, we know what that feels like. Like, you can't do it. You're like, "I physically can't allow myself to feel that, because I'll break." Right? That's how they feel. "I physically can't allow myself to feel that way, because I have no idea what that's gonna lead to." And I think this is one of the reasons why we can't rush the people in our life to feel something they're not ready to feel yet, knowing and trusting that they will get there. And you may say, "Well, I told you so," but that isn't how it works. I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there.

• 25:00Jay Shetty?

  And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this. Radee and I poured our hearts into creating Juni Sparkling Tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body and with every sip, you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality, and a burst of brightness to your day. Juni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances that act like superheroes for your body to help you adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life. Our Super 5 blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, ashwagandha, acerola cherry, and lion's mane mushroom, and these may help boost your metabolism,

• 25:45Jay Shetty?

  give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function. Even better, Juni has zero sugar and only 5 calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit drinkjuni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code ONPURPOSE to receive 15% off your first order. That's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code ONPURPOSE. Now, the second stage of the Kubla Ross model is anger.

• 26:28Jay Shetty?

  Think Scissor Kill Bill, right? I was just at the Grammys, which I was really lucky and happy to go to, and Scissor performed, and of course she performed Kill Bill. And I know you all know the lyrics, but it's exactly that, right? "I might kill my ex, not the best idea. His new girlfriend's next, how'd I get here?" Right? But it's like, that's very real. Right, that anger you experience is real. I might kill my ex, I still love him though, rather be in jail than alone. Right, when you just hear those lyrics, it's like, you know what that's felt like. Right, you know what that's felt like.

• 27:11Jay Shetty?

  And it goes back to that fight or flight feeling that I was speaking about before. And I think what's really, really hard about the anger phase is that there isn't an outlet. Right, there is that feeling. And of course, you know, the lyrics go, I got me a therapist to tell me that there's other men. And I don't want none, I just want you. And if I can't have you, no one should. Right, and so that lyric is actually the reality of the complexity of that situation. SZA absolutely nailed it, right? It's such a great definition and explanation of the emotions that are felt

• 27:55Jay Shetty?

  while the chemicals are happening in the background. And it's such a challenging state, as I said, because there isn't an outlet for that anger. There isn't an outlet for that pain. And this is why some people have a burn list. Or I remember I interviewed Nessa on the podcast. She had a burn box on stage where people would bring something to burn that they wanted to leave behind and let go. And it's why those external rituals and practices are sometimes needed and necessary because we need a way to release that anger. Often it comes out talking to our friends and then our friends get tired of it. We talk to our therapist about it.

• 28:38Jay Shetty?

  But it's almost like a physical feeling and a physical emotion that needs to be released. The third stage of the Kubler-Ross model is called bargaining. Now, this stage is where you start to feel a bit helpless and a bit hopeless. And you're trying to find ways to regain control. So you say things like, if only I had more time with him, he would have stayed. If only I didn't work as hard, they would be here right now. If only, if only, if only, I wish I did more of X. I wish I didn't do.

• 29:23Jay Shetty?

  Why? I wish, I wish, I wish. And this is the experience that we have of we're bargaining with ourselves. We're trying to say, okay, now I need to take responsibility. Right, I've denied that it's happening. Now I've been angry at them. And now I'm almost going inward and turning that anger at myself as to I could have done better. I should have done better. I would have done better. So we talked about denial, you just have to feel. You have to allow that person to feel they're coming back. It's gonna come around, even though you know it's not. And you allow yourself to feel that as well.

• 30:05Jay Shetty?

  Because when you fight the denial, or you try and force yourself forward, it's like you're trying to skip a level of a game. But you can't actually skip it because there's vital lessons for you to learn in that part of the game. And the vital lesson there, even if you don't want it, is they're not coming back. And my brain can't process everything at once. So I have to allow my brain to process it gradually. With anger, like I said, you do want to find a physical way to let it out. You do want to find a nonviolent, non-aggressive, non-direct way. Whether it's the rage room, whether it's the burn list, therapy, of course, I recommend above all of these.

• 30:45Jay Shetty?

  But, but there is a need to explore that anger without exploding onto someone else or hurting yourself. Right, violence is never needed, never the answer. Any sort of damage to someone else's property, anything is never the answer, not needed. But we need a safe, controlled way to explore that. Therapy is of course, a great way. Friends is a fantastic way. And then a safe, physical way as well, that is not harmful to oneself, is, is something that people are using. Now, the fourth step of the Kubler-Ross model is depression. What's really interesting is that anger and bargaining are more proactive.

• 31:27Jay Shetty?

  And they're kind of like you're doing something about it, right? There's a feeling of I need to take action. Whereas depression, of course, is far more of a passive and experienced things. And earlier on, you're like, kind of not letting yourself feel this way. But now you've kind of... Dealing with them, but it's bringing you down, right? And this is what makes you want to go into isolation, which is not unhealthy, but not fully healthy. You want to stay connected to people that love you and care for you. You want to stay grounded. Again, with all of this, I would recommend the help of a therapist. I would recommend the help of friends to help you to understand all of this.

• 32:10Jay Shetty?

  And this may feel where you feel really heavy, you feel overwhelmed, you feel exhausted, because now you're processing all those emotions that you initially denied. The denial has led to depression, right? Denial is you're saying, "It's not real," and depression is saying, "Gosh, I know it's real." And this can sometimes be the longest stage, because the questions we're asking are, "Will anyone ever love me?" Or, "Am I lovable?" Right? These are big questions. You start asking these root questions. Now it's not about them, it's about you. And this is where therapy can be so powerful, where coaching can be so powerful, because we need to learn to rebuild that inner self-esteem.

• 32:55Jay Shetty?

  But now at least we're focusing on ourselves, right? That's the key tip in depression. When you're experiencing that, it's now saying, "Okay, I'm going to rebuild myself. I'm going to start from scratch again, and I'm going to focus on, 'Will anyone ever love me? Am I lovable? Let me focus on that. Let me build from that.'" And the fifth and final stage is acceptance. Now, acceptance is not like a happy or good feeling, but it means that you're accepting that the relationship is over. You're accepting that you both had responsibility, but you're accepting that you're on the right path, that you've learned from this.

• 33:36Jay Shetty?

  You've gone through something huge in your life, but you're starting to realize that you've learned valuable lessons.

• 33:44Jay Shetty?

  That are powerful. So you may say things to yourself like, it was right, but it still hurts. It's good that it's ended, but it still causes me pain. This acceptance is that oscillating place of, I know it was right. I get why it had to happen, but that doesn't mean I don't feel pain. Now, the reason I'm walking you through these five stages is all of a sudden you start to go, I'm not mad, I'm not crazy, oh, I'm not delusional. This is natural. And what your friends are feeling is natural. I think it's so easy when you're going for a breakup to be like, I'm going crazy. I'm going mad, but you're not. I'm sure you've experienced all of these stages. And acceptance is accepting, I'm not mad, I'm not crazy. This is what had to happen.

• 34:29Jay Shetty?

  And there are good days and bad days, and that's okay. I'm going closer to the good days. I'm recognizing my worth. I'm working with a therapist. I'm working with a coach. I'm working on my self-worth. I want to end by sharing with you a beautiful poem and piece called "The Stone" that was written by Jessica Watson. So I'm reading from Jessica Watson. Listen to this. Jessica said that the best way she can describe grief is by carrying a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it, you always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves,

• 35:14Jay Shetty?

  the smooth edges might barely graze your body. Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound, but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone. Or if they do, they don't realize it can still bring this much pain. There are days you are simply happy now. Smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren't sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts. Once in a while, you can't take your hand off that stone.

• 35:57Jay Shetty?

  You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm, and are so preoccupied by its weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone, but you just can't. You want to take a nap, but it's been so many years since you've called in sad. You're not sure anyone would understand anymore, or if they ever did. But most days, you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone, and even smile at its unwavering presence. You've accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying "mine", as children do. You rest more peacefully than you once did.

• 36:40Jay Shetty?

  You've learned to move forward the best you can. Some days, you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you're holding. But most days, you twirl it through your fingers, and smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you're living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again. I love that piece by Jessica Watson. I hope you'll remember it and read it and listen to it again and again. "The Stone" by Jessica Watson. And the last thing I'll leave you with is this understanding that the stone doesn't get smaller, but you get bigger. You get stronger. And that makes it feel smaller.

• 37:24Jay Shetty?

  The real path to healing is becoming the best version of yourself. When you become the best version of yourself, the parts of yourself that are affected by that weakness and weight start to become lighter, and brighter, and easier. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. I hope you'll share this with a friend. I hope you'll pass it along to someone in your life who's struggling with any type of grief. And I hope that this has benefited you deeply and I'm sending you so much love. Thank you for listening. See you soon. If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and peaceful life.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company tore me of the explosion on our rig. On October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  What would happen if I stopped going? You start, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 38:42Speaker 02

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 38:45Speaker 03

  I'm not the first then.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not admitted without parent.