Hadrian's Wall

Dead Funny History: Hadrian's Wall. Join historian Greg Jenner for a hilarious and fascinating family adventure through ancient Britain, exploring the History of Hadrian’s Wall, one of the most iconic landmarks of the Roman Empire. Rome meets Britain When the Romans first invaded Britain, they weren’t prepared for the chilly weather, the fierce tribes or how long it would take to build their empire. From Julius Caesar’s half-hearted invasions to Emperor Claudius’s chilly conquest, Greg Jenner whizzes through the centuries of Roman rule with his trademark wit and sketches. Enter Emperor Hadrian! Then along comes the main man himself: Hadrian. The bearded emperor with a love of architecture, art, and… his boyfriend Antinous. With comedy flair, Greg tells how Hadrian rose to power, toured the empire, and decided to solve his northern problem by building a giant wall across Britain. Hadrian’s Wall stretched 80 Roman miles, from coast to coast. A monumental feat of engineering that marked the edge of the empire. But was it an impenetrable defence, or just an ancient form of border control (with a bit of extra tax collection on the side)? Behind the wall Greg and the Dead Funny History cast bring the world of Roman soldiers to life, complete with bustling forts, bakeries, temples, hospitals and toga shops! There’s even a few unfortunate emperors who discovered that visiting York didn’t always end well… With jokes, sketches and sharp historical insight, this episode turns stone and history into laughter and learning for children, families and anyone curious about ancient Britain. The afterlife of a wall From the Romans’ chilly retreat to the medieval locals who recycled Hadrian’s Wall into castles, churches and pigsties, Greg reveals how this monumental structure survived and how it later became a treasured World Heritage Site. History has never been this funny Packed with facts, puns and fast-paced fun, Dead Funny History – Hadrian’s Wall makes the Roman past lively and unforgettable. Perfect for curious kids, history-loving families, and fans of Greg Jenner’s clever storytelling. Writers: Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch, and Dr Emma Nagouse Host: Greg Jenner Performers: Mali Ann Rees and Richard David-Caine Producer: Dr Emma Nagouse Associate Producer: Gabby Hutchinson Crouch Researcher: Dr Emmie Rose Price-Goodfellow Audio producer: Emma Weatherill Script consultant: Dr Andrew Birley Production Coordinator: Liz Tuohy Jo Kyle: Production Manager Studio Managers: Keith Graham and Andrew Garratt Sound Designer: Peregrine Andrews A BBC Studios Production

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:09Greg Jenner?

  Hello and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner. I'm a historian and I want to tell you about something cool. If you live in the north of England or in Scotland, you might have seen it. You might even live next door to it. It is the ancient grand design that marked the northern edge of the Roman Empire. It is, of course, Hadrian's Wall. It's me, Emperor Hadrian, and this is my mighty wall. People of Britain, marvel at it. Hold your horses, Hadrian. It's not your bit yet. Fine. To explain how the wall was built, we first have to go back to when the Romans first arrived in Britain, almost 200 years before Hadrian was emperor.

• 1:50Greg Jenner?

  It was 55 BCE, and Julius Caesar was getting fed up with Britain's messing up his war with the Gauls in what is now France. The Britons kept harboring Gaulish rebels and sending them aid. At least, that's what Caesar said.

• 2:03Speaker 04

  Attention, Britain. Stop doing that. No! Right, that's it. I'm invading. Oh, we're so scared.

• 2:18Greg Jenner?

  First time around, Caesar didn't bring enough soldiers to actually conquer the Britons, so it was a bit of a stalemate. But Caesar's second invasion, in 54 BCE, went a bit better. This was largely because the British tribes were doing what they do best: fighting amongst themselves. This time, Caesar just about managed to get north of the River Thames in southern England, and then he sort of just gave up and went back to Gaul. That's too chilly. Bye! The full-on Roman invasion of Britain only happened 100 years later, when they had an exciting new emperor, Claudius. Hooray! Following the assassination of the previous emperor, Caligula. Oh!

• 3:00Speaker 04

  I'll just take everyone's minds off that little assassination by conquering Britain.

• 3:06Greg Jenner?

  Hooray! Claudius meant business. He brought 40,000 soldiers and quickly advanced north of the Thames, and then built a military base in what is now Colchester. And he did all of that in 16 days. And then he left to go and have a victory parade back in Rome.

• 3:22Speaker 04

  Oh, it's too chilly. Bye!

• 3:26Greg Jenner?

  But conquering the rest of Britannia, as the Romans called it, was harder. In particular, the Romans struggled to occupy Caledonia, which is now Scotland. Battles with Caledonians were a regular occurrence, and the Romans needed something to stop them, and to mark the edge of their empire. Is it me now? Yes, Hadrian, it's you now. Great. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da, it's me, Hadrian! Hadrian was born in 76 CE, in Rome. His family were Spanish nobles from a town near what is now Seville in Spain.

• 4:01Greg Jenner?

  Very different vibes to northern Britain.

• 4:06Greg Jenner?

  But Hadrian wasn't going to go to Britain for ages yet. Sadly, both of Hadrian's parents died when he was young, but a couple of wealthy relatives became his guardians. One of them was Marcus Opius Tryanus, who gave Hadrian an education and loads of military work placements in various parts of the empire. And then, when Hadrian was in his twenties...

• 4:30Greg Jenner?

  His guardian, Marcus Olpius Tryonus, was made Emperor Trajan. Hadrian now married the new Emperor Trajan's grand niece, Sabina, and took on a load of important political roles.

• 4:43Speaker 05

  Okay, here's Hades' top tips for success. One, get born rich. That's an important one. Two, have your legal guardian end up emperor. Oh yeah. And three, that's it, sorted.

• 4:57Greg Jenner?

  But then Hadrian fell out with Emperor Trajan, which presumably made family dinners a little bit awkward.

• 5:03Speaker 05

  Uh oh, a consequence, Hades don't like it.

• 5:07Greg Jenner?

  Instead, Hadrian went travelling and ended up in Greece, which he really loved.

• 5:13Speaker 05

  Oh yeah, Hades do like it. Nice weather, great art, cool hipster beard.

• 5:19Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, he really did like the Greek trend for facial hair and grew his own big curly beard, which was very unusual for clean-shaven Roman men at the time.

• 5:28Speaker 05

  And I tell you what Hades really like it. The dudes are so handsome.

• 5:34Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, Hadrian may have been married to Sabina, but he had a load of boyfriends.

• 5:39Speaker 05

  Hey now, don't make it sound like Hades was a player. I did have one true love. Antinous.

• 5:47Greg Jenner?

  We'll get to Antinous in a bit. I still haven't said how you become the Roman emperor yet.

• 5:51Speaker 05

  Oh, that, yeah, fine, get on with it. But just leave plenty of time for Antinous.

• 6:00Greg Jenner?

  In the year 117 CE, Emperor Trajan fell ill. And as he was dying, his wife, Plotina, said,

• 6:08Speaker 04

  Friends, romance. Uh, my husband just secretly whispered to me on his deathbed that he wants the next emperor to be Hadrian.

• 6:17Speaker 05

  Hadrian, who just happens to be your favourite relative?

• 6:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's just one of those wacky coincidences.

• 6:25Greg Jenner?

  Not only did Hadrian have Plotina on his team, but he also had the support of the eastern legions of the Roman army. Super helpful.

• 6:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, Emperor Hades. Right, now can we talk about Antinous?

• 6:37Greg Jenner?

  Fine, do you want the harp?

• 6:40Speaker 05

  Obviously.

• 6:41Greg Jenner?

  Okay. Antinous?

• 6:44Speaker 04

  Hi.

• 6:45Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, he was a countryside lad from a Greek colony called Bithynia. He was very handsome, and Hadrian was obsessed.

• 6:53Speaker 05

  Hey, that's not fair. I just had a few busts of him made.

• 6:58Speaker 04

  And sculptures.

• 7:00Speaker 05

  That's just normal boyfriend stuff, babe.

• 7:03Speaker 04

  And you dedicated noblist to me that said I was really fit and clever.

• 7:07Speaker 05

  Hey, I'm just an all-powerful emperor in love.

• 7:10Greg Jenner?

  At this point, you might be wondering, what about Sabina, his wife?

• 7:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, eh, what about me, his wife?

• 7:16Greg Jenner?

  Well, they didn't get on at all. But Hadrian never dumped Sabina, and he may not have treated her very well either. But she had a very close pal called Julia, who some historians think may have been her girlfriend.

• 7:28Speaker 05

  Why are you talking about my wife? Get back to Antinous.

• 7:33Greg Jenner?

  Well, sadly, Antinous drowned in the River Nile in 130 C.E. And Hadrian reacted to this in his usual understated way.

• 7:42Speaker 05

  Right, I shall have Antinous declared a god, obviously, and I'll start a religious cult in his name and build a whole city in Egypt called Antinopolis in his honour.

• 7:53Speaker 04

  Flowers for my grave would also be fine.

• 7:56Greg Jenner?

  Hadrian really did love building stuff, and was actually a very hard-working and productive emperor. The Pantheon Temple in Rome had burned down under Emperor Nero decades earlier, so Hadrian had it rebuilt. He also built a massive library, and a temple, and lots of other impressive structures. Plus, he travelled around the empire a lot more than other Roman emperors. And in the year 122 C.E., he finally visited that cold and difficult northern border in Britannia.

• 8:25Speaker 05

  Oof, you've had some real Caledonian cowboys in here. Hadrian no like it this cold mess. I'm gonna fix it by building something absolutely massive.

• 8:37Greg Jenner?

  So Hadrian built a huge wall that ran for 80 Roman miles from Walshend in Tyne and Wear on the east coast of northern England, to Bonnesh on Solway on the west coast of northern England.

• 8:49Speaker 05

  Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. My masterpiece, Hadrian's Wall. Okay, check out my plans. Three metres wide, 4.5 metres tall, with a huge ditch to catch any naughty invaders.

• 9:07Speaker 05

  Every mile, there will be a fortified gateway. That's eighty forts. Hadrian really like it, eighty forty.

• 9:14Greg Jenner?

  At least that was the plan. It didn't actually happen like that.

• 9:18Speaker 05

  Aww.

• 9:19Greg Jenner?

  The wall had to be narrower, and they ditched a lot of the ditches as the British soil was just too stony to dig through.

• 9:26Speaker 05

  But it still looked great, right?

• 9:28Greg Jenner?

  Kinda. I mean, it started well, but the more they built, the worse the quality got. A bit like making a poster with a pen that's running out of ink.

• 9:36Speaker 05

  Oh, fool.

• 9:38Greg Jenner?

  It wasn't as if the wall was supposed to be this big, impenetrable barrier. It was more like a militarized border control, stopping raids from Caledonia and creating crossing points where travelers could be searched and taxed.

• 9:51Speaker 05

  Tax? More money for me? Hadrian like it.

• 9:54Greg Jenner?

  The wall itself was built by Roman soldiers.

• 9:57Speaker 04

  Saluer. A sou rouman say hello.

• 10:00Greg Jenner?

  But it was manned by auxiliaries. Those were foreign soldiers from the rest of the Roman Empire.

• 10:06Speaker 04

  Hello. That's how non-Romans in England say hello.

• 10:10Greg Jenner?

  And the forts built into the wall also housed soldiers, such as the Housdids Fort near Hexham, which you can still visit today. There you can see a huge rectangular complex with room not just for soldiers,

• 10:24Greg Jenner?

  but also places of worship. A hospital.

• 10:31Greg Jenner?

  A granary for storing grain. A bakery. In fact, excavations have shown that some forts had whole towns built around them for soldiers' families and would have included houses and shops and drinking taverns. Will you be quiet? My point is, they were big bustling communities. But what happened to Hadrian's Wall after Hadrian? Well, in 142 CE, the Romans built a new wall, even further north, under the orders of a new emperor called Antoninus Pius.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  Antennas.

• 11:08Greg Jenner?

  No, different guy.

• 11:10Speaker 05

  Aww.

• 11:11Greg Jenner?

  This was known as the Antonine Wall, and it stretched between the Forth and Clyde rivers and represented the new border of the Roman Empire. It was a bit like a sequel to Hadrian's Wall.

• 11:22Speaker 05

  Hadrian's Wall Two. This time, it's northerrrrr. It's more north.

• 11:29Greg Jenner?

  However, by 160 CE, the Romans had retreated and were back at Old Hadrian's Wall again. But undeterred, the Romans tried again to conquer Caledonia. There was Emperor Septimius Severus in 208 CE.

• 11:43Speaker 04

  I will defeat those awful Caledonians once and for all. Hooray! But first, I will stop off in York. Because I just feel a tiny bit ill.

• 11:57Greg Jenner?

  Yeah, despite a three-year war in Caledonia, Severus failed and died in York. Then in 305 CE, Emperor Constantine Clorus came up to take on a new Scottish enemy.

• 12:10Speaker 04

  I will defeat those awful pigs once and for all. Hooray! But first, I will stop off in York. I just feel a tiny bit ill.

• 12:22Greg Jenner?

  And he also died in York. What is it about Roman emperors dying in York? York, where Roman emperors come to die. Hadrian's Wall was fully occupied right up until the year 410 CE, when the exhausted Romans said,

• 12:38Speaker 04

  Oh, it's too chilly. Bye.

• 12:41Greg Jenner?

  And after that, the wall was used by local communities.

• 12:43Speaker 05

  Okay, when you say 'used', do you mean they kept it in the pristine lovely condition that I left it here?

• 12:49Greg Jenner?

  Uh, not exactly. Medieval people used it as a stone quarry to build castles, churches, homes and farms.

• 12:56Speaker 05

  Wait, so my wall was used to make pigsty's? He didn't like it.

• 13:01Greg Jenner?

  It wasn't until the 18th and 19th centuries that people decided that this was a historical monument that should be preserved and studied. Now, Hadrian's Wall is a World Heritage Site and it's one of the most famous walls in the country.

• 13:15Speaker 05

  Aww, he didn't like it.

• 13:18Greg Jenner?

  So how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils at the ready. Question one: Who was the first Roman to invade Britain?

• 13:31Greg Jenner?

  Julius Caesar. Question two: Hadrian's Wall separated the northern edge of the Roman Empire from which land?

• 13:42Speaker 04

  Caledonia, aka Scotland.

• 13:46Greg Jenner?

  And question three: Who was Hadrian's boyfriend who had a whole city built in his honour?

• 13:55Greg Jenner?

  Antinous.

• 13:59Greg Jenner?

  Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. Thank you for listening. Bye. This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson-Crouch and Dr Emma Nagouse. The researcher was Dr Emmy Rose Price Goodfellow. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malian Rees and Richard David Caine. The script consultant was Dr Andrew Birley.

• 14:32Speaker 06

  Welcome to The Haunted Library. Join me, Colin Morgan, as I read Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.

• 14:42Speaker 06

  A story of science and ambition, loneliness and longing, and what it truly means to be human. Listen to The Haunted Library wherever you get your podcasts, or find us on YouTube.