What To Do When Life Feels Empty & Overwhelming - Simon Sinek (4K)

Go see Chris live in America - https://chriswilliamson.live Simon Sinek is a speaker, founder, and an author. We live in an age of uncertainty, where finding purpose in your life feels harder than ever. So, how do you find a purpose that moves you and trust that it’s worth pursuing? How can you be sure your purpose serves both yourself and the world? In a world starved for meaning, finding yours might be the most important thing you ever do. Expect to learn if we are in a crisis of purpose, how to deliberately cultivate meaning in your life, how to find your Why and and what makes for a good Why, which struggles Gen Z can learn from millennials mistakes, why men are specifically are struggling with directionlessness in the modern world, if loneliness the cost of leadership, how you can apply an infinite mindset to your personal life and not just business, and much more... - 00:00 Are We In A Crisis Of Purpose? 09:32 Why It's Important To Sit In 'The Mud' With Someone 22:24 Simon’s Definition of Friendship 35:45 Everyone Thinks They Are On The Side Of Good 44:04 Reverse Frankl Law & How Maslow Got It Wrong 53:40 Success Is Learning Failure Can Be A Good Thing 1:04:19 How To Stop Feeling Guilty When You Take A Day Off 1:10:41 Don’t Confuse Your Goals With Life Purpose 1:22:38 Reflecting On The “Millennial Question” 10 Years Later 1:36:03 Advice For Someone Paralyzed By Fear 1:41:21 What’s Next For Simon - Get up to $350 off the Pod 5 at https://eightsleep.com/modernwisdom Get 5 Free Travel Packs, Free Liquid Vitamin D, and more from AG1 at https://ag1.info/modernwisdom Get the best bloodwork analysis in America at https://functionhealth.com/modernwisdom Get a Free Sample Pack of LMNT’s most popular Flavours with your first purchase at https://drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom - Get access to every episode 10 hours before YouTube by subscribing for free on Spotify - https://spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - https://apple.co/2MNqIgw Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - https://chriswillx.com/books/ Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic here - https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom - Get in touch in the comments below or head to... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Chris Williamson?

  Do you think we're in a crisis of purpose right now?

• 0:03Speaker 01

  Uh, I mean, I think it's pretty obvious that we are. I mean, it's embarrassing that I have a career, right?

• 0:09Speaker 01

  There should be no demand for my work.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I think that in general, I think people would admit it. I think that, that, you know, who can say whether it's a, that it's the first time it's ever happened? But I think people are more open to say that they either wanted or were missing it. So, um, but I think, uh, we've definitely seen the workplace change over the past few decades. Um, we've definitely seen the decline in church membership over the past few decades. We've definitely seen, um, you know, increased rates of loneliness and, and anxiety and depression. Um, so, uh, and I think there's a lot of, and, and the significant rise of sort of retreats and purpose, you know, events and things like that. So, yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. So I think there's a, I think it's safe to say yes.

• 0:58Chris Williamson?

  Yeah. Where, what are the areas that have fallen away? You mentioned work, you mentioned church, community.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06Chris Williamson?

  These are things that perhaps 50 years ago, a hundred years ago, would have been more prevalent.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  Well, we, what's interesting is the, what we've seen in the world, like we, people used to get their sense of purpose from church, you know, or things like that. Um, we had bowling, uh, leagues and, and, you know, extracurricular activities where people would have their friends group. Um, uh, you, you socialized with your neighbors. And work was a place you went to, to make a living. It wasn't supposed to be this end all be all of everything. And as those things fell away, we started to put more and more pressure on the workplace to provide those things. So now we're looking for our work to provide our sense of purpose, to provide our sense of community, to, to provide our social life. And now, and now we're also saying that work should be the place that agrees with my politics.

• 1:54Speaker 01

  That never used to happen. And so for better or for worse, there's a tremendous amount of pressure. On the workplace and leaders in the workplace to be able to successfully offer all of those things. And people are quitting their jobs because they're not getting those things. And it never used to be a thing. I think also, we're doing the same thing in our relationships. There's, there's a correlation, which is, you know, you had your friends, you had your, your spouse or your girlfriend, your boyfriend, and, and you didn't expect your partner, your romantic partner, to be able to provide everything. Be my rock, be my best friend, be my lover, be, you know, my stability, be the person. And yet now we

• 2:36Speaker 01

  put overwhelming amounts of pressure on one person to be everything, the same way we're putting overwhelming amounts of pressure on our workplaces to be everything. We're setting both up to fail, by the way, which I think leaves us in a malaise and loss. So I think all of these weird, you know, concoctions are contributing to that sense of, of lost or looking.

• 2:57Chris Williamson?

  Interesting that it's not necessarily that we're applying more pressure just to work and relationships because of some pivot in culture, but that the previous other contributors have fallen away.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:11Chris Williamson?

  And when there's less of a hedged market in that regard, you've got all of your money into a couple of stocks, one of the stocks being work and another one of the stocks being your partner.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:23Chris Williamson?

  And that's an amount of pressure that is going to be very difficult for them to fulfill. And also, not necessarily what they were entirely designed to fulfill.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's one, one person can't be everything. Otherwise, we'd have no need for friends. One person can't be everything, one place can't be everything. Now, having said that, we can't argue against it. It's the way of the world. We can talk about how we got here. That might be a little bit useful, kind of maybe not. You know, technology definitely played a role. You know, for me to get entertainment, there wasn't that much TV. I had to leave the house. I went, I went to, now all of our entertainment is right at our fingertips, on television or on our phones. I mean, there's no reason to leave the house. We're now at a point where you don't even have to go to the movies anymore because you can just wait a week or zero and start streaming whatever you want to watch. So there's no reason to leave the house.

• 4:15Chris Williamson?

  How do you, how do you come to think about people deliberately cultivating meaning in their life? Is this a process that you can go through? Is this a? Is it emergent or is it something that you can decide to try and achieve to cultivate?

• 4:30Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, you can definitely seek it out. I mean, you can definitely seek it out. People find purpose many different ways. Some will stumble upon it. There'll be a crisis. There'll be a realization, they'll survive something. You know, you very often hear people who survive drug addiction or alcoholism or some sort of battle, then devote their lives to helping other people overcome the thing that they overcame. That crisis gave them a sense of purpose. You know, people have families and it gives them a renewed sense of purpose to take care of other human beings. Leadership, you know, when you find yourself responsible for the lives of others, you know, people find purpose in that too.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  You know, those are all. I would be hesitant to tell people to wait for something like that because it may never happen. Right? Or you may not learn the lesson if something does happen. And so the process of uncovering purpose is an objective process. Anyone can go through it. My discovering of my purpose came through crisis. I lost my passion for my work. I owned a small business and I didn't want to go to work anymore. Completely fell out of love and I was very, very, very embarrassed because superficially everything looked good. I mean, I own my own business. I had good clients, like, oh, Sammy doesn't want to go to work, you know?

• 5:57Speaker 01

  And so I kept it to myself, which is a stupid thing to do. Turns out when you're in a dark place and you don't tell anybody about it, it gets darker. That's sort of how it goes. And it wasn't until a friend of mine confronted me and said, there's something wrong and you were not telling me. And I came clean and it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders because now I did not feel alone in my pursuit of being lost. Because when you're lost and you keep it to yourself, you stay lost. And this is just, we're human animals, like we need each other, right? And so when you're lost and you simply tell somebody, I'm lost. And they're willing to just hold your hand and make you not feel alone, even though the journey is still your own. The energy you have, the focus you have, the clarity you get.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  exponentially increases and that's what happened to me. And I now had the energy to find the problem and rediscover purpose. I made this discovery of this thing called the why.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  More important than finding my own, I figured out how to help others find theirs. I started helping my friends. Their friends asked me to help their friends. And before you knew it, people asking me to talk about it. And then I got an opportunity to write about it. So there is a process to find your why. And I'm proud to be a part of them. Proud to be a part of that to help people find it. It's completely changed my life, so.

• 7:20Chris Williamson?

  Does this mean that going through a catastrophe or a low point is a gift in retrospect, in a bizarre way?

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Everybody I've ever talked to who's learned a significant lesson from catastrophe or low points. We all are secretly grateful. Like, nobody wants to go through it again. Like, I hope I never go through anything like that again. It was awful, but I'm glad it happened, you know?

• 7:47Speaker 01

  I think there are lessons to be learned in everything that goes wrong in our lives. And the question is, are you willing to learn those lessons?

• 7:55Speaker 01

  And for those who are, who are, who, who to simply go through something awful, and by the way, it's all relative. A breakup could be the thing, you know? I mean, it doesn't have to be something, you know, that the world regards as catastrophic, you know?

• 8:13Speaker 01

  But something that's, you know, losing a job, I mean, anything that challenges you emotionally. The question we have to ask ourselves is like, what can I learn from this? And a part of that is accountability, you know? And I think that if we want to talk about, if you want to find purpose, you have to take accountability for your life. And what I mean by that is, is like, no one can bestow it upon you. No one can just give you a purpose. It is within you and it is there to be discovered, right? But at the same time, everything that happens to us in our lives, we have to say, okay, how did I contribute to this? How am I responding to this? How can I make this bad situation better? What did I do to make the situation happen? And if it was just bad luck, then, and then.

• 9:00Speaker 01

  We can all easily fall in and out of victimhood. And it plays its role if something bad happens. Like it makes us feel better to be like, the world hates me, you know? But at the same time, at some point, we take accountability for the life that we're living in the present. The past, we can't change.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  But we can, we can be, we can be fully present to say, okay. What am I gonna, if this has happened? How can I grow from this? And that's accountability. That's accountability.

• 9:33Chris Williamson?

  What else are the differences between the people who go through a bad time? And learn lessons from it and in retrospect, say, I don't want to do it again, but I'm glad it happened. And the people who go through a bad time and there's no alchemy out the other side of it.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  I really do believe it's, it's having people by our side that make us feel not alone as we go through it. I've talked about this before where, you know, the mistake we make as friends is we think we have to fix.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Or offer advice to people who are going through something. You know, somebody's going through something horrible, a breakup, they got fired, whatever, you know, whatever it is. Something went horribly wrong. And we well intentioned, say, well, you should do this, or why don't you just go get this? And, you know, a friend of mine who had a, who had a job at a company for most of his career. Got fired, didn't see it coming.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  And he went through this deep depression and like most of the advice he got was just get another job and, you know, success is the biggest F you. And, you know, you'll show them. And

• 10:43Speaker 01

  and they were well intentioned in their advice, but that's not what he needed. He needed somebody to just sit in the mud with him. And, you know, it was just by happenstance, you know, I was the first friend to come to me and be like, boy, that that really hurts.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  That's all I said, like, that really, that really hurts. That's this really, this is really hard. And he goes, yeah. I was like, he's like, I said, don't worry about getting another job. Just sit for a little bit. Like, yes, at some point you're gonna have to, but not today. You know, mourn the loss. And that, that just being told it's okay to have a feeling as opposed to action, action, action, action, which is our default, especially in the States, you know, in the West, like, if you're not doing something, you're a loser, you know? And all it takes is one friend to say, I'll sit in the mud with you. Amazingly, people know what they need. Amazingly, people know what they need. I was going through a hard time.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  I was going through, I wasn't, I wasn't my best self. I was, I was in a bad place. And a friend called me up and said, how are you? And I started saying, I'm in a bad place and this is what I'm feeling. And, and she started offering me advice, well intentioned. And I said, can you not, I don't want that.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Can you just, let me tell you, I just need to, I just need to get it out. And she's like, yeah, so totally sorry, totally sorry. So you can tell somebody what you need and you can reset. You can reset, it doesn't ruin anything. At the same time, you can ask somebody as well. You know? So if somebody's like, I'm going through hell, you can say, do you want me to offer you advice? Do you want me to give you some opinions? Or do you want me to just sit in the mud with you? And they'd be like, ah, just sit in the mud with me. Like, people know what they need. And at the right time, they'll say, I think, I think I'm ready now for that advice. Right? And so we, we, we, most of us are well intentioned, where we either offer, you know?

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Or if somebody's like, if somebody's giving us advice where we don't want it, we just sort of shut them out, which is also the wrong thing to do. Just tell people. It goes back to communication, but at the end of the day, doing any of this stuff alone, and this is what we're getting to, you know, if one of these things happens, tell somebody, tell somebody. You don't need to have a best friend. You just need somebody who you can tell. You know, this is why there's a rise of therapy and things like that. Like, that's a stranger that you can tell.

• 13:12Chris Williamson?

  Surrogate confidant.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  You know, um, uh, you know, the difference, the difference between a therapist and a friend is, you know, your friend never says, time's up, you know?

• 13:23Chris Williamson?

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• 14:25Speaker 01

  I love that insight around

• 14:30Speaker 01

  the subtext of what somebody giving you advice is saying, and it's well-intentioned, and they're really trying to help.

• 14:36Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  And it's

• 14:37Chris Williamson?

  And even if it's the wrong thing, it's coming from a good place.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  They're saying, hey, my friend's in trouble and I want to get them out of trouble.

• 14:43Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  From an emotional standpoint, I think what your brain tells you is

• 14:49Chris Williamson?

  I'm not okay and my not okayness is making them not okay.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 14:54Chris Williamson?

  So they have to fix me. I can't be not okay because it's causing an impact over there. And even if, there's a great scene in The Kardashians. My friend Charlie did an analysis of, he compared Theo Von talking to Sean Strickland to the mother Kardashian talking to one of the daughter Kardashians. Sean Strickland's really, really struggling and Theo's response to him is, it's okay, man. We don't need to talk. We can just sit here for a while if you want. That's as close to saying, let's sit in the mud as.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  Let's sit in the mud, yeah.

• 15:24Chris Williamson?

  The Kardashian interaction was, I need you to get over this. Which was a denial in some ways of, well, it's not okay for you to not be okay. Your not okayness is making me not okay. So you need to subjugate how you're feeling in order to organize how I'm feeling. And, you know, varying degrees on that spectrum of trying to help people out. It makes it feel not valid, unsafe for you to have, I'm sad, but I can't be sad. Because if I'm sad, that makes other people sad.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, feeling guilty for being sad is not healthy. Now, if somebody gets stuck in something, that's different. That becomes clinical. You know, if you, if you remain depressed for too long, I mean, you know, depression is normal. Like, we all go through it at some points in various degrees. It's temporary, but if we get stuck in something, that's different, right? That's not what we're talking about, right?

• 16:23Speaker 01

  But people do, you know, we have to remember, we're both rational and emotional animals. We have our, our, our neocortex, which is our homo sapien brain, rational analytical thought, and we are, we are rational animals. We can think about things. We can weigh pros and cons. We can have opinions and points of view and we can look at facts and data. But that neocortex is not responsible for behavior or our emotions. And then you have that, that limbic brain, that sort of mammalian brain that's responsible for all of our feelings, all of our behavior. No ability for language. And because we have both, they don't always work well together. Right? And we often get the two confused and we forget that we are both, which is both

• 17:06Speaker 01

  an advantage, but it's also produces stress and paradoxes. And you have to meet emotions with emotions and facts with facts. And when somebody's in an emotional state, facts are not the things you want to bring to the table. That won't help. Convincing somebody why they shouldn't be upset. It, it, even if they're, even if you're rationally right. You know, like it's like, it's, it's, it's, you do with children, right? It's the same with children. Nothing changes, you know? Like a kid spills the milk, they start crying because they wanted the milk. Stop crying, we'll get more milk. Stop crying. You know, or they lose their teddy bear. It doesn't matter, we'll get another one. You know? Factually all true.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  Rationally all true. But that's not what we do. We say, oh, I know, I know you were looking forward to it. Or I, oh, it's horrible you lost it. Oh, don't worry about it. I'm here for you. We meet emotion with emotion. We know how to do it for children. We reinforce the fact that it's okay to have emotions. But for some reason, just because we get older, we think, oh, stop that. Right? And at the end of the day, if somebody is in an emotional state, you've got to meet emotion with emotion. But you can do the facts later. I'll give you a silly little example. A friend of mine was in a performance, she's a performer. And I went to see the show. It was easily the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  It was awful. And I, I could, I would, I wish I could have walked out. You know, it was awful. But I stayed and I was supportive. And at the end of the show, I waited in the lobby, you know, to, to meet the performers and see my friend. And she came out all excited. She's still in makeup and costume. And the first thing she says is, what'd you think? Now, I can't lie, right? I can't be like, it's amazing. Cause that would be a flat out lie, right? But at the same time, I also recognized that even though she knows I'm an honest broker, even though I know she wants my opinion. She's in an emotional state. She's jacked up on adrenaline. She just came off the stage. Now is not the time for rational. Now is the time to meet emotion with emotion. And by the way, she's not depressed or unhappy.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  She's just jacked up high, right? So I said, oh, my God, it was so amazing to see you on the stage. True. This is the first time I've ever seen you on the stage. What a treat to come and support you. True. And that was it. Oh, my God, thank you, thank you, thank you. And then she's off, you know? Two days later, we talked. The emotions have subsided. She's back in a rational state. I called her up and said, hey, you, you asked me what I thought. Do you want to know what I think? She goes, I actually do. I go, great. This sucked. This was awful. This, you know, was. And she's like, you're right, you're right, you're right. And we had a rational conversation about it. She took none of it personally. You know, if somebody comes off the stage and the first thing you said is like, I don't know. I think you can do better. Or, ugh, that script, ugh.

• 20:06Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  It's, it's just gonna hurt. It's just gonna hurt.

• 20:09Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  And we get it wrong all the time. And the lesson here is it's bigger than meet emotion with emotion, facts with facts. It's bigger than that. It's that, it's that it doesn't all have to be done in the moment. You can, you can, you can play with time, right? So if somebody is going through something, just sit in the mud with them, you know? As they're going through it. Yeah, boy, this sucks. Oof, yeah. This, I, I mean, I know what you're going through. Wow. Hmm. You must be really hurting. I am, right? Two days later, three days later, you're like, hey, I was thinking about what you're going through with your relationship, whatever it is. Can, can I offer some thoughts? I always ask permission.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Can I offer some, some thinking, some ideas? The, the words already give away that we're talking rational, right? They go, yeah, actually you can. But there you go. Same things I was gonna say two days ago. And so we don't have to solve everything in the moment just because we had the thought. And this is where empathy kicks in. Just because you're having the thought doesn't mean they're ready to hear it. And the whole idea is how do you be present for the person and give them the thing they need in the time that they need it? And that's being an empathetic human being. That's being situationally aware, right? As to sort of what am I playing with here? And if you're unsure, ask. Like I said, for the most part, people know what they need. And if they say they don't know, they're gonna say, I don't know. And then you say, well, why don't I try this? And you can tell me how it feels.

• 21:37Speaker 01

  I'm gonna, I'll offer some suggestions and if it doesn't feel right, I'll, I'll back off. Like it's, you can have these negotiations. And so the skills of human interaction, and this is just an annoying thing about being human, you know? Cats are naturally good at being cats. They don't have to study, they don't have to learn, they're just naturally good at it. Human beings are not naturally good at being human. We suck at it. And again, it's because of that neocortex. It's because we have the ability to overthink everything, right? You can lie, you can literally prevent yourself from sleeping because you are thinking about something that you cannot control until you wake up tomorrow. It's madness, right?

• 22:20Speaker 01

  But we have that magical ability to overthink everything. And so it's really hard to be human. And we actually have to learn and practice and read and watch things and ask people to get better at being human. And some people choose to be the best human beings they can be, and they go on that journey. By the way, you'll never be a great human being, you'll never be perfect, you'll just be varying degrees of good. Some of us choose to go on that journey for both reasons. It feels good, it makes me a better version of myself, I like who I am more now than I did before, and for others.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  I am a better friend, I'm a better partner, I'm a better son, I'm a better father, whatever it is, because I chose to go on this journey. And then it goes right back to what is a friend? Why do we need friends? What is a friend? And I'm thinking a lot about friendship these days. We know that a lot of people are struggling with friendships these days. I think men are struggling more than women. As I talk about this concept of friendship, women come up to me, but men come up to me like with much more sort of.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  They're hurting. And it doesn't matter how successful. It doesn't matter how old. I'm getting it from every age, every income bracket. In fact, the more successful ones are struggling the most. And, uh, but how can we talk about friendship? We know what a romantic partner is. We know what a relationship at work is. We have formal hierarchies. It helps us understand where we are in the pecking order. But what is a friend? Does every friend have to be a deep, meaningful relationship? No, clearly. Do you want every friend to just be superficial fun? No, don't want that either. Do we have to make every, every fun friend a deep meaning? Does every engagement? No, of course not. So what is a friend?

• 24:14Speaker 01

  You have to have a definition of something before you know you can build it. My definition of friend is the exact same definition I have for a romantic relationship, and it's the exact same definition I have for community. A friend is a, is a friendship is when two people agree to grow together. A relationship is when two people agree to grow together. A community is a group of people who agree to grow together. And what that means is I will take myself on. I know you're taking yourself on. I'm going to ask you to help me, and I'm going to be there to help you. And if we get this right, community, corporate culture, friendship, romantic relationship,

• 24:57Speaker 01

  if we get this right, whether we stay in this relationship for a short term or a long term, whether it is successful or not, whether we actually end up hating the relationship or hating the job, one thing we can say for sure is if we agree to this, we will come out of this better versions of ourselves than when we went in. And so the success or failure of a relationship is not the point. Clearly, we want relationships to succeed. But if they don't, you better have gotten something out of it. And it goes full circle back to where we started, which is if you're gonna go through shit, you might as well learn something. And if you start with that intention from the beginning, and you say to the person after you develop a relationship or rapport, you don't even, I mean, you don't have to say it,

• 25:42Speaker 01

  but it's nice to say things. I'm, I'm a great believer in putting it all on the table. I really like you. I feel like I'm growing because of you. You teach me things, you show me things, you hold me accountable when I screw up. I like that. Invariably, you're probably gonna get a response that says, you're doing the same for me, and I really appreciate it too. Or, well, I'm glad you like it. I don't get that from you. Like, you're gonna get information. But I think that the pursuit of friendship is to find someone who's willing to grow with you. Now, the big caveat is are you willing to grow yourself? Are you willing to grow yourself? And I think where people get stuck, when, and I've, and this is the saddest part.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  I hear people tell me, I have no close friends. They have friends they hang out with, people they have a good time with, go out, play video games with, whatever it is, you know? But they wouldn't call any of them to say I'm struggling. And so that's where the loneliness sets in. And there is some degree of accountability there, right? Where we can play the victim. And the vic, to be a victim means I am not accountable. Right? That's, that's what it is. It is being done to me, but I am not, I'm a passive player in this. Right? And even if that's true,

• 27:12Speaker 01

  you still have a role in this thing called your life. You're, you're the actor in this play. Right? You still have a role to play. And so even if things are being done to you, you, you, how you respond is you. Right?

• 27:29Speaker 01

  How you respond to conflict is you. You can choose to just disengage. I've seen that happen professionally. I've seen it happen personally. Something goes haywire, whether they deserve it or not. And they choose to just disengage. Well, screw this. As opposed to learning how to have a confrontation.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  Which doesn't mean coming and screaming and yelling and pointing. It means in coming saying, I am struggling. There is a story that I'm telling myself. I don't know if it's true or not, but can I tell you my story?

• 28:06Speaker 01

  And there's a great irony in it when you have a confrontation like that, which is your job is to help, is to help the other person feel safe, even though you feel that they're the oppressor.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  Okay, let's unpack that.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Dia Khan, who is a BAFTA winning, I think she's an Emmy winning as well, a documentarian,

• 28:35Speaker 01

  grew up, she's a Muslim woman living in the UK. She made some comments on the BBC that went viral about multicultural society. And she started getting trolled by the far right, by the whites, by white supremacists.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  It got so bad that the police advised her to stay away from open windows.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  The way that Dia responded was to move to the United States and try to get to know white supremacists. She was at Charlottesville, walking with them, not marching with them, but walking with them, big difference.

• 29:12Speaker 01

  And she offered them a safe space to feel heard. Now, this sounds insane, right? They should be giving her a safe space to feel heard. Yeah, but that's never gonna happen. And that's part of the problem. And I talked to Dia after George Floyd, I talked to her after January 6th, I talked to her after all of these sort of big events. And she said to me, you're not gonna like my answer, but in all the research that she's done with jihadis and white supremacists and all of it, in every circumstance, she says, the victim has to go first.

• 29:47Speaker 01

  Because the quote unquote oppressor will never go first. They will never do it. And so what she did, and she made a documentary called White Right: Meeting the Enemy. You can go watch it happen, you can see it. She doesn't agree with them, she doesn't affirm their beliefs, but she offers them a safe space to feel heard. And then, over the course of time, something happens. You see the transformation. They can no longer reconcile their racist points of view with the fact that they now trust this woman and consider her a friend. And one by one, they drop out of the movement. And so if there is a boss who is a bad boss, or a friend who's a bad friend, or a partner who's a bad partner, you can play the victim. And you can wait and wait and wait for them to do the right thing,

• 30:32Speaker 01

  which should they? Yeah, they should. Yeah, it's your boss. They should know better. They should be the one that comes and says, hey, it's not working out. Let's, can we have a conversation? All this tension. I'd like to lean into the tension. You're with a partner. I'd like to lean. We've been tense for the past three weeks. I'd like to lean into it. Yeah, yeah, they should. They won't. Either because they don't care. They don't know. They don't have the skills. They're embarrassed. They're afraid. Who knows what the reasons are? Only a few times it's because they hate you and they want to hurt you. Most of the times it's obliviousness, fear, lack of skills. And so, yeah, you're the one who has to go. And this is where the accountability comes in. You're gonna have to walk in and be like, hey, here's the story I'm telling myself. I feel like you hate me.

• 31:17Speaker 01

  You don't say, you hate me. That's an accusation. I feel, I feel like you hate me. And there's a few things. And maybe I'm looking for the evidence because I'm really sensitive right now. But let me tell you the three things that make me feel like you hate me. And I want to put it on the table because I don't want to hate you. And I don't want us to fail. And I don't know how to have this conversation, but I want to put it on the table. That is a human skill. And those are the skills we're lacking. Those are the skills we're lacking. And the, the, the, the only reason to want to learn those skills is because we take accountability for the people that we are. I can't control anything in this world.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  I can't control how people treat me. I can't control world, world events. I can't control politics. I can't control natural disasters. I have zero control over any of that. So I can sit around and wait for the world to look after me. And sometimes I'll get lucky and sometimes I'll get unlucky. You know, things have gone my way by no talent of my own. And things have gone badly, no matter how much I tried.

• 32:30Chris Williamson?

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• 33:15Chris Williamson?

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• 33:40Speaker 01

  So, part of not being a victim, there's the flip side as well, is you can't take full responsibility when things go right either. You can't mix your logics, right? I love talking to like, finance people. I love talking to bankers, because when they make tons of money, they'll tell you it's because they're geniuses. And if they lose tons of money, they'll tell you it's because of the market conditions. You can't mix your logics. You're either lucky and unlucky, or you're a genius and an idiot. But you can't mix the logics. And the same goes with ourselves. I can't take all the credit when things go right, if I won't take some responsibility when things go wrong. I can either choose

• 34:22Speaker 01

  to say all my success is dumb luck and all of my failures are bad luck, or I can say I work hard and I'm an idiot.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  Right? I can't mix the logics.

• 34:36Speaker 01

  You can pick which logic you want, I don't care.

• 34:41Speaker 01

  But you can't mix them. And I think this is part of what we're saying, which is I can choose to go through life, lucky or unlucky. It's a mode. You can choose to just waff through life, you know, it's not a criticism. Or you can choose to say, no, no, no, I take responsibility that I in some way, shape or form contribute to the situation that I'm in and the feelings that I have. And even though I may not have been able to control the circumstances, I can control my reaction to those circumstances. Did I go off the handle? Did I attack somebody personally? Did I attack them versus their behavior? We do that. That one is the easiest one to fix and the most common one we'd make, the common mistake we make. You're a liar versus you told me a lie. You attack someone's character,

• 35:24Speaker 01

  watch how they respond. They will come back with ferocity. If you say you told me a lie,

• 35:31Speaker 01

  you can actually have a conversation about that. It's a behavior.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  You're a cheat. You cheated.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  I am not a cheat, but I did, I did cheat. Like, it's not my character. Remember, everybody thinks they're good.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  And this is, this is, this is the thing that I think people get wrong all the time, which is really funny. Just to have these little awarenesses. I'll give you a great example. So

• 36:00Speaker 01

  do you remember the movie Inglourious Basterds? I never watched it. Oh, it's one of the greatest films ever made. I mean, I cannot recommend it enough. Christoph Waltz, who plays the Nazi, he plays the main Nazi, it put him on the map. He was this obscure Austrian actor, and then this movie made him an international star. I think he won an Oscar for it, actually.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  He's brilliant in it.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  He's chillingly brilliant. How good he is in this Nazi role, right? And he's relaxed and he's got a sense of humor. He doesn't play this caricature of evil. You know, that's one of the reasons he's so chilling. He's so good at it. So he was on a talk show when he was promoting the movie. And the host asks him, what did you have to do as an actor? To play evil so effectively? And he's, you literally look, he's got this look of total confusion on his face. He doesn't understand the question. He goes, what? And the host says again, you were so good. What did you have to source yourself from to play evil?

• 37:09Speaker 01

  You were so scary. And he looks at the host and goes, he wasn't evil. And this is why he was so good at his role, because what he understood is no one thinks they're evil. Everyone thinks they're on the side of good. Everyone thinks they're on the side of good. And we look at our political discourse these days, it's fricking hilarious. Everybody's accusing each other of being evil and bad. But both sides, if you talk to them, actually think that they're trying to do good. Both sides are on the side of good. And if you just remember that, that people think they're on the side of good. Now, they may be misdirected and all of those things are still true. But everybody thinks they're on the side of good. If you just start with that basic knowledge. How we interact is very different.

• 37:51Speaker 01

  Where we no longer seek to criticize because you're evil, that's my judgment. But I seek to understand where you're sourcing that good from. And curiosity is a great way to interact with human beings with whom we disagree.

• 38:08Chris Williamson?

  Isn't it interesting that we are better at giving advice to other people than we are to ourselves? You know, a little bit of time spent refining our, are we in the advice giving mode or are we in the listening mode?

• 38:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:23Chris Williamson?

  Learning to have a mindfulness gap and being able to sit with silence and all of this sort of stuff. That is a skill that I think most people can develop really well for a friend.

• 38:34Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 38:34Chris Williamson?

  That is a skill that I think most people will really struggle to develop for themselves.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's true too.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  And you make a good point, which is,

• 38:46Speaker 01

  are you a good friend to yourself?

• 38:49Speaker 01

  My friend Rick, who's sort of this remarkable entrepreneur monk, not literally, but he's just one of the coolest sort of advice givers I know. I was talking to him about loneliness and I asked him point blank, do you ever get lonely? Do you ever feel lonely? And he smiled and said, no, I'm always with myself.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  He's cultivated such a beautiful relationship with himself that he allows himself to have all the things, all the feels.

• 39:19Chris Williamson?

  Do you know Dry Creek Dwayne? Do you know who that is? He's a rancher and wrangler from Wyoming. Big beard, permanently affixed with a cigar between his fingers. And I had him on the show, we were on the back end of last year and we were talking about something not too dissimilar. And he said, I like me. I'd buy me a beer.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:40Chris Williamson?

  It's just such a simple way.

• 39:41Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 39:41Chris Williamson?

  To put across, I'd buy me a beer. And it took a long time, you know, he's in his 60s now.

• 39:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:48Chris Williamson?

  And it took him a long time to cultivate in himself the sort of person he would want to be friends with.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:55Chris Williamson?

  And if you're the kind of person who regularly makes promises and doesn't keep them to you.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:00Chris Williamson?

  If you're the sort of person who places the opinions of others over the opinion of yourself,

• 40:06Chris Williamson?

  you're an untrustworthy ally.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  You're a bad friend.

• 40:09Chris Williamson?

  To yourself.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  You're a bad friend.

• 40:10Chris Williamson?

  Yes, yes.

• 40:11Speaker 01

  You're a bad friend.

• 40:12Chris Williamson?

  You're a bad self friend.

• 40:13Speaker 01

  You're a bad friend. And I love that. If we say, this is a beautiful, let's, let's take that definition of self. You know, let's, let's add it to my definitions of two people who agree to grow together. I am one person who agrees to, to grow with myself. You know? I think that is beautiful.

• 40:27Chris Williamson?

  Well, do I think that I'm helping me?

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Do I think that I'm helping me? And, and grace is something that we don't talk about. To give yourself grace, you know? That it's okay to have, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be lonely. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to have any feeling that you're having. You know, that just, it just allow feelings to happen. Like things happen in the world, we have emotional responses. It's okay. Like you only have to really ask for help or think you're unhealthy. If you get stuck in one of those feelings for too long. But if you're generally having feelings, and here's the best one, I learned this during lockdown, you can actually have two conflicting feelings simultaneously, simultaneously.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  So for example, when like I can't get out of my entrepreneurial self, like it's in me, it's in my DNA. And you know, as an entrepreneur and as a creative person, my happy place is chaos. Cause creativity is finding order in chaos. And in order for me to be creative, I gotta have a little chaos, whether it's imposed upon me or I stir the pot myself, right? So when we went into lockdown and it destroyed my business, I mean, it blew it up. I was having a blast. I was having so much fun. Lots of problems to face. Oh my God, I had to reinvent the whole business from scratch. I mean, literally, I was like, I was, and I was very embarrassed because there was death and there was uncertainty and there was pain all around me. It's thrilling.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  And, and I kept it to myself because I, how, but at the same time, I realized I can have two feelings. I can be sad and I can mourn and I can have fun simultaneously, simultaneously. And so I think sometimes we get embarrassed when we feel that we're having a, like, if I'm like, right now, like, life's great. And my friend is really struggling. I'm embarrassed that I'm good when they're bad. No, I can be empathetic and be like, sit in the mud with them and be like, this is awful. Oh my God. And if they say, how are you? I'm like, I'm great. I don't have to say, well, you know, it's okay. Like, we can, we can have both.

• 42:36Speaker 01

  I can be upset about the world, I can be frustrated and uncertain, and I can be excited and clear, all at the same time. And I, and I think that's what we forget, which is as emotional animals,

• 42:49Speaker 01

  the one thing that we can all agree on about emotions is they're messy.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Sometimes they fire at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we have an emotion that doesn't quite match the situation. Sometimes we overdo it, sometimes we underdo it. Multiple emotions simultaneously, like, human beings are messy. That's part of what makes life fun. Like, it's like somebody just gave you a big ball of twisted up string and said, okay, the job for your life is to do your best job untangling this. And people who go through life and just allow life to happen to them, they just walk around holding the ball of string going, I don't even know where to start. This is too difficult. This is a twisted knot. This is a mess. What do you want me to do with this? This is unusable. Ugh. Or there are some people who are like, all right, well, this is a frickin' mess, but I'll start somewhere. This looks like it has promise. Oh, it didn't.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  All right, I'll try something else. And they're just spending their life trying to untangle the ball of string. And if you just get a little bit of it untangled, not only does it give you confidence that you can get more entangled, but you serve as an inspiration to your friend. Wow, you really are a different version of when I met you a bunch of years ago.

• 43:54Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  That's because I'm busy working on this tangled ball of string. I can help you with yours. It's probably not the same as mine, but I can choose some of the things I tried and maybe they'll work for you.

• 44:04Chris Williamson?

  Let's have a look.

• 44:04Speaker 01

  Let's have a look.

• 44:05Chris Williamson?

  I wanted to

• 44:08Chris Williamson?

  give you, read an essay that I wrote last week.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 44:13Chris Williamson?

  That I thought might be interesting to you. And it relates to something we've been talking about so far.

• 44:18Chris Williamson?

  Lots of people that consume work like yours, listen to shows like this.

• 44:22Chris Williamson?

  Many of them would identify something like an insecure overachiever. I think somebody that's very introspective, they ruminate, they like to improve themselves, they're growth minded, they're upward aiming. And I think they sometimes focus on working hard. The, almost a Puritan work ethic would be the way that they, they approach life. So there's a famous Viktor Frankl quote, when a man can't find a deep sense of meaning, they distract themselves with pleasure. Frankl is arguing that a lack of meaning causes people to seek temporary relief in superficial pursuits rather than addressing the underlying existential void. Perhaps for many, maybe even most people, this is a big issue.

• 45:04Chris Williamson?

  But there is another group who suffer with the opposite problem, Frankl's inverse law. When a man can't find a deep sense of pleasure, they distract themselves with meaning. If ease, grace, joy and playfulness don't come easily to you, one solution is to just ignore moment to moment happiness entirely and always pursue hard things. You become a world champion at winning the marshmallow test. You convince yourself that delayed gratification in perpetuity is noble because you struggle to ever feel grateful. TLDR, you prioritize meaning over happiness because happiness doesn't come easily to you. As my friend Bill Perkins says, delayed gratification in the extreme results in no gratification. Or Alan Watts, if we are unduly absorbed in improving our lives, we may forget altogether to live them.

• 45:48Chris Williamson?

  Everyone is taught that on the other side of discomfort is something valuable. We're told that worthwhile things are difficult to attain because if they weren't difficult to attain, they wouldn't be worthwhile. This is how non-valuable but difficult things get slipped into our desires without us noticing. Some people are hyper responders to this instruction and go on to become workaholics and insecure overachievers. From the outside, this looks like you've transcended the shallow need for pleasure. But in reality, it's just cope to avoid facing the fact that you struggle to feel joy. So instead, you perpetually promise yourself that happiness might finally come tomorrow. But like running toward the horizon, tomorrow never arrives. Congratulations, you've managed to subjugate your joy as a tribute to your work. Do not confuse humorless and fun lacking seriousness with being sophisticated and caring about your pursuit.

• 46:34Chris Williamson?

  Thoreau says, "The price of anything is the amount of life that you exchange for it." And by this logic, many of us are paying into a bank account that we never withdraw from. I think with this

• 46:45Chris Williamson?

  Olympic champion, the LeBron James of winning the marshmallow test, I wonder how many people are bypassing more simple day to day joy because it feels originally it was hard for them to access. And now it feels flimsy, unsophisticated. This is, I should be aiming for something higher than this. And I wonder how many people can be fulfilled with much simpler pleasures than the ones that they're pursuing delayed gratification to try and achieve.

• 47:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's very well said and very well written.

• 47:21Speaker 01

  Look, I think that both are true, right? At the, at the end of the day, and you and I were talking about this off, off camera before we started, which is

• 47:34Speaker 01

  there's a paradox to being human.

• 47:38Speaker 01

  Which is, and this is where Maslow and his hierarchy of needs, Maslow got it wrong. And it speaks to what you're speaking about, right? Maslow's hierarchy of needs, people, you know, the basic level of the triangle of the pyramid is food and shelter, that we need food and shelter first. The third level up is relationships, and then the top is self-actualization. Right? But he's wrong. Because Maslow made the classic mistake, which is he forgot that there's a paradox of being human, which is every moment of every day, we are both individuals and members of groups, every day. And every day, we're confronted with small or big choices. Do I put myself first at the sacrifice of the group? Or do I put the group first at the sacrifice of myself? And we can debate which one you're supposed to do. And the answer is you're both right and you're both wrong.

• 48:22Speaker 01

  It's a paradox. Because we have to be ourselves and pursue our own purpose. But we're also supposed to be social animals and contribute to the society, the family, the team that we're a part of. Go. And you're saying the same thing here, which is, and this is where Maslow got it wrong. He only thought about us as individuals. Right? As an individual on a desert island, you're right, food and shelter comes first. You know, relationships, I'll deal with that later. But can you imagine living a whole life for self-actualization? How lonely. What about shared actualization? I've never heard of anybody dying because they were hun- uh, I've never heard of anybody dying by suicide because they were hungry. I've heard of people dying by suicide because they were lonely. So that means relationships, as a member of a group, is more important than food and shelter.

• 49:05Speaker 01

  If you consider us members of groups, not just individuals. And it's both. And I think you're saying the same thing here. It's not a debate of do I put happiness ahead of purpose or purpose ahead of happiness? The answer is it's both. And it's messy and sometimes competitive. But there's entire camps, you know, you have the, on the extreme, the hedonists that say, no, happiness in the moment, purpose be damned, we're all gonna die. And on the other end, you'd be like, no, no, longevity, purpose, what's it all mean at the expense? And the answer is yes and. It's both. And I think this is where we've made this mistake, and we keep doing this in our lives. We make, uh, we make complex arguments binary, and then we choose one.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  And we attempt to build lives around one pillar, when the reality is it's both. And sometimes it'll be in balance and sometimes it'll be out of balance. And I think to let go and you're, I think the way you construct it is, is, is, is right. You have the insecure high performer, but you also have the insecure low performer. Right? And the question is, okay. So what does the secure high performer look like? And I would argue that the secure high performer is not following the game plan that these people are following of grow, grow, grow, retreat, retreat, retreats. You know, off to Costa Rica again, you know? Read every book, do every practice, take every supplement, you know?

• 50:32Speaker 01

  Wake up at five o'clock in the morning, cold plunge, cold plunge. Right? You talk to the happiest people in the world. They do some of that. They don't do all of it. They all have great relationships. And so I wish people would pay as much attention to how they show up for their friends as they do to which supplements they take, how many hours of sleep they're getting, whether they're cold plunging or not, or what their exercise regime is. I wish they would pay that much attention to the kind of friend they are, to the kind of partner they are. That would find balance, even like the blue zones. Like everybody's obsessed with like, look at their diet, look, they walk every day. They also convene and eat with their friends every single day.

• 51:14Speaker 01

  And they have senses of humor and they're okay with being underachievers. Right? Like, and I think, and I think you're right. You, you talked about gratitude. Gratitude is a big part of it. Right? Which is to just be grateful for what you have. Like what if you, everybody's chasing some sort of finish line. But what if you just today, just made the decision? Cause they're all decisions. I've already won. I've already won.

• 51:50Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 51:52Speaker 01

  I'm alive. I've got one good friend.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  I've got one. I'm sure everyone else can find something in our lives that we like.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  I got a great score on my video game yesterday. Really happy about that. Like, it can be something stupid and mundane, but something that you're a little bit proud of, even if it's a little bit embarrassing. Like, I like that pair of jeans, right? I went on a good date. Whatever it is, right? Things are okay. And this idea of already thinking of yourself as having won the game and the rest of life is simply, it's all after the finish line. It's anything you want to do after the finish line. Go have, go have a good time.

• 52:35Speaker 01

  And somebody gave me that advice. My friend Rick. He said, what if you just decided you won already? And I was like, oh, my God. Everything's great, you know?

• 52:47Chris Williamson?

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• 53:31Chris Williamson?

  So you can go to the link in the description below or head to functionhealth.com/moderndwism. That's functionhealth.com/moderndwism.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  This idea of what does it mean to be a success? I went through this recently where I think one of the reasons I tend to find peace in things is I'm not competing with anybody else but myself. There's always somebody smarter, there's always somebody who's sold more books. You know, it's always something like you read that statement and I sat here and went, wow, that is beautiful. Wow, that is great. That is, and didn't think, oh, I should have come up with that. Oh, my God, he said it better than me. Ugh, I have to be the one that comes with this. No, that was frickin gorgeous. Thank you for sharing. Wow, right? Like, but by thinking of myself, I have already won.

• 54:28Speaker 01

  I'm not in competition with you in what you've written. If I think that I haven't won yet, then I sit here and seethe, maybe get competitive. And so I had this, I had a, it was a disagreement with somebody recently where our team missed a goal pretty significantly. It's okay, right? Like, I think goals are important, like mile markers are important, but they're not the end all be all. It's not the end of the game. It's just measurement of speed and distance. And we had a five-year plan. We missed the first year goal. So we're off plan now, right? And so one of my colleagues wanted to change the second year goal, make it lower. I said, well, why would we change? Why would we do that?

• 55:12Speaker 01

  Well, she said, because we're not going to hit the second year goal. I'm like, I know, because we missed the first year goal. But if we, if we change the second year goal, that, that means you're changing the whole five-year goal just because we missed year one? How about we just work harder, be more creative, find new ways? And maybe we'll miss the second year goal, but man, we can keep trying. No, we're not changing the goal. Why would you want to change it? And she said, because I don't like to fail and I know you don't either. And that's when I realized she's wrong. I'm totally fine being a failure. In fact, I came to the realization that most of my life is a failure. And what I mean by that is, is my desires and my ambitions are greater than my talents or my achievements.

• 55:55Speaker 01

  Like, I want to do things in the world that I don't know how to do them. The reality is, I'm probably not going to do them. And the things that I've accomplished, like, they're, they're coming close to what I want to achieve, but I haven't gotten there, and I may not. And a couple of things have gone well that I planned, but most of the things fell short. And so I've been very comfortable being a failure, meaning I'm comfortable falling short of big goals. And I would rather fall short of a big goal and consider myself a failure than lower the goals to the level which I can accomplish all of them, just so I can feel like I'm a success.

• 56:35Chris Williamson?

  Hmm.

• 56:36Speaker 01

  And it's less about the goal setting, and it's more about the mindset of being okay being the failure. Because what it does is it frees you to imagine bigger, take risks like you never imagined you could before, because failure is not the thing you're afraid of. You know, that entrepreneurial mindset, anybody who starts a business is an idiot. You have an over 90% chance of failure. Why would you do that? Because their vision is bigger, their ambition is bigger than their skills or their accomplishments. And if you're okay with that, you actually have a good time.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  And so I've been through it, where I'm depressed when I realize I haven't achieved something, and I feel like a failure. And I feel like a failure. And now I'm just cool with it. And like...

• 57:39Speaker 01

  And it's not false modesty, or it's a hack. It's a mental little trick. Like even like we trying something new at work. And I said to the team, this could be a wild success or a total failure. I don't know, but let's have a blast and find out which one. Now you and I sitting listening to this going, well, that seems like a pretty good mentality for the success side. Having fun? Yeah. Low stress. And by the way, it absolutely might fail. But the team is like, all right, well, it's on us. And we're all taking a bet on ourselves. Not each other, like, well, and each other. But like, the point is, is we all see ourselves as contributors. And it goes back to right back to what we're saying before, which is, do you want to be

• 58:24Speaker 01

  a victim and wait things to happen? Or do you want to be a contributor? And if it fails, you'll be like, oh, we screwed that up. And I think so much of this is mindset. So much of this is mindset. I just watched the thing yesterday. So funny how things show up at the right time, right? I just watched a thing yesterday where a guy compared the top five tennis players. Do you know about this? Compared the top five tennis players from the top 25 tennis players. So what makes the top five so much better than all the others? And he goes through the list. Is it their diet? Is it their coaching? Is it their work ethic? No, no, they all have that, right?

• 59:09Speaker 01

  And he literally goes through all the lists of what it could be. And it's none of those things. The one thing that the top five have that the others don't is is that when they score a point, they go, that's fun. I love this. I love this game. I love this game. When they miss a point, they go like, oh, I missed that one. But wait till you see what I do in the next one. And there's sort of a joy and love of what they're doing. And a success or failure, their mindset in the moment. And what he found is that when they have that sort of joy, oh, I love this game when it goes well. Don't worry, you'll get the next one. Their heart rate goes down. And if you keep adding all up those little,

• 59:54Speaker 01

  so when your heart rate goes down, you have more, you preserve energy, you're more relaxed. For one point or two points, it means nothing. But if you now go to the end of the match, all those little things you've now stored up, you have way more energy at the end and you're way more relaxed to play each point. And that's life. I think it's a great metaphor, which is all of this is infinite. It's all 1% better. It's all the British cycling team that James Clear writes about. You know, that just this stupid little thing, but that by itself means nothing. And I'll give you an example, right? Go back to relationships. Like, how do you find love? Like, how do you, how do you get someone to love you? Do you buy them flowers on Valentine's Day and make sure to get them a cake on their birthday?

• 1:00:38Speaker 01

  Sure, those things are nice. Won't make them love you. It's the millions of innocuous little things that by themselves do nothing, that when you wake up in the morning, you say good morning before you check your phone. That when you go to the fridge to get a drink, you're like, hey, babe, you want a drink? And you bring them one. Or you write them a little card for no reason than to say, hey, I wrote this card just to tell you thank you. I'm glad you're in my life. By themselves, each one of those things does very, very little. But if you add them up over time, someone will fall in love with you. And the same thing will happen to you. And this is the great thing about love is you never know when it happens. It's not like if you do these things on this date, at this time, love is the reaction.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  You just, I don't know. It happens at some point. Nobody ever sees it coming. Now treat joy and life that way. There's no date. There's no back plan. You have to trust. It's like exercise, right? Which if you say, Simon, I want to get into shape. Can you teach me how? I'm like, absolutely, I can. I want you to work out every single day for 20 minutes. You're gonna have to do upper body, lower body, core. You're gonna do all these. Well, where should I start? Yes, doesn't matter. Pick one, whatever one you want to do. But eventually you're gonna have to do them all and you have to work out every day for 20 minutes. Well, can I take a day off because I'm tired? Yes. How many days can I take off? I don't know, but not too many.

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  100% of the time,

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  you will get into shape. Everybody will.

• 1:02:11Speaker 01

  Some people a little sooner, some people a little later. Simon, what's the date and time that I will be in shape? I don't know, and neither does any doctor, but you trust the process. We all know that that 20 minutes every day, 100% of people will have 100% success. How many things in life can you say that about? Well, I think that living our lives and finding joy is exactly the same. Which is if you can trust the process of little things, that the big retreat and the big this and the big that and the moving across the country, those things are good. Those things are helpful. That's called intensity. Like going to the dentist twice a year is intensity. But if that's all you do, all your teeth will fall out. It's the consistency of brushing your teeth every day.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  That even though brushing your teeth once does nothing, if you do it every single day, it works. And so, yes, go on the retreats, have fun, but those aren't the things.

• 1:03:06Speaker 01

  It's the consistency. And I think that's where we miss out.

• 1:03:09Chris Williamson?

  The original name for this podcast, when I was brainstorming, was Crushing a Tuesday. Glad that I went with modern wisdom. But Crushing a Tuesday is an idea from Tim. And he says, "Your life is made up of ordinary Tuesdays. So your goal should be to construct your life in a manner that an ordinary Tuesday gets crushed. That you do well, that it moves you in the right direction, that you enjoy it, that it's positively rewarding." It's like, ah, what a cool idea. That life is made up of very normal Tuesdays.

• 1:03:37Speaker 01

  I don't know the concept that he talks about, but the way you've described it, I would actually push back a little bit.

• 1:03:43Chris Williamson?

  Why?

• 1:03:45Speaker 01

  What if you don't crush the Tuesday? What if you sit and watch TV all day and get nothing done? Are you a failure? Have you not crushed Tuesday? Should you be depressed and do double effort on Wednesday?

• 1:04:01Speaker 01

  Or maybe watching TV all day and being a vegetable is crushing Tuesday.

• 1:04:08Chris Williamson?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:09Speaker 01

  So that's the problem with words like crushing Tuesday, which is it it it doubles down on achievement. It doubles down on productivity. And I I learned this.

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  I I this goes back many years and I would wake up on a Sunday, wake up, you know, pretty early. Just that's when I woke up. And then I would sit in bed and do I have no idea what until noon. And the guilt and then somebody be like, what? You know, I'd see somebody in the afternoon, like, so what? How's your day? What'd you do today? Cause it's three o'clock in the afternoon, right? And I'd be like, uh, and I had this tremendous shame that I sat in bed until noon.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  And this went on for a while and I thought myself lazy. And I would do stupid stuff. Yeah, I'd read the newspaper a little bit, but I'd play games. Maybe go get a cup of coffee, come back into bed, you know? And then I realized it's my Sunday. I can do whatever the hell I want with my Sunday. I love sitting in bed till noon on a Sunday. And if somebody's like, what'd you do today? I'm like, I sat in bed till noon. What'd you do? Don't remember, don't know, couldn't tell you nothing worthwhile.

• 1:05:19Speaker 01

  And it's just what gave me what? What gave me the relaxation and recharge my batteries was not sitting in bed until noon. What gave me relaxation and recharge my batteries was liking that I sat in bed.

• 1:05:33Chris Williamson?

  Not being intention against it. Yeah, well, that's crushing a Sunday, you know?

• 1:05:38Speaker 01

  Again, but this is the problem with our vernacular in the modern day, which are these words remind us crush. These are achievement words.

• 1:05:47Chris Williamson?

  Grind hustle.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  Grind hustle. Yeah. And that's the problem. The words matter. How about love a Tuesday?

• 1:05:53Chris Williamson?

  Winning a Tuesday.

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:05:55Chris Williamson?

  No?

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:05:56Chris Williamson?

  Loving a Tuesday.

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  Enjoy a Tuesday. Love a Tuesday. Have a Tuesday. You know? Survive Tuesday. Get through Tuesday. Right? Like winning, like all of these binary win, loss, crush, fail. You know, there that's the problem is the binary. We're going right back to that problem again of those those constructions that you talked about in your eloquent essay. It's not binary. It's messy.

• 1:06:29Chris Williamson?

  I wanted to just loop back a little there to

• 1:06:34Chris Williamson?

  people's sense of confidence in their own word. You mentioned before, we're often able to give advice to other people that we struggle to give to ourselves. We are able to show up, be sympathetic, empathetic, understanding, patient for other people in a manner that we can't to us.

• 1:06:51Chris Williamson?

  I'm interested in how we can learn to be more at ease with these slower days. How to give ourselves a little bit of a break when we know that you you probably do need to have a Sunday when you stay in bed for a little while. There is this Puritan work ethic guilt.

• 1:07:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:09Chris Williamson?

  That comes through for the people who are perennial hard chargers.

• 1:07:14Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:07:15Chris Williamson?

  How do you advise them to just relinquish a little?

• 1:07:20Speaker 01

  I think of everything in terms of cost, right? And like, I always say, what's the cost of this? Always.

• 1:07:30Speaker 01

  So what is the cost of being a high achiever? What is the cost of working constantly? What is the cost of putting all that pressure on yourself? Just weigh the cost. My relationships struggle. I beat myself up. Sometimes I can't sleep because my brain doesn't shut off. Just like be really honest about the costs of all of that. I don't know how to relax. Okay, that's the cost. Now, maybe you've earned some of it to go the other way. So maybe you've earned the right to lie in bed till noon just because. And if you need to make it an equation, I earned this. You use the analogy of deposits and withdrawals. Like you've made so many deposits, you can draw, you can withdraw, you can withdraw a little me time.

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  You've earned this, right? It's like, it's like, think of it if you were a leader and one of your teammates.

• 1:08:26Speaker 01

  Works all weekend voluntarily to get a project done on time. Right? You're gonna say, "Thank you." You're gonna be like, "Great job. We couldn't have done this without you." And then you're gonna say, if you're a good leader,

• 1:08:35Chris Williamson?

  "Take Monday off."

• 1:08:36Speaker 01

  "Why don't you take Monday or Tuesday off to get your weekend back? You've earned it. I'm not asking you to make, to pay a cost that I'm not willing to compensate you for. You gave me two days, I'll give you two days. It may not be consecutively, but I'll give you back your weekend. Thank you." That gesture will make somebody feel seen and heard, and they will give you many weekends, knowing that you're willing to keep the equation balanced. If you never give them their time back, and now they're just working seven days a week, they will either burn out, or they will quit. So if we know that another person will burn out or quit if they maintain that pace without grace,

• 1:09:17Speaker 01

  then how come, and it goes right back to yourself, managing yourself, lead yourself? You gotta give yourself that time off, because that's, that's the deal you make. If you're the friend to yourself, and if you lead yourself, that's what you do for somebody else. That's what you do. "Well, I'm not other people, and I have..." No, you are. You might have a little more grit than somebody else, but you don't have endless amounts of it.

• 1:09:41Chris Williamson?

  Before we continue, you've probably heard me talk about Element before, and that's because I'm frankly dependent on it. For the last three years, I've started every morning with Element. Element contains a science-backed electrolyte ratio of sodium, potassium, and magnesium with no sugar, no gluten, or artificial ingredients, or any other BS. It plays a huge role in reducing muscle cramps and fatigue, while optimizing brain health, regulating appetite, and curbing cravings. That's why it's used by everyone, from Dr. Andrew Huberman to Dr. Mike Isratel, Olympic athletes, and FBI sniper teams, and me. This orange flavor in a cold glass of water tastes like a beautiful, salty, sweet, orangey nectar, and there's a no questions asked refund policy, and you don't even need to return the box if you don't like it. That's how confident they are that you love it.

• 1:10:26Chris Williamson?

  Plus, they offer free shipping in the US, and you can get a free sample pack of all eight flavors with your first purchase by going to the link in the description below, or heading to drinklmnt.com/ModernWisdom. That's drinklmnt.com/ModernWisdom. When it comes to the purpose and meaning point... How do you advise people to manage the transition? If a why that previously motivated them and fulfilled them starts to fall away? You mentioned yourself, there's this sort of sense of shame, guilt, of concern.

• 1:11:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:00Chris Williamson?

  A wistfulness, I would imagine. This used to be my thing.

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:05Chris Williamson?

  And now you're telling me that the thing that gave me loads of positive reinforcement isn't my thing anymore.

• 1:11:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:11Chris Williamson?

  And I have to go and find a new thing? That sounds pretty terrifying. So how do people who have lost fulfillment in their why cope with that transition?

• 1:11:21Speaker 01

  Very simple answer, that was never their why to begin with. People confuse goals with purpose. It happens all the time. You see it in company vision statements, to be the best. That's not a vision, that's a goal. By the way, based on what metric that you chose? Right? So sometimes we have goals that drive us and they're exciting. But then what? And you see this very often with high achievers. So let's take extreme examples, right? Olympic athletes. It's just an extreme example. They're very goal oriented and they've confused their goal with their purpose. My purpose is to win the Olympics. I love how they say that, I'm gonna win the Olympics. Nobody wins the Olympics. That actually is not a, it's not a, you can't, there's no medal for winning the Olympics. Right? But that's how they all talk, we're gonna win the Olympics. Right?

• 1:12:08Speaker 01

  And all of their lives are completely architected around this goal. All of their relationships, are you useful? All of their sacrifices, I miss Thanksgiving, I miss birthdays, I missed all of these things because I'm disciplined. And let's say they achieve it. Let's, let's give them the success. They win a gold medal in the Olympics. And now they're too old to compete. The bodies are broken, whatever it is. Now what? Now what? And what you find, like Andre Agassi becomes the most storied tennis player in all time. What happens right after he retires? Depression. Michael Phelps becomes the most meddled Olympian in history. What happens right after he retires? Depression.

• 1:12:52Speaker 01

  You know, uh, my friend who, her entire goal of her entire life from Fargo, North Dakota, was to be on Broadway and become a New York City Rockette. She achieved both those things. She became a New York City Rockette and she became a performer on Broadway. What happened right afterwards when she retired? Depression. We've confused a goal with purpose. A goal is one of the ways, even if it's extreme, one of the ways in which we are looking to advance our purpose, but a purpose is immutable. A purpose does not change. Your purpose is fully formed by the time you're in your mid to late teens. Who you are is fully formed by the time you're in your mid to late teens and the rest of your life is looking for opportunities to bring that, that cause to life.

• 1:13:36Speaker 01

  Right? Very common and particularly in high achievers. And they confuse their jobs with their purpose, with their identity. Right? So you see they, these high flyers who literally are afraid of not working because who am I if I'm not doing this thing? And they've forgotten that the thing you're doing is just one of the ways you can bring your purpose to life. So, so my why, my purpose is not to write books. My why is not to achieve some goal, some TED talk of which I have no control. My why is to inspire people to do the things that inspire them. That's why I get out of bed in the morning.

• 1:14:21Speaker 01

  That is permanent for the rest of my life till the day I die. Now, what are the opportunities that I can do that? Some of them big, some of them small, some of them risky, some of them not. And I can have goals that motivate me in the middle of that. But if I pick a goal that's just for the money or just for the accomplishment or whatever, odds are the stress is going to be far greater than the reward because it doesn't contribute to my purpose.

• 1:14:49Speaker 01

  And that's raises the second question, which is, how do I know when to quit? And some people have this false belief that grit is the thing that makes you, and you never quit. That's stupid. Just as it as stupid, it is just as stupid as to say you always quit whenever it gets difficult. Both are the wrong mentality. My test is very simple. Does the sacrifice feel worth it? If the sacrifice feels worth it because there's some higher goal you're trying to achieve, some higher purpose, not even goal, a higher purpose you're trying to achieve, then you better show up the grit and you keep going. But if it just doesn't feel worth it anymore, it doesn't feel like I'm contributing to something bigger than myself, then it's time to move on.

• 1:15:34Speaker 01

  I was writing a book called Leaders Eat Last. It's the single most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. It was impossible to organize. Each, each chapter could have been its own book. It was ridiculous. The amount of content that I was like, start with why was something like, like I remember like 68,000 words or something. When I was writing Leaders Eat Last, I wrote 150,000 words and I was just getting started. I called up the publisher. I said, I think this needs to be multi-volumes. Like that's, I mean, it was impossible. And it got to the point where I couldn't do it. It just, I, I, I couldn't, I couldn't figure it out. And so it was about eight o'clock at night and I decided I was done. I couldn't do it. I was gonna quit.

• 1:16:17Speaker 01

  And I literally went for a long walk and planned my exit, planned quitting. I went through the checklist of the things that I'm gonna have to do over the next few days in order to unwind from this project. I'm gonna have to call my publisher and say, I can't do it. I'm technically in breach of contract, which means I'm gonna have to return the advance. I'm gonna have to make a public statement. I've been telling everybody I'm writing a new book and I'm gonna have to say, it's not coming, so I'll be publicly humiliated for a short period of time. But people are like, what do you mean? And you're like, we've been looking forward to it. Why can't you do it? Right? So I'm gonna be publicly humiliated. I'm gonna have to tell my friends, I can't do it. So I'm gonna be privately humiliated. I'm gonna hate myself for a while. I'm gonna regret it and I'll get over it.

• 1:16:59Speaker 01

  I literally went through the checklist of all the things I'm gonna have to do and prepare myself for. Not sure why I did, but I picked up the phone and called a friend of mine, who at the time was in the Air Force Special Forces. I don't even think I said hello. He picked up the phone and I said, what do you do when you can't complete the mission? And as is his nature, he started telling me a story. He was in Afghanistan and he was ordered to go on a mission. He's a helicopter pilot, where all of the intelligence said that they were going to get shot down. And this wasn't like a kill Hitler mission, where you're all going to die, but you'll kill Hitler. This is like, you're all going to die and the mission will fail. Like, it was just a pointless suicide mission, right? All the intel was compelling.

• 1:17:44Speaker 01

  And so, he and his wingman, they're prepping their helicopter, getting ready to go on this ridiculous, stupid mission. And his wingman turns to him and says, what do we do? We've got wives, we've got kids. This is literally a suicide mission. Like, do we refuse to go? What do we do? And my friend said to his wingman, no, this is what we signed up for. We go. And what he was saying is, we go together. Obviously, cooler heads prevailed and the mission was scrubbed. And so, he says to me, is this book more or less powerful than Start With Why? I said, the research that I'm doing has impacted me more than Start With Why.

• 1:18:28Speaker 01

  He goes, okay, I'm going to tell you a funny little story. He goes, before I met you, I became disillusioned with the Air Force. I didn't want to be in it anymore and I was going to leave. And I found this kooky little book called Start With Why, and it completely inspired me. It made me a better leader and I stuck to the, I stayed in the Air Force and I am so glad I did because I'm better than I was before. And if you're telling me that this book is more powerful than the first one? He goes, you have to finish it. He goes, this is what you signed up for. You do it. And what he was saying is, and I will be here with you. He made me feel not alone, but he also reminded me that it wasn't about the book. The book was contributing to something even bigger than myself, which is, I agreed that I would commit myself to a life where I would work tirelessly to inspire people to do the things that inspire them.

• 1:19:13Speaker 01

  And if this is one of the things that I know will work... This is what I signed up for. The sacrifice is worth it.

• 1:19:19Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:19:20Speaker 01

  And I wasn't alone anymore. I now had somebody I could call and be like, I can't do this. And he's like, come on, I got you. And this is the thing that I learned about folks in the military, which is our friends give it advice, give us advice like, you got this. Yeah, you go. Which is basically like saying, off you go. In the military, it's things like, we go. Even though I have to do the work, we go. I had another experience in the military where I was standing on the stage presenting to a bunch of officers, senior officers, generals and colonels. And I was telling a story that was really difficult. And I started to well up. And I'm starting to tell myself, should I just skip over this? I could easily just, and I was stuck.

• 1:20:04Speaker 01

  I paused because you know, when you, when you're welling up, you, you know that if you take one more word, you're going to lose it. And I was right there, is that that word? And I just stopped quietly. Now, if this was in the private sector, because I know, because it's happened, it's happened for you too. Somebody will say, it's okay. Take your time. As if to say, you over there, you, you take whatever. We'll be, we'll be waiting over here when you're ready. That's not what happened. I get stuck on the stage. I'm welling up with tears. And the four star general at the back of the room goes, go on. As if to say, we're here with you. You're not alone. It cracks me up just talking about it now.

• 1:20:47Speaker 01

  And this is what I learned about them. The reason they are high achievers. The reason they have the kind of grit that they do. The reason they do things that most of us don't want to do or can't do is because at no point do they ever make each other feel like they're alone. At every point along the way, they know that someone has their six, someone has their back. They will sacrifice their lives for people they don't even like because they know that that person will sacrifice their lives for them.

• 1:21:19Speaker 01

  And I think this is the, this is the missing thing that we don't talk about enough in all of this high achievement stuff and finding your purpose stuff. It's too hard to do alone. Human beings aren't made to survive by ourselves. You go out into the wilderness by yourself, you'll get eaten by something, you will die. Go out in a group? You're fine. We're fine. We are social animals. And we've spent so much time over index on individual accomplishment, individual achievement, and individual happiness, and individual fulfillment. We've, we've, we've just overdone it. That we've forgotten that the hack is together.

• 1:22:03Speaker 01

  Friendship is the ultimate biohack. And if you want to find happiness, instead of going on another retreat or reading another book, what I would recommend is help someone who's struggling with the thing that you're struggling with. Commit yourself to a life of service to help somebody who's struggling with the exact same thing you're struggling with. And instead of overcommitting yourself to whatever you're struggling with, overcommit yourself to helping them find whatever it is that you're also looking for with no selfish intent whatsoever.

• 1:22:39Chris Williamson?

  Talking about groups, reflecting on the millennial question, nearly 10 years later now.

• 1:22:44Speaker 01

  Has it been that long?

• 1:22:46Chris Williamson?

  Eight years.

• 1:22:47Speaker 01

  Wow, time flies.

• 1:22:48Chris Williamson?

  Given that.

• 1:22:49Speaker 01

  That was a wild day, I remember that.

• 1:22:52Chris Williamson?

  Well, those millennials have grown up now. What advice would you give to Gen Z who are dealing with a different but challenging climate?

• 1:23:01Speaker 01

  So, a lot of the things I said in that original commentary are still true.

• 1:23:10Speaker 01

  I think Gen Z is different than millennials. In many ways, many ways the same. I mean, from the technology standpoint, some of the parenting standpoint.

• 1:23:21Speaker 01

  I think where they have, where they have an advantage is I think their parents, especially the, the ones who are a little younger now.

• 1:23:29Speaker 01

  Are more aware of over coddling their kids, which is the mistake that millennial parents made. Right? So we're better at affirming emotions. We're betting at kids allowing, you know, to, to struggle, you know, things like that. Where they are very different than millennials and the original criticisms of millennials, which is millennials were accused of being slacktivists. Back in their day when they were younger, which is they loved, they'd love to go on Twitter and tell you their opinion. While they're sitting in the back of an Uber on their way to brunch. Right? Like, they didn't do anything. They didn't show up. Right? Where Gen Z are an activist generation. They don't just complain, they strike, they protest, they speak out, they vote.

• 1:24:13Speaker 01

  They run for office. We're having all these young kids running for office, you know, these 25 year olds running for office.

• 1:24:20Speaker 01

  And they're, they're much more action oriented for the things that are scaring them or bothering them. On all sides of the political aisles. And I think that's a good thing.

• 1:24:31Speaker 01

  They're taking accountability, whether we disagree with, you know, with how they're doing it, that's debatable, that's fine. But, but they're, but they're making sacrifices and they're putting themselves out there, which I think is great.

• 1:24:43Speaker 01

  The technology addiction is still a thing, but I think it's a thing for all of us. I think it's pronounced when kids grew up with it. Because they don't know any different, and again, it's not their fault, it's parents. Parents who give unfettered access to a device when a child is young, they're setting themselves up for some real challenges later. I think there's lots of data now, when, when we've, when I was first talking about it with millennials. It sounded like sort of a whiny, you know, Luddite adults, but now Jonathan Haidt has written about it extensively and there's lots and lots of data on it now. That it's, and we all know what, we all know what dopamine is, we all know what a dopamine addiction is. We all know that the social media companies are hijacking our dopamine system. We all know it, it's like common knowledge now, right?

• 1:25:27Speaker 01

  So I think the awareness that they have is good, but the advice is the same, which is, and I think what, what Gen Z is struggling with more than probably millennials is the loneliness question.

• 1:25:37Speaker 01

  And I think partially because of technology and isolation and because I can have a friend online. Now the rise of AI friends, that's going to be a whole new thing.

• 1:25:49Speaker 01

  But I am, I'm gonna double down on what I've said before, which is if we can find ways to help them make friends. And I'm meeting young people who are still in college. Or just graduating high school or college. And the thing that they're reporting is they really struggled to make friends when they were in college. And, but again, they're an activist generation, right? So like there's one, I, there's at least one I know. Her name's Alix. She started a company called Clicks where, in full disclosure, I, I met Alix and I fell in love with her mission and I, I, I advised her and made a small investment, so just for full disclosure. But, uh, but basically she started a company to help young people make friends because she struggled to make friends. And the way she does it is by in-person events.

• 1:26:32Speaker 01

  And she's very open how she started an app that she wants people to spend less and less time on her app. Which is like, you tell that to an investor that, you know, that's horrible.

• 1:26:42Speaker 01

  So I, I think I'm, I'm, I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful because they are so attentive. I'm hopeful for the future because of this young generation.

• 1:26:49Chris Williamson?

  What are the mistakes of older generations that millennials should not repeat?

• 1:26:55Speaker 01

  So the doubling down on rugged individualism, one.

• 1:27:05Speaker 01

  The concept of

• 1:27:07Speaker 01

  business existing for the benefit of an investor, whether it's a public markets or venture capitalist. No, the business exists to give something of benefit to a customer. Make their lives easier, make it more fun, take them on a journey, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. And if you do that, the investors will win, but you don't build a company for an investor.

• 1:27:31Speaker 01

  You build a company for a customer and you make the employees love the mission that they're on to serve those customers. I hope they undo that ridiculous mentality that is pervasive in business today. I think one of the, some of the things that they, you know, the rugged individualism, one is crazy and all, and you can see how we've built incentive structures that are all about individual achievement and not about team or group achievement. So I, I, I don't want them to repeat those mistakes. They have an opportunity to rein, business is not, this is not how business always, capitalism as Adam Smith imagined it when he wrote about it in The Wealth of Nations, wasn't what we have now. He was customer focused.

• 1:28:16Speaker 01

  He was employee focused. And it was Jack Welch, the CEO of GE back in the eighties and nineties and an economist named Milton Friedman that made capitalism what it is today. So capitalism is good, just not this version of it.

• 1:28:29Chris Williamson?

  I wonder what an infinite game looks like in a modern culture that's obsessed with instant gratification and metrics.

• 1:28:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, you, I mean, you, you just said it. An infinite game is literally letting go of the instant gratification. You can enjoy it, you can appreciate it, but it's just one dot on a journey, you know? That it's, it's just one, one waypoint. It's not the finish line. And you can hear how we talk about the end of the quarter, the end of the year, as if it's the end of the game. No, it's just one mile marker. You're either ahead or behind. You're either going fast or slow. That's it.

• 1:29:07Chris Williamson?

  Is there not something deeper and more truthful in that with regards to how the human reward system works though? That we need to move toward these little goals? We need to have these way marker points?

• 1:29:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's nothing wrong with metrics.

• 1:29:19Chris Williamson?

  Yeah, that tension, that balance between the two.

• 1:29:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's nothing wrong with metrics. We've just overdone the dopamine, right? Understand the caveman reason for dopamine. That's a very good reason, right? Which is, I need food, I need shelter, right? So when you're wandering across the savannas with your caveman buddies and in the distance you see food.

• 1:29:48Speaker 01

  An apple tree, a gazelle, whatever, you become fixated. That's the goal. Get there and you start hunting or moving towards the apple tree. And as the apple tree gets a little bigger, you get the feeling that you're making progress. Dopamine hit. Keep going, keep going. The dopamine tells you, keep going. And if you miss it, you'll try another day so you can get that that feeling again. But if you get it, if you kill the animal or get to the apple tree. Oh, my God, the the feeling of victory. Yes, yes. You high five all your caveman buddies. We did it.

• 1:30:23Speaker 01

  Right? But the feeling goes away. Nobody celebrates the victory they had three years ago. That feeling has gone away. And so you have to do it again. So dopamine isn't supposed to feed relationships. It's supposed to make you find the things you're looking for or achieve the things you're setting out to achieve. Right? That's what it's designed to do. And where the hijacking happens is that becomes all of it. Repeat, repeat, repeat. That's called addiction. Literally, almost every addiction is a dopamine addiction. And social media addiction is most closely, looks most closely to gambling addiction. But it's it's what the same thing is, which is you become achievement addicted. Because it's the only way you ever get a good feeling is from when you achieve things. You just have to keep doing it. And it's kind of like moving the goalposts. Right?

• 1:31:08Speaker 01

  I keep achieving it. How come I haven't found success? You have it in the moment. You have that little feeling of elation and then it goes away so quickly. And so we confuse joy, which is infinite, love, which is infinite, which happiness, which is momentary. I'm looking for happiness. I can show you a million ways to get happiness. Yeah, and it'll go away. You're gonna have to do it again. But to find love, like if you're in love with someone, you love your children, but you don't like them every day. You can love your partner, but you can hate them in moments. But that doesn't mean you're leaving. Just mean I hate you today. But yes, of course I love you. Of course I love you. And it's these underlying foundations that are infinite. And the happiness sits on top of it.

• 1:31:53Speaker 01

  And we've forgotten to build those underlying foundations in pursuit of just those dopamine hits. And so.

• 1:32:00Speaker 01

  And you summed it up beautifully, which is we've made the pursuit of oxytocin and serotonin. We've made the pursuit of love and purpose and joy. We've turned, we've gamified. We've, we've attempted to turn the seeking of things that require consistency and investment into events to be won or lost.

• 1:32:22Speaker 01

  And that's not how they are. We're applying intensity to elements that require consistency. Goes back to the brushing your teeth analogy. We think if we go to the dentist more often, it'll be better. No, it'll just be more painful.

• 1:32:38Chris Williamson?

  Yeah, there's a, an interesting idea of instrumental goods and intrinsic goods in ethics philosophy. And it's kind of not too dissimilar to this. Intrinsic good is something that is good in and of itself. And instrumental good is something that essentially eventually gets you to the intrinsic good. But there is an issue that you can treat all of life instrumentally. Like everything that you do is done in service of the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.

• 1:33:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, this is the infinite mindset. This is exactly what I attempted to write about. You know, the best way to understand the infinite mindset is this Chinese parable. It's told many ways, this is the way I know it, right?

• 1:33:18Speaker 01

  Young man is born with a remarkable ability for horse riding. Everyone in the village says, oh, you're so lucky. And the monk says, we'll see. He falls off his horse, breaks his leg, ends his horse riding career. Everyone in the village says, oh, you're so unlucky. The monk says, we'll see. War breaks out, all the young men are sent to battle. He can't go because of his busted leg. Everyone in the village says, you're so lucky. The monk says, we'll see. Good news, bad news, who knows? It's all part of a journey, right? And it sucks when you're in it, but it'll pass. But by the way, the same is true for good things. Like this is amazing when you're in it, it'll pass. And so the question is, how do you build the foundation? The foundation is built on relationships.

• 1:34:02Speaker 01

  The foundation is built on relationships. All the other stuff sits on top. Achievement, accomplishment, win, win, win, you know? And I'd have never met a successful person in my life who learned anything when things went well.

• 1:34:19Speaker 01

  They learned every lesson they needed to learn that helped them achieve when things went horribly wrong. And the most successful people in the world, every single one of them, hit zero or came damn close to it.

• 1:34:31Speaker 01

  Almost every single one.

• 1:34:33Chris Williamson?

  So failure is a gift.

• 1:34:36Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, it's the gift. Now, none of us want to go through it. None of us want to repeat it. It's awful.

• 1:34:44Speaker 01

  We're all secretly glad it happened.

• 1:34:49Chris Williamson?

  There's an interesting idea.

• 1:34:50Speaker 01

  And I'm not saying we should set it up either. Like, don't set yourself up to fail to learn the lesson. That's kind of doesn't like, the goal is to learn, to grow, but you're gonna get battered. Like, like, life is not a smooth journey. It's a, it's a bumpy ride. But the question is, are you enjoying the bumps? Or appreciating the bumps at least? You don't have to enjoy them, but you can appreciate them.

• 1:35:12Speaker 01

  You can have a sense of humor. I think sense of humor is one of the greatest things in the world. Not enough is talked about sense of humor.

• 1:35:18Speaker 01

  You know, you can't be angry or sad when you're laughing. It just, have you ever been in a fight with somebody? And somebody makes a joke? And you're trying not to smile because you're angry? And instantly the anger goes away? Stop it, I'm trying to be angry. Like, parents and kids, it happens all the time, right? Kid makes a joke, parents trying to be serious. Right? You just, you can't, it's too hard. It's too hard to be sad or angry when you're laughing. And I think sense of humor is unbelievably underappreciated as a coping mechanism and just a way of getting through it, just to see the absurdity of it. You know? And so I look for every occasion to make jokes, even when it's inappropriate.

• 1:36:04Chris Williamson?

  What would you say to someone who feels paralyzed by fear of moving forward? They're unconfident in their decisions. They don't know whether things are going to go well. And they are scared of committing. They don't have that level of conviction that they need to actually start to make movements.

• 1:36:23Speaker 01

  Go help somebody else who's paralyzed with the same fear. Don't worry about it. You're good. Just go help someone else who's struggling with the same or similar thing.

• 1:36:33Speaker 01

  And I don't mean create it like a self fulfilling victim circle. You know, that's not what I mean like, don't confuse going to help somebody with reinforcing. So I can feel better about myself. We do that all the time, right? We create these little echo chambers where we all make ourselves feel better by reinforcing. Like, yeah, screw the world. They did this to us. Yeah, they did it to me too. Right? Like, no, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about. Like genuinely try and help somebody get through the stuck.

• 1:37:02Speaker 01

  And the easiest way to do that, it's also very hard, is to make it known that you're struggling, not so that someone will help you. It's just to create a space that somebody will say, me too. Because everybody's lying, hiding and faking, right? So we don't know which of our friends. Like it's the single biggest, biggest lesson I learned in my career. When I was young in my career, I was pretending that I was more in control, more successful, happier than I felt. Never needed help. I was good. I had all the answers. And if I didn't have the answers, I definitely pretended that I did. Nobody helped me. Why? I didn't ask for it, didn't need it. And I was projecting that I got it all in control.

• 1:37:45Speaker 01

  Until I got to the point where I was struggling so much that I gave up and had to admit it because I didn't have any other choice. And the minute somebody said, how are you? You'd be like, ah.

• 1:37:56Speaker 01

  It's been a rough month.

• 1:37:59Speaker 01

  If I'm honest. It turns out I was surrounded by people who wanted to help me. They just didn't know I needed it. But I also was surrounded by people who needed help. But they were too embarrassed to share it because when I'm on top of the world. You see this in leadership all the time. Leaders make this mistake. In really difficult times, leaders come into work with a brave face. Everything's good. Everything's fine. Everything's great.

• 1:38:23Speaker 01

  And this is toxic positivity. They're not doing it for bad reasons. They're doing it for good reasons. They think they need to put on a positive face to help keep everybody up. But if it's a hard time, what they're doing is making people feel worse because they're looking at their boss going, God, they're so happy in this stress. I mean, I can't even like get sleep. What the hell? I'm even more of a loser. But when a boss comes to work and says,

• 1:38:46Speaker 01

  Folks, this is, phew. This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with work. I do not know how to get through this. And I am stressed and I'm worried, but you know what? We've got an amazing team. I know if we stick together and take care of each other, I know we'll get through this. And I'm not worried. That's the thing that gives me confidence. And everybody goes, oh, yeah, me too. I'm stressed too. Right? The responsibility of the leader is to create the safe space. And so, somebody who has the courage to say, I am struggling, not because they're looking for help, not because they're looking for sympathy. Somebody who has the courage to say, I am struggling, simply to create a safe space for somebody around them to say, me too, so that they can offer their help, that's called being a leader. We call you leader not because you're in charge.

• 1:39:31Speaker 01

  We call you leader because you went first, because you had the courage to go first. You are leading the way, literally. And so if somebody's really struggling, you don't have to do it publicly. You don't have to do it online. Just do it to one friend. In fact, I would say it takes more courage to do it to one friend. You see people put these messages out on social. They're by themselves in their room, talking to a device to say, here's what I'm struggling with. I don't know how many takes they did to get it just right, which is just weird in and to itself. Because that's easy to talk to yourself. And then put it up there and get the affirmations online.

• 1:40:13Speaker 01

  That exact same conversation to have in person to one person and look them in the eye and say, everything you said to yourself in your room by yourself with your device is excruciatingly difficult because that's real vulnerability. And so, I challenged somebody to find the courage to say to a friend, I am struggling. I'm stuck. I'm confused. I'm lost. I don't know what I want to do. And if they start fixing you, say, I don't need you to fix me. What I need for you is just to listen. And I guarantee you, whether it's that person or a different friend, someone will say, me too.

• 1:40:58Speaker 01

  Now you have a project. Now you have an opportunity to serve.

• 1:41:04Speaker 01

  Why don't we go through this together? Let me do everything I can to support you, to help you get through this and find what you're looking for. And you'll find yourself reading books, listening to podcasts, reading articles, not for yourself, you'll find it doing it for somebody else. And that is the most fulfilling thing you can do, an act of service.

• 1:41:22Chris Williamson?

  Simon, you're great. Let's bring this one home, dude. I appreciate the heck out of you. What are you working on now? What can people expect of the next foreseeable future?

• 1:41:30Speaker 01

  Lots of things, lots of balls in the air. Writing a book about friendship. I've realized that all of the things that I've written about wouldn't work if you didn't have other people in your life who agree to grow with you. And, you know, there's an entire industry to help us be better leaders. There's an entire industry to help us be, have better marriages, be better parents, right? There's barely anything on how to be a friend. And yet, if you look at all of those things, work, personal life, those things succeed because we have friends to support us in those journeys. Well, who's there to support the friends? So I'm loving that research and enjoying writing that book, making huge changes at

• 1:42:12Speaker 01

  work, changing our business model, really enjoying myself. The team's having a blast. We're experimenting, trying new things and just, you know, we're just having fun. So better things are happening with our, with our, with our, our learning product. We teach human skills, all those things we're talking about. You know, I wanna, I wanna be a part of that journey with people if they're, if they'll let me. So that's happening. And we're in beta right now because I figured out a way to help people find their why. And I've written about it and I've spoken about it. And so we're in beta right now where we're teaching, we have something called Why School, which is it's for coaches, personal coaches, executive coaches, people who are in corporate

• 1:42:56Speaker 01

  learning development departments, for them to come and learn my exact same process so they can help other people learn their why. Because I realize I want everybody to have their purpose, but I mean,

• 1:43:06Chris Williamson?

  There's only one of you.

• 1:43:07Speaker 01

  There's only one of me. And even if I trained a few people, there's only a few of us, but. For people who are already out there in the helping business, if I can give them one more tool in their in their toolbox.

• 1:43:17Chris Williamson?

  That's cool.

• 1:43:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:43:18Chris Williamson?

  Why can people check that out?

• 1:43:20Speaker 01

  It's not live yet, but it will come live. But you know, SimonSinek.com is where all the all the good stuff is. You know, social media, all the all the usual places.

• 1:43:29Chris Williamson?

  Beautiful. Simon, I appreciate you.

• 1:43:31Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. Great conversation.

• 1:43:34Speaker 03

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• 1:44:02Speaker 02

  1-800-CONTACTS.