YMH LIVE Is Back! w/ Matt Fulchiron | Your Mom's House Ep. 799

YMH Live is back and better than ever! We're going all out for our tenth live show, tickets go on sale tomorrow (2/26) at 7am CT on ymhstudios.com. Touch our camera through the fence, chomos! SPONSORS: Go to https://shopify.com/momshouse to upgrade your selling today. Protect your online privacy TODAY by visiting https://ExpressVPN.com/ymh. Visit https://RedwoodOutdoors.com and use code YMH to save $175. Get 15% off at https://truewerk.com/ymh. Pull those jeans up over your head! It’s another episode of YMH with Tom Segura and Christina P! This week the Main Mommies announce the triumphant return of YMH LIVE, a show that'll feature guests stars, original shorts, and a massive giveaway to one lucky fan. Before all that, Tom shares his thoughts on some documentaries about historical goofballs Hitler and Saddam Hussein. These guys always manage to stay relevant despite having been dead for so long. Tom then open the show with a clip of a cool white dude saying a word he probably shouldn't be saying with incredible confidence. Tom also brings up a P Diddy doc and the twosome also watch some 'Appy Burfday drive-thru videos. Momma and Poppa Jeans are next joined by actor/comedian Matt Fulchiron, who's no stranger to hearing people say his name wrong or even saying somebody else's name wrong for that matter. The trio also discuss some personal comedy show fails, OnlyFans, dumb prank videos, and Christina's fascination with an old TLC show called "My Husbands Not Gay". They also check out some horrible or hilarious clips and talk about fat people in ride shares. Your Mom’s House Ep. 799 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinap.com/ https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Open to legal residents of the 50 U. S./D. C., age 18+ (19+ in AL and NE, 21+ in MS). Void outside 50 U. S./D. C. and where prohibited. Sweepstakes starts 2/26/25 and ends 7:30pm CT on 3/7/25. Two ways to enter: (1) visit livestream.ymhstudios.com, purchase a ticket to attend Tenth YMH Live Show airing 3/7/25, follow link on confirmation screen, and complete and submit a survey with all required information, or (2) enter for free by visiting YMHStudios.com/YMHLiveX and complete and submit a survey with all required information. By entering you agree to receive periodic marketing emails from Sponsor and may unsubscribe at any time. ARV of one prize: $10,000. For full Official Rules: YMHStudios.com/YMHLiveX. Sponsor: John John Productions LLC, 2049 Century Park East, Suite 1400, Los Angeles, CA 90067. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:03 - Some Goofballs & Knuckleheads 00:15:41 - Opening Clip: Big Word, What? 00:21:16 - YMH LIVE X 00:24:57 - More 'Appy Burfdays 00:30:51 - Puff Daddy Doc 00:37:14 - Clip: Whistler Feeling Alright 00:39:21 - Comedy Show Fails 00:49:12 - Tour Dates & OnlyFans 00:53:09 - Clip: Dad Pranks 00:56:09 - Clip: Crow Wife Scares Her Husband 00:58:22 - Clip: Morning Rub 01:00:03 - My Husbands Not Gay 01:06:05 - Clip: Pissfluencers 01:06:50 - Back To The Gay Husband Show 01:10:52 - Too Fat For Waymo 01:15:19 - Hit And Run 01:21:34 - Horrible Or Hilarious 01:29:23 - Clip: Fat Person Grocery Haul 01:30:40 - Clip: Down For Some Me Time 01:31:24 - Clip: Fart Hard 01:32:21 - Closing Song -"I Know I'm White" by Bruce Kristner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  I've been looking forward to this for a long time. Not everybody could do this.

• 0:05Tom Segura?

  We're thankful for you for being a viewer, a supporter of the show.

• 0:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's been a long transformation. Without you, our jeans are low and loose.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  And if she let me eat her booty, yeah, I'mma eat her booty.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Your mom's house live, bitch.

• 0:27Tom Segura?

  YMA's live is so exciting. This is our first one in a while. This is a big, big episode.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  I loved you.

• 0:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 0:42Speaker 00

  I don't anymore.

• 0:48Speaker 00

  Welcome, welcome to Your Mom's House.

• 0:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mi-hao.

• 1:00Tom Segura?

  What's everybody? Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.

• 1:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  What's everybody? You got me saying it now.

• 1:06Tom Segura?

  Everybody likes it, man.

• 1:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's really taken up.

• 1:08Tom Segura?

  People were shouting it to me at the shows I was doing. They're like, what's everybody?

• 1:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  By the way, we just had your Austin arena show sold out.

• 1:16Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that was awesome.

• 1:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  We're all still glowing from that amazing show.

• 1:21Tom Segura?

  It was a fun night.

• 1:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was spectacular, Tommy Salami. Everybody I spoke to had the best time. You were so relaxed up there. You were so happy. I mean, your jokes were just amaze. If you guys haven't seen Tommy's new hour, get your life, go see him. Cause it's, I think this is your best one yet.

• 1:39Tom Segura?

  I have, I'm having a lot of fun doing it. The shows have been just like, it's just so much fun. And to do it in Austin, you know, you just, you didn't know. It's my adopted, our adopted hometown now is where we live. So to be able to, you know, sleep in your bed at night and then go down, do the big arena in town and have it be just jam packed. And had so many friends and family there. I mean, you were there, Charo was there.

• 2:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:05Tom Segura?

  My sister was there. My cousins were there. I had a ton of people there. The whole staff came to the show. It was really fun.

• 2:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 2:14Tom Segura?

  And we had a little after party. It was a really good time.

• 2:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I didn't go to that. I ditched.

• 2:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but you hung out. You were hanging out though.

• 2:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I loved seeing you. I haven't watched you do this hour.

• 2:23Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 2:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  And. Just so people know, if they haven't seen it, I'm just gonna say there's some shit talking about me.

• 2:31Tom Segura?

  I mean, just the

• 2:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you

• 2:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, the best part about me watching your set

• 2:37Tom Segura?

  Mm-hmm.

• 2:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is that people like to watch my reaction.

• 2:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  When you talk about me, which is why I hide backstage and I sit in the video village.

• 2:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 2:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cause I don't want people seeing my face. Cause I, I've, I mean, you guys have to see what he says. It's pretty, pretty gnarly. Um.

• 2:53Tom Segura?

  No, I know.

• 2:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's pretty gnarly.

• 2:54Tom Segura?

  You're referencing because on the last tour, when you, you came to London.

• 2:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my gosh.

• 2:59Tom Segura?

  And I talked about you, you said that all the lads were like, oi, hey, hey, he's talking about, yeah, ain't they?

• 3:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everything you'd say, they, I was sitting behind a bunch of lads and they turned around and go, oh, and I'm like, no dude.

• 3:13Tom Segura?

  Y'all the baddies talking about?

• 3:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 3:15Tom Segura?

  But this time.

• 3:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oi, governor.

• 3:17Tom Segura?

  This time you sat in video village.

• 3:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hit.

• 3:19Tom Segura?

  And, but you still had people.

• 3:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, Kirk was sitting next to me, Kirk Fox, your opener, Brian Simpson, and Kirk was like, have you heard this yet? And I was like, no, I've been, you know, hiding in the house for the last few months. And, uh, and he just was like, like, I could tell he wasn't sure if I was gonna be a wife about things, or if I was gonna be a comic about things.

• 3:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, but you're a comic.

• 3:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm always a comic first about things like that. Um, but yeah, it's, it's pretty crazy what you're talking about this hour. And it's also very, um, sweet to hear stories about our kids and.

• 3:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 3:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a well-rounded set, very well-rounded hour.

• 3:53Tom Segura?

  I like try to have a balance between, you know, family, Hitler.

• 3:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes.

• 4:00Tom Segura?

  Sex.

• 4:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Lot of Hitler talk.

• 4:03Tom Segura?

  Society.

• 4:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  But when is Hitler not fun to talk about?

• 4:06Tom Segura?

  I mean, the guy just keeps delivering. He's been gone for a long time, but he keeps staying in the fucking zeitgeist. You know, he's just there.

• 4:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, because they keep, they keep colorizing the footage.

• 4:19Tom Segura?

  All of a sudden you're like, I've only seen this guy in black and white.

• 4:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 4:21Tom Segura?

  I wanna see, are you in color now?

• 4:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 4:24Tom Segura?

  I'll watch this whole documentary series. Yeah.

• 4:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. And then they rope us back into Hitler stuff.

• 4:28Tom Segura?

  They're like, guess what we did? We modified the audio. You can hear his, I gotta hear the guy's real voice. This is incredible.

• 4:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, oh, Hitler had a pet. What kind of pets did he have? Now I gotta know about his dog.

• 4:38Tom Segura?

  He's got, hey, guess what? We exposed a new roll of film. I'd love to see all the photos.

• 4:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  But he's never not interesting. Why aren't we this interested in Stalin?

• 4:48Tom Segura?

  And you know.

• 4:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why not Saddam Hussein? Why not any other?

• 4:51Tom Segura?

  I watched some Saddam stuff this weekend.

• 4:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, is he as interesting and intriguing as Hitler?

• 4:56Tom Segura?

  Saddam, he's a real, he's a real interesting guy. And he was, he was a bit of a knucklehead.

• 5:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is he as dynamic as Hitler?

• 5:05Tom Segura?

  He, you know, he, he, he had a peasant's upbringing.

• 5:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay.

• 5:09Tom Segura?

  And he came to power in seventy nine. I just watched stuff about him. He had this great, great first week in office. It's one of the most epic fucking gangster things I've ever seen. He called a general assembly. So everybody in the, in government had to come to this assembly. It was essentially in like a picture of big theater, okay? It's July in Iraq. It's fucking.

• 5:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  A little cozy.

• 5:36Tom Segura?

  A hundred and ten degrees, maybe warmer.

• 5:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 5:41Tom Segura?

  And there's no air conditioning. And they're all in this thing, they're all in suits. And they're like, yeah, yay Saddam. And he knew that some people were already trying to overthrow him.

• 5:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh oh.

• 5:52Tom Segura?

  So he stands up there, he lights a cigar.

• 5:57Tom Segura?

  He takes a few puffs and he's like, I'm gonna read some names from this piece of paper. If I read your name, I want you to stand up and recite the party slogan.

• 6:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ooh.

• 6:09Tom Segura?

  And then exit to the back of the theater. And so he just smokes his cigar, reads people's names. They stand up, they say the slogan, and then one guy's like, he's like, what did I do? Why, why'd you read my name? He doesn't answer him. He's just like, just recite the party slogan. And then just head to the back of the theater. And then everybody who he read, they were all walked out and executed. And then he was like, that's how we're gonna do things around here.

• 6:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 6:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, pretty soon he was, you know, he figured out how to kind of skim some money off the top of their.

• 6:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sure, they all do.

• 6:46Tom Segura?

  Oil sales and he was living a pretty plush life. The real thing that's interesting too is he had two sons. And one of them, I think the first born, Uday.

• 6:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they're cute. One of them's cute.

• 6:57Tom Segura?

  Was a real fucking.

• 7:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bring up Uday.

• 7:00Tom Segura?

  Psycho.

• 7:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. But I remember being attracted, I remember being sexually attracted to Uday.

• 7:06Tom Segura?

  To Uday?

• 7:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm pretty sure. We bring up Uday Hussein.

• 7:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  I thought he was cute at one point.

• 7:11Tom Segura?

  Well, maybe it's the other son, because there's two boys.

• 7:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what's the other guy's name?

• 7:14Tom Segura?

  Um, there's Uday and what was the other? His sibling, oh, Qusay, that guy.

• 7:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's see, because I had a crush on one of them at one time.

• 7:26Tom Segura?

  He seems more your... Hey, look, he's kind of handsome there on the farm, right?

• 7:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's not bad, it's not bad. It's not bad, it's cute.

• 7:32Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 7:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, so, see, I like that story you told. I'd like to see that reenacted in it.

• 7:37Tom Segura?

  Uday's a real ding dong, though. So what he was in charge of, they put him in charge of the Olympic Committee. Um, so all sports in Iraq. But guess how he got the best out of his athletes? He tortured them.

• 7:53Tom Segura?

  He tortured them and like threatened their families. He would have them murdered. He was, he was really, really psychotic. And to the point where Saddam one time, um, so Saddam had a party. And, um, Uday at the party shot three people with a shotgun and killed them. And so his dad was like, I am fucking done with this shit. You're being a real knucklehead.

• 8:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  You guys are grounded.

• 8:16Tom Segura?

  So Saddam burned Uday's cars as a punishment. Uday had like a bunch of fleet of cars.

• 8:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why don't we get to see more of these kinds of stories?

• 8:23Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying, these are good stories.

• 8:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hitler didn't even do this stuff.

• 8:26Tom Segura?

  Hitler's fucking tired as a topic.

• 8:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 8:29Tom Segura?

  We're got it already. Except for the, what I talk about.

• 8:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Um, yeah, they need to bring these cool stories, because I don't, I never recalled Hitler torturing Olympic athletes or torching his son's car. He didn't have kids.

• 8:41Tom Segura?

  No, he had a couple other things he did. I don't know how much you know about Hitler.

• 8:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 8:44Tom Segura?

  He was, um, he was not nice to some other people.

• 8:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Why, why just Hitler?

• 8:51Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 8:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  So many other people commit genocide, but we only hear about that guy.

• 8:54Tom Segura?

  I know. There's just, there's really a lot out there. There's like, this guy keeps getting all the top press and there's some other people that deserve press.

• 9:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do you think it's because he was so stylish, too? Like he had a really kind of like pronounced aesthetic. The uniforms were very dramatic. He had like marketing. He had a good marketing team.

• 9:15Tom Segura?

  Well, the other thing is that there was, there was clear. When you, when you look at like the story of Germany coming to power and what they were, what they were trying to do. It, there's, there's not a lot of times where you have a unified front against one. Like his, his mission was take over. Like we're gonna take, we're just gonna invade everyone. Take over Europe. So everybody got to go, you're, you're, you're evil. You're, you're just like invading people left and right. You know?

• 9:55Tom Segura?

  It was clear to have like, this is the enemy. A lot of times when there's other dictators in power, it doesn't register to everyone else.

• 10:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you know what it sounds like to me is that these other guys don't have a clear objective.

• 10:07Tom Segura?

  Or as big a plans.

• 10:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, like Hitler reached for the stars.

• 10:12Tom Segura?

  He did.

• 10:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  And.

• 10:13Tom Segura?

  And he, and by the way, he was, you know, he was hitting home runs.

• 10:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 10:17Tom Segura?

  Because he was like, we're gonna take Poland. They take Poland. We're going into France. They take.

• 10:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Done.

• 10:22Tom Segura?

  So he was, you know, it was.

• 10:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's getting shit done.

• 10:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 10:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's that German stuff, man. The Germans know how to get shit done. Efficiency, uh, planning, strategery, they know how to do all that shit.

• 10:33Tom Segura?

  I believe they just elected a new, um, leader who's a, I think far right leader. So maybe.

• 10:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cool.

• 10:40Tom Segura?

  Maybe some, you know?

• 10:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  We seem to, the world is going that way right now.

• 10:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that'd be pretty cool and see if he's like, you know, I have been inspired by some of our past leaders. I'll be at the Ford Center in Evansville, Indiana tomorrow on February 27th. There's only a few tickets left, so get them while you can. Then this Saturday, March 1st, I will be in Chicago at the United Center. Go get your tickets at tomsgar.com/tour.

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• 12:14Tom Segura?

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• 13:00Tom Segura?

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• 13:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think the Germans are a little sore about that topic. They're kind of like, they don't want to talk about it. It's so annoying. It's like all you want to talk about when you go to Germany and nobody wants to talk about it.

• 13:40Tom Segura?

  You're like, you're German, so what were Nazis like?

• 13:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 13:42Tom Segura?

  Was your dad a Nazi?

• 13:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was your grandpa in the party? Like, like my grandmother, who was, um, my father was born in Germany during World War II. And my, yeah, that's all Friedrich Maltz.

• 13:55Tom Segura?

  That's the new.

• 13:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, the Bundesstaat.

• 13:57Tom Segura?

  His party is Christina Democratic Union of Germany. That's.

• 14:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's a little too. It sounds a little too democratic.

• 14:05Tom Segura?

  The Christina Democratic Union of Germany.

• 14:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  But anyway, my grandma lived in that region at that time. You know what I'm saying? During the WW2 and the commies. And I endlessly would ask her about World War II. I'd be like, did you know what was going on? Like what they were doing to the Jews? And she was like, of course, everybody knew, we just ignored it.

• 14:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was like, cool. She didn't say that. She's had Hungarian accent. Everybody knew, we just ignored it. What, what should we do? Fight the Nazis? I'm like, I, I mean, I guess not. She's like, you could smell it. You could smell the bodies burning in the neighborhood. I'm like, pass the lemonade.

• 14:42Tom Segura?

  And I think that's a great.

• 14:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you guys bought my lipstick yet?

• 14:46Tom Segura?

  Oh yeah, that's a good transition. Go ahead, go ahead and plug your lipstick now. We're done with our Nazi tirade.

• 14:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  My sweet Nana wore the perfect red and I had it designed after her and her love of all things.

• 15:00Tom Segura?

  And her ignoring the execution of millions of people.

• 15:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, there you go. Also Berlin, named after.

• 15:07Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Headquarters.

• 15:08Tom Segura?

  Yeah, headquarters.

• 15:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, you can still see Hitler's bunker if you go to Berlin, East Berlin.

• 15:14Tom Segura?

  And if you wear Berlin in Berlin, double whammy.

• 15:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Atomic Red, that's for a different war.

• 15:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 15:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  And Madison, Wisconsin?

• 15:25Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 15:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's kinda liberal. I had to make it liberal. Anyway, bye now, ChristinaP.com. Get all four, why not, at the same time. Impress your lady.

• 15:32Tom Segura?

  Impress your lady.

• 15:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Impress your lady. Or if you're a handsome fellow, you wanna wear lipstick, go ahead.

• 15:38Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 15:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hitler wore lipstick.

• 15:41Tom Segura?

  Let's, uh, let's play the opening clip before we get to our big news. You ready?

• 15:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm ready.

• 15:45Tom Segura?

  Here we go.

• 15:47Speaker 03

  Birthday shout out, nigga what? Hey yo, Elia, word on the street is, it's your 16th birthday today, Pussy Lips. And speaking of Pussy Lips, what's up with your mama's fat ass purple pussy lips? Nigga what?

• 16:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 16:01Speaker 04

  Who is Ryan? He's a cool guy.

• 16:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was really nice.

• 16:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Jesus, Tom.

• 16:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mom's cigar.

• 16:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not nice.

• 16:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not nice.

• 16:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow, meow. That's not nice.

• 16:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow, meow.

• 16:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Meow meow meow meow meow.

• 16:55Speaker 03

  Nigga what?

• 16:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my gosh.

• 16:57Speaker 05

  Nigga my nice.

• 16:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, you're really on this creative thread now, eh?

• 17:04Tom Segura?

  Pretty good stuff.

• 17:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Hey, can you get this guy to do my next birthday shout out, too?

• 17:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Can we get his information? I would love.

• 17:12Speaker 05

  Absolutely.

• 17:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, please, let's, um, let's start sending some, you know, kinda video requests his way. He clearly is cool with saying anything, so that would be fun to see where we could take it.

• 17:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  But Tim, your birthday is next.

• 17:25Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it is.

• 17:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I think we should get one for Tim.

• 17:29Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 17:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, you're gonna be 42, nothing. Such a baby age.

• 17:34Tom Segura?

  How old will you be?

• 17:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, 28.

• 17:39Tom Segura?

  How old will you be soon?

• 17:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Eyes are droopy. Um, I'm gonna be a fucking forty nine, okay?

• 17:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 17:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 17:46Tom Segura?

  Isn't that exciting?

• 17:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ew, I just looked at my.

• 17:48Tom Segura?

  That means one more year and you hit wow, wow, wow.

• 17:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I can't believe it.

• 17:52Tom Segura?

  No.

• 17:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so, but can I talk to you for a second? Real talk?

• 17:56Tom Segura?

  Talk to me.

• 17:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know, Tom, since I had breast cancer, I'm just glad to be here. I used to fret about.

• 18:04Tom Segura?

  Age and nonsense.

• 18:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Looking old and I'm like, you know what, bro? Like, I'm still gonna try to look hot and stuff, but like, I'm just, I'm just, I am too blessed to be stressed. You know what I'm saying?

• 18:14Tom Segura?

  Yes, yes.

• 18:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm too blessed, hashtag.

• 18:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, there also comes a point, right? That like you just realize, what I mean, age, you're just, we all age, you're aging.

• 18:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:24Tom Segura?

  You're supposed to age.

• 18:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just part of the whole thing, bro.

• 18:27Tom Segura?

  Here's the thing, every generation, you just try to look better than your parents did at your age.

• 18:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  For sure, which I do.

• 18:33Tom Segura?

  Really the thing, yeah.

• 18:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which I do.

• 18:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 18:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  But my mom aged very well. Actually, my parents were kinda hot.

• 18:38Tom Segura?

  Yeah, they did age well, but still.

• 18:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did your parents? Well, your mom looks great.

• 18:42Tom Segura?

  She looks pretty good for an eighty year old lady.

• 18:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 18:44Tom Segura?

  My dad really threw in the towel, I think, at fifty. Yeah.

• 18:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  He really did. He really did.

• 18:51Tom Segura?

  Here's the funny thing, he was really, really active, um, up into his forties, very active.

• 18:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  And why the stop?

• 19:01Tom Segura?

  I don't know, I think he just, he hit that point of like, fuck it, at like,

• 19:07Tom Segura?

  fif- like, if you see him, if I show you photos of him in his thirties and even into his early forties, flat stomach, strong, weightlifting, like, just in shape, fit guy. And then, I re- I, what I can remember vividly is him being like fifty-five. So it would still be, for me to compare myself, I would have to, it would be like ten years from now. But when he was fifty-five, I was like, man, like, you really don't give a fuck, right? Like.

• 19:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  He didn't, I give a fuck.

• 19:39Tom Segura?

  Oh, fuck, he was like, oh, so.

• 19:43Tom Segura?

  Barbecue, pretty good. I'm like, god damn, dude, like, not at all, didn't give a shit.

• 19:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, I understand it because. As like, I stopped drinking alcohol.

• 19:54Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 19:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Because of cancer. Apparently it's a carcinogen.

• 19:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 19:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  My oncologist was like, look, even I don't drink alcohol.

• 20:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  The doctor, I advise you to stop. And I was like, great, done. So like, I don't drink alcohol anymore, which I really enjoyed. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. I'm on the Ozempies again. Whoop, whoop. So I'm not even really eating. It's like, I just have to train myself to enjoy, like, walking.

• 20:18Tom Segura?

  Well, I think the thing-

• 20:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking sucks.

• 20:19Tom Segura?

  For Top Dog was that his joy, his dopamine drip came from-

• 20:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Food.

• 20:26Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 20:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta have something.

• 20:28Tom Segura?

  You have to have some. And that was just for him, the thing that like, as he aged, he was even more into it. You know?

• 20:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 20:33Tom Segura?

  Because I think he, he just was like, you know, you'd see him light up at the idea of like meals and feel like, oh shit, let's go eat that. And then it was, yeah. And there was no counterbalance. No, like, I'll eat this way Friday. It was just like every day, you know?

• 20:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  No. Cause I allow myself to eat what I want on Sundays.

• 20:52Tom Segura?

  Mm hmm.

• 20:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm like, fuck it. That's my one day. I'll just do stuff and then I'll rein it in the next day. And that seems to be okay, but it is depressing to not have vices anymore.

• 21:02Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 21:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  It sucks. Well, I'm, I'm getting excited about doing puzzles now.

• 21:06Tom Segura?

  It's also part, that's the thing, we're getting older.

• 21:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck. I pet my cat. I got so stoked to be with the cat this morning. I was late.

• 21:12Tom Segura?

  So excited. I know.

• 21:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm petting the fucking cat. I buy, I buy sweaters.

• 21:16Tom Segura?

  This is, we should get into the big news here.

• 21:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 21:19Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 21:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ay yi yi!

• 21:21Tom Segura?

  So.

• 21:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow. Chips in a bowl.

• 21:28Tom Segura?

  If anything merits it, I think it's this, isn't it?

• 21:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  What about?

• 21:31Tom Segura?

  I know.

• 21:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is this my favorite sound? It's the sound of love, the cat eating kibble.

• 21:36Tom Segura?

  This means something amazing is gonna be told to you here in a moment.

• 21:42Speaker 00

  Your mom's house exclusive.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  You smelt it here first.

• 21:49Tom Segura?

  Well, it's time. We should just finally say it. We've been building it up. We've been teeing it up and now we get to tell you. YMH Live is back. It is YMH Live 10? Whoa!

• 22:04Tom Segura?

  It is coming to you live March 7th at 7:30 PM Central Time. That is 8:30 Eastern and that is 5:30 Pacific.

• 22:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pacific.

• 22:18Tom Segura?

  It is going to be our biggest one yet. We've got the great Dan Soder joining us in studio as our special guest. We have original, of course, brand new sketches and to celebrate our 10th live show, we are giving away $10,000 live on the show, on the live stream. Go to ymhstudios.com for more information and to grab your ticket. We will announce the winner live on the show right before the heavy segment. And of course, don't miss the exclusive VIP post-show hosted by Josh Potter. Everything is at ymhstudios.com. This is one that we have been putting months into to get ready. It's been all behind the

• 22:59Tom Segura?

  scenes, super secret, and now we get to announce it to you guys that these, the original sketches are a whole tier above anything we have ever done before. There's real, real production that's gone into all of this. And this is a group effort. When we do YMH Live, the whole team participates, meaning every single person that works here and even outside people. We have to outsource a bunch of things, but we love doing YMH Live. So this is number 10 and it's going to be our biggest one yet, March 7th. It's going to go down. So I hope you can join us. A reminder, because I get asked this every single time and I want people to know, you do not have to, like if you can't join live, March 7th at 7:30 PM, you

• 23:43Tom Segura?

  can still watch the show later on that night, the next day, three days later, the week after. So if you're not able to join live, just know that you can still watch the show. But if you can be there live, it's obviously fun to be in the moment. All right?

• 23:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, because you never know what's going to happen.

• 24:00Tom Segura?

  You just don't know what's going to happen.

• 24:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't know if we're going to say something crazy.

• 24:04Tom Segura?

  Or if you're going to see something crazy.

• 24:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 24:06Tom Segura?

  And of course, it'd be fun to be there, either watching or winning 10K also. That's pretty cool.

• 24:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the best, dude. I can't wait for these sketches. We filmed one last week that I've been thinking. I thought about it for days. It was so funny.

• 24:19Tom Segura?

  It's unbelievable.

• 24:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  It was so amazing.

• 24:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, we have cool guys. We have, we have a lot of special stuff in this one. We made also an original short story that...

• 24:32Tom Segura?

  I don't even know how to tee it up. It's um, it's high, high level production and it's, it's a really original fun story. And I would say that the motivation for it was my dad.

• 24:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, wow. Very cool.

• 24:43Tom Segura?

  Okay, that being said, um, some happy birthdays came in. We always like to check out happy birthdays.

• 24:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fantastic.

• 24:49Tom Segura?

  Would you like to see?

• 24:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm dying to see, especially because we're going to the UK pretty soon.

• 24:53Tom Segura?

  We are.

• 24:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta practice.

• 24:54Tom Segura?

  Bye. We'll be in the UK. We're gonna be in, uh, before the UK, we'll be in Ireland, we'll be in Belfast, then we're gonna go down and we'll be in, everywhere from Cardiff, Manchester, London.

• 25:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Manchester.

• 25:05Tom Segura?

  Um, I'm forgetting places, but.

• 25:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Bam. Going to Bam?

• 25:08Tom Segura?

  I don't remember.

• 25:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think going to Bam in a minute.

• 25:10Tom Segura?

  It's all at tomscuro.com/tour. Um, if you're over there, please come and see me. All right, here we go.

• 25:17Speaker 04

  Right, is that Hitler? Uh, um.

• 25:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Chick-fil-A?

• 25:20Speaker 04

  Uh, Charlie. Could I get the spicy chicken sandwich and the sucker souffle? Wait, you said spicy sandwich and what'd you say? Spicy chicken sandwich and, uh, uh, chocolate milkshake. Oh. Media fare? Uh, sure. Any sauce? Uh, Chick-fil-A's.

• 25:41Speaker 04

  How you doing today? Doing good. What else can I get for you? Uh, that's it. Twelve thirty-four. Appreciate ya.

• 25:49Speaker 04

  Four strokes for ya. Yes, sir. Thank you. Happy birthday. Thank you, thank you. Have a good one. All right, best meal of the day. That's for you, Hitler. Thank you. Happy birthday.

• 26:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's for you.

• 26:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow, that was really good.

• 26:09Tom Segura?

  That was really good. That was really good. You deserve a round of applause, sir.

• 26:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  He snuck so many things in there.

• 26:13Tom Segura?

  Charlie, yeah.

• 26:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wow.

• 26:15Tom Segura?

  Way to go, Charlie.

• 26:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  You crushed it, Charlie.

• 26:17Tom Segura?

  You got, you dropped two Hitlers in there and, um.

• 26:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Sucker souffle.

• 26:21Tom Segura?

  Four strokes for you and then that's like, like, black guys are always like, ah, that's right. Like, he didn't know what you said, but he still went with it. He's like, that's what I'm talking about.

• 26:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, they just roll with whatever crazy shit.

• 26:32Speaker 04

  Uh, sure. Any sauce?

• 26:33Tom Segura?

  When he says four strokes for you, watch, he's like, yeah, man. He doesn't know what he said.

• 26:39Speaker 04

  What else can I get for you? Uh, that's it. Twelve thirty-four. Appreciate ya.

• 26:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  What'd he say?

• 26:45Tom Segura?

  What?

• 26:45Speaker 04

  Four strokes for ya.

• 26:48Tom Segura?

  Yes, sir. Yeah. Four strokes for ya? Yes, sir.

• 26:55Tom Segura?

  He doesn't know what he said.

• 26:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  He don't care.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  Hello love.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  It's your birthday.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  No, I'm just saying. Right.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Great, amazing, thank you. Wish everybody in there happy birthday for me. Have a good one.

• 27:15Tom Segura?

  I'm so confused. I know, he's like, why would we do that? That doesn't make any sense.

• 27:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  White people need logic.

• 27:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 27:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  That guy before was like, just roll with it dude.

• 27:23Tom Segura?

  Is it your birthday? Nah, you know, thought it might be yours.

• 27:29Tom Segura?

  This year, I want to get leaner, I want to get stronger, I want to get tougher, I want to recover better. And to help elevate your wellness routine, you can meet our new sponsor, Redwood Outdoors, and experience the transformative benefits of contrast therapy with a sauna and cold plunge. Cleaner, healthier routines through a backyard sauna and cold plunge are an investment in longevity and vitality. They can help you share moments of peace and connect with loved ones, and not to mention the power of deeper detox, reduced inflammation, and glowing skin. A Redwood Outdoors backyard sauna seats two to eight and provides the ultimate in deep relaxation, reduced muscle tension, improved circulation, improved sleep, and so much more.

• 28:12Tom Segura?

  The back and forth of it is actually like a routine that you'll fall in love with. Yes, it'll challenge you, but you'll also love the back and forth of going from that cold, cold, cold, where you're reducing inflammation, to that super hot where you feel like just falling asleep. Enhance your physical and mental wellness routines with Redwood Outdoors. Take advantage of special savings today. Visit redwoodoutdoors.com, use the code YMH to save $175. That's redwoodoutdoors.com code YMH to save $175 on your order. Redwoodoutdoors.com, the code is YMH.

• 28:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  TruWork is hell-bent on creating the most technical, high-performance workwear in the world. The TruWork story begins in the Colorado mountains where a trade worker knew there had to be a better solution than the wet, heavy gear that was weighing him down. TruWork was born. What a special shirt they sent me. It's flannel, it is warm, it's cozy, and it looks fantastic. Every Truework product is engineered for maximum comfort, protection, and efficiency with minimum bulk or extra weight. Denim and cotton canvas haven't changed much for over 200 years.

• 29:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Truework upgrades traditional classics by using the same fabrics worn by elite outdoor athletes. Soft, stretchy, sweat-wicking Soft Shell work pants are a major upgrade over wet, heavy jeans. Wind- and waterproof shells use intelligently-placed insulation for streamlined warmth that lets you stay mobile and agile. Upgrade to Truework for a major change in the way you work. Truework helps you be your best when your best matters most. Check out the full lineup and get 15% off your first order at truewerk.com/ymh. That's 15% off at T R U E W E R K dot com slash Y M H.

• 30:15Tom Segura?

  I like my image here in the bottom corner.

• 30:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, what's that about? Did they provide that?

• 30:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, that was on there when they said it.

• 30:22Tom Segura?

  That's awesome, dude. Thanks, man.

• 30:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's really cool. Is that Arby's? Where is this fool eating from?

• 30:29Tom Segura?

  What is that?

• 30:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Maybe KFC?

• 30:31Tom Segura?

  No.

• 30:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  The box. I want to say that's a KFC.

• 30:35Tom Segura?

  That looks just like a plastic bag of food. Like, they just threw trash into a bag. The entrance is Dairy Queen. Is that Dairy Queen?

• 30:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  DQ.

• 30:43Tom Segura?

  Wow.

• 30:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Delicious.

• 30:45Tom Segura?

  Do you know what's been... Well, actually, I'll save this for our guest coming. Oh, my God, that's so fu... Oh, I was watching the Puff Daddy documentary.

• 30:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course.

• 30:58Tom Segura?

  Dude.

• 30:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:00Tom Segura?

  Speaking of Saddam.

• 31:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 31:02Tom Segura?

  Uh, dark.

• 31:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 31:05Tom Segura?

  Dude, Puff is like... Like, I always heard, and then as the news kind of, you know, you see these, like, kind of flashes, like, oh, you know, charged with this, and you're like... But when you sit and you watch, here's the thing about this... I watched the one on Max.

• 31:22Tom Segura?

  It's a, I don't know, six part series. It's like, pretty in depth. These are not just like, stories. They're sit down interviews with, cause if you're like, oh, who is it? Uh, childhood best friend?

• 31:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 31:38Tom Segura?

  Personal bodyguard for like 10 years. Uh, former employees, former artists that he worked with, like-

• 31:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  The chef, the chef that-

• 31:47Tom Segura?

  The chef that cooked in his house for years. It's everybody that was intimately involved with this guy. And everything that they said, I mean, he's a monster.

• 32:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Monster.

• 32:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah. There's a real, like, when you watch this, you end up going like, oh, there's a real probability that, I don't think he's gonna see the light of day.

• 32:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 32:12Tom Segura?

  Probability? Did I, did I say it wrong?

• 32:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Did you guys hear probabilit-?

• 32:17Tom Segura?

  Why did you have to fucking do that?

• 32:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just making sure you're talking properly.

• 32:21Tom Segura?

  Speaking properly?

• 32:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Got choking again, or?

• 32:25Tom Segura?

  No, I just was, in between words I was gonna say.

• 32:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, okay. Okay.

• 32:30Tom Segura?

  I think there's a real probability that he's not gonna see the light of day.

• 32:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, if, if he can, yeah, they can, but there-

• 32:37Tom Segura?

  If any of these charges stick, you're like, dude, you are-

• 32:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, if he, he made the, the stupid mistake of videotaping all these assaults on people. And, um, why does he videotape? So, so that he can blackmail people later? But that's gonna be the nail in his coffin with these cases.

• 32:53Tom Segura?

  Maybe if you wanna just jack your D later to it.

• 32:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  I guess.

• 32:56Tom Segura?

  I guess.

• 32:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, it's, Tom, I mean, everything you watch before bed is a steady diet of awful and just chaos and murder and destruction. And that one was like, oof, thank god I was on cold medicine. I could like-

• 33:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you kinda tapped out of it. But it is fucked up, man.

• 33:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, I know. This woman's like crying in the interview. She's like, um- I haven't been able to wear the color red in five years.

• 33:22Tom Segura?

  Oh, it's really fucked up, yeah.

• 33:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  He gave me a cup of red, like it was a red cup with poison, like with whatever.

• 33:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, he drugged her and then.

• 33:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  God damn it.

• 33:30Tom Segura?

  Allegedly, we should say.

• 33:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, yeah, sure. It's pretty true.

• 33:33Tom Segura?

  And then he allegedly forced himself into her and then she vomited on the table and then he kept doing it.

• 33:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  And what's really crazy to me is she's like, yeah, I knew him. Like, he would call me and we would chat on the phone. It's not like he just plucked her out of a nightclub.

• 33:51Tom Segura?

  No, I know.

• 33:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Or she's a sex worker that he's torturing. They had a rapport.

• 33:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 33:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  And then the people that worked in his home, like his domestic staff, tortured these poor. Pushed them around, swearing at them, calling them.

• 34:05Tom Segura?

  The crazy thing, you know what the crazy thing is? Each of them, so they interviewed his executive assistant, like the last one that he had. And he was like, oh, man, I was so excited to work, like.

• 34:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 34:15Tom Segura?

  He's somebody I idolized. And I was like, I get to work for Puff? And then you see, um, he, Puff left him not just texts, but voice notes, so that you get to hear his voice. And he's like, hey, man, go ahead and get that lube and that baby oil over to the crib for one of my parties. So it's like, he's, he's like, I'm just delivering like baby oil and lube and condoms to parties. And I, and I have to clean them. He goes, the cleanup was the worst. Cause you're just cleaning up like eight used condoms. And then he would destroy hotel rooms.

• 34:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my god.

• 34:51Tom Segura?

  So they were like, we had to like send a special unit to like clean up the hotels. And then he goes one time, and then the guy started crying. He's like, uh, Puff was like, hey, man, like, it's time, like a loyalty test. Like, you're with me, right? You're with me on all this shit. And he's like, yeah, like, he's like, all right, fuck her. And the girl was like, it's okay, like gave him the head nod. And then he's like, I started to like have sex with someone that I didn't want to. He's like, this guy's like crying in the interview. And then he's like, and then when Puff left, I stopped and I was like throwing up, like it's really traumatizing people.

• 35:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what's so interesting? And I've said this before on the show and I'll say it again.

• 35:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  The people in showbiz who pretend to be like, "Everything's great. I'm just lifting everybody up." Like, they really present themselves as the good guys. They're covering up the darkest. Meanwhile, guys like you who are like, "I come, I wipe the come on the sheets, I shit in my hand, I do all these crazy..." Like, these are the normal ones.

• 35:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 35:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's always the guys that present as like, "Uh huh, huh huh."

• 36:00Tom Segura?

  Do you know how all this kicked off for him too, they said?

• 36:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  I hate this shit.

• 36:02Tom Segura?

  Like, not kicked off in terms of behavior, but in terms of this becoming an issue for him?

• 36:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Cassie?

• 36:08Tom Segura?

  Yes, but it was the, it was the-

• 36:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  The awards.

• 36:11Tom Segura?

  The award ceremony. He got an award. He had not been with this person in years. And then in the award ceremony, this is recent, right? Like, semi-recent. It was last year, I think. He's like, "Also, just want to give a shout out to Cassie." Like, you know, "It's all love," or whatever. Something like that.

• 36:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he goes, "Thank you for being with me in my darkest. When I was at my worst, I was in my darkest."

• 36:35Tom Segura?

  And then she saw that and was like, "Fuck you." Because she took it as like a veiled threat in a way, you know? And that is what... So him just having the nerve to mention her is what, like, elicited everything. Isn't that wild?

• 36:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know. Eventually, these guys get caught. And I hate to say it, but no. People in Hollywood are horrible, generally. Not to this level, but I've worked for some fucking demons as well.

• 37:03Tom Segura?

  Of course, we all have. Yeah.

• 37:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is other level, but most of them are like this. It's fucking terrible. Not to this scale.

• 37:10Tom Segura?

  Right before we take a break here, I think we need a little palate cleanser.

• 37:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 37:14Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 37:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Beautiful.

• 37:35Tom Segura?

  Man, that was awesome.

• 37:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  He likes he took the time out of his beach vacay to do that.

• 37:40Tom Segura?

  It kinda makes me wonder what Puff could do with him, like with his producing power and this guy's raw talent. It's so sad we don't get to see that together.

• 37:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I know.

• 37:49Tom Segura?

  What'd you think of that clip right there, Zolo?

• 37:53Speaker 00

  Fucking awesome. I love this guy.

• 37:55Tom Segura?

  He's fucking badass.

• 37:56Speaker 00

  Very talented.

• 37:57Tom Segura?

  Any you like that?

• 38:00Tom Segura?

  Uh, yeah, it's great. Yeah, I don't know how the fuck he does it. I know. I wish I could. He's a throat whistler. Actually, maybe I don't. I mean, I've just, I've never, I've literally never heard that before.

• 38:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, me neither. This guy like invented a whole new instrument with his body. It's pretty amazing.

• 38:15Tom Segura?

  Sitting there at the beach, just enjoying life.

• 38:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Beautiful.

• 38:25Tom Segura?

  We gotta get in touch with this guy. I'm serious. We do.

• 38:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Of course we should. Why haven't we already? This guy's amazing.

• 38:30Tom Segura?

  I don't know.

• 38:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  He needs to be writing songs for us, doing music for us.

• 38:35Tom Segura?

  I got an idea. What about if we get him to do some of the Bad Boy Records Greatest Hits? I don't think he's familiar with them. You could learn them. He could learn them. Mm-hmm.

• 38:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  That would be really cool to hear him do.

• 38:47Tom Segura?

  Take that, take that, take that.

• 38:53Tom Segura?

  I thought I'd tell you that we won't stop. I thought I'd tell you that we won't stop.

• 39:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  We could totally resurrect Puffy's career.

• 39:07Tom Segura?

  Let's make that our mission.

• 39:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 39:08Tom Segura?

  The accomplishment of the year would be like, we brought Puff back from the dark.

• 39:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, this could cross over into a whole new audience.

• 39:15Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah.

• 39:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's worth trying.

• 39:18Tom Segura?

  Good looking out, yo.

• 39:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  You got it, bro.

• 39:19Tom Segura?

  All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

• 39:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  All right, bye.

• 39:22Tom Segura?

  And we are back and welcoming back to the program is one of our good friends. You can check, you can check out his new tour, The Bro Adjacent Tour. You can get tickets at thefullcharge.com. It's The Full Charge, Matt Full Charge, everybody.

• 39:36Speaker 07

  So good to be at my home away from home.

• 39:38Tom Segura?

  Hell, yeah.

• 39:39Speaker 07

  My mom's house.

• 39:40Tom Segura?

  Your mom's house, dude.

• 39:41Speaker 07

  You know, this show is so fucking popular and I tell emcees, comics who listen to it, and I'm like, yeah, just say I'm on Your Mom's House when they bring me up.

• 39:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 39:49Speaker 07

  And they'll always fuck it up, like Your Mama's House.

• 39:51Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, we get that.

• 39:53Speaker 07

  Or Big House, Your Mom. Big Mama Two.

• 39:55Tom Segura?

  I've had.

• 39:56Speaker 07

  Story Martin Lawrence.

• 39:57Tom Segura?

  I've had people bring me up that way, too. They're like, you know, and or even like introduction on a like a press thing. They'll be like, and you've seen this very popular podcast, Your Mama's Place.

• 40:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:08Tom Segura?

  It's your.

• 40:08Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 40:09Tom Segura?

  Your Mama's Place.

• 40:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, now I I used to threaten my emcees. You have to say your mom's house. If you say something, some variant of it, our fans are so diehard. They will fucking hate you.

• 40:18Speaker 07

  Totally.

• 40:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Do not fuck this up.

• 40:20Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 40:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, OK.

• 40:21Tom Segura?

  Also, how lazy they are.

• 40:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  So lazy.

• 40:23Speaker 07

  They they don't know that that's the whole job.

• 40:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:27Speaker 07

  Like, you're gonna bomb anyway when you're an emcee, so don't bother with that.

• 40:31Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:32Speaker 07

  We're going over your notes.

• 40:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:33Speaker 07

  Just memorize that shit.

• 40:35Tom Segura?

  Say the thing.

• 40:36Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 40:36Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 40:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fucking cunt.

• 40:37Speaker 07

  I remember I was emceeing in Ontario one time and I almost I was introducing David Allen Greer and I almost said Tommy Davidson. Like, it was halfway out my mouth.

• 40:47Tom Segura?

  And you're like.

• 40:47Speaker 07

  Which I would have been like just so fucking humiliated.

• 40:50Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 40:51Speaker 07

  It's it's only half racist. They were both on in living color.

• 40:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 40:56Speaker 07

  You know what I mean?

• 40:57Tom Segura?

  He would have got you good.

• 40:57Speaker 07

  Shouts out to both of them. I love them. It's my own stupidity and nervousness.

• 41:01Tom Segura?

  I remember, I think I've I've told this story before, but it it still haunts me because there's nothing like the trauma of not knowing what to say.

• 41:10Speaker 07

  Mm hmm.

• 41:10Tom Segura?

  And I was hosting at the Melrose Improv.

• 41:13Speaker 07

  Mm hmm.

• 41:13Tom Segura?

  On a showcase night.

• 41:15Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 41:15Tom Segura?

  So Melrose is like showcase shows. So, you know, every time you get off, you're like, who's next? And you go back and I had rift of minute in between and then it was time and I was like, give it up. Your next comedian. And I I remembered his last name and I couldn't remember his first name, so I just said, Mr. Berman.

• 41:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 41:37Speaker 07

  He's like 23.

• 41:38Tom Segura?

  His, uh, no, he's. I think his name is Peter. Is it Peter Berman? I think that's his name.

• 41:43Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's his name. Yeah, now you know it.

• 41:45Tom Segura?

  Peter Berman and I said, Mr. Berman. And he was like, he came up there. I remember he was like, fuck.

• 41:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Mr. Berman.

• 41:53Tom Segura?

  He goes, Mr. Berman. That's him. Yeah, yeah.

• 41:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  He looks like a Mr. Berman.

• 41:56Tom Segura?

  He goes, what am I, his fucking fourth grade teacher? That's what he said. I was like.

• 42:00Speaker 07

  Yeah, that dude don't fuck around. I've hung out with him recently.

• 42:03Tom Segura?

  And I mean, he should have. He did exactly what he should have done.

• 42:06Speaker 07

  Right.

• 42:07Tom Segura?

  Uh, yeah, that's him. And, and I was like, I was like, I, but here's the thing, even though the person forgives you.

• 42:13Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 42:13Tom Segura?

  You're so fucked up over the mistake.

• 42:16Speaker 07

  It sucks.

• 42:17Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I was like, cause I didn't, you know, I didn't write it down. I should have like written it on a piece of paper.

• 42:22Speaker 07

  Like it's fucking rookie to look at the paper.

• 42:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:24Speaker 07

  But it's a lot better than failure.

• 42:26Tom Segura?

  Yes.

• 42:26Speaker 07

  I'll tell you what, man.

• 42:28Tom Segura?

  Mr. Berman.

• 42:29Speaker 07

  Yeah. It's crazy. I said Chelsea Handler's name wrong one time. She just got there. She's like, that's not my name, but whatever.

• 42:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:35Speaker 07

  And then, and then like I was so distraught, like you're talking about. And I was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She's like, I don't give a fuck.

• 42:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 42:42Speaker 07

  Like some people just like a jumping off point.

• 42:44Tom Segura?

  Of course.

• 42:44Speaker 07

  At that. Uh, some people don't even say my last name. There's this, give it up for Matt.

• 42:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my God.

• 42:51Speaker 07

  They do it so much. I have jokes about it. Like, you know, if a joke bombs, I'm like, well, you can't Google me.

• 42:56Tom Segura?

  I've been with you when people have tried your last name and been like.

• 42:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  That is so stupid.

• 43:01Tom Segura?

  Throw in the towel.

• 43:01Speaker 07

  Well, especially when you're headlining.

• 43:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Full try. It's not that hard.

• 43:05Speaker 07

  There's this poster up at this place in Richland, Washington of me. And it's been up there for like 12 years and my name is spelled incorrectly.

• 43:17Speaker 07

  Full Srian.

• 43:18Tom Segura?

  Full Srian.

• 43:20Speaker 07

  And I remember this thing, like I'm holding a boombox and shit and I have cool hair. And I thought I took it home because like somebody spit on it. So I was like, I'm taking this down. There's a fucking loogie on it.

• 43:32Tom Segura?

  Holy shit.

• 43:33Speaker 07

  Cause I went up there and I was like, I was like, yo, what's up Kirkland? And everyone was like, Richland, how's it going? And I'm like, well, we got about 44 and a half minutes left. How do you guys want to do this? Do you want to start over?

• 43:46Tom Segura?

  I've been on stage, uh, said, said the wrong city.

• 43:49Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 43:49Tom Segura?

  Cause your brain sometimes, yeah, just fucking fizzles out.

• 43:53Speaker 07

  Horrible. They're so inefficient.

• 43:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 43:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I've fallen off a stage.

• 43:58Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah?

• 43:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  The hyenas in Dallas after my sex. I was walking down like, okay, good night, everybody. And I just ate shit downstairs. I'm like, oh, man.

• 44:07Speaker 07

  Was that before? Was that before the age of taping every moment of your life? Because that could be, well, you don't need to go viral. So fuck it. You need to bury that.

• 44:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that was, that was, yeah, god damn it.

• 44:18Tom Segura?

  I've eaten shit walking upstairs.

• 44:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, of course.

• 44:23Tom Segura?

  Also, you panic so hard when that happens. And in your mind, you're like, how am I going to recover?

• 44:30Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 44:31Tom Segura?

  There, either they saw it and they're laughing, or they didn't see it.

• 44:34Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 44:35Tom Segura?

  And then you're not even starting anymore because you're like, I fucking almost died.

• 44:39Speaker 07

  Yeah. Why, why do we feel like we have to be so cool?

• 44:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know.

• 44:44Speaker 07

  Our job is not to be cool.

• 44:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not at all.

• 44:46Tom Segura?

  It's the opposite of cool.

• 44:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Have you ever, oh my god, have you ever just straight up blanked on your set?

• 44:52Speaker 07

  Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know who you're talking to? I was thinking about this, um, on the way here because, you know, it brings up certain memories working with you and stuff. And I remember in San Jose, and I've done this twice, but one time I was opening for you. And it's the last joke, my time's done, like, you're coming out, you need to come out, you're clearly the headliner. And I'm like, yeah, forget the punchline. Anyway, and this one dude just goes, oh, come on! Like, fucking blue balls asshole. Like, you know, and I was like, fuck it, totally intimidated, but that guy actually cared.

• 45:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:27Speaker 07

  Everybody else is like, whatever.

• 45:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah, so was, yeah.

• 45:30Speaker 07

  Bring out Tom.

• 45:31Tom Segura?

  It's. I've, I've blanked also at the opening, same thing, which is like the, where you're like, this is the beginning.

• 45:39Speaker 07

  Right.

• 45:39Tom Segura?

  And your brain just goes, nope, nothing here.

• 45:42Speaker 07

  I've got nothing for you. I equate it to reaching up on the shelf and it's just not there.

• 45:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's not there.

• 45:48Speaker 07

  You're so casually going for it and your brain's like, I think we're taking the day off, man, because there was a stressful flight here.

• 45:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 45:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I tell you the worst I ever did was at Melrose at the Hollywood Improv? Like you said, it was a showcase night, not just any showcase night. My manager had invited every agent.

• 46:05Tom Segura?

  Always. It's always on when they're coming.

• 46:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Every casting person in the city. And I'd literally just gotten off a weekend of shows and I was exhausted. I'd just come, came from the airport, my brain was swirling. I was up there and yeah, about two minutes in, just totally blanked. And I was like, I get. I just froze and I was like, I forgot my jokes. I just admitted it. I was like, I totally don't know what I'm gonna. Oh yeah, I remember and I did that, but I.

• 46:35Tom Segura?

  But then that can work though. It did.

• 46:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't think it did. I think I did really bad.

• 46:41Tom Segura?

  Really? Sure, but at least you were talking.

• 46:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 46:44Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 46:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cuz I stopped and I was like, oh my god. And I kept saying it. I was like, oh my god, oh my god. I can't believe I'm doing this right now. Like I was totally.

• 46:52Tom Segura?

  Were at Melrose?

• 46:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  At Melrose.

• 46:54Tom Segura?

  Why are you stealing my act?

• 46:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  She, they were basically like, yeah, you just ate shit in front of everybody in Hollywood. And I was like, that sounds about right. Cuz I've eaten shit at showcases for like Live at Gotham, remember that showcase? That was for like a five minute slot on the TV show. And I'll never forget, they gave you five minutes. I wrapped that set up in three, type three, no laughs. Like so nervous.

• 47:18Tom Segura?

  I'm gonna excuse myself. The hardest I ever bombed.

• 47:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Shit so hard.

• 47:22Tom Segura?

  At a showcase, and I mean bombed, was for Just for Laughs.

• 47:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh huh. Of course. You have to bomb that.

• 47:31Tom Segura?

  We were supposed to do it at the Laugh Factory. And when we'd get there, they're like, oh, uh.

• 47:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I'm getting anxiety just listening to you. I can't.

• 47:39Tom Segura?

  We had told people to like, come at a different time, so they're not here. Uh huh. So we'll just use who's here. And I'm like, so there's no crowd? And they're like, well, there is a crowd, but it's mostly comics. Oh my god. Like the audience thought it was supposed to be like at whatever, like at nine, we're gonna do it at seven. I'm like, how, how does that make any sense? Yeah. And they're like, well, just, just do it. And I'm like, so there's like 20 comics who they're all wanna, they all wanna go to Just for Laughs. Same room for you. Yeah. And then I'm like, and that's who we're performing for? They're like, yeah, and the, the judges from Just for Laughs. And you're like, oh my god. And I went up there and just, I mean, everything was just, it was like right now. I just would finish and then there would just be silence, right? And I was like, wow. It's.

• 48:22Tom Segura?

  And so I got offstage and, I mean, I was like, that was the worst experience of my entire life. Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, you got it. You're going to Just for Laughs. I was like, off of that?

• 48:31Speaker 07

  Just for silence.

• 48:32Tom Segura?

  Which just told me how fucking rigged those experiences are.

• 48:38Speaker 07

  Right, okay, yeah, yeah, I hear you, yeah.

• 48:40Tom Segura?

  I was like, if you can get it off of that pile of shit, that means that you can also, because I'd also had showcases for other things where I was like, yo, I killed.

• 48:49Speaker 07

  Right.

• 48:49Tom Segura?

  And they're like, yeah, you didn't get it.

• 48:50Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 48:51Tom Segura?

  Why didn't you get, how, what do you mean?

• 48:52Speaker 07

  Dude, that's my, just for last, I remember this one year, they, they brought me back like six times, and I fucking murdered, like, like destroyed everybody on the whole show, every single time, like, like ruined the show for everybody else. And then on the sixth one, I just kind of did okay. They brought me up for a sixth?

• 49:09Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 49:10Speaker 07

  And they were like, yeah, you're not going. They just wore me down, dude, you know?

• 49:14Tom Segura?

  Uh, there's stuff that I'm dying to show you.

• 49:17Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 49:17Tom Segura?

  So, let's, well, first of all, so that we don't, uh, forget to do it, because I teased it at the top, you are going on tour.

• 49:24Speaker 07

  Yeah, so I got the Bro adjacent tour coming up. I'm very excited about it.

• 49:29Tom Segura?

  Thefullcharge.com, can you pull it up, please?

• 49:31Speaker 07

  Thefullcharge.com, it might be a little sloppy, but all the information's there. And, uh, no.

• 49:42Tom Segura?

  There we go.

• 49:44Speaker 07

  So you go to tour dates.

• 49:45Tom Segura?

  Oh, there we go.

• 49:45Speaker 07

  And, alright, that's not half bad. And, uh, I also, just when my plane landed, got the ticket link for the special I'm taping in Hermosa Beach in November.

• 49:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 49:58Speaker 07

  Fucking start buying tickets now. It's gonna be, it's gonna be killer.

• 50:02Tom Segura?

  Comedy Magic?

• 50:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, Comedy Magic, the lounge, it's gonna be a lounge vibe, like a fucking sleazy.

• 50:08Tom Segura?

  Oh, here we go, alright.

• 50:09Speaker 07

  Vibe, sexy vibe.

• 50:11Tom Segura?

  Got you.

• 50:11Speaker 07

  Hermosa, uh, and, uh, it's happening, man. I'm very excited. That's what the tour's about. Getting that hour together.

• 50:19Tom Segura?

  November 22nd.

• 50:20Speaker 07

  And just making babies.

• 50:23Tom Segura?

  Make babies, dude.

• 50:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, dog.

• 50:25Tom Segura?

  That's awesome. Congratulations.

• 50:26Speaker 00

  That's rad.

• 50:27Tom Segura?

  Go to thefullcharge.com. Don't forget, because if it's just fullcharge.com, that's a broken website.

• 50:33Speaker 07

  Right.

• 50:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 50:34Speaker 07

  And, um, and, uh, the Full Charge Power Hour is back in full effect.

• 50:38Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 50:39Speaker 07

  And, uh, I'm, I'm at the Full Charge on Instagram, so get to know me all over again.

• 50:44Tom Segura?

  Get to know him.

• 50:45Speaker 07

  There he is, look at him. He's doing it. Photo by Shawn Nicks.

• 50:49Tom Segura?

  Hey. By the way, do you have an OnlyFans?

• 50:52Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 50:52Tom Segura?

  You do?

• 50:52Speaker 07

  Yeah, but that's just for porn.

• 50:54Tom Segura?

  Oh, okay, because.

• 50:54Speaker 07

  That's fullcharge.com, I think that's down.

• 50:56Tom Segura?

  We're trying to get Charo, my mom, to get on.

• 50:59Speaker 07

  Feel it.

• 50:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah, well, I. I don't think she'll do hardcore, but I mean, I don't know. She has to meet people.

• 51:05Speaker 07

  Right. Maybe something tasteful.

• 51:07Tom Segura?

  We're trying to get her to do like good mornings. Uh, here's, uh, here's me making coffee.

• 51:12Speaker 07

  She'd make money.

• 51:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Coffee all day.

• 51:13Tom Segura?

  Yeah. She drinks and has panetton, like her little snacks. Yeah.

• 51:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like hello, good morning. This is Charo. Good afternoon. Good evening.

• 51:20Tom Segura?

  People forget that that platform was established as being like for fans.

• 51:26Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 51:26Tom Segura?

  Of like, I want to just follow this person.

• 51:28Speaker 07

  Like Patreon.

• 51:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 51:30Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 51:30Tom Segura?

  That's really, and then the porn people took it in another direction.

• 51:33Speaker 07

  As they do.

• 51:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  They always do.

• 51:35Tom Segura?

  They get their, they get their little come hooks in there, but the.

• 51:40Speaker 07

  Come.

• 51:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're gooey little come hooks.

• 51:43Tom Segura?

  Their gooey little come hooks never just latch out of you.

• 51:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  But they really do innovate and they, they grow technologies. Yeah.

• 51:49Speaker 07

  Porn is there first.

• 51:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 51:52Speaker 07

  VHS.

• 51:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 51:53Speaker 07

  Laser disc.

• 51:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yep.

• 51:55Speaker 07

  They were there.

• 51:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah. I remember when I saw a thing, they're like DJ Khalid on OnlyFans. I was like, he's fucking people on OnlyFans? And they're like, no, he's just like, here's my house.

• 52:03Speaker 07

  He's fucking, he's fucking someone that's like DJ Khalid. D D D D DJ Khalid.

• 52:09Tom Segura?

  That's really what it was set up for. So anyway, we're trying to get Charo on there. I hope, I hope we can convince her too.

• 52:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  That would be special. Are you gonna do OnlyFans?

• 52:16Tom Segura?

  I would love to. Do scenes with my friends.

• 52:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guys would pay a premium to see you.

• 52:22Tom Segura?

  J M I D?

• 52:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dudes love you.

• 52:24Tom Segura?

  Some dudes.

• 52:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. The right kind dude.

• 52:26Tom Segura?

  Right kind of dude.

• 52:27Speaker 07

  That should be y'all's retirement plan. Like one big sexual encounter on OnlyFans, cash out. That's it.

• 52:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like Tom and I fucking?

• 52:36Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 52:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  God.

• 52:36Speaker 07

  And be like, get out of your mom's house. It's over.

• 52:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get out of your mom, burn down the mom's house. Burning down your mom's house? That would be the grossest, us fucking?

• 52:45Tom Segura?

  No one wants to see that.

• 52:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Two fat, middle aged pigs.

• 52:48Speaker 07

  I'm telling you.

• 52:51Tom Segura?

  Ugh.

• 52:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  With my cancer tits and everything?

• 52:55Tom Segura?

  Oh, you got cancer tits?

• 52:56Speaker 07

  That's what you could call it.

• 53:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  My awful implants right now.

• 53:02Tom Segura?

  And then they'd be like, that was so fast. Why was this scene?

• 53:07Tom Segura?

  Trying.

• 53:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's us.

• 53:09Speaker 07

  It's like one of those boxing matches where like it's over.

• 53:11Tom Segura?

  One of my favorite things, I love these fucking pranks that people are doing. And I also love fucking, you know, I love fucking with my parents. I love, I fuck with my mom more than I did with my dad, but this guy has a real fired up dad and he fucks with him.

• 53:27Speaker 07

  All right.

• 53:28Tom Segura?

  And it makes me laugh so hard. It really makes, I get so much joy out of this.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  You know? Fucking asshole, fucking stupid.

• 53:38Speaker 00

  For fuck's sake.

• 53:44Speaker 00

  Fucking asshole, you.

• 53:50Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck, man. Shut up, you fucker.

• 53:58Speaker 00

  Fuck off.

• 54:07Tom Segura?

  This reminds me of Andrew Russell's dad, you know, when he's golfing? Just losing his shit.

• 54:12Speaker 07

  I don't see how this dad keeps hanging around with this kid.

• 54:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I was wondering.

• 54:16Tom Segura?

  They clearly work together too. Like they're, they're out, I think they're work, you know, he's a painter.

• 54:20Speaker 07

  Right.

• 54:21Tom Segura?

  And so he's just at work with his dad, pulls out his phone and he just fucks with his dad.

• 54:24Speaker 07

  So he feels like he can't get fired.

• 54:25Tom Segura?

  Uh, yeah, he can't get fired.

• 54:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, also there's no child abuse in his history because my dad would beat the fuck out of me.

• 54:30Speaker 07

  Dude.

• 54:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  I did this to him.

• 54:31Speaker 07

  Dude.

• 54:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  And he knows.

• 54:33Tom Segura?

  If you did this to your dad.

• 54:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  Could you imagine any doing this shit to our dads?

• 54:36Tom Segura?

  I wouldn't be here today.

• 54:38Speaker 07

  It wouldn't go, you'd never hold another paintbrush or a golf club for the, for as long, as long as you're in the house.

• 54:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 54:44Speaker 07

  You'd have to move out when you're 18 too. That's it, you know?

• 54:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's just a testament to this dad's patience and kindness.

• 54:50Tom Segura?

  He's actually a sweet guy.

• 54:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 54:51Tom Segura?

  And that's why they keep doing it. Cause they're like, it's so fun to watch him go, you fucking asshole, but he doesn't actually hurt them.

• 54:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think it's. But he should.

• 54:59Speaker 07

  Yeah, I think it might even be about the curse word. Cause he probably didn't curse that much.

• 55:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit.

• 55:09Speaker 07

  Dude.

• 55:15Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 55:34Speaker 07

  This poor dad can never relax, dude.

• 55:36Tom Segura?

  He can't relax anywhere. He was sleeping on vacation and when they dropped the chair on him, that guy was in the middle of a great nap.

• 55:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, but isn't this what it's like to have boys in general?

• 55:46Speaker 07

  Not in my house, man. Like, I had a brother, we didn't fuck with my dad at all, man. We might have made fun of him a little bit, but Jesus Christ, dude.

• 55:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I feel like anytime we want to relax is when they're like, I want to jump on you, I want to torture you, it's your torture time.

• 56:01Tom Segura?

  The big ass.

• 56:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  If you relax, they'll jump on top of you and fuck you up.

• 56:06Speaker 07

  Got you.

• 56:06Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Our kids are too little to be.

• 56:08Tom Segura?

  They're always ruining something.

• 56:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 56:09Tom Segura?

  Usually your peace.

• 56:10Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 56:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, dude, they just ruin any moment.

• 56:14Tom Segura?

  And this is the rare, this next one is the rare time where it's a woman pranking the man.

• 56:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 56:20Tom Segura?

  Because a lot of times these, like, the pranks in these relationships are the guy to the girl. But this woman fucks this guy up with this.

• 56:34Speaker 07

  That's right, dude.

• 56:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, I'd fucking hit that bitch, too.

• 56:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's me and his shit, though.

• 56:45Tom Segura?

  She fucks him up.

• 56:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's, she hates him. She fucking hates him. Wait, again, I would never do this to you because I respect you. I'd be like, he's gonna fucking hit me.

• 56:53Tom Segura?

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  He wake up out of a, a deep sleep like that and you see a fucking crow?

• 56:58Tom Segura?

  Well, that's not just a crow.

• 56:59Speaker 07

  That's a gargoyle. And, and you're, that's, that's beyond your relationship. That's human instincts. Kicking in, freaking out, fight or flight, you're already backed against the bed, it's fight time. This is terrifying.

• 57:12Tom Segura?

  A deep sleep and see a monster on the, like.

• 57:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You don't know that it's me in a costume. This bitch could get fucking killed.

• 57:19Speaker 07

  That's everybody.

• 57:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  He sucks dude. He sucks.

• 57:24Tom Segura?

  It's very funny though.

• 57:26Speaker 07

  Dude, that was like five takes. That was like cartoon level reaction.

• 57:30Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 57:31Speaker 07

  That's why you don't date a cosplay bitch.

• 57:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Nah dude.

• 57:37Speaker 07

  Then it's filmed and put on the internet.

• 57:39Tom Segura?

  He is shook man.

• 57:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  She hates him.

• 57:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah. That's fucking. Dude, fuck that bitch dude.

• 57:44Speaker 07

  That guy does not have a sense of humor about it. I mean,

• 57:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 57:47Speaker 07

  It's hard, it's hard enough being alive without coffee in the morning.

• 57:50Tom Segura?

  Yeah, you know too, he probably just worked like a long shift and he's just like.

• 57:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please bitch.

• 57:55Speaker 07

  Even if he's lazy, he was asleep.

• 57:57Tom Segura?

  He was asleep, yeah.

• 57:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's bad enough when you're in a dead sleep and your kid wakes you up. They stand right over us and they're like, "Mom!" And I'm like,

• 58:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like that's bad enough.

• 58:07Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that wake up.

• 58:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh my god.

• 58:09Tom Segura?

  Cause they always do it close too. So you're always like, "Holy fuck."

• 58:12Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 58:12Tom Segura?

  "Dad!" And like,

• 58:15Tom Segura?

  Fuck dude. He's like, "Hey, hey." "No, I got it. I'm awake now."

• 58:19Speaker 07

  Yes.

• 58:19Tom Segura?

  "What? Do you know where my iPad is?"

• 58:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 58:22Tom Segura?

  No.

• 58:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's terrifying. Fuck this bitch.

• 58:25Speaker 06

  If you need to focus and you have low focus, what you do is just pull back your foreskin. That'll put a pressure on your frenulum, which stimulates the pineal to create the god molecule. See, I'm talking like Andrew Huberman here. And then you just rub, rub, rub the juicy mushroom.

• 58:41Speaker 06

  Whoa! And it tingles the balls and it just gives you, it's like having a dose of espresso or cris- And don't worry, my American brother ears, if you're circumcised, what you can do is rub your ball bag and then mix the ball bag smell with a little bit from your stink portal. So just rub the starfish. And then, Oh, it does the same thing!

• 59:01Speaker 07

  What is it supposed to do? Give you energy?

• 59:02Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it just really.

• 59:03Speaker 07

  Cause I, I scratch my taint all the time and it gives me nothing.

• 59:06Tom Segura?

  I think you have to smell it.

• 59:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not smelling it.

• 59:08Speaker 07

  And a trip to, no, I'm smelling it. You have to smell it.

• 59:10Tom Segura?

  You gotta smell it.

• 59:11Speaker 07

  And then I go to the bathroom and wash my hands and I'm skipping, I get nothing. I'm just, then I'm just moping like, "God damn, I need some, uh, old bonds."

• 59:19Tom Segura?

  I'll send you this video and then maybe you just need to like, practice how you do it.

• 59:22Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'll get into it, you know? Maybe get some earrings or something like this guy.

• 59:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not mixing your ball smells and your taint smells. That's, that's where your flaw is.

• 59:31Speaker 07

  That's true.

• 59:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  You need to get that potency from your balls.

• 59:33Speaker 07

  Right. So close yet so far away.

• 59:36Tom Segura?

  No. I, I, I, sometimes I, I really miss out on a lot of his lessons. He, he's given me a lot of great pointers and I don't actually follow up a lot. So I'm, I'm being kind of a lazy student. Right. Yeah. Well, I think, I think the guy's smart. He says espresso and not espresso.

• 59:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 59:51Tom Segura?

  Which makes me think he's intelligent. He is intelligent. Yeah. He's very well read. It's just all the books you have no interest in. Right. The ball book. He's definitely well read.

• 1:00:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, this sounds like it does what smelling salts do.

• 1:00:04Tom Segura?

  Hmm.

• 1:00:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which, you know.

• 1:00:05Tom Segura?

  You know, this might be a good segue into the, the show we were watching.

• 1:00:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Matt, you gotta get on this with your lady.

• 1:00:13Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:00:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta watch this show. We found it's about 10 years old and it was on TLC and it's called My Husband's Not Gay.

• 1:00:24Tom Segura?

  All right. That's a good premise. It's about guys who are just SSA.

• 1:00:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  SSA.

• 1:00:29Tom Segura?

  They're same-sex attracted. Okay. But they're not, they're not gay. Okay. So they're basically guys who are like, yeah, I find men attractive. I look at them. Oh, so gay.

• 1:00:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:00:43Tom Segura?

  But.

• 1:00:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  They don't act on the impulse.

• 1:00:44Tom Segura?

  But, right. Like, I repress all the feelings that I have and I pretend that I'm attracted to this woman. Right. But what I really like to be doing is blowing a guy. Right. Um, and I, I've created a life with this woman.

• 1:00:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  And children.

• 1:00:59Tom Segura?

  And children.

• 1:00:59Christina Pazsitzky?

  Families. Well, they're Mormon. They're Mormon.

• 1:01:01Tom Segura?

  Oh.

• 1:01:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  So they've learned that they can have these SSA's, but you can't act on them because scripture does not allow homosexuality.

• 1:01:08Tom Segura?

  God damn it. Here's a cool clip from the show.

• 1:01:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:10Tom Segura?

  That is, that is tough.

• 1:01:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not gay.

• 1:01:19Speaker 08

  Hey, guys.

• 1:01:20Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 1:01:20Speaker 08

  How are you guys?

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  Jeff and I are meeting Prent and Megan for an early dinner tonight.

• 1:01:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Matt, see if you can guess who's gay.

• 1:01:26Speaker 00

  You never know where those conversations may go.

• 1:01:29Speaker 08

  I want to hear your French pronunciation on the menu.

• 1:01:32Speaker 00

  Brother.

• 1:01:32Speaker 08

  I'll critique you.

• 1:01:34Speaker 00

  Um. I'm not doing that.

• 1:01:35Speaker 08

  Tuna melt.

• 1:01:37Speaker 00

  Gruyere.

• 1:01:38Speaker 08

  Very good.

• 1:01:38Speaker 00

  Thank you. La tuna n' quoi?

• 1:01:41Speaker 08

  Niçoise.

• 1:01:41Speaker 00

  Niçoise.

• 1:01:42Speaker 08

  Of course. Hello. Welcome to Boulangerie.

• 1:01:47Speaker 00

  Ooh. Thank you.

• 1:01:49Speaker 08

  Don't laugh, it's not that funny.

• 1:01:51Speaker 00

  Yes, it is.

• 1:01:52Speaker 08

  Can I get you all an appetizer to start? You know, your hummus looked good. Your hummus plate. It's excellent. Great. We'll try it. Okay.

• 1:02:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Your hummus cannon.

• 1:02:02Speaker 00

  Did you guys notice anything?

• 1:02:05Speaker 08

  He's a very good-looking guy. We have a very open relationship. And this is just one more way we try to be open. And I found it's more freeing to just acknowledge, yeah, that is a beautiful man.

• 1:02:17Speaker 09

  I'd say you need a little more of the masculine butch. You need more of the all-American guy.

• 1:02:23Speaker 08

  That's your type.

• 1:02:24Speaker 09

  Well, yeah, sure.

• 1:02:26Speaker 07

  Okay. Well. They all have kids. I don't have great not gaydar. But I'm guessing it's the guy in the white shirt.

• 1:02:37Tom Segura?

  It's actually both guys.

• 1:02:38Speaker 07

  Oh, okay.

• 1:02:40Tom Segura?

  They're both SSA.

• 1:02:41Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:02:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, same-sex practice. But also, what's cool, what is really neat, is that there's a scale from zero to four, where they have to rate how SSA they're feeling in the moment. So zero is like, mm, I might notice an attractive guy.

• 1:02:57Tom Segura?

  Oh, right there.

• 1:02:58Speaker 07

  That's zero?

• 1:02:58Tom Segura?

  I think if you, yeah, that one. Well, they had talked about it here.

• 1:03:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  The scale?

• 1:03:05Tom Segura?

  They talked about when they were playing basketball.

• 1:03:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:07Speaker 10

  I don't feel like I fit the mold of guys that are attracted to other men.

• 1:03:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  This guy's my favorite.

• 1:03:12Speaker 10

  Other than my, my deep and abiding love for Broadway show tunes and the attraction to males. Those are the two things that are kind of gay about me.

• 1:03:23Speaker 09

  When I'm out with the guys, yeah, we'll, we'll look at other guys, for sure.

• 1:03:27Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:27Speaker 09

  What's the danger score?

• 1:03:28Tom Segura?

  Danger score.

• 1:03:30Speaker 09

  The danger scale is a way to bring out some of the inner feelings and figure out, oh, okay, that is attractive to me, and I didn't even realize it.

• 1:03:39Speaker 08

  The danger scale goes from zero to four. A one on the danger scale is you notice, you look.

• 1:03:45Speaker 09

  A two means you looked again.

• 1:03:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Uh-oh.

• 1:03:47Speaker 08

  A three, you'd be tempted to turn around and look again and again.

• 1:03:51Speaker 09

  A four pretty much means you're requiring restraints. Two and a half. Really? Mm-hmm. I'd go higher than that.

• 1:03:58Speaker 08

  That's some danger.

• 1:03:59Speaker 09

  That's why the basketball's been fun.

• 1:04:03Speaker 09

  Some water?

• 1:04:04Speaker 07

  A five is just when you just come in your pants, I guess.

• 1:04:06Speaker 10

  Same-sex attraction, it's really been helpful.

• 1:04:09Speaker 11

  Somebody cares about you, Tom.

• 1:04:12Speaker 10

  They're kind of in a place that I want to be. I want to meet a girl and like her and say, "By the way, I'm attracted to guys." That's what my friends have done, and they've made it work.

• 1:04:23Speaker 07

  Kind of. Your friends that don't live in Utah.

• 1:04:26Tom Segura?

  Isn't that crazy that he's like, "I want to be like my friends who are also gay."

• 1:04:29Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:04:30Tom Segura?

  That are married to women.

• 1:04:32Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:04:32Tom Segura?

  And are cool with being married to a gay guy.

• 1:04:35Speaker 07

  This is insanity.

• 1:04:36Tom Segura?

  It's totally, it's totally.

• 1:04:37Speaker 07

  Move to a coast and fucking get busy.

• 1:04:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:04:40Speaker 07

  Fuck some, fuck some bros.

• 1:04:42Tom Segura?

  All these guys would be so much happier in their lives, and the women, too.

• 1:04:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Everybody's happier.

• 1:04:47Speaker 07

  It's such an ordeal. It's like, we gotta go through this whole, like, alternate life that doesn't exist. Just, I mean, these guys are lucky they only have one wife, too, you know?

• 1:04:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:04:58Speaker 07

  How about one of our wives is a man?

• 1:05:00Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, here's the thing I do know about the Mormon church, is that if you leave, because that's what we say as people that aren't Mormon, like, "Get the fuck out of the church, just go." Well, if you leave the Mormon church, you're excommunicated, which means you don't talk to your family or friends ever again. So it's not just like, "Hey, I'm leaving the church." Like, your life is, everyone you've ever known cannot speak to you ever again, so it's a really big deal.

• 1:05:25Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:05:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Which is why you should repress your homosexual feelings and suck it up and bust nuts in your wife's dry vagina.

• 1:05:32Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:32Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:05:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  And you push your sagging, barely erect penis into her over and over.

• 1:05:37Tom Segura?

  The crazy thing is that, we always think about those guys and how clearly they should just, you know, go be gay, because that's what you are.

• 1:05:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wish they could be.

• 1:05:44Tom Segura?

  But then those women have never been with a guy who's like into them.

• 1:05:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Into them.

• 1:05:49Tom Segura?

  They don't even know what that's like.

• 1:05:50Speaker 07

  So they do like it, probably, in a way. Like, they probably, like, there's some women, mostly on sitcoms, who are like, "Eh, not tonight, Ray."

• 1:05:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:58Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:59Speaker 07

  You know, they might kind of like that, that, that aspect of it.

• 1:06:02Tom Segura?

  Maybe.

• 1:06:03Speaker 07

  I don't know.

• 1:06:04Tom Segura?

  But like, it's just, you gotta find people that are into what you're into, you know?

• 1:06:09Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, my God. It's really nice, Tom.

• 1:06:15Speaker 07

  She's so cute.

• 1:06:16Tom Segura?

  She's adorable.

• 1:06:17Speaker 07

  That's what's great about dudes is like, we're not even disgusted. We're like, yeah, she's cute.

• 1:06:21Tom Segura?

  Yeah, she's awesome. See, this one, she's not lying about who she is.

• 1:06:27Tom Segura?

  You know?

• 1:06:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't know, dude.

• 1:06:29Speaker 00

  Guys, I got this really cute, matching red set.

• 1:06:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  I could do this for money.

• 1:06:34Speaker 00

  Doesn't it look so good on me?

• 1:06:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  I could do this for money. Like, if I had to, this is what I would do.

• 1:06:39Speaker 00

  Red is like the best color ever.

• 1:06:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's made a thousand dollars. She's just made so much money.

• 1:06:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guys are so gross and base. Wait, hold on. Can we talk about?

• 1:06:48Speaker 07

  Who's feeding us?

• 1:06:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can we talk about the Mormons for a second?

• 1:06:52Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:06:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I talk to you for a second? Do you really think that these dudes being dudes and like, young, young enough dudes, that they still have an appetite for dicks? Do you really think they're just holding it in? Or are they fucking each other after basketball?

• 1:07:06Speaker 07

  I think they're either jerking it to gay porn, number one. That's that.

• 1:07:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  At the minimum.

• 1:07:11Speaker 07

  And then.

• 1:07:11Tom Segura?

  That's the minimum.

• 1:07:12Speaker 07

  And I do think at least one of them has got to be going on business trips and doing his thing. Somebody's gotta give. Something's gotta give.

• 1:07:19Tom Segura?

  Something's gotta give.

• 1:07:20Speaker 07

  And it's better to cheat than to get excommunicated in this case, you know? It's a unique case.

• 1:07:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I agree. Maybe they should have a clause like that and maybe they do in their marriage where they're like, just fucking go bang dudes.

• 1:07:30Speaker 07

  It sounds like it's kinda like, eh, don't ask, don't tell.

• 1:07:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:35Speaker 07

  It sounds like it's kinda like, I'm not gonna ask you too many questions.

• 1:07:38Tom Segura?

  I don't know. If you, if you watch more, it feels like the women are like, eh, they're more like, it's.

• 1:07:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  They're in denial.

• 1:07:43Tom Segura?

  He has these feelings, but the great thing is he doesn't act on them.

• 1:07:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Please.

• 1:07:48Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:07:48Tom Segura?

  So they're, maybe they're in denial to themselves about it.

• 1:07:51Speaker 07

  They are, yeah.

• 1:07:51Tom Segura?

  But like, those guys definitely, like, they're, they're not being satisfied.

• 1:07:56Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:07:56Tom Segura?

  So they, they gotta do something.

• 1:07:57Speaker 07

  Right. But also, if you grow up religious, you know that like, there's tons of thoughts that come into your head that you're not supposed to do. And they can just file that into that.

• 1:08:05Tom Segura?

  Into that.

• 1:08:06Speaker 07

  Cause they don't live in a society where they see a lot of gay people or think it's normal. I don't think.

• 1:08:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not in Salt Lake City, Utah.

• 1:08:12Tom Segura?

  You're true.

• 1:08:13Speaker 07

  Probably not.

• 1:08:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  And like, there are girls who straight up, like, love gay guys. Like, like, have, like, I have friends. I have female friends who love watching gay man porn, who are very attracted to gay men, like, girls. It's.

• 1:08:29Speaker 07

  Every bachelor party, there's always one gay dude that's like, we gotta have him too.

• 1:08:33Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:34Speaker 07

  You know?

• 1:08:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love gay guys. Maybe I should look into this.

• 1:08:41Tom Segura?

  Well, you know that I'm SSA.

• 1:08:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Really?

• 1:08:45Tom Segura?

  I'm not gay.

• 1:08:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're not gay. No, clearly, but you're-

• 1:08:47Tom Segura?

  I'm same-sex attracted.

• 1:08:49Speaker 07

  I'm walking around about a four all day long. I like, I like how all the numbers were kind of similar.

• 1:08:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:08:55Speaker 07

  One of them should be contact.

• 1:08:57Tom Segura?

  Yeah, he was like, "Look, look again. You wanna look again?" And then four was restraints.

• 1:09:02Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:09:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it goes quick.

• 1:09:03Speaker 07

  Yeah, like, "I wanted to hop on him, but I didn't."

• 1:09:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, there should be like, "I talked to him suggestively." Or like, "I flirted with him."

• 1:09:10Tom Segura?

  Come on.

• 1:09:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  I did something.

• 1:09:12Speaker 07

  They should go to 10. I think it does. I think they're cutting it off at 4. When's the last time you heard of a 4, like, rating? It's either 5 or 10, you know? This is TV. This is the TV version.

• 1:09:23Tom Segura?

  That's so gay.

• 1:09:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  I wish that their Mormon god would let them be gay. What's the big-

• 1:09:29Speaker 07

  Please.

• 1:09:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  But then you can't have, you can't make babies that way. That's the only problem.

• 1:09:33Tom Segura?

  That's the only thing. Hold it good.

• 1:09:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's literally, it's not because it's wrong, it's just that they can't make more Mormon-

• 1:09:37Tom Segura?

  That guy who's still single, though? Who's looking for someone?

• 1:09:40Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, I like him the best.

• 1:09:41Tom Segura?

  He should just be chugging cock.

• 1:09:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Get out of the church and go chug cock, for sure.

• 1:09:46Speaker 07

  Check out some Broadway musicals.

• 1:09:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  Go to New York. Go live in New York.

• 1:09:49Tom Segura?

  He just needs someone to take him out of there. That's it.

• 1:09:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:09:52Tom Segura?

  Just take him out of the city.

• 1:09:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know, but all his friends are there playing basketball.

• 1:09:55Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:56Speaker 07

  I think what's good about this 4, that guy, is in the age of social media, he probably had people hitting him up like, "Dude, just fucking come out for the weekend, blah, blah, blah, that type of thing, you know?"

• 1:10:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, because gay guys are savage, dude.

• 1:10:09Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:10:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, I'm sure he got DMs. He's like, "I'll fucking suck your dick, come to New York right now." Like Robert Paul Champagne.

• 1:10:15Tom Segura?

  Their DMs definitely blew up.

• 1:10:16Speaker 07

  Yeah. You can only turn that down about 12, 13 times before you're like, "All right."

• 1:10:20Tom Segura?

  You know what they really need? They, each of these guys, especially the single guy, he just needs another Mormon, who was like, "I grew up Mormon too."

• 1:10:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  On the down-low.

• 1:10:28Tom Segura?

  So, so they can connect on that.

• 1:10:30Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Tom Segura?

  And then, "Hey, man, like, you could still care for God and be filled with cum."

• 1:10:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:36Tom Segura?

  Like, just, you just can visit me.

• 1:10:38Speaker 07

  It doesn't have to be mutually exclusive.

• 1:10:39Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:40Speaker 07

  It can exist together.

• 1:10:41Christina Pazsitzky?

  God doesn't hate cum. He just hates when there's no babies with the cum.

• 1:10:45Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:10:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's all it is.

• 1:10:46Speaker 07

  That's why he hates jerking off.

• 1:10:47Tom Segura?

  It's a good speech.

• 1:10:48Speaker 07

  That's why he hates porn.

• 1:10:50Tom Segura?

  Like, the Mormon gays out there.

• 1:10:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Guys, God doesn't hate your cum. God doesn't hate your cum. He just hates there's those babies.

• 1:10:56Tom Segura?

  Have you been in a Waymo yet?

• 1:10:58Speaker 07

  I have not. I've seen them around and skeptical.

• 1:11:02Tom Segura?

  I wanna try it. I wanna try.

• 1:11:03Speaker 07

  I'm at about a one on Waygo's.

• 1:11:06Speaker 07

  I look twice.

• 1:11:10Tom Segura?

  That's, uh, I've seen them everywhere.

• 1:11:12Speaker 07

  Something will go wrong.

• 1:11:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:13Speaker 07

  And it will be me.

• 1:11:15Tom Segura?

  I have to also-

• 1:11:15Speaker 07

  I'll finally go viral.

• 1:11:16Tom Segura?

  I was actually-

• 1:11:17Speaker 07

  I'll finally be famous.

• 1:11:18Tom Segura?

  Paying attention. I gotta watch my weight, though, if I'm gonna get in one of these, you know?

• 1:11:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Okay, okay, let's talk about it.

• 1:11:23Speaker 12

  I'm too fat to safely ride in a Waymo, and you might be too. It's your favorite queer automotive educator, and recently, my wife and I took our first spin in the self-driving rideshare service. I had concerns, but was cautiously optimistic about the experience. After loading up our suitcases and getting comfortable, I buckled my seatbelt. No way I was riding in a futuristic self-driving machine without it. And bam, the seatbelt clicked and immediately locked. Okay, it happens. Let me try again. Removing my seatbelt instantly made the car scream at me. But you know, I had to. The seatbelt locked yet again, almost instantly. Damn it.

• 1:12:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Wait, isn't that supposed to lock?

• 1:12:03Speaker 12

  I'm the problem. We're just too damn fat for this car. The seatbelt locked on my smaller wife, too. Fat people deserve a safe, comfortable ride, just like anyone else. Waymo, you need to provide seatbelt extenders. It's as simple as that. They're relatively inexpensive and should simply be in the car for customers to use when they're needed. And while we're on the subject of seatbelt extenders, being an ally to the fat people in your life means you too should have a seatbelt extender, because they're not universal. A quick Google search or call to your local parts department at the dealership will let you know if the car manufacturer makes them. And if they don't, you can get it from seatbeltextenderpros.com for 20 to 30 bucks.

• 1:12:46Speaker 07

  All right. Um, everybody wants everything and everyone is taping everything, and this is insane.

• 1:12:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Insane. Also, if you know-

• 1:12:55Tom Segura?

  You should have one, too.

• 1:12:56Speaker 07

  I should get one, just in case. I don't have any friends.

• 1:13:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fat friends.

• 1:13:01Speaker 07

  I don't drive anybody around. So my wife, that's it, dude.

• 1:13:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  But here's the deal, man. If you know you're a big, great big fat person, and like, this tiny ass car shows up-

• 1:13:09Tom Segura?

  You should carry it.

• 1:13:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Carry what, homie?

• 1:13:12Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm saying. If you're the great big fat person.

• 1:13:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  You carry the-

• 1:13:15Tom Segura?

  You carry it.

• 1:13:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's right. Why is it my responsibility?

• 1:13:17Speaker 07

  B Y O S B E.

• 1:13:19Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, bring your own extender.

• 1:13:21Tom Segura?

  No, that's, this, she needs the video where they go, oh yeah, you're right. It should be everywhere and it could be in your purse.

• 1:13:27Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, then you carry it. That's a good point, Tom. That's a good point, Tom.

• 1:13:31Speaker 07

  Like a condom in the wallet.

• 1:13:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, dude. Exactly. Just bring your, I bring, I bring hand sanitizer because I like clean hands.

• 1:13:40Speaker 00

  Stop fucking eating, fatty.

• 1:13:43Tom Segura?

  Jesus Christ, you know?

• 1:13:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not gonna happen.

• 1:13:46Speaker 00

  You gotta be fucking retarded as fuck enough to lose weight.

• 1:13:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's not gonna happen.

• 1:13:50Tom Segura?

  That helps.

• 1:13:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  That does, but that's too much work. Just buying a seatbelt extender is less work.

• 1:13:56Speaker 07

  I've never seen a seatbelt extender for sale. Um, probably get it on, uh, Amazon or whatever.

• 1:14:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, you get everything.

• 1:14:03Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:14:03Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:14:04Tom Segura?

  Or at seatbeltextenderpros.com, which she plugged.

• 1:14:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  What car should a fat person get? Like what's a, like an SUV?

• 1:14:12Tom Segura?

  Yeah, big, big fat people want big fat cars.

• 1:14:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:15Tom Segura?

  Yeah. You don't want to get in a little car.

• 1:14:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Well, she, she makes, yeah, she's getting into a tiny car.

• 1:14:19Tom Segura?

  Cause there was that lady a few weeks ago that got, she wants to sue Lyft.

• 1:14:23Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah?

• 1:14:23Tom Segura?

  Because the Lyft driver pulled up. She was, she's 392, I think.

• 1:14:27Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:14:28Tom Segura?

  This lady and she was like, and the driver was like, nah. He's like, you can't get in here.

• 1:14:33Speaker 07

  I mean, yeah, he, he knew, you know, he probably didn't have the right accommodations.

• 1:14:37Tom Segura?

  He didn't. He actually had a small car. He's like, you're, you're way too big for the car.

• 1:14:40Speaker 07

  I think a classic car is good, even though it's built for skinny people.

• 1:14:44Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:44Speaker 07

  They're big, big, long bench seats.

• 1:14:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:47Speaker 07

  And no seatbelts.

• 1:14:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Perfect.

• 1:14:49Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:14:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Cause you know what? The thing is, if you have a big SUV, it's not easy to get in them.

• 1:14:53Speaker 07

  No, that's what I was thinking. You need a low ride, uh, SUV, but then if you're heavy, that's just gonna make you scrape going up a little ramp or whatever.

• 1:15:01Christina Pazsitzky?

  But I was thinking a pickup truck. You just need a driver.

• 1:15:05Tom Segura?

  In the back.

• 1:15:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:06Tom Segura?

  You get in the flatbed.

• 1:15:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:08Speaker 07

  That's a scene. That's a sight.

• 1:15:11Tom Segura?

  That's a good idea.

• 1:15:12Christina Pazsitzky?

  That would so fly in Texas.

• 1:15:14Speaker 07

  Little baby pool.

• 1:15:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  People don't give a fuck. They put everything in their pickup truck.

• 1:15:18Speaker 07

  My Uber driver picked me up in a pickup truck today. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  See?

• 1:15:21Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:15:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Texas loves it.

• 1:15:22Tom Segura?

  Don't give a fuck. That is true. I got, my car got hit today.

• 1:15:26Speaker 07

  Really?

• 1:15:26Tom Segura?

  In a parking lot and I watched it.

• 1:15:28Speaker 07

  You just saw it happen?

• 1:15:28Tom Segura?

  I watched it and I was like, hey. You hit my car. And she goes, I don't think I did. I go, no, I watched it. And she goes, I don't think I did. I go, it's not that you think. I saw you do it. And she was like, no. And then her trailer hitch matches up perfectly to the damage. I'm like, and then she just rolled up the window and drove off.

• 1:15:47Speaker 07

  Oh, my God, you can do that?

• 1:15:49Tom Segura?

  This is her driving off. I posted it online.

• 1:15:52Speaker 07

  It's a new, it's a new era of no, the law don't apply to me. I'm out.

• 1:15:56Tom Segura?

  That's her license plate.

• 1:15:58Speaker 07

  Oh, my God, dude. But she deserves it, right?

• 1:16:01Tom Segura?

  Yes, for sure. She deserves it.

• 1:16:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  The nerve of somebody to-

• 1:16:03Tom Segura?

  That's the trailer. There's the paint on the edge of it. And then the next image, that's where it went.

• 1:16:10Speaker 07

  Dude.

• 1:16:11Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:11Speaker 07

  That's definite.

• 1:16:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean-

• 1:16:13Tom Segura?

  Also, if you go back a few, I have, oh, yeah, that's her. Oh, that's me yelling at her. I go-

• 1:16:18Speaker 07

  Nice.

• 1:16:19Tom Segura?

  Cause she had already turned back around. I go, no, I watched you do it.

• 1:16:27Tom Segura?

  She's like, I don't think I did.

• 1:16:32Tom Segura?

  I don't think I did.

• 1:16:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That was you.

• 1:16:36Speaker 07

  That wasn't me.

• 1:16:42Speaker 07

  It's so funny on the show, but it's so fucking frustrating in real life.

• 1:16:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah, it's just crazy. Yeah. I just, I don't know, man.

• 1:16:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  And especially in this day and age where there's so many cameras and everyone can, all you have to do is photograph her drivers, I mean, her, whatever the shit word is, license plate.

• 1:16:58Tom Segura?

  Yeah. Yeah, we already found out who it belongs to. Um, people-

• 1:17:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're not gonna get away with it.

• 1:17:03Speaker 07

  They also don't know who they're fucking with. You guys have a huge show. You know?

• 1:17:08Christina Pazsitzky?

  My God, one time I backed up into a, like a, a really shitty, um, tow truck in the parking lot. I was with our kids. And I left him a note. I was like, I'm so sorry.

• 1:17:19Speaker 07

  That's what you do.

• 1:17:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, cause also my kids, I don't wanna like hit and run.

• 1:17:23Tom Segura?

  She called somebody. She rolled up the window and we're like, hey, hey. And then she started to move and then she just drove.

• 1:17:29Speaker 07

  Dude.

• 1:17:30Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:17:31Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's wild, dog.

• 1:17:32Speaker 07

  That's a crime.

• 1:17:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  It legit is the trailer hitch too. That's the best part.

• 1:17:36Tom Segura?

  It fits perfectly. It's what she did.

• 1:17:37Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:17:38Tom Segura?

  We watched her do it.

• 1:17:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, but my opinion is it didn't happen.

• 1:17:41Tom Segura?

  Yeah, that's what she said. She goes, I don't think I did.

• 1:17:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  I love Red Band's comment, what a cunt.

• 1:17:48Speaker 07

  Short and sweet.

• 1:17:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah. That's my boy.

• 1:17:51Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:52Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, what the-

• 1:17:52Speaker 07

  She got Garth Army on her now.

• 1:17:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's done for, dude. She's done. That car is not gonna get any love in Texas.

• 1:18:01Speaker 07

  There's her face too.

• 1:18:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:18:04Tom Segura?

  It's just, here's the thing, it's just a shitty thing to do.

• 1:18:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's not cool.

• 1:18:08Tom Segura?

  You should be, you know, you're accountable. You did it. But yeah, whatever. It's just how it goes.

• 1:18:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is really crazy. People are fucking.

• 1:18:17Speaker 07

  I had a hit run, my car got totaled.

• 1:18:19Christina Pazsitzky?

  What?

• 1:18:19Speaker 07

  On Los Feliz Boulevard. It just, I had a Chrysler 300, you saw it.

• 1:18:24Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:24Speaker 07

  And it just, this is in 2015. I only had it for like six months and it was like the coolest car in the world for me. Cause I would never buy it myself.

• 1:18:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:34Speaker 07

  But like a friend had it and I bought it from him cheap. And I'm like cruising in a Chrysler 300.

• 1:18:41Tom Segura?

  Just loving it.

• 1:18:42Speaker 07

  Just baller.

• 1:18:42Tom Segura?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:18:43Speaker 07

  And I, I park it on Los Feliz Boulevard and I come out in the morning and it's just, it's totaled. It's legitimately totaled. You can't fix it. That's that. And then somehow the car that hit it kept going.

• 1:18:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  Damn.

• 1:18:56Speaker 07

  Nutty. Fucking nutty.

• 1:18:58Tom Segura?

  It's insane.

• 1:18:59Speaker 07

  Definitely drunks.

• 1:18:59Tom Segura?

  There was one time when I lived on Silver Lake Boulevard, I'm in the back room and I hear what I thought was an explosion.

• 1:19:07Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:19:07Tom Segura?

  I thought it was a grenade. I really thought that somebody had thrown a grenade. I was like, holy shit. And I run out to the front yard and it was my cousin's girlfriend's car was parked and somebody had hit it at like 50 miles an hour.

• 1:19:22Speaker 07

  Oh my god.

• 1:19:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Drunks dude.

• 1:19:23Tom Segura?

  Demolished it. Yeah. So goddamn loud. Terrifying.

• 1:19:27Speaker 07

  It is. It definitely is. I think I even heard it, but I was like, it didn't, it didn't seem like it applied to me. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Then I went to bed.

• 1:19:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Good night.

• 1:19:35Speaker 07

  And woke up and I was like, oh shit.

• 1:19:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck dude.

• 1:19:39Tom Segura?

  Did it get, you get like a?

• 1:19:40Speaker 07

  I got so much money from it.

• 1:19:41Tom Segura?

  You did? Okay. That's cool.

• 1:19:44Speaker 07

  Five figures.

• 1:19:45Tom Segura?

  I'm sure, I'm sure they're gonna hook me up. The insurance people on this one.

• 1:19:48Speaker 07

  Oh yeah. That's your next seven weeks, bro. Just taking care of this problem.

• 1:19:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the worst part of car drama is that. It's like now you need to have the temporary car while they fix it. And then the part didn't, not gonna come in for another month. It's the hassle.

• 1:20:04Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:20:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, I hate that kind of stuff. Such a waste of your life.

• 1:20:09Speaker 07

  That's, that's your whole life practically.

• 1:20:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, it's your fucking life when your car gets messed with.

• 1:20:13Tom Segura?

  This fucking meth addict.

• 1:20:15Christina Pazsitzky?

  Was she on drugs? Did she seem like she was high?

• 1:20:18Tom Segura?

  No, just some dumb broad, just like.

• 1:20:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dumb broad.

• 1:20:20Tom Segura?

  Yeah, just.

• 1:20:21Speaker 07

  Entitled, not concerned about someone else.

• 1:20:23Tom Segura?

  She knew she did it and she started to go like, she was like, no, I go, no, no, no. Like, I watched, I literally watched it.

• 1:20:28Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:20:29Tom Segura?

  I go, I watched you do it. She was like, I don't think so.

• 1:20:31Speaker 07

  I think, I think we're looking at a society that lives like this now. Not everybody, but some people.

• 1:20:36Tom Segura?

  She did it and was like, I'm leaving, you know?

• 1:20:37Speaker 07

  Yeah. See you in court, bitch.

• 1:20:40Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck. Although I do have to say Texans are usually very honorable and cool.

• 1:20:47Speaker 07

  And especially about, especially about vehicles.

• 1:20:50Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:50Speaker 07

  Like, that's like a church. Like, your vehicle is an extension of yourself.

• 1:20:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:56Speaker 07

  And you, you, you extend that courtesy to people because you want it coming back your way.

• 1:21:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dude, when we were, I got in a hit and run, drunks.

• 1:21:04Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:21:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  Blew the red light and hit my car. I was doing the right thing, they were doing the wrong thing. My children were in the car.

• 1:21:11Speaker 07

  Oh.

• 1:21:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  But thankfully, nobody was hurt, but, you know, it fucked up the car. Anyway, this citizen, this Texan man, saw what happened, chased down.

• 1:21:22Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:21:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  The guys that hit and run me and brought them to me.

• 1:21:25Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:21:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Ma'am, I believe these are the ones that hit your car.

• 1:21:28Speaker 07

  He rounded them up.

• 1:21:29Tom Segura?

  He did.

• 1:21:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Rounded them the fuck up. And I was like, this is Texas, only in Texas. Yeah.

• 1:21:33Speaker 07

  That's nice.

• 1:21:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  I was so blown away.

• 1:21:35Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:21:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  I sent him a thank you back.

• 1:21:36Speaker 07

  That's beautiful.

• 1:21:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  He's our neighbor. Nice guy.

• 1:21:39Tom Segura?

  Um, well, this is, this is a little palate cleanser.

• 1:21:41Speaker 07

  Okay, okay, yeah, sure. As if the pee video wasn't.

• 1:21:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pee video? No big deal. Oh.

• 1:21:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  Fuck, dude.

• 1:21:55Speaker 07

  I, I don't want any part of that.

• 1:21:57Tom Segura?

  Oh, man.

• 1:21:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  I don't like that either.

• 1:21:58Speaker 07

  You know?

• 1:21:59Tom Segura?

  Did you used to do that stuff? Yeah, I know you used to skateboard.

• 1:22:01Speaker 07

  I was a skateboarder, so I didn't have time for this nonsense. I was destroying my body in other ways.

• 1:22:06Tom Segura?

  Did you ever get really hurt skateboarding?

• 1:22:08Speaker 07

  Fuck, yeah, all the time, dude. I can't believe I used to do it. Like, you're, you're, you're falling from the top of a half pipe all the way to the flap. Bottom like nine, 10 feet. And that's not even the biggest ramps to skate and you're just landing on your hip. One time I flew off the side of a half pipe and landed right on a jump ramp that was like this.

• 1:22:29Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:29Speaker 07

  Took the nesty plunge right on on top of this like you name it, dude. I rolled ankles.

• 1:22:35Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:35Speaker 07

  Uh, never broke any bones and I fucked myself up in 2020. I fucked up my hand skateboarding and I'm like,

• 1:22:41Tom Segura?

  That's it.

• 1:22:41Speaker 07

  I made it this far. I'm not pushing this. This is stupid.

• 1:22:45Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:45Speaker 07

  Cause you can't just do it all willy nilly at once every three months.

• 1:22:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:22:49Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, especially at our age.

• 1:22:51Speaker 07

  Mm hmm.

• 1:22:52Tom Segura?

  I've seen.

• 1:22:53Speaker 07

  That's what I'm trying not to say.

• 1:22:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You gotta be like Tony Hawk, you know?

• 1:22:55Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:22:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  He gotta be like.

• 1:22:55Tom Segura?

  He got fucked up.

• 1:22:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:22:57Speaker 07

  Tony Hawk got fucked up and even the last documentary was like kind of a dark thing where like Stacy Perelta, his, his mentor was like, he's, he's, he's gonna hurt himself. Like he's kinda gotta slow down. But Tony Hawk can't slow down because he's just got it in him, you know? It's just one of those things.

• 1:23:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  The drive.

• 1:23:14Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:23:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  I know.

• 1:23:15Speaker 07

  It's like the movie The Wrestler, but way better. Sorry, Tony. I love you. I love you, Tony. Keep skating.

• 1:23:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, he's the best. I don't like what I'm about to see. Oh, that's my worst nightmare. I think about this all the time happening to me.

• 1:23:29Tom Segura?

  But then she's, she can't, she can't get up.

• 1:23:32Speaker 07

  Oh, no.

• 1:23:33Tom Segura?

  Cause it just keeps moving.

• 1:23:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is my worst fear. This is literally what I think about.

• 1:23:37Speaker 07

  Is this her first time?

• 1:23:39Christina Pazsitzky?

  I think she's old.

• 1:23:40Speaker 07

  I did so much better. Even as a child.

• 1:23:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just steady yourself, bitch. Grab the side. Come on, get it together.

• 1:23:49Tom Segura?

  Endlessly falling downstairs. She's like, I'm almost there.

• 1:23:53Speaker 07

  I'm hoping this is a security camera and not someone just watching.

• 1:23:57Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's just fucked. Get up.

• 1:23:59Speaker 07

  Or stay still, one or the other.

• 1:24:02Tom Segura?

  All right, just get to the top.

• 1:24:04Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:24:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  Just get upright, bitch. There you go. Yeah, she.

• 1:24:09Tom Segura?

  No, she didn't.

• 1:24:10Christina Pazsitzky?

  No.

• 1:24:12Speaker 07

  Then she gets up there and somebody pees on it.

• 1:24:14Tom Segura?

  Coming to help.

• 1:24:15Speaker 07

  Oh, no.

• 1:24:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, they had to.

• 1:24:18Tom Segura?

  Someone finally stopped it. So she fell down like 65 stairs.

• 1:24:22Speaker 07

  My God. Yeah. I did the Stairmaster for about a half an hour, you know, got some exercise.

• 1:24:32Tom Segura?

  That's the equivalent of like 10 stories.

• 1:24:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  So I always worry about that.

• 1:24:37Speaker 07

  I fell down the Empire State Building stairwell today.

• 1:24:41Tom Segura?

  Do you really worry about that?

• 1:24:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, because on escalators, I'm always with my kids who like pull me back.

• 1:24:47Tom Segura?

  Oh, right.

• 1:24:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  You know what I mean? I almost fell down the fucking stairs because my kid was pulling me. And I'm like, dude, this is gonna happen to us. Like, you're gonna pull me back and I'm gonna fall down the escalator and it'll suck me up under the things and then I'll be gone forever.

• 1:24:59Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:59Speaker 07

  There's a lot that can go wrong with an escalator.

• 1:25:03Tom Segura?

  Oh, that was so good.

• 1:25:05Speaker 07

  That was incredible entertainment, though. It sucks, you know, you sit down and you're right and you're right and you're right, but how can you top that?

• 1:25:12Tom Segura?

  I know. A 70-year-old woman just continuously falling is not.

• 1:25:18Speaker 07

  What if you live your whole life and you're a great person? You've done all these things, you've rose, you know, raised a family and then like this is your moment. This is your moment.

• 1:25:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is your viral moment.

• 1:25:27Speaker 07

  You're old, you're out of touch, you don't even know how to do an escalator.

• 1:25:29Tom Segura?

  Her grandkids love this, by the way. They're for sure like, you know, watch that thing again, granny.

• 1:25:35Christina Pazsitzky?

  Can I see the beginning, the genesis of the fall?

• 1:25:37Tom Segura?

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:25:38Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, how does this start?

• 1:25:40Speaker 07

  She's doing great.

• 1:25:41Tom Segura?

  No, but she's holding on really.

• 1:25:42Christina Pazsitzky?

  And she's leaning back, see? She's leaning back.

• 1:25:45Tom Segura?

  Tight, weird.

• 1:25:45Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the problem.

• 1:25:46Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:46Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's leaning.

• 1:25:47Tom Segura?

  That hurt right there. That one really fucked her up.

• 1:25:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's the problem is she hurt herself.

• 1:25:51Tom Segura?

  She's fucked up right there.

• 1:25:52Speaker 07

  And she's like, well, at least that's over.

• 1:25:54Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so slow.

• 1:25:58Speaker 07

  Oh, someone is filming this. See how it went sideways? Like.

• 1:26:02Tom Segura?

  But it looks fixed.

• 1:26:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:26:06Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's like, I'm almost out. I'm almost out. Oh, damn.

• 1:26:09Tom Segura?

  Well, it's the guy in the security rooms watching it having a good time.

• 1:26:12Speaker 07

  He's like eating a sandwich.

• 1:26:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  She's like, I can't, can't, can't.

• 1:26:16Tom Segura?

  He's like, should I press the button to stop it?

• 1:26:18Speaker 07

  Roy, you gotta check this out, man.

• 1:26:21Tom Segura?

  Look at her.

• 1:26:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, she's fucked up.

• 1:26:24Tom Segura?

  Dude, she's fucked up.

• 1:26:24Speaker 07

  She's on to something there.

• 1:26:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  Stop, just get right side.

• 1:26:27Speaker 07

  You're there, you're there. You got it, you got it, you got it, you got it?

• 1:26:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh.

• 1:26:32Tom Segura?

  Oh, that one right there.

• 1:26:33Christina Pazsitzky?

  Let go of the purse. Lose the purse. That's a problem. She was trying to hold the purse.

• 1:26:38Speaker 07

  And then what's your reward? You get to go to Target after this?

• 1:26:42Tom Segura?

  We think the head's gotta be fucked up.

• 1:26:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's the head first.

• 1:26:45Speaker 07

  Everything. Yeah, that's the most important.

• 1:26:47Christina Pazsitzky?

  She fell on her neck probably and that stunned her and then it was like she's disoriented, but then, yeah.

• 1:26:52Tom Segura?

  Doesn't part of you want to just go, are you stupid?

• 1:26:55Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yes, she is stupid.

• 1:26:56Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:56Speaker 07

  Whoa.

• 1:26:57Tom Segura?

  You don't know how to fucking ride this thing?

• 1:26:59Speaker 07

  She's missing some serious instincts.

• 1:27:01Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:01Speaker 07

  That it requires to be a human being.

• 1:27:03Tom Segura?

  Yeah, how does she, how is she?

• 1:27:05Speaker 07

  Because theoretically, it's easier than stairs.

• 1:27:07Tom Segura?

  The way that she got on too, tells me that's like, is this your first escalator ride?

• 1:27:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  Not both hands and she's leaning back.

• 1:27:12Tom Segura?

  She's holding on to it like this.

• 1:27:14Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:14Tom Segura?

  Like, that's not...

• 1:27:16Speaker 07

  She's leaning back.

• 1:27:17Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, she's leaning back, yeah. That's stupid.

• 1:27:19Speaker 07

  I had no idea, you know, this type of thing needs instructions, but clearly, some people could take a class.

• 1:27:24Christina Pazsitzky?

  She deserves this, is what you're saying.

• 1:27:26Tom Segura?

  That's what I'm trying to say, yeah.

• 1:27:28Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit, this stuff.

• 1:27:37Tom Segura?

  You see the guy in the foreground, on the, on the left here?

• 1:27:40Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:27:41Tom Segura?

  Watch his body. Watch the way he reacts to that.

• 1:27:48Christina Pazsitzky?

  I mean, all those bones are broken, right?

• 1:27:50Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:27:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh, that's paralyzed.

• 1:27:52Speaker 07

  Your back, I mean, it's your back, you know?

• 1:27:53Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're done.

• 1:27:54Speaker 07

  It's strong, but...

• 1:27:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You're done.

• 1:27:57Speaker 07

  That's how you do it. That's how you do it.

• 1:27:59Tom Segura?

  Well, that's how you quit gymnastics.

• 1:28:01Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, right.

• 1:28:02Christina Pazsitzky?

  Force quit.

• 1:28:03Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:28:04Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, you're done.

• 1:28:04Speaker 07

  But you have to quit gymnastics pretty early anyway.

• 1:28:07Christina Pazsitzky?

  Oh shit. Let me guess, animal's gonna run in? I feel like an animal's coming.

• 1:28:19Tom Segura?

  She's okay.

• 1:28:19Speaker 07

  Are we watching a terrorist attack right now?

• 1:28:21Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is this Hamas or whatever?

• 1:28:22Tom Segura?

  Uh, she just had a leaky gas line, I think.

• 1:28:24Speaker 07

  Oh, okay.

• 1:28:25Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is terrible.

• 1:28:26Speaker 07

  Oh, ha ha ha ha.

• 1:28:29Christina Pazsitzky?

  Tom, you got real mental problems. You guys are fucked, you know that?

• 1:28:34Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:34Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's terrible.

• 1:28:35Tom Segura?

  Well, you know what? You gotta get your gas lines checked and that's what this whole episode's been about.

• 1:28:39Speaker 07

  Okay.

• 1:28:39Tom Segura?

  You guys gotta pay attention to how your gas lines are lined up.

• 1:28:42Speaker 07

  Details at fullcharge.com.

• 1:28:44Tom Segura?

  There you go.

• 1:28:44Christina Pazsitzky?

  Is anybody laughing at that clip? I mean, is that?

• 1:28:47Tom Segura?

  I believe Josh did.

• 1:28:52Speaker 07

  Well, that counts for something.

• 1:28:53Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:54Speaker 07

  That's like a percentage here.

• 1:28:55Tom Segura?

  He liked it.

• 1:28:56Christina Pazsitzky?

  You like that, Josh?

• 1:28:57Tom Segura?

  Alright, that was, I mean, just one more time.

• 1:29:00Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, no, we can't leave on this.

• 1:29:04Tom Segura?

  I make all the dinner for my family.

• 1:29:11Speaker 07

  Can we watch the pee video again?

• 1:29:13Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, I mean, you can't leave the audience on a woman getting blown up in her own kitchen.

• 1:29:17Tom Segura?

  She's, she's fine. She got up.

• 1:29:18Christina Pazsitzky?

  This is not fine, babe. I can't leave the show on this.

• 1:29:21Speaker 07

  If it starts with Hitler, it ends with terrorism.

• 1:29:23Christina Pazsitzky?

  Yeah, this episode is so dark.

• 1:29:25Tom Segura?

  Okay.

• 1:29:26Christina Pazsitzky?

  Where are we?

• 1:29:27Tom Segura?

  Let me find you something.

• 1:29:28Speaker 13

  To all the other countries that wonder and say that Americans are just fat and lazy and they don't do anything to better themselves. This is what a hundred and fifteen dollars gets you. Let me show you.

• 1:29:41Speaker 13

  We were able to get some Ritz crackers, one thing of cereal, some ramen, more ramen, tuna, bag of potatoes.

• 1:29:48Tom Segura?

  That's super inspiring.

• 1:29:49Speaker 13

  A few of potatoes.

• 1:29:49Christina Pazsitzky?

  Donuts.

• 1:29:50Speaker 13

  Snacks, desserts.

• 1:29:51Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, those aren't snacks, dessert.

• 1:29:52Speaker 13

  Chips, ice creams.

• 1:29:54Christina Pazsitzky?

  Funnions, Fritos.

• 1:29:55Speaker 13

  Pizza rolls. Some sausage biscuits. One thing of Dr. Pepper.

• 1:30:00Tom Segura?

  One thing.

• 1:30:01Speaker 13

  All of this for a hundred and fifteen dollars.

• 1:30:08Speaker 07

  So I can get a crack rock for fifty bucks. Am I supposed to buy, do I, am I inclined to buy it?

• 1:30:12Tom Segura?

  She's like, this is why we're fat?

• 1:30:14Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:30:14Tom Segura?

  That's her point?

• 1:30:15Speaker 07

  She's saying it's too easy to be fat, so you gotta be fat, is what she just said.

• 1:30:20Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's a good, it's a compelling line.

• 1:30:21Tom Segura?

  It is a good argument.

• 1:30:22Christina Pazsitzky?

  It's so easy.

• 1:30:23Speaker 07

  And a hundred and thirteen bucks is still, still kind of a lot for all that shitty food.

• 1:30:28Tom Segura?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:28Speaker 07

  Like, none of it even looked good.

• 1:30:30Christina Pazsitzky?

  No, she's picking the wrong things.

• 1:30:31Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:30:32Christina Pazsitzky?

  Like, where's your puffy Cheetos? Where's the cheese pops?

• 1:30:35Tom Segura?

  Well, see, everyone has different preferences.

• 1:30:37Christina Pazsitzky?

  Pop tarts. I would get tarts.

• 1:30:39Tom Segura?

  You'll like this. I got the one.

• 1:30:40Speaker 07

  Where's your thing of Diet Coke?

• 1:30:41Tom Segura?

  This'll, this'll make you happy on the way out.

• 1:30:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  Dr. Pepper I like.

• 1:30:44Tom Segura?

  Here we go.

• 1:30:45Speaker 05

  You can't wait for me to go to work because I need my me time. What does that me time mean? What does that mean? You know.

• 1:30:56Speaker 05

  You know. No, I don't know. Yes, you do know. Tell me, I don't know.

• 1:31:05Christina Pazsitzky?

  You thought this would cheer me up?

• 1:31:07Speaker 05

  Oh, are you jacking off? Ma! Oh, fuck.

• 1:31:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's his mom?

• 1:31:12Speaker 07

  I wonder if he keeps the crucifix necklace on? While he jerks it.

• 1:31:16Christina Pazsitzky?

  Babe, that did not cheer me up.

• 1:31:17Speaker 07

  Why?

• 1:31:18Tom Segura?

  Cute.

• 1:31:18Speaker 07

  I thought it was light, cute, fun. Everybody wins, she has a job, he gets to jerk off.

• 1:31:23Tom Segura?

  Yeah, come on.

• 1:31:24Speaker 07

  It's a happy ending.

• 1:31:25Tom Segura?

  How do you not like that? How do you not like that?

• 1:31:28Speaker 14

  That makes the American dream possible. We will fart hard, fight hard for the freedom to vote.

• 1:31:33Speaker 07

  God damn it.

• 1:31:36Christina Pazsitzky?

  That's what I'm talking about. Now you got it. Now you got it. We will fart hard, fight hard.

• 1:31:42Speaker 07

  Fart hard.

• 1:31:43Christina Pazsitzky?

  I gotta vote for this guy. Who is this guy like this guy?

• 1:31:45Tom Segura?

  Make sure you go see Matt Foulster on The Full Charge on the Bro adjacent tour at... Tickets are at thefullcharge.com. Of course, we also let you know that YMH Live is back on Friday, March 7th at 7:30 PM Central Time. It's our biggest YMH Live yet. Special guest Dan Soder is joining us and there's a $10,000 giveaway. Go to ymhstudios.com for more information and get your tickets.

• 1:32:11Christina Pazsitzky?

  And fart hard.

• 1:32:12Tom Segura?

  And fart hard and this nation will never not fart hard for our freedom. Uh, that's it. Thank you, Matt, for coming.

• 1:32:18Speaker 07

  Guys, thank you so much. Always great to see you. Thanks for having me. You guys are the best.

• 1:32:22Tom Segura?

  Let's find that car that hit me. All right, we'll see you guys later.

• 1:32:25Speaker 07

  So much to do.

• 1:32:30Tom Segura?

  Do we have any Asians in here?

• 1:33:35Speaker 00

  I know, I'm white. White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white. White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white. White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white. White, white, white, white, white, white, white. Ah! You! (laughing)