Ep 550 - Blazer Tag

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Support Blazer Tag Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Yup. We casted LIVE (to tape) from Blazer Tag. Hot Cast in the Pizza Party Room. How great is our God. We're joined by all the broz Adam E Jimby Meezy Unc Terminator Pat etc etc. I wore a go pro while we tagged - so I'm going to try to edit together a video and put it on the patreon. Anyways, please enjoy. God Bless. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:02Matt McCusker?

  You.

• 0:03Speaker 00

  They said it couldn't be done.

• 0:04Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  They said it could not be done. Nobody would be crazy enough to do a podcast live from Blazer Tag.

• 0:11Matt McCusker?

  I know. I didn't know you could pull it off, dude. This is.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, it turns out it was pretty easy to pull off.

• 0:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  So then rent that fucking place out.

• 0:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true. What are you guys doing at, uh, one o'clock in the afternoon?

• 0:22Speaker 00

  On a day they're closed? We got Blazer Tag.

• 0:25Matt McCusker?

  It's.

• 0:25Speaker 00

  I'm a Blazer Tag. God damn it. I know it was a mistake to get you get up here. God damn it. You got that blood taking out your little fucking week.

• 0:38Matt McCusker?

  I mean, yeah, it's, it's hard to podcast knowing laser tags on the back end.

• 0:42Speaker 00

  What are you, what are you thinking about? Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna be taking breaks, hit the tag, come back and report. I'm thinking, what were you thinking about teams? I'm thinking fats versus thins.

• 0:51Matt McCusker?

  That's not bad.

• 0:52Speaker 00

  Fats versus thins is gonna be nice.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  You might be, you're close to thins. There's some, there's some true fats.

• 1:01Matt McCusker?

  Do we have enough fats?

• 1:02Speaker 00

  We have enough fat. Is Onk coming?

• 1:06Matt McCusker?

  I think we have more than enough fat.

• 1:09Speaker 00

  It might be too many, but the fats are gonna be camping. You're gonna have to breach that room. We're not leaving. Although we could gas ourselves out. One of the fats, Spider could hit another Blazer Tag floor, clear the room.

• 1:23Matt McCusker?

  Is friendly fire?

• 1:24Speaker 00

  We might send Blazer, we might send Spider in as a little suicide bomb. You guys are gonna shoot him a lot, but he's getting a fart.

• 1:29Matt McCusker?

  I see him reloading on the Cheetos.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  He's got the Cheetos.

• 1:33Matt McCusker?

  We're just gonna fuck, go in all a lot more. Did you eat a burrito before your game? Oh, thank God.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  But what did you eat? I'm sure it was fucking catastrophic. Oh, an empty, empty belly with Cheetos? That's a good recipe.

• 1:49Matt McCusker?

  Could be empty belly.

• 1:49Speaker 00

  Dude, he gassed out my house the other day.

• 1:51Matt McCusker?

  Did he really?

• 1:53Speaker 00

  Oh, no. He took a shit in the far room.

• 1:56Matt McCusker?

  And it's.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  And I was like, fucking the sewage just fucked again. I just had plumbers here. It was so bad that I was like, and it like, it really fucked the whole house up.

• 2:04Matt McCusker?

  Is that when we?

• 2:05Speaker 00

  It was an impressive dump.

• 2:06Matt McCusker?

  Was that when we thought he died? That night?

• 2:08Speaker 00

  No, that was, this is the second dump he's taken recently. In your house. Uh, yes.

• 2:16Matt McCusker?

  Whoa.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  That was clearly dog shit.

• 2:19Matt McCusker?

  Out of water too.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  I mean, who knows what he did in there?

• 2:24Matt McCusker?

  Damn dude.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  Oh, there's my fucking gym shorts.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Goddamn spiders wearing them.

• 2:36Matt McCusker?

  What was going on with that dump? What led up to that?

• 2:39Speaker 02

  I just hadn't been dumping dude. It was a fun weekend.

• 2:42Matt McCusker?

  You're blocked up.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Everybody dropped an insane one. Girls were there, they were screaming, people were upset. Oh my god. We opened the doors. We had to open the doors of the house.

• 2:53Matt McCusker?

  You crushed the girls?

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Crushed the girls.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Crushed the bees.

• 2:56Matt McCusker?

  Was it a giant log or like a pile?

• 2:58Speaker 00

  No, that was a pile.

• 2:59Speaker 02

  It was, it was multiple. I had to go back.

• 3:03Speaker 02

  Just one flush.

• 3:05Speaker 00

  It's impressive to clear out a house in a one flush.

• 3:09Matt McCusker?

  I mean.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, we thought he was dead. We were joking around, we were in the pool and we were like, maybe he's dead. And then we all kind of like, thought about it for a while and we're like, somebody should check on him.

• 3:19Matt McCusker?

  Do a two hour dump for real?

• 3:21Speaker 00

  He might have Elvis out.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  It was a long dump.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  And then we had the realization that one of us is gonna Elvis out.

• 3:29Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Between the squad, I think we have a pretty high speaking of Elvising out. Someone's dying on the shitter in that.

• 3:36Matt McCusker?

  Reporting for duty, Team Pat. Team Pat reporting for duty.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  It's gonna be tough for, uh, Pat, cause he's been losing weight. Still reporting for duty.

• 3:51Matt McCusker?

  Reporting for duty, Team Fat.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Team Fat's gonna be camped though. That's gonna be tough.

• 3:57Matt McCusker?

  You guys will camp.

• 3:58Speaker 00

  You're gonna have to breach the room, yes.

• 4:00Matt McCusker?

  You guys gotta get the tactical position.

• 4:05Matt McCusker?

  Another reported for duty.

• 4:08Matt McCusker?

  What up, Pat?

• 4:09Speaker 00

  It'd be funny.

• 4:11Matt McCusker?

  Pat, we're split. We're splitting up the laser tag team.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Anytime someone dies, they respawn in there.

• 4:15Matt McCusker?

  Fan skinny.

• 4:16Speaker 00

  It's a good look.

• 4:18Matt McCusker?

  That's right. Nice. So what do I?

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Oh, shit. Oh, I'm good. Oh, I guess I am on the skinny team. Holy shit, I thought I was fucked. It's literally just Gardini, Matt, and O'Connor. There's no one else. We're outnumbered.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  You and me are competing, truthfully.

• 4:41Matt McCusker?

  We gotta have a BMI, it's gotta be a BMI cutoff.

• 4:47Matt McCusker?

  This is cra- you guys are Legion right now.

• 4:51Speaker 00

  Literally on the drive over, I was like, I'm close. I'm on the cutoff, there's some units on the squad.

• 5:02Matt McCusker?

  All lining.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  This is great. This is a tough squad, dude. Have you thought about your name?

• 5:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was gonna, I was gonna do.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  Can't think of a cool name.

• 5:11Matt McCusker?

  I was gonna do TS Cool Shooter.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  That's awesome.

• 5:17Speaker 00

  TS Cool Shooter is awesome.

• 5:22Matt McCusker?

  We gotta see, you gotta get past their filter, they don't like.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Doctor Hits?

• 5:28Matt McCusker?

  Someone's gotta be General Fat.

• 5:30Speaker 00

  Oh, that's great.

• 5:33Matt McCusker?

  Hey, Spider.

• 5:34Speaker 00

  They're Spider. General Fat Spider.

• 5:40Matt McCusker?

  I was thinking of cool names last night, I was like, what can I slide through? Yeah, last, last game I was busting.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Anything Doctor, Mr. Hits, Doctor Hits.

• 5:48Matt McCusker?

  Doctor Hits is nice. Chairman Pow.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  Chairman Pow is pretty good.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, that'd be good. Yeah, you'd be Netanyahu.

• 5:57Matt McCusker?

  Netanyahu, Bibi would be nice.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  Don't get me started. Don't get him started.

• 6:01Matt McCusker?

  I might be Bibi, actually, now that I think about it.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Bibi.

• 6:05Matt McCusker?

  I could be Bibi. Bibi Net.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:08Matt McCusker?

  Bibi Net, how many terms has he done as President of Israel?

• 6:10Speaker 00

  Fucking ninety?

• 6:11Matt McCusker?

  Two thousand?

• 6:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:12Matt McCusker?

  Maybe those guys, they lived to two thousand.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  He's the potent of Israel, for sure, yeah. Man, you can feel it, it is a blazer tag, the air, the air in here. Now that the boys reported for duty, the air got thick.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  Fucking Lemare's gonna fart in there and we're all gonna four.

• 6:39Matt McCusker?

  Once they bring us the rations, the movie theater pizza, this is gonna be thick in there. It's gonna be like the fucking jungles of Namibia. It's gonna be a pure bog. Humidity eighty-seven percent.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  Guys are gonna lose their minds, dude.

• 6:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're gonna be able to find us from our breath. They're on the other side of the wall.

• 7:05Matt McCusker?

  Goddamn.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's not fair. You guys are gonna have radar.

• 7:08Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean?

• 7:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, true. You know exactly the smell, the snores.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  We're gonna be running night shifts. Guys are gonna have to watch the wire at night. Guys are gonna be sleeping.

• 7:24Matt McCusker?

  In blazer tag, no one can hear you.

• 7:27Speaker 00

  He's been losing a little. James just got off.

• 7:33Matt McCusker?

  James, you thin team, fat team? Which team?

• 7:35Speaker 03

  Oh, fat team.

• 7:36Matt McCusker?

  Actually, it's a fat robe. That shirt's looking straight down, bro. Whoa.

• 7:40Speaker 03

  Is that the definition?

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's slouch.

• 7:46Speaker 03

  This is not a thin team.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  But James has lost enough weight.

• 7:49Matt McCusker?

  James been losing, man.

• 7:50Speaker 00

  In this group, he's right there. That is true.

• 7:52Speaker 03

  I didn't know we were filming the laser tag today.

• 7:54Matt McCusker?

  Did they give you lipo with that haircut?

• 7:58Speaker 03

  Will not be mocked.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  Look at how quickly James takes a mic. People don't realize how greedy James is.

• 8:10Matt McCusker?

  Ah, we're on air. I'm getting warped. Thanks for coming, James.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  It's good to have you.

• 8:15Speaker 03

  I'm in, I'm focused. I'm ready.

• 8:17Matt McCusker?

  You might be thin teamed, dude. I think you're thin teamed.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've, you've reached thin teamed.

• 8:20Speaker 03

  It would be the honor of my life if I'd made it.

• 8:26Speaker 03

  What about who else is on the thin team?

• 8:27Matt McCusker?

  Might have to start doing thin propaganda.

• 8:30Speaker 03

  You're thin.

• 8:31Speaker 00

  No offense.

• 8:37Matt McCusker?

  You are down right now, PG.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  You're down.

• 8:39Matt McCusker?

  You're on a weight loss journey. 115, gain 70.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  Ooh.

• 8:44Matt McCusker?

  How'd you gain the 70?

• 8:45Speaker 00

  God damn.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  How?

• 8:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:47Speaker 04

  Oh, Jack in the Box.

• 8:49Matt McCusker?

  You're just putting a lot of chips on the table, both ways.

• 8:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stopped intermittent fasting and training, exercising all together.

• 8:55Matt McCusker?

  And Jack in the Box. What's the time span on that, where you gain 115?

• 8:58Speaker 00

  It was so fast.

• 8:59Matt McCusker?

  70.

• 9:00Speaker 04

  My fattest, I was 413.

• 9:01Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  And I got down to 240.

• 9:06Matt McCusker?

  How long did it take you to get from 430 to 250?

• 9:09Speaker 00

  It got worse.

• 9:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, in general.

• 9:13Matt McCusker?

  413.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  I like two years, like two years.

• 9:16Speaker 04

  Okay, yeah.

• 9:18Matt McCusker?

  Lemese, what's the highest you touched?

• 9:21Speaker 00

  I had to be like 420 plus.

• 9:24Matt McCusker?

  Damn. You guys are some fucking A2, A2 Langsack cows, dude, this is crazy.

• 9:32Speaker 00

  Langsack, we were doing mics in Langsack's, and Meezy has a photo of him. It's crazy, dude, he doesn't have arms.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Forearms sticking out. He's like a fat T-Rex.

• 9:43Matt McCusker?

  That would be, that is nice, though, that is the dream, to move to like truly the middle of America and just get as big as you can. That'd be awesome, for real, I'm not kidding, that would be.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  I'm on my way.

• 9:53Matt McCusker?

  So nice. And like, your president wins, you're as fat as you can possibly get, you're like, I knew I was right about everything.

• 10:03Speaker 00

  Oh, man. This is exciting stuff. Do we have anybody else here? So, Conman's out there. This is somewhere, um, and other than that, I don't know.

• 10:12Matt McCusker?

  We got Hassan, Hassan's team's skinny, although.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, he is.

• 10:15Matt McCusker?

  I don't know where his loyalties lie.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. True.

• 10:21Matt McCusker?

  Something about him, I don't know.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know if I'd trust him in there.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  We're gonna have to send waves at each other, so, LaMar and Nate, you guys go first.

• 10:32Speaker 00

  Clear out some mines.

• 10:37Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna see if we can get a school bus in here for Hassan.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Oh, man.

• 10:46Matt McCusker?

  Sorry, that's terrible.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  I got a feeling I'm gonna be really bad at this.

• 10:49Matt McCusker?

  You might be nice, man.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  I'm not gonna try.

• 10:51Matt McCusker?

  There's a couple of tactical perches. If you grab it, it's tough to get you out of there.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:58Speaker 05

  To focus on the rules beforehand, they're very important.

• 11:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 11:01Speaker 05

  Because they're secret things you could shoot and they give you power ups and...

• 11:05Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 11:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not gonna...

• 11:06Matt McCusker?

  I don't really fuck with that. I heard that, but it's like, I got too many ops out there to be fucking with the power ups.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  We're gonna have to divide these teams.

• 11:14Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  Phil, we can't do fat skinnies.

• 11:16Matt McCusker?

  We can do fat and skinnies.

• 11:17Speaker 00

  We're gonna have to do, uh...

• 11:21Matt McCusker?

  We'll just do the fattest.

• 11:28Matt McCusker?

  Darkest complexion to lightest.

• 11:30Speaker 00

  Ooh, I like that.

• 11:31Matt McCusker?

  We'll do shirts and skins.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  I'm out.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  100% out. I do have some level of shame.

• 11:43Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man. Um, yeah, we'll have to figure, we'll have to go, we'll have to assemble the troops and just look at, you know, give everyone a good up-down. See what's going on. Has anyone here got flat feet?

• 11:55Matt McCusker?

  You're out, you can't do it.

• 11:58Speaker 00

  Chris is colorblind, he's out.

• 12:00Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah, shit. I'm gay, I'm out.

• 12:06Matt McCusker?

  Not allowed to talk about it. Where's Chris?

• 12:08Speaker 00

  He's out playing video games.

• 12:10Matt McCusker?

  Oh, see. He's preparing probably, probably fucking Time Crisis right now, getting ready.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  That's cheating.

• 12:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, fucking bullshit. I, they can't play until we get ready. That'll be bullshit. Yeah, they only have like two video games here. Yeah, Time Crisis and Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is kinda nice, and they have the basketball, basketball hoop, football toss, skee ball.

• 12:32Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, they have a couple of things. Oh, man.

• 12:35Speaker 00

  Sounds like a woman.

• 12:35Matt McCusker?

  That's my wife. My wife found out.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 12:41Speaker 00

  Oh, great.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  All right.

• 12:51Matt McCusker?

  Oh, all right. Here we go. Hey. We're podcasting, man.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  We'll be right there.

• 12:57Matt McCusker?

  We're in a good place right now, dude. Come on. Dude, we're podcasting for real. You motherfucker. I what?

• 13:04Speaker 00

  It's like when the Raptors found out how to open the doors.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  It was just a funny joke.

• 13:15Matt McCusker?

  Hang tight. Hang tight. You can play a game. Wait till we cast. You can blaze. All right, later. Love you. Love you, babe. Love you so much. She's just off her period right now. It's gonna be so sick tonight.

• 13:26Speaker 00

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• 13:32Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

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• 13:54Matt McCusker?

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• 14:05Matt McCusker?

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• 14:24Speaker 00

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• 14:28Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  What do you know about Quince?

• 14:29Matt McCusker?

  I love Quince. I'll be, I'll be honest. They sent me the stuff and I, their boxers, they use like cot, like regular materials, not a lot of polyesters, natural fibers. I'm a, I'm a big fan.

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• 15:05Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  That's a bargain.

• 15:07Matt McCusker?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was Matt and Shane's secret podcast. It's the best way to support the show. Dude, I actually, this cracked me up the other day. I was, we were at home and she was washing, uh, Maya and Chloe's hair. She was washing Chloe's hair, uh, maybe Maya's. Chloe wanted to watch TV and she was like, I want to watch Gabby's dollhouse. And she clapped with every word. And I was like, did you see that? Brittany? And Brittany's like,

• 15:46Matt McCusker?

  yeah, she's black. And Chloe looked at Brittany and went, I'm not black. You're black. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Just for a two-year-old to be like, you're fucking black. I'm not black. Just so mad. She doesn't know what it means.

• 16:02Speaker 00

  My sister's, my sister's kids have struggled with this. My sister's kids have been like, why is she, when's she gonna turn black? To the white, to the white kid. And they're like, it's gonna be a while.

• 16:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 16:17Speaker 00

  How come she's not black yet?

• 16:21Matt McCusker?

  That's so sick. Just waiting. Like, I can't wait till my sister.

• 16:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, my sister's gonna be black soon. It's gonna be sick. Your sister's gonna turn black around two, three. That's when I first remember being black.

• 16:30Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man. God damn.

• 16:33Speaker 00

  The Blazer Tech Pizza's calling my name.

• 16:36Matt McCusker?

  They're gonna be, yeah. People were tearing them up, dude. They're gonna be.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  I'm gonna fucking rip it apart. I'm so hungry.

• 16:43Matt McCusker?

  Bro, I've been to a lot of kids, here's the thing. I've been to a lot of kids' parties and I've been eating like, just Play Place pizza and it's, it does fucking slap. It hit your, you eat a first slice and you're like, alright, yeah. Yeah, this fucking rules.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  Oh, man. I haven't done this since I was 12.

• 16:58Matt McCusker?

  Laser tag?

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:59Matt McCusker?

  Shoot. Dude, you're good. This is-

• 17:02Speaker 00

  It's been probably a decade for me. Last time I was here, my dad's cum was all over his pants.

• 17:09Speaker 00

  Literally thought about it. As soon as I put these pants on, I was like, ooh.

• 17:14Speaker 00

  I was driving over, driving over like, I've been wearing these for a while.

• 17:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:19Speaker 00

  That black light's not gonna be kind to us.

• 17:21Matt McCusker?

  My t-shirt-

• 17:21Speaker 00

  Team fat's gonna be in camo. Team fat's gonna be full camo.

• 17:26Matt McCusker?

  Why does cum glow? Also, why, who's cumming in their jeans? I don't understand. Are we sure it's cum?

• 17:34Speaker 00

  No, it turned out my dad had prostate cancer.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was like, would you cum your pants? He was like, no. And like a month later, he was like, I have cancer. I was like, oh, sorry, I was making fun of you.

• 17:45Matt McCusker?

  But that's a perfect excuse.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  It was whiz.

• 17:48Matt McCusker?

  Dude, there's no way. Wait, so whiz and cum shows up in the-

• 17:53Speaker 00

  It looked, it looked like it was a whiz. And the boy probably wasn't washing the trousers very often.

• 17:57Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:58Speaker 00

  That was probably like-

• 17:59Matt McCusker?

  Probably was whiz.

• 18:00Speaker 00

  That was like three months worth of-

• 18:01Matt McCusker?

  Bro, if he was just cumming like that-

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Elk's Lodge piss.

• 18:03Matt McCusker?

  If he was just cumming like that, I want prostate cancer.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  True.

• 18:06Matt McCusker?

  I'm just glazing, if I'm glazing pants-

• 18:10Matt McCusker?

  I mean, I should knock on wood.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  The strong increase your loads with cancer, that's great, man.

• 18:14Matt McCusker?

  Load max and prostate cancer? God, I can't wait. I fucking can't wait, dude.

• 18:20Speaker 00

  You wanna get in there?

• 18:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, let's tag, let's tag.

• 18:22Speaker 00

  Let's tag and see what happens.

• 18:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Come back sweaty.

• 18:25Matt McCusker?

  Right back, right back.

• 18:26Speaker 00

  We'll be right back.

• 18:28Speaker 05

  Hello to the audio listener. I just wanted to let you know that these sounds are from a video, a GoPro video of the Blazer Tag match.

• 18:43Matt McCusker?

  Oh, dude, I'm already out, I'm out, I'm out.

• 18:46Speaker 05

  And I will try to edit together and put out a full video from the Blazer Tag GoPro footage on the Patreon soon.

• 19:14Speaker 00

  Hey.

• 19:14Matt McCusker?

  What the heck?

• 19:16Speaker 00

  We're back.

• 19:17Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it feels like a lifetime ago.

• 19:20Speaker 00

  That was...

• 19:22Speaker 00

  Didn't think I was gonna be that sweaty.

• 19:23Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm dying.

• 19:24Speaker 00

  Good fucking god, dude.

• 19:26Matt McCusker?

  Dying, we had fucking long penis cheating.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  Immediately, everybody sprinting around.

• 19:30Matt McCusker?

  Ever, I mean dude, you can't not run. It's fucking, it's absolute war.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Long penis with the...

• 19:34Matt McCusker?

  Cheating, bro.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  One of the all-time cheats.

• 19:36Matt McCusker?

  Cheating.

• 19:38Speaker 00

  Long penis is Sean Gardini, he called himself. I was not cheating. You were not cheating? No, I was playing by the rules. Okay.

• 19:43Matt McCusker?

  Running?

• 19:43Speaker 00

  Running? No, I was moving swiftly. Running? Walking swiftly.

• 19:48Matt McCusker?

  I will say, I was, I was, I had a trick where people would get too close to me, I'm like, dude, my fucking gun's not even working. I did, sorry, I did it to Andy like five times.

• 19:56Speaker 00

  Also, Andy really held down the Terminator 2, uh... His moniker, he really lived up to it, he just, you could see him fucking walking around at... Just walking right at people.

• 20:09Matt McCusker?

  There's a movie, you go, dude, my fucking shit's off, and as soon as they wa- as soon as Andy walked past me, I'd be like, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Total snake, sorry Andy. I did it to like five different people, I'm like, fucking shit's not even working, dude.

• 20:21Speaker 00

  I was, I was, yeah.

• 20:22Matt McCusker?

  As soon as someone got the drop on me, I'm like, what the fuck, this shit sucks.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  Every alliance went out the window.

• 20:27Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 20:27Speaker 00

  Yours was the only one that stayed true.

• 20:28Matt McCusker?

  Who, who betrayed you?

• 20:29Speaker 00

  Right away, I, I asked him to ally.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  I never shot you once.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Spider did not ally with me.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  I didn't shoot you.

• 20:37Matt McCusker?

  Mother spider.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's supposed to spy.

• 20:42Matt McCusker?

  Cyta. Gave you that phone call. Cyta.

• 20:47Matt McCusker?

  So, Lemese, you betrayed.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  I didn't, I didn't betray.

• 20:49Speaker 00

  There was no real alliance, so...

• 20:50Speaker 02

  I said, okay, and then I just, I took my position.

• 20:53Matt McCusker?

  I tagged Big Unc a couple times, I know Unc got brought into the alliance.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  I was like, Unc, stay here, and we both shot him immediately.

• 21:00Matt McCusker?

  I saw Unc down in the mix, I was like, now I'm gonna grab a couple points off him.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  That was, uh, man.

• 21:07Matt McCusker?

  Dude, speaking of, uh-

• 21:08Speaker 00

  Laser tag rules.

• 21:09Matt McCusker?

  If laser tag-

• 21:11Speaker 00

  God damn.

• 21:12Matt McCusker?

  I want, dude, I want to formally challenge Dr. Mar to laser tag.

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Really?

• 21:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. He's in hot water right now.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  Why? What'd he do?

• 21:18Matt McCusker?

  Dude, his, uh, his alleged, although he did, uh, his alleged daughter, although I have reason to believe it could possibly be his daughter because he claimed to have paid child support her whole life, came out and was like, "You're a fucking deadbeat. Just give me my sister's number." Like, completely, you know Doc, you know Dr. Mar's?

• 21:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:34Matt McCusker?

  He's like, doesn't like interracial dating and all that stuff. Doesn't really like white people, I get the feeling.

• 21:39Speaker 00

  No, he seems to very openly dislike the Han-

• 21:42Matt McCusker?

  Dude, he, his daughter for real crushed him. Came out and was just like, "You're a fucking deadbeat. You're a loser. You shouldn't be, nobody should be listening to you." And then he came back, rather than being like, "I don't know who you are," which that'd be devastating to your strange daughter to do that, but he goes, he was saying something like, "Get your mom on the phone. We can hash this out." And he was saying like, "I'm, I'm sick of..." First of all, he goes, "You're either with me or against me on this. No more frenemies." He doesn't want any more frenemies, dude.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  I appreciate that. Next time, yeah, if my daughter ever confronts me for being deadbeat, I would be like, "I have no time. You're either with me or against me." That's fucking hilarious.

• 22:14Matt McCusker?

  And then he called her a struggle streamer, trying to get clout off of his nanny.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  Trying to get clout off her nanny.

• 22:19Matt McCusker?

  Called your strange daughter a struggle streamer.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  Phil's a fucking struggle streamer. I have the opposite. Phil's always trying to get clout. Every time we do the podcast at my house, he would walk down. He wanted clout. Now he gives away tickets. Every show I go to, there's fucking eight guys from the Elks in the green room.

• 22:34Matt McCusker?

  I know. That was killing me.

• 22:36Speaker 00

  Fucking unbelievable.

• 22:36Matt McCusker?

  That was fucking killing me.

• 22:37Speaker 00

  Shane, how about a little meet and greet? The guy's one of the top sales guys in Tampa. Could you meet him?

• 22:44Speaker 00

  No.

• 22:47Matt McCusker?

  That was, the list was crazy.

• 22:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, the list. He handed my, my manager a list that is forty people at every show.

• 22:56Speaker 00

  That was a wild night. Tampa was.

• 22:58Matt McCusker?

  It was awesome.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Tampa and Jacksonville. Tampa was. Wonderful. All those fucking studs were there.

• 23:04Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 23:05Speaker 00

  Aaron Judge's fucking big ass was there.

• 23:06Matt McCusker?

  He was fucking huge.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  He's still a unit. I was less starstruck this time.

• 23:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 23:11Speaker 00

  That was the first time, yeah, the last time when I met him at that game.

• 23:13Matt McCusker?

  Didn't you see him at a baseball game?

• 23:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I saw him, full Yankees uniform, just hit a giant homerun. In batting practice, came over, he was like, "What are you doing back there, big man?" I was like, "I saw you, uh, you just drilled that ball." I've never spazzed like that.

• 23:27Matt McCusker?

  Seeing him at the game would fuck, that would fuck you up.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  Talking to Bubbles here, I was a little.

• 23:30Matt McCusker?

  Bubbles is fucking me up.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  Taking him back.

• 23:33Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  I mean.

• 23:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he was fucking, that guy was.

• 23:36Speaker 00

  He's on the fucking videos, outside the bar, watch the videos, it's him fucking mixing drinks. Bubbles is the man.

• 23:42Matt McCusker?

  He gave me some good pointers.

• 23:43Speaker 00

  We might get Bubbles in this next game, I'm on his team, I call Bubbles team.

• 23:48Matt McCusker?

  Did he tell you about the zombie game?

• 23:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, that sounds fun.

• 23:50Matt McCusker?

  Zombies sound sick. Everyone's green, one red zombie, and then you spread, if you get hit by the zombie, you become a zombie as well. It's kinda sick. Although I don't know how you would cheat in that game.

• 24:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, how are you gonna cheat, long penis? I wasn't cheating. You, you were cheating. No, I wasn't cheating.

• 24:06Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you gotta bleep the GoPro. I was saying horrible faces.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  I was screaming on the GoPro. You shoot me, I was like.

• 24:17Speaker 00

  It was so funny, right, when everyone got in and was screaming.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  Soon as the doors opened, every dude, every dude in there was screaming and running. Then everyone got tired. Go five minutes left, you hear everyone go, "Oh, fuck." That was a long game. Longest fucking game of my life, dude.

• 24:39Matt McCusker?

  What was your strategy, Gardini? You were running guns?

• 24:41Speaker 00

  Stick and move.

• 24:43Matt McCusker?

  Stick and move?

• 24:44Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Stick and move fast. Yeah. You were running. Fat, well, swift. Swift walk. You were running. Run number one. I might have been running. I saw you run, that's fine, you cheated.

• 24:53Matt McCusker?

  Bubbles is on your ass for the next game.

• 24:56Speaker 00

  Well, that's concerning.

• 24:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he's gonna personally follow your run.

• 24:59Speaker 00

  I came here for a good time. And immediately guys take advantage of the rules.

• 25:05Speaker 00

  Man, I finished seventh. That's not bad. That's pretty good. Sucks.

• 25:11Matt McCusker?

  First game.

• 25:11Speaker 00

  I beat Spider? Fuck yeah. I lost a big, oh, I lost a, I lost a Nikki Blazer.

• 25:17Matt McCusker?

  Nikki Blazer.

• 25:20Speaker 00

  Adam Eget, I lost the Nikki Blazer by probably one shot. It was close. It was a close one. And you were camping. I was fully camping. After fucking two minutes, I was, I just, it was time to camp, dude. I was, I was camped and then I would run and gun. I would just get hit 50 fucking times. You hit in a lay down, which is a nice move.

• 25:41Matt McCusker?

  Lay down was pretty.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  That sounds like that's against the rules, yeah. That sounds like that's against rule number five. He's going, my fucking pack doesn't work.

• 25:52Speaker 00

  That's what Chris keeps saying. Chris keeps saying his gun was broken. That's why he didn't do it. He was Robocop. They changed his name to Robocop.

• 26:01Matt McCusker?

  Wait, his gun wasn't working, but he didn't come in very last place, did he?

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was, uh, the one, it happened to be the one female that was brought on. The pregnant female. Dead last. By a wide margin. I don't think, I don't think, she, she must not have been holding, she is eight months pregnant, which is.

• 26:16Matt McCusker?

  She, I felt, I felt terrible. I was, I was laying.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  That's what I want, the running around. Someone's gonna bump into her. The worst thing you want is something terrible to happen at a fucking laser tag.

• 26:27Matt McCusker?

  I startled the shit out of her. I was laying down behind a corner. She walked. I'm like, boop, boop, boop, boop, ah! So, I'm sorry about that. Sorry about that.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  Dude, if she does give birth in a laser tag, that's our, that's America's next emperor. It's chosen by God.

• 26:43Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 26:44Speaker 00

  If you give birth under the artificial fog and black lights of a laser tag.

• 26:49Matt McCusker?

  Just, just being that you're, that's your first image coming out into the world.

• 26:52Speaker 00

  Surrounded by Team Fats. Everyone, everyone's sweaty with packs on.

• 26:55Matt McCusker?

  My thing is, I'd be still racking up major points. I'd be, I'd be sitting there hitting her fucking censors while she's giving birth.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  Every single person would be sitting there going, alright dude, just fucking turn him out.

• 27:08Matt McCusker?

  Have some fucking respect.

• 27:11Matt McCusker?

  Yo, my pack's deactivated. You can't even shoot me right now.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  I shot you at the buzzer.

• 27:17Matt McCusker?

  You betrayed.

• 27:18Speaker 00

  I shot you at the buzzer. It was you, me and James there. They're going, three, two.

• 27:23Matt McCusker?

  Probably knocked me out of fuck. I thought James, I thought one of them hit me.

• 27:27Speaker 00

  No, that was me at the buzzer. I shot you. I betrayed you.

• 27:30Matt McCusker?

  Wow.

• 27:31Speaker 00

  I just want you to know, but this is me coming clean.

• 27:33Matt McCusker?

  I appreciate you coming clean.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Obviously, Blazer Tag is a game of nothing but treachery.

• 27:36Matt McCusker?

  I hear you.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Obviously, there was one ultimate cheater.

• 27:40Matt McCusker?

  Long penis.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Just so happened to be the champion.

• 27:43Matt McCusker?

  Bro.

• 27:44Speaker 00

  You cheated.

• 27:44Matt McCusker?

  It was crazy. Bubbles even said so. Bubbles was watching the footage. He's like, yo, for real, I might kick him out.

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Bubbles did bring it up, so we'll see.

• 27:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. He might address it. We'll see.

• 27:53Speaker 00

  James, interesting technique.

• 27:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, James is a big hiding behind the slot kind of guy.

• 28:01Speaker 03

  So blind my enemies with body odor. That's my great. I did find something out. So I think the reason

• 28:08Speaker 03

  there was a corner in the top, and if you try and shoot across the whole arena, it looks like you're shooting somebody, but then you don't actually get to tag him. And the guy, I asked the guy that, who's asked Bubbles.

• 28:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:18Speaker 03

  And he said, a lot of top professional players do notice that. It felt pretty good.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  A lot of professionals.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  He said, there's two lasers. There's an invisible laser that does the hitting, and it doesn't work at distance. So where you two were, if you're shooting people on the other side,

• 28:29Speaker 00

  I was.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  you're not getting points for it. That's why you're seeing the laser hit him.

• 28:32Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I was wondering. I was tagging people.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  I knew there was a glitch, because I was definitely killing people.

• 28:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was tagging.

• 28:38Speaker 03

  Now you know. Now we know that long distance doesn't work the same way.

• 28:41Matt McCusker?

  Close quarters.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  New rules, though. If somebody is running, you are allowed to tackle.

• 28:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, for sure. Trip, trip or tackle.

• 28:47Speaker 00

  Trip or tackle, for sure.

• 28:49Matt McCusker?

  If they're laying on their stomach, you can step on their back.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  If you're running, T2, T2's gonna walk over to where you are. Fucking smash you.

• 28:59Matt McCusker?

  Andy, what was your, what was your rank?

• 29:00Speaker 00

  He was flying.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  I was like at the, how many was there? Thirteen?

• 29:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was probably at like eight or nine.

• 29:09Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 29:10Speaker 00

  But that was pretty good for a guy who was standing, you weren't even crouching remotely. You were slowly walking.

• 29:15Matt McCusker?

  He was walking.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  And he was wearing red, he was like a red coat.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  I had absolutely zero strategy.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  He marched like a red coat the whole time.

• 29:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, the lights were bouncing on my skin perfectly.

• 29:26Speaker 02

  You guys were camping the whole time.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  We did camp.

• 29:28Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we took, we, we took a strong one.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  Cause I kept doing laps and I'm like, you guys are still here? Cool.

• 29:33Matt McCusker?

  I was, I was patrolling like an L shape. I would come here, come there, come here. And then I'd wander off, run back.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  You cheated.

• 29:40Matt McCusker?

  Bro, please, Sean.

• 29:40Speaker 00

  Don't be confident.

• 29:41Matt McCusker?

  Sean, I'm gonna for real follow you the whole time now. I'm gonna, I'm gonna sacrifice my whole game. I'll be last place and I'm just gonna take you down to like fourth place. That's okay. I'm gonna do that.

• 29:51Speaker 00

  Damn, guard dog's confident.

• 29:52Matt McCusker?

  Dude, he's. No, there's nothing wrong with fourth place. If I shadowed him, dude. Fourth place is nice. Huh? Fourth place I'm happy with. Bro. One first, one fourth. If I shadowed, he wouldn't be fourth. One first place, one fourth place. Bubbles, Bubbles scrubbed that from the record, it doesn't count.

• 30:08Speaker 00

  Bubbles did bring up, he was like long penis, he had his eye on you. Just so you know.

• 30:12Matt McCusker?

  He was like, guys, I, he's a guy that I appreciate.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Was all over long penis.

• 30:17Matt McCusker?

  He took us aside. He was like, guys, for real, I'm glad you guys aren't fun and shit, but that guy's, like, if this wasn't a private event.

• 30:23Speaker 00

  It was a pregnant woman.

• 30:26Matt McCusker?

  It's the battlefield.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  He fucking knocks her over. I saw you knock her over. She didn't wanna talk about it cause you were like, you fucking tell anyone, I'll fucking kill you. You held her laser pointer.

• 30:37Speaker 00

  You tell anyone about this, I'll fucking kill you.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  One actual kill.

• 30:45Matt McCusker?

  Bubbles was walking by, just covered her mouth and shh.

• 30:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you were, I, I'd never seen that side of you, man. It was like.

• 30:52Speaker 00

  It's fucked up. It's a weird side to see. Like you bring a friend, you put him in any type of competitive situation, he instantly cheats.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  It's fucking crazy. The two, who would've thought? The two biggest cheaters right there.

• 31:10Matt McCusker?

  James cheated at my birthday. I was fucking pissed about it.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  You cheated at your birthday?

• 31:15Speaker 03

  I did not cheat one time.

• 31:19Speaker 00

  You do have that dork scamper though. You run around. He's got a full dork run.

• 31:23Speaker 03

  It's a beautiful movement that pays off. Happy with a strong second. There's daylight between the two of us. And I didn't cheat.

• 31:31Matt McCusker?

  Second, third, whatever.

• 31:33Speaker 00

  I guess we'll see. But you two are the captains for next game.

• 31:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. You gotta pick teams.

• 31:38Speaker 00

  It can't be random. That would not be fair. If the guys who cheat versus the fats.

• 31:43Matt McCusker?

  Cheaters versus fats?

• 31:45Speaker 00

  I'm not on fucking Terminator scene.

• 31:50Speaker 00

  That's actually a strong move.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  Everyone behind Terminator.

• 31:53Matt McCusker?

  That's not a bad idea.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  That we just invented. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. We're all gonna cheat and scream as soon as everybody, as soon as we got in the room. By the way, shout out to Blazer Tag Pizza.

• 32:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I told you, dude. It fucking hits.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  We did it. How long have we been going? We gotta get back in.

• 32:12Matt McCusker?

  Fifteen, well, thirteen minutes.

• 32:13Speaker 00

  Oh shit.

• 32:14Matt McCusker?

  Sixteen, sixteen minutes for the first one, so we're about a half hour. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, I got here.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  I can think about this.

• 32:22Matt McCusker?

  I know. This is a, we, next time we need like an eight hour all day pass. Need a tag for like-

• 32:28Speaker 00

  Still have an hour and a half.

• 32:28Matt McCusker?

  Three hours.

• 32:31Speaker 00

  Bubbles is not afraid to give you a speech.

• 32:34Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  We love BetterHelp.

• 32:38Matt McCusker?

  Is, love ButterHelp. As nice as it would be-

• 32:41Speaker 00

  To help with the butter on it.

• 32:44Speaker 00

  ButterHelp.

• 32:45Matt McCusker?

  As nice as it would be, you don't have all the answers. Prompt for a host riff. I struggled with, dot, dot, dot. Um, I personally, I don't like to get into this, but I struggled with deep sexual feelings for amphibians. Until I, until I got help from-

• 33:02Speaker 00

  ButterHelp.

• 33:02Matt McCusker?

  BetterHelp, ButterHelp.

• 33:04Speaker 00

  ButterHelp.

• 33:05Matt McCusker?

  And we overcame that struggle because they were like, it was like a stern father, like, oh, you wanna smoke cigarettes? Well, how about you do a hundred of them until you don't like them anymore?

• 33:12Speaker 00

  You wanna have sex with frogs all the time?

• 33:16Matt McCusker?

  ButterHelp said, how about you do a hundred of them, tough guy?

• 33:19Speaker 00

  Box him a hundred frogs and you don't come out of that room until you cream by every one of those fuckers mouths.

• 33:24Matt McCusker?

  I said, but ButterHelp.

• 33:32Matt McCusker?

  It's important that you have a good support system. You know, people you can go to when the going gets tough. Like your therapist from Butter Hill.

• 33:44Matt McCusker?

  They're always nice to have in your corner because there are times when you can't go to your family or friends.

• 33:49Speaker 00

  Can't tell your family about those frogs. Can't tell anyone about that. You gotta go to Butter Hill.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  You gotta get on a Zoom call and go, I wanna fuck frogs. They go, holy shit, we gotta help.

• 34:04Matt McCusker?

  Trust the professional. Oh my god. Yes, we already riffed. We riffed with things that helped us. Therapy is great because, I mean, dude, after I stopped my whole thing with those amphibians, my social skills were much more positive. I overcame those problems and I learned how to reach out. I learned how to reach out for help in a safe space. So if you wanna try, if you wanna give therapy a try and you're not sure where to begin, check out Butter Hill.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  Still can't, still can't really go near any bodies of water, you know?

• 34:32Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 34:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, because of, due to the possibility of a frog would send me into a frenzy.

• 34:38Matt McCusker?

  Oh, bro, trust me. When you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog, but you hear it jump into the water, I go, I just wanna fucking drink it after and bring that thing out. Hopefully I kiss it and it turns into a prince.

• 34:51Matt McCusker?

  Guys, check out BetterHelp. It's fully online, so easy to get started. And they have access to a wide range of credentialed therapists, over 30,000 with all sorts of different specialties.

• 35:01Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 35:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, guys, guys. Sorry, I had some motherfucking boogers.

• 35:04Speaker 00

  It's alright.

• 35:05Matt McCusker?

  Check out Build Your Support System. Build Your Support System with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash MSSP to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash MSSP.

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, and all jokes aside, BetterHelp's a great company.

• 35:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, they do fucking rock with this.

• 35:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, they do rock.

• 35:28Matt McCusker?

  Thank you, Butter Hill.

• 35:29Speaker 00

  Butter Hill.

• 35:30Matt McCusker?

  Ah, dude, yeah, next time, it's like we already saw the video. I do, this is a, this is a fun topic that I came across the other day. There's, there's a restless leg medication that's been causing women to do like horrible sexual stuff. So like, like there's just like-

• 35:44Speaker 00

  I know someone that's taken some restless-

• 35:46Matt McCusker?

  Really, watch them dude. It's like, they're all like, there was ladies who were taking it, like 50, 40, 60 year old ladies who were on this medication and then like, they would fake go to work and just like, show their tits to strangers and like, like troll, they would start trolling for sex.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  They got restless tit syndrome.

• 36:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, restless tits.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  You gotta get those things out.

• 36:04Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it'd be like, it would be like, uh, one of your aunts would just take this, take these meds and just like, leave Sunday mass and start like, trolling a city and trying to get blowjobs to strangers. Off the meds, for like, a couple of years.

• 36:14Speaker 00

  Shout out to Big Pharma for that one.

• 36:15Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  Thank you, Big Pharma.

• 36:17Matt McCusker?

  And then they came off of it and they were just like, what the fuck did I, symptoms went away immediately. Imagine dude, if like, three of your aunts were just gobbling dude, for like, three years. Hitting like, the L in Philly. And just fucking-

• 36:30Speaker 00

  Oh my god. Just a nice lady, just a normal lady.

• 36:36Matt McCusker?

  Dude, kids are in college, you take the restless leg meds and you just cheat on your fucking husband like, 45 times in a year. You just meet dudes in the Home Depot bathroom and just fucking blow them in the back.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 36:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I read the whole thing about it, it was pretty crazy.

• 36:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:53Matt McCusker?

  I had RLS, thank fucking god, I think actually, maybe I did take that for a while. I might have been on the RLS for my entire twenties, and some of my-

• 37:03Speaker 00

  Got damn restless legs in you, throwing the whole room off. Me and you get to talk about that every day. You guys aren't together, what the fuck, why are you guys touching elbows, you're throwing me off, you're throwing the whole room off.

• 37:16Matt McCusker?

  Ah, fuck. Just finally getting out of like, a multi-month bomb.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  You spilled water in your eye.

• 37:23Matt McCusker?

  Sprashing fucking water in my eye. I know. It's not the first time, the other time I just straight up missed my mouth and just poured it all down my shirt and the little boy and I was like-

• 37:32Speaker 00

  That was the RLS medicine.

• 37:33Matt McCusker?

  That might have been the RLS medicine.

• 37:34Speaker 00

  You took a facial.

• 37:35Matt McCusker?

  I was thinking about my next victim dude. My next suck.

• 37:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, so we got that going on.

• 37:43Speaker 00

  That's hilarious.

• 37:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I was pretty pumped about that. Keep an eye on your fucking alties, y'all. Keep an eye on your motherfucking alties.

• 37:50Speaker 00

  Dump that medicine right down the drain.

• 37:53Matt McCusker?

  For real. They don't know about that. Let me dude imagine you're just watching the VMAs with your alties. And they're just getting, they're seeing like JT's fucking Tina's dude.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  Seeing that guy flip. Who's that guy who does flips off the piano? Uh, oh, Blazer Tag. Nicki Blazer ripped his clothes off at the VMAs.

• 38:12Speaker 00

  I forget his name. The guy who sings.

• 38:14Matt McCusker?

  I know who you're talking about.

• 38:21Matt McCusker?

  It's like, yeah, it's like girl. It's like, uh, yeah, like girl rock.

• 38:24Speaker 00

  Fairly accurate.

• 38:25Matt McCusker?

  Passionate girl rock.

• 38:25Speaker 00

  It is girl rock, yeah. Benson Boom.

• 38:28Matt McCusker?

  That's kind of an unfair, like, you can, now you can just like take a formula and just create those songs and like girls will like every, like literally every single one. These beautiful things that I can. I like this song. I like this song. Listen, listen to the words. Song fucking sucks.

• 38:45Speaker 00

  You listen to the words. You listen to the words of Edmund Fitzgerald. You think about the chef. Think about the cook coming in saying, fellas, it's been good to know you. After the main hatchway gave in. You dumb bitch.

• 39:00Matt McCusker?

  Fine, I'll listen, but we're actually gonna sync up Dark Side of the Moon and the Wizard of Oz after this and you gotta watch the whole fucking thing.

• 39:07Speaker 00

  I, uh, I'm trying to listen to audiobooks at night and women, women don't exactly like it.

• 39:12Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 39:12Speaker 00

  Trying to listen to the Guns of August last night.

• 39:14Matt McCusker?

  Put it on?

• 39:16Speaker 00

  Not a big hit.

• 39:17Matt McCusker?

  What the hell? What happened?

• 39:19Speaker 00

  Uh, just a sleepy woman going, what? What is she talking about? And I was like, uh, King George died and it was kind of the last time all the Royals were together in London and, you know, they're all related and.

• 39:31Matt McCusker?

  Turn the fuck off.

• 39:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, the mutual audiobook is tough.

• 39:37Speaker 00

  I listened to, uh, my girlfriend's friend stayed in our hotel room. Nothing.

• 39:42Matt McCusker?

  A little restless, like, they're on the meds.

• 39:44Speaker 00

  She is, they were on the meds. But it was after SNL and she was like, I'm gonna take a nap before I go home. So she, cause it was 6 a.m.

• 39:51Matt McCusker?

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:51Speaker 00

  And I was like, alright, this is what I listen to when I sleep. And I put on rain noises.

• 39:55Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  And her friend honestly thought I was listening to applause. She thought I was, and she didn't, she didn't really mention it.

• 40:04Matt McCusker?

  He thought you needed to stand in O to fall asleep?

• 40:07Speaker 00

  She genuinely thought I was going to sleep to applause.

• 40:10Speaker 00

  And now I can't listen to the fucking rain thing anymore, cause it sounds exactly like applause. She was fucking right.

• 40:16Matt McCusker?

  You need to stand in O to pass out. I need to stand in O.

• 40:25Matt McCusker?

  It's rain, you hear the trickles.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  Obviously rain, maybe across the room in a hotel.

• 40:29Matt McCusker?

  Oh, there you go.

• 40:29Speaker 00

  Is that fucking applause?

• 40:31Matt McCusker?

  With some distance, it sounds like applause. Cause you can hear the trickles.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:36Matt McCusker?

  That's, maybe a babbling brook.

• 40:38Speaker 00

  I'm gonna have to switch it up, get some thunder in there or something.

• 40:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  There's nothing wrong with listening to that at bedtime.

• 41:04Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that could trigger an exorcism.

• 41:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's, I've done that, I've done the audiobook at nighttime, it's like, what, what is this?

• 41:14Speaker 00

  What are you listening to?

• 41:16Matt McCusker?

  Fine.

• 41:16Speaker 00

  It's about how World War I started, I wanna have a better understanding.

• 41:19Matt McCusker?

  How, are you still listening?

• 41:21Speaker 00

  So we don't fucking fall into it again.

• 41:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Are you still listening to that? Like, yes, it's fucking on, I'm still listening to it.

• 41:29Speaker 00

  Oh, I had a fucking bug crawl across me. In the middle of the night. You know this is one of my deepest fears.

• 41:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what happened?

• 41:34Speaker 00

  It fucking woke me up, the thing was huge.

• 41:36Matt McCusker?

  Was it in the hotel?

• 41:37Speaker 00

  No, it was in, yeah, yeah.

• 41:40Speaker 00

  It literally went up the side and I was like, no!

• 41:43Matt McCusker?

  Are you serious?

• 41:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:44Matt McCusker?

  And it wasn't, it wasn't like a night?

• 41:45Speaker 00

  I don't think it was a night, I felt it. It like woke me up, I could feel it on me.

• 41:50Matt McCusker?

  Kind of bug, what kind of creepy crawler you're talking about?

• 41:51Speaker 00

  I didn't get to see the crawler, which was made for a worse evening. Cause then I was flashlight out, looking under the blankets, laying down. I was like, I didn't wanna tell her, I couldn't be like, giant spiders in our bed.

• 42:03Matt McCusker?

  No way.

• 42:04Speaker 00

  Cause there has been a giant spider in the pool house.

• 42:10Matt McCusker?

  That'd be a hot new cuck genre where spider just fucking literally laser tags your wife. Spider just runs.

• 42:15Speaker 00

  Spider no.

• 42:17Matt McCusker?

  I just hold the camera like, yeah spider.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  And then you suck the cream pie.

• 42:22Matt McCusker?

  Oh fuck, I need you to fart spider. Oh fuck dude, uh, you love that fucking smell babe. I'm not having fun anymore.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  It's not even that fun. Uh, me and, me and Adam had, and James had a nice date yesterday.

• 42:38Matt McCusker?

  Oh, what'd you do?

• 42:38Speaker 00

  We went and saw, uh, Friendship, the new, uh, bro. It's the funniest. It's gonna be the funniest movie. When's it come out? May. Well, I'm looking forward to May.

• 42:50Matt McCusker?

  I can't wait to see it again.

• 42:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm gonna see that again. That was.

• 42:53Matt McCusker?

  Friendship and French onion boys.

• 42:56Speaker 00

  No, no, no. Don't tell them. Don't tell them that we all got French onion soup after we saw a movie and discussed the movie.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  We had DeRosa in there. It was a good squad.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  I was, everyone else was laughing and having a good time. I was so sad.

• 43:10Speaker 00

  James took it to heart, yeah.

• 43:11Speaker 03

  I took it to heart and then I spoke to the, the director came up afterwards. I said, I was, I was devastated and he was so happy.

• 43:17Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 43:17Speaker 03

  I said, your comedy made me very upset. And he was like, oh.

• 43:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, good.

• 43:21Speaker 03

  He was really pleased.

• 43:22Matt McCusker?

  He liked that.

• 43:23Speaker 03

  It's a very, it's like a very eight twenty-four drama sad.

• 43:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  But very, it's so funny. It's very funny. I got a sad movie.

• 43:29Speaker 00

  Unbelievably funny.

• 43:31Speaker 03

  I might be over sensitive. I feel I have mild PTSD after doing the shooting. After being in that room with the light, there was so much killing. There was like seven minutes there where I was like.

• 43:42Speaker 03

  So I might just be experiencing everything in a sensitive way. I'm a sensitive boy.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, but to see that movie and be like, that fucked me up is crazy. The movie's hilarious.

• 43:54Matt McCusker?

  It looked, the trailer looks awesome.

• 43:55Speaker 00

  It's everything, it's for you.

• 43:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I can't wait.

• 43:58Speaker 00

  You're gonna fucking think it's the funniest movie.

• 44:00Matt McCusker?

  I saw the trailer and I was like, this is, this looks phenomenal.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's gotta be, it's up there, it's, yeah. Comedy movies are back.

• 44:08Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 44:08Speaker 00

  In a big way.

• 44:09Matt McCusker?

  Pendulum swung.

• 44:10Speaker 00

  Pendulum swung.

• 44:11Matt McCusker?

  Pendulum's fully swung.

• 44:12Speaker 00

  Maybe too far. Head down to the mothership, you go, oop.

• 44:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 44:16Speaker 00

  Pendulum's, maybe it swung a little too far. Not everyone has to say it.

• 44:20Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  Every single set.

• 44:24Matt McCusker?

  Dude, the, uh, I, I, I think we're in like the seven, we're in like the new version of the seventies now. We've left like the, we had like a version of the sixties, like the hippie dream, which was just like state sponsored, basically propaganda at this point, but just like the super woke stuff. It's completely falling apart. Now we're in the seventies.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  Now I got evil hippies.

• 44:40Matt McCusker?

  Exactly. And then we're about to hit the eighties pretty soon, which will be sweet.

• 44:44Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 44:44Matt McCusker?

  We're about to have a new eighties. The nineties are gonna be the eighties.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  We're gonna be dying during the nineties, which is a good time to die.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Nineties are the best one, I think.

• 44:50Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 44:50Speaker 00

  It's a good time to die.

• 44:51Matt McCusker?

  So when we're fifty, we're all gonna be in the nineties, it's gonna be sick as hell. Sixty, yeah.

• 44:58Speaker 00

  It's alright.

• 44:59Speaker 03

  Nine eleven's gonna be really rough. It's gonna be.

• 45:02Matt McCusker?

  Maybe we'll do it though, maybe it'll be ours.

• 45:04Speaker 00

  He's a downer.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  I'm sorry.

• 45:09Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you think the Middle East will still be there in the new nineties, dude? It's always gonna be casinos.

• 45:13Speaker 00

  Be the Riviera.

• 45:14Matt McCusker?

  Be Trump casinos.

• 45:17Speaker 00

  It's gonna be the other Riviera of the Mediterranean.

• 45:20Matt McCusker?

  VR, you'll do like a, it'll be, nine eleven will be like a ride at Universal Studios, you'll be in the building.

• 45:28Matt McCusker?

  If you have the lightning pass, it'll be like, hey, we actually know about an attack, we're gonna get you guys out.

• 45:38Matt McCusker?

  It's coming.

• 45:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, Tower Seven will be the haunted one that just drop out of nowhere.

• 45:45Matt McCusker?

  The Tower of Terror.

• 45:46Speaker 00

  Terror, you just go, oh, we're dropping somehow.

• 45:48Matt McCusker?

  Tower Seven of Terror.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Against all odds, we're dropping.

• 45:50Matt McCusker?

  Oh my god.

• 45:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'll be awesome. But yeah, yeah, it definitely, it's heartening news. We are, the pendulum's fully swung.

• 46:00Speaker 00

  Pendulum swung.

• 46:01Matt McCusker?

  The dream broke, but the residue of it, just like the hippie dream will still, you know, kinda saturate the culture, but it'll just be like breakfast, it'll like blend into like ice cream stuff.

• 46:12Speaker 00

  Damn, the hipsters were kinda fun at first.

• 46:14Matt McCusker?

  Huh?

• 46:14Speaker 00

  You remember like two thousand ten?

• 46:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  They were kind of a nice, nice group of people.

• 46:19Matt McCusker?

  It was Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist.

• 46:20Speaker 00

  It was.

• 46:21Matt McCusker?

  And then they.

• 46:22Speaker 00

  And I was at the right age to be gay enough for it. I fucking loved that shit.

• 46:27Matt McCusker?

  What would you love about it?

• 46:29Speaker 00

  I just liked all the music.

• 46:30Matt McCusker?

  Freedom, yeah. The dawn of a new age.

• 46:33Speaker 00

  I liked the gay music. LCD sound system still rules.

• 46:35Matt McCusker?

  Shit does fucking roll.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  All that.

• 46:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that shit rules. Yeah, I don't know what happened. I'm telling you dude, it was Occupy Wall Street and then it just total psyop and they turned into still, still wearing masks today, which is it's unsettling. When you see a guy, just a dude by, it's like, it's like maybe you're visiting your grandma, but like, I don't know. I've said it before. If you're grand, if you're like a grandmom or grandfather and you're worried about that, it's like, I think you've kind of failed at life.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, why don't you shut up?

• 47:00Matt McCusker?

  You're just a pussy. It's like if you're 80 and you're worried about COVID, you've, you're a pussy. Even if you don't die of COVID, you're gonna be a pussy.

• 47:06Speaker 00

  Definitely the people that should be worried about though.

• 47:09Matt McCusker?

  For sure.

• 47:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:10Matt McCusker?

  But it's, can you imagine being 80?

• 47:11Speaker 00

  You don't want to die like that. You don't want to die. Well, I guess they all do die of pneumonia.

• 47:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 47:15Speaker 00

  Eventually, yeah.

• 47:16Matt McCusker?

  You can't be scared of death by the time you're 80. I mean, it's, it's close. It's easier said than done, obviously, but I, dude, when you're like making your grandkids get like experimental therapeutics.

• 47:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:28Matt McCusker?

  So they can chill with you.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  I don't think that many grandparents were doing that. I think the grandparents were like, why can't they come inside?

• 47:34Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 47:34Speaker 00

  I want to hold my grandson. He's outside of the window because of Dr. Fauci.

• 47:42Matt McCusker?

  I did my part. What up Nate?

• 47:44Speaker 00

  What up big unk?

• 47:47Matt McCusker?

  We're just all coming clean here. Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry. I shouldn't, I shouldn't rag on 80 year olds, but I, I just, I pray by the time I'm 80, I'm not going to be scared of some fucking bullshit ass.

• 47:55Speaker 00

  I'm not trying to take like the moral high ground. I'm just thinking of when I was eight, when I was 80, if I was ever 80.

• 47:59Matt McCusker?

  Past life transgression.

• 48:00Speaker 00

  No shot.

• 48:02Matt McCusker?

  I, I, I hope by the time I'm 80, I'm truly not afraid of death. I, I hope I will be.

• 48:07Speaker 00

  Trying to get to 40. I'm staring 40 now going, holy shit.

• 48:12Matt McCusker?

  Oh yeah. You gotta get on the fucking good foot.

• 48:16Speaker 00

  It's time.

• 48:16Matt McCusker?

  It's time.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  It's time to get a blood panel. That's gonna be a real bummer.

• 48:20Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, trust me. I got mine. Mine was not great.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's gonna be a bummer.

• 48:25Matt McCusker?

  Although right now I'm, I'm, I've said it before, but I, I always stray from this. I don't care about aesthetics. I'm going just performance. I go, I toggle back and forth. It's like, could I just become an Adonis? And then I just get fatter every day and I go, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. So I'm, I'm going just pure performance now. I don't, I don't, it doesn't care weight. Don't care. I don't care about any of that. I'm just care, I'm caring about mile times, hang time. I mean, I think I got like a one, I think a 140 hang time, whatever. It's not a big deal, but.

• 48:53Matt McCusker?

  It's fucking hard.

• 48:53Speaker 00

  I believe you, yeah, it's cool.

• 48:56Matt McCusker?

  Probably could talk about fitness shit, dude.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  Hang time's tough, dude, that does blow.

• 49:01Matt McCusker?

  Hang time's hard, it's hard.

• 49:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:03Matt McCusker?

  I'm in a, I'm in a stiff competition with Billy right now. Billy got one.

• 49:06Speaker 00

  You might get him on the hang time.

• 49:08Matt McCusker?

  Did you ever see his fucking hands?

• 49:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, but he's big.

• 49:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but he's got fucking fat.

• 49:12Speaker 00

  He does have paws.

• 49:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he is for real, like, dog paws. So, I, right now, I'm, we're tied, but I, I gotta overtake him for sure. In the hang time. It's weird, they're saying like, that's all that matters, everyone's worried about COVID, but they're like, if your thighs are jacked and you can squeeze stuff really hard, you're not gonna die. So.

• 49:31Speaker 00

  I actually believe that.

• 49:32Matt McCusker?

  I'm telling you, they're saying if you have like-

• 49:34Speaker 00

  Thank god I have jack thighs.

• 49:35Matt McCusker?

  Grip strength, exactly, they're saying grip strength and like, muscle density in your legs are a bigger indicator-

• 49:41Speaker 00

  Jack thighs win the grip strength every time at Rogan's, other than Rogan, not a big deal.

• 49:45Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, man, so.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  Fuck you looking at, Adam, your ass lost.

• 49:49Matt McCusker?

  Well, what was, what's the poundage on the grip strength?

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Uh, I think I got, it was like 145 last time.

• 49:56Matt McCusker?

  That's good.

• 49:57Speaker 00

  And then, no one could beat it, so I only went once. I was like, alright, good.

• 50:01Matt McCusker?

  That's good.

• 50:02Speaker 00

  First try.

• 50:03Matt McCusker?

  I'm on your, I'm on your bumper right now.

• 50:05Speaker 00

  I believe it.

• 50:07Matt McCusker?

  I'm on your bumper.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  You better not be on my bumper.

• 50:09Matt McCusker?

  I'm on your bumper right now.

• 50:10Speaker 00

  If any Democrats out there say something mean about Donald Trump, I'm on your bumper.

• 50:17Speaker 00

  They, they better chill with making that kid famous, cuz-

• 50:20Matt McCusker?

  What do you think's gonna happen?

• 50:21Speaker 00

  Same thing that happens to everybody.

• 50:23Matt McCusker?

  I might, I might-

• 50:24Speaker 00

  It's gonna be a nasty story about that sweet angel.

• 50:27Matt McCusker?

  Joe, god, no.

• 50:29Speaker 00

  He's gonna shoot an unarmed white kid.

• 50:32Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  That'd be fair.

• 50:34Matt McCusker?

  I could see that, I could see them doing some nasty false flag like that against him. I'd be on their bumper, I'd be on the CIA's bumper if that happens.

• 50:41Speaker 00

  You're already on the CIA's bumper. They're probably on your bumper after they found out that fucking hang time, they're probably like, holy shit, it's Jason Bourne.

• 50:48Speaker 00

  He's a sleeper cell.

• 50:51Matt McCusker?

  Nah, I'm, I'm definitely on the CIA's bumper.

• 50:53Speaker 00

  I just got a fucking laser tag on the brain.

• 50:55Matt McCusker?

  I do too.

• 50:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, let's get a, let's get a post-game.

• 51:00Matt McCusker?

  One more tag, for sure.

• 51:01Speaker 00

  We'll be right back, one more laser tag.

• 51:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, good call, we don't gotta watch the video again.

• 51:11Speaker 06

  So, I, uh, before we continue, I do have one thing to announce. I have it on good authority that the long penis did in fact cheat. I fucking knew it! Long penis!

• 51:33Speaker 06

  That's with the cameras. Talk to the confessional.

• 51:36Speaker 00

  We got footage of the whole thing. It was terrible.

• 51:40Speaker 06

  Alright. So, what the fuck, our dog?

• 51:48Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Mint Mobile.

• 51:52Matt McCusker?

  Mint took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with premium wireless for 15 bucks a month.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  No gimmicks, no gotchas. You can even bring your current phone and your number. Go to mintmobile.com/drenched.

• 52:08Matt McCusker?

  Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months. Plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50GB may slow when network is busy. Includes up to 20GB of hotspot. Capable devices required. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 52:28Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by Viori.

• 52:31Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 52:31Matt McCusker?

  I've been wearing the Sunday Performance Joggers, and I'll be honest, I didn't expect to have opinions about joggers, but I do.

• 52:37Speaker 00

  Oh, I know you do.

• 52:38Matt McCusker?

  Well, they're soft, lightweight, and have four-way stretch, so they can move with you with no restriction. They're technically workout clothes, so you can train in them, but they don't look like workout clothes. You can wear them out, and people will think you've got your life together. Honestly, they're comfier than whatever you're wearing right now, unless you're already wearing Viori, in which case, respect.

• 53:02Speaker 00

  And with the holidays coming up, Viori makes gift-giving easy. Uh, I was close to that. Uh, whether it's the Sunday collection or the Strato collection, their bestsellers are go-to gifts for everyone on your list, including yourself. Get 20% off your first purchase at viori.com/secret and discover the versatility of Viori clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.

• 53:23Matt McCusker?

  Just a smell vibe in here right now.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  That's the blazer room, post-game locker room.

• 53:27Matt McCusker?

  We need showers here. We gotta get a pro team going. We could put in the work and get a pro team.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  We got two of the best cheaters in America.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  We weren't cheating.

• 53:37Matt McCusker?

  What's the, what's like the um...

• 53:40Speaker 00

  Straight to the balcony.

• 53:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what do you do? What's like the game plan?

• 53:42Speaker 00

  The game plan is, so the rules are you're not allowed to leave the floor. Instantly leaves the floor.

• 53:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, somebody went to the towers. Big time.

• 53:51Speaker 00

  Wasn't me. You weren't up there? I defend cheating. How did I see you up there? I don't know. Must have been a mirage or something. You must have been loopy from the battle. Oh man, that sucks. And I'm not against cheating. That's disgusting, you're a liar.

• 54:03Matt McCusker?

  James was on the ground, I could say. I saw James on the ground the whole time.

• 54:07Speaker 00

  If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.

• 54:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well you can move up. Yeah, the floor was lava then, you had to move up.

• 54:12Speaker 00

  The floor was lava.

• 54:15Speaker 00

  The balconies were lava. Somebody is lava-proof.

• 54:19Matt McCusker?

  Dude, La Mer, dude, they went five-minute warning, La Mer was on level three already. I was like, I was...

• 54:24Speaker 02

  I was on level two.

• 54:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, exactly. La Mer was cheating up there.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  I was on level two.

• 54:29Matt McCusker?

  Cheating.

• 54:29Speaker 02

  I started walking up the ramp.

• 54:30Speaker 00

  Thanks for being a man and admitting it.

• 54:31Speaker 02

  I started walking up the ramp.

• 54:33Speaker 00

  Sad.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  Like thirty seconds before, and then there was five-minute warning.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  You shot me from the ramp, I watched you do it.

• 54:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude. Nah, I didn't go up the ramp. Defensively, that was weird. I was just trying to be joking.

• 54:43Matt McCusker?

  You went early? You went up early?

• 54:45Speaker 00

  I thought it was fun.

• 54:46Matt McCusker?

  Sean, well that's not how the blue team does it, dude.

• 54:48Speaker 00

  That's not blue stuff. I know, but it was, I thought it'd be fun.

• 54:50Matt McCusker?

  I thought about it, I was tempted, but I waited. That guy was like...

• 54:54Speaker 00

  I got stuck in that corner, I couldn't get up there.

• 54:55Matt McCusker?

  That corner was nice though.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  I knew I kept trying to go to that ramp.

• 54:57Matt McCusker?

  Corner was nice.

• 54:59Speaker 00

  True. Corner was nice.

• 55:00Matt McCusker?

  The guy was policing the ramp too. I was like, I'd be like, I'm taking it, and I would see that guy, I'm like, fuck.

• 55:05Speaker 00

  Next time, I'm putting bubbles in there, get him on the ramp.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  Anyway, what else is going on?

• 55:12Matt McCusker?

  Not much, man. I'm uh, fuck, what else is going on? Dude, how was SNL?

• 55:16Speaker 00

  There we go.

• 55:17Matt McCusker?

  You could talk about that.

• 55:17Speaker 00

  I got that.

• 55:18Matt McCusker?

  There we go. After a week in laser tag.

• 55:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laser tag's more important. It was, it was easier the second time.

• 55:27Matt McCusker?

  That's nice.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  But the one thing that sucks is you know what's coming the second time. So the first time you go through and you're like, alright, Monday, that was easy, Tuesday, that was easy. Then all of a sudden you do everything on Friday. You film all those pre-recorded sketches, you film. So you're there, we had to get there at like six. Six AM, so you gotta like, pick up at 5:30 and then you get done at fucking 2 AM.

• 55:47Matt McCusker?

  And then you gotta do the real thing the next day.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  And then you wake up the next day.

• 55:49Matt McCusker?

  Oh. Why do they do it that way?

• 55:51Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 55:53Matt McCusker?

  That sounds good. Why not? Yeah, do that first. Rest up.

• 55:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:57Matt McCusker?

  Maybe just to get you jacked up and like juiced up.

• 56:00Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 56:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you, you know.

• 56:03Speaker 00

  It was, it was actually, I mean, it doesn't matter how late you stay up. When you do the rehearsal live.

• 56:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:08Speaker 00

  It's the scariest. If they ever showed that monologue I did.

• 56:11Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:11Speaker 00

  Fucking nuts. Oh, fuck. It's the most nervous I've ever been. And then the real show, I was uncomfortably not nervous.

• 56:20Matt McCusker?

  That's, that's a good idea.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  I was like, oh, this isn't.

• 56:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, giving you the run through is a genuinely a good idea.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, every sketch you're nervous, you're like, fuck, I can't read.

• 56:27Matt McCusker?

  That's dude, that, reading off the card. Everyone's, I've talked to people before, like, yeah, you can read off a card. I'm like, dude, I can hardly read books to my kids.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  You gotta read the card like you're telling a joke. You're like, no, I don't know. And then they change the lines in between rehearsal and the real show.

• 56:40Matt McCusker?

  Tell you what I would do. I would fuck the first, I'd fuck the first card up immediately and I'd think about it the rest of the time and I'd fuck up every single card after that. That's, that's my prediction.

• 56:49Speaker 00

  For sure.

• 56:50Matt McCusker?

  That's what I would do.

• 56:51Speaker 00

  So we did rehearsal and we did another Jamaican church sketch. And I think I fucked it up so bad. They were like, it's not that good.

• 56:58Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 56:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. That's what happened. You do, you do a sketch and then they're like, all right, we're not going to use that. And you're like, fuck, that was my fault. Cause that was definitely funny.

• 57:05Matt McCusker?

  Nah, they shouldn't have went back to the well. The Jamaican well.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  I liked the Jamaican well. I love it.

• 57:11Matt McCusker?

  It's funny every single time.

• 57:16Speaker 00

  Exactly right.

• 57:17Matt McCusker?

  So they had Jamaican part two.

• 57:19Speaker 00

  They did have Jamaican part two, and I think I fucked it up. I can't, you know.

• 57:22Matt McCusker?

  Nah, you never know.

• 57:23Speaker 00

  They're not gonna tell you.

• 57:24Matt McCusker?

  You never know. You should get on like an M dot R vibe, dude.

• 57:27Speaker 00

  What's that?

• 57:28Matt McCusker?

  M dot R's is a white English guy who just does dancehall and he does it really well.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 57:33Matt McCusker?

  You ever seen that guy?

• 57:34Speaker 00

  Jamaican dancehall guys? No.

• 57:34Matt McCusker?

  Pussy turn red?

• 57:35Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that was his name.

• 57:38Matt McCusker?

  Turn a pussy red.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, you should, something to consider. Just do like a year. Just take a year off of everything and just huge Jamaican stuff on Instagram.

• 57:51Matt McCusker?

  Take one year off and rebuild and it's like, let me tell you about this.

• 57:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, the monologue though is the scariest. And it was like, there's Tate McCray fans in the front.

• 58:02Matt McCusker?

  Oh, God.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  It's like, oh, man, they're not gonna fucking like me talking about Ken Burns.

• 58:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  It's just like, young.

• 58:09Matt McCusker?

  How did, what did they, were they just?

• 58:10Speaker 00

  They did like it. The monologue went well, but the rehearsal.

• 58:15Matt McCusker?

  Who were the, who were the fans? It was just, was it just like attractive ladies sitting up front?

• 58:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're like. They're the fucking worst.

• 58:23Speaker 00

  Hey, hell, are you?

• 58:24Matt McCusker?

  If you had to pick a demographic that you didn't want, like, two rows of in the front is just hot ladies.

• 58:29Speaker 00

  Hot, young women.

• 58:30Matt McCusker?

  They're, no.

• 58:31Speaker 00

  And it, and the way that's set up, you saw it, was like, two sections, and then everyone else is just in the back of the room.

• 58:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 58:38Speaker 00

  It's not conducive for stand-up.

• 58:40Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  Unless you have like a point, they like that.

• 58:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 58:43Speaker 00

  If a comedian goes out there and makes a fucking good point.

• 58:45Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 58:46Speaker 00

  Everyone's like, that's incredible.

• 58:47Matt McCusker?

  You can get the hot, young babes with good points. Even if they don't fully understand it, they'll be like, wow, awesome.

• 58:54Speaker 00

  I never thought of it like that.

• 58:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, hot, young babes are the last thing you want. You think you want them.

• 59:01Matt McCusker?

  You'll give me a room full of hot, young babes, I'll fucking spin their heads around.

• 59:04Speaker 00

  I'll make them very unhappy.

• 59:06Matt McCusker?

  They also don't have the best attention spans either.

• 59:09Speaker 00

  No. I did the, the worst show I ever did was the small room at the stand, upstairs. It was five different tables of hot, young women. The whole room was out. Then they brought food in. They had like ten waiters at once. Just fed everyone at once while I was standing up there. Immediately, it was on to the food.

• 59:25Matt McCusker?

  Every waiter's probably like, I'll get that for you.

• 59:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I'll pick that one up.

• 59:27Matt McCusker?

  I'll get that for you right away.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was just up there like, alright, we're done listening, everyone's eating.

• 59:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 59:32Speaker 00

  Perfect. And they're like, no, you're doing good. And you go, ugh.

• 59:36Matt McCusker?

  I mean, it's gotta be just crazy, being in like a hot lady's body. I couldn't think of anything else. If I was just a hot lady. Yeah. If I was just a hot lady in a hot lady's body. I'd be like, God, I'm so fucking hot right now.

• 59:49Speaker 00

  Time for me to be rude.

• 59:50Matt McCusker?

  I'm literally, I just, I just be so turned on by myself. I'm like, dude, I'm just so, I'm just way too horny to listen. Just waiting for, why isn't this guy a billionaire? And why isn't he just fucking picking me up on my head and taking me to his house?

• 1:00:04Matt McCusker?

  That's what I would think about if I was a hot lady in the city of New York.

• 1:00:08Speaker 00

  The one, the one thing that was funny with SNL was, uh, the first time Tate McCray, by the way, extremely nice lady.

• 1:00:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's nice.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  Nice Canadian lady came in. She was very like, hey, how are you? She was, so the, the host green room here, the musical artist is right across the hall.

• 1:00:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:22Speaker 00

  And I was like, sitting on the couch trying to fucking read, freaking out.

• 1:00:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:25Speaker 00

  And then she walked in and I was like, for real? I don't know why I did this. I was just like, trying to say. And she kept walking and I was like, oh, that hurts. But then she came right back in. It was like, hey, how are you?

• 1:00:35Matt McCusker?

  Did you read?

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  I was like, uh.

• 1:00:39Speaker 00

  But then the first thing we did was a sketch where I was in a fucking like motorized scooter, dressed like an animal. And she had to sit on my lap. And right before they were like, Tate, are you okay with this? Is everything okay? Are you all right with sitting on his lap? She was like, yeah, I don't care. And I was like, no one asked me. And they're like, Shane, are you? I was like, yes.

• 1:00:57Speaker 00

  Which seemed really funny at the time until it's literally just me, her and the director. And I was like, I hope you understand. I was kidding.

• 1:01:05Matt McCusker?

  She didn't laugh?

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  I think she laughed, but I was immediately embarrassed that I did that. She's like 21 and I'm sitting there like, yes, I'm good with it.

• 1:01:13Matt McCusker?

  I mean, to be fair, it was very funny.

• 1:01:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:15Matt McCusker?

  Funniest thing you possibly do. But yeah, the aftermath of that would have been like, nah, I'm just fucking around. I'm not that horny for you.

• 1:01:20Speaker 00

  We, we just got done filming the first sketch and we, I had to rush to that one. And they're like, hurry up. She's gotta leave. And, uh, so I was like sweaty.

• 1:01:30Speaker 00

  It was a nightmare. And then it was, she's like, her character was supposed to flirt with me. And so she was like, we have such a nice thing. And she like rubbed my chest and in my head, I was like, damn, my chest is definitely soaked.

• 1:01:41Speaker 00

  Sitting on me, I must've, I must've been 400 degrees. I must've been laying on just a hot pillow. That was like, I'm really sorry about this. I'm sorry.

• 1:01:52Matt McCusker?

  I was just kidding when I said I was super hot.

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  I was just joking about that. She's like, what? And like, it's a joke I told. I don't even, I don't even know if you heard it.

• 1:01:59Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 1:02:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, covered in.

• 1:02:01Matt McCusker?

  Fucking bullshit with Trump suing about Canada. I don't even understand. Fucking bullshit. Fucking terrorists are fucking bullshit, man.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  I was definitely, definitely felt sweat on my chest.

• 1:02:11Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 1:02:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:12Matt McCusker?

  You're in the presence of a diva.

• 1:02:13Speaker 00

  She's a diva, dude.

• 1:02:17Matt McCusker?

  That's so sick, though. I keep hearing about new divas.

• 1:02:21Speaker 00

  There's new divas.

• 1:02:21Matt McCusker?

  I am completely-

• 1:02:22Speaker 00

  Divas, yeah, we're too old.

• 1:02:24Matt McCusker?

  I'm out of the diva loop. I'll be back in the diva loop.

• 1:02:26Speaker 00

  Be careful.

• 1:02:27Matt McCusker?

  I'll be back in like six years, seven years.

• 1:02:28Speaker 00

  Be careful when you get back in the diva loop.

• 1:02:30Matt McCusker?

  Why?

• 1:02:30Speaker 00

  Takes over your algorithm.

• 1:02:32Matt McCusker?

  Well, I'm saying like-

• 1:02:33Speaker 00

  I followed Tate McCray on Instagram.

• 1:02:35Matt McCusker?

  You're in the diva loop now?

• 1:02:35Speaker 00

  My diva loop's fucking insane.

• 1:02:37Matt McCusker?

  What are the other divas right now?

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  Sabrina Carpenter's a diva.

• 1:02:41Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 1:02:42Speaker 00

  Dochi, been a diva.

• 1:02:44Matt McCusker?

  Dochi's?

• 1:02:45Speaker 03

  Chappelle Rohn is diva number one currently for sure.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:02:49Speaker 03

  Chappelle Rohn is dominating.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, we were talking about, uh-

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  Oh, wait, wrestling divas?

• 1:02:54Speaker 00

  No, no, no. Chappelle Rohn does rule, though.

• 1:02:56Speaker 03

  Well, they have to be cute? They have to be the hot ones?

• 1:02:59Speaker 00

  Now you're making us the bad guys, but yeah.

• 1:03:00Speaker 03

  Is Chappelle Rohn not? You don't like it? Why would you do that to us? You know, like-

• 1:03:04Matt McCusker?

  I've never seen Chappelle Rohn. I've never seen Chappelle Rohn.

• 1:03:07Speaker 03

  I think Chappelle Rohn is very sexually appealing.

• 1:03:10Speaker 00

  She is.

• 1:03:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:11Speaker 00

  That is also right up your alley.

• 1:03:12Speaker 03

  Chappelle Rohn dresses like a drag queen.

• 1:03:14Speaker 00

  Yes, it's very alt, alt. You got a thing for that.

• 1:03:17Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, I just learned about this weekend, girls will dress as drag queens.

• 1:03:21Speaker 00

  Which is dressing as-

• 1:03:23Matt McCusker?

  It's got a dong face.

• 1:03:24Speaker 00

  He's talking about the dong face.

• 1:03:26Matt McCusker?

  It's got a dong face. That's bullshit.

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, I don't- I wasn't just watching RuPaul's Drag Race yesterday.

• 1:03:34Matt McCusker?

  Were you really?

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  It was on at my house and Whitney Cummings was on it.

• 1:03:37Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:03:37Speaker 00

  She was one of the, yeah, they did a roast.

• 1:03:41Speaker 00

  It was great.

• 1:03:41Matt McCusker?

  Roast the drags? That's scary, man. They'll get you back.

• 1:03:44Speaker 00

  It's one of my favorite things to ruin RuPaul's Drag Race while my girlfriend's trying to watch it.

• 1:03:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  What the fuck are these uncles talking about? She's like, what? I was like, those are all uncles. Those are all somebody's fucking uncle.

• 1:03:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. Ru- RuPaul's got some conservative ideas. She's anti-trans. I think trans people are not allowed on the show.

• 1:04:08Speaker 00

  I think he, yeah.

• 1:04:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, he refuses to put the dress on unless someone pays him money. That's the thing. He'll, he'll go on late night talk shows and they'll go, where's the, uh, the woman outfit? And he goes, pay me. If you want me to wear a dress, you gotta pay me. I thought that was cool.

• 1:04:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, RuPaul kinda rules for that.

• 1:04:26Matt McCusker?

  Damn, that's pretty cool. Just like, uh, every other black man. Yeah.

• 1:04:33Speaker 00

  That was, dude, I did it again. Yo, I did it again. This time I was like, they were like, do you have anything you don't want to do? I was like, I'm just not gonna wear a dress. Just, I can't do it.

• 1:04:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  From Cat.

• 1:04:44Matt McCusker?

  You can't, bro.

• 1:04:45Speaker 00

  Otherwise I would, I'd be like, yeah, whatever. It's funny. I'm not doing anything wrong.

• 1:04:48Matt McCusker?

  You can't, bro.

• 1:04:49Speaker 00

  Now, now it's.

• 1:04:50Matt McCusker?

  There's too much.

• 1:04:51Speaker 00

  If I put that dress on, it's over, dude.

• 1:04:54Matt McCusker?

  No, Diddy, bro. You can't, you can't do it.

• 1:04:56Speaker 00

  No, I'm not. It's tough, though. It's tough to speak up at NBC. It's weird to be in an office and they're like, do you have anything?

• 1:05:02Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:03Speaker 00

  I'm just not gonna wear a dress.

• 1:05:04Matt McCusker?

  I do.

• 1:05:05Speaker 00

  They're like, okay. Okay, dude. I was like, I mean, you know.

• 1:05:10Speaker 00

  Cause of Cat Williams.

• 1:05:12Matt McCusker?

  You don't need him on your bumper for sure.

• 1:05:14Speaker 00

  Fuck no.

• 1:05:15Matt McCusker?

  I wouldn't want him on my bumper. Yeah, dude, just especially, yeah, and also it really is like, what would the, what would a good enough scenario or joke be for you to be in a dress? Would have to be a dynamite fucking sketch.

• 1:05:29Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's Doubtfire.

• 1:05:31Matt McCusker?

  Doubtfire.

• 1:05:32Speaker 00

  There was.

• 1:05:33Matt McCusker?

  Although Robin Williams couldn't handle it.

• 1:05:35Speaker 00

  I don't know if I'm allowed to spoil sketches. I don't know if I'm allowed to spoil it, but there was a very funny Mrs. Doubtfire sketch. The probably, maybe they'll use it again, cause it was good, cause we didn't use it.

• 1:05:45Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  Really funny.

• 1:05:47Matt McCusker?

  Why? They didn't use it because of your?

• 1:05:49Speaker 00

  No, no, no. The character would, the character would not have been wearing a dress, but he would have been, it was a guy getting confronted that he was Mrs. Doubtfire.

• 1:05:59Speaker 00

  Hilarious.

• 1:05:59Matt McCusker?

  That is funny.

• 1:06:01Speaker 00

  I hope I didn't spoil it.

• 1:06:02Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 1:06:03Speaker 00

  Cause it's a good one.

• 1:06:03Matt McCusker?

  They'll still rip it. They'll rip it.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  They'll rip it.

• 1:06:05Matt McCusker?

  And you can go, that was my fucking idea. I said on my fucking podcast.

• 1:06:07Speaker 00

  I said that on my podcast, dibs.

• 1:06:11Matt McCusker?

  I wanna start trying to start, I'm gonna start fake comedy beefs. It's like, that was my joke. Any, anyone puts out a clip, be like, bro, I've been doing that, dude.

• 1:06:20Speaker 00

  People do that.

• 1:06:21Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 1:06:22Speaker 00

  I actually tweeted that six years ago. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Every single joke is on Twitter. You can find it.

• 1:06:30Matt McCusker?

  Yo, I fucking did that, bro.

• 1:06:31Speaker 00

  Oh, that thing with three likes from 2013? Yeah, I saw that and I stole it. And I made it a full joke.

• 1:06:40Speaker 00

  What is it, John? You're in one what?

• 1:06:41Speaker 03

  One of those beefs.

• 1:06:42Speaker 00

  Why? What happened?

• 1:06:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I did a joke during COVID. It was the first time I'd done it. It's like a fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you. And it just goes on. And people came and they said, this is a David Cross bit, which I didn't know. He has the same premise and then it goes in another direction. And I felt bad about that. But what made me feel a lot better is there's a guy who I'd never heard of, who's from LA, who's been doing comedy for 30 years. And he's like, in 1994, that was my joke. And he's uploading out and he goes, this Australian and David Cross is stealing my act. It made me feel so much more relaxed about doing the same bit.

• 1:07:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:12Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy. There's gotta be a statute of limitations. Bernie Mac's material is up for grabs, as far as I'm concerned.

• 1:07:18Speaker 03

  Oh, I got, I got dudes on, you don't understand.

• 1:07:22Matt McCusker?

  It's up for grabs.

• 1:07:23Speaker 00

  I got milk and cookies.

• 1:07:24Speaker 03

  You got milk and cookies.

• 1:07:25Matt McCusker?

  True. I got these badass kids.

• 1:07:30Speaker 00

  Clearly don't even have kids. These badass fucking kids.

• 1:07:35Speaker 00

  I ain't ashamed. Your family fucked up too.

• 1:07:38Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, that's awesome. That's nice. That's gotta be so nice to be done with that again.

• 1:07:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's the most stressful fucking thing.

• 1:07:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:44Speaker 00

  Possible. Then, yeah.

• 1:07:46Matt McCusker?

  Especially a diva. Throwing the diva on the mix is like, that would, that might fuck me up a little bit.

• 1:07:50Speaker 00

  I wish it was 21 and he got to sit on my lap.

• 1:07:55Matt McCusker?

  Both you guys are wearing dresses sitting on each other's. You should push for the, next time you do it, push for like, in all, every sketch has to be gay, like just gay stuff.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I have to kiss a cast member every single.

• 1:08:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, like you're bad. Who was, uh, was that not Ben F? Like Matt Damon, he just went hog wild on that one movie, Liberace. Matt Damon.

• 1:08:14Speaker 00

  Crystal, the behind the candelabra.

• 1:08:16Matt McCusker?

  Behind the candelabra. He just went fucking hog wild. Dude's been acting for like 25 years and he was like, I'll do full gay, like total, total gay. It's gotta be there. After you've done it all.

• 1:08:27Speaker 00

  Came out in a year that people weren't that critical.

• 1:08:30Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean?

• 1:08:31Speaker 00

  It was early, it was before the culture wars.

• 1:08:33Matt McCusker?

  It was.

• 1:08:33Speaker 00

  So it was right that, yeah.

• 1:08:35Matt McCusker?

  It was, I mean, it was just on the table. It was a bag, obviously.

• 1:08:37Speaker 00

  Denzel went for it in Gladiator.

• 1:08:38Matt McCusker?

  He got gay bag? How gay was he in Gladiator?

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  Cut it. I think they cut out a scene where he was like making out with guys and then Denzel chill. I swear to God. I swear to God.

• 1:08:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:53Matt McCusker?

  He was going, why?

• 1:08:55Speaker 00

  He was just playing a gay Roman.

• 1:08:57Matt McCusker?

  There's, well, there's two like crowning achievements for every actor. It's gay and

• 1:09:04Matt McCusker?

  Gilbert Grape.

• 1:09:08Matt McCusker?

  That's the height of that, just thousand year craft. It's like, okay, we can see you play a cop, but can you play?

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  Gilbert Grape.

• 1:09:16Matt McCusker?

  You play a gay guy, you're Gilbert Grape.

• 1:09:19Speaker 00

  Gay Gilbert Grape is the ultimate.

• 1:09:21Matt McCusker?

  That would be nice. Why haven't we had that yet?

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  Probably have.

• 1:09:28Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:09:28Speaker 00

  There's gotta be one. Nobody's played a gay special needs guy yet?

• 1:09:32Matt McCusker?

  I don't think so, man. Maybe Unc Lee.

• 1:09:36Speaker 00

  Forrest Gump had straight A's.

• 1:09:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but he was busting. Jenny busted open for him, that's why.

• 1:09:43Matt McCusker?

  He didn't do anything. Him and Bubba might have fucked around a little bit.

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  Gets lonely on the high seas. Although Gump, yeah. Bubba never made it to the high seas.

• 1:09:56Matt McCusker?

  He also might have sucked Lieutenant Dan.

• 1:09:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, he probably sucked Dan.

• 1:10:05Matt McCusker?

  Well, I'll be.

• 1:10:06Speaker 00

  Man, I'm tired from all that laser tag.

• 1:10:08Matt McCusker?

  Bro, that shit, we didn't even talk about the final match.

• 1:10:10Speaker 00

  We got two minutes, we could get one more blaze.

• 1:10:12Matt McCusker?

  We could. We need one more blaze, honestly. That last match was bullshit. I was fucking furious.

• 1:10:17Speaker 00

  You need one more match, because this is devastating.

• 1:10:19Matt McCusker?

  I need revenge.

• 1:10:20Speaker 00

  At the end, they give you who you killed the most.

• 1:10:23Matt McCusker?

  He killed me. I was getting, I was getting, yeah.

• 1:10:25Speaker 00

  I only killed Matt.

• 1:10:27Matt McCusker?

  Fifteen times, fifteen times. I keep forgetting you're in that corner. I would come back right away.

• 1:10:32Speaker 00

  Four, four, zero, four, one.

• 1:10:34Matt McCusker?

  Fifteen on Matt. I got you ten. I kept thinking our alliance was still on. I just, the last second would hesitate.

• 1:10:40Speaker 00

  At the beginning, I was, I was not, I didn't know what color my team was.

• 1:10:43Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:10:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was shooting reds.

• 1:10:44Matt McCusker?

  I saw you, I heard you getting kinda confused, yeah.

• 1:10:47Speaker 00

  So I was surrounded by blues.

• 1:10:49Matt McCusker?

  I'm green team. The blues were swarming, man. It leads me to believe where the rest of the reds were.

• 1:10:56Matt McCusker?

  What was your strat?

• 1:10:57Speaker 00

  By the end, we did. We set up on that first platform. That was nice. God Dog was sneaking behind, cheap shit.

• 1:11:03Matt McCusker?

  We had like a line.

• 1:11:04Speaker 00

  Hanging over the balcony, cheap shit. No. I was having fun.

• 1:11:09Matt McCusker?

  You can't, but your gun has that big fucking sensor on it, so you can't hang the gun or your gun get shot. James never disclosed his, uh, what was your, what was your strategy?

• 1:11:19Speaker 03

  I dragged me down to your filthy land.

• 1:11:22Speaker 00

  You did not cheat.

• 1:11:23Speaker 03

  I did not, there was no cheating, there's no honor in that.

• 1:11:25Matt McCusker?

  So what's your strat? Like, what's your strategy?

• 1:11:27Speaker 03

  Well, this is what I figured out. I didn't realize that this was happening, but I've got a very high kill rate as well as a very high death rate. So you get 25 points for killing somebody, but you only lose five when you are killed yourself.

• 1:11:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, so don't even worry about it.

• 1:11:41Speaker 03

  Even sometimes you'll shoot each other at the same time when you're coming back from a charge.

• 1:11:44Matt McCusker?

  You get 25, yeah.

• 1:11:45Speaker 03

  You still get the extra points. So I think you gotta live reckless out there. You gotta go wild, you gotta get into full blood mist.

• 1:11:51Matt McCusker?

  Don't be scared to get shot.

• 1:11:53Speaker 03

  Don't be scared to get, it's the opposite of real war.

• 1:11:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, they should change that.

• 1:11:57Speaker 03

  I want it inverted. That would be nice. That would be a better gameplay.

• 1:12:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Well, there you have it. I've been all fucking tactical and shit.

• 1:12:05Speaker 03

  I love killing. Oh, boy, when you're out there about five minutes in.

• 1:12:09Speaker 00

  It's nice when you get to all, people will start screaming there. Oh, yeah, man would kill me, be like, "Got you, boot!"

• 1:12:15Matt McCusker?

  I was screaming if I'd hit somebody, like, "Fuck you!"

• 1:12:22Speaker 00

  That's why it felt so good when they're like, red team won.

• 1:12:24Matt McCusker?

  We was, dude, it was, it was that close, bro.

• 1:12:28Speaker 00

  We won by 400 points.

• 1:12:29Matt McCusker?

  The bubbles, ass bubbles, dude.

• 1:12:31Speaker 00

  We won by 400 points.

• 1:12:33Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that's nothing, bro, in a game. That was all your charge ups and power ups.

• 1:12:40Matt McCusker?

  That's true, bro. Can we please talk about it?

• 1:12:42Speaker 00

  We can look at the scores.

• 1:12:44Matt McCusker?

  All right, check it out.

• 1:12:45Speaker 00

  Terminator woman did get dead last, but I was not that far above her. And either was, me and Terminator 2 were anchors, holding the squad down.

• 1:12:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, bro.

• 1:12:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't know. I, I do. Know that when I was playing against her, I hit her like forty fucking times, so.

• 1:13:02Speaker 00

  I didn't shoot her once. She shot me once.

• 1:13:04Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 1:13:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:05Matt McCusker?

  What else? What else everybody get? Be honest.

• 1:13:09Matt McCusker?

  She said there was somebody who was just on her bumper shooting her the whole time. I was Terminator 2.

• 1:13:17Speaker 00

  Terminator 2.

• 1:13:19Matt McCusker?

  Sarah Okano.

• 1:13:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're killing it.

• 1:13:22Matt McCusker?

  Dude, Arnold Schwarzenegger's son in White Lotus. Unbelievable.

• 1:13:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's really funny.

• 1:13:27Matt McCusker?

  Out of nowhere, I don't know why, if this was like unscripted, but they're like on a yacht and they're about to approach these girls and out of nowhere he goes swastika. And they just, just for no reason as they're walking, I was in bed, holding my stomach laughing.

• 1:13:39Speaker 00

  Really? I don't remember that part.

• 1:13:41Matt McCusker?

  Dude, right on the yacht, listen, he goes back and they're about to watch it, go over to the girls and go swastika. And just, it was like, what the fuck? So funny saying yell ad libbing.

• 1:13:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm interested to see where that goes. It's gonna be fun.

• 1:13:54Matt McCusker?

  So good.

• 1:13:55Speaker 00

  The girls turning on each other, wonderful.

• 1:13:57Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 1:13:57Speaker 00

  Finding out one of them's a Republican, the other two being like, oh.

• 1:14:01Matt McCusker?

  It's so fun.

• 1:14:01Speaker 00

  Awesome.

• 1:14:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:03Matt McCusker?

  Dude, we think we did it. We had, we're gonna, we've done it.

• 1:14:06Speaker 00

  Fuck yeah. We've got time for one more blaze.

• 1:14:08Matt McCusker?

  We'll do the ads in the parking lot. No problem.

• 1:14:11Speaker 00

  We'll do the ads.

• 1:14:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, uh, yeah, mattmccusker.com, please come to the shows. They'll be in Omaha. That's a big one. Please come.

• 1:14:20Speaker 00

  Man- Manchester, England next week. Come on.