Daniel Sloss: Nothing Is Off Limits | WhiskeyGinger

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino sits down with Scottish comedy powerhouse Daniel Sloss for a conversation about stand-up, fatherhood, marriage, cancel culture, writing jokes that make audiences uncomfortable, and why the best comedy usually lives somewhere people are afraid to go. Daniel has built a career on tackling subjects most comics avoid, and somehow making them both hilarious and deeply human. The two dive into touring the world, finding the line (and crossing it), life after becoming a dad, and why audiences are still hungry for comedy that actually says something. As always, Santino keeps things loose while Daniel delivers the kind of brutally honest perspective that's made him one of the most respected stand-ups in the world. Check out Daniel's latest comedy special, CAN'T, now streaming exclusively on his website, and find dates for his worldwide BITTER tour:https://danielsloss.com Follow Daniel Sloss:https://www.instagram.com/danielsloss Follow Andrew Santino:https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger:https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #DanielSloss #ComedyPodcast =================================================== This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Bet on a match and get Bonus Bets for every goal scored in that match http://fanduel.com MARS MEN For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men https://mengotomars.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by FanDuel. Hey, Whiskey Ginger fans, I got one more show, St. Charles slash St. Louis. It's one and the same, they're right next to each other. Come out and see me, St. Louis, August 7th. That's my last show of the year as of now. Next year, I'm gonna be bopping around the country. Uh, but come out and see me, St. Charles slash St. Louis, August 7th. Go to Andrew Santino dot com for those tickets. You know what it is, it's Andrew Santino dot com.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 0:30Speaker 02

  Who that creature in the ginger beard?

• 0:32Speaker 01

  It's dirty and ginger.

• 0:34Speaker 02

  Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

• 0:36Speaker 03

  Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell no.

• 0:42Speaker 02

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.

• 0:48Andrew Santino?

  Hey, Joe, say hi to my editor, Joe, in that camera right there.

• 0:51Speaker 04

  Hi, which one?

• 0:52Andrew Santino?

  Yours, that one.

• 0:53Speaker 04

  That one, hi, Joe, hi, Joe.

• 0:54Andrew Santino?

  Talk about not being a Hollywood guy, huh?

• 0:56Speaker 04

  I thought you've got a fat, girthy cock.

• 0:57Andrew Santino?

  He has probably the biggest cock in the editing biz.

• 1:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00Andrew Santino?

  As of now, though.

• 1:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01Andrew Santino?

  Cause he's gonna get overtaken pretty soon, he's older now.

• 1:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04Andrew Santino?

  The longer he's.

• 1:05Speaker 04

  Does he get smaller?

• 1:06Andrew Santino?

  They do.

• 1:06Speaker 04

  Are dicks Chinese?

• 1:07Andrew Santino?

  Do your dick?

• 1:08Speaker 04

  They get smaller?

• 1:08Andrew Santino?

  Your dick doesn't get smaller?

• 1:10Speaker 04

  My dick's huge. My, I have custom, I have custom made condoms.

• 1:14Andrew Santino?

  Do you really?

• 1:15Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:16Andrew Santino?

  Does Trojan do that?

• 1:17Speaker 04

  No, the Trojans are too small.

• 1:18Andrew Santino?

  They called you, they're like, we just can't handle this.

• 1:20Speaker 04

  We can't do it.

• 1:21Andrew Santino?

  We sent, you send them a photo, they're like, look, but, look, man.

• 1:23Speaker 04

  To get custom made condoms, you have to, there's a website called One Fit. You have to print out a ruler and you have to get yourself erect. And you have to measure the girth of your dick. And you have to measure the length of your dick. And you have to send this company the measurements. And that's how they, One Fit.

• 1:40Andrew Santino?

  Is he lying? No, I'm on it right now. One Fit? One, onecondoms.com.

• 1:44Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:45Andrew Santino?

  No chance. My one condom. And you had to do this?

• 1:48Speaker 04

  I've been doing it since I was 19.

• 1:49Andrew Santino?

  Just cause the girth of your, your, wow, and look at this. Oh, you're one of their lead sponsors.

• 1:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:55Andrew Santino?

  That's pretty incredible. So that, these are all photos of you.

• 1:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they want me to stop.

• 2:01Andrew Santino?

  Wait, this is like, there's a payment plan for this?

• 2:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, cause it's, it's, it's not subscription based.

• 2:07Andrew Santino?

  This is insane. That's insane, this is, I've never heard, have you heard of this before? Never in my entire, regular penis men don't have to worry about this kinda stuff. This is nothing we ever ran into our entire lives.

• 2:16Speaker 04

  I didn't, so my, my first girlfriend had never had sex before. So she'd never seen a penis before. So I didn't know that I had a big dick. I thought I had erectile dysfunction. Because whenever I was wearing regular condoms, it was cutting off the flow and I was going limp all the fucking time. I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought it was, and then when me and her broke up, I banged a girl like two months later. And she went, whoa.

• 2:40Andrew Santino?

  She went awesome. Although this is great.

• 2:43Speaker 04

  She was like, this is bad, I'm like, you're just saying that. She's like, I'm not just saying that. I love dick. Dick is so good.

• 2:52Andrew Santino?

  And you've got it.

• 2:52Speaker 04

  And this is, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:53Andrew Santino?

  You know what you're like, you're like one of those like hoopy cars that looks like shit, but the inside's in phenomenal. Like it's a white guy, but when you get inside, you're like, whoa, you decked it out. How much did you spend on the interior of this, is that houndstooth on the seats? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Dinner. My guest is one of my favorite people, know what they say, the problem I guess, but I mean, once again today, it's Daniel Sloss. We were talking about custom made condoms, we probably pulled that in.

• 3:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:16Andrew Santino?

  And you deserve it. Cheers for years.

• 3:18Speaker 04

  Buddy.

• 3:18Andrew Santino?

  Sorry about the United States measurements, apologize for all that.

• 3:21Speaker 04

  It's okay, I, it's a country you have more to apologize for.

• 3:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, let's start, tell me, tell me what we need to apologize for. Let's run down the list.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  First of all, look, why am I having a problem with immigration?

• 3:34Andrew Santino?

  What do they say to you at the border?

• 3:35Speaker 04

  Well, why am I, why am I, what are you talking about? Why, why am I having a problem with immigration?

• 3:39Andrew Santino?

  There's not a white speed lane? There's not like a white speed lane over there?

• 3:42Speaker 04

  You would think.

• 3:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, there should be.

• 3:43Speaker 04

  Like why, look, if you're gonna be the most racist country in the world.

• 3:46Andrew Santino?

  Number one.

• 3:47Speaker 04

  Can you be? Can you at least be cool about it?

• 3:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, be cool about it. Follow your own book.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  Come on, come on.

• 3:55Andrew Santino?

  You're waiting.

• 3:55Speaker 04

  We invented you.

• 3:56Andrew Santino?

  You did.

• 3:57Speaker 04

  We invented you as a country. Let me in.

• 4:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but we're messing it up, we're messing it up our way. We're doing it our way.

• 4:04Speaker 04

  You are like a teenager. Uh, cause you're the youngest.

• 4:07Andrew Santino?

  Going against dad?

• 4:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, you're, you're, you're the youngest country in the world apart from Estonia.

• 4:12Andrew Santino?

  Wait, timeout, we can't be the youngest anymore.

• 4:14Speaker 04

  No, no, you're not, no, there's, there's.

• 4:15Andrew Santino?

  There's a handful of newbies coming in.

• 4:17Speaker 04

  Soviet Union places.

• 4:19Andrew Santino?

  And what about? A couple of the stands are new. Like after. South Sudan is the youngest country. South Sudan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out huge fanbase.

• 4:29Speaker 04

  Lots of places that used to be the Ottoman Empire.

• 4:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 4:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. But 250 years old, you're a baby.

• 4:35Andrew Santino?

  We're a little baby.

• 4:36Speaker 04

  You're a little baby.

• 4:36Andrew Santino?

  But we're trying.

• 4:38Speaker 04

  You, and boy, are you making a scene.

• 4:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we're really kinda screwed up.

• 4:44Speaker 04

  You are like, somebody gave this teenager steroids and he's, not only is he fucking his mom, he's battering his dad. And he's killing his step dads. And we're like, whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, we didn't, we didn't molest you when you were a kid, what are you doing?

• 5:01Andrew Santino?

  Well, think about it like this, you remember when Justin Bieber got like $30 million at 15 years old? And we were like, everyone was like, he's acting crazy. You're like, what would you do at 15 with $10 million? You can't blame that kid for that. America, we got it all.

• 5:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:14Andrew Santino?

  You can't blame, we're babies, baby.

• 5:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:17Andrew Santino?

  You think we're not gonna drive the Ferrari and egg our neighbor's house?

• 5:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:21Andrew Santino?

  We got all the money.

• 5:22Speaker 04

  Just very quickly, you were showing me a clip earlier. I was just in Singapore. Uh, one thing I envy about you, apart from how handsome and beautiful and talented you are.

• 5:33Andrew Santino?

  Two handsome boys.

• 5:34Speaker 04

  Uh, is, you know, you're one of the, you're one of the few white men who gets the pass with accents.

• 5:41Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 5:42Speaker 04

  When I was in Singapore, me and my wife and my two perfect children, we get picked up by a Singapore man in a Singapore Uber. We saw a Ferrari on the road. And when this man said the word Ferrari. When this man said the word Ferrari in his accent, my wife from behind tapped me on the shoulder to just be like, don't. Mother, man, he was pointing out Ramborghini. He was pointing out fucking Rand, Randlovers. With, with, with his whole heart, he loved cars, he loved cars.

• 6:25Andrew Santino?

  He's a car guy.

• 6:26Speaker 04

  Filali.

• 6:27Andrew Santino?

  Filali.

• 6:28Speaker 04

  Eh, I, I was, I've never tipped an Uber driver in cash.

• 6:36Andrew Santino?

  But you know how they make, you know how they make films or songs for other countries with different, films with different titles? They should do that over there, just sell them as Filalys over there.

• 6:44Speaker 04

  Filalys, you know, you know, you know why it's called Lululemon?

• 6:47Andrew Santino?

  We talked about this on the show, I still think this is bullshit. I know this is a real story.

• 6:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:51Andrew Santino?

  But it feels like bullshit, right?

• 6:53Speaker 04

  It's, that's the most American thing I've ever heard in my life.

• 6:57Andrew Santino?

  Calling it Lululemon because Asians couldn't say, because they can, Ruru Remit, yeah, dude, that's the inventor. Don't get mad at us, the guy who started the company did that.

• 7:04Speaker 04

  He said, he said on the podcast, that's why.

• 7:07Andrew Santino?

  Oh, he's very blatant about it. It's on his Wikipedia. That's how like, he's like, oh yeah, that's why I did it. But also.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  That's why they called her Lucy Lou. Just a really racist dad.

• 7:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but you know what? Smart, good marketing, really good marketing, memorable. Wait, what, you're doing shows?

• 7:25Speaker 04

  She sounds like Scooby Doo.

• 7:26Andrew Santino?

  Were you doing shows in Singapore?

• 7:27Speaker 04

  I was.

• 7:28Andrew Santino?

  You do, huh?

• 7:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:30Andrew Santino?

  You're, you're one of the only, there's like seven international comedians, guys that can tour and sell well everywhere.

• 7:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:36Andrew Santino?

  You're one of like the seven.

• 7:38Speaker 04

  Oh, thank you, man.

• 7:38Andrew Santino?

  No, you, I mean, that's serious, I don't think there's, there's only so many people that can do it, like, American based comedians that try. Um, some of them can get away with it to a, to a degree, but it's just not.

• 7:49Speaker 04

  Well, so originally, like when I was super fucking young, the first internet comics of the world were Pablo Francisco.

• 7:57Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god, dude, I saw him live at Tempe when I was, my, my, my college girlfriend took me to go see him live.

• 8:02Speaker 04

  He was, he was, and, and Russell Pierce was the two, they just, before YouTube was even fucking YouTube.

• 8:09Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 8:09Speaker 04

  They, back when LimeWire and Kazaa and all these.

• 8:13Andrew Santino?

  I love Kazaa, stole so much music from Kazaa.

• 8:16Speaker 04

  God, I watched the worst porn I've ever watched in my life when I was 14 years old.

• 8:20Andrew Santino?

  Some of the worst, some of the best.

• 8:21Speaker 04

  Yeah. I wish there was a website where it was just all the worst perverts in the world. And what I could do is I could go, hey, I remember masturbating to a video like this when I was 14 years old. I've never found it since. Can I have a nostalgic mic? Like if I, if I describe this video to enough perverts anonymously, one of them's gonna have the video.

• 8:42Andrew Santino?

  One of them? I would say thousands of them, dude, there is a, there has gotta be a massive community of guys digging up stuff that we loved when we were kids.

• 8:49Speaker 04

  Heather Brook, baby. That's Heather fucking Brook.

• 8:52Andrew Santino?

  Was that one of your number ones?

• 8:53Speaker 04

  When I was 15 years old?

• 8:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 8:55Speaker 04

  Heather Brook.

• 8:56Andrew Santino?

  You know what's so funny is Jenna Jameson was kinda like our archangel, she was like the one.

• 9:00Speaker 04

  Follows me on Twitter.

• 9:01Andrew Santino?

  Shut up.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  And I've never known why.

• 9:03Andrew Santino?

  Well, she's, you're talented. She's talented, you're talented, and you have something in common.

• 9:10Andrew Santino?

  She's still, she's not still doing it.

• 9:12Speaker 04

  No.

• 9:13Andrew Santino?

  Is there like a Champions Tour for her? You know how they do that in the PGA, they go to like this? Like is there a Champions League for porn stars? There should be. Give them an aftermarket. You know what I mean?

• 9:23Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 9:23Andrew Santino?

  Well, now, this is a new trend, a very, very popular trend. Porn stars are on podcasts now, big time, they're all doing pods. And a lot of them are saying that they're regretting their actions and they wanna be, they want all their old stuff pulled off. But it's impos- it's impossible.

• 9:37Speaker 04

  Speaking of pulling off.

• 9:37Andrew Santino?

  Pulling off? What? She's, uh, 52, focused on a new life centered on faith, sobriety and health, living in Miami. Faith, sobriety and health.

• 9:45Speaker 04

  Faith is gay.

• 9:46Andrew Santino?

  Faith is gay?

• 9:48Speaker 04

  Everything else I'm on board with, good for her.

• 9:50Andrew Santino?

  Wait, sobriety and health?

• 9:52Speaker 04

  Good, well, I'm on board with that.

• 9:53Andrew Santino?

  In Miami.

• 9:54Speaker 04

  From there, she doesn't believe in vaccines. I can do it right now.

• 9:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, no, no, that's why I said faith and sobriety and then health.

• 10:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, in that order.

• 10:03Andrew Santino?

  And by the way.

• 10:04Speaker 04

  God will cure me first.

• 10:05Andrew Santino?

  A hundred percent.

• 10:05Speaker 04

  And then doctors with degrees in science, maybe third.

• 10:10Andrew Santino?

  Maybe. We'll listen to them out. When it's over, when it's over, I'll go.

• 10:13Speaker 04

  Do they have a disgusting grating voice? Then I'm not listening.

• 10:18Andrew Santino?

  Also, by the way, Miami?

• 10:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:20Andrew Santino?

  Miami, that's the pick? Interesting pick. Gonna stay away from drugs, alcohol, booze and bad habits, I'm moving to Miami. En benito, ami, yummy. That's like one of the most like, that's one of the most like thick, dense places of like booze, drugs, partying, chaos, nightlife. If you, she said she moved to like South Dakota, I'd be like, she's really gunning for it.

• 10:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:41Andrew Santino?

  That would, if you disappear.

• 10:43Speaker 04

  Utah?

• 10:43Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, but brother, disappear from the thing.

• 10:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:46Andrew Santino?

  Where's your life end when it's over? Where do you wanna be, where do you wanna sit in a cabin somewhere? When, when your kids are grown, you and your wife, it's just you two, what's, what's that look like in your mind?

• 10:57Speaker 04

  Oh, it's Scotland.

• 10:58Andrew Santino?

  Scotland, a hundred percent.

• 10:59Speaker 04

  I'll never leave Scotland.

• 11:00Andrew Santino?

  You can't.

• 11:01Speaker 04

  No, because I really like tall poppy syndrome. I think it's a really important thing.

• 11:07Andrew Santino?

  Explain this, cause a lot of Americans don't know about this, Australians, it's a huge deal down there. It's big, it's big, I would say in the UK, but.

• 11:14Speaker 04

  Huge in Scotland.

• 11:15Andrew Santino?

  It's massive in Scotland.

• 11:16Speaker 04

  Tall poppy syndrome is like, if anyone from where you're from, like, does well.

• 11:22Andrew Santino?

  At all, even a little bit.

• 11:24Speaker 04

  Even a little bit.

• 11:25Andrew Santino?

  Like the guy that goes from, from assistant general manager to general manager, they're like, take a look at this fucking yak.

• 11:31Speaker 04

  Fucking, oh, Billy Big Balls, oh.

• 11:34Andrew Santino?

  It's crazy.

• 11:35Speaker 04

  And it's, and it doesn't exist in America, because you all worship billionaires, because you all think you'll all be billionaires tomorrow. And so you wanna fucking celebrate that. Scotland is very much, and it's, it's, the reason why I consider myself to even like remotely a good person is because when my ego was out of fucking check, in my twenties, when things were going well, when I thought I was one of the fucking best in the world, I would go back to Fife, Scotland, and they'd be like, hold up cunt.

• 12:08Andrew Santino?

  Didn't we make you eat your boogers? You were the kid that ate his boogers for us for money.

• 12:11Speaker 04

  We used to throw jellyfish at you. What are you talking about? Like, like, tall poppy syndrome is like a really like, don't forget where you fucking came from.

• 12:20Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah?

• 12:21Speaker 04

  For a goddamn, cause this fucking city, I don't know how you're still such a pure fucking man.

• 12:25Andrew Santino?

  I'm not.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  This city.

• 12:27Andrew Santino?

  We all have egos.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  This city's the worst in the world.

• 12:30Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 12:30Speaker 04

  This festival's the worst in the world.

• 12:31Andrew Santino?

  Well, this has been tough.

• 12:33Speaker 04

  They, they feed you bullshit, they feed you lies, you're gonna be the next fucking, the amount of times I've come to LA and I've, I've swallowed happily the sugar and medicine, where they told me I was gonna be the fucking next big thing, so many fucking times. If I lived here, I would be a monster. Thank God every time I got given that medicine, I got to go back home to the chemotherapy of Scotland.

• 12:54Andrew Santino?

  Cleanse. You're cleansed, you're pure again.

• 12:56Speaker 04

  Where they'd be like, motherfucker, what are you, what is this attitude?

• 13:00Andrew Santino?

  Well, we have, okay, so we have this in, in sections of America, right? Like, I'm from Chicago, when I go home, my friends make fun of me just the same way that they did before. If you don't have that connective tissue, you are fucked. You are absolutely, you're out in an island alone. Like, and there's been many people, I'm not gonna mention names, but.

• 13:17Speaker 04

  I'll do it.

• 13:18Andrew Santino?

  Okay. We know many people who like didn't have a network of real, uh, solid core, either family or friends. You don't have to have both, some people have no family. And, but if you have to have people you grew up with or still keep in touch with, that kind of pull the, that, that, go, come on, come on, come on.

• 13:35Speaker 04

  People that knew you when.

• 13:37Andrew Santino?

  They knew you when.

• 13:38Speaker 04

  They knew you when and they know you now, so no matter how fucking big the whispers in your ears will tell you to be, they go, shut the fuck up. Like, I'm really grateful that like a lot of my close friends are people that came to like my first or second ever gig.

• 13:54Andrew Santino?

  Crazy.

• 13:55Speaker 04

  Like, they remember me performing to fucking four people, so they're proud of me.

• 13:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 04

  And they celebrate me, and my, my friend Jean, my friend Ally, like, they are so proud of me. Anytime I get too big for my little fucking booties, they're like, come here, motherfucker. Lend me your ear, you piece of shit.

• 14:16Andrew Santino?

  But it levels you out in a good way.

• 14:17Speaker 04

  Really good, my wife, my, my, my, my perfect bitch wife.

• 14:22Andrew Santino?

  She mocks you.

• 14:23Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 14:23Andrew Santino?

  Good.

• 14:24Speaker 04

  And she, but my, my wife is my biggest fan. I will never have a better gig in the world than when I know my wife is in the crowd. Because I know me having a good gig makes her horny, and I want to make her horny.

• 14:35Andrew Santino?

  You do.

• 14:35Speaker 04

  And she doesn't like the fact that me having a good gig makes her horny, so there's a, like, it's, it's, it's a real. Yeah, it's, it's the best, it's the best. My wife doesn't like feeding my ego, because she sees my ego in its other words, and she also sees my deep insecurity for the rest of the fucking time.

• 14:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 14:53Speaker 04

  So there's part of her that like, when I have a fucking good gig and she's in the crowd, she's like, she's in the crowd, she's like, that's my fucking man.

• 15:00Andrew Santino?

  That's hot.

• 15:01Speaker 04

  It's the hottest.

• 15:02Andrew Santino?

  See, that's funny, there's two ways though. Some people get very nervous when friends and family and wives and, and, you know, partners are in the crowd. I get, I'm 50/50, certain shows I really want my wife there, I want good friends there, certain shows I'm like, I just don't. But I don't wanna let my attitude get in the way, cause occasionally you get offstage and you're like, it didn't go the way I want, it was still a great show, but there's things that miss, and then I don't want to do that thing.

• 15:29Speaker 04

  My, I can have a fucking great gig and I'll walk offstage and my wife will be like, you hated that, and I'll be like, yep.

• 15:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I know, they know.

• 15:36Speaker 04

  Because, because, because my wife is the only person in the world apart from me who has seen me do 400 fucking gigs. So when audio, when I have a, when I have a good gig that I fucking hate, audience is like, I thought it was great, I was like, cool. You've seen one of 5,000 shows I've done.

• 15:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 15:52Speaker 04

  I've seen 5,000 shows that I've fucking done, and this is in the bottom fucking 50. And I know it went well and I know people laughed and I know people clap, blah, blah, blah. But it's in the bottom fucking 50. My wife is the only person that has that understanding really of me.

• 16:07Andrew Santino?

  Of what the real, the real story is.

• 16:09Speaker 04

  She's seen me come offstage to standing ovations and be like, you hate every second, and I was like, I hate every second.

• 16:15Andrew Santino?

  What is that about us? Why do we have that bug inside? What is that thing? Perfectionism?

• 16:19Speaker 04

  We've got perfectionism, uh, Neil Brennan had a fucking great term yesterday, which is like, which I'm gonna forget it, watch his podcast. Which, it's a different type of narcissism, which is like hating yourself is a different type of narcissism. It's not loving yourself, it's hating yourself in such a pure way that you want the fucking best. The second he said it, I was like, oh my God, you've diagnosed me.

• 16:47Andrew Santino?

  Well, he does this all the time, he talked, we talked about, Neil says, he'll drop nuggets all the time, we'll be on the phone, we were on the phone a couple days ago for like an hour and a half about, he talks about, he, he, he finds something scientific and then brings it to our world. Like, he talked about lectin, lectin I think is what it's called, lectin's the chemical in your stomach that tells you you're full. And how like, in the evolutionary, uh, because of evolution, we have surpassed cer- right? Isn't that right, lectin? We've suppressed lectin, especially as gorging American gluttons, or whatever, cause we have food access. So we eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat, and we've, we've decided how big the plates get, and that's how big my si- my meal is. But we've kind of like suppressed lectin. And he's like, the funny thing is, some people in our business, it's like they have no lectin anywhere in their body.

• 17:32Andrew Santino?

  They don't know what's enough, or when is it good, or if it, it just, there is no signaling, because if you suppress lectin when you're eating, right? You overeat, it's, it's, it can't handle all that weight, so then you'll start to gain weight and you're eating too much, and then that won't even satisfy you. And he's like, that's the same trick we play with our whole body, because comics, performers, entertainers don't really sit in it slowly.

• 17:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:54Andrew Santino?

  You're as fast as you can.

• 17:56Speaker 04

  We sit in our failures way longer than we sit in our successes.

• 18:01Andrew Santino?

  Fuck yeah, successes, you gotta go home, I gotta get out of here.

• 18:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, you have, you have, you have a fucking good, I have a good gig, I go home, sometimes I'll like, if it's basically it's new material, I'll, I'll listen to the new material while I'm driving home in the car, just like fucking.

• 18:14Andrew Santino?

  Doesn't that give you anxiety?

• 18:15Speaker 04

  No.

• 18:16Andrew Santino?

  Oh, see, if I listen to it, right, if I listen to it right away, I get, I have to wait a couple days and then I'll listen to the set.

• 18:22Speaker 04

  No, the longer I wait, the more I hate myself.

• 18:24Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's interesting.

• 18:25Speaker 04

  So like, the, the, the fresher I listen to it, I'm like, fucking, you know what, man? Well done, like, you went out there, you did it all. I would, the saddest my wife has ever seen me, and I'll never fucking forget this, was during fucking Covid, like, I'm learning about the fucking algorithm and like how the game's fucking changed. My wife is outside and she comes in and she's like, what are you watching? I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, I've never seen you angrier. Like, I'd like, your resting face was so filled with rage, that like I assumed you're watching the Holocaust.

• 19:04Andrew Santino?

  Right, right, which we do pop on once in a while, just when you're bored.

• 19:07Speaker 04

  I just, I just wanna check the numbers.

• 19:11Speaker 04

  I wanna count them myself.

• 19:13Andrew Santino?

  By the way, autistic kids who love trains, I mean, the Holocaust is a big, that's a big, it's a big, big deal for those guys. Is that a B1465?

• 19:21Speaker 04

  Yeah. Why are 60% of Jews autistic? Who can know?

• 19:27Andrew Santino?

  What were you watching?

• 19:28Speaker 04

  Me.

• 19:29Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god, that's amazing.

• 19:31Speaker 04

  I was watching, I was watching my own special to try and find clips to film, like, and she was like, she was like, it, I'm, it makes me so sad that that's what was filling you with your own fucking rage.

• 19:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 19:45Speaker 04

  Fucking, I can't watch myself.

• 19:46Andrew Santino?

  But, but, but, while he's sitting on a thing, we haven't cut up the old special at all, and I, he's sitting on it for months and months and months, and I, I'm just waiting for you to tell me.

• 19:52Andrew Santino?

  I know he's waiting for me, but it's hard, I just, it's hard to go back to it, to look at it, because you're like, look at you, you dumb idiot.

• 19:57Andrew Santino?

  Just let me do it.

• 19:58Speaker 04

  You dumb piece of shit.

• 19:59Andrew Santino?

  You dumb piece of shit. Now, on the, on the contrary, what do you know you're gonna watch that's gonna make you feel good? Like, what is a thing, we did this with O'Connor last night, I go, what's gonna make you feel good, at the end of the day, if you're like, I wanna watch something that's gonna make me laugh incessantly,

• 20:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:12Andrew Santino?

  or just take me out of this machine, and, first of all, I like, I like sappy shit, I can be a little, I can be a little sad boy.

• 20:19Speaker 04

  I say this with all, I'm the gayest man in the world.

• 20:21Andrew Santino?

  Brother, don't even get me started.

• 20:22Speaker 04

  I, all I want, I make sure that my Instagram reels are just children asking their stepfathers to adopt them.

• 20:30Andrew Santino?

  Fuck.

• 20:32Speaker 04

  Uh, deaf kids being given hearing.

• 20:33Andrew Santino?

  Cochlear implants for the first time? That's one of my favorite videos that ever exists, that's what I said last night.

• 20:38Speaker 04

  In chroma glasses?

• 20:40Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god.

• 20:40Speaker 04

  Colorblind fucking big, strong man being given color for the fucking first time?

• 20:47Andrew Santino?

  It's.

• 20:47Speaker 04

  So they can be racist to the fullest extent of the law.

• 20:52Andrew Santino?

  I don't like that color at all. I thought y'all were the same.

• 20:55Speaker 04

  Literally, I was in a, I was over the road just having a fucking coffee, and I watched a four-minute video, and I'm cr- I'm crying in this cafe across the fucking road. Kids buying their fathers their dream car?

• 21:08Andrew Santino?

  Oh yeah, come on.

• 21:09Speaker 04

  My god.

• 21:10Andrew Santino?

  My god. And the way that the dad does it, too, the way the dad's like, what, what is this, Mark? Mark, what is this?

• 21:16Speaker 04

  This is.

• 21:16Andrew Santino?

  It's your car, dad? Come on, Woody, come on.

• 21:18Speaker 04

  And, and, and it's, it's the son of a boomer, so it, so they don't know how to express their feelings.

• 21:25Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 21:25Speaker 04

  They're the most, they're the most traumatized generation in the world.

• 21:28Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 21:29Speaker 04

  Because they're like, my dad never hugged me, and you're like, that's awful, it's really sad that that's true. Don't, don't, that's, that's not the rule for life.

• 21:36Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 21:37Speaker 04

  Parents should love their children, and they should celebrate them all the time, I'm really sorry that your dad never told you. So it's just this person who's like, they've broken that generation's thought.

• 21:47Andrew Santino?

  Finally.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  They've said it to the kids, but they still don't know how to be loved.

• 21:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's hard.

• 21:54Speaker 04

  They, seeing a sixty-five-year-old man who never, ever was told I love you by anyone, be told I love you in a physical fucking way, and their inability to process it makes me fucking wank.

• 22:10Andrew Santino?

  It is magical to watch.

• 22:11Speaker 04

  But I love you, I tell my dad I love him, I tell my, my boys I love them.

• 22:14Andrew Santino?

  I say I love you a lot, I say I love you when I hang up every time.

• 22:16Speaker 04

  It's, yeah, it's, I think it's so important.

• 22:19Andrew Santino?

  Well, because you, you gotta, yeah, also, uh, I do, I, I think, like, when someone says, I love you, it's like, I feel for you more than I feel for the random person on the street. I, I, it's not that I have no care for everyone that walks the road, but when you have any sort of connection, you're like, you know I do love you. Like, there is a thing that is gonna always, you know?

• 22:39Speaker 04

  Like, the, the lack of you would make my life worse.

• 22:43Andrew Santino?

  It'd be a bummer.

• 22:44Speaker 04

  And I, and I would, and I don't know, maybe I wouldn't feel it every day, but there would be moments where profoundly I would miss you.

• 22:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  Not necessarily being in my company, but being in the world in general.

• 22:56Andrew Santino?

  The idea that you exist.

• 22:57Speaker 04

  The exact, the idea that I get to exist in the same timeline as you, and we get to be this together.

• 23:02Andrew Santino?

  Incredible.

• 23:02Speaker 04

  Woody, I love you.

• 23:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, see? Beauty. That's beauty.

• 23:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:06Andrew Santino?

  And I, and sometimes it does pop into your head. I texted Mark Maron yesterday, just to say hello. I said, I was thinking about you, I haven't seen him around in a while, he's been on the road. And his response was perfect, it was just a go fuck yourself, which I loved dearly. I said, man, I miss seeing you around, hope you're well, and it's a big go fuck yourself.

• 23:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:22Andrew Santino?

  Then a five-minute pause, and then a, hey buddy, I'm in Salt Lake, dah dah dah dah. That's the love that I, that's the love that I, that I love. Especially like that, with comics, when you know comics for a while and you don't see people, because you're a very successful man, you tour all the time, you're on the run, and if it's not that, you're with your family, so you just see each other less and less and less and less and less, and it kind of fades away.

• 23:41Speaker 04

  And you forget, you don't realize how much you fucking miss it. Like, I really like being a, after my daughter was born, I took a year off, and I was just like, I'm just gonna be a normal dude, so I'm just gonna fucking hang out with other parents, so I'm gonna and live a normal life and be in, like, just Scotland, and just exist as a human being. And it was really fulfilling, and it was really great, and it was really good to just fucking befriend normal people who don't hate themselves, who don't drink themselves to death.

• 24:11Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 24:12Speaker 04

  Who are also, they are also really funny, but they don't have the narcissism in their funniness to think that it deserves to be the center of attention.

• 24:20Andrew Santino?

  They're fulfilled, they don't need, they don't need the other thing.

• 24:22Speaker 04

  Man, some of the funniest people in my life are non-comics.

• 24:25Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my favorite, my funniest friends are a hundred percent would never.

• 24:27Speaker 04

  Non-comics?

• 24:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, and they would.

• 24:28Speaker 04

  Because why would they?

• 24:29Andrew Santino?

  No, because they, no, they feel good.

• 24:31Speaker 04

  Getting to exist in a world of like, just for me, other parents, because nobody wants to talk about your kids as much as other parents wanna talk about their kids.

• 24:41Andrew Santino?

  Big time.

• 24:41Speaker 04

  So sometimes all I wanna do is hang out with other parents, so we can just love our children in front of each other.

• 24:50Speaker 04

  I miss racism.

• 24:55Speaker 04

  When you're with comics, the game is, what, how, how can I shock the unshockable?

• 25:02Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 25:02Speaker 04

  And I don't mean anything, none of it's real.

• 25:05Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 25:05Speaker 04

  But how can I say the worst thing that's gonna make a professional comic of twenty years ago, I beg your pardon?

• 25:12Andrew Santino?

  What did you, what did you say? What did you say?

• 25:14Speaker 04

  Fucking, how did you put two Rs in it?

• 25:19Andrew Santino?

  I like fucking with comics, I went to one of those Netflix things, my favorite thing to do of a comic I know is very insecure. And we all are, but my favorite thing to do is to look at someone and scan their body a bunch, and go, you look heal, you look like you're healthy, you look like you're feeling, you're feeling out, you look good.

• 25:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:37Andrew Santino?

  And then they go, what, what do you, what do you mean? No, no, like, you're, like, you're all there, like, you look really good.

• 25:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:43Andrew Santino?

  And I know they walk away going, what is that, is that like a fat thing? What are you talking about? And they just, it, it like ruins their afternoon, and I did it a few times, and I could see people's face like, what is that, what do you mean? Adam Devine, I think I tagged him good, I go, you look healthy, dude, you look pretty, you look like you're, you're like a dad now. And he was like, what?

• 26:02Speaker 04

  The best, my favorite one, you're in a green room, somebody goes on and objectively smashes, like, it's undeniable they smash. They come back into the green room, and you go, how do you think it went?

• 26:14Andrew Santino?

  Oh my god, dude, that's so fucked up. Did you like that? Was that good? Did you like that?

• 26:20Speaker 04

  Yeah. Did you record it? Are you gonna listen to it?

• 26:25Andrew Santino?

  Fucking with comics.

• 26:26Speaker 04

  No, shattering someone's reality, it's like a real, they're like, did I know?

• 26:32Andrew Santino?

  No, no, you, no, no, no, it's, no, no, no, it's, I just meant.

• 26:34Speaker 04

  No, it was good for you.

• 26:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I just meant like you, that's, I don't know what your standard is, or whatever.

• 26:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've, I've, I have different standards, I expect better of myself, but if that was good for you, then great, then tell us when you do.

• 26:45Andrew Santino?

  The phrase, the phrase good set, my favorite thing is to just say set, when someone comes off and go, set. Oh, it hurts. Set, dude, set, you did it. It stings, and then you're thinking about it, and you're, you're in your notepad being like, what is, what is that? Fuck that, that was good, right? What is he, nuts? Stays with you all night long? You can't get away. Wait, you said you took a year off for one kid, you'd take it for the other one or no? The other one didn't get the year?

• 27:07Speaker 04

  So, so with my son, when he was born, I, uh, we needed money for him to fucking.

• 27:12Andrew Santino?

  To live.

• 27:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, even though he was, he was eating from my wife, I was like, she needs to eat, women.

• 27:21Speaker 04

  And like, very quickly, like, I love my job, I'm very grateful for my fucking job, there's no way to do this job without travel.

• 27:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 27:29Speaker 04

  And I really felt like with my son, like, I was, I was never away for like weeks at a time, but like even just the weekends or like the five days away, it felt like I was coming back to a different kids, and I felt like I was missing, like, look, when he's fucking thirteen and she's fucking eleven and they hate me, who gives a fuck, I'll tour for a year.

• 27:48Andrew Santino?

  Fine, yeah, that's good.

• 27:49Speaker 04

  Because I can explain to them, the reason, hey, do you like your fucking awesome house?

• 27:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 27:53Speaker 04

  It's because daddy's good at what daddy does. I'm like, but when I talk to parents, um, the thing they say is like, these, these are the years that you never get back.

• 28:04Andrew Santino?

  The young ones, yeah.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, and these are the formative years, these are the ones where it's like, it's, it, not, not necessarily the most fulfilling, because I think all of parenthood is deeply fulfilling, but like, this is the ones where you know, you plant a seed and you see it grow, and you see it grow so quickly, and you see these parts of your children that. You know, put things about yourself that you fucking hate when your kids exhibit them. You love it because it makes them unique and different and it having kids teaches you to love yourself in a way that a therapist has never successfully done for me.

• 28:37Andrew Santino?

  Never ever.

• 28:39Speaker 04

  It's with my daughter. I was like, I wanna, you know, I took my wife on tour when she was six months pregnant around America.

• 28:45Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 28:46Speaker 04

  On a tour bus with a two month old, a two year old kid. It was the greatest time of her life. You tell a two year old that he's gonna live on a bus for two months.

• 28:55Andrew Santino?

  Amp.

• 28:55Speaker 04

  Buddy.

• 28:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 28:56Speaker 04

  Buddy.

• 28:56Andrew Santino?

  The run of the mill, dude, how fun.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  Cocaine would have been lesser to me.

• 29:00Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 29:03Speaker 04

  Cocaine would have bummed him out, man, for that fucking reality. Uh, my wife at the time of her life, we got to really actually be in America as opposed to touring is. Waking up at seven AM, getting to an airport, fucking layovers, whatever. You don't see any part of the world.

• 29:19Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 29:19Speaker 04

  In a tour bus.

• 29:20Andrew Santino?

  You see it all.

• 29:21Speaker 04

  They drive you through like, we got to be in America. Now, I will criticize this country till the end of this earth.

• 29:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:27Speaker 04

  I love this country.

• 29:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, of course.

• 29:29Speaker 04

  I love this country.

• 29:30Andrew Santino?

  We need criticism though, that's a good thing. You you don't criticize things you don't love.

• 29:33Speaker 04

  No, no, no, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this country so very much. I love all of it. I love all the different parts of it. I like experiencing. My wife loves it. Like when we get to share this country with our son, do you know how good as a nation you guys are at like? Science museums? For a country that doesn't believe in science.

• 29:57Speaker 04

  Like, to get to like, experience this country fully with my kid, I'm. When I'm touring in October, November, I'm doing a tour bus with both of my fucking kids again.

• 30:06Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 30:06Speaker 04

  Because I want them to, you know, I want them to understand that America's not what you see on the news. It's not what you see in the voting booths. America is

• 30:20Speaker 04

  a continent that thinks it's a country.

• 30:23Andrew Santino?

  That's right. Yeah, but we're actually.

• 30:26Speaker 04

  You're not a country.

• 30:26Andrew Santino?

  We're fifty countries.

• 30:27Speaker 04

  The the biggest line.

• 30:29Andrew Santino?

  Probably more than fifty countries.

• 30:30Speaker 04

  The biggest line in America is the first line of your country. United?

• 30:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:36Speaker 04

  What are you talking about?

• 30:37Andrew Santino?

  Not even a little bit.

• 30:38Speaker 04

  What are you talking about?

• 30:39Andrew Santino?

  No, we hate each other.

• 30:40Speaker 04

  You've not even been united since the start.

• 30:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:42Speaker 04

  You're the states of America because you're all in a fucking state.

• 30:45Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 30:46Speaker 04

  There's, what are you talking about?

• 30:48Andrew Santino?

  No, it's true. We have not, we we.

• 30:50Speaker 04

  You've never been united.

• 30:51Andrew Santino?

  Well, we hate each other within our own states. Like, that's a, there's a battle. San Francisco doesn't like LA. I talk about that all the time. They make fun of us incessantly. Like, different parts of one state don't even like each other. We just have different opinions, views, like, what am I saying? LA to Orange County has gotta be what, forty miles? These are two completely different worlds.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  West side to the east side.

• 31:11Andrew Santino?

  West side to the east side of LA, but this is still an LA thing. We still have that. I still love the LA core of LA. It still is.

• 31:18Speaker 04

  Do you like?

• 31:19Andrew Santino?

  We're two different sides. I do, I've been here for twenty, it's my twentieth year. I love so much about Los Angeles. I dislike a lot of it as well.

• 31:27Speaker 04

  I think, I think, I think Israel's doing a genocide in the wrong city.

• 31:32Andrew Santino?

  Bring it over here. Get over here. Get, boys, get over here.

• 31:37Speaker 04

  I love the people in this place.

• 31:41Andrew Santino?

  Yes, well, the people are why we're probably still here.

• 31:44Speaker 04

  I would nuke this fucking city off the face of the planet.

• 31:48Andrew Santino?

  Well, where would the, where would the center point be though? I need to know that.

• 31:52Speaker 04

  Oh, nooks are big now. I can do, oh, that's a good point. Okay, where am I?

• 31:57Andrew Santino?

  Where's the eye of the storm happening?

• 31:58Speaker 04

  Where are the most Asians? No.

• 32:01Andrew Santino?

  And in this studio most days, yeah.

• 32:04Speaker 04

  I, the biggest, like, as a, as a Scot, growing up in like, American culture and then coming out and experiencing LA and just the culture shock of what we've been sold in movies what it is, two big things. The Hollywood Wa- Ho- Walk of Fame.

• 32:22Andrew Santino?

  Oh, God, yeah.

• 32:23Speaker 04

  The star, when I tell you I grew up thinking like, that street was Michelin star restaurants.

• 32:30Andrew Santino?

  Paved in gold.

• 32:31Speaker 04

  Like, it's the.

• 32:32Andrew Santino?

  Stars just sauntering through.

• 32:34Speaker 04

  The stars are walking over the wrong fucking name.

• 32:35Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 32:38Speaker 04

  I saw a black Spider-Man jerking off.

• 32:43Andrew Santino?

  Oh, we know him. That's Marcus. We love that guy. Good friend, friend of the show.

• 32:47Speaker 04

  Within, within ten minutes of being on this.

• 32:52Andrew Santino?

  And your kid is like, is he spinning a web? You're like, he is actually. He's spinning a web right now.

• 32:56Speaker 04

  Spinning a web, spinning a web of truth and lies.

• 33:00Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's the most disgusting part of Los Angeles by far. Hollywood.

• 33:03Speaker 04

  Cause I thought, cause it, cause when, when we from outside of America, maybe outside of LA, think of this. Hollywood, whenever we're seeing these photos, it's celebrities with a fucking star. You think it's the most star, the fucking China Theater, wherever the fuck it's called.

• 33:17Andrew Santino?

  Chinese Theater, yeah.

• 33:18Speaker 04

  Like, you think this is where the red carpet is. So shortly during the day, it's just Scarlett Johansson is freaking herself at the side of the fucking road. After having a beautiful fucking meal.

• 33:33Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 33:33Speaker 04

  Snoop Dogg's just fucking smoking, we're hanging out. No.

• 33:37Andrew Santino?

  Nothing of the sort.

• 33:38Speaker 04

  No, it's the saddest place.

• 33:39Andrew Santino?

  It's the saddest.

• 33:40Speaker 04

  It's the saddest place I've ever been.

• 33:42Andrew Santino?

  And all those stars avoid that place now. Now there is no pride in going to, to these old Hollywood nooks. They don't even exist. A lot of them don't even exist anymore.

• 33:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:49Andrew Santino?

  You know, they've torn them all down or they're now, or now they're all like, uh, production studios and buildings have all changed. I mean, they sold, all the studios are for sale. Every, I think we're gonna buy a studio, right? Do we have the money?

• 34:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're like ten bucks.

• 34:03Andrew Santino?

  Ten bucks, take out a loan. Yeah, it's changed. It's not the same.

• 34:06Speaker 04

  No.

• 34:06Andrew Santino?

  I think it's LA's focus on clout versus culture now. Cloud over culture.

• 34:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:10Andrew Santino?

  Culture, but LA, to defend it, has so much rich depth. You're just seeing one little piece of it. There's so much great culture here.

• 34:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, but the depth is mostly rape. Historical sexual.

• 34:24Andrew Santino?

  In Hollywood.

• 34:25Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 34:25Andrew Santino?

  But you go outside of it and you're good.

• 34:27Speaker 04

  Okay, okay.

• 34:28Andrew Santino?

  You go outside, go to the east side is great. You know, like, all these, all these Mexican communities that like, take so much pride in this city that we don't, that LA doesn't show or care about. And if they do, they give it a heartbeat of a chance in Hollywood and they throw it in the trash.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  I'll, I'll, I'll never understand, like, the Americans' racism towards the Mexicans. I would love to share a border with Mexico. You're, you're bringing me nap food at three AM?

• 34:54Andrew Santino?

  Come on over.

• 34:55Speaker 04

  The, I think, I think Scottish Indians, and I say this as a white man, so I could be very wrong. I think Scottish Indians receive less racism than English Indians. Because the Scots were just so grateful that they bought us curry at two in the morning.

• 35:11Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 35:11Speaker 04

  And really, like, we were just like, what, what do you mean you're flavoring meat? Spices? What do you mean? What is this? Like, Mexican food, and specifically in this fucking city.

• 35:23Andrew Santino?

  It's the best here.

• 35:24Speaker 04

  Is so unbelievably good at any time of the fucking day. And I'm like, you hate these people. The reason Scottish people hate Polish people is, what do you mean you brought us cabbage?

• 35:34Andrew Santino?

  Where we had it.

• 35:35Speaker 04

  Pickled cabbage?

• 35:36Andrew Santino?

  We had it.

• 35:37Speaker 04

  Fucking finish the driveway and fuck off. What are you talking about? You're not bringing any culture here. Your songs are stupid. Your women are perfect. Thank you very much. They're too religious, but bye, bye. But you're not bringing over fucking the worst dumplings in the world are from Poland. What do you mean you bring this over fucking here? You have, you have this, these people that come and make you the freshest, spiciest, the best fucking food.

• 36:07Andrew Santino?

  Delicious.

• 36:08Speaker 04

  And you hate them?

• 36:09Andrew Santino?

  We love them, but some people hate them.

• 36:12Speaker 04

  I'll, I'll never understand it.

• 36:13Andrew Santino?

  Well, we love them. I think it's because people, inherently all over the world, people are afraid of what they don't know.

• 36:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:19Andrew Santino?

  And America has this thing.

• 36:19Speaker 04

  And America doesn't know anything.

• 36:20Andrew Santino?

  We don't know anything. We don't know almost nothing.

• 36:22Speaker 04

  You know the least of any country in the fucking world.

• 36:25Andrew Santino?

  You guys listen to the world news? We don't even listen to our news.

• 36:28Speaker 04

  No.

• 36:28Andrew Santino?

  Isn't that crazy?

• 36:29Speaker 04

  Also, your biggest news channel legally is not a news channel. Fox News is legally classified as entertainment. The reason Tucker Carlson got away with all of the bilious lies that he fucking spewed.

• 36:43Andrew Santino?

  It's not journalism.

• 36:44Speaker 04

  Cause it's not journalism. In a court of law, his lawyer was like, anyone who believed what this man said on the news is, is an idiot. Because it's not the news, it's entertainment.

• 36:54Andrew Santino?

  It's incredible.

• 36:55Speaker 04

  That's crazy.

• 36:57Andrew Santino?

  It also helped blur the lines. Well, it's insane. It blurred the lines now that all entertainment is journalism and all journalism is entertainment. What, there is now that helped everyone blur. So now there's no, now you don't even know. Now there's people that lie. Say their journalists go to like, a hotbed of like, a protest or, or a- a- anything that's politically charged. And they claim they're journalists, but nobody can say you're not. Do you know what I mean? It's like saying like, there is no way to prove it, so they go, they're journalists. No, they're just, some of these, they're just harassing people.

• 37:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:26Andrew Santino?

  But it doesn't matter anymore. Because Americans don't care. They're just like, yeah, fuck it, give it to me. Clip it, give it to me.

• 37:31Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 37:34Andrew Santino?

  This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by FanDuel. Baseball fans, baseball be very, very good to me. Let it be good to you. You think you know who's hitting a homer today? Well, FanDuel has given you a free chance to call your shot with daily dingers, daily dingers. Joining the action is easy. Just make your free pick on who's hitting a homerun in their game. And if you're right, you're gonna get paid a profit boost to use on your next bet for a chance at extra winnings. You've got nothing to lose and a lot to gain. And don't forget, you can make a free pick every day during the MLB season, every day. It's just another reason why FanDuel is the home for homeruns. So, if you're ready to play your game today, join all the action at FanDuel.com/whiskey. That's FanDuel.com/whiskey to play daily dingers and make your free pick on who's hitting a homer. Play ball and swing for the fences on FanDuel, an official partner of the MLB.

• 38:18Andrew Santino?

  Twenty-one plus, select states for Kansas, an affiliation with Kansas Star Casino, eighteen plus, DCKYWY, no purchase necessary. Opt-in required. Bonus issued as non-withdrawable profit boost tokens. Restrictions apply, including any token expiration and max wager amount. See terms at sportsbook.fanduel.com. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. 1-800-MYRESSET. Call 1-888-789-7777. Visit ccpg.org/chat. Connecticut. Visit mdgamblinghelp.org. Maryland. Visit gamblinghelplineMA.org. Call 800-327-5050. Massachusetts. Call 1-8778-HOPE-NY. Text HOPE-NY, New York. Call 1-877-770-7867, Louisiana. Hey, here to tell you about Mars Men. Men are going to Mars, and this stuff is fantastic, dude.

• 39:02Andrew Santino?

  It's natural testosterone support. It's got all these great elements I told you about. Tongat Ali, Shilajit Turin, vitamin D, vitamin K1 and K2, zinc, boron, and fenugreek. Now, may not be able to pronounce it, but it's going to help you very, very much. I'm telling you, this stuff is fantastic. I have been taking some of this, and I'm telling you, I do feel the difference. I'm 42, about to be 43 years old. And, look, your body's making testosterone as you get older, gets locked up, it can't be used. This protein called SHBG, okay, that basically handcuffs your testosterone. It goes, "Where you going? Get over here." Even if your body's making testosterone, SHBG locks it up so you can't access it. It's like having money in the bank, but your debit card is not working. And I'm telling you now, with Mars Men, it unlocks it. It makes it so much better.

• 39:47Andrew Santino?

  Workouts have been better. Days popping back in the gym from recovery seem much easier. Supports healthy T levels, energy, and stamina. Made right here in the USA and third-party tested. You gotta get yourself some Mars Men if you are a growing boy such as myself. For a limited time, our listeners are going to get 50% off for life, plus free shipping and three free gifts at mengotomars.com. That's mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts at checkout. After you purchase, they're going to ask you, "What'd you hear about us?" Please tell them Wisgin sent you, you know? Give us some love. Mengotomars.com. Once again, mengotomars.com for 50% off. This is the good stuff.

• 40:28Speaker 04

  Also, I didn't realize...

• 40:30Andrew Santino?

  That was a bit for you. Did you like that? That's hilarious. I told you, I go, "When is he going to notice?" I go, "I'm going to pour them in Kill Tony cups for you, just for fun."

• 40:37Speaker 04

  Fucking...

• 40:42Andrew Santino?

  Dude, sometimes I do little tiny bits throughout the day.

• 40:45Speaker 04

  My nose isn't long enough to look down enough at him.

• 40:50Andrew Santino?

  You hate, you hate everything about that world, huh?

• 40:52Speaker 04

  Despise it.

• 40:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 40:53Speaker 04

  Despise it.

• 40:54Andrew Santino?

  No, you give no credit to it finding young comics?

• 40:57Speaker 04

  No, because it corrupts young comics.

• 40:59Andrew Santino?

  What about Cam Patterson? Okay, let's talk about the guys that come off.

• 41:01Speaker 04

  Okay, okay, okay.

• 41:03Andrew Santino?

  There's some hits.

• 41:04Speaker 04

  Excellent point, and I've spoken to Cam, because I think his...

• 41:08Andrew Santino?

  You don't talk to black people, you told me.

• 41:11Speaker 04

  I...

• 41:12Andrew Santino?

  I hold my nose.

• 41:16Andrew Santino?

  It's brewed some wonderful things.

• 41:18Speaker 04

  It has. And Cam Patterson's journey into SNL, I watched him, I got to watch him, like, so genuinely fucking crushed. Because I think I had very ignorant opinions on him.

• 41:31Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 41:31Speaker 04

  Because of, because he came from the pit. Right?

• 41:36Andrew Santino?

  Fucking hates it. You hate it.

• 41:38Speaker 04

  Because I, and I have friends that have done Kill Tony, and it's changed their careers.

• 41:41Andrew Santino?

  It does.

• 41:42Speaker 04

  It's big, and it's popular, and fucking, you know, it's, it's a cancer in this country, but that's fine.

• 41:48Andrew Santino?

  We love cancer here.

• 41:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 41:50Andrew Santino?

  Because insurance is hard to get.

• 41:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's more money for everyone.

• 41:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, baby.

• 41:55Speaker 04

  When I saw Cam doing the Kill Tony spots, I certainly, I thought he was great. But I was like, "Oh, he's gonna just be in this world, which is this huge echo chamber, where certain stuff is reinforced and other stuff is discouraged. And what is discouraged is creativity and being genuine and being actually funny."

• 42:13Andrew Santino?

  Hates it so much.

• 42:14Speaker 04

  And then, and then I saw his SNL stuff, and then I saw, I saw him at the fucking Cellar. I was just, I was there in fucking November. Buddy, when I tell you he killed.

• 42:25Andrew Santino?

  He's a, he's a star.

• 42:26Speaker 04

  It's unbelievable.

• 42:27Andrew Santino?

  When he came on this show, we knew he was a star.

• 42:28Speaker 04

  And you know why? Because he's shaking off.

• 42:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 42:31Speaker 04

  He got the stank off of him.

• 42:32Andrew Santino?

  Well, he was, he's just an independent comedian. He just wanted someone to show his ability.

• 42:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 42:36Andrew Santino?

  So this is where I'm playing devil's advocate, right? I don't hate it the way you hate it. I think it's very funny that you hate it. I love it.

• 42:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:41Andrew Santino?

  I love a lot of things about what those things find. I hate a lot of things about...

• 42:45Speaker 04

  Ari Matti.

• 42:46Andrew Santino?

  Fantastic.

• 42:47Speaker 04

  Ari Matti, I knew when he, he was just the biggest comedian in Estonia.

• 42:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 42:52Speaker 04

  And he was learning to do comedy and English. Ari's one of my oldest friends in the world.

• 42:56Andrew Santino?

  He's fantastic.

• 42:56Speaker 04

  I love that fucking boy. When I saw that clip come up of him smashing it on fucking Kill Tony, I was so tough for him.

• 43:05Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 04

  Because my boy is doing the hardest thing in the world, which is to be a foreign comedian succeeding in America.

• 43:11Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 43:11Speaker 04

  This is the hardest nut to fucking crack. You're the, when we talk about stand-up, this country invented it.

• 43:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:18Speaker 04

  This is the country of stand-up.

• 43:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:20Speaker 04

  It invented it, it perfected it. 90% of the greatest stand-ups that have ever lived come from this country. 90% of the greatest comedians in the world are from this fucking country. You are the country of stand-up, and it's one of the few good things you've done. Apart from, you know, bombing Japan out of imperialism. Like, I, to, even as somebody who is marginally successful in this country...

• 43:47Andrew Santino?

  You're very successful.

• 43:48Speaker 04

  The, the biggest guru to me, to succeed here, will always be the biggest thing to me. Like, I cannot believe that I sound like this here. Like, this country where stand-up was born and fucking made is, like, man, it's cool to fucking be a celebrity in India. Like, I love that.

• 44:07Andrew Santino?

  I'd want to be a Bollywood star.

• 44:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, that's all, like, I like being famous in fucking India. I, you know, I like selling tickets to 5,000 people in fucking Moscow. That's a really cool fucking thing.

• 44:15Andrew Santino?

  Very.

• 44:16Speaker 04

  To sell out a theater here, and to be able to tour this country is like, ah, ah, for Ari to blow up and do fucking... I want that for my boy.

• 44:28Andrew Santino?

  So that's why I find the good in the other side of it. That's my devil's advocacy, is like, that show does do wonderful things. I get the, I get your point of contention.

• 44:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:36Andrew Santino?

  I know what you don't like.

• 44:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:38Andrew Santino?

  I do like so much about it, but I do hate stand-up in general now a little bit, because it's, because it's been, and it's not that show. It's more my bother comes from, people see that show, young comics, and they emulate it, and they want to be on it and try to do what it is. And I'm like, "We used to just try to figure it out on your own." You, you kinda, it was like Rubik's Cubing, where you're like, "Dude, don't watch a tutorial. Try to figure it out on your own."

• 45:04Speaker 04

  Kill Tony is, for stand-up comedy, what porn was for us when we were 13, which is like, "Oh, girls like their face being cummed on." Because in every porn I watch, girls like their face being cummed on. And then you have sex with women, and they're like, "What are you doing?"

• 45:19Andrew Santino?

  Don't do that. Don't do it. Why are you doing that?

• 45:20Speaker 04

  That's what Kill Tony is. No woman wants their face cummed on.

• 45:25Andrew Santino?

  No, they, well, they definitely don't.

• 45:26Speaker 04

  They don't. They never want it.

• 45:28Andrew Santino?

  Especially if you love them.

• 45:28Speaker 04

  My wife loves me. My wife loves my cum. I gave her two great kids.

• 45:32Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 45:32Speaker 04

  She want to cum on her face?

• 45:33Andrew Santino?

  No, she has to use her face. That's her face. Yeah, that's insane.

• 45:36Speaker 04

  And why would I cover her beautiful face?

• 45:38Andrew Santino?

  No, and also, if somebody touches my face, if somebody touches my face, I have a panic attack. I don't want cum on it.

• 45:44Speaker 04

  If I touch my, the, I consider myself, look, I'm, I'm straight, but I can acknowledge when men are fucking attractive. I've kissed men in my life, just to check.

• 45:53Andrew Santino?

  Have you?

• 45:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:54Andrew Santino?

  Just to test?

• 45:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:56Andrew Santino?

  Putting your toe in the, in the water?

• 45:57Speaker 04

  How'd you know you don't like broccoli if you haven't eaten broccoli?

• 45:59Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 46:00Speaker 04

  I think...

• 46:01Andrew Santino?

  Well, I'll tell you what, broccoli, broccoli is a trick, because it does look like shit, but you're like, "This is pretty good."

• 46:05Speaker 04

  Man, regularly throughout my twenties, I would say every two years, I would intentionally...

• 46:11Andrew Santino?

  Kiss a guy every two years?

• 46:13Speaker 04

  Just to see, because I, man, I like a fucking dig it up the arse. I'm close.

• 46:17Andrew Santino?

  Sure. No, that's not, that's, a digit in the ass is actually, it's our secret. What do we say? That's like when you find the, when you find the flute in Super Mario Brothers? And you're like, "Whoa, I can't believe it. That's there."

• 46:28Speaker 04

  Like, look, I've always loved women. I've always been fucking attracted to women. But I'm like, "You got to check."

• 46:35Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 46:36Speaker 04

  You got to check. Every time I've kissed a man, it's been the worst experience of my life.

• 46:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, men are disgusting.

• 46:39Speaker 04

  Oh, their tongues are so muscly.

• 46:41Andrew Santino?

  Well, they're just...

• 46:43Speaker 04

  Kissing a woman is so soft and gentle.

• 46:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 46:47Speaker 04

  Kissing a man...

• 46:48Andrew Santino?

  So, yeah, see, I'm remarkably unattractive to men. I wouldn't even...

• 46:51Speaker 04

  It's all, buddy.

• 46:52Andrew Santino?

  Because I'm a guy, and I know what I look like when I get out of the shower.

• 46:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:55Andrew Santino?

  And I, when I look at, I said this before, when I look, when I, when I have that mirror that faces my shower, I get out, I turn to the right, there's a mirror right there. And I see my little shower penis and my gross body, and I think, "I could never see this every day." That would gross me out.

• 47:06Speaker 04

  Like, it's...

• 47:07Andrew Santino?

  In fact, I don't want my wife to come near the bathroom when I shower.

• 47:09Speaker 04

  When I find men attractive, it's never their dick. I like their jaw. I like their fucking abs.

• 47:14Andrew Santino?

  It's a feature. It's a feature.

• 47:16Speaker 04

  Also, straight men are the worst. Straight, what straight men think attractive men are is so incorrect.

• 47:25Andrew Santino?

  What is that? What is it?

• 47:27Speaker 04

  What, two of my friends, who I think are objectively the ugliest people that have ever lived, I bully them about being ugly and bald and disgusting, women find them super hot.

• 47:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 47:38Speaker 04

  Because when I, as a straight man, I'm like, "What's, what would I like to look like? Rept, chiseled, nice fucking hair, all put back." Women like a bit of rough.

• 47:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they don't want, right, they don't want this clean, perfect.

• 47:52Speaker 04

  No.

• 47:53Andrew Santino?

  No, they like, the thing that you go, "Ooh, that's kind of gross." Girls are like, "Ooh." That's why girls like popping pimples on your back. Girl, girls like the nitty and nasty of a guy, because otherwise they'd be into women. If they liked clean, they'd be into women.

• 48:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, but not lesbians.

• 48:06Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, no, no. That's a whole different story.

• 48:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:10Andrew Santino?

  That is true.

• 48:11Speaker 04

  Gay, I mean, I've got so many fucking gay friends, and it's where I learned, it's like...

• 48:19Speaker 05

  Hello, I'm Chris Richards, general manager at Safr Volkswagen Richmond. I'm here to announce an exciting new program that I want you to listen to. Here's my friend, Happy.

• 48:28Speaker 06

  Hi, I'm Happy Harry Turner, special finance manager at Safr Credit.com. If you're in an open Chapter 13 bankruptcy, recently filed a Chapter 7, or you've been turned down because of credit challenges, don't give up. For nearly 30 years, I've helped people get reliable transportation when others said no. Visit Safr Credit.com. Remember, I'm not happy unless you are.

• 48:49Speaker 03

  Honey, that flu keeping you up? Yeah, I don't got this. You need NyQuil Intense Flu.

• 48:54Andrew Santino?

  Undo your flu symptoms with NyQuil Intense Flu. The nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best sleep with a flu. Medicine. You do got this. Users directed, keep out of reach of children.

• 49:04Speaker 04

  What I thought gay guys would be into was poops. Like, just like chiseled fucking thing. The gay guys I know are like, I wanna fuck men.

• 49:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 49:16Speaker 04

  I wanna fuck straight men.

• 49:18Andrew Santino?

  Sweaty, stinky men.

• 49:19Speaker 04

  Stinky, awful, the women are, and gays will hate me saying this, women are super close to gays.

• 49:27Andrew Santino?

  Ah.

• 49:28Speaker 04

  They, they, look, they hate each other because they're both horrible people.

• 49:34Speaker 04

  But they love, you, there's, there's nothing gayer than a straight man's opinion of what an attractive man is.

• 49:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 49:43Speaker 04

  Because it's so wrong.

• 49:44Andrew Santino?

  It's wrong, yeah.

• 49:45Speaker 04

  Women want a little, they want genuineness, they want a bit fucking rough, they want a bit fucking dirt under the fucking fingernails.

• 49:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, a little pooch, they don't, they like the little, they like the slobbiness is kinda nice.

• 49:57Speaker 04

  Only, only men, only men, like Brad Pitt in Fight Club.

• 50:02Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you don't, you think, no, women don't like that at all?

• 50:04Speaker 04

  No.

• 50:05Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 50:05Speaker 04

  No, buddy, I've been going to the gym for like a year and like I, my arms have gone a little bit bigger.

• 50:11Andrew Santino?

  Your kid's looking good.

• 50:13Speaker 04

  I'm so sensitive about this, but like I'm, when I go back from LA on Monday, I'm gonna do a fucking strip for three weeks. I'm going to a friend's fifty birthday, because I want abs. My wife is uninterested.

• 50:24Andrew Santino?

  Doesn't matter to her, wouldn't do anything for her.

• 50:26Speaker 04

  No, no, no, what my wife likes is when I pick up both of my children and I take them away from her.

• 50:35Andrew Santino?

  But that's why you're going to the gym, so you can scoop these children up and walk away with them arm in arm.

• 50:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, and also like, my wife's out of my league by, in so many aspects.

• 50:46Andrew Santino?

  She has to be, she must be.

• 50:47Speaker 04

  So like I, the reason I go to the gym is because I, I'm so sick of disgracing her in public.

• 50:54Andrew Santino?

  People go, this, that's, you guys are-

• 50:56Speaker 04

  There was a photo of us in San Francisco when, when she was seven months pregnant, feeling the worst she's ever fucking felt. There's a picture of us in San Francisco where she looks like my lawyer for a frat sexual assault that I did.

• 51:14Speaker 04

  And I was, and it was how I dressed and it was how I was, and I was like, I can't make this woman. Because she loves me for who I am on the inside.

• 51:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 51:25Speaker 04

  I can't make her hang out with a big.

• 51:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, no, it's bad for her image.

• 51:30Speaker 04

  It's disrespectful.

• 51:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, quite frankly, it's bad.

• 51:31Speaker 04

  It's really disrespectful, and not even disrespectful in the way that she likes, but it's disrespectful.

• 51:36Andrew Santino?

  It's disrespectful.

• 51:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:37Andrew Santino?

  It's funny because there are cultures, there are cultures, there are cultures where the men are deliberate slobs and the women love it.

• 51:46Speaker 04

  Really?

• 51:46Andrew Santino?

  Oh, brother, right here.

• 51:48Speaker 04

  Don't name the cultures, but do the accents.

• 51:51Andrew Santino?

  Bro, bro, bro, bro.

• 51:55Andrew Santino?

  These men are almost always bald, they're always got big, big, big, big bellies, slicked back hair, uh, glasses, and it's all designer, always designer. And the women stunning, and the guys always are slobs. Am I wrong? You know what the fuck I'm saying.

• 52:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:13Andrew Santino?

  Go to the Glendale Galleria and tell me I'm wrong. Go and walk around by a Versace store and you will see-

• 52:18Speaker 04

  Just say Armenia.

• 52:19Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. You will see a slovenly man with a stunning woman, who by the way, goes to the gym five days a week. He's not interested in going near a fucking cardio machine and they, they love it.

• 52:31Speaker 04

  The only reason he would go to the gym is to throw out slarts.

• 52:36Speaker 04

  He's paying the twenty fee, the twenty entrance fee every day.

• 52:40Andrew Santino?

  Exactly right.

• 52:40Speaker 04

  And he's like, oh, you-

• 52:42Andrew Santino?

  Just so he can go off and smoke and go out front, smoke, go back inside and talk shit. Yeah, no, that's a thing.

• 52:47Speaker 04

  He's like, I had a fag outside and there's more in here.

• 52:52Andrew Santino?

  That is a cultural thing, but they like slovenly looking, it's not, the younger generation, different story now.

• 52:59Speaker 04

  The smarter generation.

• 52:59Andrew Santino?

  The smarter generation, yes. The younger kids are different, but the older guys, the older guys I see in the neighborhood, brother, these women are stunning and the men are how in the fuck. But you, of course you've outkicked your coverage, right? You have to.

• 53:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:11Andrew Santino?

  You have to, you're, you have to, you're, you're going up. Women settle down.

• 53:15Speaker 04

  Ask me how I met my wife.

• 53:16Andrew Santino?

  How?

• 53:17Speaker 04

  She's my ex-girlfriend's younger sister.

• 53:19Andrew Santino?

  Shut the fuck up, really? So your sister-in-law is your ex?

• 53:24Speaker 04

  My sister-in-law is the aunt of my children and she's a wonderful aunt.

• 53:28Andrew Santino?

  And you, how did that get, how did that get sorted? How did you, what is this conversation like? I'm in love with your younger sister?

• 53:35Speaker 04

  No, no, no, so, so, the, the, the caveats and the fucking asterisks. My ex-girlfriend, we dated for three months when we were twenty-one.

• 53:44Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's not a real thing. When you said ex, I, I thought you meant like it's a long-term, three months, twenty-one, kids, kids dating is not a, that's, no, no, no, that's, that's fine.

• 53:52Speaker 04

  We liked each other and we had the healthiest breakup I've ever had in my life because we really liked each other, but we really realized that we were just very different people who wanted different things for life.

• 54:01Andrew Santino?

  Sure, you're twenty-one.

• 54:02Speaker 04

  And then afterwards, eh, she got into a relationship, she was with a guy for like five years. The reason I know this was because she's a very caring person and she would check in on me, she was really proud of my career, she was worried about my mental health. She was just a good person, so we stayed in contact, uh, maybe twice a year during that time.

• 54:24Speaker 04

  And then I do a show, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in two thousand and sixteen, five years after we break up. And in the front row is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life and it really, you've got to understand how ugly my audience is. I don't know what you get. My audience, my audience is, I'm very proud of the audience I have, my audience is sixty-six percent women. I think it's really good for like any type, the reason why Michelle Wolf is such an impressive comic is because Michelle Wolf rips to men.

• 54:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 04

  Right? Michelle Wolf is one of the greatest comics because going across to the other side is really tough.

• 55:03Andrew Santino?

  It's very hard.

• 55:04Speaker 04

  It's unbelievable. I love the fact that most of my audience are, eh, women, I'm proud of that, I love that.

• 55:12Speaker 04

  A lot of neurodivergent munters.

• 55:18Speaker 04

  A lot of people who are beautiful on the inside.

• 55:21Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 55:21Speaker 04

  Empathetic kind. So when I walk out on stage and there's just this northern slut.

• 55:28Speaker 04

  This ten out of ten fucking smoke show in the front, and I recognize her as my ex's younger sister, I've met her before.

• 55:35Andrew Santino?

  You never thought anything of it prior?

• 55:37Speaker 04

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, because when, when I was twenty-one, twenty-two dating my ex, eh, Cara, my beautiful and perfect wife, was nineteen. I'm not looking at a fucking nineteen, also-

• 55:51Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're twenty-one, she's nineteen, that's not insane.

• 55:53Speaker 04

  No, no, no, but you-

• 55:53Andrew Santino?

  It's quite close.

• 55:54Speaker 04

  My, the thing, my father-in-law, who I love so, I love my father-in-law. I, if I could spend a week with him on holiday, I would.

• 56:06Andrew Santino?

  Does he have a fear you might date his wife? Because I mean, you're moving down a line.

• 56:09Speaker 04

  The first thing he said, buddy, buddy, right, right, right, right, right.

• 56:12Andrew Santino?

  He's like, you're trying to hit all the girls in the family?

• 56:14Speaker 04

  When, uh, so me and Cara, my wife, we date in secret for like a year, we were just fuck buddies, we fall in love during this time. And then she, I'm like, come to New York, we've never spent more than a day in each other's company with clothes on.

• 56:29Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  Come to New York for a week and let's find out if we actually like each other.

• 56:33Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 56:33Speaker 04

  My wife comes over to New York, within eighteen hours I tell her I love her because I felt it instantly just being with her. She tells her parents, uh, that we've been doing this. I then have to go back and re-meet my in-law.

• 56:51Speaker 04

  I, I go to my wife's childhood home, which I'd been in before.

• 56:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you've been there, yeah. You know where the bathroom is, you're like, I do, yeah, I actually, I remember where it is, yeah.

• 57:01Speaker 04

  My mother-in-law opens the door and for the first time in my life, I have nothing to say. There, I don't know enough words for sorry. I don't know how to explain myself, I, I, the, the, like, blood drains from my fucking face and my mother-in-law laughs. She grabs me, she brings me into a hug and she whispers in my ear, it's lovely to see you again. And I'm so grateful that she made a joke.

• 57:30Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 57:31Speaker 04

  That she was the first person to like break the fucking tension, that like I really hugged her. My father-in-law, and this is one hundred percent fucking true, my father-in-law comes in, separates us and says, you're not getting the hat-trick.

• 57:48Andrew Santino?

  That is a home run. That's incredible. You're not getting the hat trick, pal.

• 57:51Speaker 04

  You're not getting the hat trick?

• 57:52Andrew Santino?

  No chance.

• 57:53Speaker 04

  And he was wrong because I fucked him.

• 57:54Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you did. I was gonna say, he was, that was him being like, but I'm-

• 57:58Speaker 04

  The goal of dating both of his daughters was to just call him daddy one day.

• 58:05Andrew Santino?

  Like a good son-in-law.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:07Andrew Santino?

  Daddy, you want me to carve the turkey daddy?

• 58:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:10Andrew Santino?

  Now, they from your hometown?

• 58:11Speaker 04

  No, no, no. My wife is scum. She's, she's, like, I raised, I taught her English, I taught her cutlery, I rescued her from Aberdeen.

• 58:20Andrew Santino?

  Numbers, everything, really, from the start?

• 58:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:23Andrew Santino?

  She's from like the countryside?

• 58:24Speaker 04

  No, worse, Aberdeen.

• 58:27Andrew Santino?

  Oh, Aberdeen.

• 58:27Speaker 04

  So like Aberdeen used to be the oil capital of like the fucking UK. So in like the eighties and nineties, big time, I don't know if you know this, but like oil's unlimited.

• 58:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, there's a lot of it.

• 58:40Speaker 04

  Of sorts. So in the two thousands, Aberdeen died a little bit. It's called, it's the saddest city in the world. It's all gray. It's called the granite city. My wife is the happiest and most joyful person. I say this next thing with love. My wife is unburdened with an inner monologue, right?

• 58:59Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 59:00Speaker 04

  Doesn't, when I, when I come back from thanapane and I talk to my wife about how I feel about myself and like my really vicious, critical inner monologue, she's like, that's own stuff. And I'm like, what do you talk to yourself about, like during the day? She's like, I don't talk to myself.

• 59:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, I'm busy, I'm doing stuff.

• 59:20Speaker 04

  If nothing's happening, I don't think about anything.

• 59:22Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 59:22Speaker 04

  I'm like, what do you, what do you mean?

• 59:25Andrew Santino?

  How does she get there? Is she very intelligent? No, it's the opposite.

• 59:28Speaker 04

  No, emotionally, absolutely.

• 59:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 59:31Speaker 04

  Uh, academically, we're both dumb. Academically, me and my wife, we're both very dumb.

• 59:35Andrew Santino?

  You're not a dumb guy.

• 59:37Speaker 04

  I'm not, I'm not-

• 59:38Andrew Santino?

  You weren't good in school.

• 59:40Speaker 04

  No.

• 59:40Andrew Santino?

  That's also because school wasn't good for you. That's what I like to say. School wasn't right for some people. I, I was atrocious in, in school. It's not because I was dumb, it's because it was completely-

• 59:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's the wrong thing.

• 59:50Andrew Santino?

  Very uninteresting.

• 59:51Speaker 04

  My wife is the most emotionally intelligent person I've ever met in my entire life. Her intelligence is her ability to absorb information and apply it to the future, which is what real intelligence is.

• 1:00:00Andrew Santino?

  That's what, yeah, that's what advanced humans are supposed to do.

• 1:00:03Speaker 04

  Knowledge-wise, she's the thickest- Can I tell you, my favorite, my favorite thing my dumb bitch wife has ever said?

• 1:00:10Andrew Santino?

  This is dirty Nate Bargatze?

• 1:00:14Speaker 04

  During COVID, I get the, you know the changeable weights? Like, you put them down-

• 1:00:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you stack them there, yeah, exactly.

• 1:00:22Speaker 04

  And you rotate it and it goes from-

• 1:00:23Andrew Santino?

  Why can't I take the name of those fucking things?

• 1:00:25Speaker 04

  But it's like, it goes from three kilos to twenty-five kilos.

• 1:00:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:28Speaker 04

  I buy two of those dumbbells. They come to the house and I say to my wife, I'm gonna move them out to the, the office, and all the house is out in the fucking cars, I'm gonna move it out there, that's where the gym is. Can you open the doors for me? Because I'm just gonna carry these two boxes myself. My wife, my beautiful, perfect wife, goes, why don't you just turn the weights down?

• 1:00:51Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow. Genius.

• 1:00:54Speaker 04

  And so, you know when somebody says something so stupid that you, you're not even gonna insult them? You just wanna let them exist in this stupidity-

• 1:01:04Andrew Santino?

  Let them have it.

• 1:01:05Speaker 04

  So you can study it.

• 1:01:05Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:01:06Speaker 04

  And I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, well, why don't you just turn the weights down to a lower weight to take them over? And I'm like, do you think if that technology existed, NASA wouldn't be using it to get to the moon? You reckon with this technology, where you can turn the weight of something, they're wasting it on weights? You dumb fuck. And, and it finally clicked with her, she's like, I feel like that was stupid. And I'm like, bitch?

• 1:01:38Speaker 04

  Bitch, apart from loving me, it's the dumbest thing you've ever done.

• 1:01:42Andrew Santino?

  Turn the weights down and you let them sit in it. Don't say anything. Don't be mean.

• 1:01:46Speaker 04

  When somebody says something stupid-

• 1:01:49Andrew Santino?

  You let David Attenborough, uh, uh, voice the, do the, you know, like-

• 1:01:52Speaker 04

  Study it.

• 1:01:53Andrew Santino?

  And the idiot sits alone in its stupor.

• 1:01:54Speaker 04

  Allow that stupidity to grow. Let it thrive. Let's see what other new directions it can go in.

• 1:02:02Andrew Santino?

  Because if you do say something, you're starting a fight.

• 1:02:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:06Andrew Santino?

  And you're starting a fight that you don't wanna have. Because you're, because you become self-righteous asshole. Like, you know everything, huh?

• 1:02:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:14Andrew Santino?

  Because I, you gotta hold the top, when, if my wife and I are doing a thing and she says something, I'll just go,

• 1:02:21Andrew Santino?

  okay, and then she'll go, what?

• 1:02:28Andrew Santino?

  What? Okay. And she'll start to slowly go, well, okay, you know what?

• 1:02:32Speaker 04

  No, you don't, your problem is-

• 1:02:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's it. It becomes, it becomes this divergence. You're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, swat it away, get it away. Now, when you go home, you have to be super dad, because you're gone.

• 1:02:47Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:02:48Andrew Santino?

  Right?

• 1:02:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:48Andrew Santino?

  Do you do the things where you're like, I'm cooking, I'm cleaning, I'm supplementing all the things that I've been gone for, or no?

• 1:02:54Speaker 04

  Um-

• 1:02:55Andrew Santino?

  It's hard.

• 1:02:56Speaker 04

  I'm really blessed in, I'm a feminist man who marries a non-feminist woman.

• 1:03:04Andrew Santino?

  Hmm.

• 1:03:05Speaker 04

  Which is the dream.

• 1:03:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's the dream.

• 1:03:08Speaker 04

  So when I, my wife was, uh, her job prior was, she was, she was just a personal assistant at a big corporation. She was offered for promotions. She was like, nope, I like what I am, I, limited responsibility.

• 1:03:26Andrew Santino?

  Loves being at home.

• 1:03:27Speaker 04

  She's, when I gave her the option to be like, hey, I earn enough for both of us, if you wanna be a stay-at-home, she was like, yep.

• 1:03:35Andrew Santino?

  Didn't even finish it. Ah, yes, yes, take, take, take, take.

• 1:03:38Speaker 04

  She was like, yeah, I'm really blessed to have a wife. When I am about, when I went out to Australia for three and a half weeks, where it was really tough for me, like, I really, I hate being away from home.

• 1:03:49Andrew Santino?

  And that's a long fucking way from home.

• 1:03:50Speaker 04

  It's a long fucking time.

• 1:03:53Speaker 04

  Before I go out there, my wife sits me down and she goes, I could not do what you're about to do. I could not leave our children for three and a half weeks. And the fact that you're willing to do it for us as a family makes me super proud of you.

• 1:04:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:09Speaker 04

  And I'm really grateful. And I'm just like, oh my God. Thank God I upgraded the iPhone, because your sister wasn't like that.

• 1:04:21Speaker 04

  I got, I, I got, I got, I got the best wife in the world.

• 1:04:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's a home run.

• 1:04:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:26Andrew Santino?

  But that's, but that's good. There's, there's nothing wrong with this world, this is the problem, is like, these roles that we express in our own private personal relationships have been co-opted by other people's opinions of what people should do. Like, you know, this trad wife thing that people do on the internet now? But it's so funny, it's like, they're selling that as if the only version of that is that. And you're like, no, no, no, people can negotiate their own fucking terms. And stop pretending like, if someone does wanna stay at home, that's bad, or if someone does wanna have a dual-working household, that's stupid.

• 1:04:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:55Andrew Santino?

  I, I, that bothered me forever. Well, I grew up with, both of my parents worked my whole life, right? My stepdad had a really good job, and when he married my mom, you know, uh, she, well, had to keep working. It's not like my dad was, she probably at some point maybe could, could have if she wanted, but she loved it. And it was never even a conversation. So I only grew up knowing women who work, because all our friends were women who work. And so, in my adult life, I always sought women who didn't have to have like a super deep passion, but enjoyed working in some, of a thing that they like. And there's nothing wrong with the other, but I just was always attracted to it because it was what I grew up with.

• 1:05:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:36Andrew Santino?

  It's what I saw. Like, my mom, I never came home to fresh baked cookies. Like, when I would go to those kids' houses, that was fucking your house. Yes.

• 1:05:45Speaker 04

  If they weren't working.

• 1:05:46Andrew Santino?

  Yes, yeah, but that was your house.

• 1:05:46Speaker 04

  Both of them worked too.

• 1:05:47Andrew Santino?

  Your mom is a very Midwest mom.

• 1:05:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, but she's a teacher.

• 1:05:49Andrew Santino?

  Like, I never came home-

• 1:05:50Speaker 04

  Where you from?

• 1:05:51Andrew Santino?

  Minnesota.

• 1:05:51Speaker 04

  Minnesota. Oh, she, oh.

• 1:05:53Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah, cookies out there. His dad and I have hung out a few times, much more than your mom and I. Your dad and I are bad boys together.

• 1:06:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:01Andrew Santino?

  I've said, this, this guy's parents get hammered.

• 1:06:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, of course, they do, they're Minnesota, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:05Andrew Santino?

  I got smoked with his parents. Smoked with these guys.

• 1:06:08Speaker 04

  The, the worst and most incorrect stereotype that the Brits have about Americans is that we think you cannot drink.

• 1:06:17Andrew Santino?

  They can't drink, I know. This, this, go ahead, when you go back, tell those motherfuckers what happened to you the other night.

• 1:06:22Speaker 04

  I tell them, I, I tell, the old, there's been four times in my life I've been blackout drunk and all four of them were in this goddamn country.

• 1:06:31Andrew Santino?

  We did it, baby.

• 1:06:32Speaker 04

  Like, there is, you guys-

• 1:06:35Andrew Santino?

  We do it.

• 1:06:36Speaker 04

  My favorite time in the world comes from Australia, sinking piss.

• 1:06:40Andrew Santino?

  Sinking piss.

• 1:06:41Speaker 04

  Sinking piss.

• 1:06:41Andrew Santino?

  That's amazing.

• 1:06:43Speaker 04

  You guys sink piss-

• 1:06:45Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:46Speaker 04

  In a way that is confronting.

• 1:06:50Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 1:06:51Speaker 04

  In a way that is, uh, concerning.

• 1:06:54Andrew Santino?

  God bless.

• 1:06:55Speaker 04

  In a way that is so, like, because, like, look, I'm Scottish, I pride myself on fucking drinking whiskey. Like, we can, we can sink shit.

• 1:07:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:05Speaker 04

  Uh, pretty well. You guys drink to a level that is like, oh my God, you, you all hate your country.

• 1:07:18Andrew Santino?

  Do you wanna tell, you were, you told the story about your other day before we were rolling, Ken? Oh, yeah, before we rolled, tell the story.

• 1:07:23Speaker 04

  About the- About Thursday?

• 1:07:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:26Andrew Santino?

  Because here's why, by the way, and let me tell you exactly why we drink this way, here. Particularly, it's a re, this is a regional thing, right? So, same thing, this is the United States joke.

• 1:07:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:37Andrew Santino?

  In the Midwest, where we come from, in Chicago, in Minneapolis, you, we drink heavily because it's terrible fucking weather, and when it's the worst weather, which you guys, your weather's bad, you can't fuck with our winters. It's absurd. Chicago winters are, they annihilate you as a person.

• 1:07:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:56Andrew Santino?

  They fuck up your psyche. It ruins you.

• 1:07:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:59Andrew Santino?

  And you drink for community and you drink for family happiness and warmth. You really do. You're like, I'm gonna get drunk with my friends because it's gonna make me feel good up here, it's gonna make my, my body feel good. And then the summer comes and you're like, we gotta go outside and get fucking hammered, the summer's here. So we don't have, we don't have a balance.

• 1:08:16Speaker 04

  Tap, taps half weather? You know taps half?

• 1:08:19Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:08:20Speaker 04

  In Scotland, uh, I'm gonna need you to Google Fahrenheit here, buddy.

• 1:08:24Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:24Speaker 04

  Do twenty degrees Celsius into Fahrenheit?

• 1:08:27Andrew Santino?

  I think it's like sev, no.

• 1:08:29Speaker 04

  It's a disgustingly low number.

• 1:08:30Andrew Santino?

  It's like sixty-seven, I think. Yeah.

• 1:08:32Speaker 04

  Sixty-eight.

• 1:08:33Andrew Santino?

  Sixty-eight. Ah, it was close.

• 1:08:34Speaker 04

  So, sixty, sixty-

• 1:08:35Andrew Santino?

  See that? You like that? I'm worldly.

• 1:08:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, there you go.

• 1:08:38Andrew Santino?

  I leave it on Celsius when I go overseas, just so I can-

• 1:08:39Speaker 04

  Also, with your hair and skin, I know you know temperatures. This kind understands UV in every country.

• 1:08:48Andrew Santino?

  It's the first thing I look at on the weather app. I go, sunscreen till four? Got it.

• 1:08:51Speaker 04

  Before time difference.

• 1:08:56Speaker 04

  Uh, in Scotland.

• 1:08:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:58Speaker 04

  There is a national problem of the second it gets above twenty degrees.

• 1:09:06Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:09:07Speaker 04

  It is sixty eight Fahrenheit, it's taps half weather. Taps is tops.

• 1:09:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, tops.

• 1:09:12Speaker 04

  Which is taps off.

• 1:09:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, tops off. Let's go.

• 1:09:15Speaker 04

  The more people phone in sick when it's twenty degrees in Scotland than they did during Covid.

• 1:09:25Speaker 04

  Businesses just under, in Scotland.

• 1:09:28Andrew Santino?

  Everything just.

• 1:09:28Speaker 04

  They have to.

• 1:09:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they don't have a choice.

• 1:09:30Speaker 04

  They're like, they're like, if, oh, everyone unfortunately today got the cold on the hottest day. When it's twenty fucking degrees in Scotland, when it's sixty fucking Fahrenheit, nobody goes to work.

• 1:09:42Andrew Santino?

  Nope.

• 1:09:42Speaker 04

  We all find, because there's only seven days of it during Scotland. You're only getting.

• 1:09:46Andrew Santino?

  You get a week and a half, maybe two.

• 1:09:48Speaker 04

  Do you know the longest heat wave ever in Scotland?

• 1:09:50Andrew Santino?

  Uh.

• 1:09:51Speaker 04

  Six days.

• 1:09:52Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my God. That's insane.

• 1:09:55Speaker 04

  It's awful.

• 1:09:56Andrew Santino?

  And the tops you get, or the highest you get would be like twenty two, twenty three?

• 1:10:00Speaker 04

  No, no, no, no. We do get to twenty six sometimes.

• 1:10:03Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 1:10:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:04Andrew Santino?

  The peak of the summer.

• 1:10:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:06Andrew Santino?

  Like the hottest it could ever be.

• 1:10:07Speaker 04

  We've burned some oil, baby.

• 1:10:10Andrew Santino?

  Let's go.

• 1:10:11Speaker 04

  Let's fucking.

• 1:10:12Andrew Santino?

  Open it up.

• 1:10:13Speaker 04

  Let's go see that ozone layer.

• 1:10:15Andrew Santino?

  Open it up.

• 1:10:15Speaker 04

  Fucking two fingers.

• 1:10:16Andrew Santino?

  Open it up.

• 1:10:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:10:19Andrew Santino?

  Finger that fucking thing. Widen it up.

• 1:10:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, we don't mind global warming in the UK. This is Frank, a Frankie Boyle joke, but it's true. Scottish people love global warming because one day we'll get to watch the English drown.

• 1:10:33Speaker 04

  When sea levels rise.

• 1:10:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:36Speaker 04

  We're watching races gargle themselves to fucking death while we're in the Highlands.

• 1:10:41Andrew Santino?

  So you hate the English.

• 1:10:44Speaker 04

  My closest friends, my cousins.

• 1:10:46Andrew Santino?

  You know what I mean.

• 1:10:47Speaker 04

  The best. I would, without hesitation, slit the throat of any Englishman if I knew there was no consequence.

• 1:10:55Andrew Santino?

  But you're like us, that's like the Irish. Yeah, that's like.

• 1:10:57Speaker 04

  And I love England.

• 1:10:58Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, sure.

• 1:10:58Speaker 04

  I love England.

• 1:10:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:11:00Speaker 04

  Going there.

• 1:11:00Andrew Santino?

  Of course.

• 1:11:01Speaker 04

  I love my friends, my closest friends.

• 1:11:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:03Speaker 04

  I'd kill every one of them. I'd kill every fucking one of those pieces of shit in a heartbeat. Because even though they're not all racist, they're all racist.

• 1:11:11Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, of course. What do you mean? Yes, they are.

• 1:11:12Speaker 04

  They're all racist. They're all the worst people in the world.

• 1:11:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, they started it.

• 1:11:16Speaker 04

  They, they, they, they.

• 1:11:17Andrew Santino?

  Fucking started it.

• 1:11:18Speaker 04

  I.

• 1:11:19Andrew Santino?

  I can't believe we never toured in Glasgow, by the way.

• 1:11:21Speaker 04

  Buddy, buddy, the thing.

• 1:11:23Andrew Santino?

  We couldn't. It bummed me out. We didn't fit our timeline. They didn't have a theater.

• 1:11:26Speaker 04

  I suck so much of like, when you come to the UK, you're like, we'll go to Manchester and Newcastle. I'm like, buddy, Edinburgh and Glasgow.

• 1:11:35Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:36Speaker 04

  You have to do both.

• 1:11:37Andrew Santino?

  I know.

• 1:11:37Speaker 04

  Because Edinburgh's better than Glasgow, and Glasgow doesn't want to admit that.

• 1:11:42Andrew Santino?

  They just won't.

• 1:11:43Speaker 04

  Glasgow's a better audience. Glasgow's a much better audience.

• 1:11:46Andrew Santino?

  Why? Just because it's?

• 1:11:48Speaker 04

  Well, because they're not posh cunts.

• 1:11:49Andrew Santino?

  Right, right.

• 1:11:51Speaker 04

  Glasgow know they're scum.

• 1:11:53Andrew Santino?

  And that's the best kind of people, dude.

• 1:11:54Speaker 04

  They're the best.

• 1:11:55Andrew Santino?

  That's why those cities here are the best.

• 1:11:56Speaker 04

  Edinburgh, we know, we know without exception, we are the top five greatest capital cities in the world. We are.

• 1:12:05Andrew Santino?

  And so you're up your ass about it a little bit.

• 1:12:07Speaker 04

  Absolutely. With, with, the, the, you want to talk about the beauty of a city? You want to talk about a real city? There, my favorite law in the world exists in Edinburgh. No building in Edinburgh is allowed to be built higher than the height of the castle. So there's no skyscrapers?

• 1:12:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, no, I did, I do notice that when I'm there. There's nothing tall.

• 1:12:28Speaker 04

  Because the highest point in Edinburgh is always going to be the fucking castle. So it doesn't matter where you are in the fucking city.

• 1:12:34Andrew Santino?

  You can see it.

• 1:12:34Speaker 04

  The castle's on the fucking hill. History, history is Edinburgh. History is Edinburgh.

• 1:12:40Andrew Santino?

  That's great.

• 1:12:40Speaker 04

  And it's real old history. Glasgow's history is the seventeen hundreds. It's, it's, it's, you know, like, they are, they, they were the grafters. They were the ironworkers.

• 1:12:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the blue collar, right, right.

• 1:12:54Speaker 04

  The working class come from Glasgow. So Glasgow's proud and beautiful history.

• 1:12:59Andrew Santino?

  And that's a great crowd.

• 1:13:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:02Andrew Santino?

  Probably the best crowd.

• 1:13:03Speaker 04

  They're the best crowd in the world.

• 1:13:03Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:04Speaker 04

  They're the best crowd in the world.

• 1:13:05Andrew Santino?

  Because they're people, people, people. Like, to their core, they go deep.

• 1:13:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:09Andrew Santino?

  That's why those, the working class cities in this country.

• 1:13:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:12Andrew Santino?

  By far the best.

• 1:13:13Speaker 04

  And if you turn up there as a fucking red nugget with that accent. They're gonna be like, when, when did we plant that seed? How did this, how did this three flourish in another?

• 1:13:26Andrew Santino?

  Well, you got lucky, by the way. Because you got, you got a little, you got a little taste of the handsome bug, and it doesn't really, the handsome bug didn't really move around Scotland too much.

• 1:13:32Speaker 04

  I, I think that's very kind of, I consider myself to be a very ugly man.

• 1:13:36Andrew Santino?

  Well, no, you're better looking than a lot of those guys. Scots aren't known for being international models.

• 1:13:41Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:13:41Andrew Santino?

  No, they're not. And I'm not saying anything bad of Scotland. I love you so much, but it's hard to find.

• 1:13:45Speaker 04

  It's a nation of moners.

• 1:13:46Andrew Santino?

  It's, it's hard to find a hottie.

• 1:13:49Speaker 07

  All of them, though. Britain and Ireland, too.

• 1:13:52Andrew Santino?

  No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. Ireland's the most beautiful people in the world.

• 1:13:56Speaker 04

  No, they're, no, no, no.

• 1:13:57Andrew Santino?

  Stop it, no. I'm kidding. Clearly, I'm kidding.

• 1:13:59Speaker 04

  They are disgusting.

• 1:14:02Andrew Santino?

  You can't put us on a magazine.

• 1:14:03Speaker 04

  You could punch an Irishman in the mouth and give him better teeth.

• 1:14:12Andrew Santino?

  But now, the worst of all the Brits, let's be honest, except the British, they're morphing, they're growing, they're learning. They're doing this trick online that I see with a lot of like, young British men and women. They're, they're westernizing the fuck out of, they're stealing like, American style. But it's doing it wrong. It looks like it was like.

• 1:14:31Speaker 04

  We invented your country. You only, you only exist because you wanted to spite us. The only reason your country exists is because you wanted to spit in the face of the Brits.

• 1:14:41Andrew Santino?

  And that's why we're hot. That's why we're sexy fucking people. Because we were like, sit on it.

• 1:14:45Speaker 04

  But never forget, never fucking forget, you exist because we fucked you.

• 1:14:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yes. Well, especially us Vikings got us, right? The Vikings really got us good.

• 1:14:55Speaker 04

  Sloss, second name is Norwegian for fight.

• 1:14:58Andrew Santino?

  Is it?

• 1:14:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:14:59Andrew Santino?

  Sloss means fight.

• 1:15:00Speaker 04

  Sloss means fight, which if you've ever seen me in real life, I've, I've never, I've never thrown a punch in my life.

• 1:15:05Andrew Santino?

  You've never, wait a minute, you've never gotten to a bar fight? No one ever tried to slug you?

• 1:15:09Speaker 04

  Been, I, I've been hit.

• 1:15:11Andrew Santino?

  Ah, there.

• 1:15:11Speaker 04

  Because I'm a cunt.

• 1:15:12Andrew Santino?

  There it is, yeah.

• 1:15:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've, I've been assaulted.

• 1:15:15Andrew Santino?

  You ran your fucking mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've rightfully been beaten up.

• 1:15:19Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:15:20Speaker 04

  I've never won a fight. I've never thrown a punch. I've never.

• 1:15:22Andrew Santino?

  Getting hit in the fucking head is the, we talked about one time.

• 1:15:24Speaker 04

  Glasgow kiss. You know Glasgow kiss?

• 1:15:26Andrew Santino?

  Glasgow kiss? That's when you punch, yeah.

• 1:15:27Speaker 04

  No, no, Glasgow, Glasgow kiss. Somebody squares up to you, forehead to the nose. Yeah.

• 1:15:34Andrew Santino?

  I'd rather you punch me. Please punch me.

• 1:15:35Speaker 04

  Do you know about the Glasgow smile?

• 1:15:37Andrew Santino?

  Wait, that's the, that's the, when they, the knife, right?

• 1:15:40Speaker 04

  Worse. It's what the Joker's scars are based on. Uh, Glasgow drug dealers, uh, if they cut your mouth with just a razor blade. They could sew that up and you would have no scar. So what they did is they put two razor blades on the side of a, either side of a credit card. So that two razor blades had a millimeter.

• 1:16:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:05Speaker 04

  Because if you cut someone's mouth like that, when you stitch it together, you leave a scar forever.

• 1:16:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my God. This is some prison shit. This is some fucking, this is prison rule shit.

• 1:16:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:15Andrew Santino?

  And they cut, they grab your mouth and they cut your face like this.

• 1:16:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:19Andrew Santino?

  It's crazy. Just get guns, you guys. My God, just shoot each other like normal adults.

• 1:16:22Speaker 04

  Creative.

• 1:16:23Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you really are.

• 1:16:24Speaker 04

  More creative.

• 1:16:24Andrew Santino?

  You really are. Well, our, our prison system is the most creative with weapons. You see the, I watched that show, I was watching that, um, uh, uh, uh, it's a documentary on like, our, our most dangerous prisons.

• 1:16:36Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:16:36Andrew Santino?

  And the way that these guys come up with creative ways to hurt each other and fi, like, wield weapons out of, out of like, nothing. I mean, it all starts with like, a toothbrush.

• 1:16:45Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:16:46Andrew Santino?

  They get a plastic toothbrush and they just grind it on the ground, they shave it till it comes to a sharp point.

• 1:16:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:50Andrew Santino?

  So they brush in the, you know, they're in a, in the bathroom area, they brush and then stab someone right in the face. Imagine, you just getting up, brushing your teeth, toothbrush to the neck.

• 1:16:59Speaker 04

  With a, with a soft end.

• 1:17:01Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:17:02Speaker 04

  And you're like, oh, my one friend in this prison. Something that'll never hurt me. Something that's gonna make me happy.

• 1:17:07Andrew Santino?

  My buddy, my buddy Steve. Ah, Steve! Slash, slash. Yeah, you guys do get creative, but you are, I will say this. The love I have for Scotland is because, is because your attitude about Scotland feels like an American city. Like Chicago, Philly. You guys have this like, pride, this like, overarching pride that many other places don't have in Western Europe. They do, but you guys, you guys, you guys kind of are.

• 1:17:40Speaker 04

  Well, well, look, look.

• 1:17:41Andrew Santino?

  A little full of yourself.

• 1:17:42Speaker 04

  No, I, no.

• 1:17:43Andrew Santino?

  A little.

• 1:17:44Speaker 04

  No Scottish person in the world thinks that Scotland is the greatest country in the world.

• 1:17:49Andrew Santino?

  No, but you love it like crazy.

• 1:17:51Speaker 04

  It's our fucking country.

• 1:17:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, see, yeah. A lot of other people are like, nah, it's fine.

• 1:17:55Speaker 04

  I'm allowed to insult my country.

• 1:17:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:57Speaker 04

  If you insult my country, I'll fucking kill your kid in front of your other kids.

• 1:18:02Andrew Santino?

  And we don't mind that you come here and insult America. Do you know why?

• 1:18:05Speaker 04

  The accent?

• 1:18:06Andrew Santino?

  No, because you got to come over here to do it.

• 1:18:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:18:09Andrew Santino?

  See that?

• 1:18:09Speaker 04

  Because you cunts don't come over to where we are.

• 1:18:11Andrew Santino?

  Don't need to. You come, you come to my house. Yeah, you did.

• 1:18:14Speaker 04

  Every single one of you fuckers is like, I've got Scottish heritage. And I'm like, do you?

• 1:18:19Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:18:20Speaker 04

  If you have American heritage, you don't have this skin, buddy. You all have Scottish and Irish heritage because the Highland Clearances, uh, when the Scots were forced out of their fucking land and forced to move across to America to kill those dirty native Indians. Who were feeding the land.

• 1:18:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:43Speaker 04

  Living peacefully.

• 1:18:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, gross.

• 1:18:45Speaker 04

  Living in harm's way.

• 1:18:46Andrew Santino?

  Yuck.

• 1:18:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, what are you, ew.

• 1:18:48Andrew Santino?

  Idiot.

• 1:18:48Speaker 04

  What are you doing?

• 1:18:49Andrew Santino?

  Idiot.

• 1:18:50Speaker 04

  What are you, kill each other. Kill each other. One of you has to be better than the other one. So find out who's stronger than the other one. You cunts have never heard of colonialism?

• 1:19:02Andrew Santino?

  War, war, war.

• 1:19:04Speaker 04

  Do it, kill each other, you fucking losers.

• 1:19:06Andrew Santino?

  And we introduced war.

• 1:19:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and then, and to be fair, you became, you became the best cheaters at it.

• 1:19:14Andrew Santino?

  The best. Nobody's better. No one's better.

• 1:19:17Speaker 04

  Uh, Vietnam, arguably.

• 1:19:19Andrew Santino?

  Did an okay job.

• 1:19:20Speaker 04

  I feel like you didn't win that one.

• 1:19:23Andrew Santino?

  Maybe. That's only because we stopped.

• 1:19:26Speaker 04

  Name a.

• 1:19:27Andrew Santino?

  That's an American thing.

• 1:19:27Speaker 04

  Name, name a war in a desert you've won.

• 1:19:31Andrew Santino?

  We're still working on one right now.

• 1:19:32Speaker 04

  Oh, you're working on the fourth.

• 1:19:35Andrew Santino?

  That is the most American thing to go. It's like the, uh. We make up our own rules when halfway through the game, we're like, no, no, we're done, we're out. We didn't lose because we left.

• 1:19:45Speaker 04

  You've started ten wars in the last fifty years and you haven't finished a war since nineteen forty-four.

• 1:19:51Andrew Santino?

  Don't feel like when it, we don't want to.

• 1:19:54Speaker 04

  Cause you.

• 1:19:54Andrew Santino?

  I'm bored. I'm bored, I'm bored, we gotta go home.

• 1:19:57Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:19:57Andrew Santino?

  Well, you know what? I'll just take my controller then. It's like, don't do that, dude, someone wants it. No, I'll leave.

• 1:20:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we're selfish little brats.

• 1:20:03Speaker 04

  Look, you, look, you bombed Japan into anime.

• 1:20:09Andrew Santino?

  We did.

• 1:20:10Speaker 04

  Like you.

• 1:20:11Andrew Santino?

  We made, we made Tokyo amazing.

• 1:20:12Speaker 04

  You, a country with a god emperor.

• 1:20:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:17Speaker 04

  You nuked that faith out of them. You fucking.

• 1:20:21Andrew Santino?

  It really did.

• 1:20:22Speaker 04

  You changed a culture.

• 1:20:24Andrew Santino?

  Well, hey, man, they, they snuck us first.

• 1:20:26Speaker 04

  This is a wild thing to remember. My favorite thing about the atomic bombs is what, you know why there was two?

• 1:20:32Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't.

• 1:20:34Speaker 04

  America worked out and realized if you drop one atomic bomb, then Japan goes, oh, they only got one of those things. You drop two, Japan goes, fuck, how many of these things do they have?

• 1:20:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:20:50Speaker 04

  That's why there was two.

• 1:20:52Andrew Santino?

  And they copied us to nine eleven. That's why they did two planes instead of just one. That's why they did two. They go, how many planes do these guys got?

• 1:20:59Speaker 04

  And I've always, people blame the Jews, people blame the Muslims. I think it was the Japs. I think it was the Japs that did nine eleven.

• 1:21:07Andrew Santino?

  Hirohito. Yeah, those were sneaky, sneaky.

• 1:21:09Speaker 04

  Sorry, nine eleven.

• 1:21:10Andrew Santino?

  Nine eleven.

• 1:21:12Speaker 07

  Osama bin Laden.

• 1:21:13Andrew Santino?

  Osama bin Laden, he was at the helm. He was at the helm. No, you know what? I thank you for all the love that you've been giving me.

• 1:21:21Speaker 04

  May I have some?

• 1:21:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, you want some more?

• 1:21:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:21:22Andrew Santino?

  You want Weller? What do you want? Have you ever had this? Have you ever had rip?

• 1:21:26Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:21:27Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow, this is funny. This is funny.

• 1:21:29Speaker 04

  Cause I'm, I'm really especially racist about American whiskey, cause the Japs are so much better at you than whiskey.

• 1:21:38Andrew Santino?

  Tell your, okay. Now I draw the line. American bourbon.

• 1:21:42Speaker 04

  Shut your fucking mouth, Jap whiskey?

• 1:21:45Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah, buddy. In fact.

• 1:21:46Speaker 04

  Are you?

• 1:21:46Andrew Santino?

  Let me tell you why we're better.

• 1:21:47Speaker 04

  Are you?

• 1:21:48Andrew Santino?

  We're so good at bourbon. At bourbon.

• 1:21:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, cause you had to invent a whiskey because you're not good at whiskey.

• 1:21:55Andrew Santino?

  So good at bourbon.

• 1:21:56Speaker 04

  Cause you had to invent, this, it's American football. You had to invent a new sport.

• 1:22:01Andrew Santino?

  It's better.

• 1:22:01Speaker 04

  Because you're not good at any of the other sports.

• 1:22:03Andrew Santino?

  Cause we're stronger and we love brutality. You guys love soft and frilliness. We love hard break core. Murder!

• 1:22:11Speaker 04

  Every, every rugby player in the world could beat every American football.

• 1:22:15Andrew Santino?

  Couple of them come over here and they, we fuck them up too. Only a few of them have lasted, by the way. You say that, but a couple of rugby players do come over here and play. It's a different sport.

• 1:22:22Speaker 04

  I'm not saying play, I mean fisticuffs.

• 1:22:24Andrew Santino?

  Ah, fist fighting is a whole different thing, cause I know small guys can fuck up big guys.

• 1:22:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:22:28Andrew Santino?

  I know tiny little men, they can beat the shit out of a big guy.

• 1:22:30Speaker 04

  Oh, I got little helmets, cause I get concussion. Grow up. Grow up.

• 1:22:35Andrew Santino?

  Dude, you're crazy.

• 1:22:36Speaker 04

  CTE is a myth created by.

• 1:22:42Speaker 04

  By, by Big Pharma.

• 1:22:44Andrew Santino?

  It is a bit, that is a big pharma. We do, we are trying to interject more pharmaceuticals. I respect rugby. I love rugby. I love it. American football.

• 1:22:52Speaker 04

  I love American football.

• 1:22:53Andrew Santino?

  It's so fantastic.

• 1:22:54Speaker 04

  I'm gonna give you a hard time with American football because that's my job.

• 1:22:56Andrew Santino?

  You have to. Yeah, you came over here.

• 1:22:58Speaker 04

  I.

• 1:23:00Andrew Santino?

  But do you like football, football? Do you like soccer?

• 1:23:03Speaker 04

  Real football?

• 1:23:03Andrew Santino?

  Soccer?

• 1:23:04Speaker 04

  Real action football. I have, I'm going to, Donald, Donald Trump could be a Venezuelan pregnant woman to death in front of me. And I'm still going to Scotland's first World Cup since nineteen ninety-eight.

• 1:23:14Andrew Santino?

  Have to.

• 1:23:15Speaker 04

  Boycotting the American World Cup is a job for the English.

• 1:23:18Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:23:19Speaker 04

  Been in every World Cup since forever.

• 1:23:20Andrew Santino?

  Let them do it.

• 1:23:21Speaker 04

  This is Scotland's first World Cup since nineteen ninety-eight. Our opening game is against Haiti and thankfully, because your president won't allow any Haitians into this country.

• 1:23:29Andrew Santino?

  Uh huh.

• 1:23:30Speaker 04

  That stadium is just gonna be me and a bunch of drunk Scots. It's gonna be our potential first World Cup win since nineteen ninety, since I was born.

• 1:23:39Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit.

• 1:23:40Speaker 04

  That's a bad Scotland's football. I'm not boycotting this World Cup.

• 1:23:43Andrew Santino?

  No, let this, let this happen.

• 1:23:44Speaker 04

  Coming over.

• 1:23:45Andrew Santino?

  And then you're gonna go to, he's gonna go to the White House and see the UFC fight on the, on the lawn, right? You're going to that one right after. Wait a minute, you guys haven't since nineteen ninety?

• 1:23:53Speaker 04

  Ninety-eight. Nineteen ninety-eight was the last time we qualified. Nineteen ninety-eight was the last time we qualified for a World Cup. We didn't win any of the matches. We drew against Brazil, which was big.

• 1:24:01Andrew Santino?

  Brazil's huge.

• 1:24:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:03Andrew Santino?

  Very tough, very tough.

• 1:24:04Speaker 04

  Last time we won a game was nineteen ninety-two, one against Sweden. That was the last time Scotland before, oh, no. Literally before I was born. That was the last time Scotland won a World Cup game.

• 1:24:14Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:24:15Speaker 04

  So when they were like Haiti, I'm like.

• 1:24:18Andrew Santino?

  Come on, baby.

• 1:24:20Speaker 04

  Give me that Donald Trump name, baby.

• 1:24:21Andrew Santino?

  Bring it on, baby.

• 1:24:24Andrew Santino?

  That is, that's crazy to think about that. That's been that long for you guys.

• 1:24:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:28Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 1:24:28Speaker 07

  Early American football and soccer actually were standardized around the same time. There was actually only a six-year difference between them.

• 1:24:35Andrew Santino?

  When football was invented, when American football was invented?

• 1:24:37Speaker 07

  It says soccer association football is codified in eighteen sixty-three in England to stand under angels and separating it from rugby.

• 1:24:43Speaker 04

  Cod, yeah, codified. Like it became like an.

• 1:24:46Speaker 07

  But like these games have existed for thousands and thousands of years, but in the modern sense, eighteen sixty-three.

• 1:24:50Andrew Santino?

  People were playing games like this in other forms. You like that, kid?

• 1:24:54Speaker 07

  Versus eighteen sixty-nine.

• 1:24:55Andrew Santino?

  You know what you're drinking, baby boy? Yeah, now talk that talk. Now go ahead and talk that fucking talk.

• 1:25:00Speaker 04

  I, I, I, I fucking.

• 1:25:02Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, see?

• 1:25:04Speaker 04

  Oh, I hate being wrong.

• 1:25:09Andrew Santino?

  This is very good sauce. This is, this is our famous old rip. It's ten year. And by the way, this isn't even their best shit. This isn't even their best shit.

• 1:25:18Speaker 04

  I mean, don't get me wrong, it is, it is, it is bourbony. Like I think whiskey in its original form and its Scottish form, fuck you, Ireland.

• 1:25:28Andrew Santino?

  Scotch. You mean Scotch?

• 1:25:30Speaker 04

  It's, it's, drinking whiskey is the Scottish experience in ten seconds, which is you go, oh, I hate this. Oh, this is the worst thing in the entire world. I wish I. You know what? It's fine, actually.

• 1:25:43Speaker 04

  That's what being Scottish is.

• 1:25:44Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that is.

• 1:25:45Speaker 04

  That's.

• 1:25:46Andrew Santino?

  That is the move.

• 1:25:46Speaker 04

  Bourbon, American whiskey, because you're a soft nation. You need that sweetness. You can't handle.

• 1:25:57Andrew Santino?

  No, because sweetness represents this entire nation.

• 1:25:59Speaker 04

  Also, what would you age liquor in when your country doesn't have any age?

• 1:26:05Andrew Santino?

  Wow. What a dirty little boy. You're a bad little fucking boy, dude. You're bad. We age it and all American fucking oath, baby.

• 1:26:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, you are.

• 1:26:17Andrew Santino?

  And we let it sit.

• 1:26:17Speaker 04

  Trees that are a hundred years old, you fucking loser.

• 1:26:20Andrew Santino?

  That's exactly right.

• 1:26:21Speaker 04

  Fucking.

• 1:26:23Andrew Santino?

  We take advantage of the land.

• 1:26:24Speaker 04

  We put whiskey in barrels that we brewed whiskey in two hundred years ago.

• 1:26:29Andrew Santino?

  We're doing it now.

• 1:26:30Speaker 04

  We age our whiskey in aged whiskey casks.

• 1:26:33Andrew Santino?

  We're, that will come. Let us sit.

• 1:26:37Speaker 04

  No, you're not.

• 1:26:38Andrew Santino?

  And by the way, you know how, you know how jealous the Japanese?

• 1:26:40Speaker 04

  You're not gonna be a country in twenty years.

• 1:26:41Andrew Santino?

  You know how, we won't, thank God.

• 1:26:42Speaker 04

  You're not gonna be a drunk country in twenty years.

• 1:26:44Andrew Santino?

  If the thing goes right, that rock's gonna speed up and fucking kill us. What?

• 1:26:47Speaker 07

  Do you guys know where the oldest tree on earth is? If we're talking about oldest trees?

• 1:26:50Andrew Santino?

  Give it to me.

• 1:26:51Speaker 07

  Oldest tree on earth is in California. The great basin Bristol cone pine named Methuselah is over four thousand eight hundred fifty years old.

• 1:26:59Andrew Santino?

  Eat shit.

• 1:27:00Speaker 07

  In the California White Mountains.

• 1:27:01Andrew Santino?

  Eat shit, European.

• 1:27:02Speaker 07

  And the Appalachians are like the oldest mountain range in the world.

• 1:27:05Andrew Santino?

  Are the oldest mountain range that we know. That's right.

• 1:27:07Speaker 04

  That's the most American thing I've ever experienced. Taking credit for something you had nothing to do with is.

• 1:27:15Andrew Santino?

  That's what the fuck we do. That's what the fuck we do. Okay, let's credit the things that we did do.

• 1:27:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:27:24Andrew Santino?

  Uh, music.

• 1:27:26Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:27:27Speaker 07

  I mean, yeah, music and movies.

• 1:27:29Andrew Santino?

  Music and film. Comedy, music and film.

• 1:27:31Speaker 04

  You created comedy. Film, absolutely.

• 1:27:34Andrew Santino?

  Film and comedy and music, we.

• 1:27:36Speaker 07

  You can't touch modern art as regards to America. There's just so much diverse voice, even like, you have like Bessie Smith and old blues artists whose parents were like slaves in the early nineties.

• 1:27:46Andrew Santino?

  By the way, I went, I went last night and to make him jealous, to go see Mostef, Taleb Qualley and Busta Rhymes come on stage and I thought, this is America. This is a country.

• 1:27:55Speaker 07

  Well, the last one's the most American.

• 1:27:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, dude. And then Kanye showed up.

• 1:27:59Speaker 04

  You are, without a doubt, the greatest nation in the world at holidays.

• 1:28:08Andrew Santino?

  Oh, nobody can touch us.

• 1:28:09Speaker 04

  Nobody does, nobody does Halloween like you do. Well, the first time, the first, first time I was in America was before I was doing my first Conan spot. It was twenty twelve.

• 1:28:21Andrew Santino?

  You see this card? Isn't that fun? That's, I guess the only card I kept.

• 1:28:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:28:24Andrew Santino?

  It's the one I love the most, Conan.

• 1:28:25Speaker 04

  Cause it's the most important, cause he was, I say this with all due respect to the other ones.

• 1:28:30Andrew Santino?

  I, I agree.

• 1:28:32Speaker 04

  Conan's the funniest.

• 1:28:32Andrew Santino?

  He was the best, dude. He was so fucking fun.

• 1:28:35Speaker 04

  By a mile.

• 1:28:35Andrew Santino?

  Fun too.

• 1:28:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:28:37Andrew Santino?

  Fun. It was fun. It felt fun. Yeah.

• 1:28:38Speaker 04

  His hot ones is the single greatest hot ones that's ever.

• 1:28:41Andrew Santino?

  It's so funny.

• 1:28:41Speaker 04

  There's no, there's no one in the world like Conan.

• 1:28:45Speaker 04

  I'm going out to America before I do my first fucking Conan spot. Denver Comedy Works.

• 1:28:52Andrew Santino?

  Love.

• 1:28:53Speaker 04

  One of the greatest comedy works.

• 1:28:54Andrew Santino?

  Love.

• 1:28:54Speaker 04

  Are kind enough to like book me as a fucking headliner before I'm anyone for this fucking weekend. It's in November, I get on a Wednesday, I do the show on the Wednesday, there's about fucking seventy, eighty people in. I have a good night. The staff at the Denver Comedy Works are like, hey, really fucking good. What are you doing tomorrow? And I'm like, the show. They're like, there's no show tomorrow. It's the third Thursday in November, so it's Thanksgiving.

• 1:29:20Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:20Speaker 04

  And I'm like, oh. Obviously, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK. I've, so they're like, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm like, I'll just fucking smoke weed in the hotel room and jerk myself off.

• 1:29:32Andrew Santino?

  Perfect.

• 1:29:32Speaker 04

  Into like dehydration.

• 1:29:34Andrew Santino?

  Which is also our Thanksgiving.

• 1:29:37Speaker 04

  And the staff of the Denver Comedy Works were like, no, you are not doing Thanksgiving by yourself.

• 1:29:45Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 1:29:46Speaker 04

  You're coming over. Uh, I do, the British thing, I buy a bottle of fucking fireball before I go over. Cause I'm like, we're gonna go do, go over and do fucking shots. It's not a family that's out there, it's just, but it's, it's family in a way. It's not a related family. This is just the staff at the Denver Comedy Works and all their fucking friends bring me over to their house. Cook one of the greatest meals I've ever had in my life. They smoke weed from the second I'm there until the second I leave.

• 1:30:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:16Speaker 04

  They drink in a way that I'm like, I'm wrong about Americans. And we sit down for this and everyone's cooking a different thing. Somebody's doing fucking sweet potato with marshmallows on.

• 1:30:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:29Speaker 04

  I'm like, you're the fattest country on earth. You fucking.

• 1:30:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:33Speaker 04

  And then I try them and I'm like, I'll shut my mouth forever.

• 1:30:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:36Speaker 04

  Like, I'm so wrong about this thing. The turkey's perfect, the food is perfect. And with, with real sincerity, something that I would, the fucking enemy would be like, gay. We're gonna sit down and be thankful about something? Gay, gay, gay. I'm thankful of becoming my ass. What do you mean we're gonna be? We're gonna show gratitude in front of other people?

• 1:30:59Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, gross.

• 1:31:00Speaker 04

  I'm Scottish.

• 1:31:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:02Speaker 04

  I'd rather kill myself in front of my children. And that's what they would be grateful for.

• 1:31:07Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:07Speaker 04

  Is that I fucking put myself out the world.

• 1:31:12Speaker 04

  They sit down and like all of their gratitude is just like, I'm grateful for this in my life, I'm grateful for this, I'm grateful for the people around me.

• 1:31:20Speaker 04

  And I'm the most stoned I've ever been, I'm the most drunk I've ever been, I'm the hungriest I've ever been. And like, I really got to just be like, I am genuinely grateful that I got to have. I didn't know this was what Thanksgiving was.

• 1:31:36Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:31:36Speaker 04

  I didn't know, like, when I think of Thanksgiving, I think of you fucking flag waving cunts. And you fucking celebrating all this dumb, I didn't, I didn't know this is what it was.

• 1:31:47Andrew Santino?

  That's what it really is.

• 1:31:48Speaker 04

  I didn't, but I didn't know that. And like the gratitude I felt that day was like, thank you for doing me wrong. I, every time a bit of my racism towards America dies, I hate myself. Cause all, all I want to do is hate you.

• 1:32:01Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:02Speaker 04

  That was a day where I was like, this was another time where I was wrong about this country.

• 1:32:07Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 1:32:08Speaker 04

  This is like, you guys do holidays like no one else.

• 1:32:12Andrew Santino?

  Special.

• 1:32:12Speaker 04

  Valentine's Day, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, you, Black History Month.

• 1:32:19Andrew Santino?

  We made it our shortest month. Let's get through that real fast, boys. Let's go.

• 1:32:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:24Andrew Santino?

  We are, we are.

• 1:32:25Speaker 04

  There's not that much history.

• 1:32:26Andrew Santino?

  We're the king of the holiday.

• 1:32:28Speaker 04

  You're the best.

• 1:32:28Andrew Santino?

  And you heard it here for, you heard it here for, forced, forced. You heard it forced.

• 1:32:32Speaker 04

  Forced.

• 1:32:33Andrew Santino?

  Sloss admitted on the show, nobody does holidays like America. He thinks American bourbon is better than any form of Scotch whiskey or Japanese whiskey whatsoever.

• 1:32:43Speaker 04

  That is not.

• 1:32:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it's true. But he did change his opinion about it.

• 1:32:50Andrew Santino?

  Pause. That's fine. Let it sit. Let it sit.

• 1:32:54Speaker 04

  I don't like being held accountable.

• 1:32:59Andrew Santino?

  You're American.

• 1:33:02Andrew Santino?

  That's the most American thing. Alright, so hey, I wanna wrap this show up because I love you. I don't wanna keep you any longer. I can't because the kids are gonna come soon, right? Fancy's coming. Alright, so listen.

• 1:33:13Andrew Santino?

  You're one of the greatest living comedians.

• 1:33:15Speaker 04

  Wrong, but okay.

• 1:33:16Andrew Santino?

  You are. You're phenomenal. Um, I want everyone to please see you, uh, until you decide that you're sick of it. Which, cause who knows when that will be. And you're touring the world endlessly.

• 1:33:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:33:27Andrew Santino?

  And you're, and especially this fall, you're gonna be on the bus in America. Do you have a name for this tour?

• 1:33:34Speaker 04

  Better.

• 1:33:35Andrew Santino?

  Perfect. Uh, I'm not, we're not gonna plug dates. We'll just say, go to the website and go see it. You're probably going to how many cities?

• 1:33:43Speaker 04

  A bunch. It is like.

• 1:33:44Andrew Santino?

  Forty cities or something absurd like that?

• 1:33:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, man, I, I don't know. I got a new social media team last year who just.

• 1:33:52Andrew Santino?

  Do you like this or hate this?

• 1:33:53Speaker 04

  Love it.

• 1:33:53Andrew Santino?

  Okay, good.

• 1:33:54Speaker 04

  Cause I hate social media, I'm not good at it.

• 1:33:56Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it sucks.

• 1:33:56Speaker 04

  It's the only time I feel old. I got this fucking young gay guy who's just the, has the hunger that I had in my twenties.

• 1:34:04Andrew Santino?

  That's what you need, McCon. He, I have the young gay guy, but he's not hunger. It's a problem. You gotta get a young guy who has hunger.

• 1:34:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:34:11Andrew Santino?

  And you know what?

• 1:34:11Speaker 04

  Bedson Boom are over there?

• 1:34:13Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, exactly. He has Pop-Tarts. Just eat, you loser. Alright, go to, I imagine it's gotta be your name dot com.

• 1:34:20Speaker 04

  Yeah. It's the, I cannot believe thanks to my social, it's the best my tours ever been selling. I sold more tickets in advance of this tour.

• 1:34:29Andrew Santino?

  Amazing.

• 1:34:29Speaker 04

  Than I've ever sold on any previous.

• 1:34:31Andrew Santino?

  We'll sell him the fuck out. Everyone, all of our fans, please, please, please, please, sell him out immediately. Um, it will be a show that you will not regret.

• 1:34:40Speaker 04

  Also watch, I cannot, watch my stuff first. I am.

• 1:34:44Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:34:45Speaker 04

  I'm abrasive, I'm obnoxious, I'm disgustingly arrogant. And if you don't under, please watch my previous stuff. I'm jarring. Like.

• 1:34:59Andrew Santino?

  If you didn't get that from this whole episode, you're not gonna get it then.

• 1:35:02Speaker 04

  Women often, my favorite Denver audience member is a woman who's been in a relationship for three months and her test for her new boyfriend.

• 1:35:11Andrew Santino?

  Is to bring to your show? That's fucking awesome.

• 1:35:13Speaker 04

  It's my favorite thing. And I watch men fail the test every time. Because you know what? I'm a, I'm a sexist feminist.

• 1:35:23Andrew Santino?

  A sexist feminist. A name, a name of your next special.

• 1:35:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm a sexist feminist.

• 1:35:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:28Speaker 04

  Uh, the women, when I'm, I've, I've, I've, I've walked the walk. I'm a, I'm proudly a feminist. And I know in America, America's done to the word feminism what they did to the word socialism, which is, nobody can explain it.

• 1:35:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, nobody knows.

• 1:35:43Speaker 04

  They just know they hate it.

• 1:35:43Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:35:45Speaker 04

  Feminism as a man is, do you love the women in your life? Do you want them to be safe?

• 1:35:51Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:51Speaker 04

  You're a feminist.

• 1:35:52Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:35:53Speaker 04

  Ignore third wave, ignore second wave, you know, the all of the, if you want the women in your life to have the same opportunities as you do and be verbally abused in the same way that you are, congratulations, you're a feminist. You are a feminist. I know that sucks to say, I know that sucks to hear, buddy, you're a feminist.

• 1:36:13Andrew Santino?

  You're a sexist feminist.

• 1:36:14Speaker 04

  You're sexist. You, you, buddy, who do you say the N-word around more? Your black friends or your white friends?

• 1:36:22Andrew Santino?

  Well, I don't have any black friends, so it's always white friends.

• 1:36:26Speaker 04

  My most homophobic comments are in front of my fucking gay friends.

• 1:36:30Andrew Santino?

  A hundred percent. Always, always, always, always, always, always.

• 1:36:32Speaker 04

  To this idea that like, that being feminist means that you cannot be really mean to women?

• 1:36:40Andrew Santino?

  No. It's antithetical. It's, it's, it's like saying, it's like saying you're not included, but we want you to feel included.

• 1:36:46Speaker 04

  You think super oppressed people can't take a joke? That's sexist.

• 1:36:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's right. That's the most sexist shit, yeah.

• 1:36:53Speaker 04

  You think women can't take a fucking joke?

• 1:36:56Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 1:36:57Speaker 04

  That's sexist. That's more sexist than any joke you were ever gonna fucking tell them.

• 1:37:00Andrew Santino?

  I mean, I made an entire career making fun of an Asian guy to his face.

• 1:37:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:37:04Andrew Santino?

  Been the best thing I've ever done.

• 1:37:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:37:05Andrew Santino?

  And people are like, how can you say that to him? I'm like, because I'm in love with him.

• 1:37:07Speaker 04

  Cause he's the best.

• 1:37:08Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, well, cause I would kiss him on the mouth. What are you talking about? Cause he means the world to me.

• 1:37:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:37:12Andrew Santino?

  And I love you and you mean the world to me.

• 1:37:14Speaker 04

  Buddy, I cannot believe that this is the first time we've met.

• 1:37:20Andrew Santino?

  It's crazy.

• 1:37:20Speaker 04

  In a different world, you and I are lovers.

• 1:37:23Andrew Santino?

  We really, truly we are. Cause we've spoken so much.

• 1:37:25Speaker 04

  Who's the top?

• 1:37:26Andrew Santino?

  Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

• 1:37:26Speaker 04

  You probably.

• 1:37:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:37:30Andrew Santino?

  We've spoken so much on the internet.

• 1:37:32Speaker 04

  Ruin you. I, I would, responsibility wise, I'd have to be the.

• 1:37:36Andrew Santino?

  Brother, brother, brother, brother. I'm gonna give you some good pushing bush, alright? I'm gonna give you some good pushing bush. I'm not, it's not gonna be the girth that hurts. The pushing bush. It's gonna be.

• 1:37:48Andrew Santino?

  It's gonna be the repetitiveness that hurts. It's not the size, it's that I keep on moving. Go to danielsloss.com, go see him live. He is a brilliant, wonderful man. We end the show the same way. Look into that camera right there. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Some people want to impart a, a phrase of wisdom. Some people just wanna throw away one singular word, but either way you will end up in the Smithsonian when this is all said and done. So make sure that it counts. One, one phrase or one word to end the episode when you're ready.

• 1:38:16Speaker 04

  America.

• 1:38:17Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:38:22Speaker 02

  Oh, that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like that, the ginger gene is a curse.

• 1:38:29Speaker 03

  Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

• 1:38:38Speaker 02

  Ginger. I like gingers.