Mom's Car: Jackie Tohn

On this week’s episode of Mom’s Car, we welcome longtime pal and Nobody Wants This supporting star Jackie Tohn. Jackie, Dax, and Best Friend Aaron Weakley talk through comparisons between the smells of broccoli and feet, being a part of the most streamed comedy of all time, getting hit on at the podiatrist, the story of how Jackie ended up with Dax and Kristen’s dog, invoking Esther Perel to settle a write-in question about sexual intimacy, and the gang try to out-Andrew Dice Clay each other. #sponsored by @Allstate. Go to https://bit.ly/momscar to check Allstate first and see how much you could save on car insurance. Follow Mom's Car on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Mom's Car ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting https://wondery.com/plus now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Hello and welcome to Mom's Car. Today, one of my friends, Jackie Tone, is on. Jackie is an incredible singer. She's a comedian. She's also a great actor. You would have definitely seen her on Glow. And of course, nobody wants us, but everyone wants us. And everybody wants to hang out with Jackie Tone. What a party she is. Her and Aaron and I, we got it done. Please enjoy Jackie Tone. Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart. Unfortunately, not checking that your sunroof is closed before going through the car wash is not smart. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.

• 0:43Dax Shepard?

  Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 1:09Dax Shepard?

  Accept.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Oh my God, accept.

• 1:10Dax Shepard?

  All that, look, I jinxed ourselves in a good way. Whoa, here we go. Hang on tight.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Kristen's car has never been driven like this. I've been in this car a thousand times. I've never taken that hard a right. I'm gonna accept that right now.

• 1:23Dax Shepard?

  This thing is really more capable than meets the eye. This is a high-performance shitbox.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Wow, dude, you popped three AAA batteries in the back of this bitch and she just goes.

• 1:34Dax Shepard?

  She won't stop. Are you in a full electric? No, no.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  No, I pushed out. Everything scares me. All the fires scared me. Us losing power scared me. Not that you'd be able to get gas any easier if the world ended. I just got a gas car.

• 1:50Dax Shepard?

  When people are getting evacuated from the Palisades, and I was like, well, conceivably, there's not a hotel within 60 miles that has vacancy because everyone's leaving. What are these people that had like 30-mile charge on their car?

• 2:02Speaker 01

  No, there were multiple people stuck in the Palisades. I saw some news story.

• 2:06Dax Shepard?

  Now that would've been a good time to be Ubering.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  Thank you. Uber Eats, they were very hungry. But people were like flagging other cars down and they were like, we have an electric car. Can you get us out of here?

• 2:15Dax Shepard?

  Right. Oh, look at this. Fish and chips?

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Or is it boba meat?

• 2:19Dax Shepard?

  Can I tell you what's already been fun about this? There's a lot of hidden restaurants in our neighborhood.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  And we only killed two people trying to learn violin.

• 2:28Speaker 01

  A mother and a daughter.

• 2:31Dax Shepard?

  Of the many people that would be sympathetic to kill, yeah, a couple of people trying to learn violin.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, just some sweet angels with backpacks holding violins.

• 2:38Dax Shepard?

  Cause you're not learning to play the violin to get pussy.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  No, no, no, that's right.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  Especially if you're a mother and daughter.

• 2:45Dax Shepard?

  You know, you're not in it for the money, you're in it for the art.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  This has to be the quickest this person's food would ever get to them. We were 50 feet away from this. Next time I might have to go in. Aaron already got it.

• 2:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, he's fucking fast. Look at him.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Dude, he's already secured the fucking chicken. Oh my god.

• 3:02Dax Shepard?

  Now we're gonna hand up. Okay, so the system is Aaron picks up and I deliver. Wait, add delivery? Accept. Oh yeah, accept that shit. Oh, we're going to El Pollo Loco. Oh, fuck yeah. That's easy peasy.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  Am I a good liar?

• 3:16Dax Shepard?

  We made more today already.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  We're not saying the name of the place we picked up from, right?

• 3:21Dax Shepard?

  Correct.

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Okay, so I will say out loud that it smells like someone opened their asshole.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Into my throat. Into the back, into the back of my throat.

• 3:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, someone got stankered.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Am I wrong?

• 3:36Dax Shepard?

  No, it stinks. Are you gonna be able to handle it?

• 3:39Speaker 01

  It smells so bad.

• 3:46Dax Shepard?

  They got the hot shit stir fry. I'm so afraid what's in that order. I'm like, is it fish? My mind goes straight to fish, but maybe there's like some undulate feet in there.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  I'm gonna vomit. You know what it could be also though? When you cook broccoli, it sort of smells like absolute fart hole.

• 4:03Dax Shepard?

  Fart hole. I don't know how to say this gently, but I forgot to factor in you. I didn't think, like, maybe the food stink will be too much for Jackie. But now that we're here, I'm like, I'm a little nervous. I will though, just to comfort you, that's the worst smelling item we've ever had. Everything else has made us drool. It smelled so good. And we'll just have you put your nose in the El Pollo Loco bag to drown out the other smells. Do you wanna move it to the trunk?

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe why don't we move it to this bus that's driving by? Maybe somebody's hungry on the whole.

• 4:33Dax Shepard?

  Move it to a trash can. But we still went to their house and we're like, dude, you didn't want it. We got you some Alboil logo.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  We did you a favor. I have a fun story. See for leasing information on the right up here?

• 4:44Dax Shepard?

  Uh, yes, yes, yes.

• 4:45Speaker 01

  So I yelped the other day where to get a car wash. You see those tarps? Oh, that's a car wash. And I was in the area, had an hour to kill. I was like, what the fuck am I gonna do over here? Middle of Hollywood. Yelp tells me that place is a car wash.

• 4:59Dax Shepard?

  It's a great place to get your car.

• 5:01Speaker 01

  And I'm like, well, it's not a car wash. It's an empty parking lot. But I call one more time and I'm like, hey, I'm looking for a car wash. And the guy's like, yeah, let me unlock the gate.

• 5:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Comes out, unlocks a big chain, pull my car in, re-chains.

• 5:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay, now you're locked in.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  I said, oh, okay. He goes, I lock it because of like the people around here. And I said, okay, I hope you don't take any offense to this. I'm a woman alone in a parking lot that you've just chained. So if I could trouble you to just make it look like it's chained, but this way just for my sanity. And the guy was so sweet. He was like, of course. God bless him. Should I run in this time?

• 5:36Dax Shepard?

  No, no. You're so good at this that it would be crazy.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  You are so fast. Thank you so much.

• 5:41Dax Shepard?

  And I don't want to make you a target, but what kind of cash will we move around town with?

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Not a ton. I would say forty, fifty, but I'm always refilling it. Joe and I went to an event the other night. We had no cash for the valet. And it feels horrible.

• 5:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, there's nothing worse. That's what I'm curious about all these people that are post cash, how they're dealing with tips. Because everywhere I go, it's grease time, you know?

• 6:04Speaker 01

  It's horrible not to tip valet. It makes you feel really bad. And I asked this last guy, I was like, do you take Venmo? I'm happy to like block traffic for a minute and figure this out.

• 6:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  And he was like, just Zelle. And I was like, that I can't deal with. Now I'm opening my bank account.

• 6:18Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  I'm up in Wells Fargo trying to get it.

• 6:21Dax Shepard?

  I don't think they have her real close friends. Oh, look, he gets to meet that Stephanie, I bet.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Oh my God, Stephanie's kid?

• 6:26Dax Shepard?

  Guess what? She doesn't know who the fuck he is anyway.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  Mm-mm. I wish I filmed that.

• 6:32Speaker 01

  How'd it go?

• 6:33Dax Shepard?

  She doesn't know who we are. No, no, there's layers of humbling, which is great. Okay, I want to ask you, Jackie, before we get into some questions. You've been on a lot of different things. I'm presuming Glow was the biggest prior to Nobody Wants This?

• 6:48Speaker 01

  That's right. Aaron just turned around and gave me such a shit-eating grin, it was cute.

• 6:51Dax Shepard?

  I love Jackie. Let me add this, Aaron requested you.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Oh, I love best friend Aaron.

• 6:56Dax Shepard?

  I think Aaron's horny for you a little bit.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Oh, good. I'm here for that. I'm always going to.

• 7:00Dax Shepard?

  I think of the roller skate party.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  That's what did.

• 7:04Dax Shepard?

  It was like, I talked to Jackie for a while.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  Aaron was looking fucking good at that party, too.

• 7:07Dax Shepard?

  The feelings were mutual.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Everybody knew, everybody knew Aaron Weekly was looking good at that party. His little outfit. Come on.

• 7:13Dax Shepard?

  His little captain's outfit.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  Come on, his little captain's suit.

• 7:17Dax Shepard?

  Those big haunches on display, those powerful thighs and ass.

• 7:20Speaker 01

  I said, let's get involved.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  Powerful thighs and ass.

• 7:25Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so Glow is very big show, but my guess is Nobody Wants This is just the craziest phenomenon to be a part of.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  I was getting my nails done this morning. First, one girl came up, she was like, I'm so sorry to bother you. She was on her way out. I just love the show and I love you on the show and the Jewish representation and the whole thing. And she couldn't have been happier. And then I got my headphones back in, kept doing my nails. Then another girl was leaving. She was like, I saw the other girl come up, so I didn't want to come up. And I was like, this is so funny.

• 7:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  Having like a moment at the, it's on. It really is. And when the show first aired, see, the thing with Netflix and streamers is.

• 7:58Dax Shepard?

  Come on, brother.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  No, this guy has to go at this pace.

• 8:00Dax Shepard?

  I got a lot of go-to sayings I yell at the window of these guys when my kids aren't in the car. Yeah.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm ready. Literally got silent. I'm like, I'm tuning the fuck in.

• 8:10Dax Shepard?

  Don't hurt yourself.

• 8:13Dax Shepard?

  Don't pull anything.

• 8:14Speaker 01

  See?

• 8:15Dax Shepard?

  Feel free to go slower.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  I love them all.

• 8:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  So, this one has been extra special.

• 8:21Dax Shepard?

  You're like in Frozen or a Marvel movie. I think the viewership's that many people.

• 8:25Speaker 01

  Well, it was 800 million, most streamed comedy of all time.

• 8:29Dax Shepard?

  Whoa.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, most streamed television comedy of all time, but not counting like Seinfeld and other, I've been on a streamer.

• 8:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh my god.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  So most.

• 8:41Dax Shepard?

  Wait, can that be right?

• 8:42Speaker 01

  But it's times viewed. And every time I meet someone, they're like, I've seen it five times. I keep it on while I'm making dinner. I keep it on while I'm doing laundry. I put it on after my kids go to sleep.

• 8:51Dax Shepard?

  Instantly a cult and a hit.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  And Kristen says, this is second to Frozen, or even maybe beating Frozen. This is mass.

• 8:57Dax Shepard?

  It's so Goliath. We were in New York a few months ago and I said to her, I'm like, hon, you're too famous to hang out. Like, I can't walk down the street with you. It's too much. It's overwhelming. It's every third person. And you can't go anywhere. And I was like, oh, I kind of thought we knew what it was like, but no, this is nuts. And then, you will love this, I have a very disgusting toenail that died at some point.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  I may or may not have seen a picture.

• 9:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, you've seen the hack job on mutual.

• 9:27Speaker 01

  Yes, I've seen more pictures of your fucking feet than I literally care for.

• 9:31Dax Shepard?

  Also, we had the same podiatrist, the one who miniaturized one of my toes. I know you're aware of that.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Was it your guy too?

• 9:37Dax Shepard?

  No, I turned.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  He miniaturized one of Dax's toes. So he sent you to him? How would you word how he?

• 9:44Dax Shepard?

  He's chill as fuck.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 9:46Dax Shepard?

  He's a parrot head? No, he's a Buffett head.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, parrot head. He was sexually inappropriate with me.

• 9:51Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's where it turned. It was really fun.

• 9:53Speaker 01

  It was really fun.

• 9:54Dax Shepard?

  Cause he's so chill. Yeah, he's couldn't be more chill. He's always in another country. I did 39 operations in three hours. And you're like, oh, you seem really big. And then he mutilated my toe and then he said something very rough. I hate this story, but you should tell it.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  I was in there and I was in workout clothes as I 90% of the time am. He was like, so that's all I can help you with? I was like, yeah, thank you so much. And as I was leaving, he peeks his head back in and he goes, and if you need anything else, you just bring that hot little body back in here.

• 10:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh my god. I hate that story. Like, that's really what you gotta hear when you go to the doctor for a dude who's like 20 years older than you.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was really yucky. I think I called Dax immediately.

• 10:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you were out. That was the last straw. You were still there even though he mutilated my toe.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  Well, I wasn't having the guy surgeryize my freaking toes.

• 10:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're just having to massage your hips.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  I got a guy.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  I was just having him do two in the pink and one in the stick. I wasn't nothing with my toes.

• 10:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy. Anyway, so I have this toenail on my left. I discovered this because I used to take Kristen on her birthday every year to get a manicure, pedicure, and we would go together, and that was my, like, offerings. I'm gonna do this with you.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Cutie.

• 11:10Dax Shepard?

  And of course, I would just get my toes done. I would always get this out, where you just blew. Well, her birthday rolled around. I mean, this is how fucking blind guys are in general, I think, to their health, right? So, we're about to go a year later. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna get blue. And all of a sudden, I realized for the first time, oh, none of my nails are blue, except for my left big toe. Meaning, they all grew out over a year. This hasn't grown one millimeter in a year. It's just like they painted it yesterday, and I was like, oh, fuck, that nail's dead as hell.

• 11:45Dax Shepard?

  And that's years ago, okay? That's years ago. I'm like, ew, I don't know, what do you do with that? Oh, wait, five?

• 11:51Speaker 02

  Don't they usually stay on?

• 11:53Dax Shepard?

  Or, I mean, fall off? They don't usually stay on?

• 11:55Speaker 01

  We just passed it on the, oh, on the right.

• 11:58Dax Shepard?

  Yep.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  It's hard to remember what we're doing here.

• 12:00Dax Shepard?

  By the way, this is a very upscale area that they got the shit food.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  Tell them to be careful with that.

• 12:05Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna tell them to wear, you have a nose plug?

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Do you guys have a KN95?

• 12:11Dax Shepard?

  And some smelling salts? And a menthol rub for your upper lip?

• 12:16Speaker 02

  So, going back to toes, his are the only feet that I'm not grossed?

• 12:21Speaker 01

  Do you think it's because you guys just love each other? And it's like, who gives a fuck?

• 12:24Speaker 02

  Because if his feet were on someone else, I would be throwing up.

• 12:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, you'd be gagging. Your mouth would be full, and you'd have to... I'm trying to think with Kristen, same thing, although I don't think, like, any of my girlfriends really gross gross me out. But, boys, you guys are just so much more disgusting than we are.

• 12:41Dax Shepard?

  I know.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  It's just like, absolutely, like, your gross feet. Like, if my toenail died, I would notice the day of.

• 12:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  If I would know that I...

• 12:49Dax Shepard?

  We've got, like, two things going. We've got male, female, and then we've got, like, judo. Gentile.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Yes, we really do.

• 12:55Dax Shepard?

  So at some point, I'm like, I guess I'm gonna take a Dremel. Do you know what a Dremel is?

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Of course, because your wife has her own nail kit.

• 13:04Dax Shepard?

  And she's got like a nail Dremel, but I use the one from the shop. And so I get going on this nail and I take it down and now I can see what's happening. There's a couple of year journey with this thing where I'm Dremeling and now it does start growing, but it's growing disgustingly. It's very fungacy and I get a spray.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  And you hadn't been to, I won't say his name.

• 13:22Dax Shepard?

  That was the end of our relationship when he cut my toe in half.

• 13:26Speaker 01

  Weird, weird, didn't go back.

• 13:29Dax Shepard?

  It actually is weird I didn't go back because I kind of would go back.

• 13:32Speaker 01

  Elementary school staple gun did back on, got you. Okay.

• 13:35Dax Shepard?

  So the last time I Dremelled it down, I could like really see through and I was, oh, it's black under there. And I mentioned it on the podcast and then enough people wrote back like, you gotta go in. That could be cancer. That's what that blackness could be. So, okay. I go to my general practitioner, although he's not that, he's an internist. He's offended if I call him that. He's about to look at this disgusting Tony goes, you tell your wife she's our shiksa. And I'm like, you bet. And then he looks at him, he's like, okay, yeah. I'm gonna send you across the hall. I got a good buddy. I bet he might have an opening. And I'm delighted. I'm like, great. I'm getting a referral and it's happening right now. He's gonna walk me across the hall. I feel so taken care of. Get in with this guy. Don't know this guy at all. He's just about to get in there and he looks up and he goes,

• 14:21Dax Shepard?

  your wife's our shiksa. Same? This is pretty much saying they want to fuck her, right? I think. Also, these are like 65 year old doctors. That's when I was like, oh, this thing transcended everything.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  The people in my parents 55 and over community?

• 14:36Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Every single person loves it.

• 14:38Dax Shepard?

  I've never been in a huge hit. I have no clue. Do you have any clue? When you watched it, did you go, oh yeah, buckle up?

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Don't you feel like your pod is a huge hit?

• 14:47Dax Shepard?

  Huge hit in the podcast world is like a couple million listeners. It's not 800 million. We have a billion streams, but after seven years.

• 14:56Speaker 01

  Mmm, mazel tov, by the way.

• 14:58Dax Shepard?

  So yeah, no. But I wouldn't have predicted it would have been successful. I heard it and I'm like, I don't know, is it better or worse than other ones?

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Should I say this, but it being a smash doesn't really even make it better than others anyway, which is crazy.

• 15:10Dax Shepard?

  Right, right, yeah, yeah. Like, the best movie I've ever been in, the best movie, is A Thorough, and it tanked. But that's like the most well-made film.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Here's the very quick answer is absolutely not.

• 15:22Dax Shepard?

  Right, right, right.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  Not only did we not know it was gonna be a hit, we were hopeful sort of anyone would watch it. I wasn't involved at this point, but I was friends with Kristen and knew that she was, and then the strike interrupted it for like a year.

• 15:36Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:37Speaker 01

  And then all this other stuff.

• 15:38Dax Shepard?

  It's also very Jewish-heavy. We haven't seen a huge Jewish hit.

• 15:41Speaker 01

  Very Jewish-heavy. There's obviously... I was gonna say, there's obviously a lot of political shit going on.

• 15:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the timing was incredible.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Highlight, Dicey Time. And so we were just like, is anyone gonna watch this? And the people who do watch it, are the numbers just gonna be high enough for the ends to justify the means here?

• 15:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  So for it to explode the way it did, it's radical.

• 16:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think it feels like buying a lottery ticket.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  People were throwing around the term "cultural juggernaut."

• 16:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, of course. I was saying it's a cultural phenomenon.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  It's crazy.

• 16:10Dax Shepard?

  It's just what everyone's talking about.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  Was it random that you and Kristen got...

• 16:14Speaker 01

  Not at all. So I got the audition through my agent, and then I told Kristen, who is my best friend, who I knew was making this show.

• 16:22Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 16:22Speaker 01

  She didn't call me and go like, "You need to audition for this." She was living her life, and my agent was like, "Hey, we have an audition for you for this show called Shiksa."

• 16:30Dax Shepard?

  Well, she was like going to the mat for Adam Brody.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  She was going to the mat, and she's executive producing and creating. And also, the part that she thought I was right for wasn't even casting yet. My agents got this audition to play Adam's ex-girlfriend, like, the perfect Jewish girl, Rebecca. So I saw Kristen one day and I was like...

• 16:45Dax Shepard?

  That's not your skis.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  No. You're far more annoying.

• 16:48Dax Shepard?

  No, you're like a super sexy version of What's-His-Ass's-Wife-on-Curb.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Oh, I'll take it.

• 16:54Dax Shepard?

  She's a queen.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  Cheryl Heinz?

• 16:55Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  No, Susie Essman.

• 16:57Dax Shepard?

  Yes, Susie. Ruins that plus this mess. And she's awesome.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 17:01Dax Shepard?

  So you're like a sexy version.

• 17:02Speaker 01

  I'll take it all fucking day. So I tell Kristen that I'm auditioning for Rebecca and she's like, wait on that. There's a role, and it was only supposed to be a couple of episodes. She's like, but there's a role for Adam Brody's sister-in-law, who is not into the fact that there's this new girl in town. You should try out for that. And so I made a tape in December and I didn't find out I got it until January.

• 17:23Dax Shepard?

  I heard her on many phone calls going, you don't need to look any further. Jackie was born to play this role. We were on a hike and I said something, you know, bordering on anti-Semitic. I said, they're not gonna find anyone that's gonna out-Jew Jackie in this role. She is like, what Dice Clay is to the Italians. She's gonna fucking bend this over and ass-fuck it. Yeah, yeah.

• 17:48Speaker 01

  Ass-fuck, ass-fuck it.

• 17:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no, Dice is Jewish.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  Dice is Jewish.

• 17:54Dax Shepard?

  That's a terrible example. No one wants. The Chappelle, can we say Chappelle?

• 17:59Speaker 01

  Aaron, proud of you for knowing Dice was Jewish.

• 18:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you know.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  I almost said it, but I was like, I'm not gonna step on the bed. I mean, he is Jewish. Leave it to best friend.

• 18:07Dax Shepard?

  Good for him.

• 18:07Speaker 02

  I did say it in case you were wondering if I knew or not.

• 18:10Dax Shepard?

  Good for him, too.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:12Dax Shepard?

  To me, in Michigan, I was like, oh, he's Italian.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  Of course. As a Jew in New York, I was like, this guy's Italian. So I got the little bit.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  Jack be name-bull, Jack be quick. Jack burnt off his fucking dick.

• 18:27Dax Shepard?

  His fucking prick.

• 18:32Dax Shepard?

  Kristen and I had like a moment where, you know, Dice isn't the most embraced comedian by our current culture. Goddamn, did I think he was hysterical when I was like 12.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  Me, too.

• 18:44Dax Shepard?

  I couldn't get enough of it. And so I decided to show her some videos and I'm like, she's gonna hate this. She laughed. That's what I love about Kristen is her main ethos is funny. Comedy wins, no matter what other things she's juggling ethics-wise.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, truly.

• 19:00Dax Shepard?

  Can you even believe her? I'm in a big boy. 13, 12.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Oh, it's right here. We're like an inch away.

• 19:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Boba time. What time is it? It's Boba time.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Oh, welcome back, Aaron. Man of Chevitz. What'd you get?

• 19:17Speaker 02

  A shit ton of smoothies.

• 19:19Speaker 01

  Oh, smoothies, not Bobas? Oh, sorry.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  They sent it to order some for us, but.

• 19:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my man's got a bright red Corvette.

• 19:25Speaker 02

  Dude.

• 19:26Dax Shepard?

  I hope he's getting some Bob's. Okay, so now we do two fun things. Oh, I think they're fun. One is, we do a moral dumbfounding philosophical question.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 19:35Dax Shepard?

  In a nutshell, moral dumbfounding is, you can't really mount an intellectual argument for why it's not moral, but it just feels really bad.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  I think you're really gonna enjoy it.

• 19:44Dax Shepard?

  Yes, I think for the three of us. Could we say as a safe estimate baseline, we have loosey-goosey morals a little bit, us three? Maybe relative to, not like we're thieves or we hurt people.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would say that certain things are gray area.

• 19:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  That other people would not think are gray area.

• 20:01Dax Shepard?

  Right, there we go.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  Nailed it.

• 20:04Dax Shepard?

  That's a great way to euphemize our lack of morals. Okay, let's start with a moral dumbfounding.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  A family's pet dog dies in an accident. Instead of burying it or cremating it, they decide to cook it and eat it to avoid waste. No one else finds out, and they enjoy the meal.

• 20:24Dax Shepard?

  Am I wrong that you missed a part where it says they had heard dog was delicious?

• 20:28Speaker 02

  It's not in here.

• 20:29Dax Shepard?

  It's not?

• 20:30Speaker 02

  No.

• 20:31Dax Shepard?

  Maybe when AI didn't give me the full. I think a part of that one, because I know this one.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 20:36Dax Shepard?

  Is they also had heard dog was delicious.

• 20:38Speaker 01

  Oh, poor, okay.

• 20:38Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so just know that they had heard it was delicious. The family dog died of natural causes in the backyard.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Dies in an accident, it says. So they've heard dogs were delicious to eat. And instead of burying it, they decide to cook it and eat it to avoid waste.

• 20:55Speaker 01

  To avoid waste is an annoying addendum. It's like, what waste would there be? You'd put it in the ground and then the bugs would get it, and that wouldn't be waste anyway.

• 21:05Dax Shepard?

  You could make an argument, this isn't mine, but you could say, well, they didn't then go and buy some beef that night. So they saved their consumption of the beef and didn't waste this available meat they had.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, I feel like it's someone who runs over a raccoon on the road and they eat it.

• 21:22Dax Shepard?

  Like, I applaud that person.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Like Richard Christie from The Stern Show.

• 21:25Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. Exactly what I was thinking of.

• 21:28Speaker 01

  Hi, Richard.

• 21:29Dax Shepard?

  We're having coon tonight.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  We're having coon tonight, Richard.

• 21:34Dax Shepard?

  This is your dad.

• 21:35Speaker 01

  This is your dad. Bring your appetite.

• 21:38Dax Shepard?

  And you're a dog owner, and maybe we should talk a little bit about Glenn for a second.

• 21:41Speaker 01

  Glenn?

• 21:42Dax Shepard?

  Because this is a very fun animal story, I think.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Glenn's my best boy. I love Glenn.

• 21:48Dax Shepard?

  He's the love of your life, no?

• 21:49Speaker 01

  Aaron, can I speak to you because Glenn's my number one?

• 21:52Dax Shepard?

  Is this your Glenn voice? You're going talking voice? She has many Glenn dog.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  I have many Glenn dog. I was just looking for a picture, the best picture of him.

• 21:59Dax Shepard?

  But you know the history of Glenn?

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Aaron, you have to hear this.

• 22:02Dax Shepard?

  Glenn was our dog first. We rescued Glenn, and I don't care for dogs all that much. But I loved Glenn. Glenn was such a sweet boy. He looked exactly like a Glenn. I named him Glenn, I think.

• 22:17Speaker 01

  You 100% named him Glenn.

• 22:18Dax Shepard?

  He was such a soft boy.

• 22:20Speaker 01

  By the way, best dog name. Anytime I tell anyone his name is Glenn, they fucking bug. And it's been happening with Pat and for 10 years. And every time they go, God, that is such a good dog.

• 22:28Dax Shepard?

  There's no way that you would look at Glenn and then hear his name and have an issue with it. No one has ever owned a name as much as Glenn owns his name. So the problem with Glenn is he's a super dander creator. He has so much fucking dander. And I've never been as allergic to a dog as I was Glenn. Even if he just walked in the room, my eyes were red, my nose was running.

• 22:49Speaker 01

  And wasn't it happening to Delta too? Like, wasn't she a baby, baby, baby?

• 22:53Dax Shepard?

  That would make sense because I doubt that my own allergies to it would have gotten him out of the house. Because I was allergic to the previous two dogs and I don't seem to mind too much.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  So no one gave a fat rat's ass.

• 23:04Dax Shepard?

  So I loved Glenn, but we couldn't have him. And then Jackie was visiting so often that she developed this relationship with Glenn. She was living in her house.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Glenn basically was on the floor of the home at all times.

• 23:18Dax Shepard?

  And she fell in love with Glenn.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 23:21Dax Shepard?

  And I was like, Jackie, we're gonna get rid of Glenn. I really think you should take Glenn. And Jackie, go ahead. What were your initial thoughts?

• 23:28Speaker 01

  My initial thoughts were, by the way, this is Glenn's vet, righty.

• 23:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Glennie.

• 23:33Speaker 01

  My initial thoughts were absolutely not. What's really interesting is not only were you not a dog person, I was not a dog person. When I was at a restaurant and like someone's dog would be like at your feet and other people would be like, cutie. I'd be like, we're in a restaurant. Get the fuck out like you're in a... Like, I don't need your paws on my knee while I try to eat. So I was not into dogs at all. And people used to give me shit and be like, do you think it's fucked up that like you want a kid, but you don't like dogs? People were giving me...

• 24:00Dax Shepard?

  People think it's amoral to not be in love.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  I was getting shit for it all the time. And because Kristen was rescuing dogs four times a week, it was chipping away at my like, oh, this one's cute. And Shaky, one of her first dogs, was the first dog I was ever friends with.

• 24:13Dax Shepard?

  Same. Mac and Shaky, yeah.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. So Shaky was the first dog I was ever friends with. And then Lola, or at the same time. And then Glenn came along and I loved him and he took a liking to me. And I remember saying to them, like, first of all, I live in a one-bedroom apartment. I am unemployed. This was in August and I was like, I'm traveling in December. And Kristen laughed in my face. She was like, you can't take a dog because you're traveling in six months? You'll drop him back off over here. You'll be fine. And Dax was like, listen, can you just take him for the weekend? I need my face to be able to clear up, please. And we'll figure it out. He would, knowing full well, I was never gonna give back the dog. I go, fine, just for the weekend.

• 24:54Dax Shepard?

  There was literally a moment on the porch.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  So I'm on the porch and he puts Glenn in my arms. I was about to leave without him.

• 25:01Dax Shepard?

  So he was not taking him?

• 25:02Speaker 01

  And he goes, just for the weekend. And he puts Glenn in my arms with a bag of food and puts the leash like draped on my shoulders.

• 25:09Dax Shepard?

  It's the most forceful I've ever been, I think.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  And he closes the door. I hear a lock. And then through the door I hear, and maybe this will help with your commitment issues.

• 25:19Dax Shepard?

  I had two motives. A, I wanted Glenn to be happy and I knew she loved Glenn. And then also, we had had many talk about commitment issues.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  It worked.

• 25:27Dax Shepard?

  And I'm like, this is... This is the perfect way to fucking immersion therapy.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:33Dax Shepard?

  Commitment.

• 25:33Speaker 01

  It worked.

• 25:34Dax Shepard?

  You might have called with some questions in the morning.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 25:36Dax Shepard?

  But you just never look back.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Never look back.

• 25:38Dax Shepard?

  That dog was never coming back.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  That's my soulmate. There's really no question that he's my soulmate. I mean, on more than 20 occasions, I've cried looking at him. I love this fucking dog.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Did that say that after he locked the door?

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  That is the cinematic timing that Jack Chappell would give you every time. I hear it go, "And maybe this'll help with your commitment issues." And I think through the door, I was like, "You're a fucking asshole, dude."

• 26:04Dax Shepard?

  I'll worry about my commitment issues. None of your business. Okay, so I bring Glenn up because it's not like you don't have a dog. So as you vote for this moral conundrum.

• 26:13Speaker 01

  God, you're so good at bringing it back around. You really haven't smoked pot in a long time. I'm proud of you.

• 26:19Dax Shepard?

  You know what it's like to love and cherish a dog. Now, where the?

• 26:24Speaker 01

  This is 1011.

• 26:26Speaker 02

  1911, is it right here at the corner? This is the one?

• 26:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  1907.

• 26:30Dax Shepard?

  See, I'm not gonna pull up in there driving because that's not a...

• 26:32Speaker 02

  That's not a good...

• 26:33Speaker 01

  1907.

• 26:34Dax Shepard?

  I don't like that.

• 26:37Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Mom's Car. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart. Unfortunately, not checking that your phone isn't connected to your car's Bluetooth before having a private conversation is not so smart. Let me tell you, nothing quite prepares you for the moment when you realize your entire carpool just heard every detail of your last doctor's appointment through the car speakers. Talk about an awkward ride. Or how about this one? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart. Unfortunately, not checking that all your windows are closed before going through the car wash is not smart. I learned that lesson the hard way last week.

• 27:19Dax Shepard?

  There's nothing quite like getting an unexpected shower while you're trying to clean your car's interior. At least the kids thought it was hilarious. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America Insurance. Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmigiana delivered. A day at the lake? That's a no. A Philly cheesesteak? That's a yes. An afternoon stroll? Sorry, no. A burrito bowl? Happily yes. What about a day of sunshine? Not happening. A box of fine chocolates?

• 28:04Dax Shepard?

  Yes, that's happening. Delivery on its way. Okay, how about some clear skies? Nope. Well, then, how about some french fries? Yep. A little escape? No. A delicious bowl of grapes? Yes, yes, that. How about a freshly cut lawn? Can't help you there. But barbecued prawns? Order it and it's on its way. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Okay. Here we go.

• 28:37Dax Shepard?

  We made a fortune today. God. We might even pay for our internet.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Our gas. Dax was saying you do Uber in Detroit and it's fucking madness.

• 28:46Speaker 02

  It's fun. This would upset Dax probably, but I don't want to do it.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  Right. I don't think it would.

• 28:52Speaker 02

  I'm trying to make ends meet.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  There is fun.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Stuff going on?

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Things that happen.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  We're talking about Uber.

• 28:58Dax Shepard?

  Dude got in the backseat with a full ski mask on it.

• 29:01Speaker 01

  No, no, no. That's actually gonna be a no.

• 29:04Dax Shepard?

  I didn't love it.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  That was my first ride ever.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  No, it wasn't.

• 29:06Speaker 02

  Yes, it was.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  I was like, oh, man.

• 29:09Dax Shepard?

  You wanna hear the punchline?

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 29:11Dax Shepard?

  He drove him to a place of employment. He took his mask off and went in and went to work. And it was a style thing. And I was like, how does one know if it's style or he just robbed a bank? We gotta get you to vote on this moral conundrum.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  This is the thing. I'm a vegetarian. I personally don't eat any meat. I'm gonna sound like such a crunchy dickhead. But like, I think if you're eating all kinds of meat.

• 29:34Dax Shepard?

  Like, what's the death?

• 29:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, is it that much different? So I obviously don't eat meat and don't think you should eat your dog. And I think that is not.

• 29:45Speaker 02

  When you say it, oh, wow.

• 29:46Dax Shepard?

  They don't want you to eat your dog.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  But if like you eat all sorts of meat, you eat, let's say, roadkill and you eat all this other meat and you are Richard Christie's family, it's not the end of the world, especially if you didn't kill it to eat it. That would be beyond.

• 30:01Dax Shepard?

  Now we got a real issue. I just think you have to admit it's very arbitrary what we think you're allowed to eat and not eat.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:08Dax Shepard?

  It's like, yeah, we can eat a deer, we can eat a cow, we can't eat a camel, we can't eat a horse. We can't, you know, like, none of it makes a ton of sense. Aaron, where are you at on it? I feel like I know, but what do you think? You also are a dog lover and dog owner.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Listen, I think anyone is entitled to do that. I don't have a problem with it. I wouldn't because I'm in fucking love with my dogs and they're my soulmates as well.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  Did you imagine? That's another piece of it.

• 30:34Speaker 02

  I would probably fucking sweep with their rotting body until it was in too bad of condition to eat.

• 30:41Dax Shepard?

  Someone said this the other day. I wonder what your two senses. Let me own, I'm too sensitive to comments. My fault. But someone was mad because a topic came up. Boy, it felt kind of a name to me, but it was like, you should have done a trigger warning. God, I gotta remember the issue. I was like, really? But at some point, my show's about addiction and trauma and molesting. That's what the show is. Do you need to be reminded every episode? Or at what point could you go like, yeah, I know what this show is. Like, you're not watching Jerry Springer if you hate chicks fighting in bras.

• 31:17Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 31:17Dax Shepard?

  You can't watch the show and be upset that that happened.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Is the person saying like, oh, it was their first time listening, so they didn't know?

• 31:23Dax Shepard?

  No, they like the show. That's what's sad. I don't want upsetting these people. They're arm cherries and I love them, but it was probably eating disorder. That's, I get that a lot. That's a very common, like, they want to be warned. But I'm like, it's Nikki Glaser. Her stand-up routine is about ED quite often. And this is a show where we talk about trauma, like, I don't know, am I being overly sensitive?

• 31:43Speaker 01

  No, no, I do get it, but it's that same thing where it just becomes a spectrum of like, you have misophonia, so I have to let you know that someone's chewing? I can't do it and I'm not gonna do it.

• 31:52Dax Shepard?

  I want some responsibility for themselves, which is like, if it's Triggering to hear about someone talk about eating a certain But then listen to Smartless. I guarantee they're never gonna bring it up.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  We're listening to like comedy pods.

• 32:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, there's so many, but if you're listening to one that's in the statement is the messiness of being human and it's all about addiction and stuff, I don't know.

• 32:09Speaker 01

  I do feel empathy for that person. I just think it's really hard to go through your life expecting everybody to like warn you of everything that's gonna happen in your daily life. Every radio show, every TV, every, everything. It's like shit's gonna suck sometimes and things are gonna come up and hopefully you could be doing the work with your therapist or with the people in your life to be like, ah, this came up today and it fucking sucks.

• 32:32Dax Shepard?

  I guess my broader point was every single episode would have a trigger warning.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 32:36Dax Shepard?

  And at some point when everyone know like, yeah, this isn't a show if you're easily triggered.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  Right, right.

• 32:41Dax Shepard?

  But I guess that's the assumption. Okay, let's do an advicey question.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 32:46Dax Shepard?

  This is from a listener.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 32:50Dax Shepard?

  Now I am sympathetic to the musicavonia people.

• 32:53Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, that fucker is stuck in my throat.

• 32:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I get it.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Dax, it's just you and me, Aaron passed. Oh, no. I'll miss him. I liked him.

• 33:01Dax Shepard?

  Should've been a trigger warning that guy was gonna choke to death in the episode.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  Now that's a trigger warning I could get by. Somebody just died.

• 33:08Dax Shepard?

  He lost a loved one in a choking accident.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  He died doing what he loves.

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Eating joking on bagels.

• 33:14Dax Shepard?

  Choking on mangoes that he thought was dry bagels.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  Okay, title is, husbands looking at sexy girls on the Gram and YouTube. Well, I have a little of a dilemma. For context, I'm 37. My husband is 57.

• 33:30Dax Shepard?

  Whoa, okay.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  Yes. He is a great husband, no complaints, but for a while now, he only wants to have sex if I'm wearing some kind of miniskirt. Love it, do it. But now...

• 33:43Dax Shepard?

  Wait, hold on, are you saying that or is the...

• 33:44Speaker 02

  No, I'm reading verbatim.

• 33:46Dax Shepard?

  She said, "Love it, do it."

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:48Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  She loves it, she does it. But now that's the only way. It's like... Okay, I'm all for looking sexy and role-playing all, but all the time? Like, no. So I went on his Instagram and saw he was looking at all kinds of sexy, big booty, miniskirt girls. Whatever, saw his YouTube and the same. It's not porn, just modeling tiny skirts booty out. Whatever.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  To be in so much pain and keep saying whatever, like eight to 10 times? Okay.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  My issue is that now that's the only way he wants to do it. When and if I dress up. We have a healthy sex life, no complaints.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Oh, my angel.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  I will even take pictures of myself with the minis and send to him. He loves it. But for me, it's getting old and I'm feeling a little weird about it and I don't know why. Is he thinking of them or me? I don't know. Do I have an issue with this? I do, but I don't really. I don't know, but something about this is bugging me.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 34:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, well, Jackie, what do you think?

• 34:49Speaker 01

  I go first?

• 34:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Okay. My first thought is talk to your partner, of course. I'm wondering, has she already brought it up? Because I think if there was only one very particular way my partner was comfortable having sex, I would have to bring it up because also there's two people involved in the relationship. And the way that I want to get started should be taken into account as well as the way that my partner wants to get started. For me, it's more of like a, well, is she getting her needs met? And why isn't she bringing that up? And as far as like the Instagram and YouTube, uh...

• 35:27Dax Shepard?

  You almost got to break apart this thing, right?

• 35:28Speaker 01

  Yes, there's multiple different issues going on.

• 35:30Dax Shepard?

  I'm someone that is of the opinion that you shouldn't care if your partner looks at pictures or watches pornography. I think like what's happening in their imagination, you don't really have a right to own that real estate. I think what everyone's fantasy life is, is up to them and I, I don't think that that's... Part of monogamy. I don't think you get to say you're not gonna enjoy pictures of people. Now, I know people who have actual porn addiction.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:00Dax Shepard?

  And it's very destructive to a relationship. So it's like, okay, what version? Is it they watch porn a few times a week? Or are they like watching six times a day?

• 36:09Speaker 01

  And they're not leaving the house.

• 36:10Dax Shepard?

  And if they have a free day, they spend eight hours jerking up. Like, that really gets in the way of your relationship.

• 36:16Speaker 01

  And in your life in general, but yeah, of course.

• 36:18Dax Shepard?

  It's an addiction, and there's wreckage. So, there's not enough info for me to say like, does the guy have a problem? I think it's interesting he's not watching porn. It's kind of like a PG version of this.

• 36:27Speaker 01

  But also, like, is he and she just doesn't know?

• 36:29Speaker 02

  She would know, it sounds like.

• 36:30Dax Shepard?

  Sounds like she's all over his IG and his YouTube.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  A shocker, I agree with you. But I know that's what makes this show so great. I agree with everything you say.

• 36:45Dax Shepard?

  That's why we have a guest.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  But I do, yeah, I do want to say that I think it's so healthy for couples to have their own fantasy life. I can't see it being, you're only thinking about your spouse.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  But also, if you say you are, you're lying anyway. And is that worse where you're like, no, I've never thought someone else was hot? Because then if you have a partner. Right, if you have a partner who's like, you better not be thinking of anyone else. It's like, well, okay, then I'm not. Do you want that to go on me to say? I'm happy to say that.

• 37:16Dax Shepard?

  Well, and I think people have like rungs of this, right? Like, it seems that it's very common for people to be able to say it about Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston. Right, that there's some safe level. The idea of a hall pass is interesting. People are like fine with that, like, oh, my hall pass is Brad Pitt. And obviously, it's safe because it can never happen. But you're okay with that. Well, most people are okay with that. Where it gets tricky is, do you think someone's attractive in your inner circle?

• 37:45Speaker 01

  At work.

• 37:46Dax Shepard?

  At work. Again, I know I'm out on the spectrum on this. I don't think what I'm gonna say is normal. I would think it would be nuts if Kristen wasn't attracted to guys. And I think it'd be nuts if she wasn't attracted to people she knows in work.

• 37:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:00Dax Shepard?

  I think you've just gotta be really clear about what is the thing that's being violated that you cherish? Like, I've always said, if Kristen fucked a dude in a trailer and I never found out about it, I don't care. If Kristen's involved in an affair and she's not present with me as my partner, and she's not present with the kids, and she's lying and juggling this other life, that's a real problem for us. For me, it's not even the sex. It's just like, well, you're very distracted by something, and I need this level of partnership from you, and it's getting in the way. But, back to this person. My just gut tells me this guy has some intimacy issues. Like, he has got to objectify her in a way that she fits into this category of what he likes, which is girls in skirts, anonymous girls in skirts.

• 38:44Dax Shepard?

  And he almost needs to make her be this so he can maybe be sexual with her and not feel shame or something. I just think something is afoot.

• 38:54Speaker 01

  And I also wonder if it's like that thing in mating in captivity, where it's like there has to be distance created for you to then be attracted to a person, which is why it's...

• 39:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh, this is Astor Perel.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Like, why sex lives die so much in relationships? Because that person is so available to you.

• 39:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  And there's that sense of, this isn't her. This isn't them. There's like a little bit of distance there. They're literally like in an anonymous bent over pee hole.

• 39:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and she says, modern day romance is like, we want you to be our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our business partner.

• 39:26Speaker 01

  Every single thing.

• 39:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I'm feeling bad for this girl.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  Me too. I just want her to talk to him.

• 39:31Speaker 02

  I feel bad and I wish she would go to couples therapy to get it out in the open with a third party. I'm a big supporter of that.

• 39:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, me too. I can only imagine this dude's gonna get defensive when she brings this up. I don't think the approach is for her to go like, I'm worried that you have this thing.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Right.

• 39:49Dax Shepard?

  I don't think his thing is your business nor your right to say. What you should say is like, I need more. I desire...

• 39:56Speaker 01

  This isn't the way that I want to have sex.

• 39:59Dax Shepard?

  I'm not.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  I want to be looking at you.

• 40:01Dax Shepard?

  Judge the way you're into it, whatever your thing is. I'm not going to try to threaten that or talk you out of it, but this is what I need. I need to be in other outfits. I'd like to look at your face someday.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Not that I would say.

• 40:14Dax Shepard?

  He doesn't, I don't know, it feels very detached and kind of objectified.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  Because I think also if they were having fun and she was getting all her needs met, you're only as needy as your unmet needs. You can tell I've been in therapy.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  So she doesn't feel seen by him because if she did and then she looked over his shoulder and he was looking at a hot ass in a skirt, she'd lean in and be like, oh, cute buns. She would feel involved in the relationship, but because she feels sort of left out to dry.

• 40:44Dax Shepard?

  Sounds like she's been assigned a role.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  She has.

• 40:47Dax Shepard?

  Like, I need you to do all this.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  And be all these people, right, which sucks.

• 40:52Dax Shepard?

  Do we dare talk about the age gap?

• 40:54Speaker 01

  That's the other thing.

• 40:55Dax Shepard?

  I would just be nervous.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  Pushing 60 is so virile.

• 40:58Dax Shepard?

  Boy, this guy's on fire. I'm not looking at much stuff anymore at 50. This guy's impressive, but I'm gonna guess and it'll offend people. I'm worried about the leverage in the relationship. My hunch is 57, 27, was it that?

• 41:14Speaker 01

  37.

• 41:15Dax Shepard?

  37, 57, my hunch is he's financially sorted. He's already been married or not. I don't know, I just. That's a good hunch. I worry about the leverage in the situation and this might just be a symptom of that leverage.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  Right, it's his house.

• 41:29Dax Shepard?

  Maybe 37-year-old girls get deadbeat 57-year-olds, but I don't.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Right, I doubt, exactly.

• 41:33Dax Shepard?

  I think it's low percentage. And if you're like, yeah, I own the home and you came into my life and this is my thing, this is what I like, I just am, I'm a little nervous of the overall leverage.

• 41:43Speaker 01

  Which I can't speak to, but do not care for and make me have even more distaste for this poor gal situation. Because it's interesting, it's not the end of the world. It's like a lot of people are in just sexless marriages. It's a nightmare.

• 41:57Dax Shepard?

  It doesn't sound like she's asking for much. She's like down to party and she'll wear it and she likes it, but she also wants some other variety.

• 42:04Speaker 01

  Feels like this guy's lucky.

• 42:05Dax Shepard?

  Sounds like this guy's got it made. Uh, yeah, but you can't have it made much longer.

• 42:12Dax Shepard?

  Have you ever had a boyfriend that had like some very specific, it had to be one way?

• 42:17Speaker 01

  No, not in it had to be one way. Just people liking certain things. Not that I was grossed out by or not into, but like, oh, that's a twist.

• 42:27Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  Okay, hi, hi. No, but never, never something where I was like, oh, my God, this is the only.

• 42:34Dax Shepard?

  I would do it, but thankfully I've never been asked to like, wear a police costume and come in the house and roleplay and bad acting. That would be really hard. I would do it if that's what someone desired.

• 42:45Speaker 01

  It would be such a turn off for me.

• 42:47Dax Shepard?

  You haven't done any of that business either.

• 42:49Speaker 01

  No, any of that like crazy.

• 42:50Dax Shepard?

  I don't know how someone can do it.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 42:53Dax Shepard?

  I have a hard enough time.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  That outfit you wore to the roller skating party?

• 42:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. Taking someone seriously.

• 42:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but happens by accident if you're both in crazy costumes. Sure, that's cool.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  This is so crazy. This has popped into my brain. There's something weirdly hot about anonymous.

• 43:08Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  Right? Like if you're.

• 43:09Dax Shepard?

  Erica Young, did you ever read Fear of Flying?

• 43:11Speaker 01

  Maybe when I was younger, years and years and years ago.

• 43:14Dax Shepard?

  Seminal feminist work.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Yes, of course, no, of course.

• 43:15Dax Shepard?

  The zipless fuck was her term.

• 43:17Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 43:18Dax Shepard?

  She desired the zipless fuck. She wanted to meet like a guy on the train.

• 43:21Speaker 01

  I've always had that with like someone in the supermarket.

• 43:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  Like you just see someone across the supermarket and like within five minutes, you're in someone's car.

• 43:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 43:28Speaker 01

  But I've never done that.

• 43:29Dax Shepard?

  Erin has done that.

• 43:30Speaker 01

  Yes, the supermarket fuck?

• 43:32Dax Shepard?

  Well, just, I've never seen records set like this. Where one time we were in high school and we were at this place we hung out at, Country Boy or Restaurant. It was like an even lower end of a Denny's.

• 43:43Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, I didn't know you could.

• 43:45Dax Shepard?

  And she arrived and I think with my girlfriend Carrie. And then I swear to God, Jackie, five minutes later, they were fucking in the bathroom in 12th grade. I was getting jacked under the table.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  This is a great story. How, how did it happen? She just took it out?

• 44:02Dax Shepard?

  I'll leave with my whole theory after he tells you. Yeah, I don't remember. Erin has the cutest, most innocent smile. And I have seen many times, girls meet Erin and they're like, oh, he's so safe. I'm gonna be the aggressor, which is lovely. I've seen that so many times in 35 years. I think girls rightly so, when they meet me, they're like, watch out, this guy's horny, he's got an agenda. I'm gonna have my guard up, and great, and they should. But I think Aaron's cute smile, his A got us out of every issue we were in in junior high. Every time we were getting yelled at, he would smile real cute and they would send me to the principal's office. Or, he could fart in class, he would smile and laugh and the girls would be like, "Oh my god, that's so cute how high pitched it was."

• 44:46Dax Shepard?

  He was the only kid who could fart in junior high and girls thought it was super cute.

• 44:49Speaker 02

  Thank you for saying that. Ruthie will never believe me that that happened.

• 44:53Dax Shepard?

  A hundred percent. And then we'd be at a restaurant and he'd just smile at a girl and she'd start jerking off under the table and then they would go to the bathroom and fuck. Yeah, it's hard not to be jealous of some of the-

• 45:03Speaker 01

  Oh, what a delight.

• 45:04Dax Shepard?

  Well, a lot of fast acting today.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  A lot of fast acting today. No athletes, but what to be found.

• 45:12Dax Shepard?

  You've had some quick, though. You've had some quick-

• 45:14Speaker 01

  I will not be talking about those on this show.

• 45:18Dax Shepard?

  I know some 0 to 60s.

• 45:20Speaker 01

  So, 0 to 60s.

• 45:21Dax Shepard?

  I have some favorite.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  He has some favorite men.

• 45:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  Some favorite men.

• 45:25Dax Shepard?

  In fact-

• 45:26Speaker 01

  You can cut them out.

• 45:27Dax Shepard?

  I told this story recently because, okay, I was filming, my name is Earl. I was guest starring for a week and the lead actress was not shooting that week. And so I had her trailer. They gave me her trailer. And so, it's like Friday, it's the last day. I've been outside, it's 95 degrees in North Hollywood. That's where we're filming and I'm outside the whole time. I get back to the trailer and I hear that they've called her in. We finished early and they've called her and they're actually gonna pick up a scene, right? Jamie Presley.

• 45:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:57Dax Shepard?

  So now I'm getting out of my wardrobe and I have my clothes and I start dilly-dallying. You know this story because you're one of the people we told this to.

• 46:07Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 46:08Dax Shepard?

  Now I'm really taking my sweet time. I'm naked for a while in the trailer. It's like, I'm having an ethical dilemma about it. It's just so sexy, I don't know. I'm in her trailer naked. And then I walk by the mirror where you sit at the little table and I see that my testicles are lower than my penis. They were so fucking droopy from the 95 degree day of shooting in full wardrobe. And I was like- Oh my God, I look like Taffy. It was so gross that I like ran and got my clothes on. But then Kristen and I get together and I tell her this story and she goes, "Let me just tell you right now, no woman wants to walk in her trailer and see you naked." And I'm like, "You're probably right, but I would love to walk in my trailer and see a naked woman."

• 46:53Dax Shepard?

  So we asked so many people and the only person we ever asked was you. We're like, "I don't know, let me see. I walk in my trailer, you're in there naked." And you're like, "Yeah, I'm up for seeing that."

• 47:08Dax Shepard?

  And so I held on to my argument for a decade based solely on you. You were the only person that said it was, but I was like, "Okay, there is one."

• 47:16Speaker 01

  Of course I did. And Kristen always says she married me.

• 47:18Dax Shepard?

  Yes, exactly. But I just held on to it. And then lo and behold, Jackie, I don't know if you remember the punchline, but Kristen and I go to Ethan Suplee's kid's birthday party. There's a hot tub, we're in it, and I look to my left and Jamie Presley's in the hot tub. And I'm like, "Oh, hey, cha-cha-cha." And then I go, "Oh, my God, you could settle about a decade-long debate between Kristen and I." And I go, "So I had your trailer, I was really dilly-dallying, I was naked. What would have been your reaction?" She goes, "Oh, terrified, I'd hate it." Okay, well, that's, is the end of that. We have our resolution.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  I did not remember the whole thing.

• 47:57Dax Shepard?

  We got from the horse's mouth, "Let me settle this debate."

• 48:00Speaker 01

  Here's what's scary about my memory. I remember the story now, of course, and of course I stand by that I would have been like, "Oh, cool."

• 48:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, why not?

• 48:08Speaker 01

  I would have been like, "Oh, I'll be right back."

• 48:10Dax Shepard?

  Or, "You don't want me to come in?"

• 48:13Speaker 01

  There was a time, Jonathan. I was watching myself on Celebrity Jeopardy recently, which of course has 100 insane things about that sentence.

• 48:23Dax Shepard?

  Wait, Jackie, I haven't seen that.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  I played against Neil deGrasse Tyson.

• 48:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good luck. That's not fair.

• 48:30Speaker 01

  Do you want me to tell you what happened?

• 48:31Dax Shepard?

  Tell me.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Well, it was already aired, that's why I can tell you.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  I'll beat him.

• 48:37Dax Shepard?

  You beat Neil deGrasse Tyson? Did you win?

• 48:40Speaker 01

  I won my episode and then I went on to the semifinals, which have not aired yet, so I can't tell you.

• 48:45Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  Tell you, shut the cameras, I can't tell you what happened there. But the point of the story is I had a couple of friends over just to watch it. Cause I had my friend Brendan coach me because he's a Jeopardy champion on Real Jeopardy. So I had him come over and coach me and as we're watching it on the air, they ask a question and I'm like, fuck, fuck if I know. And TV Jackie buzzes in and goes pendulum.

• 49:11Dax Shepard?

  Well, you've gotten dumber since you recorded it a couple of weeks before.

• 49:15Speaker 01

  But I'm just saying if it makes me feel any better that as you're telling me this story, it's coming back to me in pieces.

• 49:22Dax Shepard?

  I admire your bravery because A, I've been invited. I watched Jeopardy for years.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 49:28Dax Shepard?

  I think I'm good. Honestly, I'm too vain to go there and find out I'm not good. It's too high risk for me.

• 49:35Speaker 01

  I think it's too high risk for you too. But I don't think it's too high risk for me. Because you're famously very bright. You're famously like who you are and like what you've studied and your pod and you know things. Like that's not, that's not what I'm known for. I'm known for like having jokes and it is what it is. So I thought if I show up.

• 49:56Dax Shepard?

  Couple zero to sixties now.

• 49:56Speaker 01

  Couple zero to sixties, couple backs, a couple cars. But I was like, if I show up and I just don't look like a huge asshole, I'll be fine.

• 50:04Dax Shepard?

  What I saw was the clip you posted, which is you being hysterical on Jeopardy. Taking huge swings and landing them. And I was like, this is incredible. I think this is the wildest I've seen someone be on Jeopardy. I was really admiring what you did.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  When I got a daily double, I was like, Ken, I'm never gonna be able to say this again. So I'm saying it now, I'd like to make it a true daily double.

• 50:25Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 50:25Speaker 01

  Even if I fucking lose. Cause my charity was getting 30K anyway. I'm not gonna win against Neil deGrasse Tyson.

• 50:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  So what are we doing?

• 50:32Dax Shepard?

  And guess what? You are.

• 50:33Speaker 01

  So guess what?

• 50:34Dax Shepard?

  There's no win for him. He like fought a woman, basically. You win, you lose. You lose, you lose.

• 50:40Speaker 01

  At the end of the game, he and the other gal we were playing against, Melissa Peterman, she's like from Reba and stuff. They were both at about 12 or 13,000 points and I was about 8,000. So I wasn't gonna win, but I was doing okay.

• 50:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 50:52Speaker 01

  So then for final Jeopardy, I was like, well, I'm just gonna go for it.

• 50:55Dax Shepard?

  What was the question?

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Ready for the clue?

• 50:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 50:58Speaker 01

  The Muppets.

• 50:59Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  Really celebrity jeopardy like SNL. So I was like, okay. And I think it was like Muppet Stick Manhattan or The Great Muppet Caper. One box is marked frog and has Kermit in it. One box is marked bear. It has Fozzie in it. One box is marked whatever and it has this in it. And Melissa said animal.

• 51:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  Neil said snuffleufagus. And I said the correct answer, which was gonzo.

• 51:22Dax Shepard?

  Gonzo. Really good work. I almost forgot about gonzo.

• 51:28Speaker 01

  My god, that's a great.

• 51:29Dax Shepard?

  Have you done Sesame Street?

• 51:31Speaker 01

  No, but I want to. And I was, well, excuse me. Ask that again.

• 51:34Dax Shepard?

  Have you done Sesame Street?

• 51:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, when I was 11.

• 51:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my god, as a little girl.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Not as a grown. When I was a little kid, my agent, Aggie Gold of Fresh Faces Agency.

• 51:44Dax Shepard?

  That was the name of Fresh Faces.

• 51:45Speaker 01

  Of course. And I was a kid actor. She got an audition for a kid for Sesame Street who could pogo stick. So naturally she submitted me and they called and they said, can she pogo stick? We really need someone to pogo stick. She said, of course she can. She calls me and she says, you gotta learn to pogo stick.

• 52:00Dax Shepard?

  And how much the heads up? How many days?

• 52:02Speaker 01

  Two, three, max.

• 52:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wow.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  My mom, like, I think borrowed a pogo stick from a family friend. And of course I made this mistake. I pogo sticked on the floor. I would say marble, but we all know it wasn't marble in my house in Long Island, but that's what it looked like.

• 52:16Dax Shepard?

  Yes, it was a tiled floor.

• 52:17Speaker 01

  The tiley, granitey moment. These boys' shorts, exactly the same. And I'm pogoing and I fall forward and I smash my nose. That's still broken.

• 52:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  And I go to my next door neighbor, because my parents weren't home. I was 11 and I bang on his door. Sal Venti, Salvador Venti.

• 52:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, nice.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  Okay, he lives, he lives next door. Called himself.

• 52:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, what the hell?

• 52:40Speaker 01

  Ready for what he called himself? Chucky the Love Grenade.

• 52:42Dax Shepard?

  What?

• 52:43Speaker 01

  Chucky the Love Grenade. This is a true story.

• 52:45Dax Shepard?

  Like he was a disc jockey.

• 52:46Speaker 01

  He literally was a cop.

• 52:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 52:47Speaker 01

  But he would be like, if you have any questions, ask Chucky the Love Grenade. Okay, so Sal comes over and I'm like, I bashed my nose. My nose was bleeding. He takes the bridge of my nose and just squeezes it.

• 52:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  And he's like, I felt something go back into place. And then he's like, wait till your parents get home. My parents got home and the blood stopped. I never went to the doctor, never got my nose fixed.

• 53:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, mine was broken and it didn't get fixed.

• 53:09Speaker 01

  Never got fixed. But I forgot that the Chucky the Love Grenade thing, that may have been after I booked. I don't remember. Because then they had to put makeup on me after I booked because I was bruised.

• 53:18Dax Shepard?

  And did you no longer have to ride the pogo stick?

• 53:20Speaker 01

  I still did. So I think the order was, I got the audition. My agent said, "You need to learn to pogo stick." I learned, then I booked. But all I could do was do it three times in a row, standing still. And then, of course, when I got there, they were like, "Well, have you pogo in and pogo out?" And I had to lie and be like, "These floors and the bottom of the..." It's that, but of course, I just didn't know how to mobile pogo. So after I booked, that's when I cracked my nose, in between booking and filming.

• 53:51Dax Shepard?

  That's so weird, because that's my broken nose story too. I had booked a fucking Carl's Jr. commercial, which I could not book anything. I was so bad. And on the weekend before we shot, 22, on the weekend, a guy broke my nose in a fistfight. And I tried to show up, and my nose was so fucking big, and my eyes were like, "What? I was like, 'Makeup?'" And they're like, "Oh, my God, no."

• 54:11Speaker 01

  I'm like, "No, dude, we have a backup for this very reason, you fucking dickhead."

• 54:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  They're like, "Brian?" And the other guy comes right in and replaces you immediately.

• 54:20Dax Shepard?

  The director just put on the my outfit.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  100%.

• 54:24Dax Shepard?

  Well, Jackie, that was so fun. I'm so glad you joined us.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  We did this.

• 54:29Dax Shepard?

  And you were really a good luck charm. Did you have fun?

• 54:31Speaker 01

  I had the best fucking time. I got out of the car and hugged you, boys. This was delicious.

• 54:36Dax Shepard?

  I love you.

• 54:37Speaker 01

  I ate all my snacks. I love you.